Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 303. Louse House

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

Chris and Rosie have good and bad news this week and they are both feeling itchy! The pair share some exciting news and there is also a cameo from Robin Ramsey. They chat sandwiches, splinters, Mr Trebus and ghosts. To get in touch with the podcast email [e-mail]

Paradise is an all-new series set in a serene community inhabited by some of the world's most prominent individuals. But this tranquility explodes when a shocking murder occurs and a high-stakes investigation unfolds. Starring Sterling K Brown, James Marsden and Julianne Nicholson, Paradise is streaming January 28th only on Disney Plus. Hello, you're listening to Shagmyrdinoid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hiya.

Hello. How are you? I'm good. You've got a blanket on. Yes. I've only just noticed that you've got a blanket on. Yes. I'm in a t-shirt.

What? I don't, how? This sums up the problem in our marriage. I'm so cold. In our household, sorry. The marriage is fine. Don't sit in the back anything about marriage. Don't take all my stuff. What? Don't know where that came from.

I'm always running a lot hotter than you run. And it's the fact, I didn't even know you were in a blanket. I'm gonna tell you, I don't get us wrong. I'm a little bit, I'm not 100% comfortable in the T-shirt. I'm a little bit cool in this room. Right. But. So you could.

But I know I'm gonna heat up when I'm talking and when I'm gesticulating, talking about the podcast and performing. Sounds like balls. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Yeah. I'm really cold. My back's freezing. My shoulder blades could cut ice. I'm so upset about it. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about how cold their shoulder blades are.

Well, I'm talking like I've got, I don't think I've seen my shoulder blades for some time. What do you mean? You got fat back?? Not really fat back but like just you know you should, shoulder blades are quite a, you gotta be quite svelte to see your shoulder blades don't you? I don't think so no. Yeah for real. I can see mine. Well because you've, now aren't you mate? Skin and burn. Fucking athlete. Skin and burn. Absolute athlete. So you're cold but we'll warm up. We'll see when the blanket comes off. I won't but it's fine. We'll see. You will.

I would rather, no listening to us here, I would rather be cold than deal with you being too hot. Do you remember that episode when you took your top off? That was horrendous. Well thankfully the cameras weren't here then. But yeah, I had top off. I think I did the whole one in my underpants. I'm dreading that.

I'm dreading that heat again. We're gonna have to ache on the whole room. I'll be great, we can do it in work Aussies. Ice chair, I got an ice chair. Good for you. Should I get an ice chair? Can you do your stupid sponsor? Listen, listen.

So we can crack on, because I've got some really important news. There's no sponsor. There's no sponsor this week. Oh my God, I've got two bits of important news. One not so important, one quite important. We've got really, actually we've got really exciting news. We've been waiting to tell you this for ages. But it's first time, of course, as a sponsor.

It's time for this week's a lucrative, li-i-ucrative, la-co-crative, licky-licky-lick-a-lick-a-lucrative sponsor. Now, proper one this week, they've sent us a script. Big one, proper one, sent us a script again. Back to the old school. Feel like you've wrote this 10 minutes ago. Well, they have sent me a script,

slash I quickly sketched something down of something I thought about. It's weird, I have officially lost count of all the sponsors again. I don't know where they are. The list that someone very kindly did, I've lost the list. Well, I've got the list somewhere,

but I stopped adding to the list fucking easily 150 episodes ago. What's wrong with you? I don't know what's wrong with this. You call me shit, you are really shit. Yeah, but you're also shit. Just at other stuff as well, just in life. Now, back to the old school here, an actual product,

an actual product, and what we're gonna do is we're gonna do the script, and then at the end, we'll know what the sponsor is. Right, okay. Very technical, you ready? Be as quick as you can, because we've had a really stressful morning, we'll tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had a caramel wafer, right'll tell you why. Adam and Adam's bricks not a can of bastard bricks imagine imagine two builders see you all right Barry you're not the cans of bricks sorry Steve the cans you're the cans of bricks what they're what one brick per can I one brick per can terrible for the environment how many how many cans of 250,000 cans great although I'll take them to Recycler. Unbelievable. Someone's gonna fucking- I got it wrong.

Someone's gonna get in touch and say- This is what I'm saying though. I haven't had sugar for ages and I've just had a caramel wafer to cheer us up and it's hit us like- A ton of worms. A ton. A ton of cuntin worms.

Why do I get these wrong? You're the only one who corrects this in my life. You know, everyone else just lets us say it. Well, they're all fucking weak. I wish you would take a leaf out of their book. I'd get, I'd be ill. I'd be ill. I have to, that's one of my big problems when someone says something wrong. I don't correct them. I'll come out later. I'll fucking kick a seagull in the street.

It'll come out in a bad way. Do you know what I mean? Not stop for a lollipop man fuck you sorry I can't I've not been to Marine Park since my encounter with the seagulls yeah awful I paid to see footage of that like it was it was when I drank rape along the floor and he fell out that was the thing you know you watch that like I watch like, what's that one? Bird Box, where they've got, where everyone just starts like doing themselves in when they see something. Sandra Bullock. Oh, a brilliant film. Yeah, yeah. And these films were like, sort of like the beginning of A Quiet Place, where like you see they're all coming and everyone's

running in this carnage. And I always just think me and my family wouldn't last 10 minutes and anything like that. Because literally some seagulls sent you and Rafe into fucking overdrive. Right, all I, do you know when we watched The Quiet Place? All I could think was we'd be dead within seconds. Imagine even just telling our children to be quiet. Why? What? Eh? Why? Skibbity skibbity tally! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah! Oh what's Rafe's one?

New, Rafe's new one every time he sees you he goes, oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Yeah, so Rafe's one. And then me and he sees it he goes, oh yeah! Oh yeah! So Rafe's one and then me and you would survive would obviously be devastated. I don't want to survive anything! Chris! Honestly! No! I'll kill myself! This is A Quiet Place. Brilliant. This is A Quiet Place right? Sorry I don't think you meant to say that anymore. I'm not, I don't want to live through any sort of apocalypse. This is the screenplay for A Quiet Place starring Chris and Rosie and Robin and Rafe Ramsey, right?

I'll be looking down the camera saying kill me. It starts, there's aliens coming, here we go, boys be quiet, hey what, no he be quiet, are you, they're both dead, right? And then we, just for the storyline, we soldier on and it's just like solemn and it's like, you know, like two months later and we're like living in some like, you know, you finally get a caravan, no no a caravan would creak, we like living in some like, you know, when you finally get a caravan, no, no, a caravan would quick. We're living in some castle somewhere or whatever. And like just, you know, it's like an abandoned castle. And it's just me and you left and I'm walking on like, you know, I've got like loads of moss and I put the moss out and walk in it.

And you, you would just put a podcast on and they would just come and fucking rinse you. It would literally be like the beginning of that fucking house. You'd find a generator. You put the beginning of Housewives of Beverly Hills or something on it. It would be like tonight and I'll go off finally good I don't want to live through none of that whenever I watch it I just think what he's living for because all that great all that happens is you have a shit life eating monkey old tins of shit and then the bad people

survive because they always do and then they just want to come and hunt you and kill you I'd literally be like yeah lads where've you been? And it's always lads and it's always tiddlers. It's always tiddlers. Sometimes it's a you know it's not a tiddler, but then the tiddlers try to overtake. They're not and it's just fucking wolfy. I don't want to live. If you're just tuning in this is Rosie's Ted Talk on film horror film in the genre from the from the viewpoint of the tiddlers. Also, little factoid for you, in a quiet place, you know when they go in the shop, they're being in a quiet place, I saw this the other day on Movie Facts, I think,

on Instagram, all of the food's gone, apart from the crisps. Why? Noisy. Can't open them quietly, can you? Of course, I remember that. I mean, you'd be, Ari, you'd slit them up, then you'd do that thing where you suck them,

you'd be fighting, you'd be, oh, fat as butter, loving it, you. A crisp, would we call it a crisp place? Do you wanna? Is it? Oh, so much for that quick intro. Listen, it is time. Oh, I've got another movie fact.

Oh, come on. I seen a video yesterday on Instagram. Do you remember? Thank you, sorry. Thank you for saying I've seen a video and not claiming you'd read this somewhere like you normally do. All right, no.

You normally go, I was doing my research in the library. Do you mean you were on Instagram? I do mean I was on Instagram. Do you know back in the day my mom and dad used to read the paper? They'd give big ones. They thought they were fucking clever. I've seen right through them. I gave you three guesses to get the word right for what they are. Broadsheet. Okay, in one, done. Well done. Fair play. So they used to read them. Yeah. And nowadays, I get all my information. I do read it. It's on my phone, but I do, it is reading. And nowadays, I get all my information. I do read it.

It's on my phone, but I do. It is reading. It's like I'm reading, I probably read more than they've ever read. Anyway, I've seen a really good video. Do you remember Hook, the film? Which I tried to get the kids to watch the other day and you actually said they'll hate it.

So I turned off. Again, again, you're still doing it. Kids, let's watch this. I don't wanna watch it. Both of them don't wanna watch it and you still tried to put it on. And I went, Rosie, why're still doing it kids. Let's watch this. I don't want to watch it I don't both of them don't want to watch it and you still tried to put it on and I went Rosie Why are you doing this? I'm trying God of the trier. Um, do you know the pirate at the beginning? Who hook put in the box with the scorpions and that right? Do you know who that is? No, Glenn Close Right. Uh-huh. Okay. It was a bloke right?

Cool. Yeah, She says apparently Steven Spiegelberg. Spiegelberg. Steven Spiegelberg. Yeah, yeah. Look at now, man. Steven Spiegelberg. Steven Spiegeltend. Are we pissed? This is the sugar. I'm dead. He said to her, do you want to be a pirate in my new film? She was like, oh yeah. So she showed a little clip and I couldn't believe it. No idea. Glenn Close. Fantastic. Fantastic.

So crack on. There it is. So this week's lucrative, oh no, I haven't done my part. I do a part. I beg to go. Thank you so much for listening to this for all of these years and episodes of Absolute Twaddle.

It's episode three or three and it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. Can't be asked to put some music in, but if I did put music in, it would be maybe slightly sexy music. I'll do it for you. Mm. A stop stop. No I'll do sexy music. No no no because you need a listen to the sponsor. It's an important one. No no you ready? Right this week's sponsor is...oh there we go. Oh okay. Hey. Well you can't do that at the same time. I'm just doing a little bit. It doesn't matter. Do you want me to get to me on YouTube? It doesn't matter. I'll get a heartbeat. It doesn't matter.

Oh Jesus! Hey! Do you like wood? Yes. Do you really like wood? Yeah? Yeah, I mean, I do. You really fucking love wood. I do.

Do you want it? Do you want wood? Do you want it in you? Do you? You want wood in you, deep in you, so you can't get it out except with some tweezers or a hot needle. Do you? Splinters. You're talking about tweezers or a hot needle, eh? Eh? Do you, eh? Adam & Kirsty You're talking about splinters.

Have you had a splinter? Adam Got one the other day. Got one. Kirsty But they're not...excuse me. Wash your mouth out. Adam Yeah. Kirsty Splinter. Adam You're gonna say spelk. Kirsty Spelk? Adam I don't think the rest of the country say spelk. I don't think the rest of the world say spelk. I typed spelk into Google and Googled in what was going on.

So, I typed splinter. Kirsty Well, okay. I'm sorry but I still live in the northeast of England. So, I think you'll find that my mother tongue is still very strong and it's spelt. I got one the other day, I was putting some logs on the log burner and I put my hand into where the logs were and a bit of big big spelt went in between my finger. Oh yeah you did. I thought I was... For a minute I thought I didn't know about this but of course I did. Past myself. Past myself. It was a horrible, roomy day. Woke up in the morning, first thing I thought I didn't know about this but of course I did. Past myself past myself. It was a horrible day. Woke up in the morning first thing I thought about.

I thought I'd get infected. Didn't. I'm good. It is actually like a paper cut or anything like that. You do think this is horrendous but then imagine what it's like actually losing a limb. I mean yeah but it's all relative innit. Like I still hurt. hurt Wow what a way to shit on my Wow Great next response are losing a limb. We'll get some complaints about that nice one. Well done. Congratulations Jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged and Married and Annoyed. Now listeners, do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?

Shout loud enough, we'll be able to hear you. Yeah, let's go. Can I, can I, can I be the guy who decides this? Yes, go on. Let's go with the bad news. Yeah, let's go. Can I, can I, can I be the guy who decides this? Yes, go on. Let's go with the bad news. Okay, all right. The bad news is that Ramsey's have got lice. Lice in the louse house, in the louse house.

In the louse house. Yes. We, yeah. We talked about worms last week, which was weird. And then the lice get with this week. And then the lice get with, yeah, really. Really upsetting. Raph, I think, may have been more of a carrier

than his brother. But the, oh God, I can't, I'm so itchy. So yeah, the nits. Everyone listening to this now would know that you're getting itchy in your head, so we're very, very sorry. I'm sorry. I phoned Carl Hutchinson and told him about it

and he was like, I'm getting itchy now. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've not slept a wink. I've not slept a wink. We treated them this morning. No, sorry, we treated them last night. And this morning. And this morning.

Sent them to school, because you're allowed to send them to school BTW They were all gone. They were gone yeah and combed them to within an inch of the life but then got a phone call from the school an hour later Robin couldn't stop itching yeah just because it's in his head yeah that's it yeah because then when he came out he saw his friends while playing in the playground he was like dad I want to go out I was like you can't I was like I was trying to explain I was going it's in your head he's going yeah cuz they're lights and I was going no you know it's in your head. He's going, well, yeah, cause they're lice. And I was going, no, you know, it's in your head. Like it's in, you think that you,

cause then we came back, we treat him again. When he came back, comb the fuck out of it. Nothing there. Oh, but again, stuff living on you. It's so fucking upsetting. It is so disgusting. I've honestly not slept. I've not slept a wink.

Cause I've just not stopped itching. I've just thought about it all night. It is vile. It makes you feel absolutely gross. Well it's weird because you were putting Rafe to bed right and there was a gap in the door. I came upstairs. I was messing about downstairs doing something. I made Robin some food. I was tidying up or whatever and I came upstairs and there's a gap in the door and I could see it in the bedroom and I thought you were just taking photos of his face with a flash on because as I walked in like he's the front of his hair was like quiffed up because obviously you'd been combing through it yeah yeah and it

was like quiff you like boss baby or something I was like look I was like she's just taking photos of him it's so weird and you're like I think he's got lice and I was automatically just itching like shit oh god I mean I mean this is just so you and I don't know how I expected I expected to become and sort of rational For four or five minutes after I said this Chris told me that he felt one on his back No, I mean exactly where one just fell out of my head and landed on me back And I didn't have them. Absolutely not.

Oh God, I saw you. And then later on, yeah, I had to check your full head. I was like, this is ridiculous. Check my head. Yeah. Will you ever look through mine later? No, honestly, I don't think any lights would fit on your head as too little.

I think it would be a bit to see. It would be a bit to see it hanging off like massive, like Mario Galaxy. I could full on see them in raves. It was absolutely vile. Horrible, horrible. I'm just happy that- Everything's in the wash today. Everything, I've hoover like massive like Mario Galaxy. I could full on say them in raves, it was absolutely vile. Horrible, horrible. I'm just happy that. Everything's in the wash today.

Yeah. Everything, I've hoovered all the sofas. I don't live for more than a day or two. I've done a Febreze with the anti-back, kills 99.9% of stuff. Oh, I tell you what, I had one in each hand, dual wielding I was. Oh yeah, where?

Fucking everywhere, everywhere. Mouth, arsehole, ears. Wait, wait. Oh. So Robin's downstairs, so. Robin's downstairs, watching telly. Probably shouldn the piss. I'm taking too long doing this. I tell you what so I had to do a dash to the supermarket in the middle of the night well middle of the night nine o'clock yeah I'm normally in my pyjamas by seven so I had to go and do the I mean I wasn't in pyjamas I went at the supermarket. I had to go to the pharmacy aisle in Asda. The night time in the pharmacy aisle in 24 hours supermarket is an edgy edgy

place to be. Everyone's just there for something urgent and private and most it's just tense. Right. It's tense. What was what what would you say people were there for? It was just me and two other blokes just like marching up and down trying to look for the thing but not wanting to ask anyone what the thing was but also not wanting to show each other what the thing was and I found what I needed and then these two blokes phoned obviously their partners and went I can't find it it's not here like get hushed tones so everyone's like it's like fucking them probably the closest I'll ever get to like being in the mob. It's just like me and two cagey guys just like, you got the stuff, you have got the stuff. Kirsty Did you find out what they were looking for?

Adam No! And obviously, you can't go, sorry, mate, just wondering what are you looking for? I'll help you look for it. Like... Kirsty I've quite an interesting time once when... What was it? What was I there for? At the pharmacy? I can't remember who you got because I couldn't get anyway. Adam Was there something for it? Itchy Fanny? Kirsty No!

Adam Itchy Bum? Kirsty No! Adam Itchy fanny? It was for the kids. For some...anyway, it might have been for me but I can't remember. Why was I at the pharmacy? It did be itchy. No, it was my eye. It was my dodgy eye.

You remember my eye? When I had that eye infection. Yes, yes, yes. It was for that. Anyway, I was stood at Asda Pharmacy and the amount of people I came and went and I heard all about it. Actually, I was genuinely really interested. About 20 minutes I was there. It's nice. I felt walking out I didn't for some reason I didn't get a bag and I don't know why I just walked out I made it worse. Did you carry all of that in your hand?

In me arm like I cradled them like a baby like five or six boxes of it I was just like I just walked out like And I will always Why didn't you get a bag? Don't know as I was walked out like, and I am Willow. Why didn't you get a bag? Don't know as I was walking out, I was like, this could have been so much easier. Why did you buy so much as well? You got loads.

Oh, because you fucking- You got about six bottles? Because I knew your mat came round today, she had a shot. Oh, aye. The doorbell rang. She just wanted to fucking comb through her hair then. The doorbell rang, and I'm itching everywhere.

I know, mate, I can't concentrate. The doorbell rang and you went, oh, it's me mom, and I went, why? And you went, she's come to get some of the stuff for her hair. I went she's driven past three pharmacies to get here. And I said to her, I went you drove past three pharmacies to get here. She went oh shut up man. She just wanted a little head rub.

So she loved it. She was like it's been really nice. So we've got, yeah, it's all sorted. It's under control. Yeah. There we go. Babadu babaduoo, babadoo, bah. Good news. Good news. Huge news. Huge news. We said this a while ago and we've been trying, we've been having to keep a secret and it's been really, really difficult and we wanted to tell everyone and this was one of their moments where we've done

loads of cool stuff in my careers but I was in your dressing room with you and your manager, Leigh, phoned you and she went, I've got some great news and I was in your dressing room with you, and your manager, Lee, phoned you, and she went, I've got some great news, and I was busy walking out the room, and I turned around, I ran back down the corridor, and I went, is it? And she went, it is, and that was ages ago. What is it? Anyway, I can't remember that.

You take it, I was in the house? Oh, me dressing room, I thought you had like a professional dressing room. No, no, no, dressing room. So, last year, spring, last year, this is how long it's been. I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to film. Taskmaster.

Taskmaster. Eee. The Ramses have both been on Taskmaster. I admit. How exciting. Do you know what it is? Well done. I just can say that.

I know. There has been other couples do it hasn't there? Yeah, yeah, John and Lucy did it. John and Lucy did it. Yeah. That might be it, you know. Yeah. That's so good. Oh, God, I had the say that. I know. There has been other couples do it hasn't there? Yeah, yeah, John and Lucy did it. John and Lucy did it. But that might be it, you know. Yeah. That's so good.

Oh God, I had the best time. So good. I had such a good time. It's the best show. It's the best thing I've ever, it's the best job I've ever done. Yeah, yeah. Ever.

It's the best show on telly. It's the funnest show on telly. Don't get us wrong when I did Strictly Strictly Was Dead, fun and the team are great, but Taskmaster's another level. I think it's cause it's comedy. It's way away from. Yeah.

Oh my God. But, but. The team are awesome. It is comedy. Everyone involved. It is comedy, but it's actually the only program where you can't plan anything funny. You just have to be. That's the best bit about it. Yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. It's comedy, but you don't have to prepare. I don't even know if I was funny. Well, I've seen clips and I've had numerous texts from Ed Gamble because Ed Gamble sees the series in advance because he does the podcast. And he's yeah, yeah, it's going to be great. It's such a good cast.

I fell in love with the people. We had such a nice time. We really got on, which I think helps. You are a little chummy. I was told that you were the only ones who all ate your dinner together. Yeah, yeah, we did. No, that cast. Very down to earth cast.

Mine was still coming out of Covid time, so we still had to get tested and stuff. Oh yeah, fair enough. You wouldn't eat your dinner with anyone. Of course I fucking wouldn't. I hate having to make conversation while I'm eating. It's devastating. Yeah. No, it's meant I'm really looking forward.

So it's, I actually don't even know when it's out. Well, what are we chatting about? Are we going to chat about it on here? 100%. Well, I mean, we're going to do a weekly leaderboard and I'm gonna have exactly my scores at the end of every single episode versus your scores at the end of every single episode. Yeah, because what if I win? Well, we'll see, won't we? We'll see what happens. Obviously, we can't give anything away.

I know, obviously not, but... Sighting times. We shall see, eh? We shall see. We shall see! Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Just interrupting the normal flow of the podcast here as we said, um, Nitro Infested House, one child off school and he's off school and he's came up to say hello, it's Robin Ramsay

everyone. Hi. That's not his real name. Oh what, what's his real name? Tell him your name. Nigel Nitboy. Nigel Nitboy. How does it feel to have the owls?

How does it feel to be infested with nits? Get right into the mic when you talk like this, right in the mic. Itchy? Itchy? Has it been, so you don't know this daddy, right? But Robin told me today that he's actually been itching since November, so.

I didn't, I forgot to tell you. Everyone, should we sing him a new song? What? If you know the little cartoon for kids called In the Loud House. Yeah. You ready? Washing, combing, treating her, itching almost everywhere.

In the Loud House. In the Loud House. Yay. Robin Ramsey everyone, bye. One last question. Thank you very much. Are you enjoying having a little day off school? When there's actually nothing wrong with you?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah actually. You feel well don't you? Alright, love you. If there was something wrong with me I wouldn't be enjoying it one bit. No. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. So, I got a text the other day.

Yes, look at you. Paul, thank you, he was my first one. Paul, our tour manager, who also tours with Ed Gamble and a few other people as well. Phil Wang. Yeah, Phil Wang. I think he's got, yeah, yeah, he's got, he's very busy boy. Very, very good tour manager. He texted me the other day with something and I've been dying to tell you about this. Oh.

And it's like something we get into the podcast. Like it's like a cues from the pews kind of thing. Oh, okay. So someone. Well, I love Paul. It's very funny. Now, yeah. Now he said, I've seen some harrowing things in service stations, but this one is up there. Whilst waiting for his coffee in Pret,

a guy took the egg sandwich that he'd just bought from Costa and put it in the Pret hot food cabinet to try and warm it up. And I just thought it would just be an interesting little discussion topic. You're not gonna like this. Right? You like it? I like, I hate cold sandwiches. I can't think of anything worse.

It's not meant to be a hot sandwich. It is a cold sandwich. No, I know. Yeah, but sometimes it's hurt your teeth cold. Sometimes they're like fucking cornettoes. I know what you mean. You know what I mean? Marksies are bad for that. Marksies in train stations are cold fucking sandwiches.

Yeah, I'm on board with that. I would actually respect. Nah, I'm not having it. Why? It's so unacceptable. Cause it's just, I don't know why, cause it's in it's wrapper, but it's just something about,

he's got that from there, then he's come there with that, and he's just gone, oh, this eggs, I'll just holl you that in there, get some of the heat from it. And what was he doing while he was he just still there waiting for it? Waiting for a coffee so he's waiting for a coffee all his coffee waiting for his coffee and just puts his cold egg sandwich in the press. Do you not say sandwich? Sandwich? You said sandwich. I said sandwich. You said sandwich earlier on. I said sandwich! Roll the tape back! You said sang witch. Oh sorry, oh sorry.

Should I say sammage? Like you when you did that Greggs thing, sound like a five year old, bloody Greggs advert all over the internet. Come and get your sammages. Every five year old in Britain, come and get your sammages. I've only just stopped having anxiety dreams about that.

I saw the cap. I saw the Greggs cap yesterday. And now it's in our utility room. Or Robin's view. Probably where the knits has come from. He's been wearing it. Probably where the knits has come from. I saw the Greg's cap yesterday in our utility room. Probably where the knits has come from, he's been wearing it. Probably where the knits has come from, that Greg's cap. Cause you said, sandwich,

and every knit in the country went, oh, she's five years old. I feel like, I feel like sandwich is better than sandwich. I said sandwich, I'm telling you I said sandwich. You said sandwich. Either way, fuck you. Either way, I would hit me, I would hit me egg, egg, egg,

my egg gamble sandwich. Egg gamble. You told me egg gamble. I would heat me egg sandwich in, I would do it. Disgusting, nah. Paul, love you, but I would do it. Absolutely disgusting. Nah.

Absolutely disgusting. On the same note, I spoke to Carl that day and I've been dying to tell you this. Carl would do it. Carl would open his up and put it on top of him. Carl would absolutely do it, but if he saw someone else do it, he'd kick off because he's very selfish like that.

As long as his is fine, he's fine. Now, Carl has said, Carl Hutchinson, a friend of the podcast, has said some weird stuff in the past, but I was talking the other day and he blew my mind, right? Right. So he was in the supermarket with his wife and he saw someone we know. It might have been Jason Cook other friend of the podcast right. Yeah it was he saw Jason Cook other friend of the podcast. They live near to each other.

They live next to each other. He waved at Jason, nope, he waved at Jason and Jason didn't see him. Right. And Sophie, Carl's wife said are you you going to go up and say hello to Jason? Yeah. Because you've seen him and he hasn't seen you. And Carl said, and he stands by this, no, because sometimes I love it when you see someone but they don't see you because it's the closest feeling I'll ever get to seeing what it's like to be a ghost. closest feeling I'll ever get to seeing what it's like to be a ghost. Oh man. The collagen's in there.

Sectioned. Oh no, Sophie, I quite like it because it's the closest I think you ever feel to being a ghost. When you see someone in there, don't see you. He's got a point, like. Oh, he hasn't, man! He hasn't! Stop it! someone in there to unsee you. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo who I kind of know, they're not a close friend, but they're a friend, like an acquaintance or whatever. If I walk past them in the street and I go, you all right, mate? And they just go, all right, and they don't stop and they keep walking. I feel like running back and hugging them and go, thank you for that. So much respect for you.

Thank you for that. Yeah, kids are good for getting you out of that though. Kids kicking off all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry he was. Gotta go, sorry. Sorry he's desperate to go. Dad, I'm not.

Shut up, you are! Yeah. Yes. Oh, bless him. God love Carl Hutchinson. Has he stopped sending you texts of him farting on the beach? Or is that a new thing? Adam & Kirsty It wasn't a beach, it was up Arthur's seat.

Kirsty Was that an Arthur's seat? Adam It was an Arthur's seat. He did a video of himself at the top of Arthur's seat. Beautiful video. He did it on Instagram. He redid it with voiceover and stuff, but he tested it out on me. Kirsty Oh, so he put that on Instagram of him farting? Adam Yeah, but on Instagram, he put like a full on like motivational speech over the top, then a fart at the back. But I got the the first one which was just a photo of him looking at the view and then just looking at the camera and just farting.

And that fart must have been loud because there was wind and everything but I got the... I mean I thought it was one of the greatest videos I've ever received. Jesus Christ. Unreal. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for Watch Your Bee. Hey you babes have got nits yet you scruffy fucking bunch of bastards at you! So...

Was that it? Was that Barry just falling in to see your bairns? Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! How did he know? Someone necessary! How did he know? Your bairns have gotten it! You scruffy bunch of bastards!

Falling down! He's a real life intro barry. Isn't he? Such a scumbag. Is that it? Don't ask me. I'm just his vessel. Great. Sexy. Okay ladies first or me first? Mine honestly mine is something that I can't I mean it's very much just a very regular marriage thing, but you do it all the time. Oh, yeah. And it's, what? He's almost just a pause the way you do it all the time. Okay, right, okay, you're gonna, oh my God, I'm so excited. You're not even gonna have to look through my head because I genuinely think I might have them, but is it just in my head?

I don't know. It's probably a reaction to the treatment. Okay. I think this is because you grew up without one. This is why you do it. Because you've got no etiquette when it comes to it. You always leave the porch door open. Right. You're just... Yeah, I didn't have a porch door. Why don't you close it? When you leave that door open, that is all the heat from this house that we have paid good money for to heat it up.

Soon as you leave that door open, it's gone. Alright man. All the time. Like literally once a day you leave that porch door open. I like the light coming in sometimes. I like the light. I think it looks nice. It's a glass door. You're a glass door. You're a fucking glass door. It's a glass door, Chris. like the light coming in sometimes I like the light I think it looks nice. It's a glass door! You're a glass door! You're a fucking glass door! It's a glass door Chris there's light coming in. Right, it's like frosted though isn't it? Well I know but it's not dark. Okay sorry, is it costing money?

I don't like that, I don't like heating. I don't like heating stuff. You're actually, you're ruining the planet by doing that. Hey! I've done enough to counteract that at least. I must be on level pegging. It's not proper. It's not I'm not. No, come on. Do we also need to now? Should I save it for next week? Your fascination, which I've realised, is that you can't throw away a fucking paper. What's wrong with you?

I can't. It's scary. Do you like it, bloody? It's because we don't have. Mr. Rebus. Remember him? Who? Mr. Rebus. What's he called, Mr. Rebus? Just so basically me. Me, me, mom and dad and Kate and Kevin watched a program when we were younger.

It was about hoarders. Right. And there was a guy on there called Mr. Rebus. He probably did now. And literally anytime we did a tattoo me mom would be like, Alright Mr. Rebus! So you've just, you've insulted me by calling me the random name of a man

from one documentary that you saw years ago that you and your family latched onto. I'm gonna have to ring. Just cry and laugh. Can I ring Kate? Yes, ring fucking Kate. I'll just say as well saying that Mr. Rebus might be dead now because he was older but saying he's probably dead now while crossing yourself doesn't make he's probably deed now any less disrespectful okay mr. Rebus I'm sure I'm trevice hello you all right and just really quickly do you remember the Horden program with the Mr. Trubus. Fuck's sake. Mr. Trubus. Yeah. I just called Chris Mr. Trubus because he kept all of his paper. He keeps all of his paper. But then I had to explain that through our lives from watching that as a kid. Every time you make a mess, Mum would just be like, alright, Mr. Trubus.

Oh yeah, Mr. Trubus was the best. Oh, I know. I loved Mr. Trubus. I loved Mr. Trubus. It doesn't sound like it.ice was the best! Oh I know. I love Mr. Trevice. I loved Mr. Trevice. It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you used it as a fucking insult for people. You can't use someone's name as an insult and then cover it up by going I loved Mr. Trevice.

No, he was a real character. Right. He was, he used to shout at the council man every time he came around. He was great, we loved him. We were big fans of Mr. Trevice. Brilliant. I called him Rebus to be fair. Alright then.

You ought to forget something. Love you. Love you, bye. Bye. Mr. Trevice. I knew she'sbus to be fair. Alright then. Adam's Dad- You're gonna forget something. Kirsty- Love you. Bye. Mr. Trev...I knew she's got a good memory. Adam- Yeah. Just because we haven't got a paper caddy. We haven't got a paper caddy in our... We need to get a paper caddy for the top of our recycle bin and then I need to start throwing the paper away. Recycling paper again. But because we haven't got one, I just keep...

I just keep it all. I can't stop. Kirsty- Keeping his treasures. He was great. Oh God. If I Google Mr. Trevus, he'd come up. Oh fuck me. Genuinely. Oh my God!

Is he? Is he alive? He only died 2002, which is 22 years ago. There he is. Well... Edmund Trevus. Well... He's got a Wikipedia page?

You and your family are probably single-handedly keeping him alive. Can I see your photo of him then? Mm-hmm. There he is. I saw that. I didn't know his name but I saw that. Yeah, yeah, I recognise him from that. Yeah, Mr Trebus. So you know, I reckon, I think I'm sure it's a Banksy statement that you die twice.

Um, the last time you draw a breath and the last time someone ever says your name. I think I'm sure it's a Banksy statement that you die twice. The last time you draw a breath and the last time someone ever says your name. So he's still- You and your family are keeping him alive. There you go. He's probably like, you're fucking packing in. I just wanna go. I just wanna rest.

Stop saying my name. Every couple of years. What man? What? Yeah, look, Anna. Right, do you want to hear my beef with you? Come on then. So my beef with you, and this cut deep,

it was very, very hurtful when you did it. So we have, we'll see each other a lot. We do, we're parent together, we work together. Yes. You know, we do a lot of things together. Yeah. We run a household together, we do all this. So we have almost, we have nights in together, but they're like separate, which is quite

nice. So like one will take one kid to bed, one will take the kid to bed, then you have a bath and I'll jump in like the sauna, and we have like sort of a night together, a night apart but together kind of thing. One of the little nights in. Yeah. I'll tell you why. The other night, I don't, the other night, I'll stop you right there. The other night, I was going to go out or you were going to go out and then it sort of fell

through when we decided that we're going to both stay in. And we're in the kitchen, you were sitting and I looked at you and I was like, oh, we're going to have one of our little nights in together. Meaning you can do your thing and I'll do my thing. You misheard and you thought I said, do your thing and I'll do my thing. You misheard and you thought I said, we'll have a little night together and you looked fucking devastated. Like, it was so hurtful. I think I've written it down. The exact words were, we'll have one of our little separate nights together. That's what I said. That's what we'll call it. But you thought I'd said, we'll have a night together and you just went, what?

And I went, oh no, I meant separate. You went, oh thank God. And I was like, that's funny. But the idea of spending the night with us, you look like you were gonna be sick. I don't mean it like that, but we see each other all the time. Right. I'll tell you right now, I genuinely think the demise of a lot of marriages, especially these days, is just you spend too much time together. I think it should be totally normal to just be like, right, I'm gonna go watch a telly upstairs for an hour, or I'm gonna do this.

Some people, not us, right, but some people literally have to spend everything. And if they don't, it's like, well, why don't you want, like, imagine if you literally went to me, why don't you want to spend the night with us? I'd say, excuse me. First of all, take that tone out of your voice and don't ever speak to me like that. Second of all, give us a bit of space. I can't breathe. Adam's Mom Right. Kirsty And then, we would go...I think we're happy I've heard personally.

Adam's Mom Right. Okay. Okay. Kirsty The kids are exhausting. They are exhausters. I need some time on my own. Me and you have got the rest of our lives together literally until death do us part. Hopefully you first. No, but can we? Seriously, the kids... Adam's Dad- Honestly, I agreed. I did want...I was suggesting... Kirsty- You love it.

Adam- It was just the look on your face. It was the look of horror, disgust and genuine sadness when you thought that I was wanting to have a night with you. Just that. Just that. Not even a bit, not even a slight bit of disappointment. I was gonna watch my iPad in the bath. Like, how dare you suggest that we have a night together? Was the exact look on your face. Literally, how old are the kids?

Robin's nine. Say like six years. You've got all of yourself. Oh no, I've still got Rafe. Ten year. Adam & Kirsty Oh my God! Me and you, that's when we'll get it back together. Adam & Kirsty Hey, Siri! Set a timer for ten years, please. Mm-hmm! What are you gonna call it? Adam & Kirsty What?

The old ball and chain. Guess who's back. Adam & Kirsty Slide countdown. Guess who's back? Slag countdown. Oh, I didn't mean it'd be horrible, I promise you. I just, I really, I relish, I relish in those, that little bit of time that I get with my own thoughts. Sorry, I actually can't continue this conversation because I'm actually panicking that Siri might have started a tenure time and that's scary and all that.

Genuinely, I hope it has. I think we're alright. I can't, Chris, I cannot stop it itching. Will you look? It's because you've got lice. Have I? Have I actually? Do you want to come and have a look? Let's pause the podcast and I'll come and have a little look. Okay, you ready? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. 100%. If you've just tuned in, I've just checked Rosie's hair for lice. Honestly, a couple of bits of crisp crumbs there, the odd Yorkshire pudding, some mint sauce, bit of potato. Other

than that, no lice. All good. Jokes on you because I haven't even had a bag of crisps today. Yeah, I know, you poured them all over your head. Paradise is an all new series set in a serene community inhabited by some of the world's most prominent individuals. But this tranquility explodes when a shocking murder occurs and a high stakes investigation unfolds.

Starring Sterling K Brown, James Marsden and Julianne Nicholson, Paradise is streaming January 28th only on Disney Plus. It's time for Questions from the Public! As always if you like to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com hi rosie and chris chris's beef about rosie spit bucket on last week's podcast reminded me of a story i had to share with you right we don't normally give trigger warnings right but spit upsets people a lot doesn't it spit upsets spits, upsets me, to be honest with you. Yeah, it spits, upsets people loads for some reason. One of the worst stories we've ever had was years ago,

I don't even want to repeat it, it was that bad, but it was about the... The fishbowl. That wasn't even written in. That was two guys I know told me that. That wasn't even written in. That was... So horrible. I got told that on a stag do. Awful. It really struck with me. It really upset us.

Yeah, it really upset everyone. Anyway, so... I'm warning yous, right? Do the little skippy forwards. I personally don't like trigger warnings, but fair enough. Here it is. Okay. A few years ago, when I still lived in my parents' house, my boyfriend stayed the night, but we had to sleep in separate rooms

because my parents wouldn't let us sleep in the same room. Ugh, Richard! Fuckers. No, actually, I'm dreading any of that, if I'm honest with you. I don't want to be kept awake by the sound of me children having sex. It's not something I ever want to happen. I don't want to be kept awake by that.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Awful, awful. I don't think we will be. I hope I just get, just being, like, even when I'm in a hotel and it's strange, isn't it? So now I want to fucking kick the door down and go, will you fucking pack it in? Yeah, it's not nice.

Shut up! The next morning I went to wake him up. He was very sleepy and struggling to get out of bed as he was ill with a nasty cold and hadn't slept very well. There was a water bottle on the bedside table. It was empty except for a drop of water at the end. As a joke and to try and get him out of bed, I took the water bottle and turned it upside down over his head so that a drop or two

of water would fall on his face. What first of all he's got a fucking cold he's not well. Couple of things here he's got a cold he's not well he's been up all night why are you waking him up? Why if he's not well and he's had a cold and he's been up all night why are you trying to pour water on him why are you even at his fucking house? Why is he there? Oh, is he at your house? Aye. I fucking stayed, what the heck?

Oh, but then again, it's like, I've got a cool, but I love you, and we're together. We'll live at my mom and dad's house. I wanna be near you. Yeah. God, when I'm alone, but you're alone, I don't wanna be anywhere near you.

Right, carry on. When you, love, love, shine a light. Yeah. So anyway, when I tipped the bottle upside down, I realized there was actually more liquid in the bottle than I thought Right, I also noticed it was coming out of the bottle a little slower than water would for fuck's sake when he realized what I was Doing he screamed at me to stop, but it was too late God what I didn't realize was like Rosie he'd been spitting up phlegm into the bottle allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll in the way, horrible face. If there wasn't a wall in the way, you could spit straight into that toilet from where you are to that close.

And I don't know how far this toilet is for this person, but for fuck's sake. He's not even at his own house, poor Ben. Oh God! Stop it man! The thick, sticky phlegm spilled out of the bottle, and this is a bit unnecessary, and spewed all over his face before I could stop it. I think she could have stopped it, I'll be honest with you. Needless to say, it was absolutely disgusting. We were both gagging and trying not to vomit afterwards, and I was in big trouble. Can we all just stop spitting in fucking receptacles, please?

I just... Well, I'm sorry. That's her fault for doing that. Honestly, and I might even divide opinion here, but even have a fucking load of tissues, spit into the tissue and scrunch it up. That's just as bad. No, it's not because there's not... The coffee cups that you must... I can't look at them cups now.

You know how to go me the other day because I make scrambled eggs in a little glass. You've been whisking raw eggs in my little plastic cups that I use. You have been spitting in our fucking coffee cups. Our nice anthropology coffee cups. I thoroughly... I use boiling water. And I use boiling water to clean the cups with the egg in. And by the way, egg is fucking food.

Hmm. Hmm. No, yeah, you're right. Honestly, turn me stomach when I pull it down the cell. Absolutely turn me stomach. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. Horrible. I'm not ill anymore though.

I can't promise I'm not gonna do it again though. Oh, here's a quick little one, are you ready? Watching a movie and there's a man looking for an outfit for his dead wife. Me and my lad got talking about our outfits for funeral. I'm sure we've talked about this before, but it was a long time ago. He said, football top.

And the thought of him in an open coffin with a footy top sends me west. Which. West's funny. I really enjoyed that. What would you wear again? I'm not wearing an open coffin. Yeah, but what do you want to wear when you die? I've got to pick it.

If you die before me, what would you... I did whisper, which you will, sorry. What would you want to wear? What do I put you in? Come on, let's get this sorted. Right. Genos? No, no, just pajamas.

Me? Same? Yeah, track your pants and hoodie. Right. You want to know what you want to wear? I'm going to put you in a... I'm going to put you in a... I'm going to put you in a... I'm going to put you in a... I'm going to put you in a... I'm going to put you in a... I What do I put you in? Come on, let's get this sorted. Just let me know. Right. Geno's?

No, no, just pajamas. Me? Same? Yeah, track your pants and hoodie. Track your pants and hoodie. I wanna be comfy for eternity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These daft fuckers. I don't wanna be a ghost in a suit.

Yes. Oh God, yeah. Don't put me in a bra. Do not put me in a bra. I'll put you in the smallest bra I can find. Oh God. Smallest bra I can find. Put... I've got a bra from like before I I can find. Oh god. Smallest bra I can find. Put, don't. I've got a bra from like before I had any kids.

I've kept it. Yeah, that. It's fucking tiny. Yeah, yeah. It's literally like, Tits are gonna be coming out the side like fucking, when you do Play-Doh. Oh god.

Oh, it's going to be. Out the side. It's gonna be great. It's so uncomfortable. Yeah. No, I would like. A really thin thong. Really wiry, thin wiry thong.

That's so cruel. Yeah, yeah thong. That's so cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so cruel. Yep, yep. I just wanna be in Jama's. Some high heels, put your high heels as well. Dead, dead high, dead narrow heels. Why are you being so horrible?

I'm literally, there's me going like, I'll put you in your countries. Because you're begging that I die first. I'm not. You are. I'm gonna put you in like one of them Versace dressing gowns. Class, like fucking Hugh Hefner.

Yeah, and I'm just gonna say it everyone, he's so gaudy, that's what he wanted to wear. God, I'm glad he's dead. God, I'm glad he's dead. Oh, wow, wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Dear Rosie and Chris, thought I would share my most embarrassing moment. Thank wow. Wow. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Dear Rosie and Chris, I thought I would share my most embarrassing moment. Thank you very much.

Please keep me anonymous. Always. I recently, right. I thought this was house but I was wrong. I recently went to view a horse. Do you want me to scan read? Sorry. Yeah I do.

What do you, what, right. What do you, so first of all you're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. You're about to read a book. Do you want me to scan read? Sorry, yeah I do.

What do you, right. So first of all, you're about to read a version of a story that makes no sense to you whatsoever because in the first version it was house. Oh no, no, no, you get it straight after but I'm just telling you when I read this yesterday I was like, oh, Ritzy went to view a house and then it was like, went by and, no, so it says Ritzy went to view a horse, went viewing a horse, I was like, oh, all right, you owe a horse, not a house. Right, so you're right the first time, wrong the first time,

right the second time. Yes. Fucking hell. What, she go and view them, I don't understand. Before you're gonna buy them, you get to see them before. What? You got, they're like a- I wouldn't be able to do that.

Because, right, when, so if you go to buy a, if you go and view a horse, if you don't want the horse, do you have to say that you don't want, I wouldn't be able to say it in front of the horse. I'd have to go. The horse won't know that you're there to buy it. Honestly, come and look at it, I go, I think me, I think I don't want that.

I go, can we go out here? Do you want to be interested then? You can go out, just out the way of the horse. You wanna sit in this car so we can hear? I sit in the car, I turn the music full blast and I go, yeah, I don't want this horse. It's not for me, but I didn't want to see it in front of the horse in case I hurt you,

just little feelings. Not little feelings, usually pretty big horses. Big feelings. Do you want to hear the rest? Yeah, how about then? When viewing a horse, you are often given the option to ride and try before you buy. That's even worse.

You gotta ride on it. The horse is like, oh this is great, we're gonna have a great life together. Nah, not for me. Sex before marriage. People who wait till they get married to have sex. Yeah. It's bad, innit? Nah, what?

Couldn't do that. What? Don't know who's still doing that. Who? No. Do you even get to look at the like bits and that? Do you even go like, we're not gonna stick it in and that, but can I have a little look? Can I have a feel? Erm, I honestly don't know I would do all that stuff

They must do what that stuff or do they do nothing and some people don't kiss man Oh, no, no, no, no, no chance. No upset and All was going well and this horse appeared to be perfect for me. All right until I rode it. I Was riding around the arena just walking and getting used to him. The owner went off and left me to it. I started to trot and this is where things started to go wrong. Whilst trotting around the arena, weird name for it, the whole... I think it's like, I think that's what, it's not like Newcastle Arena or like, you know, Sheffield Arena, they're not like, do you know what I mean?

Can you fucking, can you fucking hurry up? Mickey Flanagan's in here the night. Like, Like, do you know what I mean? Can you fucking hurry up, Mickey Flanagan's in here tonight. Like, I think that's just what the bits go. I didn't know that. Strictly live or setting up. Someone clean all this shit up, man. Fucking hell. It's an ice rink under there, yeah.

All of them have got ice rings under, which is bad. You're melting the ice. All this horse shit's melting the ice. Listen, whilst trotting around the arena, the horse caught sight of a jump that was set up in the middle. As quick as a flash, he decided he was going to canter at this jump. Holy fuck. I do not jump. Love the word canter.

She says do not jump. She obviously... So she doesn't jump horses. Oh, it's a she. Yeah, yeah. So she doesn't jump horses. She does not jump on horses. Right. Whilst flying over the jump, I managed to hold on but landed awkwardly which scared him. He took off at full speed around the arena with me screaming for dear life. I finally managed to stop him and this is where it gets

embarrassing. Now it is the time to mention that I am a mum to three daughters. All huge babies and natural deliveries. Way ahead of you. You guessed it. Did you guess You guessed it. Way ahead of you. Did you guess it? Yeah. Once I managed to stop, I realized that I pissed myself. She's pissed all over that horse.

Spectacularly. A tsunami of piss, if you will. Unbelievable. Can you imagine going to buy a car of someone? Can you imagine going to buy a car, taking it for a test drive and just pissing yourself in the car, then going, not for me, it's full of piss.

That's your piss. Ah, well, stills pissing it, the car they're going not for me it's full of piss what's your piss ah well still pissing it they want it the man the manager the owner the owner came back and I explained what just happened and I'm like what? just the idea just aye not for me have you pissed on this horse? well have I? you can

if anything that horse pissed on me. Sorry, I don't want a horse that can piss on its own back. I'd say there's something wrong with it. I'd be like, it's sweaty. Very sweaty. The owner came back and I explained what had happened and slid off the saddle. It was so inguent. I had no way of discreetly wiping it dry. Oh my god it gets worse. To my horror, the owner jumped up onto the horse to ride him immediately. Oh my god. Mortified that the owner was seemingly unaware that she was sitting in my warm fresh piss. I politely said that I did not think the horse was for me and left, praying that she did not notice

my obviously wet jodhpaz as I did the long walk back to the car Oh my god, there's a question at the end it is would you have confessed or just let it happen like I did 100% confessed it would have it would have it would have Tortured me for years. I would have had to go look. I just pissed all over your horse Sorry and all that. I've got bad experiences with horses. Yeah, I'm sure I've mentioned it on here before You have. You went to a horse riding lesson, you told them you'd done loads and they just let you fucking go off it. The biggest fucking problem.

I was literally about seven. Yeah, I've done it before. Just lying. Lying your head off. Yeah. What's wrong with this? Well, listen, you didn't piss all over it, so you've won. I mean, I remember. I remember. My sister was just kind of like open mouth being like, what are you saying? You've never...

This is your first time here. The woman, I remember. I remember my sister was just kind of like open mouth being like, what are you saying? You've never, this is your first time here? I was like, is this the woman? I remember, I remember really clearly. She was like, so have you been on a horse before? I was like, yeah. Loads, loads. She's like, oh well, clearly you were very advanced at this. Let's put you on this one. Shit me fucking pants. I'd never been on a horse. I mean like, stupid twat.

Oh God. I can't just, I can't believe she just pissed on someone's horse and then just said the horse isn't for me and just waddled back to her car, got a bit pissed and just drove home. Unbelievable. Yeah, that cough, you know. What, must that horse be thinking? What do you mean? Well, they just let someone in, they piss on our horse and then they just leave. Well, do you know what it is?

Talk about trauma. Unbelievable. That horse has literally been pissed on. I mean, it'll be all over the saddle. Sodomized. All over the saddle. That's not what sodomized means. What does sodomized mean? You mean soiled is what you're trying to think of. What does sodomized mean? Something up your bum. That's what sodomized is.

Is it? Yes! I'm telling you right now, that's not what you think it means. You mean soiled, don't you? I'm soiled. What's wrong with you? I thought I was being quite clever with a good word, sodomy. It's a good word, like sodomy. What's what sodomy mean? Oh my God, stop it.

Stop it. Is it bad? It's... Yes, it's like... It's the biblical term. It's the negative biblical term for anal sex. Oh, is it? Yes. Oh God. It's a biblical term. It's the negative biblical term for anal sex. Oh is it? Yes. Oh God. It's a fucking hell.

See how I was brought up Catholic? You see all these words are stuck in the back of my head somewhere. I don't realize that's bad. They come out now and then. Sodomy. Oh God. Is it like derogatory? Yes. Okay sorry I don't mean it like that. Right okay well God. But the poor horse got pissed on? Yeah he got pissed on and that's what I'm saying he did not get so demised he got pissed on. Sorry everyone. God I'm mindfied. Let's go on to the next one I'm still itchy. You know the only person who's

you're one of the only people who's gonna get cancelled for something that you don't even know maybe you'll go to your grave not knowing why you got cancelled because he just said the wrong thing somewhere. Willa though, Willa really been married to you? Yeah. You're fucking tell us. I'll pull you up in life you me if it saves my career. She doesn't mean that, she just means the horse was pissed on. Thank you for watching this morning. You're going to... Thank you for watching the Grand National on Channel 4.

That poor horse has been son of mine. Well, I'm stop saying it. These horses only run fast because they think they're gonna get stopped by the police. Hi Chris and Rosie. I hope you're both well. Other than itching. Other than a lice outbreak and Rosie not knowing certain words. I'm fine. I'm itchy everywhere. I'm like... Stop thinking about it man. Right, well in a recent episode, Rosie's story of the gladiators visiting our school jogged a memory of a little story I thought I'd share with you.

When I was in the first year of comprehensive school, circa 1998, the dance slash rave group QFX came to our school in County Durham. Wow. Yeah, do you remember them? Er, yes. In previous episodes, when you've mentioned Durham, you've hinted to the listeners that it's posh, affluent, well-to-do area. Well this takes place in a former pit village a couple of miles outside of the city centre, not posh, not affluent, not well-to-do. Oh I'm not saying there's not shittles surrounding Durham. Durham itself is canny but yeah actually. Why do it is like that?

Yeah yeah. You know the hill folk rolling to the village sometimes, rolling to the town centre sometimes for the gigs. If you don't know who QFX are, oh it says here anyway, QFX came and performed a couple of songs on our stage in the school hall. They had a big hit called Freedom that went down a storm. I'm gonna play it for you now. They're quite ravey aren't they? Oh unbelievable. This is gonna cheer you up.

It's not even that. I guarantee it makes us feel sick. I guarantee that you're a fucking prick. I listened to this yesterday and I genuinely I wanted to get up out of my seat. Some songs make us feel sick. You ready? I'll explain in a moment, yeah, go.

I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. Come on! No.

Wait till the beat drops in. Noce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, unce, How much is this going to cost to clear this?? I don't know. Free from desire. Different song. Freedom. Different song. Free from desire is a different song. Can you turn that noise off please? Free from desire. Feel sick.

Can you turn it off? Free from desire. The influence is purified. Can you turn it off? Oh yeah, I'll just get my blanket back on. That was nice. No offence. It's just not my thing.

I'm sure, you know, no offence because every time I slag something off on this fucking The person who made it messages is you know, it's all right. That's not your thing It's just not my thing. So certain songs make us feel physically sick and poison the the dance remix of poison anything by DJ Sammy most things by TSO and Is it because when you were younger you got grief of other kids does that remind you of your youth? It reminds us of standing outside

of pubs and clubs that I wasn't old enough to get in while everyone was inside having a lovely time and it makes us feel a bit sick and a bit anxious when these songs are on. Anything like I say anything DJ Sammy. But they remind me of school discos where were you going? We were still at school when these were out. Well alright, I just don't fucking like it then. It makes us feel physically sick. We started comprehensive school in 1997. What's the clouds one? What's this DJ Sammy? There's one about clouds. Heaven? We're in heaven. Yeah ill. I'll be sick everywhere. Yeah. Oh God! Stop, can't bear it. Can't bear it. Stop!

Get us angry. Get us genuinely angry. Get us genuinely angry. Yeah, just like when I was in college and that, I was one of the youngest in the year, everyone started going out and stuff, and I would get ready to go out and all my mates would be playing all this music and stuff. And be like, yeah, I'm being in someone's house drinking and everyone would get in and I wouldn't get in. And I would, I remember- Just triggering for you.

17th birthday, I got the bus home on my own afterwards. I got a pizza and got the bus home on my own, everyone went, actually no, no. Big shout out to my friend John at the time. My friend John got the bus home with us. You can't take that in your older life though. Dug it, got it. It's on my shoulder.

It's a big chip on my shoulder right there. It's a big dance and rave flavoured chip on my shoulder. Because I love it all, me. I love, love, love it. Anyway, do you want to hear about them now that they've gone on a tangent? So they were at this school outside County Durham. Okay. The tunes were banging.

There was strobe lights, robot dancing. It was class. Even that sentence, the tunes are banging. They never came to my school. I'm devastated. Right. They also did a workshop, the tunes are banging. They never came to my school, I'm devastated. They also did a workshop on the danger of drugs, so they were doing important community work in deprived high-risk areas. Got you. That's why they never come to my school. No, they should have come. Your school should be on top of the list to be fair. Your school should be on top of the list.

Your school should be on top of the list. Fuck, your school. Your school should be on top of the list. Excuse me? Oh, do you know what I remember this morning actually about my school? What? I remember what was in my school this morning actually about my school? What? I remember what happened in my school this morning. And I don't think they get away with this these days. Rotten. So, well, when I was in the shower doing my second life's treatment of the day.

Great. I remember thinking. I remember thinking, I might just shave my head. I was like, I think we're gonna be a bald family. We're all just gonna shave our heads. I'll shave your head. I'll shave the kids' heads. I'll shave my head.

We'll get rid of it all, right? Like that guy who I saw in the gum clinic years ago who shaved everything. I couldn't work out what was wrong with him until I realized he shaved his eyebrows as well because he had crabs. Oh, by the way, I was panicking last night, itching up there thinking,

have I got it? Oh, I've been itching my beard. Eyelashes, I thought they were in my eyelashes. Can you get it down there? Oh, same. Don't know. Anyway, a kid in my school one weekend for a laugh bicked his head.

Right. The big razor, shaved his entire head flat, suspended him. Oh really? Yeah, I remember they suspended him until he grew back. If you had a wacky hairstyle, or at my school. Oh, doing it.

You had to sit in the forehand, or you had to sit outside the headmaster's office. I remember going to headmasters, That's funny. And there'd be like three lads on chairs and tables with shit hair. Cause they'd just done stupid hair. You look disgraceful.

So we're going to put you on display at the front of the school for visitors and deliveries. So weird. There was some weird stuff. Imagine how many Amazon deliveries come to schools now. Can you imagine? Cause when we were kids, not really much happened. Like a visitor coming to the school was very rare. There'd be Amazon parcels every five seconds now. to schools now? Can you imagine? Because when we were kids, not really much happened. Like

a visit I'd come into the school was very rare. There'd be Amazon parcels every five seconds now. I don't think kids are allowed to. Teachers. Oh, they might not be allowed. Do you reckon? I don't think they're allowed. Should I ask my friend? Can teachers get Amazon parcels delivered to schools? They are teachers. No, they can't. I don't think they can. I would. What if it was pencils? Have you seen on Deliveroo where it says...

What if it was pencils? Well, maybe. I don't know. Have you seen on Deliveroo where it says... What if it was pencils? Well, maybe. I don't know. Have you seen on Deliveroo where it says you're not allowed to be in a school, they don't deliver to school. Is that what it says? Yeah. Oh, okay then. It's very funny. Listen. Okay. But the thing that stood out the most, and this really characterises the era of which

the story took place, is they all had matching capa tracks suits with QFX embroidered on the back. It might not seem it now, but in my 12 year old mind, that was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I remember the first time I saw a Kappa track suit. I thought it was unbelievable. Oh, they were absolutely mint. I thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen. And then a mate of mine, right, had, so normally you had the Kappa track suits with the Kappa went down the sides and then you had the zip up top with the Kappa went down the arms. A mate of mine had one he got from America with a cap I

went down the side of the pants but then the top was a zip that just went half way down your chest and you pulled it over the top and on the front of it was a giant Kappa logo. That's a knock off. That's not from America. Bullshit. As I've just said that, I've realised he's got a fake one. Do you've just, as I, do you know, for years I thought that was from America. It was a fake one. Hilarious. Anyway, it was great. Didn't have the Kappa on the side, just had a giant Kappa logo on the front. I was just like, that is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

I never wore Kappa. I'm not gonna lie. I only got a, I got a Kappa t-shirt and I wasn't allowed the pants because my mom didn't like the pants. No, I had nothing Kappa. Right. Kappa Slapper. Yeah. You know, you had the general

aura of being a Kappa slapper you didn't need to wear the paraphernalia everyone knew obviously yeah no I think I had a Kappa hat or did I have a Kangol hat I can't remember anyway I had a navy blue Adidas jumper stripes down the side yeah pop my pants I had three pairs of pop my pants did they go all the way up or did they stop at the thang? yeah pointless not a slot absolutely pointless, listen. This is taking much longer than I would have meant. I'm so sorry. So, they've got the Kappa tracksuits with the QFX on, embroidered, and also they turned up in a Ford Galaxy people carrier with fully tinted windows with QFX emblazed across the car. Deen Harry, also cool.

Deen Harry, they had a mate who did stick as an embroidery I'm telling you right now. I think they performed in the tracksuits then got changed into regular clothes to do the drugs workshop. You can't have a drugs workshop with your matching QFX cap on. No, gotta be taken seriously can you? I think they put suits on and each of the suits had QFX written on the back. Do you think? Yeah, suits had QFX written on the back. Do you think? Yeah, ties with QFX written on. So while these kind, decent people were giving talks on the dangers of drugs to young, impressionable

students, some scruffy bastard smashed the windows of the Ford Galaxy and stole the Kappa track suits. Holy shit! I remember there being absolute uproar. The police were at the school, teachers pulling all the usual suspects in for questioning. I can't really remember how I felt about it at the time, certainly not the warm memory Rosie has of the gladiators. But looking back now, it makes me chuckle and it's a perfect encapsulation of that time and place. A few

of my mates reckon they know who did it, but to my knowledge, nobody was ever caught, and nobody was ever seen wearing the Cabaret track suits in brackets. They were so unique. How could they? I like to think that they've folded up in a box at the back of someone's wardrobe now, and whoever stole them puts one on in the house every now and again when they're home alone and babes in the nostalgia. Who took the...

You know what? That needs to be kept. That needs to be kept for the school reunion. Just walk into the school reunion with the QFX coming and everyone goes, oh, it was you! You're fucking right, it was me. Freedom! Who did it? Who did it? Did I ever tell you that I seen the naughty lad, the naughty lad from my school who got expelled. At the Pride of South Tyneside Awards, his daughter is doing this really well, like really lovely girl,

and she's doing all this stuff in South Tyneside. I see him there, he's like, hello. I was like, hello. He's like, remember me? I was like, ee, no. He was like, he said his name, and I was like, oh my God's like, remember me? I was like, ee, I know what he was like. He said his name and I was like, oh my God, yes I do. He was like, I was getting what he wanted. I was like, I literally, the memory, the biggest memory of him was he used to put his tie on the gas taps.

Adam's Dad- Yeah. Kirsty- He used to just put his tie on the gas taps. Turn them on. Remember the gas taps? Adam's Dad- Yeah. Kirsty- I don't know if they still got them. Turn it on he'd just sit, buffing his tie for the rest of the day. Yeah, nice lad though. Oh, sounds like a great, yeah, sounds like an upstanding member of society. It was just the way he was, remember me?

And he genuinely looked really different. Yeah, do you have a tie on? What did it smell like? I can't remember, but it was just the way he was going, we're getting all you with that. I was like, are you work? You got a fucking eggs bell. Oh God,'t remember, but it was just the way he was going, we're getting old, you know what I mean? I was like, are you work? You got fucking expelled. Oh God, I remember a lad got expelled from high school.

It wasn't in my year. He got expelled from high school and his mom came down and put all the windows out. Brilliant. And I remember thinking, hi mom, never sticks up for me. I'm just gonna punch the headmaster and put all the windows out of the office.

The apple doesn't fall. My mom. She just didn the windows out of the office. The apple doesn't fall. My mom! She just didn't want him in the house. Fuckin' put him in the apple! He's not coming home! He's fucking joking on you! I'll kill you all! My mom, genuinely, when we were kids, used to tell me and my brother and sister, she was like, If you do anything wrong, I will be the first one to call the police. No one had my back. Absolutely no one had my back.

Should tell, and I've actually, I would say that to the kids. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not putting out the headmaster's windows for you, no chance. No. No chance. No. Wow.

Funny though, but some people don't, some people, that's a big problem with society nowadays, is people don't think that the children can do anything wrong. Yeah. The teacher said, what? Well, either, yeah, because he's being a little twat. Like literally Robin will come home and be like, I got wrong.

I'm like, what did you do? Yeah, 100%. And he'll be like, I did this. I'll be like, well, I, that's why I got wrong. Like, what do you want? Do you want me to go and tell the teacher? I'm not storming into that school for anything. Chris, people do.

Some people do. You know, my mates are teachers. Parents, a while they're literally like, why did you talk to my child like this? Because they're a little twat that's why. Saw your bane out, stop coming down yeah. And that's why Rosie's not a teacher. That's why I don't work with children anymore because I can't keep my mouth shut. Oh John here I know one more story. Go on then. Hi Chris and Rosie just a quick one for you.

Currently listening in the episode with the bloke who was wiping his ass with the anti-back wipes. There it is. Love it, I love how the stories spark memories. Red Row Ass. My mom, who's went one better than this man, she was at my house for a little family get together. She went to the toilet, in brackets, just for a wee, and when she came back down, said,

oh, them wipes smell lovely, very lemony. Took a few seconds to click, and then I realized she'd used me floor we now this is a bit and wipes are fucking massive outbreaks of funny we now refer to my mom as the flash A bit must be tough as old boots. Flash! What a flash could. Fantastic. There you are.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagmire Noi. Just had an email from the school. Good afternoon. We would like to inform you that some cases of head lice have been identified in some Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagmire Noi. Just had an email from the school. Good afternoon. We would like to inform you that some cases of head lice have been identified in some infant slash primary classes. Shame! It's us! Shame! So they said infant slash primary? Well yeah because... Oh that's good. I thought they'd say the specific year. Oh I named the vids. Who's got two kids in there but that's alright. No I mean I did put it on the WhatApp groups but... And we've definitely said it on one of the biggest podcasts the UK, but I think we'll get away with it

I think we'll get away with it. Thank you for your cooperation Anyway, thank you for listening Yeah, thanks guys. If you want to get in touch a chagmire annoyed at gmail.com If you want a pillow sent your house infested with lice, send your address. I'll fire one of them straight down. No problem at all. We've got about 20 of them to spare. Back in your ears next week. Bye! In a darkly comedic look at motherhood and society's expectations, Academy Award nominated Amy Adams stars as a passionate artist who

puts her career on hold to stay home with her young son. But her maternal instinct takes a wild and surreal turn as she discovers the best, yet fiercest, part of herself. Based on the acclaimed novel, Nightbitch is a thought-provoking and wickedly humorous film from Searchlight Pictures. Stream Nightbitch January 24th only on Disney+.