Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 304. Vasectomy Guy

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

On this week's podcast Chris stops procrastinating and and much to Rosie's delight, books his vasectomy. The couple discuss a controversial record breaker, robots, one egg omelettes and there is even a call from Belinda Beef! Email the podcast [e-mail]

Getting dressed should be simple. If you're like me, you want to look good, feel comfortable, and be ready for anything. That's why I love Dürer. It's not active wear, but it's not just fashion. It's the best of both worlds, where performance meets style. I wear my Dürer pants to work, out with friends, on hiking trails, and everywhere in between. If you haven't tried Dürer, you've got to feel the difference for yourself. Head to dürer.ca slash comfort and get 20% off your first purchase today. That's Dewar.ca slash Comfort. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canada. This situation has changed very quickly.

Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. Download the free CBC News app or visit cbcnews.ca. Paradise is an all-new series set in a serene community inhabited by some of the world's most prominent individuals. But this tranquility explodes when a shocking murder occurs and a high-stakes investigation unfolds. Starring Sterling K. Brown, James Martin and Julianne Nicholson, Paradise is now streaming

only on Disney+. Hello, you're listening to Shagmireid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. I've got a stiff neck. Oh Jesus Christ. I've got a stiff neck. I'm not even saying hello. I've got a stiff neck.

It's consuming me thoughts. You need to go get it sorted. You're far too young to be the way that you're going on. I'm turning like an astronaut. Like when you see footage of the astronauts on the moon and they're like, you are turning your entire body from the fucking waste. That's how I'm turning. I'm sick, stiff neck, horrible.

I was gonna make it me sponsor, right? And I searched the computer and it's been me sponsor before. Oh, course it has. Cause it's just so annoying that your body's like, nice sleep, well you fucking did it wrong. So sit down. This is because we spent a night together, didn't we?

In the same bed. Slept in the same bed. Slept in your shitty pillow. It's not bad. Honestly, I love my pillow. Horrible. Love it. I have to have everyone out there

who has soft, flat, rank little shitty pillows. I hate you. Soft pillows, what are you playing at? You might as well not have one. I need a hard, firm pillow. I need the support. Well, they freaked me out. You know the ones I've seen in Adverford

and it was like, they're really hard but they've got like a space for your neck. I was like, where'd you put your hand? I've literally just ordered one. Oh God. I've literally just ordered one off Instagram. No, I don't get it. So obviously, again, it just absolutely astonishes us that we all walk around going, oh yeah, I mentioned cat food and then me Instagram just advertised cat food as an appetizer. It's terrifying. I don't know why we're letting it get away with it but we are and we all, I mean don't get us wrong, it's convenient

because I just walked around the other day just going me fucking neck's hurting, me neck's hurting, me neck's hurting. Two seconds later Instagram's like, do you want a fucking pillow? Where your head, it goes up, gives you support on your neck. It's even got, it's got like grooves on the side

so you can put your hand like sort of through and in the pillow. It's very exciting. Very exciting. Well I stupidly looked at nits a couple of times on Instagram, didn't I? To get advice. And now, it's like, oh, you love manky disgusting ticks, but you know what? I actually do. Yeah, you do.

You were in your element picking ticks out of our kids years. Oh, I know. I felt like a little chimpanzee. It was absolutely class. You were loving it. I could do that, you know. I could...that's probably the animal I'd want to be. A chimp. A chimp? Yes. Oh, we're halfway there. I could do that, you know. I could...that's probably the animal I'd wanna be. A chimp. A chimp. Yes.

Oh, we're halfway there. Yeah. We are. I thought you meant in general because I look like one, but I'm just saying no. No, I didn't mean that at all. Yeah, we are halfway there. I wanna see that new Robbie Williams film. I really wanna see it. Yeah.

Sounds good. It's apparently really good. It's apparently really good. Yeah, I got a stiff neck and other than that, I don't know nothing that do solves it. Let's not start it off with just complaining. I'm in quite a good mood today. Well, oh, sorry when you're in a bad mood, I'll still tell on. Fair enough. But listen, I haven't made an appointment yet because I've been six in the queue for about three and a half hours

and I'm not waiting any longer, but I'm getting my coil removed. I've decided, guys, it's going. It's going. There it is. I can it. Boing, boing it's just a, I don't know if it is a side effect of whether I'm just depressed, but honestly it's just making us down and I just feel like this is not, I'm not, dunno, never been depressed in my life. So you were, you used to be, you used to be once a month you were fiery and angry. Yes. Really, really quite hard work. Yeah, quite hard work. Just for a little bit of time. But now, it's like it's spread it across the month and it's dulled it down.

So, you're just a little bit subdued. I don't like this. I like to be fiery and angry. I haven't been genuinely screamed at by you for quite some time now. Well... Look forward to getting that back. Buckle up, but I cook. Come on. Woo hoo.

No, I just feel like no. Very exciting. Which means, which brings us to our next topic. Yeah. Ramsey. Yeah, gotta phone that guy up again, haven't I? Snip, snip, snip, yeah, you need to get it done. Regular listeners of the podcast will know

that I phoned up a place to get the vasectomy. I phoned up and booked it and then had to cancel it for work genuinely three times. Same, spoke to the same guy every single time. And by the end, the thing I said to him the last time I canceled it was, I'm not scared, you know, mate. I'm not scared.

Why don't you book it now? Why don't you book it now? Literally book it now on the podcast. I know I'm on C. Come on, I wanna hear, I wanna see. Phone's on fight mode. No, come on, I wanna see if you remember. How are you?

Phone's on fight mode. Come on, Chris. No, I'm not doing that. Right, in the No, come on, I wanna see if you remember. Howie, come on. Phone's on flight mode. Chris. No, I'm not doing that. Right, in the main body of the podcast, we are calling and you are booking your vasectomy because I am sick of this. We'll be about the dates and that and where it is so people won't know.

Oh, in case I get a crowd of well-wishers. Hey, listen. You can do it, Chris. Stranger things have happened. Go on, Chris. Okay. Get the snip, go Go on Chris, get the snip, go on Chris, get the snip. Stick around after the break and hear Chris book his vasectomy. It's happening. Please look me in the eyes and tell me you're gonna

book it. I will book it. Today, after this, after the jingle, you're booking. You are fucking booking your vasectomy on this podcast or do you know what it is? It'll never happen. Right. It'll never happen. I'm getting, I'm not having any hormones anymore. I've got a stiff neck. I can't hold a form where I've got a stiff neck. Chrissy ringing. Right. Do your little sponsor. Little sponsor. Stupid. Alright then, well because you've been such a dick, my sponsor's gonna really, I'm gonna really enjoy my sponsor this week. Good. Guys, it is episode 304. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being part of this wacky wacky world of ours. And without further ado, it's time for this week Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being part of this wacky, wacky world of ours.

And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor, guys, guys, get ready for this. Get on board. This week's sponsor is the ultimate argument winner, the ultimate settler, the ultimate leveler of the playing field in your marriage. This week's sponsor is my brand new phrase. I haven't been out this year. There it is.

Oh, God! There it is. Last time I went out for an alcoholic beverage with my friends and had a night away, it was December. Last, last year. 29. Last year. Last year. I, Chris Ramsey, of Soundstate in mind, have never been out this year. I haven't been out this year. You were out the other night, Rosie.

Oh, I've been out this year. I've been out this year twice. Stop you right there because I haven't been out this year. Yeah, great. Oh, it's great. Do you know what? Can we just clarify here? Nobody has stopped you from going out. Yeah, but I've never been out. But why would it be an argument clarify here? Nobody has stopped you from going out. Yeah, but I've never been out. But why would it be an argument thing? I've not stopped you from going out.

Yeah, but I've never been out this year. Well, I'm not arguing the fact with you. That's not right either, is it? Because I haven't been out this year. Good, you go out too much. I haven't been out this year. Glad to have you. 2025.

Kids don't recognise you. The year of being in the house. Oh, don't say do not. Oh, shit, yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know doing that again No, but I know out on a night out in the pubs. No, not this guy Not this year. Hey, I mean out this year. What's the date? Hmm 28th actually got actually seemed longer Gonna be honest with you seems because what was June it was June. Yeah, why? Why? Why? Genuinely, hand on heart, so I can say I haven't been out this year. Hang on! What? We went out. Together doesn't count. Oh, it does. It's still a night out. No, no, no. We were out on Saturday.

Yeah, together doesn't count. On your own with your mates? Yeah, on your own with your mates. Yeah, and leaving your other half in the house. Well, okay, you have had the opportunity, it's just because your friends were watching football and you don't like football so you don't want to go. Yeah just got to have me that was here just just no. Alright great. Good guy, good dad. Have you been out this year? I had loads. Ah. Got a social life mate got them friends to catch up with. Genuinely better feeling you know how they say like nothing feels as good as not not was it nothing tastes as good as thin feels no night out is as good as being able to look your wife in the eye and say I haven't been out this year

good good for you I'm dead happy for you about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Hello, welcome back to this week's episode of Chris is gonna book his vasectomy. Honestly thought you might have forgot.

Get your phone out. It's not happening. Get your phone out. Give them a call. Let's just see. Please, please. Yes. You're getting it done.

I am not, we're not using condoms anymore and I'm not having hormones in my body. I'm 38 years old. I wanna be clean, cleansed. And you know what it is? I'm not gonna, do I miss bleeding? I don't. No, but it feels good to get it out. When you've been doing it, I'm not gonna... Do I miss bleeding? I don't. Oh my God!

No, but it feels good to get it out. Yeah. When you've been doing... I've been doing this since I was 14. It feels good to get it out. Not doing it anymore, not bleeding anymore. I haven't missed like waking up in the middle of the night having to change a tampon, but I have missed a good like... Oh, it's cathartic. Come on. What's his name?

Eh? What's his name? It's just some guy. It on. What's his name? Eh? What's his name? Just some guy. What's the man's name? It's Dave, just his garage. Come on. That's the man's name. Get it wrong. I don't know. I'll have to get it all. Oh gosh. We should have done this in the break bit.

I don't... Daisy can snip around. She's very talented. Don't say snip, I'm triggered. Snip around, oh my God. Don't say snip, I'm triggered. How are you? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Well done. I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

Are you happy? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Good, well done. No, you have to get it done. Okay. Do you want any more children?

Do you genuinely want any more kids? No, but I want you to shoulder the burden of not being able to have them. I don't want to have to do stuff that involves getting hurt. It's the grossest thing you've ever said. But well done, can't wait. So exciting. Really not looking forward to the recovery time of it though I'm that is something I'm already dreading. Tell you what, can I just have a little one moment of privacy please?

Yeah of course. Yeah, can you just turn away? Yeah? Hey Siri? Sir, to do in the diary for tomorrow cancel the second one. To do is scheduled for tomorrow. It's on your tour warm up calendar. There it is, thank you. Yeah great. By the way speaking of Siri right sorry don't want to say Adam and Kirsty laughing. Adam and Siri talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone.

Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Adam and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone.

Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone.

Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone.

Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone.

Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone. Kirsty and Kirsty talking on the phone the girl actually. So, I went to him, you know when you go, Hi, Siri, and you go, and he just went like, flip me like, uh-huh. Adam's Dad Yeah. Kirsty I just don't like it. I'm just like, who are you? Who are you talking to? Adam's Dad I understand. So, he gives it the uh-huh's. Sometimes he gives it the uh-huh's. I get really

irritated when I'm in the car because sometimes he gives it the uh-huh's halfway through you've started saying something. Kirsty Oh, it's so patronising. Adam's Dad Yeah, I'll be Siri. You ask me to ask us to sort of ring someone, right? Kirsty Right. Hi, hi Siri can you call? Uh huh. It's really hurting. It does it just as I started it's so annoying. I just don't I didn't I really didn't like the nonchalant yeah the the aggressive not aggressive the tone. Yours is more mental over there by the way. Well hey Siri you can fuck off with your uh huh. Wow. To what? To what? Wow. I didn't even have that set up.

I apologize and I say thank you to my Siri all the time and when the robots... Who do I call? I don't want to call anyone. When the robots take over, they'll remember, everyone remember that she just was really nasty to Siri there. I say thank you to mine and everything. I don't want to call. Cancel. Cancel. Siri, cancel. Just say cancel. I bet you would. Fucking bellows. I hope we all are listening. I need to get rid of it. I hope all the robots are listening. You, you're for the chop. Not the same way as me. A different way. I've told you. Let me die in an apocalypse and let me also die if the robots take over.

Let me die. Let me die peacefully. Good for you. You'll get on with them lovely. No, what I'm gonna do is, this, this, because you don't, you know, you didn't let us get that over with a camera in it. You don't like anything technology. No. This is what I'm gonna do.

This is the long game that I'm playing to fuck you right up for me. Right. To get me diddler chopped off, right? Great. You are gonna die in the robot apocalypse, but I'm gonna keep your brain in your heart and I'm gonna get the robots to put you into a robot

and then you're gonna be a robot. They're gonna rethink you as a robot. You're gonna be gutted. I would overcome it. I'd have flashbacks. There would be a full film of like. They've already done it. It's called Robocop.

Well, that would be me. Yeah. I would be Robocop. You'd go full Robocop. I'd go full Robocop. I'd be like, we used to read magazines. And like. Oh, cause magazines are extinct.

Is that it now? Robots aren't reading magazines. We've all got iPads. No, I magazines are extinct. Is that it now? Robots aren't reading magazines, they've all got iPads. No, I'd just be like, we used to have to get up to change the television. Do you remember having to get up? Do you remember? No remote controls. No, we also had remote controls. Oh, me and Robin had a right laugh last night while chatting about, because on Sunday he had the most bored day of his life, didn't he? Because we just didn't let him. From one o'clock in the afternoon, I was like it's happening no nothing no switches no no computers no nothing you just got to be a nine-year-old and he cried from it was horrible so he lay there well he was

so bored he lay there wailing wailing at the sky yeah and then me and rave joined in the wailing yeah and weirdly um it made us the wailing made me bored and sad as well yeah yeah it's a bad day I didn't imagine it. Just had a right laugh at how they used to literally be four channels. Yeah! He was like four channels. And nothing else. Yeah! And I've told him this before, he can't remember.

He can't remember our first house. Do you know that? Really? He cannot. I was showing him pictures last night. He has no recollection of that house. Oh my God! Why do we decorate kids' bedrooms? What is the point? Do you know when everyone does a nursery and they're like, honestly don't bother. Don't bother. They remember. Nothing. He lived there. Plaster, no carpets. No. He lived there till he was five. Has no memory of that house at all. Wow. What a dick. I know, so ungrateful. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. So just in the interim there while we had the podcast paused and I was exporting the

files because I'm a nerd, Rosie turned around and said don't get you for setting me down on a Wednesday because I've got my singing club on a Wednesday night. Mm-hmm. Unbelievable. What's wrong with that? Just like you want it done but it's got to be arranged around you. Just not on a Wednesday because you're gonna, you'll have to go to bed. You do have to rest for like a day or two. Say that again? You do have to rest for a day or two so please do it on a day when both the kids are at school and I'm not busy. Can I just chill out like I can just... I will look after you.

Can I? I'm not...can you? Can you get one done twice? Am I that horrible? Am I that horrible? Am I that horrible that you genuinely think that I wouldn't look after you? Don't even... I haven't been out this year, so take of that what you will. Make of that what you will. You're horrible, honestly. If I wouldn't look after you. Oh wow!

So, I'll get...oh God! Yeah, I will look after you. Just get it done. I'll tell you what, I'll get done in the school holidays. No, absolutely not. On a weekend. I hope...how many people have died from them? How many people? Let's have a look at the statistics. How many people have died from...

How do you spell vasectomies? V-E-S V-A? Yeah. Va? Vasectomy. Oh, okay. Let's have a look. How many people have died from vasectomy? How many people have died from a vasectomy? Oh, one. One? One. What happened

to them? I shouldn't laugh. There's been one recorded death caused by vasectomy. A 32-year-old male without any significant medical history had an eventful vasectomy, a 32 year old male without any significant medical history had an eventful vasectomy performed in the Netherlands. Oh they're dead clever over there as well. Risks are very few, it's a very, maybe you don't need any rest at all, there's literally the mortality rate is practically zero. Don't take a whimmy rest, don't not take a whimmy rest. This is fucking pathetic, honestly. Pathetic. Oh, no. Okay.

If more people had died from it, then I would be more worried, but honestly, that's... I mean, rest in peace to the man who died of it, but gosh, wow, what a way to go. Just the one though. 32. A bit younger than me, fit and healthy. Whole life ahead of him, living in the Netherlands, lovely place. Chilled out. Yeah. Oh God! This is it. So, this might be my last podcast, so... Oh no, we got one next week. Yeah! You'll be fine.

Speaking of Grimm, the world record was broken at the weekend for the most men slept within 24 hours. Are we talking about that? No, I don't really want to talk about it and I don't really want to pile in and the people who are having a go at the lady who did it and the men who did it. I don't really want to do all of that. All I can say is I've seen clips and stuff and I've looked at it a bit on social media. Well, I talked about it donkeys ago, do you remember?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if it was in, but yeah, I checked about that. Highlights for me are there's another porn star coming out and kicking off that it's not a verified number. So, she's claiming that it's not a world record. A guy's... Did Guinness World Record turn up? It was hard enough for us to get them to come to the O2 for our podcast.

So, if they turned up to that, I'll be fucking furious. You have to pay them. Yeah, you gotta pay them to turn up. Did the men pay like an entry fee? I think they get a free ticket when they came to our podcast to that and you've got to pay them. No, man. I'm talking about the guys who did this. Adam's Dad If I had a thousand guys lined up, if I was organizing a thousand guys to line up and have sex with someone, I would probably walk up and down the queue with a collection book just for a local charity, just to...

just to sort of level some of the karma out. Kirsty Yeah. Adam's Dad I mean, listen, right, each to their own. We always say this, do what you want, do what you want. But I reserve the right to take the piss out of it. Yeah, well, I don't know. I'm not gonna shame or hate anyone on it. No, but... Listen, all I'm saying is, right...

25 is young, isn't it? My life has changed significantly from when I was 25. Yeah. Well, the other person who did it, the other porn star who did it in 2004 at the third annual World Gangbang Championships in Poland. Oh, we missed that? That person said that it's the only thing she regrets in her entire career. What, doing it? Doing that. Oh really? And I, like, I've done DVD sign-ins. Gee, I thought you were gonna say something else. I've done meet and greets. Yeah. They're a bit awkward. We've done DVD sign-ins. I've done... I thought you were going to say something else then. I've done meet and greets. Yeah. They're a bit awkward.

We've done the book sign-in. Lovely to see everyone. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it is a bit like an expert. Hello and how... Oh, it must be like the worst meet and greet in the world. And I've seen the clips in the videos. One guy who got pulled out by his mom.

Absolutely hilarious. Good. I don't know how his mom saw it. She must have seen it on social media. I would have done exactly the same. So he must have put it on his Snapchat and she turned up and was like, get the fuck out of here. Absolutely.

Absolutely awesome, what a legend she is. I just looked at the footage of the last go and we're all here and we're all ready and it was just loads of blokes in like black jackets and like barclavs. They are all horrible men. If you went in that queue to, even though she is very willing participant I've got no doubt and she can do what she wants with her body, but I just I

See for me, it's not about the act itself I'm not gonna shame any of the act of it what they were doing, but I can't imagine the small talk in the queue I can't imagine the smell the smell would knock me knock me. It's not being disgusting or thousand cheesy bellends Absolutely not I would I would die I would literally Walk in and want to die death by a thousand cheesy cheesy knobs cheesy popcorn horrible sugar puff piss Violent horrible because it's I can smell everything smell it now. It was so you're telling me that you're telling me they are upstanding clean men? Rosie, they didn't take their jackets or balaclavas off, I'm telling you.

It was in someone's house, which I mean, if that had happened in my house, if I rented my house out for that, you'd need a priest round the next day just to exercise the place. But this is my point, right? And I just, I would love to stand outside the house while it's happening,

because look at all of them in their bomber jackets and their balaclavas. The fucking parking spaces for electric scooters must have been taken. There must have been fucking hundreds of electric scooters outside that place. I guarantee it. Did they use protection? Yeah, they all had to put condom on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One condom, the shade, it's massive. I'm joking. Oh, I mean, yeah, I don't know. Right, this is a totally different sort of topic, but I suppose it's in with the same thing because like you say, do what you want. No one's getting hurt. Everyone is consensual. Apparently, she's in a right state, but that was up to her. But apparently, she's in a right state.

Oh, I had sex once for half an hour and honestly, I was just...so, just no. Absolutely not. It was a long time ago, wasn't it? It was just... Just...so...just no. Absolutely not. It was a long time ago, wasn't it? It was just... Adam's Dad We've done longer than half an hour drunk. Drunk we have. Kirsty Never enjoyed the class. Really sorry. Adam's Dad Are you done yet? Kirsty Yeah, just no.

Adam's Dad Are you done yet? Kirsty No, not pleasurable. Sorry, we see it all the time for the younger generation. I just want to make sex nice again. Yeah. I want to...do you remember the film when he literally makes an orgasm with a feather? There's a film. It's a film. It's like, it's not 10 Things I Hate About You. It's a...I can't remember what the film is.

It's like a rom-com film. It's not like a porn film or anything. But you know when you just like make it nice again? Because sex is mint yeah but it's just like why has everything got to be like spitting and minging and fingering and fucking all this shit and like oh god like a thousand blokes. Like bring back let's make sex nice again please. Guys if you're listening out there gentlemen write a nice beautiful love letter with a quill, with a feathered quill. Keep that feathered quill. Make a Jizz on the quill. Why are you making it horrible again? Make it nice. But like massages, what happened

to that? Do you know what I mean? Massages with like oil or like, I don't know, just like, just nice things rather than disgusting. Like these kids are watching all these things on like TikTok and stuff, of blokes lining up to shag a lass. And it's just- Again, can I just say, frightening how easily they found a thousand blokes who were up for it.

If that was the other way around, if it was a bloke going, I'm gonna shag a thousand women applications, please. I reckon you get five or six. Not even that. Yeah. Not even that. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. It's just, it makes it really, really sad. Yeah. Really sad. Bring romance back. Romance, feathers, candles.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. I could not think of anything worse. There's not enough money. There's not enough money you could pay a mate to have sex with a thousand men. In 24 hours. Name a number.

I think it was 12 hours. Name a number. A trillion pound. Nah. Wow. Nah. Two trillion pound. Nah. Three trillion pound. No. Wow. No. Two trillion pound. No.

Three trillion pound. No. Four trillion pound. No. I just couldn't. I just couldn't think of anything worse. Five trillion pound. No. I think I just lie there crying. Six trillion pound. Nope.

There's no money. There's no money. Okay. One more shot. One more shot. 50 quid. See, it's more time. One more shot. One more shot. 50 quid brings the story to you, live. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canada.

This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. Download the free CBC News app or visit cbcnews.ca. Paradise is an all-new series set in a serene community inhabited by some of the world's most prominent individuals. But this tranquility explodes when a shocking murder occurs and a high-stakes investigation unfolds.

Starring Sterling K. Brown, James Martin, and Julianne Nicholson, Paradise is now streaming only on Disney+. At Algoma University, your future has no limits. Here, you can go further, in the classroom, in the field, and well beyond. We provide personalized education, cultural fluency, and training for in-demand careers. We don't just prepare you for the future,

we prepare you to change it. Plus, Algoma has the most affordable tuition in Ontario. Make the most of your university experience. Go further. Apply to Algoma University today. What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef I think I can see where this is going. What have you been up to? Well, you're not going to believe this. Our Barry, he went to that thing, you know. What thing is this? He went to that shag-a-thon.

That shag-a-thon with that last 30,000 lads. I think it was 1057. Yes, no he went and you'll never realise what he did. What did he do? He forgot his condom. Honestly, how? That kid. So I had to get three buses.

And I went to Barry and his friends were there from the club and they were dead. Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely bunch of lads. So nice, so respectful, thoughtful, nice lads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got to work all themselves. 80 kids between them. That's how many kids they've got? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

80. That's only three of them. Lovely bunch of lads. Went to school together. Fertile. Fertile lads. So three buses. We had a lovely, getting a good laugh on the bus because I'd seen a couple of the other moms

whose kids were there and it was just lovely, lovely catching up and we thought, you know what? I'm just trapped here, they're getting laid. So I'd got a multi-pack from the one-stop and took them up. But we had to, you know, we had to, one of the lads had a hammer thankfully because I put them in these boxes now! Put them in these, in the shops!

The plastic, right? In the boxes! So you stole them from the shop? Well, you... You... You nicked them? Do not insinuate things like that. Why was it still in the box then?

Why was it still in the plastic box? Sorry? Why was it still in the plastic box? Sorry? Why was it still in the plastic box when you got that? So we took the condoms and I said, Barry, you silly, silly boy, there you are. Right. And he said, Mom, it's too big. I said, listen, just hold it on you fucking stupid prick so let's see and how are you I was alright till this yeah stiff neck good were you there no wasn't there no no no no you're ros He'll never let you do that. What you're a friggin' bitch then, she is there. Coward! God, what a fucking...

What a stupid bitch. What a bitch. I hate her, me. Right. Okay, I'll see you. I better go. No, come on. Let's keep talking about her. No, honestly, I've gotta go. I'll see you later, son. Alright, bye. Bye. Bye.

Hold it on was... Well... Well... Hold it on. Hold it on was very good. Just on that. I knew he'd be there. Dirty bastard. Molten Warboss has to take his condom, he forgot. Great work. Absolutely great work.

Oh gosh. Well done. Still talking about it again. You can't not, man. I'll wait. I'll wait. If we didn't, people would be like, have they not seen the fucking news? I know, true, true. It's very fitting, very fitting to this podcast. Anyway, right, beefs. Beef time. Do you want to go first?

I will. So if you're new at the podcast, okay, Chris and I are married, but we're currently just kind of sleeping in separate beds because just life anyway. Kids. All that kind of shit. it'll come back one day and although we did sleep in the same bed the other night and I've got a bad neck so I think that's the sign karma yeah yeah and you snowed and you woke up so actually you can absolutely did no you did I woke up right I woke up at about five o'clock in the morning wide awake I was really annoyed and I was lying there, awake, wide awake, wide awake. Oh yeah, alright.

And you, while I was awake, you woke up and went, Chris? And I went, yeah? And you went, you woke us up! And I went, have I? What was I doing? Because you woke us up before that, I couldn't get back to sleep. And you went, snoring! No!

I woke up before you! Oh sorry, are you telling me that I just imagined a snore noise? Yeah, 100%. You can fuck off. I was la- listen to this, I've never experienced anything like it. I was lying there, fully awake, and you, from your slumber, woke up from into silence and claimed I'd been snoring. I've never, I've never known anything like it.

I won't have it. I've forgotten about this. It was unbelievable. Can I do my beef? Can't plead the fifth in this country, yeah? You're watching this. Can you not? We don't have amendments.

It's the fifth amendment is the right to say fuck all when you're getting interrogated. There's no plead the fifth in this country. You can do it but it's not called plead the fifth. What's it called? It's just called no reply. Okay, no comment. Yeah, no reply, no comment. Yeah, yeah. Oh my, that's embarrassing. Genuinely, if I ever got arrested I'd be like, I plead the fifth. Yeah. And would the laugh at us? They say that that's not a thing they would literally it would it would go on record that you're so stupid that you said plead the fifth of great yeah yeah yeah I never knew that yeah it's just called no no reply or no comment yeah I don't know what amendments are I don't know great and it will get into that

separately or I don't know listen you went you went downstairs last night, you literally said to me, night night I'm going to bed, love you, blah de blah. And I went, okay, I'll see you later. So, I was in bed getting ready to go to sleep and then all I heard from that, I heard loads of noise downstairs and I was like, what the fuck? Because I genuinely thought you're going to bed and I heard loads of clattering and I was like, Jesus Christ, I was like, we're being burgled. Then all of a sudden I heard,, mmm, mmm, no, mmm, no, mmm, mmm, mmm, ahh. I was thinking, who the fuck is talking downstairs? Like something is happening.

And so... I did have my phone, I did have my phone with me. You didn't have your phone because I had text you. I text you saying, are you downstairs? And you didn't reply, so I was like, this is it. This is when I'm locking myself in the cupboard and and I went downstairs better my this was like 11 o'clock and I was like and you were coming up the stairs I was like what have you been doing it sound it sounded really I was like who are you talking to someone

and do you want to tell everyone what you were doing and why you were making so much noise and why and just explain I don't understand why you do this okay crack on. I was eating an omelette. Yes, a one egg omelette which I find really sad. It's fucking lush. A one egg omelette is amazing. Just... Nice and thin, takes two seconds to cook. Eleven o'clock? It was about quarter past ten.

Wasn't eleven o'clock. It was about quarter...oh no, it was about half past ten. Oh that's good, I thought I'd gone to bed a bit later. Okay then, it's about half past ten. Right. PM. Omelette time. Yeah. Yeah, I'd been in the sauna suit

and I went downstairs after I went upstairs and tore everything out, I went downstairs to take me washing out of the washing machine and hang it up. And even though I put it on the 15 minute cycle, for some reason sometimes it takes about 20 minutes. Do we have a 15 minute cycle? Are you taking the piss?

Are you actually taking the piss? Yes, we do have a 15 minute cycle. But I sometimes, sometimes I think it takes about 20 minutes. Do we have a 15-minute cycle? Are you taking the piss? Are you actually taking the piss? No. Yes, we do have a 15-minute cycle, but I sometimes... Sometimes I think it takes a while to drain depending on what clothes you've got in. Boring. Yeah, put on the 30-minute cycle and press extra touch and it takes it down to 15 minutes on the rapid option. Yeah. Are you...

Are you winding me up? Are you joking? No, I didn't know that. We've had... Are you shitting me? The 15-minute cycle on that washing machine. Yeah. Fuck my life. I didn't know that. How much time you joking? No, I didn't know that. Are you shitting me? You're 15 minutes out on that washing machine. Yeah. Fuck my life. I didn't know that. How much time you wasted? Hours. Hours? I did the washing. Days? Would it be up to days do you think? Possibly days. So, the half an hour, I thought

the half an hour was the quickest. No, you just press rapid. God, the amount of time me and my mum have slagged that washing machine. We literally like this as a shit that this washing machine in the world doesn't do faster than half an hour. Right, good to know. Again, I stress that you and your mom just ball through life in a mad fucking dash to go and sit and have a coffee and talk shit. And you don't stop to read instructions

or take a moment to work out how to use anything. Which is why I'm turning you into a robot with no instruction manual and you won't even know how to piss out your own fucking robot fanny. Oh don't give us a fanny. No you've got to have a fanny. No let me have a dick. Let me have a dick. I don't want a fanny. Don't want a fanny. They're really hard. Do you ever get shit in your fanny? You just get straight away. But this is all close together. Like actually, honestly, you've got no idea. You go for a poo. You don't have

to think, oh be very careful not to get shit in your fanny because you'll get a urine infection. Like they're really close. There's this much between my arsehole and my vagina. So, it's an art and I don't I don't want to have to think about it anymore very rarely am I speechless very rarely do I have almost zero comment for something do not give me a fanny I want I want a dick no you get please you get your robot fight is gonna be a USB drive it's gonna be USB stick USB hole you're USB C to me USB stick, USB hole, USB-C. It's gonna be USB-C, little tiny little USB-C. Great.

So yeah, sorry, so I made my omelette. Yeah. So I stayed downstairs, I made my omelette. I was waiting for the, sorry, I was waiting for the washing machine to finish. Did you get to the sound effect? What was with the sound effect? Sorry, so I was waiting for the washing machine to finish.

Okay, so then I thought, right, I've got a couple of minutes. My one egg omelette is the quickest thing you can possibly make. One egg in a cup, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, high in the hot pan with a bit of butter, cheese in almost immediately follows it straight in, folded, folded, turn it done. Right. Even quicker to eat. It's like eating a fucking napkin. Ha ha, gone. Um, I was going, um, um, on your own. Um, well to let you behind the curtain here. And I didn't know, I knew you were going you behind the curtain here and I didn't know I knew you're gonna bring this up today and I didn't know whether I tell you this

or not but I think I will tell you and if I'm ever doing that and you can't quizzes on what it is promise now you can't quizzes on what it is promise you can't quizzes you've got to promise you can't quizzes on what it is what it is you're crossing your fingers I can see you crossing your fingers I'll cancel that for set me right now I'll cancel it I'll never have sex with you again good I don't need to set me then. How many days? We're all doing well. Don't you can't quizzes on what it is. You can't ask us specifically what it is. Right. Okay. Right. If I'm ever making a noise

like that when I'm eating, I'm normally thinking of something embarrassing I've done and I'm trying to get the thought out of my head. Like seriously, is that actually what that is? So it's mmm mmm and it's just to get rid of it. You know you've got OCD, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. But so if I was mm-hmm. All right. But I'm trying to force. So that's what that was?

Yeah. That was you getting an embarrassing thought out of your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking of something embarrassing I'd done. Yeah, and I was getting it out of my head. So I used to have a routine about a way, I'd say, one of the first routines I ever wrote,

I'd say, you ever have that thing where you're in the shower, and you literally just find me going like, na-na-da-da-da-da. I don't, I don't. Someone goes, what? The other half will go, what? And you go, sorry, and I was just find him and you go like na na da da da da. I don't. Someone goes what? The other half will go what? You go sorry I was just getting a horrifying thought out my head but then years later I watched Bill Burr do stand-up and Bill Burr did the same. Alright. Not that he stole it, he'd never seen us do stand-up but sometimes when you're a younger comedian starting out you write

something and you go that's a really good bit and then you see another comedian do it on tellyism and you go oh well that's gone like he got. And then you see another comedian do it on tellyism and you go, oh, well, that's gone. Like he got there first, so you'd never do it again. But it's still a thought I had and it's still a valid point. But yeah, sometimes if I'm eating and I go, mm, mm, something popped in my head and I'm getting the thought out. That's a cancellation. No, it's just to stop thinking about it. That's obsessive compulsive disorder.

No, it's just to stop thinking about it. It's thinking about the thing and then you do an action to cancel out that thing. No, I do it, no, I used to distract myself from it. Okay. It's involuntary. It's just, the thing and then you do an action to cancel out that thing. No, I do it not. I used to distract myself from it. Okay. It's involuntary. It's just, oh, get away. Okay. Oh my God, that happened. But I hide it instead of going, oh my God, that happened. I go, mmm.

Mm-hmm. Okay, whatever makes you feel better. It does make me feel better. Okay, good. I'll tell you what. Well, here's me thinking you're just enjoying whatever you're eating. Yeah. But there you go.

No, I'm just thinking it's wrong. Good. It's a nice omelette. Yeah. Now listen. I'm starving, by the way. Good. Now listen. I'm starving by the way. Good. Now listen. Here is my beef with you.

Oh, you're not eating my beef? Here is my beef with you. You cannot buy bananas in the correct way. And it's really starting to stress us out. When you go to the shop and we haven't got bananas in, I know that what you're going to bring back is essentially going to be a bunch of long apples. A bunch of long green apples.

No, I try my best to get the yellow ones. I do. That's still wrong. Right. Rosie, pop the shop now, get some bananas. Describe to me what you've just brought back. I've given you the money. I don't know how much they are. 40 quid for a bunch of something? I don't know. 40, 50 quid. There you go. Bring them out. I'm joking. That is a joke on when they say politicians don't know how much a pint of milk is, that's what that joke was.

I know, but it's just a joke. But I have to explain it, otherwise the odd idiot will go, he thought bananas were 50 quid. And I'll see them in the shop and they'll see it. And I'll forget I've made that joke and they'll see it. So anyway, you go into the shop, you come back. I've asked for some bananas, what you brought back? Bananas. What was it, how many, what you brought back? Bananas.

What was it, how many other? Like a bunch of six. Wrong, what color are they? Yellowy green. Wrong. Wrong. Right. I'll tell you how to buy bananas.

Right. Go to the shop. Great. Find some greenish, greenish yellow and find some ripe ones. Buy both bunches of bananas. Mm-hmm. Okay? Mm-hmm.

Me and Rafe will chow our way through that first bunch, and by the time that first bunch is finished, that second bunch will be perfectly ripe as the first bunch were. Okay, great. Right, brilliant. You're doing it wrong. They can't be too ripe, but they can't be too green. And they need to be both ripe. Do you know what, Geoff?

Fuck it, the privilege of you. The absolute privilege of you. Go and buy your own fucking bananas. I've got enough shit to do. Why am I getting schooled on how to buy your bananas? Because you don't know how to buy bananas. Well, there's loads of stuff you don't do, probably, while I'm sitting here. Yeah, you do in this section normally, yeah.

Like what? In this section. So, have you forgot what this is? Why are you suddenly having a beef with me on this recorded medium? Because it's the part of the podcast where we slag each other off for stuff. No I'm not having this like. Lunatic? I'm not having it. Alright okay so but I cannot be honest I don't care enough to get into it properly but yeah okay I'll buy you I'll buy you.

So how many bananas do you need? How many bananas do you want? Two lots. You need ones to eat now and you need ones to ripen up. Great. That's what you need. What a stupid system. Yeah, well, works. In Rafe's defence, he eats them whatever.

Yeah, I've seen him eat super ripe bananas, it's disgusting. Yeah, jaw muscles. He's got jaw muscles like a fucking shark. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for Questions from the Public! Questions from the Public! Public! Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Thank you for still being here. Thank you very much. Good to have you around. I teach in an inner city London secondary school. Recent gems from students include me, write down anything you know about Frankenstein, year seven student talking to my friends, I know loads about them.

There were three kings in the broad gold of Frankenstein and me. I enjoyed that one. That's actually, that's brilliant. and it's actually a joke on bottom. Oh is it? On the bottom of the door, Christmas bottom and someone comes in a Frankenstein mask and someone has some aftershave called Gurr. Brilliant.

And something is like, what's the gold? I can't remember what the gold is but Rick Mill is like, gold, Frankenstein and Gurr. And he thinks he's Jesus. So good. Very good. Also, my sister's friend teaches in the Northeast in a secondary school. When new to the school, she asked management if she could shorten her name as her surname is Hookah.

Oh God, no. It's like, I'm sorry. Like if my surname was Hookah, the first thing when my kids were little, I'd say, what do you want to be when you grow up? Can't be a teacher, by the way. Just letting you know you? Can't be a teacher by the way. Yeah, just like not with that name. The school agreed as she was worried about connotations of prostitution etc. Which it would be yeah She introduced herself to the class as Mrs. Hook immediately a year nine boy called out. Come on call your captain Can it win, can it? Call your captain! Back to hookah, back to hookah. You can't win.

Oh God! Erm, hello! Listening to how Chris was horrified at Rosie allowing Rafe to wipe his nose on a mistrunched bulljumper made me think of a trip to the park with my 4 year old last week. She needed a wild wee. Happy days. I didn't have any tissues on me and she didn't want wet niggas. Like putting them back on.

I went for the only option I could think of and allowed her to wipe on my knee of my clean jeans. God! The things you do for your kids. The things you do for your kids. I told you the idea when we have sneezed and I was on the way, I was on the school and I literally just picked the snot on the floor and just flipped it on the floor. Oh yeah, well this is where it's come from. This is what we're talking about. I thought this is what mums just have to do. My husband thought I was disgusting when I arrived home and told him why I needed to get changed. Is this worse than a snotty sleeve? Yes, much worse.

No, I know, but you would. I'm not being...we haven't got little girls. So well, well, it's much worse as in going, oh yeah, there's piss on my leg rather than the snot on my fingers, but it had to be done because you want your child to be with you. It had to be done. You can't let that have a little uncomfortable little winging and niggas. I get it. I do it. I get it. But it's just the things you do is fucking hell.

I mean yeah it's grim isn't it? Yeah. I remember a mate of mine, comedian Jimmy McGee, who I used to go do the Edinburgh Fringe with him and stuff. I was always quite particular and we shared flats in Edinburgh. He hid it well but I think I was a bit of a nightmare. I liked things quite clean and I was quite bad. You?

I'm a lot better. Your version of me now is so much better and I remember the first time he came to ours and he stayed and Robin was only a baby and he said well I remember I was lying there on the living room floor and he was just sitting there with a cup of tea or whatever and I had Robin held above us and some slather literally fell off Robin's face off his mouth and just landed on your face and I just didn't react and just wiped it off and Jimmy McGee was like, that was the moment I knew you'd changed and you were fully your dad. He's like, because like any drool went anywhere near you, you'd have went, but you just, when you've got kids, you just change. Oh yeah, of course. And you do anything for your kids. So you would not want your little

girl to be uncomfortable. So you're like, yeah, wipe your pissy fanny on me knee. You wouldn't be like, get your pants off and wipe it on your pants. Although sometimes if Rafe's got snot and I'm got, if I know I'm not, I knew I was going straight home. Sometimes what I'll do is, I should have been telling you. Bottom of his drummer, bottom of his drummer.

That's what I do. Oh the trousers. Inside of the trousers. So I pull the cuff on his trousers and I put my fingers up where he's like sock is and rub it on the inside of his pants. Oh, you mean from that what you've had on you. I thought you meant you were wiping his nose with the bottom of his trousers. I was like, Jesus, he's not that flexible.

Oh yeah, he's got a bad back, by the way. He's pulled the muscle in his back. We're taking him to baby yoga. Christ. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Chris and Rosie. We were just listening to episode 303 about what outfit you want to be buried in. And my husband came up with a great idea.

Adam's Dad- Ooh! Kirsty- I do think this is quite funny. He said that if he knew he was gonna die, then the day before he'd eat loads of popcorn kernels. So that when he was cremated, the popcorn kernels would start popping and give everyone a laugh or a fright. Adam's Dad- Absolutely stupid. Kirsty- I would do that. Adam's Dad- Wouldn't work. Why?

Well, you get cremated the day you die. You die and they immediately take you straight to the place to get cremated, do they? Yeah, okay, but do they not, do your stomach not stay? Empty everything out. They empty everything out? They take everything out.

Yeah. Do they? They embalm you and everything. Even your stomach gets emptied? Yeah, so what he needs to do, if he really wants his joke to work, what he needs to do is he needs to wait for a relative to die. He needs to go to the chapel of rest the night before the cremation with a bag of popcorn kernels and a scalpel.

And he needs to view the body and he needs to cut the body open and he needs to put the popcorn kernels inside the body. Right. And then the next day he can have a right laugh. And I think that works better because he gets to enjoy his joke then as well. Why, okay, okay. Do you want, have you made a full decision of what you want to be?

Cremated or buried? I thought he meant when I grow up. Um, I wanna be. No, how do you wanna die? Uh, not bad. Again, stuffed and mounted on the mantle would be perfect, if you don't mind. Okay. Yeah, that would be good.

Just standing there. Awful. Just watching over everyone. No. Just don't hang clothes on us. Why do you wear your hand coat on us and stuff? You know I would. You know I would.

Yeah, yeah. No, we'll get you... Christmas decorations. You can put lights on us. Like a tree. Yeah, yeah. Christmas tree. There it is.

The Christmas tree. I'd have you as a rug. With your head like stuck up like the base. I'd have you as a nice rug and you'd be outstretched. Yeah. Your neck wouldn't hurt anymore. I would have you as a little rug, little skin. Isn't it funny that we don't do stuff like that? No! No, I don't know. I don't know why loads of stuff's become normalized.

Like loads of random mad shit has become normalized. Why can't we when we die just keep people's skin and why? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. Other countries do. Do they? I think, do they? I don't know.

You just plucked that out of the air, didn't you? Made it up. You just plucked that out of the air. I'm sure in other countries they might do it there. I'll pick one. Yeah. Why don't you get your body thinking to science? Donated to science? Yeah.

Well, you'll get me a robot and I will be a computer virus and I'll infect you. I'm being serious here. Would you like your body to go to science? Because my friend actually does deal with that if you want. I can let her know. So, I'm not going to out her. She's gonna outlive me. I'm gonna die. Well, it depends. I want to be buried by the way. Right.

Buried, plot, next to me Nana and Granda hopefully. Great. There is not much room. We'll have to shift some people. Yeah. And then, just because I want people to have picnics around. When you get cremated, you know, you're just in a book, there's no, nothing. You got your ashes. You got your ashes and your family can-

They're gone aren't they? No, but your family can put them in an urn on the mantelpiece. To be fair. Next to, you can, when people die, you can put their ashes in urns and you can make my stuffed and mounted body hold them. If you get joints,

oh, get me stuffed and mounted but get something where I've got joints like, you know them, the things that people draw are like an action man, like an action figure. So you can move us around for different locations, you can do different things. I would quite enjoy that. Like elf on the shelf. Yeah. But you know, yeah. What can we call you? I don't know. Elf on the shelf. Chris in the crib. Just in the corner. What can we call you? Just Chris in the shelf. Chris in the crib. Just in the corner? What can we call you? Just Chris in the corner. Just different things. Different things. You know, Christmas I'm holding stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easter, I've got loads of Easter eggs. Okay, if you go pretty soon, I would do that because I think the kids would like that. Alright, well let's see how this goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could do. One guy's died from it. I might be number two. Daddy on the Deidoreal. Daddy on the Deidoreal. There you go. Do we have a Deidoreal? I'll make one. A big one. Gonna do the wheel first. Babadoo day door rail. There you go. Do we have a day door rail? I'll make one.

A big one. I'm gonna do the rail first. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Dear Chris and Rosie, whilst listening to the story of the electrician and the secret porn stash I was reminded of something that happened a few years ago which I thought everyone needed to hear. You need to hear this. One evening.

Are you alright? My legs are hurting. Well sit up straight. Well yeah I'm trying. You said something earlier on and I threw my head back and guffawed at you and it hurt One evening, are you alright? My necks are hurting! Well sit up straight. Well yeah I'm trying, you said something earlier on and I threw my head back and gaffored at you and it hurt even more. Why am I getting blamed for this constantly? Oh no you're not, your comedy's dangerous man. You're triggering me, you trigger me.

Oh yeah man, are you a gaslighting me? Why am I married? Oh god I hate being married. Again, again? What's, just, oh god! Oh she's hurting us! Married? What? God, I hate being married. Again. Again. What? Just... Oh, for fuck... Oh, God! She's hurting us. Help! I just want to be. I just want to be. Send help!

I just want to be by myself. Oh, it's definitely a knot in here. Like, I'm gonna go in and they're gonna go, oh, it's knotty. Carry a lot of tension in your shoulders, Chris. I say, yeah, it's just cold rosy. Oh, I did it again.. Right I need to stay still. Right come on carry on come on we've got stuff to do. Right one evening me and my brother were round at our grandparents house for tea and in casual conversation we asked whether they had anything planned for that night. Without hesitation my grandad told us he was going

to deal with Tommy. Given that nobody in our family is called Tommy and the grumpy old bastard doesn't have any friends, we asked him what he meant. Tommy, he replied, but this time he pointed to a gift bag that was stood in the corner of the kitchen. As curiosity got the better of me, I walked over to the quite lavish gift bag and peered inside. However, nothing could have prepared me for what I came across. Mysteries, mysteries. What do you think of it? Tommy. We've been talking a lot about it. I don't know. It's an urn. Oh! Yeah. Right. Given that we didn't know a Tommy, yet his ashes were set in our grandparents kitchen we obviously had a couple of questions it turns out that Tommy was the dead father

of the next door neighbor who had recently moved out and had presumably forgotten to take his dad dad with him now believe it or not this is where the story gets weird so obviously this someone's been living next door yeah they've had the dad in the urn forgot forgot to take him with them. So Tommy is the father of the next door neighbour who's presumably moved out and just left the ashes there. Yes, a few days prior to this, the men whose job it was to clean out the remainder of the neighbour's house came and knocked on our grandparents door telling them you've got to come and take a look at this. Imagine, wouldn't you act like, oh yes, I would imagine if someone knocked on our door

right now and said, we're clearing out next door or like over the, anyway. Would you like a nose around? Would you want to have a look? I'd be like, ah yes. Absolutely, yes. Are you for real? Is it, what, what, like come on. Nothing more intriguing than behind the closed doors of next door. Honestly, Jeannie in a lamp, three wishes, one of them wishes might be can you just keep knocking on us to go and look around manky people's houses like right just I

want to see I want to see boring just mundane no thank you I want the grim orders and stuff yeah mr. Trubas. I want to see mr. Trubas. Okay so right you've got to come and take a look at this I'm fizzing I'm literally dripping right the next door neighbour had always been a very quiet and reserved man. So what they saw on entering the house was quite a shock to their system. Okay. As they walked through the door,

they were greeted by hundreds of sex toys. Multiple boxes filled with porn DVDs, stacks of dirty magazines, various forms of bondage, and a torture chair with poor old Tommy abandoned in the middle of it all. An urn of ashes in the middle of the stock room of a fucking sex shop by the sounds of things. The sex room, yeah.

Oh. Once they'd done a quick inspection of the- It's what he would have wanted. No. It's what he would have wanted. Surrounded by all of his family. We don't know him, do we? Could have been.

Could have been a filthy pervert. Filthy pervert. Once they'd done a quick inspection of the horror before them, my nan ran back into their house to fetch the iPad. And after a little photo shoot of my granddad holding a chain in one hand and a whip in the other, they saw which... Which... Over there, Bruce.

With the iPad. With the iPad. With the iPad. With the iPad. Fucking great. With the iPad man. What was with the iPad of my favourite. Beautiful. They salvaged the next door neighbour's dead dad's ashes and went home placing him in and I quote, the nicest bag they had left over from Christmas.

To be fair, the next night, me grandad took Tommy to the local cemetery and scattered his ashes, admittedly with a tear in his eye, as he quite rightly said, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Well, you didn't know. To this day, we are not sure where the neighbour went. All we can do is be grateful that his dead dad didn't get thrown in the skip alongside his collection of filth. Well, actually, you know, in the locusts' defence, Tommy could have been a right bastard. Yeah, and I hate to shit on this, but the Grandad seems to think he's done a nice thing, but he's took the ashes to a cemetery and just scattered them around in the cemetery. That's the death equivalent of going, do you want to come and sleep in the reception of this sold out hotel?

What do you mean? Like, he's not put them in a grave. Oh no, because the cemetery... The cemetery, everyone's in their grave. They're the buries. Ah you just fuck yeah you're on the path. There you go you're on the path of the cemetery. Yeah. You'll be mourned next to but never mourned for. For eternity. In the wind. Yeah. Where would you want to be scattered? I know you want to be cremated rather than buried. Where do you want to be scattered? That's the question. Um. BJJ? Yeah on the mats. Great. Yeah yeah. It'll only last one then Alex will hoover the mats and then that.

Great. Lovely. Yeah. I'd like to be placed on the mantelpiece in the next the next time someone's trying to break the world record of how many people have sex within 24 hours. I'd just like to be on the mantelpiece judging them all. More chin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Rosie and Quick. Quick? Rosie and Quick? The next sentence is quick. It's what's about it.

Rosie and Quick. That is a nasty rumour. I don't want that to circulate. Rosie and... Hi, Rosie and Quick. This is just a very Chris story. Oh, right. Me and... That's why. you got the words mixed up. Me and my now husband were Christmas shopping and we saw a bell that he thought would be funny to buy for his mum as I'm guessing the mam babied my husband and his brother at the time as he was only 22. Right.

So the mam very much babies him and his brother. Right, okay, okay, it runs after them right, so the bell, so it's a bell. It's a bell. I'm guessing for him to ring and do his stuff. Yeah, so he's obviously thought it was funny, uh-huh. Right. Right. Is that ok? I'm on it. Anyway, I gave him an odd look as I don't think he realised what was on the side, but being the other arsehole I am, there was no way that I was telling him. Oh. Fast forward to Christmas Day, he gives his mum the present and as she opened it her face looked shocked.

He laughed and told her it was for him and his brother to use whenever they need her. Right. So it was a bell for them to use. Ding ding ding. Like Downton Abbey. Like her mother, yeah. On one side of the bell there is nothing, it's just blank. On the other side of the bell, which her husband has not seen, it says, in big white writing, ring for a shag. That's better than anything I could have guessed. Do you think you could not have guessed that? That's so good. Just had no idea.

Just like- Yeah, man, that's for me, me brother, ring when we need you. Do you think, could you not have guessed that? That's so good. Just had no idea. Just like... Yeah, man, that's for me and my brother to ring when we need you. Wow. It's safe to say I've never let him live it down and will always make a joke about it. Oh, who are you ringing at? You're mad for a shag. Oh, it's horrible.

Absolutely great. Look, Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings mommy needs a shag You know what that was from? What? No. That quote? No. I'm wasted. I'm wasted around here. Is that real?

Wasted. Tell us. Yeah, it's from the end of It's a Wonderful Life. Because in It's a Wonderful Life he's got his guardian angel with him, but the angel hasn't got his wings until he does something good. And he saves George. Yeah! And then right at the end, a bell rings and the little kid goes,

Look daddy, Kidger says every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. Because the angel got his wings. Right! Oh, I've just got... I've got goosebumps. You've got? I did. I've got goosebumps. It's real, you know. What, goosebumps've just got... Oh look. I've got goosebumps. It's real you know. What? Goosebumps? No. Angels and stuff. No, angels. Fully real. Look at that. That's... Yeah. Because angels do get their goosebumps. Brilliant movie. Brilliant movie. It's a wonderful life. It's a movie all about settling. Settling for what you've got. Is this 20 year old Chris who went to university

for a few months and did film and media? Absolutely. Okay. So that's what he's got. Great. Just watch it back everyone, just watch it back. Under the guise of he settles. He settles. He's absolutely good, he hates everything, hates his life, hates his town, hates where he works,

hates everything he does, hates his job. Then the angel goes, ah, it's all right, man, innit? And he goes, ah, sorry, man in it, and he goes, ah, it's fine actually, and then that's it. Well, it's contentment. Sells. Content. No, no, me and my friends talk about this all the time. Sometimes, right?

Even if things are going really shit, and you know, and you want more, or you want less, or you're stressed, I think sometimes you just have to look, sit back and go with your life, and go like, am I content? And yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah. Contentment. Not constantly striving for more. Yeah. There is that. Because sometimes

the real gem is in the mundane, isn't it? I love the mundane me. Oh, God, yeah. Honestly, give me a bit of routine, a shitty little routine. Just like after this, I'm going to the shops. Yeah. Literally, we're finishing this. I'm going to go to the supermarket, get shopping. Then we're going to, I'm going to get the kids. Literally, we're finishing this. I'm gonna go to the supermarket, get shopping. Then we're gonna, I'm gonna get the kids from school. What? We need bananas. I'm not, what the fuck? I'm trying not to swear!

Yeah! Yeah! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Do do do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Yes, thank you so much. As always, if you'd like to get in touch,

it is shagged, married and oied at gmail.com. Please continue to send absolutely everything you do. The podcast wouldn't be what it is without you putting people sending in all of your stuff. We'll be back in the years next week. See you later, alligators. Bye! Bye!

Getting dressed should be simple. If you're like me, you wanna look good, feel comfortable, and be ready for anything. That's why I love Dürer. It's not active wear, but it's not just fashion. It's the best of both worlds, where performance meets style. I wear my Dürer pants to work, out with friends, on hiking trails, and everywhere in between. If you haven't tried Dürer, you've got to feel the difference for yourself. Head to dürer.ca slash comfort and get 20% off your first purchase today.

That's doerr.ca slash comfort. From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions. At Enterprise Mobility, we help businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, we want to make sure it's on the road to success. Enterprise Mobility. in the world. and a high-stakes investigation unfolds. Starring Sterling K. Brown, James Marsden, and Julianne Nicholson, Paradise is now streaming only on Disney+.