Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 31. Sugar Lips

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie talk about their North Run experience (no running) they have some bed time beef and they answer some brilliant questions from the public. As well as this there are some truth bombs about what they do when Robyn's not at home and Jamie Laing sends in a great question/fact! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridanoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, dot ca Actually finished. Twinkle toes. Practising round the house. Rosie, Rosie, look at me. Look at me. Like a toddler. Ramsey.

Hey, my posture's improved. Has it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, not at the minute because I'm leaning into this microphone. But yeah, my posture's probably improved. I hadn't noticed. But I'm sure it will. And you're doing very well.

I was being sarcastic. And I showed you a video and you liked the video. It's very good. You're doing well. You're doing well. You're doing well. You might even not get kicked out in the first week.

Well, you can't even get kicked out in the first week. The second week. Imagine if you could. Actually, we've decided you're that bad that you can't be

in a competition. You're that bad. Just to save everyone embarrassment, including yourself, you're out in week one. The public on voting, we're just kicking you out. Guys, this is episode embarrassment including yourself you're out in week one the public on voting we're just kicking you out

guys this is episode 31 thank you so much for listening like, rate and subscribe etc here's a jingle we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle

jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back. Thank you so much for coming back and having a little listen.

And obviously I know how buzzing you're all going to be that you didn't have to listen to Chris's... Not ludicrous. Ludicrous? I'm getting mixed up with you saying lucrative. Yes, they are ludicrous. Ludicrous? I'm getting mixed up with you saying lucrative. Yes, they are ludicrous. Ludicrous. Him who sang...

Sorry, Miss Jackson. We've just lost so many. Sorry. No, that was Outcast. Oh. Sorry, Miss Jackson. Ludicrous sung move, bitch. Get out the way.

Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way. Fair enough. Who sang Miss Jackson? Outkast. Outkast. Is that him who did Yeah, Outkast were a band.

But interestingly, they were like a full-on hip-hop group. But interestingly, it was Andre 3000. Is it interesting? Yeah, well, listen. And then you'll be the judge. Andre 3000 was one of the people in Outkast.

And there was another guy. I can't remember his name. They fucking hated each other by the end, and the last Outcast album is a CD. It was two CDs. One was Andre, and one was the other guy, and if you held it and flipped it over, it was the other CD on the other side. Wow.

Yeah, like the box. It was the artwork, and it was the other side. Yeah, me mate had it. Well, well, Christopher. That's what this podcast is going to be soon. It's funny that you've said that because I just want to let you all know we don't like to tell fibs.

We've had a fight just before this podcast. Big fight. Big one tonight. We're okay now. Boom, boom. But you know what it is? Sometimes, Mammy and Daddy

disagree. We do. We do. And do you know what it is? That's the thing. A lot of people, genuinely, public service announcement, a lot of people genuinely public service announcement a lot of people say oh he's a couple goals and someone said the other day they don't

even want a relationship until it's like ours someone said it on twitter i saw that it was very sweet it was very sweet but guys nothing's perfect nothing out there is perfect and you know you do argue and you've got to try and you know admit when you're wrong and try not to you know rub it in the other person's face when they're right chris is still working on that i'm still working on it um also what you've got to do guys is you're not going to carry it with you because rosie can get over an argument pretty quickly because she's an adult i hold it i carry it what was it you just what was it you said it was you the argument that made me piss my sides laughing you said oh you're like little turtles yeah you say i carry it on me back I carry the argument on me back

And I live in it Like a fucking tortoise That was the Well we've talked about this before We can have an argument And I can literally Skip out the house Skip

Well not I'm not that bad I'll not be skipping Bit of a psycho But yeah Yeah No but I can kind of go You know what

We've talked about it Whatever You carry that shit around With you all day Yeah Just shake it off. We've made friends. We've had a cuddle.

We're married. This is going to happen all the time. You know what? We argued. We came back. We had a little chat. We had a little cuddle.

We had a little wine. And you know what really sweetened the deal, Rosie? What did? All of those beautiful bras you gave me from fig leaves that I'm currently wearing.

Well, there you go. You are welcome. You look fantastic. Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. Wine cast. So this could. Thank you. Cheers. Oh, cheers. Wine cast. So this could have been a take two, guys,

but we've decided to own it and let you know rather than pretending we didn't have an argument. So there you go. Well, we're okay now. But I mean, half an hour ago, no longer than that, we had to have a half an hour break. We put Rob in the bed, angry. Well, Chris did, and I was angry down here making me tea.

I was just stirring everything. And angry. Get angry. It's an angry stir fry. You stir it too much. Exactly. Shaking nuts to it. Slammed it.

And then you put him to bed, so we had half an hour apart, and then we had another half an hour of just chilling. Yeah. And, you know, and now we're okay. I'm okay. Are you okay? I'm absolutely fine now. You look a bit sad.

You've got sad eyes. Rosie, I'm honestly just tired. Why are you so tired? Because I'm a full-time dancer now. I'm just a full-time dancer. It's tiring, isn't it? Rosie, there's bits of me body hurting that I didn't know did anything. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news

and I told you so Carrot and all that but I said it's harder than what you think and you're going to use muscles that you didn't even know

existed because you're moving in ways it's not like going for a jog or doing some weights you're literally moving muscles

that you've never like ankle is there muscles in your ankle yeah I have to loosen my ankles off every morning it's madness

it's been on Instagram Karen stretches me afterwards she puts her feet on like my ankles and stretches out and I honestly I wail like a banshee like someone's killing a lamb

I'm like she was like she said the other day she said it sounds like I'm slaughtering a lamb I was like I've heard that before Karen yeah

honestly today Shahada's doing like a hip move thing obviously I can't tell anyone what the dance is yet or anything yeah yeah never gonna say that it move thing obviously I can't tell anyone what the dance is yet or anything yeah yeah

never gonna say that it's on there I can't tell the song or anything but it'll be on the 21st of September Saturday the 21st September watch that

but yeah so I had to do like a little hip just like a little hip movement today and I genuinely nearly put me back out I'm like

I'm gonna be the I'm gonna be the only person who ever puts his back out doing like a groin thrust. Just like, like someone's old grander who's had some Viagra and got too excited and put his back out shagging. Oh, flipping heck. It's minging. Honestly.

It's horrible. I'd hate that. I would literally go to the hospital and be like, how did you do it? And I would lie. I'd be like, oh, I was playing with my son on a scooter or something. Like, I couldn't go. Oh, I was dancing and I thrusted too much and I put me back out because I've never thrusted in my life

because I'm a square and I've got no rhythm. Hey, I've seen you thrust. Well, have you seen us thrust? I think so. Oh, okay. Maybe it was dark. They're talking about sex. It's mum and dad talking about sex. Why are we it's mum and dad

talking about sex why are we everyone's mum and dad now on the podcast well because we are listen I'm somebody's mum so I might as well be

everybody else's mum do you know what I mean I might as well be someone's mum and dad do you never get messages off people which don't get me wrong I'm not

this is not a slag off a slag I get loads of messages off young girls saying I really look up to you and i want to be like you when i'm older and at first i'm like that is so nice and i think i'm flipping 33

older i'm not that old that hurts i know but these are like i think they're like 18 19 and yes we are older we are of that generation you know what for me it's it's whenever I'm on Twitter and something comes out and it's like, the Hangover was out 15 years ago. And you go, what the hell? You're literally like, I went to the cinema last week to see that. It burns, doesn't it? Terrifying.

It's terrifying. I hate them, actually. As much as it interests us, it really upsets us. It's when it's like 20 and 25 years, that's when it's really like... Yeah, it's movies that I went to see. Titanic?

Yeah. That was 21 years ago. That's minging. 22 years ago. No, no. Are you not thinking of the actual crash? The sinking of the Titanic? No, Chris, I'm not.

No, that's about right. No, no, come on. Come on. No. I was 12. No, 20 years ago the actual Titanic hit the iceberg

22 20 days ago 21 years ago and I went to see the film shut up 20 days ago I went to see Titanic with my mum and dad

and I remember that's how long it was loser of course you did hey I went with my mum and dad went to the cinema at Boulden

when it used to be was it Virgin or UCG it must have been Virgin at the time yeah I think it was when it and dad Went to the cinema At Boulden When it used to be Was it Virgin or UCG It must have been Virgin At the time Yeah I think it was When it was like Welcome to the world Of Virgin Cinema

Like You know And I bumped around All the microphones All the speakers And then went to Frankie Benny's afterwards I remember thinking yes

Excellent little treat I got in trouble Off my mum Because you know When the guy falls Right from the top And hits the propeller And spins

Oh yeah that was awful yeah I laughed really loud when the cinema got told off and that bad my mum was like what's wrong with you why did you laugh

I was a kid man come on was it like uncomfortable no I still I still watch it and think boom when he hits that propeller it's like

you're horrible yeah I know see I went to see Titanic and I think I was just old enough and me and all my mates sat in the back row causing trouble. Probably drinking

vodka. No, I wasn't. Getting fingered. Oh, minging. You ruined it. I wasn't getting, that was not my fingering age. No, not during Titanic. No. Imagine getting fingered during Titanic. That is

grim. I see. Problem of getting fingered during Titanic. That is grim. I see. Problem with getting fingered during Titanic. It's just the tip of the iceberg. Didn't even work as a joke. It actually didn't make any sense at all. Nah. Well, you give us just the tip of the iceberg. What's the iceberg?

Fisting. Because that's horrific. You're talking about me being 12. So you're awful. Right, we've gone filth really, really quick here. You are putting Titanic and Fiston in the same thing. I did not say Fiston. And you went with your mum and dad. You're rank.

You've got issues, you. Shall we carry on? What have you been up to? Not much. Not going to lie. Great North Run at the weekend. Oh, it was a Great North Run at the weekend. The Great North Run, if you don't know what it is,

I'm sure you all do, it's a 13... You know what? Don't tell them. No, because we've got listeners abroad and everything. We've got American listeners. They don't know what it is. The Great North Run is a run that starts in Newcastle and ends in South Shields, which is our hometown.

57,000 people took part this year it's a half marathon it's a half marathon sorry it's 13.1 miles never have I ever done it have you done it

I've never had any inclination to do it I went on Virgin Radio Chris Evans and he was on with Steve Cram Steve Cram was on

and they were like just talking about running it was like all of them were like Chris Evans and he's like mate was there the other guy

on the show I can't remember his name apologies and Steve Cumb's there they were all like you run we're like we all run and they went we do the good enough run that ends in your town and I went yeah and they went will you do it with us and I went yeah and immediately I was like oh my god if they follow up on this if they follow up on this I will cry my eyes out. Did they, by the way? Rosie, it was this year, right? It was this year. Yeah. I'm not joking. One of the factors,

one of the reasons I actually signed up to Strictly was in case they followed up and wanted me to do that run. I go, guys, I can't do Strictly. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. I'm joking.

Do you know what it is, though? I always want to do it on the day that it's on. I think, oh, I wish I was doing this because it looks mint. But then, obviously, the day after and the day before that i think i can't run 13 mile well what i do is i always see people afterwards having a pint and going oh i've earned this pint because i've done the run and i think oh i'd love that and then i think well i'll just i'll just have the pint and then that's okay so i, now I just go to the finish line.

We do. We go to your friend's uncle's house. He lives at the finish line. Angela's uncle. And I have a pint. And it's great. Hey, sometimes,

we'll bloody walk there, don't we? Why, I would do. It's about two miles. Aye. It's not. No,

it's not even that. But hey. Yeah, but sometimes I feel a bit awful because people are literally running past or they've just finished the race. They've got the tinfoil things on them and I'm stood outside with a gin and tonic

and he puts them in the biggest flipping glasses and I'm like, well done, congratulations. What about that guy who was lying on the path in front of us? Are we going to talk about that? Yeah, let's. So basically, I mean, it's a massive run. It's a half marathon. The reason me and Rosie, we're joking here, but the reason me and you don I mean it's a massive run it's a half marathon the reason me and Rosie

we're joking here but the reason me and you don't do it Rosie is because we probably couldn't because you've got to be you know what I mean yeah you've got to be you've got to train for it

people you know people get ill people plum and drop down dead doing it I mean mate's death collapsed in the new Crown toilets when she did it

yeah but that was afterwards that was afterwards she did it loads of drink big love Steph so the guy so we were at Uncle Mark's house Yeah, but that was afterwards. That was afterwards. She did it. Loads of drink. Big love, Steph. So the guy, so we were at Uncle Mark's house and there was a bloke in front of us

and he was lying on the deck, basically, sort of sipping some water, lying there, looking ashen white. Yeah. You know, like baked potato blanket. With a tinfoil. He had the baked potato blanket on. And I went,

there was three people with him. There was four people. There was two sort of young-ish girls, probably 20s, late 20s maybe. And then there was a lady and then there was a bloke

with him. And I looked at them and I went, look, this is the house we're at. Do you need anything, guys? And she went, no, no, you'll be fine. And I thought,

what the hell's going on? And I asked her three or four times and i was like are these people insane like these guys die and they don't give a shit and it transpired i didn't run in the house and tell everyone they were doctors yeah so they were just like they just didn't give like they just weren't showing any shits they just weren't showing it it was amazing but as well the reason the time that I stopped listening was when I overheard the woman talking to you and she said,

he does this every year. And I thought, well, it's his own stupid fault. That's when I went, right, mate, you can collapse for all I care. Do you know what I saw when I heard her say he does it every year and him lying on the floor being a happy conure?

I saw our future. Oh my God. are you us I was like that's definitely me on the floor wailing and that's definitely Rosie not giving a shit the only difference is

she didn't have a gin in her hand I wouldn't be stood next to your boobs let's put it that way I'd literally be at the pub like oh he's fine does it every year

does it every year don't do it then honestly and then they got i'm sure they did in the end get an ambulance for him or something yeah i've seen someone with a flag i mean i'd like stop caring by then st john's ambulance guy came over and he was like you're like guys what's going on he started asking the blow questions and i was like dude these four people are doctors you are so out of your depth here this is crazy they're just gonna it was it was beautiful to watch once i knew she was a doctor i was so relieved it was like yeah we're all doctors he's fine i was like thank god i'm not

gonna witness a death today i was so worried about him yeah good lord until that point then i was like he's insane well i was until i heard they does it every year and i thought right fuck this but he was a doctor as well yeah idiot do you know what mean? How much have you got to love doing that run to be like that every year? Yeah, I wouldn't do it. She didn't say how many it was, but I'm guessing he does this every year. I'm guessing that's a lot.

That's not, he's done this the past few times. He does this every year. This is his thing. She's probably on 25th year with that shit, man. Well, they walked off, and I was half cut by the time, because they were there for ages and had a good few bottles. Oh, they were there for hours? Yeah.

It's ridiculous. But as they walked off, do you know what I shouted as they walked off? Don't let him do it next year. No, you'll be there next year and I'll say, excuse me,

can you go and be stupid somewhere else? I'm going to get him a sun lounger and let him be stupid right in front of us because I respect how stupid he is. That's a stubborn man and I respect that.

I don't, I do not. What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What is your beef? Tell you what, I'll see you in court. That was the jingle. Thank you again, Glenn Roughhead

for the beef jingle. Beef jingle. Beef jingle sounds good. What are you having for Christmas dinner? Beef jingle. Beef jangle, Mr. Jang jangle sounds good. What are you having for Christmas dinner? Beef jangle. Beef jangle, Mr. Jangles. Mr. Jangles. Beef jangle. That's the green mile.

Walk on the mile. Walk on the green mile. Middle jangles. Okay. You're welcome. Did you go to the cinema with your mum and dad to see that? Yeah. Laugh me head off.

Bell end. Laugh me head off. Laugh me head off. Fisted me mum. Good day out. You're so lucky she does not listen to this. She's got no idea how to work up on me. I think I've said it before.

My dad has the idea what the podcast's called. Yeah, that was funny. Billy, it's a good job you move me along because I'd disown you. Okay, ladies first. What's your beef? Do you know what? I'm going to be honest with you here.

I ran out But No No mate I'm so happy Mate I've had four this week Alone Oh shit

Oh god that was fast I've had four this week So I'm just trying to think which one's best This really winds me up Okay Sometimes on a night time If you're really tired I literally turn the light off We'll turn over Start to go tired I'll literally turn the light off

we'll turn over start to go to sleep I'll turn the light off and I'll go night babe and you'll go oh oh

I was asleep and I'll go really and I'll go right fair enough then we'll turn over a second like literally

this is how long probably like one two and I'll go yeah have you heard that rain and you'll go oh have you heard that rain? And you'll go, oh, what? I was asleep and it is not physically possible

to fall asleep that quickly. Into how much of a deep sleep that you make it. This is beautiful. Do you see where I'm coming from? Honestly, it's like, it's two seconds. One, two, listen to that rain. Oh, Rosie. I was asleep.

You fucking were not asleep. You cannot be asleep that quickly. It's physically impossible. Yeah, great. Yeah? Absolutely great. Why do you do it? Yeah, well, yeah.

You finished? Well, away then. Finished? Yes, I am. Time for my beef? Yes. Well, I don't need to check my phone because I've just been reminded of it.

What? My beef with you, Rosie, is sometimes you talk to me in bed when I'm asleep and fucking claim I wasn't asleep, you massive prick. Nah, I'm not having that. Oh, damn.

You did it last night. That's why I wrote it in your phone! That's why I wrote it in my phone! High five. You fucking... Last night you went, have you heard that rain? And I hard fell asleep. in my phone that's why I wrote it in my phone high five you fucking last night you went have you heard that rain and I had fell asleep

no you couldn't have you said no you weren't I was like you fucking no you weren't imagine that level of oppression

ladies and gentlemen I was asleep how dare you oppression it was two seconds I swear I swear to God, there is no way on this earth,

not the deep sleep that you proclaim. There has to be. No, no, no, no, no. Give us a minute. Did you just say proclaim in an argument? Yes. Well done. Thank you.

Maybe if you went, oh, I was falling asleep then. Not, oh, I was asleep. Chris, you weren't because I've just spoke to you two seconds before. Listen, there has to be a moment between being awake and being asleep. I get that. It's probably about 30 seconds to a minute. Fuck. Fuck.

Have you never put Robin to bed and literally he's been saying something and the next minute he's like jumping out of his skin as if he's had one of those little dream things. Oh, sorry, Robin. He's three. He's three. Why are three-year-olds so tired? Because they use loads of energy all day or something.

Don't know. Because this guy you're looking at, I'm a professional dancer now. I've been using a lot of energy all day. So this basically comes down to trust. You not trusting that I'm telling the truth about being a stiff. Why would I lie, Rosie? Why would I lie about

falling asleep? I have no idea, but I do. Right, okay then. Well, I'll tell you what. What you need to start doing is, Rosie, I am going to sleep now. Do not speak to me. Oh, that sounds great. What, do you want it in writing? I do, Chris. Do you want an email? I'd rather, I would rather that than the

ridiculous manner in which you go on when you've woke up from your two seconds of kip. Okay, let's get to the crux of it. So it's not the fact that I've fallen asleep and that you don't believe I've fallen asleep. It's the... It's the way you do it. I was asleep.

Oh, don't do it because it makes us want to vomit. Okay, right. That's what I did. Well, I'll try to stop doing that. Okay. Well, you've said this for seven years. You have to believe that I was falling asleep. You're a maniac. Falling... Oh, you've said it. have to believe that I was falling asleep. You're falling asleep.

You've said it. Falling asleep. You were not asleep. You were not asleep. Great. How about, you know how like when you're at a radio station or something or a TV studio, they have a little red on air light above the door so you don't make any noise or go in when they're on air.

Shall I have a little button that I, like a do not disturb button? Yes. I can press it at the side and it can just little pop up. Yeah, I'd rather know. I'd rather know. Yeah. It wasn't that long. It was not that long, Chris.

It was literally like, night, night, have you heard that rain? Why would I say it like five minutes later? Why would I? Because I'd be asleep myself. Why would I go night, night, babe? Have you heard that, Ray? Oh, God, Rosie, don't know I was asleep there.

I hate you. I hate you. It's time for questions from the public. Public, public. Public, public. Okay. Rosie's done the questions

this week because, I don't know if I've mentioned, but I'm a full-time dancer now. So busy. So busy for this podcast, guys. You're lucky that I'm keeping it going. Do you know what I mean? I'll be honest with you, though, Rosie. It is a properly... I feel...

I still feel strange telling people that I'm dancing. Like, sorry, someone phoned us today and I had to end the call because I was like, sorry, I've got to go and dance. Like, it's really a nut. Like, if I needed to speak to someone urgently and they went, sorry, I've got to go and dance, I'd be like, you're the worst.

So the dance studio where I go is in like a gym of like a local gym where we live. And a couple of people came in. And one guy who I've known for years came in today as I was going out. And he was like, all right, mate, you been doing a bit of training? I'm like, oh, I've just been dancing through there. And even though he knew I was, and he went, oh, and he started asking about the show. For a split second, telling someone I'd been dancing all day in a room just felt so strange.

Just quit your job as a comedian. It's just, I've got no other gigs. I've got no other gigs. I'm a full-time dancer now. Well, somebody said to me today, they were like, where's Chris today? I was like, oh, he's dancing. He's dancing. You know how I get annoyed?

I've got that weird thing where I get annoyed when people go on holiday and they can't do stuff. You know, like if I'm like, oh, we need the bathroom tiled and I'm like, I'm going on holiday. And I know I'm wrong, but I'm like, fuck you for going on holiday. Can you imagine? Can I get a quote for the bathroom tiling?

Oh, yeah, cool, yeah, it'll be such and such. I can't do it for four weeks, mind, because I'm dancing. Get out of me fucking house. Too busy dancing. Just quickly on this note, I only get annoyed with people. Our parents,

our main childcare, they're only on flipping holiday at the same time. I'm doing nothing like it. I'm fucking sick of it. Honestly. I'm not joking. I'm thinking about possibly framing our parents

for some kind of crime that gets their passports revoked. There's so many holidays. I'm not joking I'm thinking about possibly framing our parents for some kind of crime that gets their passports revoked there's so many holidays I'm not even joking well the funny thing was your mum and dad are known are prolific

for going on a lot of holidays they are prolific holiday makers but you know what they've retired they can do what they want no they can't they've got to look after our kids no they can't

no they don't at the drop of a hat they have to drop look after our kids right well they're very good anyway but I'm just saying.

But Sandra, all of a sudden, thinks it's the year of holidays. Bloody gallivant, eh? Gallivanting around. Well, no, you're listening, Sandra. Careful flick and looney, eh? I think you're doing, eh? Eh? Raging, Sandra.

Are you lying on the sun lounger by the pool listening to this? Yeah. Get your arse back here and look after my petulant child will you and robin as well look after robin as well robin and chris they're both getting on your wig you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi keshe her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's you. No, don't. The first omen

I believe the girl is to be the mother Mother of what? is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Question here. This one is hilarious.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. My question is... You are going to lose your mind at this. When parents find themselves with a child-free night ahead, what's the first thing they do in an empty house? My partner reckons loud, undisturbed sex is top of the list. Verdict. Big love from Katie in the two. That is hilarious.

What a fucking idiot that man is. Are you serious? What planet are you on, dude? I've got an Xbox. I've got a PlayStation. I've got Netflix. I've got an Xbox. Huh? I've got a PlayStation. I've got Netflix. I've got Amazon Prime. There's somebody in the world who thinks

that when parents have a night to themselves that they have loud, undisturbed sex. Absolutely hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. All night long. Do you know what it is, mate? Do you know what it is? When we've got a night to ourselves,

what we do is we'll either do a podcast, right? Or we'll watch the telly on, you know, volume 20 or above as a treat. And we'll go to bed past half ten. Oh, you sweet summer child. What an idiot you are, fella. We'll think about maybe having sex,

but then we'll think, do you know what? I'm a bit too tired. And we'll just get a really good night's kip without the pain. Can I just tell the truth here? It's not even tired, Rosie. Let's be totally

honest here we might think about having sex but we're normally too full from whatever we've ate let's be perfectly

honest that's true it's normally we've got a curry or a pizza or something and we've had so much of it

in our face and then we've sat with a big bag of dine bars watching stafflets flats or something and just

god it's incredible and we're just like up to it you know if sex could be sort of preceded by a couple of Rennies

and a bit of stretching possibly but we're always too tired exactly not a chance if you could just text each other sex that would be great

should put it in pill form that would be good I know you I probably wouldn't be asked to take it probably be too full I just thought that was a beautiful, beautiful question. But you know what?

Part of me thinks, Katie, if you are wanting to, I don't know if it's a male or female, if you are wanting to stay with this person for a long time, skip past that and we'll answer it now. Yeah. So, yeah, when we're alone in the house, Robin's staying out, we just, we are at it. So loud.

Crazy. Oh, my, it's crazy. Isn't it mental yeah just can't stop oh craziness last time was it about six

about six times we did it oh hey I was so impressed bloody red raw neighbours fuming eh

bloody noises coming out of there oh you gave me cystitis that night babe you've gone too far I'm not playing along anymore

I'm not playing along anymore you I'm not playing along anymore. You've made us sad. You've made us sad. Really a little quick one for you here. That's what she said. Nice one. Would you rather live with sugary lips or cheesy, crumbly, what's-it fingers

for the rest of your life? So the sugary lips is like from a donut sugar that you can't lick off. You can't lick off. Oh, shit. Or cheesy, crumbly wotsit fingers. Constantly. I'm going to pass out.

What would you have? I mean, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Yeah, I'm hungry now. I want a donut and I want some wotsits after the donut or maybe the other way around. What are you thinking? So what is the fingers going to impair me doing?

I mean, my phone screen will be disgusting. Oh, it'll be a nightmare. My laptop will be minging. I mean,

you'll have to live with a pack of wet wipes in your bag constantly. Well, no, because you can't wipe it off. Off the stuff. Just off stuff.

Off the things you've used. You put gloves on, I suppose. No, you can't. Where does it say in the email that you can't? Well, just... Why have you done this? It's my question.

I'm doing the questions. You can't put gloves on. You're not allowed to put gloves on? No. Is that the rule? Because then that's bypassing the whole point of the thing. No, but then you've still got to have gloves on forever, haven't you?

I suppose then the thing would be you've got to have gloves on forever. Oh, God. I'm thinking so much into it because it's really speaking to my OCD. I am going to go with I would rather have sugary lips. Because I love my sofas.

Yeah. So you lick them and it just comes back. It just doesn't go off. It's just like. Yeah, it's just constant. Oh, God. You're kind of being mottled fingers all the time. No, you're kind of being mottled fingers, man.

Horrible, that like. Oh, gee whiz you definitely get to stike this off them bad lads I know thrush a ramen oh god

I didn't mean to make it such a horrible question it was meant to just be a quick one no it just freaked me out I feel honestly I feel is my nose bleeding

I feel like my nose I feel like I'm going to pass out pick one sugary lips or water fingers it'd have to be sugary lips

well done but I'd either way I'd go I'd go clinically Pick one. Sugary lips or wotted fingers? It'd have to be sugary lips. But either way, I'd go clinically insane. I'd lose my mind. I'd lose my mind. Maybe you could try it out. No. Honestly, that might be up there with the worst questions I've ever been asked in my life. Well, here's another one.

Oh, God. But this is just a really little one. You'll not get as stressed about this. Somebody literally just messaged saying, Thoughts on sweet corn on a roast. Beg your fucking pardon? Sweet corn on a what? What's your thoughts

on sweet corn on a roast? On a roast dinner? Like a roast dinner. Who the fuck's doing that? I'm livid. I know. You can't tell

but I'm clenching my fists. Well that's why they're asking. Right. Thoughts of having sweet corn on a roast dinner. First of all my thoughts on actual sweet corn fucking pointless. That upsets me. Nah. Thoughts of having sweet corn on the roast. First of all, my thoughts on actual sweet corn, fucking pointless.

That upsets me. Nah. You know I love sweet corn. Let us finish. Utterly pointless. It's the worst. It tastes like fuck all. It's minging.

It tastes like sweet corn. It tastes like nothing. It's like having a little bit of popcorn. The word sweet should be eradicated from that. There's nothing sweet about it. It's the blandest shit in the world. Oh, nah. It's my pissed food. I'll tell you what. I would want sugary lips if i was having sweet corn at least

it would make it fucking sweet pointless rubbish it's like little spongy little teeth right the sides of the outside of it doesn't even break down you shit them back out the actual case of it you can't even do anything with that and who's potting it on a roast? Well, right, I don't, but I would. Right. Because I love sweet home. Not in this bloody house, you won't, and I'll put my foot... Listen, hey, hey, hey.

All right, yes. Just put my foot down. All right. Did you hear that? Yes, sir. It was carpet and I've got a bare foot, but I did put down. I'll be honest with you, it did hurt a bit. Good, I'm glad.

Fairy's getting you back. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris'm glad. Fairy's getting you back. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Chris and Rosie. An incident occurred recently which firstly outraged me and secondly made me wonder what your opinion on this is. Okay. What is your opinion on letting children wee in a public place? I was at my local Aldi doing a bit of shopping

and returned to my car to find two kids and a mum around the car next to me, next to my driver's side door a woman was allowing her child a young child a boy to wee up against her car tire she told me that i had to wait for him to finish which i patiently and silently did he was already pissing what could i do i then had to leap over the large piss puddle to get into my own car. At this point, I pulled this exact face, and it's like a sickening face, down at the piss puddle. And it all went very wrong. Pissy mum shouted at me, saying my

rude looking face, and it was such a rude look, she had to make a stand. Apparently, according to piss mum, four year old child's wee is special from normal wee, as it is from a child. I was unreasonable for not wanting to get it on my shoes. Apparently, kids can wee any way they like, Now, last question. Is it unreasonable to let your child wee all over an Aldi car park? Thanks a lot.

And that's Sarah from Essex. Right. First of all, other car parks are weeing are available. Absolutely. Sarah, you're not going to like this answer. Sarah Sarah you're not going to like this answer Sarah you're not going to like this answer but you are in a way because I feel like Sarah you probably haven't got a toddler or a kid

and that's fine I'm not going to go all I'm saying is when those little and I mean this tossers when those little tossers say that they need to piss it is just another sort of, it's another thing getting piled on your day of bollocks with a kid. When they just go, I need to piss.

And you can just, if you can literally, for the little boys, just let them piss in a car park. Car tyre is normally the best place to do because they're not pissing anyway on other people's stuff. For a moment, I thought you were going to say they're pissing on your car tyre and I would have loved that story so much more. I don't think they would.

However, that mother could have broached it better. Some parents are so fucking enthralled in their kids and so, oh, my pissing child is the most amazing pissing child in the world. She didn't have to say, wait till he's finished. If that was me and my son was pissing on a car tyre and the person in the car next to it came to go, I would be mortified. And I would turn around.

I would say, I am so, so sorry. When he needs to wee, he just needs to wee. I didn't want him weeing himself. There's no toilet anyway. And I would have, you know, I'd have talked you around. This woman obviously didn't. Yeah, I agree. But unfortunately, Sarah, kids need a wee.

They need a wee. And they can't run very fast. And they can't hold it. And there's no toilets in Aldi. Robin pissed himself the other night when Strictly was on. Oh my God, he did? What the hell was that all about? We had people around watching the Strictly show

and he was in the middle of the room dancing and he just pissed himself. He hasn't done it for ages. He hasn't had an accident for a year and a half. He's been toilet trained. He's nearly four. He's been toilet trained since he was two. had a full-on wee in the middle of the carpet blessing but yeah unfortunately children do yes right this is something that you are going

to understand me yeah yeah and i think sarah will as well i have always been around children yeah i have i've got cousins i've got you know nephews i work in nurseries i would never be offended by a kid pissing in the street yeah you have not been around children before robin before robin before robin you'd have been livid i'd have sent that and i think until you have a child or until you're around children you it's like yeah it's a totally different what it would have been right before robin i would have been, right, before Robin, I would have been, is it Sarah? I'd have been exactly like Sarah here,

and I'd have went to a gig that night and went, bloody woman letting a kid piss, imagine that, and it would have been fucking silence in the crowd, because they'd have all been, yeah, we've all got kids, shit your fucking mouth.

Well, do you know, there's pictures of me somewhere, I think, when I was a kid, and God knows why it's been taken, but I can remember a picture of, like dad because obviously for girls you can't like point me dad used to like put so imagine my back against my dad's belly and he's like just got me legs lifted up like that and I'm just having a wee and somebody's took a picture and it's somewhere. Probably me, man. Who took a picture of that? I don't know. Who in boots

printed developed a picture of that? I know, I know. That's mental. What's wrong with your family? What are you talking about? Caravan's on the drive. Bloody arse is pissing quick.

Get the camera out. It's memory. Don't forget to take that down to Boots and let the woman in Boots develop that photo of our kid. I wasn't going to say that. Minging. Simpler times. 1990. Yeah.

Probably. Well, hang on, no, 1989. Yeah. When was Well, hang on, no. 1989. Yeah. When was I born? 36. I think that was about seven years before the Titanic. That's just...

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hello, Rosie and Chris. Can you solve a problem for us? We've just got a date for our wedding next year. But have a list of guests that exceeds the number allowed. Oh, God. 150. Oh, God.

150. Oh, God. Popular. 150. Gonna be popular. Name the musical. Popular. That's the song.

What's a musical? Popular People. It's wicked. Oh, jeez. Why'd I bother? Okay. Any suggestion on how to cull? My main issue is work colleagues that know about it.

I'm a teacher, but if you invite one, I basically have to invite everyone. Chris has a massive family, and his parents have asked him to invite the whole lot. I'm guessing Chris is her partner. Well, it's not me. Oh, I was going to. Excuse me? You're secretly getting married with 150 imagine, imagine

if 150 of our friends turned up at your secret wedding. That would be amazing. There's a TV show on that. That's happened. What TV show was it? Secret Wedding. No. There's a TV show that I started watching but then I stopped watching it

and someone's having an affair Dr. Foster Dr. Foster boom I knew it was that because I also stopped watching it

yeah and everyone knows about it and they're all okay with it messed up anyway Chris has a

massive family and his parents have asked to invite the whole lot all tips appreciated how did you do it and that's from Lucy well what does she need to colour to?

Well, 150. Well, do you know my advice? What should you colour down to? That somebody told me. For your daytime guests, if you're wondering about inviting someone, all you've got to think, if they came to your door and asked to lend

however much it is ahead, so say it's like 95 quid ahead, which weddings are these days, would you lend them? If they said, can I like 95 quid ahead which weddings are these days yeah um would you lend if they said can i lend 95 quid would you lend them it first of all i wouldn't lend anyone 95 quid so that would be a very quiet day in my wedding um i wouldn't i can't think of anyone who would knock on the door and i would lend 95 quid do yes you can who loads of people who came to the wedding nah no You wouldn't lend me ma'am 95 quid

No because I would No it would be giving it Because I'd never get it back I would give you ma'am 95 quid Right well let's play Let's give Alright Should we get the wedding list out?

Would you give me brother 95 quid? Me sister Me brother-in-law Should we go on really? Are we going to Angela and Steph Definitely not them two Darren and Jonathan

Nah Well there you go Well you'd be all by yourself Yeah Really? Are we going to? Okay. Angela and Steph. Definitely not them two. Darren and Jonathan. No. Well, there you go. You'd be all by yourself. Yeah. Cool. Because that's the rules that you've got to play by. If I had been, it would have been cheaper. If you're not willing to give them, actually, yeah, give them, not lend them because you're

never getting it back. You're not getting it back. You watch them. Eat that 95 quid. Yeah. And if anyone leaves any, you go and tell them you did it. That's why I brought all the leftovers home and made a big wedding smoothie. Imagine that!

Chicken, gravy, potatoes, bits of cake. Do you know what? We've never really dissected much on here, right? That's unprofessional. Do you know when you go and try your food for a wedding and you try it and you pick your meal.

Yeah. That's a lot of pressure for 150 people. Right, guys? We've picked this meal that you're all going to eat and I don't give a shit if you don't like it. Imagine that. It's horrible. Imagine going to a restaurant with 150 people and go,

I'll order. Yeah, we're all having the risotto. I don't like that. Shut up, Sharon. You all having the risotto. I don't like... Shut up, Sharon. You'll eat the risotto and you're going to enjoy it because it costs 95 quid. Well, it's more like we're all having risotto. I don't like the risotto. Are you vegetarian?

No. Well, you're having the fucking risotto. Are you vegetarian? Yes. Well, you're having the pasta. It's just... You don't think about that, do you? I've told people at weddings before

that I was vegetarian because I didn't like the main stuff on the menu. Have you? Yeah, I've done that before. Well, there's been a few times,

twice that I can think of at the top of my head. The start has been a goat's cheese tart with red onion marmalade and I've been devastated because I don't like goat's cheese. What's going on with goat's cheese, man? I know,

well, everyone else is lapping it up and I'm like, this is disgusting. It's the worst goat's cheese. What's going on with goat's cheese, man? I know, well, everyone else is lapping it up and I'm like, this is disgusting. It's the worst goat's cheese. Yeah, it's horrible. Feta's minging as well. I know. Oh, God.

It's like someone emulsion the inside of your mouth. It's minging. Yeah, I agree. Have you ever watched anyone eat a bit of feta? You know what? Feta, it's like doing a shot of Tipp-X. Disgusting. A Tippex Jäger bomb.

That's so true. And there's just bits of it always on the lip. Like crumbly, crumbly, horrible Tippex that's gone really weird with his bit. Off Tippex. Out of gone really weird with this bit. Off tip ex. Out of date tip ex. Well done.

Sometimes I remember that you're a comedian. I was just about to say, there's another brilliant moment in our relationship when Rosie remembers I'm a comedian. Jesus. It's true. You sometimes, I make a joke sometimes in public and you say well done to me and everyone laughs.

I know, because, well, because you know. Hey, hey, it's good to have a hype man. I'm not bothered. I like you, I like your support. Well done, babe. Proud of you. I'll remember that. It does look like Tippec.

Should have seen me dance. Even funnier. It's time for this week's celebrity question. Celebrity question. Celebrity

question this week from a genuinely very very dear friend of mine. Absolutely all the love in the world for this

guy. I feel like you have got a full on bromance. I love it's Jamie Lang from Made in Chelsea and so gutted that he's injured himself.

Me too. And he's out with Strictly. I'm so devastated. Can we just quickly mention on here? Right, yeah. We could not believe that Jamie tore a muscle in his leg. Yeah. It was in his leg.

Yeah, sorry. So if you look in the, sorry to interrupt Rosie, but if you look in the launch show of Strictly, if you look at the first dance routine, soly, if you look at the first dance routine, so me, Neil and Jamie of the big dance we did had to do a thing where we were on our knees and then we had to jump up. Right at the beginning.

Literally on the first jump of the whole dance routine, Jamie tore a muscle in his foot. And he carried on. Carried on the full thing. I swear, as a performer myself. Jamie, you're a hard bastard, son. Honestly. Genuinely.

And he did so well. He had a smile on his face all the way through. He's a little blonde-haired posh boy on the telly, but I tell you what, what a hard sod. Fair play, dude. He did the full dance. And Jamie, genuinely, dude, I know you listen to the podcast every week.

I'm so gutted you're not going to be on Strictly with us because I just honestly loved hanging out with you and it's just such a shame. I'm sure you guys will get to rekindle your flame, your love. I'm sure I will. You'll be there I'm sure. Made a good friend for life. He's a really good guy. Here's his question. Hey Rosie and oh hi your husband can't quite remember his name but

thank you so much, it's Jamie Lane here thank you for asking me to do a question on your podcast. By the way, Rosie, I am the biggest fan in the world. You hold the podcast up. Without you, there wouldn't even be a podcast, in my opinion. Just wanted you to know that. Anyway, my question is, how many chocolate digestives are eaten a day in the UK?

Good luck. Right, well, that's a bit annoying. Oh, sorry. A bit of fun. Yeah. Sorry, Pips. Wow. Wow. Jimmy, thank you. Right, well, that's a bit annoying. Oh, sorry. A bit of fen. Yeah. Sorry, babes. Wow. Jimmy, thank you.

Unbelievable, that. Honestly, I thought I made a friend. I mean... I thought I made a friend. Yeah, that's a bit embarrassing because you've just let your heart out of the room there. Literally, I have opened my heart and it's been snapping hard.

Listen, don't carry it around like a turtle all day. You're all right you'll get over it you'll see him again what a question that's a great question oh my god on his family the digestives oh yeah he's kept it on brand like oh yeah i love it i look that's why he's got so much money why don't we we just need to bring this podcast up in every conversation it's unbelievable in it love it um so how many digestives are eaten in the, what is it, in the world every day? How many digestives are consumed in the UK every day?

Now, let's both guess. Right. And we'll Google it. This is exciting, isn't it? Well, I've had to stop buying digestives because they are the ones that, no, they are like so Moorish though. Unbelievable.

Yeah. Right. You don't realise how many you've had until you see how many's left. The caramel ones are like heroin I've never had heroin but if it's better than that I've never had heroin

but I guarantee it's probably nowhere near on par with the caramel digester listen I've had heroin can you imagine the Daily Mail I've not had heroin

but I have but I haven't but I maybe have you mean you've had caramel digester oh sorry yes yeah yeah the same thing

Jesus right I am in a day I'm gonna say in the UK how many people are in the UK oh god no no there's about

how many 56 million is that right no it can't be that much no it is I don't know hold on oh gosh

am I just am I just making up numbers here now it's UK population 2019 is what was your guess 56 million 56 million oh goodness me no i'm totally wrong yeah yeah it's what it's 67 million 60 well i was totally wrong as of tuesday what when did them 10 million babies happen as of tuesday september 10 that's craziness

so how many 67 million 67 million. Not everyone's having a digestive. Not even half. Listen, have you worked in schools before? Rosie, all I'm saying is, right, if more than half of 67 million people in the UK... Oh, no, I don't think half are. No, no, listen, though. If more than half of 67 million people in the UK

every single day were eating a digestive, I don't think Jamie would be doing a question for our podcast. I think we'd be doing a question for our podcast. I think we'd be a bit under his radar. Listen, I'm going to say 900,000. Yeah, okay. I'm going to say 500,000. Did he give you the answer

by the way? He didn't, fucking idiot. So I'm going to have to Google it. Am I going to message him? Oh, he's messaged. He's messaged back. How many? So I've just messaged Jamie to answer, and he's messaged back. So you said 900,000. I said 500,000. A day.

Shut up. 3.4 million a day. Shut up. Good God. 3.4 million chocolate digestives are eaten a day. God. That is crazy. That's insane.

Hey, we've all learned something today. Thanks to Jamie Lang. Thank you, Jamie, my love. Well done, Jamie. You'll be missed, brother. We'll miss you. I'm not even on the show and I'm going to miss you. That's incredible.

Bish, bash, bosh. That's it done. Thank you so much for listening. Apologies, you you know that we had a fight before the podcast but I hope it didn't tarnish it at all

I don't know I think we owned it it was really good I've enjoyed this I do love you yeah but I'm weirdly thinking that

afterwards I'm thinking you just made up like friends with us just to do the podcast I'm thinking like as soon as we turn the mics off

you might really shout at us and have a go no but I'll definitely bring it up tomorrow great when we're sober and you know in the cold light of day it'll be getting brought up but

that's fine excellent that's good i love you too and we love you all for listening thank you so much for listening if you want to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com please like rate and subscribe on all your podcast shops uh don't forget strictly's on get voting i'm gonna need you and i'm on tour yes well yes I was just going to say your tour as well oh you're appointing me for my tour yeah

that's really nice yeah chrisfamsycomedy.com slash gigs my 2020 tour is going out in March 2020 all the way through

the year bless you all for listening thank you so much Rosie I might argue with you now and then but you know what there's no one else

in this world I'd rather argue with and then make up with and then go to sleep next to and be woken up to and sleep next to. Great. Honestly,

if you do that tonight, I will stab you in your sleep. And that's on here. Wow. So they'll know. That's official. Literally,

I will go to prison for it. Okay. Right, love you. Rosie will be doing the podcast next week, solo from a jail cell. Good night. Oh, by that phone.

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