Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 322 Shandy Alarm

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On the podcast this week Rosie is multi-tasking as she gets ready for a hen do whilst sharing beefs and reading some brilliant QFTP's! Chris shares a new diagnosis that is causing him some stress (natch) and the pair get mad at North East weather, do some Yodelling and get round to some wacky wacky do da headlines in a newish segment, Extra Extra! Complete our sponsor survey ⁠by clicking here ⁠ Email the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi everyone. Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oide. We've got the quiz that changed the world. It hasn't changed anything. Did change the world. Extra, extra. I used to do it on an extra episode of the podcast.

We brought it to the main pod because we felt like it was getting wasted out there. We've got some sponge chat. Oh, love a sponge. We've got a return to gross toenail patter. And we've got beefs. We have got beefs. As always.

Chris has been diagnosed with something. We'll let you know what it is. I've been fully diagnosed. I don't have long left. If only. Hello, you're listening. Shag Married Inoid. With me Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

Hello. Hello. It smells like we're doing some kind of solvent abuse in here. No, okay. So, I'm really sorry. And I know it's probably really unprofessional. But the podcast, before we filmed it, this is the only time that I genuinely like sit down

without having to do anything for a couple of hours, right? So I've got my tan on, because I'm going on the hindo tomorrow, can't wait. And I'm just painting my nails. Because I all, you know what I always do? I always don't paint. nails at all. I always don't. I always don't. Well I just don't for some reason I don't. It just slips me mind. I never. I never. I never. I never. Is the way that sentence should have been

structured. Thank you. English teacher. Or swipe. So I don't never. That's missed our ass wipe. I always don't. I always don't. I don't know what you said. It was it. It was garbage. Stupid. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. Anyway, so I always end up painting them as I'm leaving the house, getting into a taxi. So the smudge and the look shit. So I thought, but you know what it is? I'm sat here and I'm just doing them now. You sat like Edward says her hands. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just doing them now and I'm... I might sit like this in solidarity with you with my hands up as well. You're like a surgeon. You're just scrubbed up. I know. Scrubbed in. Scrubbed in.

Not scrubbed up. Is it not scrubbed up? No, you're scrubbing in, don't you? Do you? Scrubbing in. Into the surgery, yeah? Is that true? I think so.

Oh, don't Google it. No, I'm sure it's... You're scrubbing in. Listen, I watched Grey's Anatomy for a long, long time. you're scrubbing in. Do you know I stopped watching Grisning at me because it's got the COVID bit and I thought I can't do it.

They're all wearing masks apparently and I just thought no. Too much. Scrub in, it's scrubbing. Thank you. It's scrubbing. Do you want to apologise? Good.

No, never. I'll never apologise. Great. I will never, no, I do. I'm always a first person to apologise. I always think the hands must be super clean. Super clean when you see them do that. You've always seen a doctor wash the hands.

You just go, you know, you're off-and-you-if-you-know-all-you- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got to do it for a certain amount of time, you know. Put the fucking up their arm and that, halfway up the dog. I think they've got to do it for two and a half minute. Yeah? Well, with COVID, it was sing happy birthday or twice, wasn't it? That was just people.

That wasn't people opening up bodies. That wasn't surgeons. A surgeon. Right. Well, Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy used to sing, think. You better think. Think about what you're trying to do to me. Think, think, think.

Let your mind going to let yourself be free. Let's go back, let's go back. Oh, gosh. Don't do the whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. didn't even know you. You won't be too well than 10.

Just a child. I ain't no psychiatrist. I know dad's a degree. It don't take too much IQ. See what you're doing to me. Stop. Stop. She used to sing that.

Right. And that was the amount of time. Wow. Because. What's a stupid show? Brilliant show. In its day, absolutely incredible.

I need to go back to it. But I just couldn't. There's new ones. There's loads. I'm really way behind, but I just can't watch the COVID series. Got you. I might just skip that full series.

Do it. Do it. Skip it. So, yeah, other than that, you okay? I'm great. I'm very excited for the Hendon. Oh, right, we'll talk about that. We'll talk about that. That's coming up. But as of now, this is episode 322.

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much to listen. Listening, lushening, money penny. Listening, you wonderful, wonderful people. Without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Northeast Weather. Oh, yeah. Hey, do you an experience.

All the seasons in one day. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? Well, you want to visit the north-east. You get the sun, you get the rain, you get maybe a little bit of snow, pitch, black cloud coverage and some fucking fog. All within about a 15-minute period. Wow.

Make sure you pack all of your clothes because you've been walking down the street in your shorts and have to quickly put a jumper on, then a coat, then strip back down to your speedos by the time you get to the end of the street. North East weather. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Brought to you in conjunction with the phrase, it just doesn't know what to do with itself, does it?

Yeah. It's wild. Wild. It was pissing it down a couple of minutes ago and now the sun's blasting through that fucking window. Yeah. No wonder, but we're all a bit mental. I think we're all just like,

what we're doing today? I think I mentioned this before, but we went to London either day. Well, we went to London separate days to do the Taskmaster podcast. I had to dress for three fucking climates. No, six. When you're going to London there and back

at this time of year from the Northeast, you've got dressed for six possible different climates, right? Yeah. You've got what it is early morning when you wake up and go to the train station in Newcastle, you've got what possible temperature the train could be, because sometimes when it's sunny,

the aircon doesn't work and vice versa. You've got what it'll be in London when you get there. You've got what it'll be as you're leaving London. You've got the train again on the way back, and then you've got whatever it is when you get back to Newcastle. It's a fucking nightmare. I took like a carry-on bag, and was there for two hours.

Really upset. That's one thing that really upset to you, isn't it? You hate carrying a coat. I hate carrying a bag, and I hate having to have a coat with us. And I don't know why. I hate it. I love it, me.

I remember kids who used to come to school. Did you have, like, I used to go to school with a massive fucking bag. Stupid, stupid, stupid bag. Some kids would come to school with nothing, just a pen in their pockets. Oh my God. And I'll be like, you fucking legend. Do you remember the lads who used to come to school and girls actually just with no? Yeah, you're right?

Didn't give a fuck. Like, where was their stuff? Just carefree, didn't give a shit. Obviously not on PE days. I mean, you know. God, I had so much stuff. You're totally right. I actually, have we not got bad shoulders.

I have got bad shoulders. Have you? Do you think it's off carrying really heavy bags? Don't know. Do you know Carl Hutchinson needs to do two bags at school? Of course he did. Two bags. One with all his books in, one of these other stuff in. Yeah. Of course he did. Two bag. I've seen, he's always, he's always got, oh, course he was.

Was he actually head boy? He's being head boy at every school he was in. What a guy. So is Angela, my best mate, Angela? Yep. Couple of kiss arses. Honestly. What an absolute. That would be over it, I'm where we wouldn't have a pretext.

I'm just, I was, excuse me? Excuse me? I was a prefect. Well, you fuck. Yes. Have we talked about this? Yes, you know, I was a prefect. I was the first prefect in my family.

All right, yes. Possibly the still reigning prefect. 100% of the only prefect to your family. 100%. I don't know. There's been ones past me, I think. But, oh yeah, I love being prefect. But I really wanted to be head girl.

I was desperate for it. What are they doing, though? Have we been over this? What does head boy and head girl do? Like, when to meetings and that? Oh, God. I don't know. I don't actually know.

I could ask Angela. or they're not allowed to tell us that the thing Is that what time is it? I should be at a stupid job You hate that your friends work full time Oh God honestly I hate all my friends All my friends have got

serious school jobs And they can never have their phones And they can never talk to us And they can never text us back Until they're on that break Honestly I hate it so much I feel like the loneliest child The loneliest girl during the week

with no mates at all, all, all work in stupid schools. And then when they're off, on their holidays, they've got their stupid kids. And they have to say the stupid kids, because I haven't seen them

because of being a stupid work. Upsets her so much. Steph's to get in a full-time job. Yeah. See them? How dare she? Literally. I was like, well done,

but at the same time. How dare she feed her family on your time? Oh, honest to God. On your free time? It's just not all right, is it? I'm not having less life. They're all, why is all my friends teach us? Weird, isn't it?

It's odd that, yeah, it's odd that you not wrong with clever people. I don't know. Are they clever? Are they just blackers? I think they're just blackers. Do they just follow the rules? Maybe. No, they are clever. I take that back. Good. We had a fight about the jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle-Ding-Gong. So this is the jingle, Jing-Gong. We hope you like the jingle. Jing-Gong. Bab-do, bab-do, babo-da-da-ba-da. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married annoyed. We're both a bit groggy today, aren't we?

Do you know what? We had a little drink last night and we haven't been drinking much. Do you remember when we used to drink just every day? Do you know what it is? I might have to get back into it. Why? I feel like I'm out of practice. I had three pints last night on my little pint machine.

Love it, but it's dangerous having it in the house because ice cold fucking pints are coming out perfectly better than the pub. Oh, yeah. I mean I'm loving a little shandy. Little schooner shandy. Danger. Fucking danger. gorgeous.

Three actual, whenever I get a new keg, whatever that keg brand is, I buy all the pint glasses to go with it. Of course you do. So, yeah, because I'm an asshole.

I just love stuff like that. So I'm like full on Camden Hells, pints of Camden Hills last night. Three and I'm not a pint drinker. I didn't get any Camden Hell schooner glasses though. Pints fucking put me on my ass. And I had three and a half pint last night. Too much.

Too much liquid. We do me a favour? No. Yeah, when I'm away, if you remember, just every like three hours, send us a message saying,

Shandy. No! Set a fucking alarm on your phone. While you're sorry! While you're on a Hindu and I'm at home with the kids, you want me to text you every three hours saying Shandy.

Just if you remember? No! Alright, fine, fair enough. God, Jesus. Sorry, I'm asking you for a favour. What a stupid... You've got your phone, just set a reminder in your phone

and go off every three hours. Like, you know when you take aeroprofen and stuff? Uh-huh, right, okay. Well, all right, I will. Just because I'll get carried away. Guys, guys, can you imagine if I asked Rosie to do that while I was on a stag do? Can you imagine?

imagine the shit I would get. No, just if you remember, and if your message is going like, kids are fine, how are you? Just put at the end, Shandy. And I'll go. Do you know what'll happen? You'll have two wines.

I'll text Shandy and I'll get a text back going, why are you telling us what to drink? You're gaslighting is. You're trying to control us. No, it's more for me. It's for me. It's for me. Because I don't want to get carried away.

I've got the concert next week. I've got the GNA's concert. I've got over me life. And I just don't want to get carried away because I will lose my voice. Right, okay. So I'm tempted to take, you know how I got that steamer thing? I'm tempted to take us with us,

but I think I look like a nutter. Oh, I've bought a nebulizer. Yeah, what, that's been on the stairs for days. Yeah, it's just, for singers, it's just really good for your vocal cords. Just, are you saline with it or something? It's just going to be nebulizing me tits off. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, don't use actual tap water, you'll get ill. Right, why? Why is that? Because it's something like, do you know, you know, like, so you know, so I've seen a video with this one, so you know how you can, like, you can get a sinus cleaner, in your nose and you're squirt in.

Oh, yeah. Well, if you do that with actual, just normal tap water. Yeah. It can, like, you can end up with bacteria eating your brain and you can die. Yeah, don't just be fucking hoeing it inside your brain. You know, someone like this is, some, if you, if you jump in a, like, if you find a staggering pool somewhere and, like abandoned places, it can be like bacteria, in a coma.

Yeah. Great. What's a point. What a great way to die. Yeah. What a boring shitty way to die. I just did a belly flop and an abandoned pool. All right.

bye. Oh God. But yeah, I'm out of... Look at you yawning. Ah, God! I'm out of... And this sounds a really weird thing because everyone's, you know, millennials don't drink and everyone's trying... No, not millennials. Gen Z don't drink as much as millennials and everyone's trying to be a health kick.

But I'm out of practice with drinking and I need to get back in it because... No, don't do that. You're not hung over. I think we're just tired. Back in the gym. Well, that well... By a gym, I mean, bar. That's what's wrong with me.

Did I went in the gym this morning at 8 o'clock in the morning. Did a full workout. Did, like, use that. I saw them all. I use the, what's it called the bar? What's it called the bar? And I'm knuckered. I don't think endorphins that exist.

Everyone's like, endorphins, you'll be on to Cloud 9. I'm absolutely exhausted. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Big news. Exciting stuff. Right. Hold on to your tits, your fanny, your ears and your nostrils. Can't do them all at the same time.

Well, it doesn't matter then. Just hold on to summing. We used to do an extra episode of the podcast, fortnightly for subscribers. called Extra Extra where we did a game show. Should I do the thing? No, not yet. Not yet.

Fucking hell, you're giving away that I'm going to... So the thing I was going to say was we're going to do now and then a little game of extra extra. When I see some news and see if you remember it, when I see some news headlines that are... Extra, extra, read all the... What?

Why I look nice like that? It's not the bit. Oh. It's not the bit. Okay, I'll do it again. You've ruined it. No, no, I'll remember now. No.

No, come on. I know what it is. It used to be professional. I know what it is. Do it again. Listen. When I see some news headlines that are... Wacky-wack-you-do-da.

We'll have ourselves a little game of... Extra, extra read all about it. She's back in the saddle. She knows what's going on. What's your saying? That's enough. So we used to do this on an extra episode of the podcast, and we're just going to do it now,

because it was such a good, fun thing to do. We can give with different things to talk about. We're going to do it now and then, when I can be asked, on the main podcast. We always said... We always said that we would love to do it actually on the podcast because it's really interesting.

So we'll just do a little round of it now. Go on and explain the game. Are you all ready for? We've got to do it again. You've got to do it one more time. Extra, extra read all about it. There it is. Totally unnecessary.

A little bit on the end there. So Extra Extra is a game that I created and that is absolutely unlike every other game show ever. Brackett's a lot like nearly all of them. Where Rosie will be given three headlines. two are real, one is fake all are wacky waky doodoo

all are waky waky dood so play along at home very exciting times okay so I'm gonna read the three stories to you Rosie you're just gonna have to guess which one is the one made up by my head and which one are the two real

also waky waky doda headlines please they're not about space are they know how much I hate space everyone who was a subscriber you will know that anything to do with space made I literally want to cry just checking there's no space once you're over. Thank God for that.

Okay. You ready? Yes. Convicted murderer serving life sentence dies in jail is revived and then released because his life had ended. What? No. Say that again? Convicted murderer serving life sentence dies in jail is revived

and then released because his life had ended. No. Was that some sort of clause? So how long was he dead? So he died? They revived him. A man serving a life sentence without. parole for the murder of a rival gang member in 2003 has been released from a prison on a technicality. Diego Sanchez of LA suffered a cardiac arrest while in custody and was pronounced dead by prison

medical staff. Sanchez remained dead for almost four minutes until his heart began to beat again and staff were able to resuscitate him. Sanchez's lawyers launched an appeal claiming that his life sentence is over as he technically died. And the LA district county judge has ruled in favor of Sanchez who was released on Monday morning. No. No. Life sentence. over. No, he's still alive. He's still the same person. That is ridiculous. Died. Different life. Oh my gosh. See you in court. You could, there is probably some

sort of like technicality thing. Like to get, yeah. Shit. Lucky fucker. I mean, I think it's ridiculous. I'll hear the other ones first. This is what we do by the way. You've got to, you've got to listen to them all before you make your mind up because you're now going like me. You're going,

that's ridiculous. No way. That's the, that's the not real one. But then hear the here the other ones. Yeah. You know what I mean? Exactly. So. I'm just giving them an insight. Yeah, yeah. So keep that in your brain.

Say how you feel about that. Wait for the next one. Okay. For the next one. I am. Scientists discover water isn't actually wet. Brilliant. Brilliant.

So. Oh, by the way, they really irritate Rosie as well as she gets really upset. So I like to find ones that really upset you. I wondered why we were quite like happier in my marriage. It's because we don't do this anymore. I haven't been doing this. Why is it not wet?

It is wet. It is wet, though. It is wet. Well. Is it not wet? until you actually... Argument science? Take...

Hate signs. Great. Scientists define wetness as a liquid's ability to maintain contact with a solid surface, meaning that water itself is not wet but can make other objects wet.

Great. Water has the potential to make things wet because it can adhere to surfaces. But water itself is not wet because it does not interact with itself in the same way that it interacts with other surfaces.

Okay, now, do you see what I mean by what I said just two minutes ago? Suddenly... Did you go back on the streets? Suddenly, do you go back on the streets? Suddenly, Simply Diego being back in the streets is a highly plausible.

God, Diego. Right, you ready for the next one? Yeah. Missing drunk man spends hours helping search party look for himself. Brilliant. Yep, there we go. Again.

Diego must be enjoying. Being back at home, getting some home-cooked food. Freezing that free air, Diego. A missing man in Turkey accidentally joined his own service. party for hours before realizing he was the person that they were looking for, local media reports. The man had been drinking with friends on Tuesday when he wandered into a forest in the Bursa province.

When he failed to return, his wife and friends alerted local authorities and a search party was sent out. The 50-year-old then stumbled across the search party and decided to join them. But when members of the search party began calling his name, he replied, I am here. where would you have seen that who's doing why is that happening so what she's doing now everyone just to let you just to be very brief fourth wall here

just trying to work out what I've seen or done recently yeah that would sometimes I only win this game by knowing Chris's brain inside out so it's going to be a lot harder for you with whom I do apologize if we've watched something

or we've been somewhere yeah I honestly think Diego is living his life You think Diego's living his best life, okay. So which one do you think is fake, then? How long are you got to be missing? How drunk you've got to be to then join a search party?

And the people searching for him, they would have seen his picture and they would have known it was him. Maybe. Might be dark. No. Okay. I'm going to go rogue. Okay.

I think that's a fake one. Okay. I think water, I think some twat is going, this isn't actually wet. It's only wet. It's like what's that thing, what's that thing that they say about the towel? what? Something about dry What gets wet at the more dries?

Yeah. That's not, no, no. A towel? Yeah, but that's just a riddle. That's just a daft riddle. What gets wetter than more dry? What's black and black and white and red all over? No, not a stick.

No, what? That's what brown and sticky is. A newspaper. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Or a beaten up penguin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, penguin with its throat slit. Yeah. Throat was unnecessary. Okay. No, listen. I'm going to go rogue. It's the first time doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On the main pod. Yeah. Whether it stays or not, I might be utter garbage. I'm going to say Diego's home. Yeah. With his farm. Freedom!

Yeah. Murdering again, probably. Yeah. And I think water isn't really wet. And I think the drunk Turkish man. You think that's the fake one? Yes. Right, so you think,

yeah, okay. Yeah. I can reveal to you that you are fucking wrong. Oh, okay. Diego won Made up Diego made up Thank God for that

Imagine if Diego had murdered your whole family and the fuck guy dies for four minutes and he gets let out I'd be seething I'm glad actually

that's cheate You know what I'll take the miss I'll take the loss For the fact that I'll sleep better at night Yeah so missing drunk man 100% true

And water not wet 100% true Technically depends how you define wetness But yeah 100% Very annoying But true Right

So there we go Diego Sanchez Also for the For the keen listeners among you, Diego Sanchez, you will know a thing I do quite a lot. Diego Sanchez is a UFC fighter. So, retired. I knew I thought I recognized his name. So there you go.

Boom. That was... What was he? Extra. I don't know what you catchphrase I'm doing. That was extra extra extra. Extra, extra read all about it. We'll be back with you in a couple of weeks.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health. From the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer.

The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan, live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. It's time for what's your beef. What's your beef. Beef.

Beef, beef, beef, beef. I've got a short and sweet one, actually, so can I go first? Yes. You said to me one of the worst sentences. Sad, one of the saddest sentences I think you've ever said to me the other day. Okay.

Made us really sad. Aw. Just didn't realize, didn't realize this was who I'm married. Right. You said to me the other night, worst question I've ever been asked. Chris, do you think I can deliver rue a packet of crisps?

Shameful. just shameful Why is that shameful? I know you weren't You wanted someone to come Either on a bike, Nackhead or in a car Carbon Footprint

To bring you One packet of crisps No I'd have got a big bag Oh, Mully Pack Oh it's fucking fine then I'd have got a big bag And I had a tip A tip drivers and that

Right yeah yeah no Isn't that the whole point In Deliveroo? Isn't that the whole point I'm not I'm not being funny though Isn't that the whole For ease Do you think they'd be happy

A packet of crisps Well I'm sorry Right But I think that's the whole point In the service And actually they would be sad if they thought that I was like

oh no I'm not going to get they'd go that's what it's for Rosie it's for you to not have a go at the shop it's for you know your kids are in bed you fancy a pack of Chris

but you're being good and there's not in the house I'm sure I had a drink so I couldn't drive to the shop I can't remember I ended up walking up the shop for you because I was so well and that's love

but you've took money out of their pockets just know that I honestly that's the whole don't try to don't shame at me just seems odd

Not, why? Because you live in a world You make things up in your head. Hello, Domino's, what would you like? I get a delivery please, yeah, would you like? Can I have one bit of pepperoni please? Yeah, no problem, it's on its way. No, right, I'm sorry.

Well, maybe next time if I want some crisps, I'll put a row, a couple of packets of bloody soup and noodles in or I'll do some tins of tuna. Do you know what I mean? Tuna, soup and a pack of crisps. The deliver-roo of a hundred of a student. I just... Disgusted.

You live in a world with some things. Is that upset you that shouldn't upset you? That's mad. Just felt odd. But again, me mately, the day, he got a Greg's delivery and he lives,

I'm not joking, he lives 200 yards from Gregs. I was mortified. Okay. I'm sure Gregs don't mind. Yeah. Well, if I was the drive, I'd have fucking threw it in his face,

called him a lazy prick and walked off. Oh, they'll keep their job, yeah, definitely. Well, good. I've got a beef with him. Yes. And it's, three little words. Yeah.

Yeah. And I don't want to be nasty. I love you. No. Carpal. Yeah. Tunnel. Yeah.

Oh, me illness. Yeah. Yeah. So Chris got, is it, are you diagnosed with it? Yes. Diagnosis. Chris got a diagnosis last night of carpal tunnel syndrome. Both hands.

Both hands. So you literally. Borrowed time. Liven on borrowed time. You bombarded through. I'm so glad my mom was here last night, by the way. So Chris bombarded through the house. Literally.

Barged. Bombard? Bombarded through the house? Well, I don't know. I don't think that works. Bombarded? If I come in, if I burst into the house

and bombarded you with facts would be a thing. Right, okay. Yep, yeah. That's what you did. Come on then. And you came in and announced, I've got carpal tunnel syndrome. I have to get both hands operated on

at the same time. To which my mom, thank the Lord, said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Chris, okay, you can't get them both done at the same time. Right. just say as well, I don't want to slag off private healthcare,

but you went private for this, right? Because you obviously needed to know straight away. Time is money. Time is money. I'm on board time. I haven't got long left. Like, did they say it to you straight away? That's what you have to get. First thing he said, surgery, he said, get surgery, both of them.

I feel like they might just be trying to get some money. Get some money out of you. He doesn't do the surgery. The guy who checked it doesn't do the surgery. Someone else does at a different place. Okay, but he might get a backhander. Do you reckon? Not off me.

My hands are fucked. I'm not having anyone anything Because my mum said to get the steroid injections first I'm sorry this is a boring conversation No so what happened was I immediately said I was going to have Both done exactly the same time And you immediately went

How does that affect me in my life Not will this improve Chris's quality of life To which my mum said Thank God she was there Love at the death How you can't like survive Right You wouldn't even be able to wipe your own backside

Which is when I look at you lovingly and said in sickness and in hell. You can get one done at a time, so at least you've got one hand. But then I'll be out of commission for fucking 12 weeks. You're not going to be out of commission. You can do stuff with one hand.

I can't wipe my ass on my left hand, so I'm not going to be able to do that anyway. I'm not wiping your ass. I'm absolutely not right by my ass. At that altar, you looked in my eyes and you said in sickness and in health. Sickness, brackets. I don't like that vow.

I think that's the stupidest vow ever. I think they need to get rid of that. Oh, you think you get rid of that. Oh, you think you're going to get ill. you'll be fine but I will have a boyfriend on the side I will look after you just and are you okay with your carpool tunnel

yeah do you know what's really weird so any I don't know if I've mentioned it that much have I mentioned it basically I'll wake up in the night I mean hands on no not on the podcast I genuinely don't know if I've mentioned it that much on the podcast Well fuck me guys

It's all you talk about Brilliant all you talk about I wake up my hands on numb And I couldn't work out what it was from And I was thought it was because of something in my neck when you horrifically gave us a fright when I was on PlayStation VR years ago when my arms went numb.

Apparently that's like minor. The nerves in the hands are the ones I've done it. But weirdly, since I found out last night that it was the hands, I've been able to manage it easier because I haven't been fucking around with my neck. I've just been going, okay, but be there on somewhere else.

Do you think that you haven't got it? No, I've definitely got it. You put electrodes on us and everything. I know. It was mad. He put like needles in my arms, in my muscles, which he found immediately.

He said they were massive, and he bent the needles and everything. said, you an athlete. I was like, of course. And then he put, like, a needle in me on, and then he was like, you have to, like, tense this way. And as you're tense, the fucking computer goes wild. Because the electric, it's mad the stuff that can do.

Mad. No, I don't want to be a bitch. It is. I'm glad that you've got the root of it. Yeah. But please don't get, this is me beef. Get them both done at the same time. Do not get them done at the same time.

Bang, in and out. Bang, in and out. It's lit. My mom said it's like six weeks of recovery because my mom has had it. Right. Name things I can't do. What? Without hands.

Name things I can't do. Right. You can't cook anything. Brilliant. That's why you're here. You can't put the kids in the bath. You can't make any of your teeth. You can't even make a coffee.

You can't pour yourself a drink. You're there. There's very little you'd be able to do. You're there. You're there. Then there's Rosie. I'm not going to be there all the time. You can't be there.

Chris. I'm not. Right. I don't want to get in an argument. I'm not going to be there all the time. Just get them done in separate times. Thank you. Thank you.

Feed me. No. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, shagmoneynaud at gmail.com. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

I'm a fairly new listener at the podcast. Have I not really been a fan of podcast before. However, after listening with my husband, I've become a big fan of yours. Thank you very much. Welcome and thank you. In recent episodes, Rosie has really inspired me. Oh, God.

What could this possibly be? I have never... It's not going to be what you're thinking. At first I read it and I thought, oh my God, what have I done? But then I was... Yeah, it's going to be bullshit. It's not great.

It's going to be bullshit. I have never really felt comfortable pooing in public. And what... There it is. I thought it would take longer than the first five words to just be proven.

how much bollocks it is, but yeah, fine. But, you know, every little biggie. I've got to leave me mark on the world somehow. And I would avoid it at all possible. If I really had to go, I would go to the end stall, put toilet paper in the bowl to dampen the sound, whatever I could do. Whatever I could do so people wouldn't know I was taking a shit.

However, after hearing Rosie talk about how she doesn't care and will happily go anyway, I just thought, you know what? Fuck it. What's the big deal? Honestly, guys, like, seriously, yeah. Yeah, like, who cares? Even though if I go into a toilet if someone who's had a shit, I am... Oh, yeah.

Disgusted. Oh, yeah, I'm mortified. I hate me life. I'm literally, if I go in the toilet and someone's actually used the toilet for what I should be for. I'm like, how much animal! What animal has defecated in this toilet,

which is clearly not for that. I'm so judgmental. I'm just as judgmental as if I was if I found a shit in like a water fountain, like a drinking fountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite.

We know this. Anyway. So the other day when we were out eating in a restaurant and I felt a slight urge to go, I got up with my new unbothered attitude and went to go poo. Brilliant. And you know what?

I felt liberated. Brilliant. I walked out a new woman who can take a shit anyway. Well done. Genuinely really proud of you. I'm proud of you. I felt free. Now this is where the term of Rosie Ramsey comes in.

When I got back at the table, as I sat down, I sent my husband, I just did a Rosie Ramsey. Oh yeah, I'm having that I hope this catches on. He immediately knew what I meant and so the next time I had to go I said the same thing so now when either of us

needs to go while we're out we'll say we need to do with Rosie Ramsey I hope you don't find this too gross and that's absolutely fine and I can take pride in the fact you've helped a woman out so thank you Rosie for the freedom to take shit

and that's my legacy they'll remember you they'll remember you Mary Curey Joan of Arc Rosa Parks Rosie Ramsey

There it is There it is Shitting in public With all the confidence Of me Of Rosie Ramsey Wow So there we go

Yeah Okay I'm more so you know what it is I wouldn't I wouldn't force one out But don't make yourself comfortable Like uncomfortable If you really need to go

Do I mean But don't just be Don't just be shitting everywhere Babado babado babo babo Speaking of shit Hi, Chris and Rosie. Really quick one. Listening to Rosie

saying she struggles with spelling diarrhea, I really do. That's a nightmare. My dad once told me a lad in his street took a sick note into school saying that he had been unwell

due to having two thoughts and a splash as his mother couldn't spell diarrhea. Two parts and a splash. Because you couldn't spell diarrhea. Because you couldn't spell diarrhea. I know. Two forts and a splash. Two forts and a splash.

Wow. Because you couldn't spell. Spell dial. Because yeah, because if you didn't have a dictionary in the house. No, I know. Before Google, before phones. Yeah, what the fuck? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

Hey, Georgia here, listening from Texix. Texas. Texas? Texas? Yeah. I would love to go to Texas. Yeah. So on me list.

Yeah. I mean, it's massive. Yeah. It's like, I'm sure it's like the size of the United Kingdom. Like, it's fucking huge. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Well, well, we'll find out a nice bits of it.

Yeah. There's some cool cities in that, apparently. So I've finally being able to watch the taskmaster And I'm sorry Chris But I started with Rosie's series I'm only on episode one And y'all are about to do the Doing the cool tasks

And I'm not sure if this is being said But Rosie, why did you not take the opportunity The Yodel? Right Are you mad? I was waiting for it What a miss sis, anywho Like the idea of the fish tank So I just want to let you behind the scenes a little bit

And this is a bit of a If you haven't seen episode one then turn off and out The reason I didn't yodel is because the only way I can yordle is to actually sing yordling songs and Channel 4 couldn't cover the yodling song so I was going to yodel

so I was going to yodel but I didn't have the copyright to cover the no because the only way I know how to yoke shall I do it? I haven't done it for a while has it going to cost for money no not us I don't think maybe and he taught me to yodel with

ill radio ill radio he laeo he lae dee oh he laudy and he taught me to with I loiree o'u lae lae dee o'lei dee o'lei o'i o'i'i o'i o'i o'i o'i o'i'i'i'i who i mean it is genuinely awful in it like to listen to genuinely painful. Have you ever heard like really amazing yordling? Like it's like That's like, it's awful. It's awful.

It sounds like someone being waterboarded. Stop. Stop. Just, I'm, Chris. I'm really good at it. It sounds awful. Imagine them doing it around the mountains in that way. It's fucking bouncing off the mountains.

It's ego in so you get to hear it fucking twice. I love it. I love it. So that's why I didn't do it on Tasmoster. I was desperate to do it. Right. But then I didn't. And yeah, sad about that.

Sad times. But I don't know if they like people to sing. On Tasmaster. Fans. Well, no. Well, I think Greg, the taskmaster, Greg, he doesn't. He says they're always quite, when people show that they can sing, they're always quite cocky with it.

But he said that you weren't. You like my singing. Yeah, he said that you weren't last week with you. But I think it was just because it was about barbecues. That'll be right. But you did really well this week. Haven't that done well? Haven't that actually done well?

Yeah, really well. You know what is I completely forgot to do the leader board this week, so I'll do it next week. Oh, come on. You're still definitely not anywhere near me, but, you know, I'm still. winning in the family but you're doing well yeah, second in the series so far you're doing very

very well. Imagine if I win. What would you do? I win. There'd be fucking hell on it. I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you that right now. So yeah, it's just a really good series. I just love it. You were actually cry and laughing at a part of this

episode. Oh my God. Where you and Matthew and fatia had to do the home video it was phenomenal. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I laughed so much. It hurt me through and I had to pause it. It was absolutely fantastic. And it's so mad

because I don't know if you guys won't know this, but you genuinely only get like 30 minutes to do it. Like that's all you get and when you do it, it's so off the cuff. And you forget them all and you do shit loads in the day. Shit loads of tasks in the day. You do five, six, seven tasks a day. It's madness. But don't use some of them. No. It's nuts.

Yeah. It's just brilliant. Love and watching it back. Well done. Well done. Thanks. On game day, pain can hit hard and fast, like the headache you get when your favorite team and your fantasy team both lose. When pain comes to play, call an audible with Advil plus acetaminopin and get long-lasting dual-action pain relief for up to eight hours. Tackle your tough pain two ways with Advil plus acetaminopin. Advil, the official pain relief partner of the NFL. Ask your pharmacist at this product's rate for you. Always read and follow the label.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a would you rather, but it's based on real events, so let me give you the backstory. Oh, wonderful. Last week I was in Cyprus as my father had a heart attack whilst on holiday there. So my sister... What? Well, listen, so my sister and I flew out to see him and look after my mum... Right, sorry.

So he, the mom and... Right, that makes sense. Sorry. The dad had a heart attack. Right, I thought they just went there every now and then because he'd had a hot attack there and they liked it. Oh, no, I don't think so. Right, okay. No, you had a heart attack while they were there.

for support. Yeah. Make sense now. Apologies. Sad times. Horrible. He's fine now, by the way. Brilliant.

That's all. That's great. That's great. That's a relief. Whilst in hospital, he couldn't get out of bed. So he was having to do his business in a bed pan. So as you can imagine,

after a couple of days, he wasn't feeling his freshest. So he asked my ma'am to bring some wet wipes and stuff to clean himself with. That evening, we arrive and we turn around whilst he uses the wet wipes and then a sponge to clean himself up before handing it back to my mother. On the sponge is a bunch. be like that

I'm just preparing myself on the sponge is a big skid mark but we say nothing and mom just washes it out as a caring partner that's nice isn't it that's sweet however if he had carpal tunnel and he got both his hands done

I bet she'd look after him I am not not not if it's something that you can not do at the same time do not you fucking dig if you come in with both of them done at the same time I will lose my mind what if I fall what if I fall

and they both end up getting done when I fall over. Have you ever watched Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Like, have you ever watched the operation? No, but there was a poster yesterday in the place where I was getting my little nerve tests. There was a poster on the wall, and it was basically all wrists and pulled back in tendons and all these things on the wall.

And my exact words were, what a horrifying poster you've got on your wall. You're fully awake, and the drain all of the blood out of your wrists so that it's like, so there's no blood at all so they can see everything. if you know what I mean. Like, imagine.

Like, dry, dry. Why try to put us off? And you're fully away. Why are you so desperate to not wipe my ass? I don't understand. I'm not wiping your ass. I've worked in a elderly care.

Oh, so you'll wipe strangers' asses for money. No. But you won't wipe your husband's out of love. You're sick. You're sick. Got the frighten me life, you know, the first old man penis I've seen. Literally, I was, I didn't...

Obviously, you know what you've got to do, but when it actually happens, I was mortified. It was... Don't slag off on old man's penis. I'm not. I can't have it. I can't have it. I don't want it to be described.

You just weren't a fan. Well, I was young though. When we're both old, I won't mind. Right. Because I'll have an old vagina. We'll be all these old genital friends together. Do you know what I mean? Friends.

But it was awful. It's horrible. So there's a skid mark on the sponge. Yes, sorry. Okay. Let's get back. Let's get back. Get back the skid mark sponge.

Come on. Come on. Hey, don't use it on your face. shit on it. There it is. However, just after rinsing it, he asked for it back and then proceeds to wash his face with his. Oh my God, I just said that! The look on my mom and sister's face was priceless. Why would it do your face

first, man? Listen, he's just give the poor bloke a break. The next day, I'm at my parents' apartment in Cyprus, having a shower and I use a different sponge that's in there to wash my own face with. A lot of sponges in this. These people in this one story have got more sponges than I own. And why when anyone say a sponge

can all I think of is just like, you know, the cloth sponge that we use, the little ones. I can't imagine, like, why have people got, who's using sponges still? If you wipe your ass, if you wipe your ass with the wrong end of that, oh, with the one that you're used for getting, scoury bit. Yeah, get scrambled eggs off a pan.

Yes. Kidners, aren't you? Yeah. So it uses a different sponge to wash his own face with. Yeah. I'm then joking with my mom and sister about how I nearly gagged after it jogged my memory about Dad's skitter sponge.

This is when my mother tells me that the sponge I used was the one she actually washes her fanny with. So my question to you, Anyways, would you rather use your dad's skidder sponge that you'd washed out yourself or your mom's fanny sponge that you hope she's washed out as she used?

Fucking hell man. So what would you rather? I would definitely rather my mom's fanny sponge because I just feel like it would be cleaner. It's got to be the fanny sponge. Yeah, it's a fanny sponge. I don't want to, dad. And I think it's because you can see the shit.

Yeah, exactly. And it's going to get in the little holes of the sponge. Who's got, what year is it? Who's got sponges in the shower? What you're doing, man? Awful. Get a black light on that fucker and then, oh, use your hands?

And then wash your hands? What, what, you is it? I'm really upset by this. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo, babu, bah. Hey Chris and Rosie, hope you both. Well, just email and say, I remember the chip panfire. We saw it on a trip with the brownies

to the fire station. But also, did you guys get a visit to a thing called Safe Drive, Stay Alive? Don't know if it was a Scottish initiative or not. No. No, I don't. don't remember that. It might just be in Scotland.

We went with the school, and it was a day of listening to speeches from the emergency services and watching footage slash reenactments from awful car accidents. They even brought a guy out in a wheelchair who had to talk the audience through his talking machine.

I'm not sure what they're called. Might have been, you know, what they're called? When it's on your throat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't I remember the name? I don't know. Or a thing that he presses like... Oh, might be.

Yeah, yeah. It was about the time he got hit by a car, very sad. God. He was talking about how lonely his life was now. And then they started playing Lonely by Acon. Going fuck off. And everyone was crying with him.

Needless to stay, see, we all went back to school, totally dropped. So while, no, that's dreadful. While he was talking and telling his story of being run over. A horrible story. Yeah, yeah. They put it back and tried. They put a bed on. Lonely, I am so lonely.

leaving them all. I mean, I'm in two minds here because one, it's done the job, obviously. It has absolutely done the job because they were traumatised and they were all crying. It's hit than... Music's really powerful, you know.

Nah, but I hope they okayed it with them. I hope they didn't just knock it on when he was just like, you know, you might be an actor. Yeah. Did you ever get people coming in and pretending to be things? Maybe we did,

I can't remember off the top of my head. Ah, I remember, like, now and then, like a couple of, like, amateur, dramatic things where they go around and do, like, plays and stuff. Oh, yeah. Like, nothing that jumps out. If there was a fucking chip panfire in the school, I will 100% remember that.

I can't believe you never had that. Definitely didn't have that. So sad. You really should have, you know. But what, what? Ask us how many houses are burned down for chip panfires in school? How many houses you burned down? None. so...

Yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it later in life. Yeah. Air fry as I solved all that shit. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Rosie. Longtime listener here.

Listening to the podcast recently got me thinking about a situation that I had blocked out from my childhood. I think this one will be a good Rosie's mysteries. Mysteries, mysteries. Okay.

So when I was younger, I had a friend, let's say Sarah. Okay, that's a friend. Everyone always goes with that. I know. It's always the girl's name that everyone picks.

Yeah. It's always. always the girl's name that everyone picks. Is that okay though? It's fine. Yeah. It's just always the girl's name that everyone picks. So let's say Sarah,

whose stepdad took us to his mom and dads for the day as they lived outside our little estate just for a ride out. Right. Okay. So Sarah's stepdad has took them to his mom and dads for a day out. The step grandparents. Yes. When we got the stepdad's mom and dads,

we entered the house. We were greeted as normal and they sent to the stepdad, let's call him Alan. Look on the fireplace, Alan. we've collected all these for you. To my shock, I seen what he picked up and started putting it in his mouth and chewing them like they were pork scratchings.

This is where you ask what they are. Okay? Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Look at all these, Alan. We've collected these for you. They're on the mantel piece of his mom and dad's house. He's immediately picked them up and started eating them or chewing them. Is he swallowing them?

Let me just chewing them. These, look at all these. So not look at all this. So my point is if it was like chewing gum that they just found places would be like, look at this but these indicates it's separate things. Is he like you?

Does he like chewing random plastic shit and they've found random bits of plastic for him? I don't know him personally. Right, but you know the fucking answer? I wouldn't be chewing these. You wouldn't be chewing these? No. I think you know. You just don't want to say

because you always get it right. You think I know? I think I know. I think I know. I don't think I do Dana? Come on Okay Ready?

I don't know Go on then They are toenails Go and piss off Was there no way that you guess there No I didn't go there Especially big toenails Because they are thicker

My friend's stepdad Had a thing for people's toenails In shock and disgust I couldn't believe my friends Nana and Granda cut their toenails And gather them for their son That is fucking vile That is enabling

that is perverted. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. I never looked my friend or stepdad in the eye the same again and still to this day

when I see him I can't get that picture out of my head. Other people's toenails. Well, maybe just theirs, I'm guessing. Other people's toenails. They're not him,

they are other people. Oh yeah, they're not his. They're his mom and dads, I think. Absolutely. Revolting. We've collected all these fours. you? Oh, I'm not cut them yet as our Alan wants, needs him a bit bigger than that.

Oh, God. Oh my God. No, I can't, no, sorry, can it come down to play five a side today, growing the old toenails for our Alan. He loves a good chump on them. The fucking dirty, horrible, twat that he is, I'm, I, nah. So there's something, you know,

when you think you do anything for your kids, there's a line, isn't there? That's just horrible that, like. I know, isn't it awful? But you know what, makes he's even, Like, why is he doing them? Why they're keeping them on the mantelpiece? That's just hitting us, by the way.

Sorry to interrupt there. Or they're on the mantel please. Oh, don't slam the fucking living room door too vigorously. Or the draft will blow all me toenails off the mantelper. Oh, were they lined up or then some kind of container? Listen, we're going to have to use your imagination there because I don't know how they are. In my eyes, they're lined up and they've gone from big to small and they're like, start with them. Small ones work away.

Them big and they go, son. Really good chew. Happy birthday. Yeah. Could you chew on someone else's toenies? I couldn't show my own fucking toenail. No. I don't like chewing nails.

It upsets us. Yeah, I'm not a nail bite there. I couldn't chew on yours. Right, you know what? You've upset me carpal tunnel. We hands are gone numb again. You have aggravated my carpal tunnel with your perverture. Oh no, for real, has it gone funny?

I think it's all in your head. Can you can carpal tunnel syndrome be in your head? I'm going to Google it. I don't believe so, yeah. Just can Carpal tunnel? You're forgetting. But you're forgetting that I've had the test and he said it is that. In your head.

Can you see, guys, the lengths she will go for me to not be in any kind of harm. Okay. Don't think it can. I think it is a thing. You think it is a thing. He guided the test. I didn't know about it. I don't know this guy.

It's weird now because I like, I'm being like really care. It's like nothing's changed since yesterday. All it's done is he's told us that it's carpal tunnel in my hands. But I'm being really careful with my hands. Yeah, I get that. It's annoying. But you've aggravated it with your... Oh, great. Sorry about that.

Sorry about that. Hey, well, I haven't had a good really revolting toenail story for a while on you. I know, I know. Back in this saddle! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Because we're on a roll, I've got another one for you. Whoa. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

Boy, oh boy, do I have a story for you? Come on! I've intended to send this story in for some time now as it is one that haunts me to this day. Love a boy, oh boy. And it's what I refer to as my shagged maridoid story. Ooh. This is probably the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me.

And this story has brought literal tears to the eyes of more than one person. Bigging up with it, but carry on. A bit of background. I grew up in the south of Norway, and we have an amazing zoo with a water park kind of attached to it. Jesus. In this water park, they have this lazy river. You know where everyone is bobbing around on inflatable donuts.

Yeah, yeah. This lazy river, however, also has this giant bucket filled with water that gets tipped every 20 minutes or so. Right. Giant, right? Yeah, yeah. Sending a big tidal wave down the lazy river. It's great fun.

Sounds amazing. Or at least it used to be. Oh God. One summer, when I was about 12 years old, I was in this water park with a couple of my friends. We were having a great time, and we decided to go to the lazy river in time for the next wave. We didn't have any...

We didn't have an inflatable donut with us, as you don't have to, and we preferred to swim without them. Oh. Yeah. I know. Right before the bucket is tipped, the lifeguards make sure everyone is behind a red line,

positioned at the safe distance, and by the time the bucket is about to be tipped, the area behind this line is, packed with people. Some with and some without the donuts. In this crowd of people, I got somewhat separated from my friends, so I was further ahead on my own.

The bucket started tipping, and the massive wave came rushing towards us, and we were all hoisted upwards. Unfortunately, I got trapped underneath all the inflatable donuts around me and was struggling to resurface. Oh, God. I know.

This was stressful enough on its own, but what happened next would taint my mind forever. Everyone around me was swimming and paddling to keep afloat. In front of me was an elderly man. And as I was stuck under the water, unable to resurface, I saw as if in slow motion,

his foot being kicked back as he was swimming. Before I could do anything about it, his mangy old toe snuck into my mouth and his crusty old nail sliced the inside of my lip. Oh God! That's disgusting. I finally managed to emerge from under the water

and quickly rushed to the exit where I found my friends, blood running from my mouth and in complete shock from what had just happened. Oh, that's so upsetting. I obviously rushed to the toilet to try my best to wash out my mouth. A couple of dollars kicked off again. I'm talking funny. I think I'm tense enough. It's horrible, isn't it?

Are you okay? So getting cut, like obviously, jih Tijuana, if people haven't cut their toenails of the fingers, you can get cut on someone's knee, and I had a cut on my shin off someone's nail and it was upset enough. The idea of someone's fucking toenail cutting it inside my mouth.

Why is it worse that it's an old man as well? No disrespect because I know it shouldn't be, but it is. But your toes, your toenails do get progressively worse with age. It's horrible. Like it's going to come to it all. But the fact of a monkey man's old toenail, and I'm sorry that's a man. He's not an old monkey, but it's in my mind.

He's just walked around a zoo as well, let's be honest. He's just walked around a zoo. Oh, he's at the water park, man. He's gone rogue. Oh, he's gone. No. I've gone all funny. It reminded me of like there is times in life where I've been swimming or whatever.

People's toenails have touched us in the water. Very upsetting. I thought she was going to say she was stuck underneath and she resurfaced in the donut with them. Oh, that would have been cute. That would be nicer, but no, much worse. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagammeran, I know it. I can't stay. I've got to go.

Tans got to be washed off. It's the hen dizzle tomorrow. Very excited. I'll see you saw next week. I'll say enjoy yourself, but I don't mean it. Shandy. Shandy. Say love you.

Thank you. That's all I'm saying. I'm not texting. It's ridiculous what you think this is. Guys, if you want to send anything in at all, at Shagmairodo at Jemann.com, we'll be back in years next week. Bye!

Bye!