Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 4. Don't touch my bum, I'm a celebrity Mum

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

This week on Sh**ged Married Annoyed, Chris & Rosie discuss Celeb Mum of the Year, people that wipe bogies on toilet walls and if it’s okay to have sex whilst listening to a podcast... it isn’t, it’s weird. Also Celebrity Chef Simon Rimmer gets in touch with a food based question for the couple. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed

with me, Rosie Ramsey, and this pillock sitting opposite is Chris Ramsey. What a fantastic introduction. Yes, hi, thanks for listening. This is episode four. And before we get started, obviously, a word from our sponsor. Don't know what to say. A word from our sponsor. No. This week's sponsor, I think you'll all agree, clothes have really hit the big time since last week. Jesus.

And I think you'll all agree, you know, we've time since last week Jesus and I think you'll all agree you know we've got some serious power we're changing the world here this week's sponsor is sleep oh Christ are you tired?

sleep oh God that's it that joke was three weeks in the making is that it? that's all I've got is that really that it. That's it. That joke was three weeks in the making. Is that it? That's all I've got. Is that really, that it?

Yeah, yeah. Some of you might have already experienced sleep. You might not know. You know when you go to bed? I was joking, I wasn't it. You know when you go to bed at night and you lie down and then suddenly it's the morning, you've been asleep. Can we stop?

Yeah, okay. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. You've been asleep. Can we stop? Yeah, okay. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle.

We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle. Here we are. Episode 4, Shag Mar, babadoo, bap. Jingle. Here we are. Episode four, Shag Married Annoyed, still going pretty well. So here we are still doing it. Still going, still happening, still here in the kitchen.

Thank you very much for listening. If this is the first one you listen to, why not go back and listen to the others? Yeah, why not? Yeah, I mean, it's not that there's a narrative we might mention. I've got a couple of things to bring up later on that have been mentioned in previous ones. You can't be backlogging, Chris. Hey, you know, we've got a couple of things to bring up later on that have been mentioned in previous ones. You can't be backlogging, Chris. You know, we've got a community going here. The stuff some of these people are emailing

me, it's frightening. I feel like I'm their therapist. I just want to clarify, actually, Chris looks after all the emails now since Devod got in there. Since Devod got in there and kicked right. I was at a gig yesterday. I did a gig yesterday. Was Devod? No, I spoke to a guy in the crowd yesterday at the gig and he said

something funny and i was like all right mate what's your name and he said david and it got like a massive laugh i didn't realize there was that many podcast fans in the crowd and he was like to the people who weren't there i had to like describe it and uh to who hadn't listened to it it was i had to describe it but it was uh yeah i just thought it was really nice that there was like a it was like a podcast centric heckle that was based i just thought it was really nice that there was like a it was like a podcast centric heckle that was based I just thought

it's the first time it's happened it's like so this doesn't feel like it's in the real world because we're sitting in my kitchen doing it but it's out in the real world

people are listening top of the charts babes top of the charts again definitely it's amazing so what's been happening to you this week anything you want to

tell us about well this week quite big news for me I am on the cusp of becoming celebrity father of the year Anything you want to tell us about? Well, this week, quite big news for me. I am on the cusp of becoming Celebrity Father of the Year. By default. Do you want to explain that? Because my wife, Rosie Ramsey,

also Rosie Mamsey, a.k.a. Chocolate Quilted Chit Pig, has been nominated for Celebrity Mother of the Year. Mental, year mental that in it it's crazy not in it sorry like not in a that sounds like yeah that's as soon as i said it i was like this is the kind of thing where if i'd said it at a party on the way home in the car you'd go remember when you said it was crazy you didn't believe in me at the time. There's two reasons why I find it ridiculous, right? One, I'm not a celebrity. I really don't think that I'm a celebrity. I guess I've got over 100,000 followers on Instagram,

but that is it. I am not a celebrity, right? Didn't take you long to mention that. Oh, shut up. I'm joking. Two, I'm not actually that good a man. Honest to God. Do you know, since I found out last week

I have been walking on edge shells around that kid I swear what do you think he's on the judging panel no just when we're out and about I'm like come on Robin come on oh put that down

no come on sweetheart come on when I'd normally be like put that down no oh I swear to god you will not be you're sleeping in the shed!

Just the normal stuff that I would do. I've been really trying really hard. So maybe if it's happened to me, there's a better mum. I don't know. If I win, it'll be a miracle. I mean, I definitely, you know, not trying to diss you here, but I definitely didn't feel like I was married to a celebrity mum of the year this morning when I was sweating, lifting him out of the car,

sprinting along the road to take him into nursery because you set your alarm this morning for half nine, not half seven. And I woke up at five past eight, 25 minutes before Robin leaves for nursery and just was like, I shook you. And I was like, it's five past eight. You were like, but I set my alarm for half nine.

Can we just talk about how much of a prick Robin is, though, this morning? Yesterday. That's a direct quote from Celebrity Mother of the Year candidate 2019. Please don't listen to Klaas Olsen, who was sponsoring the event. What a quote. And on being nominated, Rosie Ramsey was quoted saying, can we just talk about how much of a prick Robin is, brackets her son.

Keep it real, guys, keep it real. No, yesterday, yesterday on my getty up, my Sunday morning getty up, what time did you get up, Christopher? Yeah, he was up about six o'clock. Six o'clock. Today, Monday, back to the nursery, what time did you get up? Well, we had to wake him up at ten past eight. Prick.

What a prick. It's because I went out to see my mate at the theatre on Saturday night. And I had a couple of beers and I came in and it was like my lie-in. And yeah, he's got a thing with Sundays. I don't know what it is. I don't know. Because he knows he's a prick. He knows.

He's like, oh, hang on. This is a relaxing day for me mum and dad. This is the day that I should be lying in. Nah, half five, six o'clock. Morning! And he's such a prick. on this is a relaxing day for my mom and dad this is the day that i should be lying in now half five six o'clock morning and he's such a prick he peels your eyes open doesn't he and he puts the big light on horrible when he peels your eyes open and puts the light on it's it's the worst getting that bedside lamp yeah worst thing we've ever done in our life i swear to god prick but i love him so much.

And please vote for me as celebrity mum. Please vote for me to be celebrity mum. It's not even mum, it's mum. Celebrity mum of the year. I'll never win. I'm not bothered. It's a weird thing. I mean, I think,

I don't want to sound like a wet blanket here, but I think all mums and mams and mothers and ma's are brilliant. I think you just do a hard job. And I think it's, a hard job and I think it's I personally for me

I would vote for someone like you and this is going to sound ridiculous because I'm your husband but because you make it look not easy I can't speak

you make it look you make it look real is my thing it's because when when I'm screaming into the towel when you won't go in the bath nobody's there

so it looks mint I look like I'm doing a mint job but really I'm screaming into the towel, when you won't go in the bath, nobody's there. So it looks mint. I look like I'm doing a mint job, but really, I'm falling apart. I'm crumbling. Okay, Rosie Ramsey, this week, what's your beef? Well, Christopher, I've got a couple. So I'm just going to have to pick quickly. I'm just going to do a little bit. Pick your favourite.

Yeah, right. Brackets least hurtful one, please. I'm fragile today. Are you really? Nah, I'm alright. Well, right. Brackets least hurtful one, please. I'm fragile today. Are you really? No, I'm alright. Well, I'll pick this one. Christopher, my beef with you is that you eat so ridiculously fast. Like, it's horrible to watch.

It's horrible to be around. And if I'm totally honest, I'm sick of being left to eat by myself in a restaurant. Yeah, yeah. And now you're doing it to me and Robin and it's hurtful. So just to set the scene, we'll be eating a dinner, you know, whatever. Chris will finish in record speed. He'll then go and wash his face and his hands because he's a psycho. And he will leave Robin and I to dine alone. And then he will, about two hours later,

complain about the worst indigestion you can imagine. And I will always revert back to, well, maybe if you didn't eat your dinner so quick, you might not be feeling ill. So pack it in. It's been nearly seven years of this and I'm done. I know. I eat so fat.

I can't help it. I just want it over with. I don't know why so fat i can't help it i just want it over with i don't know why but i really enjoy it but i want to and then on the odd time when someone goes oh you know you're supposed to chew 30 times or whatever i chew 30 times and i go this is great because i'm enjoying the food more like i'm getting i'm getting more enjoyment out of it the next mouthful i'm just inhaling it again it's just it's weird to watch and then like robin started to do it honey robin eats? Robin eats so fast. Yeah. It's really... Actually, serious voice.

Yeah. You need to pack it in because it's not good. Well, there's a couple of good things about eating, in my opinion, about eating fast. This is why I like doing it.

I eat fast. It's gone. I can go and quickly wash my hands and face and I can move on with my day. And also, if I finish first, I can then sit like a dog staring at your plate

and hopefully get... And then I always have to give you bits. Yeah, hopefully get a little bit of leftovers. Wow. A little tea and a half. It's not good, babe. Do you remember before we went to New York and I ate pasta too fast at my mum and dad's? And you thought you were having a heart attack?

That was a great night. The night before we were going away for a lovely trip to New York, Chris thought he was having a heart attack. Didn't put a dampener on it at all, to be honest. Actually, no, didn't I take a picture? Because we went all out for this trip. We got business class and everything, didn't we? It was amazing.

But you had to have an orange juice. You couldn't have the fizz. I couldn't have the fizz. Because you still felt ill. I remember as the woman was coming round, literally asking if you wanted any pyjamas. I was like, can I have champagne? Because I think I'm having a heart attack.

What do I do? She did not, like, she went over and above the first class service there, like. But then I'm sure she said that she had a heart attack and she hadn't realised and she'd went to the hospital like weeks later and I went, you know, you had a heart attack. Oh yeah, she helped. She helped the situation.

I remember that now. I remember being really angry at her, actually. Because that was your thing for the rest of the holiday. That woman had a heart attack, you know, she didn't even know. Why don't you marry her instead? And then when we went to watch the UFC in Madison Square Garden, I was miraculously okay, wasn't I? Oh my gosh, yes!

It cured you for about three hours. You had about four of them massive pints. And then when we got back to the hotel, you were poorly again. Yeah, it's just, you know. Magic. Magic square gardens. That's what you call it. Magic square gardens.

Right, what's your beef with me? Because I don't think you're going to top that. Okay, so again, I've got a couple here. Little beefs written down. Just want to let you know, we don't ever know what these are, by the way. Yeah. So we keep these secret. I mean, I've always got couple here, little beefs written down. Just want to let you know, we don't ever know what these are, by the way. So we keep these secret. I mean, I've always got an inkling.

I mean, last week you'd done us with that tennis snore and that was... That was great. A lot of messages of other people who do that as well. Yeah, but they didn't have a name for it, which was crazy, which is, you know, you've named it. You should pattern that. We should get T-shirts and that made. I should, shouldn't I?

Yeah. 40 love question mark exactly midnight juice oh stop it stop

my beef with you is and I'm picking from your list here your current catchphrase round the house

mainly in the kitchen that does me nothing bin stinks ding ding ding 10 points for state in the kitchen. That does me nothing. Bin stinks. Ding, ding, ding. Ten points for stating the obvious, Rosie Ramsey. That bin stinks.

Now, just to set the scene here, I will open up the drawer that the bin's in, the sort of cupboard drawer thing. I'll open the lid on the bin, which is inside there now, because we're double-layered now, because the first bin stunk so much. So we've now got a bin with a lid inside a cupboard that is basically meant

to be the lid anyway. I'll put rubbish in it. I'll close the bin. I'll pot her around. She will just appear at the door. Just burst in the door like a sitcom. Like a sitcom character walking in and saying their catchphrase. You burst in the room and go bin stinks.

I know the bin stinks. It's got all of what, it's a receptacle for all of our waste and shit from around the kitchen. It stinks. It really makes us upset though. Like honestly, if that bin is opened and I come in, it's just, it does stink. It really stinks.

Oh, there we go. She's doing it. She's doing it. You're getting it firsthand. She's doing that catch race. Well, I've got a really, really strong sense of smell, haven't I? Yeah, you've got dog smell. You know, like, if your feet smell, I know straight away.

I know pretty, almost straight after that, I know. Because I get shouted at. I can't bear it. You know, in like a binman van. What are they called? A binman van? A bin... What are they called? The bin know when like a binman van, what are they called? A binman van? A bin... What are they called?

The binlorries. The binman van. No, there's two. There's the binman van and there's the binlorry. The binman van is the van that takes the binman to work and then the binman

will get on the binlorry and then they go to work. That is expensive. No wonder we pay so much council tax. Carbon footprints off the charts. Ridiculous. We need more binman. Bring a binman van. Do you mean the charts. Ridiculous. We need more bin men. Bring a bin men van.

Do you mean the bin, Laurie? No, no, the bin men van that you bring all the bin men in to come and get all these bins. Sorry, bin people. Sorry, bin people. Bin people, come on. I have never seen a female bin man.

Yeah, because we've got crazy sense of smell. We couldn't do it. I've never, ever seen one. Email shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com if you are a female bin man, bin person, bin woman. I couldn't do it. I've never, ever seen one. Email shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com if you are a female binman, bin person, bin woman. I couldn't do that. That's the one job I could not do. Bin lady.

That, or cheese factory, or like the cheese counter in the supermarket. I love that you said that's the one job I can't do, then you've just started listing numerous jobs. All the jobs that I couldn't do. So yeah, that's your catchphrase. The bin stinks. I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a bin made of flowers, a poor, purey, cast bin. I think we actually need a bin probably about four centimetres deep and then just empty it every ten minutes. Yeah, you want your bin to be a yoghurt pot. Yes.

That would be good. So before we get into the questions proper this week from you lovely listeners, I've got a few that just sort of, some hangovers from last week that people have chirped in with. We have changed lives Rosie. This podcast has changed

lives. Right. Yeah. Hi Chris and Rosie. Myself and my husband love listening to your podcast. After listening to your chat about holding in farts, I've decided to stop holding in farts. We have been together for nearly nine years. Five years married and two years, sorry,

and two babies later, I only fart in front of my husband when I was pregnant when it slipped out. But now we just go for it. Oh, I'm so glad. Yeah, honestly. That is the sound of your bum cheeks rattling together as the air passes out i'm so proud of you well what's her name uh her name is anna anna well done well done anna i mean i don't know what to say i mean i don't know if your husband's over the moon he might be gutted apologies if the husband isn't

although i think there'll be a bit of a relief for him as well. Possibly, yeah. So well done. Well done. You saved the NHS a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah. You think I'm joking?

I'm being serious? You know, crippled bowel pains. You've been holding your farts in love. Yeah. Right, that's going to cost us £90 billion. Rosie doesn't work for the government. That's just a guess. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Rosie and Chris I'm just going to round it up do we think that children should be invited to weddings wow I think it's a total personal thing we had kids at ours during the

day but then on the night time we requested that they all fuck off because we didn't have a child then and I've got nephews and I've got cousins with kids and I absolutely adore them I still do now

and I wanted them there during the day but I was very much like no not on the night time not having kids sleeping on chairs and stuff like that

it's a bit yeah it's a bit Butlins at midnight isn't it where they're just sleeping on chairs with coats over them and stuff well i just don't think you as a parent now as well you don't enjoy yourself when your kids when you when you've got a little kid in the day at a party i don't i'm not relaxing i don't relax yeah not at all and you don't enjoy it as much and i wanted everyone to just have a really good time so i was like right ship them off um i actually get a little bit annoyed at dinner about you when Robin is invited

and you think I'm like well he's not coming yeah I know what you mean I'm not going to win this award no you're not no you have taught yourself out of this award

maybe we should make this episode 5 once the results have happened honestly yeah I know exactly what you mean it's when people go do you want to bring

Robin to this party and I go okay cool will there be alcohol and stuff and all the other adults yes there will be yeah well he's not coming he's not coming he's not coming because i'm gonna have an adult time here i'd rather i'd rather go somewhere honestly i'd rather go somewhere else with him during the day and miss the wedding than go then take him somewhere where it's not suitable for kids i agree yeah but i think you know there comes an age though when

they are great yeah do you know what i? I'd say like five or six upwards. They're probably mint. They can stay up a bit later. They'll be enjoying it. They can have a little dance and all that, and I get that. But toddlers and babies, I just think, don't do it. I'm thinking more for the hangover. I'm thinking more for the hangover.

You bring the kid to the wedding. Yeah, the kid can see. The kid's there. Oh, you're taking the kid home. You two are drunk, and you're taking your kid home. Your kid's up at six o'clock. Sunday morning special. Robin.

Yeah, I know. They don't know what a hangover is. They just wake up buzzing off yesterday. Mm-hmm. Oh. Full of sugar. Full of the sugar that you've given them to try and keep them pleased. Yeah.

You know what annoys me? What? People who come round to your house, right, with their kid on a day that your kid's out. Oh, yeah. So you go, oh, yeah, Robin, whatever, go out on a day that your kid's out. So you go, oh yeah, whatever, go out with your nana and grandad today. Go on, have a lovely day. And then someone pops in with their kids and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Step back off the threshold of this house. This has been booked in for weeks. He is at the beach with his nana and grandad. This is a child free day. Get your kid off my premises. I'm tipping my pants off.

If I have to, I'll tip my pants off. Get your child out of my house now. They can sit outside. They can play with the wood at the bottom

of the garden from your fire. We're not going to have any mates left. Do you know that? Nah. And you're definitely not winning this award.

I've got an email here and this is just I mean it's so open ended it just says hi guys hope you're all doing well I'm wondering if you can help how can you tell if someone is into you or just being friendly

how can you tell if someone's into you like if they're flirting with you or see this is going to irritate me because I can't bear people who don't know the difference between someone being friendly and someone actually flirting with good right okay so you can't bear all men ever basically because men don't know as a man i'm telling you right now we don't know how not i'm telling you the woman could be naked motorboating boobs in your face and literally taking your pants off and you could be like oh goodness me

work colleague what's all this about you're friendly sometimes we can't read the signs we can't read the subtle signs we don't know what sometimes we don't know

what's going on wow that's why that's why blokes make dicks of themselves so often that's why blokes go in for the kiss

and they go whoa what are you doing that's why the most popular phrase is I've got a boyfriend because blokes just don't understand we are stupid hit quite a large nail on the head there actually yeah we're idiots yeah yeah women can get them because they're the ones who make these subtle this ridiculous subtle little game of bloody cluedo that you play we're just more switched on if i'm honest we're just more in the world i think

we'd watch things i had like i see so many things then i'll see i'll mention it you have to get did you see that and you're like what yeah i'm like did you have your eyes open at all on the way home from a party you have to explain that we were both at two different parties yeah yeah i'm like did you hear them say that and did you see that and you were like no i don't know why man it's like jesus married a gnome sits on the peripheral i just like being there with my wheelbarrow minding my own business fishing into the grass oh well there's no way to answer that then chloe there's no way to answer that yeah oh so it was a girl right okay well Chloe, you should know. Chloe, you should know. I'm telling you right now, Chloe, is he single? Yes.

Is he talking to you? He likes you. Yeah. Are you breathing? He likes you. Yeah. Yeah, basically, isn't that? That's right.

I would say that. I would say, Chloe, if you're even thinking, I mean, it might be a lady, but if you're even thinking, if they're, I mean, the thing is to... What does it say?

Does it say what sex? No, it just says, hi, guys, hope you're doing well. I'm wondering if you can help me. How can I tell if, how can you tell if someone is to... What does it say? Does it say what sex? No, it just says, hi guys, hope you're doing well. I'm wondering if you can help me. How can you tell if someone is into you or just being friendly? See, I don't know how you would do it with the same sex.

This is the thing, isn't it? We don't know. Because two women, that's going to be difficult. How would you ever know? We don't let anything... We'd be trying to catch a Zodiac killer. Oh gosh, yeah.

Yeah. That would be hard. Just ask, I think. No, no. Why? I can't agree with that. Why not? I can That would be hard. Just ask, I think. No, no. Why? I can't agree with that. Why not? I can't agree.

No. Just like, oh, hey, I saved you a seat. Come sit next to me. I saved you a seat. Thanks. Before we get started, what is this? I would. I don't care.

Yeah. I don't know. What is this? Can I get a formal label on this conversation, please? Yeah, need to know. I mean, I hope that's answered your question, Chloe, is that neither of us have a fucking clue. Good luck.

Yay. Right, I've got another question. This was a genuine question, right? And it didn't say anything else. It was just this. So I think this has happened to this person, or they've witnessed it, right? So just said, Rosie and Chris, why do people wipe snots on toilet walls

did you just snort because i can just see them sitting in the toilet i can just send me a message because i can just see them sitting in the toilet. They can just send me a message because they can just see it. And I've seen it before. Absolutely. In my head, they've sat down, they've looked, and they've went, well, there's only one person I need to ask about this. They just whip their phone out. Why do people wipe snots on toilet walls?

Well, I've seen it so many times. Yeah. In nice toilets as well, usually workplaces. Do you think people are just like, oh, my God, I've seen it so many times. Yeah. In nice toilets as well. Usually workplaces. Do you think people are just like, oh my God, I hate it here. I hate coming here. I'm rebelling against the system.

Wipe. It's, it is weird because you're right in front of a place that is the perfect place to dispose of a snot. Oddly. Why would you do it? Put it in a tissue. So I don't know why people wipe snots on toilet walls. I've got no idea.

No way. I imagine they just want a graffiti and they haven't got a pen. I don't know. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it. Hey, thanks for listening, guys. We've peaked. This Friday, you must be very careful. Thanks for listening, guys. With peace. With peace. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Stowman. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechall's sunrise challenge.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com okay so i've got an email here from jonathan it's called hashtag pillow gate how good is this okay um wonder if you guys can help settle an argument with me me better half um we always argue constantly about pillows here are our gripes when i get into bed i grab my lovely pillow and fold that bad boy in half so it's extra plump and nice so i can sleep but i get lectured about ruining my pillow and folding in half the pillows are wafer thin like after eight minutes uh rachel loves her little pillows.

She's got a Disney one, a little beaded one and lots of fancy pillows. Are they for sleeping on? No. Are they for building pillow forts? No. They are just for show on the bed. Why? Well, Jonathan, firstly you're clearly a man with zero taste.

And zero self-respect for yourself that you're having to fold over your little pillow treat yourself buy yourself a pillow that you like right but you dare put that pillow on that bed you put that pillow under your bed and you bring that out for when you go to sleep because like in prison

like you're living in prison I am Rachel's side the whole way your bed needs to look nice you've seen my disgusting pillow that I can't get rid of oh my god honestly

it's not on display you know what it is right you on the surface you like people to think that you're his better half here Rachel's just called you like to think people think you're Rachel

you're actually Jonathan you've got all these fancy ridiculous show pillows on our bed it looks madness it's craziness it looks like quite a small bed because there's that many pillows. If you go pillow

to bottom, it's about two foot high. Because the pillows are about six foot. Right? But he, he's got a little manky pillow that he thought, yours. Your pillow. It looks, it's, honestly, it looks like it's been dragged by a car on a road trip across America.

It looks like a pillow that you would see at the side of the road. Yeah. It looks like a pillow that would... In November. Yeah, it looks like a pillow

that would accompany a mattress in a skip. Yeah, it's really disgusting. It's like orange from Slava in fake tan. It's vile. It is,

and it stinks, but I can't wash it and I can't throw it away. Watch it. I know. Robin loves it, doesn't he? It's horrible. Robin's like... Breathing in me pheromones. I've never got it and I can't throw it away. I know. Robin loves it, doesn't he? Robin's like breathing in me pheromones.

I've never got it, you see. So I can have, our whole house can be like an absolute dump, to be fair. Like a dump. But as long as the bed's made, you're happy, aren't you? Yeah. I've never understood it. I can get out of the bed in the morning, leave it, and I can get back into an unmade bed at night.

Yeah, but you can't. You can't. No. Jonathan, I'm with you on this, mate. The amount of pillows that I have to... Getting into my own bed on a night is a chore.

Like, I've got to remove throws, pillows, little tiny show cushions. There's like a faux fur rug thing that goes across the bed. When Rosie's making it

all in the morning, it's like she's a squire dressing a knight for battle. Like, the amount of crap that goes on the bed. When Rosie's making it all in the morning, it's like she's a squire dressing a knight for battle. Like, the amount of crap that goes on the bed. Well, you've opened my eyes with this, to be honest, because I didn't think that you minded. Because you've always commented about how

nice it is. Don't get us wrong. Don't be thinking Jonathan's here and he's got your back. Don't get us wrong. It looks beautiful. Thank you. That's all I need to hear. But all I'd like to do is, right, but all I'd like to do is maybe somehow sew them all together on some kind of net. And put it all on as one. Yeah?

So you can literally grab the thing, the pile of stuff and pick it up and then you... And they're all in their place, sewed together and they're ready. What's the matter with you? I'm a busy guy, aren't I? It takes about 30 seconds. No, it takes ages, man. I keep doing it wrong, I get told off. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Chris and Rosie, what are your views on PDA also known as personal displays of affection I thought it was public displays of affection it is I got that right what did I say the complete opposite

of what PDA is personal displays of affection just look at it, kiss in the mirror. Look how many things you get wrong. I think I was so worried about getting it wrong, but I got it wrong. You said it, you went personal displays

of affection, and I went, is it not public yet? It might be. I got it right. You said it in the same sort of radio four voice that you'd said the first minute it was wrong public so so we're talking heavy petting here we're talking basically yes because didn't used to be a sign in the swim pool saying no heavy petting remember that uh no yeah you don't remember that i remember no bombing there was no bombing there was all kind of yeah no splashing no no no heavy petting was one of them yeah and so it was in like, don't shag in the pool.

Well, it was like, don't be like necking on in that. I think it was like, in case like you get out and you've got a semi and everyone can see it and the kids get upset.

someone I know got fingered at Wet n' Wild in the jacuzzi, so. God damn it. It's someone I know in speech marks no it wasn't me oh my god

no oh how weird listen what do you what do you think about PDA public displays of affection em I don't know

I am sometimes I'm quite soppy like if I'm at the airport and people are like giving each other cuddles when they're getting off the plane and giving each other big kisses I'm a big fan of that

they're beginning to love actually no see I think that's different though i think that's an embrace that's lovely if you're out on a night out and there's people just necking on beside you that's rank yeah i know but a night out it's our culture and a night out is where people go and meet and and mate do you know what i mean so i can kind of if i'm standing i would find it weirder if i was standing at a you know a train platform during the day and two people were just like necking on and grabbing i find it and again i thought i am probably coming across as a weird prudish old man on this podcast right and i'm not even bothered

to be fair that's what you want yeah we're going welcome to the future i find it really really uncomfortable when blokes in public just grab handfuls of their girlfriends or wives arses yes i find it really weird i can't get away with that really if i grab like like but not even like a jokey way like i imagine i would do it to wind you up in asda right but it's like they're just like and they're like grabbing a proper handful and the woman just doesn't i think if that was me she would have broke my fucking arm i know and. And not just that, do you remember when you were younger and you were like 13 or 14 and you were going out with someone and you'd walk and he'd walk behind you?

Like the conga. Like the conga. And it was so uncomfortable. I remember seeing people do that. I would do it. I remember. But you were just like young like honestly

just like holding hands train across the floor hey every bus stop looked like a wedding party it could throw you like a race but one in front of the other

it's like a really weird teenage version of a you know when you let a baby walk on your legs. Yes. The walk on your feet. Yes.

It was awful. I do remember seeing people do that. It's awful, right? I mean, I never did because I didn't get my first girlfriend when I was 16. Oh, God. But I do remember seeing that. Let's see it. Yeah.

Well, I did it a couple of times. It was just, I was doing, I was thinking, what? I can't even walk properly. This is ridiculous. But I still did it. And you see some people kind of doing that now. Like, you know, when people walk along, like our age, right?

Like 30s, I've seen it. And they've got a hand on each bum. One's got a hand on that bum, the other one's got a hand on... And you think, that is not... You are not getting anywhere quick. I feel, yeah. That's not comfortable.

Yeah. And I'd be like, get off my arse. Yeah. I just don't get it. But we are very touchy-feely, like in the house, we're still cuddling that on a night time. Yeah.

But I just don't get it. Well, the grabbing the arse thing. The grabbing the arse, it's sort of, for me, it's a precursor to sort of getting in the mood. Do you know what I mean? If you're going to grab, you know, if you're going to grab a sexual part of your partner's body, it's like, go for it.

What are you doing that and burger king for? I know. Like, what are you doing? I know. Chicken royale are you doing? I know. Chicken Royale. Horrible. Yeah. It depends where it is,

but I think my opinion on PDA, I think I am a prudish, I think just don't, don't be, don't be eating each other's faces if you're in front of me in the queue for some coffee.

Nobody wants to see it. Yeah, but a little peck, I love seeing people have a cuddle. I do. A little cuddle's lovely. I love seeing people holding hands. I love seeing old people holding hands oh i know oh it's gorgeous isn't it it's the best can we just clarify i also love seeing same-sex couples

now walking the streets and holding hands it's a yeah it's brilliant now that people can yeah i know a lot of same-sex couples and through actual personal conversations with them it's been something that's terrified them for years. And now they do it and I just think it's wonderful. And it fills my heart with love. Rosie, I've got an email here that I don't know how you're going to feel about this. I don't know how I feel about this. Well, the emails just fill us with dread now, to be honest.

But come on. No, it's not Devon, we're all cool. Hi, Chris and Rosie. cool um hi chris and rosie i'm not going to mention that you know for embarrassment purposes uh sophie claghorn we were away in a log cabin with friends and had to keep it on the dl so to cover up any noise we played your podcast sorry uh however dot dot dot funniest shag we've ever had wow i'll take that compliment i mean as a comedian i'm always i'm always looking for a quote for a poster if you don't mind just writing that on the um the itunes app subscribe rate five stars funniest shag i've ever

had just what what happened to put a bit of music on? That's one thing I've never done. I've never had intercourse while there's been music on. No. Not that I remember. Not really a song short enough

for me. It's not really. Probably the jingle. Are you kidding? It's not for me. It would be the babadoo babadoo bab. And I'm finished.

I'm laughing but I'm not disagreeing. I'm just, oh, jokes. I just spotted at the bottom of this email as well. It genuinely says, any challenges to this claim, step forward. Can I say right now, don't. Don't tell her if you've been having sex to our podcast. It's really weird. And I don't like it.

She just wants to find fellow people who've been having sex. Sophie, if you're trying, Sophie, if you're trying to get a foursome going while our podcast's on, I am going to hit the roof. I'm going to hit the roof. I've been nominated

for Celebrity Mum of the Year 2019 and I can't have these shenanigans going on in my job. Absolutely. My only job. Yeah. We can't have the thrusting

and the slapping of skin happening while our dulcet tones radiate out changing the comedy podcast world, yeah? But imagine though, actually, if people are listening to it and then they end up making a baby and they can call the baby

shagged, paranoid. The third. I hope they don't do that. I mean, Chris or Rosie is a good name for a baby. It is. But don't tell your kid that mean, Chris or Rosie is a good name for a baby. It is. But don't tell your kid that you had sex to it. Oh, God.

I have got a really quick question. Yeah? Dressing gown or house coat? I've never heard the term house coat until very recently, so I would always call it a dressing gown. But I do love the grandeur of house coat. It is pretty cool, isn't it? Yeah. can't to be honest house coat makes more sense than dressing gown i am a dressing gown girl right but house coat it's a coat and you're wearing it in the

house yeah it's true it should be called a house coat but i can't get my head around it i feel like you're gonna only call it your house coat if you're asking someone else to get it for you Call it your house coat if you're asking someone else to get it for you. Could you grab my house coat? Jeeves, bring me my house coat. And my house shoes. Also known as slippers. House shoes?

House shoes. Bring me my house crepes. What's house crepes? That's what people call Trina's crepes. Sort on Instagram. I don't know if I'm using the right words. I'm not sure. They might have said crepe. It's apes. Sort on Instagram. I don't know if I'm using the right words. I'm not sure. They might have said crepe.

It's a pancake. You're a pancake? Yes. Slam. Come on. Just a little snippet of what I'm capable of. Award-winning comedian. You're a pancake. Good night, everyone.

Good night, Wembley. Question from Sarah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Do you have any ideas for a 60th birthday present for my dad? Right, that sounds pretty normal. Yeah, normal question. This next bit threw me off. 60th birthday present for my dad,

who only likes things beginning with ch. C-H. Chops, chips, chocolate. Question mark. Is he a Sesame Street character? Like, what the hell? Why?

The hell's Rob... It's like something Robin would watch on the telly. I'm really confused. I don't understand. He only likes things beginning with CH. Chicken. Get him some chicken.

Chicken. Chocolate. Champagne. Champagne. Champagne. Champagne. Yes. A chair.

You could. You could buy him a chair. Yeah. God, you haven't even been trying at all, Sarah. I just said Sarah. Your name's Sarah. He only likes things with ch. He's not a fan of you, love.

Chalice. What else? Church. A church. Buy him a church. A chattel. It's came to the chattel. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever read sorry but no

can we turn this off can we just clarify he only wants things beginning with church the man is a lunatic he shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets do you know what I mean

why am I the only one realising this? Come on. I'm surprised he's got this on. Do you know what I mean? You've been playing along with it. Yeah, you've been enabling this. Yeah, buying chocolate and chops. Only likes things beginning with chips.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Dad, we've got you some new golf clubs. What? She's just put us flying out the window. Well, you know what you could do? You could just give him some money so he can choose himself. Oh, yes. Yes.

That's why he gets paid the big bucks. It is time for our celebrity question. That's okay. This week from the fantastic Simon Rimmer. Oh, yes. Chris and Rosie,

it's Simon Rimmer. Question for you. If you were up against each other in a cooking competition, what would you cook and why? And of course, who'd win? Oh. Rimmer, Rimmer, chicken dinner, heavens above.

It's spicy, that, mate. It's a good question. He's trying to get the fisticuffs here, isn't he? Right, come on, you go first then. What would you cook? Head to head in a cooking competition with you. There'd have to be something good that you might win. Right.

So, okay. Well, you know what my best dish is that I can cook better than anyone else on the planet. And I think you'd agree, to be fair. Spaghetti bolognese. Spaghetti bolognese. It's the only one thing I can do for some reason. You make spaghetti bolognese, Rosie,

and it's always nice. It's always nice. But you walk past me making my spaghetti bolognese rosie and it's always nice it's always nice but you walk past me making my spaghetti bolognese you lean in you stick a little spoon or a little one of your little trotters in and you have a little it's never happened and you have a and you have a little taste and you always taste it you go and then you get really angry because for some unknown reason even though we do the same thing mine's always nicer for some strange reason i don though we do the same thing, mine's always nicer

for some strange reason. I don't know why. Yeah, it is. It's because I talk to the meat. It's a bit boring. Greg wouldn't be impressed with that. Greg from MasterChef. Yeah.

That's the programme we're on, right? I think it's a cooking competition. Just decided that we are. So Greg would be like, Chris, that's a really nice bolognese, but it's bolognese. This is MasterChef. Have a word.

Get this shit off my table. It's clay cold because we've been standing here filming for half an hour. I'd never understood that. How can they judge that food when it's clearly freezing? Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. Can't be enjoyable. So, yeah, I'd probably do my best spaghetti bolognese.

And I know it's only spaghetti bolognese, but I think once they taste it, they'd be like, you know what, Chris? You know what, Chris? This is just a spaghetti bolognese. But to fair you know on the surface that's what it just looks bland but we've tasted this is a taste sensation mate you know this is the one chris ramsey for prime minister that's what would happen what would you cook well um i do you know i love cooking and i think i'm all right yes and no why you? You've got to be horrible.

No, you're an amazing cook. Thank you. Your food, your cook is incredible. It's beautiful. But the carnage you leave in your wake while cooking almost isn't worth... For all the good chefs doing. It almost isn't worth... Yeah, but all the good chefs have got a kitchen port

are full-time employed. Eh? Not Muggins here. Eh? Not this tosser. You could fill a dishwasher making soup, mate. It's craziness. Well, there's a lot of things a dishwasher making soup, mate. It's craziness.

Well, there's a lot of things involved in making soup, actually. I'm in hands from the tin. Oh, right. Can I just tell you my dish now, arsehole? So annoyingly... I'll tell you right now, they're not going to like arsehole. Sorry.

Oh, God. Marry a comedian. Can I tell you my dish, arsehole? Sorry Oh god Marry a comedian I would also cook a pasta dish Wow But I would do my famous Duck Ragu It's beautiful It's got a full bottle of red wine in

And you have to cook it for two hours It's delicious isn isn't it? Can we have a fattie tonight? Absolutely. Yes! So that's what I would cook. Who would win? No, you've won.

You've won because I'd much rather have that than fattie tonight. I'll be honest with you, the full bottle of wine might have something to do with it. How am I putting on so much weight? You are drinking a lot and you're also eating your drink. So, double divvies.

Can you remember when we watched that Secret Eaters on TV? Oh, yes. Oh, if you didn't see it, anyone listening, there's a show called Secret Eaters. I don't know if it's coming on again. God, I hope it does.

It was great. So basically what they do is they film people who are saying exactly that. They're going, I don't know why I'm putting so much weight on. I don't know why I'm so fat. I eat really well.

And then they hide cameras around the house and then follow them for a week like spies and it turns out they're just properly pouching non-stop can you remember that bloke please explain what he had for his breakfast there was this bloke on and that he didn't think it was bad so he was totally he put the cameras on he's like right yeah he's going you're not finding anything out you're not i'm healthy me i know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know. I'm a medical marvel. I don't know how I've got so much weight on us. I don't know what's going on.

Bless him. He didn't know what he was doing. So they sat down and they went, okay. So like, Roger, we've been filming you. And he went, yeah. And he just wasn't having it, was he? He was going, yeah, no, come on. Bring it on.

Bring it on, love. And she went, okay, so on the morning, you have cereal. And he goes, yeah, yeah. Healthy cereal, isn't it? Special K. Special K. Healthy cereal. And he goes, yeah, yeah, healthy cereal, isn't it? Special K, special K. Healthy cereal. And she goes, yes and no. And he goes, he looks mortified. And he goes, what? Come on then. And she goes, okay then, well, so you have your

cereal, portion control first of all, a bit too much, and it's a mixing bowl. It's like, it looks like a Vietnam helmet. It's massive. Right? And he puts it in there, and then he chops the banana in. And he goes, yeah, banana.

And she goes, oh, yeah, yeah, nothing against the banana. And he goes, right. And he's like looking around the rest of the family, pleased as punch, isn't he? Yeah. And then she goes, you also have half a pint of double cream on it and a jar of jam. A jar of jam. It was the maddest.

It was like a trifle. It was shocking, wasn't it? I fell off the sofa laughing. He couldn't say that. He didn't understand. He's gone with healthy cereal. Yeah, you've put a fucking ice cream in it, mate. I'll be honest,

it sounds lovely. your cereal in the morning. I like mine with a jar of jam. And a pint of cream. To be fair, it looked blinding and I will have it one day.

It looked amazing. Definitely. Oh, bless him. Love that programme. Bring it back. Oh, best programme ever. And there you go. The end of another episode

thank you so much for listening to Shag Married Annoyed make sure that you subscribe and tell all your friends and if you want to get in touch

it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and if you're having sex while listening to this episode you better hope and finish because we're done

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