Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 40. Cheese table

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

It's episode 40 and Chris is off to Blackpool! As well as talking all things Strictly, Rosie and Chris discuss Sandra's latest stash and Rosie's recent trip to London. There are some brilliant stories and questions from the public, topics range from an unfortunate cheese incident to a trip to A&E on a third date. And of course there is a celeb question - this week it's from Strictly alumni Mike Bushell. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridanoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. What the holy dot ca Hey, listen, I am entertaining the beautiful British public and they're keeping us in. And as long as they want me in this crazy, crazy dancing show, I'll stay in it.

I'll dance as much as I want for them. Very exciting. Going to Blackpool. You're all going to Blackpool? Me? Hey, I tell you what. Honestly, I slightly touched on it on Sunday on the results show. My joke was I did some sparsely attended gigs

early in my career in Blackpool I'm looking forward to Full House that was my joke what I really wanted to say was I've died on my fucking arse loads in Blackpool don't think they'd appreciate that

I've like died like so hard in Blackpool so I'm really looking forward to hopefully not dying on my arse at the Tower as well I'm very excited apparently the dance floor is bouncy it looks fantastic to be fair the dance floor is bouncy.

It looks fantastic, to be fair, the dance floor. I'm not sure if it's bouncy or not. It's a lot bigger than the one you've been on at the minute. Really? You're going to have to do a bit of shifting. Cover some ground. You're going to have to take some big steps, sunshine. You're going to have to stretch that groin area.

Goodness me. Guys, thank you so much for listening. This is episode 40. 40. Rosie, 40? You'd have been induced by now Eh What Having a baby

40 hours 40 weeks Oh 40 weeks Is that true This is a pregnancy Oh okay That's good Well I think it's 39 weeks isn't it

That you have a baby Is it I can't remember I can't be bothered to do the maths Nah I need to look it up I really don't know But anyway yes I really don't know

Before we continue A word from this week's Lucrative Lucrative sponsor Distilled Can't we bother to do the maths? Nah, neither can I. I really don't know. But anyway, yes. I really don't know. Before we continue, a word from this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Distilled. This week's sponsor. Hey, hey, the temperatures are dropping outside, guys. Winter's just around the corner. This week's sponsor is... Hat.

De-icer. Oh, Jesus. Hey, is it frosty? Get some de-icer on there. Is it not? Don't worry about it then. It Get some de-icer on there. Is it not? Don't worry about it then. De-icer. It's not frosty outside yet.

Sometimes in the morning. It's six degrees today. Early morning. Frosty. It's not. It's steamy. Listen. At best.

Well, get it in for the future because I'm flogging it. Great. Get it in. Buy it in the big bottle or buy it in the little bottle. I will say one thing about de-izer. Yeah? Don't buy the spray one. Oh, if you're going to use the spray one, get some gloves.

Because it gets cold, the bottle. Yeah? Is that what you're talking about? No, no, I mean the one like, you know, like a... Oh, like a flash bottle. A flash bottle. A flash bathroom. Them are rubbish.

No, no, no. Because they stop you getting cold. Because the metal can where you... The metal one Like spray paint Yeah Apply that at minus four Minus four

Minus four Comma In the morning You get a really cold hand You want to wear some gloves? Hey Gloves No, no more gloves

Have you got cold hands? Get some gloves on Listen Are your hands warm? Don't worry about it then Use a CD like everyone else Stop getting above your station A CD box Remember using a station. A CD box.

Remember using a CD box. A CD box. I used an actual CD. To scrape it off? Yeah. You used an actual CD? Yeah. What CD?

Destiny's Child. That is not what the girls would have wanted. I know. It doesn't work anymore. Although to be fair, you were an independent woman scraping your windscreen by yourself and you didn't need no man to help you. Holla, holla, holla. Hell yeah.

Well, there you go. That's absolutely perfect. Mm-hmm. I even, holla, holla. Well, there you go. That's absolutely perfect. I even pointed at you for the jingle. I don't know why you're pointing at me as the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Jingle. Fuck me. No idea what I'm doing. I'm sorry. We are back. Thank you so much for coming back. This is episode 40.

Thanks for listening. We're not doing this in the house and it's putting us off. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, we're back in our management's office in London, in that weird. We're back in our management's office in London, in that London. Big smoke.

I don't know if it sounds different or not, guys. Apologies if it does. It's just a different setup. There's big, massive mics in front of us. I think what you'll find, Chris, it's not a different setup. It's a professional setup. Hey, don't you ever, ever slag off my home setup

with my little mixer that I don't know what any of the buttons do. Well, exactly. That I fluked once and I've never been able to change them. And someone moves the dials now and then and I get upset. Don't you slag? There's nothing unprofessional about it. There's not. I mean, the fact that I've brushed my teeth before I'm doing this one might tell you the professional level.

But no, we're here in London because Chris, you let me down. Yeah? I've had to travel. I know. To come and do this. I know. Why are you cheating on this podcast? I'm not.

We don't appreciate it. Hey, listen. You weren't meant to still be in the competition. This is ridiculous. I know everyone's happy. I know everyone give you a hug in the corridor. Oh, well done. You're doing so well.

I'm raging. I'm absolutely livid. Jealous. It's gone past jealous. Jealousy, that was like the first couple of weeks when you weren't doing very well and I was like, I would wipe the floor with you. Now, it's sheer inconvenience.

I saw you Instagram it. You're kicking off like you're going to have to put the Christmas tree up on your arm. Well, right, okay, because I'm sure we said this last week, but we didn't realise how, we never Googled, nobody said when the final would be. Yeah. Because I think they thought, just like me, not being it.

So we didn't know, but the final is the weekend of like the 14th, 15th of December. Yeah. So. You've got 10 days till Christmasmas yeah yeah yeah that's when everything's at its most expensive in the shops as well it's about it's voucher voucher season yeah but do you love how i talk like i'm actually in it as well you are yeah that's what they say they say your whole family does strictly with you it's true hey he has an idea right i'll get'm fun out strictly 2020 annual right i'll sign it we're giving everyone for christmas everyone to be honest everyone will get one with my

signature in i'm for that i'm for that i'll sign it happy days love you yeah but you know how you just said there just want to touch upon that quickly your whole family's in Strictly. Yeah. I haven't lost any weight. I've gained nothing. If I have put weight on. Oh, so you have gained something. Oh. Oh, what did I say? I haven't lost any weight.

But then you said you've gained nothing. Oh, yeah, well, I've gained a few pounds. Through the enjoyment of watching you with wine. Hey, Anna. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I with wine. Hey, Anna. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I'm bloody wasting away, me. Honestly, I think my body's going to go into shock once I stop doing the dancing all the time. Yeah.

When it finishes. I honestly think I'm going to go the other way. I think once I stop dancing, my body, like, I think my body's probably used to exercise by now. I don't cry anymore when I go to the toilet in the middle of the night. I'm not in agony anymore. So i think when i start eating christmas food and drinking loads of beer and being sedentary again and sitting not doing anything

i honestly think i'm gonna balloon out yeah i think i'm gonna be a hippo well you never know you might keep it up you might end up just being really fit and then i'd leave you i can't be with someone who's like really fit really so i'm not allowed to keep up my exercise or anything no like you can just don't become obsessed with it or anything but actually no because i just think i wouldn't i don't want to be in a relationship where the person i'm with is like just really cares about the what they look like i've been i've been in a relationship that before you know i'll. You know I'll never care that much. You know I'll never ever care that much.

The amount of exercise I'm doing for this bloody show at the minute, there's no way I'd be able to do that. I'd have to literally go to the gym in the morning and stay there all day. Yeah, like eight hours. Yeah, it's non-stop cardio. It's like being on a treadmill

on about speed seven all day. Just a light jog. And it's like forced exercise. It's like work. Yeah. It's just got to be done, isn't it? We've got backing dancers this week for the Blackpool dance. I know. It's going to look great.

You know I'm not a dancer. This is weird, right? Big love to all of the celebs in it. I love them, right? But the main difference between me and them is a lot of them, when they speak to Claudia on Sunday night's show, Claudia will go, and what dancer have you got next week?

And they'll go, oh, I've got the charleston and you've always wanted to do a charleston haven't you oh yeah i've always wanted to do charleston i'm sitting there going you've always fucking wanted you know the week i was doing the charleston that was the week i first heard the word charleston and that was the week that i learned this is how my week goes on monday i get told the word the name of the dance I learn that word then I learn what it is and then I learn to do it that's how mine goes

and then you never do it ever again yeah but everyone's like oh yeah oh yeah you know I've always always wanted to do a quick step

I've really looked forward to that it's been your dream to do the jive the same thing and fair play to them that's great they're on the right show they're living their dream

they're having the time of their lives I'm also having the time of my life but in the same way that a dog watching you have sex has the time of its life it's excited but it doesn't really know what's going on that's very hey i'll give you that that's you in this show i'm just honestly i'm like that you're doing well do you know if you ever look at a dog but you don't say walk don't say you're going on a walk because it knows what walk is but if you say something like oh go to the fish and chip shop and it like goes hold on something's good here but i don't

know what it is that's kind of the way i'm dealing with it yeah like this is great but i don't know why it's funny because you can actually now that you've said that when you are chatting or in your vts and that and they're mentioning the dance you you're very glazed yeah i've got no idea you are like yeah yeah jive i literally just go look do karen do the steps show us what the steps are tell us where to put my feet and that's what i'll do but what i was gonna say was i'm not obviously i'm not one of these people who is looking forward to every kind of dance but the fact that this week it's bruno mars uptown funk right it's salsa and there's a moment in the dance where i'm at the front of a fly and V triangle of eight dancers and Karen.

And I've got to be honest, I know he's not the most popular at the moment, but from Michael Jackson, Bard, that video and Thriller, where they all dance. Oh, you've got it. I know. Well, anything like that.

Bruno Mars, any of them kind of videos. Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze. Never seen it. Right, you've videos. Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze. Never seen it. But. Right, you've never seen Dirty Dancing. Not all the way through. And you are on the biggest dancing programme in the world. Yes. You make me want to vomit.

Hey, I don't watch other people dance. I dance myself. Oh, fuck off. What I'm saying is, I have had moments in the shower or moments of listening to songs where I've thought, imagine dancing and having a full troupe of dancers behind you doing the same thing. And it actually, we did it today training. But Rosie, honestly, it was amazing.

I am loving that. So there was a mirror in front of us so I could see all the dancers behind us and we're doing the whole thing together. It is mint. But the only thing is, I'm really good at hiding my mistakes. Bruno said it. And Karen says, she says, you'm really good at hiding my mistakes. Bruno said it. And Karen says, she says,

you hide your mistakes. I thought you meant Bruno Mars there. No, no. I wish. I can hide when I fuck up. I can't hide it. You're a good blacker. Yeah, but when I fuck up

with nine people behind us, showing them what should be done, there's nowhere to hide. Do you know what I mean? I'm right in the middle. I can't literally go, oh yeah, they were supposed Do you know what I mean? I'm right with you. I can't literally go, oh yeah, they were supposed to spin round and I was supposed to fall on my arse. That was how it was going to go.

But then again, if you're in front, you might be able to get away with it. I don't know. I trust you. It's been how many weeks now? You haven't fucked up yet? This is the ninth week.

Shut up. Mental. Nine weeks. Crazy. Crazy. Oh my God. It's crazy. I added all the dancers up today. How many? I can't. It's mad. Crazy. Crazy. Oh, my God. It's crazy. I added all the dancers up today.

How many? I can't. It's mad. Mad. Mad. And I've got to say, Shag Mowden Hoyers, audience listening,

listeners, beautiful podcast listeners, smars, smars and dars. Smars. I know a lot of you are voting and I really do appreciate it. Thank you.

I know you are. Me too. It's lovely. Thank you. Being a comedian, you can't really, like, get, like, soppy. And, you. Thank you. Being a comedian, you can't really get soppy. And you know what I mean? I feel like I can't be like, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't. It's not really in my nature. But it's really nice that people are going, ah, keep him on there. He's good fun. Yeah. It's nice. And I'm really happy with it.

And thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone. Buzzing for you. But? Bit annoyed that you've lost so much weight. What have you been up to? Well, not much really. Well, no, I came to London

last weekend to watch Human Strictly. Came with my mum and Kate, my sister. Hashtag for Kate. Hashtag for Kate. That was really, a really, really fun weekend. And I forget how much fun I actually have with my mum and my sister. Hashtag for Kate. Hashtag for Kate. That was really, a really, really fun weekend

and I forget how much fun I actually have with my mum and my sister. It was lush to watch. And we had, oh my gosh, we laughed from beginning to end. You,

I phoned you and I asked how your day was going and you said, I've just laughed non-stop. Yeah. And then I watched your Instagram stories and I was laughing my head off and I was like,

it is really nice, the relationship you've got with your mom and your sister it was lush you just did just piss yourselves laughing non-stop we do and i don't even know the way i deal with my mates yeah i don't even know if we're laughing with each other or at each other like it's very much of a ripping the mick out of each other relationship but mostly my mom because she's ridiculous can we have some highlights of what your mom did so honestly on the train she was up to her usual tricks. On the train, she was very much up to her usual tricks of...

What was the one that she didn't want? She didn't want anything. She wasn't hungry, so she was like, I don't want anything. Yet every time the trolley came round, she ordered two deli boxes, some crisps, and she got a muffin, which she got about two for every time they came round, and she put them all in a bag. And she was like,

I'll put them in the fridge when I get back. For guests. Uh-huh, for guests. Or she took a gin on the way there, because we got the train at 11 o'clock, and me and Mr. Stan had a gin, because why not? Me mum was like,

I'm not having one, and we're like, no bother. And then the lady came round, she was like, I'll have a gin please as well, and I was like, oh, you changed your mind. She was like,

eh, no. And she put it in, put the miniature in a bag for guests for guests sorry like for you later on at home i understand that but for guests is that's like welcome to my house come and sit down would you like some shit i've nicked from the train i've never been to my mom's though she always has little trinkets out she always always has her little bits of shit everywhere. And then we got to the hotel. It was a really gorgeous hotel. It was unreal. And she ended up

nicking everything from there. But this is a new level of nicking, right? Did you see this? I don't know. We haven't even spoke about this, right? Okay.

So the hotel had loads of Nespresso pods, you know, the coffee pods that you put in a machine. Yeah, for the machine things. They look like little bud plugs. Yeah, little bud plugs of coffee. They've all got different lids, like colours, and they've all got different flavours.

Yeah. My mum, right, stole a notebook from the hotel, and she wrote down from the menu, the menu of the pods, that she'd sold when she got home. Yeah, I did see that. She knew what she'd stole. That's amazing. new level of stealing that is amazing

so she nicked them she was like blue light blend purple such and such fantastic I know

she stole she stole a razor because they give you free razors wow she stole some tampons doesn't even use them anymore. Why did you steal them?

For me, apparently. I'm yet to get them. She hasn't had a period for years. Welcome to my house. Would you like a tiny little bottle of gin? Would you like a tampon? Anybody need a razor? She's ridiculous.

Welcome to Sanvers. Shave your legs. Stop your period. Have a gin. Have three muffins. Bye. Oh, I love it though. It's just so, it's the working class upbringing.

It's lovely. It is lovely. It's lovely that you, can I just say as as well you're not blameless in this because when me and you go to hotels you fuel a problem by just fucking putting loads of stuff in your suitcase and you want to take that home for me ma'am sandra stash honestly the amount of bloody hotel slippers we've give her i know but you know what she actually uses the little bottles of shampoo and that yeah yeah do you know anybody else would nick them and then probably just they'd end up in a drawer i've seen them around the bath she actually uses them there must be fucking loads of like she's been doing shots

she loves it um something i haven't told you this because we've gently this is the first conversation we're having face to face it is ridiculous that this is the first time we've spoke like bad times yeah um so something else happened which i haven't had the chance to tell you okay um we were a bit early for our train coming home so we thought we're dead posh went at some pancreas for a coffee um there was a girl walked past and there was a couple of men walked past first with like um cameras and stuff and we were like oh what's going on and then a woman walked past in a wedding dress oh and we were like oh my god maybe mom stopped i were like you look, what's going on? And then a woman walked past in a wedding dress and we were like,

oh my God, me and my mum stopped and we were like, you look absolutely beautiful. Have a lovely day. Enjoy yourself. And she was like, thank you,

thank you so much. When we left, right, we went outside. She was doing a photo shoot. It wasn't a wedding day. She was doing a photo shoot. Why did she not tell you? I don't know.

Do you know when you're like... Do you reckon she was just inhabiting the character? I think so. Yeah. It was very strange because it was like... There was kids in like ballet dresses. So it was like a full on... Oh, God.

Like a magazine shoot or something. Yeah, yeah. And you know when you're like... I full on wished her well on her married life your ma's giving her advice honestly my ma's giving her

throwing money at her and I'd be have a lovely life she's doing a photo shoot London man and the best the most important thing is communication

in a wedding you know I wish you many happy years the lass is like thank you very much here's a little bottle there's a tampon

that's yours something borrowed something read Here's a little bottle of gin. There's a tampon. That's yours. Something borrowed. Something read. There's a razor. You might want it. Something stolen. Oh, foreign games.

But yeah, London. London's mental. Yeah? Do you know on the way here, I was coming out of the train station and there was a bloke

walking behind us doing vocal warm-up skills. Brilliant. Yeah, no one cares. You know, and you're just like, what's happening? She's not joining in.

She's not harmonised. Well, I wanted to, but obviously it was raining and that, but he was just walking along like... Going to the taxi queue. I was thinking, there's no need to do that. To be honest, I do love coming to London as a tourist. Love it. I still get very excited by all the lovely bits and bobs. I'm mainly excited tonight because the hotel that we're staying in,

you haven't been there yet, I checked in, the room is basically the size of the bed and it smells like sewers. Oh, I can't wait. And I told them at reception that it smelled like sewers and I know for a fact all they're going to do is go in and spray a load of air freshener, which I know is your favourite smell. My favourite. Great night ahead.

Can't wait. Can't wait. It's literally going to be like, bin stinks, on tour. Actually, our bin does stink at home because I hate emptying the bin. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Watch Your Beef. Give us your beef.

I'm back again. I'll rub you twice. Again? Okay. That's the new jingle. That's fine. It's me rubbing voice. I'll rub you blind.

Oh, I wish they could see your face while you're doing that. You're going to have to do that on your Insta. You're going to have to because it's very good. And you also make a fist at the microphone. Oh, get out of here, you little torag. Why is this character robbing someone then saying get out of here? I'll have to rethink. I feel like there's no correlation in what this character's doing.

I want to know this character's motivation. Um, just greed, sheer greed. Motivated by greed. Probably a slight addiction. Alright, so is the get out of here, you little toerag, is he speaking to himself? Does he hate himself? No, I think he's, I think he's rubbed them. Yeah.

And then he's saying, get out of here, you little twerp, before I do something I regret. Fuck me. I'll work on it. I'll do a bit of character work. Ladies first, what's your beef? My beef this week, Ramsey, is, with you being away at the minute,

obviously it's hard, hard work, we're not seeing each other much. You're really enjoying having long FaceTime chats of an evening. You, you, you've done it again. What? Come on, you've done it again. Was that yours? The beefs have collided.

Are you taking the mic? Keep going, Keep going. So, as lovely as they are, I have programmes that I like to watch. Shut up, have we got the same beef? No, no, it's along the lines. Okay, I have programmes that I like to watch when you're not there. And when we're FaceTiming, of all hours,

I miss these programmes. And then I end up going to bed really late. And then I'm tired when I have to get up with Robin the next day. So, me beef is just stop facetiming because i can't do anything else i'm aware work and stop facetiming my beef with you this week was genuinely that when i ring you i had it for the car but it's a similar thing when i'm driving bored back from newcastle or something and i'll ring you just for a little chat to keep your journey going you have absolutely fucking none of it but when you're driving back from somewhere you ring me and you want you want me to fully entertain you for your entire car journey

right and similarly it is and similarly right when i'm in hotels you phone me wanting to chat something basically i think the whole point is when you want the conversation to keep going it has to keep going but when I want it to keep going oh I've got Call the Midwife to watch which is on demand

that you can pause you bastard right sometimes you ring me you rang me the other day I was in the hotel I was watching a film on film 4

plus 1 right and I can't pause it because it's not on demand in the hotel and I missed most of the film it was Apollo 13 I hadn't seen it for years you've seen it before though I don't care I was't pause it because it's not on demand in the hotel and I missed most of the film it was Apollo 13 I hadn't seen it for years you've seen it before though

I don't care I was really enjoying it that was one time that was one time well one time too many that I've done that yeah and yours are

yours are on demand and you can pause them you can watch them whenever you want and your husband's away false information what is? what you're spouting right now

it's false I'll not have it. What does Donald Trump say about when things are wrong? Let's see if you can get it. Let's see if you can get the catchphrase. Don't go on your phone. It's two words. It's two words. Come on. Scapegoat.

Is that wrong? 99% sure that's one word as well. But carry on. Come on. What does he say? What does he say? Come on. Let's get it.

Shit. Oh, it's literally on my tongue. Come on. Oh, God. Everyone listening. False allegations. Fake news. There we go.

Fake news. There we are. Oh, good God. I knew it. I wanted to say it ages ago. If you actually listen back, I'm probably going... I retweeted today a video of Donald Trump and I mean, I know he's a fucking moron.

Oh, what a pillock. Did you see the one I retweeted? It must be deep fake. It must be bullshit. Is this the video where he's saying something, he steps back and says a number? No, he literally goes like... Or something.

Yeah, he literally goes like... I just goes like it's i i i just can't get my head around someone can this be this stupid like he just goes uh if you shoot if you it's something like if you shoot me you'll have to kill us all something he literally says something and then it ends and everyone fucking claps something. But someone tweeted us a day saying that, because I retweeted it with, quite right, quite right. And someone messaged us saying, oh, what's happened there? He's gobbling away. He's probably got an earpiece in.

And someone on the earpiece has said, just say something. And he's went, something. Oh, honestly. Which is so bad. Like, it's so bad how is he are we are we being punked is the whole world being unbelievable in it imagine that imagine that motivational speech you know imagine churchill trump imagine churchill we'll fight them on the beaches something terrifying it's time for questions from the public from the public public public public public public public public okay well i just want to start off

the questions from the public this week by saying that last week i genuinely lost a little bit of sleep worrying about how disgusting the podcast was. Yeah. Thinking we're going to lose listeners. It's going to be awful. All we did was talk about shit. Trended on Twitter. And it went to number one in all of the charts.

Yeah. So you guys are rotten. Yeah. We love you for it. I love you all so much. It's crazy. Oh, can I just say? Yeah.

The big shout out uh nicola robertson is the lady who sent in the story about falling in the bin and the facial she randomly tweeted something about a gig for a gig being sold out yeah where she is so i've sorted her and her mate tickets to one of my gigs that was sold out because i get like press holds for each gig so they're coming to one of my gigs next year oh you're going to meet bin girl

I wouldn't go as far as meet her I'm probably she's going to be in the room and then I'm going to leave you're going to be

in the same room as bin girl yeah yeah that's exciting I was about to say I'll probably see her in her seat but she'll probably

be sitting in a little wheelie bin in the corner with her tits out for her facial but guys honestly last week's stories were just another level can i try i

tried to write this in a in a tweet uh this week and it wouldn't it didn't come across properly so i want to say this to everyone now i've done tv shows where multiple tv shows where you try and get a contributor so you go oh we'll get the audience we'll ask people for stories we'll ask people for these things they're always shit and there's hardly any of them and the response we get on this podcast of you guys just sending us stories and questions and everything it's absolutely better than any like the whole rule in tv is don't ask the audience for loads of stuff because you can't guarantee it it's literally 50% of our podcast it's amazing Rosie

round of applause for the guys listening love you guys thank you all so much if you want to get in touch at shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com send us your thoughts

your hopes your dreams your wishes your office polls Rosie what we got this is a great one this is a great one not rude

just very funny okay hi Chris and Rosie I love hearing the stories on the podcast about truly ridiculous shit that has happened to people This is a great one. Not rude, just very funny. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I love hearing the stories on the podcast about truly ridiculous shit that has happened to people and thought you'd like to hear my epic fail. Always! That's what we're here for. About five years ago, I was at a black tie event with my now ex-boyfriend.

Mmm. Hosted by his work. Mmm. The writing was on the wall and we were already well on the way towards our inevitable messy breakup. Oh.

Oh, indeed. Before the event and probably during it, we were bickering like mad and really getting on each other's nerves. I believe this is what led to him

going to the bar and ordering a round of sambucas for the table. Oh, God. Now, he knew that I hate sambuca and the smell alone makes me gag. I feel the table. Oh, God. Now, he knew that I hate sambuga, and the smell alone makes me gag. I feel the same.

I don't like sambuga at all. Again, I've talked about it in my stand-up. The person who goes and gets shots in and forces everyone to do it, prick. Oh, yeah, I hate shots. Literally, the person who's going like, right, oh, oh, everyone shot. Why aren't you having a shot?

Have a shot. No, it's going to ruin me night. Here, look, I've got a raw hypnol in my pocket. If I have a shot, you have a raw hypnol. going to ruin me night. Here, look, I've got a raw hypnol in my pocket. If I have a shot, you have a raw hypnol. We'll see whose night goes bad. Unbelievable. I agree. Not with the raw hypnol, though. Well, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to make them, you know, like a drug

that you can't drink. Where did you get it from? Did you get it from the robber? I robbed it from someone. My character. I took it from someone who was going to use it for bad things. And I'm just using it to get shot people back. Crush it up and put it on the side. Okay. Are you ready? Yes you ready yes determined not to let him win i did the shot the vile aniseed taste filled my mouth and i instantly regretted it for being there it wouldn't go away a few minutes later we then started chatting to the ceo and his wife but all I could think about was how to get rid of the rotten Sambuca aftertaste.

I noticed we were standing next to a cheese table and I had a moment of genius. Sorry. What? A table with cheese on or a cheese table? Well, it's a table with cheese on, not a cheese table. Some places have ice sculptures at parties,

at black tie events. This is a table. This could be the table made out of cheese. Like a cheese board. Imagine that at the end of the night. Guys, at the end of the night, it's a free bar and if you want to come up and get your photo taken, Chazard parties at black tie events this could be the table made out of cheese like a cheese board imagine that at the end of the night guys at the end of the night it's a free bar

and if you want to come up and get your photo taken having a bite out of the cheese oh it's my worst nightmare everyone having a little bite out of a table made of cheese

oh god oh let's go a bit funny okay I noticed we were standing next to a cheese table and had a moment I had a moment of genius.

A nice wedge of creamy brie would be the exact antidote I needed to neutralise the licorice-flavoured hell I was in. That's fucking disgusting, but fair enough. There's logic, I think, to our motivation. So, mid-conversation, I leaned over and cut myself a generous slice of cheese. And I mean generous. It was massive. As I shoved it into my gob, I noticed all three of their eyes widen with horror what I was doing.

I didn't understand what the problem was until I realised what was happening inside my mouth. It turns out I had just helped myself to a massive wedge of butter. And horsed it straight in like an animal. Can you imagine what they were thinking? It instantly melted and I was standing there at a black tie event with what was essentially a mouthful of vegetable oil. I had no choice but to swallow it down,

style it out and pretend like nothing had happened realizing afterwards that this made it even worse making me look like a butter eating maniac who does this on the that is phenomenal i enjoyed that that's like grabbing some ketchup and just squirting it straight into your mouth. That is just amazing. Well, I would do that, you see. Yeah, not in front of the CEO of someone's company. Probably not.

Oh, my God. Just a massive wedge of butter. That is just beautiful. That would have just been so disgusting. Oh, Sambuca followed with a butter chaser. Yeah. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health

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this next one i'm a little bit confused by this one, right? Okay. I don't know if it's just... Right, well, see if you understand why I'm confused. Okay. Okay? It's not worded great. Okay.

But anyway. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I had my wedding last week and I was very lucky to marry my new wife. We share many friends in common including my oldest friend. My friend, brackets, let's call her Ash for this story, is very cuddly after a drink and at my wedding she was all over me, hugging me a lot and very jumpy in front of me in a low-cut dress, so much so that I had to ask her to stop. My new wife was very uncomfortable with this. After I told her to stop, she turned her attention to my best mate and best man.

Let's call him Carl. Right. Needless to say, he doesn't need much persuading to show attention to a pretty lady. My problem is now he has a fiancée and a daughter. But I found out at the end of the night, Sam was very upset and Kenny left his hotel room to go and see her and found out they kissed and she says more was offered

but won't tell me if it went further. Who the fuck's Sam and Kenny? Where did they come from? Right, so... What the hell's going on? I don't know whether the people are called Sam and Kenny and this person forgot to change their names. Dude, you are the worst spy ever.

So I'm just like... No, no, hold on. So read that bit again. Right, okay. So after I told her to turn the attention... Okay. My problem is now he has a fiancée and a daughter, but I found out at the end of the night Sam was very upset

and Kenny left his hotel room to go and see her and found out they kissed and she says more was offered but won't tell me if it went further. So... He's just dropped everything. He's disguised the names at the beginning but then completely forgot about that and then just said who they are.

Are we allowed to put this out I don't I mean well there's a lot of Sam and Kenny's in the world yeah to be fair

yeah I just I was reading it like who are Sam and Kenny what happened to Ash and what was the other guy Sam was upset

Sam was upset so Sam was very upset and Kenny left his hotel room to go and see her. So I'm guessing Sam is his friend. Or the fiancé. Or Sam might... So Sam's either fiancé, not the wife, not his wife. So Sam might be the best man's fiancé,

but Kenny left his hotel room to go and see her. But why is Kenny not in a room with Sam? What the fuck's going on here? This is like a Hollyoaks script Sam is his friend in the low cut dress and Kenny is his best man

why was Sam upset then I don't know throwing herself at two blokes because he must have said it made his wife uncomfortable

right so then Kenny went to see her and then apparently the neck gone anyway yeah Jesus Christ and it says at the end what should I do tell him I know or leave him to it mate everyone knows Kenny went to see her and then apparently the neck gone anyway. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

And it says at the end, what should I do? Tell him I know or leave him to it? Mate, everyone knows now. Listen. We're cracked, you're caught. You fucking idiot. You cracked it yourself. Useless bastard.

I messaged it and it shrugged me right away for some advice. Oh, dude, I'm really sorry. I mean, if this stays in, you're, I mean, crazy. There's a lot of Sam and Kennys in the world. Yeah. I haven't got his name. I haven't got the person who sent it in, so don't worry. Right. Yeah, so, sorry.

I don't know. Honestly, dude, wow. You don don't maybe just tell him you know i don't even understand i don't understand the question tell him he knows what yeah let's move on no no no no i'm not moving on right i think guy who's married lass all over him right but he said that his wife shares just had to share. So Ash has been a friend of theirs for a long time. So she must have been really going for it. So if she's cuddly, the wife knows she's cuddly. Yeah.

But if she's really going for it at the point of where he's like, right, pack it in, I've just been married. So she's on one, this lass. So maybe she fancied him. I'm not sure. Then maybe she rebounds to the best man. Then the best man's up for it because he's not married yet. He's engaged.

Sam and Kenny fuck knows where they've come from I've got no idea they're running so who's he saying he doesn't know if he should tell

what should I do tell him I'm guessing he's saying who he's saying about his mate his best man should I tell him that I know

yeah definitely say I know that you kissed that lass what's happening with it are you going to tell your fiance you know Chris I've got no idea what's happening with it uh are you going to tell your fiance you know chris i'm honestly i've got no idea what's going on honestly i'm feeling around in the dark here i've got no idea what's happening let's just say it's four weeks since the wedding

right they've split up good anyway yeah and then it's fine yeah and i think and i think person who sent this email in maybe you should take some kind of creative writing course just to remember your characters' names. It was dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. That was a fucking disaster, dude. I love it. Here's a quick little story, which I don't think I've ever brought up on the podcast. Do you know when I used to sing in bands and that, me and my friend Steph sang at a wedding. The next day, the bride and groom split up.

Shut up. Honestly. Wow. The next day, over breakfast, they all had a meeting. All the families, both families had a meeting. And they decided to go their separate ways. What? I swear to God.

How did you hear about that? Through the wedding venue. Wow. I know. And it was not a cheap wedding. Yeah? It was a 25 grand wedding, at Wow. I know, and it was not a cheap wedding. Yeah? It was a 25 grand wedding, at least. Holy fuck.

What a waste of money. My word. I know. Jesus. Listen, do you want a poo story? Right. Or do you want a penis story? The double P's.

Let's go penis first. Take a pee Okay A little bit of a warning with this one Just to warn you all Okay If you're a bit squeamish about penises Right

Enjoy Okay Okay Hi Rosie and Chris I met my boyfriend of nearly two years now On an online dating app We exchanged messages for a few weeks And he took me on our

first date to the zoo best first date ever good really good first date that anyone listening who's single zoo amazing first date how come well because you're walking around you're discussing different things you can have things to laugh at things to take photos of it's more of an activity don't be going to pictures and sitting in the dark like i know i know unless you want to get fingered in the dark no i've been through Anyway, our third date happened to fall on the same day as his brother's wedding. Oh, no, brother's birthday. Sorry, birthday. So he took me to meet his family on the third date.

Third date. And we went out to his local for a boozy night out with his friends. His bestie is a landlord of a pub, so you can imagine how drunk we got. Wow. Now, I'm sure everyone here knows what happens on the third date. Mm-hmm. Do you know what happens on the third date? What happens on the third date?

A sexual intercourse, I'm guessing. Does it? She's obviously not a slag, like most of our listeners. Third date. All right, bloody. All right. Frigid. All right, Pride and Prejudice.

All right, Downton Abbey. Third date. Bloody hell. I'm wearing my love TikTok. Lady Grantham. We'd booked into a hotel, so in our drunken state, stumbled into our room and things heated up pretty quickly. However, in my drunken state, I think I got a bit excited

and somehow managed to retract my boyfriend's foreskin and got it stuck. The medical term for this, as I soon discovered, is parathemosis. Right. Apparently. I don't know how it's spelled. Do you want it spelled? No. No. My other half was in absolute agony and I didn't know how to help him. I tried pulling it back over, but he just made it worse.

Oh my God. I feel sick. Do you? Oh my God. Long story short, our third date ended up with a trip to A&A to get him sorted. Yeah.

And that's the story. Oh God. Sorry about that. I know people who that's happened to. Well, the reason why I kept this in was to just tell you that I went to school with a guy who was the year below me, and is this the same guy?

Snappy's Banjo. Bobby Banjo? Bobby Banjo. Do you know the same Bobby Banjo? I know exactly the same story. Oh, my God. Snappy's Banjo. Famous in Shields?

Famous, yeah. But do you know when that happened? That's a different thing. I didn't know what a banjo was. That's a different thing, though. That's a different thing. Is that the string? a banjo was. That's a different thing though. That's a different thing. Is that the string? The banjo is the little bit underneath that connects it,

the foreskin to the actual penis bit. Oh God, even that makes me feel bad. So a mate of mine when we were at university was having vigorous sex with a young lady. Right. And that happened, the foreskin went back and it's basically what it is is it's someone who essentially should have been circumcised

but hasn't been circumcised and it goes too far back and it gets stuck and it What was his name? I'm not saying his name, stop it. Just the first name so we can find a rhyme. We've got Bobby Banjo We need another, we need Ben We need all... Ben.

We need a little... Brisket Ben. That's... No, no. Would you brisket for a chocolate biscuit with Ben? Ben? No.

Oh, Banjo Ben. No, I've had Ben Banjo. Benny Banjo? Benny... Whatever. It's rank like. Full skin, two-fold back Ben.

Backy Ben. I actually, for a second there, thought that Bobby Banjo was the same boy who was in my year who broke both of his arms at the same time. How did he do that? I swear, I don't actually, I don't know. I think a wall was involved.

And he literally, he had two casts on and they were like Twister lollies and he was just up with them by his face. He just had them both up. Like an American football goal. Yeah, yeah up. Yeah. Like an American football goal. Yeah. Yeah. Like that.

Like an American football goal. Tell you what, if Bobby Banjo didn't have his bloody hands in cast he wouldn't have snapped his banjo away because he wouldn't have been fanning on with his tiddler. Very true.

Naughty little thing. Listen, don't masturbate. You'll break your banjo. It'll just be hard times. It's horrible. How dry must have that sex been another mate of mine yeah another mate of mine he snapped his banjo and uh masturbating too hard started bad i'd only heard this recently masturbating too hard started his banjo uh bleeding everywhere went downstairs to tell

his mom and dad and they were like what happened and he was like i fell over. And they were like, no, you didn't. You're like, I did, I fell over. Rosie, Rosie,

we've got a boy, we've got a boy, we've got stuff like this to come. honestly, get him circumcised, I don't care, I don't, I do not want Robin coming downstairs telling me

he's done, snapped, broke his willy because he's been masturbating. I remember once I had, I don't know what it was, like just the end of me dick was just sensitive for some reason. I lived at home, but I must have been like 19, 18, 19.

I remember walking up the stairs. Call VD. I remember walking up the stairs and I was just like, I don't know why it just hurt. I was like, hey stairs. Call a VD. I remember walking up the stairs and I was just like, I don't know why, it just hurt or something. I was like, hey God,

it's my mum. I don't know why I remember this, I don't know why I'm telling you. My mum was behind us, my mum was like, what's the matter? I was like, I don't know,

it must be like 19 or whatever. I was like, I don't know, the end of me dick's hurt for some reason, I don't know why. My mum was like, do you want us to have a look? I was like,

no, I'm 19. I don't want you to have a look. She was like, are look? And I was like, no! I'm 19! No, I don't want you to have a look. She was like, are you sorry? I was like, are you sorry? Fucking weird.

God, what a perv, your mum. Like, to see if something was wrong. I was like, no! Well, why not? Nah, but it's weird. Like, 19. Do you want to look at a man's knob to see what's wrong

it's weird this leads us on to another conversation right because I remember we were a very naked house grown up right

and it got to a point where I think we were like teens when my dad used to like run from his room to the bathroom with no clothes on

and you'd be like dad man and it got to the point where my mum had to be like Derek put a towel on and one time

I'd literally just seen him with like the smallest towel over his front and just like skirting into the bathroom and that image

has never left us to be honest it's never ever gone I still see it now hey at least you weren't sharing towels eh? oh no

I think we were probably oh fuff minging I think we were a towel sharing family I'm sure Sandra has told us that

well after listening to the podcast she's reminded you of that I think so even though you slagged off towel sharing as you were actually

a towel sharing family I grew up in a towel sharing family fantastic oh wait I used to wipe my arse in I didn't care back then

god do now clean as a whistle do you want a shit story or not? I grew up in a towel-sharing family. Fantastic. I used to wipe my arse in that. I didn't care. Back then. God. Do now. Clean as a whistle. Do you want a shit story or not? Always. Can't knock, can we not? Always.

Can it not? Dear Rosie and Chris, I've been a listener for a while now and been threatening my other half to send this story in for weeks. Wow. We are getting married in May and we have been discussing the best man speeches both of our parents have invited a lot of family.

Now, my mother-in-law to be is lovely, but she thinks her son is the most innocent and perfect form of the male species. Incredible. However, a few stories would prove that her precious little boy is far from innocent. The one story that she is not allowed to know is this one. Oh, thank you in advance. He went out one night after work with a few friends from football, One story that she's not allowed to know is this one. Oh, thank you in advance. He went out one night after work with a few friends from football.

A while blind drunk, he got a chicken kebab on the way home. Sounds a bit like the Zodiac. Is he the Zodiac? Update, we haven't actually found the Zodiac. Still haven't, no. We haven't done it yet. Well, no, she didn't do it. It was him, but obviously. So what should we call her?

The chataronera? The Zodiac victim. The first victim of the Zodiac DJ. Yeah. Yeah. Bet there's been more. Bet there's been loads. My bees thing.

Anyway, carry on. Oh. Um... Got a chicken kebab. He got a chicken kebab on the way home. He came in Stephen and brought in the kebab with him and put it on the bedside table. Now, we lived in a tiny flat at the time

which you had to walk around the bed to get on his side and the bottom of our bed was our TV. At 3am, he gets into bed while waking me to tell me about his night while tucking into his kebab. The dirty bastard. That's not... No, I'm sorry. That is the...

Whatever he's going to do that's involving shit cannot be his partner. Can you imagine being asleep and your pissed partner coming in from a night out and coming and sitting in the bed and eating a chicken kebab? I'd be livid. Dirty sod.

I'd be livid. That's the worst pattern ever. I'm like infuriated. If I'm stone cold sober and you come in and you just breathe on us, I'm like, turn over. It in and you just breathe on us I'm like turn over it's the most disgusting smell in the world. Eating a chicken kebab

in bed? Yeah vile. Fuck me After about 10 minutes he passed out however he had devoured his kebab in this time About half an hour later he suddenly sits up in bed and scares the living bejesus out of me. He then gets up out of bed and starts feeling the

wall around the room to find the door. While trying to wake him up as I presumed he was sleepwalking he made it to the end of the bed at least 10 steps from our en suite. At this point it was too late before I could realise he had pulled down his pants and decided to shit all over the TV. decided to shit all over the TV. Oh, the TV! I was screaming at him while trying to pull him to the toilet. He's the worst! He's the worst man in the world!

He was shouting back at me because he thought that's where he already was. He thought he was on the toilet. So imagine how raging he is because he thinks she's pulling him off the toilet. I'm on the toilet, man. What are you doing, you mad bitch? Now, this is the worst part.

He had just had a dirty chicken kebab. Oh, the smell. Oh, no. Oh, no. While shutting the en suite door, I started to clean the carpet and I was feeling physically sick. He then got back into bed, stepping over me like nothing had happened. After disinfecting the TV within

an inch of its life, I decided I would go sleep on the sofa. It smelled awful. He came down and lay next to me with a second chink of bath. Because he is Mr Prick. The next morning, he remembered absolutely nothing

and wondered what all the cleaning products were before. He thought I was making it up. That would be infuriating, can you imagine? Imagine me coming downstairs and being like, Chris, you shat on the TV last night. Shat on the telly? And you'd be like, I did not. I'd be like, that is not. I'd be like,

that is not something that I would make up. You shit on our television last night. On the telly? Like, what an inconsistency. Well, this is right. Sorry, you're watching that.

I don't understand how he shit on the telly. So he's obviously sat on the bit at the front of the telly and just knocked it out. So like the table then rather than...

Yeah, probably the bottom of the table. It's a flat screen. It's probably gone down the telly in there. one out. So like the table then rather than... Yeah, probably the bottom of the table. If it's a flat screen, it's probably gone down the telly in there. Oh my God. Oh God. Okay. So basically after a few days,

I started finding the humour in it, especially after he bought me a large bunch of flowers. So there you go, guilt flowers. However, he made me swear not to tell his mum because she would be mortified. Wow. Now the best man has begged me to let him put this story in the speech.

Oh, yes, you've got to, dude. But is our wedding the moment for her to hear it? Oh, you've got to put it in. Yes, definitely put it in. 110%, you've got to put that in. Definitely. It's amazing. And you can end with the joke,

now when they're in bed, they often laugh their heads off when they're saying, what do you want to watch tonight? Or nothing, there's a load of shite on the telly. Poor her. On the subject of being drunk with kebabs, someone told me the idea, I think there must have been someone,

my whole life's a blur at the minute with Strictly and everything, but I think there must have been someone on the crew at Strictly. Someone told me that they, a friend of theirs was in trouble because his wife had came in in the middle of the night and caught him. He'd been out on a night out. He'd came in and she caught him in the kitchen, sitting with Pornhub open on his laptop. Right.

Watching Pornhub after a night out, trying to have a cheeky wank. Dick in one hand and a kebab in the other who in their right mind sits down to do that after a night out with a kebab kebab in one hand, dick in the other what are you doing?

that's horrific that's a hell of a night in what is that? it's the worst crack ever how do you have sex with somebody after that? that's a riff that is I mean that's a hell of a night in what is that that's just oh god it's the worst crack ever how do you have sex with somebody after that

there's certain things isn't being married's really hard yeah because you just say stuff like that like yeah

when you're married to someone you marry someone because you love them and it's so lovely when you first start off and then just as time goes on inevitably you just see stuff that

you just think oh for fuck's sake yeah like the curtains are just pulled further and further and further back yeah you know what i mean you see all the inner workings you see all how all the magic's made you see everything but i mean it's weird because you end up you love them in a different kind of way yeah don't you yeah it gets closer and closer and closer yeah but it's yeah but bless him though like bless him he's just wanting to come in i'm guessing it's a dick in his hand yeah he's just wanting to come in how you bet porn on have a wank but have a right my point is finish your kebab first yeah that is the only point i'm the only problem i have with the whole story is finish your kebab And maybe don't have a wank in your kitchen. I know, what's he doing having a wank in his kitchen?

Maybe he's just really tired. And he's like, if I squeeze this in... I can't for the lifers remember where that story was from, but yeah. Unbelievable. It's a very good story. Unbelievable. Thank you. It's time for this week's celebrity question.

Celebrity question. And this week, just as he left Strictly Come Dancing, I managed to nab a question from the brilliant and honestly one of the nicest men I've ever met in my entire life. So nice. He's lovely. His whole family are lovely. He's brilliant.

It's Mike Bushell, everyone. Yes. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Loving the podcast. Here's my little teaser question. There's always been a bit of a life dilemma i guess so i've always fancied having a tail because i think you could do so much with it it'd be so expressionate whereas my wife emily has always fancied horns having horns so would you

rather have the power of a tail could be any sort of tail or the power of horns, the ability to grow horns. Now, I think with the horns section, I think we should include tusks. So it could be a rhino horn, devil horns or unicorn horn. But also to widen this debate, I think we can include like elephant tusks or walrus tusks. I think what you could do with them, you could quaffer them, stylize them, decorate them, have them pierced. So there we go. There is my question. Would you rather have horns or tusks or a tail? Let it loose.

Go for it. What do you reckon? He's one of the best people I've ever met. What goes on in his mind? He's a fucking nutter. I love him so much. He's genuinely amazing would you it's always been a life ambition of mine to have a tail i've always been in a tail

like it's a good question would you rather have a tail any kind of tail or would you rather have horns or tusks you can have a unicorn horn you can have one horn in the middle of your head you can have elephant tusks coming out from like your mouth, you can have massive walrus fangs, you can have just big ram horns or big bull horns. Well, you see, okay, right, yeah. I'd have to have a tail because I'm very clumsy and I would probably kill someone if I had a tusk or something. Right, okay.

So I'm going to go for a tail and I think the kind of tail I'd like would be like, not like lizard or dragon or something, like a fox tail. Right. Like fluffy and something that would stick up a bit.

Like, do you remember the Cadbury's Caramel? Oh, the bunny. I'd have like, where it was like sticking up a bit and you could, oh no.

She could like lie on it. It was like part tail, part chaise long. Well, that's what I would have. It was a chaise long hanging off her back. Yes, just a little sofa tail. Right.

So you basically, I can fix this, I can make this come true for you. You know them fold away chairs that fishermen have? I can just get you one of them and you can just carry a little chair around with you

and just be able to sit down all the time if you want. That's not what it is. No? No. Because I think that's what I want. This is fluffy. I think you just want to be able to sit down. Not probably. I is no no because i think that's what i wanted to sit down

um probably i would have probably went for a tail as well right then i text mike i listened to this this morning i text him saying thanks mate that's fantastic and he sent us another text and he elaborated i said thank you very much this is fantastic he said pleasure mate anytime one advantage i guess of horns no is that they regrow so you could harvest your horn and use it in cooking or whatever whereas tails are for life and you could get it trapped in a door is he okay? I think I would still go for tail but I'd go for like a monkey tail

or something or like a tail that could be really manoeuvrable so I could almost use it as like a second hand, as like a third hand to hold stuff for us sometimes you maybe hold a door open with your, if I could possibly hold a door open with my tail while I was coming in

with two things in my hands I'd possibly do that for instance I went more for the what it would look like right for instance before we do this podcast

obviously we're in London doing it in a proper studio now but before we do it in the house I really fucking hate the journey from my office to the

to the place where we recorded because I just it's just too much stuff to the place where we recorded because I just it's just too much stuff to carry I've thought, honestly Rosie, I've thought about getting a little trolley. Seriously? I've thought about getting a little trolley to push the stuff because I have to make two trips and I don't know why but it annoys us

What do people say when they say is your crown too tight or something? Is that a saying? Diamond slippers too tight and all that It's like first world problems isn't it but yeah I'd have a tail

so I could do stuff like that but yeah I definitely wouldn't be cutting my own horns off and using them and cooking I mean Mike I love you but you're a maniac thank you though

I'm now thinking which tail I'd want probably you know X-Men yeah the one what's the one that disappears who's blue

Kurt Wagner I'd have his tail yeah Nightcrawler yeah I would as well because he does no I said it first no because he does stuff with it I said it first Yeah. What's the one that disappears? Who's blue? Kurt Wagner. I love his tail. Yeah, Nightcrawler. Yeah. I would as well because he does... No, I said it first. No, because he does stuff with it.

I said it first. He does stuff with it. I said it first. I literally said that was the kind of tail I'd want. Right. I came up with that, though. I said that. Okay, right.

No, you can't. That's mine. Okay, listen. You can have it. If you can name the circus that he's in, you can have it. Oh, Wagner Circus. No, it's Kurt Wagner, but in the something circus, I was known as the Incredible Nightcrawler. In the travelling circus?

No. In the... It's a city. The Russian... Close, it's a city. Scandinavia? Mexico. Munich Circus, my tale.

And just like that, we've come to the end of episode 40. Thank you, again, thank you so, so much for listening. We can't believe it. Well, episode 40 means that we've done 40 weeks of this without missing a week now. This is great. We've done 40 weeks. High five.

High five. Love you. Still married. Love you too. Still married, still shagged, still annoyed. If you want to get in touch, it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Guys, please, please, please make sure you vote for me and Karen on Saturday night. still shagged still annoyed if you want to get in touch it's shagmarryannoyed at gmail.com guys

please please please make sure you vote for me and karen on saturday night even if we get good scores which we probably won't you've got to vote still because we've still had up in the bottom it's incredible the fact that you guys have literally pulled me and karen out of the bottom every week it's awesome thank you so much my tour is on sale for 2020. It is seriously, seriously selling out fast. Again, can't thank you all enough. Looking forward to getting a chance to actually write some jokes again at some point soon and go out on the road.

So it's buy from me, and it's buy from... From me. I've got nothing to sell. Why have you got all this stuff to sell? I've got nothing to sell. Hey, listen. What's this? A little chocolate. Do you want to sell this little got nothing to sell hey listen what's that what's this little

chocolate do you want to sell this little chocolate yeah no because I want to eat it I'm going to make something to

sell I love you guys see you later bye guys take care bye rock city you're the best fans in the league bar

none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday April 13th when the Toronto fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.