Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 42. Don't hate, hydrate.

Episode Date: November 29, 2019

On the podcast this week Rosie introduces Barry Beef and Chris expresses his bin and recycling issues. As well as this they discuss Strictly, make a return to Let's talk about S**t and have a brilliant celeb question from friend of the podcast Carl Hutchinson. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband.

He's paying the judges. Something fishy is going on. He shouldn't be in this competition any longer. He's made it to the quarterfinals. I'm shocked. You're shocked. We're all shocked together. But listen, he's there, and he's still going.

Christopher Ramsey. What are you doing? What's going on? I don't know. Who are you paying? Who are you shagging? Honestly, everyone. Shagging everyone.

Through dance. Shagging the entire nation through the medium of dance through their tellies. Eee, Chris. Crazy. Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. What's happening?

What is happening? I'm through. I'm through to the quarterfinals as strictly. Guys, again, SMAs, thank you for voting. Smars. Smars and Daz.

Thank you for voting. I love you all good good good golly luckily it's got to the point now where I can actually see the end yeah

so I'm okay for you to stay now alright good when you're midway yeah and you can't and it's like oh there's only another eight weeks

you're like really it's because you don't know it's like that's the thing the really weird thing with it is I can be out you know I don't know if I'm off next week or not like I don't know I could be like, that's the thing. The really weird thing with it is, I can be out, you know, I don't know if I'm off next week or not.

Like, I don't know. I could be off next week, or I could be working for the next four weeks. It's really strange not knowing. But hey, you know, I'll happily stay in as long as the public wants to stay in.

And this week, I didn't actually, didn't get murdered by the judges, which was quite nice. You got some good scores. I was, Karim and, so,

I've been thinking about this all week. Karim and Kelvin were joint top. Does that make me and Karen second or third? Third. No. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not the answer I was looking for, I'm afraid. Okay, yeah.

No, you're second. That's right, yeah. Should we crack on? We'll come back and talk about this. Sorry, actually, I'm contractually obliged to quickly do this week's lucrative sponsor. Really? This week's sponsorrative lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is hash browns.

That's because you've had a hash brown for your breakfast today. Really? Hey, hey, you having a brekkie? Eh? Want something a bit carby on there as well? Eh? Toast not doing it for you? Mushrooms a little bit watery, a little bit black? Get a couple of hash

browns on there, mate. Hey, they do big ones. They do medium ones. They even do little hash brown bites. Oh, you can get them in Subway. Oh, hash browns. Nothing wrong with a bit of hash brown. I'll tell you what there is wrong with, though.

People who have chips on a full English breakfast, get to prison. Horrible. Get yourself to prison now. Go into the local prison. Knock on the door. Explain to them that you have chips with your full English they will let you in and make you a bed up

room for the night maximum security room for the rest of your life animal hey tiny little chopped up potatoes on your breakfast as well prison

get your street no I know that I'm all for that no sorry oh oh it's the police they've come for you

Rosie yeah take her away lads excuse me prison do you do chips on the breakfast? Okay, great. No.

I'll have a lovely couple of nights to eat. Thank you. Can I take my pillow? I can take my pillow. You can't take your pillow. Is there a PlayStation in my room? Well, I'll not be using that actually. Good, thank you.

It's nice. Hey, listen. Nice to know. This announcement was brought to you by Hash Browns. Hey, Hash Browns. Greasy, golden, crunchy. I love a hash brown. I'm all for that.

Listen. There we are. I love a hash brown. I always feel really guilty after a hash brown, but they're very nice. Oh, special one from McDonald's. Oh, them are the best. Oh, it's like eating a big hard bit of lard, isn't it?

Get it down you. It's like eating a bit of kitchen roll that you've wiped the oil off your pan. Squeezing it in your mouth. Good God. Here's the jingle. Remembered this week. You did remember the jingle.

In your face. Well done, yeah. And then you completely killed the professionalism of it by quickly immediately saying, remembered the jingle this week. So well done. Well, we'll see. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Bab in. Have a little sit down. Have a sit down. Not sure what my accent was doing there, but welcome back. Thank you for coming back and listening. Thankfully, we haven't put you off. This is episode number? 42. 41.

41. It was 40 last week. Why are you? Why? No, no, no. Oh, shit. No, I'm not having this. No, no, no.

I'm opening it on my podcast app now. This is 42. 41 was Batman Lives lives next door this is 42 as yet untitled we title them once we've done talking shit and then we'll see what what's relevant apologies about that episode episode 41 42 good gosh are you, no, it's not, it's 41. I explained thoroughly why it was 42 and then you just reset back to, but you're an arsehole. Christopher, when are you going to know

I do not listen to anything that you say? You're talking, I'm smiling, it's not going in. Guys, before we continue, can I just say, honestly, thank you so much for still listening. Please rate, subscribe and like and all that stuff. What have you been up to? Me? Dancing on the telly? Other than dancing on the telly.

Nothing, that's all I've been doing. Doing me dancing. I've just been watching you doing your dancing. Eh, hey. Eh, hey. We'll talk, but listen, you can have five minutes

just to talk about it. Well, listen, before I even talk about that, I just want to bring up how furious I am about our bin situation off these Strictly parties. What do you mean?

Can we just start some kind of system where when people come to our house, people bring their drink and they bring their food. That's great, right? People, oh, hey, look, I've brought some beers.

That's great that you've brought some beers. I'm not bothered about the beers. But when you leave, will you take your empty beers with you, please? Because my cycling bin... My mum took three big black sacks yesterday at home. Yes, yes. And she put them in our front bin because the bin's full. She didn't take them home.

She dropped them in the bin at the top of the garden. She said she was taking them home. She didn't. She's a liar. She's an absolute fibber. Absolute fibber-rontus rex. Here's a little story from the Strictly party. Yeah? My brother is very different.

He's absolutely lovely. I love him so much, but he's stupid. He's a bit stupid, isn't he? Wow. God love him. Big love, Kev. No, he's amazing. Shout out to Kev.

But he's just stupid. This is how stupid he is. I went to the supermarket and I bought a big crate of beer, right? The fridge was full, obviously, of wine and gin and beer, so I couldn't fit it in there. I left it outside because it's cold, like, with the B in November. Left it outside. He came and he was like,

oh, my God, Rosie, someone's brought a crate of beer to your house. Who's dropped that off? I was like, eh? I bought it for the party. He thought a random person who wasn't at the party had brought a crate of Heineken. With a beer fairy. He thought it was a beer fairy.

Beer Santa. But you know when you're just like, I don't, he didn't say who from the party has brought this. He just said somebody has dropped this off outside your door i say you are legit stupid bearing in mind we've got security gates and a front gate you can't really get our front door so he thought someone had climbed over or somehow got in our you know compound yeah and just dropped them off and then ran in his defense we do get some free stuff yeah quite often.

And I think that's what he was thinking. I think he just thought Heineken had popped over, hide a couple of, like, a crate outside the back door, and he was just like, my God, have you seen this? Wow. I was like, Kev. Tell you what, I'd rather that than the cheese delivery I get off my management.

Is that still, that is still coming, isn't it? Still raging about that. Still absolutely raging. Still, I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a present, That is still coming, isn't it? Still raging about that. Still absolutely raging. Still. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a present, but a box of different cheeses every month. I hate cheese. It's the worst thing in the world.

It's disgusting. It's a massive box. It takes up loads of space in the fridge. And if you take all the cheese out of the box, it makes your fridge stink. It's awful. And I never normally slag off any presents I get off anyone because someone will have it.

But your mum has eaten that cheese every single week. Well, to be fair, it's been coming out at the Strictly party so it is getting eaten. I'm surprised your mum's not got gout,

the amount of cheese she's been eating from me. She probably does. She just hides it well. But seriously, I think it should be a rule that when people leave your house they should take some

recycling with them. It should be a new rule for the new, you know, what are we in? New decade coming up, 2020. New rule,

2020 onwards. Party. Bring your own recycling bin to a party. Wow, oh my God. Honestly. I'd love that. How have you got friends? I would absolutely love it if a...

Oh, who's there? All right, I'll just buzz you in the gates. And if them gates open and I saw our friends wheeling down the drive with a recycle bin each I'd be absolutely caught in the heat. Do you know what? The funny thing is

your friends actually wouldn't be surprised if you asked that. No, they wouldn't. They'd be on board with it. I doubt they'd be on board. I know for a fact that I'd probably get

a little bit of like why the fuck's he asked me to bring this and I'd go I'm really sorry. You're not coming in. You're not coming in. New rule for the Strictly parties

any family members listening bring your recycling bin or some kind of container to take some recycling home in or you're not coming please don't he's not here it doesn't matter

sick of it actually normal bins bring your normal bring your recycle bin and your normal grey bin please for your household waste actually do you know what it is

the garden waste that's backing up as well actually bring your garden waste bin and if I cut the lawn we'll put some and some leaves in there as well there we go

sorted thank you well actually it's not at my house this week it's at Nina's house people are finally taking turns

shifting locations I'm absolutely exhausted shout out to them the house is never a mess the house is never a mess the recycling's a nightmare Sandra tidies it up

I'm tidies up. Well, everyone chips in. Wow. But I'm still buzzing about Saturday. Cocker hoop. Oh, yeah, yeah. Cocker hoop. I'm not surprised.

Good scores. Through. Quarterfinals. Quarterfinals. Can you believe it? No. You're looking at her. No, honestly, Chris.

You're looking at Karen. No one can. Collectively, when we talked about it, I thought you might make it to week two, week three at a push yeah to gone this far and you know what

yes you're not a dancer and yes there is some fantastic dancers there we're all fully aware how amazing they are but you're bloody trying hard and you're not that bad when you watch it

you're actually pretty good I feel I believe the I believe the phrase is I'm getting away with it you get you are you're getting away with it

you're getting away with and some, actually. Yeah. You are. No, you're doing really, really well. But it's now, the competition is tough. It's really tough. And I think everyone who's in it now, I could see winning. Yeah.

Does that make sense? It's like, right, all of yous could win. Do you know, like, so all them little bits we do to camera and stuff. Here's some behind the scenes stuff for you guys. All the little bits to camera where you see, like, we're looking at the camera going, oh, it's week 10. Oh, the pressure's on. You'll hear everyone else, you'll hear Kelvin and Karim and all the other guys going like, well, the pressure's on. The competition's heating up.

Do you know the camera team always say to me, can you look down the camera and say the pressure's on? And I'm like, no. Every week I go, I'm not saying that because the pressure's not on. Because I'm literally feeling less and less pressure as i go because i didn't think i'd get this far i can't like i can't believe it like i'm actually astounded so they go oh is the competition getting tough and i'm like fuck did you see me week one no it's not getting tough it's getting fucking if anything i'm getting a bit better of it it's getting less pressure for me because i'm just still here i wonder whether that's actually going in your favor because rather than well no rather than feeling the pressure

and obviously the want to win and like oh gosh and it's so hard i've got better and better you're actually growing in confidence because you can't physically believe that you're still in the competition yeah so you're kind of just like well you know let's see what happens and obviously you've got a wife at home who's very much like can we please be done with this now can we please put the Christmas tree up can we put the Christmas tree up can we go Christmas shopping

can we possibly just get some stuff out of the loft that I need can you hang some pictures up can we clean the Bairns playroom get rid of some toys for the charity shop in time for Christmas please

there's just a lot of stuff to do. Got quite a lot to do. So it's all good. I've got a list of chores. Literally, before we go out for the results show every Sunday, me and Karen would practice the dance because we'll probably be in the dance-off this week. Since week three, we've been like,

yeah, we're in the dance-off. Yeah. We're in the dance-off this week. It's great that you haven't been in one. People keep asking, stop now, people just seem to enjoy the stupid faces i pull but people seem to think i do it on purpose i i don't that is your face you are you i tell

you this all the time you are so expressionate with your face to the point where i can say something and you'll reply but i'll know that you're lying by your reply because you can't hide the expression on your face yeah that is, yeah, that's annoyed me actually when people are like, oh, I've seen a couple of them go, oh, stupid, that stupid face. I'm like, he's on national television in a program with competition. Like, do you think,

do they not realize how long you stood there for? We are stood there as long as Tess makes that show go and through to next week is, and that gap, it's that gap they do on X Factor, they do it on all the shows. I remember watching X Factor on all them shows back in the day and strictly when I used to watch that gap, it's that gap they do on X Factor they do on all the shows. I remember watching X Factor on all them shows back in the day

and strictly when I used to watch that obviously when I wasn't on it and the go and through to next week is and in the gap from home I've shouted before. From home in the gap

I've went, fucking come on man, say it. So being there is a nightmare and this week my reaction was even worse because I was busy

doing a cheek puff. Do you know a cheek puff? Like a pfft. Like a pfft. I was busy just the tension was building up my body and i was just like like releasing it like yeah and i was about to do the cheek puff and just said mine and karen's name so i kind of catch it halfway so i look like i'm blowing up a fucking lilo and i'm just like lean back i mean if you haven't seen it it's on my twitter it's fucking ridiculous i'm so i mean i'm not embarrassed by it but i'm so unaware that i'm fucking doing it it's ridiculous it's you don't apologize for it

it's you it's your face like you know what i apologize for my face i apologize for my face do you know um i found it really funny watching the result show when um i think claudia said to karen like um did you think that you would get this far and honestly I never thought about this I bet Karen when she got you because she's always extremely good every year she's the longest running female pro

and she probably thought oh yeah like this is going to be really chill they got a new dog her and David adopted a dog halfway through the show because she probably thought you'd be gone. And now I'm like,

bless her heart. She hasn't even seen the dog. No, she's only seen poor little Phoebe. And David, our partner, who's so lovely, by the way,

and he listens to this. Hello, David. Big love, David. We love you, brother. Bless you. You're probably devastated. Honestly, there was no hesitation when Claudia said, did you think you'd still be devastated honestly there was just there was no

like there was no hesitation when Claudia said did you think you'd still be in just like no not a chance I was like I can't argue with that

she absolutely didn't it was great she's great like I was saying this to weirdly our little boy's headmistress today at the nursery it's a lovely

lovely program and you've been involved in so many things in the years that we've been involved in so many things in the years that we've been together. This is by far the nicest team, the nicest show. It's a family show.

And, you know, to be involved with it, it's really, it's just lovely. It's just really, really nice. From the moment you walk in the door at that studio to the moment you leave, everyone is just spot on. Yeah. It's really cool.

I think yeah definitely definitely now and even in the last few weeks of people like where Michelle when that was a massive shock saffron was amazing well anybody could win the minute Dev when I was like right this shits a lottery yeah this is a lottery yeah doesn't matter doesn't matter what happens you've just got it just you could go out every any week and that's the case you know carrots or Karen hasn't been in any of the um performance numbers so you know like andrea bocelli's been on luke evans has sung all these people have sang yeah and karen's not been in any of them because

she's still in the competition um i think she genuinely thought she'd be gone because she's doing the she's doing the number this week coming so for musicals number it's uh for musicals week it's a dina menzel is that's performing and Karen's in the dance and I'm honestly she she probably thought I'll do that one week 11

because the fucker will be gone by then oh my gosh still here bitch sorry Karen better get a barocadoni you're gonna have a busy day bless her

she might as well have a little bed on that train poor Bane he honestly babadoo babadoo babadoo what else have you been up to well

just want to brag a little bit okay me and you you and I today have been to see Robin's nursery teacher oh yes

and er there's always a little bit of like oh god what is he gonna be okay because he can be a bit of a twat

at home let's not beat around the bush well yeah but you see but what we found out now is that actually at nursery he's good as gold yeah and he just saves his twatness for when he comes home if anything i'd like to bring a bit of that niceness back he does sometimes so i was i'm not i'm not afraid to admit i was crying in the nursery when just telling him how nice he is it's just beautiful beautiful that's all you want your kid to be nice it was amazing what you said well above yeah so the thing that we took away most of us that um apparently

robin um if you don't know robin he's four he's just turned four he's in nursery school he's in a in a school nursery and uh there's a little child in his class who's got special educational needs and apparently robin out of no way never got asked or anything he he helps this child and he's befriended this kid and whenever they're a little bit stressed or anxious, he goes and gets them there. What was it? They have like toys, like a toy with them.

That's like a comfort and toy. And yeah, and when the signs that they're about to have a little bit of an issue, Robin will, apropos of nothing on his own, go and get their stuff and go and give it to the kid. Honestly, me heart could have burst. Honestly, I i'm so proud it's the nicest thing so proud because i don't know where he gets from because i was a bastard high five i know that was all right i was all right no i'm just dead proud i think that's all you want for your

kids i'm not bothered i'm not bothered that much academically obviously i'd want them to do well but i think it's more important for kids to be nice people and to be kind and to be caring about other people and you know stuff like that can come big shout out all the parents out there every time your kids had a meltdown in the supermarket in a car park remember when you want to pick them up and carry them out of b&m bargains that time yeah whenever that's happened it's all worth it pleases and thank yous big love especially to the moms out there because rosie i don't like complimenting you you know this but I'm away so much

and you've done most of that it's all down to you how good he is there's no punchlines there's no jokes coming here I just want to say

I'm really proud of you and I love you congratulations thank you thank you that's lovely thanks and yeah

I know and she's back we're back you paid for the nice holidays though I never fucking went on them did I being at home

true story babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for watch a beef oh yeah man I thought I told you

he's back it's someone someone got in touch on twitter this week and we've decided thank you for that I can't remember my name

but thank you for the suggestion but someone suggested that we should call Rosie's character Barry Beef is that what he's called that's Barry Beef so here's Barry Beef

this is Barry's gonna introduce the beefs listen me name's Barry I'm full of beef if you come back round here again

you're gonna get a bunch of fives I swear to god what's your beef you just punched the microphone cover she was so excited she just punched the mic you're a fucking idiot right ladies first

what's your beef my beef this week it's funny enough something that's been happening for a long long time good god but for some reason it's happening more often. Okay. Very frequent. Okay.

You keep pulling nose hairs out your nose to try and make yourself sneeze. It's fucking horrible to witness. Yeah, yeah. It's vile. And then you do that horrible thing where you're waiting to sneeze, like, vile and then you do that horrible thing where you're waiting to sneeze like looking looking up and then you like put your hand in my face as if not to speak yeah and can i just tell you now somebody else talking does not put you off a sneeze does it does though doesn't it does it doesn't and the biggest trick you can do is say bless you when someone's trying to sneeze when

someone's busy trying to sneeze if you say bless you and you put them off oh hey oh i've told you my rule before if you put someone off the sneeze the next one goes in your face that's the rules that's true that's the rules but what's with the pulling your nose here it's really it's horrible i know i know i think i've talked about with me stand up before so one day i did have a little nose hair and i just little give it a little tug and i was instantly sneezing and it was i think i've mentioned it before it was the best weekend of my life it was amazing loved a little pull and now i've i've never it was such a high i've never experienced a high like that since i keep rummaging around in my nose for hair that's good for our sex life yeah it's nice to know yeah well you know uh i keep rummaging about my nose for uh for hairs

for that'll hit the same little spot but it doesn't seem to happen if it does no no i'm i'm i'm i mean honestly i'm at the age now where the nose hair is the nose hair is starting to grow like did i tell you i've got a little electric nose hair clip have you really yeah yeah i wanted to make up a makeup lady give us on a tv show before so i don't know like she was like just do you know i didn't know a little electric you put it up it's like a little that's horrible that like there's no worse than old blokes with long nose hair and ear hair honestly i don't know what's happening with my body. That's just making it just...

When you get to... And I'm only 33, but my nose hair is just like, right, I'm trying to catch up to the rest of your hair now. I'm not being funny. I'm 33. My boobs are practically touching the floor. No, they're not. How dare you come round here talking about your little nose hair

so you can trim off. What am I going to do about my boobs, eh? Just keep your bra on, you absolute slob. Honestly. Your bra removal time gets earlier every night. I've now not liked it. Taking your bra off, I'd get half eleven in the morning.

Bra's off for the day. Rosie, I haven't left the house yet. No, bra's off. I hate wearing a bra. No. I hate it. But unfortunately, I've got got to i can't imagine it being fun like i don't like wearing stuff it hurts like it digs in at the back yeah do i mean

is it like wearing a backpack on the front uh yeah a bit i think yeah no like them jansport backpacks that have a little you've seen them backpacks i've got the little buckle across the front as well like oh yeah i see people with them but you see people like walking down the street like imagine if you're climbing a mountain what you're buckling it at the front for like what's happened how many times have people ran past and stole your back what are people driving past out of vans and hanging out i think don't they do that though because they get really heavy and it's like just extra support there is a logical reason i did i'll be honest with you i've got an issue with people who always wear backpacks. They piss us off. Why?

Just people who've always got a backpack on. You must know. You must just know someone who's always got a fucking backpack. My ma. She's always got a drawstring bag on. She's always got a bag. She loves a backpack. My ma loves a tote.

You know my ma buys tote bags. She one of them? From places. Wow. Like she really, actually no, she didn't even buy one. She bought one for me auntie for Christmas. Right. She bought me auntie a

tote bag Jesus Christ from Liberty Jesus wow just a bag to put shit in my mum carries shit

everywhere with her she's always got an extra pair of shoes or a fucking scarf or just a bit of shit she just carries oh god yeah

do you know what actually you know as well and I'm not slagging off people who hydrate here but i'm starting to get annoyed by how big no you'll get it i'm starting to get annoyed by how big people's bottles of water are that they're carrying around what do you mean stupid now i've not seen the people who carry around it looks like a fucking oil drum oh with the big handle things there's

them but there's a one honestly so i'm doing it here on me on my hands it literally looks about a foot by a foot it's like fucking, it looks like a miniature version of the thing on the top of a water cooler. Yeah. I just, how much water do you need? Like,

I drink water, you know, as much as I can, but some people just fucking carry. God damn it. I don't know why I find it annoying.

I just do. I feel like I'm showing off. Because it'll just be one of them people though who's just like, look at me and me water. Do you know what I mean? You're like,

everyone drinks water. You don't have to have it brandish it on the person. Do you know what I mean? You're like, everyone drinks water. You don't have to have it brandish it on the person. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what else I'm getting sick of? I'm getting sick of the phrase plant-based diet.

It's starting to annoy us. Okay, why? It's starting to irritate us. People keep saying it. It's starting to piss us off. Plant-based. Oh no, I'm plant-based now. Fucking, what are you?

Oh God almighty. It sounds like you just eat flowers and weeds. Yeah, yeah. He has a handful of daffodils. Fuck off. So we're not slagging off being vegan or anything. If you want to, that's absolutely fine.

Anyway, so have I got away with my beef this week? No, no, no, I've got a beef for you. Oh, great. My beef with you this week is, and I can't believe I'm only just bringing this up now. You've done this since the moment we lived together. I'm fed up the back teeth of it. Fed up, right?

You do it all the time and I'm sick of it. You have no regard or respect for loaves of bread that you buy from the shop. It's, you will throw, I've seen you do it. You scrape in the barrel of your Ramsey. No, I tell you, the barrel yeah Ramsey I'm looking at that cupboard

over there cupboard under the oven where we keep the bread go and see the fucking state of the loaf of 50-50 that's in there it's disgusting looks like someone's been

playing football with it outside honestly so you put it in the bag I've seen you I've seen you you put it in the you put it in the carrier bag and you just

so I sometimes carry the bread separate to the carrier bag when I'm leaving the supermarket because I don't want the integrity of the loaf destroyed. You will throw it in the bottom. You'll hide apples on top of it, avocados, fucking chickens, everything. And then you come back and it looked like you had kicked it into that cupboard.

It was twisted. It's knackered. There'll be three or four slices that are fully intact in there. It just goes in the same way. It doesn't. It doesn't even look nice. None of them are nice slices. They're all like zigzagged

and like star shaped now. Honestly, you've got no respect for bread. Is it because you don't eat bread that much? Yeah, I don't eat bread that much. That's very selfish. That's very selfish. But I just,

I've got nothing to say about that because I just, I'm not very good at packing shopping. I am. I'm not very good at looking after bread. I'm not very good at looking after bread. I'm not very good at looking after bread. Don't let Rosie babysit your bread. She'll let it stay up late.

It's never been part of me, yeah. Me person. I'm not very good at looking after bread. Babysitters from hell. This young lady babysat a loaf of 50-50 and it disappeared. Like, this just goes to show, though, we are so, we're so different.

I know I say this all the time. But the fact that that's annoyed you, that there's a loaf of bread that I haven't properly packed, is just, in my eyes, the saddest thing I've ever heard. Do you know what I mean? But I like bread and I like the toast to be

nice. If I'm making a sandwich now, I can't put a bit of ham in there flat now. I'm going to have to cut a little triangle out the side of the ham because you've squashed the bread. You've squashed the bread in. It's like a cracker shape now. I've got time to worry about how the bread is. Let's move on. Selfish.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every post-season game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch,

it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. You keep sending incredible, brilliant, and lovely, and crazy, and weird stuff, and we can't thank you enough for it. Please keep it coming. We love it. It's unreal. I'm still only scraping the surface with these questions.

It's unbelievable. It's mad how many interactions we get. Email, sorry, that we get. It's craziness with these questions. It's unbelievable. It's mad how many interactions we get. It's my email, sorry, that we get. It's craziness. Thank you. It's great. Are you ready for my favourite bit of the show? Yeah.

Oh, I forgot about this. Here we go. Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits all the bad shits that have been let's talk about shit let's talk about shit with a little bit of shit let's talk about shit shag married and shit when are you gonna join in on that uh next week i'll join in i've got an idea for next week's as well all right i've come up with a new theme tune for a new feature

alright wow for next week so that's going to be exciting okay goodness me got that coming can't wait okay this is this is intense

okay let's go right I don't need to explain that we're just doing one poo I said last week didn't I that we're doing like one poo story a week

oh yeah yeah so if you're not aware that jingle just means that we're going to try and keep it to one fecal based story per week. Oh yeah, yeah. So if you're not aware, that jingle just means that we're going to try and keep it to one fecal-based story per week because it was getting ridiculous. Although I know you all love it.

Can I just tell you though, all like 80% of the questions that we get emailed are about shit. Yeah, yeah. People's personal lives. Yeah, it's fine. It's great.

I love it. Okay, here we go. Dear Rosie and Chris, I've contemplated emailing you this story several times but couldn't quite bring myself to put it down on paper oh wow please note i have never told anybody this story as it is just too embarrassing and extremely gross oh wow when i heard the let's talk about shit jingle i Oh, this podcast is ridiculous! Oh, Jesus!

I'm just so glad that it's touching people in just all the ways that I had only ever imagined. Oh, no! Chris, just sitting, listening to this, just picture this man or woman just sitting, listening to the podcast and just hearing the jingle and going, you know what?

Finally. Finally. Finally. It's time to tell my story. This is my opportunity to tell my story. You know, if that fecal-based song hadn't came into my life, I would have took this story to the grave. But thankfully... Fucking amazing.

Do you think we'll get a programme? What channel would it be on? I doubt it very much. What channel would it be on where I can do that, like with a choir let's talk about shit right ready

so when I heard the let's talk about shit jingle so glad you enjoyed it I thought it's time they need this story for me and for fellow shit loving

smars everywhere wow so it's a bit long but it's it's good so that's what she said

apparently i was 24 and i lived alone after a horrendous breakup i'd started seeing somebody new as this was a new relationship i was very aware that i shouldn't be farting pooing burping etc when my new boyfriend let's call him richard was about let's hope she keeps that code name and doesn't drop it halfway through the story she does she does um however i soon realized that this was extremely difficult when richard was spent spending several consecutive nights in my house oh yeah boned up there is one very important factor about my house that is relevant to this story, or even the cause of this story. The bathroom and the toilet are separate.

They are right next to each other, but they are two separate rooms. Yeah. Okay, so the toilet's probably just like in a little one. Yeah. Old school. So, as I was trying to act like a very ladylike, pristine young woman, I did not want to poo in my own house

in fear that Richard would go to the toilet straight after me and smell it. Poo, alas. Do you know what I mean? Or that he would smell it wafting down the corridor and therefore know that I had done a poo. Why do we all do this? It's ridiculous, isn't it?

We put ourselves through utter hell. Like Richard's going to go, he's just sitting watching the telly, he's like, hey, I'm so glad we got together. You know, I'm so happy we met each other. I love you. I love you too. Hold on.

Do you shit? Do you shit out your bum? You are never, you lie to me. You lied. Oh, God. We all do it, man. Come on, guys.

I'm not sure why I thought Richard wouldn't think about me pooing. I guess I just didn't want him to smell it and picture me banging one out. Or what if he noticed I'd been in the toilet for a while? He would have definitely knew I was pooing and I could not cope with that. Good God. I get it. I really needed to go and I knew that cope with that. Good God. I get it. I really needed to go and I knew that doing it in the toilet

and chancing him walking in after me was out of the question. So, I went into my bathroom for a shower and contemplated how I was going to do this. Could I do it in a bag and throw it out of the window? Ridiculous. Do you know what's the saddest thing here?

Yeah. It's her house. It's her house, yeah? It's her house. It's her house, yeah. It's her house. This is her house. Yeah. And her toilet.

And her rules. Like, why? If you want a shit in your house, love, you have a shit in your house. Can I just say I know exactly where she's coming from here. Because if the toilet was in the bathroom, you could have a shit and have a shower. And it would cleanse the room. And it would kind of go. It would cleanse the room. But they're not, they're separate.

Yeah, yeah. So, she was thinking could she do it in a bag and throw it out the room but they're not they're separate so she was thinking could she do it in a bag and throw it out the window but no there was no bags um the poo was coming out brilliant i had no other option but to shit in my own hand shut the force it down No Oh my god Oh Oh I can see it I can see it I've shut my eyes and I can see it I can feel it

With the help of my running shower head It took a lot of prodding And the most forceful setting on the shower Oh god I looked at the shower head There were three settings Normal normal, massage, and shit chop. I've seen the shit chop one. It's the one in the middle that squirts out really fast.

Lightsaber. So, yeah. So, needless to say, this was a harrowing experience that I wish never to endure again. This is the worst thing I've ever heard. And so I got to that really quickly. I didn't realise it came so quick, but yeah. She just shit into her hands and put it down the plug in the shower.

That is the grimmest thing ever, isn't it? That's just horrendous. Have you ever done that before? No, I've never done that before. Oh, my God. So bad ever done that before? No, I've never done that before. Oh, my God. So bad, isn't it? I would go as far as to say she is in probably a very, very, very small minority

who've done that before. I've not done it. There must be, in the world, maybe a thousand people who've done that. Are you joking? There's more than that.

No, not for that reason. Chris, I'm sorry, right? I think people will be doing that. Are you joking? There's more than that. No, not for that reason. Chris, I'm sorry, right? I think people will be doing that on the regs. There's some horrible people in this world. You don't have to read the emails. Are you kidding me? There'll be so many people who poo in the shower and just put it down the shower.

That's just, I can't believe it. I can't believe she pushed it down the shower. I mean, it worked, but at what cost? I know. At what cost? shower that's just i can't believe it i can't believe she pushed it down the shower i mean it worked but at what cost i know at what cost oh man so sorry about that honestly i've gone i've gone all funny i feel terrible pushed it down the throat you're sincerely the girl who shat down the plug hole jesus but you didn't even shit down the plug hole who shat down a plug hole. Jesus. But she didn't even shit down a plug hole. She just shat her hand and delivered it down the plug hole. Right, that's what I don't get.

Why didn't she just squat over the plug hole? I know. And do it there? So she put it in her hand and then tried to feed it through, like unmaking a sausage. She pushed it through. Like unmaking a sausage. Why didn't she use her foot?

What she used her hands for? Wow, I mean... Oh no, she used the shower head. Oh, God. Crikey. That's one of the grimmest stories we've had. It's lovely, though, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's amazing and thank you for sharing

and shame on you. Oh, my God. Oh, good Lord. More of them, please. Shagmaridanoid at gmail.com. Thank you. All of them, thanks. Here's another one.

Dear Rosie and Chris, my fiancé and I have been together for three years and we are due to marry in 2020. Congratulations. Congrats. Sorry, I was... Do you know what it is? Do you know what it is there?

I was trying to work out when 2020 was. It's next year. Isn't that crazy? It's next year. I know. 2020. Terrifying. However, it has recently come to my attention that she has a sneaky addiction to something

quite bizarre. Huh. Mm-hmm. When in the bath, she likes to have a little snack of bubbles. What? As in bubble bath bubbles. Right. Right.

Now, is this weird or is this weird? But... She eats bubbles. Right. Now, is this weird or is this weird? She eats bubbles. Right. Are we talking she eats the bubble bath mixture or she eats the... She eats the actual bubbles. The bubbles. The bubbles that, you know, when you're in a bath of bubbles. Yeah.

She eats the bubbles. The foam on top that I make a beard out of. Yeah. And a hat. Yeah, yeah. She eats them. What the hell's wrong with her? I don't know.

Why does she do this? I don't know. Like the worst candy floss ever. It's put here. What makes it even stranger, in my opinion, is that it is only bath bubbles she'll eat. Apparently, bubbles from washing up liquid aren't clean because they've touched washing up.

What? Oh, Jesus. So, enhanced soap bubbles don't hit the spot it's only bubble bath bubbles that she will eat oh wait what love why have you why are you running a bath you had a bath i thought we're gonna sit down and watch a film no i'm just getting myself a bowl of bubbles i'm starving man is your popcorn ready myself a bowl of bubbles. I'm starving, man. Is your popcorn ready? Because my bowl of bubbles is nearly ready. Psycho.

Tell you what. I could deal with a bit of that, though. Yeah? Why, aye? No calories. Rosie, do you want to chomp on them bottles of celebration or do you want a bowl of bubbles? It's up there with Little Britain.

Have a bit of dust. A bit of dust. It's up there with that. Have a bit of bubble bath bubbles. It is. What are you getting from that I don't know For the future

Guys listening for the future If you're going to send something like that in I need more than that What flavour What make Is it Redox What is it I don't know

But this is like Something that I used to read in magazines when I was younger. Do you know, there's certain things that have never left me that I've read in magazines. Okay. So there was one woman who was addicted to drink and nail varnish. But. Used to drink bottles of nail varnish. Surely she's dead now. Possibly.

It was a while ago. Oh. Yeah. Used to drink bottles of nail varnish. There was a full feature about her. Oh, great. I mean, she looked like. I mean, you had to do a lot less to get famous back in the a while ago. Oh. Yeah. She used to drink bottles of nail varnish. There was a full feature about her. Oh, great. I mean, she looked like... I mean, you had to do a lot less to get famous back in the day, didn't you? Yeah.

Fucking double-page spread. It was Amanda Holden! Double-page spread for drinking nail varnish. Honest to God, but actually, when you looked at the picture, you were like... Yeah. She looked like... You just knew... Do you know what I mean? Very bright red teeth.

Very dry lips. Very... Cracked. There was another one that... This is gonna... You're gonna love this. I watched this on a program, actually, an American program. There was a lady who used to eat nappies.

Shh, no, no, nah, nah, no. Used. Used. Fuck off. So a child would have a nappy and she would like suck the nappy after. No, nah, nah. I swear.

Oh. From the outside though. Oh, that's fine then. So say they use nappyby you'd wrap it up and then you'd she'd used to like suck on the outside of it

that's oh my god that is disgusting honest to god that is disgusting yep oh my god mm-hmm

so it's because so there's there's chemicals in there that kind of stop the there's chemicals well it's like the gel stuff isn't it

but then it will be mixed with like kids wee oh you dirty horrible I don't think she did it the pooey ones oh oh no

I know I love stuff like that though do you not remember them programs well we've got we've got a mate who says a friend of hers

I can't remember who it is but a mate who says a friend of hers when our kids wake up this isn't that weird it's a bit strange she said when our kids wake up, this isn't that weird. I mean, it's a bit strange. She said, when our kids wake up, she goes, come here,

let us smell your breath. And she loves our kids' breath when they wake up in the morning. Who is that? And he goes, she just sniffs our kids' breath. I can't remember who told us. Someone told us that.

I don't know who that is. I can't remember who that is, but it's genuinely, that is genuinely someone told us that I mean it's fine if you know I love the smell of Robin's hair

I do oh god I buff that in like I don't know but I mean he's to be fair he's breath sometimes I know

when he's poorly poorly breath I heard an interesting little dilemma from someone this week okay I was talking to someone

I was working with and this young lady had been Interesting little dilemma from someone this week. Okay. I was talking to someone I was working with. Mm-hmm. And this young lady had been approached by a gentleman. Right. On Instagram saying he'd seen a photo of her and he liked her feet. Mm-hmm. And he wanted to pay her £600 to send a video of her feet to him. Okay.

Right? £600? £600, yeah. And me and someone else in this last one were all talking, and we were saying, you might as well just do it. And then he was saying he won't send the money until after she sent the video because it's been done in the past. Right? He's like, no no i've been conned before so apparently um she asked i said well look why don't you get half up front and half at the end

and then if he slags if he fucks you off at least you've got 300 quid yeah right yeah uh she ended up um like facetiming him or whatever or like skyping him or whatever on her phone and having like the camera on her feet no right and then he was saying like oh can i see your face as well and she said no uh her mate a lad who she knows was in the room with her at the time when it was happening just sitting there quietly and the guy didn't know he looked at her feet for six minutes right then he heard the lad sneeze hung up the call messaged us saying no i don't like your feet shut didn't give her any money so i said should i didn't like them i went no he had a six minute went over your feet and he hung up six minutes and he didn't pay you. Oh,

that I'd feel so used. Aren't men, aren't some men just disgusting? Like, I know someone as well, another girl I know who was involved. Don't,

no, we need to talk about this for a little bit longer. I can't, we can't just skip. No, it's not a similar thing. Another girl I know

who's involved with it. No, no, she was involved with a comedy club that I played back in the day. She used to sell her old shoes for fortunes. Wow. Because blokes used to sniff them.

I would do that. Yeah, so would I. Absolutely. Nobody's asked for mine. No one's getting hurt, yeah. No, no one would. But yeah. Thanks for that.

A six minute FaceTime. Yeah, a six minute one, yeah. Could she hear him wanking? I don't know. I don't think he had. I think he had no audio or video at his end. I think it was just he was watching. Oh, Jesus.

But you know what's horrible? What? That man has got her phone number. Was it a man? It was definitely a man. And I can't put my finger on how they did it exactly. But I don't think he's got her phone number. I think it was something.

I think it might have been a Skype account she set up. I'm assuming it was a Skype account just one that she randomly set up and she didn't even get paid didn't even get the money she was like yeah she literally said so naive

she went yeah he said he didn't like them I went no he liked them for six minutes he got exactly what he wanted and that was that and then your mate sneezed and he got a fright

and he left and he was like who was that apparently he wrote like who was that no I didn't like your feet and then he was off cut your nails love

ta-ra no I'm like you couldn't look at them again could you your feet I couldn't look at my feet again

probably I'd be like you dirty little bastard you little pair of slags aye two little slags yeah I couldn't I'd feel

violated awful it's time for this week's celebrity question Two little slags. Yeah, I couldn't. I'd feel violated. Awful. It's time for this week's celebrity question. Celebrity question. Long time coming for this guy to give us a question. It is the infamous Mr. Carl Hutchinson. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

First of all, I just want to say thanks very much for grassing us up on a weekly basis. There's been plenty of times I've been to NASDA and somebody said, yes, Carl, you do actually dress like a tramp. You do dress like somebody who's going to shout at buses. And I can't believe you've weed on your own washing. So again, thanks for that. Now, as I'm lying here in bed hungover,

I would like to ask you both, and you can answer this individually or as a couple, what is the most hungover you have ever been and was it made worse because you had to do something important the next day? Keep doing what you're doing. Love you on the show. Thanks very much. Bye.

Thank you, Carl Hutchinson. Thank you, Carl. And sorry for always slagging you off, but I'm about to do it again because I asked you for a question. You recorded that question at two o'clock this afternoon. You are still in bed at two and I hate you for it. He's still in bed? Still in bed. He just said that he's lying in bed as of two o'clock this afternoon. You are still in bed at two and I hate you for it. He's still in bed?

Still in bed. He just said that he's lying in bed. As of two o'clock this afternoon, before we started this podcast, when he sent that, he was still in bed. What a life. Awful.

Oh gosh. Very jealous. The most wrong over I have ever been in my whole life was when I went to see Little Mix that time. And I got lulled into the little bottles of wine. Little bottles of wine make you feel fine. But they don't. No, they don't.

Had a really good night. Don't remember most of it. But then the next day I was disgustingly hungover to the point where I had to hold my head. Because if I didn't hold my head, I thought I was going to die. I do remember this, yes. It's actually documented. Oh, it was on Facebook

but I've got rid of my Facebook yeah it's somewhere the video is online somewhere yeah but thankfully you were here which was nice

I was here and Robin had a stomach bug do you remember so he just sat he just sat on the sofa all day with me it was like yous were both hungover

it was really weird yeah really weird good times most hungover I've ever been it was it was self inflicted on two levels so a hangover self-inflicted anyway but um mate of ours uh richard owns the the seafood temple at south shields the common the common seafood temple and uh he gets this beer

called samuel smith's organic lager yeah and he first introduced it was when we knew before we had robin when we'd only just got married i think you were away for the weekend we used to love each other yeah you were away for the weekend rosie and i was doing a i was busy previewing a new show i think to take the edinburgh fringe or just to take on tour i'm not sure so i went out on saturday night and and i had people around first while just playing pool in the house and messing about and then we all went out. Richard bought a case of this beer around, this Samuel Smith's Organic Lager.

And I don't know why, I don't know where I got it from, but I got it into my head that because it was organic, you didn't get a hangover. That sometimes does happen. I don't know where I got it from. I don't know why I decided this. I was loudly telling everyone that if you just drink this, you'll not get over because it's organic and it's lush it's like five and a half percent i drank so much of it yeah i woke up the next day furious at myself feeling worse than i've ever felt in my entire life yeah i documented the whole thing on twitter that i've been out

and on instagram so i had a gig on the Saturday and on the Sunday night I had a gig in Redcar a preview gig and I had to still go to the gig I remember this, is this in the car journey I had to still go to the gig and I drove to that gig with a fucking sick bucket on me knee because I felt so sick

like the most sick I've ever felt and I did the whole gig from a chair and I ran off stage and I was sick at the end You sat on a chair did the whole gig from a chair and I ran off stage and I was sick at the end. And it was the worst. You sat on a chair for the full gig? Well, it wasn't, this was how I was really lucky because it was the Red Car, it was some kind of festival in Red Car

because it's Seaside Town, the same as South Shields. They had on the stage an oversized deck chair with Red Car Comedy Festival on. Wow. I sat on that. I did the full gig from that. That's shocking. That is disgraceful.

And the organisers got us a pizza afterwards. They got us a margarita pizza from Domino's and I came off and I had three slices of it and I ran to the toilet and hide it up and I jumped in the car and drove back. And I shouldn't have driven. It was terrible and I was a fucking mess. God.

We haven't been like that for a while, have we? Nah, I haven't been like that for a long, long time. Me neither. It's not worth it with a kid. No, no, no, no. It's not worth it. You were so lucky that he was ill that day. I know. So lucky. Because when you've got a hangover,

it's like your kid knows. A toddler can smell a hangover and they just turn their dickhead on when they're up to 20. Oh, it's shocking. Oh, God. Not good. Oh. Thank you so much once again for listening. You've been listening to me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, Shag Marianoid.

If you want to get in touch, it's shagmarianoid at gmail.com. I normally say that bit, so I don't really have anything to say now. Apart from... Why do you think I've took that bit? Because I've got nothing to say. Apart from me tour, guys, is the first leg of the tour is almost completely sold out. Thank you so much to everyone who's bought tickets.

chrisframseycomedy.com slash gigs. The second leg is selling... BASTARS OUT! And I normally say it's selling fast. I'm normally lying, but I'm not lying this time. So be quick. We've added extra dates in Crewe, in Shrewsbury. Oh, no, it doesn't matter.

Shrewsbury's sold out now. Newcastle Arena is on sale. Very close to selling out Newcastle Arena. We might have to extend it. So thank you very much indeed see you on the 2022 and next year bye the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center

in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the