Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 46. Wide Winifred

Episode Date: January 10, 2020

It's 2020 and Chris and Rosie return with yet another brilliant episode of Sh**ged Married Annoyed! There's some great beef, an unlikely story involving a glow stick, a pretty rank pooh story (natch) and a general post Christmas catch up. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband

Chris Ramsey we are back we're back hey happy new year happy new year happy new year everyone

should we sing all night no no I've had enough okay I've had enough of it it's when do you stop saying happy new year

to people I know I said it to someone yesterday yeah yeah it's weird isn't i've had enough it's when do you stop saying happy new year to people i know i said it to someone yesterday yeah yeah it's weird isn't it i think if it's someone you haven't seen but who you see regularly so say for instance uh work friends and you go say you went on holiday on new year's eve and then you don't get back until maybe 14 days afterwards you're lucky lucky sod you yeah and you get into the office and you probably say happy new year everyone then right but don't like you know you can't meet someone for the first time in february and be like happy new year by the way well i might do though you'd have to back date them be like how old are you 35 right happy new year one happy new year two happy new year three

he has all your birthdays as well while i'm at it happy first birthday happy second birthday happy and that's how you get arrested right so thanks for listening to that welcome back hope you've all had a lovely christmas and new year but we don't talk about that anymore because they're done they are done for another year fuck them sick of them had a horrible time wow let's crack on you did have a horrible time we'll talk about that later you had a little you had a little stinker, didn't you? I did. Worst Christmas ever. Worst Christmas ever. I'll tell you why. Stay tuned for that. Stay tuned indeed, guys. This is episode 46. Thank you so much for listening. Welcome back, as we've said.

And before we start, hey, it's a new year. It's a new sponsor. Yes! Welcome. This week's lucrative first sponsor of 2020 is... Telling people you're doing Joy January. Fucking hell. Hey, are you doing... Why do we not have an actual, legit, real life, money in the bank, you know, caravan on the drive sponsor? I am sick.

This sponsor's worth more than money. This gives you the joy of laughter and happiness what is it again you didn't even listen to me when i said it this week's sponsor is telling people you're doing right january when they haven't even asked oh who gives a shit hey hey have enough to drink over christmas did you that's lovely hey gonna try and be a bit more healthy this january that's also lovely stop fucking telling everyone every chance you get guess what my wife was ill all over christmas i didn't go out much and i've got a four-year-old i'm gonna drip stop talking about you're not drinking because you're putting us off all me

fucking drinking shut up do what makes me laugh what i'm doing dry january this year for charity please sponsor me nobody's gonna sponsor you you're gonna take that out your own bank account but that's lovely that you're gonna donate 100 pound to charity just do it anyway and have a drink and shut up oh god yeah that is weird i'm gonna move ember was a strange one are they still doing move i think that's still going wrong great causes i'm not slagging off the causes here we're not slagging off the charities but the concept of i'm growing a tash do you want to sponsor us I want to do a walk or a run

go up a hill no no I'm going to do less of a thing I normally do so I normally shave my whole face I'm going to leave a bit of it on

and I want some money yeah look like a silly twat that's what they're getting the money for I do sponsor them though to find they look stupid

when anyone do a movember with a big daft handlebar porn star moustache I do give them a couple of quid yeah I love it do you know what as well

we're slagging off dry January I very nearly did it this year but not for any I wasn't going to tell anyone I wasn't going to put it I was just going to I was basically just going to not drink because I drink a lot

same not that I've got a problem I really don't think I've got a problem but I do drink a lot we don't binge though we don't go out and have like what we used to have where you have a big Friday

and a big Saturday we have a couple of glasses of wine in the house but I did we don't binge though we don't go out and have like what we used to have where you have a big Friday and a big Saturday we have a couple of glasses of wine in the house I did but I did dry January the first oh you did yeah

I did I did dry January the first and then you got back on it the second I got steaming because that's that's what's all about I agree

hey disclaimer though one man's day is another man's month if you are struggling with alcohol that's fine. Don't do just dry January. Try and give it up.

Dry forever. Forever. Yeah. I'm not having to go to people who are trying to get rid of drinking. I'm just having to go to people who are doing it. And the same as this morning, I went to the gym for the first time in about 10 years. Oh, no. Listen, we were going to chat about that later.

Yeah, but like that. Like the people who go, I'm dry January now. And you go, I didn't ask. I know. Oh, no, listen, we were going to chat about that later. Yeah, but like that, like the people go, I'm dry January now. And you go, I didn't ask. I know. I just didn't ask, man.

I just didn't ask. I know. But you know for a fact they won't be doing fully blown dry January. No? No, it'll be like the vegetarians who have a burger when they're pissed. You're telling me

nobody's monitoring this? I don't like that, me. With a sponsored walk or a run, there's evidence. I can see that you've with a sponsored walk or a run there's evidence I can see that you've done that dry January you could be having

sneaky glasses of wine you could be brushing your teeth with vodka we don't know exactly I'm sorry but I don't trust you you should see you doing dry January

and then people should break into your house and steal all your alcohol like when they come and get E.T. in E.T. you know and they're all running in the big white coats

why was that the first thing that you thought of don't know don't know I could have said police raid could have said anything but I went with when they come and get E.T. in E.T. You know, and they're all running in the big white coats. Why was that the first thing that you thought of? Don't know. Don't know. I could have said, police raid, could have said anything, but I went with

when they come and get E.T. in E.T. So weird. But yeah. Let's crack on. Well, welcome back. Here's the jingle.

We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Hello, welcome back.

Sit your fat lordy arse down. Your fat lordy Christmas arse. We've all got them. Yep, a friend of mine phoned me yesterday and said uh he was uh he said he had a big santa belly he said i've got a big santa belly i'm gonna go to the gym because i've got myself a big christmas santa belly i said i know the feeling because i was doing the dancing and all the way it fell off us i know and i put it all back on and i feel like shit but isn't it lovely though at the same time like that's one thing i love about christmas it's just like let's just go mental

and eat whatever you want. And then it's fine. Well, you know, it's the only time of year where you can have a beer at 11 in the morning and people go, oh, okay, cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you want a Bucks fizz with your cereal? I do.

Every other day of the year, that is hugely frowned upon. And so it should be. But Christmas Day, happy days. What are you talking about? In April last year, I had had books fizz on me cereal was that when you were doing books fizz april that yes oh god yeah that's when i was doing that i remember that for charity yeah yeah nobody cared um so welcome back we've had two weeks off so obviously it's very much put a penny in where we'll not shut up yeah exactly exactly um it was it wasn't a great two weeks was it oh no it's been horrible let's tell everyone

straight away how shit of a christmas you had uh i basically had the flu and i know i had the flu because my mom said i had the flu right and well sandra used to be a nurse the oracle the oracle that is sandra she used to be a nurse for like 15 the oracle that is Sandra she used to be a nurse for like 15 years we never were allowed to stay off school poorly like we always went to school and got sent home yeah

it was never just a you're not well today stay home yeah yeah she was one of them right okay always I mean every kid I think

gets to the stage where they can't fool their parents anymore but they can still fool a teacher oh I was from four year old she was like no you're fine

go to school and you'd get sent home put your arm back on and go just put your arm in your jacket and go in Oh, it was from four-year-old. She was like, no, you're fine. Go to school and you'd get sent home. Put your arm back on and go, just put your arm in your jacket and go in. But my mum said to me over Christmas, she was like, you've had flu. Although actually, I forgot to tell you this.

She said, yes, Rosie, you've had the flu. And I was like, thank you. I know I've been really poorly. Thank you. Well, just the other day though, she was like, yeah, you had a really, really bad cold. And you're like, you said flu. Sandra, you said flu.

And now she's changed it to cold. You should have got it in writing. So I'm gutted. To be fair, even if you had got it in writing on something, you would have probably blown your nose with it after that. Because you just immediately, I mean, I've never seen so many tissues used in my life. Unbelievable. Full of phlegm.

Lovely little thing you did. Great thing you did. You finished the tissues, and then you were putting the tissues back into the tissue box. A separate tissue box. Well, yeah. Well, I did at one point think that that was the tissues, because there was that many in there,

and just pulled out like a crusted slash wet tissue. It was horrible. Oh, that's sad. It was horrible. Sorry about that. Absolutely horrible. If you can hear any gargling in the background, by the way, the dishwasher's just finishing.

There'll be some beeping soon. Look forward to that. Great. Can't wait. But yeah, so just been really poorly. Didn't have a drink. Didn't really eat anything. by the way the dishwasher's just finishing there'll be some beeping soon look forward to that great can't wait but yeah so just been really poorly didn't have a drink didn't really eat anything

didn't really just didn't have a nice time at all Christmas day Robin was opening his presents bless him and I was just looking at him

smiling sticking my thumb up like it was so sad I had a little cry you know did you I did in the afternoon

I had a little cry so I was just like it was just really awful but anyway feel a lot better now had a little cry I did in the afternoon I had a little cry because I was just like it was just really awful but anyway I feel a lot better now that's a little cry I did it was awful

hey I was glad so your mum stayed over so Sandra stayed over in our house on Christmas Eve I'm so glad she did I know thank God I wouldn't have known

what to do I haven't you know what it is you wouldn't have had a dinner mate well I haven't realised until we've started doing Christmas dinner here that you get up and whoever's doing the dinner,

literally, like before they've even opened their presents, they're turning the oven on and sticking a turkey in. Oh, your turkey takes so long to cook. What the hell's going on? Yeah, it's ridiculous. I didn't even know this. I was like, what the hell is this? Of course you didn't.

Of course you didn't, Chris, didn't you not? No, no idea. Arsehole. No idea. Hey, look, hey, I do other stuff, right? I am in charge fully of tidying up all the wrapping paper That's my job Do you know what

I get a bin liner out You're very good at that Thank you I get a bin liner out Before I look at my first present I'm serious I do Bin liner out

Cardboard Get the Whatever toys he's got Biggest toy box Keep that there All the other toy boxes Rip them up Put them into that box

I mean shit He's still trying to look at instructions And I'm recycling them You are King of recycling Rock hard for recycling i fucking love it honestly i would leave you for recycling if i could there's a we live near a tip there's loads of stuff i'm a member you actually are aren't you oh god print passes off for people in that if you want to print if you got a hey if you got a van and you want a bed you want a permit

print it out for the tip come see me i'll sort you out and get three at a time i genuinely remember do you pay i would i would if i could somehow pay for some kind of queue jumper at the tip oh hey um this is how much you're gonna say it was chocker it's always chocker oh it's chocker hey in between christmas and new year i went to the pub and my dad's mates were there and I'm not joking, one of them had went to the tip and he was passing his phone round and it was just a photo of the queue of cars at the tip and he was showing everyone

and it was the most blokey thing in the world. Well, I'll just sit there and go, oh, hey, look at that queue, that tip, oh, you must have been there for ages. If I could pay for some kind of tip queue jumper, I would be over the moon. They might do that, you know.

I'd pay thousands of pounds for that. Right, well, that's ridiculous. I wouldn't allow that. Well, it's got nothing to do with you. That's how much I love the tip. They might do that, you know. I'd pay thousands of pounds for that. Right, well, that's ridiculous. I would. I wouldn't allow that. Well, it's got nothing to do. That's how much I love the tip. Thousands of our pounds going on a queue jumper for the tip.

Are you taking the piss? Honestly, I mean, a year, if it was a year. No, not ever. No, I would. Go on a quiet day. You lazy bastard. There is never a quiet day at the tip, Rosie.

Not this time of year. Oh, Chris, can't we stop? People have literally had to, we've been off for two weeks and we're talking about the tip. Let's pack it in. Try it. I at the tip Rosie not this time of year oh Chris can't we stop people have literally had to we've been off for two weeks and we talk about the tip let's pack it in try it I want the tip

anyway so there's a little shop at the tip as well there's a little charity shop for stuff there for stuff that's not good enough not rubbish enough sorry to go into the tip

if it's too good you put in a little charity shop you can buy a little there's loads of little I know I'm not being funny I've been at the tip before right should we explain

what the tip is it's like a recycling centre if you don't know what the tip is I mean what you've been at the tip before, right? Should we explain what the tip is? It's like a recycling centre. If you don't know what the tip is, I mean, what have you been doing? We've got listeners all over the world, Chris. All right. They might not know what the tip is. It's not a dump.

It's not like a local dump or anything. We're not fly tipping. It's like, it's called, it's actually called South Tyneside Recycling Village. And you go and you put, there's a hat. Yeah. Hey, ask us anything about it.

I love it, man. I'm always there. There's different, there's big different containers. There us anything about it i love it man i'm always there um there's different there's big different containers there's household waste there's garden waste there's but there's low grade wood there's high grade wood there's metal there's scrap metal there's all kinds plastic cardboard love it yeah bloody love it garden waste hey right great um but yes i But yes, I remember one time I was at the village Yeah And I was thrown over an old chair or something You were thrown over an old chair? This was years ago before I met you Someone threw you over a chair? No, I threw over an old chair

Oh, you were throwing away Right, sorry It sounded like a wrestling match What? Well, like, was it a cue for the cause? I took someone's base. I got out, we had a fight. She threw us over an old chair.

Listen, we have had very different village experiences. Why is it always absolutely heaving when you go? Always is. It's always really, really full when I go. Well, I've been. It's not been that bad. Anyway, I remember looking over and thinking, oh, and there was a fireplace,

and it looked brand spanking new. And I thought, I would have had that. You'd climb it like stick of the dump. Well, I couldn't know. It's very deep. But I did think that should be in the shop. In the little tip shop. Someone probably took it out, to be fair.

I should have given them a shout, shouldn't I? I like it when, A, I like it when I have to ask the men. I'm like, mate, where does this, where should I put this one? I go, I'll put it in there. Put it in there, number 14, mate. I go, no problem, mate. I know a great word. But then also sometimes if I know, I don't know why, because I like having a mate i know great wood but then also sometimes if i know i don't know why because i like having a pattern with them but then also if

i'm putting all my stuff in and i see someone with clearly like a metal bed frame so you go you know that's going to scrap metal but they'll go up the guys and they're like where's this going i'm like how embarrassing you had to ask oh god you're obviously not a regular oh god my word you need to get a life to be totally honest with you so you got your flu yeah you got your flu over christmas i got conjunctivitis and we were the prettiest of pairs when we were i wasn't i didn't go on instagram until about the fourth of january because i just couldn't do selfies or videos or anything me i was like rosie was like a dirty old vagina oh yes i've seen a few right now you're right it did look a little bit like a dirty old vagina

i woke up the morning i woke up the one of the worst thing like pussy oh no no come on that's disgusting i meant pussy like oozy but then pussy like i got that was quite good for me actually words in the world by the way um, it was, I woke up and I just couldn't open me right eye. And I was like, what's going on? And weirdly I was like, oh, there's loads of crusted sleep on this. This is going to be lovely to pick off. I'm really excited. Do you ever do that?

Do you ever touch your nose? I've told you this before, haven't I? When you touch your nose on the way home and you feel a little sharpness. Oh yeah, that's quite, that's quite therapeutic. But it was like that. I was like, oh, what's going on? So I went to the toilet and I opened it and it was like, you know when a monster opens its mouth in a film

and they've got like strands of saliva? This is nice. But you know the worst thing about having conjunctivitis is, or thinking you've got conjunctivitis, you have to Google the word conjunctivitis and the images are the first things that come up. Yeah.

And it's just other people's monkey red eyes. But oh God, it's the worst very grim and now we've got a difference of opinion on this because you think that i got your flu in me i i think you got flu of the eye which i don't think is a thing i've just said i think that i actually got conjunctive ideas because our son just his new game is to just walk around with all of his clothes off and put his ass on everything well yeah Well, yeah, yeah. It's so, yeah, he's started doing this all the time. He talks about poo and wee constantly and he'll just leave the room

and we look at each other going, he's gone to strip off and he'll go out the room, strip off, leave his clothes in a room and then he'll just run in going, Rudy Doody! Rudy Doody! Rudy Doody! Calls it Rudy Doody. What did he call himself today? He called himself the King of Rudy Doody. The King of Rudy Doody. Well, I'm not going to argue the king of Rudy Doody the king of Rudy Doody

well I'm not going to argue with that because he has done it quite a lot and he seems to have invented it but yeah

he'll go I'm going out don't I'm going to the room daddy don't you follow me I go oh for fuck's sake

come on literally I might as well knock the heating up because I'm like I know what's happening and he just runs in and out on and I've just been thinking

I thought maybe he'd put his bare ass on me pillow or on a cushion or something on the sofa or maybe I just got it off the remote

or something and then touched me eye but we would have had that well I've got another theory I've just worked it out this second because one of your favourite things to do

and I'm sorry to get disgusted in here dear listener but one of his favourite things to do when he's rude to duty and he literally bends over

pulls his arse apart and farts at you I might have got a fleck of shit directly into the eye. Now that I think of it, now that I think of it, I may have been sitting on a low sofa,

the low sofa in the back room, I might have been sitting on that, and he may have opened his eye, and I might have got shit shrapnel directly into the iris. Do you think? I think so. Do you know what though, right?

Listen, he's not listening to this anytime soon, right? And obviously we can say what we want to an extent, but I would never tell him to his face. Yeah. But it's fucking hilarious. It's really funny. We have to stifle our laughs. Not laughing when he's running around naked,

putting his dick in bottles and stuff. No, it's the opening these arse cheeks and farting. Like holding a fart in and then planning it, getting up, bending over in front of you, opening his dick in bottles and stuff. No, it's the opening these arse cheeks and farting. Like, holding a fart in, and then planning it, getting up, bending over in front of you, opening these cheeks and farting. Like, it's brilliant. But we're kind of let on that it's great. It's comedy gold.

It's the hardest thing to not laugh at in the world. We have to tell them off. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, me eye! I'm dropping it on the ground like an Italian footballer. Ah!

Oh, inside, I'm literally cheering him on, like, this is great we're watching we've got watching like um all the old david atmbrow stuff now aren't we it's amazing we're all going through them and some of the stuff he does that's really cheeky but you just can't help but laugh i know the other day when he just went with us well i think there was two uh i think it was jaguars fighting yeah and you're like obviously we're watching them fight and he tries to pretend like you can join in so you're obviously doing the mum thing of going

ee look at you two fight ee stop it and you're talking on the telly and he just turned around and went mum you're not on the telly stop it and I was like

I couldn't I had to tell him off but I couldn't not laugh because I was fucking blinded he comes out with some great stuff what did he say the other day because obviously with us being poorly

I've been drinking loads of lemsip you've been poorly I've nearly died this Christmas I don't want to be I don't want to exaggerate but nearly died when I have to go to bed poorly

that's that's nearly died and I had like six days off the drink you know over Christmas that is like wasn't even January

exactly that's dry January time to send miss Bridget miss me Nana Bridget's Boxing Day party haven't missed it in 33 years wow

so that's pretty intense that's pretty intense. Wow. That's how poorly I was. Goodness me. Anyway, Robin came back one day from being out

and I was in bed and I was having a Lemp Sip and I went, he went, what's that? And I said, Lemp Sip. And he went,

oh, I don't know how you can drink Lemp Sips, Mammy. They're so personal. You know, when you're like, what does that mean? Have you just learned that word

and dropped it in no conversation? You nutter. So it made us laugh, though. He's getting, he's funny. Funny little sausage. Plain Rudy dude. You just keep finding

piles of his clothes everywhere. It's like me. When you talk about me in your stand-up. Yeah, no, he's doing exactly the same thing as you. It's horrible. Yeah, he's an offspring of you.

Your clothes are in either downstairs bathroom or upstairs bathroom, just a big pile of them for days on end. Days. Even when I passively, aggressively point at them when you're having a wee with the door open,

and I'll walk in and I'll just point at the things and you just ignore it. And then his are, I mean, wherever he runs to take them off. His favourite place to take them off is on the landing. On the landing in the middle of the stairs, yes. Takes them on the landing in the middle of the stairs, and they just end up there and you go, right, okay. But that's quite good, actually. That's good for me because it's not far from the washing basket

and not far from his room, so I'm like, right'm like right you can wear them pants it's equally distant between both washing baskets he's done quite well you know i'll respect now with my conjunctivitis right i wasn't sure are we still talking about conjunctivitis yeah yeah okay i just wanted to tell you this right so i went out uh to the pub one night with with the lads uh and the next day I had conjunctivitis like the next day when I woke up that's when I had it so I was like right who's disgusting manky hand have I shook here who has been going to the toilet and

doing whatever and then they did that thing years ago where they tested the nuts on the end of a bar and there was like piss and arse holes on them like everything that comes from below the waist was in there. It was like from toenails to spunk, it was there. Like all of it.

Oh my God. Yeah, minging. I mean, who's putting their hand in a big bowl of nuts at the side of the bar anyway? I mean, I don't know. I think sometimes when people go, oh, I'm ill, it must have been them nuts, them communal nuts that were outside the toilet.

Oh, never in the world, really. Strange. I thought they'd have been there food hygiene rate and five um basically uh i forgot to tell you this story right and i i want to tell you because someone in the pub i heard first of all i heard someone in the pub whose hand i shook had been at the toilet and i was like right i bet it was them but this person this is a level of this person right it's one of the most disgusting stories i've ever heard, right? Right, oh. They went out, right?

And I was reminded of it the other day. Do I know this person? No. They went out on a Saturday, and their birthday, their 30th birthday, was on a Sunday. Okay. Okay.

So they stayed up, they were partying all night to the midnight, and when it came midnight, it was like, right, it's your birthday, and they were in some house. So they got a big mixing bowl, right? And they got loads of spirits, and they made this lad, because it was his right it's your birthday and they were in some house so they got a big mixing bowl right and they got loads of spirits and they made this lad

because it was his 30th birthday fishbowl yeah like not a fishbowl like a dirty pint but a big bowl of it so there was some like coke and sort of lemonade

or whatever or juice in there as well but it was just all of these different spirits and all these things his two mates who were with him went right as it's your 30th

we've got to do this as well and did two massive big no yeah we did two massive big spits no yeah yeah so two big massive spits were like gremmy green things floating around on the top of it right now this lad did this i don't know if he did it for a lot of points i don't know if he did it i doubt he did it because he thought it was delicious but what he did was he took a drink of the bowl with the spits floating in it just took a drink of it with all of the spirits and went oh goodness me went oh that's horrible that's like well you know what he must have swore his head off and went oh that's disgusting it's too strong i can't be drinking all of that i'll have them two spits off the top though and he took them both up and he drank

just the spit no I swear to god his exact words were his exact words were I'll have them two grammars off the top now I've been thinking I've told numerous people this story right when we're backstage

on one of the nights at Strictly I told everyone the story and everyone was mortified. And someone, I can't remember who it was, came up with the theory that he might be a genius. And to get out of having to drink whatever it was, a mixing bowl full of... Yeah, he's just drunk. He thought on and thought,

well, they're never going to let us leave all of this. So if I just take those two minging bits of spit off the top, I won't be allowed to... And obviously the two lads, they lost their minds so excited that he'd done this thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. So he didn't have to. Isn't it the worst?

Oh, no, he's a murderer. That man, he's going to be on the news. I honestly, that's the vilest thing I've ever heard. While you were telling that story, I would rather drink somebody's wee than their spit. Really? I swear to God.

Spit is disgusting. Have you ever stood in spit on the street? I could cry, I swear. I just, that has tipped me over the edge. I can talk about a lot of stuff, but that is, I'm going to need a minute. We're going to have to pause. I can't, that's vile.

That's the vilest story I've ever heard. That's worse than the stories we get here. How have you left that for so long? Rosie, I went through my podcast notes today and it was in a note off a while ago and I think I must have thought I told you. Well, happy new year. Is he from round here?

Of course he is. Of course he is. Oh, nah. Oh, God. Welcome back, guys. Sorry. So we have got a new office, everyone, just to let yous know. Exciting development.

Conjoined. Conjoined? What's the word? Joined. Joined. We've joined. Just joined. Just joined just joined with with were you i think you were trying to say combined officers yes you were trying to say we've

combined officers but you said the wrong word like the conjoint twins yes no we yeah no not one of them no no two of them no we're both in the same office yes yes so i've got a little desk in one we might as well delete all of this because this was just... Tell them about we're office men. Yeah. You're at one side. I'm at the other side. It's been two days.

So far, it's quite successful. Although we have threatened to complain to HR. Yeah, we do. If you're listening and you are HR, we are looking to hire some HR people just to sit in the corner of the office and make sure everything's going swimmingly. Yeah. But do what i was thinking now that we have an office yeah we can have an office paul no hey yeah i didn't think of that yeah right okay then office paul looking

forward to that oh i can have a first one now someone sent me a thing on it on twitter today i was going to put it in the questions but we we'll have it now. Yeah. Someone said, you know your toilet roll? When your toilet roll's on the toilet roll holder, do you put it front ways or back ways? So does it have a beard or a mullet? Mullet. You have it the other way, so you have the paper going down the thing. Yeah, mullet.

See, I have it off the front. But we live in the same house and I've never noticed it. Yeah, but if I'm ever going to put one on, which is always me, and you never put them on on you just put them on top and leave the empty roll on there yeah I put them on so it's hanging down the front

and you put it on so it's hanging down the back do you know what to be totally honest with you what I wipe me bum with I don't really care which way it comes from it's not something

so listen office pole void my side is void because I don't care enough to worry about it so my side wins this time 100% on the front of the office pole great Void. My side is void because I don't care enough to worry about it. So my side wins.

This time. 100% on the front of the office poll. Great. Good. That was large at the point, wasn't it? It's time for What's Your Beat? Happy New Year, Chris! I've missed you, you fucking arsehole.

Barry, it even sounds threatening when you're saying happy new year what do you mean threatening just threatening it's my voice prick

anyway listen I can't talk for long I'm doing dry January why is he always busy why can he never stick around because I'm busy man

I've got a kickstarter going for my dry January cause. Got to collect me winnings. Right. Winnings? I'm out on the lash the night. But it's...

No, I'm going out, listen, with Philip. Do you know Philip? Philly? Philly phlegm. Eat out of the phlegm. Jesus. We're going out. love's a fishbowl never finishes it though

alright bye Barry right he's died fuck off would you eh stop bothering us man it's a delightful draw

Jesus he sounds well doesn't he he's had a nice Christmas I think by the sounds of it I don't think he was ill I think he's had a really he's had a lovely time I think by the sounds of it I don't think he was ill I think he's had a really He's had a lovely time Ladies first

Oh right okay So I've got loads Really Good goodness me Is that Chris we've had like Two weeks together

Two weeks together I mean I've got five Loads Absolutely loads I've got five to pick from You go first And then I'll decide If mine's going to bounce off yours

Or I'm going to give you a new one Well I've got I've got like two different categories. I'm only going to mention one. But there's two different categories which are podcast friendly. Yeah. And the other one is like private arguments.

Okay. But I don't know whether you want to air them on the podcast. Oh, shit. So I might leave that for another week. Okay. Okay. But for right now, something which is stuck in my mind. Do you remember before Christmas?

Bringing up the past. No. You farted, right? In the kitchen. Oh. I walked away because it was disgusting. Yeah. You followed me, right?

Into the darkness of the room that we were in. Yeah. And you said to me these words you said i can't remember this in this light you look beautiful it was pitch black do you remember is there it was literally there At the sofa in the darkness. So yeah. You held my face in your hands. Yeah.

And you said, Ian, this light, you look beautiful. It was dark. It was dark. Do you remember? I do remember now. It wasn't dark. It was dark, Chris.

It was a little glow coming off the telly. We turned all the lights off. We were going up to bed. There was a little glow coming off the telly. It was dark. You look turned all the lights off we were going up to bed there was a little glow you look lovely in the dark not it's not a compliment that you want to hear to be honest you look lovely in the dark holy shit oh yeah i remember yeah i said you look lovely is it yeah I don't know what it was

it was just one of them things I don't know just in the little shadows I could just see the little I think it was it just must pain you to tell us I look nice so you had to choose

you thought I need to tell us she looks nice but I can't be doing it when our face is actually like real yeah there's got to be a caveat at the end I don't want you getting

too confident there's got to be a caveat so every time I tell you you look beautiful just imagine there's a silent considering on the end it's just really made us just confidence boost that was yeah i could see you fuck you i could see your face perfectly there was a lovely glow it was almost like a candle light and you look beautiful it was dark as fuck so anyway that's the podcast for anyone stay tuned next week for the um the nearly divorced the nearly divorced beefs well i've got one for you okay is it podcast

my beef yeah this is podcast friendly do you know what is it just occurred it was the other day it just occurred it was a day and deep down it's made us really sad and I think if you really loved us you would fix this and because it's new year I'd like you to make it your resolution don't make resolutions

well I'd like you to make one what a bullshit well I'd like you to make one I'd like you to make your resolution what you have never learnt to play pool

with me. We've got a pool table that I got years ago. I love pool. I don't like many games, but I like pool. There's a pool table in the other room. You've never even bothered your arse to play pool with me. Well, I'm sorry. Ever.

You have never learned how to curl my hair. I love curling my hair. Right. I think my hair I love curling my hair right I think I look really nice curling my hair you you've never learned to do it you have never learned how to blow dry

my little front bit of my fringe so it goes up straight you only can pick one mate pool I don't like pool why haven't you tried it I find it really boring

I used to play it at college at Martech all the time. That's worse! Why are you saying that? That's much worse! You've played it with other people in the past! Chris, I played it around the boys. I'm a boy!

I'm married to you. I don't have to spend time with you. Do you know what it is? I'll be honest with you. I was in a pub the other night with the lads and there was a man. I went to the toilet and the man, a bloke, just stopped and talked to us. He was like, I've come through for the night with my wife, blah, right, with the lads and there was a man, I went to the toilet and the man, the bloke, just

stopped and talked to us. He was like, oh, I've come through for the night with my wife, blah, blah, blah. We're just having a little chat in the toilet. And I saw him later on and he was just at the pool table. Him and his wife were just walking around and they were just having a little drink, listening to music and we're playing pool. And I thought, what a lovely life he's got. You've got two choices, right?

I'm telling you right now. PlayStation or pool. Well, I've got to choices right I'm telling you right now alright okay PlayStation or pool well I've got to learn one why excuse me because I want to spend more time with you

doing stuff I like not watching fucking home shows and shadow and that don't you dare don't you dare slag off escape to the shadow

don't you dare and I know you're talking about George Clark as well he's a good friend of mine I like George I flip and love his programmes. I'll watch George any day because he's amazing.

Amazing spaces. Just like his spaces. I love George. Friend of the podcast. How dare you? How dare you? I do not want to learn how to play pool. You just said you used to play it in the MarTech

all the time with the lads. I'll play strip pool. That'll be fun. Absolutely. With the lights off, yeah? Yes, please. You look beautiful naked with the lights off. I hate you.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo. change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday...

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. ...witness the birth... Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. ...of evil. It's all... No, no, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeder's Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for questions from the public.

From the public. Public. Public. That was annoying, wasn't it? I went all lightheaded there. Apologies, listener. Guys, as always, the inbox is full.

There's been some awesome stuff. I assume, because me and Rosie now obviously share an office, so I've been sitting doing different stuff. And Rosie's been reading the questions. Rosie, I've just heard you chuckling away all morning. So I'm really looking forward to hearing what we've got going on here. As always, if you want to get in touch, please, it's shadmoudanoid at gmail.com.

Just send us everything. Just send us everything and anything, and Rosie will fill us through please don't just email saying you like the podcast because that's I read like the full thing and then I'm like

there's no question look if you like the podcast instead of emailing saying that you really like the podcast which we really really do appreciate

rate on Apple and on all the different things leave a lovely little message you can write reviews on there yeah and we appreciate that very, very much.

We've got more, I think we've said it before, we've got more reviews than nearly everyone on there. We've got like 17,000 five-star reviews. Do you know what? Take back what I just said there, Chris, because I sound like another dick. It's lovely. No, no, no.

I like it when you say stuff like that because other people are getting to hear what I hear when the mics are turned off. Oh, wow. When you're being a dick. Right? So we'll keep that in. Yeah. Great. So yeah, shagmarrydonordyjimmy. Right? So we'll keep that in. Yeah.

Great. So yeah, shagmarriedinauditgmail.com if you want to get in touch. Rosie, what you got for this week? Right, well, this is the most beautiful argument

that I've ever heard slash read about. Okay, cool. You ready? Yeah. Hello, Rosie and Chris. My partner and I have recently found your podcast

and we love listening. My favourite segment is What's Your Beef? As I find the pettiness so relatable. Thank you. I would love to share a story Three years already arguing. It's over. Give up. But carry on. It was around 11pm and I came out from the en suite

into the bedroom after getting ready for bed. I got myself into bed and began to scroll through my phone as usual and my boyfriend goes, why haven't you turned the light off? The reason I hadn't turned it off is because we often watch a bit of telly or scroll through Facebook or read before bed and turn the light off when we are ready to go to sleep. I wasn't aware it was time

for the light to be turned off yet. Anyway, we then proceeded to argue about who should now get out of bed to turn the light off. So I'm guessing it's the big light, which actually upsets us a little bit. That upsets us a lot, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because who's sitting in bed

with the big light on? Get a bedside lamp, you couple of maniacs, but carry on. Anyway, we then proceeded to argue about who should get out of bed to turn the light off. My boyfriend was convinced that as I was the last one to get into bed, that it was my job to turn the light off. However, I was convinced that as the light switch was on his side of the room

and he was not yet under the covers, he should be the one to turn off the light as we are both quite stubborn this progressed until we both tucked ourselves into sleep and had still not turned the light off both of us got up during the night to go for a wee and still neither of us turned the light off in the middle of. Oh, I love it. In the middle of the night, he leant over to his bedside drawer and pulled out one of those eye masks

that you get on airplanes and put it on. Wow. Needless to say, I was fuming and so tempted to rip it off his little stupid face.

His little stupid face. We slept the whole night with the light on made up in the morning before he left for work listen yeah hey

that is just phenomenal I live for that shit that is phenomenal I know oh my god just what a beautiful story

wonderful absolutely wonderful I think if we're gonna try and help this situation yeah yeah it was very much just a story but I think to help that situation yeah it was very much just a story

but i think to help that situation what i like to do is have a bedside lamp on each side and then whoever is last then that's their side to turn off well sometimes when i if we both got our bedside lamps on and we're sitting there and i'll be like i'll be on my phone for a bit and then i'll go to you i go normally it's a kind of um right or something like that i like night night and you go you panic and i like put my phone i plug my phone and i turn my lamp off and you're like no because you don't want to be the last one to turn it off but that's you hate it don't you hasn't that been one of my beefs yeah but not that i always want to go to bed to sleep first but you there's something about you hate turning the lamp off and then getting yourself settled in the pure darkness you don't like that do you no i don't know what it is it just pisses

me off because you love to just it's a competition that you just have to be first to go to sleep to turn your phone off i feel like you do it deliberately i think you would find me in a little like half writing a message or something and go all right. She's not going to be going to bed for at least three minutes. Ah! Ah! Night-night! I think these two can fix the problem even better than getting bedside tables. Yeah. Install a clapper.

Oh, hey. Yes. How good would that be? Listen, night-night. Yep. Lights off. That would be nice. Really good.

I can't just say absolute double, triple, quadruple million points to him for rolling over and getting an eye on this guy. What a genuine arsehole. Fantastic. That's lovely, isn't it?

Fantastic dickhead move. Do you know what's hilarious about this, though? Neither of them will have slept that night. Yeah, no, no. Definitely not. Being so angry. Love it. Absolutely love it.

We had an argument the other night and I couldn't sleep because I was angry. You slept fine, but that's great. clear conscience and what wasn't in the wrong um so uh probably probably a guilt keeping you were so apologize before you see the next day you were definitely definitely in the wrong that's a drink talk bf yeah um so i uh can you remember that time when we were uh you know uh in the other bedroom before we moved before i had the whole shifty around upstairs and we had an argument and you were like i'm going downstairs to the spare room and you left it was like we're about to go sleep and you went downstairs to the spare room and i was like okay and i just like rolled over to go to sleep and

you came back up to him and stayed like you're supposed to follow me. Remember? Remember? Yes. Dick. Yes. But do you know what's funny about that? That was a long time ago. Yeah.

I wouldn't do that now. No, no, you definitely wouldn't. No, no. I wouldn't do that now. I'd go. No, no, me neither. Oh, great. Yeah, you're like, bye. Night.

Hey, gosh. We slept separately a lot over Christmas, didn't we? Well, that, because you were flewed up. Because I was poorly. You were flewed up. My pillow was poorly. You were flewed up. My pillowcases were contaminated. I went through about five pillowcases in as many days. I know.

Bloody terrible. Horrible. I want to go on holiday next year. What, for New Year? Christmas. For the whole lot. Really? Get us away.

Put us in a hot country for three weeks. I'm a perv. Oh, I'm not going to let you sell it. I miss Christmas. No, I don't want to. Are you terrified that I'll take up on it? Yeah, I will. What the hell?

Oh, where could you go? Take an age to fly there. You'd miss Christmas. You can't say... Well, why are you saying that you want to go? Because you'd have to take all his time. What's the matter with you? You know what I'm worried about mainly?

Getting his toys back. You could buy him loads of toys there, but then you'd have to bring them back. Get lost. You'll be on a lovely holiday. He's not getting any toys. Oh, hey, look. Santa got you this flight that went on back. Get lost. You'll be on a lovely holiday. You're not getting any toys. Hey, look, Santa got you this flight

that went on two weeks before Christmas. Jesus. You'll get a bloody book and a thin one that sort of fits in the case. Hey, you can have that lilo for Christmas but you're not taking it home. Didn't we do that thing this year? I don't know why.

I've got this thing in my head that because we've been brought up like extremely working class, not from massively well-off families and stuff. Like, okay, like, we in my head that, because we've been brought up like extremely working class, not from massively well-off families and stuff. Like, okay, like, we're parents working that, but it wasn't like shower you with gifts, Christmas and stuff like that.

We bought Robin loads of stuff for Christmas this year and we've put a lot of it in the loft because when I looked, I went, nah, it's too much. Didn't we? And I said, nah, I don't want him to have that much. To be fair to him, he didn't expect it.

And he did a lovely thing where when he ran in the room on the morning, I was videoing him, I've got the video. He ran in and he looked at the tree, he ran past the sofa that all his presents were on, didn't even look at them. He looked at the tree and there was two presents under the tree. And he's like, he's been, he's been. And I remember thinking, oh, bless you.

And he turned around and saw the sofa and his fucking head nearly fell off. I know. We could have got away with two presents. Yeah, literally. Bless him. He was so excited that there was two presents there that hadn't been there the night before. Crazy.

I know. And then I went, oh, no, they're from your Uncle Carl. I just put them there last night. And he went, all right. You know, he has me thinking you could go full podcast without mentioning Carl Hutchinson. Uncle Carl, man, leave him alone. Uncle Carl.

What did someone say to you today? Oh, somebody sent me a message on Instagram saying the way that you guys talk about Carl Hutchinson, I thought he was

going to be absolutely lifting. I've just looked at his Instagram profile and he's not that bad looking. No, he's nice and good, Nick.

He's a good looking lad. He's just rank. I forgot to shout out Carl's tour dates, by the way, when he did a question the other week. So he is on tour at the beginning of 2020

before he joins me for my tour. So yeah, if you want to look, Carl Hutchinson, you can go and see him. Or you can come and see him with me on my tour. Very good. Go to both. Yeah, but mine first. No.

Even though mine's after it. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Our old dog now sadly deceased was rather unwell in a quite substantial fluid retention

meaning that his tummy was so large at times his penis would be touching slash dragging on the floor. Sorry this came

a little bit from Norway I do apologise about that um so his penis got quite chafed sorry why is this update on me dead dogs cock.com why is this he wasn't dead at the time he just he just had a chafe right um his penis got quite chafed and so to help relieve the issue my mum purchased a little tub of vaseline to use to apply to the dog's willy every now and again um so it continues little tub of vaseline for the dog's dick What a bugger, man. I know. Oh, bless him. Now, I have eczema and get very dry lips. Oh, for f...

At the time, I was also unaware of this treatment my mum was giving the dog. I came in from college one day, complaining that I had dry chapped lips. Oh, God. Rummaging through the shit roll, searching for some lip balm, I came across the tub of Vaseline. Perfect, I thought. As I was chatting away to my mum, I started smearing the Vaseline all over my lips and around my mouth.

My mum turned and looked at me in horror and only told me after it was all over my face Oh my word. that she uses that Vaseline on the dog's dick. Jesus fucking Christ. Now, the story gets better. What?

You can imagine this provided much amusement to my family and complete and total horror for me. Thinking she was sharing a hilarious story, my sister went to work and relayed what happened to her colleagues, only to receive a sea of horrified faces when she finished the story. Not a single giggle. After a short pause, one of her colleagues said,

Sorry, but did you say your dad's dick? They actually thought that the Vaseline I had smeared all over my face was that of which my mum used on my dad's dick. Sorry, so they sat for the whole story thinking that the dad had so much fluid retention in his stomach that he's full fucking groin. How big did they think her dad's dick was? And why was he walking around with no clothes on?

They must have been so confused that's what you know that is that's the sister being so excited to tell this story that you fucked it up she said it wrong she was so excited she must have said it as well god do you know what i find most upsetting about that yeah i'd find it not as upsetting that just used the same vaseline on our lips i find it more upsetting that their dog was just allowed to go around rubbing his dick out of the carpet. I mean, literally.

Where's the dog? Follow the line of Vaseline along the carpet. Like a snail trail? A little doggy scram out of the place? Oh, I'm sorry. I'll tell you what, why did she even bother, if she was going to do that,

why did she even bother putting her hand in the Vaseline tub? Because to be fair, the dog is equipped with a lipstick. She could have just applied it straight from his day. Dog's lipstick make me feel so sick. Remember when you'd go around someone's house, man, and you'd stroke their dog too much and they would just get their lipstick out when you were a kid.

Oh, don't. I can't. I can't. Seriously. When you were a kid. Oh, don't. I can't. I can't. Seriously.

Oh, God. Like a new budding rose. Oh, my goodness. Just so bad. And as well, just the thoughts that went through my head when I was reading that. I was like, do you think she dipped the dog's willy in the Vaseline or took Vaseline out and smeared it on yeah she took and smeared it on

I mean that's lovely well that's not as bad to be honest yeah but I mean she'll put the you know she'll have put the finger back in there'll have been

remnants of dog dick in the Vaseline yeah I mean the real criminal here is a man for putting it in the communal drawer I know

I mean put it somewhere else put it with the dog's things don't put it in a I mean Christ alive babadoo babadoo babadoo hey guys oh just to let you know this is from Put it with the dog's things. Don't put it in a... I mean, Christ alive. Hey, guys.

Oh, just to let you know, this is from a medical professional. Oh, shit. Is that right? Medical professional? Yeah, yeah. Medical professional. Anyway. Hey, guys.

I'm a paramedic in London. Yeah. In a city. Wow, well done you. I am. One of the absolute perks of my job is seeing firsthand what ridiculous, absurd, stupid

and downright dirty things the general public get up to. Amazing. And then I can come to your podcast and hear more of it. Yay. Let me tell you one example that I think you might enjoy. Yes. Are you ready for this? Yeah.

This is beautiful. It was Christmas Day. We get a job. It comes through as bleeding from Yeah. This is beautiful. It was Christmas Day. We get a job. It comes through as bleeding from penis. Oh, for Jesus. Never ideal for Christmas. But you know. Beep, beep.

Bleeding from penis. He's been. Merry Christmas. Good God. Shit happens. So we turn up to the address and find a man sat, looking a bit sheepish, holding his cock with a relatively large amount of blood around him. Good God. So we start asking, what happened?

We knew it was probably something dodgy by the minimal eye contact and mumbled explanation. Okay. But he lifted his hands up and there we saw it. A luminous green glow stick wedged half in and half out of his penis. Nat, no way. With blood pouring out each side.

I'm going to die. Oh, Nat. Yeah. Oh, no. It was like an elf had been killed on the edge of his todger. Oh, that's...

We asked why he did it and his response was that he wanted to see it light up like a christmas tree and it says here like when you put a torch in your mouth and you can see through your cheeks that's i didn't think about that but yes well oh god it says for those curious it kind of had oh so oh yeah um now is probably the time to add that this man was 83 years old you know what i respect him did you expect that i was expecting young man here no i respect him i was expecting young pervert this is a fella who's thinking you know what you know what in me fella who's thinking, you know what? You know what? In my long time on this earth,

you know what I haven't done? Put a glow stick down my dick. Dick Christmas. Here I go. Goodness me. Dick in a box. Wow. I mean, I don't really respect him.

I'm joking, but yeah. This is not a young lad experimenting. This is a fully grown human who you feel would have grown out of the stick and inanimate object in any whole stage of life. When delving a bit more into what had sparked his orifice adventure... Where did he get the glow stick?

I don't know. He told me his neighbour had dared him to do it. Fuck off! What? Oh, no, man! At that point, a glimmer of worry crossed my mind Did he have people living next door Taking advantage of his old vulnerabilities

Making him spend Christmas Ramming glow sticks up his dick No I literally could have not Been more wrong After two minutes In walks the neighbour. A tiny, barely mobile, 85-year-old lady absolutely pissing herself laughing.

No way, man. Oh my God, this is amazing. She honestly found the whole thing hilarious and made herself wheezy laughing so hard. It was her. She had dared him to do it wow wow there's more no way right where did she get the glow stick i don't want to be ageist here from a shop but what you oh so are you discussing it but no so they were how did they get to the point of put a glow stick down you know? It must have been lying around the house. He might have been a rocker.

Her grandson's going to come back for that glow stick when he's gone out for a rave and he's going to be raging. Yeah, he's off to Ibiza in the summer and he's going to go, Nana, where's that glow stick? Down Albert's todger. Now, our speculation, so the paramedics, not to spread rumours about the pair, but we reckon they wanted a wee bit of Christmas rumpy-pumpy,

and due to his age and probably diminished ability to get himself in a northbound direction, he was aiming to use the glow stick as a splinting device. What the fuck? No! No! Like internal scaffolding. Probably, yeah. Oh, no. Unfortunately, due to the fact

that he takes blood thinners and hasn't lubed said glow stick, it had all ended in disaster. Oh, God. With his Meals on Wheels Christmas dinner

getting cold. Yeah, so that's how this, that's how she, Jess, thank you so much for spending that Christmas day.

Jess, I've just had to genuinely grab, every man listening to this now, I know much spent that christmas i've just had to genuinely grab i'm every man listening to this now i know you've had i've just had to grab my crotch to make sure everything's still okay there because that has absolutely made me feel rotten well she's put here and he was fine by the way the glow stick was removed a quick trip the hospital to ensure the bleeding stayed stopped and he was allowed home nightclub nightclub on the way back snap that glow stick get it going she has got a question all right um this is interesting actually she's got a question and she's also said in brackets i've got many more stories if you want them we could do chapter two woman stuck in the freezer just email her back immediately yeah i

have she yeah yeah she can be a regular feature there we go good god so that might be the next one woman struck the freezer oh man she's got a question

she's a three year old man I know but isn't it just they I love watching programmes like that though they wouldn't have put that on

probably on a programme on the telly no of course they wouldn't but we've got it here Jess is happy to tell us which I'm buzzing about wow so what's our question

have you ever hurt or nearly hurt yourselves in a way that would be embarrassing to explain to the likes of me and my colleagues well mine was I mean I talked about

mine in my Amazon Prime special I don't want to give it away unless anyone's seen it but I did a stand up special for Amazon Prime it's on there now what was it I nearly killed me

and I talked about it on here as well I nearly killed myself trying to shoo a seagull off the roof. Oh, the seagull. I've never stopped thinking about the fact that if I literally leant out of the window to see what it was, it was a seagull.

If I'd fallen out, I would have had to come and get it and it would have been, how do you do this? I was climbing on the roof to move a seagull because I'm brain dead. Bad times. Brain dead. What about you? Nothing massively embarrassing.

Mine are just all drunk related. Yeah. To be honest. Yeah. I haven't had anything hugely embarrassing. I do... Oh, gosh. I was going to say,

does this need to go on the podcast? But this is what our podcast is about. I do know a girl who had to go to the doctors because she lost her tampon inside of her and had sex and stuff and it was just rammed right up there. I'm sorry.

I don't know if we've mentioned her before, have we? Is she the one who auditioned for Geordie Shore? Yeah, and told them that story. And you know what's sad? She had sex with a tampon in and it got shoved so far up there she had to get it medically removed.

She forgot it was in. What kind of... She had to go and get it pulled out at the doctors. I'm sorry. But can you believe that she told that story and she didn't get it medically removed she forgot it was in what kind of she had to go and get it pulled out at the doctors I'm sorry but can you believe that she told that story and she didn't get it on Geordie's show yeah but even that

was too much for Geordie's show what sorry what kind of magical cave of a vagina do you have to have to lose a tampon fully in there

listen it's easy done you know I've never done it myself personally but it is easy done was it you no I swear I swear it wasn't me.

I mean, I'd tell you if it was me. It wasn't me. And she's a lovely girl. And she's not... I mean, I know she's not. She's not what you would think. She's like... She's really...

She's lush. But, yeah. Yeah, she's lush. I mean, a vagina's the size of a bloody... Time tunnel. I also do it. You know what? You know what, Sarah?

You know, Sarah? Your shout at her, it echoes back at you. Oh of it? You know what? You know what, Sarah? You know, Sarah? Your shout at her echoes back at you. Oh, yeah, I know her. You know her. Big gash gainer. Good God. Deep Deborah.

Gabe and Gloria. Oh, Wide Winifredred i shit you not that was the next one i had in my head on the bane's life on robin's life wide winifred was the next one i had in my head high five oh my god i swear to god right well right well who's yeah i think the one i think i should get married there's the next one's name little wide winifred yeah that's the next one's name. Little Wide Winifred. That's the name of the podcast, Wide Winifred. Oh, there you go. Sorted. Convalescent.

Oh, my God. Let's take that. We're so insane. We need to see other people. This is terrible. It's time. Yeah. You ready? Yes. It's time Yeah You ready?

Yes Let's talk about shit baby Let's talk about poo and wee Let's talk about all the good shit All the bad shit that has been Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit With a little bit of shit

Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag married and shit. 2020. You know what it is? You added something good there. I've been following Mariah Carey over Christmas because she did really well. Hold on, I thought you were in bed ill.

Were you climbing out the window and following Mariah Carey around? Oh yeah, I would love to to be fair. So I added a bit of Mariah carey there um let's just be honest here the shit stories that we receive are absolutely hands down fantastic yeah we need to do some kind of special we do we need to do a special because then that way if you if you're not a fan of the shit stories like if you're not a fan of the shit stories right now you can fast forward them yeah or and if you're not a fan of them hugely you don't have to listen to that extra episode but we need to look into doing that i've got so many so many because i think it's that thing right it's one it happens to all of us nobody ever

talks about it yeah and people can email in and anonymous and so it's just like we're getting i'm getting them left right and center because these people have been desperate to tell their stories to people but they're so ashamed that they can't hi Rosie and Chris

I'm gonna dishwasher sorry about that the dishwasher just opened by itself oh god but it opens it does open

when it's done then there's a little beep there we go thank you thank you dishwasher not you, dishwasher. Not you, Alexa. You can fuck off. Don't say her name.

Oh, sorry. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'll take you back to July 2006. Take her back now, y'all. One half this time. Come on. Brilliant. Oh, I hate us.

I've lived with my partner, brackets now, husband, for seven months in our new home. So this is 2006. Got you. They were living together for seven months in the new house. The weekend of my 26th birthday and temperature had been soaring. I spent the Sunday sat in my friend's garden, knocking back shit sweet cheap rosé wine.

Nice. No idea how much I managed, but it resulted in me phoning in work sick the next day fantastic it's a lot yeah this was also a very hot summer's day so most people probably rung in sick to sit in a beer garden yeah my bathroom was located in the middle of my terraced house and i didn't have a window not only was i sick numerous times having a very heavy period and getting through tampons for fun,

but at the same time, I wasn't the most regular when it came to bowel movements and could quite easily see a week or more go by before I went. Got you. That's, you want to, you should go back and go to the doctors. That's bad. Yeah. That's bad.

Do you know what happens if you go more than a week? Your stomach fills so much, your dick scrapes on the floor. Is that, oh. That's exactly what happens if you go more than a week your stomach fills so much your dick scrapes on the floor is that oh that's exactly what happens wow

yeah I thought you were going to say just starts coming back up no no that's bollocks that's bollocks but your dick even if you haven't got a dick it scrapes on the floor

and you go get your mum to put I'll stop please my dad to this day and before this particular incident had a joke every time I needed the loo that I should be careful not to block it

because according to him my shits are bigger than the pipe. Brilliant. Yeah. Anyway, oh, she's actually added there that just to put my mind at ease, I'm guessing

she's a lot more regular since she's had kids. I'm so glad. I'm glad too. Probably your diet. Yes. Yeah. Anyway,

amongst sickness I went to the toilet and fully cleared myself out congratulations thank god flushed the loo and it hadn't quite disappeared there we go

the water was taking its time going back down so I tried again the water rose up a little higher this time but it looked to be slowly going back down

so I went back to bed thinking it'd clear by the time I went back. You know, that's good thinking. It hadn't quite disappeared the next time that she went back. So I had another flush. The moments that followed

totally snapped me out of my sweaty, hungover, period pain state. Just to set the scene a little bit more for you here. At the side of the loo, there was a little hole in the flooring, about an inch in diameter where you could see the spotlighting that was in the kitchen below.

I'm guessing they were getting work done or something. So, just to let you know, the shit, piss, tissue filled water continued to rise and rise whilst I was open mouthed and panicking shouting, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, whilst I was open-mouthed and panicking, shouting, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, whilst home alone.

Over it went, gushing over the toilet like a little brown waterfall, which straight away poured down the little hole. I mean, put your foot over the hole is the first thing you do. You would think, wouldn't you? Immediately, I put my foot over that hole straight away.

She's hungover, though. She's 22. Fair enough. You know what I mean? Fair enough. After staring for a few enough. You know what I mean? Fair enough. After staring for a few moments, I decided to run to the stairs in a hope you couldn't see anything

coming through the ceiling in the kitchen. Wow. Eight spotlights, all starting to pour out lovely shitty water in the hot, humid kitchen where the sun was shining. Man alive. It's coming through the spotlights.

Through the little spotlights. I picked up the phone to ring my partner who was working 40 minutes away, who was less likely to solve the problem than me anyway and said, what do you think I should do? And she thinks she sent him an MMS to show him how

bad it was. Brilliant. He said his mate was a plumber who told me it would be at least an hour before he got to me. Oh, that's what you want. I know. I've blocked the toilet with my shitty waters everywhere.

I'm sending my mate round. He's mate. He's mate. Can you imagine? So, it goes on. I don't even know what I did in this hour apart from sit on the stairs

watching the mess pour down with my head in my hands. It's a bit of a blur from that point, but what I do remember is that when he came and shoved his hands down the loo to unblock it, which I stood watching to be honest, why?

Why did she watch? Why did he send his friend and why did she watch? Why didn't she just... I would have died. I hope she lit a candle. That's all I'm going to say. He had candles. Yes.

Not only did he pull out an almighty shit yeah but numerous tampons that's it I was going to say it was them

that's what it was it was them she said at this point I didn't realise how I shouldn't have been flushing them down the toilet exactly

I didn't know that for a long time yeah you don't flush your tampons down the loo put them in the bin route them in the toilet put them in the bin

heavens to bet so the smell she said the smell was horrific the kitchen floor was swimming the ceiling was completely ruined

and the carpet on the landing was ruined yeah so basically it was horrific but they did get a whole new bathroom a new landing

and the stair carpet's done a new landing yeah a new landing and the stair carpet's done a new landing yeah a new landing yeah good god that's horrendous it's bad isn't it

yeah it's the it's the sea and the water brown water come through the spotlights just dropping down almost like like a shit version of

you know where you know in the Shining when the lift opens and the blood comes out. Yeah. Like a really awful version of that. I'd rather a lift on blood than eat spotlights with shitty water coming out. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But it's like, you know, in an American office when, like, the fire alarms go off and the fire, like Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that, but shit. Oh, no. No. Why did you stand watching?

Could you stand watching while someone was getting all your old tampons out of the toilet? Do you think she was trying to explain stuff? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? No, well, that was the club. That's me mam's. Yeah. No, that was me friend's.

That was Steph's. Oh, no. That's really... I don't recognise that one. That's made me really sad, that story. Can I just say as well, she was Steph's. Oh, no. That's really... I don't recognise that one. That's made me really sad, that story. Can I just say as well, she really described that like no one's business. I know, she remembers it well.

So can we just take a moment and know that she ruined three rooms, technically. Bathroom, kitchen, landing. Stairs, four rooms. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were insured, though, so... Oh, great, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, if anybody's listening...

That would have been a cracking call at the insurance company, that. What exactly happened, great. Listen, if anybody's listening. That would have been a cracking call at the insurance company there. What exactly happened? Well. We should. There's something, right? If you're listening right now and you work for an insurance company,

email in. Tell me your best claims that you've had. Oh, yes, please. That would be good, wouldn't it? Yes, please. That would be awesome. I don't know anyone who works for insurance. Yeah.

Except Vicky Gondelson. She's in Real Housewives of Orange County. She runs an insurance company, but. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Except Vicky Gondelson on Net, she's in Real Housewives of Orange County. Oh, for f... She runs an insurance company, but, yeah. I don't know her personally, obviously,

but I feel like I do because I watch them on there. Anyway. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. It's now not time for this week's Celebrity Question. Celebrity Question.

Celebrity Question. We haven't got one because we considered today of recording the podcast the first day of actual podcast work um and realize that you can't just ask a celebrity in the morning to record the question so there isn't one this week but you know what there might not even be one next week we'll see no we will we'll get some there will be we don't it's very cringe just messaging people and then you're like well they, they might not, what constitutes a celebrity?

I don't know. but they always go, what do you want us to ask? And I'm like, well, you know, just ask, ask whatever you want.

Maybe we could scrap this segment. We'll see. I thought about maybe, listen, let's just discuss it with everyone because they're all, you guys are involved as much as us in this podcast.

Yes. I thought what we could do one time is get some questions from the public, but like recorded so they could see them. What do you think? That could be a good idea. An audio question from the public. Audio question from the public. but like recorded, so they could see them. That could be a good idea. An audio question from the public.

Audio question from the public. Okay then. Well, we'll do. We'll find a good one in the email. We'll email them back and get them to record it on the old voice. Right. That could work.

But they might want to be anonymous. Anonymous. Well, they can put an accent on. Well, just don't say your name and wear a fake moustache while you're doing the phone call. Okay. Well, listen,

I've got a celebrity question for you how are you then hello uh-huh it's charlotte church from the valleys okay hi charlotte um do you like singing um yeah me too charlotte thank you for your question that was terrible. Was that supposed to be Charlotte Church's voice? It was. Was it Welsh? I don't know.

I don't know what you just did there. I just... I don't know what happened. Charlotte Church sent a question in, and I've just played it out. All right, okay. Okay, yeah, good. Good.

Right. Well, that was terrible. What anti-climax? No star carrier. Fuck. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. That was the end of episode 46. Chris has just told me again which episode it was.

Thank you so much for listening. Yes, you're better. Ah, yes. Thank you very much for listening, guys. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarrydenoy.gmail.com. My tour, my 2022, which is very very nearly sold out is still on sale now we've added some extra dates and all of that jazz we'll be back next

week with more utter utter drivel and we hope to see you then also just to let you know that I'm making a prawn and egg noodle stir fry for tea if you're running low on ideas that's just to let you know what we're having just in case prawn and egg prawn and egg noodles like stir fry prawn and noodles spring onion there'll be a bit of coriander in there lime and soy sauce might put an egg in

give it a bit of texture an actual egg actual egg well i'll crack it some i'll i'll smash up a few cashew nuts for you all All right? You're welcome. Bloody sounds fantastic. I'm going out, though. Bye. Prick. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now

to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only