Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 48. Drip Drip Drop.

Episode Date: January 24, 2020

Tensions are running high on this week's episode! As always there's a weekly beef (with Barry getting more air time than ever) and some brilliant questions and stories from the public. This week these cover birth stories to tap water chat and dentistry to a sex themed urban myth. Enjoy. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband for life, Christopher Ramsey.

For life? We'll see. I didn't sign up for this. I thought this was a short-term thing. That's what marriage is. For life. All of my life. Wifey for wifey.

Wifey for lifey. All of my life or all of your life? Chris, I don't know. All right, okay. Not for life if you keep cracking on the way that I don't know. Right, okay. Not for life if you keep cracking on the way that you're cracking on. Come on, your turn. There's a get-out closest there.

Hello, we want prenup. No prenup. Hi everyone, thank you for listening as always. It is episode 48 coming into your beautiful, beautiful ears. I mean, they might be beautiful, they might be not. They might be a bit waxy, you never know. Do you ever pull your AirPod out and there's a bit of wax on it? It's not nice, is it?

Do it on the train. People see you looking at it. They can see it. Anyway. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm too excited. We've just been to the supermarket, haven't we?

I don't know. We've been to the supermarket and I was running around like a child when I bought some beer. It's because we went without Robin. That's why. It was actually quite enjoyable. It was unbelievable, wasn't it?

I absolutely loved it. It is episode 40, like I said. Before we start, we'll talk about the supermarket later on, guys. First, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Tupperware. Go ahead. Hey. You're going to put that away, do you?

Put that in the fridge? Sell some Tupperware. Hey. Put that in the microwave? Warm it up hey put that in the microwave warm it up yeah get some top away yeah hey don't put your beans in it why go orange oh yeah don't put tomato soup in it yeah it's gonna go orange where's yeah use it once orange where's the lid wait what hey you want to use it once put it it in the cupboard? Where's that lid gone? Don't know. Eh? Or maybe you get the lid and maybe you can't find the right bottom.

Top of the way. Story of my life. I always think one week you're just going to have a surprise, like, sponsorship. But it's never happened yet. What do you mean? Just I feel like you will have done a deal,

like, on the sly, without me knowing, like, as a special surprise. And we might actually start getting paid for this but it's not happening yet. What are you trying to say? Go over there in the bottom cupboard

that I've just been in looking for a lid. There's loads of Tupperware in there. Oh great, yeah. We got sent all that. No, so what? Tupperware. It's what we get sent.

We paid for that Tupperware, Chris. No, no. It may have looked like that I just kept the money. Oh my God. Right, should we get started? Ah, go on then, might as well. No else to do.

Yes, the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jing the jingle Jingle Jingle Welcome back Pull up a chair

Sit down, make yourself comfortable You're probably out walking the dog You might be on a run I have to say again If you're on public transport, just laugh man You're allowed to laugh Should we all laugh together right now? No, I don't like where this is going

After three No Have a little laugh A forced laugh Like Joaquin Phoenix in Joker No thank you Just have a little laugh with this No it'll not be a real laugh

Right well I've said it now I'm going to do it Ready Yeah Count us in I've got to count you in now Well you said you didn't want to do it I'm doing it

You count me in Ready Three two one Oh that was horrible oh i didn't like that at all it wasn't far off so insincere there's no there was something really weird about it it's kind of like there was a clone of you if there was a clone of you and it laughed like that when i said something really funny i'd be like she's being cloned here would you love a clone of me god what two of you fucking kidding on you Twice as much shite lying around the house.

Not a chance, mate. No way. Have you ever seen anyone who really looks like you? No. Like a doppelganger. I get sent them on Twitter. Someone will always be like, Yo, Ramsey, look at this.

My mate Steve looks exactly like you. And fucking... They never do. Oh, God. Like, not one single bit. I got sent one last year, right? Yeah. look at this like me mate Steve looks exactly like you and fucking oh god like not one single bit I got sent one last year right and there was a girl

who was picking up the balls in the tennis at Wimbledon what are they called again ball girl ball people whatever

or ball person ball person ball collector ball collector well anyway she looked like me and actually the point where I looked at it

and I was like yeah she does first time ever so they're thinking that you the slob I live with could have actually got a job picking stuff up

for other people in the telly or you're taking the piss you would be the worst ball person ever they'd be fucking you'd turn

you'd turn Wimbledon and you'd go bloody hell the grass is luminous oh no it's just all the balls that lazy fucker's left lying all over

the place do you know where they'd be at the bottom of the stairs do you know where they'd

be Rosie they'd be next to the thing that you put the balls in they'd be next to it

on the bench are you actually kidding me yeah because you are horrific don't even don't even hey do you

want to bring the beast forward I will you take nothing upstairs you want to bring the beast forward yeah i will i will you take nothing upstairs right you take not you love to live this life of i'm so clean and tidy i do all this stuff you do fuck all mate you do not you actually don't you actually don't you you know what you do but sandra put a wash in leave it for seven hours yeah and then and then i'll find it and go when

do you put the wash on you you go you can naff off your favourite thing is putting a wash on and leaving the house you are are you seriously you treat that washing machine are you winding me up

right now you treat that washing machine like a nuclear warhead that you've just enabled and you turn it on and you like get out of the blast zone and you just fucking leg it

as fast as you can are you kidding me can you see people listening at home you cannot see the eyes that I'm genuinely giving him now because you are taking the piss here. No.

You're actually taking the piss. No, you do it. You absolutely do it. You are living in a parallel universe with you doing everything when in reality you don't do everything. You don't. You're winding me up now.

We're going to start this and I'm on bad terms here. No, no. The clothes on the... Chris, are you kidding me tell me the last time you made the bed tell me the last time you made our bed right now never i just don't believe in making them why don't you believe i don't believe in making beds because you're gonna get back into it anyway and i we have the luxury of not even having any wardrobes

or anything in our bedroom we got all that so you don't even go back in that room i don't go back sometimes i'll go back up in that room and the curtains will still be shut off the day before and the bed's still pure and i just climb straight in that's that's upsetting why it's lovely there's something really nice about getting back into your bed that's made and just kind of like getting snuggly yeah but all you're trying to do is every day convince yourself and con yourself that's a new bed it's not it's the same bed and it's the same sheets don't get us wrong climbing into new sheets is bloody lovely i know we did it yesterday we had our annual sheet change yesterday the small things anyway we're beefing we shouldn't be beefing yet we're not at that point yet i've got loads i've been home i've been home since the

end of strictly i think this is why we're piling up we're having bad times guys honestly they're piling up i've got them written On different parts of my body To remind us Like memento Like little beef tattoos Beef's on me little hand Isn't that Yeah What have you been up to

Have you been up much No No No No not really No I had a night out The other night

I got drunk You did didn't you Put stuff on Instagram Stories on Instagram You love a bit of this Well I know And I did it So irritating

Well this is the thing right You know And I know I'm not a bad drunk I'm actually quite a nice drunk I get drunk stories on instagram a bit of this well i know and i did it well this is the thing right you know and i know i'm not a bad drunk i'm actually quite a nice drunk i get drunk i just get a bit merry and have a laugh yeah i'm not you are actually like yeah i'm not an aggressive drunk a lot of people have to like i know a lot of people at the minute on social media and stuff they're all cutting down drink and not drinking as much because i don't think they're i don't think they're good drunk people does that make sense and i can't i totally understand when it when it's affecting your life in a bad way i i absolutely get that but um i'm all right

do you know what i mean but anyway came home from the night out you were coming home from london so you were on the really late train and i did some stories and then because i spoke to a girl on the night out first of all can we just say what I said, what I found annoying at the beginning? Because people were thinking, what was it that I found annoying? What you do is you wake up in the night. I woke up about half past five in the morning thinking, oh shit, what have I said?

So this is the thing. So before we talk about, because I actually want to talk, I want to talk about what those videos were about because it really did interest us what you said that lady said to you. But it's like the amount of times, guys, that I'll wake up at five in the morning and I'll be woken up by a hungover rosie watching last night's insta videos back because you've woke up with bfe at about half five going what have i said and you've

had to watch it back that's the that is the problem with having that many followers on your instagram and stuff like oh you remember waking up pissed and thinking did i text me ex now it's like did i confess something to half a million people absolutely like how many times did i say the c word yeah to however many people when i had 5 000 followers i didn't care i'd have slept sound soundly but now it's just a bigger level and i think with having a child as well not that he would he would never ever say it but now he's at a school and stuff i'm always like oh what have I said yeah the headmistress like

saw your stories yeah oh god is everything okay at home that would be that would be not good Robbins started saying the C words and we thought it might be

on another child and then we saw your video from Friday where you said it continuously for a full Insta story and now we know so you spoke to a girl on

the night out what oh right okay so there was this lovely group of girls on the night out as you like it in jesmond um big up it's a fab pub live band was on did

my first uh ticketed uh stand-up gig in the northeast there did you really my first ever gig where people had to play it just see me was was there oh that's cool

thank you for letting me know that no problem um i just like to try and make was there oh that's cool thank you for letting me know that no problem I just like to try and make everything about me as much as I can I know you do it's funny that isn't it

ask us about the story and then just talk about yourself sorry great so yeah we're on a night out and this group of girls

was out for their friend's birthday and randomly I was chatting to a couple of them and she went I've got to I want to ask you

advice and I was like alright okay thinking wow okay and she said she's been with her boyfriend for a few years and the

other night he said to her I don't love you anymore and I don't think I want to be with you and I was like oh that's not very nice and she went yeah and then you know we talked about it and then we got back together and I was like whoa whoa whoa whoa that's crazy so in my back together and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's crazy. That's crazy.

Yeah. So in my drunken state, I was very honest and I've just said to her, what are you doing? Why would you get back with someone who's told you that they don't love you anymore

and they don't want to be with you because... Yeah, you can't really work that out. That's not something you should be saying to someone. That's final, isn't it? Yeah. That's like going to a restaurant,

going home, vomiting going home vomiting and being sick and shitting all night of food poisoning then going there the next day for a meal again yeah oh yeah totally don't go back don't go back and she did and bless her and she seemed really insecure and she was so beautiful and such you know when you can tell someone's just a nice person and now i don't know i got know, I got my friend involved. You got your friend involved? I was like, Steph, come here. And then I told Angela, and then we all kind of told her.

Jesus, I'm surprised you didn't do it Insta live. Come outside where we get signal. Come on, we'll ask my followers. They'll tell you. Hi, everyone. This is Shanice. She was not called Shanice. Ah, she was called Shanice.

Of course she was. No, and so, I mean, I I don't know she might still be with him but I just if you're listening now and somebody said that to you don't stay with that person because they don't deserve you

I mean that's not something you throw out in the middle of an argument I don't like it's not I don't love you and I don't want to be with you

it's not the same as you're doing me headed we might come and have a break we need to chat about something I don't want kids where's this going rather than I don't love you and I don't want to be with you is not the same as you're doing me headed. I know. We need to come and have a break. We need to chat about something. I don't want kids. Where's this going? Yeah.

Rather than... I don't love you. I don't want to be with you anymore. Yeah, that's pretty... That's nailing the coffin material. That's not nice, is it? Not nice. I mean, no.

It's not that it's not nice. If it's true, if he actually doesn't want to be with her, you can't say it's not nice. If he doesn't love her and he doesn't want to be with her... Yeah, but he's still with her. It's crazy. It's strange. But what i'm saying is if he was if he was telling

the truth yeah that's fair enough yeah but don't stay with the person then like literally you can't go right i just want to talk um pause pause netflix look i just don't love you and i don't want to be with you right you watch the rest of this episode? I know No, get your shit and go Fuck me Yeah Well actually, now that we're talking about it I've been thinking about this for a while Oh yeah, yeah

Come on I just wanted to let you know that Excellent I do love you I want to be with you But you irritate the living shit out of us Oh, okay, yeah So just to be clear

Just for clarity in our relationship You know, fucking pony ride yourself mate eh you know day at the beach yourself why do you have to bring sex life into the podcast

all the time it's embarrassing I was talking about your shit now what have you been up to I did I hosted the one show last week

you bloody you did I bloody hosted the one show do you know what it was terrifying and I'll tell you why Daniel Radcliffe

aka Harry Potter has he yeah pulled out at the last minute of what of what of what

that's what she said careful slander slander he pulled out at the last minute bless him I don't think he was well

by the sounds of things but it was like one of them things of like, hey, Chris, hey, primetime, you know, hey, Chris, are you worried about live presenting?

A little bit. I've never done it. Hey, it's before the watershed. You can't swear. Yeah, well, your podcast's got the name Shagged In, so obviously it's something I do, so I'm a little bit worried.

By the way, the guest we've based everything around isn't here. All right, great. And then just before we were about to go on air, right, they said, so on Friday,

there was a rumor circulating that one of the royals one of the senior royals had died it was on twitter and stuff it was like people saying prince philip might have died so what happens is on bbc shows i didn't know this but the kid were literally about to go live and i'm like by the way guys there's a rumor that a royal may have died so if they have we'll just put this up on the autocue and you just gotta um cut to the news right you ready and i was like no i'm fucking done what the hell's going on it was terrifying literally i said is this a joke you do when people are like when people are tv baby yeah like i spoke to ian sterling oh you watch the watch

oh it's great mate you'll love the one show it's the last lovely easy job get fucking honestly i've thrown in at the deep end it was terrifying but isn't that the best way to learn in a way yeah because then it was like they were like you handle it really well I was like well inside I was crying

before we carry on we've got big news this week guys big big big big huge colossal massive enormous

gigantic news yep Rosie's on a thesaurus word a day toilet paper can I have a high five for that because I think that was quite a lot of giant it's not a thesaurus word a day toilet paper. Can I have a high five for that? Because I think that was quite a lot of giant. It's not a proper high five if you have to request it.

But it was very good. You did very well. Thank you. You did very well. Yeah, we've been nominated for what is called an ARIA award. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I had never heard much about these awards. I'm not a radio guy.

Rosie is a radio guy. The ARIAs, I've been, you know, not in an Alan Partridge way, I've been informed that the Arias are very much the Oscars of the radio world. So, yeah. So we've been nominated for an Oscar. For funny... Listen, they don't know. Oscar.

No, brackets of the radio world. Yeah, we've been nominated for a big award, Aria. It's, don't worry, Smiles and Daz, you don't have to vote um we're just saying um thank you because you guys listen to this and you guys have made this so popular and we've been nominated for funniest show alongside like god there's bbc radio four shows in there there's absolute radio breakfast show with dave berry like one of the biggest radio shows in the country we're just wanting to say thank you we're really are over the moon and very chuffed yeah that you're listening and thank

you and keep subscribing and liking and rating and all that it really does mean the world I hope we win I'd love to win

nobody just wants to be nominated well I want to win yeah but you know it is nice to be nominated out of loads of shows

I mean it is right it is lovely but I just wonder if anyone else who's nominated spends during their broadcast as we're doing now as this broadcast um sniffing the pop shield like what you've just been doing while

we were talking there you were just why you gotta point out all my flaws we're literally talking about one of the biggest awards in radio and as we're talking about it you're sniffing that i wonder if dave berry is ever having a chat to his presenters and co-hosts and they're just sniffing the pop shield like a fucking cat listen skip the beefs because this is ridiculous do we need do we need to start

this podcast again because I feel an undercurrent of you getting on my tits here stop sniffing stuff it's weird I was sniffing

my breath but on the pop shield because I'm a little bit why are you saying it like that explains it and that's fine because i'm a bit hungry and i've got a bit of a smelly breath oh good god why are you telling everyone is that what happens you get smelly breath when you're hungry i thought it was just when you didn't feel well just a bit of everything do you know what it is this is horrible i think we need a break that's why we don't have a video podcast, because you just do weird shit.

Weird little stuff, little sniffing things. Oh, yeah. Headbutting the pot field. Listen, listen. Let's get these beefs on the go. Let's do a beef, because I had one under my little pipe. Oh, you're bringing out big ones, are you? Uh-huh.

You're bringing out the old hand-gunny beef. Let's do it. It's time for What's Your Beef? All right, Chris. Hello, Barry. How are you doing? I'm all right, mate. Seen you on the one show. Aye. Aye, you are shit. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap It's time for What's Your Beef Alright Chris Hello Barry How you doing I'm alright mate Seen you on the one show

Aye Aye you are shit Oh Barry you know how to cut me I thought what a fucking tosser There he is sitting there Thinking he's mint Far too jolly Couldn't understand a word you said

And your hair looked Bollocks So listen, stuff you, stuff everything you're about, stuff your family, hope you fall over and break your legs.

Alright, cool. So when you say stuff your family, Barry, is Rosie included in that? No, she's mint! Alright. Listen, she's lovely, lovely, lovely lass.

Met her a few times, used to be going out. She doesn't speak to us anymore, but listen, she's too good for you you shouldn't even be together I think she's only with you because she feels sorry for you and I feel sorry for you

as well and listen you just don't treat her badly because she's a lovely lass and I'm telling you now when you're finished with her I'll have her off you that was beautiful Barry

thank you very much listen don't do the one show again because I like that show and you are shit and I'll see you later right treat her good treat her nice she deserves better than you trot trot trot and I'll see you later. Right? Treat her good, treat her nice. She deserves better than you.

Tra, tra, tra. Yeah, right, right. Tra, everyone,

tra. See you, see you later. Oh, God. I never thought he'd tell you that. I'm so embarrassed. Oh,

I love the way he phrases things. I love the way that he said, met her a few times, then used to go out. We did, we went out a few times. It's just weird that he said, met her a few times then used to go out we did we went out a few times it's just weird that he said met her a few times

first then divulged that he used to actually be in a relationship with you it wasn't a long relationship it was only

seven years seven years yeah it wasn't very long okay good good lover imagine that's where a lot of

imagine that's where a lot of his anger comes from from our relationship from our seven years the last seven years you never know yeah so this was before

What's Your Beef so they all just piled up inside him didn't they yeah sorry we let them out what do you mean that's why he's called

Barry Beef because he held in all the beefs oh yes yeah yeah he used to be lovely when we were going out

together honestly such a good lover such a good lover horrible What's Your Beef so my beef with you this week is

you have a tour coming up, working really hard, getting it all put together. You had a really good year last year, really busy. And there's days when, you know, you're a bit tired, a bit stressed out. And I say to you,

Chris, why don't you just stay in the house today? I'll take Robin out, me and him. We'll go meet a friend for coffee, whatever bloody blah play did. You stay in. I'm giving you free pass. You play on your PlayStation. Watch the telly.

Go for a walk. What do you do? You put your foot down and you say no and you come with us begrudgingly, mope around with us all day why do you do that? Do I ruin your day?

Is that I don't you don't ruin the day but I just don't know why you're scared it's like

I don't fucking know right I feel right I'm terrified of you you're an ogre but basically right when

I think it's because I'm away so much and stuff like that but I don't know I don't know if any blokes I don't know if this is a male female thing I think it's because I'm away so much and stuff like that but I don't know I don't know if any blokes I don't know if this is a male female thing I'm not sure

but I can just say from my point of view I don't know if any blokes listening ever hear oh you just have a chill out day you just stay in your plenty places I'll take that

I feel like it's a trap oh my word I feel like I'm being lulled in I feel like no I can see the warning signs I feel like you're going to come back in after an hour and be like right I've had him for an hour he's yours in. I feel like, no, I can see the warning signs. I feel like you're going to come back in after an hour

and be like, right, I've had him for an hour here. He's yours now. And I'm like halfway through a level or I'm up a really high level on zombies or something and I can't turn it off. I just feel like it's going to come back and bite us. I feel like I'm being set up. Well, that's ridiculous.

Right. I wouldn't say it. Right. I wouldn't offer, I wouldn't give you the opportunity if I didn't mean it right I wouldn't I wouldn't offer I wouldn't give you the opportunity if I didn't mean it right okay

right so next time uh huh can I request these days or does it have to be no no it's only it's only when I offer

there it is no you can't request no oh gosh no that's this is not how it works here's the kicker it's only when I'm in a good enough mood

right and you know to have Robin on my own. Okay. But are they going to get stored up like little special powers, like little trump cards that you're going to pull out now and then

when you want? So if you give me one for free, a day pass, can you then request one? Handing in the one you've used. I mean, I'd never thought of that. Right, so it's a trap. It's a trap.

It's a trap. It's not. Fuck you. Saw it coming a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's not fuck you saw it coming a mile away bullshit bullshit where's my bullshit card bullshit

there's my bullshit card your loss your loss mate honestly oh no try it again because I did that one how about then even though you've had me

life at this podcast what do you be for me have you got loads yeah really one two three four five there's five there there's five Even though you've had me life at this podcast, what do you beef with me? Have you got loads? Yeah. Really? One, two, three, four, five. There's five there. There's five.

But I'm such a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. My beef with you this week is you went shopping in London the other day. Right. You went to a store called Harrods. Yes, quite well-known store. Yeah.

You walked around the food hall. You got a bit too excited. You bought a punnet of tomatoes. Yeah. Tell everyone how much the tomatoes were, Rosie. Tell them how much they were. They were £9.60.

£9.68! £9.68! £9.68! £9.68! £9.68 actually. £16! That's worse! I don't know how it's worse. You got excited as you do in these places and you bought, what, the little ones

on the vine? There was two little vines? They were on the vine. There must have been 15 tomatoes there. Mmm. That's about Seventy pence Of fucking tomatoes Rosie Yeah it is They were tiny They were like marbles

I know What's wrong with you So is that your beef This is my beef I'm still annoyed at it And then you ate one You got home I think you ate one on the train

Didn't you And you were like Oh but it is amazing They were very nice Oh for god Tomatoes aren't nice No one likes tomatoes Do you know what it is?

I wanted to buy loads of stuff, but I knew that we were getting the train back. Yeah. And I was like, well, I can't buy anything fresh. And I bought them. And then the guy weighed them, put the sticker on. I got to the till. And when I scanned them, there was a queue.

I was like, I can't go back and put them back. So I had to buy it begrudgingly. I had to pay £9. £9.16 for a handful of tomatoes. I know. Unbelievable. Who's living that life? Who's getting the weekly shop at Harrods? People do, you know.

People do. Really? How much was cereal? I don't think they do cereal. What kind of shop doesn't do cereal? What kind of fucking shop does tomatoes but not cereal? It's not like... It's a food hall.

They don't just do boxes of cereal. No. Cereal's food? Christopher, no. Do they not do cereal? No, they did like... They did fruit and veg. Right.

Smoothies. And then meats in that and cheese. Oh, God, I should have... How much was a smoothie? That didn't look... Oh, Jesus Christ. I know, it was very expensive. But they were lovely. They were nice. And that's all I bought. They were, but I don't look oh Jesus Christ I know it's very expensive but they were lovely

they were nice and that's all I bought they were but I don't know how much are the big tomatoes I don't know but I can't believe you're beefing on this

right you know what it is right about buying tomatoes right I know like you know I work hard and sometimes I will buy big things

we'll buy a big thing do you know we'll buy a sofa you know we'll buy something like that but it's when it's when it's when it's something really little

that's really expensive that really winds us up and I don't know why so you're not beefing with me you're beefing with Harrods you didn't have to

buy them I did it was a really big coupon and I was really embarrassed who walks around Harrods on a day

in London and thinks I'll buy them tomatoes well clearly me why did you pick the tomatoes up I don't know Tron Harrods on a day in London and thinks, I'll buy them tomatoes. Well, clearly me. Why did you pick the tomatoes up? I don't know.

Who do you think you were that day? Who were you pretending to be? Like someone from Maiden Chelsea. You and Jamie Lang, tomato shopping in Harrods. Me and Jamie Lang. I was, what's her face? You get the tomatoes, I'll get the buffalo mozzarella. Yeah.

We'll have an antipasti. That's who I was. Carriage home. That's who I was. Honestly, you get above your station sometimes. Scum. I know.

Scum with money. That was it. You know, on the left, they probably went, she bought them. Did you see her cry when we told her

how much they were? She bought them. What an idiot. Sucker. It's time for questions from the public questions from the public public

public public as always guys if you want to get in touch it is shagged myrodenoid at gmail.com send us everything send us

your hopes, dreams opinions on stuff the lot we'll genuinely get sent some fantastic stuff well actually yeah I've really gone to town with

the questions okay recently i hope they're going to be good now that i've said that but i've actually been spending a lot of time going through because there's so many yeah and there's so many good ones and i feel like i'm only skimming the surface which is over 10 000 in there yeah there's like 11 or 12 000 now wow and um wow they're just untouched i've only read i've only read probably about 300 of them every time we're sitting in the office and you're like i'll be sitting in my computer i'll just hear you laughing i hear giggling and i always turn around and you've always just got that gmail page open shag marion audit gmail.com if you want to get in touch guys please do please please please are you ready let's dance let's

delve in here we go so like we say this question please, please. Are you ready? Let's dance. Let's delve in. Here we go. So like we say, there used to be questions, but now it's very much just stories. Yeah, but that's totally cool. Totally cool. Here we go. Hi, guys. Hi. I'd like to share my beautiful daughter's entrance into the world.

Happy days. I had been in labour for a long time. The baby was in distress, and I was told it would be necessary to have an emergency C-section. I've been in labour for a long time The baby was in distress And I was told it would be necessary To have an emergency C-section I've been there myself It's not very nice I've been near there myself Don't

It's not very nice Don't I was standing there Don't You didn't even come in Oh no you did Oh no I did actually You did

Oh god I've blanked it out Wow Yeah but I didn't They held up the big screen Didn't they The help one The screen The bit of I asked you to have a look And you wouldn't Remember I wouldn't... They held up the big screen, didn't they? The help one on the screen.

The bit of... I asked you to have a look and you wouldn't. I wouldn't have a look. You were going, have a look. I was like, there's no way. I wouldn't be able to look at you again. Honestly. Would I have to... I wish...

I wanted a film at me. I would love to have watched that back. A fucking C-section. Uh-huh. My own C-section. You would as well. I would. You would.

You'd watch it. I love Botched. Oh, God. What? Nah, I can't. I can't. Did I'll tell you when i was at school once what we did sex education just before dinner and they showed the video a video of a baby being born and i didn't know that day did they full-on show it yeah full-on showed it fully coming out what yeah yeah yeah i it must have been like quite 80s the lady had like proper permed

massive hair and she had really thick glasses on weirdly I thought it was really bad and the bloke like

I just remember that I just remember because she was giving birth but she had these massive really really thick prescription glasses

on what if it was a fashion I don't know the one the one massive full on really and I was just

like oh my god and yeah she just oh say i don't want that how old was i must have only been about 14 i don't know that's intense isn't it really intense we never say i went to a catholic school so i don't think we ever i don't remember seeing anything like that we had sex education but it was very much like sperm egg right yeah no this was this was her screaming baby fully coming out camera right in our in our bits like to be fair they so it should be it should you know yeah i remember kids need to know i learned something that day actually because i remember one of the lads in

the class was kicking off because uh the woman's obviously pubic hair was like you know she was pregnant so she hadn't done anything so pubic hair was like you know she was pregnant so she hadn't done anything so pubic hair was like you know kicking right off yeah and i remember this lad at the class was like oh pubic hairs don't want knees and some girl went literally some girl but you think she can do a bikini like one she's pregnant you pig i was like learning loads yeah like all the lasses in my phone class didn't fuck about like love i did not fuck about i love it when anyone puts pig on the end she literally just like rinsed them yeah it was really funny anyway carry on right okay so i was exhausted and sleep deprived

due to the prolonged labor and when i had the epidural injection in my spine it only took effect on one side so they had to administer another lot. Needless to say, it took effect in a massive way and my body shook uncontrollably, which is apparently quite common. It's a bit scary, isn't it? My arms were placed at my side, the screen was put up and they began to cut me open. My teeth were chattering and I felt like I was paralysed, all the while feeling like somebody was doing the washing up in my stomach Goodness me My daughter was born, she was taken away

And they rubbed her frantically as she didn't make a sound It was an intense few moments Goodness me After what seemed like forever, she finally cried And everyone was so relieved She was shown to me whilst I was stitched back together again The surgeon left the room and I burst into tears my partner was emotional and so were the midwives one lovely nurse came to me and put her on around me and said oh love don't cry your baby is here safe now i nodded but then

admitted that the reason i was crying was that the whole time my daughter was being born, the surgeon's balls were resting neatly in my hand, but I couldn't move my arm. No! Oh, my God! Oh, no! The nurse said, Oh, you should have squeezed them. Wow.

But he had the scalpel after all. Oh. So that's her birth story. So he had the scalpel after all. Oh. So that's her birth story. So he was, I get it. So he was like leaning up and leaning over. She was literally cupping his balls the whole time. Yeah. And he just dropped these bollocks into her hand.

Oh my goodness. Can you imagine that? Literally the surgeon's balls were in her hand the whole time that he was cutting open her stomach and her child was being... But you can't... She couldn't move her arm. How to sully a birth memory. I know. As if it wasn't traumatic

enough. Oh, God. Why didn't you say... Would you say something? Me? You know me. I've got no tact whatsoever. I'd literally be like, mate, get your balls off me hand. But that's me. I i know we were in a cafe this morning for breakfast and i asked them to put the heating on and you were like freaking out because you said i was cheeky like i've got you are cheeky well you were sitting in your coat

gutted and i was like sticking on willies and you were like you can't say that i can't i'm buying food from this place i know but by the time my thing was by the time they put the heating on by the time it took effect would probably be leaving so you just said it there was a lot of other people in that restaurant and they were fine a lot of them had jumpers and coats on no i was helping the people good for you yeah society is at its best when a man plants a tree of which shade he will never sit under did you make that up no it's something i got the words wrong but it's something like that you totally got that wrong i mean though say it again it's just like society is at it's best

when a man plants a tree but he'll never be able to sit under a tree because he's going to die but he knows the next generation will enjoy that tree that's what I did in that cafe

I'm really glad that you likened that to you asking someone to put the heat on in the cafe when I go back to that cafe next time if there isn't a statue of me

I'm going to be fuming do you remember when Nando's put your name on the back of a chair yes I do I do remember that I've told them to do it in the toilet

and they wouldn't it's not there anymore is it it was the Chris Ramsey chair wasn't it it's gone now it's gone you're more famous now

than you were then yeah yeah and it's not there anymore yeah but I think they've realised I'm not Nando's cool do you know what I mean no

I think it's all sort of like you know grime artists and that and really cool. You used to have a black card, didn't you? Remember that? I did. Had it for six years. Best six years of my life.

Good old days. Best six years of my life. We got a lot of free chicken, didn't we? Oh my God, so much free chicken. Tastes shit now. They're real. By the way, if anyone's wondering if black cards are real, they are real.

Real? Real. They're real. They are real. The staff used to always freak out when I went in with it. And yeah, I... Used to take about half an hour to get my food because they'd have to ring

head office to ask if it was real or whether it was just fake and then you got to swipe you on but but this was back in the day so a lot of people would be like so what do you do

do you remember why have you got one of these to be like there's a comedian on here but I don't know who you are yeah there's a lot of that going on oh I do miss it

yeah it was good fun doesn't taste the same no i don't go that much anymore we don't i'll be honest i think it's just because i sickened myself you know people went every day during the rule was like don't abuse it and some people not mentioning names but two famous people i know went every day one of them i know famous person i know got that card took his full family every day for a year who every day every single day who you're not allowed to tell us i don't really want to say who is it every single day i want to know i want to know took his full family you can get five meals on it he took the whole family every day not every day i'm telling you no way he says there's one next to his house he went

every single day every day you didn't you never let us go you were so worried that we were going to take it off you. I didn't like abusing it and then they took it off us anyway because I'm not street enough. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

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Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't.

The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother mother is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday gets it gets now oh oh this is good, this one, right? Hi, Rosie and Chris. Last week, me and my husband found out that his parents took the SD card out of his car, replaced it with a blank one,

and listened to our private conversations we had in the car. Sorry, what the fuck? What is this? No idea. SD? What kind of car is this? I don't know. Kit.

Kit, yeah. Bloody Q from James Bond. So... SD card? this no idea sd what kind of car is this i don't know kit yeah bloody q from james bond so sd car is there sd cards in cars i don't know what this means well anyway um these consisted of some unfavorable words against them mainly me complaining they were controlling etc never obviously they are um oh the. Oh, the dash cam. Oh, the dash cam. Who takes their son's dash cam footage to review their conversation? What?

I know. That is psycho. It is as well. This is a bit rank. We also talked about other things that we wouldn't want anyone else to know and I'm pretty sure there was a dirty conversation too.

Jackie. Obviously, we were very upset about this but they want us to apologize oh so they wow yeah wow yeah what are your thoughts on this so they've took the dash cam recording listen to it you see and then they have heard them slagging them off and now they want them to apologize i love that that. What a conversation that is. You alright, Dad? No, I'm not. I'm not alright. Yeah. You know that dash cam? Well, I stole it from your car. I've heard what you've been saying. I've listened to all

your conversations that you've been having for the past God knows how long. What, 120 gigs? 128 gigs? And, er, I'm fuming, slagging me and your mum's curtains off, or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Jesus! That's shocking, isn't it? That's a myth! I mean, you myth i mean you would you kind of be well a you can't apologize b you can't really speak to them again i don't think so how old is this person uh no idea are we looking at it like

is he you know are they 18 and do they pay for that car no I think I think they're about our age from what I remember okay from a little picture that I've seen attached to the email right so grown-ups

pure grown-ups goodness me whose parents do you know what's lovely about that your mum and dad or my mum they would have no idea oh god yeah

they'd have to ask us how they would listen to that yeah we'd have to get it for them we'd have to download it for them on our computer my dad would literally read son I'm trying would listen to that. We'd have to get it for them. We'd have to download it for them on our computer. My dad would literally read son I'm trying to listen to your conversation it's not playing. It's not playing

it's just saying file not found. Can you come round so I can spy on you? I know where he's at. I'll be two minutes. Do you know what it is though? If they listen to that now we've sent it in. That's out of order. Yeah it's rotten that by the way. And you need to be telling them to naff off. Oh, God, yeah.

Until you have children and you need babysitters, then you might have to just put up with that shit, unfortunately. I honestly can't believe that. What led them to do that is my question. I mean, you never know what's going on, though, do you? Maybe something serious has happened before that, that they need to know about. No, I don't think there's anything.

Why would you want to know? I'm very much of the ilk. Like, if somebody doesn't like us and they want to know about no i don't think there's anything why would you want to know i'm very much of the ilk like if somebody doesn't like us and they want to slag us off then i just don't i wouldn't want to know some people love to know don't they if someone r styles me by accident i put the phone down so quickly because my worst thing would be would be them hearing them slag us off oh my god have i ever told you this when i was uh when i was at the end of a fringe right years ago it was the year i got uh it'll be in 2011 year got nominated for the award and god has that got anything to do with the story have to mention it that's got to mention fuck all to do with the story nominated for the biggest award in comedy just you know so

this podcast and this messing about this lark wow i'm doing here wow full-time job uh to our on sale now um no i was just probably mine's eye i was just putting it up bullshit i'll tell you why i just had to mention it no because uh the head of the live department at uh at the the place i was represented by took us out when i was when i was nominated took us out for a meal okay in a swanky restaurant i walked past that swanky restaurant a couple of days later and I looked in the window and he was in there again. He was in there with someone else, right? And I thought, oh, I'll give him a ring.

And I like, we're from the window. And I rang him, right? And I watched him and he got his phone out. He looked at the phone, he cancelled the call. He put it back in his pocket. I was standing, looking down through the window. It was fucking horrible. Oh my Lord.

It was one of the worst things ever. It was like soul destroying. You've've never ever told me that story i've never told you yeah chris yeah yeah i looked at him i was standing like that smiling ready to wave and he looked at the phone and he put and he put it back down and it is my worst fucking nightmare so that's why ch... Chris. That's why, have you never been with me when someone I haven't seen for ages rings us and I just, if we're in public, and I just look around straight away to see where they are? Wow.

Because I always think my worst nightmare is doing that to someone else. If they're looking. Yeah. So if I'm standing in Newcastle City Centre during the day, we're shopping, and someone I haven't seen for ages rings us and I'm thinking, right, are they near me?

Am I going to put the phone up and they're going to go, turn around, I'm here? Because my worst nightmare is just cancelling it and putting it back in my pocket and them going, by the way, I'm right next to you. Oh, babe. It was, oh. Oh, my, literally, you've never, ever told me that,

and my heart is breaking out a little bit for you. It's true. You poor little lamb. I know, it was horrible to see. What a tosser eh yep you used to be

a bit of a bellend though back in the day oh cool just to know when you were younger when you were younger yeah well you might

to be fair it's not that he hated us he might have been busy but it was just really embarrassing that's it's very similar to going on a blind date

having a little peek in seeing them and going nah and leave is it is it not a is it and b have you done that no but i've seen it on the telly i went off off topic before but you know when people love to hear what people are saying about them i really don't but then on these shite american programs that i watch and actually shite english programs they're like somebody tells them what they've said about them and they lap it up and you're like why do you want

to know why are you feeding into it they always I mean it is to me a good TV but it's always like oh I've heard you've been saying things about us so say it to me face oh nah I didn't want to know I've heard you've been saying stuff about us and I'm never going to speak to you again and this conversation isn't even happening because I'm not actually talking to you yeah like oh god you need to tell me who that was who wouldn't answer the phone to you

and who they were with I need to just know not on here but I need to know no because then the listeners are going to want to know it was an old colleague

who don't work together anymore you don't work so I'm not going to see them no because if I they'd get a

I don't want to kind of whoop us on that you you ignoring my lad literally he's stood outside

breaking his heart I wasn't crying and you're sat there eating your leg queenie you jumped up little prick I tell you Chris I've got your back listen

I know I had a fight earlier on I wasn't crying you're crying now and you're talking about it it's it's not on I know I've fighting before

but listen we can fight but if anybody else, days. Thank you very much. Days. I'm a bit weird now. I've got your back. A bit much.

Would you have my back? No, probably not. Not in the same way. I'm not that bothered, but okay. Thank you. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I grew up near Aberdeen and now I live in Glasgow. One thing that Scottish people are obsessed with

is where the best tap water is I love it I already love it I didn't know that yeah apparently so I think the best tap water is in Glasgow it's bloody delicious whereas the water in London and down south is absolutely rank apologies I have not done a poll at work um where do you think has the best tap water in the country? Right I have to agree that up north tap water is better

Well I think there's there's more springs But but it's definitely not that Well Highland Springs that's a water Right yeah Pennine

Yeah Okay I mean I would maybe there's that maybe the reservoir maybe the quality of the water in the reservoir that it's coming from, possibly. But I was just going to say it's because there's less people. Yeah, well, and that, less pollution.

I remember when I was a kid, the lad who lived across the road, he's been in so many of these stand-ups. Yeah, yes, he's hard. His family came up from Cornwall once. I think it was Cornwall. And I distinctly remember them all banging on about the tap water. Yeah. And I'd have only been about 10, and I remember thinking, Jesus.

No, our water is nice. Yeah. We had family from Coventry, and they sometimes used to say, I'm sure this is nice water. And we'd be like, wow, we take it for granted. The Lake District's got nice water. The Lake District. I remember being in a caravan at the Lake District.

Caravans. And the water was always lovely. But I agree. I agree. Just less people, less pollution, nicer water. I dig that. Thank you for that lovely question, though. I love that Scottish people are obsessed with it.

That's so good. Apparently so. It's like a full on. I bloody love scotland though i used to tour around scotland in a little cabaret band doing gigs in scotland great okay so we have been having a lot of messages from health care professionals phenomenal this is what we need dentist Dentist. Ooh. Right. Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Patient confidentiality and all that. Yep. After hearing Jess's tales as a paramedic,

I thought I'd share a couple of tales from my time as a dentist. I currently work in private practice, so sadly I don't have as many of these encounters anymore. But by goodness, after nearly 10 years in the NHS, nothing shocks me anymore. But by goodness, after nearly 10 years in the NHS, nothing shocks me anymore. Firstly, it's not uncommon during a check-up

to retrieve what can only be described as close to half a sandwich in size from people's teeth. No way. Or even just from the inside of their cheeks. Oh.

And she said, even more disgusting is when you remove little dark curly hairs oh no yes pubes oh

we all knew you didn't have to say pubes we all knew what you meant I know well she she sent three but I'm not doing two of them three little dark curly hairs

no from people's mouths no she sent three stories but I'm only doing one of them because the other two were they were just really grim and like i'm telling you now you're gonna do them all and we'll pick no no i'm doing just one i've deleted the other two yeah it was really great damn it right so

i'll read them before bed tonight now this is from my days in glasgow a guy in his mid-twenties arrives to A&E with a pool ball stuck in his mouth. Brilliant. Turns out his mate dared him to try and fit it in his mouth. He successfully got the ball in. However, he couldn't get it back out. We tried multiple ways to get this ball out, but all failed. We even tried to dislocate his jaw, but his muscles spasmed so hard, this would never work,

despite all the sedatives in the world. Oh, goodness me. So we had to pop him to sleep, take him to theatre, decorinate his front 12 teeth. What's that? I don't know. It's a medical term.

Was it take them out? Yeah, so they had to cut the tops of his teeth off to pretty much gum level, and then lift the ball out, and then he had to, then they had to cut the tops of his teeth off to pretty much gum level. And then lift the ball out. And then he had to put his teeth back in. Oh my God. That's grim, isn't it? So he put a pool ball in his mouth. It got stuck.

Then they had to basically chop his front top three and bottom three teeth in half and pull it out. Yeah. Oh my God. What a pillock. Mor moral of the story is don't put a pool ball in your mouth because that is that i thought they would have just cut his cheeks but it was caught behind it was caught behind his teeth what cutting his cheeks do so open his mouth your cheeks don't keep your mouth shut like a tent eh? your cheeks aren't what you can't open your mouth as wide as it is

because your cheeks are stopping it your jaw stops it oh you thought your cheeks so you thought if your cheeks weren't if you thought if you cut someone's cheeks their fucking jaw would just hit their chest I just thought you could open it all up

is that real is that true of course it's true it's a jaw yeah so at the back it's like right okay it's the jaw

I didn't I'm not a dentist I thought they'd just give like cut these cheeks like like back in the olden days when they used to cut like what was

it called like a smile thing that horrible the gangster thing Chelsea Smile Chelsea Smile where they used to do that I thought called like a smile thing that horrible the gangster thing Chelsea Smile where they used to do that I thought they might have done that yeah that's not

like you can still only open it's your skeleton that determines how well I'm sorry and the tendons at the side possibly right wow

I mean either way horrendous I know you didn't mean that for terrible scars but would you not rather you'd rather have the teeth out than big scars on your cheeks though you'd rather have your teeth out

you'd just get some veneers yeah I mean I'd rather have neither, but... Okay, I'll tell you why. Don't put a pool ball in your mouth. Do you know what though? I would have done something like that. Yeah.

Well, I think about that, stuff like that all the time. Whenever I see someone doing something really stupid for a laugh, I think, yeah, that could have easily been me. Could they not have cut the pool ball in half

while it was in his mouth and slid half out each? Like with a a with a saw that would have been dangerous imagine if it had slipped yeah I suppose would have took his face off I mean it's not going to slip

it's not gone anyway it's wedged in his teeth innit oh still though that's what if it what if they'd done it and it choked it's making me

anyone listening if you feel the same as me I'm getting like I'm getting slightly panicky at the idea of how horrible it must have been having that ball in his mouth can you imagine that would have been terrifying horrible it must have been having that ball in his mouth for ages. Can you imagine?

That would have been terrifying. His head must have been killing him. Good God. The other one, which I didn't mention, and I'll just briefly, because I did delete it, but it stuck with us. Do you want to know? Come on then, dare. Come on.

Well, it affected us a little bit. I get a bit queasy, even though we do this and this is all we talk about. But she said that there was a young lad who was brushing his teeth but at the same time he was brushing his teeth he was doing press ups

stupid prick and he lost his balance with the press up fell down fell onto the toothbrush and it got stuck in his soft palate oh

sorry I'm sorry told you that's why I deleted it me I know like look I'm not victim blaming Ian I'm sorry told you that's why I deleted it me I know like look I'm not victim blaming Ian

I'm not I hope he's alright but if you're doing press ups while you're brushing your how many press ups do you need to do I'm really sorry

he's so busy I'm really sorry but that is my what are you doing he's just busy with a one armed press ups no I think there were two and I think look I hate to say it Sorry, but that is my... What are you doing? Oh, just do some... Were the one-armed press-ups? No, I think there were two. And I think...

Look, I hate to say it. You're just killing two birds with one stone. I hate to say it, but it serves you right. If you're doing press-ups while you're brushing your teeth, it serves you right. Sorry and all that, mate. On the subject of all this kind of stuff, right? So we were talking the other day

about the lady who got trapped in the freezer a couple of weeks ago. Oh, I've got the next I've got the next installment Jess has been on again bloody love Jess

friend of the show chapter 3 now I mentioned while that happened I don't know if it even got left in the edit but I mentioned that well it must have

because I've got an email so yeah I mentioned that people must sue the reason that you know the reason they couldn't help her

out of the freezer and stuff was because people sued the culture what did you call it? Claim culture. I said it was claim culture.

I've had an email here. I found this the other day when I was looking through the questions. Just for something to do. I'm going to read this to you. Hi guys, huge fan of the podcast. You mentioned you hadn't heard much from the insurance industry, so I thought I'd help you out on that one. Don't post my surname if you use these because I kind of like having a job.

I work as an underwriter for a major UK insurance company and have a few stories from the claim team. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So here we go. A well-known central London hotel put in a claim for, quote, accidental damage by a guest. Usually this would mean someone breaking the bed or dropping wine on the carpet. But I'll be honest, I had to take a double take when i read the reason for the claim was projectile diarrhea

clearly i had to find out more so i read the claim file which in far too much detail including photos told the story of how a guest entered the hotel with food poisoning and acted as a human sprinkler system in their room as this of course is a hazardous is a hazardous situation a specialist contractor had to be called as the hotel staff quite rightly refused to clean it up all of the furniture and carpets had to be fully repaired and the room totally redecorated after decontamination now this is the fun bit this is the fun bit that makes this really, really fun. What do you think, Rosie,

was the cost to the insurance company? What do you mean? What did they have to pay out? What was the cost of all of that? How much did the insurance company pay to the hotel for that? So what, to fix the room? So how much did that cost them?

Ah, a thousand pound. 27,000 pounds. Shut up. Imagine a 27. Shut up. It's a 27,000 pounds. Shut up. Imagine a twin. Shut up. It's a 27,000 pound diarrhea. What hotel was this? He's not going to tell us.

My question is, I've got a couple of questions. Come on then. Okay. Right. Why was this person not having explosive diarrhea on the toilet?

Yeah. Okay. I'd agree. Why is this person got no clothes on? Yeah. Why wasn't the diarrhea staying in their pants yeah how explosive can your diary be 27 000 pounds worth 27 grand unbelievable that why can i just see someone bent over yeah spinning around

break dancing legs over their heads spinning round just just oh the worst hey Chris and Rosie I have a friend of a friend oh here we go

I know this is why urban legend much this is why I don't think it's true we'll see I'll be the judge of this but anyway

I'm a skeptic I know I have a friend of a friend who slightly misunderstood the concept of sex being newlyweds they were talking to someone about how the sex was going I know. I have a friend of a friend who slightly misunderstood the concept of sex. Being newlyweds, they were talking to someone about how the sex was going. Bearing in mind this was two virgins,

and the guy in question commented that the first bit is good, but the second bit is a bit painful. Obviously, the guy they were talking to was pretty confused about the second bit of sex, so asked what he meant, to which he responds he responds you know when you put the balls in this is bullshit do you know why i know it's bollocks before you even said that bit but i'll let you carry on you're all right mate yeah yeah how's it going yeah he just got married yeah yeah Do you know why I know it's bollocks? Before you even said that bit, but I'll let you carry on. Okay. In what way? You all right, mate? Yeah, yeah.

How's it going? Yeah, he just got married. Yeah, yeah. How's the sex going? Thanks for asking. The first bit's good. Okay, yeah. The second bit's not good.

Ooh, second bit. I'm sorry. Hey, Steve. I've just talked to this fella here. He just got married. Oh, he just got married. How's the sex? No, I asked him.

Yeah, I asked him. He says the second bit's not good. What could he mean? Bullshit. I had something similar in one of my old stand-up routines because i knew someone at school but me and me mate between we knew people at school it was three people um one of them said you had to put your balls in as well is that why that sounds familiar to me so i've done it in stand-up before right so it is a thing that some people, I don't know about newlyweds,

I think you would know by the time you are bloody married, but I know kids at school, when they don't know about sex, a mate of mine's friend, a mate of mine at school, his mate thought you had to put your balls in as well. Oh my goodness. A mate of mine at school,

apparently, everyone said it, when he put a condom on for the first time, he put his balls in the condom as well. Thought you had to put your balls in the condom, which, I mean, God, that would have been snug, right? Goodness me! And someone else thought that to have a baby, to have a baby,

you had to have sex until one of your pubes fell off. What? To get pregnant? Yeah, yeah. So to get pregnant, you had to have sex until one of your pubes fell off. What? To get pregnant? Yeah, yeah. So to get pregnant, you had to have sex until one of your pubes fell off and then if your pube fell off,

they got pregnant. Like some kind of Beauty and the Beast, you know, the petals falling off the flower. Some kind of vile version of that. You're having a baby. Check the bed.

Have you found a pube? Yeah, yay! Congratulations! Oh, to be young to be young right Jess is back back again Jess is back

friend of the show Jess hey team chapter three for you as I said feel free to get rid of it if it's too far I think I've lost my boundary of what is acceptable doing this job, but here goes anyway.

Welcome to the club, mate. Christ. I'll tell you what. We honestly, we don't have normal conversations anymore. I know. A call came through at the police and then onto us. A chap had asked them if they could try and gain entry to his neighbour's flat above. This neighbour is known to go away for months at a time

and the chap was worried that he has a leaky pipe. There's been a few drips coming through to his neighbour's flat above. This neighbour is known to go away for months at a time and the chap is worried that he has a leaky pipe. There's been a few drips coming through to his flat and he's been unable to gain entry to go and check. The police break into the flat to go and find out what had been going on and sadly find the neighbour who had passed away a number of weeks ago. Often happens. It does. Then came the time to break the news to the guy below.

They went back down and explained that unfortunately his neighbour had passed on. He initially took it very well and then shortly after asked, not to sound heartless, but is there any chance we could turn off the water so it stops dripping through until it can get fixed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. With a few awkward glances and nobody wanting to be the one to break it to him, we alerted him to the fact that actually the dripping through his ceiling was not a pipe leaking, but actually part of the natural decomposition process. And the dripping was coming from the body that was laid directly above what he thought was the leak.

Oh my God! You ready? There's more? Yeah. Right. The neighbour immediately projectile vomited

and again and again. He didn't stop vomiting for a very long time. Now, we realise in our field of work we become very desensitised and I get it.

It is gross and shocking but honestly the amount of vomit from him was beyond excessive. I have never known someone have such a strong physical reaction to news like that. He's been fucking making tea with it or something. After about half an hour of frantic pacing, heaving and eye-watering chunders, he had nothing left in him. We were suspicious that this reaction is just a bit too extreme for normal grief, especially as it was just his neighbour.

Once he calmed down, he was asked if he was okay, at which point he looked us deadpan in the eye and just said three haunting words. I licked it. Oh! Fucking

good! Oh god! Jess! oh god jess jess you should go into writing oh no um the man had previously for an unknown unknown reason what are you doing he'd seen a drip wiped it up with his finger smelled it and licked it

oh god and to Jess's body he had technically unknowingly eaten his dead Jesus

Jess Jess you've licked a Stephen King oh my god that is absolutely

incredible why would you lick it why would you lick it smell it I can understand if you'd smell it

I smell and taste stuff all the time you wouldn't lick a leak from your ceiling would you I'd find a mark on my jumper and I'd lick it

oh no you wouldn't Rosie I picked up something i was in the corridor the other day in front of our house and i picked up what i thought was a poppadom a bit of poppadom because we're just right i picked it up i threw it in my mouth no it was poppadom but as i did it i was like i probably should have done that because that might not the lights weren't on fully i just assumed it was poppadom and i picked it up and put it in my mouth why i don't know and this is i i can i feel his pain i feel his pain i licked it fuck he licked it he licked the leaf which was flesh pure liquid flesh coming through the ceiling oh my goodness that is jess thank you done it again. Thank you, Jess. It's time for this week's celebrity question.

There isn't though, is it? No, it's not because there isn't one. I'm going to be honest with you guys. We've ran out of celebrities. Got no more mates. Yeah. It's kind of everyone who we know has done them and then anyone who hasn't.

People do get back to them, but you don't like pressuring people and asking them all the time we've said we'll flog what plug whatever they've got going on but it's um it's a little bit of a bone of contention with me though because um you did a dancing program recently yeah with 11 other celebrities there's definitely 14 other celebrities wow yeah there's more more didn't get hardly any questions at all

do you know how busy we were do you know how busy we were it's crazy people are losing weight left right and centre people are passing out

people are at physiotherapy and I'm sticking a phone in their face going ask me me wife a question oh no not that one we've done that one unbelievable

people keep asking the questions bless them so many celebs go oh great what do you want us to ask you and I'm like

oh I don't know just ask a question and they're like well what about ask you and I'm like oh I don't know like just ask a question and they're like well what about this one and I'm like someone's already asked for that like

you know it's a lot of pressure to put on people who aren't getting paid maybe we must get a real lucrative sponsor we can slip someone a fiver or something

asking a question buy them a coffee hey like Tupperware want a question want some free Tupperware listen so celebrity question

is on pause until we get one until we get a really good one yeah we've got one in the pipeline that's on its way but it's taking a while we'll get some good ones

don't worry I'll be back but we still need to do the recorded questions which ones just if somebody if you want to send in

a question do it on a voice note and email it that might be nice alright then shoutbrowninord at gmail.com instead of

celebrity question let's change it now it'll be question from the public voiced the voice the voice you care from the public

question just send it in see if you can be bothered don't ramble on but then they can't be anonymous then you can't be anonymous good point oh bollocks to it

could put on a voice look I think we can both agree I am enough celebrity for this podcast. Great, wow. We don't need any more celebrity questions.

Chris Ramsey is a big enough name to carry this bad lad all on his own. Huh? Got nothing to say to that. Your chair's not in Nando's anymore. Don't know who you think you are. I'll get one back in there.

If you see us walking into Nando's with a chair, just look the other way. I'm busy. Another podcast down. Thank you again so, so much for listening. From the bottom of our hearts, we love doing this. We love that you listen every week.

Keep getting in touch on Instagram, Twitter, all of the other stuff. Yes, thank you very much. Shagmarrydonald at gmail.com if you want to get in touch. Like and rate and subscribe and all of that gear. And yeah, thank you very much shagmarry on gmail.com if you want to get in touch like and rate and subscribe and all of that gear and yeah thank you we're really are genuinely over the moon to be nominated

for a big proper award we're going to go to the ceremony to the awards at the palladium oh we're nominated for a global award as well global award as well

oh you can vote for that one shit you can vote I knew I'd forgot something you can vote for the global one go on global awards on best podcast you can vote

for us that would be nice thank you thank you very much guys have a wonderful week or day or whatever it is you're doing big love bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking

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