Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 50. Billy’s Egg Trick

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

Fifty episodes in and the Ramsey's are still delivering the beef! There's some book chat and another of Barry's family members gets in touch. Question's from the public involve hedgehogs, placentas and frozen meals. Enjoy all of this and more, including the return of 'Let's talk about S**t'. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marianoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who just told me off for being in a good mood. I didn't tell you off for being in a good mood.

You started shouting and screaming and jumping around like you normally do before we do the podcast because you get dead excited, right? Because it used to be your only job, but now you've got two. And sometimes... Happy to be in work. You literally said... Bad time. I went, Rosie, I had my headphones on.

I was trying to sort the laptop out and you're just screaming and shouting. At one point you were shouting, you want to fuck with me? You want to fuck with me? For no reason. And I've got the headphones on and you're screaming it down the mic. And then you went,

why am I not allowed to be in a good mood? I said, you're allowed to be in a good mood just when your good mood doesn't make my good mood bad. You know, it's give and take, mate. That would be funny,

but you want to fuck with me? Honestly, it's give and take, mate. Not being funny, but you wanna fuck with me? Honestly. Sick of it. Guys, it is episode, and I don't know if you're aware of this, Rosie, but it is episode 50! It's episode 50, wow. This is our 50th podcast. Thank you so

much for listening, if you still are. Welcome, if you're just listening, why not go back? Hey, you've got 49 to catch up on. Enjoy. And before we start, 50 episodes, and I've got to say we've finally got a sponsor, a lucrative sponsor. Have we, though?

Have we? We do indeed. This week's, I mean, they've always been sponsors. I don't know why I'm saying that. They're all real. This week's sponsor is a full-cooked chicken. Oh. I do love a full-cooked chicken. A gift that chicken. Oh. I do love a full cooked chicken.

A gift that keeps on giving. Get that bad lad cooked. Get it basted. Get it out. Let it cool. Maybe have that skin off the top first. Get that skin off. Nice.

Carve it up for the family. Who wants a leg? You? You have one. Who wants a wing? You have one. Oh, is there stuffing inside? There might be.

There might not be. It might just be a manky bum hole. You might just glance and think it's stuffing, like you did yesterday. Then keep some, put it in the fridge. Sandwiches the next day. Oh, pick it all night for the family. Bring people together.

Full roast chickens. Not being funny, but you're upsetting the vegetarians. Listen, adverts on for everyone. They're not. No, that's true. Yeah. I saw an advert for a shitty, stupid Hatchimal thing this morning that was on the telly.

I'm not going to buy that. I just ignored it. Yeah. If you're not a vegetarian, ignore it. Good for you. Just ignore it. I love the bit underneath the chicken. I think we've talked about this before.

You're horrible, yeah. You actually said yesterday, you said yesterday, you don't want to get the weight roast chicken anymore because it's too good and there's no manky bits. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm living with, guys. That's what I'm living with.

It was too posh. It's literally like being with Top Cat and his mates in a back lane. I love Top Cat. He's a little fish. Eating fish bones

out of bins. That would be me. Happily. Yes. Gladly. Have we done that? Yeah. Are we ready to go?

I've had it in a way I am. Look at that. You get one other job and you forgot. So busy. Yeah, yeah. So busy. You've got a little line here, which normally goes, here's the jingle.

Right, here's the jingle. Brilliant, well done. A jangle, jingle, jingle, jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap.

Jingle! Hello, bonjourno and welcome back to our podcast. Thanks for coming back. Thank you for listening. We, oh, you're looking at as like a little puppy did you want to say something no I'm just waiting for you to talk

oh bated breath that's what I like that's what I like to say Chris I'm so excited yeah so been a really busy week this week we announced the book

on last Friday we just can't thank you all enough it got a number two bestseller in all books on Amazon the day it came out we're not sure

whether we're going to end up doing in-store signings or not we'll keep you informed on that we really don't know scheduling wise but wow i mean thank you thank you yeah terrifying considering it's not written am i right yeah the pressure is on like scary waking up at three o'clock in the morning going oh i've got to finish that book that people have already bought this has been this has been my life for ages though i put tours on sale people message me going and they're saying this tour was the strangest one because people what i don't know the venues were just on it and they were sending the

tickets to people and people are sending us photos going i've got me tickets for your turn they've physically got them the money's left their bank and i haven't written a fucking joke i have now don't worry i've written some now but yeah it's it's a terrifying feeling i feel like i am i've got homework for the i feel like i'm going to school the next day and i haven't done my homework yeah see it's nothing next day for me for me i feel like it's i feel like it's sunday morning and it's looming and everyone i i feel like i've got mates even though i don't i feel like i've got mates who did it on friday and I'm jealous of them yeah yeah it's a bit strange but so the book comes out in September but we have to have it done a long time before that yeah end of April I think yeah so it's uh but it's good it's really good we're really enjoying it and we hope that you like it a lot of people have been asking what the book is about and it's

basically it's exactly like the podcast yeah um it's answering questions it's kind of talking we give a little bit of advice don't we yeah we'll go a bit more in depth in a way that we don't do in the podcast really we'll go a lot more in depth about personal stories um we've got uh again obviously questions from the public um and it's uh it's really fun to do it is really fun nothing's repeated there's no there's no that's yeah there's no transcript from the podcast you're not going to buy the book and have like stuff you've already heard we We might reference things that you've already heard, possibly. Just to probably just to slag something off or make something even more disgusting.

I don't know. You know what the hard thing is, though? 50 weeks we've been doing this now. I can't remember some of the stuff we've talked about. I genuinely don't know if I've advertised whole roast chickens before. I might have done. I really don't know. I checked the bank for the money,

but there's nothing there, Chris. Check the fridge for the chicken. True, true, true. Idiot. Touché. So that's what we've been up to. We've just been writing the book in the office. We have.

Rosie has yet to have a meal outside of the office yet. Still, still, I'll desk go. They get more and more stinky and disgusting. Do you know what? I genuinely had a nightmare the other day that I was having to eat one of your Roma Perron things. You know, them disgusting fish that you know what? I genuinely had a nightmare the other day that I was having to eat one of your raw mawperrin things. You know, them disgusting fish that you get.

Don't slag them off. I honestly had a nightmare that I was eating one. It was actually... Did you actually have a nightmare? I woke up in cold sweats. It's just coming back to us now as I'm thinking about it, yeah. Like, I had to eat it

and something was happening. It was, oh, God. I mean, I would love it if you did eat that and we could eat it together. Maybe it's on a little slice of toast or something. Oh, God! That would be lovely, wouldn't it? What do you mean on a slice of toast? Just me and you eating a little raw mawper together. But you don't eat it on a slice of toast. You eat it's on a little slice of toast or something oh god that would be lovely wouldn't you mean on a slice of toast you eating a little more you don't eat on a slice to it you eat on

just on a plate with all its oils on it and that it's actually vinegar like pickled right oh god very nice did i ever tell you about the time um my dad does it now and then i haven't seen him do it for ages obviously i'm never at my mom and dad's house for breakfast these days but when i used to stay over if i live when i lived away i've seen my dad on multiple occasions eat a fried egg off a small side plate with no cutlery just with his hands just his mouth he just talks the plate yeah yeah no like my mom always shouts at him oh no that's ridiculous so what he used to do sorry so what he used to do is he'd make himself a bacon sarnie right and so he'd have two slices of bread, he'd have the bacon, and he would do two fried eggs.

Right. And he would have one in the sandwich, and the other one he would just have on a plate. Imagine a saucer that's almost exactly the same size as the fried egg. Right, okay, so a little saucer. Yeah, and he would just, runny yolk as well. Runny yolk. And he would literally just have the plate and just hold it up his mouth,

almost like he was doing an oyster, but an oyster but an egg a fried egg but he'd like bite bits off at a time like a seal yeah yeah then let it flop yeah like a cat yeah it's disgusting that's awful yeah man would always shout out use a knife and fork bill use your hands why not use your hands at least oh i didn't want to get his hands dirty unbelievable i've seen him do it multiple times but the worst bit was when he got to the yoke, it would start being like... Like when he got to the runny yoke, he'd start sucking it up.

I'm gutted I've never seen that. I'm gutted I've never seen that. I know, but... I mean, we've been on holiday together. He must have reined it in when I've been there. Yeah, he probably does. He must have thought, I'm not going to let us see you

licking this egg off this plate. Fried egg for late and glory. I'm gutted. I might ask him next time. Bill, will you do that egg trick for us, please? Trick? Gather round, kids, gather round. Do you want to see your mana? Do you want to see your egg disappear along with me dignity?

Here you go. It's time for Watcha Beef Hello Oh Hello, is that Christopher Ramsey? Hello Hello, is that Christopher Ramsey? It is

Oh, hello there It's Rebecca Beef here But I get called Becky for short Of course you do Hello, Becky I've been meaning to ring you You might know me I'm Barry's sister

Right, okay Just been meaning to ring you for You might know me. I'm Barry's sister. Right, okay. Just been meaning to ring you for a while because my mum had told me that Rosie hasn't been in touch yet. Right. And Barry's really worried about her. Right, okay. Just, like, I know that you're married, but Barry is so concerned that she hasn't got in touch

because it's just not like her. Right. And then he thought, like, something was going on with you two and maybe he thought he wanted to just get involved. So he thought something was going on with me and my wife? He's just really worried about her. There's definitely something going on with me and my wife, I'll tell you right now.

Sorry, Becky, I'm just wondering, is it Wales or Liverpool that you're from? Because I can't quite place it. Well... So I was born in Newcastle. It's fucking tragic come on keep going stop it stop it

stop it I've been practising back and in so I was born in Newcastle and then I moved to Wales and then I moved to Wales, and then I moved to Liverpool after that. Because me and Barry, we are twins, actually. But there's like 15 years between us. But we are identical.

So let's get this straight. So your mum, it's Brenda, isn't it? Brenda Beef? Belinda. Belinda, sorry. So your mum, it's Brenda, isn't it? Brenda Beef? Belinda. Belinda, sorry. So your mum had Barry. Yes. And then you stayed inside.

I was in there for 15 years. I swear to God. She was huge for 15 years. They thought she had a tumour, but it was me. I was a baby in her tummy. So when I was born baby in her tummy. So when I was born, and then we all moved to Wales, but they kept their accent.

But obviously because I was young and impressionable, I picked it up. And then I moved. You were 15, but carry on. I moved to Liverpool, and I've lived there ever since. But I'm thinking of going back to Newcastle, because I just love it. Right.

You know what I mean? I do. And Barry's really ill, so I need to be there for because I just love it. Right. You know what I mean? I do. And Barry's really ill so I need to be there for him. There we go, we're back on the narrative. I don't know why

you're laughing at me if I'm not nice. You think it's funny. It's not. What exactly is wrong with Barry, do we know? The big C.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Cataracts. Oh, God. He's absolutely available with cataracts he's absolutely a rebel good save with cataracts Jesus Christ right well

I'll make sure Rosie gets in touch that's why he wants Rosie to go because he can't see her anymore but he wants to feel her just for one last time

right okay okay this is getting okay that's all he wants Chris it's getting weird now listen just get it

get it to give him a ring right alright I really appreciate it as a side note first listeners first time listeners That's all he wants Chris It's getting weird now Listen Just get it Get it to give him a ring Right Alright I really appreciate it As a side note First listeners First time listeners You're going to have to go

About 20 podcasts back For to make any sense Of this absolute Fucking garbage To be fair Am I alright to go Yes yes bye Thank you

Get Rosie to ring him Okay Okay I will do Alright big love Am I seeing you In the tune Right You definitely won't

Cheers Chris bye Cheers Chris Hello Rosie Where have you been Am I saying it in the tune? Right, no. You definitely won't. Cheese, Chris. Bye. Cheese, Chris. Hello, Rosie. Where have you been? Who the hell was that? Oh, God knows. Who was it? Oh, it was an amalgamation

of three very poorly practiced accents. Yeah. I thought Brookside was back. So. I mean, I think that's probably my beef to be fair. Keep springing these on us. I don't know what you're talking about. Ladies first, what's your beef?

My beef this week is, you bought me, and I'm really grateful, right? Just want to put that out there first. You bought me a brand new laptop for Christmas. What a beef. Because- What a beef that is.

Listen, you brought me a new laptop because we're writing the book and you were proud of us and you were like, right, there you go. New laptop to write your book on. Bloody blah. Our book, sorry. Keep calling it my book. I need to stop. Yeah, great. Our book.

Do you remember, you used to fall out with me for hours when I said my house about my house but that was actually my house at the time um you weren't on the mortgage but now you will see my office my book my podcast and all the time you'll see my house well excuse me you've created a monster do you mean your letters in taking over um what was i saying yeah so you bought me a laptop i'm so grateful i love it but you get annoyed at me when i don't like buzz off it right do you know what i mean though you're showing us all the stuff and you're like do you love it and i'm like yeah it's great and you're like but do you love it yeah how much do you love it and i'm like it's a piece of technology i don't really give a shit that much you don't i

know it's really upsetting honestly like you would honestly really give a shit that much I know you don't I know it's really upsetting honestly like you would honestly if I'd given you one of them VTech

fucking my first my first word processor things you'd probably still you'd be happy with that you know what it is I'm quite easy going

in that department absolute waste of money so that it's just pissed me off a bit that you're getting really annoyed at how much I'm not buzzing up

but you do a lot of loads of stuff yeah you do it anytime anything technical like you do though don't you you know what you do you're like is that mint are you loving that are you loving that and i'm like it's a flash drive we're sitting in the in the office i set it up for you today you know what my you know my beef with you is that um i got you for christmas and what's the date today? We're in February, the beginning of February. It just took you that long. I went to set it up for you.

Just after Christmas, I went to set it up for you, and you were like, oh, I can't be bothered. Because it takes so long. Literally took 10 minutes. Everything takes so long, and you know what frustrates us? It's like, oh, is this your password? Oh, make sure it's on this device. Pass everything over to this. Oh, but this is wrong.

You need to do it. Just, you know what I love? Do you know what I used to love? What? A SIM card. Just a SIM card. You'd put that SIM card in your other phone

and it would just be there. I hate the cloud. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate it all. It really actually gets us a little bit stressed out. I hate that.

But you love it. You're like, it's all on there. I've got my password and I know where everything is and look how tidy my desktop is. I hate it. I hate it my password. I know where everything is. And look how tidy my desktop is. I hate it.

I hate it, man. Until you organized your desktop, it was absolutely, it was a fucking war zone, your desktop. It was disgusting. I don't care enough. Like, I just, I really don't like that. Your desktop looked like a room that had been raided by the police. That's how horrible your desktop was. Can I just say, I just set that up for you today.

And I turned around at one point and you were drinking a cup of coffee directly over your brand new laptop. Oh, see? I swear to God. See what I mean? I nearly came across the office and knocked the coffee out of your hand. It would have went on the laptop. I would have knocked it the other way, wouldn't I? So it went up there and went on my blinds and my leg lost some of my flow.

Why? See, look, just keep in your own lane. What, are you getting bothered about me or my stuff? You shouldn't, this is the thing, right? If you're going to give someone a present, you give them the present and then that's it. You can't then start dictating how they use that present. I don't want it anymore.

I'm trying to save you from yourself. Take it away. All right, I'll have it. Seriously. Thank you. Honestly, bring back me other laptop. You got the questions? She was called Eleanor.

Eleanor? And she wasn't one of them. She literally was. Windows 95. Oh, right, you're talking about your old laptop. Yes, that's what I want. The one that me and you used to watch Love Film on at your house back in the day

when we first started going out. Love Film. And we couldn't put it flat on a surface because it overheated too much. That one. That laptop. I loved her. Loved her so much.

Riddled it was. She was £300 from Curry's and it cost me a bloody fortune and I loved it. Honestly, didn't have to bloody put data from the fucking cloud on that, did I? No, it was there. You don't know what you're angry at. I don't, but I hate it, man. Oh, hey.

Right, anyway. You know, I was in such a nice mood. It's something that I get really frustrated about. I just want a phone number. I want one email and that's all I want. I just want a phone number. I want one email. And that's all I want. I don't want backup things. I don't want...

I just don't want it all. I don't want it. Could I interest you in possibly a carrier pigeon? Yes. Yeah? Would you enjoy that? Mm-hmm. A little something, a little thing we can just write a little note on.

And someone else comes and wipes it off and... I love notes. I love writing. I love post-its and that post-it notes I love them I'll have them everywhere

you are a 75 year old woman I am and I look great for 75 exactly can I have it back now because I need to fill the questions

oh hey man yeah man light sleek look at that beautiful yeah open it up

go on type your password in because you haven't been asked to set your fingerprint up, you lazy fucking luddite. A fingerprint. What if I've got me gloves on? Piece of shit.

What are you doing in your lab to get your gloves on? Shut up. It's cool. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Public.

So with us writing the book currently, I have been going through all of the questions and there's so many good questions that we've missed. Trolling them. Trolling. So we're going to spend a bit longer on the podcast now for the questions because we think you might be a bit sick

of just hearing us talk and these are so much more interesting. We have been inundated with requests for Let's Talk About Shit. So there's one of them coming. We're bringing it back for one week. Very astute listeners realise that there hasn't been one for a couple of weeks. And you need your dose

of filth. You do need your dose of filth. So there's one on its way. The reason why we haven't really done the Let's Talk About Shit for a little, for like three weeks? Let's be honest. Is it the three weeks? It's something like three weeks, yeah. It's because we've been nominated for an ARIA and we're it's something like three weeks yeah it's because we'll be nominated for an

aria and we're scared that we're too dirty no is that why you nominated for an aria we're scared we're too dirty and your mum told you you swear too much

well yeah my mum told us I swore too much but that's not why but it was more so for me because we talked about like the phlegm and then it was like the licking

and that of the wall and I just thought it's a bit much you know what I mean listen we are the victims here this is what people send to us this is what we are mainly the messenger don't shoot the messenger guys we're we're actually quite classy like i'm not being funny we went to a michelin star restaurant

last week didn't we oh actually i i wrote my now you've brought that up i can write my i had a beef that i wasn't going to say because i didn't want to mention we'll be at a michelin star restaurant but i can actually mention this so yes rosie says we're classy when i did go to mission star restaurant i've literally got it written me notes here you were not it's not what you beat no no bringing it back you were in a posh restaurant and you said to the waiter walking from someone else's table to the kitchen loudly are they not eating their cod roe you literally said that to a waiter in a Michelin star restaurant so like can you remember

you're about four wines in and you literally shouted are they not eating their cod roe and I was mortified and I wrote it straight into my phone I know but I would have

ate it that's why we're not classy okay fair enough but you can't believe in stuff you can't not fish stuff

should we give them a shout it's a house of tides in Newcastle house of tides Newcastle give them a little shout out Kenny Atkinson's it's absolutely awesome give it a go if you can it's Not fish stuff. Should we give them a shout out? It's House of Tides in Newcastle. House of Tides in Newcastle. Give them a little shout out. Kenny Atkinson's. It's absolutely awesome.

Give it a go if you can. It's not a pop in for some food. It's an occasion. Yeah. Don't be going in and expecting, you know, don't pizza oven us all over again. Expensive. It's expensive, but we don't go for fucking lunch. You know, it's a night out, isn't it?

Absolutely. That's what I'm trying to say. Anyway, if you want to get in touch touch it's shagmoundingordy at gmail.com send us your thoughts your dreams your hopes your poo stories

your wee stories all kinds of bodily fluid stories god get them in there the more bodily fluid the better that's what I'll say okay hi Chris and Rosie

me and my boyfriend have been have just been listening to episode 8 wow I went back I really went back where you were discussing the reason behind choosing your little boy's name.

And they've said they also have a little girl who's called Robin, but with a Y. Got you. Lucy, ours is with an I. The reason for my email is, after hearing that Rosie only married you, Chris, for your surname and her crazy alliteration fetish. It wasn't the only reason, but, you know, lovely. It was the main factor factor but there was other like money

success thought I knew I could see the book on the horizon do you know what I mean my boyfriend turned to me and shouted if we got married

your name would be hilarious so his name is Ben Kelly and my name is Kelly fantastic Kelly Kelly fantastic oh that's amazing Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly what's your name sorry what's your name name Kelly say the name Kelly Kelly sorry what was that Mrs. Kelly yes

Mrs. Kelly what Kelly Kelly oh great oh god check into a hotel and film it for her so

question is do you think she should turn down a proposal of marriage based on someone's surname I mean do we know her surname because she could hyphenate it she hasn't said is do you think she should turn down a proposal of marriage based on someone's surname i mean do we know her surname because she could hyphenate it she hasn't said she hasn't said no well it's obviously not a very good surname she hasn't even put it on her email telly telly kelly telly

no you don't have to take their name though you don't have to not at all no i wouldn't i mean it's against god if you don't and you don't get it in heaven, but fair enough. Oh, shut up. I've got a cute straight face. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I have a story for you that even 18 years later still makes me feel like my skin is crawling. Fantastic. A long time ago now, I worked in a well-known optician's somewhere in the northeast. Ooh. Vague, and I like it.

My job was helping the contact lens optician with his appointments and showing people how to put their contact lenses in. Ooh. Ooh, very eye-based. Yeah, extremely. A lot of people get squeamish about eyes. I know. Yuck.

Come on, then. Okay, sorry. It wasn't the best job, but there was a bonus in that every now and then, we'd get a nice looking guy in to chat to and sometimes have a little flirt with. That's such a weird perk of a job. So strange. Sometimes an attractive person comes in.

Oh, he's fit. Can I put my finger in his eyes? Little eye perv. I'm going to touch your eyeball. I love you. One day, a really lovely looking lad came in and he was having some really flirty banter with us all oh hey get a life go on lasses he was telling us his eyes were really hurting him and he was needing to get them checked out got you well his appointment came around and in he

went with the optician Five minutes later The door slammed open And this guy literally Legged it out of the room And passed us out of the building It turned out That he'd been having Some really itchy problems

Because Attached to his eyelashes Were crabs Oh Wow Wow were crabs. Oh! Wow! Wow! No joking at all.

He had pubic lice in his eyes. Oh my God! For sure. The optician said he could only have got it from spending a bit of time down south with a lady, which he then admitted to the optician wasn't his actual girlfriend but another

lady. He's too good looking isn't he? He's a player. He's a prick. He's a little prick with crabs on his eyelashes. That's terrible. Sorry how stupid do you have to be to go oh eyes are a bit itchy I must have to go to the opticians not oh I've got you know some kind of something wrong with the hair or i totally didn't know about the time i've

told the story i'm sure i've told the story about the gum clinic guy who had no eyebrows he had no eyebrows and i realized he shaved every bit of hair on his oh yeah yeah yeah i can't i'm sure he still had eyelashes i doubt he'd cut his eyelashes but i mean he got crab in his eye his eyebrows eyebrows and hair and everything so i, how do you get it in your eyelashes? Well, because it's hair, isn't it? That's terrifying. I mean, that's terrifying. I wonder if he could see them crawling on his eyelashes.

Oh, no. Out the corner of his eye, just like, oh. Swinging across them like Tarzan. He had to go home and tell his girlfriend that he had crabs on his eyelids and where he got it from. I'd be like, been down the rock pools, babe, got crabs. He learned how to surf.

Imagine. That's honestly, that's really, really horrible. Not nice at all, is it? Wow. How long you got to have crabs on there for? I mean, how would you get? Right. Yeah.

What was he doing down there? What is your method to get them? Get them on his eyes. What were you doing? Headbutting it? Faceplant. Faceplant. Imagine Cunny Linguard and someone just sticks their eye in your vag.

What were you doing looking inside for secrets? Like a telescope. It's not a pair of binoculars, sunshine. So you're not going to, no kaleidoscope in there, babes. I'm going to say now. Hello, this is the advert of this podcast. And because it's our podcast, we are doing it for ourselves. If you would like to pre-order a signed copy of our book,

Shag, Married and Annoyed, the book, then you can do that because we sold out of the signed copies, but we've decided to do some more. So go to WHSmith or Waterstones and get yourself a signed copy of our book. The links are on our social medias. Also, we are up for a global award. We have been shortlisted for said global award,

which we really can't believe, to be honest. So if you would like to vote for that again Also, we are up for a global award. We have been shortlisted for said global award, which we really can't believe, to be honest. So if you would like to vote for that again and let us take a global award home for our new shared office, we would really appreciate that as well. Go to globalawards.com. Thank you for listening. That was me doing the tune, did you believe it? That was actually all right.

I'm so proud of myself. Me. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together,

they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st,

people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday,

you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hi Chris and Rosie. Hello. I was told a horrific story by a few colleagues and I now have to hear your take on it.

We have a dining room at work with vending machines that have ready meals in. A bit weird, isn't it? They've got ready meals in the vending machine. Oh, I don't like that at all. You're going to hate this next bit. You are not going to enjoy this at all. Okay.

One girl who I work with proceeded to get a lasagna out of it. Oh, some people. Oh, Jesus. What? I don't know what's funny yet. I'll tell you what's funny's funny yet i'll tell you what's funny right i'll tell you what's funny um there's just a random vending machine with ready meals in right yeah we had lasagna last night right it was beautiful but it stinks it's the people who will just oh i'll just cook a lasagna in the office because fuck everyone else i would have a lasagna in the office yeah you're exactly one of them people. Surprised you haven't got bloody crabs in your eyelashes.

Wow. I see. The whole office food thing doesn't bother me, like I've said. Honestly, I've worked in offices where people have had curry the next day and I'm getting, wow, like I could eat a curry. Good God. I love it, mate. I love a little, love a food smell while I'm at work.

A mate of mine told me that someone brought in kebab, chips, garlic sauce from the night before on the night out and heated it up at their office. No.

That's bad. That's pretty bad. That's really bad, isn't it? I think anyone who can eat kebab during the day, strong cold sober, needs to have a word with themselves.

I genuinely once, me, back in the day when I was at college, me, Carlutchinson and all the rest of the lads who were knocked around with went to one of the lads houses who we used to go to all the time yeah he had a big house uh he didn't work he had loads of money like just you know bit spoiled but a nice man and dad well off yeah and he had it was mad like he stepped out had like every dvd he had one of them dvd subscriptions so every time a new dvd came

out he just got sent it. He was the first person to have a DVD player. So basically, we used to pile in his house all the time, is what I'm saying. Okay. One of the lads once... I can't remember. I can't believe I'm just remembering this now.

One of the lads once had a ready-made, frozen, microwavable doner kebab. Yeah, they sell them in the freezer shops? I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Oh, yeah, yeah, fully blown. During the day. It was, honestly, it must have been Thursday afternoon. Wow.

And he microwaved a doner kebab. That's grim, isn't it? And he ate it. Yeah. I would love to know the, you know, the traffic lights on the front, the red, green, I bet it was all just dark red, black. Salty as ouch.

Oh, my God. It fucking stunk. It smelled so bad. See, drunk, it's amazing. Kebab is like beautiful, but so bad. I just think, I can't. The time frame, the window of time between me taking the first bite of a bit of kebab and hating myself is so fucking short.

Like it's instantaneously. I pick up the second bit and I hate myself immediately. Oh, God. Do you know they used to have kebab in my school canteen? Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. Just like, let's have a kebab for lunch with chips. Honestly. Thank you, Jamie Oliver.

Thank you so much. Yes, mate. Horrific. Okay, so the girl proceeded to get a lasagna. From the vending machine. One girl who I Proceeded to get a lasagna From the vending machine One girl who I work with Proceeded to get a lasagna Out of it

And just opened it up And started to wolf it down Without zapping it In the microwave Shut the No Honest to god No

She ate an un-microwaved Lasagna Oh god Is that Will that make you poorly Is it cooked? Oh, Jesus. Well, I think it's obviously cooked

because you couldn't, a microwave couldn't cook the raw, you couldn't basically, A, I don't think a microwave could cook it in that amount of time, the three minutes or the two minutes. It's just heating it up. But you couldn't make,

so they obviously make a lasagna, they make it in the factory and then they chop it all up and they put it in little separate things. So you couldn't make a lasagna with raw make it in the factory and then they chop it all up and they put it in little separate things. So you couldn't make a lasagna with raw mince. So it will be cooked, but it will be freezing cold or chilled. Imagine having it just not...

Like the cheese on top wouldn't be like... Well, no, it'll be that like bechamel. It'll be like a yoghurt. Rosie, it'll have been like a beef gatto. I love gatto. Fuckers. Not beef. I love beef beef but no not in an absolutely minging layered it'll be like a cold lasagna cake wouldn't have been pleasurable but the question is so my question to you is what do you think would be the most repulsive ready meal to eat without microwaving it first that's a banging question i'm to put that doner kebab I said up there in the mix.

Without microwaving it. So just like cold frozen doner kebab. Well, if it wasn't frozen, if it was just chilled. Yeah. Imagine. But I imagine. I mean, I know for a fact it was frozen. He's put some suggestions here.

Oh, God. How are they? Like he's bang on. Right. Right. I think it's a man. I've just assumed it's a man. Oh, I don't know. It could be a man or just assumed it's a man. Oh, I don't know.

Could be a man or a lady. Who knows? Could be... I don't know. It says here, mine would be either fisherman's pie... Oh, yeah. ...or a tikka masala.

Oh, Jesus! I know. Yeah. Maybe spaghetti bolognese. Yeah. Is it weird that I'm a bit hungry? Talking about all this yeah yeah it's really weird

okay yeah I used to get back in the day back in the day spaghetti bolognese oh god when I think about

how much microwave food I used to eat I was so bad when I was younger I used to get frozen I don't know if they still do them it was frozen spaghetti bolognese

but the frozen spaghetti was all clumped together and frozen in one bag and the bolognese but the frozen spaghetti was all clumped together and frozen in one bag and the bolognese was frozen in the other and you just had to like stab it with a knife and put it on a microwave plate

and put it in a kind of boil itself in the bag and I would mix it in and it was absolutely disgusting to be fair I only had it a few times I don't even know where that would have been made

I don't know the stuff I used to eat my mum used to get this rice it was in a packet and you would rip the top off and you would put it in a bowl and put a bit of water in and put it in the microwave.

It made the whole house smell like old farts, but it was the nicest rice in the world. Were you one of them people who just always used a microwave? Yes. Because that probably should have went in a pan. Yeah. But that upsets me when people just use it like, oh, where do you do your scrambled eggs? In a microwave. Yes. Because that probably should have went in a pan. Yeah.

But that upsets me when people just use it like, oh, where do you do your scrambled eggs? In the microwave. Oh, people who do scrambled eggs in the microwave. Where do you cook your bacon?

Do you grill it? I'll microwave it. Oh, like, no, no. Microwaves are for... No microwaves, they're bacon. Oh, loads of people, man. Shut up, man.

Oh, yeah, why, yeah. Oh, God. I once watched a YouTube video of how to make a full English breakfast using a microwave. Honestly, I could have been sick. Microwaves are for heating stuff up.

My friend Zita hasn't even got a microwave. She's terrified of them. She's like, no, I don't like them. She had a more complex reason, like atoms and stuff like that. I was like, well, how do you heat your beans up? Do you know what I mean?

But yeah, I hate that. I hate when people are like, oh, just did it all in the microwave. Oh, God. Cooked a curry in the microwave. Oh, no. Look at that. Use the hob.

Get a bit of class, would you? Awful. That would have been you. You. No, no, no, no. How do you make your pasta in the microwave? No, no. I do, right? I'll tell you what I used to eat, right? pasta in the microwave no no I do right I'll tell you

what I used to eat right this was my minging student food right I'd have them can you remember pasta and sauce yeah

I used to quite like them or did you do them in the microwave no I did them on the hob oh good posh thank you

posh did them on the hob sometimes I'm one of them again to mention him again Carl Hutchinson still has them now oh for god's sake

sometimes Carl's like I was having like a dirty tea night like a minging tea and he goes and he gets like bird's eye chicken fillets and he gets like

pasta and sauce and he said it was he's like oh do you know when you're eating it and sometimes you get one of the little tubes and all the flavour and the powder flavour

is all stuck inside it it hasn't come out and you just because you know you put fucking milk in them yeah yeah yeah I had milk. I remember. I don't think I've had

one of them for about 12 years. No longer. I haven't had one of them for about 15 years. Oh, I would have them. I had, yeah. I remember once. Do you know this? Do you know that, you know, the dangly thing in the back of my mouth? Do you know I've got no feeling in that? You know the dangly thing in the back of your mouth? Do you know I can, like, grab ahold

of mine and touch mine? It's dead. That's disgusting. So I went through a phase. How do you know that've got no feeling in that one? You know the dangly thing at the back of your mouth? Do you know how I can grab ahold of mine and touch mine? It's dead. That's disgusting. So I went through a phase... How do you know that? That's your gag reflex. Yeah, well, I was sick for a couple of days afterwards. So what happened was... I wish I had a penis.

Why a penis? Because you've got no gag reflex. Oh, because I've got... All you thought about there was sticking your metaphorical penis right in the back of my head. Honestly. Disgusting. Every day. I'm so glad you haven't got a penis.

You'd be a nightmare if you had a penis. Pissing everywhere. You'd be getting it out all the time. Oh, I'd be mint. I'd be absolutely mint with a penis. I went through a phase when I was, again, college or uni, and I used to get chicken breast, but I used to... Did I used to microwave them? I think i used to microwave chicken cooked chicken breasts and i used to have um

just pots of like microwavable mash and i used to do them and i was getting ready to go out and i've got the microwave microwavable mash and i took it straight out of the microwave and i got a massive spoon and i threw it in my mouth and it literally went to the back of my mouth and it just surrounded the dangly thing and just fried it. And I spat it out and I was drinking loads of water and I thought nothing of it. And I went out and I got really drunk on the night and I woke up the next day and hangover

plus the back of your throat swollen. I was just being sick all day. Oh my God. All day. And then I realised, and literally I can lie, the pain, which literally Robin was putting his hand

in my mouth the other day and touching it. That, right, what? Why? Don't. Chris? I can literally I can like the pain which literally Robin was putting his hand in my mouth the other day and touching it because he can just that right what why don't Chris don't let him do that he's at a really crucial age where he keeps telling everyone

about stuff that happens at home at nursery don't tell him you'll be telling the teachers oh me dad let's touch his mouth inside his mouth

bloody you dangly oh yeah man well if it says dangly thing I'll say look it's in my mouth it's in my mouth why do I bother

why am I bothering trying to raise a nice human when you're letting him stick his monkey hands that'll be germs germs send I'll wash it afterwards you'll be ill

you washed it afterwards you washed it these hands man hey out of context that is slanderous he washed his hands babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah dear Rosie Chris and Robin Oh Weird Guys I hate to tell you But Robin does not listen To this podcast And he's not going to be listening

Anytime soon Unfortunately And to be fair When he's old enough To listen to podcasts We'll probably have to stop I know yeah He's never listening to this

But he's not No It's banned Fellow Sandhanta here. Oh, hello. That means you're from South Shields. Missed my chance to tell this story to Rosie today as I think I saw her in a well-known supermarket

buying a large number of aubergines. That was definitely her. That was me. Yeah, that was definitely her. That was me. That was actually me, yes. I made aubergine curry. Anyway, I would like to share an embarrassing story of mine,

a story all of my friends and co-workers and maybe your listeners now know well yes they're gonna know because i'm reading it out one dark evening i was driving down a poorly lit and busy road where i saw what i believed to be a hedgehog in the middle of the road as i had my soon-to-be partner in the car i wanted to impress and show that I was a nice person and insisted I pull over and move the poor hedgehog off the road to ensure it didn't

get ran over. That's fair enough, I suppose. It's very sweet, isn't it? Yeah. After making the decision, I put on my hazard lights and got out of the car, holding up approximately six cars behind me. Right. I slowly walked up to the hedgehog

and began to notice it didn't have the right shape for a hedgehog and was growing concerned that it had already been run over and I had become quite squeamish. Right. I decided to grow a pair of balls and get closer to the hedgehog when I discovered, in fact, it was a black trainer. Not wanting to embarrass myself or lose the kudos I already had,

I had to think on my feet. In the spur of the moment, I decided what I believe anyone in my situation would do. I crawled down next to the shoe, picked it up as if it were a hedgehog and carried it to the side of the road and put it in a boat.

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. On getting back in the car, i played it cool like it was nothing and anyone would have done the same wracked with guilt i eventually told my partner about this who would never fail to tell our friends absolutely lovely oh god i love that i love that so much that's amazing can't just say say trying to impress like what like in what world people do

you see I see it in sitcoms I see it on films and stuff but then I hear it in real life about people doing it going oh

there was a hedgehog in the road and I was with a new girl trying to impress her I tried to show her I was fucking hell man well I know but I'm not being funny

in his defence keep driving oh however nah right right okay let's just I'm just gonna give you an example right i'm in the car with my new fella thinking oh he's really sweet i really like him

it's been a few weeks we're just driving along maybe he's going to the cinema going out for a meal just runs a hedgehog over nonchalantly i'd be like get me out this car i wouldn't have run it over i would have avoided it i'm not talking about you i'm talking about anybody in general if you're in a car right you shouldn't avoid animals on the road actually right you're not meant to you're meant to just run them over but like you're not meant to stop and hold up six cars to move a fucking trainer i can see where he's coming from though because no if i was going out with someone who ran over an animal and didn't feel bad about or anything i'm sorry i wasn't saying run it over you're mixing me words yeah I wasn't saying run it over. You're mixing me words here.

I wasn't saying flatten it and keep going and be like, you lost all your rings, Sonic. I meant just avoid it and go, I hope no one hits that and keep going. Not like, hey, watch me, sweetheart. Watch me, the fucking hedgehog whisperer. When you hear the fire bell ring.

Don't know why I sang by myself. But yeah, I like it. Well, well done, Sean. Well done. And I hope that Trina's having a happy life in that bush now. Are you ready, guys? You asked for it. Here it comes. Let's talk about shit, baby.

Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the Let's talk about poo and wee Let's talk about all the good shits All the bad shits that have been Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit Oh Chris Let's talk about shit Shag married and shit

I forgot my bit I like went ooh And then I got carried away Honestly I was nodding my head so much I nearly headbutted the microphone Oh hey it's back It's back Here it goes

Hi Chris So excited Sorry It's all right I'm really excited You're so excited you're gonna I'm tingling Shit yourself

Honestly Hi Chris and Rosie I told my friends about this at the weekend and they told me that this story belongs on your podcast. Basically, I live with my mum and younger brother. He's 20 years old in brackets. We have one bathroom in the house. After a long day at work,

I like to have a nice long bath to unwind. And I always warn my family before that if they need to go to the toilet to do so before I get in. Makes sense. Yeah. Makes sense. Great. Great. Oh, God. So I got annoyed and told him that he'd have to wait. Great. Hold that shit in, would you? Oh, God.

He still persisted that he was desperate and was banging on the door, and I told him to wait until I had got the shampoo up my hair and that I'd be out. So that's fair enough. Anyway, it had probably been about five minutes, and I caved, and I got out of the bath because I felt bad. I left the bathroom in my towel and saw that my bedroom light was on, so I assumed he was waiting in there for me to come out so he could go into the bathroom. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I walked into my bedroom and saw my bedroom bin sitting in the centre of my room. No way! The bin bag that was inside it previously had been left next to it. I was a bit confused so went closer to see what was going on. My

brother had decided to have a massive human shit in my bare bedroom bin and left it there for me to discover. He took the bin bag out. So he took the bin bag out with all of the stuff in it. He's just in the bare bin.

Moved that to the side and dropped one on the bin uncovered. Just on the clean bottom of the bin. Oh, good lord. I was in complete shock and screamed for my mum to come upstairs

and see what her 20-year-old son had done. She came upstairs, looked at the bin in pure disgust and took it downstairs. All I heard her say to my brother was, why didn't you do it in a bag? That's it. Oh, wow. That's yeah that's so that's what he's into that oh my god oh my god i enjoyed that thank you that was wonderful southeast london oh my goodness me

why didn't you do it hey in this family when we're shitting in bins we'll make sure there's a bag in it bloody dragging this dragging this family's name through the dirt what have i raised what have i bloody raised here could you not have just done it in a bag Could you not have just done it in a bag? I mean, it was a power move, wasn't it? That was a power move. I mean, she needs a new bin now.

Oh, yeah, he's done it. He's done it deliberately. Because if it was in the bag, she might have never noticed. And it's not the same effect. But that mother, bless her, she sounds ground down, doesn't she? Do you know what I mean? Not, this is disgusting. What are you doing? Literally.

For me, yeah. Could you not have just done it in the bag? For me, that screams, I've seen him do worse. I've got a question for you, actually. Oh, have you? I've got a little question that I got sent. I love it when you do a question. Yeah, for a change.

When you put the effort in. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. I've got just a quick question. Mainly to Rosie. Oh. How would you feel if you were snuggled up in bed

with your man and he described you as, right? Now, I want to go to the next bit here. She says, my ex-husband once thought it was good pre-shag slash sex slash book chat to call me this right obviously it didn't

work and he is no longer my husband me and my friends often so he's trying to basically give her a little sexy little name before we start right okay okay before they start getting they're getting down to it right maybe they're kissing things getting the book on and he's like yeah and he's like he's about to say something and this and this is what he said. Right. So, first of all, she said, me and my friends often wonder what the hell I was thinking being with him. He called her

in the throes of passion, they were about to get down to it, he called her a hot butted scone. Oh, no. Oh, God. A hot butted scone Oh no I bet you wanted Didn't you A hot butted scone It's so It's so descriptive

But it's the I mean I'm not even joking It's up there with Chocolate quillet shitit-pea. Do you know what? It's quite sweet. Yeah, but not in the passion. Not in the passion. Maybe you've got like, do you want a cup of tea? Do you want a blankie, me little hot-buttered scone?

But not, oh, I can't. Do you want it, do you? Do you want it from Daddy, you hot-buttered scone? Do you want any jam on, do you? You little hot- hot butted scone you don't want any jam on do you you little hot butted little scone you want some jam and clotted cream on you you little hot butted scone I mean what the fuck I love it

I actually love it I'd be like yeah yeah come on toast me that's from Jeanette thanks Jeanette thanks Jeanette you little hot butted scone Jeanette Thanks Jeanette Thanks Jeanette You little hot butted scone

Jeanette you little hot butted Do you know what that says to me Jeanette Stick to your own kind Stick to your own class Yeah I think he was posh He was very posh I wear a hot butted scone Hot butted scone

Yeah that's what he said I bet he said scone Scone He said scone Oh you little Oh you little Horny little hot butted scone you Ohone. You said scone. Yeah, you definitely said scone. Oh, you little, you little horny little hot-butted scone, you. Oh, hey, bend over.

Meanwhile, she's just had a microwave kebab, I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a hot cross bun, if that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hey. Hey. I live in Howden,

which is in Newcastle. Hello. Oh, loads of Newcastle ones today. I was talking to my mum a few days ago, which is mum. Mum. Everyone knew that, but carry on. No, loads of Newcastle ones today. I was talking to my mum a few days ago, which is mum. Everyone knew that, but carry on. No, some people might not. Okay.

Some people live in a place and never leave and never hear accents. Okay. So there you go. She told me this story that I had forgot about. I don't know if you've heard this story because apparently it was very well known all over the Newcastle area. Maybe we do, maybe we don't. Let's see. Oh, I love an urban legend.

I think it is an urban legend. Come on, then. I didn't think Newcastle would have an urban legend. Oh, there's loads, man. Why, aye? When she was in her teens, a woman who lived opposite her was newly married. She found out her partner had been sleeping with another woman, so in night she super glued his willy to his leg

oh i've heard this one it's amazing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it happened at this i think it actually has happened a few times i think it actually has happened i'm sure a woman did it once and actually got like a jail time for it i should think so yeah so come on the next the next day was apparently amazing. He came running out of the house screaming at the top of his lungs telling people

to call the police. The police were called and he was sent to hospital. She was arrested but was released without charge. They stayed together

and apparently he never slept around again. Well, of course he didn't. You've got to put your whole leg in. No one's a plant. And that's why he started doing porn.

Only the porn stars would accept his leg cock. I hate people who can sleep through their alarm. I hate really deep sleepers who don't wake up and sleep through their alarm and bring on their door. I hate even more someone who can sleep through getting their dick superglue to their leg. If you can sleep through getting your dick superglue to your leg, you deserve to have your dick superglue to your leg. How would you not know? You wouldn't know, wouldn't you?

Honestly, if you tried to superglue my dick anywhere in the middle of the night, honestly, I'd be like, buckaroo. I'd just jump up. I'm alright for doing that. I don't think that would... This is the thing. Like, chuck him out the house. Do you know what I mean? Leave him.

Don't super glue his... Will it do his leg? Yeah, it's not... It's not cool, is it? It's not cool. I couldn't be bothered. No. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Okay. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I have a quick question for you. My friend recently gave birth. She is one of those Mother Nature types and decided to film the whole thing. She put clips on her Instagram and one made me

feel a bit grim. I'm sorry. I don't want to be a prudier, but no. No. Absolutely no. What? I mean, filming it is bad enough, but put it on your Instagram. Why are you putting it on Instagram? See, I wish I'd filmed mine. No. No, I do. Just for my own thing. I wouldn't have put it on my Instagram

but I mean nah would I have I probably would have you probably would have now this is bloody oversharing actually no

nah nah each to their own who's holding the camera who films it do you put it on a tripod one of the doctors not sure

oh god nah I'm alright for it like so there we go. So here goes. After giving birth, she blended her placenta along with some banana and berries. Her, her boyfriend, her sister, and her parents

all had a small glass of this placenta smoothie each. Prison. We should all be in prison. We should all be in prison. of this placenta smoothie each? Prison. We should all be in prison. We should all be in prison. How did that happen? How did that happen? You know, sometimes,

last night, Rosie, me and you, me and you opened a bottle of wine, and me mum and dad came and dropped Robin off. And we went, oh, is he here? Do you want a glass of wine? And they went,

oh, go on then. How does that, oh, hey, as you're here, we're just, we're just drinking her blended placenta with some berries and,

do you want one? Yeah, no, you do one when you got the car. I mean, what the actual fuck? It's horrible, isn't it?

I'm sorry, like, you know what it is? I'm not sorry. Anyone who's offended, because I, honestly, we're in a world now.

I think they're of the minority, Chris. Yeah, but we're in a world now, but they're of the minority Chris yeah but we're in a world but some of them are going you're shaming them it's perfectly natural it's been proved to be okay that's absolutely fine right

you can drink it as much as you want I'm not going to drink it and I'm not going to be okay with people drinking it I'm sorry I'm not going to run to their house sister and ma'am I know

do you know what it is though right it's a part of your body inside of your body it's like I don't know if you got rid of your appendix Do you know what it is though, right? It's a part of your body, inside of your body. It's like, I don't know, if you got rid of your appendix, would you whiz it up in the blitter and drink it? No? It's meant to have stuff in it that's good for you.

Would you like some appendix on toast? I'm alright, thanks. No, it's just like patty. Like patty. Yeah, I'm not. Smooth? Smooth, of course. Honestly. Do you know what, though? You can get them made into tablets. I would do that. Honestly. I'm not that... Do you know what, though? You can get them made into tablets. I would do that. Sorry, I don't understand why.

What's the health benefits? I'd have to Google it. Apparently, there is a lot of health benefits. But I think it's more for the mother. What's her mom going to get from... What's her mom? Bloody, you know. Bloody mom just sounded like she wanted in on the action.

She's just... That's sick. It's cannibalism. It's incest and cannibalism at the same time it's like rusty oh honestly it's not good do you remember that program that we watched once all right um and it was all about placentas and that woman had a placenta and it was still inside of her and she carried it around and she put herbs on it oh yeah she was seasoning it so it didn't smell yeah man honestly

it was still attached it was still inside of her like a colostomy bag yeah not even like a colostomy bag it was like someone who's in hospital

and they've got a drip oh yeah she was carrying it round like a bloody wheeling it round like a drip and putting dried herbs on it so it didn't stink

yeah yeah man sitting next to her in the cinema are you a seat chicken yes my placenta dried herbs on it so it didn't stink. Yeah. Yeah, man. Sit next to her in the cinema. Are you Mrs. Seat Jigging? Yes, my placenta's in that seat. Oh, no worries.

I'm going to go and illegally download this film. Why don't you show on a night out? What's that in your bag? You're not allowed to ask me placenta. What? You're dancing around your hand you're not allowed to buy it's people send that what you dance around your handbag gene no it's uh careful don't oh oh no i think yeah i mean listen let's leave it on a nice term each each to their own but

unbelievable each to their own right no like that's what i want to say right that's the thing about comedy and stuff right i'm not victim i'm just trying to make light of it right if you want to eat your placentas and get all your family around your placenta that's absolutely fine you are well within your right to do that and i'm well within my right to take the piss out of it yeah and that's how it works i'd like to eat my placenta next time that we have a baby and if you don't then that we're going to be game over because i'll be really upset if you don't, then we're going to be game over. Because I'll be really upset if you don't. Well, we might as well call it a day now. Dear Rosie and Chris,

I came out of a relationship and had my mandatory slag phase. Well done. You go, girl. Girl, we've all been there, girl. You slag it up. Slag it up. You've got to slag it up. all been there girl You slag it up Slag it up You got to slag it up Don't you know

Slag it up Just always use Protection Nobody wants Chlamydia Crabs in their eyelids Nobody wants it One day

I went out And got very drunk Met a guy And ended up at his house We did the deed Very underwhelming I must say. That's what she said.

It's part of the slag phase. Oh, yeah. You can't expect to run and shut the... Can't all be fireworks. No, I'm good. It's just literally the sun's just blaring in. I feel like I'm being interrogated by you. You look like a little angel sat there.

Yeah, they can't all rock your world, ladies. It's part of the slag phase. The slag phase phase because some of it is so terrible really makes you appreciate the person that you marry because you go

remember that horrific slag phase don't want to do that again I'll stick with the one I've got that's what I live now very underwhelming I decided to go

to the toilet the toilet was only across the hall and it was four in the morning so I decided I could make the naked dash to and from the toilet. This was my first mistake. I then got back into bed, but this is where it goes wrong.

Right. Okay. I heard a voice say, hello, and the voice wasn't as I had remembered my mail of the night. It turns out in my drunken confused and disoriented state I had gone into the wrong room and had got into his

parents bed fully naked. Parents bed I thought he was going to be a student. Nope. Oh my god. Fully blown parents bed. I was so mortified the only response I could come out with was, hello, it's lovely to meet you.

Oh, that's phenomenal. Before I was burning out of the room, trying to hide what little dignity I had left. It's no surprise, I got my clothes and I left there and then, but it gets worse. It's lovely to meet you. It gets worse, this story. No story no how so the next day it's still in shock about my antics

from the night before I thought I'd tweet my story to my 100 followers to give my friends a laugh oh how wrong I was shit my phone began to blow up it had quickly gained 65,000 likes and I received over 2,000 messages. It then began featuring on pages of all types of social media. It made it on the Lad Bible. My mum came across it on a Facebook page and nearly had a heart attack. My poor 13-year-old sister was bombarded with questions at school about her older, slaggy sister. And my cousin from another country sent it to me

everyone saw it it's over a year on and I still haven't lived it down oh well done that's amazing absolutely phenomenal she's lived that slag life to the fullest oh absolutely I think I might have actually saw that tweet

technically a threesome well done you babadoo babadoo babadoo once again thank you so so much for listening fellow smars and dars I think I might have actually saw that tweet. Technically a threesome. Well done, you. Once again, thank you so, so much for listening, fellow Smars and Dars. The book is out now to pre-order. Thank you to everyone who already has. You don't even know how much we appreciate it. And we just love you guys so much. Thank you.

Available now to pre-order is the sentence. You said out now to pre-order. Right. I feel like people to pre-order. Right. I feel like people might get a bit freaked out. That's the first book I've ever wrote. It's the same. It's out now to pre-order for September. Psych.

Yeah, it's available to pre-order. No idea. Sorry to correct you, but I couldn't be arsed what the tweets would get from that. You said it's out now. And I've just went to every bookshop in me town and I've cried. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, thank you. So it's available now. Any questions, and if you want to get in touch with the podcast or if you want to get in touch with me for the book, shagmongerloid at gmail.com. We are currently going through all of the questions. Well, I say we, Rosie is. I am, yeah.

But thanks, guys. As always, big love. See you next week. Bye. Bye. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and