Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 51. Sip Swallow Chug, Chug, Chug

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

This week Chris and Rosie have had a plumbing disaster, and Chris was a total legend-ish about it. There's whistle wake up beef, restaurant food disasters and disgusting behaviour on a train. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, podcaster slash author, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey, podcast slash author slash comedian.

Oh, fuck, you've got more than me. I was genuinely looking at you there thinking, what you're saying? And then at the end, we were like, oh, fuck, I was like, oh, she's done it wrong. Oh, no, I've got more. You win. Don't forget, I was in Hebbin as well, so slash actor. Oh, I just mean that. Oh, well so slash actor. I just mean that the minute.

Oh, strictly dancer slash dancer. Right, brilliant. Welcome to the show. Also, I'm quite good at washing cars slash car washer. Car chair.

Car chair. Extraordinary. You would love that. Oh, I love a car chair. Hi. It's your turn. What do I do? It's episode

whatever it is. Do I? Okay. Hi everyone. You're throwing us off. I'm? You say it's episode whatever it is. Do I? Okay. Hi, everyone. You're throwing us off. I'm just thinking about how beefy me CV is. The girth on me CV. You are girthy on CV.

Excuse me, can you get your CV out of here? It's blocking all the sunlight. Is that your record of achievement? Covering the sun. Is that your record of achievement? Covering the sun. Is that your record of achievement? Holding that massive door open? I don't like to talk about record of achievements. No?

I don't know where mine is. Well, don't you lie about yours? Didn't you start lying about yours quite a while ago? Oh, I've lied about my GCSE results for years. When my mum and dad split up when I was like, I think 19 or 20, and it was in the loft, and I don't know where it went. So, if anyone from the South Shields area has my record of achievement

can you please let me know. You moved into a house in the Houghton area and in the loft there was Rosie Winter's record of achievement. She doesn't need it back because she's a podcaster and author now. I'd still like it though. There were certificates in that in there and everything. There's me attendance. Year 9, Chris.

All terms I got year 9. 100%. I'll bet you got 100%, did you? I loved school, mate. I remember when I was in junior school, a kid at the end of junior school got a £20 WH Smith's voucher because he had never had a day off in all four years of juniors.

Ever, ever? In all four years of juniors. Everyone was just like, no one can believe it. He got like a £'s voucher because he had never had a day off in all four years of juniors ever ever in all four years of juniors never ever everyone was just like no I can't believe it he got like a 20 quid and that's fucking banging beef here

20 quid that's pretty impressive unbelievable he must have took loads of echinacea should have got a Holland and Barrett voucher

absolutely full of it coming out with paws guys it is episode 51 thank you for coming back if you have Daisy I just had a total brain fart I was going to tell people to like, rate and subscribe

but do I still even do that? say whatever you want Chris okay guys it is episode 51 thank you as always for listening please like, rate and subscribe and all of that stuff but before we get started

a word this week from our lucrative lucrative sponsor it's just this week's sponsor is not having any hot water oh yes hey see we are all up in that sponsor right now sponsors about people i do yeah ever watched a walking dead or a zombie film or something like that and thought i could survive then your boiler goes off and you think, actually, I fucking couldn't. I'm a clip. Ring, ring. Mom, can I come and have a bath at your house? Having no hot water.

I don't want to be a grown up. More about that later. Here's the jingle. Is that your sponsor? Is that it? I just didn't want to go over too much because we've got some later on. Okay, we'll talk about it in a bit. We'll just talk about it later on.

All right then. It's a sponsor and a tease. Oh, are you teased? Hey. Teased to fuck. God. Here's the jingle. Jesus Christ.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do We had a fight about the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle, so this is the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bap, jingle! Hello, episode 51, the same age as Chris's ex-girlfriend before me. That's slander. Well, yeah, at the time. She's older now.

That's even worse. This is jokes, isn't it? That's a total joke. That's not referencing anyone in particular. Don't email in or fucking approach us. All right, Peggy, come on, Peggy. Don't approach us in Sainsbury's if you know our awesome shit. It's a joke.

God, that. Scared of that now, you know. Scared of what? i don't know how many anecdotes i've dropped so basically you know um in me stand up i used to uh i've talked about the lad who lived across the road i've talked about yes you know his his mom drops her grand kid his kid off at a school yeah with with our kid yeah and i say every morning she's like hi chris i'm like hi are you all alright and I always just think have you seen she hasn't seen you

all of the stuff I've talked about no no nah aww but they're lovely bless them

you know who yours are you know who yours are thank you for a rich childhood full of anecdotes and joy it's like a Weathers original advert isn't it

what is rich childhood full of anecdotes and joy. Thank you. I love Weathers originals. You do? I tell you what, I've ate nearly a full bag of humbugs

in the last three days. I love a humbug. Honestly, I wish you still had your record of achievement because we'll put a little certificate in there for you. Super sucker. Here's a story for you. Do you know when we do the podcast we remember little stories yes um when i was in nursery at school obviously uh i used to drink the milk really slow right because i don't really like it to be honest but you know when you when we were younger you were

just forced you're forced to do stuff so i used to drink drink the milk and all of the class, while I was drinking the milk because I was always last, used to chant, suck, swallow, suck, swallow. I'm not even joking.

That's like a nightmare. Isn't that awful? That's like a bad dream. It might have been sip. It probably wasn't suck. It was probably sip. Swallow, the whole class,

ask Ashley Little. She knows. So you were the last, get this straight, you were the last kid. So what what you were four five uh well I was four because I was the youngest in my year last person gosh I was at three you might have just been I was three when I went to nursery the neck a little bottle of milk yeah oh my god because I didn't finish true story sip swallow oh chuck chuck chuck right everyone come on in the yard story. Sip. Swallow. Chug. Chug. Chug.

Right everyone, come on, in the yard. In the yard for bumps. I don't even like milk. God. Was your nursery a Wetherspoons? I wish. Imagine. Chug. Chug. Chug. Come on, Rosie. Join in. Down it. chug chug chug

come on Rosie join in down it down it right kids karaoke after this karaoke come on

now you're talking come on it's Emily's hen do come on will we get to the point of the podcast now where we entertain ourselves more than

I think so I think we laugh at each other more than anybody else laughs. That's what I think. What have you been up to? We are writing the book. Still writing that book? Still, yeah.

I've got to say, you are really, really flying the flag and captaining the good ship. Lollipop. I was going to say the good ship. Shag probably annoyed the book. But you really are. You're absolutely tearing through it like i'm literally just behind you just like going stop doing so much work you're making us look bad no but you're really quick at doing it it takes me a lot longer yeah but you're sort of leading it you're getting all the questions and getting all the topics and starting up the chapters and then i'm sort of chipping in it's lovely i feel honestly

i feel like i'm like marking your work but adding stuff you are using a red font as well i am using it and i'm writing see me at the bottom of all of them see me in my office even though we're in the same office and you're a meter away we haven't really been in the office much though because uh yesterday i wrote from bed i know you were very happy with that oh yeah best working day of my whole entire life because um we were gonna we're gonna mention this anyway our heating our water whatever it was i didn't i went off the other night which was extremely stressful yeah it makes you realize that you don't know your house at all and well you're a fully fledged grown-up and you don't i don't want to be a grown-up i mean i uh set the scene i did a gig i did a ch fledged grown up and I don't want to be a grown up. It's horrible.

I set the scene. I did a gig. I did a Chris Ramsey and Friends gig at the stand in Newcastle with a few other comics just to work out new material and stuff. Then I went for a few pints with everyone. Then I went for a curry.

So I came back in like half cut. Yeah. And I went to the bathroom and I sort of turned, the light outside the bathroom is on and I kind of turned around and looked out the bathroom door. I don't know why, just gazing off into the distance while I wee,

just thinking about me wee. Must be nice. And there was a massive puddle of water on the floor, and I was like, oh, God. She's bathed them and she's left a bloody puddle as usual. That's what I thought. Oh, thanks. Obviously, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I went and stood over the puddle, and more water hit us on the head. And I looked up, and it was just coming through the light fixture so it was the massive water tank and I had to phone I had to go into that loft and then I had to phone

the plumber you rang the plumber at like half eleven at night because I know him and he's but I was like Chris that is not like socially acceptable

but can you remember what I said to you I said I know him I know what he's like he's told us he hates early mornings and he stays up all night he's going to pick up the phone and he literally him. I know what he's like. He's told us he hates early mornings and he stays up all night.

He's going to pick up the phone and he literally picked up the next ring. He did pick up the phone. I was gutted because I was literally standing behind you going, don't you kind of ring him at almost 11 at night? He's classy. Why'd you answer the phone like, are you Chris?

I was like, oh, Chris. He just wasn't bothered at all. There was no like, hello, who's that? He just went, all right, mate, how you doing? You all right? I knew you'd be up. But hey, I'm glad you did. You all right? I knew you'd be up. But hey, I'm glad you did.

Did you not get a little bit freaked out at just how, I don't, it's when stuff like that happens in the house and obviously Robin was asleep in bed and you're just a bit like, what do we do? It's terrifying.

It's horrible. Yeah, it just shows you how much we're sort of pampered and we're used to just like nice, easy things. Your electricity, your gas, or your boiler boiler when they fuck up it's literally you're a baby again you're just like running around just freaking the fuck out i had to go to the top of the blooming garden i had to turn the stop stop cock turn the stop cock off there was a bit of plastic in the way i had to

snip that off the fucking idiot who put it in i don't know what they did but it was literally plastic stopping it from turning i had to cut that and then The fucking idiot who put it in, I don't know what they did, but it was literally plastic stopping it from turning. I had to cut that. And then I came back and, you were so impressed. Oh, you, I knew you were going to say that. You were. You were.

Because I don't, oh, I don't do man stuff. I don't do man stuff very often, but when I do man stuff, you're fucking loving it. This was going to be my beef. My beef was going to be you when the water went off,

running around like J.I. Flippin' Joe, thinking you were mint. Oh, Rosie, I've just turned this top cock off tell giving us like a rundown of every single little thing you've done did yeah and it's no it was not it was not sexy it was not anything you were wetter than that bathroom floor I can can I tell you now the only thing that did turn me on was that you didn't ring your dad that was you I mean you rang the plumber but that's fair enough but you didn't ring your dad. That was you. I mean, you rang the plumber, but that's fair enough. But you didn't ring your dad because normally when something happens, you're like, I rang my dad. So I was really chuffed that you dealt with it yourself.

So that was quite horny. But other than that. That was quite horny. Other than that, I was like, no. I don't want my dad. Rosie, I've just had to do that and just, God, everything's fine now. Let's go. How are you?

No, we're safe. Let's go to bed. Chris, the. Let's go. How are you? No, we're safe. Let's go to bed. Chris, the water's just gone off. But yes, no, we're safe. Save the day. Can I just say, you were very good. You filled up the coffee machine with water. You filled up some bottles with water and put them in for when we had no water the next day.

Very good. Planning ahead. Thank you. I just wish that when I turned the bath on to drain the tanks, I wish I'd put the plug in. So we just had like a body of water for the morning. Oh yeah, it's ridiculous. We had absolutely no water and no way to flush the chairs and the toilets

or nothing like that. Oh yeah, well when you have a wee, you've got to fill the back of the toilet with a bucket from the sink now. It's exciting. It's like going back in time. It's like being in Beamish. It is.

It's very much like being in Beamish. It is. Like honestly, he told me Nana and she was like, well, now you know what it's like. I thought, well, I do. I do I do now I'm proud of you nana

because you lived through loads I do ring my dad for too many things to be fair I don't know what age you stop ringing your dad I don't know when it is

probably when he dies that's usually the cut off and I'm going to be honest with you I think when he goes I'll probably still accidentally go to ring him a couple of times

and then get really sad that's quite nice yeah you could leave a voicemail, I'll probably still accidentally go to ring him a couple of times and then get really sad. That's quite nice. Yeah. You could leave a voicemail, Dad. I know you're not here anymore. But listen, I really needed you to paint the shed today. Dad, if you're planning on haunting me, come down and haunt me now. Bring your van. Bring your van. Yeah, bring

some silicon and a size 10 socket wrench. Yeah. Thank you. Love you. Miss you. I was at the paint shop the other day uh buying some paint for the gate yeah and uh the guy was like oh oh you want me careful there's a storm coming in it's not painting weather this you know and i literally said the guy in the shot went ah my dad's painting i'm not bothered just what did he look that's like it was a piece of shit but did he not mean because of the weather like leaves and that could get stuck with the paint

don't know what he meant i just was like dad's painting it not my problem i'm just gonna get the paint bye don't you hate it when people just interject useless shit yeah do you know what i mean it's not painting weather well oh yeah tell you what gives me money back you keep it good luck with your business you're gonna do great imagine telling people it wasn't painting weather how how ridiculous and no wonder why shops are closing down do you know what I mean because on a if you're buying

paint on a website like that little a little chat box doesn't pop up at the bottom going by the way it's not painting weather just get your

painting photo delete delete have we talked about when you hate stuff like that you hate it when like like rudeness and people in shops

when they're like say unnecessary things. Oh, just don't, don't interject the useless information because I don't care. And I just find it really rude and just unnecessary.

They're patronising, yeah. Patronising. Oh, do you know, do you remember when, we went shopping once and we did a really big shop and the woman commented on how much we're spending

and I was like, right, right. No, put it back all, put it all back through and go fuck yourself because i've come here to spend some money and you're judging us for how much i'm spending nothing to do with you do you know what i mean but that was when you bought a load of baby clothes that was at the time when robin was little it was like expensive because of all that but i do

remember she was having a go and it's like you fucking work here oh should i go and tell the manager that you're telling us to spend less I know and then at the end I can't remember what shop it was but they asked if you had one of the points cards I was like

no she's getting oh well I just thought oh yeah if we're talking about if we're talking about the time when we were at Millie's Cookies

and you were getting and I was getting a cookie I don't know if we're talking about apologies listener if I have talked about this but we're at Millie's Cookies at the metro centre and I was like getting a cookie and I was buzzing I was like I've been're talking about it. Apologies, listeners, if I have talked about this, right? But Millie's cookies at the Mario Center. And I was like getting a cookie and I was buzzing.

I was like, I've been looking forward to it the whole time. I'd been going around the shops with her like a little kid. And I got the cookie and she literally put it on the counter. And I was like, nice one. And then she was slightly rude in one of something she said. And you were like, oh, it doesn't matter. And you like marched away. And I had to give the fucking cookie back.

I was devastated. I was nearly crying. I just hate rudeness. She was really rude, to be fair. Just was devastated. I was nearly crying. I just hate rudeness. I hate it. She was really rude, to be fair. Just being really, really sort of ignorant.

I get on me, I just get on me high horse though because I've worked in retail. No, the difference is you got on my high horse. That was my cookie. The only thing that happened there

was I didn't get me cookie. We went to the other one down the road and you got a cookie there and I complained. Said the last of the other one was terrible. She was the manager. What, the last of the other one was the road and you got a cookie there and i complained said the other the last of the other one it was terrible she was a manager what the last of the other one was that one's boss yeah goodness me i was listening i was bloody balls deep in cookie by then oh my gosh

no i don't i don't like rudeness and i don't like bad customer service like when you go up to the till and the chat neutral then you're like, hello, am I invisible? Yeah. Customer is always first. Not always right, but they're always first. How do you feel when someone's on a phone when you go in, if there's someone in the shop and they're on their phone just chatting away? What do you mean? A customer?

No, no, no. It's a person behind the counter just chatting away on the phone. Why would they be on the phone? Sometimes they are. At petrol stations, it happens quite a lot. Then I wouldn't take my customer there. No? No. What if you had zero miles left on your fuel?

I would just, I'd wait out for you to go to a different petrol station to bring me a tank of petrol to me car. I'd push me car up the hard shoulder with me pride. I'd hire one of the strongest men to come and bring

me car back, tow it down John Reed Road because that's the petrol station we were at I'll see you pick one really close to home in this scenario oh good I remember once

I was in the metro centre I used to go like I know the metro centre like the back of my hand because I used to go there every single week with my mum

when I was younger and I just used to go around all the clothes shops with my mum like it was obviously I didn't have brothers or sisters such a lonely child I used to go there every single week with my mom when I was younger. And I just used to go around all the clothes shops with my mom. Like, it was obviously I didn't have brothers or sisters. Such a lonely child. Such a lonely child. Terrible.

However, however, she always used to take us to Pizza Hut and then the cinema. But I had to go through like Dorothy Perkins and Miss Selfridge and everything like that. I can see where she's coming from. Yeah, yeah. It's all about compromise. I remember in like, is Wallace, was that a lady's shop? Still going to do. Still one,

was something like that, right? We're in there. And my mom was, I think she was taking something back or she was asking how the store card worked or something. And I remember the woman

rolled her eyes. She'd like turn to someone else and she like rolled her eyes and my mom caught her and my mom like blasted her in the shop in front of everyone. Honestly, I felt sick all day. I couldn't eat my garlic bread at Pizza Hut. Why? Because your mom like blasted her in the shop in front of everyone. Honestly I felt sick all day.

I couldn't eat my garlic bread at Pizza Hut. Why? Because your mom had blasted you. It was the first time I'd seen

something like that happen. She was like I saw you and the woman was like no I'm rolling my eyes at this

like returned item here and she was like you weren't you're rolling at me. Come on son and she marched

out and I was fucking mortified. I'd have done the same. I know you would have. Oh god. Didn't even get

that bloody sequined dress I was buying from Wallace. I don't know. I was obsessed done the same. I know you would have. Oh, God. Didn't even get that bloody sequined dress I was buying from Wallace. I don't know. I was obsessed with all the sequins when I was little. I think that's why

I ended up on Strictly. Loved all the sequined dresses. You just always kept trying to get me around to buying one. That you had the strangest childhood ever.

I did. I would just go on. You know them ones that Robin's got now where you flick the sequins up and it makes a different picture? Fucking hell.

If they were around when I was a kid, Christ alive. I don't, my mum never took us shopping. No? It just wouldn't, nah,

it wouldn't have happened. It was three years ago, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So you go in the metro centre for us would have been, like now,

because we go quite often and Robin's just like, oh, I don't want to go. When we were kids and my mum, if my mum said, let's go to the metro centre,

honestly, I would have wet myself with pure excitement. Just being yes so metroland oh metroland rest in peace metroland no one's gonna know what this is but metroland was inside of the metro centre which is and it was a fairground and they got rid of it and it was the worst day of my life that might be actually for people around the world and around the country listening to this, who aren't from the North East, that is actually an incredibly strange set-up. It was inside, the Metro Centre is obviously a big shopping centre, and it was inside one area of it, which is now a cinema,

and it was a full-on fair. There was dodgems, there was a rollercoaster. There was a stage. I saw five there. You saw five in Metroland. I'm sure they did. A 911. I think they were there. A 911?

This was before they were big. Right, okay. Wow. Imagine that. Imagine that from their agent. Guys, I've got a gig for you. It's at a fairground inside a shopping centre. You're sacked.

You are sacked. Are you mad? It's time for Watch Your Beef. All right, Chris. Hello, Chris. Oh, God. Is this both of them at the same time? Hello, Chris. It's Becky and Belinda. Oh, God.

Hello. Hello, Chris. No, we're just getting in touch with you again. I'm really sorry to interrupt the podcast. Yeah, yeah. But Barry, we've got some terrible news about Barry. No, seriously, don't.

He's still alive, Chris. He's still alive. Right, well, how's that terrible? No, no, it's just the cataracts have spread. The cataracts have spread? From his eyes? From his eyes. To somewhere else? From his eyes. To somewhere else?

To his arsehole. I've hurt myself. It's never been seen before. So he's at the hospital now and Channel 5 have been in touch. They want to make a documentary about his arsehole cataracts. Ah! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. hospital now and um channel five have been in touch they want to make a documentary about these assholes cut the rags hello chris hi so we were just wondering if you and rosie wanted to be part of the uh of the documentary right we can't offer any money but it'll be, you know, exposure for the podcast. And, you know, Barry will be so, so excited to see Rosie. Right. Obviously, you can't actually, he won't be able to see you properly.

Right. But he'll be able to, like, feel you there. Right, okay, yeah. I'm not feeling his arse. It's going to be a hard no from me. Oh, Chris. I don't want to be, no, listen. Oh, Chris.

Oh, look, I don't even know you, man. He's got arsehole. God, that's Chris. You can't be... The poor... Me Ben. Me Ben. Right, look.

Me Ben. He's red-hot. Red-hot with it, Chris. And they're just asking... They just want a celebrity on it, Chris. Look, I'll make some calls, right? Listen, please. I'm busy. Look, they just want a celebrity on it, Chris. Look, I'll make some calls, right? Listen, please. I'm busy. Look, me and Rose are really busy, but I'll make some calls, right? We'll get

someone, right? Do you remember Chico? Chico Day? Ah, someone like that. I'll get someone of that ilk. What about your mate Carl Hutchinson? Hutchinson. Yeah, if you're, yeah, absolutely, Carl would be, yeah, Carl would definitely be for it. Oh, no, he's coming on tour with me no Carl can't do it right no no I don't

think you'd like to be second I don't think you'd like to be second choice either so I don't know what to

tell you I'm really sorry we can't you'll have to ask Rosie when she gets back

we just wanted to try okay anyway you'll have to ask Rosie when she gets

back because she's currently recording our own fucking version of the clumps where she

plays multiple characters she's a very talented actress tell you that right so it's bye from me all right chris it's a bye from me seamless seamless i'll see you both later big love bye Who was that?

Fuck off It's getting ridiculous Two of them It's like James McAvoy in Split I love James McAvoy What a beef Well done Well done I did enjoy that

very much well done you are wasted on this podcast bloody wasted tell me about it my beef with you this week

and I think I think Instagram followers and Twitter followers and some of the smiles and dazs out there are already familiar with this but my beef with you

this week is on Saturday morning I think or was it Sunday i can't remember i'm still traumatized you let our son come upstairs and wake me up with a whistle so fucking loud so loud he just came up with his whistle you're just sitting down here god knows what you're doing in fact he woke us up with a whistle and then i didn't get out of bed and then i quickly looked at my phone and your top tweet was i've just let robin go and wake chris up with a whistle, and then I didn't get out of bed, and then I quickly looked at my phone, and your top tweet was, I've just let Robin go and wake Chris up with a whistle. I got out of bed, and I could hear him wanting to come back up, and I was going to get back in the bed after I'd been in the toilet,

and then I heard him say, where's me cricket bat? And then he came running upstairs with a cricket bat, and I was like, I'm up, I'm up! I don't know what you were going to do, but I'm up! Jesus Christ! I'm just, do you know what it is? Everyone what you were going to do, but I'm up. Jesus Christ. I'm just, you know what it is? Everyone always says these are the days that you'll miss. So I'm just really making sure that they're ingrained in your memory.

Do you know how often he asks to come and wake you up when I get up with him? Like, do you know how often he says, I want to go and wake Mammy up. And I go, no. And I barter with him. And I let you stay in bed. And you are giving him accessories to come and wake me up up. And I'd go, no. And I'd barter with him. And I'd let you stay in bed. And you are giving him accessories to come and wake me up. It was quarter to nine, Chris. I'd been gigging.

That's bloody, that's lunch. Quarter to nine. Who do you think you are? Hugh Hefner. Eh? Lounging in your bed. Hugh Hefner must have got up early. Old people get up early.

He must have got up early all the time. Aren't you? What? Old people get up early? Of course they do. What do you mean? They just get up early I must have got up early all the time aren't you what old people get up early of course they do what do you mean they just get up early don't they

yeah they do actually got up early that's strange I know my mum's like that she's like being up since half past six I'm like why are you getting up

just can't help it well I tell you what when I'm your age I'll be in bed me absolutely none of that. Would you not? Oh, yeah, absolutely, yeah. My dad does.

When I speak to my mum, my mum's always up, and my dad sometimes rolls out of bed at 10 o'clock. He's got Life O'Reilly. Doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit. That's what I'll be like. Honestly. Kids will be coming for Sunday dinner,

and I'll be like, oh, God, no. I didn't get in until four. Booyah. for Sunday, then I'll be like, oh God, nah. I didn't get it until four. Boo-yah. So stop it because it's bullying. What's yours? He just misses you. My beef with you

this week is when you sit on your phone of an evening in bed, you leave your mouth open and it's disgusting and all I can smell

is your breath and you breathe like a whale and I had do you remember the other night I had to go over and close your mouth

why did you do that how do you not know how do you not know that your mouth is open do you know what it was right I was sitting there on my phone

and I'm sitting I didn't realise I was doing it my mouth's obviously gaping open you do it all the time like mouth breathing and like your hand came in and like sort of touched my chin and I was like oh I should probably turn this round Ac nid oeddwn i'n gwneud hynny wrth fy modd, mae fy môth yn gwneud ymgysylltu. Rydych chi'n gwneud hynny bob amser. Mae fy môth yn dechrau dechrau.

Ac fe ddod o'ch rhan i mewn a dechreuwyd fy llyfr a dweud, dylai hi ddod o gwmpas i ni i'w gwylio am y cys. Mae hyn yn dda. Ac fe wnaethon ni ddynnu fy môr ac fe wnaethon ni gosod fy môr. Dwi ddim yn gallu credu fy modd i ddweud i fy mab ddod i gosod ei môr. Pwy sy'n dechrau dechrau trwy'r m'r wyf? Dwi'n ddrwg. Beth? Dwi'n ddrwg. Pwy'n ffyrdd trwy'r wyf yma? Dwi'n ddrwg fel os ydw i'n ffyrdd iawn. Dwi ddim yn gwybod mai dwi'n ei wneud ac rwy'n ffyrdd trwy fy wyf pan fyddaf ar ffôn.

Ac wedyn, dwi'n cael ei ddweud yn dda i ddwngu. Dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n dweud, dwi'n d and you have to breathe through your mouth. If you've got a cold. Well, yeah, that's one time. But then there's times when you're like, I have to breathe through my mouth because I can't breathe through my nose. Right. And I just find it really... I find it personally really hard to breathe through my mouth. Really? So the fact that you're just on the regs deciding, relaxing to breathe.

I'm not deciding. It's just happening. I can't... I don't know why, I don't know why I do it. I feel very relaxed when it's happening. But then, yeah. I'm glad you're relaxed,

but it's not nice. I feel massively self-conscious after you lean over and just flick me head like a fucking Pez dispenser. Shut your mouth. Right, I'll amend this in the future. Thank you. It's time for Questions from the Public. this in the future. Thank you.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmardenoid at gmail.com. Send us literally whatever you want because some of it is bloody fantastic.

Some of it is not. Some of it is utter drivel, but that's fine. Well, that's fine. I've been going back, back in the archives. Really? Yeah. Taking it back now, y'all. Hashtag throwback Thursday, et cetera.

All of them. Yeah. Throwback. Come on, then. Oh, God. What? I didn't know where that was going. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Do you think it's okay for guys to have a female best friend and vice versa? I've been with my girlfriend for just under a year now and she still isn't completely comfortable with me having a female best friend. So this is, I'm guessing this is a man and a woman. Yes, so I've been with my girlfriend and he's got a female best friend. Right, okay. I've been open about it from the start, and they've even met each other. Yet, whenever I see her,

or if we go for lunch or a coffee, it's always met with slight jealousy from my girlfriend, and she goes in a huff. According to her, it's not usual for guys and girls to be best mates. Any advice on what to do as it does my head in? Please don't read my name slash email because she listens to the podcast. Thanks!

What do you think? What's your thoughts, feelings, admirations, etc? I am from a group of friends when I was younger and we never, it was all boys. We were all boys. There was no, but that was mainly

because we were losers. I'm sure we would have liked to have girls in the group but there was no girls in the group there was no girls wanted to come to my house

and play Halo on floor on four screen split player it's weird that yeah yeah do you know why they didn't want to come

floor player split four player split screen hey thanks for coming everyone great do you know do you know why the girls didn't want to come why because those bedrooms always stunk Four player split screen. Hey, thanks for coming, everyone. Great. Do you know why the girls didn't want to come? Why?

Because those bedrooms always stunk. Ah, right, yeah. I've been in them bedrooms with boys playing computer games and it just stinks and you get ignored. And honestly, you're sat there and you think, I could be doing a lot of better stuff, but you still stay. I could be drinking Lambrini in the cemetery here. Well, a lot more fun. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I have never had a female best friend uh apart from obviously you know me mom and i was gonna see you um i'm not your best friend yeah yeah but um no i i don't i feel like it is immature it could be looked upon as immature to be like, well, you can't be best friends with someone of the opposite sex, but I kind of get where she's coming from. Do you know what I mean? I kind of do get it. Although I'm sure it's absolutely platonic and there's nothing wrong,

but I can understand why she's jealous is what I'm saying. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a male best friend who wasn't gay. No, I've had best friends who've been gay but not straight male best friends no friends who are male, yes

but no, it is a bit strange I don't think I I'm not a jealous person but I don't think I would be comfortable if your best friend was female I don't know, I don't know why are we really I don't know probably I don't know why. Yeah, are we really? Are we stupid? There's probably people listening thinking, well, that's ridiculous.

So would it upset you if I had a female best friend? Possibly, but then I feel like I would end up being good friends with her. Oh, okay. I don't know. I don't know. I've never been in that situation. So listen, if you want to be my best friend and you are a female, apply now. And we'll just wind Rosie up about it.

And that'll be good. How about that? I don't agree with this at all. That would be awful. Please don't. I can't be arsed with a friend. I don't want any friends. I've got enough.

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It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com hello chris and rosie my name is alfie hello alfie alfie alfie oh hello alfie sorry alfie i got too excited alfie you You said Alfie again. Alfie. Alfie. Hello. Great. Oh, sorry, this isn't a phone, is it?

No, there's nobody there. This is an email, which I've copied and pasted onto a document. So it's even less communal, if that makes sense. I'm trying to use some big words, what with writing the book and that. I'm really trying to broaden my vocabulary. Communal is the wrong word. I know. to use some big words with writing the book and that. I'm really trying to broaden my vocabulary. Camilla was the wrong word.

I know. That's what I mean. It's not working at all. I'm trying. Our book's going to be like you know in Friends where Dewey uses a thesaurus for his letter

and he signs off baby kangaroo. That's going to be our book, isn't it? The chapters you do are going to be just fucking gobbledygook. Chris, I put an Instagram

post on yesterday because I was working from bed and I was buzzing and wrote something on my computer screen and I took a picture of it and put it on. I wrote it wrong and somebody corrected us. It was like, it was so embarrassing. So I put a picture

of the laptop screen and this is what I'd wrote on the laptop screen. It said, Chad Brandon Oyd dash the book. There will hopefully be loads of funny stuff wrote here the end and then somebody corrected us in

written yeah and I thought oh shit so I thought you were going to say it was the wrong they

oh no I'm good at that I've got the yours the they's I've got them all down but it was it's like the past

what is that oh there we go no exactly you bowled into that and then you bottled it instantaneously just really terrible with grammar but we've got an editor who's gonna go through it and she'll correct that she works for penguin so that'll be nice she's a heavy hitter she'll be cool she knows what she's doing she knows her stuff so don't worry about it i know wrote the written and the blending and the borrowings will all be sorted out. Patience gets me.

Hospital patients or... Patience. Oh, I know that one. Oh, I don't know that one. I wrote that one wrong the other day. Wow. Ugh. Should we just knock it on the head?

Let's just not bother. We'll barely fucking speak on this podcast, let alone put it down in a book form. What are we doing? Listen, it'll be great. Do you want to hear about Alfie? Yeah. My name is Alfie.

When I was seven, I had a friend called Matthew. And like many kids kids we used to play a fight in the garden one day we were wrestling each other i picked up a hard folding chair and slammed the tip of it into his ribs as hard as i could i cracked one of his ribs and bruised another and then god lord intense isn't it and then with my brother a week, I threw him off of our trampoline and onto a hard wooden table, which didn't break, but his back nearly did. God, heavens. I was banned from watching any wrestling. I was just about to say, wrestling.

Someone's mom had Sky. Yeah, and I wasn't allowed to go to Matthew's house for three weeks. So my question for you is, have you ever badly hurt one of your friends slash relatives by accident but on purpose or am I just a murderer in the making? Holy shit. That's Alfie.

Alfie's a psychopath. That was madness. Alfie's just a young lad who watched wrestling too young. Yeah. Should be watching wrestling at seven. Yeah, I suppose like, yeah. You know. Good God.

It reminded me though of a story and I don't know if you know this. When I was five, my brother Kevin was like three or two and a half or three. We were getting the bathroom done and the metal door handle was not on the door. It was on the shelf. Yeah. My brother picked it up and smashed it on the back of my head. And it split my head open. I had to go to hospital.

I think you've mentioned it. Oh, nah, nah. It's intense, isn't it? It's like a metal, basically like an L shape, like a door handle, like a long door handle. Yeah, like a full on metal door handle. Oh my God. Heavy. It was gold colour, but I don't think, well obviously it wasn't gold because we weren't

very well off, but it was like sprayed gold. No, Rosie, everyone who listens to the podcast and me, we knew you meant brass. Like brass. That's what I meant, brass. No one's going, yeah, that'll be the gold, solid gold fixings in their Sandra's palace. It wasn't real gold.

Fuck me. Brass. Like every other door handle in the North East in the 90s, it was brass. Well, that's heavy though, isn't it? Is that heavier than metal? Sorry, is brass heavier than metal? Is that the question you just asked us? Maybe. You know what? Brass is a metal.

Metal is the group. Gold is a metal. Silver is a metal. Brass is a metal. It's just a group of metal. Oh, of course. The worst bit is you're not listening. That's the worst bit. I am listening. No, because I'll ask you this in a couple of days and you'll go, I don't know what you're talking about. And I'll go, I remember I told you. You switch off.

Ask me about groups of metal and I'll tell you all of them. There's copper, steel, aluminium. Right, yeah, okay. Are they all metals? I think they're all metals, yeah.

Thank you. Good God. Anyway, yeah, he smacked it. You know someone's going to, I'm like, that's the thing with the internet and putting this out there. You know someone's going to correct me. You know someone's going,

actually, such and such falls under the subcategory of an alloy. I'm like, oh God. Well, maybe you shouldn't try and correct me then,

eh Chris? I know, but I feel like I need to try at least sometimes, otherwise it's just going to be like absolute fucking nonsense more than it actually already is. Well,

listen, it just puts me off because they're different colours. But that's fine. I'm glad that I'm learning. Hey, I'm learning. So he hit us with a bit of metal

and split me head open. I've just kicked a bit of metal on the bottom of the table. Karma. But the day wasn't completely ruined because with any hospital trip when I was younger, my dad brought a happy meal in. Wow.

Both Kev won and I like, which I was raging about. The bloody assault. GBH Kev won and I like What? Which I was raging about The bloody assault Aye GBH Kev The assault her And the assault he Both got the same prize I know

At least I hope he took the toy out of his And threw it away No you got it Aye Full on got it Rosie I've got you a happy meal Kev I've got you A plain burger

No fries I've got you a bowl of gruel. I've got two things to tell you. Did I ever tell you when I was in hospital, they thought I had a burst of blood vessel in my brain? I don't know. Why are you laughing? Why?

How dare you? Why did you immediately start pissing yourself laughing? I don't know. I think it's like... That's absolutely terrible. I can't believe this. Chris, I'm sorry. I can't believe it.

I was like a nervous reaction. You've never told me that. You thought you... Yeah. Because I thought you were going to say a birth to blood vessel like in your neck or something, not your brain. No, no. Sorry, that's quite serious. I don't not your brain. No, no, yeah.

Sorry, that's quite serious. I don't mean to laugh. It was when I was a top flight amateur boxer for those two fights I had that I got beaten in. Oh, I hate it when you talk about boxing. Your boxing days. Oh, God. Oh, Rosie, do you know when I used to box, I used to have to run up and down the beach like 25 times. No, no. 100% record, two used to have to run up and down the beach like 25 times. No, no.

100% record. Two fights, two losses. Packed it in. Mugs game. Tell us about your first blood vessel. So I went to Gypsy Screen, the stadium, the track, the running track. The running track. On a Saturday morning.

And I was like running. I just got this like shooting pain in my head. Like unbelievable. And I went to the doctor's about, it was like two days later. I went to the doctor's about, I was like, I I just got this like shooting pain in my head, like unbelievable. And I went to the doctor's about it was like two days later, I went to the doctor's about I was like, I've still got this mad headache. And then they were like, Oh, what happened? And I was like, Oh, I was running and it just instantly happened while I was running. They were like, Oh, and I go to the hospital.

I was like, and I went into admissions water hospital. I had to like stay overnight because apparently like an instant shooting pain. Did you get a stay over? Oh, see see you're jealous I wouldn't give anything to stay in hospital overnight

honestly had to stay overnight admissions war had to stay overnight I had to have a brain scan

and I had to have a lumbar puncture where they put the thing in the back of your spine why don't I

know this I don't know what was it I was hungover that's what the headache was I'd been out drinking on a Friday night and then I'd went training the next morning? I was hungover. That's what the headache was. I'd been out drinking on a Friday night, and then I'd went training the next morning,

and I was trying to do too much while I was hungover. Oh, I'm sorry. It was literally a hangover. Bleeding the NHS dry. Yeah, terrible. Absolutely terrible. And you got kept in overnight for that? Because of it happening instantly,

but it probably didn't happen instantly. The alcohol wore off off and I probably realised I don't know I was like 19 or 17 19 aye 19

lying to the services I wasn't lying I was in agony but it you had a hangover it was just it was terrible innit

but Chris you are mollycoddled but but can I just say the main reason

I'm talking about this is, my dad brought us a pizza to the hospital. Oh, dear. Right? Brought us a 12-inch margarita from Gills to the hospital, right? Yeah. Carried it under his arm like a book.

Oh, that's not good. So that's what I'm trying to get at here. That was the real victim. Literally carried it. Why did he do that? Like you would carry a laptop. It was like a fucking calzone when it came. But your mum and dad don't get takeaways.

I didn't know how to carry it. He didn't know how to carry your pizza. He just carried it. I was like, what the fuck is this? It looked like he'd been hit by a car. I know, but this is the same man who eats an egg off a plate without his hands. Yeah, he doesn't care.

Doesn't give a shit. And I forgot the other story I was going to tell you You got it Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hi Rosie and Chris In a restaurant My husband loves Perusing the menu

And making his choice Based on the descriptions He gets really annoyed Like toddler tantrum annoyed If his dish arrives And it's not as promised Oh For example

One He ordered lamb shank based on the sound of the rosemary roasted potatoes that came with it. It arrived with boiled potatoes. That is annoying to be fair. Very annoying. I'll give him that. They nearly got thrown at the wall, she said.

Wow. Two, he ordered a prawn cocktail starter because it was a hot day and he liked the sound of the iceberg lettuce wedge it came with. It arrived with rocket salad. Sorry, no, I'm not on his side anymore. He's with a knob. You wouldn't believe the disappointment on his face.

Three. Talk about first world problems. He ordered beer-battered fish and chips in a gastro pub. It looked amazing. When it arrived, they'd put dill in the batter, which he can't eat. I think this might have broken him. Wow.

So what is your most disappointing food disaster in a restaurant and how did you react? Oh, wow. Wow. What's yours? I love him. The first one that jumps to mind for me, and it's weird because I was drunk,

and this is how bad the food was. Right. It was on me stag do, right? Yeah. Me and a friend of the podcast, Carl Hutchinson. Don't offer. Honestly. I know, I know.

Please. I'm sorry, right? I'm sorry. Let's go. He's my only friend outside this room, right? I do love Carl a lot lot but it's getting ridiculous. Well look, this story isn't about him.

It's about me mainly and some food. So there was this place near the hotel in Portugal, Albufeira, called Tony's Pizzeria.

Oh, sounds classy. Classy little joint. Oh God, right. So we'd go there. It was literally open like three in the morning. You would go there and they'd be cooking all kinds.

Yeah. And we, everyone's just getting pizzas and stuff but we decided me and carl because we're you know because we're a couple of pains in the arse we said let's get spaghetti bolognese from the pizzeria at three o'clock in the morning yeah that's not that's not a sensible idea i don't know why we did it um we'd already had a couple of hot dogs on the strip as well from the little hot dog van so i don't know why i don't know why we did this anyway got the midnight munchies yeah

so I remember saying oh you know can I get some two spaghetti bolognas and like a pizza to share between us because we're big fat pigs and

what happened was I went and sat at the table for a bit and I went up to see what was going on and I watched the guy bearing in mind

me expectations were low because it was three in the morning and I was drunk and this was a pizzeria and I was just going to get some pasta to soak some of the lager up. Yeah. He was pouring pre-ground mince, frozen sort of pre-ground mince,

into the pot from what I can only describe as a cement bag. What do you mean? It was fucking massive. It was the biggest bag I've ever seen. And he was holding it like a giant pillowcase. Just a nondescript blue,

like a blue bag. And he was just like, and it was just like this frozen sort of ground mince sort of, yeah, cat food stuff was like pouring into this pan. And I like looked

and I went, is that the mince? And he was like, yes, it'll not be long. And he just like, totally not, totally nonplussed that I'd look. And he was pouring it in and I walked back over and I went, is that the mince? And he was like, yes, it'll not be long. And he just totally nonplussed that I'd looked. And he was pouring it in and I walked back over and I went,

Carl, he's pouring it in out of a fucking, what looks like a giant blue pillowcase. I was like, this is an absinthe. And it came and it was one of the worst things I've ever eaten in my life. Did you eat it? No, we're drunk, we had a couple of mouthfuls of it. And the whole story ends with Carl,

as we're walking out, Carl turned around and shouted, Tony's Pizzeria Tony should be locked up and then we both ran off down the street Listen Bad boys for life You two

don't mess with them Ramsey's Kitchen neighbors Bad boys, bad boys what you're gonna do what you're gonna do when they come for you well you'll be locked up what's yours my well my disasters in restaurants is whenever i order the seafood pasta get really excited oh yeah so i've got cheese on yeah always got cheese on and i want to cry, because why would you put cheese on a seafood pasta? You are plagued. You are plagued by surprise cheese, aren't you?

All the time. Everywhere you go, they stick a bit of cheese in. I tell them that I'm allergic to it now, so that they don't put it on. Another friend of the podcast, Jason Cook, he says it's really fucking irritating going for a meal with him. So irritating when he does it, but it does going for a meal with him so irritating when he does it

but it does work yeah because it sticks in the head he says he does it with mushrooms and he does it with cheese right so he'll say

can I have the burger please no cheese I can't have cheese or I'll die wow that's what he actually says that's good though can I get that

no mushrooms he looks them in the eye and he goes I can't have mushrooms or I'll die right and i'm like fucked it i'm like so embarrassed but it works because it sticks in their mind yeah people always say no this no that you know none of that can you take that away can i have it without the sauce or whatever and they go all right but if you look if you're brass brash enough to look them in the eye and go i'll die if i have that like the chances are they're going to remember

when they get back to the kitchen. Really serious allergy. Absolutely mortifying to be around when he does it, but it does work. I might try it. I can have the cheese toasty, please, but no cheese or I'll die. Do you want some toast?

Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, guys. I seem to always be the one that witnesses disgusting stuff that my mates don't believe. Strangely, they always happen on the train. Get in. One of my favourite examples is,

one time on the train out of London, a lady got on with her guide dog and sat diagonally in front of me across the aisle. At the next stop, a Mick hucknall doppelganger got on and sat behind her and her impeccably behaved dog what happened next i'm sure would be classed as some sort of abuse oh he started to fuss the dog the dog got more vigorous and he was really getting into it getting his hands right into the fur. I think he rubbed the... Sorry!

What the hell's happening here? This is what it says. He stroked a dog. So he's stroking the dog. First of all, can I say, don't stroke a working dog. If it's a guide dog or if it's a, what do you call it,

an assistance dog, ask the owner first. Is that what you do? You've got to. You can't just start... Yeah, totally. Say to the owner, is it okay if I stroke dog, ask the owner first. Is that what you do? You got to. You can't just start. Yeah, totally. Say to the owner, is it okay if I stalk your dog?

Yeah. That's a lot of work. They're grafting. They're grafting? Exactly. He might get his hours docked. Oh, poor baby. So he's getting his hands right in the fur.

Right. I think he rubbed the dog for a solid 15 minutes. Right. At this point, I'd say his hands needed a good wash. Right. Okay. Oh, no.

He sat back in his seat and proceeded to suck each finger like it was coated in sticky sauce. Oh! Yeah. Oh, no! Yeah, so he's been right in that fur. And now he's sat in his seat and he's licking all of his fingers, getting that juicy fur goodness off.

Goodness. And they're oily dogs, them. Labradors and that. I'm assuming it's a Labrador. Guide dogs are normally Labradors. Yeah, possibly. Labradors and sort of Rottweilers and stuff, they get a bit of oil on them.

Yeah, that's what he's doing. Oh, my God. See, I thought straight away, I thought I was going to have to cut you off. I thought you were going to say he stroked the dog and then he ate a sandwich without washing his hands. And I was like, Rosie I thought I was going to have to cut you off. I thought you were going to say he stroked the dog, then he ate a sandwich without washing his hands. And I was like, Rosie, dog lovers are going to email in and say, you don't have to wash your hands.

Some dogs are cute, blah, blah, blah. But that is just perverted. No, no, he's licking it. He's deliberately went right in on this dog. He's essentially, he's licked the dog by proxy. Absolutely, yeah. If you call the middleman out of the hands, he's basically licked her dog on a train.

He's one step above Catwoman. Yeah. Can me mate lick your dog? Oh, I need to tell you the dog story. Have I told this before? No. Have I not told you the dog story? Oh, I think you might have, but do it anyway.

Oh, right. Okay. So I used to work in a band and we used to tour around the country and we worked with a girl called Lisa and she was quite young and naive, but I mean, she's not anymore. She was just married in that now, but she was so lovely. And we were once driving through a village, and there was a dog walking along, and the dog had its tongue hanging out the side of its mouth, like...

And so, out of nowhere, she looked at the dog, and then looked at us and went, That dog's hot as out so from then on uh lisa fancied dogs right yeah so every dog we were like oh lisa so hot as out so as out if anyone who doesn't get the northeast phrase there uh so as out it's like af like as fuck kind of thing as out would be a family friendly version you know i'm hot as out i'm i'm hot as fuck kind of thing but yeah that is our dogs apologies if that's already been said but oh my god i love that it's one of my favorite things that's ever happened when you just think

oh i'm so glad you said that and i was here to hear that. Back to this. So, yeah. So, the guy's watching this guy lick his fingers. Oh, sorry, no, this is a girl, it's Becky who sent this in. I felt dirty just watching him. The guide dog kept looking round

as if he felt dirty about it too. No, he didn't. Oh, no. No, the dog didn't know. Oh, the poor dog. The dog didn't know. He's literally being assaulted on public transport.

The dog didn't know. The lady that owned the dog obviously had no clue that she was blind. So the whole experience was just horrific. That is the perfect crime, isn't it? I know. I bet he does it all the time. Whenever he sees a guide dog, I bet he can't answer it. That's disgusting, that.

Horrible, isn't it? That must be his thing. What a dog perv. Have I ever told you about the time I was on the metro? I was coming back from Newcastle. I worked in all sports at the time and a mate of mine who used to come in all the time on a Saturday and speak to us and stand with his girlfriend.

His girlfriend, that girl, was sitting in the next carriage. So I knew her, but I didn't know her enough to go, oh hello, I'll sit next to you. It was just mate's girlfriend who came into the shop. This young chavava lad this sort of tracksuit wearing drunk lad got on and he sat opposite her right and he just was like he wasn't

like threatening but he was just like yeah it was like it was it was the worst pickup attempt i've ever seen he was literally in like a proper newcastle charva accent he was just gonna yeah you're like absolutely lush you like and she was just like sitting and i mean she must have felt a bit but he wasn't being horrendous but he was like you're all lush oh yeah i'd love to go and take you out for a drink and that you want to come out with me and she was like i've got a boyfriend he was like oh and then you just sort of sat there going he's the luckiest bloke in the world yeah if you ever finish with your boyfriend gives a ring right i'll be straight down and all this and i sat like pissing my pants watching he got off

the metro right and i immediately stood up and i walked along to her and just as the doors shut i turned and looked at him and i sat down and i put my arm around her and she was laughing i was laughing and he he looked fucking devastated just as like a fuck you to him for getting on and sort of like getting on and bothering her and like i sort of walked down and i nodded and she nodded at me and i like looked at him and i sat down and i put my arm and i looked at him out the window and he looked honestly like he was gonna cry i love that it was quality i wonder what his success rate is i don't know but i've i've never i i forgot about that until you just told until you just told that story. Well done. I've never felt cooler in my life. So good.

That reminds me, just hearing you do that Jodie lad voice. Do you remember when we were younger and you'd be somewhere and people would just go around going, yeah, will you snog me mate? Oh, yeah, will you snog me mate? Come on. Oh, yeah, snog me mate. And you'd be like, no, I will not snog your mate.

But thank you for asking. Snog is a kiss with tongues, if anyone in the whole world... Like a French kiss. Yeah, like a, yeah, yeah. But it happens so often. Everywhere I went, somebody was just asking to snog someone.

There must have been ulcers and everything. Sorry, everywhere you went, someone was asking to snog someone. It just been ulcers and everything sorry everywhere you went someone was asking to snog someone it just happened loads why wasn't her at these places why was her in the house

playing Halo with me three of you maybe she should have left why wasn't her why wasn't her in places where people are getting asked to snog each other left right and centre

everywhere that we went I've missed out I feel like I've missed the January sales yeah honestly everywhere we went people were just saying yeah will you snog me mate i never did everywhere you went i i swear i absolutely swear

it was almost every weekend no i won't now can we get back to the lesson sir let's talk about shit baby let's talk about poo and we let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits, all the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about shit. Get ready. With a little bit of shit. You pointed at us. I was honest.

I was geared up so much there. Useless. You pointed at us. You pointed at us. Then you said, get ready. So on the point, I was like, Oh much there. Oh, useless. You are useless. You pointed at us. Then you said, get ready. So on the point, I was like, oh, we're the little... Oh. If it went right, I'd be worried.

Don't even re-record it. I had my chance. Oh, yeah. Back by popular... You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. You better lose yourself in the music.

Don't get it started on 9am. Back by popular demand yeah thought people wouldn't like this section oh god

people love it oh man yeah it's you know a little filthy story why a little bit of

muck for you keep you going over the weekend bit poo dance hi Chris and Rosie my poo story

great in words my best mate was a beaver leader Hi Chris and Rosie My poo story Great In words My best mate was a beaver leader Sorry? A beaver leader A beaver leader Yeah Six to eight years old

Six to eight year olds Before they go to Cubs Then Scouts are called Beavers. What, like the Pied Piper? But the Beaver Leader. It's just so weird. A Beaver Leader. What the hell?

What the hell's going on? The Beaver Leader. It's a real thing. My son was one of the Beavers. Follow the Beaver, Beaver, Beaver. Follow the Beaver. My son was one of the beavers follow the beaver beaver beaver follow the beaver um my son was one of the beavers and they were sorry a friend sorry to interrupt again a friend was a beaver leader and our son was a beaver yeah so like a like a scout leader but beavers before cubs and scouts jesus christ six to eight year olds before they go to cubs and then scouts

did you ever do any of them no does it sound like I did any of them? No. I don't know what the hell's going on. Oh, that I loved you. Fucking animals are farther than wood around here. Oh, goodness. So my son was one of the Beavers, and there was going to be a big trip to London to see the sights, and then sleep on the Golden Hind,

which is a Tudor ship on the River Thames. Oh, right, okay. I didn't know you could sleep on them. Weird. Strange. She asked me to come along as a parent helper, and I thought, why not? Why not, eh?

Cheeky little trip to London. Oh, God. Part of the trip was going on the London Eye. Each pod of the London Eye holds around 25 people, so the organisers of the trip decided to split our group, which was 30 people in total, into two groups of 15. This meant that we were in two pods next to each other, but we also had around 10 members of the public

in each pod with us. Public, public, public. Do you know what, like three times now during this story, I've forgot it's in the Let's Talk About Shit section and I've remembered and got scared. And I'm scared again. Yeah, it's in the, it's in the, oh God. It involves feces.

Come on then. I was in the first pod with my friend and, it's in the... Oh, God. It involves feces. Come on, then. I was in the first pod with my friend and the other leaders in the second pod. The London Eye takes around 30 to 35 minutes to do a full rotation of the thing. Oh, God. No, it's not my cup of tea. I'm all right for that, like. I know, me too.

I'm absolutely all right for the London Eye. Well, I'm terrified of heights, so I just don't think I would enjoy it. I'm just all right for it. I'm like... Oh, yeah. Look, Well, I'm terrified of heights, so I just don't think I would enjoy it. I'm just all right for it. I'm like... Oh, yeah. Look, there's us and 35 other people. Great.

What can you see? Stuff. It must be quite nice, though. It's something to do, isn't it? How much is it? I don't know. Is it expensive? I reckon it'd be pretty expensive.

Anyway, we've never done it. I'm just all right for them. I'm all right for Ferris wheels and that. Me too. I hate them. I started putting them up in all the... Every city had one at one point. Yeah. There was one in Manchester, like, right

next to the shopping centre. I could barely see over the top of the shopping centre. We've never had one. What's that for? I mean, there's even less to see up here. Crikey. There's a wall somewhere. Adrian's wall. About halfway through,

my friend's phone rings her face went white and she started looking at the other pod when she hung up she started to laugh it took her ages to be able to get the story out to me the call was from one of the leaders

in the pod behind us one of the beavers had done an explosive diarrhea oh my god and literally poo was pouring out of his trousers and onto the floor of the pod. Oh no.

You need to bear in mind that these pods are sealed, no windows and you can't obviously get out as you are high in the sky looking at London. This is what tickled me, right? So obviously that's disgusting. Apologies, but this is the funny one.

This is the funny bit. Everyone in this pod moved to one end and when I looked up to see them, there were adults and children pushed against the glass trying to suck some fresh air from any gaps there. I'm begging you. to suck some fresh air from any gaps there. That's fucking amazing. Oh, God, it probably tilted.

It probably tilted to one side. Oh, God. The poor members of the public who had paid a lot of money to go on this ride in queue for ages only to be trapped inside an airless box with a beaver's absolutely wonderful that's from joel thank you joe hey hey hey joe thank you mate as it's backed by popular demand shall we expand this section because I know you mentioned to me that you had Possibly another poo question

Do you want another one Should we just throw them both in here Like two children Shitting all over the London Eye They're in here together Here we go Hi Rosie and Chris I have a poo related story I have been meaning to tell you

What is this podcast I've been meaning to tell you Literally on a this podcast? I've been meaning to tell you. Literally on a to-do list. Did you think this is what you would be doing? Yeah. Did you really? I told you I had a game in infants. I had a game that me and my friend did called the Poo Pants Brothers.

Oh yes. You'd crouch down and run around and just go... The joke was that you're just basically jumping around while making a poo noise. you'd like crouch down and run around and just go, and like the joke was that just, it's just basically jumping around while making a pummel noise. We also had, um,

puerilator things at school. Yeah. When I went to school, there was the diarrhea corner and you'd play a tag and whoever lost had to be put in the diarrhea corner and it was a corner of the wall and you just put it in the wall like diarrhea. And that was it. True story. Right. Okay. So it was a corner of the wall. And you just put it in. They were like, diarrhea. And that was it. True story. Right, okay.

So there was no diarrhea. It was just called the diarrhea corner. It wasn't like a brown stain on the wall. No, no. It was just the diarrhea. See? It was just the diarrhea corner. Kids obsessed with it.

Oh, was it the poo corner? And I've never grown up. I've never grown up. It was one of them. Come on then. What's the next one? Okay. It was a lovely spring afternoon.

So I decided to go for a walk alone. On my way back, I went through a little lane that ran behind a park. Towards the end of this route home, there was a 90 degree angled corner going around someone's back garden. The corner is blind. So there I was walking along, minding my own business, listening to a podcast. As I rounded the corner, my path was obstructed. There was someone squatting in the middle of the path, taking a shit. Oh, no, man.

Yeah. A grown-up. Well. Oh. Listen to this. Time stopped. The man locked eyes with me. Man.

Mid-shite. I watched in horror, in slow slow motion as the stool he had been producing finished curling out and fell to the ground i'm gonna be sick oh my god that portion of the encounter can't have taken more than five seconds but it felt like five years as the turd hit the ground the spell was broken. Time started again. The man tried to stand up straight, pulling up his monkey jeans whilst mumbling at me,

sorry, oh, man, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, the shame. He might not have been Geordie, I don't know. Oh, God, what are you doing? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, hey, sorry about that, love.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry about that. In the same way that if you do that thing when you walk towards someone and they go left and you go right and he's at the same way. Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry you just had to see us knocking out a chod

in the middle of the public. See, I think he said it really upset. Yeah. I think he's crying going, sorry, you just had to see us knocking out a chod in the middle of the public. See, I think he said it really upset. Yeah. I think he's crying going, sorry. I'm so sorry, man. I'm sorry, but if you get, what, an 80 quid fine for urinating in public? If you're caught shitting in public, you should be put in jail for a day. What, have you really?

Anyway, let's carry on. No, let's not carry on for a second. Let's just think he should be in prison. Come on. I don't think it's a prisonable offence. We're not going to agree on this. I don't think it is. You know what I mean?

I'd rather do it in my pants and just go home. Right. Well, good luck. What have we become? Thanks for asking. Thanks for asking. Thanks for asking Put that in me record of achievement This is not what I thought my life would be

I don't know why I said that I wish I hadn't said that Right I shielded my eyes and walked past Whilst amongst yelling it's okay It's okay It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay stranger yo crap away while realizing that i couldn't say anything that he could wipe his bum with

i was scarred for life that day in recounting this story to other people i learned that i am not the only person to have count to have encountered this man squatting on the path. I have now affectionately dubbed him as the serial shitter of this place. Sorry, so it's the same guy? Yeah, probably. People keep seeing him. What the hell's the matter with him? He's just must get his kicks out of dumping in the street.

That is... And apologising. He didn't even pick it up. If you do it that often, take a poo bag with your sunshine, have some in your pocket. Dog owners have to do it. Someone has stood in that, someone out there,

possibly just like this, probably not, has stood in that and went, bloody dogs, and it wasn't even a dog. And it was him. It was a stinking, horrible, dirty man. Human turd. Horrendous. Horrendous. What, again, I'll close the show with me catchphrase,

what's wrong with everyone? Once again, thank you so, so much for listening. Thank you for coming back each week. Please like, rate and subscribe this podcast. We love you guys. Yeah, thank you so much. It's still lovely that you all listen. It's still really nice.

Thank you. The book is being written. Apparently. We're cracking on with that. Yeah, we are making each other laugh quite a lot, though, while we're doing that. Joking aside, we are having a good time, aren't we? It's absolutely wonderful, and it's going to be the best book that's ever been wrote. Well, that's ridiculous.

Lower your expectations. It's available now for pre-order. I meant it's the best book that's ever been written, I think. I was hoping you were going to notice that someone was messaging. No, I think, is it written, wrote, wrote, written? I think. I was hoping you were going to notice someone was messaging. No, I think, is it written? Wrote? Written? Uh, wrote it. I think it's wrote it. The best book that's ever been wrote in the history of all

wrote books. There we go. On papier. Nailed it. Nailed it. Thank you. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.