Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 52. One in Thirty

Episode Date: February 21, 2020

This week Chris and Rosie have been enlightened with some very on brand statistics...Barry's back and they get anecdotes from a real life member of the public and a doctor. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday.

Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my brother from another mother, Chris Ramsey. Bit weird. That's not good. That's horrible. I nearly said best friend. Is it weird that I'd have found that even more?

I'd have been like, why are you calling us your best friend in front of people? It's really weird. I know we always stop here, but you probably are my best friend because I spend the most time with you. Loser. You're a massive loser. I know we always stop here, but you probably are my best friend because I spend the most time with you. Loser.

You're a massive loser. Oh, no. No, God, it's going to hurt us. You're probably my best friend. Yeah, we're your best friends. BFFs. Give us a little handshake. A little handshake. Love you.

Let's have sex later. Goodness me. No, you don't do that with your friends. That's how you ruin friendships. That's your best friend. That's how you ruin friendships. That's how you ruin friendships. Welcome, guys. It is episode 52. As always, thank you for still listening. Welcome if you're just listening. Like, rate and subscribe and all that shit.

But before we continue, a word from this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Wisdom Teeth. What? I'll write. This week's sponsor is Wisdom Teeth Hey Is your mouth fine? You got enough teeth? Think again Here come your fucking wisdom teeth Absolutely pointless

Happy birthday Do the bollocks come in in one go? They come in bit by bit A little bit there and a little bit more Leave a little bit of flap at the top. A little flap of skin on the top, don't they? A little flap of gumskin.

Eh? Hey, hey. Don't have a flap, Jack. Or it'll stay there. Eh? It will. It will. Popcorn.

Pop... Oh, hey. Eh? The kryptonite. The kryptonite of the wisdom tooth. Popcorn. Don't. Honestly.

Wisdom teeth. Pointless. Mine have never come in. What? I've not got any. You must have. I don't think I have. This is really weird.

I'm very hard, though. This is a really weird way to start the podcast, but can I put your finger in your mouth and check? Are they clean? My fingers? Uh-huh. Probably. Yeah, go on.

Let's have a little feel. Fucking hell, you haven't. No, I haven't got any. It's there, but it's under the gum at the back. Oh, yeah, they haven't come out. Are they meant to? What's wrong with but it's under the gum at the back. Oh yeah, they haven't come out. Are the men new? What's wrong with us? Are you 13 years old?

Am I going to prison? You are not, because I'm not 13. All this before the jingle. Oh my goodness, yes, the chick. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap Jingle! Hello and welcome back to Shag Maridanoid. Thanks for coming back. If this is the first one that you're listening to, then you might want to go back to the beginning because it might not make sense. I know it might to be fair, but... Well, I mean, I've got a funny feeling. I don't want to give anything away. And I wouldn't want to be 100% certain about it.

I've got a funny feeling. When the beef section comes, without any prior reading, I don't know what you've got in store today, but without any prior reading i don't know what you've got in store today but without any prior reading i don't think the beef section will make sense unless you've heard the rest of the podcast no idea what you're talking about brilliant well there we go so yeah if you're confused go back and listen to some others because it's going to be just i'm gonna say painful that's that's rude what's rude yeah i thought thought you didn't know what I was talking about Painful Yeah Talking about Characters From the podcast Look at you

You're breaking the fourth wall Shit Yes What are you doing? How are you? How's your week been? Do you know what? It's been good

Currently on my period Cool Currently bleeding from my vagina That's why That's why the house has been a little bit Moody Yeah I've had A little bit tense

Horrific PMT A little bit tenseody. Yeah, I've had horrific PMT. A little bit tense. But do you know what it is? Eggshells. No, I know, but I do know that I'm doing it, though, and I do say sorry. Oh, after. I was after. I was after I've been shouted at.

No. Oh, yeah. Maybe just momentarily after. We should have a code word, like... Get out the fucking house and go stay in a hotel for four days, Chris. Possibly. It's more like two weeks, let's be honest. Oh, I think we've talked about it before.

There's only about four days when you're not either on your period or due on your period in an entire month. I've known nothing like it. I'm sick of my life. I'm going to go to the doctors. I think I've got PMDD. The hell is that? Oh, I've said it and I don't know.

Great. Hang on. No, it's... Hang on. I'm going to tell you. It's premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Got you. That's what I've got.

Okay. So I'm looking forward to having it diagnosed and finally being able to say it. That's what I'll just shout. If I'm being horrible, I'll just go, PMDD! Yeah, well, I mean, I look forward to you not being able to blame yourself for it.

I look forward to you being able to blame it on something else. That's great. I know it's me. Listen, listen. You're going to pop the doctor's and get yourself a get-out-of-jail-free card, are you? He has a note from me doctor. That's why I'm being an arsehole. I'm going to.

I'm going to have one of those notes. Oh, there you are. You'll be buzzing. I can't wait. If I was wanting to be ill, you'd be over the moon. The day you get diagnosed, you'll be loving it, wouldn't you? Like, oh, have I really got that doctor? Is's any chance i can get a certificate saying i've got it and i'll frame it because i haven't got my record of achievement anymore

i'm just thinking as well you know i went upstairs to get something for the burn in the loft the other day i'm 99 sure your record of achievement is in the loft shut up in our loft yeah yeah where yeah how up there somewhere i guarantee i remember i can remember no way yeah yeah where? yeah how? just up there somewhere I remember I can remember saying it no way yeah yeah yeah really? I think it's up there very sparse

very sparse would you be able to honest to god almost empty but why I haven't seen it for years why have you got it? I think we've mentioned before

I just remember you moved into the bungalow with me when I had my bungalow because I'm cool Chris like Chris started off really really strange

on his house journey. Started off in a bungalow. Modern bungalow. And the street was just full of the elderly. Youngest person in the street by easily four or five decades. Oh, it was brilliant. I was in the back corner, so no one knew. It was a nice modern bungalow.

I do remember, not a name drop here, but I remember when Ed Sheeran came up to stay with me when he did that gig for her. And I do remember he was very, very concerned that i was in a bungalow yeah he was like why have you chose this bungalow because he's such a nice guy but he wasn't i remember his words were something like whose house is this yeah and i went mine and he went oh cool and then afterwards i was like nah i thought you thought i was taking me nana's but i remember when you moved you lived there for easily six or seven months and then you're like oh

so do i live here or not and i was like oh yeah do you want to move in and you were like yeah and then you fucking turned up with like old boxes of shit from your ma's house i was like leave it there you haven't used it no it was it was stuff that need my mom and dad are split up chris i'm from a broken family i can't believe you're bringing this up And rubbing it in my face Just because your mum and dad Are still together And share the same loft

Yeah they share the same loft But they fucking hide all my stuff away Do you know recently I went to get all my old action men And my old Lego for Robin I went You still got them No I will hide them away

Dicks They didn't My swimming badges They're gone They were framed them No way I did a mile I swam a mile when I was seven

Swimming badge Gone They've sold them Horrible I bet they've sold them. As soon as you weren't strictly, they'd have put them up for sale. Gum tree.

I was wondering why my dad made us sign that massive A1 bit of white paper for no reason. Wow. And made us write, keep swimming. Imagine that. Wouldn't blame him. He's here every five minutes

after something's signed for some fucker. As soon as your dad doesn't pay them. Oh, it's nice, man. But the mums don't do it. He's here every five minutes after something's signed for some fucker. So is your dad. They pay them, honestly. Oh, it's nice, man. But the mums don't do it. They've got respect. Fucking dad, every five minutes. Oh, I've been talking to Jimmy from the club.

He says his daughter wants to... Oh, God. Dad, I don't have a cupboard full of pictures of myself. Well, I do, but you're not having any of them. So I've been doing me warm-up gigs for my tour. What I do is before I do a full tour...

I was going to say, you're probably going to have to describe... I didn't know what they were until I... It's like work-in-progress shows. Some more are getting announced soon, actually, so keep an eye out for them. But I've basically got to do... I go around and do small venues not too far from home to try out all the material before I go on the big tour.

And I was doing one in Salt burn the other night right and i was on i was sitting in the back i've got like i say i normally say 13 or 14 plus for me for me too that's what i say for for people for the age restriction because as i say as i say i swore like a c-u-N-T when I was 13 did you oh did you swear when you were 13 no no really no I didn't honestly it's only since I met you that I've got worse

really I swear sorry about that you swear you swear I swear now that I swear so I will say that

because I mean honestly when I was in my first house so I moved house when I was six with my mum and dad

in my first house I watched Terminator 1 right so it in my first house I watched Terminator 1 right so it was less under six I watched Terminator 1 what rating is that it's an 18

no way my mum left us in the living room to watch Terminator 1 it's a really vivid memory I remember walking from the living room I lived in a place

called Mitchell Gardens in South Shields and from the living room walking through the kitchen and I said to my mum and I quote mum what does mother fuck i mean

and she said never say that again it's a bad word did you turn no i went back through watch the end of it wow went back through watch the end of it yeah so um they're our they're our child care oh god i didn't even think of that yeah they are um but what i was getting at i did salt burn the other night uh and it was 13 apparently it was two 13 year olds outside yeah and uh the um the person who ran the gig came in and said he there's two 13 year olds outside and they're wanting to come in they're with adults but we need to check it with you first i said look tell them this way and it's not disgusting but i do swear and if it's fine with them it's fine with me she went yeah because they look they're all done up for it they're all you

know they've got glitter on their faces and everything. They're dead excited. And I was like, eh? Yeah, and then the lady walked out and then she came back in two seconds later and went, sorry, they were for the silent disco next door. Oh, no. Oh, bless. How good would you be if you thought you were going to silent disco

and you had to listen to me for an hour? They'll have the headphones in. Man, this is bollocks. Shh, don't cause a scene. They'll have their headphones in. Man, this is bollocks. Don't cause a scene we'll stay till the end. So, something's been brought to our attention this week.

Rosie, I'm sure you've been inundated with tweets. Absolutely. I can't read any messages without seeing this that we've been sent. Every single person. If you know who you are

and you're saying a lot of people have sent us this. So there was a study done which is, I mean, I'm afraid to say it's right up our street. Yeah, it fits well in with this podcast. So basically, the look like, it says, a horrifying study of over a thousand people reveals that one in 30 people poo in the shower.

Now, do you know what's terrifying about that what one in 30 one in 30 people rosie you know what's terrifying about that one in 30 admitted it yeah yeah there's going to be more than that there's going to be loads of course there is do you know whenever someone says one in 30 all that comes to my mind is when you were at school right so you're sat in a lesson with 30 other kids like 29 other kids 30 was the top end of like how many kids you could have one of them at least one of them has a shit in the shower that is so wrong it's so bad why why would you do that why would you think that that was okay i mean i just i i can't get my head around it i like it says like it i don't want to go into too much detail no i'm gonna it says that to do it we've

talked about it before it was a question on one of our podcast it was on one of the episodes someone had said that someone because a girl did it because they had to do it because it was yeah because our friend was the boyfriend was staying over it was an old house and the toilet was in the different yeah so yeah so apparently people do it and then they just push it down the floor with their feet do you know what it is the people who are doing that

I'm surprised they're having a shower in the first place that is vile isn't it minging but didn't I I read somewhere else as well somebody tweeted it saying how many

is it like two two million people so that's two million people in the country doing it or is it more than that it might be more than that is my I'm terrible

it might be like 21 million or something I'm surprised the bloody train's on flowing in the street do you know that dirty sods it gets worse

because what people seem to be looking past right everyone just keeps going they're tweeting you they're tweeting me they're going 1 in 30 people

poo in the shower as we've just said 1 in 30 people admitted it right it's the work shower it's the what it's showering at work is the what the question was rosie what yeah it's all right so you have i know people who cycle to work and shower at work i know people who jog to work and

and and i've always been jealous of people get to do that because i think that's amazing you're getting your plate you're not having to go for a run and then you know what i mean yeah yeah you can have a shower but they go to work this is multi it's called multitasking habits of those showering at work one listen to the statistics one in three people urinate in the work shower i can i can get it's still the work shower though i urinate in my shower because it's my shower i never weed at the swimming pool showers i mean i win the swim pool but oh well i mean that's even worse i don't how would i wait in the swim pool shower everyone can see mean that's even worse how would I weigh in the swim pool shower everyone can see you

yeah when I was not as a grown adult I've never done it but when I was younger one in four blow their nose while in the shower while in the work shower

like into the drain yeah I hate that but yeah I've got it but I'm on board with that you do that in our sink you did that last night

I was like why don't you use a tissue and you're like this is easier I was like you are not a footballer you know there was a lot there was a lad at my school who could do it like a football and it was we're in year seven and i remember he just like was standing there and he just put his finger on one nostril he just went put the lad at school who could do it i remember trying it once and it just went all over my face like i went no no like

because i had my hand on the other nostril but it just sort of dribbled and hit me top lip and went on my chin on my neck and that i think a bit of it went on my coat so one in four blow the nose one in five spit in the shower so more than that's weird so more have admitted to spitting in the shower than blowing the nose in the shower that's not too bad spitting in the shower i suppose you have anything next one one in 20 masturbate in the work shower at work yeah what's oh what none of them will be women that's what it's none of them will be women sexist i don't sexist i'm absolutely being sexist you will not find any woman having a little frig in the work toilet right every man every man listening to this that's it we're marching we're marching get your shoes on get your shoes on i'll

meet you at the end no woman would be having a frig in the showers at work i'm telling you now that's all blokes all is a horrific right lads we're marching get get ready go have a shower quick one and then we'll all one of them will have a shit one in 30 if there's 30 one of them's having a poo um yeah and one in 30 defecating the shower absolutely unbelievable goodness can you imagine this is what i'm imagining here right The people who are doing this survey asking, why would they admit to that? Yeah. What were they paying?

That's what I want to know. I want to know how they started the questions. Probably an office poll. Well, it's a massive, massive office poll. But you know when the charity mugger stopped you in the street? Didn't a utilities supplier absolutely do you the other day when you were coming out of the shop? Yes, very annoying.

What happened again? So I was walking past, and I don't like to ignore them, and I don't like to be rude, but I do not want to speak to them at all because if I want to sort out my energy or my electric, I'll take it off my own back. Yeah, I'm not doing it outside Morrison's in the rain. I'm all right.

So he went to us. He was like, can I just stop you a minute? And I went, oh, no, thanks. I'm all right. He went to us, he was like, can I just stop you a minute? And I went, oh, no thanks, I'm alright. He went, oh, I'm glad you're alright, but can I stop you?

And I was like, you do not want to mess with me today because I'm coming from my shop and nothing else. Oh, hey, dude, hey, when was that?

About a week ago? About a week ago. Oh, hey, son, a week later, should have bit your head off today. Honestly, it would have been like, you know

at the end of mortal kombat where it's like finish him i could tell you one but yeah i mean he's clearly used that response quite a lot because a lot of people must just go i'm all right thanks and he's like i know you're all right oh no i'm glad you're all right i'm glad you're all right but can i stop no you can do one love i would hate horrible job i would hate that job so much i used to flyer did you know that i used to give out flyers to people right that was soul destroying just giving up what no because you just have to hand a flyer no nobody took them nobody took them i don't know what they're probably in that box of shit that you brought from your mom's when you moved into me bungalow you kept them did you

no i did not keep them. Some of them went in the bin. Nobody took them. And it was just really not good for me self-esteem. What was it for? It was for a posh clothes shop in Sunderland. I got paid quite well, actually. Bearing in mind I had to not really do anything.

So where did you hand them out? Around Sunderland. Right, but that was when you were supposed to be at the shop. What do you mean? So when you weren't in the shop working, you would go and hand the, but that was when you were supposed to be at the shop. What do you mean? So when you weren't in the shop working, you would go and hand the flyers out. No, I didn't work at the shop. I was just employed as a flyer giver. Giver, right there.

I thought, when you said pos shop, I thought this doesn't make sense. No, I've never worked. Oh, no, I didn't get a job in the pos shop. I was just the mug who had to give out the flyers. He's like, all right, madam, it's a new posh shop. I'm told it's nice. They won't let us in. Tell us I've got to go round the back

to pick up the flyers. Leave them in a bin for us. It's time for Watcha Be... Hello, Chris! Chris! Is that Chris Hello

Hello It's Barry Oh you're back Are you alright Hello mate Hiya mate Alright Sorry I've not been in touch

Right I've been Oh yeah man Just had louds Louds going on Just Yeah me ma Me sister's been in touch

Yeah they have mate Well alright Yeah they were I mean yeah They were alright They were Tiresome Is probably the phrase Sorry what No they rude? Yeah, they were. I mean, yeah, they were all right. They were tiresome, is probably the phrase. Sorry, what?

No, they were cool, man. Yeah, they were great. Oh, that's right. That's more like it. Blood. Blood's thicker than water, Chris. You would know that if you had any siblings. But you don't.

That's it. I've heard you're a lonely, lonely child. Is that right? That's what Rosie says, yes. I've got a mum, though. Have you, though? Yes. I've got a mam, though. Have you, though? Yes. I've never seen her.

Where? Oh, dinner. Could be making it up for all we know. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's what lonely children do. They've got a very good imagination

because they've never had no one to play with. So they just make stuff up. This is just getting hurtful now, Barry. How are your cataracts? I'm sure everyone wants to know. I don't want to talk about them cataracts right uh they're gone though right cured okay it's like the doctor said it's a miracle marvel marvel miracle well i'm very happy for you so just totally gone i'm fit as a fiddle yeah the doctor said it took like 20 years of us

right honestly you should see us I look fantastic I've been doing yoga and that yeah

in the hospital good so I'm mindfulness yeah I'm not I'm not angry as much

really well I'm a bit angry sometimes but I'm a bit less angry sometimes. But I'm a lot better. Listen, but I kind of chat all day. I've got stuff to do now that I can see.

You and your family always say that as if I've stopped yous, but you've actually come to my podcast. You always say that like I've stopped you in the street. Listen, your podcast, I think you'll find that you do it with Rosie as well. Yeah, and other people, evidently. Right. Anyway, I can't talk long.

I just wanted to check in on my lass. Sorry, your lass. Are you sure, right? She's fine, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's fine. Ouch. You still looking amazing?

Hey, what do you amazing? Eh, what? When did you hear that? Oh, who did that? So, stammer you got there, Chris? She's gone. She's gone. Anyway, I've got it gone. Listen, I need to stay. The world looks beautiful now I've got my side back. Take care. I'll speak to you

later, I need to... Bye-bye. Love to the family. Imaginary ma. it's beautiful now I've got my side back take care I'll speak to you later alright bye bye love love love bye bye imaginary man bye bye really really really really cheap

that you use your made up characters to call yourself beautiful is that what he said he's sweet Chris listen if a little old man

wants to have a crush on me what am I going to do about that do you know what I mean there's nothing going on I've told you this off the podcast

this is what I tell you every morning I grab your face and I say Chris there is nothing going on with me and Barry I love you

I only love you forever so I don't know how many times do you want me to I don't know should I get a tattoo what do you want us to do it's fine yeah it's fine okay let's just move on can barry be one of my beefs what if you'd like oh you go first okay i have a beef this week. Back to reality, everyone. Back to reality. I've still got a lot, but this is the new one. So the other day we were chatting about our wedding.

And then we got into the part about like, well, because when we got married, I worked, but obviously I didn't work. I didn't make as much money as you. Let's put it that way. You earned more money than me. Wow. I didn't make as much money as you. Let's put it that way. You earned more money than me. Okay. So you paid for the bulk of the wedding. Bulk? Or all?

Well, I'm sure I paid for some stuff. Possibly. Maybe not. Anyway, you paid for all the wedding. But now we're married. Now both monies were on. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But now that I am working and making money, you asked me the other day if i would be willing to pay you back half of the money for the wedding and i'm really

and you know what right i take that back i do take that back because now that i've thought about it more i didn't think that was fair because in reality, if you look at the guest list, more of your family came than mine, so I'm going to need three quarters. I'm going to need three quarters of the money for the wedding. Right. Are you joking? The day I paid for them, I wasn't even related to them chumps.

Chumps. Coming in with their bloody empty plates, wanting me to fill it up for them taking me cake and that I can't even remember having any cake do you know that they all took it home with them

bullshit if I could have me time again I'd have just went on a big holiday on me own yeah great would you FaceTime us at the Vows

you know what it is I'd have come back to the registry office with a lovely bloody tan and I'd have gave you a couple of quid for a sunbed session and we'd have got married and then we'd have a lovely bloody tan and I gave you a couple of quid for a sunbed session and we'd have got married

and then we'd have went to McDonald's and had the Grand Big Mac because it's out at the minute. Hey, I'd have loved that. I'd have loved a Grand Big Mac. And I'd have showed you the photos of me holidaying me on my hand. Good. Anyway, I'm not paying you back.

No, I was only joking. You weren't? I think there was a little bit of seriousness there. Well, no, look, it was 100% a joke when I said, do you fancy giving us half the money for the wedding now that you're earning money now, right?

However, it was a joke and I laughed it off and we both had a bit of a laugh and you did say I was harsh for saying it and, you know, I had a bit of a laugh. Had you produced half of the money there and then,

I'd have took it. Would you? Oh, no. If you'd have got your bank account, if you'd have got your app out on your phone and went right i'll back see it now i would i wouldn't have said no i wouldn't have said no i was kidding i'd have said yeah cool just putting this account for us you'll never you'll never get that back

it's gone i'm sorry i had a funny feeling i had a funny feeling love you how are you then my beef with you this week is right the other day the other day I was in the office working working hard as I do right working hard to pay for like

weddings and stuff that you don't contribute to right best day of my life and most expensive day of my life

and right you said you were going to go upstairs and do some work in bed as you like doing

at the minute it's your new thing love it right like bloody straight out of Jeremy Kyle in your pyjamas

sitting in your bloody duvet. Working? It's a loose phrase. Loose word, isn't it? You made me, right? I was in the office working. You shouted at me. You said, Chris, I need your help. And I came through. I thought you'd hurt yourself. I dropped something. You made me carry

your laptop upstairs for you because you, in one hand, had a glass of juice and in the other hand had your packet of crisps you were going to take up and eat and your auxiliary plate that you put the little sucked crisps on to dry in the sun. Yeah, horror. And you didn't want to make two trips. So you shouted at us. I was in the office working. You went, Chris, help us with this.

I came through. Can you carry the laptop? Because one, you could have put the plate on top of the laptop. Right. Didn't want it to break. I've literally literally got recordings of you i've got recording you producing the other hand i've got recordings for this podcast seeing you're not that arsed about the laptop right you made us carry the laptop up so you could hold your crisps and your plate in one hand and you're juicing the other hand so i could walk you up and put you into bed like some

kind of fucking home office invalid right put you in a bed and that's okay i'll give you a hand that's fine you could have made two trips. That annoyed us. But when we got upstairs, I then said, can I have a crisp? And you said no. You're a prick.

I think you'll find you're the bigger prick for doing it, actually. Can you remember that? I literally went, there you go, darling. Can I have one of these crisps? Oh, no.

No, they're mine. Wouldn't even give us a crisp for me to choose. Listen, don't get me started on how many crisps are in a packet of crisps now, because there's hardly any. There's about six crisps. It's so upsetting.

So if somebody says, can I have a crisp? I'm always a little bit begrudging and say, no, there's packets downstairs. Open another packet, because the ratio of crisps sharing really upsets us, actually. So I'm sorry, but thank you for helping us i thought a thank you would have been enough why you gotta take something from us there take take take that's

all you do just i've just i've just let you i've just let you dig yourself into an even deeper hole there okay because if you remember rightly it wasn't a packet of crisps it was a massive bowl from a huge massive grab bag that you poured in and you literally went go back downstairs and get some out of the grab bag, there's some in there. It was a fucking mountain of crisps. Not a cereal bowl, like a big massive pasta bowl. No, there wasn't that many.

You are exaggerating. There was. He wouldn't even give one. Ramsey, pack it in. Scum. Reel yourself in, will you? Bet your fucking Barry would have got one. Barry would have got more than that.

Awful. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. awful this friday you must be very careful margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start out evil things of evil it's oh no don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

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at torontorock.com. It's time for, and I've got to be honest, my favorite part of the show. We record this podcast, and I get to this bit, and I get giddy and excited. From the cue from the pews? It's like... What?

The cues from the pews. Right, well, that's just been renamed. I've never heard that. I've never heard you say that and I very much enjoy that. It's time for Cues from the Pews. Cues from the Pews. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Yeah, man.

Yeah. Fantastic. Listen, we need to go into some sort of like franchise of features for stuff because we just

coming out our arse off the fly you know what I mean features coming out our arse in the show at work at work oh we are

we're not even drunk I'll stop drinking during the week that's upsetting yeah unless it's a special occasion something really good has happened that day yeah we are, we're not even drunk. I'll stop drinking during the week. That's upsetting. Yeah. Unless it's a special occasion. Something really good's happened that day. Yeah.

If it's like a birthday or Christmas or something, or like a celebrate Easter, something like that. And as well, if I've had a really bad day, then I can have a glass of wine. If I'm on my period, sometimes I need a glass of wine.

And other than that, I'm not drinking during the week. Wow. You should maybe get a drip with wine in because it sounds like every occasion is ready for wine I just love wine

but we've got that annoying life where we get told good stuff that we're not allowed to announce I mean I don't know about you

but I've got good news ready to announce coming out of my bloody little bum and I can't tell anyone it no it's like secret word riddled

management will ring up and go so that's things so can we tell anyone no you can't and we're like yeah it's like a champagne momentdled management will ring up and go so that's things so can we tell anyone no you can't and we're like yeah it's like a champagne moment but you

never open the champagne you just have one glass of wine on your own on a night because I'm at a gig yeah you're never here people have

said have a gin and tonic gin and tonic is not the same I'm here now well good I'm here now let's do the queues from the

pews queues from the pews pews pews pews hello I'm starting off quite easy here it's not too great you always say this but no genuinely I'm not I mean I Pews, pews. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, I know, but sometimes I just think this podcast is just a bit gross. That's why people are listening. Ah, fair enough. They love it. People are gross.

Do you have any idea? Like, Rosie, I'm not joking. Still now, I'll go on my phone and there'll be more people sending me that one in 30 people shit in the shower thing. They love it, man. True. Just love it, man. All right, well, have a listen to this then. It's rank.

Here we go. Dear Chris and Rosie, I studied German A-level and had a genuine love of the country, culture and language from my studies. Naturally, when I finished school and wanted to go on holiday with some of my friends, I planned a trip to Berlin. I'd love to go to Berlin, I've never been. Let's go. One night we were out at a club having a great time. My friend had pulled and the young guy invited all three of us to an after party with some mate which sounded great.

Until my friend who had pulled started vomiting in the toilet and we lost the lads. Of course, that'll do it. That's gonna happen. That'll do it. We decided it might be best to head back to our hotel as we were all drunk. But on the way out of the club I spotted two fairly drunk guys hanging out underneath a bridge by the club one of them started flirting with me in German and in my drunken overconfident state

had a reasonable back and forth with him hallo guten tag yeah sorry hallo how's Berlin wie heißt du? I just feel like on the way out of the club

I noticed two guys hanging out under a bridge it's a disgusting story what the hell's going on? It's shocking. If you are a young girl or boy, do not listen to this and think, oh, I'm going to do that. It's not a good, this story does not end well. I don't even know how this story's going to go,

and I've just got to say it as a rule, possibly in any country, don't go and talk to some young guys outside of club who are hanging out under a bridge. Absolutely not. You know, just as a rule. So this is more of a lesson story than anything else. I'm nervous.

My friends didn't speak any German so weren't really sure what was going on. Brilliant. So that's fun. The guys invited us back to their house for an after party.

They had a house. They didn't just live under the bridge. Ah, okay then. Which is good to know. That's fine. He convinced me he was a decent bloke

by showing me his ID and that tattoo on his arm of his surname to prove it was real. Fuck a duck. Good God. We did it on the spot STI test and he came up negative. I'm not a rapist because, look, I have ID with the same name. Goodness me. Terrible.

Which seemed totally reasonable to me An idiotic 18 year old I ended up dragging my friends along into their car I sat in the back Into their car Is this taken 5? It's bad isn't it I sat in the back with the guy who was flirting on my left And my friend on the right

And we started kissing and touching each other Quite intensely Gee whiz lady I realised somewhere in my head that this must be very awkward For my friend next to us And we started kissing and touching each other quite intensely. Gee whiz, lady. I realised somewhere in my head that this must be very awkward for my friend next to us. So felt the only appropriate thing to do to reassure her was hold her hand all the time, not losing contact with the man's face. Oh, Jesus Christ. I can only imagine this made things worse 100 100

only thing i can imagine worse than that is someone holding me hand while having a poo oh that's not a nice image um there's more. It's really long. Right. You ready? Yeah. Once we arrived at this total stranger's house in Berlin, the first thing I remember noticing were several condoms tied to the chandelier in the living room.

Jesus Christ, man. What is this place? What the hell? Yeah. I excused myself to the bathroom and the flirty guy showed me the way, then let himself in with me. Things began to get heated again and he asked if we could go to the bedroom and have sex.

I had the wise idea of saying, nicht one condom. You can probably guess what that means. What does it mean? Nicht one. It'll mean we need a condom or I don't have a condom. I just love that he's asked her. All of this,

we've got to remember, all of this flirting and kissing and asking if you want to go to the bedroom and have sex is being done in A-level German. I think we keep forgetting that. It's all being done in, I mean,

fucking hell, man. It's horrible been done and he's, I mean, fucking hell, man. It's horrible, isn't it? Oh, I feel sick. Oh, he then touched my arse and asked here. Oh my goodness gracious me. Chris, it gets worse. This is terrible. Are you ready for this?

This is the most tragic bit. I refused and could sense his disappointment. I can't even say it. So I got down on my knees and started to give my first ever blowjob. First ever? First ever.

Bloody hell. It's so grim. It is so grim. I'm trying to do it in a different language. Oh, God. Oh, there's more. There's genuinely more. Oh, crikey.

This is horrific. Right. I was not feeling very well. And remember this bit not being as easy as it seemed. No, it never is. It never is. For one, his penis wasn't very attractive. Great.

And two, it kept making me... This is just... I feel... Oh, God. Why didn't they go and get a condom off the chandelier? Maybe she didn't want to lose... I'm guessing she hasn't lost her virginity. Maybe the condoms weren't in packets.

Would you ever use a condom that was on a chandelier? Were they not in packets? Maybe not. I don't know. Is this a brothel? I'm not sure. Where's that friend? It's definitely not a chandelier? Were they not in packets? What's happening? I don't know. Is this a brothel? I'm not sure. Where's that friend? It's definitely not a chandelier shop.

This is the strangest story ever. And all the time this is happening, her two friends are in another room with chandeliers on, condoms on the chandelier, with a bloke, and they don't speak German. No.

So they're just sitting there. This is not good. I'm glad that this has happened because if someone was telling me this now I'd be like this is not safe. This is bad. I can't have been down there long when all the alcohol I'd had hit me as my gag reflex

went again and brought up a huge amount of vomit. Heavens above. On his materialia. That's above. On his. Oh, hey. Well, that's how you do them. Good God. I was so embarrassed about what I'd just done

and wanted to minimise the damage, so I kept, I can't even say it. This is the worst. Kept going, she kept going. She kept going and swallowed all of the vomit back down. Oh, God. While praying that he didn't notice.

That he didn't notice. That he didn't notice. This is so grim. He seemed to realise I was struggling and we stopped and returned to the lounge where my friends sat on their couch looking absolutely terrified. We negotiated ourselves a cab back from this total stranger's home in an unfamiliar city with terrified we negotiated

ourselves a cab back from this total stranger's home in an unfamiliar city with tears of relief that we hadn't all been

murdered wow I'm glad she's lived to send this email I'm so happy that they are still alive

please if you are listening to this oh my god never do that do not do that have I ever told you this story i mean this is a different kind of story because i don't think we were in danger but there was this one

time when i was single and a bit depressed right and um we were it was before we got together it was probably about about two years before we got together and i was uh working as like a solo cabaret act yeah and i had a gig at a holiday park in the lake district and um my friends angela and steph came along right so i did the gig they were half cut and then we all had a drink after and we were staying over on the caravans some people who lived there on the caravan site right asked us to go back to their caravan brilliant and one of them was a medium right and so he started we were all a little bit intoxicated by this point so we went back to this random caravan do you mean a spiritualist medium wasn't just wearing a

medium jacket oh no sorry yeah i mean you weren't you weren't analyzing his body no no i just had to say it just that seemed like it was no one was the medium he's dead fit he's marks and spencer's medium slim fit fit as i was uh so no so he was like a spiritualist i've never heard this story have you not no i'm very excited so we were all very drunk we were all at the really weird point in our lives when um we were just a bit depressed right and uh he just started telling us loads of stuff and we all were crying in this person's caravan um and his wife was like had to calm us down and then he did he did this thing where he made angela stand up and we were crying watching and then he did this thing on her back where it was like pretend to be a hook and then he pretended to smash an egg on her head

and then he pulled her back and she like like, catapulted across the room. When you say room, you mean caravan. The caravan, sorry. Let's not forget. And then, yeah, and it was just one of those really strange nights that you don't really forget. I can't remember leaving. So they asked you to come back for a party and the party ended up failing.

There was about four people there. It wasn't a party. It ended up being a medium telling loads of stuff and making us cry. Making them cry. Jesus. So, yeah. Wow. I know. four people there it wasn't a party it ended up being a medium telling loads of stuff and making us cry making them cry Jesus so yeah wow I know could have been worse

could have been worse could have been like this you could have been sick on his dick I could have been sick on his dick so it was it was much better than that yeah

babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo dear Rosie and Chris I'm rang to tell you about a funny story of mine I've actually met Rosie on a couple of occasions as I'm a member of the singing group Encore, which is from South Shields. Hello.

Hello. My partner and I are avid listeners to SMA, and he has been saying I need to write to you with this story for many months. Oh. You recently requested stories from the medical profession, and as a doctor myself, I thought I'd share one of my favorites get in it's get in ready yes it occurred about 15 years ago I was a newly qualified doctor two to three months in working in my first ever job in a local northeast hospital on this specific day I was the junior doctor on call for surgery okay my bleep went off and i answered straight away like a good

junior doctor it was a doctor from a and e i've got a good one here for you that's what they said i was asked to go and assess a patient in a and e i was informed the patient a male had presented to a and e earlier that day with a cucumber stuck up his arse. Brilliant. The man was in his 30s and obviously very embarrassed. On entering his cubicle, I was surprised to find he had an older woman sitting with him, confident in him. I was more surprised to then discover that this was his mother. Who he requested stay with him during the assessment. Why?

Why would you want your mum there when you've got a cucumber stuck up your back passage? Why is she going to take it home and finish dinner? Oh, my goodness. He explained he'd been messing around with his boyfriend with said cucumber and suddenly it just got stuck in and they couldn't get it back out that's that's what happens i think because of the muscles in your bum it kind of just draws stuff in so i've you hear stories about people getting stuff stuck with their bum and stuff and uh you know straight guys and gay guys love a bit

of bum action but it's not for me, right? I don't know much about what goes on up in my bum. All I know is that on the odd time I've had to use a suppository. Yes. My, I don't know if I can, gentlemen out there, I don't know if I'm speaking for everyone's bum, right? But when I stick a suppository in, your bum goes, no, no, no, no, go on then, and just takes it.

That's the best way I can describe it. I love it. That's the best way I can describe it. I love that. That's the best way I can describe it. You're pushing it up and it's going, not for me, not for me, more of that please.

And it just goes, and it just disappears. It's like a suction. I am mad, right? Well, oh my God. So what's happened with this cucumber? Oh, nah.

I don't know how big the cucumber is. Well, I mean, let's go standard size. Well, they're pretty big. Yeah, but it's not going to be a little, tiny little thing.

It's not going to be them ones with a big double ender. Was he sitting down? Well, what do you mean? Well, listen to this bit. On examining him, with his mother staying to observe at his request. Fantastic. It was obvious the cucumber was well and truly stuck up there and was not coming out.

Why have you got your mouth open? Are you ready? It was so big you could even see it protruding from his abdomen like some sort of creature from Alien. Oh, it's a big one. I thought it might have been a half one. It's a fully blown cucumber. It's sticking out of his belly. Oh, no way, man.

Oh, my gosh. That would be so uncomfortable. I feel ill. Holy mackerel. The outline was even visible on his abdominal x-ray and it was a whopper. Christ alive.

Holy moly. Right. Why is his mom there? I know. Why is he? Well, because you do anything for your brain. If Robin got a cucumber

in years to come, got a cucumber stuck up his arse, I'd go with him. You'd have to. You can't go, ugh arse I'd go with him you'd have to you can't go can I just say as well this speaks volumes

for his mother as well because what we're saying 15 years ago this was world was a different place 15 years ago that's amazing she's fully supportive of her son

aww hey good for her well done darling that's support isn't it I genuinely though I do hope they just threw it in the bin well I'm not sure but

well listen there's more ready there's more yeah there's more mate this is shag married in ois there's more are you kidding me are you selling the podcast to me yes you just questioned it you know what this podcast is i wouldn't be reading it out if there wasn't more right we admitted him to surgical ward for a senior doctor to review as he potentially needed surgery to remove the cucumber could you not let it just dissolve? I mean I don't they dissolve in our fridge soft as out, give it a few weeks

it'll just fall out just hold a ham sandwich next to your bum and the cucumber will crawl out itself because it's natural place is the ham sandwich little greek salad and then he um after messaging most of my close friends to explain what i'd just been to see brilliant there's a patient confidentiality god damn you oh he's only just done so good

um shortly after my bleep went off a and. Right. You're not going to believe this, the A&E doctor said to me. The next patient in A&E that I was asked to review was the previous patient's partner. He too had something stuck up his arse. Oh, Jesus Christ. They're not coming in the same car. This time, a vibrator. Oh, born.

I know, I know. Sorry. Try harder. Oh, gosh. Standard. What do you want me to do with that on the podcast? We're going to talk about that. Thinking I was being set up, I cautiously made my way back to A&E

to assess the next anal prober. Unbelievably, this one was with his mother too listen we'll give the other mom a clap we need to give this one yeah at least hers was a vibrator at least you'd be like oh thank god my son isn't sticking bits of veg up his arse oh phenomenal oh god i listened to the same story as before but this time the cucumber was replaced with the vibrator great he had not came with his partner initially as he felt it would come out with time brilliant but the longer he waited the further it seemed to go up i just love the idea of them both standing panicking and he's going well I'm ringing my mum

I'm going to the hospital he's going you're not ringing your mum you coward just wait man just wait it'll come out mum

you've always got to ring your mum though don't you love it absolutely love that they rang their mums so do I I examined the patient

and the vibrator was well and truly stuck up there and not coming out not only was it stuck but it was still active. Shut the... No way, man. How did you even get a conversation out of it?

Hello. Oh, God. Ma'am, can you come round? I've done a bad thing. It was the only time I have documented in a patient note an osculation of abdomen buzzing can be heard. Brilliant. Wow.

The x-ray of the patient's abdomen was a thing of comedy gold. The vibrator was situated in such a way, sticking upwards, that it looked like the skeleton had an erection. Fantastic. For as long as I've worked at that hospital, if I was ever having a bad day, I would look up that x-ray again on the system and cheer myself up.

That's great. That's great. Just go back and just a little boost, a little boost for the day. Phenomenal. This patient was also admitted to the ward to await senior doctor review. God.

Both patients ended up on the same ward with their mothers and after review by senior doctors both were listed for theatre to try and manually evacuate the foreign bodies it was explained to both of them that worst-case scenario they may need to be opened up oh my gosh and potentially need stormer bags fitted if their bowels had been damaged oh my goodness luckily for them once they were put under general anesthetic everything relaxed down there and the surgeons were able to remove both objects with ease fantastic they went back home the next day hand in hand without their mothers or their anal blockages i I mean... That was from James. Thank you very much, James. Thank you, James.

That's not how you want your parents to meet. I know. Can you imagine? Please. I think Meet the Parents, the film, missed a trick here. I think that would have been a better film. Me too. I pray, I seriously pray that they had met previously to this.

I don't, right? Can you imagine? And I hope they all met. I hope they did a proper parental meeting later on, maybe like at Christmas. It was like, you bring your mum and dad or I'll bring my mum and dad

and they all meet and then it's like, hello again. Again? Have you two met? Well, we have. We have. Yes, we did meet.

When? Well, get a drink, everyone. Get a drink. Babadoo, babadoo, bab a drink. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I'm a member of the public and I have a question for you. I'm suspicious. Is this being said by a robot? I am a normal member of the British public and I have a quandary for your...

I am real. How many traffic lights are in this square? I've just never been more suspicious of a sentence than that. Right, this is the question from the member of the public. If you saw a raffle ticket on the floor and it won, would you still claim the prize? Sorry, a raffle ticket? How do I know? If I'm not at the raffle, I don't know.

Oh, well, I'll explain. Right. She started with the question. Oh, so there's a story. Right. So, hold on. So, in that little question, you just... If you saw...

Six, four, one. Oh, six, four, one. That's probably a winning raffle ticket at a raffle that I don't know is happening. You've won a bath basket. Do you know, this is... Here's something, just before we go on. I've entered some of them raffles. You know in supermarkets when they've got a little basket?

Buy a ticket? Yeah. I don't give any information about myself over, so how would they tell me if I've won? Oh, right. What you've been doing is you've been throwing money away i've been robbed no you've robbed yourself so why but they didn't ask they just give me the raffle ticket but have i just got to keep checking checking where at the shop what's wrong with you i don't know when was the last right i'll fix this

when was the last time you did that last year Right it's finished There's no point worrying about it No point worrying about it It's over More to my road I've been robbed Whatever was up for grabs Has already been consumed It's gone

I think it was last Valentine's Right okay Well that's tragic So I haven't won No you haven't won Great Well I mean if you never had You wouldn't have won the tellers

That'll add to your PMT today You're not getting that Year old Valentine's gift you've been waiting for. Got it? Right. So anyway, back to the raffle ticket. This happened to my mam at my daughter's school show.

My mam found a ticket on the floor and it won. The woman whose actual ticket it was tried to tell the headteacher of the school who was drawing the raffle that it was her ticket. My mam had no shame and toddled up to the front to claim the prize even though she knew the lady was saying it was her ticket.

When I asked her why she did it her defence was that the prize was Toblerone and she really loves Toblerone. It's not even a holiday or anything like that who the fuck loves Toblerone no one loves Toblerone I like Toblerone I don't love it no one in this world

do you know what she loved she loved free Toblerone well she's a thief but now the school head teacher might think we're a family of thieves I'm conflicted over the whole thing there's nothing you can do about that though would so right okay so that makes the question better so we're at the event we're at the we are there right we know we found the ticket we have the proof of the ticket but somebody else has won right well you don't i wouldn't claim that no i can't it was a total of ourlerone well right okay let's up the stakes

right it's a it's a holiday for a week on a yacht do I have to go on the date that they've

specified or can I pick the date you pick the date I'm keeping that bad you would keep it 100 million percent honest wow

100 million percent yeah yeah yeah that's even if the woman even if the woman's saying that's my ticket I dropped it on the floor, they picked it up,

they're thieves, they're liars, Ramses, get the Ramses, get them out here. I'd say, I had the tickets. I'd go,

how many tickets you got there? She'd go, like four. I'd go, I bought five tickets, dropped four of them, you've picked my four up and this is the only one I didn't drop?

How dare you? I came fourth in Strictly, how dare you? How dare you? I came fourth in Strictly. How dare you? How dare you? You cannot name a thousand pound to the first person who punches this woman in the face. I'm good for it. And then I go on the yacht. You can't name drop Strictly in

stealing a holiday. For a week on a yacht? Well, maybe I made the holiday too good. I made it too good. Go on then. pick something else. A week at Butland's. Nah, I can keep it. I'll pay a lot of money to not have to go there. We haven't got a let's talk about shit story today.

I mean, we're being pretty filthy. Because we're being a bit filthy. But this is along the same, a similar vein. Okay. Okay. Hi guys. Let's talk around shit. Let's just, yeah. we're being pretty filthy because we're being a bit filthy but this is along the same a similar vein okay okay hi guys let's talk around shit let's just yeah from the same orifice

I've got an argument for you to settle if you please always up for settling an argument always said argument started almost

20 years ago wow when my then boyfriend now husband sort of married. The argument was settled. It's transcended the relationship status. Yeah.

Now husband, we're on holiday in Florida with some friends. One drunken night on our balcony, the conversation turned to smells. Dot, dot, dot. I know. Wow. Cutting a very long and drunk story short,

my other half and his mate totally disputed the fact that fart and bum are two separate smells. What a night. What a night.

This is on a balcony. In Floridaida a balcony in florida can you imagine being the people next door who've got an early flight the next morning having to listen to that absolute drivel coming through your bloody balcony doors off them three drunken knobs so um whereas us girls maintain that they are very distinct and different smells wow over the years and through marriages kids breakups etc it has kept rearing its smelly head but we have never been able to agree what are your thoughts and that's from karen thank you karen i love that it slightly comes up i just picture one of them in the kitchen turning around and just slamming their hand on the counter and going, this again, eh? One of the Ben's christenings. I'm not having it!

The same. So what do you think? So the fact that fart and bum are two separate smells, the lads don't think that it is, the girls think it is. This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Mate, you know what this podcast is about. Do you know what it is, right? The reason I'm slightly angry and a little bit giddy

is because it's so stupid, but they've got a point. Oh, I've answered it. I've got an answer. I've answered it in my head, yeah. Right, okay. I'm with the girls. I am absolutely. They are two different smells. 100%, two different smells. Yeah, I've answered it in my head. Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. I'm with the girls. I am absolutely. They are two different smells.

100%. 100% two different smells. A fart is a different smell to a bum. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Well, there you go. Yeah.

I feel like we've answered it for them. See, so the blokes are thinking of it like, say, like an order of toilette or an aftershave. So they're thinking that putting your nose right up to the thing itself, to the nozzle and sniffing it is the same as spraying it in the end, sniffing it. That's essential. But what they're forgetting is that the actual, the receptacle where the fart comes from is made of its own smelly substance anyway.

Yes. Yeah. But it's like, you know, sometimes when you go into a room and I might turn to you and go, oh, it smells like arse in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if it smelled like pump, you'd go,

it smells like pump in here. Or you'd go, who pumped? Who pumped? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arse and pump like pump you'd go it smells like pumping or you go who pumped who pumped yeah yeah yeah arse and pump 100 fart and bum different smells they're definitely different smells they're definitely so good listen i'm just excited at how giddy that this lady's going to be now i'm really sorry but she's going to play this to her husband and he's going to go no i still don't believe it and i'm going to explain now horrendously why he's wrong and scientifically, in my opinion. So the pump comes out

and just, and into the air. So you've got air particles mixed with it. It spreads out more. So that's your fart smell. Or you've got arse crack sweat

and arse crack air mixed in with what would be the pump. Right? Mixed in with possible bits. I'm sorry, but I just had to put that out there

so that he can't then say it to her because you you are he's wrong he is wrong he's wrong did you think

that this would be what we do in our life I kind of always thought I would I told you man when I was a kid me and my mate

had a game called the poo pants brothers this was always my future it's a step up it's a step up it's going in the right direction we're writing a book I kind of always thought I would. I told you, man, when I was a kid, me and my mate had a game called the Poop Pants Brothers. This was always my future. It's a step up. It's a step up. It's going in the right direction. We're writing a book.

Yeah. It's exciting. I feel like I'm going back over. Do you? Sort of are. So, yeah. One last thing I want to say on that. Yeah.

Smell the air. My boff is there. I think we've all, I think we can all I think we're going to all take something from that Jesus we are going to leave it there for the day in the air

where her boff is also there thank you once again for listening we love that you come back each and every week please keep in touch on social medias and thank you once again. Thank you.

Yes, indeed. Please like, rate and subscribe. Any questions or stories or anything you want, it's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please send them in. If you want to be kept anonymous,

we will keep you anonymous. Don't worry about it at all. The book is available for pre-order still. Signed copies still available from WH Smiths and Waterstones online, but not bloody many, so be quick.

Yay. Bye. Bye-bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hirwe, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

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