Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 55. Elastic Burdens

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

It's been quite the week for Chris & Rosie and there is some great post awards chat. Chris had his parenting judged and the couple are figuring out what will go in the Wembley Show - Spoons anyone? There are some brilliant questions from the public - how do you feel about other peoples carpets? And a medical professional gets in touch. All of this plus the return of Barry Beef! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmode Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, dot ca everyone chin chin cheers my dears chin chin indeed thank you so much for listening guys it is episode 55 as always from the bottom

of our hearts thank you for coming back thank you for subscribing and all of that but before we start a word from this week's lucrative

lucrative sponsor still still nothing still there is there is absolutely and I think you'll find

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just relate it to it this week's sponsor epic epic lucrative sponsor is doing everything with your elbows yeah hey you uh trying to get in that uh toilet door get the old elbow on it hey you want to shake hands and fist

bump yeah everybody get that elbow on you hey elbow bump hey do you know that today right in uh in partnership with our lucrative sponsor, I am lucrative. I went to the toilet on the train and did absolutely everything with my elbows and walked out with my hands in the air like a surgeon. Yeah, because all of the stuff is like a lift. Didn't get me dick out with my elbows. I have to stress that right now. Ew. That wasn't possible.

You couldn't get your dick out with your elbows I can't get my dick I can't have a wee without touching it you do that a lot actually you brush your teeth while you

that's one of me beefs why are you using your beefs up no no no not that no that's not what I do so I can actually go to the toilet in public without touching anything

in the toilet with my hands and without actually touching my penis as well literally without touching it undo the zip undo the button open yourself up

so the flies are open right grab the boxer shorts the top the elasticated bit grab them either side pull them down right down past the penis back up in between penis and scrotum shaft lift yeah lift bottom of penis with with elastic right we okay have your we got the image then up and down move it up and down move the elastic up and down, move it up and down. Move the elastic up and down. Willie jumps up and down. Splashes go everywhere.

Everyone's having a great time. I'm not. Then closed. Start, go back. Undo the first few steps. But why don't you want to touch your own penis? Because sometimes the toilets don't have any kind of soap or anything. So I'll do the whole thing without touching anything in the whole toilet.

And then I'll just leave without... And then I'll still use the hand sanitizer outside. But you know what I mean? I'm really glad that we found that out about you. Hey, I'm here to give to the public. As long as I'm being sponsored, and I have been sponsored by Elbows. Brilliant. Yeah.

Here is the jingle. I'm going to press record for the next bit with me elbow. Yeah, fuck it. I'm glad we're drinking today. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Hello and welcome back. Thank you for coming back, obviously. We're happy to have you here. Now, we have had a bit of a week, haven't we, Chris? Intense week. An intense Chris intense week an intense week a very successful week not gonna lie

I mean yeah probably one of the most intense weeks of and successful weeks of me life yeah same here babes lesson little high five

arse wipe there you go congratulations and celebrations I don't know I said arse wipe just as I touched your hand I feel like now

you've wiped your arse and I've touched your hand now you'll never know sorry about that so we sold out the tour nearly there's still some dates

available Newcastle there's some tickets left Wembley Arena there's limited availability we literally almost sold out Wembley Arena in a day

what Chris you guys are amazing thank you what are we going to do I've got some plans have you now well did you know I don't want to do? I've got some plans. Have you now? Well, did you know, I don't want to give anything away,

but did you know my dad can play the spoons? He actually can. No. Your dad is not playing the spoons at Wembley. Listen. Listen. If the people want it, which I guarantee they don't.

If he could play the spoons while I yodel and you do a break dance, that would be pretty cool. So for refundss just go to Wembley Arena website my dad won't be playing this I'm totally joking

so yeah so there's some tickets there for Wembley but bloody not many Edinburgh's basically there's a couple of tickets there for Edinburgh and Newcastle as well

if anyone fancied but not many be quick we'll love you very exciting thank you so much everyone who went out and purchased

the East one as well as that we won an award we won an award be quick we'll love you very exciting thank you so much everyone who went out and purchased one as well as that we won an award we won an award you are listening to an award oh my god that's how I was

going to introduce the show oh shit the bed go on you do it again now pretend pretend everyone pretend this is the first time

hello you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Chris Ramsey. This is an award-winning podcast. I'm glad you didn't start

I should have done it a bit better. I was going to segue it. You sprung it on us. What, I sprung it on you? The award was won a fucking week ago. I sprung it on you, did I?

What's the matter with you? Do you think it's arrogant? Do you think that was arrogant? No, it's all right. I mean, the fact that we've just literally, I mean, there was a moment there where we both remembered we'd won an award,

so I think that's okay. You were all right. I think starting it with the award-winning podcast would have been a bit shitty. Can we talk about the funny end of the night at the Global Awards, please? So, the Global Awards. Went to the Arias the day before.

We got a bronze in the Arias, which is brilliant, which is apparently very prestigious. But the Global Awards was a bit more of our street, let's be honest with you. Mainly just because it was a big table with free food and loads of drink. Loads of alcohol. So much.

I had all of the alcohols. Yeah. I had all of them. You were mixing them drinks, Ramsay. Now, listen, before Rosie tells you what happened, right, can I just say, blokes out there, I'm jealous of you, blokes out there who can get pissed on a night out, make a dick of themselves, maybe say something stupid,

you get away with it, you know, dick of themselves maybe say something stupid you get away with it you know you wake up the next morning you maybe remember it but then it's

all forgotten when the BFE wears off. Mine gets documented now because I live with a fucking

Instagrammer. So go on then Rosie do you want to explain what happened? For everyone who doesn't

follow Rosie on Instagram you might have missed it because the stories are gone but to be fair you've probably put it in your highlights have you

I haven't actually I still got it though right so as we were leaving the global awards it was about was it like 1am or something

I don't know I'd had all of the alcohols so it was pretty late but there was some people outside waiting for photos with people they wanted a couple of pictures with us.

And then one of the women said to Chris, I don't know where this came from. As we were leaving, she went, Eee, you've got more tour tickets going on sale tomorrow morning, haven't you? She was like, Eee, yeah. And as Chris was walking away, he went, Yeah, 10am, baby. 10am, my darling.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the accent was. I got so drunk, I don't know. I didn't have my own accent anymore. 10am, baby. 10am, my darling. But the thing is, the lass was a cockney. I was going to say.

She didn't have an accent. I don't know where that came from. It just was... Maybe I sound... I don't know whether you did mean to do an accent it was just you were walking off you were really like

chuffed with yourself I was carrying the award I was carrying the award you were literally like 10am baby where did baby come from why do you say it like baby

look I don't remember a fucking thing 10am I had to watch the insta stories the next day on the train home after the fucking one show I didn't watch the insta stories the next day on the train home

after the fucking one show I didn't even know anything like that had happened I mean I was maybe I think maybe every sort

of 18 months I forget that alcohol affects us you have a blowout don't you I have a massive blowout

and then I regret it for so long but I need it so I'm just about to go on tour me stand up tour so I needed to get back to the hotel,

hotel room, spin and go and be sick in the toilet. I mean, I was full after prom. You went for it. It was bad, wasn't it? I mean, you are absolutely infuriating when you're paced. Come on then.

Do you not remember this? No. So we got back to the hotel and you were all right, actually. It kind of hit you all of a sudden, apart from the medallions. Listen, nothing wrong at least

I wasn't angry I wasn't upset I wasn't shouting and screaming at anyone I wasn't starting fights on the street all I said was tomorrow morning

10am baby 10am medallion that's the one nothing wrong with that listen I was like I was happy I was chatting to someone

I was performing a service I was informative beautiful I was informative I was happy. I was chatting to someone. I was performing a service. I was informative. Beautiful. I was informative. I was honestly, like, I love a laugh. You know I do. And that gave me a laugh.

I was happy to be married at that moment. Right. Anyway, so got back to the hotel. We got room service because we're two greedy, big, fat pigs. You were mingling drunk. You went to bed because I told you to go to bed because you were like, I'm going to be sick. I was like, well, you know what?

Lie down in bed. If you feel like you're going to be sick, it's a hotel room. You can get to the toilet. You know what I've just had a flashback of? Do you know what you gave me to be sick in? The thing that goes on top of the... So guys, we're in quite a posh hotel, right?

And they bring your room service up and it's got like a silver lid on top so they go like, voila, madame. And it's like this silver fucking helmet, like lid that goes on the plate. She gave us that to be sick in. Imagine the fucking staff coming and collecting that the next morning.

Ah, si monsieur had the vegetable soup. You seem to have dropped a Jägerbomb in this. Why does this soup smell like lager? My darling. What time is it? 10 a.m., baby. It's just a nondescript accent that can be used for anything. It's great.

It's great. So, yeah, so I told you to go to bed, and you were like, I think I'm going to be sick and I was like well just wait until you feel like you're going to be sick and then go to the toilet and be sick

so I was having a lovely little time sat eating the club sandwich extra chips because you weren't there and watching my iPad just having a bit of a time

taking my makeup off and then you come back in and you come and sat next to us I was like what do you want and you were like I just

I think I'm going to be. I was like, what do you want? You were like, I just, I think I'm going to be sick. Sounds exactly like me. And then all you kept doing was apologising. And I was like, Chris, like, okay, but I'm not mad. Like, you were like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was like, please, please. Listen, how much did you fancy us in that moment?

Oh, honestly? Percentage? Oh, three. Oh, fucking hell. That hurt a little bit. If that. That hurt a little bit, that. But do you know what?

The only thing that looked nice was your hair. Brilliant. Oh, well, I'll take that. I went to the toilet. I had to vom. I had to vom. I vommed. And then, yeah, I went to sleep.

Woke up in the morning. Felt just as bad. Well, I'll tell you you this is the annoying bit so I got up went and been sick again you were getting ready for the train thankfully you just left us

to just lie there in me own filth then you left and after I'd like sort of been sick again I was like right okay I'm really hungover I'm gonna go back to sleep

ironically bloody 10am baby 10am my darling was the reason I couldn't go to sleep because the two i went on sale and my phone was going fucking ballistic so i lay there hung over as anything the fact that i got hung like pissed and excited and told her it was 10 a.m at 10 a.m the phone was like nah you're getting up now i set me on for 12 baby 12 my darling and i ended up

getting up a bloody quarter past 10 a.m baby my darling because my phone was going fucking off it it was just honestly it was the weirdest hangover i've ever had because i was terrified because i Ended up getting up at bloody quarter past 10am, baby. My darling. Because my phone was going fucking off it. It was just, honestly, it was the weirdest hangover I've ever had. Because I was terrified. Because I knew I had the one show in like six hours time. And I was like, oh my God, I'm doing live telly in a bit. I knew I'd be okay six hours. Do you know what I mean?

But I was like really sad and really upset. But then also so happy that the tour was selling well. And I'm getting all these updates on my phone. Did I tell you about the cereal I got? What? In the hotel. So I knew I needed food. I was like, right, I've been sick again. I need to throw some food into my face.

I don't understand how people are sick the next day. I've never ever, that's not, I've never done that. I, it was, there was just nothing. There was nothing, I mean, I don't want to get too disgusting here, but nothing came up. It was just like, bah. Bile. Oh, it was disgusting. Anyway, I phoned up room service, I mean, I don't want to get too disgusting here, but nothing came up. It was just like, bah. Bile. Oh, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I phoned up room service and I went, I was like, all right, mate, listen, can I just get like, I was like, you got special K. Like, bless him, I was hungover and like a northeast accent. Took him so long to work out what special K was. And then he was like, no, I've got cornflakes. I went, cornflakes? I went, mate, I went, just bring us like loads of cornflakes.

And he went, okay. And I went like loads. I was like an I've got cornflakes. I went, cornflakes? I went, mate, I went, just bring us, like, loads of cornflakes. And he went, okay. And I went, like, loads. I was like, like an offensive amount of cornflakes. And he went, for one or two people, sir? I went, it's for one, but pretend it's for two. And I'm not joking. He bought us a fucking bucket of, like, the biggest. Do you remember the old 90s adverts where they'd put the cornflakes or the cereal in the giantest, most biggest bowl ever?

I could have literally climbed into the fucking bowl. Did you beat the goal? I could have sat in it the full fucking lot all right there must have been half a box of corn flakes in there and i demolished them and then i sat looking at the updates on my phone for the tour and i had a little cry oh did you yeah so that was my what a lovely morning i just kept it up this from wembley arena cry and hung over in me pants just going me and me wife are so low Wembley you didn't tell us you had a cry my darling yeah

I've had loads of cries me all the time cheeky little cry and then I don't know how I did the one show I got there and I felt absolutely fine

someone got us a Big Mac so that was amazing and then I did the one show love a Big Mac it was bloody fantastic well we had a lovely big argument the other day didn't we

oh yeah people wanted to know about when the elderly women were nasty, did you? Right. So what happened was, is that thing, parents out there, you'll know, right? Sometimes you're with your kid and your kid all day is a piece of shit. Your kid acts like a piece of shit. They wind you up. And basically, he was good.

He was being great. He was fine but then for this one moment he stood in a doorway in an antique shop and I went out the way and he just

sometimes your kid just decides they go no you know what no just no and I went people are coming son

out the way out the way and I was trying to grab his hand and he was literally swooping his hand around have you ever tried like in school

you would try and grab someone's hand and they'd be like moving their hand around. That's his thing at the minute. Oh, he loves a bit of that. Or if you go, give me that, he'll like hold it away from you

in the air and you're like, oh, hey, I could get it, but I'm not going to. I'm going to keep asking you like a fool. So we're standing in the doorway

in this antique shop in Blooming, God knows where we were, somewhere in Northumberland and I'm going, come here, people in the way, Robin,

come here, son, people in the way, come here. And I like sort of just grabbed ahold of the side of his hoodie and I went get out of the way man but I'm I'm obviously that I talk the way I talk so maybe they it's they heard like a football hooligan going get out of the way they heard Barry Beef yeah right but I literally went and I had the side of his hoodie I went come get out of the way come here and these two ladies were these two older ladies Who were trying to get past They just did that thing

Where someone just judges your parent And they went Oh no They literally went They went Oh no Oh no He was fine

He was fine I went And this is what you saw You turned around And you saw me go He wasn't fine He wasn't listening I had to move him

That's what you saw. And they both glared at us like they wanted to kill us. But I didn't see that because I was walking away thinking, that's that situation over and done with because that's how my brain works. And then I got to you and you were like, why have you just spat in the open mouths of those two women? I just turned around to you having a fight with two older ladies and I'm thinking, what's going on?

Why is this happening? It wasn't a fight but it was that thing it was that thing where they go oh no what are you doing i disapprove of that and i've decided even though i don't know this child that he's fine he wasn't fine he wasn't listening he was directly disobeying his dad in a moment where he shouldn't be disobeying his dad and i just literally tugged him out of the way but they acted like but what they don't know these people parents out there

you'll know this when people judge your parent if you ever have to discipline your child in public and people judge your parent what they don't know is if someone came in with a gun

and put a gun to me head and said kill everyone in this room or I'm going to kill your kid those two ladies will be the first to go down don't like I love them

more than anything I'll do anything for them but in that moment he wasn't fucking listening why you have to go to that sort of analogy? It's how I explain things. You bloody love an analogy. I swear to God.

I would. If someone came in and said, you know, I'm going to take your kid away or you have to move out of everyone in this room, fucking let's dance. You're all getting killed. Oh, don't. Because I had a dream last night where we got robbed.

Right. And Robin got, like, stolen. It was really horrible. Stolen. Oh. Honestly. That is a dream, that. I know. Bloody fantastic dream. We're hitting the cupboard. It was really horrible. Stolen? Oh. Honestly. That is a dream. I know.

Bloody fantastic dream. We're hitting the cupboard but don't, don't. It was really awful. But bring him back in a week. Bring him back when he's seven. Bring him back when he fucking listens.

Oh, me babe. I'm joking. He's the best. Oh, it would kill us. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for Watch Your Bees. Chris.

Oh. All right. Hello. How are you doing? It's Barry. It's time for Watch Your Bees. Chris. Oh. All right. Hello. How are you doing? It's Barry. It's Barry. Hiya, Barry. What do you think it was like?

Just couldn't see your face, Barry, so I was just checking. People have been ringing you, Chris. Do you want to say a word? Yeah, actually. Everything all right? Yeah. No. Most of your family are getting involved.

That's irritating. Oh. I heard you're in London, isn't it? family are getting involved. That's irritating. I heard you're in London at the minute. It's not part of your pre-planned repertoire, is it not, Barry? Come on then. Yeah, what's this about London? Yeah, we're in London, man.

Just wondering if you want to come round to my little pad that I've got at the minute. You've got a fucking place in London. Oh, yeah, I've got a few, Chris. You've got a few places in London? Aye. What? I've currently sat in me little house, got one Belgravia. A bull of Bregari, I forgot how you say it. Bregari? The brand, the fashion brand?

The Belgravia? The housing? Do you want to pick somewhere else? Notting Hill? There we go, you want to pick somewhere else Notting Hill There we go You've got a place in Notting Hill I've got one Notting Hill I've got one Belgrave

I've got one Camden Got them all I want a place Jesus Christ Barry What I'm getting in touch with Congratulations Thank you I'm getting in touch

I heard that you're doing the tour Yeah Just ringing for that money That you owe us I beg your pardon Chris I beg your pardon Because I've read in the papers

You're doing the tour You're earning a lot of money I just want that money back that you owe us. I beg your pardon? Chris. I beg your pardon? Because I've read in the papers you're doing the tour, you're earning a lot of money. I just want that money back that you owe us because I want to keep it safe for Rosie because I don't trust you, Chris. What money do I owe you? Oh, yeah. I knew you'd do this.

I lent you that money in good entrust. Right. What was it for? I don't want to say on the radio. The radio! But I lent you that money and you said you'd get me that back. Alright, how much was it? I interested 80 million.

I didn't ask any questions, Chris. You know, I trust Chris. I didn't. You know, I trust you. Handshake. £80 million. I want it back. Is that with interest?

With interest. Tax deductible. Can I set up some kind of direct debit scheme where I can give you it by the month? Aye. Yeah. Just before I go, how's me bank? I mean, how's the bank? You mean Robin? Aye. Yeah. Just before I go, how's me ben? I mean, how's the ben? You mean Robin?

Aye, is that his name, aye? Are it? Good luck, you kid. Yeah, he's fine, aye. Great, right. I've got a gun. Right. I'm off.

I'll be there in a minute. Right, bye, lass. Try, don't tell Rosie. Oh, shit. Ah, bye. Jesus fucking Christ he gets more and more ridiculous every week

houses all over London and he's lent us 80 million fuck did he lend us that for hey was that Barry fuck's sake

what's your beef Jesus Christ my beef this week Christopher Ramsey, is you are very frightened about catching coronavirus. So much so that you had a tickly throat the other day

and you thought, do you think this could be coronavirus? Listen, right. I don't like the panic as much as anyone else, right? But there's only so many times I can hear people fucking freaking out about it and not believe it. I couldn't even watch the news this morning because it was on. That's another one. The other beef is, I put the news on this morning, BBC Breakfast.

Chris said, I can't watch this. And I said, why? And he said, I just can't watch the news at the minute. Honestly, right. I had I had a couple of days off social media because I was avoiding

the UFC result because when the UFC happens anyone anyone realises if I'm not on social media on a Sunday or a Monday or a Tuesday

it's because I haven't had a chance to watch a UFC so I don't I don't see who's won and I'm just so much happier when I'm not on and I literally go on and can I just say

a massive shout out to Lad Bible and and Unilad right because they're definitely listening because they did like a full on video cutting through all the bullshit of coronavirus

and it was like look don't panic because the media are just fucking doing it for clicks well I think because you've got a little touch of health anxiety

I've got that as well so I can understand that but just you know what in future babe ring your mam my beef with you this week is and I'm honestly it started it started I can understand that. But just, you know what? In future, babe, ring your mum. My beef with you this week is, and I'm honestly,

it's starting to drive us mad, right? To the point of where I was in this specific room with our son last night, or this morning, I think, and I had to rectify the problem and I went, as I was doing it. Is it the clothes on the floor?

No, it's not the clothes on the floor. And Rob went, so my dad died? And I had to go, nothing, son. You, you insist when you finish brushing your teeth, you insist on putting your toothbrush right on the side of the sink, right next to the tap, even though you've picked it up from the designated toothbrush area where the charger is. Yeah. Next to the toilet. Yeah. You've picked it up from the designated toothbrush area where the charger is. Yeah. Next to the toilet. Yeah. You've picked it up from that. It's on a shelf miles above the toilet. All the shit particles.

Who's got health anxiety now, Rosie? Just don't want to be brushing my teeth with your shit, Chris. Thanks. My shit? You're joking. You've definitely used that toilet 100% more than me. Well, I don't want to be brushing my teeth with my shit. Thanks, Chris.

Well, I respect that. You're literally... You've taken off that little shelf. You must take it off that little shelf. Really? So you've taken off that little shelf. Do you know why it's always on the little shelf? Because Muggan's here, puts it back on that little shelf.

Because you never fucking put it on that shelf. You must walk it. You must walk into that bathroom, look at the tap and go, where's my toothbrush? Where could it be? Oh, it's there. All right. Brush, brush, brush, brush, brush. Right back next to the cold tap.

So A, it's in the way of the fucking cold tap. Why is this a problem? It's just in the way of the tap. You can't do anything. It's just there. And it's always soaking wet. You don't dry it. It's soaking wet, standing there in its own filth. Bloody coronavirus running down the side of it. In its own filth. I'm sick of it. Put it in the side of it. In its own filth.

Sick of it. Put it in the designated toothbrush area. I don't want to. Why? The reason I put my toothbrush on the side is because on that little side bit there, that's the sink. And it means that when I wash my hands, I can kind of just wipe around the sink area. Does that make sense? Well, not if your toothbrush is standing there.

You can't. I know, but then the other bit is the tiles. So, oh, yeah. There's no excuse. Listen to me. Thank you. There's a designated toothbrush area where it should stand, and I'd like it to go there from now on. Because you put it right in front of the cold tap. I can't use that cold tap. I come in to fill up my water bottle. Sorry, I don't care.

Well, that's just offensive. That's just offensive. That's just offensive. Unbelievable. I do love you though 3% 10am baby 10am my darling it's time for questions from the public

public public so this week because we are in London we haven't brought our laptops with us, so we've got lots of this. Yeah, this is Ruslan. Apologies if you can hear the chairs as well. We're in very squeaky chairs here.

Apologies if you can hear them. I'm loving that this is a plonkast. Plonkast. That's the thing. We, cheers again, we walk into the office where our management is, literally with a bottle of wine, just going to the podcast studio,

going, we're going to go and report the podcast. Like every time I'm here. Last time I was here with you, I didn't drink in the building, but I did put some lager in the fridge to cool down. They must think I've got problems. Who do we think we are? Honestly, I tell you who we think we are.

People have nearly sold out Wembley to do that, so we think we are. Listen, yeah, cheers to that. Award winning. You're welcome. So I made the mistake, dear listener, of telling Rosie that,

I think it must have been when I was drunk. I said I've been a comedian for years and I've never won anything and now that Rosie got involved I've won stuff. Yeah.

So now and then, Rosie will just randomly walk, it shouldn't be me beef this week, you will randomly just walk up to me in the house and just touch me leg and look me in the eye and say, you're welcome. You're welcome. And up to me in the house and just touch my leg and look me in the eye and say,

you're welcome. You're welcome. And it's obnoxious and it's really fucking irritating. It's true though, isn't it? Yeah. Right. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Quick question for you.

How do you feel about an unknown carpet? Sorry? I'll explain this. Okay. We've recently moved house and my husband can't understand why I couldn't stand on the carpets without slippers on. I can't stand the thought of having my bare skin touch a carpet

that I have no knowledge of. Just to confirm, friends' and family's carpets are fine, but rental houses, Airbnbs, certain hotel chains, etc. are not okay. My first question is going to gonna be what about hotels but the phrase certain hotel chains has absolutely let me into her world in a way that i didn't think i'd get in she said chris i feel like you'll be with me on this and rosie if you're not what the fuck is wrong with you and that's from lauren thank you lauren wow um uh yeah Yeah, I can get on board with that. I can get on board with that. How long do you live in a house that you've bought,

where you move in, you go with the carpets are all right? Actually, they're quite decent. How long is it before you get really comfortable in amongst them carpets? Because I can see where she's coming from. I can, yeah. Now, I don't want to sound like a snob here, but I can completely tell. But my last two houses, so my first house, my world-famous bungalow that I had.fynhyl i gael y bungalw bachelor bungalw bungalw the uh the one story glory um

just made that up there well done really happy oh hey cheers what a self-congratulatory couple of wankers we are once we won an award anyway um that had that was a new build so that, so the carpets were there. Have we told the story about how the poor lady who showed us round had purchased it? Yes, I think we have. Have we told that? Yes.

Well, she'd purchased it, she'd picked all the carpets and stuff. She worked for the company, didn't she? She worked for the company, and then, bless her, something happened in her chain with her house, so she couldn't get it, and then I turned up, bought it, I was hungover she? She worked for the company. And then, bless her, something happened in her chain with her house, so she couldn't get it. And then I turned up, bought it. I was hungover. I was sick in the toilet.

There's a pattern here. Yeah. You just vomiting everywhere. That's nice. I didn't apologise to her, baby. Now, Madalyn, now... So they were new, is what I'm saying. They were new carpets

and in our house that we live in now we got the carpets redone because we had to rewire it so it was like you had to do

everything again I can understand I can but I don't want to sound like an idiot here but I feel like I'd better tell

if I'd be alright with a carpet or not what do you mean by the pile yeah I just feel like I'd better tell you can smell you can smell the carpet I mean you can get a carpet the pile yeah i just i just feel like a bit of tell a bit you can

smell you smell the carpet i mean you get a carpet cleaner if you've just moved into somewhere but i am i rented a place in manchester once and i went and bought a new mattress because i was like i'm gonna live here for six months i need a new mattress and the landlord was like what you're talking about i was like i need to go and i'm gonna go and buy a new mattress when you rent somewhere do you sleep on someone's mattress yeah the mattress was already there on the bed and it was like... Wow. People will be listening now going, what a fucking loser.

But I did, I went and bought another mattress because I was like, I'm not sleeping on it. And I know I'm totally hypocrite because in hotels, you're basically sleeping on the slag of all mattresses. That's true. It's with someone else, everything, the pillows and everything. It's just for a couple of nights. Yeah. It's not your bed. I totally, you know everything. It's just for a couple of nights. Yeah. It's not your bed. I totally, you know me, I could sleep on a bare mattress, right?

I caught you doing it the other day. I've done it before. I caught you doing it the other day. But as long as it's mine. Yeah. And all the stains are mine, then I'm quite happy with that. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah.

I couldn't be sleeping on somebody else's stained mattress. We'll discuss your pillow before. Your pillow's the pits, like. Still going. It's fucking, it's actually horrendous.'s the pits. It's still going. It's actually horrendous. It is horrendous. I know.

Yeah. It wouldn't look... You could literally drop it as a prop in CSI Miami or something. It looks like someone was murdered on that pillow. It's ridiculous. Well, I can't help it. Look at you getting offended about it. Look at you getting offended about your stinking pillow it's tan

and it's like saliva in that that's saliva yeah saliva yeah anyway what are you banging on about this mattress

I just think that I get what this person means I completely get what this person means was there no end to that story no no

it was just no I was just saying I'm like I'm a bit like her because I couldn't sleep on a different mattress now all I'm saying is I get it with the carpet thing and I do just saying I'm like, I'm a bit like her because I couldn't sleep on a different mattress. Now, all I'm saying is I get it with the carpet thing and I do get it with a certain hotel thing.

But you know what really upsets me? What? What really sends me over the edge? Carpet in bathrooms. Oh, I know. Fucking hell. I know. It's very 70s.

Oh, God. And then sometimes, sometimes it's like, hey, we've got lino. There's no carpet. Oh, great. No carpet. That's hygienic. Hold on. We'll put a rug around the toilet. Why?

Why have you done that? See, I'd never... As a woman, that's not a problem. Right. Having carpet in a bathroom as a woman isn't really an issue because we don't drip in that everywhere. But now, obviously living with you and having a little boy, you can't be having carpet around the loo. Don't you dare be

blaming his drips on me I hit the ball every single time I pride myself on my aim don't you don't you dare don't you dare

alright well him then he sprays aloe with a piece bless him he doesn't even realise sometimes that his knob is like stuck to his thigh and he weighs

and it just fucking goes like all over the wall and that. Yeah, my poor sister. Every time I see her, I can't. She's got two little boys, isn't she? Well, she's got the two lads who are like nine and ten. She's got a husband.

Every time I see her, she mentions piss around the toilet. Oh, did I? I swear. Hey, she sounds like good crap. It's just like it. Jesus. It's like. Hey, Rosie, I hear you won an award.

Yeah, you know, piss on toilets. Let's talk about that instead My life With these kids Hey kid Change your record will you Change the pissy record Christ alive

But it's true though Because they're like Two little boys And they have sword fights And I've seen them They have fights With the wee in that And everything

They have fights With the wee I mean I've seen them The weirdest bit What are you doing watching that Well like When they're being In the toilet I've seen them as the weirdest bit. What are you doing watching that? Well, like, when they've been in the toilet.

I've seen them. I haven't gone in and checked. I've just walked past and I've been like, Oi! Didn't she? Pack that in. I remember she actually sent a photo,

I think she had it on Facebook once and she was like, boys are disgusting. And it was, there was a smell in her room. This gave me a slight panic attack, actually. There was a smell in her room

and she said, she'd emptied the bin and everything. She couldn't tell what it was and then she lifted the bin up and there was a like green moldy banana peel stuck under the bin wow yeah i'll never forget that that really upset me i did well because you just weren't that kind of kid i wasn't i was not a i'm still not a proper boy no i'm not i'm not disgusting or dirty i'm very very clean hence buying a new mattress when I rented the place. Fucking landlord was over the moon.

I bet. Did you leave it there? Yeah, cool. Why didn't you take my mattress with us? I just left it there and moved to a different house. Goodness, I'd have took it with us. Well, I bought a new bed, didn't I,

in the next place and it was an Ikea mattress so it wasn't the one. It's a very boring, very boring story. I know. You've delved into a boring story there. I know.

Tell you what, let's talk about piss around toilets like you and Kate. Can't wait. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. is to be the mother mother of what? is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil

movie of the year the real story of what story of? who said that? The First Omen in theaters Friday gets it gets now right I've got one for you here

yes I was going through the questions the other day and I found this and you know how I've said time and time again that I'm so glad I'm married to you, you know, because I love you, etc. But mainly because I can't be arsed to be out there dating again, ever, because it's rank.

I totally understand that. Yeah, I think we both feel the same. I got this and I just felt so bad for the poor lady in question. So listen to this, right. A few months ago, i came out of a seven year relationship and being newly single in my 30s i thought i would give this tinder lock a go bad bad idea already in my opinion never been on there no i'm glad i'm glad so diving right back on the horse which part of the horse exactly jumped on the horse but okay uh jump right back

on i arranged a few dates with some guys two lessons i immediately learned dating in your 30s is very different from your 20s i wouldn't recommend it and also don't ever put your tinder don't ever put on your tinder profile looking to have some fun in life that means yeah sex. Yeah, brackets. I was basically, unknowingly, asking for no strings, humpy pumpy. Is this a woman or a man? I think it's a woman. Oh, bless her.

This is the story of one of my dates a few weeks ago that was so bizarre, I had to tell you. But unfortunately, not the only weird one I have been on since becoming single. I'm excited.

I met this guy in Guildford. It's really fucking weird and just strange. And I think the guy's seen too many films. But listen anyway. Okay. I met this guy in Guildford Town Centre and he seemed fairly nice. Got a drink and chatting.

Halfway through the date, I started telling him about my job as a chef. When he stopped me and lent in as if he was going to tell me a secret or give me a compliment. As I leant over, waiting to find out what he interrupted my story to say, he whispered to me, I want to ride you like a pony while you sit on my face. Oh, God.

Well, at first I thought he was having a joke. Then I looked at him and realised he was being deadly serious. I tried to laugh it off and said thanks but his raunchy idea wasn't actually logistically possible. I was just gonna, how do you write someone like a pony while he's sat on their face? When I got this email I sat for a good 20 I mean I nearly drew a diagram on the whiteboard

I couldn't get my head round it. He's just said the sex things that come to his head. Yeah it's like it's on shuffle. Oh what a creep. It's like one of the movies where I imagine he's on the date for the first time and all these like frat dudes are in a different they're in a van outside and they've got a walkie-talkie and he's got an earpiece in and it's like it's slightly broke up so like it was right about also and he didn't hear that all he just said both great um so uh

uh he just replied so you were talking about your job as if nothing weird had been said in that fucking creepy in that fucking creepy to just go there's that and then so you were talking about your job

he's read a book or he's just he's fucking got an idea some way of like there'll be a book out there there'll be a book out there of how to get laid yeah yeah yeah

just oh give them a bit of this and they'll be loving it oh what a oh god horrible so I tried to continue the date as normally as possible as if I'm not going to plead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, oh, give them a bit of this and they'll be loving it. Oh, what a, oh, God. So, I tried to continue the date as normally as possible, as if, thinking maybe I would give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance to redeem himself,

just in case it was indeed said as a joke. So we carried on talking and then he said, are you perving on me? I was confused and I said, excuse me, what do you mean? And then he said, well, you keep looking at me when we are talking. When I am into someone, I don't look right at them. I'm sorry, but where the fuck am I supposed to look? She's written here. I hate him. Yep. The guy on the table behind question mark. Then I decided this date was not for me. Gave my excuses and he walked me back to my car. Wouldn't be having him

walking me. no way. I wouldn't want him to know me, Reg. He said the ball's in my court if I wanted to contact him again. Brackets, I don't. Then I got into my car to go home. When he knocked on my window, I wound it down and found out what he wanted. He reached

out. No, what's he saying? This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life. Right, this is at a car. I felt a little bit sick. She's rolled down the window. She's rolled down the window and he's bent down looking in the window. He's going to lob his knob in. No, no, no. It's actually worse than lobbing the knob in. I would rather

he lob the knob in. What? He reached out, touched his finger to the tip of my nose and said, drive safe, angel princess. She's written here, a little bit of sick came up into my mouth at that point. Safe to say I will not be contacting him ever again.

Angel princess. Oh, yeah. Angel princess Oh yeah Oh god Bless her If you're listening mate We wish you all the best But fuck me

That could have only been worse if he lent in And he just touched her on the nose and he went 10am baby 10am my darling. Dear Rosie, I'm listening to episode 47 where the... Sorry. Dear who? Oh, there's no Chris.

I'm sorry. Dear Rosie. There's no Chris. I'll just go outside shall I? I'm so sorry. Fucking hell. Created a monster? monster no I genuinely did this is unbelievable

right sorry have you printed all these out but have you deleted my name from all the emails I promise you I swear anyone emailing shagmournanoid

at gmail.com please remember there's two of us here unbelievable sorry babe I did not realise that when I did it ah yeah fucking loved it

that's why you read it. Are you searching for Dear Rosie in the Instagram? No. In the inbox, sorry. Maybe. Yeah, right. Maybe. Dear Rosie and Chris.

Just write that in there. Bullshit. I'm listening to episode 47, where the lady was telling you guys about finding her sister on a porn site. You remember that one? Yeah, I remember her. Yeah, yeah remember her.

And I had to pause it to email you. I have a story that tops that. Well, I can just say, because you forgot who I was, I bet you it doesn't top that and I bet you it's a shit story. But carry on. It might have been me that deleted that. Oh!

Here we go! Eee! Look at that. No, when I copied and pasted it, maybe it went missing. Eee! Heavens above. Oh, yeah. look at that. No, when I copied and pasted it, maybe it went missing. Heavens above. Oh, yeah. Please keep me anonymous.

Okay. Me and my husband got engaged in 2009 and not long after, he was deployed abroad for a few months. He was happily telling everyone that we were to get married after he got home and showing off my face pictures.

Showing off my... Sorry. All right, so showing off my face, pictures. Showing off my... Sorry. All right, so showing off my pictures. It's got in brackets, face. So it's just pictures. Why didn't you just say pictures of my face? Well, no, because... No, I agree with that, that caveat.

I do, because obviously, you know, the squad, he's obviously Army or Navy or Air Force. Air Force, fucking hell. RAF. Yeah. So he's, you know, you think he's going to be out with the lads and all this. But to be fair, what that says to me is that says that she's definitely sent him nudes. She's definitely, definitely sent him nudes.

A million percent she has sent him nudes. But he's just shown them the face pictures. she has sent him nudes but he's just shown them the face well he's told her that he's told her that he's just showed the face right

like do you understand the way she's phrased that yeah yeah yeah so she's definitely sent her like full on cloud out photos right

yeah but she's but he said oh yeah just showed you just the face I only showed them your face

Sarge look at that. Don't zoom out, whatever you do. Oh, you zoomed out. Oh, God. Goodness me. Tits. Why are you naming them? Face.

We all know what you said. Tits, two of them. Fanny. Bum. Knee. Keep zooming. Feet. Keep zooming. Car that you're sitting in. Sky. Sky. knee keep zooming feet keep zooming

car that you're sitting in sky sky sun I'm literally crying this is ridiculous okay so he was happily telling everyone

and showing off my face pictures when one of the guys he was sharing barracks with went very red. Oh. Are you ready? He pulled my husband to one side and told him he needed to tell him something. Oh. This guy had been window shopping, with finger quotes, Right.

Right. This, right. You ready? I've already got opinions on this. Okay. Right. He was certain... Sorry, can I just say he was invested. He was invested if he knew from a glance at her face

that it was a different photo of her naked on a site. He was invested. He was invested with he knew from a glance at her face that it was a different photo of her naked on a site. He was invested. He was invested with her face. With the naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He was certain it was me. In fact, he had even been chatting with the woman in question that morning

so he was 100% positive I was cheating on my husband. There we go. Yeah. I know. Are you ready? Obviously, hubby was very, very pissed off

and on our next call, I got a whole lot of abuse for being a cheating percentage mark, dollar sign, star, exclamation mark. Right,

that's what Peter put. Yeah. How many is there? How many is there? There's one, two, three, four in a full stop.

That's twat that's slag slag or twat or shit there's loads of them four letters it's four letters babe

yeah dude cheating dude you are a cheating dude I hate you good lass right

gal yeah two L's imagine genuinely though imagine being told that and then having to wait

till the next call like the fucking poor guy it must be so hard doing that job he must have had to wait for so just fucking raging

oh my god okay come on I had absolutely no idea what was going on once I got him to calm down I asked if he had seen the pictures for himself He hadn't So I begged him to go look to prove it wasn't me

And asked him to try and get word to me when he had done so As if he didn't check What a fucking idiot I know, so this person just said I've literally flip-flopped I was literally like, poor guy Now I'm like, what a dick Surely you'd check though I've literally flip-flopped. I was literally like, poor guy, now I'm like, what a dick.

Surely you'd check though. Although, if you're out there and somebody's like, mate, I'm chatting to her I can only imagine what the camaraderie must be like

when you go through shit like that with someone. And not that, not that, you are miles away from your partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course,

it's understandable. As a wife of a husband who works away a lot, you know, I've got my picture. I mean, there's work in a way. There's work in a way, then there's work in a way. Well, I know, but I've got my picture dotted all over the place. So if you ever found out, I'd be, you know, worried. Can I have a topper, please?

Thankfully, we don't get very good signal in the two I've had. Q. Oh, this is frustrating. Thankfully, we don't get a very good signal in the two I've had. Q, oh, this is frustrating. Three very, very confused days waiting to hear what the outcome was. Oh, bless. See? You are right.

See? Horrible. I can tell you I was never prepared for what would come when he finally got back to me. Are you ready for this? Yeah. Yes. The profile was in my name, but the photo was of... Are you ready for this? Yeah. Yes. The profile was in my name, but the photo was of... Are you ready for this?

Yeah. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. My auntie. Fuck off. Yeah. No way. Now, I must point out that there is less than 10 years between me and my auntie, and we do look quite similar, but still, the cheeky cow was using my name

to show off all her bits and chat up men in uniform. Wow. I was mortified, as was my poor husband. Not only had he gone mad at me thinking that I was cheating on him, but he then ended up seeing my auntie in the nib fucking wonderful oh gosh can you imagine that wow

catfished by your auntie wow so it wasn't so it wasn't her in the picture but they must look they must look

really similar but it was her name. Well, they were called then. So it was like, this is... And the guys thought, oh, it must just be a similar name. And then he saw the photo and he thought, fucking hell, it's the same name and they look exactly the same. Why would you do that?

Why wouldn't you just use a pseudonym? Is it a different name? Why? Is that right? Pseudonym? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sudenum. Author.

Yeah. You're an author now. Great. Can you imagine it was like, I don't know what her name is, but imagine her name's like, I don't know, Lorraine Smith.

Imagine the profile said, Auntie Lorraine Smith. Oh no, hold on. It's her auntie. Look, it's got auntie written there. How do you not know that? Hey, beautiful. Sir Andy Lucas Scott, isn't he written there? How do you not know that? Hey, beautiful. Dear Chris and Rosie, I've been with my boyfriend for over five years now and we've been properly living together for two.

Since we've been living together, I've noticed my boyfriend always has to take a shit with the light on. Right. Whenever I ask him why he does it, he insists it helps him shit. This winds me up for two reasons. One, we're renting in London and that's already expensive enough with the added on-off of the light switch to aid his shitting. How can I say it when he's a scrooge?

Well, two, he does it during the day when it's light. Right. Please confirm my suspicions that he's weird and this is not a thing and he can shit in the dark. Thanks, Kat. Sorry. What's our problem here? That he has the light on even if it's light.

Because he has to turn the light on to have a poo. So they must have a dark, shady little bathroom. Well, she's saying when it's light, even during the day he puts it on. That would be annoying. Yeah, but it must be a shady kind of bathroom. I think it's saying when it's light, even during the day, put it on. That would be annoying. Yeah, but it must be a shady kind of bathroom. I think it's part of the process. Really? So much so that she has felt the need to email in to complain about that.

So does she want shit in the dark on a night? Is that what she wants? She wants my shit? I love a poo in the dark. Oh, hey. Hey, I've never done that. Fantastic. Is it? Absolutely fantastic. Why? Sometimes I leave the landing light on, hey. Hey, I've never done that. Fantastic. Is it?

Absolutely fantastic. Why? Sometimes I leave the landing light on, leave the door open a little bit, so there's a bit of light coming in, but it's just poo in the dark. I feel like I'm in the forest or something. Wow.

I think I'm going back to my roots. Not that I'm from a forest, but you know what I mean. Groot? Is that you? I am Groot. I don't know how much light he needs. Maybe it's a little shady little bathroom.

Okay, I get it. Do you know what it reminded me of? What? I keep on shitting with the lights on. I keep on shitting with the lights on. Oh, God. Okay, I've got another one for you here. This is a little bit long, but it's from a health professional. I was working as a doctor and resource in ANA when we received an alert call

that an elderly gentleman was being brought in by an ambulance and the presenting complaint was a seizure. The staff were primed and ready to go for this potential emergency Oh. Great. Now, usually a handover is a brief and concise history with things including what treatment the paramedics had administered. This was not the case here, however. The paramedic instead prepared us for this epic tale. Let me set the scene. She's proud. He declared as we all gathered around.

He told us in detail how he entered the property. The door was fortunately unlocked to find an unlikely site. They entered the room to find the floor covered in empty bottles of alcohol and porn magazines. Magazines? Old school. Old school. Wow. Isn't it weird that that's the first thing we took

from that? The alcohol I completely ignored. I was like, alright, cool. Magazines? Not porn magazines. I just like the articles. Alright. I ignored. I was like, all right, cool. Magazines. Porn magazines. I just like the articles. All right, then. However, more unusual was the sight of a man's arse stuck up in the air wearing a white thong. Happy days.

The elderly gentleman had somehow fallen and had got stuck in a bent-over position, sort of resembling a triangle, with his face on the floor and his mobile phone, from which he had called 999, still playing porn. He's double-porning! He's double-porning! He's got the... Oh, what shall I look at? He's got the video, so he's got a video on,

but he's also got the magazines all laid out in case his gaze wanders. It's like audio and visual. I'd like to add that this is at 11am. Oh, why is it... It is weird. Is the alcohol weird at that time or is it the porn? I think it's a bit of both.

I don't know what's weird. I'm trying to think what's the earliest I've ever had a wank. Oh, great. I don't know. Oh, romance. You wanted to be part of this double action. Oh, hey, listen. Cheers. if I had a wank great I don't know oh romance listen hey cheers you wanted to be part

of this double action hey listen cheers cheers to your what time was it then eight no I don't nine

I wouldn't like to put a number on it half five does it does it count if you haven't been to sleep I'm joking

what time was your earliest wank I don't know I'm just trying to think yes you do you do you just don't been to sleep? I'm joking. What time was your earliest one? I don't know. I'm just trying to think. Yes, you do. You do. You just don't want to tell us.

Come on. 6am. I reckon I've probably had one. 7? Easily before 9 in the morning, I reckon. You're a dirty dog. Easily before 9 in the morning. There was never any fucking magazines involved, like.

Jesus. Bit of alcohol. Right. They quickly helped the poor chap up, only to be surprised yet again. He had fashioned a homemade cock ring out of an elastic band and his peas... Peasies? And his penis was looking very sorry for itself. Oh my God. He told the paramedics that he had had a seizure and he had no idea what he had done or was doing.

Great. That's a good get out. Fucking brilliant get out. Well, I adopted my best poker face as I went to see the gentleman. He was very confused and wasn't making much sense. Excellent. His penis was particularly swollen and most likely at risk of some real damage at this point. As the A&A sister and myself were about to cut off the thong and the elastic band... I don't fucking know what I'm... Do you know how when a fish gets caught in a fucking four-pack... a four-pack of cans thing?

Oh, no. Jesus. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I totally know what you mean. So they're cutting off the thong in the elastic band. The curtains were thrown open to reveal his family pushing into the cubicle. No way. And I don't mean his immediate family.

I mean his extended family. Oh, right. There must have been 12 of them of varying ages, all seeing their relative in all his glory. Right. I'm sorry to be sort of negative here, but he's got a few quid. Why do you say that? Yeah, well, he's got a few quid.

What, they've all come to check? Oh, he's gone to hospital. Oh, quick, everyone, get your coat. What do you want? Do you want that new car, Denise? Do you want that new car? The other uncle, Dave, is in the hospital now, man. I've just had a phone call.

Oh, Jesus. That's sad. I'm telling you, that's the crack. You ready? And guess what? You know what? It fucking serves them right. The soys, the fucking cock-ringed, you know, thrust up, thrust up, bloody tied up, saddle whipped.

I don't even think that's a thing. Nothing to do with a saddle whipped. I don't even think that's a thing. Nothing to do with a saddle whip. I don't know. After telling them off, shooing them out and apologising to the poor man, we released him from his elastic burdens. That's the phrase I was looking for. Elastic burdens.

Elastic burdens. Why is it such a fucking Marilyn Manson song Elastic Burden You know when you did Tainted Love It went Elastic Burden Elastic Burden Jesus

Chaffage Chaffage Love As Chris likes D.D.L I do like D. Jesus. Chaffer. Chaffer's love. As Chris likes D.D.L. I do like D.D.L., thank you. Hey, thank you for remembering I'm part of this podcast, by the way, that person. What are you talking about? They put dear Chris at the top. They did put Chris and Rosie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm getting specifics now. I'm getting specifics. Right. How he acquired the thong is still a mystery. Wow. It was definitely not his wife's, as she was a larger lady, and these fit him very well. Sorry, he had a wife? Where was his wife? His wife's there.

Jesus. With the family. Oh, great. Okay. Either it was purposely bought, or worse, his daughter's. Oh! But that's just... That is awful.

Slander. So he's put the thong on so tight, he's knocked himself out. No. She's just saying it doesn't know where the thong came from. It's not his wife's. He might have bought it. He might like thongs. We're not judging you.

But getting caught, you haven't ring the ambulance. Sorry, I feel like I need to interrupt you. I'm judging. Are you judging? Oh, big time. He just wants a little wank in his thong, man. Leave him alone. Well, right.

I'm judging that he had magazines. I'm judging that he used his daughter's thong. We don't know that. No. Okay, here we go. After a period of observation and normal initial investigations, I went to check in on the patient. His wife was sitting in the corner with a face like thunder. He still appeared confused as I tried to ask him

if he had a history of seizures or took any medication. Before he had a chance to answer, his wife exclaimed, no bloody history of seizures or medication, but this is not the first time he's done this before No bloody seizures or medication But I'll tell you what he has got He's got bloody broadband and a bloody subscription to Razzle That's what he's got And he's got a problem It's what he's got

It's a bloody perv Immediately the confusion vanished And he's got a problem. It's what he's got. It's a bloody perv. Immediately the confusion vanished. He just shrugged and began to tuck into his lunch to my obvious shock. It turned out that he had faked having seizures and being confused because of embarrassment. And this wasn't the first time his extracurricular activities had landed him in a compromising position with a trip to A&E. Fucking hell. Right.

Do you know what it is? Sorry, I take back what I said. I apologise to his family. I take back what I said about him having a few quid. I think his wife's literally went, George, next time you do this, I'm not joking, I'm bringing the Bairns down,

I'm bringing the cousins down, I'm bringing the nieces down, I'm bringing everyone down to see you with your daughter's thong on wrapped round your knob passing out because you've tied

your cock ring too tight you should be ashamed of yourself listen to this listen to this right I'd like to end this story with the fact that his wife

had left the house with their daughter to pick up the relatives for a family reunion later that day therefore he had taken the game of a danger wang to a level relatives for a family reunion later that day. Therefore, he had taken the game of a danger

wang to a level that us mere mortals cannot even comprehend. Wow. Wow. Please leave the synonymous. Rosie's pissed. So... That is amazing. Can I just say... He knew they were going to find him like that. That's amazing.

Can I just say, sometimes, I know, I can imagine, you know, family times are stressful sometimes, Christmas and everything. You know, if everyone's coming round, he might have wanted a quick little... just to relieve the old stress and sort himself out for the day. But he's... He's taken it to a full new level. Good God.

He's put a cock ring on that's too tight and he's got his daughter's thong on. I didn't know. What's he doing it? Can I just say, as a man, not that it's something I've ever done, cock ringage, but I didn't know it was possible to put a cock ring on so tight that you passed out.

I didn't know that was possible. You heard it out. But that has taught me a lesson that I, well, A, I didn't need, but, you know, learning, you know. Chris, you never know. You're only 33. Because now I'm just power.

You're only 33. You might get to George's age and think you know what i fancy a little cock ring i'm sick of wanking i don't think sick of these plain plain vanilla wanks i love the fact that he's still got can i just say i love the fact that he's still got all his old favorite porn mags you know he had them lined out on the floor he's kept them oh. Oh, God. Ring of porn. Oh, God. God love him. No. Not really. No, it's horrible.

Sorry. Sorry, I take that back. I would be livid. Full fucking family. Doesn't care. What time is it? What time is dinner, Denise? No, we've just got to

quickly pop to the hospital because George put his cochrane on too tight again. I told you it's dinner. I told you. I told you I'd take you. Your phone's charged. Get photos of the pervert.

Insta stories. No, she doesn't want a thong back, George. She doesn't. No, you keep that one now. That's yours. I'll write your name in the back of it.

George, horror. And back of it. George, horror. And that's it. Another podcast over. Thank you so, so much for listening. We love you guys. Guys, we genuinely do love you.

No, we really do. No, no, but like genuinely, it sounds like we love you guys, but I hear artists and pop stars and people saying things like we love you, I love you, and you don't love them. We love you. We do love you. we love you guys, but I hear artists and pop stars and people saying things like, we love you, I love you, and they go, you don't love them. We love you.

We do love you. We love you. There's still some tickets available for Wembley Arena. Oh, my God. OMG. But not many. Edinburgh will probably be sold out by the time this comes out. There's some for Newcastle.

The book, the Shagag Mary Roy book is fully underway and available for pre-order now I think WH Smiths have still got a few signed copies and Waterstones have still got some signed copies only a few but not many

get on that and I tell you what what's all all this bloody stuff about me and you I'm my own person I'm my own guy I'm going on tour

this month it's sold out yeah it is to be fair so shut up just wanted to show off that it was all sold out. Yeah, it is, to be fair. So, shut up. Just wanted to show off that it was all sold out. Thank you for listening to the Ploncast this week. Cheers, everyone.

We're off to get some scrunch. Love you. Have a lovely day. We love you. Bye. 10am, baby. 10am, my darling. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.