Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 56. The Depositor

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

It's strange times across the globe and this week Chris and Rosie bring you an extended version of the podcast. Not only do they discuss their feelings around the current situation (including good deeds that didn't go to plan)but they deliver beef with a spin and they answer your questions and read your (filthy) stories. It will bring a whole new meaning to the word 'deposit'. Enjoy and stay safe! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello. You're listening to Shagmode Annoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and me husband, Chris Ramsey. Hello, hello indeed. Me husband. You've went all shields there. Me husband, Chris Ramsey. Because I haven't left the house for a flipping week, Chris. I've only been talking to people in the street.

I'm sick of me life. Oh my goodness me. Hi everyone, thank you so much for listening. We hope you're all alright. We hope you're all safe. We're here to cheer you up, aren't we, Rosie? We are here to cheer you up, yes. Well? we are here to cheer you up yes well we're going to try our best we are we are obviously living in the same world as you guys right now it's a bit dark

it's a bit dismal but you know what having a laugh makes you feel good inside Rosie's been doing her daily little dance videos on Instagram

I've made a cameo on a couple of them they've been very very helpful and enjoyable to many people I think Rosie I hope so it's a public service and you know what?

I might lose a bit of Clem at the same time. So, silver lining. Clem is weight. For anyone who doesn't know what Clem means, she means weight. Yeah. As always, guys, thanks for listening. It's episode 56.

Is it now? 56. And before we go, a word from this week's non-lucrative, literally, they aren't giving me any money for this at all, but I thought I'd give them a shout out anyway, sponsor. This week's non-lucrative literally they aren't giving me any money for this at all but i thought i'd give them a shout out anyway sponsor this week's sponsor is cerveza corona the beer the spanish the mexican beer sorry corona has nothing to do with the coronavirus nothing you fucking idiots i if anyone out there believes that the beer

has I understand it might put you off a little bit but look people are hoarding beer why are you I'm sorry Corona haven't given me

a penny right Rosie can you imagine how gutted you'd be if a flu came out tomorrow and it was called the Rosie Ramsey virus I mean nobody would speak to us anymore

I'd be shunned in the street I'd lose all my friends Robin would probably get tucken off tuck tuck tucken tucken tucken away tucken away anymore i'd be shunned in the street i'd lose all my friends robin would probably get took enough with grandma like that i'm sure he should be tucking away anyway um jesus taking taking off you yeah that's what i meant to say um it must be ming and they've lost millions they've lost hundreds of millions of pounds it's so sad i mean so sad why didn't anyone check with them why didn't anyone go should we call it hold on do you know that's quite a famous beer that might actually get

like i'm not being funny do you really think the coronavirus cares about corona beer it didn't name itself like a like a fucking kid picking its own nickname it got named by scientists well they clearly don't drink don't drink beer with lime in. I think actually the corona family of viruses is beer because I think Zika, the Zika virus is part of the corona family. Basically, it's had a kick in the bollocks, right? But we still love it.

I still love corona. I've got a fridge full and I am doing my bit. Do your bit. There we go. Drink. Drink. Responsibly drink drink responsibly drink responsibly

all I'm saying is I'm giving them a shout out because god it must be it must be a nightmare yeah so there you go I'd also like to shout out anyone who is currently

19 because that's getting a battering as well if you're 19 if you're 19th birthday happy 19th birthday don't speak to me about 19

bastards I didn't think of that yeah I didn't think of that. Yeah. I didn't think of that. Good God. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle you through. Nice and long. Nice and long and girthy and shifty. Oh, that's... Little Bobby Shafto's long

podcast. Why is it just silly and a bit daft when I do it? When you say it, it really makes us, I don't know, makes us feel a little bit ill. What do you mean? What, I can't... Girthy and shifty, I don't know. It's weird when a girl says it. Oh, how sexist. It feels intimidating, Rosie. Does it actually? Yeah, it feels like I'm getting a bad review.

It wasn't girthy and soft and I'm disappointed. And I had to go to the toilet and finish myself off. Ooh, from a girl's point of view, nobody wants long and girthy. That's just... Really? You want either or. Either or. I don't want them both at the same time.

I did not think that was going to be the answer coming out of your mouth either or i just thought you're going to say you want them you know normal size and they want to know what to do with it but either or is very funny well you just want either or you can't deal with both at the same time you want to either be long and a bit skinny or short and a bit girthy don't not both at the same time welcome to the show and that sentence that sentence there is why Rosie's

banned from Subway look at I want it fucking long right or like little and fat not foot long if you want to come over that counter

I'll fucking smack you I will that's why that's why we're banned that's why she's banned from Subway banned life ban

from Subway so life ban from Subway so what have you been up to other than shitting your pants I've been shitting my pants drinking loads

loads of alcohol yeah shitting my pants again and then just like worrying about the world yeah so

I mean listen listen let's lethal here right I'm listening I've got headphones on and everyone listening

is listening well listen do you reckon they weren't paying attention and you said listen and they went oh hold on maybe

oh shit something good's coming spark your ears up it's really shit at the minute isn't it yeah it's rubbish it's really shit it's rubbish

it's really depressing but you know what just gotta crack on you know what I've been doing this we've been doing this I'm looking at the little timer well I can't really say the timer because I don't know what I I've been doing this. We've been doing this. I'm looking at the little timer. Well, I can't really say the timer

because we don't know what will get edited out. But we haven't been doing this podcast long. Probably as listening five minutes. I already feel better. Me too. Just from having the headphones on, having a little chat and having a laugh. Yeah.

I feel a lot better. Me too. Yeah. So, you know, there's a lot going on. Lives are changing. Everyone's in a bit peril about work and things like that. But I think the real victim here

is me okay yeah cool um expand just just because like our year was pretty much planned out yeah and the people always say to us they're like oh hashtag couple goals you guys you get on so well the one of the main probably the main reason that we get on so well is because for half of the year you're not here. Yes, yes. Your tour, I still don't know what's happening exactly. It's a little bit in jeopardy. It's looking 100%.

At the time of recording, so we're recording this on Wednesday, it'll probably be announced by Friday that 100%, my first Leg of Me tour is being moved to 2021. So, yeah. So, you're not going away? No, I'm here. I'm here now. I'm here now until June. Great. Well, I'm sorry, but... Well, Rosie, there going away? No, I'm here. I'm here now. I'm here now until June. Great.

Well, I'm sorry, but... Well, Rosie, there's going to be a few changes around here. Eh? There's going to be a few changes around here. You're going to have to put your ideas up. You're going to have to put your ideas right. I'm sorry, but...

Or you'll be out on your arse. Listen, I could fake a coronavirus death in this house if I have to, if needs be. Do you know, apparently I read somewhere

that, you know, in China, apparently people have come out of isolation. 88 couples are being divorced or filing for divorce. Yeah, I've heard that. So that's the thing.

So apparently it's either baby boom or loads of people get divorced. Baby, this makes me laugh. Everyone's like, oh, baby boom. No, I'm not being funny.

You don't want to have sex with someone who you spent like a full week with. Not just that, right? Repulsed. I'm repulsed by you already excellent uh lovely um i've got health anxiety right i'm always thinking about funny i didn't realize that no but like like the last thing i want to do is when they're going oh and covering or hanky oh and droplets and sneezing and saliva and fluids

or do you fancy a bit of a do you fancy a quick book absolutely not thanks I've just been watching fucking Boris Johnson Resident Evil live on the news I don't want to let you put your bodily fluids on us bollocks

where's the hand sanitizer it's all going on here guys so it's right the arena the houses are rocking the arena shows that we do

in September that I'm I'm assuming this will all be fucking gone by then hopefully touch wood but the Shagmari Noid Tour that we do might just be one hour or it might be like, oh, do you know what we're going to do? It might be, can you remember when Outkast fell out and they had one-

I'm sorry, was it Jackson? Yeah, Outkast. Outkast. They fell out, the two guys, and they brought an album out and on one side was the front of one album and you flipped it round and on the other side, so it was like two albums had been glued together upside down no way so they brought out a double album separate full separate music because they didn't get on that i didn't know that yeah yeah yeah we'll be like liam and noel we will be like the gallagher's yeah yeah yeah so you can do the first

half in the in the um on the two other shag marion or two you can come out and do the first half right i'll do the second half because I'm obviously clearly more of a headliner so yeah oh it's funny because I can't remember you selling out Wembley on your own guess what

you didn't do it on your own either ah well you didn't blip and dee before you were dealing with me mate

so something that's been happening a lot recently to me yeah is i've been in company of um like instagrammers and stuff like that and a lot of people from down south and stuff the word bougie it's getting used all the time and i have no i've used it myself embarrassingly right i've got no idea what it actually fully means I've got I think I know

what it means right but I don't know if that's true and I'm just feel like I'm embarrassing myself do you know

what it means I've heard it weirdly I said it today you said it today well I was rapping in the car to I basically

was driving along trying to cheer myself up when I'd be in the shop with my mom and i put um the watch the throne album the jay-z and kanye west album um and it's got my favorite songs fellas in paris right i change it whenever there's an n word i change it to fellas great so that's that's that's what i've done for you because i love hip-hop but i can't say the n word okay so i always change it to fella. Great. I mean, it does sound like, you know, an over 40 stag do.

But I do. So anyone, listen, any white men out there who like rapping along to gangster hip hop, gangster rap, just change it to fellas. Right. What is the song with bougie in? Fellas in Paris. Uh-huh. And there's a bit where...

I didn't know this I did not know you did this at all because you love all that kind of music I've always wondered how you've got away with that part

that's great so yeah so so Kanye West when he's doing his second verse I think in Fellas in Paris

so he says bougie girl grab my hand fuck that bitch she don't wanna dance she's my friend when I'm in France. I'm just saying. Prince William's ain't do it right, if you ask me.

Because I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley. Was Gucci my fella? Was Louis my killer? Was drugs my dilla? What's that jacket, Margiela? Doctors say I'm the illest. Because I'm something from Willis. Got my fellas in Paris.

And they going gorillas. Great. So, bougie girl. Bougie is in Paris and they go in gorillas great so bougie girl bougie is in there so what does it mean bougie girl grab my hand fuck that bitch if she want a chance

no no well Jay Z it's moved to middle class white women just saying bougie left right and centre that tends to be

everything that happens with popular culture to be fair that's normally what happens I've just got no idea what it means and I've heard it loads can you put it in context

for us because the Kanye West thing is just kind of... So, like, oh, this event's very bougie. Oh, for fuck's sake. Do they not mean bougie? Like drunk?

I don't know. Just bougie. And I've, like, been like, oh, yeah, bougie. Oh, great, great, great. There you are. There you are.

What a sheep you are. Look at you. Unbelievable. That's terrible. I've got no idea what you're talking about. You've been going, right, should we Google it at least? Yeah, come on. Bougie. I wonder how you spell it. at you. Unbelievable. That's terrible. I've got no idea what you're talking about. Shall we Google it at least? Yeah, come on. Bougie. I wonder how you spell it.

I'll Google fellas in Paris lyrics. I've wrote F-E. Okay, here we go. Oh, what does bougie mean? Relating to or characteristic of a person who aspires to the upper middle class or a fancy lifestyle he spends

too much on bougie stuff he can't afford oh there we go bougie girl grab my hand fuck that bitch if she don't want to dance oh so yeah when people are saying oh it's very bougie it's very bougie so it's like it's posh yeah oh well no I don't know what it meant oh right okay so there we go so that whole bit

bougie girl grab my hand fuck that bitch if she don't want to dance she's my friend when I'm in France I'm just saying Prince Williams didn't do it right meant ah right okay so there we go so that whole bit bougie girl grab my hand fuck that bitch I wanna dance she's my friend when I'm in France I'm just saying Prince Williams didn't do it right if he asked me if I was him I would have married

Mary Kate and Ashley don't go posh don't go posh go go scum like Rosie Ramsey scum level yeah I get it

listen can we just take a minute to chat about the numpties who message me on Instagram and some of the really good ones I've had recently I love these so much can i just say honestly i just i feel like i thought i was putting myself in a safe space by not reading the requests yeah yeah so it's just people who i might

have messaged before but even they're not safe anymore um so for anyone listening who doesn't know what we're talking about basically now and then rosie will get a either very passive aggressive and hilarious message or sometimes ones that genuinely don't know they're being such dicks continue because the one you told me the other day i was so happy well i'll tell you that in a minute i'll tell you that one in a minute but there was another one that i hadn't told you about yeah so the other day i was on my instagram and i was like just got up and i was talking about i was like we've got a treadmill i was like i might go on the treadmill got a message from someone saying you shouldn't might go on the treadmill. Got a message from someone saying,

you shouldn't probably go on the treadmill because there's a food shortage at the minute. And if you go on the treadmill, you're going to need to eat more food. And because of the shortage, you probably shouldn't do that. Oh, Jesus Christ, man. What?

There isn't a food shortage. Can I just say, there isn't a food shortage. Fucking idiots are buying loads and putting it in their houses. Do us a favour if you listen to this. Stop hoarding stuff. Stop buying those. Stop hoarding toilet roll. If you've got running water, you don't need toilet roll.

Can I just say, rarely, rarely am I proved so right. That was really loud. Sorry, but rarely am I proved so right. Don't use toilet roll if you've got running water and a shower head. Jump in the shower, squat down, spray your arse. A, it's cleaner. B, tell you what,

feels quite nice. Yeah. So there you go. It's called, in the gay community, it's called douching. Right. Well, I don't squirt it up there just as the outside.

I keep the doors shut. Oh, blin. I don't open the doors. A little douche every now and again doesn't do any harm. So the best one that I got was I put some pictures on Instagram the other day from three years ago

when I got my teeth whitened and I just thought mate because I was going through all my photos from years ago and I just came across about 20 pictures of me with my teeth like my mouth wide open and pictures of my teeth that I'd sent my mom and my sister to show like before and after. It just made us laugh, so I put it on.

And got a message from someone who hadn't read the full thing that I'd said this is from three years ago. Got a message saying, oh, hi, Rosie. You know, I was just thinking last weekend when I was looking at your stories, thinking she could do with her teeth whitened.

And lo and behold, you have. Looks great. So that was nice. That was nice. Amongst all of the utter shite going on, apparently. My teeth are shit as well! That's honestly like, you know how sometimes you put the photos of the house on,

you put the before and after photos. You like what our house looked like beforehand and then the new and that's like can you imagine someone looking at them in the wrong order and going oh i'm so glad you got rid of all that cream shitty wooden stuff and you put all that and you put all that green new carpet down that's much nicer you're like fucking the wrong way around dick that's basically what they've done but with your face. Yeah, with a part of my body. So now I'm like, well, I'm not because I can be arsed. But, you know, if I was a less confident person, I'd be worried about getting my teeth whitened.

Oh, no. But, I mean, it made us laugh. I think they meant it in the nicest of ways, Wells. I was looking at your pictures, Eddie, thinking she needs her teeth whitened. I know. Who thinks that? Well, probably a lot of people,

but who actually messages that? I don't know if anyone's pictures have thought that. I know. Wow. You know you're going to get an apology text off the map and you're going to get a message on the purpose. Well, maybe I should. Maybe it's this.

I'm just trying to teach people that not, they don't have to write everything that they think down and send it to people. Exactly. You know what I mean? Because as one of those people, we don't fucking want to know. We don't care what you think

about our teeth. They upset you. Oh no, genuinely didn't upset us. I found it very funny. But imagine if it had upset us. Yeah. Anyway. I mean, it definitely upset us. Yeah. Anyway. I mean,

it definitely sounds like it has. Do you know there's a teeth whitening shortage? Is there? Nah. Can we all also stop posting photos of empty shelves in supermarkets? I know what an empty shelf looks like. I don't want you to fucking see another one.

And I don't need you all making people panic and run to the shops. Because guess what? I saw an empty shelf today, but guess what was next to it? A fucking full shelf. Of what?

Toothbrushes. Wow. Yeah. Stuff no one needs. Birthday candles. WD40. I'm being funny. Naughty piñatas.

I don't understand why everyone wasn't going out buying loads of wine. That was the first thing you asked me, by the way. That was funny. I was like,atas. I don't understand why everyone wasn't going out buying loads of wine. That was the first thing you asked me, by the way. That was funny. I was like, people are panic buying. And you were like, are they going to run out of wine? I said, I don't think so. You went, okay, doesn't matter then.

That was good. I'm genuinely looking forward to losing a bit of weight. Although, everyone's buying pasta. Everyone's like, pasta. I'm like, Nate, think of the carbs. Everyone's going to come out with this. Like, absolutely massive. Massive, pregnant, fat, shagged out Teeth black

The shortage of teeth I don't want to tell them We are currently Going through Derry Girls Which is wonderful Phenomenal One of the best TV shows I've watched of recent time Up there with

this country we should have done a little list of stuff because people are isolating all right well let's do that now right american office okay sorry i thought you might have wanted to i thought you might have wanted to sort of flag it up with like maybe a little jingle or here's the list you just went straight into it oh no just here, just, here we go. Bish, bash, bosh. We're in a crisis. Rosie's got a shopping list for you. So, yeah, stuff that people can watch. American Office, as you say. Parks and Rec.

Parks and Rec. Oh, my God, get on Parks and Rec. Derry Girls. Derry Girls. This Country. This Country. If you haven't seen Broadchurch, that's amazing. I'm talking about lighthearted stuff, Chris.

Don't watch, do not watch Broadchurch. But no kids can go missing because no one's allowed out. All right, about lighthearted stuff, Chris. Don't watch... I don't think people need Broadchurch. But no kids can go missing because no one's allowed out. All right, yeah, okay. Safe times. Broadchurch is there. The Veep. Veep is great.

Not the Veep, sorry. Just Veep. Yeah, Veep is fantastic. Yeah, what else? Think of It. It's very good. Very good. It's a stand-up special

by a little comedian called Chris Ramsey on Amazon Prime. I've seen it. It's not that good. Yeah, it's called Approval Needed and I think you'll find it's some of the best stuff he's ever written

Wardwyn and Sandow comedian listen if you get honestly if you watch all of that if this goes on for a while maybe squeeze it in there

at some point put it on if you are up your eyeballs with coronavirus and you're on the last legs of it stick my show on

and it will finish you off and put you on the street. Listen, don't put yourself down. We'll save that for the week. Right. Put it on for the week. Yeah.

Yeah, good. I want to be buried in a sort of a six-sided LCD TV that's just constantly playing my stand-up special and all of my best panel show appearances. Can you imagine that? That would be shocking.

What do you mean? It's going to happen? Listen, I don't know if we've ever had this conversation, but now seems to be a really good time. Excellent. Would you like to be buried or cremated? Have we had this conversation?

We might have had this conversation. I feel like we have. I feel like I wasn't listening. Either way, I think I've said it before, and if haven't i've changed my mind stuffed and mounted please in the front room on a chair playstation controller in hand penis in the other yeah but a dominoes on top of the penis just for a laugh so like a perfectly preserved dominoes on the top of the penis right and then you go oh look kids there's grandad there's grandad chris

no but then everyone laughs right and then like when the? And then you go, oh, look, kids, there's Grandad, there's Grandad Chris. Oh, no. No, but then everyone laughs, right? And then when the kids walk out, you go to the adults, you go, yeah, look at this, right? You move the pizza box and then I've got an erection. An erection. An erection knob.

But I don't know if you can stuff an erection, so maybe you might need some scaffolding around it. Great. You can put scaffolding around it. You can have little Lego men working on the scaffolding.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, this is class. Great. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Do you want a hat on

or no hat? On the penis on my head. On your body, on your head. Probably a hat. I'd like a cap on I think. Okay. We should genuinely

sort this out. I'm not putting you in a room. Look, everyone's miserable enough as it is. I'm not talking about whether I want to be fucking buried or cremated.

I don't care. Just quickly tell us so I know. Well, you're not going to it'd be my decision anyway. I'm burying you. I want to go for picnics

on your grave. We have talked about this before. I took a turn. Okay, apparently I'm getting buried. I'm getting buried and by the sounds of things there's going to be

some kind of bench next to us oh you'll get the full what kind of headstone do you want oh no can you make like a chopping board and a little fucking

fold out table so I can have sandwiches when I go yeah a scumbag scumbag listen possibly put you next to me

grandad oh that's nice yeah but I don't know if I want to share a bed with a man I never met. It's not a bed, really. It's just soil.

What if it is? What if he's just lying in a double bed watching the telly and I just, like, boom, appear one day and he's like, oh, I knew they were going to do this. I always said that you would really get on really well, me Grander. Yeah, but I mean, I don't want to share a double bed with him for eternity watching the telly. What if he's got control of the remote?

Well, you liked horse racing? I don't like horse racing. double bed with him for eternity watching the telly. What if he's got control of the remote? Well, you liked horse racing? I don't like horse racing. Listen, you wouldn't get on. Oh, God. You would not get on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine? Can you imagine if getting buried just means you're lying on a little bed in eternity somewhere but it's just a room

you don't need to eat or anything you don't need to go to the toilet you're just lying on a bed watching the telly. Imagine if someone gets buried next to you they'd just get dropped onto that bed with you

imagine how gutted you'd be I don't know if you'd be that gutted because my grandad's been dead for a long time so he'd probably be looking forward to a bit of company

especially if you knew me you'd be buzzing I would be over the moon if I fall down that double bed and he's watching Approval Needed on Amazon Prime

aww aww or listening to the podcast yeah or hoping some of the stuff I'll fall down that double bed and he's watching Approval Leader on Amazon Prime. Oh. Or listening to the podcast. Yeah, listening to the podcast. Or some of the stuff you've said, I hope he's not listening to the podcast. Nah, he's got a

cracking sense of humour. He'll be fine. Love you, Grandad. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Chris! Hello!

Hello, Chris Pet. It's Belinda here. Hello, look. What a fucking shit show Aye it's a bit shite like What an absolute Fucking shit show Aye

Yeah I know Yeah I've been in the hoose I've been told to self isolate Okay good There's no fucking bug roll In the shops No there's not is there

No Have you got running water Have you got a shower Just about Chris Just spray your bum like I do. It's much, much better for you. It's better for the environment. It doesn't use any toilet roll.

It's great. I've been using kitchen roll. Is that all right? Oh, it sounds rough. Well, I bet you said you couldn't put it down the toilet, apparently. No, not kitchen roll. It's too thick. Oh, Jesus.

Where have you been putting it? Just in the bed. Which bed? Next in the bed. Which bed? Next to my bed. So you've been carrying it from the toilet through to your bedroom. Just been throwing it through the doors because I can see my bedroom from the toilet

so I've been wiping my arse and I've just been throwing it through the door like this. I've missed loads of times. throwing it through the door like this. I've missed loads of times. I mean, I'd be bothered, but no one's flipping coming round. I'm by myself.

So you just resorted to throwing your shit everywhere? Well, desperate times, Chris. Where are you getting your tabs from? I notice you're smoking one now. It's a vape, Chris. Oh, okay, sorry. The vapes. I couldn't tell it was such a realistic one. Haven't smoked for 50 years.

That's okay. I've been vaping for years, Chris. No, hold on. So you haven't smoked for 50 years. So what did you do for the 40 years when vapes weren't, maybe 45 years when vapes weren't a thing? Just, you know, like matches. I just spoke matches

i mean anyway i'm at risk so i'm keeping myself to myself okay it's been bloody lovely to be honest oh okay hi giving it another few weeks and then i'll be out and about okay loving life yeah are you all right everybody okay spot on on, thank you. Right, great. Spot on. Just wanted to check in and listen. Just wanted to give big love to anybody else self-isolating. Yeah. Big love to everyone self-isolating. Yeah. Yeah. Just wash your bum in the shower. And wash your hands.

You know. Yeah, wash your hands as well. Alright. Hey, Boris. He's a wanker, isn't he? Hi. Hi. Hi. Anyway, take care of yourself. Thanks. And each other. Okay, thank you for that.

Barry said hello. Okay, good. Yeah, fuck him. No, he's honestly stoned. Do you know he's a doctor? No, I didn't know he was a doctor. He's honestly stored under. Edie.

So big love. So did you mean there? Did you mean snowed under or stowed off? Which one did you mean there? Just checking. Oh, Chris. Is that the dial tone? Oh, she's gone.

She's gone. I got her. Oh. Yes. Oh, God, I'm so good. So what we're going to do, guys, is genuinely, because we are living together in this house,

working together, I've now had my tour postponed, rescheduled until next year. Me and Rosie aren't going to have a beef with each other this week. We're going to give each other a week off just because I feel like if we do a beef, I feel like it might escalate

and it might end up in a massive, big, full-on row. We might have to delete this podcast and we don't have time. So my beef with you is you're bloody lovely. Yeah? Yes. My beef with you is

that you've had to get rid of your two and you're not going anywhere. No, listen, love you. Love you too. Got each other. Right, good. It's time for questions from the public. From the Qs and the PUs and the pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew.

That's good. I like that. I enjoyed that very much. I enjoyed that loads. Enjoyed that very much. We have both been trolling the emails this week. Can I just say, I said it on my Twitter, but I want to say it again now. Genuinely, sometimes it does get you down, all this stuff. And I went through, as I was looking at the emails, people are sending questions and stories in.

Literally, as I was was reading i was getting new email notifications so there's all things going on and we're sitting gonna go do podcast try and cheer ourselves up people are still sending in shit stories love it sending in questions sending in things honestly guys you're awesome and we really do love you and we really do hope you're enjoying this week's podcast and just keep your bloody spirits up and thank you and anything you want to send at all shagmardinoid at gmail.com stories you know you might have a bit time on your hands now you might be able to email waiting something you might have thought for ages or i should tell them that go for it anything you want please send it in we'd love to hear from you

you honestly make our bloody day and on a little side note as well this is just a little bit random but if you are suffering from your mental health which everything you know obviously so with everything that's going on a really good tip is to unfollow things that are getting you down try not try not to watch the news constantly i know it's really hard not to because you want to keep up to date i do myself but i've started limiting how much news i'm watching i just want to watch the headlines for the day. A set time. And not, you know, not trying to look at things that are going to get you down.

Absolutely. Dog videos have been really cheering me up. There's one on Twitter where he just runs into a big pile of leaves, and I swear. Oh, I love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's amazing. What I've started doing is, this is so bad,

this just tells you more the kind of person I am. So I always go on Imgur, which is loads of funny memes and stuff, and I always go on on instagram and i always go on twitter when i'm lying in bed but i can't go on any of them now because it stresses out just before i go to sleep it reminds us of all the shit so i just go on fail army on youtube and i was yeah just you've seen us i just watched people falling over i just watched people falling over falling through ice whatever gets you through you know what i love do You know what I love? Do you know what I love? I love someone on a rope swing who thought the rope was shorter than it was.

Right. I bloody love someone just jump off a thing, hit the floor. Sometimes they hit the floor, then they roll into the water they were trying to rope swing into. I like spot videos. I do like spot videos as well.

They really calm me down. I can hear people all around the country recoiling as you said that. Well, I know, but they get millions and millions of views so I know I'm not alone. They help with anxiety, don't they? They do. They really calm me down. I can hear people all around the country recoiling as you said that. Well I know but they get millions and millions of views so I know I'm not alone. They help with anxiety

don't they? They do. They really do. So just want you to know that we love you and it is a stressful time. We're having a tough time as well.

Yeah everybody is. Everybody's in it's really it's really intense and it's something that we didn't think would happen in our lifetime but you know what

it's happening and it's the way that we need to just deal with it and try and find the positives where you can. And be kind happen in our lifetime. But you know what? It's happening. And it's the way that we need to just deal with it and try and find the positives where you can. And be kind and all of that. Do you know what? I went next door.

Be kind and all of that. Be kind and all that. And all that hippie shit. Do you know I went next door yesterday to our older relatives? Because relatives, neighbours. I mean, you know, hey, we're all one big family on this earth. So they are relatives. relatives neighbors neighbors i mean you know hey we're all one big family on this earth so they are relatives um so the other day i had a um i'd had a printer cartridge delivered from amazon and it

got taken to them and it was just as everything was sort of all the news was coming out about and uh bless him the old bloke he opened the door and he just basically flicked the printer cartridge out onto his drive i was like i was like oh i get you yeah keep keep a distance i mean you know could have been fucking you know could have been something expensive and fragile so don't do that again um but thanks but then i went back yesterday and i knocked on them and i said look and i stood right back from the door they came to the door and i stood right back i said look i'm just just seeing if there's anything you need if he needs to go to the shops and get his anything look i was like i was a lun? Well, because it was just like,

I realized as I was saying it, there's no way to sort of go, hey, you know how you're old as fuck? And or shite in yourself. Do you want me to sort you out? They were like, they literally went, we went to the shops this morning.

I went, all right. I was just like, I said to them, I went, it was so weird. I was like, I know you're not old, old. I genuinely said so weird I was like I know you're not old old I genuinely said this

I went I know you're not old old I just kept digging you did not say that swear to god no you didn't I know you're not like old old you know

in the primary lives the pay is you know a couple of young whippersnappers but just in case you know you've had asthma or some hell if you

look if you need just let us know just give us a knock that's what I said wow well I went because we live next door

to what would you call that that we live next door to it's like it's not a sheltered accommodation but it's basically a block of apartments that are for

people over 50s I think I think it's over 55 or 60s or something yeah and you know they're not allowed pets because it's an apartment block

but they're all it's not a nursing home or anything. It's accommodation for older people specifically. Well, I went around yesterday giving them little notes out, seeing if anybody needs anything with our phone number on. Came back to three requests of signed pictures of you. No one gives a fuck. Did you know that?

I told you that, didn't I? Yeah, yeah. So I was just like, called a couple of them in the hallway and they were like, eh, that's Kenny. They were like, you're next door, aren't you? Chris's wife. I was like, yeah. They were like, eh, my god, daughter loves him, blah, blah.

And then I've ended up coming away with orders, not of like food and milk and whatever, of signed pictures of you. In fact, they're probably listening to the podcast. I've got the names here. This is quite sweet. So Danielle, Helen and Laura, whose Nana lives at number 16 in the place next to us.

I've got to get them a signed picture. Well, there you go. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Thanks. Lots of love. Yeah. We've been looking after you.

We're trying to look after your Nana, but she just doesn't think about you fuck she's just trying to get selfies and that I've got a question here Hi Chris and Rosie Hi I'm emailing you as I want some advice

on my dilemma always happy to advise on any size dilemma always I've been going to the same hairdressers for 11 years

and I've got to know my hairdresser quite well last week i sold a lamp on facebook and dropped it off a woman's house when i knocked on the door my hairdresser's partner who she has three children with opened the door i assumed i had the wrong house but he told me I didn't and gave me the money for the lamp. I was very confused. I thought maybe they were a family but when I looked at the woman's Facebook it said they were in a relationship. I considered that my hairdresser may have split up with him and not mentioned it but on her, she has been posting pictures of her and him kissing in the past few weeks. Oh, my God.

I have checked my hairdresser's Facebook, and she isn't friends with his Facebook. What? My question is, would you tell her? I don't want to get involved, but my boyfriend said I can't sit there with her doing my hair and not tell her about it. I don't want a new hairdresser. Little promise, Rachel. There it is.

We've got to the crux of the dilemma. You don't want a new hairdresser. P.S. Both of the women live in the same area and I cannot believe what a risky game he is playing. That is crazy. I know. Your double little life. Not only a little dalliance.

He's actually like, he's there enough to accept lamp deliveries. That's quite intense relationship, isn't it? Yeah. You wouldn't tell somebody to answer the door to somebody who's selling you a lamp. Answering the door in someone's house is further down the line. It's massively down the line. Yeah, yeah. I've got friends I've been friends with for 17 years who would answer the door

but that's because I've been friends with them for 17 years. I doubt someone... Sorry, that was the worst analogy ever. No, no, no. You made the point.

You made the point. What you did was you made the point perfectly but you made it in the wrong tone. Yeah. The whole thing was done in the wrong tone.

I've got mates for 17 years who would answer the door because we've been mates for 17 years. It answer the door because we've been mates for 17 years. It was the tone of the opposite. Yeah, but it was the tone of the opposite argument for that argument.

Okay. So, right. That was literally like, would you like another slice of cake? Oh, God, a life. Oh, I couldn't possibly you like another slice of cake? Oh, God, a life. Oh, I couldn't possibly turn down another slice of cake. That's basically what you just did. Are you enjoying your flight?

I'm having the absolute best flight of me whole life. I get what you mean now. So apologies about that. But yeah, you've got to be pretty intense in a relationship with the answer in the door to Facebook lamps I've never bought anything

off Facebook a lot of people sell on Facebook loads of people do every five minutes my dad has shown me a photo of a pile of logs on Facebook

on Facebook marketplace that he wants to buy that he's going to buy that he wants to buy for the fire so I can see them logs bag of logs seen that

see that Chris bag of logs dumpy bag of logs? Seen that? Seen that, Chris? Bag of logs? Dumpy bag of logs? 15 quid? Facebook marketplace? How do I get them? I don't know, I'd message them. Do you want them? No, I'm married. Every time I go to Wix for logs, people tell us I can get them cheaper somewhere else and I'm like, nah, but I'll have to go knock on some

fucking random, won't I? Probably be with hairdressers, fella. Exactly. I don't want to get mixed up in this kind of, this is why, this is why I don't want to get mixed up in this kind of stuff.

I go and buy me logs from Wix and I know they're kiln dried and I know they're treated and I know I've gone off topic but all I'm saying is I like to know where my logs are from. Don't you think Facebook

just comes with a lot of drama? 100%. Yeah. A lot of working class drama. Let's just be totally honest here. Yeah. There's a massive class divide on drama on Facebook

I think it's become the new shouting in the supermarket yeah massively yeah the kind of person who would shout and scream in the street it's now Facebook yeah

public on comments yeah yeah you know what I mean people who have an argument on the wall what are you doing man is it still called the wall or haven't been on for that long what's the wall

your Facebook wall it's your front wall I think so is it still called the wall probably is haven't been on for that long. What's The Wall? Your Facebook wall. It's your front wall. I think so. Is it still called The Wall? Probably. Is this on? How do I... How do I...

How do I Face Skype my grandson? I don't know. But do you know what I mean? People who argue in the comments, you can probably see them. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what... It's like...

It's the new shouting at the school gate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. Got an email here. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. Listening to the story of the hedgehog slash black trainer recently reminded me of a situation where my good intention

turned badly wrong. Now recap if anyone doesn't remember this. It's where the girl thought there was a hedgehog or a boy thought there was a hedgehog in the middle of the road, stopped the car. It was a trainer. It was a trainer but didn't they pick it up and throw it? He was trying to impress the girl in the car. So he picked up the black trainer and took it to the other side of the road and pretended it was a hedgehog incredible so this is um this is a similar

but awful strapping some years ago i was walking through a park when i noticed a group of people standing in a circle looking down at something that was distressing them. As I got closer, I heard a woman say, somebody do something. I looked at the object of their distress and saw a pigeon that had obviously been mauled by a dog or a cat. It had several puncture wounds which were seeping blood and it was flapping around, obviously, in the latter throes of life. As a teenager, I had worked on a farm

and was used to preparing chickens for Margaret by wringing their necks. Oh, gosh. I can see where this is going. As no one else was doing anything, I stepped forward to put the poor creature out of its misery. Now, let's just remember, they're already there and he's just walking past.

That's the best bit for me. They're already there and he's just walking past. That's the best bit for me. They're already there and he just appears, right? I picked up the bird with my left hand and with my right hand I twisted the pigeon's head sharply. However, I did not realise how much more delicate a pigeon's neck is compared to a chicken's. I was left standing there with the headless body of the pigeon in my left hand and the head in my right. Oh, he decapitated the pigeon. He just woke up. With his bare hands.

He just woke up and called his head off. Fuck me. Can you imagine if he was done there? Imagine being there. Well, listen to this. Trying to conceal my own shock, I threw the dead bird and its head into a nearby shrub and turned and walked away with blood dripping from my hands,

leaving the group of people behind me in complete horror. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, Jesus. That is awful. What? But, like, he's... The bird's already, like, dying. He's trying to do the right what about like he's just the birds already like die and he's

trying to do the right thing but he's just yeah but did he say anything wouldn't you say oh i used to work on a farm and do this to the chickens should i put it out of his misery or he just walked up and picked it up and just walked out of nowhere like someone in a horror film he's walked out of nowhere he's picked it up He snapped its head and then he walked off. I was half expecting the email to go. Someone said, what have you done to me pet pigeon? It was doing its trick where it pretends it dies.

I've trained it. We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pet's heads are falling off. Poor little boogers. Oh, honestly. Goodness me. This Friday, poor little boogers oh honestly goodness me this Friday you must be very careful

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rockcity at torontorock.com. Babadooba, babadooba. Can I just say, I've got one of the most fucking disgusting stories I think we've ever been sent. Like, go on. How are we then? It's, it's, it's...

I think that people need a bit of vile right now. Like, I think... Okay. No, but you know what it is? If you are 56 episodes deep into this podcast, right, you...

Deep. Yeah, exactly. That's what? Deep. Yeah, exactly. That's what she said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the context of this podcast. And you know that you can go about your daily life and be a civilized person, yet still listen to absolute filth. Like we do.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, some of it's filth. Not all filth. I mean, we've just been talking about, you know, supermarkets and stuff. Yeah. But this one blew my mind. Come on.

Okay. Weirdly, the email starts with a kind of version of what you and me have just said, to be fair. It starts with, here's what we all listen to the podcast for, the filth. It's a long story, but well worth it. Please keep this anonymous. Okay. I'm in. The backstory.

Ooh. Me and my female friend, brackets G, have a really close relationship. We chat all day and night over calls and texts. Talk about everything. General day-to-day stuff, issues, and the casual sex partners that we have and the events that take place on said occasions. Me and G also like to meet up once a month

or so for a physical catch up. Hot sweaty crazy sex. We know that we both like it. We know it's always going to be good

and it's an itch that needs scratching and no fear of emotions getting involved. So like a fuck buddy. He's got a fuck buddy but it seems like

they have quite a personal connection as well because they talk quite a lot. All right. Don't know why they don't just get together. I just want backstories. I want to know how old they are.

I want to know. Look, look, look, look. After you hear what you're about to hear, you're not going to care too much about that anymore, because they are both depraved, disgusting, perverted animals. No fear of emotions getting involved. Anyway, all normal here until one day G contacts me and says I have a sexual request

for you. She says she will be honest. It's low-key prostitution. I reply as always, go on, I'm listening. She got speaking to a guy who she met on Tinder. They went through the whole getting to know the basics of each other

when she explained that she doesn't drive yet push forward to a few days later where he uses this information as a bargaining chip he has asked her for a sexual favor and in return he will buy her a crash course driving lesson prostitution well she said it's low-key prostitution right so a crash course it's that sort of week-intensive... Ten weeks. Yeah, or the couple-a-week-intensive thing. I think it's four weeks and you have to drive there. It might have changed since I did mine.

Anyway, obviously it depends on what the sexual fever is. I reply, well, go on then. What's the fever? How can I help? Now, just as a public service announcement to you, Rosie, and to everyone listening, this is horrific. Oh, my gosh. It's minging. Can we see it? Yeah, Rosie, and to everyone listening. This is horrific. Oh my gosh. It's minging.

Can we see it? Yeah, we're going to see it. We're going to see it, but it's horrible. And I'm warning you all now, it's horrible. So this is what the person has asked us. So this guy, yeah, sorry to interrupt you there. This guy, who she is with, who she is sort of tindering with, who she is with, who she is sort of tindering with,

wants her and her fuck buddy friend who's writing the email to do some kind of sexual favour and then he's going to buy a crash course. Crash course. A crash course driving lesson. This is awful. We do not condone prostitution on Shagmire and Annoyed, but I am going to tell you what it is. And it's the worst.

I'm on the edge of my seat here. She replied, he said he wants to suck cum out of my vagina. He wants to slurp and swallow fresh cum straight out of my vagina. I was like, okay, strange, but again, where do I come into this? No pun intended.

Then she replies, he doesn't want it to be his. Let's settle for a second there you share a planet with these people yeah yeah yeah yeah so yeah well listen learning to drive is very important skill and it's quite expensive. I was like, okay, okay, a threesome. I've never had one. I mean, I'm interested in you are. Not quite the perfect threesome, it being two boys and one girl.

But okay, if you want, I'll do my good deed for the day. Nope, that wasn't the deal. He wanted to wait outside, wait for us to finish, then enter for his, and he uses a great word here, feast. No, God!

No, no, no, he's going to bite your vagina off. He's going to kill you. He's going to, he's going to wrap you up. Forget the coronavirus, you are getting murdered by the cum slurping, gonna bite your vagina off he's gonna kill you he's gonna he's gonna wrap you up forget the coronavirus you are getting murdered by the cum slurping grizzly little feisty bear that's gonna come to your house don't do it don't do it how she did she do it oh my god is the more i was like

this is horrible i feel i feel all dirty and tingly and not in a nice sexual way. And then like a disgusting, horrible, I just want to cuddle everyone. This is honestly, again, listeners, I'm so sorry. This is the worst. It's easily the worst story we've ever had. Why is she still replying? Why didn't she ring the police? Well, I think they weren't replying anymore.

I think they kind of must have met up a couple of times or something. I don't know. She must know him, know him. Oh, my God. Okay. I was like, well, I mean, I mean, this is where he proves himself to be the worst man on earth as well. Because he wrote, I was like, well, I mean, I still have my fun.

So if you're okay with it, let's play ball. What? What? I mean, what are friends for? Not fucking this, mate. Not for fucking this man anyway the deal was here i done my part of the deal but she it's happened it's happening listen to this this is honestly horrendous right i done my part of the deal but she had to sit in that weird on your back but legs up in the air hands under the bum bum, hip position. Brackets, you know the one you used to do bored in a kidder's bed. To keep all my... And this is the worst word.

To keep all my deposits secure. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Realistically, the only strange part for me was leaving the building in a kind of rush so she wasn't upside down for too long, then going out of the front door where he was waiting patiently

to be let in. But even through all this, we both still did the polite male stranger nod as we passed each other. He's going to drink. He's going to drink his semen out of her vagina. So he had to finish, get up quickly. She had to basically do a headstand.

He finished, got up, put his pants and ran down outside and opened the door and let this pervert in. All three of you are perverts, by the way. I don't. He's wrote here, Anyway, Henry Hoover got exactly what he wanted. Don't bring Henry the Hoover into this disgusting story. Actually, don't you dare say the good name of Henry Hoover.

Don't you dare. She got what she wanted and I got what I wanted. Overall, everyone left happy. Hope you enjoy. Obviously, this goes without saying. This is anonymous. Thanks. But he has left happy. Hope you enjoy. Obvious this goes without saying, this is anonymous. Thanks, but he has signed it. The Depositor. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. Can it... I feel a bit ill. I know his name. I've got his email address. Have you? Yeah. I might send this to the police. This is honestly very funny.

That's not funny at all. I don't think it's funny. I find it hilarious. I'm worried. I'm not going to sleep worrying about her. What's she doing? What's she doing? Tell you what she's doing.

She's bloody speeding down the motorway, up on top car, sunglasses on, hand out, singing. Frank Sinatra. Did it my way. She's on the highway. She's living her life. Do on, hand out, singing, Frank Sinatra, did it my way, eh? She's on the highway. She's living her life.

Do you know what she is? She's bloody free. That's what she is. I bet you failed. I hope she fucking passed on that, imagine. Oh, gosh.

Oh, that is so grim. Listen. Well, that's some bad news. You got 12 minors and a major, so you have failed.

No! You've also middled with chlamydia. We've had to burn the seat you are doing your test on. Oh, if you are listening to this and you are currently on Tinder and people like that are getting in touch with you, listen to your ma.

Don't do it. Yeah, don't, guys, please. Don't do it. Don't do it. I mean, it's all very good and well, listening to it, and as grown adults, we can find the fun in it and the disgustedness in it. But please do not put yourself in that situation

because I will not sleep. I'm not going to sleep now. Rosie's worried about all of you. She's worried about all of you. What's going on? Why is this a thing? Why is this a thing? This is horrible.

People need to stop. They need to turn the telly off, right? Read a nice book. This is horrible. What's happening with the worldy off, right? Read a nice book. This is horrible, this. What's happening with the world? I'm sorry. Why is this a thing? I think it's time to employ my favourite catchphrase.

What's wrong with everyone? What's wrong with yous? So there we go. What's wrong with everyone? Hi, Chris and Rosie. Sorry this is an absolute essay, but here is a story about why I will never drink vodka again. Ooh, bold statement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few years ago I went on a city break to Krakow with my boyfriend at the time. We are no longer together. Surprisingly,

not because of this story. Oh, okay. Okay. Interesting. We had spent the day in different pubs drinking beer and in my defence

hadn't eaten very much. Ah, here we go. Yeah, here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't blame the vodka. It was the beer you had before then, but carry on. Yeah. We then moved on to a karaoke bar where it was cheaper to buy a bottle of Polish vodka

and mix it and mixer than it was to buy two doubles. So naturally, that's what we done. Wow. Yeah. We drank the bottle and then headed to McDonald's for some drunken munchies before we went back to the apartment. In McDonald's, something must have pissed me off because I stormed out, leaving my nuggets behind. Whoa.

That must have been really serious. Whoa. Nobody leaves their nuggets. Goodness. Well, when he came to see what was wrong with me, I lost it. I mean, I went batshit crazy. Batshit cray cray in my drunken state i was convinced that he wasn't my boyfriend and that he was in fact a kidnapper trying to take me away and

deliver me to some baddies good god yeah i was in a total state of panic i was screaming at people on the street don't let him take me away get him away from me help me please etc etc get him away from me help me please etc etc don't let him take us away etc etc I don't know this man etc etc IE he's not with me I've never seen him before in my life and so forth long story short I've never met him before I fear for my safety and the such oh hey right so

yeah I feel he may be a murderer Oh, hey. Right, so, yeah. I feel he may be a murderer and other linked worries. Oh, right. Thank you, God. So, he managed to get me in a taxi and back to the room, but the whole time I was screaming at him, saying he was evil,

and asking why he was trying to kidnap me, my friend. Bracket, there was no friend. Close brackets. What was the taxi driver? So, either she was so pissed. No, no, so pissed that it was like, it just wasn't making any sense at all. Or the taxi driver was a bit dodgy

because he was like, well, affairs are fair. So if she was coherently going, you are kidnapping me, what's going on? And the taxi driver's just like, hey, you had a good night, guys? Yeah. You never know.

But if there's no friend, I mean, to be fair, it must have been pretty obvious that she was just pissed and being an idiot. Who knows? I was taking photos of him

to show the police if I managed to escape. So she took photos of her boyfriend. Fuck off. It's evidence. At one point, I escaped onto the balcony and tried to climb over

to the next room. Jesus. He had to pull me back in the room. I was absolutely terrified and genuinely thought he had kidnapped me. This went on

for hours. No. Can you imagine? God. I would, you know what it is, Rosie, if that was you,

I'd open the door and I'd go, do you know what? You've won. You've won. I, Rosie? If that was you, I'd open the door and go, do you know what? You've won. You've won. I was trying to kidnap you. Please go back to your family. Bye now.

Well, it gets better. Eventually, I had locked myself in the bathroom and started to panic text a WhatsApp group full of uni friends back in the UK. I told them I needed help and that I was terrified and they should call the police. No fucking way. Oh. Hello, 999. Hello, I'd like to report someone as missing slash in distress slash whatever, etc.

Etc, etc. 999 hello i'd like to report someone as a missing slash in distress slash whatever etc etc etc an hour or so later my dad got woken up by a knock at the door from two local police officers informing him that they had been alerted to my situation and it was their number one priority and she's putting brackets here not a lot else goes on in my town brilliant to try and locate me and make sure I was safe. Wow. They took my dad's phone and were trying to use Google Maps to locate the apartment we were staying in by a balcony picture I had sent earlier that day.

Jesus. They had called Interpol. Is Interpol Interpol? Interpol, yeah. They're an international sort of, Britain's sort of overseas thing. I knew what it was. I just didn't know it was in Nepal.

They're also a very good band. Carry on. Lovely. And had the Polish police on standby to go to said apartment if they could figure out where I was. Wow. Eventually, my boyfriend managed to coax me out of the bathroom and convince me he wasn't a kidnapping murderer

and got me to calm down and eventually put me to bed. Jesus. This is unbelievable. I mean, how pissed is pissed? That's crazy. I know. and eventually put me to bed. Jesus. This is unbelievable. I mean, how pissed is pissed? That's crazy. I know.

I'm just so glad Sharon finally got in touch after the fingering debacle of our holiday last year with her lad. So, took me a second to work out what you meant there. That was the woman who shouted at you from a few... Right, yeah. Sharon from last week. Took me a second to work out what that meant. Well done. In the morning, I woke up to my boyfriend on the phone That was the woman who shouted at you from a few... Right, yeah. Good, good. Took me a second to work out what that meant.

Well done. In the morning, I woke up to my boyfriend on the phone with the police trying to explain this was all a misunderstanding and I was fine and was just a drunken arsehole. I had to go on the phone with the police and explain I had not been kidnapped and I was in no danger and they did not need to send any police or medical help. Wow. I'm not being funny, though.

If you're being kidnapped, that's terrible policing. What if she was genuinely kidnapped and just on the phone going, oh, I'm okay, please don't come, the bloody, you know. Put the fella on. Hey, kidnapper, do you promise you're not a kidnapper? I do promise. Do you solemnly swear? Do you solemnly swear, et cetera?

I do, et cetera. Cross your heart, hope to die, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, pinky promise that you will not kidnap my murderer. All is fine here. Wow. I mean, talk about wasting police time. That's another level, that shit. I know.

Good God. Yes, she was just very hungover and she's not drinking vodka again. Wow. I mean, Polish vodka? Can we just put up there? I mean, you can probably drink normal vodka again, i mean polish vodka can we just come put up there because i mean you can probably drink normal vodka again but not is it strong well just in the sentence for me which was um it was cheaper to buy a bottle of polish polish vodka and mixers than it was to buy two single vodkas tells me it was probably the specific vodka she was drinking in that bar it's not going to be

very good well it'll have been that you, when you can get a litre of it and it looks like the Smirnoff label but it says like Reichenkoff or something. Oh, yeah. One of them. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. A girl I used to hang around with at school, a comp, not like primary school. A comp, yeah. We all got drunk.

Still illegal to drink but carry on. Well, yeah, like 15. She got really drunk. Panic set in. I had to keep hold of her tongue. Right.

So she didn't swallow her tongue for about 20 minutes. You kept hold of it? Well... Like a fucking ticket at a delicatessen. A little bit like that. I just wanted to hold my tongue. No, because she was being sick. And my mum was a nurse, wasn't she?

So I was like, she can't swallow her tongue. So I kept a hold of her tongue after she was sick two hands just one hand finger and thumb yes Jesus Christ like gripped it

because I was worried while she was being sick well because her head was like all over the place so me other

friend had no she was sat on a wall so me other friend had the back of her head this is the

classiest story and I had a hold of her tongue sorry can I just say not my friend got drunk not primary comp still still illegal um a drink drink drinking scummy cheap vodka yeah

being sick i held her tongue while being six is probably sick all over your hand it was already a scummy story it then took an unexpected nosedive when the phrase sat on a wall came out of your mouth. The bottom of your friend's street. It was. Sat on a wall. I was actually not that drunk because I've never liked spirits. So I used to drink like Reef and you know the little bottles. And we used to get them from the off-license where my friend, only one person could get served at this off-license, right?

Because I had a fake ID. And the drinks were out of date, so I don't actually think they had any alcohol in them. Fantastic. So I was never that drunk, but she was drinking vodka. And so she was really drunk. And so my friend had her head

while she was on the walk because she was just all over the place. And I was just worried she was going to swallow her tongue, so I held onto her tongue. Christ alive. I mean, well done for holding onto the tongue. Until her mum couldn't pick it up.

Disgusting. Until her mum came and took with her tongue-holding duties. Yeah. She's still alive, so... That for holding on until her mum couldn't pick it up until her mum came and took her tongue holding duties yeah she's still alive so that's good

you're welcome she's still alive and her tongue's just a half centimetre longer these days like a really hot dog

just hangs out to the side but she's never drunk vodka do you not remember like how fun the pylons were when you were younger what are they called

so a pylon like a free house yeah like a free house when we were younger when we were like 15, 16 and you couldn't you couldn't really

go out to pubs and that because we didn't get in people used to have pylons when the parents were away but what did what's Kevin Bridges 15, 16, and you couldn't, you couldn't really go out to pubs and that because we didn't get in. People used to have pilings when the parents were away. Yeah. But what did,

what's Kevin Bridges call them? An empty. An empty. That's Scottish, isn't it? So we, I loved a piling,

they were absolutely mint. Yeah. Did you, you didn't go to any, did you? Yeah, I didn't have that many. We had such a different childhood.

Didn't have that many friends. Oh, babe. A bit, very full of living room um piling more of a uh sitting when i was really young we never really had like pilings and stuff i remember once i was at a house where there was that many people like 40 odd maybe more and like it was this girl's house and and i sort of knew her through friend of a friend and i think

that kind of happened so there was lots of different groups of people there there was like goth kids there ch chav kids there, normal kids, indie kids, all these different people. And they smashed our toilet like someone did. Like the actual bowl of the toilet smashed like craziness. I remember she was like hysterical and she kicked everyone out. But that was the time I was standing. I taught about this in my stand-up years ago,

but you wouldn't have heard this. So I was standing and there was this chav, like a local kind of hard chav kind of guy. And he had, picture this, right? In his left hand, he had a can of Fosters that had just the dregs of the Fosters in. Just the dregs, right? In his right hand, he had a can of Fosters

holding it in his little finger, his ring finger, his middle finger, and his thumb. Well, sorry, his little finger, his ring finger, and his thumb. So then his forefinger and his middle finger were up in the air with a joint in those fingers. So right hand has can for drinking and joint for smoking in. Left hand has half full can with some dregs and ash to flick. He was standing talking to her, and he was really pissed, left hand has half full can with some dregs and ash to flick. From the joint, yeah.

He was standing talking to her and he was really pissed and he was telling a story and we were just listening because he was just a local hard lunatic. And halfway through telling the story, he got mixed up and took a huge, huge swig from the end, to the point where he had like a black lines at the corner of his mouth off the stuff. And we all like fell silent and we're like looked at each other

and then looked at him and he went, what? And he was like styling it out. He didn't tell you, he was going to be sick. He went, what? And I was like, you've just... Drank a tab. You've just drank from the wrong can. And he looked me square the wrong can and he looked

his square in the eyes and he went Ash gets you more pissed I hate him oh god anyway he went alright yeah yes it does

yeah of course it does jeez Louise that's all you've never I've never heard that story before Carl Hutchinson says that it was now and then

Ash gets you more pissed just now and then whenever he's about to drink a can you go Ash gets you more pissed and he reminds us

of the story because he was standing with us when it happened I love that we were once at a piling and I think

whoever had gone to the shops well it used to be Stephen Stephen Cain used to go to the off licence at the top of the

street and he used to get served nobody else got served except him. Was he underage? Yeah, massively. Right, stop the podcast.

Right, lads. Rosie, this whole thing's been a ruse. Your name's not even Chris. This whole thing's been a sting operation. What? We knew it was Stephen Cain

who was doing... Right. Well, got him, fellas. Stop this shit. Listen, I'm sort of related to him, so don't. Gotta be honest with you, lads. I do have a tour that I'm supposed to go on with this woman in September.

I could do with the money. Imagine. But anyway, he was the only person who could get served. I think it's because he was really, really tall. Yeah, yeah. And I think while they were at the shops one time, they'd pissed off a local group of youths from the hill. And they followed them back to the house party.

And the local group of youths proceeded to spit through the letterbox. Fantastic. That's good. And if you're wondering where coronavirus started, it was actually there. Filthy dirt. Spit through the letterbox. Oh, hey. Oh, honestly.

Fun. Fun and games. Dead exciting, though, at the time. You know when hey. Oh, honestly. Fun. Fun and games. Dead, dead exciting though at the time. You know when you're like, oh my God, what's going to happen? Just, you know, good fun. There's sort of different ones that are coming back to us now

of little parties I did, but yeah, that was the proper one that I remember that was a beast like. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. One day at work, there was an air of the end of term. We were joking about saying we should have all brought in board games

and I said, yes, I nearly came in mufti. What does that mean? I'll explain. This was entirely misheard and the look on their faces told me that they thought they heard that I nearly orgasmed. If you didn't know, mufti day is also known as own clothes day in schools

right have you never heard of mufti day no no I thought you meant naked I heard of this no no I heard of this when I used to work

in the radio okay so what was it called when you were at school non-uniform day a lot of people call it mufti day

I don't know I think it's a northern thing or southern thing I don't know brilliant I think it's a northern thing or southern thing. I don't know. Brilliant. Totally made that up. It's either north or south. One of the two.

Pick one. Pick one. It's not in the middle. It's not in the middle. It's north or south. Yeah, but they didn't know what they said. So the question is, A, have you ever been embarrassingly misheard?

B, have ever been misheard by a celeb? And she said, I work in a recording studio and the people who misheard me a celeb and she said, I was, I work in a recording studio and the people who misheard me were the stereophonics. Wow. So that's pretty cool. Wow.

So it's not a Scottish thing. Lovely lads are stereophonics, okay. Because they would have known what Mufti Day was. Well, they're Welsh, but okay. Oh, fuck. Sometimes I wish this was a video podcast because the way you pointed at me the way you pointed at me with such vigour

when you went, it's not a Scottish day because they would have known what Mufti was, was amazing Oh no, they were, oh god I'm sorry Sorry Stereo Funics. Absolutely amazing. Oh, gosh. Absolutely amazing.

Anyway, well, it's not Welsh. It's not Welsh then, yeah. Good God. The way you pointed out, well, they're not Scottish because you know what that was? Mic drop. Well, they're Welsh.

I remember, I don't know if I've said this on the podcast before. Do you know I'm a terrible reader and I feel like i almost i feel like i may have had undiagnosed dyslexia at school but i've just kind of got a bit painful watching you read out these questions i'm such a i just want to apologize now to daisy our editor who has to listen back to this if you're reading out loud but when you show me something you go you read that if you put a post on or something you go does that make sense it takes 20 minutes to read something

I know it's terrific it's been my beef before I must have said this before I was at a party when I was when I was about I must be about 17, 18 and we were all a bit

indie boys and I think it was one of the white you know White Stripes who did Seven Nation Army that's enough that's enough I'll set her off That song brings something out in us. Oh, good. I love it.

I think one of their albums was called Get Behind Me Satan. Right. Have I told you this? No. Well, I loudly said, because I thought it was a bit of a comedian at the time anyway, and I like to take the piss out of stuff, and I looked at the album cover, and I turned around, and I was like why have they called this

get behind me Santa it's not even a Christmas album and my mate was like he turned to us and I don't think everyone

heard us and my mate turned to us and he went what and I went get behind me he went it's get behind

me Satan and I went and he literally went everyone and I genuinely grabbed his arm and went don't man and he didn't tell anyone

oh oh that's nice so I was really embarrassed about me reading oh bless you so thanks again Mick if you're listening thanks Mick

this has got nothing really to do with this but for some reason this reminded me of all the times that whenever we've been out anywhere I have to tell people

that I have a twitch not a coke problem. I don't know why this reminded me of that, but I've wrote here, when I read this, it made me think of that because I've got a really, I've got this nervous twitch that I do and I kind of like, I sniff a lot and I rub my nose. So you kind of sniff and stretch your nose and roll your jaw around really quickly, almost like a cartoon camel. Yes, that's basically, that's what I do.

So if a cartoon camel, it's like, it kind of rolls around while she stretches her nose. And yeah, and obviously we're going to a lot more celebrity gatherings now, so everyone's all over you thinking you've got coke. Everyone thinks I've got coke, they always ask us. I've had, on probably about five occasions, I've had people go, are you on coke? Are you being taken coke? And I'm like, I absolutely have not. I've had on probably about five occasions I've had people go are you are you on coke

are you being taken coke and I'm like I absolutely have not I've got a nervous twitch I'm in a really strange setting here can you remember when we went on

one of our first dates we went to Gusto in Newcastle oh yeah on the quayside Italian meal can you remember

telling me right at the beginning of the night that you had a twitch but not telling us what it was and telling us that I'd probably spot it and then started,

began the most weird date I've ever had where I was just basically eating and talking to you but constantly staring trying to work out

what twitch you had. I remember at the time thinking this is the weirdest fucking challenge anyone has ever sat down so weird you did you went oh I've got like

a little twitch and I went right and you were like oh no you might spot it I'm not telling you what it is and I was like oh fuck

because when I talk about it I do it more right because we hadn't been out literally it was my first date so I didn't want to go fucking tell your twitch

man you dick so I just had to sit there going pasta's nice isn't it and I'm going what you gonna do waiting for us to hit you in the face.

I'm waiting for you to freak out. So weird. Oh, sorry. Such a weird challenge to throw down for someone. Mate, listen. You knew what you were getting into from the off. But I didn't know. You kept it secret.

I know, but... I remember, I think about 45 minutes through the date, I was like, is it your face? And you're like, yeah. I do remember. I do remember that now. You guessed it. Well done.

You won the marriage. No, no. No, I just, we're like, are you going to coke? Oh, no, sorry, it's your Twitter. It's your Twitter.

Check out her bloody Italian. She's bloody sniffing in the toilet. Unbelievable. Hey, drugs off of mugs. Thank you very much. Never touched the stuff in my whole entire life

and I don't plan on now because I'm past that age of experiment. And if I did it now it would just be really embarrassing. So I'm not going to. Well, there you go.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was trying to think if I had any ridiculous stories and it hit me. So settle in, let me begin. I like that as a start. It's good.

Settle in, let me begin. I do like that. Where's the pull-up chair? No, we've lost it. You can't have everything. I worked in a very fancy retail shop in Glasgow and sometimes the customers got above themselves. Right. One day an older man and his daughter, probably in her mid-twenties, came storming up to the counter, shouting already before I could say hello. The father pulled out the dress and was

demanding a refund, saying it was falling apart and started picking the perfectly fine beading off. So he already has me pissed off. The dress, now I don't understand this, Rosie, you're going to have to explain this. The dress had bones in the bodice? Yeah. What's that?

So it's a bit like a corset. So bones is just like really little thing. Like, you know a bra? Yeah. Bra's got like bone in it. In the bodice. On the bodice. Bodice.

B-O-D-I-C-E. So that's the bit in the, just your torso basically. Right, okay. So it'll have, it'll have, you know a corset? Right, that kind of thing. It'll have been a little bit like a corset. Got you. So bones are just tiny really thin

bits of plastic got you that I think okay anyway cool we'll edit that out so it makes me sound good

the dress had bones in the bodice now anyone listening I'm joking what are you being serious imagine like imagine if I edited that out

that it was me going is anyone listening what that is I'll just explain like I knew that was my plan so it had them so I ran my hands over them and checked the dress and the bones were bent so i politely told him i'm sorry but this has been worn and i can't take it back brackets i could

if it was folly but he was a prick close brackets he continued to swear up a storm and pointing in my face saying i was a liar and it hadn't been worn so i thought fuck it i've had enough of your shite i sat the dress on the counter turned it inside out and said sir it has been worn because there is period blood all over the inside he quickly put the dress back into the bag and mumbled and left that's oh gosh do you know why that's actually upsetting because i've worked in shops before That's Gosh Do you know why that's actually upsetting? Because I've worked in shops before

I've had to smell armpits Of clothes That's how you know if they've been worn or not The stuff people try to bring back Really? Oh my goodness I've had arguments with women Trying to bring dresses back

With foundation on Perfume Like like drinks and you know when you just think i don't really give a shit but the fact that you're arguing so much is you're not getting your money back you're not i honestly you think i own the shop sometimes i'll be like you are not getting your money back no but you do i'd have to take them in the back office and everyone be like sniffing them going that's be one really yeah wow was it exciting when someone was doing that yes and no

do you know what I mean would have been a lot more exciting now because I'm a lot angrier now back then I didn't have as much anger someone had done it now why don't you get a little

Saturday job just to get yourself get all the anger out I should actually I would probably really enjoy working in a call centre now yeah and if somebody was rude

I'd be like fuck you and I'd just hang up I'd love it I say I feel better even just saying that now oh yeah honestly

definitely so my question is to you guys have you ever had a moment of pure smugness alright okay that was the question mine can I just get your mine

so this reminds us I was just thinking of shops so weirdly this got me thinking of the shop I used to work in and then opposite that shop on King Street and Shields was a super drug I remember once and I worked next door there Dory the Perkins that the shop I used to work in, and opposite that shop on King Street in Shields, was a super drug.

And I worked next door there, Dirty Perkins. That's where I used to sniff the pits. Brilliant. Look at us, we're little workplaces. I remember once, this was years ago, this was when electric toothbrushes first came out, right? But it was the ones that weren't, I mean, you could get the Oral-B ones and that that you plug in,

but they were a few quid. I don't ever remember them not being about, isn't that bad? Well, I remember having a normal toothbrush, and my mum saying you should get the Oral-B ones and that that you plug in, but they were a few quick. I don't ever remember them not being about. Well, I remember having a normal toothbrush and my mum saying you should get an electric one. But basically it was just, I think it was called a power brush and you get in the supermarket and you literally put two AA batteries in it. And it just basically vibrated.

It's essentially vibrated with a toothbrush on the top. Now that I'm thinking back, right? We were walking, me and my mum were walking down King Street, right? In South Shields. And we went in the supermarket to see if there was any of the electric toothbrushes. And there wasn't any. There was none there. Shelf was empty. we were walking, me and my mum walking down King Street, right, in South Shields and we went in the super drug to see if there was any

of the electric toothbrushes and there wasn't any. There was none there. Shelf was empty. We walked out, we walked along, this dates the story, we walked along to Woolworths,

went into Woolworths, right. I used to love Woolworths. RIP Woolworths, rest in peace, we love you. Came out of Woolworths, 10 minutes,

must have been 10 minutes, we're walking down King Street and I said to my mum, I don't know where I came from, I said to my mum, I went, where I came from I said to my mum I went she will go back in the super drug

and see if there's any toothbrushes and she went you just we just checked 10 minutes ago there won't be any and I went

I bet there is and she went there won't and we argued in the street a bit and I went let's go back in and we went back in

and there was a fucking toothbrush on the bench on the shelf electric toothbrush and I bought it why have you remember that story it just popped into my head what's wrong with you it just popped into my head and I remember A. Why have you remembered that story? It just popped into my head.

What's wrong with you? It just popped into my head and I remember A, I was very smug and B, I think I'm psychic. So there you go. Do you know all I take from...

It's only toothbrush based. Do you know... Nothing to do with a toothbrush or anything like that. All I take from these little stories that you tell me is that you spend loads of time with your mum.

I did. I did. Shopping. Yeah, yeah. Like little besties. It's actually, it's really sweet. I went and shopped with your mum. I did. I did. Shopping. Yeah, yeah. Like little besties. It's actually, it's really sweet. I went and shopped with my mum all the time.

Hey, I knew the metro sent like the back of my hand when I was nine. Aww. Telling you. Aww, bless you. Little fun story about Superdrug

on King Street in South Shields. Oh God. I had a birthday party at the cafe at the back. Around the cafe at the back. Shut the fuck up up there was a cafe it's called american drugstore it's called the american drugstore and you had a you had a birthday

party in the super drug cafe do you not remember it that is fucking tragic that's fantastic the super drug cafe i can't believe this listen i'm not being funny not all of us could be out buying electric toothbrushes left, right and center. You know what I mean? Are you making this a fucking, are you making this an economy thing? Are you making this a money thing?

Couldn't I do? You fucking rented the venue out, mate. Who taught you? I was only there buying things. Four quid, two quid. Do you not remember it? Yay, I can't believe this. I can't believe it.

I'm so excited. It must have been a friend. So I'm hoping other people might remember this. At the of super drug there was the aisles and when you were in the cafe you could still see down the aisles and it had it had little dodgem cars that you would eat your dinner in and that no i've got pictures man was it called the American Drugstore I had my fourth birthday party there joint I kid you not the cafe at the back of Superdrug I'm going to Superdrug what's on the list

paracetamol domestos wet wipes birth the party for the Bain tampons hey it was party for the band. Tampons. Hey, it was lovely. There's no way that's real.

I swear. Right, hang on. Hang on. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Listen. Listen. American drugstore. Listen.

Hang on. Oh, fuck me. Ringing Kate. Hello, Kate. ringing Kate hello Kate just me dead quickly right what was the what was the cafe little place

called at the back of Superdrug where I had my birthday party it was the Great American Cookstore yes I knew it

I knew it we're just talking about it on the podcast I always remember shit like that podcast oh it was good though wasn't it not only yeah see good times good times all right okay love you okay love you bye yeah oh god not only not so it wasn't can I just there was no moment of

oh yeah I do remember that it was bang Great Mountain Drugstore next question it's because we had such a good time Jesus Christ well I've learned

something today super drug used to have a cafe in it yeah wow see wow you're too busy

looking at bloody toothbrushes honestly I tell you do you know what it is right do you know what it is I remember going in there to buy me a toothbrush right and there was a load of commotion in the back there's loads of people look like they're having a great time but not as good of a time as when i went home and turned that bloody toothbrush on got me teeth lovely and white great

you could do with one yourself rosie oh see what you did there you dick i've got an email here. Now, as someone who stays in hotels a lot, well, pre-coronavirus, I stayed in hotels a lot. Now I don't because I've got nowhere to go. However, this shook me to my very core. Okay. It's actually changed my world a little bit and I'm a bit sad.

Right. To Rosie and Chris, please keep my name anonymous. You'll understand why once you've read this email. Great. Just listen to podcast 55 and you sing about sleeping on the slutty mattresses in hotels made me think you might want to know this information. Do we actually want to know this information?

No, no one wants to know this information, but I'm going to tell you all anyway because I read this and I was sad. So now you all have to read this. I was a backpacker in Australia and worked in a hotel resort as a cleaner cleaning rooms and bathrooms changing bedding etc i am not being dramatic when i say this was one of the hardest most pressured jobs i have ever done and i currently get this and i currently work for the nhs in this coronavirus situation wow so a bit of a glimmer of hope there, that it might not be as bad, as the bad stories we're hearing out there,

but this lass has been through the wringer, either way. Our manager at this hotel, was a real life witch, and treated us like absolute shit. Anything we did was wrong, and she would give us unrealistic workloads, and was just a bitch.

It sounds lovely. I really hated her. She's put that on a separate line. Wow. She's gone, I really hated her, full stop, and, and a bitch. It sounds lovely. I really hated her. She's put that on a separate line. Wow. She's gone, and, and, and. I really hated her, full stop,

and, and, and. Great, she really did hate her. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. So this is the part you don't want to know. In order for us to not get basically

a beating at the end of our shift, if I, brackets, and others went into a room and the bedding didn't look too creased, to a room and the bedding didn't look

too creased we would simply pull the bedding back into place and make it look as neat as we could I knew it basically meaning

some hairy sweaty man could have slept in them sheets and now you're letting a new hotel guest climb into that and sleep in it that night

I always knew I knew that. I told you about this, the pick and pluck. The pick and pluck. Pick and pluck. Pick and pluck. Where they just pick the pubes out. Gets better.

One backpacker got caught out with this one day when a guest had complained that they had found a used condom in the bed. Oh. Oh. They must have got really lax with this. They're not even checking beds. Yeah.

They're just remaking them. Yeah. Oh, how wee, man. Oh, nah. Nah. Oh. Sorry to inform you of this, as I know you both travel and stay in hotels around the country.

Yeah, we do, a lot. It's made me very weary. I check the bed sheets in hotels now. Great. So there you go. So I'm devastated. Thank you for that, by the way. I'm devastated.

I feel all sad. See, my thing is, right, because obviously I think we're trying to find ways to help the environment and things like that. Maybe if you haven't, sometimes we'll go to a hotel if we've got something on the night time, like a show or whatever, and you go to the hotel, but you don't sometimes we'll go to a hotel if we've got something on the night time like a show or whatever and you go to the hotel but you don't actually sleep in the

bed yeah i think there might be something in saying we haven't slept on that bed it's very much just we've sat on the end you don't need to change the sheets i can understand that i'll leave so that the the towels towels i haven't used i leave them clearly yeah folded the way they left them and any towel i use i put them in the bath yeah i'm checking out but if i'm there for a few days i'll just leave the do not disturb on my door and i'm like you don't you change your bed sheets every day my towels every day i don't do that at home i'm not making you you know but yeah i've told you before i've known that i unrolled a flannel and there was a big long hair in it once.

I mean, hotel flannels. Can I talk about this? I think I've talked about hotel flannels before. Why they put flannels in hotels? A little tiny little spunk rag. No, stop it. People in hotels,

they're doing bums. I don't know just who's going, oh, a flannel, I'll just quickly rub this all over my face. Nah. Don't care how many times that's been washed. Nah.

Nah. Wash it in bleach. Nah. Thank you everyone so much for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this little extra long podcast

from us this week. Yeah, a little bit extra long there. I hope that's eased your worries a little bit. It definitely has mine. I've cheered up

just by doing this. I feel much better. I haven't even thought about what's going on right now. I'm going to turn the news on now and be gutted again. But if you're gutted, it's okay to speak to someone.

You know, there's various things out there to help. And try not to worry too much. Please don't panic by. Please be kind to everyone and wash your hands. And go for a little walk. You want to go for a walk, even if you're self-isolating. You can go for a little walk as long as you're not around people. Or go for a walk in the country're self-isolating you can go for a little walk as long as you're not around people walk in the country walk on the seaside whatever yeah just

yeah sending you loads of love at this really shitty time we love you lots thank you for listening keep your smile up big love guys bye you're invited to an immersive Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when

the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the

ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.