Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 57. The Sniff test

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

This week on the podcast The Ramsey's talk about their self isolation woes, there's some juicy beef and some fantastic q's from the p's. Enjoy, stay inside and wash your hands! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. And we are extremely pleased to let you know

that Shag Maridanoid is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Sorry, what? We now have a podcast with adverts on. It's taken over a year. This is a really big day. I'm not happy about this. I thought you knew about this. We have had lucrative sponsors

since day one right we haven't you've poo pooed them and you've took the piss and it's hurtful and the amount of shit I've had to deal with from these lucrative sponsors

really from you oh sorry door handles being in touch again have they aye yeah don't even think I did that one but fair enough

cup handles was that one well I'll have to look through my file of facts you've got no idea I'll have to look you literally have no idea I'll have to look through my file. You've got no idea. You literally have no idea.

I'll have to look through my bank statement. It'll be empty. It'll be blank as out. Listen, we have lucrative sponsors from me. They are banging the door down. They're queued up outside. They're breaking the lockdown. Well, they shouldn't be outside.

They're breaking the lockdown rules to sponsor this. And you are poo-pooing them. I'm fuming. All right, well, I'll tell you what. Dear listener, you might have heard some bollocks before this about some crap that someone's selling. Fake news, fake sponsor.

Hashtag fake sponsor. The only sponsor you need to know about is... Draws. No, you can't still do them, Chris. I beg your pardon. You can't. Oh, so you've got a real sponsor now, Rosie, and you're going to get a few more quid, eh?

And these have all got to listen to sponsors, and they're losing some great comedy, eh, in the middle of it. It's just not what it is, Chris. How dare you? Hey, draws. Hey. Right.

It's like a little flat cupboard that you don't need to look all the way in the back of or move anything, because when you pull it, all of it comes out. It's like a tray that disappears. Drawers. That's exactly what it is.

Not like that is exactly what it is. I haven't done the slogan. Oh, great. There's a slogan. You ready? Put your stuff in them. Oh, no. That's drawers.

Put your stuff in them. When I saw you On your laptop earlier Yeah Is that what you were doing? Er Possibly Put your stuff in them

Great Listen well done Possibly Thank you But Well less of that next week Thank you Nope

Nope More More of this Absolutely not gonna have this Listen Shush shush shush Hush your mouth Here's the jingle

That's upsetting Three weeks of this. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's Shagmire Annoid Hello I hope you're all right What a fucking mess

I mean, literally grounded We've literally been grounded I know It's mad times We're not going to dwell on it too much Because you know what's been lovely guys You lot we're not going to dwell on it too much because you know what's been lovely guys you lot have been saying how much you've enjoyed the podcast how much you've sort of i don't want to use the word needed but how people have been saying they literally needed

the podcast at this point so we're going to talk about for five minutes or so and then we're just going to move on but you shall not mention it again we'll have to talk about it because imagine just doing one like and not mentioning nothing's happening nothing's going on have you ever seen that scene in shauna the dead where they're flicking through the news and it's like loads of they're flicking through the channels it's loads of really horrible things about the news and then t4 is always on it's at the beginning of the film and at the end the flick through and it's just like millions dead and then it's just vernon k interviewing someone as if it's never happened it happens at the beginning of the movie it happens at the end as well.

You do this with films all the time. You remember certain parts. I never remember anything specific from a film. You don't remember anything specific from a film. Not like that. So you didn't just put Little Rascals on this afternoon and sing most of the fucking songs. That's in me all that memory.

That's in your memory. That's in your memory. No. Fuck me. No, listen. That's in your memory. That's in your memory. No. Fuck me. You always remember stuff. What about that little Vasquez thing? Yeah, that was in me memory. Jesus.

No, but that's in... Three weeks. What's it called? Is that me long-term memory or me short-term memory? Because they flick them round. Yeah. Well, no, they don't flick them round. Because if you're short-sighted, it means you can't see

really far away. But if you... Isn't it? But yeah, but no, sorry, I'm just wondering where this is going. This is fantastic.

If it's in your short-term memory, that'll be from ages ago. And your long-term memory is just like yesterday? Is that not right? No, that's the opposite. What the hell?

So it's correct in memory, but in sight, it's the opposite. What the hell? So it's correct in memory, but in sight it's not correct. I don't know what's happening here. Are you alright? Have you lost your mind? I don't think I'm okay, Chris. We've only been locked down for a day. Well, we haven't. We've been in for a week.

Yeah, we stayed in for a while. Because we're well behaved. You see? We listened. Oh, yeah. Big shout out to everyone who went out at the weekend weekend down the beaches and the pubs and that you fucking knobs

wrecked it for us fucking idiots idiots so we're all locked down now locked up they won't let me out

no so yeah I hope everyone's alright me too hope everyone's having a nice little time

I saw a tweet that said a lot of people are saying people had to go to war back in the day and we've just got to stay in the fucking house it's very true I mean I just don't think

they had to take the kids to war with them that was the only thing yeah that is the point I'm not trying to please don't tweet us because I can't be arsed but I'm not trying to minimise war here but you know we're stuck at home. You've finally wore her down.

You've wore her down. You know, Rose used to have her DMs open on Insta. Oh, not anymore. That's finished now. Now you twat. Sending me shite. Oh, can't be arsed. What was I going to...

The funniest tweet I've seen regarding the old C word. Yeah, yeah. And not the good one. Right. The corona. We knew what you meant. Virus. Great. Thank you for clarifying. Yeah, yeah. And not the good one. Right. The corona. We knew what you meant. Virus. Great.

Thank you for clarifying. You're welcome. The best one I've seen was when somebody, it was when they shut the theatres and everything. Yeah. And people were like,

oh, kept the theatres open during the blitz. Yeah. And people were like, yeah, well, you can't catch blitz. Yeah.

So. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It really made us laugh yeah i am i the whole thing of having it like everyone's saying work from home and it's like yeah work from home or by the way your kids are there as well how how is this possible as this is happening now so we're recording this podcast i'm looking at the clock now it's uh it's just before eight o'clock it's uh at time of record it's tuesday uh eight o'clock at night. And I've just had to go and put Robin to bed and then do it because you just can't do it during the day.

It's impossible to do it during the day. Oh, absolutely. You can't do anything while he's here. Honestly, when this is all over, I'm going to look at a boarding nursery. If it's a thing. It absolutely is a thing. Boarding nursery. Yeah, send him there.

Would you? Yeah, send him to the boarding nursery. He only gets mornings or whatever, but he can sleep over at the nursery. I mean, I'm not down for that. No? Personally. I'm up for that. But just actual normal nursery and school

would be good enough for me. Oh, God. But listen, we're moaning about it, but we are well behind it, and let's just stay inside, get this done and dusted. We'll all have an orgy at the end. No. I will be orgy level

because I really miss hugging people right now can I please opt out of the orgy now if you'd like to opt out of the orgy put your hand on it are you sure you've got another three weeks you might change your mind if you opt out now there's no coming back

I'm going to keep all this social distancing I'm going to keep this as long as I can I mean staying in the house in that lockdown yeah awful but not shaking hands fine with that well you're not hugging strangers i'm gonna go the other way you know it's gonna be really weird when this is all over and our phone dominoes and i still go can i have the um no contact delivery and they go you know that's finished i'm gonna just leave it on the fucking grass and piss off you'd be like kevin mccallister your possible dirty sod yeah yeah i will be yeah

leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here filthy animal happy no yeah um cheers by the way plonk cheers um i've been drinking every day i've been drinking every day every day my first glass of wine at four o'clock yeah you know structure oh honestly routine yeah i did um I did a little, a timetable for the house. I wrote a timetable for the house and four o'clock

it says glass of wine. Yeah. Got to be done. So yeah, we're going to take it and shit. Listen, if we're going to get

anything out of this, we might as well get ourselves a bit of gout. Mmm. Mmm. You know what I mean? That's what I'm looking forward to. Yeah, big time.

Yeah. Gout, gout aroma. Rosie, the damage that this is going to do to my liver is fucking... The coronavirus will not be able to touch the damage that I'm going to do to myself on this. Yeah. I mean, I just ate.

I got them from Marks and Spencer's the other day when I went there. I just ate a tray to myself of what were called dirty fries. They were. It actually had written on the packet, dirty fries. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty fries. It was like chunks of had written on the packet dirty fries. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty fries. It was like chunks of potato

like sort of almost wedges monetary jack cheese jalapeno sauce loads of cheese it was like it was for four people. I ate it on my own

out of the tray like an animal. Oh. It was horrible. I felt sad for about an hour after I did that. Do you know when you I did not

sorry I just switched off there. Right. When you were talking. Really? I don't mean to... That's a fucking great advert for the podcast. I was thinking... Wow.

I was thinking about... I was just thinking about coronavirus. Sorry. Okay, yeah. The third person in this relationship. That prick. Just quickly, while we're talking briefly about children being at home yeah obviously robin now a little boy he's only four um and i don't really want to explain to him that there's a pandemic and you know people might die and people have died and

i just don't think he doesn't need to know that much rosie i've just been telling him to some holidays yeah yeah just been saying to. Well, I did tell him because he's washing his hands loads, obviously, and I've just told him it's coronavirus. So he doesn't really know what it is. Great. But I just said,

it's just for germs and we're just washing my hands. And did you know that? I don't think you were in the room. So the other day, must have been about two days ago, he was just about to have his dinner and I was like,

can you go wash your hands, please? He was like, oh, mom. And I and i was like can you go wash your hands please he's like oh mom and i was like robin please go wash your hands and he as he was going to wash his hands he was going coronavirus that's a four-year-old capturing the mood of the nation there bloody coronavirus i was supposed to do the one show this week. Yeah. I was supposed to be hosting one show Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday this week

alongside Alex Jones. And I went down Friday, last Friday, and I did it. And it was... Oh, go on. I was just going to say, this might sound silly, and I'm sure I said it to you when you were on your way home. I was really proud of you for doing that. Oh, thank you.

Well, just because you are health anxiety mad. Yeah. And you're actually dealing with this whole thing really well. Yeah. Because I know how anxious you get. You've got anxiety anyway. Yeah. But I think in a health way and like germs and if people follow your stand up, they know

that you are like a health, like, you know. Germaphobe. Germaphobe and all that. Yeah. So this is kind of like your worst nightmare. Yeah. And the fact that you went down to London on Friday and did that, I was really proud of you.

And I was like, oh my gosh, you can tell he's two hours being cancelled. Desperate for the job. Desperate for work. Well, I've got to be honest with you, right? I got the train down. Carriage was empty. Didn't see a single soul.

Only had a standard ticket. Sat in first class, ready to upgrade when the train guard came round. As I always do. No train guards. Oh, boom, yeah. Pow, pow. First class, bitches. So that was good.

Same on the way back. Nice. BBC were all over it. Everyone was two metres apart. There was a doctor there. It was very reassuring. They handled themselves really incredibly. But while I was there, they announced pubs and bars and restaurants closing and i was like this isn't good and then i said i got

home afterwards on the friday and i was like look i don't think it's good for me to go down next week in case we get locked down bada bing we'll get locked down on monday i'd have probably been stuck in london so that's you know that that's that's what i did but it's one of those things i was on the one show on friday night are you going to talk about what i did. But it's one of those things. I was on The One Show on Friday night. Are you going to talk about what I think you're going to talk about? I am going to talk about what I think I'm going to talk about. Are you bringing it up? I'm going to bring it up, yeah, right?

Because even though we're in the midst of a worldwide pandemic and countries are locked down and people are dying by their thousands, BBC got 12 emails during The One Show because I was sitting with my legs open. Complaints, wasn't it? Fucking maniacs. Maniacs. 12. 12 emails during the one show because i was sitting with my legs open complaints on it fucking maniacs maniacs 12 12 emails not tweets emails the one show's only on for half an hour no longer takes to open up your laptop and get your emails out maybe they did on the phone but fuck a duck 12 but the producer told us yeah halfway through he was like yeah can you sit with your legs crossed

because apparently you're sitting with your legs open and people are... We've had 12 emails saying that, yeah, manspreading. Is it mansplaining or manspreading? Manspreading? Sorry, is this a trap? Or mansplaining. That's when men explain things. Are you fucking joking? Chris, I'm sorry.

Were you trying to get me to mansplain? Was that... I swear. I promise. Promise. I am... Chris, I'm fucked. I'm absolutely... I'm like damaged goods right now that I swear I promise promise I am Chris I'm fucked I'm absolutely

I'm like damaged goods right now I swear to God I think everybody is on the same page I don't know where I'm going honestly

I don't know if I'm coming or I'm going it was nearly evil genius I thought you were trying to get us to mansplain to you what manspreading was

no I assure you I know what manspreading is I guarantee you hundreds of men listening now went don't fucking tell her it's a trap don't have it don't explain to her manspreading was and then have a voice. I assure you, I know what manspreading is. I guarantee you, hundreds of men listening now went, don't fucking tell her it's a trap! Don't explain to her

what manspreading is. As if I would ever, ever let you get away with manspreading. Yeah, to be fair. But as your wife, I didn't find it offensive that you had your legs open

and I didn't really notice. I didn't have fucking sports shorts on or a wife run or a fucking skirt. I had jeans on. The world don't know how big your on or a wife or a fucking skirt. I had jeans on. The world don't know how big your ding-a-ling is, Chris. I was just trying to let them all see how tiny it is.

Poor Alex. Poor Alex. Well, that's the thing. Two metres away. We had to sit two metres away from each other, so it was really weird, and I was perched on the edge of the sofa. Rosie, they got a fucking measuring tape out,

and they measured the two metres. Yeah, it was all on, and the doctor was there and everything. it was all above board and perfect and i just was like a little chimp just on the edge of the little seat with my legs open and in your defense as well and listen guys you know this must be pretty serious if i'm sticking up for him you your anxiety must have been through the roof oh god worst bit was the producer came in me halfway through the show just as there was a video on, going, right, Chris,

we've had some emails, can you close your legs? And I was like, sorry, what? And I could hardly hear her, and I'm going, what? And I'm walking towards someone else, and I'm too close,

so as he's telling me that they've had emails about me dick and me crotch, the doctor's going, two metres, stay two metres away! I was like, fuck me.

It was crazy. Get me on that empty trail on the first class free, out of here, baby. Listen, I'm glad you're back. Yep. And big love, big, genuine big love to everybody who's still at work right now. Massive shout out to everyone at The One Show. Alex, especially everyone there.

Holding down the fort, entertaining and informing during this tough time. NHS. Oh, God. Teachers. All the services. Delivery guys. Teachers. It goes without saying. All the services. Delivery guys. Delivery guys.

Postman. Shop workers. Postman. Listen, this couldn't have come at a better time for me because, to be fair, whenever delivery guys knock on the door or postman knock on the door and they've got something to give you,

sometimes they hang around for a bit of a chat. Now, perfect world. They literally throw it on the doorstep and fucking disappear. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. You are so unsociable. Yeah. It a chat. Now, perfect world. They literally threw it on the doorstep and fucking disappeared. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. You are so unsociable. Yeah.

It's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, day to day. I need to warm up to it. Yeah. Why do you think I'm not in many dancing videos at the moment? Because you've just knocked them out left, right and centre

and I need to warm up to that. I need three hours. The keeper's gone. And I don't want to, listen, I don't want to put you down here, but I'm a true performer. What, because you're still, because you're still performing? Just because I can just do it.

I told you about when I broke up with an ex-boyfriend and I had to do a full two 45-minute set with tears rolling down my face, singing Katy Perry, I Kissed a Girl. It was a very, very strange night. That must have been... I kissed a girl and I liked it. They were just streaming down my face.

Because I'd just broke up with a long-term boyfriend. Right. And I had to go to work. But, you know, most people go to work, have a cry in the toilet when they're in the office or whatever they do. I had to go on stage and sing and dance. And I was just bawling my eyes out but smiling at the same time the poor people

in the audience must have thought jeez must have been a rough night in the social club oh hey middle of his breath the buffs

bless their hearts thinking who's this lass having a breakdown this girl's on shuffle babadoo babadoo babadoo back it's time for

what's your beef hello Chris hello hello it's me Barry Listen I cannae talk long I'm at work Me ma tell you about me doctor and science job Yes Yes I just wanted to tell you all

Right you know what's going on at the minute Right Stay in your house Right Alright That means house We are busy We are stored under

And we are here for you lot and all you have to do is stay in the house so I'm telling you now right you heard it from Barry stay in the house

is that is that a recorded audio of hospital background noise I'm at work Chris fuck me I'm ringing from the ward

listen man if you listen properly people will hear it I go on turn the volume up. I go on, hold it close up to the mic. Where does the sound come from? She's just hit herself in the face with the laptop.

She's just hit herself. I've got to go, I've got to go. Is that me? Oh, man. is that free oh man we need to do video podcasts you fucking guys she's just hit herself in the fucking

bridge of her nose above the bridge of her nose on her forehead with the sharp corner of her macbook listen

thank you Barry we all appreciate you and we appreciate you guys so much right now and we're gonna adhere that shush Listen Thank you Barry We all appreciate you And we appreciate you guys So much right now I can't even And we're gonna I can't even

Keep up with the beef So his ma said last week That he's a That he's a doctor Apparently he's a doctor Came from Apparently The horse's mouth

Fuck me Right What's your beef Jesus Okay Right hang on Let's just have a look At my little notepad

I imagine you've got loads Have you Mate We've argued We've argued a lot In the past few days It's gonna be fun to your beef Jesus okay right hang on let's just have a look at my little notepad I imagine you've got loads have you mate we've argued a lot in the past few days it's gonna be fun big love to everyone out there arguing

honestly I don't even know if during this lockdown I don't even know if beefs are a good idea for couples I don't think sitting your partner down and telling them

what's annoying you because he can't even fucking go anywhere Jesus oh well I'm still I'm doing this oh great you're still doing them alright

excellent that's nice do you remember last week? Yeah. One of the first days of the isolation phase. Yes. When we were just, you know, it's like, listen, you can't go out much. Yeah. Very much just to the shops.

And because we'd been in London and we'd been exposed to it a bit more, we were like, right, we need to kind of stay at home. Yeah. For a good week. Right. Yeah. Do you remember what you said to me after that first day? Do you remember?

Yes. You said, I'm a little bit upset. And I said, why are you upset? And you said, I just feel like you've ignored us a bit today. And I said, but I've been in the house with you. And you said, yes, but you've just been a bit distant. And I said, well, there's a pandemic going on i'm not massively chatty and you said well i'd just i'd just like it if we could just socialize a bit more and i said we've got fucking months of this chris and you said all right well i was just a bit upset and i said get over yourself yeah yeah

i do remember conceding quite heavily on that. My emotions were all over the place. Is that what you're saying? Are you going to say it to me? I said sorry on the day. You're not fucking getting another one. I would like another one. You piss right off.

Bollocks. Listen. Bollocks to you. Up your arse. Nah. Nah. I'll go and stand in the other corner of the house. Oh, wow.

I'll ignore you. Mate, I wish you would. That's what I was trying to do the other day. Kidding us. Follow us around like a little lost puppy. Sometimes I just need a bit of attention, right? Don't forget,

I was, hey, hey, I was supposed to be on tour now, right? I was supposed to be on stage telling me jokes. Tell us about it. Tell me about it. Having people clapping,

having people listening, having people laughing, having people going, hey, Chris, we like you. We're here because we like you, not fucking you. Sour face sitting in the corner of the house.

Is that the only reason you do it? Oh, yeah, I've heard it first, yeah, guys. He's like a little fairy. Has to have claps to keep him alive. Tinkerbell. because we like you not fucking you sour faced sitting in the corner of the house is that the only reason you do it oh you here heard it first yeah guys he's like a little fairy has to have claps to keep him alive Tinkerbell

100% Tinkerbell 100% don't pay him attention he'll die need the claps to keep us alive I do please keep going

oh bless you okay well you didn't explain that and now it kind of makes sense right well while we're here my beef with you is

right if we're going to be under lockdown for three weeks minimum, right, you, you better book your ideas up. I don't know how you keep doing it, but it's like the cordial. No, I knew it would be about the juice.

It's like the bottles of Robinson's cordial are trying to fucking escape the house somehow. No, no. So we've got a cupboard. We've got a cupboard on the corner of the kitchen island. We've got a cupboard on the corner. Don't be a dick. We've got a cupboard. Don't you be a dick. We've got a cupboard on the corner of the kitchen island we've got a cupboard on the corner don't be a dick we've got a cupboard

don't you be a dick we've got a cupboard on the corner of the kitchen island I'm looking at it now it's got two bits in it it's got a shelf in the middle nah it's got one shelf

it's got two compartments in it Rosie it's got two sections it's got one shelf the one shelf dissected into two compartments thank you so the shelf's in the middle

top part of the cupboard is kitchen roll yeah but small note my mum's in the middle. Top part of the cupboard is kitchen roll. Yeah? Small note, me man was in the supermarket the other day and heard a man say he's wiping his arse with kitchen roll. Don't do that if you're listening now. It blocks the toilet and your

arse ring's going to be red. Unless you just put it in a bin. That's the worst. Well, yeah, if you can put it in a bin, you can do it. Get in the shower and spray your arses. I don't know why anyone is using toilet roll in this day and age. Get in the shower, spray your arse. If you've why anyone is using toilet roll in this day and age get in the shower spray your ass if you've got running water you don't need bog roll anyway top of the cupboard is kitchen rule bottom of the cupboard is cordial squash right squash whatever right if it's a really bad day the cordial is next to the sink the bottle is next to the sink right i think i might have mentioned that before how much that

fucking noise is but then sometimes you'll go and take it back to the sink, right? I think I might have mentioned that before, how much that fucking annoys us. But then sometimes you'll go and take it back to the cupboard and you'll put it on the top shelf in front of all the kitchen roll when clearly, and clearly, so say you take the orange out, you take the orange out, you pour it, you take it back to the cupboard, right? Both its mates, both its mates are on the bottom shelf.

Some have put some blackcurrant there, they're waving up going, God, orange, mate, hello, you all right? And you fucking stick them on the top shelf. It I threw some blackcurrant there, there, waving up going, Cordy, orange. Mate, hello, you alright? And you fucking stick them on the top shelf. Listen, it's further to bend. It's further to bend. You're about three foot two, man.

What you talking about? Sick of it. Do you know what? I know I do it. And listen, you can't change me. I'm not, I'm that, I'm not doing, I'm not changing I know I do it. And listen, you can't change me. I'm not changing that.

I'm sorry. I leave the juice out because I have a lot of glasses of juice a day. Why doesn't my skin look so nice? Because I drink lots of water with juice, right? And I leave it out, just like they leave it out, because then I'll just go back to it again. Why put it in the cupboard when I've got to go back to the cupboard? Well, you do put it in the cupboard and you put it in the wrong bit, but do you know what the thing is, right? It's an error. After we've recorded this, right, what I'm going to do again. Why put it in the cupboard when I've got to go back to the cupboard? Well, you do put it in the cupboard and you put it in the wrong bit, but do you know what the thing is, right?

Because it's an era. After we've recorded this, right, what I'm going to do is I'm going to empty the cupboard, I'm going to put the kitchen roll on the bottom and I'm going to put the cord on the top. I fucking guarantee you you'll start putting the cord on the bottom.

Well, listen, maybe I was just here to test you. Come here to test you. I hate you. No, I won't. If you do that, I would like that, actually. Well, why didn't you just do that anyway? Oh, I'll just move everything now

because you can't be asked. Is what you do huh should i put your fucking wardrobes on the bathroom floor because that's where you drop all your shit when you take it off christ oh i'm sorry but we are getting divorced after this this ridiculous. You're saying it, you know, but I hate you. I hate you. I think we're fucking cracked. I think we're cracked. I love you, really. I love you too. Alright, leave me juice alone. It's time for questions from the public. Cues from the pews and the pews with all the

cues and they've got the cues from the pews. Guys, as always, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for continuing to get in touch. I mean, then again, you've got more time on your hands now. But however, it's shagmodeannoyed at gmail.com. If you want to send anything, send us your questions, your dilemmas, your opinions, your stories,

your poo stories, your office polls, although you're working from home now, so maybe you have my office email going. And anything, you know, your lockdown polls, although you're working from home now, so maybe you have my, get an office email going. And anything, you know, your lockdown stuff, any problems that you're having for the next few weeks

and talk about stuff like that. Any of your lockdown problems, any of your beefs with your partner while in lockdown. There's going to be so many. I've already got some. I've got a great one. We have large chunks of the year

when we are together in the house. This is just like, with the two are not happening. This is like me, it's like sort of me too has been postponed and I'm still at home kind of thing. We are. It's horrible.

Cool, I wasn't going to say that. Sorry, what were you going to say? I was just going to say it. Fucking hell. I was just going to say it. Other people are literally out nine to five. If you're going to go, I mean, I know not everyone works nine to five

and it annoys us. It does annoy us when the world thinks that everyone's hours are nine to five when they're not. it does annoy us when the world thinks that everyone's hours are nine to five when they're not like what really I think I said this before it really fucks me off

more than anything is when like I listen to the radio and it's like Wednesday guys halfway through the week and you're like oh fucking loads of people

work on a weekend you dick anyway some people don't see each other nine to five during the day nine to six

and they just see each other in the night then at weekends they are thrown to their dogs at the moment, man, with kids as well. Shit, they're bad. We can do it, though. We've got this. Yeah, we've got it.

4 o'clock, glass of wine. Cheers. Cheers to that. Should we say, instead of cheers, should we say lockdown, bitches? Ready? 1, 2, 3. What we'll say. Lockdown, baby. Lockdown, my darling. Lockdown, baby. Lockdown, lockdown my darling we can do this everyone anyway we got this let's do it okay this is from a lady called

jane and i think she's talking about when we were talking about being buried or cremated okay last week keeping it keeping it light carry on and bright Keep it light and bright. Hi, Chris and Rosie. You really do need to talk about this. It's important. You need to discuss whether you want to be buried or cremated. Cool. That's how it starts. My husband and I are at home together, and he has been very ill,

so it's something we have discussed. However, we rewrote our wills recently, and the topic came up again. I want to be buried, and I did suspect I must have been a witch in a previous life as I cannot bear the thought of being burned. Wow. Okay. My husband would also like to be buried, but this is his reason for that. He wants to be buried on top of me, his feet where my head will be. He just wants to think that his arse is rotting through my face sorry and at the end she's put yes we are still together after 23 years must be love he wants to be buried over the top of her so he wants his arses over her face he wants

his feet to go at her head so that his arse is like near her face and so he'll rot on her face. His arse will rot on her face. What's his feet got to do with this? What are you talking about? He must have really little legs. I think she's just written it wrong, but okay. I'm not sure. So he wants to be buried so that his arse is basically...

He wants to be buried with his arse on her face, essentially. Great. Yes. Great. She's put her mobile number at the end if you ever want to ring her. Why arse in her face, essentially. Great. Yes. Great. She's put her mobile number at the end if you ever want to ring her. Why has she done that? Not sure. She's put her mobile number?

Very sweet. I think it's just a thing. Really weird. Just a thing, I think. How long has she been married? 23 years? 23 years. Right, okay.

So she's an older lady. Yeah. Thinks you need to put other forms of communication on an email. But thank you, Jane. I did enjoy that. It made me laugh. Hey, Rosie and Chris. Spare. It made me laugh. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hey, Rosie and Chris.

Spare a thought for me, will you? I broke up with my husband of 11 years last week. Shit off. We were making plans for him to move out when all this corona shit went down. Then our youngest daughter got a cough

and we had to all go on lockdown in quarantine for 14 days. Oh, God. We are on day three. Can you imagine what hell this is? Jesus Christ. God help me. I feel ill.

That's probably, how many million people is there in the world? 69? In the world? Oh, my gosh, it's the world. It's 8 billion, isn't it? Can you imagine how many people last week were just talking about splitting up? Jesus. And now they're having to just live together and not leave the house.

That is absolutely. So I read a thing online, the idea, just on a random website, a story of some guy whose wife left him last week for someone she'd known for three weeks. So she left him last week and moved in with someone who she'd known for three weeks. So she left them last week and moved in with someone who she'd known for three weeks. And then they got locked down in America. Oh my goodness.

So like, can you imagine that? That's like going on holiday with someone you've just met, but not a holiday. Straight away. Yeah, but it would be a really panicked and horrible holiday where you can't leave the house. I mean, yeah, a holiday is a terrible analogy. It would be awful. That would be like going to fucking prison with someone you just met

you might can you imagine knowing someone for three weeks going let's get together okay hey yeah move in mine why not yeah the sex is good i don't know you haven't seen you have a shit yet haven't smelt your shit but come on in lockdown you live with this person for the immediate future good god there's so many people in that situation right now so she's on day three so she just broke see because i've never understood i mean i suppose it's circumstantial but i've never i i just i think i would rather go and live with my mom and dad again than go right we've broke up but now we're still yeah but you don't understand so the daughter's got a cough so they all had to go on lockdown no no yeah that's what i'm saying. So that's even worse. That's like forced in.

Do you know what I mean? Because I know some people break up and then they still live together and you go, what are you doing? You go, yeah, I slipped this baby, we're still married, whatever. I would rather go and just live back in my mum and dad's house or something,

you know what I mean? But that is, oh my God. We are sparing a thought for you right now. I mean, I've got to be honest. I think we're going to have to try and get some regular updates from her. I know, yeah. Let me know how it's going really really, in a couple of days.

It's a sitcom in the making, that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hey, Chris and Rosie. I witnessed one of the most bizarre things ever on Pancake Day this year. Sorry. Sorry. I'm just like, I'd love to know. So what is the

criteria here is it one of the most bizarre things she's ever witnessed or is it one of the most bizarre things she's ever witnessed on pancake day possibly the first one do you know what I mean that is one of the most bizarre things

I've ever witnessed on pancake day any other day I would say, if that happened on Christmas, I'd say, no, I've seen something weirder than that. But my pancake days are beige. My mam came over to make me and my family pancakes. She is the best at making pancakes and bought all the lovely fillings to go with them. Lemon, sugar, cinnamon, et cetera.

Mmm. That's what it is, yeah. It says mmm. She's wrote mmm. She's wrote mmm. So it's more of like a hum than a mmm. It's like a mmm. Good, yeah.

Them are my favourite as well. Lemon, sugar, cinnamon. Yeah? Mmm. Yeah. Okay. Okay. She made us all our delicious fluffy pancakes

before sitting down to eat her own. I watched as she... Fluffy! Watch her do drop them on the floor. Fluffy, before sitting down to eat her own. I watched as she... Fluffy! What do you do? Drop them on the floor. Fluffy? Some people make... Fluffy!

See, we make really thin, big ones. Crepes. We make them more crepe-a-la-crepe, yeah? Yeah. Some people like fluffy like American ones. Oh, okay. She even wrote mom, so she might be American. Shit the bed.

Or... Midlands. Midlands. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. Right. Midlands. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. Right. I watched as she sprinkled her sugar, cinnamon,

and then squeezed her lemon. Lots of lemon pips fell onto the pancake, and then she did something very, very disturbing. Right. I mean, are you buckling? Oh, God. Is that a word, buckling? I don't know. Strap yourself in. That's the I mean, are you buckling? Oh, God. Is that a word, buckling?

I don't know. Strap yourself in. That's the one. Strap on. Look, you're just wasting time and tell us. I can't,

I want to edge my seat here. Instead of picking out the lemon pips, she proceeded to eat the pancake with them still in. Sorry. Mm-hmm.

What? Yeah. Oh. She left them in. What did she do? Well, I asked her what the fuck she left them in what did she do well I asked her what the fuck

she was doing mum right mum well it's Brummie I can't even do it what are you doing what are you doing yeah

wow can you do Brummie um what are you doing where am you I don't like getting put on the spot with with accents call yourself Wow. Can you do Brummie? All right, Bob. Nah, not really. Where am you? I don't like getting put on the spot with accents. Call yourself an actor?

No. Fair enough. I don't. No, it's not even on my CV. You starred in a BBC One sitcom. Yeah. How dare you? Lead role, still not on my CV.

Not an actor. Great. I mean, you're a disgrace. You're a disgrace on my CV. Not an actor. I mean, you're a disgrace. You're a disgrace to this profession. Not an actor. Right, okay. So I asked her what the fuck she was doing. She said she will just pick them out of her mouth. Fucking hell. What the actual

hell? I watched in horror as she ate the whole pancake whilst picking the pips out of her mouth one by one. Why would anyone go to the effort of making a delicious pancake and then leaving the pips in? It would have taken her like 10 seconds to remove them and then enjoy her pancake in peace.

I haven't looked at her the same way since. Don't blame you. Yeah, no, that is weird. I don't like that at all. My mum would do something like that. Yeah, you would do something like that. I wouldn't leave the pips in. Yeah, look, I've seen you, man. You put a whole chicken in your mouth and spit the bones out, man. I've seen you. like that. Yeah. You would do something like that. I wouldn't leave the pips in. You would. Yeah, look, fucking I've seen you, man.

You put a whole chicken in your mouth and spit the bones out, man. I've seen you. But that's different. You know pips in that. I can't, you know, like orange juice with the pith. Honestly, I'm so squeamish for stuff like that. I'm pathetic. Like if I bite something and it's got a little bone in it, I'm done.

I'm fucking done. I think it's our generation. My mom's generation, they'll eat out. Have you seen Sandra, speaking of chicken, have you seen Sandra with a chicken carcass? Your mum would eat

a chicken carcass out of a bin. I wouldn't go that far. She would. She would go, where's that chicken? I'd go and hide it in a bin. How long ago?

Two minutes. Right, I two minute rule. She'd be having it straight out. She'd be eating off the counter. A fucking cat. Sandra, he doesn't mean it. No, I do mean it.

I do mean it. Sandra, come round here and have a go if you think you're hard enough. Oh, you doesn't mean it. No, I do mean it. I do mean it, eh? Sandra, come round here and have a go if you think you're hard. Oh, you can't, you're on lockdown. See you after. Boom. What are you going to do, eh? Oh, Sandra. Listen, I'll smack him for you.

Can you just quickly tell the story about when your dad was younger? Because your dad had like four brothers and sisters. And was your dad the oldest or the youngest? I can't remember. Middle. He was in the middle, but he just used to get left out all the time. And tell them about when he used to come in pissed

and your nana had made a chicken. Oh, God, yeah. No, it was like a joint of beef. Yeah. So he would come in. Sorry, a joint of beef. Yeah, so there was loads of them. So the stories go, there was five of them.

And like on a Friday when the mam did the big shop, they would just like gannets. They would come in, she would mam did the big shop, they would just, like, gannets, they would come in, she would come in with a shop and they would just go for it. And so there would be a bottle of milk and a massive box of Kellogg's cornflakes, right? And the milk would run out before the cornflakes, so they would have bowls of cornflakes with water on.

By the end, it was just cornflakes and just hollering water out the tap and just eating it with the water. Mingers, right? And then she would come in drunk on a night on a saturday night and should have already done like the beef joint or whatever for the morning the next day and he used to get it unwrap it and he used to pick up pick it up off the the tray that it was on and eat the bottom of it so he would bite away at the bottom and take like a few layers off the bottom and then put it back down.

So it just looked like no one had ate it, but it was like fucking an inch shorter. Amazing. Like, listen, Bill. Just fantastic. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway

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It's a girl. Witness the birth... Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all... No, no, don't. The First Omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Dear Rosie and Chris something bizarre happened yesterday which made me wonder

if there's other people that do this personally I think it should be against the law I love that one something bizarre I'm just like

eee what I love it when someone says they think something should be against the law they think someone should when they're like something bizarre i'm just like e what i love it when someone says they think something should be against the law they think someone should be in prison because it's normally ridiculously over the top like the things i say people should be in prison for are just like minor grievances i mean this is i definitely shouldn't be against the law but i can see why she's annoyed so i'm just gonna clarify that i don't think that this should be a law but i'll be the judge it's ridiculous okay so we were at work having a little retirement

lunch for two of our nurses that are retiring this week amongst the craziness that is you know yeah the c word not the good one that sounds like runt the other. We all know what you mean. Oh, sorry. Jesus. The beer. Fuck me. What we had planned to be of a Butterfield lunch turned into be a chippy lunch as the shops were practically empty. Goodness. Yet, no, sorry.

We did, however, manage to seek out a few loaves of bread for a lush chip butty. Yum. Oh, she's put yum. Yum. It's descriptive. It's nice. A children's author has a writing in. Listen, we's put yum. Yum. It's descriptive. Children's authors are writing in. Listen, we are currently writing a book. I need all the help

I can get. There'll be a lot of mmm and yum. Apologies to everyone, yeah. Rosie's going to beef out the word count with yum and mmm. Jesus. I really am. Fucking Nigel, I lost some writing in. Mmm, yummy.

Whilst we were clearing up, I saw something that I'd never ever seen before in my life. To my absolute horror, I noticed that one of the loaves of bread had a hole in the top of the packet. Right. When I saw that the end of the bread hadn't been unwrapped as you'd usually expect, I soon realised that someone had actually ripped the loaf of bread open from the top of the packet. The monster had put a hole in the top of the packet

and ripped it open to remove a piece of bread. I was shooketh. Do you know what that is? So you're looking down. Like a toaster. They've put a hole in the top like a toaster and just pulled the slice out.

Yeah. Yeah, as you look down at a loaf of bread. They haven't gone in the side with the little tag on. They've just ripped it open at the top. I think that's genius.

What? I think it's fucking genius. Why would you ever do that? I'll tell you why you would do that. Because you open a loaf of bread and you've got that shitty fucking bit at the front that's like a bit of think it's fucking genius why would you ever do that? well I'll tell you why you would do that because you open a loaf of bread you've got that shitty fucking bit at the front the crust

that's like a bit of MDF that no one ever wants although I am eating now because you know the shops are closed I had one the other day with cheese on toast and it was sad as hell

I was like eating a fucking roof sled got to babes yeah you got to now but then the next one's always a bit shit as well it's always a bit drier isn't it?

yes I would give Robin that bit I'd do that as well. High five. Yeah, sorry, babes. I do give him that bit. So do I. If me and him are having bread and butter,

I go past the crust thing, and the next little shitty bit, I go, you can have that chip, but you're not bothered. He doesn't mind. I have the nice soft bit. No, it's fine. I think everybody does that.

If you don't, then just pack it in. What I'm saying is, if you're just going to have bread and butter if you're just treating yourself to a bit of bread and some butter and just bum bum you wouldn't have the crust

and you wouldn't have the next one you'd have the next one in now maybe this person devil's avocado maybe this person doesn't want to touch the crust and then the next one coronavirus and all that

they don't want to touch all the different bits while they get themselves to an ice little soft bit so they've opened the top and pulled it open genius but very selfish because how the fuck are you going to now

close up how are you going to keep that airtight maybe that's not what they were doing okay there's more to this what are you ready as soon as i realized i immediately had to find out who the culprit was then one of the nurses looked up and said with shame, it was me. I'm sorry. So at this point, I had to find out her logic. Because, like, what? Why? Why would you open a loaf of bread like that when it has a designated opening place? I agree.

Her excuse was that she lived alone and had no children to set an example for and often does things to bend the rules. I think that's great. So sad. I know, I know. I told her I was horrified and it should be against the law. The others in the team agreed it was a bizarre thing to do and were also horrified and it should be against the law the others in the team agreed it was a bizarre thing

to do and were also horrified that is so that's her little fuck the man that's her like rebellion yeah i'll just open the top of that just pull it out because i'm hard as fuck yeah fuck you society gonna hit me with this pandemic i'm gonna open my brain from the top what an amazing reason oh sorry yeah i just don't have any children to set an example for so now and then i'm just a cunt yeah just why why not i mean listen you did have any children to set you'd be giving them that second bit of bread again for sure a ding ding ding friend of of the podcast. Carl Hutchinson does stuff like that quite a lot. He does mad. I know, but he does mad. Why can't you go a single episode without mentioning Carl?

Because he's a good friend of mine, Rosie. He's a good friend of mine as well. But I don't need to talk about him every week. A, stop stealing my friends. B, he does... I've actually known Carl longer than you have, so don't even dare. He played my brother in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

at St. Wilfrid's. Right. Thank you. Well, that's really he played my brother in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe at St Wilfrid's right thank you well that's really sad that you're in love with that is that in your long term memory or your short term memory I still don't actually know

what that is he's the same he'll do mad little stuff because he hasn't got kids yet no just like a fuck the world like now and then he'll just do

like they never tell you about the time he was on the train so he had a laptop that overheated right right and uh make sure this is okayed by his wife no this is fine yeah yeah yeah sophie sorry sophie listen to the podcast big love sophie this isn't this isn't a bad sophie i'm not i'm not you know like you know he genuinely did a gig with me have i said this before he did a gig with me the other day and people you walked on stage i introduced him on stage and someone in the front row went not as monkey as i thought people think he's gonna be people think he's gonna be a big like disgust and horrible

man no he's actually quite good looking guy he's in really good nick he's like really like fit and like you know quite a good physique anyway people just imagine him to be like i don't know the littlest hobo but um so he had this laptop that used to overheat right he used to overheat all time so if you put a flat enough surface it could watch like two minutes of of something you downloaded and it would just turn off because it would overheat i had one that did that yeah so he was he says he was on a train back from london to manchester and he was telling us a story and he went right so what i did was i got the glasses that were on the you got had real cards at the time so you got like cheap first class so he got first class and he got the glasses the drinking glasses you went i've got four of like the tumblers yeah and

i put four of them on the table and i put the laptop on top of them yeah and he went and i thought if the guy comes past and says something about it i'm gonna say this right and then he told us a story about how the guy came past and bollocked him and he got in a massive fucking argument with this guy and uh i went do you know why you're wrong? Do you know why you know you are wrong? Do you know why you know you're wrong? And he went, why? And I went, because you'd already pre-planned your defence

because you knew the guy was going to say something. Oh, yeah. And he just looked at us. And I was like, yeah, but he's the same. He does little fuck you things. But why would the guy tell him off for that? Because it's like four glasses and it's a laptop and the train's moving and what if it sort of moved to the side

and it smashed or it slid off the table. I get it. You can't go fucking piling glasses up and balancing electrical equipment on a train. I just know what he... Because I used to have a laptop that did the same and it was extremely frustrating. A laptop that overheated?

Yeah. You know I used to watch a lot of film on it. Remember when I had DVDs? Yeah, I do remember. When we started courting. Right, courting. And I had to put my hand in anything. That wasn't as bad as Carl's.

So Carl's laptop at the time, this was easily, in my whole life, one of the most irritating things I've ever had to put up with or be anywhere near. Far more irritating than anything you, Rosie, have ever done. Great. So picture this. This was his laptop, right?

It was a Black Acer laptop or something it was called. I don't know. Great. So picture this. This was his laptop, right? It was a Black Acer laptop or something it was called. I don't know. Just like a Windows laptop. You know when you get a new phone and you've got the sticker on the screen?

Oh, yeah. You know, some people sometimes leave the sticker on and you go on and it gets a bit manky or whatever. Yeah, I leave mine on for about a week

and then I take it off. This laptop had... Oh, don't. How long? Listen, right? It had the sticker across the screen, right? It had the sticker across the screen, right? It had the full sticker,

the full protective sticker across the screen. No word of a lie, from corner to corner, imagine you're cutting the screen like a sandwich, like a diagonal sandwich. Half of it was peeled.

Don't. I swear to God, half of it was peeled up. It had fluff and like manky stuff on it. Why didn't he peel the full thing off? He wouldn't peel the to God half of it was peeled up it had fluff and like manky stuff on it. Why didn't you peel the full thing off? He wouldn't peel the full thing off because it was protecting his phone. Carl, have a word. Honestly, it was full on. That's disgusting.

Every time he closed the laptop he had to pull the sticker back down and close it so that the sticker didn't fold over and sometimes he'd forgotten it folded over and I kept going, fucking take it off and he'd go no and I'm sure, I think if it were lifting at the time and he went to the toilet and I took it off and he went ballistic. But it was ridiculous. It was actually ridiculous.

I can see it. I can see it. It was hot. It was the most. And I would go, why take that? No, no, leave it, leave it. And he's like, the worst part was, I could see him send an email. And sometimes he'd have to move his head.

He'd have to move his head down so he could see past to the next bit of the screen. It was, fuck, I could have killed him. Maybe he just did it to wind you up. Honestly. That's something I would do. I wanted to pick his laptop up and burn his face with the hot bit. Hiya, Chris and Rosie. Hello.

After listening to the last episode with the lady working in the hotel and not changing the sheets, I have a story and a question for you. Yes. Please keep me anonymous. Always. Always. Me and my boyfriend went for a dirty night away in Brighton in a hotel

and packed up my suitcase with a few toys. Oh, for fuck's sake. And she's not talking about, you know, a couple of little paw patrols. She's talking about... Is she electric? No. Monopoly? Absolutely not. Action Men? No. Spider-Man? No. G. Skillxtric? No. Monopoly? Absolutely not. Action Men? No. Spider-Man?

No. G.I. Joe? Right. You know I'm talking about vibrators and sex toys. Beg your pardon. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

That's what she's talking about. Of course she is. A few toys. What do you mean a few toys? Chris, people aren't like us, babes. We are so vanilla. When did... Sorry.

Sorry. When did a penis become not enough? did sorry when did a penis become not enough eh when did a penis listen to me when did a penis eh

a lovely little fanny and a decent pair of breasts become or two penises and two fannies well yeah all of the things yeah

I'm not come on don't turn this into I'm just trying to be inclusive you know what I mean alright well when did anything that wasn't attached to your body Yeah. I'm not... Come on, don't turn this into a... I'm just trying to be inclusive. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? All right. Well, when did...

Anything that wasn't attached to your body. Yeah. Just why does everyone need... I'll tell you. Like a fucking... I'll tell you. Like a sniper in a movie. People are getting...

What? 1955. Porn, babes. Porn. And I'm just guessing that's when porn came around. People are fucking going for dirty weekends away and opening suitcases and putting stuff together like a sniper in an action movie. Yeah.

Fucking putting the lens on and the silencer and just putting everything on and getting ready to put stuff in each other. Pack it in. That's why you all end up in A&E with shit up your arse. I know. Sick of yous. Well, at least these are actually well-designated things

rather than just bits of fruit and veg in them. Do you know what I mean? Like a random little spoon or something. So, she's packed her suitcase with a few little toys, right? We had our dirty, dirty, dirty night. Great. And went out for the morning. So I put the toys in a drawer in case the cleaners came in.

Why you would put them in a drawer, I'm not sure. Put them in a suitcase. Fair enough. Jesus. Oh! in our room and they asked to specify what and where. I straight up said an egg and a wand. It was one of those 90 pound rechargeable wands

from Ann Summers. I'm not leaving that there. Jesus Christ, have you no shame. But go! So I've just left it. It's in the drawer right side of the bed.

Take it out, give it a wipe, stick it in a jiffy bag and post it to us. Post it to me, please. Take the batteries out first or they're gonna impound it because they'll think it's a bomb because it'll be vibrating. And the postman will get a fright. So,

the lady on the other end of the phone was like, Ook, I'll go and look. Jesus. I don't know what Ook means. I waited patiently on hold and she came back to say there wasn't anything in there. Oh. And the cleaners hadn't found anything either oh so instantly i think the filthy cleaners have stolen me sex toys wow yeah um we get home i empty out my case to find both the egg and the wand in my shoes in my case thank

god i still don't remember packing them though. So she just phoned up the hotel. She phoned up for her imaginary sex toys, which were not in the drawer. Wow. Like how accessible constantly are your sex toys that you forget where you've put them? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like a phone or a remote. Yeah. Like how much, yeah. So it's not like a thing. Like, I know what you mean like a like a phone or a remote yeah like how much yeah so it's not like a thing like i know what you mean you should be getting it out and like like you know when indiana jones takes the thing off that plinth and puts a fucking bag of sand there it's like just she's just got them i just don't think you forget where they are i think especially yeah if you're not in your home environment yeah i can imagine it would be, right, I need to know where they are. A little bit like me.

I've got a handbag, a posh handbag that I bought a few years ago. Do you remember? Posh handbag. I always know where that is. I keep it in the little bag when I take it away with us. I would never leave that.

That's like my sex toy. I mean, yeah. Listen, we'll be sticking that up your arse next week. It's going to take a hell of a lot of lube. It's a big old Listen, we'll be sticking that up your arms next week. It's going to take a hell of a lot of lube. It's a big, big old thing.

Some sharp corners on that. It's good though because you can just leave the tassel hanging out so you can't lose it.

Oh, so I know where it is. A bit like a tampon string. Great. So that's my thoughts on that.

But she said here, my question for you, what's the worst thing you've left in a hotel?

Have I never told you about what I left in my old flat? No. Is this the flat I've been to or a different flat? This is the flat you keep. So when I was in Manchester... Manchester. Manchester.

For six months, I lived on my own in an apartment. And you came to that apartment. I hated that apartment, sorry. Great. No, the bedroom was on the landing at the top of the stairs. It was terrifying. It was a mezzanine.

I don't know why you put a bed there. Cool bachelor pad. Honestly. Actually, can we just talk about that a second? Right. There is no wonder that you are terrible when it comes to this house and where things should go.

Yeah. Because you had a bed on a landing. Yes. It wasn't a landing. It was a mezzanine bedroom. I should never have Yeah. Because you had a bed on a London. Yes. It wasn't a London. It was a mezzanine bedroom. I should never have got involved with you. Involved.

That was a bedroom. They sold that as a bedroom. Yeah. It was a three bedroom apartment. So it had, one bedroom was in like, now that I have to say it out loud, it was,

so it was the penthouse top two floors of an apartment block in Salem. Don't get excited. It wasn't that exciting. Yeah, it sounds really exciting. It wasn't, but it said penthouse top two floors of an apartment block in Salem. Don't get excited. It wasn't that exciting. Yeah, it sounds really exciting. It wasn't.

But it said penthouse on the right-wing thing. Just had massive windows with monkey blinds. There were monkey blinds. Actually, it was a bit of a shithole. Right. So one bedroom was a room behind the mezzanine thing. Pitch black. Didn't have any windows.

Yeah, with no windows, which didn't have a bed in it. The bedroom was actually, yeah, on the balcony aboveanine thing. Pitch black, didn't have any windows. Yeah, with no windows, which didn't have a bed in it. The bedroom was actually, yeah, on the balcony above the living room and above the open plan kitchen. It was actually quite scary. So I had a bit in one of my tour shows in the Is That Chris Ramsey show, the one that's on YouTube.

Hey, if you're on lockdown, watch it. You've got a couple, you've got one on Amazon Prime as well. I've got my Amazon Prime, Approval Needed, that's on there if you want to see that. And yeah, my full first arena show, Is That Chris Ramsey's on there's a there's a video of me on youtube doing the um the cup song if anybody fancies put on repeat um a few hours worth um

so that's where me sort of fear of big hotel rooms and i came from i think that flat that i had and then there was a bedroom downstairs as well it was laid out horribly it was awful and that was famously it was the place where the bathroom both bathrooms were essentially just one off

the open plan so you weren't as we were just going out you couldn't basically go for a shit you held a shit oh yeah it was horrible

I was ill however because it was so strange I remember going up so when I what did you leave there is this what you've left here

yeah so when I was younger I used to go when I went on holidays to sort of Spain here yeah so when I was younger I used to go when I went on holidays to sort of Spain and stuff with my parents and that I used to buy like mad

shit like knives and knuckle dusters when your mum and dad used to what yeah knuckle dusters

knuckle dusters, knives like you know can you remember anyone listening can you remember them shops like on the Costa del Sol and stuff that just sold

fucking mad shit they sold like BB that just sold fucking mad shit. They sold like BB guns, they sold fucking handcuffs, loads, do you not remember man, back in the day in Spain and that on holiday

when the shops all just sold fucking knives. Like, not really, but I do remember the things that I used to buy was like them, them little coin wallets

that you'd put on your wrist. Or, speaking of wrist, you'd get the thing that you'd slap on your wrist? Or, speaking of wrists, you'd get the thing that you'd slap on your wrist? What are you buying knuckle dusters for, you psycho? Did you ever have the one, the coin holder

that was like a tube of Smarties but it went round your neck? Yes. And you unscrewed it? Yeah, yeah, I had one of them. Right, well, back of the shop where they sold all them,

I'm talking... What are you going there for? I'm talking where there was knives, fucking swords, guns... How old were you? Young. Like, young. Porn, porn playing cards. I never got them. going there for? I'm talking where there was knives fucking swords guns How old were you? Young like young porn

porn playing cards I never got them lighters my mum and dad used to let us buy lighters so weird and like fucking knives and swords

and stuff I had a sword in my room for years get weird really looking at your face now if I've shocked you or Rosie

it is weird it is weird what you buy like I didn't know what a knuckle duster was until I was like 16. Well, the story gets slightly worse because... What? I stayed in that flat.

I remember it! Do you remember it? It was under your bed. Right, don't give it away. So, what it was was... I'm so confused. Have I told this story on the podcast? I don't think I have.

Mm-mm. Mm. So, I'm living... I don't know this story. So, I'm living in this apartment. And it's a little bit... You know, I'm a top floor. I'm a bit on my own. I've never lived on my own before. I'm a bit worried. know this story so I'm living in this this apartment and it's a little bit you know I'm a top floor I'm a bit on my own

I've never lived on my own before I'm a bit worried and it's all open plan a bit nervous so I went home for the weekend and I remember like me me

me knuckle duster with a knife attached was at my mum's house so it was basically a massive like nine inch knife but the handle of the knife

was also a knuckle duster I remember it and I remember thinking just in case anyone breaks into my apartment in Manchester I'll have that and I had it down the side of the knife was also a knuckle duster i remember and i remember thinking just in case anyone breaks into my apartment in manchester i'll have that and i had it down the side of my bed in manchester get arrested for that well the weird thing was i left it when i moved out and i had to phone the guy at the estate agents ago look at me this is really weird but there's like a massive fucking knife with a knuckle duster down the side of the bed it's massively illegal i don't want it can you just like take it to the police

station or just fucking get rid of it and me i must have worried for easily six months that i was someone was going to murder someone with it and my fingerprints were on it i was going to get done well what happened to it the the people at the estate agents must have just took to the police station and got rid of it crazy you've never you the reason you've never told me that before is because I would have hit the roof and I'm you stupid silly little sausage what you I'm sorry right but I can't watch your mom dad let me buy that don't hold back on your language stupid silly little sausage is robin just walked in okay i'm just i'm oh hey yeah yeah well makes me seem so bloody frigid buying them you know them like pink dresses the fluorescent dresses with the tassels on the bottom and bloody little kangaroo on or a

camel never went to australia that's what we used to buy yeah knives a lot i bb guns loads like And bloody little kangaroo on. Or a camel. Never went elsewhere, did I? That's what we used to buy. Yeah. Knives a lot. BB guns, loads. Like, under my bed, when I was growing up, was craziness.

Great. Wow. Living with a psychopath, guys. There was a calendar. There was a naked calendar. Ladies with their boobs out. I had that from... No, there wasn't. Honestly, I had that from about 10.

Right. He's not going there anymore. No word of a lie. I had that calendar with ladies with their boobs out from about 10 years old. Knives light as... Yeah. Explains a lot about the way I am, really.

It explains everything. Honestly, it explains everything. If we ever do split up after this corona, I'd be like, ask him about that knife. Your honour. Your honour! Sorry, Mrs Mrs Ramsey we don't think you're entitled

to any of Chris's money your honour ask him about that knife with the knuckle duster where is it now eh Chris's money Rosie I think you'll find

the biggest drug dealer Manchester's got it and that's Chris Chris's money Rosie me too has cancelled the podcast and the book's all I've got. I think you'll find it's our money. Touche.

Touche. Welcome. Nice to have you. Cheers. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. My boyfriend.

Hello. Hello. Hello. I should stop doing that. I get so excited. It's because we're on lockdown. It's because we're on lockdown. People are going, hi, Rosie and Chris.

I'm like, hiya. You think it's somebody else talking to you don't you it's just me I was in the garden today I was putting stuff in the shed and I heard a man get out of a car outside and I looked over the wall

at him for a bit I was literally like oh stranger from the outside eww I was staring at him he was just looking thinking fuck you

I was like oh you should have looked at him he went oh he came back in the house. You little tinker. I think he was delivering something. Was he doing his one exercise of the day?

I've never seen this for ages. He had a Bluetooth earpiece on. Oh. Like an old, like, yeah, so I think he was a delivery driver or something.

Fair enough. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. Come in. Don't go too close. Stay two meters away, but stay for a chat.

I miss everyone. My boyfriend and I have lived together for a few years now, but we don't really spend much time together as he seems to enjoy playing video games a little too much. Is it acceptable for a 30-year-old man to spend at least 10 hours a day most weekends on his computer and every evening during the work and week? Whoa. 10 hours a day on a weekend.

Whoa. Yeah. This often means that we only see each other slash speak for an hour or so a day. He's always loved playing video games, but he is not 15 or 20 anymore. And as we grow up, we have all had to amend our lifestyles a little and focus a bit more on our responsibilities and relationships.

What do you think? This is genuinely serious and I feel really sorry for her. It makes me feel very lonely most of the time and it feels like we are just housemates rather than a couple. Oh my God. Oh gosh. God love you. That's far too much. most of the time and it feels like we are just housemates rather than a couple oh my god oh gosh god love you that's far too much

that's that's that's a lot of crass a lot of crass em I want to make jokes and I want to say

look he's sad getting to play on his computer and blah blah blah but yeah that's a bit much like listen let's peel this back

okay from our own experience you love computer games and I genuinely found it really strange when we first got together. I was like, I've married a tall 10-year-old boy. Not that tall, actually. Great. But I just came to realise that that's actually what you enjoyed doing.

Yeah. I like doing weird stuff as well. Yeah. I mean, the shit you watch on your iPad. Well, know, I like doing weird stuff as well. Yeah. Not. I mean, the shit you watch on your iPad. Well, yeah, I watch Real Housewives.

Again, honestly, again, I'm sorry to deliver it over again, but I was in the room doing Lego yesterday, right? And you were watching your iPad and it was just people

fucking screaming at each other. Do you not, does it not turn you on when they bleep it out though? No. You beep, right? I'm going to go, I'm going to say, this is not going to work. I'm going to tell you right now, this is not going to work. You fucking bitching motherfucker. No out though? No. You bleep, right? I'm going to go, I'm going to say,

this is not going to work. I'm going to tell you right now, this is not going to work. You fucking bitching motherfucker. No, no, no. Right, okay, and you beep it. Ready?

Oh God. You fucking bitching motherfucker. No, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. That was a fucking disaster from day one. I love it, mate. Just people screaming

at each other. But yeah, can you remember, can you not remember, Rosie, when you fell pregnant when we lived in the other house? You fell pregnant and I genuinely one night said to you, well, I still better play on my PlayStation when we lived in the other house you felt pregnant and I genuinely

one night said to you well I still better play on my Playstation when we have a kid you went ballistic was that the same night that you said are you going to love

the baby more than me possibly we haven't talked about that no we haven't talked about that at all I've seen your face drop when I mentioned it

yeah we had that conversation did you you don't think you cried but you were close to it very much of the oh you're gonna love the baby more than me what was my answer yes the answer was yes and now that yeah and and it's weird because as a as a juvenile man um i do now realize that that is that is the crack i don't think you're alone in that i know a lot of men who've said that. Really? Yeah. And do you know what really upsets me?

It's the partners who go, no, never. But I guess, no, you are. You absolutely are going to love your baby. Same for me as well, yeah. I get full on guilt if I play on my computer now. I can't do it for very long. Plus I get, I don't know, I get mad anxiety when I'm on it as well. If I'm on a hard bit, when I was

younger, I sound like an old man here. I used to just persevere and I was really good on it, but I'm properly shit on most games now. It's intense, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. With everything going on as well. I don't know, I'm just fucking too busy.

Well, yeah. Ten hours a day, what does he do? Jesus. Well, that's his weekend, though, isn't it? Fuck me. These live together as well. That's a strange thing. Sorry, I don't mean to be... No, I, that's his weekend though, isn't it? Fuck me. These live together as well. That's a strange thing. Sorry, I don't mean to be...

No, I think there's certain things that you can put your foot down with. Yeah, that's crazy. Be like, look there, have a couple of hours on a weekend, but not the full day. Ten hours a day? That's more than a job. Every night during the week as well. Oh, no, I'll not be having that. Christ.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. So, I'd been at my mum's and we had been talking about digging out the old videos of me and my brother when we were little and getting them put on DVD because who has a video player anymore? Really, my nana does but that's about it

Anyway, she's useless and kept forgetting to dig them out for me So the next month or so I was going to visit my dad For a bit of background information my mum and dad split up a long time ago and my dad moved quite far away, so we don't have the most comfortable relationship in the first place. It's a little awkward. Anyway, while I was visiting, I thought I'd ask if he had copies of the video that we could get put on DVD.

Since splitting with my mum, my dad has remarried and has two kids, so he dug out two tiny tapes for me And said I'm not sure what's on them But it will either be you and your brother Or your sisters But either way be nice to get them put on DVD Wonderful Might not be your memories

But can you still do that DVD thing with them anyway Why not thank you appreciate it So when I got home I took the tapes to the shop To get them put on DVD. I paid 40 quid for them. Hold on. I think I know where this is going. You might have... Is that the penny dropped? The penny has just dropped.

We'll see. You never know with this, Chris. You're thinking this might not be this. Okay, go on. We'll see. I waited two weeks and collected the DVDs. I got home and I went to put them on and said to my boyfriend, come see how cute I was.

He was just making the tea at the time, so I put the first disc on. All the videos from when we were younger had random bits of TV recordings on, so the first thing to come up was a five-minute recording of The Weakest Link. So I was like, oh, hello, Anne. I love The Weakest Link. Excellent. You are The Weakest Link. Great show. Goodbye. Great show. the weakest link so i was like oh hello ann i love the weakest excellent you are the weakest link goodbye great you know apparently she used to go into the green room beforehand and say to them all

hi have a great show everyone i'm on blah blah blah um this is the last time you see a smile and then she'd go out and be a total bitch and your little dick. Absolutely great. Absolutely great. Anyway, next scene. My dad appeared, zoomed in, right on his face with his long hair, and I just sat going, aw, look at him with his mullet. Then it zoomed out a little, and he began jokingly taking his shirt off and humming a weird little strip tune. I was like, eh, okay, weird, let's fast forward that. It just seemed like

an innocent daft recording at this point. Oh, fucking hell. So I skipped to the next scene. Oh, God. There it was. My dad and my step-mom at it like rabbits.

Fucking yes. I knew that's where it was going. Is that who? I knew it. Come on. I chucked the remote and started screaming and ran to the kitchen

to tell my boyfriend but actually just couldn't stop and find the words we had a mouse problem at the time and he thought I'd seen a mouse

so ran to the bedroom to get rid of it sure enough when he came out his face was an absolute picture oh my word so he's thought

she's seen a mouse and he's ran upstairs and instead he's seen her dad and her step ma different mouse going into a different hole. Oh, hey. Oh, hey.

Mouse's ear. No. Cat's anus. Oh, hey. That's fantastic. I mean, at least it was her step-ma and not her actual ma. Very true. But still her actual dad.

Yeah. Wow. Just to carry on as well. Oh, isn't it? Well, she had a second disc, didn't she? And she thought she left it a little dad. Yeah. Wow. Just to carry on as well. Oh, isn't it? Well, she had a second disc, didn't she? And she thought,

she left it a little while. Yeah. She snapped that other one up. She left it a little while and she thought, Very unfair. Surely. Her dad wanted that,

but carry on. Well, yeah. And she said, surely, you can't have sent us two discs. Right. Gives us two discs with porn.

He did. He did. So, the other one, also had Anne Robinson on. sent us two discs gives us two two discs with porn he did he did so the other one also had Anne Robinson on great and great

pure booking so do you think the watched recorded the weakest link watched the recorded the weakest link rewound pressed pre-record

on the camera and then started I'm not sure maybe that was maybe that was the aphrodisiac that's just fantastic you never know

I mean what did the people at the place why did the people at the place, why did the people at the place not say anything? Well, they might get it a lot.

Hello, can you turn this old family VHS porn onto a digital copy for me because I haven't seen my old self booking for a while. You might just want to.

Jesus. He did ask for it back. He asked for it back. He asked for the tapes back. She didn't mention it for a long time and then he asked for it back. He asked for it back. He asked for the tapes back. She didn't mention it for a long time, and then he asked for it back.

And she told her mum about it, who had a good old laugh about it, because her mum and dad aren't together. Fantastic. And her mum actually said, her mum was about to go on holiday, and she said before she left, don't worry, I'm not going to take the GoPro. Wow.

So I thought that was quite funny. Wow. So yeah, the dad asked for it back, and she got her £40 back off the dad, because said you're dirty man yeah can i have it back can you imagine in like years to come right years and years and years so we've gone vhs then we've gone dvd right and now we're like now we're basically hard drive flash drive and streaming yeah can you imagine in years to come when it's like you know like just minority report beams it straight into your head do you know i mean can you imagine like the same thing but like

yeah like us going to our grandkids can you go and get this um usb stick remember these massive in at size of this can you go and get this usb i've got my old videos on there can you get this turned into beamed into your head images? And it's, imagine like your dad porn beamed onto your retinas. Oh, hey. Right, okay.

Let's have a little conversation about this. Right. I don't understand the whole filming yourself having sex. Nah, never known it. You know what? Never known it. Rosie, I don't watch me stand up back.

I know. Yeah, exactly. I'm not watching that back. I don't understand how you would watch yourself back. But obviously, it does turn people on because people do it.

I don't understand how watching it back, you could be like, look at me. Look at me. Oh, hey. Oh, look at me. I'll tell you what,

I'm going to get all these together. I hear that these are all on separate files. I'm going to make a Greatest Hits compilation. Compilation. Now. Listen. Might not be on tour, baby. Bless compilation. Compilation. Now. Listen.

Might not be on tour, baby. Bless you. 10 a.m., baby. But you're still cracking out them jokes. Rosie, that's a very well-known phrase on porn sites. Oh, is it? What, compilation? Oh, man.

I thought you'd just done it. No, no. Oh, shit, the bed. Well, need to intake more porn, clearly. I could have took credit for that but the perverts listening would all

call me out on Friday on Twitter compilation what do you mean is that compilation yeah it's a

compilation so it would be like it's a compilation in porn they call it a compilation that's quite good

for them isn't it yeah it's good hey the comments on porn videos are some of the most fantastic comments in the world

oh just great just great I love hilarious comments on the back. Some people sell shit. People, like, sell things. Like, it's fucking gumtree. Well, I mean, people will advertise anyway. Hey, sex sells. Compilation. Hey, well done.

I honestly think, right, I think, you know, I don't know, I think if I videoed myself having sex, I think I'd be so embarrassed. You know, when you're finished having sex, you're always a bit embarrassed about whatever's happened. You know, if you've gone a bit too far. You know, if it's been a bit like, and then you're like, oh, goodness me, I'm going to try it away there.

I would literally just stand up and just fucking erase the camera straight away. I just wouldn't want to watch it. Nah. It's people who do it. Like, I'm at their home videos, compilations, and they're, like like Looking at the camera And you're like Oh who are you

Absolutely You would suck yourself off If you could Hey we all would We will Some have tried Haven't you Chris So I've got a bad back

Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bah Hi Chris and Rosie I originally wanted to Share this with you guys Because I was sad That you didn't work In an office

And you don't get These gems But now none of us Work in an office and you don't get these gems. But now none of us work in an office. So this is for everyone at home working. Yes. Thank you. Wonderful. So a girl comes in complaining. This is obviously to her work. I don't know if this is man or woman. A girl comes in complaining that she has stomach cramps. This goes on a few days and no one really bothers that much with her because she is a massive oversharer. Great.

She's also banging on about how she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her. This is where I take more interest. Can I just interrupt here for a moment and say, my mum used to work with someone who would,

if she came in claiming she was ill, on a day when she claimed she was ill she wouldn't put any makeup on yes your mum's told me about that very funny so like she'd normally come in full of makeup

and then some day she'd come in going eh I don't feel well and everyone would go eh you look terrible and my mum said she'd be sitting there she's got no fucking makeup on she's just got no coverage on not matter what

take a temperature oh I love offices go on then okay Oh, I love officers. Go on then. Okay, so she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her. This is where I take more interest. She's incredibly dramatic and she tells me she has a method to detect his potential cheating.

She sniffs his dick every time he comes home. I mean, what is she a fucking golden retriever? Full on, sniffs his dick. That's, sorry. Can you imagine being in a relationship?

Like every time they come through the door, hello darling, had a nice day at work. Get your dick out. Let's have a little sniff. Yep, well done. What are you trying to sniff? Check.

In case he's cheating on her. But what's he, what do you mean? Well listen, listen, you've buttoned in. You ready? Butter. She says, she will be able to smell the fanny juice. but what's it what do you mean well listen listen you've buttoned in you ready butter

she says she will be able to smell the fanny juice someone else's fanny juice this is no what and her suspicions

will be confirmed Chris I've met people like this don't even no way this is 100% true I thought she meant she'd be able to smell if he'd just cleaned his dick

no so she's saying that every time he comes in, she smells his peignoir. This is horrible. Right? This is, right.

How does she do it? Does she go, right, tie those down, let's have a sniff? Or does she somehow start trying to have sex and then have a little sniff and go, that's fine, and then just go for it? I think she just does the full-on... Get your dick out, let her sniff it? Yeah.

Fuck's sake, man. Yeah, are you ready for the rest? What's wrong with people? This goes on a few days and she informs us all that all is clean but she still has these stomach pains.

Sorry, I'm going to have to interject again. We're wondering why there's a fucking pandemic. People are sniffing people's dicks when they walk through the door, man.

We're wondering why you tell everyone to wash their hands and the fucking whole fucking world sells out of soap because no one was doing it. Because they're all monkey bastards, Chris. Why do you think? Can you the whole fucking world sells out of soap. Because no one was doing it. Because they're all manky bastards, Chris.

Why do you think? Can you believe the whole world ran out of soap? Like, did you not have any soap in the first place? No, no one did. We didn't have to go buy soap, did we, Chris? No. Loads of fucking soap. Because we've got fucking soap.

Oh, yeah, man. But yeah, we're not sniffing dicks. Like, in what world does he walk in? Like, what happened the first time she said, let us smell your dick? What happened the first... I mean, have you been smoking? Have you been the first time she said let us smell your dick what happened the first i mean you've been smoke have you been smoking you've been smoking come here let us smell your breath okay no problem have you been cheating come here let us smell your dick sorry what listen i actually you've just brought a memory up right because i long term or short term long term okay i used to secretly smoke at school and my mum my mum hates smoking right and so I used to have a secret

tab after school right I'd walk home she has a secret tab and she smokes it only for you so I'd have a secret tab right

don't be tight on the white all that kind of tab right Don't be tight on the white All that kind of stuff Sorry? Don't be tight on the white What's that? It's just an old It's a tab Tab reference

Sorry? So you know cigarettes Yeah How they've got The white paper With the tobacco in Yes You go

Don't be tight on the white Because you'd be sharing A cigarette with someone Tight on the white so leave is enough. Oh. Oh. That is one of the worst things.

James, be tight on the white. That's so you'd be smoking with some other fucking degenerate. And instead of saying, don't smoke a lot mate, can I have some? You'd go, don't be tight on the white. Honestly, I rescued you

from a life of squalor. if somebody smoked up a cigarette, you'd just go, leave as yours. Leave as yours. This was old school. Right, well,

I remember. Lingo. The one thing I remember, I remember if someone had a can of pop, you would go, ebbs on that. You go, ebbs on that. That meantbbs on that that meant you got the end right

but then take your mates if someone had a drink well there you go you were quite you know you used to drink lots of pop I didn't drink pop I smoked tibs don't be tight on the white anyway it was actually

Dane to be tight on the white but anyway I tried a actually deemed to be tight on the white. But anyway, I tried a non-Jodi. I ain't indecked it up there. Don't be tight on the white. So what would happen was my mum hated smoking and she got wise that I was smoking, right? Even though I used to deny it profusely. So what would happen was at the bottom of our street, sorry, like at the, so there was like two cuts. I lived on a on main road there was two cuts before you got to my little block of street of houses

somebody had a garlic plant in their in their garden right so every day after school i used to get the garlic leaves like fresh garlic and i would rub them on my fingers and i would eat a bit and then i'd get home and my mum would be like smell your breath and I'd go and just smell my fingers and it smelled like garlic brilliant and 10 years later she said yeah I knew that you were smoking and you just stunk of garlic and I never knew why oh Jesus guy Rosie come here Rosie smell your fingers you've been you've been cooking Italian food again you You have? That's garlic.

You mean pizza and pasta again? Hang on, Rosie. I thought you took woodwork. So, do you want to hear the rest of this? Absolutely. She's still got the stomach pains. Yeah. Okay.

Probably all that fucking dick odor. Possibly. Boffin' on the knob. Fucking glue sniffer. Wait, you've used the word now. It's in here. Yeah. She goes to the doctor who confirms that the stomach pains

are a result of waste in the vagina. She goes home, does the mandatory sniff test, and then explains the diagnosis to her boyfriend. Okay. He puts his head in his hands and admits that it is possibly his fault as he has been sleeping with someone else. She is confused as he has passed all

the sniff tests. Butch Buddy passed the 12 point scientifically proven sniff test He admits that after he has had sex with this girl he washes his dick on the way home in a puddle And that's how you get waste in your vagina Waste, what do you get waste No In your vagina

Waste What do you mean waste So waste like just Dirt Dirt And grit And stuff Washes

He washes it in a puddle I'm sorry I'm sorry I can't think here But listen I can't get my head around this I had desperate times Do you think I wanted to rub

Rub my hands with garlic There mustn't have been a garlic plant on his way home. If only. I'd have wrapped that round his nose. If only he'd lived on King George Road. Sorry, I can't I can't have this. I can't believe, no. There's no, washes his dick in a puddle.

Yeah. No, what is he, a fucking stray dog? No. I don't even think a dog would do that, Chris. No. I can't have it. I'm not being funny, right? His girlfriend sniffs his dick every time he comes in the house.

Do you think this is the kind of couple that he wouldn't? Smells like outside, that. You know when it's been raining and you can smell it on someone? I think she was only smelling. She was only smelling for Fanny. I can't believe this. I can't believe this. So she what she was smelling for. I can't believe this. So she must have just thought you had the worst...

Sorry! I can't live in a world where this has happened. I can't live in a world where someone's washing his dick in a puddle. I know. In a puddle. No wonder. Go to a service station. Go to a pub.

Go to a restaurant. I mean, don't go to any of them. Don't wash your dick anyway. Stop cheating on your girlfriend. Well, okay then. Fair enough. But look. You're worried about ways

to wash my dick. Listen, I don't know where that's where my brain went. Buy some fucking baby wipes. Use a condom. No, then your dick will smell like a condom.

They have got a very, very apparent smell I know it's lovely honestly I feel like I feel like I've just woken up from a dream

washed his dick in a puddle there's no way that's real are you imagining like the most disgusting puddles well I'm

where is he where's he doing that is the fucking cars going past how's he getting away with that in the summer most disgusting puddles. Where is he? Where is he doing that? Is a fucking car going past? How is he getting away with that in the summer? Yeah. No puddles. Do you know what I mean? I don't think this is true.

Do you not think it's true? This is terrible. It's roared very well. It felt real when I was reading it. I hope it's not an urban legend. That's like an internet version of how serial killers who are well-spoken and dress in suits get away with murders. It was very well written.

It was. Fuck me. But anyway. He washes his dick in a puddle. Yeah. Where's the puddle? Is the cars going past? In my eyes, it's dark.

Imagine standing at a bus stop and some guy comes past and washes his dick in the puddle in front of the bus stop. Chris, I was once stuck in a traffic jam. There'd been floods in Newcastle. I was stuck in a traffic jam for seven hours. A woman walked past really intoxicated and she shit herself. And she had poo all the way down her white tracksuit.

So yes, I can imagine someone washing their dick in a puddle. I've found none of that. Have you been outside recently? I found that completely shocking until the words white tracksuit. She had a white tracksuit on. It was horrific. She was sat on a seat, sat on the bench, right?. She had a white tracksuit on. It was horrific.

She was sat on a seat, sat on the bench, right? This is why I don't sit on park benches very often, right? She sat on a park bench. The traffic jam was horrific. I was stuck in it for seven hours. And she was like shouting at someone across the street. And then she stood up and I was like, she is mortal. She was walking along.

She had shit all the way down her arse in a white tracksuit. And I was like, that's not good luck. Wow. So, yeah, I can imagine someone washing their dick in a pud tracksuit and I was like that's not good luck. Wow. So yeah I can't imagine someone washing their dick in a puddle and they'll wonder why there's a pandemic. Exactly people are washing their dicks in puddles. This is what she said this is what she said she said wash your hands at the end

she was like no wonder. Wash your hands, not in a puddle either God I know, so you're welcome. I feel sad I feel sad, I feel alright I feel sad I feel sad I feel cold I feel scared I feel let down

do you want to go and wash your dick yeah but it doesn't rain for days fellow smars and dars we have come to the end of the podcast but from us

we love you from the bottom of the podcast but from us we love you from the bottom of our hearts that came out wrong, I've had three glasses of wine we're going to get through this we're going to get you through this it's all good, we are going to get through it guys it's unprecedented it's an absolutely ridiculous, mad time

we're living through but if we all just stay in the house stay away from each other, stop spreading it and you know hopefully we'll look back on this one day hopefully we'll be hopefully fingers crossed we'll be sitting with you guys

in September on the tour talking about how fucking nuts this whole thing was and please if you want to get in touch please please please

do get in touch with anything at shagmountainoid at gmail.com we love that you're enjoying the show we love that you're listening thank you so much.

And we will see you next week. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same

seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.