Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 59. Tiger trap

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie settle a disagreement. Rosie reveals her past as a Bingo caller and shares a story about a phone in talent competition. There is some strange behaviour at Brighton beach, a postie in trouble and some questionable hand washing techniques. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag, Married and Annoyed.

Part of the Acast Creator Network, with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yes, with me, Chris Ramsey, and sellout Rosie Ramsey. Now, thank you so much for listening, guys. It's episode 59, as always. We love you. We hope you're okay. We hope you're all staying healthy

throughout this whole craziness that's going on. And this week's sponsor is very much in keeping with what's happening in the world right now this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is people people hey yeah remember people i i don't really to be honest you remember them people only exist on my phone screen now yeah i remember the ones in real life i miss them touch the faces and the hands and stuff. Smell them. Sometimes they didn't smell good. I miss cuddles. People.

Yeah, I miss people. Well, I can cuddle. That's annoying. People. Don't want to cuddle from you. Annoying. Upsetting. Offensive.

People. Hey. Hey, look, you're putting us off. I can't even do my slogan yet. People. Hey, remember? You hated them. Remember how you hated them?

You're on the tube and you're on the thing and you thought, hey, God, get these people away from me. People. Hey, you want them back? That's the new slogan. Is that? You want them back?

Oh, it's like a song. That's the slogan, yes. Like, hey, people, you want them back? Yeah. But then the next bit of the slogan is, hey, you'll hate them again soon.

Don't worry. You'll hate them again? Yeah. You'll want them back. But soon. No, no. It's not a song. You'll hate them again soon don't worry yeah you'll want them back but soon no no it's not a song you'll want them back but the other bit is like

you'll hate them again soon you'll hate them again soon so there we go it'll be over soon it'll be over soon and you'll hate them again soon you're welcome people

people people talking about people no no no no no no no that's not the note play the jingle play the real jingle don't do a song

we had a. Play the jingle. Play the real jingle. Don't do a song. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle.

We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Welcome back to this week's Shag Maradonoy Thanks so much for joining us Thank you, episode 59 Oh, 59 on the Brighton line Is that a thing?

That's the bingo call for 59 Did you not know that? No, of course I didn't know that I've never been to bingo in my life I used to call bingo. Where? At Ponton's. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, God. Hey, Ponton's really did have it all, didn't they? It was great. Honestly, it was great. Bring your own cans. Amazing. No, I do like that bit of it.

I do like that bit of it. Yeah. Bring your own cans. I only know a couple of the bingo calls, though, so I couldn't tell you them all. Right, good. Well, sadly, we don't have time. Ask us another one. No, okay. I know sadly we don't have time. Ask us another one.

No, okay. I know two little ducks. 22. Two fat ducks, 22. Two fat ladies. 88. Sizest. Well, telepontons.

Good. What's 60? 6-0. Blind 60? Blind 60. Oh, 61? 6-1. Right, I don't like

this game anymore. Askers 90 What's 90? Top of the shop Blind 90 You know you could have just said What's You could have said

I'll tell you what 90 is But you made me Tee you up for it there Askers 69 Oh what's 69? Kneel for two Oh Oh

Hauntings I did say that Oh no There was children there They don't know Oh goodness me Neil for two oh oh hauntings I did say that oh no there was children there they don't know oh goodness me guys as I was saying

ever since before Bloomin Marjorie from the bingo came and got the mic it's episode 59 thank you so much for listening please continue to like

and subscribe and rate and all that bullshit we'll love it we're so happy that you're enjoying it during this lockdown period we've been making these episodes a little bit extra long for you and yeah we'll hope it. We're so happy that you're enjoying it during this lockdown period. We'll be making these episodes

a little bit extra long for you. And yeah, we'll hope it's helping in any way that it can be. Yeah. I think we should all give ourselves a little pat on the back for getting almost through the three weeks, which they're probably going to extend

into another three weeks. Don't! But... Do you think they will? I don't know. But look, well done. It's absolutely hard as out. Whatever you're doing, congrats. You're doing well. Hey, it'll don't either. But look here, well done. It's absolutely hard as hell. Whatever you're doing,

congrats. You're doing well. Hey, it'll be all right. Hey, people, you'll hate them again soon. I can't wait to hate people again. It was in the contract that I had to mention.

It was not. There's no contract. It was. I didn't get to see this contract. This is a shared podcast. I did not okay the people sponsor. It's a present.

Present. Christmas present. Oh, really? Oh, am I going to get all of the lucrative sponsor money from your sponsors at Christmas? One day. When you're six feet under. That's when I'll get it. Wow.

And still won't then. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Just quickly. Yeah. Last week's episode, I've had a lot of tweets about this. Yeah. Very angry. Right.

You, mansplaining. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, so on the beach, I was singing the right song. I wasn't singing the right song. Oh, God. But I was singing a song, and it was somewhere in my long-term memory. Right. You mean subconscious, but carry on.

That's what I actually meant. See, I have to... I'm not fucking mansplaining. I just have to explain because it would just be you sitting, like fucking trying to find the far end of a thought every five minutes. Well, I've realised why I don't sound as intelligent

as what I used to on this podcast when we started. Since we started writing the book, you'd think that it would make me a bit smarter, but I feel like I'm just using up all my words when i'm writing do you know what i mean i only have a certain allocated amount of a day right of words great and intelligence when i write that book yeah and for some reason we keep writing the book doing loads of work on the book on the day of the podcast which isn't good right so i use up all of them words and then i come to do this and i can't i can't speak yeah so that's that's why i come down here but this was the song this was the song that i meant i'm gonna see if you can hear

this hands up in the air i imagine yeah and again I imagine yeah and again yes come on come on come on

come on come on we see you on the beach we see you on the shore you've got your little shorts on you look like a whore we wanna touch your legs we wanna touch your face

oh my god oh my god oh my god this is fucking ace stop that immediately I'm sorry immediately

I got so carried away I videoed I videoed Rosie doing that looking like fucking Perry from Kevin and Perry go large

that's who I was channeling so yeah so that'll be on my Instagram on the day that this podcast goes out so enjoy that

I said the F word my mom is getting really angry with me at the minute for swearing. She is. To the point I think she stopped listening to the podcast because she just can't bear how much I swear. Well, good. We can slag her off now. It'll be more.

That's excellent. Good. You can't load a dishwasher. She hung all the washing up once. Last time she was here and it was a sunny day. She hung all the bloody washing up and then just pissed off. And I was going to bed at night and I was like, there's someone in the garden.

Oh no, it's 400 things that she's bought. Oh, she does that all the time. You see, it's a favour that she's doing. It's a service she's providing, but she just makes us finish it off, doesn't she? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to leave,

then come back, Sandra. No, she loves it. She loves it. She loves to just always leave and just leave you with a little, a lovely little something. Yeah. She left a couple of weeks ago

and she just like touched one, the pot of plants and went, this needs watering. It's right okay there's a little part and passive thanks man i love you too yeah um so that song i know for a fact you didn't mean that song you just said you literally happened to just say on the beach i meant on the beach that's right well you know what i apologize um and you shouldn't have you shouldn't have backed down there there i said it when i said it's not that song you shouldn't have just went yeah it's not that song well i don't know but i couldn't remember exactly but now i do remember that song because i had a pa teacher at school called miss beach and we used to say on the beach with miss beach great Great. So that's how I remember it.

What was happening in this scenario on the beach? Just on the beach. You're just on the beach with her. Just pay your lesson on the beach. Just jogging like Rocky. Yeah. Great. I opened up my Twitter on Friday morning when the podcast came out.

And I had a message from a lad who I went to school with, a couple of years younger than me. Lovely lad from around here. I had no idea he listened to the podcast. Genuinely had no idea. You know someone who you think, oh, I remember you from school. Canny lad from around here. I had no idea he listened to the podcast. Genuinely had no idea. You know someone who you think, oh I remember you from school. Canny lad and all that. Had no idea he listened to the podcast and the first thing I hear

you literally sent a link to that song. He was like, your ass was right. I was like, oh so you fucking listen as well do you? Thank you very much. What was his name? Kyle. Thank you Kyle. I saw him the other day. I was on my bike doing my exercise and he was going to the shop and I went past and I went just give me no but grief for that song. Thanks for adding to it. He was just laughing his head off. I'm drinking my exercise and he was going to the shop and I went past and I went, just give me no more grief for that song. Thanks for adding to it.

He was just laughing his head off. I'm drinking wine now and I was going to say it's a wine cast, but my whole life's a wine cast now. Same. Jesus. Wine life. Wine life.

I actually want to just congratulate us quite quickly. Well, I don't think we've fought as much as what I thought we would have. No? Don't you? We just keep disappearing out of the sides of the house to just stay away from the other person because i've had to tell you because you're you're a nutter and you just want to be around us all the time excuse me you're like

honestly i'm like peter pan and you're like me little shadow that i can't get rid of well at the beginning of peter pan he's looking for his shadow so that analogy fell apart i kind of i need you a little bit i need you a little bit but then need you a little bit. But then when you're there, I think, oh, yeah. This guy again. Right, great. This guy. Fucking hell. That's the point we're at now.

But yeah, so genuinely, well, you know, well done us. Sort of. I'm happy to go back through the Marvel films again, if you are. Right, okay. Well well I put a clip on Twitter the other day of everyone in the cinema applauding oh that was beautiful

I did see that oh god that was very good yeah one of the comments on it was like people applauding the cinema this is my worst nightmare

I was like oh god but anything you put on someone can have a fucking whinge about it oh do you know what it is craziness you would have hated me when I used to fly when I was a kid.

Fly? Well, every time we went on holidays, kids, we used to do a round of the floors when we landed. Oh, right. Okay. I think they did it in an American film that we watched once when we were younger. So every time we landed, we were like, woo! I remember when Pete used to clap.

Yeah. I remember when Pete used to clap and do that. I don't think they do anymore. No, of course they don't anymore. Everyone's miserable. They might clap after this. We might just be a bit happier after this.

After this whole thing's happened? Yeah. When the fuck do you think we'll be allowed to fly again? Oh, I don't know. I can't see that happening any time soon, to be fair.

No way. Good that I bought you that jet for your birthday. I'll be taking that back. What? I mean, that's just bollocks. Private jet. I did.

Chris, I did. You're allowed to fly private jets. Are you? Are you though? No, yeah, oh are you are you though no yeah yeah you are you genuinely are yeah it's just yeah you can fly them around the country so i can fly down to london or something oh i've took it back now though that's just i didn't chris honestly i got you is this a prize for your birthday you're keeping this going are you keeping it going i did i bought you that private jet with my own hard-earned cash right no that's a lie i bought

you that private jet it was a million dollars right okay a bit annoyed that you didn't make 75 euros in euro i got a really bad rate right really good really yeah yeah i kind of keep it up we are slowly losing our fucking minds slowly losing our mind are you losing your mind get in touch i go togmail.com. Oh, the Will man. Don't. Oh, the Will.

We're still getting loads of emails. I'm losing my mind. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So, for those of you in lockdown and looking to annoy your partner or housemates or family, I've got a little game that I invented today.

Last week, we watched, or maybe the week before, I can't remember, it's all blending into one. But during this lockdown, me and Rosie watched Tiger King on Netflix. Now, Rosie was... I knew you would talk about this.

Oh, it's just one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life. This morning, Rosie was listening to Dolly Parton, I think, or something like that it was, on our smart speaker. It was Dolly Parton, yeah. Now, the smart speaker is linked up to my phone, my account on my phone. So I just opened up the app and I waited for the music to finish. And what I did was, I'm gonna call this game because you can do it in songs on the smart speakers but you can also do it in real life right i'm gonna call it tiger trapping right yeah so you know how we had rick

rolling a few years ago we had like um well that was like basically um it was a thing online where it would be one video that would start as one was a thing online where it would be one video that would start as one video and then you would be like hooked on the video it would be a quick one it would be something

like watch this till the end and it would click to Rick Astley never gonna give you up so it would be called you got Rickrolled so this is Tiger Trapping

so when someone's listening to the smart speaker and it's on your phone when the song finishes so they think of the next song in the playlist

randomly you have to make the next song in the playlist I Saw A tiger by joe exotic which is what i did this morning now i stood on the stairs and i wait for your dolly parton thing to finish and it was quite it was annoying because it was kind of it was a country song as well so it sounded like it was just bleeding into another yeah so you were like oh just you know turn it trying to turn it off and i heard i kept playing it and you kept saying it to pause, and I kept playing it, and I eventually heard you turn it off at the wall,

which I thought was very funny. So basically, the game is you've got to keep playing it. If someone's listening to your smart speaker, you've got to play it, but you can bleed it into real life. So the words are, I saw a tiger. Tiger saw a man. Now, Rosie, let's be honest. I must have got you

with this five times today Well the only reason you did was because it was the same genre of song Yeah but in real life I got it with you as well I thought it was just

I thought it was on shuffle and I thought it was like Kenny Rogers So And what I'm saying is you bleed it into real life and it did work today because I got you

a couple of times with it because you've got to bleed it into a sentence you've got to say so I ran today you were sitting in the back garden guys you're going to love it she doesn't but you're

gonna love it i ran at the front gate i looked over the gate i came running through to the back garden like sweating as if something terrible had happened and rosie went are you okay and i went rosie i've just looked out in the front street do you know what i saw she said what i said i saw tiger i can't believe that you were wasting tiger Tag us all, man. You are wasting precious podcast time. It's the best game ever. It's not. Just lace it into people. You'll get them. You'll get them.

Do it to your family members. Do it to your friends. Ruin your... You could do it on video chat. Apparently there's another episode coming out of that. That Jeff, what's his name, said it. The biggest bullshitter on the whole TV show. I believe it when I say it.

Is he the one who dressed like a 14-year-old skater boy? He was the 60-year-old man who dressed like a 14 year old skater boy? He was the 16 year old man Who dressed like a 14 year old Nelly If you want to come and take a ride with me He was literally ridiculous Same like bandana And cap and black leather jacket

Constantly You look like Limp Bizkit but grown up Do you know what I mean It's what I imagine Fred Durst looks like On the set of the films He directs Fred show a cut

No keep rolling Rolling Rolling Rolling What Oh well done See That was better

That was better That was funnier And better Than that whole Shit game That you just took Ten minutes to explain It's an amazing game

And people are The nation is going to take this game and run with it. They are. They are. Just watch. So if lockdown doesn't kill you, the tiger game will. Tiger trapping.

Do it. Tiger trapping. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? Your little shit. I can't be bothered. Is that just the jingle?

Just the jingle this week. Oh, no visits? No. No visits from the beefs? They're all self-isolating. Oh, they've got symptoms. They're all locked down. They'll come back once this is lifted.

Oh, they've got symptoms. Oh, no. Well, I speak for everyone when I say I hope the beefs recover fully. You were going to say you were going to say something else there. we'll all wish Barry and

whatever the fucking Christ in the universe Belinda and Becky we're thinking about you guys. We'll wish them all the best. Look forward to hearing from you. In this trying time. Yeah.

And good riddance. Um, what's Oh for fuck's sake. Hello Chris. Oh Jesus Oh my god Hello

I'm sorry I I gloated I gloated And it's backfired I'm alright How are you doing Through all of this

Pandemic Are you still smoking You know you shouldn't be smoking It's a vape Chris I tell you before Right okay sorry But the vape The vape

The vape shops are closed can you believe it good job I've got three years worth in the shed in it well the thing is right when I seen this first kicking off and the government were on the news

the government yeah that's how you spell it isn't it I say it as I't it? Yeah. I say it as I say it, Chris. Okay, sorry. Well, the government were on the news, right? Right, yeah. And I thought, this is going to kick off. Right.

So I went to my local vape shop. Right. And I put all my pool winnings on vapes. I've got loads. You've got on vapes. I've got loads. You've got shares in vapes now, yeah? No, I didn't get any shares because they went to shit, Chris. Right, okay. Do you not keep an eye on the stock exchange?

I thought a young little dabba lad like yourself would know what's going on in the world of Wall Street. No, no. No, I don't the world of Wall Street. No, no. No, I don't know. It's not my thing, no. Well, maybe, have you ever won any tips? Right. My husband.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Bruce, he was really. Bro, call us another one. He was massively into shares. Okay, good. He's not dead. Right. Chris, he's not dead.

We're just divorced. I can't fucking stand him. Right, okay. Cheated on us. Did he? 27 times. Reallyated on us. Did he? 27 times. Really? All cats.

He's a big fan of pussy. Great oh wonderful. I'll see you later okay. Fuck off. It's worth it it's worth it worth it don't know where you got that from you need your head looking at

ladies first oh beef that's why we're here that's why we're here for your fucking audition for split two oh gosh if I get an acting job You're fucking auditioning for Split 2.

Oh, gosh. You're crazy. If I get an acting job off the back of this, I'll be buzzing like... Yeah, it's cheered me right up, that. I'll give you that. It has cheered me right up. I very much enjoyed that. You're welcome.

Yeah, good. Improvised very much so. I just can't wait till the next time Barry Beef comes on the podcast and just call, he's dark, ha, Chaga? Because you can't wait. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. You'll have to remind us that i said that you'll have to

remind me yeah you remind me i'll forget it i delete most of that that you put into my head what's your beef my beef this week with you christopher is um it's a bit of an understandable beef but it doesn't make it any easier okay okay so obviously we're going through a pandemic at the moment there's a lot going on um you refuse to watch the news at all yeah so i've decided because of your lack of knowledge of everything that's going on because you are unwilling to watch the news at all you know go on twitter look at anything to do with it other than gifs i've decided when this is all finished i'm not going to tell you i'm going to go out for my hours exercise and i'm going to go at the pub i'm going to get all your friends right

and family to not tell you right i'm going to get it i'm going to keep it from you for as long as i possibly can and then a week later when you're still in the house yeah and i'm off dilly dancing down all the bars and the clubs yeah and you going to be like, you've extended your hours exercise to seven hours and I'll go, Chris, I just needed that exercise. Right. You're going to be gutted. Listen, I watch the news and I do look at the information that they're giving, but I just can't watch it all day.

I set aside a bit of time. I literally put it on the other night for ten minutes and you had a go at this. Because I wanted to enjoy my night. I don't want to watch this. I wanted to enjoy, I need to fucking prepare myself for when I'm going to hear all of the bad things.

I've always been like that. You're not seven anymore, Chris? I know, but, you know, no one else is coming round so I can't act like I'm seven. Oh, hey. Tell you what, you'll be a single seven-year-old

by the time this is finished. Well, been one before. Not a problem. Oh, come back. Oh, my beef with you this week is... Hit me. Hit me. We...

Hit me with your beef-in stick. We were having an early night. We were in love once. We used to be friends. Now we're just colleagues we in an office of hate we yes

we're laughing but it's true career of passive aggression we had a lovely early night the other night right

lovely early night didn't actually in all it is your beef bleeds into this one because we didn't watch the news we didn't

no started watching The Crown. Watched The Crown. It's very good. Enjoyable. It's that bad. Robin stayed in his bed for a while, so we got to stay and watch it.

We had a lovely cuddle. Lovely little time. We did, yeah. Lovely little time implies that we had sex, but that's not happening. No, I was having sex during a pandemic. I don't know who's doing it. I couldn't think of anything worse.

No, I love you and when this is done I want to have sex again but at the minute I just can't I can't mate I'm the same I don't even want to

touch my own vagina I don't want you touching it I thought you were going to say I don't want to touch my own vagina I don't want to

touch your vagina Chris I'd rather not okay then my vagina is often overlooked so I was watching telly I have a lovely little cuddle and just about to go to sleep but I think I turned the light off and I read My vagina is often overlooked. So I was at Watt & Telly. I have a lovely little cuddle.

And just about to go to sleep, I turned the light off and I read a little bit of my book. I did read a little bit of my book. And then you saw something on your phone and you rolled over and you went, look at this. I've seen it now, so you have to see it. What was it?

You chose your phone. Do you know what I saw? What? I saw a tiger Right? You chose your phone. Do you know what I saw? What? I saw a tiger. Oh, God. No. A tiger saw a man. No.

Thank you. No. Thank you all. Because you know what you've done? So much. You know what you've done there? What? You're an editor's worst nightmare

because that whole explaining of this stupid game was shite, but now she's going to have to keep it in. Sorry, Daisy. You're going to have to keep it in. Sorry, Daisy. You're going to have to keep that stupid joke in because he held it all the way along the podcast. You spoilt little brat. Do you know there actually is a real beef coming from this? I'm glad that you got us there.

I got you big time. But there actually is a real beef, right? So this was actually, there wasn't that same night. This was, we were lying in bed. I was just about to go to sleep. And you did have your phone and you went, watch this. And I turned, I was half asleep and I turned and I went, what? And he showed us it.

And it was someone bending over and shitting from a distance into a toilet. Can you remember? And I went, I'm about to go to sleep. Why the fuck did you show us that? And you went, I've seen it, so you have to see it. Then you turned the light off and went to sleep. And the last thing rattling around my brain was someone firing a turd. It was impressive. The fire did from about a metre away and it hit the toilet. It was very impressive. I don't know if it was CGI.

It might have been, but there was no need to show me that video. No need at all. I had to see it. They tweeted me that video. Someone tweeted you it? I thought you'd randomly found it. No. Where do you think I would randomly find that video? Someone tweeted me it. Oh, wow. We do have a section about feces in our podcast. No Oh my Where do you think I would randomly find that video Someone tweeted me it Oh wow We do have a section About feces In our podcast

Yeah but I mean Don't send me videos Of people doing poos That's not cool I watched it a lot A lot of times I'm not going to lie I watched it again

When I woke up Because it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up Yeah it was impressive But still No need to show it Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bah

It's time for Questions from the public. Cues from the Pews. Pews. As always if you want to get in touch it is shagmyrinoid

at gmail.com send us literally anything you want. We're getting some really good questions at the minute. I think it's because people have got more

time on their hands. Yeah. Great. So I'm enjoying them. Thank you so much. Yeah. Thanks guys. Thank you for

contributing. As always we can't reply to the emails and we can't read every single one out there is literally like 15 000 emails there now but what someone did actually which i thought was quite clever someone just sent it again i read one today for the book and someone had sent it and then it said two emails i was like oh they must have added more but they just sent it again so it popped back to the top of the thing so yeah people do that a lot yeah i think that's a work thing cheeky little bastards is it um is it a like a passive-aggressive um re my last email yeah i get that a lot on instagram yeah i get just uh just bumping this up again oh no i i ignored you the first time so i will ignore you again

we talked about how the other day someone asked you where your pants were from and then sent you a massive message saying, why haven't you told us where your pants are from? Oh, yes. People are amazing. I know. Your video's got like half a million views and someone said where your pants are from. Yeah, she said you should answer the people because the people put you where you are now.

No, they didn't. And you quite rightly corrected her with who put you where you are. Well, I sarcastically said you, but you have taken it. I've taken that to the next level. Chris Ramsey put you where you are. And he can take you back down again. Yeah.

Yeah, but you know what else she saw, though? She said to me, she saw a tiger. I got her. Did you see me face? Yeah. I got that. I went, oh face? Yeah. I got that. I went, oh, she's going to do it.

Gosh dang it. Tag us all, man. Best song in the world. I'll fight anyone who says it's not. He's annoyingly a very good singer, Joe Exotic. He's obviously a maniac, but yeah. Yeah. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Hello. Now, listen. I don't normally do shout-outs on here. Okay. Okay, and just because I'm doing this one does not mean I'm going to do any more. So, okay, I just wanted to put that out there. What a lovely positive way to start your shout-out.

Well, we get a lot of emails, and a lot of them are like, could you please shout-out to such and such? And as much as I would love to, it would take the whole podcast to just shout out to people. I don't think it would be very interesting. No, I see them as well. And can I add to what you've said there?

As much as I would never, ever like to do that, ever, I will never enjoy shouting at anyone. Carry on. I just didn't, as much as you'd love to, what you want to do a full podcast of shouting out to people? Well, I think it's quite cool. Like I used to ring into the radio shows and get a shout out for like me and my sister and my brother and that

oh my god so it is pretty cool but we can't do a full podcast of just shouting out to people because it would be crap got a shout out on the radio

for me and my sister and my brother oh you're just jealous because you were a lonely little child and you didn't have any brothers or sisters to do shout outs for

more jealous more jealous than I wasn't out from the radio station carry on well exactly we used to listen to night owls in my bedroom oh Alan Robson giving you a shout out giving it large to do shout outs for. More jealous. More jealous that I wasn't out from the radio station. Carry on. Well, exactly. We used to listen to Night Owls in my bedroom. Oh, Alan Robson

giving you a shout out. Alan Robson giving it large. I won a talent competition on Alan Robson. You won a talent competition on Alan Robson? Yeah. I sang.

Right. Sang Britney Spears. Down the phone. Hit me baby one more time. You sang. My lonely nails. Sorry.

No. You sang down the phone to Night Owls on metro radio and won a competition yes you phone but you why don't i know this there was a talk how do you not realize this is madness so right so sorry anyone who's not from the northeast right there is a very very famous in the northeast uh radio show called night Owls with Alan Robson. It's on Metro Radio. I don't know if it's still going or not.

But basically people talking. He's just kind of like, he's just like loads of like, you know, in the past, he's kind of like people have phoned up and he's ended up at the house and stuff to like, you know, save. He's a pretty cool guy to be fair. Isn't there a story where he like went and saved someone? I'm sure like you went and saved someone who was like really, they were really down. They phoned him, they were down. And he like was like, I'm getting in the a story where he like went and saved someone i'm sure like you went and saved someone who was like really they were really down the phone of them were down and he like was like i'm getting in the car and he like went to them i'm just there's a really cool story so like i can't remember exactly what it is but and i've been interviewed by him in the past and he's a nice bloke but so it's basically a nighttime talk show in the northeast and you you're telling

me for the first time we've been together for seven years and you're telling me for the first time, we've been together for seven years, and you're telling me for the first time now that you fucking phoned up. So you obviously sat on hold, spoke to the producer, waited, and then Alan put you through and you sang. It was a singing competition down the phone on the radio. Holy fucking shit. That's fantastic.

It's just amazing. Chris, I won. Bloody won. Of course you won. It's fucking on at midnight. Ask us what I won. Of course you won. was fucking on at midnight ask us what I won of course you won what did you win nothing

I won the title of course you did and that was it oh god so no so I was on the phone and my kid was in the bed listening on the

headphones on the radio with the radio because it was late and my mum and dad didn't know i was still up true story oh my god oh your mama it was late and your mom and dad didn't know you were still up they didn't know what up so so actually rosie rosie are you doing radio phone

and talent shows again i've got work in the morning well i honestly remember we were sat in the dark she was on the bottom bunk with the headphones in and i was on the phone and i was like this my loneliness fuck me that's amazing half had to whisper because we might have god that is that's gave me joy oh that's gave me full-on joy yeah there's chris there's a lot of things that you probably still don't know about me that's just that you might if you enjoy that i've got loads of them oh my god i'm so happy yeah hi chris and rosie hi my boyfriend and i are huge fans and we both listen to your podcast on our commutes to work which is why i wanted to use this opportunity to give a shout out to him and i hope that when he hears this on his way to work it will make him smile

and know how much i love him john is a police officer in this mad and crazy time like many other k workers is working so hard to keep everyone safe as a result we have not seen each other for weeks because we do not live together yet and are both still at our parents house we of course message each other and speak both still at our parents house we of course message each other and speak on the phone but to keep everyone within our household safe we are quarantined to our own homes so i just wanted to say i love you john and we will see each other again at the end of all this and i can't wait until we do we'll meet again Don't know where Johnny Don't know when

But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day Join everybody Keep shining, smiling through Just like you always do and I know we'll meet again Johnny

some sunny day stop it there Rosie stop it there you've won the competition well done yes yes

yes yes shh you're waking mum and dad up oh shh sorry genuinely is that really genuinely true

I was waiting for a punchline there. No, no, that's the message in that. It broke my heart when I read that. Oh, man, you don't even think of that. If she does want to see him, she could just go out in a group and get arrested and she'll see him at the station. Oh, yeah.

I'm not condoning that in any way. That is a joke. That is a joke. Then he could visit her in the cell at work. Look at her through that little letterbox that you see. I mean, I doubt you're getting locked up for doing that, but he could quickly disperse her. It's not an innuendo.

God, I'm tying myself in knots here. That's from Amelia from Worthing. Well, there you go. Well done, Amelia. Hang in there, love. Not long, hopefully. Hopefully. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I was listening to the podcast where you mentioned puddle dick wash and sorry as if that's a sentence can I just say now as well

there will be new listeners we get new listeners every week who will just listen to the most they will listen to the most recent podcast and someone has just

heard the sentence I was listening to a previous episode where you mentioned puddle dick wash guys stop listening now and go back and listen to a previous episode where you mentioned Puddle Dick Wash. Guys, stop listening now and go back and listen to From the Beginning because you're just not up to date with the pattern.

What scares me is that a lot of our new listeners go backwards. They don't listen from the beginning. They go on the newest one and they just go back. That's really weird. So, I couldn't do that. They're a lot tamer, I think,

at the beginning, aren't they? I don't know. I think it ebbs and flows. I think sometimes they're really filthy the beginning, aren't they? I don't know. I think it ebbs and flows. I think sometimes they're really filthy and sometimes they're just silly. I don't know. We'll see.

I can't keep track. Anyway, I was listening to the podcast where you mentioned Puddle Dick Wash and it reminded me of an interaction my mum had.

Heavens above. Before any of us had properly grasped what to do during the pandemic other than wash our hands, my mum took my little nephew to the park. She sat on a bench with another grandma and talked about general grandma shite Motherfucker.

You are kidding me. As an NHS worker, I have to stress this doesn't work. And I imagine Chris is flipping his lid right now. Honestly, I've gone all hot. I'm fucking raging. I saw a photo the other day of a bloke in, I think it went viral, it was of a bloke at a checkout.

He had the gloves on at the checkout in the shop. He was two metres away from everyone and with these gloves he was eating a pat of crisps. Great. What are you doing? That defeats the object.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. You missed that everyone, but what just happened was Chris thought he could hear Robin. He does this approximately nine times every night. Always thinks he can hear Robin. Can't relax in his own home. Even though Robin is four years old and he's more than capable of walking down the stairs,

Christy seems to think that we live in a 12-bedroom mansion, you know, and that Robin will never find his way around and that it's pitch black. He's fine. Oh, I don't know. He will come down if he wants to come down. I don't know why.

It's really weird. I'm, like, scared of waking up. I think it's because I know once he wakes up, me night's knackered because I know we'll put him in our bed and then he'll go, I want you to come to bed. Demand me to go to bed.

And he's half asleep. Cantankerous fucking dictator phase that he wakes up in. Why does he rule us? He's mad, isn't he? Because you said that then. Half was thinking, I wouldn't do that. But then I'm like,

yeah, no, you would. His new thing is when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he just stands at the top of the stairs and just stamps his feet until you come because he's in his half asleep bastard mode. Oh, he's horrible. Raging when he wakes up in the middle of the night he just stands at the top of the stairs and just stamps his feet until they come because he's in this half asleep bastard mode. Oh he's horrible. Raging when he's half asleep. But we love him.

Dear Chris and Rosie. Hello. How are you? I am fine. This is a story I was told This is a story I was told

by my housemate and everyone I have told this story to has been equally as horrified as I was. Can't wait. I read this today and it is horrifying. Oh, is it? How horrible is it?

It's bad. You love the disgusting stuff. I do. I can't help it, honestly. I love them. According to my housemate, her friend's friend started to develop this rash around her mouth.

So she went to the doctors who unfortunately diagnosed her with herpes. As the girl was in a relationship... Around her mouth? That is to the doctors who unfortunately diagnosed her with herpes as the girl was in a relationship around her mouth that is so unfortunate yeah but isn't that a cold sore yeah but i think you know you've got i think you've got loads of them i think you've got loads of them if you go to the doctors i think it's like craziness okay um as the girl was in a relationship she went to her boyfriend accusing him of cheating on her. When she went to her boyfriend, her boyfriend began to cry. He said, I'm not cheating on you. It's worse.

Of course she was like, what do you mean worse? He explained that he had developed a strange fetish. It's not with dead people because it's not true if it is. No, no, it's not. I can spot an urban myth. I don't think this is an urban myth. I can spot them, but I don't think this is. Oh, it's his fetish.

If you've been to Brighton, you'll know that all of the clubs are along the seafront. What this man would do was he would wait for people who had pulled to leave the club and shag on the beach under the pier. After the couples would dispose of their condom, he would wait for them to leave and then eat it. No.

What? What? What? That's what it says. So how does that give her herpes? That was how the man had contracted herpes and passed it to his girlfriend. But herpes, Chris,

herpes are a skin thing. He's ingesting a condom. Right, well, he must be a messy eater. Getting it out lower his face. Under the pier. Under the pier. That is not the word.

That is not true. I'm calling it. That's not true. That's not true. He'd be dead. He'd be dead. Who's eating condoms? Those are not biodegradable. I'm assuming he's just... I didn't want to go into this, but I'm assuming he's just eaten the contents. Oh.

So he's not... I'm assuming he's just, you know, like the inside of a crisp packet. What? Supposedly they are still together and trying to work they are not that's what it says no i swear to god oh no way to god it says here supposedly they're still together and trying to work through things oh i can't be having that i can't be having that there is a couple

in this world one of them's eaten cum and the other one is herpes on her mouth and they're still together strange as cum rosie I'd like you to know. They've made a really good point here the writer who I think they want to be kept anonymous. I'll keep them anonymous anyway. I just wondered A. How he developed the fetish and B. Why didn't he just say he was cheating? He should have just said he was cheating let's be

perfectly honest here. Why is herpes girl? Tell now all I'm it. Glad you may tell me friends that you've been down at shield's beach eating eating cheese they never speak to us again right but then but then on the end of telling that going yeah but me and chris are still coming to the wedding we're still coming to your wedding yeah top table yeah great can't wait i mean it blew me away when I read that. That's not true. It's not true at all.

Weirder things have happened. Weirder things have happened. That is... What? Makes you rethink the world, doesn't it? Makes you rethink the world. I wonder if you could make a BBC drama out of that. Yeah, 100%.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Broadchurch vibe. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Broadchurch vibe. He's on the beach. On the beach. Yeah. It's all coming together.

Anyone who wants the rights to that we now own them. If you want the rights to Blob Eater then Mr Blobby Mr Blob Eater

It could be Mr Blobby. Do not sully the good name of Mr Blobby in this disgusting stuff. Oh Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Wasn't he sh Blobby do not sully the good name of Mr Blobby in this disgusting oh Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby

wasn't he shite wasn't it the shittest even as a kid I remember going this is shit I'm watching Noel's House Party Mr Blobby came out and I thought

what fuck off Noel Edmonds House Party what Mr Blobby was the shittest thing that's ever happened why why

I'm sorry it's just my opinion why was it? I remember even as a child, I remember watching it going, what's this? Why does this guy come out in pink and just jump all over everyone as bollocks?

Because he was cool. He was fun. How was he fun? He was a nightmare. He was a nightmare. Do you know why he can't stay in the bath for too long? Why? Because he gets a crinkly bottom.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hirwe, Because he gets a crinkly bottom. Check the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Gather round and listen to our family story. This is a family story that their parents always tell everybody. Okay.

We are a family of five. Mum, dad and three boys of which I'm the middle child. Got you. I'm a middle child as well. It's horrible. Never mentions it. Never had my own room, Chris.

Never ever had my own room. Do you know a little memory that came back to me the other day which I've actually wrote in the book? Do you know, for me to be able to have my own little room,

do you know what I used to do? What? I used to take everything out of my wardrobe and get this tragic... No, no, I love shit like this. What did you used to do? I love your Tales from the... Tales...

Tales from Down the Mine by Rosie and her family. Hey, we didn't have lights. We just used to shout so we could hear each other. Love it. We are in my... Me and my sister's room we had fitted wardrobes you know it's got like a gap in the middle for a bed yeah there was never a bed there because the bunk beds were in the side room anyway we had fitted wardrobes shut up hold on hold on a second so i didn't know this right so the bedroom no but this is amazing so the bedroom you were in had fitted

wardrobes either side and then they fitted across the top for where you'd put a bed in the middle 90s style but your bed wasn't in there no because the bed was somewhere else so you were just in so you was in a room you were in a room that had fitted bed over bed wardrobes at one side with no bed there yeah wonderful and and and the bunk. Yeah. Wonderful. And the bunk beds were... More room for activities. Fantastic. The bunk beds were opposite that? Yeah.

Well, opposite, but against the wall. Opposite, yeah, yeah. Got you. Okay, so what I used to do sometimes for a little bit of alone time and to feel like I had... Because I never had my own room ever. Ever.

Okay. Oh, no, I was 18 when my sister moved out. Right. And that's when I had my own room. Great. So I would take out all of the contents of my side wardrobe, everything, I was 18 when my sister moved out. Right. And that's when I had my own room. Great. So, I would take out all of the contents

of my side wardrobe, everything, like literally gut it. Right. I'd get a little chair and a little desk and I'd put them in the wardrobe. Fuck me.

And I'd sit in the wardrobe and I'd keep the door slightly ajar and I would sit in there by myself. Just sitting in a little cupboard. I'm just sitting there. Wow. Wow. I do my homework on that.

Wow. There's a letter here for Rosie. It's just from that wizard school again. Throw it away. She's staying here. I'm not buying into that. I wish they'd come for us. Fucking hell. That is tragic. Yeah, I know. That is tragic. Yeah, I know.

That is tragic. Desperate times, babe. You had your own... I never had my own space. Ever, ever, ever. Like, I just wanted to be by myself. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, God. Where's our Rosie?

She's doing her homework in the cupboard. It's funny though, because I mustn't have had much stuff because I gutted that wardrobe and then I would put it all back after. It just reminded us, when we first moved into the second house that me and my mum and dad lived in,

there was fitted wardrobes in one of the spare rooms before my dad ripped them all out. I remember there was a panel on the back of one of them, almost like Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe kind of thing. I remember pulling the panel off and behind the thing, you know what I saw? I saw a tiger!

Tiger saw me! I kept that short for the podcast but I just want to say as a side note, the real joy in tiger trapping anyone is making the first part of the story so long and painful that they just want to know what the end is. Please stop. No, we've got to do it. Send us your videos of doing it to people.

What's happening here is, I'm going to mention him again. You should be on tour with Carl Hutchinson right now. Yeah. And he would have loved that. Yeah. But instead I'm getting it. I honestly can't wait to phone him and tell him. I'm halfway between i don't know whether a phone call and tell him about it or wait until he hears the podcast

and he phones me and goes that's class and i go well sophie will be listening so yeah you'll find out through that great sophie i'm sorry he's gonna do it to you all the time now i'm sorry sophie anyway back to the story holy mackerel we went off piste there. It's alright. Anyway, we were on holiday at one of those campsites. I'm 45 now, so we were going

back a good 40 years here. It was one of those campsites with the shower blocks, etc. So my mum was in the shower and all

these mums are coming in saying, that poor wee boy. There's, I don't know why I did Scottish. There's blood everywhere and on and on, okay?

Sorry, what's happened here? So they're in the shower blocks. Shower blocks? They're in the shower blocks in one of them campsites abroad. What do you mean? What is that? I've never done this. I thought caravans had showers in them.

Oh my God, you are so privileged. Right. Privilege! Wow! So. Oh, wait. Check your privilege. Sometimes. Not all caravans have showers.ans have showers take your privilege they're not at the caravan they're not i didn't say caravan once i said campsite so they're camping in tents don't have showers sleep in somewhere that's not your house or a

hotel the fucking same so what you have to do when you're camping or if your caravan doesn't have a shower or a bath, there is communal showering facilities. Brilliant. A bit like the leisure centre. Jail, like a prison. No. Great, like a prison. Carry on.

Fucking camping. It's so tough. No. Some of my best years were in them. Great, yeah. Shower blocks. Rosie, you have just admitted to the whole fucking world that you used to sit in a cupboard.

You cannot say, you cannot tell me they were good holidays when for fun you used to sit in a cupboard. I know, but you know sometimes what I used to find really exciting when you used to go camping or caravan and whatever, what we used to do is we'd like watch a film have a night time snap or whatever

or if we'd been playing out then we'd all put our charmies on and we'd dress in gowns and we'd slip us and we'd walk to the toilets and have like

one last wee and then brush our teeth in the communal shower area oh god this is just tragic it's true and it was dead exciting you know what

hey you know what we can recreate the night if you want instead of using the bathroom upstairs, why don't you fuck off to the top of the garden and go and have a little wee here on your own? I might.

So, my mum is in the shower and all these mums are coming in saying, that poor wee boy, there's blood everywhere and so on and so on. Okay. Then one of them comes in to find my mum and says, I think it's your little boy that's hurt. Oh.

She makes her way out and rightly enough, there's my older brother being attended to. He's got a cut on his head, blood all over his face, and there's a bloody stone on the ground beside him, and this kid getting dragged away by his mum, screaming bloody murder as he's getting walloped. Oh. I know, it was for the article.

Right. And he says, serves him right, the little shit, for splitting my brother's head open with a stone, right? Yeah. I don't think the damage was that bad. We all know scalp wounds bleed quite badly. Back to the story, though. About five years ago, my parents were telling the story again.

Once they finished, I piped up. You know the funniest thing about this story? For all those years, I've got away with throwing that stone. Oh! To which my older brother turned to my parents and confirmed it to them. Oh my God. That's amazing. I sometimes think about that poor kid and the therapy they needed

or resentment they had for their parents. So, if you were on a camping site and dragged off by your mum accused of splitting my brother's head open with a stone, then be warned, middle children are evil. Wow. So it was him. It was him who did it. It was the middle child who did it and some other kid got bollocked. Bollocked for doing it

and then bollocked for lying about it. I know. But they both just let this other kid get away with it. So the guy who got hit in the head, he pretended it was the other kid as well for years. Sometimes, Chris, this is what you've got to do. Really? Is this a siblings?

I know nothing about siblings. Or camping. Yeah. Okay. So the thing is, sometimes if you haven't done anything wrong, if you have a fight with your brother or sister, okay,

if you haven't done anything wrong and you know you've got evidence that you haven't done anything wrong, so someone else has seen you or whatever and you know that you've done nothing wrong right then you tell on them okay okay but if you have done something as well right then you kind of just keep it to yourselves wow because then you'll just get bollocked as well oh it's like the mob in it i remember one time i hit my sister when we were younger. She went off to tell me mum. So I got my nails and I dug them into my arm. And I went, me mum, look what she did to me.

Oh my God. So there you go. That's dark. That's dark. US survival skills. Jesus. Yeah. Wow.

True story. Bloody hell. I know. Me mum believed us as well. So I got away with it until now no thank you

she doesn't listen anymore so we're alright well yeah we're fine it's all good babadoo babadoo babadoo bah dear Rosie and Chris

currently binging your podcast during lockdown and vicariously living my relationship through you two as me and my girlfriend are isolated alone it's absolutely brilliant

to listen to and makes me laugh out loud on my daily I thought they said wank but it says walk i read it i read it daily wank yeah please don't listen to this on your daily wank my girlfriend kirsten please name her is also listening to your podcast but she is currently listening to them from most recent to oldest what the actual f he's put there. So there is people who do it. There is. Yeah, yeah. Point in case. Proven. Well done.

My girlfriend is currently back living with her parents and has been since we've been together. During the early days of our relationships, I would stay there on Thursday nights before work. This meant I had to get ready at 6 a.m. then head out the door from the family home. No issue. No drama.

That's what he's put. Cool dude. No drama, no drama. Cool guy. The Fonz. No issue, no drama. Hey, I live at 6am. No issue, no drama. After two months of seeing each other, her and her parents moved to a new house, and I continued to stay Thursday nights. Unfortunately, there was only an en-suite Fuck that. A, who wants to do that? B, what parents are up for letting that happen? Exactly.

I'd be like, your boyfriend's not coming anymore. I know. Or, washy stick in the sink. Probably wouldn't have said that happen. Exactly. I'd be like, your boyfriend's not coming anymore. I know. Or, wash his dick in the sink. Probably wouldn't have said that, but yeah. Victorian wash. Yeah, but I wouldn't say that to my daughter. Get your boyfriend to wash his dick in the sink. Well, why not?

I'd rather that. I'd rather... Applies he's been sticking it in my door, and I don't think I'd be up for that. That's not what I was implying. Because that's gross. I hadn't even thought about that. Right, okay.

I also just thought he might not want to go to work. you know what so keep going right okay what i can't get my head i tell people how strange this is but he's not taking a poll which i'm a bit annoyed about because he hasn't really wasting everyone's time and my girlfriend gets really angry i'm telling people as she thinks it's completely normal and I'm making a big deal out of nothing, what do you think? No, it's mad. It's really weird. It's really weird. I cannot say.

I mean, we aren't at that stage right now. But I don't think I would be happy with one of Robin's girlfriends or boyfriends walking past us while we are in bed a kip. And, like, maybe if you know each other a bit better, possibly now I would walk past your mum and dad in the towel, if they knew about it.

Say the night before, if I'd said to your mum and dad, I'm really sorry, I've got to have a shower in the morning, do you mind? But I'd still feel weird, even now. Well, they'd probably get up and get out of the room. Yeah. Yeah. That. Yeah.

Yeah. That is strange. Aren't families all different? Yeah. But for me, right, what would be the worst is if I was the bloke, if I was the guy in bed, the dad, and the bloke went through, it wouldn't bother us that he'd gone through,

it wouldn't bother us, but you know he's going to have his morning shite in that room. You know he's going to have his morning shite. You're going to hear that. No, he wouldn't. Yes, he is. I don't think he wouldn't. You're going to hear that. No, he wouldn't. Yes, he is. I don't think he wouldn't. You're going to hear that, right?

And then, all right, okay, so let's just say best case scenario, he's not going to have his morning shite. You're going to hear him get in the shower. You're going to hear the water. And then you know for a fact early morning you're going to hear, morning huckling in the shower and you're lying there. Why do you think that you have to do certain things in the morning? Why is that a thing?

Just because you're disgusting doesn't mean everybody else is. Why do you think that you have to do certain things in the morning? Why is that a thing? Just because you're disgusting doesn't mean everybody else is. Just because you're huckling your brains up of a Friday morning in my mum and dad's en suite doesn't mean that everybody else is. Do you know what I mean? Just because you have gone past my mum and dad asleep, they've just got back together, you're walking past them in their bedroom having your shite i wouldn't be happy i wouldn't be happy on either end of this scenario i wouldn't be happy

being the person sending me partner past my mom and dad i wouldn't be happy being the mom or the dad and i wouldn't be happy being the partner this is weird i'm really sorry i find this weirder than a lot of things than a lot of even weirder shit we've been sent and i don't know why i just feel like it's strange that's just brought up a memory for me. And it's not even a memory. It's like a current thing that I'm not as embarrassed about now. But I grew up in a house where we didn't have a downstairs toilet. We only had an upstairs toilet in the bathroom. We only had the one toilet in the house.

Your mum and dad's house has got a toilet downstairs. And then upstairs, they've got an en suite. And why have they got so many toilets? It's got three toilets three toilets it's only a three bedroom house toilet paper bedroom wow

never thought about that before there's a lot of toilets in the house anyway so it's very very embarrassing

when you go to your house and you need a poo right and so for all the wheeze I go downstairs right but then whenever I go upstairs

I go I'm just going to the loo and I go upstairs and I know your mum's like oh she's having a shame and I just think oh yeah I am

and I'm sorry but we've been here for hours you called it my house there that was weird you called it my house this is my house well it was your house

yeah it's my mum and dad's house yeah but you know you used to live there god really strange but isn't that awful and you've done it as well I know that you've gone up to that awful? And you've done it as well.

I know that you've gone up to that toilet upstairs and I've thought, oh, he's off for a poo. When our water tank packed in and I had to go to my mum's in a few days to have a shower in the morning, I would drop Robin off at nursery and I would go to my mum's.

I would go upstairs to have another two and have a shower. Both of them would come upstairs and start pottering on while I was upstairs. I don't know what they were playing at. I was like, stay down. What are you doing? They just started pottering on while I was upstairs I don't know what they were playing at I was like stay down

what are you doing they just started pottering on I could just hear them chatting and fucking about I was like it's their house I know but stay downstairs I'm you know

I'm a guest you're their son yeah but I'm a guest it's not my house anymore but my bedroom sorry to interrupt there my bedroom that used to be my bedroom

they call that Robin's room now that's painful that just hurts He's got track of that bed and everything It's like a full on little boy's room Oh get over yourself The wanks I had in that room In our little boy's room

That's disgusting Millions Millions It will be as well Millions Oh vile Babadoo babadoo babadoo I've got one here for you

Bit long Bit long but a bit weird But also Just interesting, I would say. Okay. Hi, Rosie and Chris. When I was in uni, I'd started using Tinder. So this must be, you know, she can't be long out of uni. We're talking within five years, I reckon.

Has it not been longer than that, Chris? Tinder, I don't know. It's been a bit longer than that, you know. We'd been together for seven years. It was only just around when we started getting together. Thankfully, I never got on Tinder. I never did it. I would have liked to have done it, to be honest.

That's lovely to hear. I'd started using Tinder, and after months of swiping, it finally happened. The boy I'd matched with looked like a combination of Ryan Gosling, Tom Hardy, and David Beckham, it finally happened the boy i'd matched with looked like a combination of ryan gosling tom hardy and david beckham all rolled into one with angelina jolie as his mother he was beautiful i mean by the sounds of this i'd fuck him naturally i'd assumed he'd swipe me on tin on a tinder drinking game oh bless her now oh naturally i'd assumed he'd swipe me on a tinder drinking game

or he was a catfish so I ignored the swipe so I'm guessing it's a match or something if they I think if you like them you swipe right or if you don't like them

you swipe left well they both so she'd swiped alike and he'd swiped alike but so they must have both got a swipe match I sound like someone's

fucking grander here I'm very aware I have no idea so he's went aye and she's went aye and then but she's looked and very aware i have no idea so so he's went i and she's went i and then but she's looked and thought this must be bollocks because he's he's obviously just that fit oh um bless your love i ignored the swipe then he messaged me and we got on really well we were chatting for a couple of days when he asked me on a date i still couldn't believe it this

gorgeous guy wanted to go out with me that night I went to a bar waiting for the biggest catfish in the world to walk through the door. Well, to my surprise, no catfish. Mr Beckham slash Hardy slash Gosling walked in through the door and I was so nervous that I thought there was only one way to get through the date

and that was drink. By the first hour, I'd already had a bottle of wine. She says that like it's impressive. Bottle of wine in an hour? Fucking casual. I'm doing that before midday on lockdown, baby. My darling.

After a couple of hours and more wine, I thought to myself, when am I going to get the opportunity to go out with someone this good looking again? So I took a chance. Oh, bless a heart, man. Oh, God, have more faith in yourself, my love. My darling. My darling. So I took a chance. Oh, bless a heart, man. Oh, God, have more faith in yourself, my love. My darling.

My darling. So I took a chance and invited him back to my uni house and he said yes. Swag. Well, so we were back at mine kissing on the bed and then he stops

and tells me he has a secret. The reason why the most beautiful lad in the world was out with me and not a Victoria's Secret model was about to become clear. He proceeded to tell me, it's not filth secret model was about to become clear he proceeded to tell me it's not filth it's just fucking weird he proceeded to tell me that he has a fetish and

that fetish was to be treated as a piece of furniture and he asked me if i would treat him like a footstool my response being hammered was did you watch too much in the beast when you were younger high five wonderful he was obviously so upset by my joke that in order to make him feel better and less of a psycho i agreed i feel like that's a lie i feel like you just went straight for it but fair enough we went downstairs and i sat on the sofa whilst he curled up in a ball at my feet and i placed my legs on top of his back is that that's that's all right that's okay but it gets weirder oh no i texted my housemates what was happening and they all started congregating downstairs to watch when they asked him what he was doing he responded i can't talk i'm a footstool oh now when we do method that's called method acting listen this way

now when we don't want to be disturbed this is simply the response we give so if one of them is busy somewhere in the house the other ones that they've got sorry i can't talk i'm a footstool um he eventually asked if all of us would take turns in using him as a footstool and we did it we We binge watched Gossip Girl taking turns to use the most beautiful lad in the world as a footstool. The experience has bonded us for life and we still cry laughing about it 10 years on. It was 10 years. 10 years ago? And the answer is no, I never got to shag him.

All he wanted to do was be a footstool and that was enough to get him off. I was fucking fuming. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Isn't that great? He wanted to pay a footstool. Wow, man. Like, good God.

Do you think it's got something to do with past lives? No, because I think that's bollocks. Do you not think he might have been something in a past life? No, because I don't believe in past lives, because there's more people now than there ever has been. So where's the spares going? So there'll be people born without past lives, but there'll be people born with past lives.

Fresh. Fresh meats. I don't know. She's got a question on the end of this. It's quite a good question. My question is, if you could be any piece of furniture, what would it be and why?

Wow. I would be a sofa. Of course you would. Because and why? Wow. I would buy a sofa. Of course you would. Because I love sofas. I've seen a new one that I want. Oh, God. But, because we're currently on lockdown, I don't want to order it because it might,

they might take my money and I might never get it. Or they might bring it and go, we're leaving it on the porch and I've got to carry a fucking sofa in with you. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Do you remember the other day I walked into the living room and you went, do you want to play,

do you want to move some sofas? Do you want to play move the sofas? And I went, no. And I just walked back out. I just like moving them out. You want to move them every five minutes. It's madness. I've known nothing like it.

If I could be any form of furniture. Oh yeah, come on then. I think I would be. And I don't know if these things exist because they sound amazing. But I'm going to throw it out there. I'd be a dining table that turned into a pool table.

You have that. Oh, they do exist. They're amazing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm joking. I'd be a computer chair. I'd be one of them computer chairs with the speakers in the head and that.

No, I'd be a lazy boy with a fridge in the arm. Oh, I'm a bit drunk. But I'd be one of them. I'd be a lazy boy with a fridge in the arm. I just want to leave on this note with that story in question you can't trust really really attractive people oh this is an interesting theory okay why

because I think they're just too attractive and they've never had to they've never had to try in their life they've never had to develop a personality because they're just really attractive and you know I would never go and meet someone and say you know sit on his

I want to be a chair because I've had to develop like skills and social skills whereas he clearly never has because everyone's just gone

oh right like she did it yeah the mugs did it I mean they all took a shot I still think he was out on a day I honestly still think

he was out on a day for the fact that he let them all do it although I don't know was he having a cheeky little wank while it was happening I don't know he was curled in a day. I honestly still think he was out on a day for the fact that he let them all do it. Although, I don't know, was he having a cheeky little wank while it was happening? I don't know. He was curled in a ball.

But what I was going to, sorry to interrupt you before, but what I was going to say was, have you ever bumped into someone who was the really good looking person at school since school and tried to have a conversation with them? Yeah, it's like...

Oh my God. Oh my God, it's unbelievable. Too pretty. Hey, there's that guy who was the best looking in the year and was going out with all them girls and was great at football and was dead hard. Hello, mate.

Hurr. Caveman, hurr. Oh God, this is awkward. Still looks nice though. Honestly, still book him. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Weirdly, the other day, right, you gave me a lie-in very kindly.

And I went back to sleep. You came in Very kindly Yeah And I went back to sleep You came downstairs Rob And I went back to sleep And I had like one of them Delirious half asleep Half awake dreams Love them I was dreaming about the podcast

I was dreaming about people Sending questions Why are you so obsessed with this? With you Yeah It's because of our 20 million downloads I'm obsessed with

I had a dream About this question And I woke up And I quickly wrote it Straight in my phone Okay And I haven't googled it or anything since. I don't know if it's a question.

I've stole it from somewhere. I'm not sure, right? But the question that someone asked is in my dream. Well, why don't you be this week's celebrity question? Shall I? Yeah. I really will enroll you. Oh, God.

You've never done one before. Oh, shit. Oh, God. You've been on Strictly? Ready? Yeah. It's time for Celebrity Question. Yeah. Go. In reduces, then. ready yeah it's time for celebrity question yeah in reduces them oh this week's celebrity question is from the marginally talented um zed list celebrity scraping the barrel with this one

if we're totally honest with you uh everyone's on lockdown people are too busy doing Instagram lives. Christopher Ramsey. Cool, thanks. My second question is, if you were a centipede, right? The one with all the hundred legs. Would you always wear shoes or never wear shoes?

Is that something you've heard before? I genuinely thought of that in a dream. Like, would you, do you get what I mean? Would you constantly, because you've got a hundred legs genuinely thought of that in a dream. Like, would you, do you get what I mean? Yeah.

Would you constantly, because you've got a hundred legs. Yeah. Would you constantly have a pair of shoes on and you were like, look, these are just the things I wear all the time. Or would you be barefooted all the time

if you had a hundred legs? I'd be barefooted. Yeah. Simply because having shoes, I know they'd be very small, but they would all rub off each other. Do you know what I mean?

Have they got feet? No, I don't know what you mean at all. So the thing is, you're you, you are you. Oh, I'm me, I'm not a centipede. Well, you're a centipede you, so there's you, but then behind your shoulders, let's say a bum, behind your bum is another arse and another arse, so there's 100 legs behind,

so there's 50 right okay more wastes with legs coming down so you're just you but a centipede but somehow right okay you can you can you know you're bendy you can get you can reach all your feet would you always wear shoes meaning you'd have them on all the time because you can't be fucking take them off and on all the time so you'd have to choose to always wear shoes or never wear shoes. Well, I'd have to wear shoes because I'd get sore feet. Always. Well, how are you going to walk to the shops?

Don't know. Maybe you'd just get really hard. What if you stood in dog poo? Hose? I don't know. Be really long bath. What is this? The 1810?

I'd like to wear some shoes, please. Okay, so you'd wear shoes all the time? You'd have to. What if you were going to someone's house that had really nice carpets? Then I wouldn't go. I'd say, I'm sorry I can't come round, but it takes us 20 hours to take all my shoes off. So I'll meet you at the park once this is all done

and we can be together again. What would you do? I don't know. I woke up half delirious thinking about it. Are you alright? I think I'm drunk and I'm delirious and I've been on lockdown and honestly I'm having a breakdown.

Do you know what's very funny? Because obviously we do this podcast and believe it or not, it's absolutely not scripted at all. I wish it was. I can't imagine scripting this. Bollocks. But I didn't realise

that last week we were talking about crack and I said, I've never tried crack cocaine and then you said, oh, neither have I but I've heard it's Moorish. Like at least 20 people

tweeted me that and remembered that. Really? But I forgot that we said that. Oh, the joke? Yeah. It was just a joke I said on the spot.

You said crack cocaine's Moorish and I thought it was quite funny but I don't remember laughing at said that. Oh, the joke, yeah. That was, yeah. It was just a joke I said on the spot. You said crack cocaine's moreish. Yeah. And I thought it was quite funny. But I don't remember laughing at the time. So, well done for that. Fuck me. We are, we are, honestly, we are on the edge here. This is...

Oh, I'm having a, I'm having a breakdown. I am currently, I'm due on, which is horrible, why Boris didn't stop periods for a couple of months. Why did he cancel periods? Do you know what I mean? Oh, God. Get well soon, Boris, by the way. Yeah, get well soon.

Due on, having a mental breakdown, becoming an alcoholic, eating everything in sight. I am, yeah, I'm currently sick of my life. I'm also currently Robin's favourite and I'm happy for that

to fucking end wherever it can because I've had enough. Yeah, he's obsessed with you. I can't get away from him. It's minging. I can't get away from him. I'm currently Robin's favourite and I'm happy for that to fucking end wherever it can because I've had enough. Yeah, he's obsessed with you. I can't get away from him. It's minging. I can't get away from him. I'm sick. I'm sick of being in the other room

listening to you two bonding, if I'm honest. Vile. Absolutely gut churning. Vile? Vile. It is. Jealous.

Yeah, you could say that as well babadoo babadoo babadoo bab let's talk about shit baby let's talk about poo and wee let's talk about all the good shits all the bad shits that have been let's talk about shit

let's talk about shit with a little bit of shit let's talk about shit shit married and shit ka-pow Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shit, married and shit. Ka-bow. I enjoyed that. That was great.

That was great. Right, go, go, go, go, go. Piyow, piyow, piyow. End on a high. End on a high. Wait a minute. It's a jab. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Hi. This is about my wife. Luckily, she listens to this podcast and I want to be evil and share this story with you guys. Oh. Enjoy. Enjoy. But I need to not say her name as if someone from her work listens to this, she may be sacked. As to this day, no one at the office knows who done what I'm about to tell you. Wow.

Great. Let's do it. Where do I start? My wife works for, he's put this... She's a post woman. Post lady. Post person. Post person. I don't want to say who she works for.

Royal Mail. Well, fucking hell. I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to work that out. Is there not any other companies? Rosie, I cracked your code. Christ on her bike. She's a post person for what company? The only company that has post people?

Are they the only company that does it? Oh, fair enough. I just didn't want to get in trouble. Honestly. My partner is an officer of the law. I don't want to say who for.

Is it the police? God damn it, how did you crack it? Jesus. Howie, it's fine. There's millions of postal workers. Okay, okay, anyway. And goes out on her deliveries by herself. Days before this

happened, she was off work in pain due to her not being able to poo. We tried everything. Curries and laxatives would still wouldn't work. I can just say, sorry, that's one of the beautiful things about being married. If one of you is constipated, it's a team effort to try and sort it out.

It's both of you. It really is. It's like, let's do this. Let's unplug this blockage. Let's get this shit out. Love it. Love it. So they tried everything.

Still didn't work. So she thought she would go back to work and see if walking would help as she walks miles a day It can do it It can loosen you up Yeah apparently As a man who's been chronically constipated before

I can tell you it can work Good yeah Didn't work for me but you know Thank you for sharing that Anyway She went back And went out on delivery And a couple of hours later

I receive a phone call from my wife She's calling me saying She's going to shit herself. Mint. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't like shitting in public toilets, but I tell her, find a supermarket or somewhere else with a toilet. But unfortunately again, she was working in a rural area that had nothing but farmland. Nightmare.

She hangs up. Ten minutes later, she calls me again, crying. Saying she needs me to come find her. And I'm asking, what's happened? Are you okay? She replied, no. I'm in the back of the van and I couldn't hold it any longer and I've shit in a postal red bag. I told her to go back to the office and explain

what had happened. She went back to the office crying but couldn't tell anyone what had happened. She went upstairs to the toilet to sort herself out then went home without saying a word. But this isn't the end of the story. A few days later the managers called everyone up for a meeting and asked who used M5 van last Tuesday. Oh, never in the world. As they had found a wet, disgusting shit. Wet! In a postal bag.

Why did they have to say it was wet? Just say a shit, right? And we have found, and I'm going to describe it, and I'm going to use some adjectives. Wet, not dry. solid moist um to this day no one knows it was my wife and they now have a nickname for this mystery person the mystery shitbag brilliant yeah funny thing is this story was used in my father-in-law's speech on our wedding day and i've never seen her so embarrassed in my five years being with her.

Thanks for reading this. Wonderful. Thank you very much. Oh, great. Shot in a postal bag. The Queen's postal bag as well. Disgraceful. Probably treason, that. Might as well have killed a swan while you were at it. Shocking. My question is, why didn't you take it home with her?

Why did she have a poo in the bag and leave it in the back of her work van? I don't know. That's a really good shout. Why do that? And I'm not being... If she's in rural farmland, why didn't she just go in the field? Jesus. People, man. People.

She's not being smart. Smart, smart. No, no, no. Smart, smart. None of the smarts. I mean, you know, a field's very open. It's very worrying. Do you know what I mean? Rural fields, joggers,

people on motorbikes, people on bicycles, farmers, anyone could just... You feel like no one's there, but if it's like rolling hills, people can just pop up. It takes a long time to do a poo sometimes.

People can just pop up from nowhere. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, true. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, not. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, not really, but... So you would have went for field, not van? I would have absolutely went for field

over the postal van. Yeah, but if you've got a van that closes up and no one can see you, you wouldn't just do it there. I mean... Wait, listen. I mean, if this was me

and put myself in this scenario, I may have got a bit of junk mail. You can tell junk mail. Anything that said the occupier. Yeah. There's no name. That's junk mail. Do you know what I mean?

From a phone company or something like that. I'd have got a few of them. I'd have laid them out in the back of the van. Pizza menu. Something like that. Great. Do you know what I mean? I'd have got a few of them.

Laid them out like a cat of them laid them out like a cat laid them out like a litter tray great I'd have done my business on there in the back of the van and then I would have scooped it all up and took it home

probably or I'd have drove past a house of somebody I know somebody I could trust and say can I dispose of this somebody I could sorry

sorry you would go past someone's house and go alright I've just shat in this menu. Can I come and leave it in your bin? There's a few people I would tell that. Would you not?

I could. I'd throw it in a drain. I'd throw it in a hedge. I'd throw it anywhere. Could you not go to, is it not a couple of friends or maybe a family member that you could go to and say that? I could. If I went to my brother or sister's house or my two best friends, Angela, I'll name member that you could go to and say that I could if I went to my brother

or sister's house or my two best friends Angela I'll name them I'd go to Angela's I'd go to Steph's I'd go to Kate's I'd go to Kevin's

I'd go to my mum's I'd go to my dad's I'd go to my nana's and that's probably about it currently listing the luckiest people in the world I would go to them and say

I had to have a poo in the back of my van can I please put it down your toilet good god and or wheelie bin. Wow. And do you want this menu? Do you want to get a pizza tonight?

Get a free voucher on this. I'll buy you a pizza from that menu. Just got it. Just scrape. Just, can you see? I got a menu. I got a pizza menu through our post box the other day. And you know sometimes they're folded up. Weird. I opened it up right

do you know what inside no it's not a tiger I don't care I saw a tiger great tiger saw me oh god

oh please please let us go back to normal I can't deal with this shite anymore thank you once again for listening we absolutely love you guys and we hope you're all okay genuinely it's a bit of a mess I can't deal with this shite anymore. Thank you once again for listening. We absolutely love you guys.

We hope you're all okay, genuinely. It's a bit of a mess, but we'll get through it. It is. It's taken its toll mentally, as you can probably tell, by the tangents that have arrived during this podcast. I'm slightly squiffy now as well. I'm quite drunk now. I'm going to be deadly honest with you now. If you want to get in touch, please, please, please use the time to get in touch.

It's Shagmary Noise what did you say that what I saw a tiger fucking hell the tiger saw a man

that's really I got you you fucking dick I got you you looked out the window guys you looked out the window and everything that's really upsetting

that's really upsetting I wish I hadn't invented hadn't seen you next week guys bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7 30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.