Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 60. Zoom Pole

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

This week on the podcast Chris shares his new hobby, Rosie gets annoyed by Chris' weight loss and the pair go down memory lane with some kids TV. The Foot Stool guy re-surfaces, there is some questionable Easter egg based behaviour plus some more Tiger Trapping tales. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Right. That's that out of the way. Fake sponsor out of the way. Time for the real sponsor. Let's do this. Chris, that is that out of the way. Fake sponsor out of the way. Time for the real sponsor. Let's do this.

Chris, that is the real sponsor now. Rosie, you are wasting everyone's time with these fake sponsors. Honestly, it's childish and it's pathetic and it's not bringing any money in and I don't know how you dare. Great, right, okay. You keep thinking that. That's amazing. Based on our time.

This next sponsor is going to be furious about all that. How are you then? The thing you just did. How are you then? This week's lucrative sponsor is screaming into a pillow. Screaming into a pillow.

Hey, are you a little bit under pressure with being locked in the house forever? Yeah. Get yourself a little pillow,

have a little scream in it. We have been doing that. We have, because guess, hey, real screaming's too loud. Get a pillow. Don't want to scare the kids.

Scream silencer. Do you want, should we? Do it now. Should we do it now? Yeah, let's do it now. Go for it. Hang on. Any pillow in particular?

I'll tell you what pillow I want. I want that one with that fucking annoying fish on it. Get me that pillow with that fish. That's nice. That's a nice way to talk about my decorative artwork. P.S. By the way, newsflash. Don't like that fish pillow. That's the first time I'm telling you. Go. You're. P.S. By the way, newsflash, don't like that fish pillow.

That's the first time I'm telling you. Graham, you're in it. Arrogant little bugger. So is that fish. Face on him. Okay. He's very attractive. No, he's not an attractive fish.

A bit weird that you fancy fish. Let me just put this back on. It's time for Screaming Into A Pillow. Hey, Rosie can't get her headphones back on. There we go. All right, let's go. Let's do this. It's time for Screaming Into A Pillow. Three, Rosie can't get her headphones back on. There we go. Right, let's do this. It's time for screaming into a pillow.

Three, two, one. Woo! Wow. I feel fantastic. Oh, hey, I tell you what. It's a whole new world. It is good, that. Robin's in bed. Got to just get that scream out of the way.

Yeah, but you can do it anyway. Go into another room, throw your head into the sofa or a bed. Mattresses are good. Mattresses are very good at quashing the sound. If you can fill a mattress with a scream, then jump on the mattress, you hear a little bit of scream come out later. Is that true? Nope. Imagine you believed that.

Hey, stranger things have happened. Did a little bit of you believe that? Bit of us thought do you know have you ever recorded a video or what was it what was it

what was it I used to use when I used to record stuff and then when I opened it the next oh baby monitors

yes baby monitors if you've turned a baby monitor off mid your baby screaming right if you've got to settle them and you turn it off when you turn that on the next night a little bit of scream comes out and it's terrifying yeah i had a bit in me stand up about that when it happened yeah it stores a bit of the scream for the next night it's awful and it's like the baby's been screaming the night

before like the morning when you've turned it off the baby's been crying in the morning so you've turned it off and then you put it to bed that night and you get it all settled you turn it on and for a second you imagine the baby's lying there and it just went and then just for one like half a second yeah fair enough

okay I'll give you that so you never know mattresses it doesn't do the same thing might store a little bit of scream totally different but there we go great

here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back, you lucky, lucky listeners, because you just missed out on Chris's clearing his throat five in a row cough. Yeah, there we go. Which i had to listen to unfortunately i'll be honest with you screaming into a pillow really does it really it really hurts the throat it really does it actually does but it's good for you i've been doing a lot of exercise recently as well so i'm i'm loosening up any kind of um phlegm there's that word for you uh that's on my throat so there you go are you where have you just put lipstick on for a podcast yeah i've got really dry lips at the minute. Vaseline.

No, not as good. You don't have to put bright red whore paint on. Wow. Oh my gosh. Sorry. Sorry, 1930s husband. Hey, listen. What?

You're trying to have sex with this microphone? You're trying to have sex with people's ears? What do you think this is? No one's impressed it's for me what's that what's that thing oh no

stop doing that no one likes that Vaseline is not a good lip protector because it's it's it doesn't moisturize it just

it's just like a layer right there's a word there is words for it but like I said we're nearly at the end of the book so you've used up all your words

I've used up all my words once the book's finished you're not going to recognise me on this podcast I'm going to be like a thesaurus which you nearly didn't get the word for oh hey hey guys it's episode 60 no way

episode 60 thank you all so much for listening as always please continue to like rate and subscribe and you know all of that stuff on all your little podcast shops we hope you're all doing well we hope you're all safe

and well and healthy yeah I've been I hope you've all been doing your exercise maybe in fact I don't hope you've been doing it don't

listen I hope you've been doing whatever you want basically all I want to do is I want to show off because I'm I'm a bike guy now oh for god's sake I'm a cycler and I've got to say to you right now if you are listening to this now and you are a cycler in the south shields area and you are out cycling and you cycle past

me and you don't do the cyclers nod we've got fucking beef yeah we've got what's the cyclers nod you're not you know you're a cyclist i'm a cyclist it nod. Just look at the other cyclist. You nod. It's a nod. You go, are you a cyclist? They go, I'm a cyclist. It's quite dangerous, that. How? Well, you should be watching the road. How fucking fast do you think I'm going? I'm just like, you just look at them. You'll be going faster than you think, you know. You'll be doing at least 12 miles an hour.

Do you know what I'm going to do on my next bike ride? I'm going to find one of them things that tells you, oh, there's one on Ashley Road. I'm going to find the thing. I'm going to go to Ashley Road where the thing tells you what your speed is and I'm going to sail faster and go down it. Oh, I'm excited excited I've been getting back into running

yes and there's a runner's wave did you know that no so there's a cyclist nod there's a runner's wave right it's very

it's just it's kind of just you know the torso yeah it's like there and you just kind of flick your wrist up just a little wave

like the impulse spice advert back in the day where they wouldn't lift their arms up. Bit like that. They kept their armpits down. It's a bit like that. That is, that advert, for some reason,

is a reference in my life a lot more than it should be. It was a bloody good advert, that's why. We know Impulse. The deodorant. Yeah, the deodorant. And then they brought out Impulse Spice when it was the Spice Girls one. And it was everyone dancing to Spice Girls

and they just had their elbows basically locked in their headphones. Chris Akin is, I killed a lot of the Ozonlia with impulse spice. It's come back apparently, by the way. What? Ozonlia has grown back. No, not the Spice Girls, but they did come back. Ozonlia has grown back. Well, of course it has. Of course it has because nobody's doing anything. I think it was before this,

but I think before. Oh, was it? Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that's a sort of thing. Now and then I see a little, I see sometimes I'll go through Instagram or whatever and Ladbible or i'll post a positive thing it'll be like hey guess what this dog lived or whatever and i go oh great and then i close my phone off for the i go i've i'm i'm cashing out like do you know what i mean like i'm cashing out on the positivity because i know after that you know three things after that it's going to be piers morgan shouting at someone upsetting us so yeah it's um i like good news i do like good it's not much of it at the minute it's going to be Piers Morgan shouting at someone upsetting us so yeah I like good news

I do like good news there's not much of it at the minute it's all a bit doom and gloom if I'm honest you haven't been watching the news anymore no I don't watch it

I get it now I do understand I know I was a bit annoyed with it last week but I do get it it's very depressing and it's a lot of people just talking the same shite

and I'm sick of seeing people sitting in front of the bookshelves thinking the men in the house I'll tell of seeing people sitting in front of the bookshelves thinking they're minting the house. I'll tell you what, while we're here, can we get every journalist that is asking questions

at the five o'clock thing that's on the five o'clock conference, can we get them some better Wi-Fi? I know. I've none now, like it. Make sure your connection's sorted before you go on live national television. Unbelievable.

It's ridiculous. I bet you they've got kids in the other room playing on Call of Duty in that war zone. It's kicking off and the bandwidth's dropping. They should really make sure that nobody else in the house

is using the Wi-Fi. Possibly even just give a little courteous knock to your next door neighbours and just say, look guys, you know,

if you don't mind, I'm going to be on the news for 10 minutes. Can you just not use any Wi-Fi? Does broadband work like that? I don't know. Like a well that all the local like that i don't know but like a well that all the local people i don't know i'm not saying i'm not saying i don't know you might

have a point here i don't know if you know if you're watching hd porn does your neighbors you know does your neighbor sky sky plus turned up slow down well i i somebody told me this is years ago right someone told me that when you're on a wi-fi if somebody comes along with a more powerful mac or phone or something they will steal the wi-fi off you so you'll not have as good a connection but it is no it is true i don't know if that's true or not but i love the idea that you upgrade your phone just so you can beat your like brother or sister a partner at wi-fi i think it's just something that takes more. Your phone is our router's favourite. Our router absolutely bums your phone because the minute I can be in the other room doing...

I've been on video calls. So it does happen. I've been on video calls and I hear you playing a fucking TikTok and my whole computer almost shuts down. So it does happen. Yeah, but mine's a Mac. Mine's a MacBook Pro.

Your shitty little phone shouldn't be beating it. How bloody have you know that that phone has been through, that's seen a lot, that phone. I'm not saying the government are doing this, right,

but it would be quite sneaky, quite Donald Trumpy if when a journalist on that, on the video calls, asks a question that they don't like, they just like mute them and go,

oh no, we've lost you. Next question. Mate, I can guarantee that they do that. Imagine that's mute. Oh, next question. Oh, next, oh, what time is it?

Oh, we're finished. Bye. It's always interesting when I chat to people like you, Chris, who still have some element of trust in the government. I always love having a conversation with people who are... I love having a conversation with people who watch the news and go, believe everything they said there. Because I do not.

You don't believe it. I don't believe anything anyone says, to be perfectly honest with you. Rosie, what a lonely way to live. Don't care. No? Don't care. I'm good.

Honestly, I don't trust any of them as far as I could throw them and I couldn't throw them very far. Is your massive lack of trust in humanity and people due to the fact that I have been tiger trapping you all week? Possibly. God, there we go. I've been getting tiger trapped on Twitter.

Oh my God, the guy who did it on Twitter. Massive shout out to the person who did it on Twitter. I don't know what his name was, but it was amazing. So Rosie posted a video. He was very clever because he knows you get annoyed. He must listen to the podcast and know you get a little annoying trolls now and then. Mate, you know who you are. I sent you loads of clapping hands.

Basically, if he didn't see it, Rosie put a video out of us. I think it was your French TikTok thing. Yeah. One of our numerous fucking TikToks. Love TikTok. Every five minutes. Lovely to listen to in another room when you're trying to write a book.

She put that out and the guy was like, did anyone spot that? That shouldn't be online. And then someone was like, what have you spotted? He's like, oh, it must be only me. I'd spotted it. Have you not seen it?

And everyone was like, what have you seen? And he just wrote, that's so tag. And he had was like, what have you spotted? He's like, oh, it must be only me that spotted it. Have you seen it? I'd seen it. And everyone was like, what have you seen? And he just wrote, I saw a tiger. And he had me like, I was like ready. You were ready to block them. Yeah, you were ready to block them. And I was ready to just be like, oh, what is it? Fucking hell, the world's falling apart.

What have you spotted that you're slightly annoyed by? But yeah, it was very well done. It was very good. Absolutely. He tiger trapped the tiger trapper. He did tiger trap the tiger trapper. I'm going to pass on the mantle to him. He is now the master. tiger trapped the tiger trapper. He did tiger trap the tiger trapper. Pass on the mantle, him. He is now the master.

He's the tiger trapper. His name is Dean McMacken. McMacken. McMacken. He's got that Scottish name generator online. He might just be Scottish. McMacken. Dean McMacken.

Dean McMacken. Dean, you absolutely smashed it, mate. It was fantastic. Also, just after we did that, big shout out to our producer, Daisy, who does the podcast, right? She edits all of this stuff. She cuts out all of us clearing our throats and things

so you guys don't have to hear it. When she sent back the edit of the podcast before it went live and said that she enjoyed it, I phoned her up really harshly, to be fair. I took advantage of the fact that she'd just edited the podcast and you know she was like is it okay and I phoned her up and I said I've just been on the Spotify page for our podcast

and I do, I'm really worried about what I've just saw and she went oh what did you see and I went I saw it! And she started shouting and swearing at us and laughing her head off, she was laughing but she was shouting and swearing and then I talked to her for like three minutes and turned out she was in the queue for Asda Oh no! But she was shouting and swearing at us and laughing her head off. She was laughing, but she was shouting and swearing. And then I talked to her for like three minutes and turned out she was in the queue for Asda. Oh, no.

But she was shouting. I annoyed her that much. She was shouting and swearing. She was like, I'm just in the queue for Asda. Just not giving a shit. Don't blame her. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Is it worth asking what you've been up to?

Oh, fuck all. Fuck all? Absolutely nothing. Nothing? Well, nothing and everything. Nothing and everything. Well, because nothing, because we can't leave the house. Yeah.

And we've got Robin. Yeah. But everything, because we are still working. We're still doing this. Yeah. We're still writing the book. Yeah. Still doing other little bits of stuff.

So nothing and everything. Nothing and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Tell you what I've been up to. I have been getting our son addicted to computer games. You have, which is very upsetting, but at the same time,

I'm buzzing because it gets him out my way. You are getting so much free time. I know. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. But then at the same, on the other flip side,

I don't want my four-year-old addicted to computer games, which he's becoming. I mean, it is literally the first thing he mentions when he wakes up. Yeah. And the last thing he talks about when he goes to bed. Yeah, he opens his eyes and starts talking about luigi's mansion yeah so yeah

but he's you know it's exciting for him he doesn't play on it play on it he watches me and tells me what to do and then sort of you know we'll play mario kart together and he does the steering and everything it's a bit like a story though isn't it because you go through and yeah this is what i'm telling myself it's a story and we do different things and you know it's puzzle solving and I ask them how to count stuff and I always get them to look out for things. It's very much my version of homeschooling. Just turning on Mario.

I am the teacher who would just wheel in the TV and let you watch Geordie Racer. What was that? What was Geordie Racer? Was that with the catch a pigeon? Catch the pigeon? Whoa. Whoa, whoa. I do a podcast. I am married to

someone who doesn't know what Geordie Racer was. Is it Catch the Pigeon? No. But what's Geordie Racer? Geordie Racer. The bloke called Spuggy. The lad called Spuggy. From Back at Grove? No. Spuggy was Geordie Racer. I have no idea what you're talking about i am going to vomit

everywhere what's jordy racer what jordy racer you're a jordy right this is i feel sick chris i've never heard of it i'm going on google i'm gonna get a full because all it's like it's like that thing of like it's like trying to explain water to someone i can't explain it i just have to get jordy i've never i swear to you i've never heard of this in my entire life now if you watch jordy racer at school at school god i went to a lot better school than you though i beg your mate tell me where your two primary schools are now i'll tell you where they are in the bin because they got knocked down both of them did i was just talking about your primary schools got knocked down yeah how. How shite was it?

My infant school got flattened. And then, yeah, me junior school got flattened. And your junior school got flattened? Hey, what can I say? Look, once they'd had me, they just like, what's the point? Oh, really? Once I left, they went, well, it's never going to get better than that. He was awesome.

Great. He just flattened them. Great. Yeah, so it was look and read on BBC. Let's have a look. Flying free, flying high. So it was Look and Read on BBC. Let us have a look. It sounds and looks. He had pigeons. He did have pigeons. That's why he was Geordie Racer Geordie Racer It sounds and looks horrific. He had pigeons. He did have pigeons. That's why he was Geordie Racer. He raced pigeons.

Oh, so it's got nothing to do with cars? No, it was a pigeon. Chris, I've never heard of it. I'm really sorry. It was a kid called Spuggy. I feel sick. I can't believe this. Sorry about that. Sorry, everybody. I've never heard of that before. Geordie Racer is an educational BBC look and read production which was first aired on BBC Two from January 12th to March 22nd, 1988.

The story was set in Newcastle-upon-Tyne in the surrounding area and featured pigeon racers and runners competing in the Great North Run. 88? We were born in 86? Well, yeah, but they kept it. It was that good. They kept it and knocked it out for years. Just used it over and over again in your run down school.

Honestly. I tell you what, Robin's been watching at nursery. Yeah. When he used to go to nursery. Oh, I remember nursery. Do you remember nursery? Remember school? Button Moon.

Button Moon? Button Moon. He was singing. I don't know if I've told you this. I caught him a few weeks ago singing Button Moon. Caught him? No. Are you singing button moon again

sorry man there will be no joyous singing in this house i'll have you know um he was playing and he was singing button moon button moon and i'll follow mr spoon i was like button moon that was old when i was a kid so where they're getting that from? It is nursery. I've got no idea. What's Button Moon? Oh my lord. You don't know what Button Moon is. You've never seen Button Moon. Right, I've got it here.

I've got it here. Look. Button Moon with Mr. Spoon. Look, I'll say more things that rhyme. That's not going to prove your point.

Button Moon with Mr. Spoon this afternoon. Damn the tune. Jesus. Right, here we go. After Bud Moon

we'll follow Mr Spoon Bud Moon Bud Moon We're after Bud Moon We'll follow Mr Spoon There's Mrs Spoon We're off to the moon Shining a blanket sky And they're just there, look There's Mrs Spoon Hello, Mrs Spoon

She's looking out of the window Jesus Christ It was great Great It was that good I had it on video, actually Wow Wow So Robin's been watching that at nursery

Right, okay It'll get flattened His crew will probably get flattened next year he's a Ramsey once they've had a Ramsey they've got to go once they've had a Ramsey they've got to go slamsy get the wrecking ball in and flatten them

just while we're here I want to say a massive thank you to everyone for sending us your tweets, Instagrams all of that stuff to all of the key workers out there doing such an amazing job thank you thank you so much to all of us who are at home trying to do our part as well yeah we get a lot of tweets and stuff from people who say they're working in hospitals and they're going to work still during all this and i say that they listen

to this uh on the way back and on the way then it's genuinely humbling and we hope that we are helping just sort of, you know, ease the strain a little bit. Hopefully. Tiny, tiny little. Doing our tiny little part from our kitchen with our headphones on. Nice that you burped in the middle of that. Really.

I suppressed that burp. Really nice. Didn't work. Didn't work. Well, it still came. It's time for What's Your Beef? Fucking hell. That's what you were doing with your laptop,

getting a sound effect for a phone. Right, so I've got to answer. Hello? Hello, is that Mr. Christopher Ramsey, darling? Yes. Hello, Christopher, you don't know me. My name is Bruce, Bruce Beef. Oh, God.

I heard your little radio show last week. What podcast? A little radio show. And my wife, my ex-wife, sorry, Belinda. Shut up, man. You were going... Was on the phone. You were going out with...

You were married to Belinda? Yes, I was married to Belinda for a lot of years. Oh, but you sound very posh. You're either a very posh man or you're lot of years. But you sound very posh. You're either a very posh man or you're some kind of con man pretending to be posh. Well, actually, Christopher, I'm from a long line of gentlemen and I'm a very successful businessman.

No ladies? So there's just all gentlemen? How did that work? Just gentlemen. The ladies come and go. It doesn't really matter. Cloning each other like Russian dolls. Usually that's how it's done.

Fantastic. But I'm a very successful businessman on the south coast of England. Right. So not in the city, on the south coast. Just along the south coast. What, like Worthing and that? Yeah. Why the south coast?

Brighton and Worthing and... All of those places, yeah. I've got very, very successful businesses going on there. Yeah, very, very successful. Newsmans, Piers? No, Catteries. Oh, hold on, because you had sex with cats. That's the joke.

That's what I was calling for. Cat shagger. It's the cat well that's that's what i was calling that's the cat shagger that's who you are listen oh just just a minute i just was calling just to let you know that that never happened it never happened belinda is she's a vile disgusting woman and she's trying to put me through the ringer christopher she's been doing it for years and it never happened. No! And I just wanted to call and let you know that my cattery business is fantastic and I do not fornicate in sexual activities with the cats. Great.

Never. Okay. I will never do that. Okay. Got a very successful business. Okay. I just wanted to let you know. Oh, man.

Jesus. Anyway, I've got to go. Good. I'm so busy. Okay. I just wanted to let you know. Jesus. Anyway, I've got to go. Good. So busy. Yeah. I'll be right there, Rosie. Thank you. Have a lovely day.

Bye. Goodbye now. Oh, God. Right? He sounds very successful. Don't come back and comment on your own bollocks, right? At the end of the sponsor, do you hear me going, isn't that great?

I do it and I move on. Christ alive. Can he believe he owns Cattery's? It's almost too simple of a narrative that you've created. That he owns catteries and then but he had sex with cats

well I'll let you know that that that idea woke me up at four o'clock in the morning when I wrote that in before

that is tragic that is tragic oh Jesus so yeah let's she eats

sleeps and breathes the beefs. Fucking loser. Right, what's your beef? My first? Yes, you are first. My beef with you this week, Christopher,

is that during this pandemic lockdown, shit show of a life that we are currently living, you, my darling husband, you've lost half a stone it's because I'm a bike guy I'm absolutely livid it's because I'm a cycle guy how

but you haven't been doing that much how have you lost half a stone don't know I literally the other day the scales are in the bathroom I never get on them last time I got on them

was a month a month and a bit ago and I was 12 and a half stone I brought them scales out of hibernation because they've been in the cupboard

for like over a year because I never go on them. I brought them out because I thought you know what I might be at the point where I need to get on them because like

I'm going to have to get rolled down that driveway soon and you have lost half a stone. Yeah. I just got on this I was just over 12 and a half stone

last time I went on them which was about a month and a bit ago and I got on the other day and I was like oh I've lost half a stone yeah i just got i was just over 12 and a half stone last time i went on them which was about a month and a bit ago and i got on the idea and i was like oh i've lost half a stone what were you what are you now 12 stone 12 stone yeah i was just over 12 so depressing oh yeah i don't know how i've done it i've been drinking uh like someone with a problem um i've been eating i mean do you know what i haven't been eating out because there's no way to eat out and i haven't been getting that many takeaways we've been making nice food yeah we've been getting a takeaway now and then you know i mean you can do the whole contactless takeaway thing that's still cool and everyone's still doing it um i think we've only

had since this whole thing happened we've only had one curry and i've had one dominoes i was on at least a dominoes and a curry a week. You eat a lot of takeaway. I'm always eating sandwiches from train station things. You know, yeah. And also, probably, mainly, bike guy. Bike guy, no. Bike guy. There's not even a bike nod.

It's just them going past, nodding, going, you're looking good. Lost half a stone, have you, Ramsey? I go, aye-aye. Nod, nod, nod. Don't think that's what the nod is. It's all the nodding. My neck muscles are massive. I'm just nod Lost half a stone, have you, Ramsey? I go, aye aye. Nod, nod, nod. Don't think that's what the nod is. It's all the nodding. My neck muscles are massive

off just nodding at everyone. What I'm looking forward to the most is you buying all of the shit equipment to go with your bike and then doing it for another month or so and getting bored of it again

and doing something else. Everyone wants other stuff to do when things are open again. I'm going to burn my bike in the garden. Yeah, that'd be right. I could come out on, I have got a bike as well

and I would like to come out with you. I don't like it. I don't like going out with you on a bike. You're scared of roads. It's weird. Yeah, but there's not

many people on the roads now. It's like going out with a dog for its first walk. You're a lot like a dog in many ways. Many ways. First of all, when the,

which is a great sentence to say to your wife. When I put the hoover on, you like run away like a dog. I hate the hoover. And then when I take you out on your bike, you are like a dog

that's been out on his first walk that's scared of cars and traffic. I am genuinely really scared of traffic. Yeah. I think I've got vertigo. That's not, that's not. No, I don't like being not,

I don't like having to balance and not being in control. I can't run down a hill. Like a bear. That's how they say it. If a bear's chasing you, run downhill. Because the front legs are shorter than the back legs and they can't run downhill.

They fall over. So you're like a dog and a bear. I just don't like running. I can't run down a hill. I'd have to go on my bum Jesus What's happening Oh god

It's a true story Don't like running down hills Maybe I was a bear once Or a dog I love salmon Oh fuck me Oh god You're like a soundbite machine today This is amazing I love salmon. Oh, fuck me. Oh, God. You're like a soundbite machine today.

This is amazing. Good God. Good God. What's your beef with me then? My beef with you this week, and it's happened a few times, but I'm noticing it more now. You are female.

The last time I checked, yes. Female bear. No, you are a female human and you have a bleed once a month. You do that. Periods, Chris. You can say the word. I have a period. Yeah, you do that. I have quite a lot of them.

I know you're not doing it deliberately, but you have to stop it. I know what you're going to say. You are leaving used tampons on the toilet cistern and it's starting to really upset us. Right. Really upset us. Please clarify this for our dear listeners.

Right, the used tampon is wrapped in masses of toilet roll. Cool, great. It's not just a used tampon on top of the toilet. Still a used tampon on top of the toilet. Right. No matter how much toilet roll you put on it, it's not, oh, here's your Christmas present, Rosie. Oh, it's a piece of shit,

but I wrapped it up in loads of toilet roll, so it's not a piece of shit. Okay. It's still a piece of shit. I get that it's a bit annoying, but when you're on your period, you go through quite a lot of tampons, especially if you're having a heavy day, right?

Great. So what happens is, you take it out, I wrap it in the toilet roll, I put it on top of the toilet, and then I sort myself out and I wash my hands sometimes

I forget to pick it up I would argue all the times or most of the times no it's not all the time only amount of time before the burn comes running in when they're swinging it around

sticking it to the wall it's going to be a nightmare that would that would probably not come off especially if it was a clotty one stop stop happens quite a lot well I'm sorry I am sorry about that That would probably not come off. Especially if it was a clock. Stop! Stop!

Stop! Happens quite a lot. Monkey. Well, I am sorry about that. But you can't see it. It's wrapped up. Right, okay. You know what a real man would do?

What? Pick it up and put it in the bin and go, darling. You know what I should do? You little dog, you little bear. I should come get you and rub your nose in it. No! Bad girl! Leave him that there no that's a naughty stop that's awful chris my sister had to do that with her rabbit when she was house training her

rabbit no such thing you can't house train a rabbit it's bollocks he was absolutely lived in the house he was fully house trained you never met was fully house trained. You never met him. Fully house trained? Fully house trained. How was he fully house trained? He used to wee in the little tree and everything. Bollocks. I swear. There is no way.

In her flat before she had the beans on Morby Road. Right. She had Gus who lived in the house. I swear. I'm Googling now. Can you house train a rabbit? Yeah. You've got to put the nose in the way

you can never trust what google says anyway it actually says it says yes you can litter train your bunny yeah by spaying or neutering but spaying or neutering has to come first it's almost impossible to litter train an unspayed or unneutered rabbit yeah uh wow yeah okay I... Yeah. He lived in the house. I stand corrected. He was extremely cuddly. Yeah. He was a lovely little rabbit.

Yeah. Gus. He enjoyed his company. You've often wanted a rabbit and stuff. I just always think that they're trying to escape. I just feel like anything smaller than a dog or a cat, you can't really bond with it. It's just like...

It's like a hostage. No, it depends what kind you get. Right. If you get like... We had a wild one once called Jinxy and she hated us. She just hated the whole family. She did not want to be there.

I had a hamster once and it was just like, who are you? Why am I here? And it was just constantly trying to scare me. Yeah, I get that. Jinxy was like that. Jinxy looked,

Jinxy was vile. She was really nasty and I never bonded with that rabbit. I loved her because she was mine, but I was just like nah Kate Kate had one called Toffee who was lovely

really wanted to be there our Kevin got Snowy who was albino with big red eyes and only had one ear oh no no but she was lovely actually

and I really liked having rabbits I would get a rabbit well I did think that I was just trying to escape but then before this happened I went to my cousin's house

and she's got two guinea pigs. And she was like, I'll get the guinea pigs out and sit and stroke. And I was like, you've got to hold them down. I lay down, it sat on my stomach, just sat there like guinea pigs doing this mad purring noise. Well, they scream a lot, guinea pigs. I'm not a big fan. They didn't scream, like...

Yeah. But it did stay. I'd consider something like that. I mean, I'd rather get like that. I'd rather get a dog. I'd rather wait. Hold it. Listen. Hold out.

One day we'll get a dog. You've said it on the podcast now. You've said it. When I'm like... Everyone, everyone, I want you to tweet Rosie constantly telling her she needs to get us a dog. When I'm 80,

we'll get a dog. But you're... How long do bears live? Might not last that long. You're not going to believe this. What? Do you know last week, furniture man,

stool man. All right. Remember? Story about the man who wanted to be stool. Oh, yeah. I got a message on Instagram listening to this. Hi, Rosie. I've just listened to this week's podcast. Around five, six years ago,

before I met my husband, I dated a guy that you could describe as a work of art. I'm guessing, like, an attractive guy. Oh, nice. He was stunning. And he also liked to be treated as a piece of furniture. This is mine and my friend's favourite story that we like to bring up. I wonder if it was the same guy.

Shut up, man. I messaged her back saying, oh, my God, it must be amazing. And she put back, sometimes he'd ask me to sit fully clothed on his face, Shut up, man. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What could possibly be lovely about sitting on a human face for a full box set? Well, apparently he just loved it. What, he had a company? Yeah, but how was she enjoying that?

Where's she sitting? On his face. Yes, but that, I mean, for me... On his ear. He probably burst his eardrum. Not on his ear. It wouldn't be on his ear. It must be on his face face. Like on his nose.

Yeah, she didn't say head. She said face. No, nose on his head. On his head. How could she find that lovely? What, is she a cat? Why is she wanting to sit on someone's face? He has to do.

So weird. Full boxer. That's a lot. That's ours. God, American boxer as well. Some of them go 24 episodes in. Whoa. It's time for questions from the public.

From the public. Public. Public. Public. Take it back now, y'all. Take it back now, y'all. One hop this time. That's enough. One hop this time. Work to do. Reverse public, public, public, public. Take it back now, y'all. Take it back now, y'all. One hop this time. That's enough.

That's enough. One hop this time. Work to do. Reverse, reverse. Oh, Jesus. Reverse, reverse. As always, thank you so much for sending all your messages. If you want to get in touch, it is shagmarionoid at gmail.com.

Send us everything. Send us your stories. Send us your office polls, your home office polls, your Zoom polls. No one's at work, Chris. Zoom polls. Get the Zoom polls on the go. A lot of it. Oh, Zoom polls sounds like some kind of exercise equipment. What would you exercise for? poles your zoom poles zoom poles get the zoom poles on the go a lot of it oh zoom zoom pole

sounds like um some kind of exercise equipment what what would you exercise i don't know it's you know the shopping channel thing or you know when you turn the telly on too early and they're like advertising new bullets and that zoom pole sounds like something that would have brand new zoom hi i'm dave rogers the inventor of the zoom pole i used to be 400 stone. Now I'm four stone. Zoom poll. Every time I hear Zoom, someone's like trying to do Zoom, all I can sing is,

Zoom, you gave the day away. Oh, Zoom. Is that the words? No. Good. You mentioned the Great North Run. Yeah. If anybody doesn't you mentioned the Great North Run yeah if anybody doesn't know

the Great North Run is a run that happens I'm sure we've talked about before yeah half marathon yeah starts in Newcastle

ends in South Shield our town our town our town home our town home it is our town home where we live life

what did I say hometown oh my word hometown oh this why are you listening to this this is painful i'm so sorry don't say that like what heavens above love love that podcast that chag marinoid where that that the lesson on it can't speak great um got this from somebody which i think you'll enjoy this because it's a good fact well done for keeping us cheered up at this weird time. Thank you so much. I'm probably not your average listener because I'm 61 and missing my grandkids like mad.

Oh, bless you. Bless you. And just to let you know, there's no age limit for this podcast. Yeah, there's no age limit at all. We're like that Lego box that goes viral that says 1 to 99. That's like us. That's us. But that's not inclusive of the 100

year olds if you're 100 you can fuck off and if you are newborn turn this off now you are not ready for this shit get it off fuck off you little shit

I'm 61 and missing my grandkids like mad mind you there's no random fingerprints all over the windows and I have snacks in the cupboards. Get in. So every cloud. So let's look at the positives. I've recommended your podcast far and wide, so expect the royalty check any day.

We've all liked, subscribed and shared. Thank you so much. Fantastic, thank you. I live at Dipton and worked at Shields Council in Hebbanoffis. Where the hell's Dipton? Dipton is Newcastle, I think. Why does it sound almost sort of fairytale-like? Dipton.

Dipton. I don't think it is, Chris. I think it's... Is it Dipton Mill? Hang on, I'm Googling it. It's in County Durham. Okay. It's nowhere near where we said.

Great. Looks quite nice. Okay. Oh, it's near Burnham Field where our friends live. Ah, yes. Vicky and Lee. Okay. It's nowhere near where we said. Great. Looks quite nice. Okay. Oh, it's near Burnham Field where our friends live. Ah, yes. Vicky and Lee. Okay, right, so I live in Dibden and worked at Shields Council in Hebben Office.

One of my random jobs while there was arranging to have boarded windows reglazed so they look good on camera for the Great North Run. Then come Monday the boards went back up again. Oh, no way. Oh, for God's sake. Apparently so.

Wow. So along that Great North Run route, windows that were boarded up got glazed up for free and then put back. Wow. And then they take them out and board them back up.

Wow. Isn't that sad? You don't think of, you don't think of mad little jobs that people do like that do you I know council jobs yeah

apparently getting a job for the council is very difficult yeah they're very sought after jobs apparently I think they're all sort of favoured in

I think a lot of nepotism goes on is it like bin men yeah you wanna be a bin man you gotta know a bin man you know what I'm saying

or a bin lady yeah don't be sexist oh bin men are a good crack are they yeah nice blokes are they nice big shout out to the bin be sexist. Are bin men a good crack? Are they? Yeah, nice blokes. Are they nice? Big shout out to the bin men and women still doing bin men and women stuff while this is going on.

Yeah. Bit annoying that you're not doing the garden collection. I'll be honest with you. Why is that stopped? They've done a lot of garden. They've got their hands full, man. They've got loads to do. I'm a bit annoyed that the garden centres have shut.

Think of all the garden, the plants that are going to waste at the end. Why, guys? Because only old people go to garden centres. Excuse me? Well, and you. Come the summer months, I'm there waste at night. Well, I guess only old people go to garden centres. Excuse me? Well, and you. Come the summer months, I'm there every other week. Well, yeah. And you are.

Yeah. What are you bullshitting for? Well, I'm there because you want to go. Pinocchio. Rain yourself in, would you? We go to garden centres all the time. To be fair, like, you know what I'm addicted to in the garden centre? What?

I'm addicted to going and getting new attachments for my hose. See? You're always buying stuff there. I'm always getting new little bits. I miss it, mate. I want a pump. I want a pump that will make the hose more powerful so that the sprinkler,

so I can put multiple sprinkler attachments on. God, I'm boring myself. Oh, yeah. I nearly didn't finish that sentence. What have we become? I feel sick. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hirwe,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real It's not real Who said that? The First Omen In theatres Friday

Get tickets now Hi Chris and Rosie Hello Me and my mum both listen to the podcast separately And regular talk about it after Regularly talk about it after Last week my mum asked me Are Chris andie doing the podcast

pissed these days sometimes this confused me as i didn't notice any difference i replied i think they might have a drink whilst doing it however i don't think that they're pissed my mum proceeded to say well their last few episodes since lockdown they seem to be talking slower and slurring more turns out she'd be listening to your podcast on half speed making your voices sound all distorted Their last few episodes since lockdown, they seem to be talking slower and slurring more. Turns out she'd be listening to your podcast on half speed, making your voices sound all distorted. She just thought you were both pissed you were in quarantine. Wow.

Hope you're both well. That's from Jessica. Wow. That must have took her forever. She must be like, oh, they're doing three-hour podcasts now. Good heavens. That's great. I was worried there.

I was like, oh, God, they've spotted me. One for you. Hi, Chris and Rosie. My question is mainly for Chris, as I don't imagine Rosie has a penis. Not yet, but I'm working on it. Yeah, it's coming on fine. Yeah.

It's a canny little thing. I'm watering it. A little nubbing at the minute. Every other day. So rant. Chris, when you have a wee at a urinal do you get your balls out as well

as your penis or just the penis I've been asked this before have you yeah yeah have I done this one before no no a TV producer

I work with has asked this before well they've done a poll a poll was obviously yes the polls are back the polls are back the polls are back

the polls are back in town the polls are back in town it's actually it's actually it's a poll about a poll a poll about your poll the poll about the poll cool

a poll was obviously complete between me and the lads and colleagues at work results were pretty much 50-50 wow and that's Ryan

from Canterbury wow Rosie feel free to answer what you would do if you had a penis okay then well like I said Ryan it's well on its way so what you would do if you had a penis okay then well like right like i said ryan it's well on its way so what do you do i haven't got balls yet so okay

there's no need to get the balls out to have a way so i would just get the sometimes it feels like you know you're like you've half got you like you're half committing to the job you got so do you get yours out do i normally go balls out it also cools you down it also cools you down a little bit for the day great yeah i i think i do i think i would say 90 of the time i go balls out as well lovely so that's 50 50 so yeah yeah and it's actually going to be the title of a new autobiography 90 of the time i go balls out by chris ramsey is that is that the next book you're doing is it next autobiography yeah i it's funny you know because um my mom sent me a message yesterday yeah saying i've just bought the i newspaper yeah and it said the top 50 podcast comedy podcasts in the country we weren't on it right why and um oh sorry top 20

top 25 top 25 yeah we weren't on it and i. And I don't know if it's because we talk about whether you're wee with your balls out or not. Right, so you're saying to me that the independent newspaper, trying to call themselves the I now, wasn't the independent now, but the I, trying to be cool. So we can either be in their top 25 or we can talk about getting balls out at the urinal.

I will pick balls out at the urinal every single time we've been in someone's list. Plus, this might be under sex and education. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely not. It's definitely not. Like we said before, if you are 100, you get off. Get this out your ears

now. Get off. Not for you. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This story isn't talking about a friend in speech marks, meaning me. This is literally ao babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This story isn't talking about a friend in speech marks, meaning me. This is literally a former friend of mine. Ooh, former. It also happened years ago in my early 20s,

but I struggle to forget it as I am still wondering how it got to the stage where this particular thing was a thing. I mean, that's worded terribly, but I kind of get exactly what she means because every single question we get, I always wonder how is that thing a thing. Every story we get. I have no idea what you're talking about you will right let's call her clay clay messaged me one day looking for advice on her boyfriend's fetish asking me if it was normal oh god now normally i'm not one to judge as different strokes for different folks

literally yeah we are all unusual in the eyes of strangers, so I asked her to explain. She said he wanted her to dress up, but not in a PVC nurse outfit or a naughty schoolgirl from Ann Summers or anything like that, which is fairly common. She said that if... He said that if she was going to do it, she'd have to improvise the outfit or make it herself.

Right, okay. So... Like a Neil Buchanan. Right. He wanted her to look... is really really mad he wanted her to look like a half donkey half person like in that scene from pinocchio you know the one that traumatizes most kids for years yeah the terrifying scene the really scary one yeah and let's say at the critical moment of the intercourse, he wanted her to bray like a donkey as well.

No, nah, nah, nah. Yeah. Now I told her that this wasn't normal within the context of what I found normal and not long after she split up with him. Did I do the right thing? Plus I need you to help me work out a reason why he found that particular thing a turn on

because I can't get it out of my head since then. Can't stop thinking about it. Half donkey, half person. Half donkey half human. Well, right, well do you know in Lord of the Rings? Yes. I'm familiar with Lord of the Rings. Isn't the one

there's a bloke who's like half goat horse, half person. What are they called? What are you talking about? In mythical creature land, isn't there a thing? Sorry, you can't just say Lord of the Rings, meaning every...

Well, I think there's one in Lord of the Rings. Is there? Okay, well, here you go. James McAvoy. In Lion, Witch and the Mordor. In Lion, Witch and the Mordor. Yeah. Thought he was quite attractive in that.

Not gonna lie. So, I can get on board with it. It's like a mythical land thing where... Why is she getting to make it herself? That's the bit that I don't get. You know what I see? He says, you've got to make it yourself. You know what I see?

I see a girl with two bits of felt on a headband that she's put on and a fucking egg box on her nose. Yeah. But then what about the bottom? Well, I don't know. What half has to be a donkey? I'm not sure. Hoofs?

A couple of plastic hoofs? Maybe some plastic cups? Grey pair of trousers? Grey trousers, yeah. Some tongue-a-rays? Little tail? Yeah, well, people like strange things, Chris. We've learned that now from this.

We've done a full section of the book on strange sexual fantasies oh are we allowed to say that yeah we can say that a little taste of the book there we like for me it's you know when people go

like oh you know tell us your fantasy do you think I think a lot of people go to their partner or someone having sex

and they think tell us your fantasy come on tell us what you want and I reckon at least half people hear what they want

like what the what the person says and goes i wish i hadn't asked that do you know what i mean can you imagine going tells you fancy come on let's get creative tells you fancy i want you to go half dressed like a donkey like from pinocchio but i want you to meet yourself right can we forget that i thought you might just want to pull me here literally thought you might have wanted some handcuffs around the head or something like that or to pretend i was robbing the house or whatever the fuck people do not you know some kind of mr maker art attack don't bring don't bring mr maker into this because i have to watch mr maker all the time and he's very talented he is he's a brilliant guy it may be coming to a mention as well was also fantastic yeah uh

all right yeah I mean yeah I don't know how you get to that point I don't know how you there's got to be some sort of like trauma involved it's got to be maybe

his parents put on Pinocchio Loud for him and went and had sex in the other room while that scene was on oh Christopher they might have done it they might have done that

enough they might have done it every single time they done that. Enough. They might have done it every single time they had sex. They go through there and he watches that. Why's your dad put that on? Why's your dad put that on to let you go through and have sex there? He always makes us watch this while he's

having sex. That's the worst thing you've ever said. Comedy! Hi there. I hope you are both well. Thank you. We are.

Just catching up from the podcast number 53 on my daily dog walk during this rubbish time. Got you. Anyway, I thought this is a story that needs sharing. When I was younger, I met someone whilst out in a bar. He seemed quite decent. They always do at first. Did she say they all do at first or did you add that?

That was me. Got you. I added that. Okay, I couldn't tell. I was a trainee teacher at the time and he was in his late 30s and retired as he had sold his business for a hefty sum of money. Late 30s and retired? Yeah. Layabout? I know. It's the dream. Late 30s and retired yeah lay about i know oh it's the dream late 30s and retire do you think it's the dream i don't think that's the dream i mean define retired

like retired to me is pottering around in your garden well yeah well i mean i imagine he's just he's not retired he's just not worked like he's not gone i sold my business and now he's like you're catching water in the shops with one of them little things behind him you know the the nana bag the little strollers oh don't get me started on them me nana

only agreed to have one like two year ago she's class that's why because she was like I'm not carrying one of those old people carry us round yeah

but I imagine he's not I imagine he's not pottering about I imagine he's just not doing any work well no but well he's retired until he spent all I imagine he's just not doing any work. Well, no. Well, he's retired.

Until he's spent all his money. Well, listen to this. Anyway, great. Yeah. Anyway, he pursued me and eventually I agreed to go on a date with him to a restaurant, which he said, and I quote, does the best fish and chips ever.

Well, you know the problem, though? The problem's straight away. They had to go at four o'clock for the early bird special for the old folks. Exactly. He's retired. He got a pensioner special. He would get a pensioner special

um well done i'm originally from grimsby and i now live down south and so i was intrigued to see if my high fish and chips mushy peas expectations would be met why is it why is it people can just merely mention fish and chips and i want some yeah yeah yeah same same he picked me up from home for our lunch date and drove me to yeah dot dot dot dot dot morrison's he's a pensioner he is a pensioner oh wow i was quite gobsmacked however i'm not a materialistic person and I thought to myself that it was quite quirky wow we ate the fairly decent food in the cafe in Morrison's when he swiftly disappeared back to the counter just going to say the fish and chips in Morrison's actually

all right uh we discovered on one of the tours me and Carl friend of the podcast we discovered the Morrison's cafe and it changed the tour oh Morrison's cafe is one of the tours, me and Carl, friend of the podcast, we discovered the Morrison's Cafe and it changed the tour. Oh, Morrison's Cafe is one of the best. Because you can get like real food, like home cooked kind of food. The jacket potatoes are sublime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, this guy's retired in his early 30s because he sold his business for a substantial, because he's so rich.

You're retiring in your 30s because you're fucking stretching it out. That's what he's doing. Are you ready for the rest? Okay. Talking to Morrison's for the best fish and chips in town. Great. So he swiftly disappeared back at the counter. He returned with what I can conservatively estimate

20 sachets of tomato ketchup. He asked me to do the same as he told me he takes them home to save on buying ketchup. as he told me he takes them home to say if I'm buying ketchup. They always say that the millionaires are millionaires for a reason but that was ridiculous. Anyway, I carried on saying him

for a couple of months. This is what I don't understand with anyone out there. Look, I'm really sorry. I'm not slagging anyone off here. Look, if you're lonely, if you're desperate, I'm not victimising you here. But fuck it, we get so many emails where it's like,

and he met us and he took us on a date and he had human feces on his face and his knob and bollocks were hanging out for the full night and he murdered a dog in the street. And after six months of dating him, I thought, and you you go what are you doing man we kept on so he's a fucking chick he took it and look no disrespect to morrison's i've just said i like it but he took the morrison's on the first date come on there's a level and he made us

steal a load of fucking i know but i'm not being funny you've got to give people a chance have you not there's a level bollocks all right well I've dated some right rotters. And where I look back and think, what? This is women. Yeah, this is a woman thing. Women are a lot more mature, can think outside the box when it comes to stuff like this, and can see a long game and can give people the benefit of the doubt. Blokes are literally like, how was your date with that supermodel? Oh, she coughed once, the dirty slag.

I'll never see her again. Like, blokes are ridiculous. Yeah. Like Shallow Hal. Just watch Shallow Hal. It explains the whole lot. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo her again. Like, blokes are ridiculous. Yeah. Like Shallow Hal. Just watch Shallow Hal. It explains the whole lot. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Hope you're both keeping safe and sane. I wanted to write to you today about having the worst neighbours in the world and I don't say that lightly. Wow, okay. We used to have fence panels both sides but over the past few storms, they've all broken off

and we didn't have the money to replace them. So we just left the three-foot wall that stands there. Got you. The neighbours either side of me, 15 and 19, are both friends as they have kids in similar age groups. When the kids are in the garden, they are constantly shouting across my garden and screaming at each other's names,

even when I'm sat outside and the parents are there too. I even once caught both sides kids throwing stones, carrots and sticks into my garden and had to confront both the kids and parents as I have a small dog and I also think it's just very rude. It is very rude.

However, yesterday afternoon I caught number 15's boyfriend climb the wall into my garden to pass number 19 a bit of chicken for fuck's sake I've seen many times them throw things across my garden such as a broccoli and walkie-talkies for the kids when I've've been sat in the garden, they've flung them across my head. But to go inside someone's property is a step too far. With some chicken.

My boyfriend was too chicken to go and confront the guy and I just had got out of the shower so he was not about to run down there in my towel. My boyfriend has since seen them but not said anything as they were very boozy and thought it best not to. God, they sound awful i'm wondering how to handle this as i'm not a confrontational person but also don't take shit do i write them a letter do i knock on the door but obviously need to stay two meters apart

or do i wait for them to be in the garden again or do i just leave it uh i've got two answers do you want the real answer which actually should do or do you want what I would do as an eccentric maniac we would like the eccentric maniac no what do we want first

we want the real answer first and then we'll have Chris's eccentric maniac real answer wait till they do it again confront both say can you please look I don't want to be a pain

I know your kids you know know each other can you please stop throwing things over the top it's not I know your kids you know know each other can you please stop throwing things over the top it's not cool like is it I'd be livid mate you know you've got to approach it people are dicks

people don't want to be told what to do so you can't like be like excuse me and like dress them down even if you're nice about it they'll go in the house and go oh god did you hear her

because they seem to think that this behaviour is fine but it's not so just wait till they do it again try and be polite and kind and not horrible about it and just explain that you know the dog can chew on things and stuff and don't throw stuff over please yeah eccentric chris 20 foot high net on each wall like at the driving range

that's that's what i would actually do i've got a massive pole three massive poles with a huge net in between like 20 odd foot high on each side. Really fine mesh so they can't see it's obstructing sunlight or anything. Yeah. Or just a net fully over... No, not fully over your garden because then they'll climb on it. That would be very good. What about trees?

Would they take too long? Yeah, far too long. I've got an answer. I've got another answer. House swap. Yeah. Swap houses with one of them so they can be right next to each other. Yeah.

Yeah. There you go. There we go. I think we've solved it swap houses you're welcome you're welcome that's literally not a solution to anything but you're welcome anyway

you're welcome babadoo babadoo babadoo hello Chris and Rosie firstly I want to say thank you for making my weeks a whole lot better with the podcast you're welcome thank you

secondly can you tell my boyfriend Nicky that he's an absolute fucking nutcase wow I don't know if I am completely overreacting Thank you. Secondly, can you tell my boyfriend, Nicky, that he's an absolute fucking nutcase? Wow. I don't know if I am completely overreacting, but this really makes my blood boil. Okay. Whenever we go to a supermarket

and I say to him to get the spare bags out of the boot, he insists on rummaging around to find the correct bag for that supermarket. Ah, yes. He's not a nutter. I love him. Yeah. For example,

if we are shopping in Asda and he cannot find an Asda bag in the car, he throws a tantrum. If he doesn't find it, he will genuinely be upset for the rest of the shopping trip and claims it's like cheating on the shop. Absolutely, yes.

Nicky, you are not a nutcase. That is absolutely fantastic. I am fully on board with that. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Do you do that? Silently. I don't kick off about it. I don't make a scene of it,

but I have been doing that for some time now. It has to be an unbranded one, like some kind of special bag for life that I've got from something else, like a tote bag, or it has to be the one of the supermarket i feel really bad if this is so interesting right yeah i am the complete opposite really i what isn't this this is interesting yeah so you get people like yourself yeah who are scared to use other brands in the supermarket i'm not scared i

just want to be right i I deliberately take other supermarket bags and I'll pack my stuff and I'll think I'll go to the shop. Yeah. Yeah. There's other shops. You're not all that.

I can go anywhere. Is that why you've got a faded and gaffer taped up Waitrose bag that you clean onto that you take whenever you show off? Sometimes I like to take

the Waitrose bag because we haven't got one where we live. So if we ever get this delivered. I normally shop at Waitrose, but I'm here today slamming it with you scum. What is it? Lidl?

Lilo? Alday? Is it open Alday? Oh, is that why it's called Alday? Oh, that's so clever. Fantastic. I'm fully on board with him. Alday? Oh, that's so clever. Fantastic. I'm fully on board with him.

I do get a little bit annoyed. I do get a little bit annoyed if I haven't got the right one and that's fantastic. Good on him. Very clever.

Very well done. I keep posh carrier bags. You know this, don't you? Yeah. I keep really good. If I've been to an expensive shop, if I've bought clothes

or whatever, I keep the carrier bag for a good six years. I had a routine about this a while ago and it never flew. And I took it out of my show in one of the previews in the build up of the show

because I was like, like in the build up of the tour because it just wasn't going well enough. But I had this whole bit about how you organise and rank your carrier bags. Yeah, I agree. Like you've got a system of ranking up your carrier bags in your house

where your carrier bags are. And then you've got like, you know, carrier bags that'll just go scrumpled in. And then you've got carrier bags that you might fold up. Because they're posh like paper. Yeah, then you've got like the bag carrier bags that'll just go scrumpled in and then you've got carrier bags that you might fold up because they're posh like paper

yeah you've got like the bag for life ones you've got the ones with a good handle and then the routine ended with and sometimes there will be a bag

a carrier bag so amazing so incredibly monumental that you will use that to keep all your bags in to put your other carrier bags that's true yeah

you're talking about our system and it's a massive routine and it just people used to go yeah it's alright and I went okay I used to build it up like it was going to get a round of applause and it would get massive routine and it just people used to go yeah it's alright and I went okay I used to build it up

like it was going to get a round of applause and it would get like hardly anything well listen here use it on the podcast you've used it I've used it

it's on the podcast there we go and you can't hear if they're laughing or not well I'm assuming I'm going to have to take these headphones off they're laughing so loud

it's hurting it's hurting me ears I'm watching them laughing is that how you get through comedy is that is that what comics do to just

imagine that everyone's laughing it's good to know not really it's the opposite to be fair let in behind the curtain

you always focus on the person who isn't in the crowd there could be 6,000 people pissing themselves and one person

with their arms crossed and they're the only person you look at that's life innit yeah it's really annoying listen look at my life Sandra Rosie I swear

too much she's got me on edge. Yeah. Thinking that I'm just deafening blinding all the time. Yeah. And I don't. Yeah,

but she's a cunt. So. Chris, I never fucking swear. When was the last time you heard me drop an F? Sorry,

Sandra. I've got something here for you. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I binge watched Tiger King on Netflix And really enjoyed hearing how Chris was inspired And created the Tiger Trap game Yes I'm glad you did

Thank you I was also inspired by the show But chose to use it as a muse For some erotic fan fiction Having shared my shorts Sorry Yeah Sorry

What? They've written They've wrote some erotic fan fiction around the tiger king um having shared my short story with a few friends who loved it oh you can tell we're in lockdown i can i read you my short story erotic fan fiction from tiger king you can we're in lockdown I've got nothing else to do. I thought I would spread the joy and share this piece of clit-lit with you and the other smars.

Clit-lit. Clit. Clitoral literacy. Yeah, yeah, we get it, we get it, we get it. Hope you enjoy and look forward to hearing it on the podcast. And this is from Amy.

I Hasn't even asked to be No, no, she she loves it. I've been practicing my Carabascan voice. Good God. If you would like me to do the full thing

in Carabascan that is not a problem. I insist. Okay, let me just I just need to get I just need to get it right so it's like Hey all you cool cats and kittens

it's Carabascan here. Carabascan from Tiger King on Netflix and I did not kill my husband so this is Tiger King behind closed doors should have been called behind closed paws but carry on

that would have been a much better title but unfortunately we did not write this Midnight the time when feline eyes are the only things for the moonlight to reflect the time when shadows hide eyes are the only things for the moonlight to reflect. The time when shadows hide slinky movements in the dark.

The time when cool cats and kittens turn into tigers and lions to stalk their prey. The time when nocturnal animals come alive. Our time. You're waiting for me. Just the thought of what to come sends ripples of excitement down my manhood. Oh, this is actually Joe Exotic from him, unfortunately i i can't do that accent just yet you've committed to this one and i have fully committed to carabascan so what was that line send shots of what down my manhood send shots uh send ripples of excitement down my manhood fantastic i squeeze my hand under my denim waistband to arrange myself the pressure of my hardened shaft against the zipper of my jeans feels good.

I take a final glance in the mirror to make sure I look my best for you. Leaning forward, I examine my neatly trimmed mustache and smooth it out with my fingers. I toss my hair and brush the lion's mane of mullet off my shoulders, hooped earrings piercing the silence as they jangle against each other. With one hand on the peak and the other on the back, I push my head into my GW exotic cap, then shrug on a

heavy fringe leather jacket as I make my way to the front door of the trailer. I'm ready. Crutch underarm, I limp my way across the park to our secret place. The uneven ground is familiar and well-trodden. Each step sends a dull throb through my stiff leg, but it's worth it. The impending pleasure is worth the pain.

You enjoying this? No. No one is. I pause outside the darkened window as guilty thoughts creep into my head. I know what we're about to do is wrong. I'm a married man with two husbands. I shouldn't be sneaking around in the night, chasing the thrill of extramarital intimacy. But deep down, I know that something's missing. I know their love for meth is stronger

than their love for me they probably won't even notice i'm gone jesus christ like a cat shaking off water i shake away these thoughts and focus my attention on the door in front of me really well written this i know i know yeah is the um narration it's great yeah fantastic lifting the key from my chain on my belt hook, I twist the lock with clinks with a loud thud. Push the door handle down and step inside. I blink as my eyes adjust to the darkness and I see you.

Carol. Thank fuck, because I thought he was going to have sex with a tiger. Well. Oh god. There you stand. Beautiful in the moonlight that leaks through the barred windows. The energy is electric as we take each other in from opposite sides of the room, undressing each other with our eyes. The silvery light makes your hair twinkle and highlights your signature animal print markings.

Oh, for fuck's sake. As I slowly walk towards you, you lick your lips greedily. Oh, no! And I know you want to taste me, but not yet, my love. You know the rules. Horrible. We lock eyes as I reach down to pick up the heavy metal collar from the floor. After gently looping it around your neck and closing the padlock,

I tug the chain to ensure it's tightly connected to the wall. I run my hands down your smooth, silky back and feel your body shudder with anticipation. I can tell you're ready to be dominated. It's the power dynamics that get us off. We're nearly done. Even as Carl, you can't read the big words. It's nearly done. Okay.

Are you not enjoying it? No, it's great. I move behind you. My pulsating member is begging to be freed. Why don't you do this bit as Joe Exotic? Absolutely not. I move behind you. My pulsating member is begging to be free.

I undo the flies on my jeans and I release the beast. It stands firm and erect in the moonlight. Oh my God. Like a lion looking over its pride land. In the moonlight. You are on all fours in front of me. Your cat-like eyes looking back over your shoulders watching me. I grip your lower back, pull you towards me and enter you slowly.

No way. As I rock in and out, I feel your purr with satisfaction getting more moist in every moment. I see your body heave up and down as you pant in rhythm with each pulse. Our pace quickens and you dig your claws into the ground in front of you as the excitement mounts and we build towards a crescendo together. The world knows about our intense relationship,

but they don't see what happens behind closed doors, do they, Carol? In this moment, I know I am the Tiger King. I hold aside your long, orange, black tail as I explode inside of you, roaring the name of the arch-nemesis that I named you after with my last three thrusts. Carol fucking Baskin! Three! thrust Carol fucking

Baskin that is no I'm not going to clap that no it's well written it's very good

I am going to send the police to the email address who wrote that that's erotic fan fiction that is

it shouldn't be a thing I can't believe erotic fan fiction is a thing and that is a thing it's one of the worst things

that's ever happened so what you don't what you didn't realize is Carol and Joe Exotic are actually is a thing. It is a thing. It's one of the worst things that's ever happened. So what you didn't realise is Carol and Joe Exotic are actually having an affair. No, it was a tiger. What?

That was a tiger. He was having sex with a tiger? The tiger. The arch nemesis that I named you after, Carol fucking Baskin, he's having sex with a tiger. Oh. Oh.

That was a tiger he was having sex with her. I didn't realise that. I probably wouldn't have read it. Out loud. I thought he was having sex with her. No, you didn't. I just. You knew what was going on.

Chris, I swear I did not think. Well, anyway. Was my accents good? No. Great. Oh, God. Do you know why that was happening? What was the most frightening thing about God. Do you know why that was happening? Do you know what was the most frightening thing about that?

Do you know why that was happening? Do you know what I saw? I saw a tiger. Tiger saw me. Pulled it back. Saved it. Yeah, great. Saved it.

Great. Dear Rosie and Chris, my friend recently sent me a screenshot of a headline about a man who put nine cream eggs up his bum. Wow. Being doctors, we like to keep an eye on the current trends in things being inserted places they shouldn't be. So this sparked a debate about how far along the bowel

we thought nine cream eggs would travel. Excellent. I said cream eggs are rather small these days so I thought that nine eggs would probably only stay in the rectum, the very last bit of the bowel. And he thought nine eggs would be enough to reach the further up parts of the colon.

So to settle it, I took an office poll in the A&E department that I work in. The overwhelming... First mistake, should have went to the canteen should have went to the sweet shop but fair enough and had a visual yeah just gotta gotta take but that does that that no see that ruins the fun of a poll you can't have like evidence it's a bit like guess how many pennies are in the jar right okay you know what i mean

yeah so the overwhelming majority agreed with me is cream eggs are pretty small and people are always managing to put plenty of larger items up there. So my question is, do you think cream eggs are getting smaller? If yes, how many of the old-style cream eggs do you think this man could have fit up his bum? Wow. Happy Easter.

Please keep me anonymous. Wow, wow. They are getting smaller. Nine end-to-end. Nine end-to- Nine end to end. But do they stay end to end? Like in a line if you put them up there? Or do they sort of gather together like a fist?

Claggy. That's all I'm thinking. Does he keep the wrappers on? Oh. This is honestly awful. Have you ever chewed a bit of tinfoil? Yeah, it's horrible. It's horrible.

It's horrendous. I think it'll be the same in your bum. Oh, God. Sharp. I think cream'll be the same in your bum. Oh, God. Sharp. I think cream eggs have got smaller. Imagine coming off the back of that. Imagine getting that and then just now discussing whether cream eggs are smaller or not.

It's just the way the podcast works, babe. I do think it was smaller. I still, every time I eat a cream egg, I do remember the first time I had a cream egg and my head nearly exploded. I remember having a cream egg and going, oh, my God, this is unbelievable. Unpopular opinion.

Uh-huh. Not my favourite. Not my go-to thing to be totally honest with you. What would you rather have? A bar of dairy milk. That's just because there's more of it. Possibly.

Find them a bit sickly, cream eggs. I like the outside, but the inside. Do you know what I do? I know I've got a lot of respect for. Cream eggs, mini eggs,

all that kind of Easter stuff that only come out at Easter. I really like that. Same as Snow Bites. Snow Bites, yeah. They're only out at Christmas. Oh, do you like a mini cream egg? Yes.

They're very nice. I do like a mini cream egg. I prefer a caramel egg. No way. I do like a caramel egg, just full of... Roll-O eggs and caramel eggs can piss off. No, I love them. Nah, no way.

They're not beating the cream egg. Not a chance. I don't know if they're beating it, but for me, they do. Yeah, personally, I'd rather have that. Nah, I won't have it. I know it's your opinion,

but I won't allow it. Well, that's... I won't allow it. And I'll tell you what, the Rolo and the caramel ones, you can stick them up your arse. Oh, absolutely not sticking them up my arse.

I mean, can you imagine that? Stick your arse together? Like cement. Mm. Resse. Oh, absolutely not. You can't stick them up. I mean, can you imagine that? Stick your arse together? Like cement. Mm. Resin. Some kind of resin. Good God. Thank you so much

for listening to this week's Shagmire Noid, which is now part of the Acast Create and Edward. Yes, thank you very much, guys. If you want to get in touch, it's shagmirenoid at gmail.com. Send us,

literally, as you've heard from the questions, everything. Everything and anything. Keep tiger trapping. Keep all about that that's very good fun uh yeah thank you and we hope you're all safe and hope you're all well and we hope we're helping you get through what is a very strange time at the moment but hopefully it's not gonna uh it's not gonna happen forever it's gonna be out there you know spitting each other's mouths and licking stuff and that very very soon can't wait. Licking stuff and that. Very, very soon. Can't wait.

Love you guys. Bye. Bye. groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

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