Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 61. My lover

Episode Date: April 24, 2020

This week on the podcast The Ramsey's talk about their main motivation behind exercise and they settle on a new way of introducing each other. Chris gets a taste of his own medicine and Rosie gets annoyed at how good her husband is looking. There's some smelly Q from the's P's and some great childhood fibs! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my disgusting husband, Christopher Ramsey, who's just done a massive sneeze and whilst doing so, put his fingers to his head like he was making a phone call and went, it's for you. Well, I think personally, A, I think that's genius and comedy gold and, you know, just the kind of thing you need to cheer yourself up at this time. It did. I hate myself for laughing if I'm honest you laughed for quite a while which I was very surprised at and B stop telling people I'm sneezing

or they'll come round and lock us up they'll think I've got it I don't think sneezing is a symptom well I'm very ill informed on most things so I'm not surprised

you haven't watched the news for about a fortnight can't watch it can't watch it something big happens let us know someone will tell us someone will ring us

and go do you know it's over or do you know it's got worse will tell us. Someone will ring us and go, do you know it's over? Or do you know it's got worse? I don't need all the bits in between. Don't tell them that it's over because I'm getting loads of stuff done. My friends and me are having a lovely time without them.

Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine, yeah. Mate, that's the plan. That is the plan. This is all going to finish and I'm not going to tell you. Cool.

Do you know why? Why? Because you're pathetic and you can't watch the news I'm going to know and I kind of understood last week but I don't understand now because I want to watch it

and every time I do you go I'm going to watch the news no no no you want to drag me into the news with you and I want to flit off in my own little world

listen right at the moment while all this is happening we're all dealing with it in our own ways right I'm dealing with it with the four Bs. Quadruple Bs.

What's the four Bs? Got me bike. Yeah. Got me beard. Oh, God. Yep, yep. Got me Lego, which is build. Right, yep.

And got me bros. Who's your bros? Mario and Luigi on the Nintendo Switch. Brilliant. Do you want another B? Quadruple Bs. What? Break down. What? Five Bs. Yeah. But I'm holding off the fifth B with the other four Bs. What about the MLC? your bros Mario and Luigi on the Nintendo Switch brilliant do you want another B what breakdown

five B's yeah but I'm holding off the fifth B what about the MLC what about the MLC MLC midlife crisis

that'll probably come in straight after this guys it is episode 61 thank you so much for listening we love you all so much

please continue to like rate and subscribe and before we continue obviously before this all happened, you probably heard one of Rosie's fake, fake news, fake sponsors bullshit. Here's a real one. Paying the mortgage. This week's sponsor is

The Past. Oh, The Past. Remember The Past? Oh, I love The Past. Did you though? Because it could have been good or it could have been bad. The Past. I think anything is better than right now. Hey, it's happened. That's the slogan.

Oh. For the past. Oh, remember that? Oh, remember that good thing? Oh, it's happened. Oh, hey. Oh, remember that bad thing? The past.

Hey, it's happened. Here we go. Stop. You're welcome. Oh my word. You're all welcome. Honestly, if you ever slag off the beefs

ever again when I've had to listen to this week in week out this has been 61 straight weeks it's happened really

hey don't slag the slogan off I don't write the slogans the fonts I write the slogans no one is sponsoring you to write this shit right

hey can you stop this? No. Stop. Get annoyed at the sponsor I've just done. Because hey, it's happened. It's in the past. Shut up. It pays for itself.

Here's the jingle. Pays for nothing. Literally nothing. No money at all. Here's the jingle. Hey yourself. Did you enjoy that intro? It happened.

We had a fight about the jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle so this is the jingle we hope you like the jingle hello and hello! I was so excited. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode. Hope yous are alright. It's still utter shite out there. You're probably on your one hour walk.

Don't be too long or you'll get wrong. Is it one hours? It's an hour. One hours. Is it one hours? I don't know how we're talking'll get wrong is it one hours it's an hour one hours is it one hours i don't know how it's uh half an hour is it no it's one hour is it one hour i think it's just one form of exercise a day i thought i don't think it's timed like i said if i didn't have any work to do i'd put my jogging gear on i'd go out at nine in the morning i'd come back at nine at night where would you go lady forest gum i'd be all over the place there'd be police officers

in in multiple what the jurisdictions states well like the south townside police would be like i saw him this morning and then like the next one's over i'll be like i saw him as well honestly i'd be down middlesbrough running along the river having a little run going on a transporter bridge although they did shift it in nevada didn't they i don't know what you're talking about honestly it's been a long time since I saw it. Oh, it's Alfie the Zimpet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a long time since I saw that.

Oh, well, hey, it's on the telly. Is it? You want to watch it? You got any time? I've got plenty of time. But wait, right, can we just clarify this dead quickly? A lot of people are getting through a lot of box sets. Hate them.

We've got a child. Yeah. So we are not enjoying the box set life nope not happening and then we're doing this yes so yeah so we're not loving that life to be honest are we i do keep seeing certain people i don't think i've ever mentioned this early in the podcast but carl hutchinson oh my word who used to be used to be uh used to be a math teacher um is uh online, on Instagram, canvassing for people who need help with maths homework.

I've known now like it. I'd love to have that kind of time on my hands. Just got a lot of time going on. Hey, people without kids, we hope you're enjoying yourselves, man. It must be fucking quality. Well done. But at the same time as well,

Robin has been an absolute little joy recently. To be fair, he has. He really has. And we slag him off quite a lot. But listen, what's it called? Credit where credit's due. On something you'll never hear. He's been an absolute gem.

Robin, you'll never hear this, but we love you so much. Yeah, he's been amazing. And thank you because he's made me smile. He has. When I felt really down, not wanting to get out of bed, he's made me smile he has when I felt really down not wanting to get out of bed you know he's made us he's made us have a little laugh

and I'm very grateful for that but like we said you'll never hear this so hard lines hard lines dickhead we've been me and him

have been playing on Mario and Luigi and stuff on the Nintendo Switch it's been awesome sit on me knee tell us about it it's been amazing I get like an hour and a half to myself.

So good. It's unreal. So good. So we hope you're all right is what we're trying to say. However you're coping, if you've got kids, if you haven't got kids,

if you're on your own, whatever you're up to, we'll hope you're hanging in there. Hopefully it'll be over soon. Is it worth asking what you've been up to? Absolutely nothing. Nothing.

Other than, oh, I bought some new pillows. You did buy some new pillows. Well, cushions. Cushions. Pillows go on your bed, cushions go on your settees. Right, okay. So I bought cushions.

Yes. They're very nice. Well, you bought cushions, but the cushions weren't in stock, but the covers were in stock, so all the covers came. So yesterday you stood and opened all of our current cushions and put them in the new cushion. Swapped them over, yeah. Yeah, it was awful to watch. But it was very sad on the night time, the new cushions. put them in the new cushion. Swap them over, yeah. Yeah, it was awful to watch. But it was very sad

on the night time, the new cushions. They smell a bit like a pond. So I've had to Febreze them all. Do you remember last night? What was sad was we were sitting trying to watch the telly and every five minutes

I could just hear... And I think, you know that thing... Well, I thought it was your feet at first. And I was like, great. Gone from popcorn. I could stand popcorn, but now it's pond. And I thought, oh, great, gone from popcorn. I could stand popcorn but now it's pond.

I thought, lovely, stagnant water coming from my husband's feet. When you're really trying to sniff something, you do that thing where you breathe in between. So if someone's trying,

have you ever noticed this? If someone's trying to have a sniff, they go like, but if someone's really like, actively like, fuming inside, going,

what is that? They go, like a fucking dog. You your pant your pant you go it's like if it's like honestly it's like a song it's like a song in a disney film the day is dawning i can smell the new day it was horrible honestly and i was sitting trying what to tell you and you're doing that and i'm thinking what you're doing then you're lifting the thing up and you're sniffing my feet and you sniffed all the I can smell the new day. It was horrible, honestly. And I was sitting trying to watch a telly and you're doing that and I'm thinking, what you doing?

And then you're lifting the thing up and you're sniffing me feet and you're sniffing all the different parts of the... Honestly, like watching the telly with a fucking beagle. I've got a very... I've got a really, really strong sense of smell. And then you turn to your cushion, your brand new cushion you'd got

and you went, oh, me cushion smells like pond. It does smell like pond. And then every few minutes you turned and sniffed it again. God, it was horrible. I'm a bit like that. I've got a question about that, actually, coming up.

Okay. So let's not ruin this. Oh, okay. We'll talk about it later. Oh, hey, what a cliffhanger that is. Hey, hey, do you like that sniffing bullshit we've just been saying? Stay tuned.

Coming up in the questions section, we're going to talk about sniffing again. Fuck me. How is this podcast? How is this a thing? Doing okay. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

What have you done there? Oh, I don't know. Broke something. Extremely unprofessional, but Chris and I are currently just sharing a Snickers ice cream because, well, I know why. I've been for a run. I'm a bike guy. And you're a bike guy now.

Most people, when they're exercising, they're like, oh, endorphins just feel great. Just want to eat healthy. When I run or exercise, I'm knackered for the rest of the day and I'm clamming for just stuff. See, when I'm out on my bike, I've got the the apple watch thing

and i flick it up you are just full of the brands aren't you honestly man i'm just just a bike guy um so i've got the watch and obviously it tells you how far you go and i'm the same i don't get the endorphins i don't get i feel amazing after that i'm just on the bike and i'm looking and with every kind of extra mile or so i'm like probably another beer yeah all i'm doing is like buying buying disgusting food and calorific drinks and alcohol for the future yeah that's all i'm doing counteracting it yeah oh yeah i had me run this morning i was thinking oh yeah tonight i'm gonna have myself such a Snickers ice cream A large red wine Oh, dip the Snickers in it. It's my new song.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! It's time for Watch Your Beef! Hello, Chris! Oh! It's Barry here, your Irish pet! Hello, mate. Barry and I'm currently seeing you more than I see members of my own family

because of this lockdown. Oh, mate, I know. It's nice to see you. Well, I'm ringing in. I can't see you. Oh, yeah, sorry, on the phone. Sorry, it of this lockdown. Oh, mate, I know. It's nice to see you. Well, I'm ringing in. I can't see you. Sorry, on the phone. Sorry, it didn't ring. Oh, it's on silent, I think it was.

The Bluetooth. Something like that. Anyway, mate, listen. I've been... Oh, no, I read in the paper. You're a bike guy now. I am. Hi, mate. Just ringing. I'm also a bike guy. Right. Yeah, me and my mum have got one of them tandems Often out around

You and your mum on a bike together Just here and there and everywhere I was wondering if you fancied Next year It's been cancelled this year because of the corona Wondered if you fancied doing Le Tour de France On the tandem cancelled this year because of the corona right wonder if you fancy doing the tour la france on the tandem me and you would have a lovely time rosie can come as well

she can stay with dick and angel no good friends of mine what the shadow people the shadow people all right strawbridges so're friends with... Very close friends of mine. To be honest, I think he's my cousin. But it would go back a very long way. You all right? Yeah, I'm all right. No, I'm all right, thanks. I don't do tandems.

You're not up for it. It's a bit far for you. I wouldn't be able to keep up with you. It's fine, mate. I thought that. I did. Because looking at you, not really. I haven't got the legs for it. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I'm going to have to go. But I'll see you later, mate. Okay. See you later, mate. Stop on my bike. Oh, that's the bike. Right. Alright, here it came. So the phone didn't ring because that was ready.

Ready? Bye now. Get back in hell, man! Jesus Christ. You should do that to your friends. Shut up, man, will you? You might enjoy it. A lot of them come off, though.

I'd be worried about you. I've got the wrong kind of bike. I've got a mountain bike. Great. Do you know how many times on my bike I get overtaken by old men on racing bikes? I can imagine. Daily.

Daily basis. I'm going to start kicking them off soon. If I was allowed within two metres You say daily basis but I think you've only been on altogether about six bike rides. Six days.

So not even a week. Well, I was talking about it last week so I definitely have. You've been doing them intermittently. Oh, okay then. Yeah. But when I'm not on my bike I'm thinking about being on my bike.

Great. Why don't you just marry your bike? I'm going to. Divorce me first so that I get half the house. No, no. I'll have as many wives as I want, thank you. Bikes and the such. Lovely.

What's your beef? Do you want me to go first? You might as well. Okay. You know what? I have got beefs coming out of me arse have you now oh i'll tell you what let's just say we have actually been getting on quite well because i think we've both been giving each other more sort of leeway yeah kind of if there's anyone if anyone snaps if we snap

at each other or anything like that it's like oh look it's hard times you know everyone's i still want to go to prison yeah okay that's very dark um i have lots of beefs do you have lots of beefs i've got i've got a good few right because i feel like i feel like i might need mine to react to your beef so i might need you to go first but do you want me to go first specifically i don't know it's up to you you go first how many you're gonna do like i was only gonna do one yeah but i've got a funny feeling that one of mine is on on your i think one of mine is gonna react to one of yours okay um i'm a right do you want tame or do you want go for it go absolutely no no well they're all pretty tame really okay okay

I'm a little bit upset yeah that you have got a tan yes you've got a lovely tan I have got a tan at the minute

and it's you're actually looking lovely at the minute all around guys can we just take a moment do you feel

how much that hurt? Just skip back on your app, right? And listen to how much that hurt Rosie as it came out of her mouth,

that compliment. Literally, that was like you were spitting nails out of your mouth. Well, I'm just a bit annoyed because you look lovely

at the minute. You've got a tan, you look really alive and you've lost half a stone. Your beard is growing on you literally it's like it looks a lot better than it did people keep messaging us on instagram all the time going chris is looking amazing hot and woody and i'm like oh you back off love that's the first i've

heard of this this is great but then thanks everyone but then i look at me and I'm dropping to bits. I am falling apart, Chris. Yeah. Me roots are horrific. Right. Me tan, when I do put it on, just falls off because me skin's so dry. Is that a thing? I think so. It falls off.

Well. Bits of tan everywhere. It just doesn't go on properly at the minute. Not with the inside of the hoover's brown. Probably. It's just my skin. Me eyebrows are disgusting. I'm so spotty. Right. And I'veves is brown. Probably. It's just my skin. My eyebrows are disgusting. I'm so spotty.

Right. And I've put on weight. Oh. So I'm just, I don't, I'm just sad about it. And you look lovely. I know. I'm raging. Well, do you know what the difference is?

I don't watch the fucking news. Oh, maybe. Boom. All right then, okay. I'm telling you. I'm telling you and my job is trains and planes and cars and motorway service stations and that's where I live

and I eat crap all the time I'm currently in the house eating your may I say slightly above average cooking thank you for that lovely compliment I'm joking you're an amazing cook eating your amazing food you make your own fish finger wrap the night that's right actually

yeah you've picked the worst one that you ever made yeah no you make some amazing stuff you did that I'd had a thing

the other day in like the tempura but you're an amazing amazing cook I'm eating incredible stuff I'm not sitting on trains I'm actually going out on my bike

and getting exercise I'm getting a bit sun in the garden because I've got time to be home again this isn't how I planned it but fucking hell I'm trying to make the most of and getting exercise I'm getting a bit sun in the garden because I've got time to be home again this isn't how I planned it but fucking hell

I'm trying to make the most of it and do you know what I do enjoy myself when I don't watch the news and I don't constantly remind myself of it

alright Captain America that doesn't even make sense it does he's Captain America is really irritatingly like positive

all the time and I can't bear him he's my least favourite out of all of the Avengers. Whoa. Yes. Whoa. What?

Captain America's your least favourite. He's a goody two shoes. So you like Hawkeye better than you like Captain America? Yeah. Right, where's the stop button? This podcast is cancelled. I'll rank them. Go for it.

Iron Man. Fair enough. Thor. Okay. Bit strange, but okay. Hulk. Wow. What's the woman called?

Wow. What's her name again? Black Widow. Black Widow. She's third, actually. She's above Hulk. Right. I like her better than Hulk.

Okay. And then, I love Ant-Man. Right. Then Captain America. Wow. Hawkeye wasn't in there. Hawkeye love Ant-Man. Right. Then Captain America. Wow. Hawkeye wasn't in there. Hawkeye's above Captain America. Forgot about him.

Basically. What about Falcon? Nah. Falcon, he comes a bit later, doesn't he? Yeah. Yeah. He's all right. Oh, I love Spider-Man.

Spider-Man. Spider-Man's probably first. Wow. Yeah. Seriously. Wow. Don't get me wrong. I do like Captain America. It's not that I don't like him, Chris.

I like them all a lot. Do you know what I mean? I actually love them, to be honest with you. But Captain America, goody two-shoes. He's a proper goody two-shoes. What an amazing bum though. He has got a lovely bum. America's ass.

It's America's ass. Wow. Is that in the film? Yeah. America's ass. It's America's ass. Wow. Is that in the film? Yeah, America's ass, yeah. That's America's ass. My beef was going to be something else, but my beef is now that you don't like Captain America. I'm raging about that.

Captain America's amazing. I never said I didn't like him. I just said... He was a little guy. He was scrawny. He got some fucking something in him. Gamma. Oh, Gamma and fucking nanotechnology in it. He got some fucking something in him. Gamma. It's all gamma and fucking nanotechnology in it.

He got some gamma in him. Got full of gamma for the lads. Off his tits on gamma. Off his nut on gamma. And now he's massive. And he's got a massive. All day cat. He's got a frisbee.

He's got a massive frisbee. What's not to like about him? Chris, come on. Hey, hey. In one of them, he's got a beard. In Infinity War, he's got a beard. Bloody lovely beard as well. Yes.

He's absolutely drop dead gorgeous i would leave you for him in a heartbeat we've gone right we've gone too far the other way here all i'm trying to say is he's not my favorite because i like i don't know he's a bit too good right okay i like a bit more of a tony what you're saying is i'm perfect no i'm saying no no that's what you're saying we'll stop you there we'll cut you off there you are saying i'm too perfect and i'm just like do, no, that's what you're saying. Stop me there. We'll cut you off there. You are saying I'm too perfect and I'm just a Captain America. Do you know what he is? Captain America.

Do you know what he is? He's naive. And that's what I don't like about him. He's naive. And he says the good in people too much when people are twats. And you've got to realise that. And he doesn't realise that

and it takes him a little bit longer. Got you. Do you know what I mean? Okay. That's all I'm going to say about it. Well, that was a journey. Right. My beef with you this week is,

if I have to hear you ask me where your fucking AirPods are one more time, I am going to burn this house down with your AirPods in them. Oh, right. Great. I'm absolutely sick of it. I've known nothing like it. Nothing like it. It's a very small box. And sometimes I'll find the box for you,

I'll open it, and they're not fucking in it. Oh, no. What's wrong with you? Because they're portable. I just lose them all the time. You lose everything all the time. We've talked about this before. You ask me where something is before you've looked for it.

That's bullshit. You do that as well. You look off into the air like a gong. Yeah, do you know why? You ask me where something is before you've looked for it. That's bullshit. You do. You do that as well. You look off into the air like a gong. Yeah, do you know why? Zoned out curse. Where's me air pod? Have you moved? No, I just moved me eye and they weren't in front of me eye.

So I'm assuming they're lost. No, I've got like three places that they could be and if they're not there then i don't want to look anywhere else you check one of those places then you ask me i check the three of them no i check the three of them bollocks it's ridiculous robin's exactly the same with lego we're playing lego building one of the bees we're playing lego the other day and uh i think it was yesterday i saw he went oh where's the man with the shiny helmet and i looked at him and i looked at his foot and i went he's next to your foot.

He went, oh, thanks, Dad. I was like, you're exactly like your mom. Well. I'm like, oh. It's all mine.

Honestly. But you know where stuff is. I know, but it's not what I want to do. on this podcast, proclaimed that you are, no, Daddy knows where it is. No.

Daddy will find it. It's a company, right? Isn't it? Yeah, exactly. So I ask you, because you are the Oracle, and you know where stuff is daddy will find it alright yeah exactly so I ask you because you are the oracle and you know where stuff is okay alright

so this is kind of weird this because they're backhanded compliments and they mean but I am Captain America I'm too perfect I'm the oracle and I've got an idea

so I'll take all this no no no you've said it now taking this on a whole different level but I'll remember not to ask you anymore where stuff is

you will probably it's time for questions from the public cues oh cute did you say that

right so again we need a video this podcast what Rosie did there was really arched her back ready to do a really loud cues from the pews

and she popped a button on her shirt sexy and it's a really loud cues from the pews and you popped a button on her shirt sexy and it's a really baggy shirt let's be honest that's a really baggy baggy shirt you've got on i can't work out whether i've just oh hello chris oh oh oh oh double whammy. Just doing anything for you. Not really on the podcast, no. I mean, the noises. It's not really seductive when someone's arching their back

and their shirt's popping open and they're shouting double whammy at you. Not really. What? It's not really what they did in... Blammy! What's this? Blammy. Yeah.

It's not really what they did in basic instinct just on a chair going double whammy open these two bad lads have a look at that close it over again come on in

Jesus oh scum look it's happened ready stop it wasting everyone's time guys as usual

if you want to get in touch it is shagmarionoid at gmail.com send us your lockdown beefs yeah if you're locked in with someone tell it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com. Send us your lockdown beefs. If you're locked in with someone, tell us what's upsetting you. Might be little habits and little things you haven't noticed people doing before. They might be grating on you.

Any stories, anything else you want. The emails are still flying in and we can't thank you all enough. Thank you so, so much. There's about 17,000 there at the minute. Heavens above. I kid you not. Heavens above. This is what i find

unbelievable we've been doing this for 61 weeks we've scraped the service with them questions yeah we'll have yeah it's like an iceberg yeah most of it's unseen and untouched oh we'll try and get through them i'm gonna start off here um this is relating to last week's podcast. Okay. So, take it back now, y'all. Take it back now, y'all. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I felt the need to email when Rosie said on this week's podcast that she has a fear of running down hills. Do you remember?

Yeah, I remember that. Genuinely. This is a symptom and slight case of something called bathmophobia. Bathmophobia. Bathmophobia. Pronounced as it sounds. Bathmophobia. Bathmophobia, pronounced as it sounds. Bathmophobia is a fear of steep stairs or hill. I have this issue and finally found out via Google

that it's a genuine fear as I had enough of my fiancée taking the make-out with me. And that's from Lauren. Thank you, Lauren. So I have got bathmophobia. So I'd appreciate it, actually, if you didn't bring my illness up on the podcast anymore god here we go yeah you've got bathymophobia because you stink um great well done so it's a fear

of steep hills and stairs yeah that's true well yeah because you are because you keep saying that you're afraid of heights but like what's always annoyed me is you freak out on the steps on the way onto an airplane yet don't freak out no on an airplane i'm absolutely fine i can sit at the window i could look outside but it's the stairs i can't go on the air water slide at the haven point yeah the swimming pool and um in south shields i can't go up the steps on the slide because I am terrified. There's like two-year-olds running past us and I'm clinging on to the railings like a lunatic. They do wobble very slightly.

Oh, I hate them. I hate them. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Long-time podcast listener here. Tuned in for episode one, started from the button, and always wanted to send this story in but never had the nerve. Oh, come on.

However, in current circumstances, there's nothing better to do, so here goes. Wow. button and always wanted to send this story in but never had the nerve oh come on however in current circumstances there's nothing better to do so here goes wow i mean a bit offensive but carry on that's fine please keep me in on it anonymous though yes it'll be very obvious why oh it's quite long so listen up close to a year ago i started started a new job, which I absolutely love. Brilliant. A particular perk is the constant hot and steamy sex with my giant cougar of a boss. Rewind. Let me explain. Right, so this is a

bloke, right, okay. Yes. Right. Giant cougar is a very strange way to describe someone. I'm guessing it's just an older lady. Yeah. So it means like she's like she's a like she's a cougar she's a full-on massive cougar but giant cougar sounds like she's seven foot five wow sounds it's like richard osmond or greg davies yeah and walks on all fours

i just meant tall but yeah like you know in, what is it, Juice Bigelow, where one of the women he goes out with is like seven foot tall. Oh, yeah. It sounds like that's what he's talking about. Now you've got the image in people's heads. No, no, no. He just means a proper cougar. He's a proper cougar.

Well, congrats, mate, but let's listen. So let him explain. He's going to explain. Okay. On my first date, as soon as we were introduced, I could tell she was looking at me like a particularly, piece of meat she was hungry to sink her teeth into. What? Oh my God. He's actually wrote that?

This guy just loves a bit of writing. Oh my God. Likewise, she was my every workplace fantasy rolled into a short skirt and an unnecessarily tight top. Jesus. Every time we spoke, I could have sworn you could have cut the tension with a spoon.

That doesn't make any sense. I think because it's not as sharp as a knife. That's how tense it was. Is that right or wrong? I don't know. I don't. Is that already...

Is he wrong or am I wrong? Is that already a phrase or has he actually come on to something there? Well, I know that it's cut the tension with a knife. Yeah. Meaning, so I think what that means is the tension. So cut the tension with a knife.

Let's extrapolate this for a second. Cut the tension with a knife means the tension is so apparent and so palatable, you could physically cut it. You could actually interact with the tension yeah the spoon analogy i don't know i think he's wrong i think he might be wrong but it's fine it's but then i thought so i've got you i'll fix it i'll fix it from what did he say what did he say um every time we spoke i could have sworn you could have cut the tension with a spoon right i'll fix it right okay the spoon thing will work right okay every time we spoke, I could have sworn you could have cut the tension with a spoon. Right, I'll fix it. The spoon thing will work.

Okay. Every time we spoke, I could have sworn you could have ate the tension like a yoghurt with a spoon. You're welcome. Terrible. But we'll go with it. And I was constantly checking myself to be sure I wasn't imagining

it. Right. For the first few weeks, it carried on in this flirty vein until finally the opportunity came. Right. Oh, God. Jesus! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cliché, I know But she had a husband at home Who she wasn't attracted to And a boring two And two and three quarter kids Two and three quarter kids? I don't know I think it's basically

She was very 2.4 Children life I don't like this She was looking for excitement And that I was only too keen to provide At every opportunity. Dude, if you're trying to do a dirty story, don't mention husband and kids at home.

You've upset us now. Well, it's not... I'm not doing it. Right, it's okay. Well, just so you know, I'm hoping that this ends in tears. Carry on. Kindly, I never met her husband, but I knew he worked for the same company in a different department. Christ alive!

Yeah, risky. Goodness. In October last year, there was a reshuffle, and my boss pulls me to one side one afternoon. I hoped it might have been for a risky mid-afternoon book, but no. She broke the news that her husband was being moved into overseeing our department, but that she didn't want to stop things between us. Heavens.

Naturally, I was shitting myself boss shagging billy big balls I might have thought I was but basically bending the

department's head his wife over in front of him would have been Korea suicide absolutely not I told her this would have

to stop so it went for another few weeks with her privately trying everything to lure me back oh right sorry pictures no I thought you meant I told her to stop so we continued for another few weeks with her privately trying everything to lure me back. Oh, right. Sorry. Pictures.

No. I thought you meant I told her to stop. So we continued for a few. Pictures, videos, a thong in my desk drawer. Usual stuff. Usual stuff. You are usual, are you? Yeah, great.

Wow. Good God. Keen she was, though, and a man can only hold out so long. This is horrible. She told me to meet her in the scanning room, and in a moment of weakness, I did just that. Immediately, we were off again, and in the heat of the moment,

she was being much louder than usual, nearly screaming the whole office down, with how good the dicking she was... This is the worst. This is worse than the Joe Exotic fan porn thing that you read. I don't like this at all, but keep going. Suddenly, I could hear people gathering outside the office. Heavens above.

And could even hear the department head, the boss's husband, laughing about who was getting frisky in the scanning room. Jesus. Now, the door flies open, and guess what I saw? I saw a I saw Tiger! Shit! Tiger saw me! Ah! So angry! I'm so

fucking angry! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so angry. I've gone all hot. I'm so angry I've gone all hot I'm sweating I'm actually raging I was getting on my moral high ground I know

I know bless you did you write that no I did not write that somebody sent that in so I can't take credit for that begrudgingly

I am absolutely furious you've just been tag trapped god everyone's using their own weapon against us I know I am absolutely furious. You've just been tag-trapped. God, everyone's using their own weapon against us. I know. Dear Rosie and Chris,

I'm writing to ask your opinion on something me and my boyfriend have been debating. Not so long ago, I was having a poo and had forgotten to lock the bathroom door. It's like it's a one-time occurrence. Not so long ago, one time I remember a poo I had. Well, this is actually referring back to what we were talking about earlier on. Okay. Oh, okay, cool.

This is it, I found it. He didn't know I was in there and opened the door. Oh, God. Immediately, I shouted at him to get out. But then when I looked up at him, I saw him pause, make eye contact with me, and then do a big sniff to have a smell. Oh, the pervert. No.

I thought this was really weird, but he argued it was instinctive and anybody would have done the same. Is this normal or should I be concerned? So he opens the door, he walks in, he sees her. She's like, get out! And he's like, well, as I'm here. A lunatic.

No, I think that's strange. I would probably just hold my breath and run out. Right. Okay. Right. I don't, I wouldn't want to smell toilet like feces,

but I think it's one of those things. If somebody says, what's that smell? Like if it's a horrible smell, I will smell. Right. Well, it's that thing, isn't it? Sometimes when a room smells bad,

you do purely go crazy with it. You go, oh yeah, it does smell bad. Yeah, it does smell bad yeah it does smell bad like the pond that's what I'm saying I don't think I'd go in and have a sniff while you're on the loo can you sniff up all of a smell

so could you inhale the smell to get rid of it can it run out can a smell run out so if a room smells really bad if enough people go in there and sniff up will it go genuine question I don't know smells really bad. If enough people go in there and sniff up, will it go? Genuine question. I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe we do. I don't know. I'll tell you where the question's come from. I've been playing on Luigi's Mansion 3 with the Bane and Luigi uses a hoover

to hoover stuff up so he hoovers ghosts up and stuff. Okay. It's that kind of, I'm working on that theory. Like, can you sniff up a smell? Can you... Sniff up a smell.

Can you use up all of a smell? Maybe. Who knows? Do you reckon? Do you want to try it? Because I know that perfume wears out towards the end of the day, but that's because it obviously rubs off your skin and stuff and sweat comes out.

Well, smells go though, don't they? What do you mean? Well, say if you've got something smelly. Right. So say, right, say there was've got something smelly so say right say there was a bit of smelly fish on the bench

that would left there for a day okay right you take the smell you take the fish away put in the bin outside the room would still smell

a bit like the smelly fish but then it would go and my point is could you get it to go faster if you brought seven people in and everyone stood there

going I've just done it's a valid question i don't think we'll ever find out beg your pardon well do you want to be involved in the sniff test email shag no don't really i'm joking i'm joking no somebody will there'll be some sort of like scientist listens to this and goes oh hey now better to I know. I know the answer to this. Smell the air. My buff is there. Sniff it up. I think it's a genuine...

And I'm going to find out. Can't wait to hear that next week. You couldn't even pretend. Chris, that's fair. You couldn't even pretend you were going to get involved. Are you... Why are you okay and I'm not? What's the matter with you?

I'm just dropping to bits Chris because you're watching news I'm serious I'm not trying to be ignorant here and there might be people listening going I can't believe he's not watching the news and he ain't no current affairs guess what if you're telling us I'm locked down for three weeks I'm gonna just be locked down for three weeks

I'm not gonna fucking do you know what I mean I'm not gonna keep checking I know it's horrible I know people are dying I know it's the worst and i'm just trying to get on in my own little bubble because it's the only way i can cope i think it's because i went for a run i feel worse i feel terrible yeah it'll be that i feel a bit faint it'll not be that massive bag of monster monster munch and that snickers ice cream you had just before we started. No, I don't think so. No. evening features her way and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at Toronto rock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

Got a bit of a confession here from somebody sent in a confession. Always love a confession. It really made me laugh. Dear Rosie and Chris, this has been weighing on my mind for the last 17 years. 17 years. And now it is time to come clean. Okay. I was 19 and working as a nursery nurse teacher.

Got you. My job was to look after the two to three-year-olds and I loved it. Really? Apparently so. Bit weird. Carry on. I used to do that for a job, and I did not love it. I also didn't like the amount of illnesses

you brought back to the house when you did that. I think we've talked about it before. Always poorly, wasn't I? You were like a little sponge for all of their snot and germs, and you brought it back in the house. Yeah. Yak. Well, I do remember working in the nurseries,

and the kids would sneeze and they'd just sneeze on you. Yeah, yeah. Or they'd just sneeze on the hands and be like... Robin just coughs into my face. Literally into my face. I think he sneezed in my mouth once, if I remember right.

I think I wrote it down somewhere. Horrible. I knew all the kids, their routines and their special requirements. Lovely. It was a great first four months. However, things quickly changed. Oh.

My boss's new lover, a bit weird, had a daughter that worked in the same room as me. New lover. My boss's new lover. It sounds like a romance novel. The new romance novel by Rosie Ramsey. My boss's new lover. I've obviously read this

and the fact that it's the lover has nothing to do with the story at all really the boss's new lover had a daughter that worked in the same room

as me and we didn't get along oh okay then right so the boss's right okay the boss's new partner has got a daughter the word lover

is very strange I love it though it's weird because lover I don't know it is a really unnecessary way to describe someone.

Do you know what I mean? Like imagine it would be really awkward if you were out you know when we're allowed back out the house if you were out and you just

oh sorry have you met my lover? Oh Chris do you know what I mean? I'm gonna do that from now on. I cannot wait. You're listening to

Shagmire Noi with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my lover, Chris Ramsey. Oh, get me out of here. I swear. What's the next event that we're doing?

Is that what you're going to do? Can it wait? Yeah. Shagmire Noi. I want you to introduce me as your lover, not your wife.

Please, that I will laugh so much. Okay then, let's do it. Let's all start doing it when we're allowed back out that's hey that's how we're going to treat ourselves i'm good i'm good from now on if we're at the shops or whatever i'm gonna be like excuse me um have you seen my lover you know when they come over the tannoy when you used to get lost when you were a kid uh just a customer announcement can Can the lover of Chris Ramsey

come to checkout number four, please? He's lost. That's the lover of Chris Ramsey. Thank you. Next time. Right, I've got my first person. I'm going to do it on the delivery man. Great.

Next time he comes, I'll be like, oh, this isn't for me. It's for my lover. Don't try it on the delivery man because delivery men i think they're worked off their feet at the minute and they've got absolutely no sense of humor but the guy who asked about the idea had none so he came down i was happy to be playing in the garden with robin and he came down the drive with a parcel for her and obviously in the middle of the lawn we've got the little badminton net

you know that rubbish we've got like a rubbishy badminton net that you just plonk into the ground it's pretty big I'm not going to lie it's alright

the badminton net well it's good but no but I want everyone that's like the fourth time you've slagged off that badminton net this week

it hasn't gone unnoticed right all I'm saying is it's just two poles that go in the ground with a little net in between that are tied on, right? Uh-huh.

It's good. So the guy's walking down, right? And I went, obviously he didn't want to come to the front door because we're near the front door and it's social distancing and all that. And he went, oh, package for you, mate, yeah.

And for a laugh, I went, oh, just leave it on the badminton court. And he looked at the thing and he looked back at us and he went, what? Straight away.

Oh, you fell what? Straight away. Straight away. I was like, oh, this is, this is full non-deafy. Oh, I'm not, it's like,

that's, you can't say, oh, delivery men haven't got a sense of humour. I wouldn't have laughed at that. Leave it on the badminton court. All right then, well,

what it does is it backs up, well, it backs up the fact that that's a shitty badminton net. Because he literally went, what? And I went, oh, just leave it on the grass mate.

And he went, no, and he walked off. No, that is a bit arsehole because we are quite blessed with a big garden so that poor bloke you don't know he might not have a garden

it's a stupid joke yeah but it's a shitty crappy net on a bit of grass that was the joke it was just you know when you just see something and you go right this is the wrong crowd here wrong crowd imagine if I'd come out and went oh is that for me, my lover?

I'd be like, who are these bunch of arseholes? Alright, shall we get back to this? Right, so, the boss's lover got a daughter. Daughter works in the same room. The consternate. You couldn't trust her with anything and she would deliberately get you into trouble and I was the only one who didn't take her shit so i

was moved next door working with the three to four year olds right because she was the boss's favorite got you oh obviously okay so two to three year olds difficult three to four even worse in my opinion no no no the two to three is the worst room going. You've got the baby's room, which is okay, and quite nice because they have naps. Got you. Two to three, yeah, it's not the worst room. I was in there, and it's horrific. Well, two to three is when they're going to move around

and do stuff and grab stuff, but they can't be reasoned with at all. They can't be reasoned with, no. There's no reason, and they're just fighting all the time, and it's horrible. These three to four-year-olds do a little bit of work, sort of, like colouring in and that. Two to three, disgusting. I got into the swing of things and settled in quite quick. Cool.

It was coming up to Easter and they always had a special buffet tea for the kids. We set up the tables with all the food and got the kids seated ready for tea. Nice. That was one thing I loved about working in nurseries yeah the food was amazing what like fish fingers and chips and stuff oh well there was like there's like there's nursery i worked in there was like a full-on chef right um and she used to make loads of grub and she used to make like deep fryer chips and everything and it's just okay then mint so every time i'd sit at the dinner table with all the kids dishing out the food

and I'd just have a sneaky plate of chips to myself. Brilliant. Put on quite a lot of weight in that job actually. Brilliant. She was always making kids like biscuits and that and cakes. Kids getting really malnourished and that. My kid's not getting fed. This is you in the corner just rolling around.

What? Sorry, they mustn't have done the stock properly. How many potatoes have gone missing? Yeah, disgrace. The week i went on holiday there was just loads of food right okay there was one particular little girl who had always been very quiet around me so i made a point of sitting next to her to try and gain her confidence got you i asked if she would like anything in particular and she said no so i just put a selection of food on her plate ham sandwiches sausage roll crisps cocktail sausages etc and handed it to her she gave me a funny look and i said it's okay enjoy your tea she wolfed it down and asks for seconds and thirds i thought get in we bonded wow great

you do kind of feel that though when listen i've worked in nurseries and schools you always like some of the kids more than the other ones ah okay right right obviously you can't act like that and you would never really tell anyone but i definitely had my favourites like. Wow. For sure. Wow. Every time we were setting up for special buffet style dinner or teas, she would always make a beeline for me. She would always want me to plate up her food and I didn't think anything of it. It was only after doing this for six months that I accidentally found out

that she was in fact a vegetarian. Oh no. When talking to her mom by chance, I happened to mention that her appetite was amazing. Her mom said she found it really hard to find food she liked due to being a strict vegetarian. At that moment, my ass fell out my shorts. I feel like I shouldn't laugh i feel like it's pretty marvelous well this is 17 years ago this wouldn't happen now

at all like there would be no kids eating uh meat who weren't well 17 years ago let's be honest it was probably just you're eating veg now there's so much you can do now i i often go for the vegetarian option in places because it's just so you know that back. Now, there's so much you can do. Now, I often go for the vegetarian option in places because it's just so, you know, back in the day, 17 years ago, we're talking like, you know, here's your bit of vegetable. What are you doing with it?

Nothing. You're a vegetarian. I don't think there was many vegetarians 17 years ago, wasn't there? I don't know if there was. No, I'm not sure. Not as many as there are now. Anyway, that's amazing.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being a vegetarian at home and your mum just thinking that and then sitting down. I mean, did you hear what she just put on her plate? Ham, sausages. It was pure pig. It was minging.

It was, yeah. Here's your plate of salt. Well, thank you very much. Here's your plate of salt and pastry. Hoovered it up. Go for it. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My friend told me this story the other day

and I said it would be perfect for this podcast. So, the story goes, a while ago, his friend went round to a girl's house. Okay. Friend of a friend went round to a girl's house. Okay, here we go. They went to her room and one thing led to another.

Okay, what started playing on the computer? What did I do there? one thing led to another. Okay. What started playing on the computer, did it? Got the PlayStation pads out. Sex. What? I think they had sex. Oh, goodness me. Yeah. I think it's safe to say they had a good time.

Okay. Anyways. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. As he went downstairs, he noticed his younger self in a family photo. What the fuck that was the moment when he realized he was her cousin no the next time they met was at another family member's wedding no way yes wow i know imagine that what a short and horrible story that was do you know what i'm

lovely lovely i was reading it and i was thinking oh this could have been wrote so much better but yeah basically someone had a one-night stand with somebody and that was a full anecdote turned into a one-liner they're going downstairs and they're seeing a picture thinking hang on that looks like me when i was little oh it is me how does that happen though how do you not know that you someone's your cousin we had things have happened we had things have happened i would yeah i believe that again sometimes we'll get stories i don't believe it i just it's so strange well if it was a one night stand as well um if you know he's gone around our house after a night out or whatever, then I don't know,

there might not have been much communication at all. They might not have even got the surnames. I mean, Christ alive. Do you know what I mean? Parents are away, comes around,

bum, bum, bum. Have you, here's a question, have you ever thought, has it ever crossed your mind, like, have I got a secret brother or sister anyway?

Especially you, because you don't have any brothers or sisters have you ever genuinely have you ever thought just when you were little or anything did you ever be imagine if i had a brother or sister that i don't know about i know i i wanted a brother or sister um to the i've just remembered this to the point of where uh when i was younger i must have been four or five maybe five um and a lad who was a couple years older who used to hang around with it was down the street was just in my mom and dad's house with me just playing in the bedroom and stuff and just you know playing in my room yeah and he he got a photo off the off the hallway or whatever i imagine it wasn't a photo of me in my own bedroom at five which would be weird right

there's many photos of me he got a photo and he went oh it was a photo of me in my own bedroom at five, which would be weird. Right. There's many photos of me. He got a photo and he went, oh, it was a photo of younger me. And he went, who's that? And I said, oh, my brother, but he died. No, you didn't. I did. And my mum was like, no, it's not.

It's you when you were younger. Because the lad went and asked my mum. And I told him, I said, oh, it was my brother, but he died. What's the matter with you? I don't know. It's weird that, isn't it? Why are you telling me that? That's stuff that you keep to yourself, Chris.

Really weird, innit? Oh, no, you're going to murder me when I'm asleep, aren't you? Hey, if I haven't murdered you during this lockdown, I think you're all right. I think you're all right. I think you're all right. Look at you, getting ready for it, though, aren't you? Getting yourself looking good.

Bit of a Ted Bundy. So when it all comes out, people are going to think, oh, he's too attractive to have killed his wife. Help. You literally did say, you've been giving us compliments saying that I'm starting to look good,

but you do say it. You said it on one of your Instagram stories the other day. You said it in the way, exactly the same way that people said it about Ted Bundy. Like, oh, he's good looking. Can you believe he was a killer? That's the kind of way I'm getting the compliments off you. It's really painful.

Telling the stories about it like that. Seeing that that younger you died i used to lie all the time when i was a kid did you know come on yeah yeah so did i always say i had brothers and sisters uh toys always in the loft oh yeah i've got that it's in the loft always oh right okay so oh you lied about stuff like that yeah to the point of where no word of a lie at the moment there is actually a shitload of lego in the loft because i bought loads of lego and i've just got it up there and i get it down now and then and just build it and i was on a zoom with a few comedians the other day and scott bennett a mate of mine i said he's getting into lego as well and he said oh i've just got this this and this and i went oh i've got them in the loft and he went that sounds like

a thing kids say when they're lying and i went mate i used to say that oh i've got yeah i've got it in the loft I've got it in the loft and he was like sounds like bullshit mate I love that speaking of lying when you were kids this has just brought up a little memory to me and it just

makes us think that either my mum just couldn't be arsed or she believed us when I used to play out, obviously no phones or anything then, I had a watch. But what I used to do was I would set my watch back an hour and I'd go home and go, Mum, my watch says 7 o'clock.

She'd be like, it's 8 o'clock. I'd be like, but my watch, it's broke. But I did it all the time. And she never did anything. Why? Because she didn't want to get your new watch? I know, but wouldn't you say, Rosie, I'm wise to this. You just keep setting your clock back an hour. She's probably just happy to have you at the house for an extra hour.

I think she was, but I think probably a motherly guilt thought, right, okay, she needs to be home by seven o'clock. She's coming in at eight, and she's giving us this cock and bull story about her watch being broke, but I don't care because she's out me here for an extra hour at least i'm trying is that right you think sandra all i can think of is um i used to get bollocked off my mom for not staying out long enough not weird oh honestly like because it would always be like like other parents, I remember, would say to her,

I can't get him in. And she'd be like, I would always just, every five minutes, I would go back in the house for something. Like what? I don't know. I was just always popping back in.

Mad, isn't it? I don't know. Oh, Chris. What were you popping back in for? I would always just pop back in. Did I ever tell you, so you know them little cakes that we make with Rob and them? you can get like the packet the boxes are

like paw patrol cakes or whatever yeah and it's the mixes and obviously when i was a kid they did i think i remember tasmanian devil ones i think they did turtle ones as well um she got them or looney tunes ones i think they were yellow frosting she got them a couple of times and then refused to get them ever again because she would put them in to bake or whatever and i would walk out and apparently she would be like look they're gonna be 20 minutes or whatever and apparently i would come back to the front door every like minute and ask if they were done yet and she was so demented she was like we're not getting them again go play outside i on the drive or whatever in the street with people and i'll just go we're always played sort of near my house i would always just go back in like every five minutes i was back in the house for something yeah you had the dream though you lived in a cul-de-sac yeah i didn't i

lived on a main road oh yeah oh so depressing speaking of lying when you were kids right um my old next door neighbor when i was younger was a little girl i don't want to say her name i don't want to embarrass i don't know if she listens to this or not she must be a few years she must be four years younger than us um she used to lie like no one's business. Like unbelievable, like professional lie. She's just a kid, but she used to do it all the time. She went on holiday with her family. And her mom's partner.

Right. Mom's lover. Her mom's lover. Yeah, well, it wasn't her dad, but her mom's lover. They were around the pool on holiday yeah and she told someone that there wasn't a known right there wasn't a known what he looked like but she told someone that her dad was alan shearer and they came over for an autograph and he had to tell them he wasn't alan shearer i love her like they came around

the corner so A they mustn't have known what Alan Shearer looked like and B they must have just had a pen and paper ready yeah

and they went over like oh we don't really know what he looks like but we've heard of Alan Shearer that she's from the North East and they went over

and they were like can we have your autograph and he was like why and they were like oh we're here you play for Newcastle

and he was like I don't she's just a liar have we ever spoke on here just while you're talking about somebody on holiday, your next-door neighbour, have I ever told you about the holiday we went on

when Kate put on a posh accent for the whole holiday? Right. You may have mentioned this. I'm not sure, but carry on. I don't know if I've mentioned it on the podcast. Okay. So we went to Spain one year. Right.

I can't remember exactly where. I would have been about seven. Right. No, eight. Kate would have been about ten. Got you. Right. And we met another family there and their kids.

They were from Buckinghamshire, right? The Flowers. Okay. They were very posh. The Flowers? That was their surname. Oh, right. I thought that was a place.

No, no. The surname was Flower. Like the plant. F-L-O-W-E-R. And my Kate got really good friends with the eldest daughter. For the whole holiday, two weeks, Kate talked with a really posh

accent. Right. To the point where me mom and dad had to tell her off yes fantastic no honestly she would so she would go mommy daddy um can i have some money for my ice cream i mean i was like why are you talking like that that's ridiculous and my friend obviously a friend was there and she's going, I don't know what you mean. What am I talking like what? My dad was like, Kate, why are you talking like that? It went on for two weeks.

Oh, imagine that. She kept it up for that long. It's a proper kick in the bollocks, that, for a 90s working-class family on holiday, if your kid will just disown you in that way. Just completely. Oh, no, I am not with these common folk. You are, yeah. it's great they're not my real mummy and daddy i don't know who these people are actually can i join you can kate flower honestly i've already you know i had i might have talked about this before i'm not sure i had friends who went to university for one semester and came back and they'd lost their accents.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a fucking wet blanket. For me, it's like crumbling under interrogation immediately. When I meet someone, I mean, I've met people in foreign countries. I've met people in London. I'm from the North East. And I go, how long have you lived in London?

They're like, 12 years. And I'm like, fucking Jackie, you've kept your accent. I don't know why I find it to be a really important thing chris i knew a girl who went and worked on a cruise ship for four months she came back talking like a bloody scouser i was like where you been she's like all right she was like on a cruise ship why you got a scouser Where did Doc Whirl Been cruising mainly up the Mersey Ferry across the Mersey Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hi Rosie and Chris

I wanted to share this story As when I told my husband about this He just shrugged and said Well that's my family for you Wow A few years ago for my birthday He got me a trip to a spa. After having a baby, I was excited about the prospect about spending time with my husband.

I asked him when we're going and he said, oh, you're not going with me. You're going with my mother. Great present. Poorly executed. Imagine that. And you're taking the kid you me mom and the baby it's like a holiday for him wow um the day of our spa arrives and me and my now mother-in-law are getting changed into our swimsuits to enjoy the hot tub and sauna

before having our treatments as i'm getting changed i can hear her muttering to herself i go to check to see if she's okay to find her messing around with her bikini top she tells me about how she tried to fix it before coming and thought she had but hasn't looking at the top she just reattached this trap so the inside of it faced the outside as it was a halter neck it would still be wearable right so yeah you're gonna have to explain this for men because we don't know what's going on. So is it one of them ones that strap a loop around the top? Yeah, and it can detach, so it can come off

if you want it to be strapless. Right, so it's a bathing suit that can stay up. Yes. Right. So lads, just for the lads listening, it's one of them ones that can hold onto the tits itself, but sometimes you do put the belt bit on the top as well, around the neck.

So if you're going to the bar, you'd put the belt belt bit on but if you're just lying on your lounger you just have tan lines yes the boulder holder there we go boulder holder fantastic great great however she just said oh well and just got into the hot tub without a bikini top on i beg your pardon happy birthday and just got into the hot tub without a bikini top on. I beg your pardon? Happy birthday? In a spa? In a spa. I then had to sit in a hot tub for an hour and a half with my semi-naked mother-in-law.

An hour and a half? How did they get away with that? Why didn't you have a top on? I'm more upset that they're in there for an hour and a half. Yeah. You'd be a shadow of your form, I suppose. You'd be a little prune coming out. How can you even walk?

An hour and a half. Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Why are you more bothered by the fact that they were in there for an hour and a half rather than a mad got her tits out at the spa? Well, I mean, it all amalgamates together. And, you know, I mean, they must have been a pair of wrinkled baps by the time she got out, let's be perfectly honest here.

That's unbelievable. Where's this spa where you're just getting your tits out? Like, that's not cool. Did I ever tell you about when I was about 14, I had really bad acne? Oh, yeah. Did I ever tell you about this? I knew you had bad acne. I had really bad acne when I was in school.

And my dad used to take us every Saturday to Hebbin Swimming Baths. And I used to go in the sauna. He said it would be better. I used i used to go sauna spa steam room and then go on the sunbeds to try and like get my skin better it never worked it's all hormonal we tried everything my mom was buying like the internet had only just came around and my mom was buying like soap off the internet and stuff like special stuff we tried everything awful right but we used to go to this the steam room and the jacuzzi in this bar in heaven baths and this uh like a few of the blokes were going naked what like fully

naked so we're talking like we're talking like the steam room with like the plastic seats yeah and this one i knew people did it but i didn't think they did it at heaven heaven spa yeah so this what heaven baths been knocked down now but this one guy used to come in and he was he was a bigger guy he was extremely hairy and he was naked and he used to come in fully bollock naked dick out the lot and he used to sit with there was there was a water machine outside where you know the little paper cones of water you'd get you'd get a little paper cone of water and he would come in and he would sit often next to me. He was there every Saturday, same time as us.

And he would often, because it was quite small, I'd end up sitting next to him. And he would sit with the cone of water and he would have a razor and he would sit fully bollock naked, just dipping the razor into the water and just shaving his face. And then just dipping it back in the water, fully bollock naked, sitting next to a 14 year old me, because he was a fucking animal. Without a mirror?

Is that the main thing? No. That's the one thing that's upset you, that he didn't have a mirror at the check? Well... He could just sit, shaving, and just dipping it in a little cup,

and then just shaving and dipping it in the cup, just fully naked. Is it next to you? If he started doing his pubes, then I had to leave. That's horrible. Biggin', isn't it?

Do men still dry their arseholes with the hairdryer? I wasn't aware of this, but continue. Isn't that a thing that they do in the... I don't know. I've never seen anyone dry their arsehole with a hairdryer. How much hair have you got on your arsehole that you need to blow dry it?

Some men have really hairy arseholes. Oh, God. Dave! You finished that straightener? Dave, I got the tongs this week I'll go on then do your gooch that is manky I'm off out at the night

with me lover gonna straighten me gooch here's a question I'm sliding round on this bus seat it's because I left a leave in conditioner on me gooch here's a question. I'm sliding round on this bus seat just because I left leave-in conditioner on me gooch here. Christ alive. Here's a question.

For people who have long pubic hair, do they use shampoo and conditioner or just shower gel? You never conditioned your pubes? No. No?

Have you not? Have you? Why, I know. And then, gets a bit long, give them a big condition. Treat them right, man. You've got to treat yourself.

Self-care. Have you really? You've never conditioned your pubes. You've never had them that long, have you? Chris, I absolutely have never conditioned my pubes. Conditioned your beard the other day. It's the same feeling as pubes, isn't it? Yeah, it's exactly the same.

Like a big pube. Like a big pube. Like one big pube. That's what you look like. A bit of rope. You look like a big, hairy fanny. That's offensive. It does. It does.

That's what beards look like. Jealous. I'm not jealous. Jealous. Just because it's better than your beard. It is. I've only got the one hair. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap.

So I've got a question, actually. i've got an email that i've got here it was left over from i don't want to give too much away but obviously we're doing the book and it was left over from one of the one of the chapters from the book but when you read it none of the chapters are specifically about what you're about to hear it just happened to come up for something i was searching okay okay i'm excited so dear chris and rosie when i was 20 i worked in a high street sex shop and became very used to hearing about fetishes and the like. I had been talking to a man who would always joke about having a foot fetish.

I really liked him, but I was too nervous for a date. Bit weird. Around the same... Why would you like someone who came into your sex shop and said they're like... Oh, if you work in a high street sex shop. I imagine if you work in a high... And guess which one it is. Right, okay. Well, no, because they're like, oh, if you work in a high street sex shop. I imagine if you work in a high street, well, it's, you know,

And guess which one it is. Right, okay. Well, no, because they're not sex shops then, are they? It probably rhymes with land lummers. Genius. No one will ever break that code. Fuck me. But that's not a sex shop, is it?

That's a lingerie shop. Anyway, whatever. It had a sexy bit at the back. Get vibrant, has it? Yeah, but what's a man doing randomly coming in quite regularly and talking about foot fetishes to one of the lasses who works there?

The point I'm getting at is if you work in one of these places, you're obviously not uptight at all and you don't judge people on stuff like this. So he's probably a nice bloke and she can probably say past the foot fetish or she might be, you know, she's got feet.

Do you know what I'm saying? That's probably why he likes her. Probably. I doubt he'd go for footless people. With a foot fetish and all, you wouldn't really bother, would you? You'd look at them and go, they haven't got what I like.

Wow. Why bother? Wow. Around the same time, I started talking to someone who I had a fetish for. Now, I've never heard of this, and this is mad, and I don't know why why i can understand talking to the foot fetish guy but this guy i

would give this guy a wide berth so she's she's talking to this other person she's talking to two guys who are tickling her pickle who are tickling her fancy in this place one's got a foot fetish and the other has a fetish for putting heavy duty chains in vaginas. Wow. Very specific. Yeah, fucking drop an anchor. Again, too nervous to go on a date. Not surprised. You wouldn't want to be going on a date with him. The foot guy cornered me in the sex shop and asked for a date.

I said fine as I was feeling brave. That night we went for drinks and he came back to mine. Everything was going lovely, brackets sex-wise. Congratulations. So she's had sex with a foot fetish guy. Yeah, and I had an ankle on his shoulder. Fair enough. It was dark, so...

It was dark, so touch, the sense of touch was all I had. Then I felt something on my foot. It was hot and damped. I looked up in the darkness. This stranger had half of my size 8 foot in his mouth. Of course he did. Of course he did. You met him in the sex shop and he told you he had a foot fetish.

You didn't expect him to do something wrong with your feet. Gets worse. He only stopped to spit in my face. Cool. What? Just dropped that in there. That's just been dropped in there. So he spat on her.

He took. He had a foot in. Full on had his foot in her. So he spat on her. He took... He had a foot in... Full on had his foot in her mouth and then spat on her for some reason. Right, lovely. I mean, again, why do these people roll this out on the first night? Build up to it.

Chris, not everybody's like us. Christ alive. I decided I wouldn't... I decided I wouldn't call him the next day and I tried to go on a date with the guy who liked chains the next week. Wow. Spoil yourself, love.

Why not? Christ on a bike. Why not? On the date, it became obvious it wasn't just chains but quite a large amount of bondage, including wax play. So that's where you burn wax. Jesus. I mean, I do like putting my finger in a restaurant.

I often get told off by the waitresses for putting my finger in the wax candle thing and picking it all off and getting it covered in the, in the, I say I often get told off, probably the last time that happened was when I was about 12, but still. No, you did it, you do that quite regular. Yeah, but I don't get told off. I do, I? Well, I've said to you, can you not do that, please, with candles?

Yeah, you don't work there, though, you've got no authority. After our date, we went back to his oh goodness me luckily my vagina was safe uh as when we got back to his hey wow i read so i read what sorry i read this email a while ago when i was doing this specific chapter for the book and it's been in a folder on me on my computer that I've left it. And I remember why it didn't go in because of this next sentence. Is it too risque?

Well, no. So she dropped the last thing in. She dropped the spit in my face thing. She just dropped that in. Out of nowhere. This next one gets dropped in even more. I remember nearly falling off my chair when I read it. Okay, I'm ready.

Come on then. After our date, we went back to his. Luckily, my... Luckily, my vagina was safe as, we went back to his. Luckily, my vagina was safe, as when we got back to his, he shat himself and I decided to leave. Oh my God. Oh my God, about it.

That's why I saved it. So I remember saving this email, and as I'm reading it, I'm thinking, we might have to edit this out of the podcast. It's not that good. Why have I kept this? That's i'm reading it there i'm thinking we might have to edit this out the podcast it's not that good why have i remembered why have i kept this that's why i kept it i mean she has no luck but can i just say don't want to you know i don't want to sort of blanket

discriminate here but maybe blokes who frequent sex shops enough to talk to the staff and get another staff aren't the kind of guys you should probably go out i agree i don't want to be you know i don't i don't want to discount people here, but let's be honest. If you're on first name terms and asking out the staff at the sex shop, maybe you're not the kind of person... Totally. Expect a foot in your mouth.

Yeah. A mouth around your foot. Expect them to shit his pants. The next day, I was contacted by the... This is where it gets good. What? The next day, I was contacted by the foot guy to ask why I had been on a date with his best friends.

Oh, they're best friends. That's right. Of course they are. Fanny Chains and Footboy are best mates. I was mortified and I am looking into moving city. God. Well. I'm not surprised.

They could have a threesome. Of course they're mates. No, that would be horrible. Oh, God. Imagine the admin that would be involved having a threesome with them two fuckers. Christ alive. You got your talcum powder on your feet?

You got your chains in? Got your socks. Oh, light that candle. Get your foot off the candle. Fuck it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was interested to hear the balls in or out debate last week.

Brilliant. I'm very much in the balls in camp and immediately sought clarification from the ever-reliable WhatsApp group of my friends. Brilliant. I'm very much in the balls-in camp and immediately sought clarification from the ever-reliable WhatsApp group of my friends. Wonderful. All eight of us

were balls-in. Wow. Gentlemen. Must be from down south. Must be well off. The gentlemen WhatsApp. It's the WhatsApp of your local

country club, is it? Good God. So the debate was not as fiery as I'd hoped. Right, okay. Got it. However, we do have a 6-2 split on whether you should pull your foreskin back

when you have a wee. Minging. The split seems to be more 50-50 when we've consulted other people. So Chris, do you pull your foreskin? Oh no, it says, so Chris, to pull back or not to pullskin? Oh no, it says, so Chris, to pull back or not to pull back?

That is the question. Always pull back, mate. I'm circumcised. Thanks for showing off with your foreskin, your abundance of skin that you've got. Are you a bit jealous

of people, of men who have foreskin? Nah, it looks weird. It looks like a sausage with the bit on the end. You know when sometimes you get a pack of sausages

and you've got to cut them apart yourself and you get the little bit at the end? Looks like that. Like a little polo neck for your wig. Like a little balaclava. I don't like it at all.

I don't like it at all. No. Why did you get rid of yours again? Well, you were only little, weren't you? I was only a baby, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Too massive is what I tell everyone. Probably wrong.

They literally went... People used to go, look at the baby on that cock. Oh, no. Sorry, they didn't. people used to go look at the baby on that cock oh no sorry they didn't they didn't I'll phone me mum she'll tell me

I'm joking I'm not going to phone me mum I'm going to ask your mum don't ask me mum I'm like Anne

woman to woman when when Chris was little did he get circumcised because it was just too big weirdly or no Anne, woman to woman, when Chris was little, did he get circumcised because it was just too big? Weirdly, we're currently in lockdown, so if you want to ask her that, you're going to have to FaceTime her. That'll be fun.

I might. Once again, thank you so, so much for listening. You've been listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Indeed. Thank you so much for listening you've been listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid which is now part of the Acast Creator Network indeed thank you so much for listening please stay safe

keep your chin up let's hope this doesn't last for much longer or chins or chins Rosie and if you want to get in touch

at shagmaridanoid at gmail.com we hope you're all alright we love you very much thank you for listening bye bye We hope you're all all right. We love you very much. Thank you for listening. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game.

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