Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 62. Yarden

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

On this week's podcast Rosie reveals what she likes to do at train stations and Chris has some ideas for the next series of Strictly. The beef's get juicy and there are some very impressive Lamb impressions (why not?!). They discuss horror movies, ice eating and what to do when you find a sex toy in your new home (and it's not yours). Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridanoid with me Rosie Ramsey and my lover, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, it's episode 62.

Oh hey, they go up every week. It goes up by one. A week? A week. Crazy. Isn't that, honestly, bends me head. Bends me head. Now obviously, as you know, in these times, Rosie's a massive sellout.

So there's probably been some kind of thing being advertised or sold to you at some point. But now it's time for the real sponsor. This week's sponsor is Flower. Hey. Flower. Remember Flower? Can't get it anywhere. Remember going past it in the supermarket and going, Whoa, look at all that. Who needs all that? It's gone now. It's all gone. Remember flour? Can't get it anywhere. Remember going past it in the supermarket and going,

whoa, look at all that. Who needs all that? It's gone now. It's all gone. Remember it? Forget it. Hey, you got some chalk? Grind that up.

Looks similar. Tastes bad. Oh, yeah. How long did they come up with? How long did you think about? Thought of it yesterday in the supermarket when you sent us to get self-raising flour for the Yorkshire puddings that you made,

which I will call shite. I know. I did them so well the week before. So bad. Terrible. It's because there's no flour. Hey. This is horrific.

That's it. Can you? How do you make it? How do you make it? Do you get, is it wheat? Do you grind wheat or something? What, for flour? Yeah. I think so. In the mill. Let's it. Can you? How do you make it? Is it wheat? Do you grind wheat or something? What, for flour? Yeah.

I think so. In the mill. Oh, there's a windmill near us. It's got no wings on it, though. What are they called? Propellers. The mill. Fins.

No, the bit that spins round. Look, anyway, I'll be honest with you. The windmill next to us, I don't think I can get it working again. It's mainly full of like like cans of McEwans and piss and like human shit and needles

and condoms and that someone had a good time not you though because you got no flour there we go right this is horrific here's the jingle bye

let's get on with the actual podcast you need to stop doing them waste waste of time stop stealing comedy from the people

Rosie jingle please Daisy I Daisy. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's Shag Mountain Oid Just to let you in and just a little there, lift the curtain up for you See behind the scenes We've just, we always record the introduction with the, with the shitey sponsor that Chris does Real sponsor, offensive, apologies to Fawa And that's like, that's the sound check

And then then so we just listened to it back and you could only hear chris's voice and chris listened to that i went yeah it's fine and i went well you haven't actually heard no so i found a random bit and i played it and i just heard my voice and i went yeah it sounds fine and yeah i realized your voice people in this podcast chris yeah Yeah, I can only hear myself, mainly. All the time. Why am I not surprised? What?

What? You know, friend of the podcast, friend of ours, Jason Cooke, comedian who I mentioned earlier. Oh, you haven't mentioned Jason for a while. I don't mention Jason that much, no. He's another one of your little buddies. Jason's not as ripe for piss-taking as Carl. Carl Hutchinson just sets himself into these situations. But Jason once said,

and I genuinely, I think he's hit the nail on the head, Jason once said that, when I leave a room, in my head, I expect everyone just waits until I get back. Yeah, nobody talks.

Yeah, no one talks, no one does anything, they all just wait. And that's the thing. Because you've said in the past, because it's ridiculous, like it's my mentality of like, you know,

if I'm not there, it's not happening kind of thing. Because you've said in the past, what do they think about like it's my mentality of like, you know, if I'm not there, it's not happening kind of thing. Because you've said in the past, what do they think about that that you've done, Chris, or what are these? And I always just think, I haven't already thought about people slagging us off behind my back. Because I just imagine when I'm not there, they're just sitting waiting for us to get there.

That is the most awfulest thing I've ever heard in my life. Crazy, isn't it? You are that unaware of other people. Yeah. Why did I marry you? Did we get yeah why why did i marry you did we get married we did was were you there i was there i see me i was there you were mortal drunk so you probably not remember most of it yeah read more about that in the book by the way yeah we just did a chapter about that in the book and you i mean i nearly vetoed what you said but it's okay

and we'll not we'll not tell them this is always good teaser this publisher i'll be buzzing off this yeah the book is out september the something september the something i think it's okay and we'll not tell them this is always a good teaser this is a publisher I'll be buzzing off this yeah the book is out September the something September the something I think it's the 3rd no don't don't I don't know why

don't say date it's out in September but the cover's just been revealed today yeah we have done a proper cover it's such a good cover it's me

painted like Michelangelo Sistine Chapel style naked and my penis is Joe Exotic's arm and Rosie's a tiger and my penis is Joe Exotic's arm and Rosie's a tiger and my penis is stroking

Rosie what is are you okay that's the cover you've not seen it no I'm lying it's just

it's basically the same as this the publisher told her to reveal a cover on the podcast and it's like one you can't reveal a cover about a podcast and two it's

it's just us two sitting there just Sammy and me jump ashes and have flowery thing we both look pissed off Shagmode annoyed. I can't believe how well this podcast

done and now we've got a book and I didn't even have my roots done for that picture. We use it every way. You've never got your roots done

I'm looking at you now you've never got your roots done. We're in lockdown Chris can't get your roots done. What was your excuse before that Rosie? Lazy.

Some people go to the hairdressers and find it really relaxing I've just I'm there for hours I've said this before I might have even said it on the podcast

but the people who leave the hairdressers and go yeah can I just book in for three weeks time like what is your how have you done that yeah

how do you know that far in advance and the amount of time you have to go for crikey well I'm sat there for hours because I get highlights and stuff

that's why I only go every like once every two months or something yeah and stuff That's why I only go every like Once every two months or something Yeah well sometimes you go And I'll go about me day And I'll do things And then I'll ring you later And you'll go

I'm still in my hairdressers And I'm like but this is Do you know like when someone It's like a shorter version Do you know when someone goes on holiday Remember holidays Remember them Like when someone goes on holiday

Yeah And they're like oh I'd say that And you go bye And then like a week and a half later You ring them And you get the international dial tone and you go what the are you still on holiday and they go yeah all right seems like it's been ages that's basically exactly what happens when we go to hairdressers exactly the same um hope you're all okay still

we are in week uh week i don't know six i think no i. No, I worked it out. I think it's week million of lockdown. Week one million. Week million. It feels like it. Week million. I am detached today. Detached? I'm just detached from the world. Okay.

I think. Is that the right word? I don't know. Put it in a sentence. Currently, I am detached from the world. Didn't help at all, that. I feel like I'm just like me old self is floating above us.

Okay. And I'm just looking down on me currently just surviving this lockdown. So your old self is actually getting a video podcast of this? Yeah, she's looking from above. Lucky bitch.

Little angel Rose. She's there. That's really sad. Going about her business. Mixing with all the other little angels up there two metres I hope well yeah

even angels two metres come on lads keep your distance protect it's just a bit intense isn't it I don't I mean listen we're going to be dead positive

and this is all lovely but I'm just I'm a bit sick well I mean that's that thing it's like you know we do hope you're all

okay listening and genuinely not blowing my own trumpets here but we'll get some nice messages saying that we're really helping. On days when I'm feeling down about the whole thing, I'll read an email and it'll say, you're really helping us get through lockdown.

And I know we're not the NHS, me and you. We're not saving people physically. But the fact that we're helping people get a little bit through, it cheers us up. It makes us feel really, really happy. So we hope you're all okay. We know this is all happening. We're not going to dwell on it as usual,

but we're just checking in with you, making sure that your lockdown is as fucking tedious as ours. If you're enjoying yourself, then you better pack that in. One more person tells me that they've got nothing left to watch on Netflix. I'm going to break the social distancing rules, go drowned and stick a fucking nut right on their nose. Well, should we go there? Sick of it.

Should we go there or not? What do you mean? Well, because it's just, it's such an awkward topic because we know there's so many people who are desperate for children and I don't ever want to take away the fact that I absolutely adore Robin. He's our life. Couldn't imagine life without him, but this would have been a lot easier

if he wasn't you. Oh, hey, everyone who hasn't had kids yet. Well done, you've won. Yeah. You've won. You've won. Congratulations. Everyone who was smug

about not having kids before this. All right. All right, you've won. What more do you want? It's intense with children. All right, you've won. Your prize is my child.

Take him. He's yours. Congratulations. Enjoy. Until this is over, then we'll have him back. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Speaking of kids and lockdown,

I went to the shop, the corner shop the other day to buy some necessities. Yeah. And I was queuing outside because it's a small shop and you only get one person at a time. And I was talking to a girl

who said she'd seen us before at a gig and she was like, local lass who'd seen us before and she said she'd seen us at a gig and then she said, oh, I saw you at the local soft play, Jumbo Gyms. Oh, yeah. And she was like, oh, lockdown, yeah gyms oh yeah and then she was like oh lockdown yeah yeah nightmare and i was like yeah yeah and she went hey you know i never thought i would but i really miss going to the soft play

don't you miss it and i had to just go no i'm not there yet like are you not no i'm not a soft play are you kidding us i was there a month ago really i missed the soft play i don't know what would have to happen to me for me to miss soft play. Do you not like soft play? Nah, I'd rather take all the cushions off the sofa and just let them jump around and go crazy. But in soft play, now he's old enough, he's okay to be in there on his own. You can sit on your phone and look at houses and stuff. I'd rather sit on my phone in the house. Why are you looking at houses? That's what I do when I go to soft play. You look at houses? I just look at houses and stuff. I'd rather sit on my phone in the house. Why are you looking at houses?

That's what I do when I go to Softplay. You look at houses? Just look at houses. Really? But sometimes I'll put in not even where we live. Oh, you're a maniac. Yeah, the house app, whatever it is that you use, looking at different houses. I've seen you looking at stuff in like, down south and then in Scotland and then just when a big

thing comes up, you're like, look at this. I do it all the time. I do that whenever I'm on the train whenever we stop at a station I'm like oh let's see what's going on in New York. For God's sake. That's annoying. What?

Because right I know that whenever we go to somewhere like before this happened we went to Corbridge for the day and we're walking around and you're like whenever you're seeing a state agent somewhere you always just run up and look in the window like like a kid at a fucking pet shop because i'm playing the fact that i know you do it at train

stations now is really annoying playing with me imaginary money but i mean do you know i know what my limit is what so my budget usually if i'm just on the train station because i'm not actually gonna buy there so i'll be like two million to 20 million. That's a 20 million! That's my budget. Is that what you put in? That's what I put in. And I'm just like, oh, six and a half million. Cool, six and a half.

I wonder if those apps, they might get a ping. There might be someone, honestly, when you put in like 2 million to 20 million, the top thing, there might be a ping in some office somewhere where there literally could be someone sitting and it just goes ping, and it comes up, like 2 million to 20 million top thing, there might be a ping in some office somewhere where they're literally someone's sitting and it just goes ping and it comes up and it's like, Steve we've got a big fish we've got a big fish hooked, do you know what I mean?

But anyone can do it so why would it ping? I don't know you know like if someone you know if someone walks into a shop I always imagine if someone walks into a shop and they've got loads of bags from other shops, the people in the shop must think, oh, here we go. They're going to buy something.

Whereas if you're like going on the top fucking bracket of the website. See, this is how I can tell that you, I don't know whether this is a bloke thing or not, because when I was younger, I've been doing this for years, right? Me and my mum used to look at houses in our area. And we used to be like, when we win the lottery. When we win the lottery. That's what we're going to buy. What a fucking torturous way to live your life. Why, when we win the lottery. When we win the lottery. That's what we're going to buy. What a fucking torturous way to live your life.

Why? When we win the lottery. If we win the lottery. We used to do it all the time. Really? All the time. I've seen inside possibly everyone's house in years. That's the bottom. That's a bold statement.

But maybe it was 10 years ago. Right, okay, yes. I've seen inside them all. Great, yeah. Been looking for years. I'm obsessed. I maybe it was 10 years ago. Right, okay, yes. I've seen inside the mall. Great, yeah. Been looking for years. I'm obsessed. I love it. I love it.

Currently, I've got my house. There's a little house in Richmond I've got my eye on. What, in Richmond, London or Richmond North? Richmond North. Richmond North. 3.4 million. Nice 12-bed castle. 12-bed castle.

Got my little eye on. Cracking. Excellent. You never know. Wow, hey, Sam Smith must be-bed castle. Got me a little eye on. Cracking. Excellent. You never know. Wow, hey, Sam Smith must be kicking himself. Oh, I mean, five bed. How much was his? 12 million.

12 million, five bed. Bet he bleaches a yard, eh? Or a yarden. A yarden. That's what the corner's about. That's irritating. Yardens. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab.

Another little behind the curtain. I've just had to tell Chris to calm down Yeah Because what's happened is Chris has been so down with the lockdown That we've come to record this In his Heiser flipping kite That's it

I've kind of like Tried to rev myself up for the podcast And I've gone too far into the red Like you know when you You know when you accelerate too much Yeah And I need to change gear I need to drop it down

I need to just start Do you want to Let's hold hands for a second and get some of my negative energy. Oh, great. There you are. Oh. Breathing in.

You feel a bit shit there? Oh, God, yeah. Do you feel worse? Weirdly, I just want to go and look at houses on phones. Join me. Come join me. Where's me app?

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Can we talk about something that you said the other day that made me howl with laughter? Right. Yes. Well, I mean, obviously, back can we talk about something that you said the other day that made me howl with laughter right uh yes if well i mean obviously as a professional comedian i'm always making a howl with laughter but there's one thing i think you're going to talk is it what i think you're going to talk about i think so well should i just explain and then you'll know come on so the other day we were watching the telly and as you might have noticed at the minute they're not making any new tv programs

because how can they you know people are doing stuff on their phones and trying to make the most of it and things like that um chris said to me the stupidest thing that i've ever heard in my entire life um oh that's why because i said i said oh they're not going to be able to do Strictly this year. And Chris said, oh, yeah, you know what they'll do, though? And I said, what do you think they'll do? Chris said, oh, they'll just replay last year's. Yeah. The whole series.

I stand by it. Why do you think they would replay last year's Strictly Come Dancing? Because, first of all, was the best year, ofs Ever And second of all because they can't make a new one But surely they would pick one A bit further back than just last year Why pick an arbitrary one?

Because last year is so fresh in people's memories Yeah that's why I do it again I can remember the songs that people danced to Get it on again man There's no way that they would put that on all right just my dancers then oh absolutely not like a montage of all the years possibly but they wouldn't just replay what do you did you mean like week by week yeah full-on oh i'm gonna open the phone lines and that yeah open the phone line get people ringing in get people ringing in seeing if they can change the outcome all the money from the phone line goes that. Yeah, open the phone lines, get people ringing in. Get people ringing in, seeing if they can change the outcome.

All the money from the phone line goes to the NHS or something. It'd be great, man. It'd be a great plan. No, Chris. I reckon they should. Hey, listen, if anyone from Strictly's listening, come on, man. Just stick me in the tape player and press play every Saturday night and it'll come on.

I don't know how it works. The same series. Yeah, man. It's fast. All right, it was a stupid thing, right? I've tried to stick by it. You were being genuinely serious. I was genuinely serious. There's still a part of us that thinks it's a stupid thing right I've tried to stick by it you were being genuinely serious there's still part of us that thinks it's a good idea

it's not a good idea do you imagine oh I wonder who's on this year hang on a minute breaking news two weeks or three weeks before it comes on you could put it out in the news that Jamie Lang's out

and that he's getting replaced by Kelvin. Surprise that for everyone. Jamie could put his cast back on. Do you think they could? Do you think somebody who's really good with technology and editing stuff, do you think they could get one person from each series and put them into a series together?

Oh, maybe, yeah. I mean, it would cost more than putting a new series on, I reckon. Yeah, CGI-wise, but yeah. Oh, it's such a shame. They haven't come out and said they're not doing it, so I don't know whether they've got something up their sleeve. Oh, imagine having to watch people dancing on the telly from the kitchens

on a grainy, grainy phone. Oh, yeah, I'm all right for that. Oh, no, thank you. Yeah, I'm absolutely all right for that. Oh, no, thank you. Yeah, I'm absolutely all right for that. I've got a bit of beef, but I want to just chat about it now instead of the beef section. It's some pre-beef.

It's a bit of, yeah, a bit of a starter. Beef tartare. Beef tartare. Oh, I love beef tartare. Oh, is it steak tartare? It's not beef tartare. Oh, you're a steak tartare. Oh, yeah, where do you go for your dinner? Oh, brilliant. I love that you're trying Oh, is it steak tartare? It's not beef tartare. Oh, you're a steak tartare. Oh, yeah.

Where do you go for your dinner? Oh, brilliant. I love that you're trying to have a go at this. It's for a scumbag, but you said it like a Geordie Fish wife. Yeah, where do you go for your dinner? You heard yourself. It's not like you're just falling out the viz. Slagging me off.

Anyway, me little aperitif beef with you. Aperitif beef, I like that. So you're still a bike guy? Massive bike guy. You're still a bike guy. Big up to everyone nodding, by the way. A lot of nodders out there. Loving it.

Loving it. Just what they do, isn't it? I don't think it's because they know that you've said. No, they definitely do. And it's not a nod, right? It's not like a nod, like an up-down nod. It's like a,

it's kind of like a shake of the head but upwards, it's like an upwards shake, tilt, like a, aye, aye. Do you know what I mean?

Like, almost like a wink without winking, just a, aye, any like, on your bike? Yeah,

I'm on my bike too. Good lad. Great. You've been going every day. Been, clocking up the miles, that's why. Clocking them up,

mate. I must be, honestly, I must have done over 50 miles now. Good for you. Maybe more. Good for you Clocking up the miles, that's why. Clocking them up, mate. I must be, honestly, I must have done over 50 miles now. Good for you. Maybe more. Good for you.

What's the problem? So, I suggested the other day, because you used to have a thing on the back for Robin. Still got it, yeah. The little seat, but he's getting a bit big for it. Yeah, he's just on the limit. He's just on the limit. He's just on the weight limit, yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes if I go off a kerb, his seat hits the back of me. Yeah, and that's not good, because he's getting limit. It's just on the weight limit, yeah. Sometimes if I go off a kerb, his seat hits the back of my back wheel. Yeah, and that's not good because he's getting older. He's four. So I said to you, why don't you get one of them little cart things to go on the back? Yeah. You know, like they've got them at centre parks and stuff. Yeah, yeah, a little baby trailer thing. Yeah, and I just thought, oh, that would be quite nice.

And you don't have to go on the really main roads. You could go a bit of back roads and I think you'd really enjoy that. You said to me, oh, no, he's too heavy for them as well. Right. You said he's too heavy for them as well, and I went, oh, that's a shame. And then I went on Google, and I had a little look. He's actually a stone and a half under the maximum weight capacity for them, Chris. Really?

So I think you just bare-faced lied to me face, and now you're trying to wiggle your way out of it. I can see it on your face. This is your lying face. This is news to me. This is news to me. You're a little hyena with your little eyes. Hyena?

I don't know. You look sneaky. Snake? Snake would have been the first one. That would have made more sense. You're a little snake. Genuinely, the one I looked at on Half Ads was the same weight. That's what I went on as well, Chris. Really?

Yeah, they've got one for two children, funnily enough. Two small children. No, no. Two little ones. No. He's a stone and a half under the maximum capacity. Are you sure about this? I am absolutely positive, Chris.

Okay, then. I feel you just said it because you don't want to take him on your bike rides. No, I do want to take him on. I'll take him. Well, all right, okay, then. I will. Yeah? Get yourself the shops.

I will. You're not coming, are you? I don't want to come. Good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! It's time for Watch Your Beef. All right, Chris. Oh!

You said it wasn't going to happen, but here it is. Hello, Chris. Hello. It's Bill in there. Oh, what's wrong? Just I know that Rosie said that we were all dead busy a minute ago and you had to re-record it because I think there was a phone giving some interference.

Right, yeah. But I just wanted to check in on me little peccas. Me little peccas. How are you doing? We're all right, yeah. You sound rough. Rougher than usual. Just a lot going on, Chris.

Right. Haven't left the house in six weeks. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just a lot going on Chris right I'm left the house in six weeks right I mean yeah yeah okay just going on right well tired I'm frustrated right sexually mentally right you know let's go back to the second right yeah let's go out the sexually better if you can't elaborate oh I've got seven boyfriends Chris I'm seeing one of them in six weeks. Come to visit us from the window. Right, okay.

You can't do much through windows, can you? Do you know what I mean? Why through the window? Are you self-isolating full on? Are you at risk? Are you kidding us? Was that a little burp? I got... It was, wasn't it?

Was it you just burped and then we go... Got a little bit of... Little bit of gas. Fuck me, man. Got a letter. Got a letter from the government. Did you? So I'm just being careful, but I miss them.

I miss that physical touch, you know what I miss them I miss that physical touch You know what I mean? I miss the physical attraction Right Not a song Not a song Oh, she's broke We've broke her Oh, no

Good No, let's do it again Do you know what? My whole thing is to just keep going Until you break out of character That's been me whole Why? That's just funny

The hard thing is with the beefs, because I never think of what I'm going to say. It just comes off the top of your head. It just comes off the top of my head. And this week, I've just gone, Hey, it's absolutely fine. I have nothing. You tried.

You failed. Next week, I'm going to plan it next week. Okay, we're going to have a beef family reunion. I might have them all. Get them all on a Zoom. You'll be like Eddie Murphy. Oh, fuck, I was joking. No, don't do that. Don't. It don't actually work we'll see still live right what's your beef although you've already

beefed with me this week oh i've got another one great do you want to go first on me you go first are you sure yeah okay um my beef with you this week is okay it's a little bit personal brilliant I think they all are no this is but it's pretty personal is there a chance

I might veto this we'll see okay um every time we have sex great once we've had sex I know what this is gonna be

for a good day yeah you call me a slag. Right. Every time you look at me, every time you might get us a drink, yes, you drink your slag. Every time you talk to us,

after we've had sex, you put your slag on the end. And it's funny, but a bit weird. Right, can I also add to this that I also call you disgusting as well. Oh yeah, you're disgusting slag. I often say you should be ashamed of yourself for what you've just done. It's a joke. This is really weird. So the other day when you said it, you're like chris man you are laughing but

you're like you stop doing that i was like if she mentions this in the podcast it's gonna sound like some kind of weird controlling like gaslighting thing but it is it's just total piss take i just find it for years yeah i don't know why i don't know why it's never never did it with anyone else never did it with anyone else just you oh lovely i don't know why. Never did it with anyone else. Never did it with anyone else. Just you. Oh, lovely. I don't know why. I just find it really funny. So I don't know why.

I don't know why. I'm really sorry. Is it bad that I've shared that? No, I think it's really funny. I was going to say you could veto it if you want. No, I'm not vetoing that. Not a problem at all. But it's like, I hate it.

It's as soon as we're finished. But no, no. It's pretty soon after. Come on, let's not get into details here, but no. Like, you know, we've left the room and stuff and we've sorted ourselves out. And then you go, you're disgusting. But it's a joke.

Are people going to kick off at me for this? You laugh. The day you stop doing it, the day you stop laughing, I'll stop doing it. Oh, I'm going to, honestly, you're going to get, you're going to get weird emails now. No, because it's like,

okay, right, well, I'm saying it as a beef. It is very funny. It's actually, no, it's irritating more than, I'm never offended by it, but it is quite irritating. My beef with you this week,

genuinely, you've done this a few times and i've never realized right until the other day and i watched you do it and i sort of sat and i and i it's soaking on us and i thought that is genuinely one of the biggest dickhead things i think i've ever seen anyone do in my entire life right the other day we were sitting on on a zoom quiz with your ma with your dad and your sister and your and brother-in-law right we're sitting on the zoom quiz and i'd had nothing to eat and we're having a couple of drinks so i thought right i better get a pizza so i ordered a pizza right yeah dear listener listen to this right i ordered a pizza i'm a plain guy i get a a large margarita

thin crust that's all i get and i get and you get the little pot of garlic in the top of it yeah the one little pot of garlic now i i like to ration the garlic and leave it towards the end for the crusts and stuff because i think if you first dip you immediately have the garlic you all you can just you chase it it's like a drug you just chase that dip all night so i like to leave it towards the end and i have my last couple of slices i'll get them slathered in garlic right you said can i have a slice of your pizza i said of course you can have a slice you went can i have a dip the garlic i said of course you can have a dip you used you took one slice of my margarita and you used while i was still eating i still had four slices left you used the entire fucking tub on one slice i've seen i've and i sat

and i looked and i looked at the empty tub and i looked at my four slices left and I looked at your plate where you're napping with your one slice that you ate and I thought that's the evilest shit I've ever seen it was unbelievable it was fucking horrible

you've got no comeback it's literally like I'm going to have a bath there's only hot water aye there is and then just run into the sink and turn on the hot water on and let it run off

and then go and enjoy your cold bath right right one honestly them pots are tiny you should have ordered more it was just for me so you can have you can use just that one pot for a full pizza yeah because me me me you either just use your crusts in which you get away with it or if you're actually dipping your pizza in it, I'd just use the last couple of slices. Otherwise, there's too much garlic and salt. You can't taste the pizza. But I've seen you eat a pizza without any sauce at all. I can do that as well.

Well, then what are you pissing and moaning about? I'm pissing and moaning that you used one slice of pizza. You used the entire fucking baptised it. You know that I really enjoy my condiments. It was, honestly, it was evil. It was pure evil what I saw that day. That was weeks ago. Why haven't you mentioned this?

I've saved it up. You've done other worse things since then. But you never said anything at the time. You're joking us. I must have internalised it. In my head, I shouted at you. Did I not shout at you? No, you didn't say anything.

I must have done it in my sleep. Well, why didn't you say, Rosie? It was already empty by then. I thought, what's the point? It was fucking empty. You put the empty pot back down and I had like four slices left. Animal?

I had to go and get some mayonnaise and think about garlic. I could have made you garlic mayonnaise if you'd asked. Oh, I know, yeah. Brilliant, huh? Maybe he's getting you back for calling us a slag.

Maybe I wanted the actual one that came with the pizza, not your shitty homemade lumps of fresh garlic and then getting them caught in my teeth, keeping the vampires away. I'd have made you a pot. Why didn't you go and make your own for your slice?

Oh, hey. Sorry. Genuinely sorry, because I didn't even notice I'd done that. I'm sorry. I would have been fuming. Couldn't believe it. I do remember now.

That was Rachel. Sorry. It's alright. It's your birthday in a few months. My birthday? I'll get you one of them big pots. The big dip? Yeah, I'll get you one of them.

Alright. Apparently there's more calories in that than a Big Mac. Oh, I know, yeah. They're disgusting. I was saving you. Don't even try that bullshit. Fuck right off. It's now time for the part of the podcast

which has been shamelessly stolen by the government. Yeah, I know. Shamelessly stolen by the government and used in their daily COVID-19 briefings. It's time for Questions from the Public. Public.

Public. Public. Do you have any idea how many tweets I got? I know. People saying, it was one of the tweets just said how many other sma fans are desperate for him to go person from the public public

honestly i think we'll all get through it a lot better if he started giving it the public why not boris is back on the me might you never know he might he definitely won't he definitely won't you're going first to me you've got some questions this week haven't you i have got some questions this week i have honestly guys if I have got some questions this week. Honestly, guys, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarydinoid at gmail.com I just, I really enjoy reading your questions

and your stories. Some of them I don't use because, you know, some of them, I mean, some of you are absolutely crazy. Some of them are too disgusting. Some of them are too disgusting. Some of them don't really go anywhere but I just like reading them and i like reading your nice comments and please if you want to get in touch send it we're trying we've got so many in there we're trying we've just literally skimmed the surface of them please

keep them coming because you know some have gone into the book some might go in if we do another book god knows what happens rosie's just pulled a face when i said another book that was imagine i imagine i'm a teacher and I've given her another bit of homework before she's finished her current bit of homework. That was the face I just got. If we write another book, I will be talking like this. Ask me a question. What time is it?

It's seven... nine-four? What? You'll be empty? I will have nothing left. Good, got you. I've got a filthy one to start off with. Oh, why filthy?

Filthy question. No, let's start off with something nice. Oh, go on then. Have you got a nice one? No. Ah, there they are. Right, so. Hi, guys.

Love the podcast and just wanted to share this. I'm about to have my second child, brackets, a boy, and I can't help but get anxious over their teenage years and jizz being everywhere oh my god welcome to the club it was the other day that my other half decided to tell me about when he started to explore wanking in his teenage years he had a pair of simpsons curtains and said that marge was looking particularly hot at one time as the crease of the curtains made it look like she was lifting her skirt yes he wanked over

marge simpson no what he also nicknames me margaret i now feel violated why are boys so disgusting now the reason i've left this in the reason there's no question here but listen to this this is why i love we've never had one of these before and i just really like it okay that is all no need to keep me anonymous my partner's name is phil neal and i'm happy to expose him as his sister also listens to the podcast so she might vomit a bit when she when you read this out hopefully the curtains weren't in her room bye that's funny because that sister will remember them curtains oh absolutely just a little name and shame for you enjoy that guys oh man well that's a ming i'm devastated to have to go through that at some point oh god do you know what i mean socks is it is it like right i don't want to get

too filthy but as a young girl obviously i don't know anything about how young girls explore their body. When a young girl discovers she can do it all like that downstairs, sort herself out, bit of DIY, is it like this revelation that it is for teenage boys? Because I remember the first time I had it and it was literally a whole new world, running home from school,

going home for dinner, getting up in the morning, first thing I did, last thing I did before going to bed. No? No. Really? I mean, I don't know whether it's different now. I don't know.

I think sex and masturbating is talked about a lot more now with the younger generation than it was when we were young. No, we, no, yeah. I generation than it was when we were young no we no yeah i knew what it was years before well then no i i don't think girls do young no no honestly maybe maybe it's just me you don't when you're really young it's not a thing that girls do lads like to think that but they don't and i think it's no no honestly maybe I could be completely wrong and maybe I'm just

going from my own experience but it's just not something that you do when you're younger see as a teenage boy it was literally like getting the greatest

toy in the world I can imagine yeah just like literally I remember I literally I wanted to go

it works I can do it and then that was that I've heard about this I've turned it on now I can't turn! I can do it! And then that was that. I've heard about this! I've turned it on, now I can't turn it off. Oh, man. It's not like that.

Honestly, it's not like that for girls. Yeah? Yeah. Don't know why, it's just a... Boring. Yeah. Boring. I mean, once you learn how to do it and you get a bit better at it, it's not boring, but when, it just takes a lot longer to master, I think.

Ah! Learn how to play an instrument. It is. It's more complex. So the female genitalia is a bit like a harp, a classical harp, and the big giant ones you find in big posh hotel lobbies. These are like a triangle.

Yeah. Doink. But not even dinging it once, doing that thing where you go into the corner and go, ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. Phenomenal. Dear Rosie and Chris, brackets, I bet Chris will hate that.

Thanks. Like the rest of the nation, I've been forced to spend unnecessary amounts of time with the people I live with. During this absolute monstrous time, I've discovered that my housemate has the weirdest habit. When he makes a cold drink, he adds ice, brackets, like a normal human human being however rather than just drinking his drink they've wrote here bastard drink i don't know they're really

angry rather than just drinking his bastard drink totally unnecessary i mean i swear but that's totally unnecessary rather than just drinking his drink he proceeds to chomp on the ice in his drink like it's a effing snack there's a lot of swearing in this email. Oh my goodness, angry. He's not even just putting it in his mouth and sucking on it, like some people do. Oh no, I have to sit there and watch as he gnaws at these chunks of ice like a dog with a bone. So my question is, is he a psychopath and should I have him admitted? Committed, do you mean?

And do I tell him to shut the F up and eat a snack like everyone else or do I just leave him to it many thanks Jake what is it boyfriend or housemate

housemate oh I see there's not even a connection there really it's just the one you live with who eats ice cubes out with a drink

it's very common is it and when I see someone do it it goes right through us is it really? I guarantee now, listeners, we will split you down the middle because some people, you know, have you ever seen them adverts where people bite ice lollies and you want to smash your telly?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or like a sensitive toothpaste advert. They're like, I use sensitive toothpaste. Now I bite my ice cream like a fucking killer. No need. Now I eat my ice cream like an apple. And you see them with these big white teeth just...

I have never, ever seen... I've never witnessed anyone having a drink and eating the ice cubes while they're doing it. I've got friends who do it, yeah. Ew! They'll have the drink, they'll drink it up and then they'll open their mouth wide, they'll get the ice in and then just... What? It's so loud.

I've never seen anyone do that. Really? Well, see, there's a reason I would never do that. Because I always feel, unless you that. Really? Well, see, there's a reason I would never do that because I always feel, unless you make the ice cubes in your house or you buy, like, the bags of ice, you don't know what water they've used for them ice cubes. What do you mean?

Because it could be manky water. Manky water? Yeah. So you would trust a bag of ice cubes over ice cubes in your own house? Is that what you're saying? Are you saying you would trust them in your own house rather than the bag of ice cubes

no I would trust a bag of ice cubes from the shop or ones I've done in my house but if I was in a bar or something I've worked in bars

right do you know what I mean no you're going to have to elaborate they use ice machines I don't know I just think that they'd be rank

well on holiday didn't people used to get the shit because sometimes the pubs use the tap water for ice water yeah but we were in a hotel recently and they had an ice machine in the corridor yes like they do in america and in the olden days when they had ice machines that you go to yeah you don't know what's happening in that ice machine well yeah i know what you mean somebody could have urinated

in that ice machine yeah but it wouldn't be in the top bit where the ice is made. It would be in the bottom bit where the ice leaves. Still, though, I wouldn't trust it. Fair play. Do you know what I mean? I just find it... Eating ice. Although I do give Robin ice cubes.

He loves an ice cube. So you have seen someone eat an ice cube? Not from their drink. Like an adult, while they're having a drink, eating an ice cube. So Robin eats ice cubes. He loves ice cubes. Oh, yeah, like little snacks. That's literally what this person in the email's doing.

They're a grown-up. He's four. Right, okay. It's how I get him to drink water. Just give him ice cubes. Do you not know this? He's going to have your life for that when he's older. Why?

He has a little bowl of ice cubes. You know if your mum ever bought like shit pop or like rubbish cereal or something and you had a go at them, like he's going to have you for that. Oh, my nice. What ice lollies did you have when you were younger, Robin? Oh, no, my mum just gave us a bowl of ice.

He loves it. He asks for it. He genuinely asks for it. Because he knows now better, the poor sod. When you were on Strictly and I was having parties every week, there was ice coming out that freezer, that fry centre.

That's when he ate the most ice. Bless him. He loved it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. A very important question in life. Ooh.

Okay. If you could only have one or the other to have when going to sleep, would you rather have a pillow or a duvet? You can't have both.

Oh. I know. Duvet. You'd rather have a duvet. It would have to be duvet because I'll tell you why. I just quickly worked it out there.

If it was hot I would and I didn't need a duvet I'd roll it up and use it as a pillow. there. If it was hot and I didn't need a duvet, I'd roll it up and use it as a pillow. If it was cold, I'd need the duvet because pillow or not, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Right, okay.

So that one. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd need the duvet as well because what if the monsters get you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what if the demons grab your feet? Yeah. At 33 years old, honestly,

I cannot put my feet out that bed. When you're home, I can. Really? When you're away, I can't. I'm not saving you, I'm running. You think your leg's going to get grabbed by a demon and I'm going to go back, demon. I'm going to go, two seconds.

I'll go and get me demon catcher and you'll just hear my car start. Do you know an ex-boyfriend did that to me once, you know? I love this. Yeah, explain. I don't think you've

talked about this on the podcast, so you've just been to see. What film was it? Paranormal Activity. Paranormal Activity. Yeah. Horrible.

I hate horror stories. Yeah, yeah. Terrifying. Fast asleep, he went in the toilet, came back and he pulled us out of bed. Because in the film she gets pulled out of bed yeah horrible I hate horror stories yeah yeah terrifying fast asleep he went in the toilet came back and he pulled us out of bed because in the film

she gets pulled out of bed and he pulled you out by your leg I was asleep it was awful did you cry? I cried I can't say it I do cry

in a weird perverse sort of twist of reality I know people don't normally like hearing about when their partner talks about their exes I love him for that it was horrible great joke it was absolutely

I would never do that joke on someone but that is very very very funny I wonder how many people when they watch Paranormal Activity pulled their partner out of bed that day I bet it was a lot probably loads oh my gosh

it would be so many now with TikTok and instant like people doing pranks yeah I hate pranks though I think I was single when that film came out,

so I can't know. Oh, babes. No. If you want, do you want to watch it again? I'll just... No, horrible. I hate it. I hated that.

I was always scared of horror films and then there was that thing where they went, like the whole horror industry went, do you know what? Do you know how they're really scary already? Let's like make them look real, like they're happening to you. Like Blair Witch came out

and it was like, oh oh this is real by the way I was like fuck this I don't like horror films some people some people watch horror films at two o'clock in the afternoon oh madness

yeah just you know yeah but I've got who is it there's someone we know who I can't picture who it is

who loves horror films I can't think who it is at the top of my head who is it I can't remember but they just that's all they watch. They'll be having a nice relaxing night in.

Watching the Babadook. Glass of wine. Popcorn. I'm really intrigued by them, but I'm terrified of them. I think they'd be good in scary situations. What, horror films? What do you mean? People who like horror films.

Oh, people who like horror films. You'd think they wouldn't be scared of stuff. I thought you meant with horror films. No, I meant I'm intrigued by horror films, not people who watch them. you think and they wouldn't be scared of stuff yeah i thought you meant with horror films no i mean i'm intrigued by horror films not people who watch all right okay so like when it came out and other things and like babadook i've always heard that's good and i always think oh i wonder how it's that scary but i'm too scared to watch it i don't want to do it i watched that bird box thing which has got the blindfold on i didn't see that was it good yeah because there's not there's nothing there you can't see what they see choir place is good oh fucking amazing yeah again i don't know i think i think i could watch choir place because i was like that's just jim from the office man

do you know what i mean and his wife i think it's yeah i think it's yeah like i think i'm all right when they're really big actors because i can sort of separate myself from it but things like bla Witch The Ring shit the bed when the Japanese Ring came over I watched the Japanese Ring that might have been the last horror that really really

upset us and spoiled me day maybe it was because we were younger possibly if we watch them now as fully fledged adults might not be as scary

no no no should we watch one no can you remember series one of Stranger Things oh yeah that was a bit scary we fucking crept around the house

Like the place was haunted When we watched that We had to stop watching American Horror Story American Horror Story Had to stop watching that as well We're just pathetic We're bollocks, yeah

We're just a couple of fucking wimps I'm scared of the dog It's over Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bah You're invited To an immersive listening party Led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. of evil. It's all... No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello Rosie and Chris.

Hello. I wondered if I might be able to ask some advice. Always. Always. We're here to help. I recently bought my first house. Show off. And it's fair to say that it's a bit of a project. Got you.

The couple who owned it for the last 30 years were in their 60s and have moved away to the North East where, hey. Big love. But they weren't great fans of cleaning or indeed DIY. I was ripping out some wardrobes this weekend thankfully wearing gloves and above the sliding door rails found a screwdriver. Nothing I wouldn't have

expected. Although I chuckled at how long they might have looked for it. Very true. Further on the rail I found what I assumed was another screwdriver so took it down. Only to find it was a very

old 8-inch dildo. Why? Why have you put 8-inch into that description? Why was that needed? I like it though. I can see it. Can you see it? Yeah, but that's a very good description. That's one step shy of putting them

fucking make and model. Yeah, true. What I thought mean, very good description. That's one step shy of putting them fucking make and model. Yeah, true. What I thought was a screwdriver was actually the Philips 442 Vibratron 25 8-inch dildo. They don't exist, by the way. What? What you've just said. Okay. Well, it'd be pretty fucking weird if I named a dildo perfectly.

You'd be like, what are you doing? I obviously made that up. Or did I deliberately make that up because I actually am au fait with every kind of dildo perfectly you'd be like what are you doing? I obviously made that up or did I deliberately make that up because I actually am au fait with every kind of dildo. Possibly. Well there you go. You'll never know. I don't want to know. It's fair to say I was immediately grossed out and threw it across the room.

Great. I was immediately grossed out threw it at me friend. I don't really know how you could forget your dildo. But then again, I've heard so many stories on your podcast that I shouldn't be surprised really. Nothing surprises me anymore. Yeah, you're right. So my question is this.

Do I, A, get rid of the dildo discreetly, have a laugh with friends and try to move on from my trauma. Or B, leave the dildo with some belongings the previous owners left in the garage and plan to collect after the lockdown madness ends. Right, so my initial question, when you said... Sorry, that's from Charlotte in Halifax. Hi, Charlotte. When you initially said the... What was it you said?

Do I A, get rid of the dildo? I was like, what, you fucking still got the dildo? She's got it, yeah. But you don't know what these people, what if that person goes above the, have you been in the wardrobes yet, in the spare bedroom? Was my dildo there? Was my great-grandma's dildo there that she handed down?

Honestly, huge, no. Was my great-grandma's dildo there that she handed down? Honestly, huge sentimental value. That is irreplaceable. That is irreplaceable. I can't believe it. What would you do? Would you put it in on that? I honestly, just thinking now,

put myself in that scenario. I'm looking around our house imagining it was here and that they were coming back to collect something I would put all of their belongings in a box and I would put the dildo

on top of the box and I'll go your belongings are there no you wouldn't that was on top of the cupboard by the way just for a laugh would you

you would actually yeah because it's after lockdown I'm just planning now if they're the first people if they're going to come after lockdown because this has changed me. I'm losing my fucking mind in here. So I would go, do you know what?

I would do that because back in the day, I probably wouldn't have done it. And now after lockdown, I'm going to do more things that I wouldn't do before and stop taking things for granted. So fucking right, I'd have it on top of the box. Would you throw it at them going, there's your dildo, your slag.

I literally, I would just be like, I don't know how you've coped you in lockdown without this bad life i'll put batteries in for you trying now it's still working don't mind i popped it up had a little shot it's still going oh but then do you remember a few weeks ago it did go in didn't it when we were chatting about the last two left the dild, the dildo? Left her dildo. It did go in, didn't it? She said. Left the dildo at the hotel. At the hotel. But you hadn't. It was in a suitcase. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she might... Let's not forget, we've also had the story of the guy who brought a girl back to his house then went through to his mum's room and got his mum's dildo and brought it back through and tried to use it on her. Oh, my word.

I forgot all. Chris, I had buried that. I'd buried that deep. Ooh, there's the third option. Bury the dildo in the garden. Might grow a dildo tree. That would be nice, actually. Start a little website.

Dildotree.com Organic dildos growing out of everyone's garden. Vegan, organic dildos. From the earth. I've got one here right now this is it was one of those stories as I read it I was just like no it's not going to no oh no

so I'm not making fun of this and I'm not saying this is great but just don't get sad or offended just put yourself in the situation imagine how these people felt is all i'm gonna say as a disclaimer yeah for the listeners and for you okay hi chris and rosie i thought this story might be something uh of both of your streets my other half and i had not been together very long when we were traveling back from my parents house one evening my other half lived brackets at the time in a little town in the middle of nowhere between cumbria and northumberland the roads were notoriously vomit

inducing and quite often had wildlife running amok at the time everything he did i was impressed by brackets i love this brackets obviously not anymore after three kids close brackets yeah the impressed part of the relationship becomes a lot less impressive wow good i used to be honestly it was your language i was so impressed by but you kind of fucking string a sentence together these days we soon found ourselves face to face with a small herd of sheep and lambs oh dear i thought as i turned to my heroic partner and asked his advice because i was driving he soon bucked up and decided to get out of the car brackets in pitch black in the middle of Norway to herd said sheep back into the field

they had fled from. I was watching in amazement from the car thinking how did I get so lucky to have such a caring man. Nevertheless the last sheep to be herded to safety was a lamb. It was having none of it. My other half then out of, grabbed the lamb up into his arms like a big heroic sheep saver and walked towards the fence opposite where the other sheep had gone. I thought it looked a bit odd at first, but then, even more so to my horror, I realised what was about to happen. We were halfway up a fellside with steep inclining drops, which were very difficult to see in the dark. My other half, all fuelled up on his heroism, stepped to the edge of the fence and hurled the poor lamb back to the

field he thought it had came from. It wasn't. It was a sheer drop. I watched as he threw the lamb over the fence, literally off a cliff. I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing at the sheep getting hurt. I'm laughing at this poor fucking lamb. Imagine that.

He killed the lamb. Well, she said, I brought the news when he got back to the car. He was all sweaty and out of breath, like a murderer might be. The poor lamb was just having a chill on the road and it suddenly found itself flying through the air in the darkness.

I still hope to this day that it managed to survive, but it quite often pops into my mind. Oh my goodness like come on back in your field and they're all like they're just running into the top jesus don't get involved oh god should have just beeped your horn they knew where they were going he's chased them off a fucking cliff i love that only one of them was like no that's a cliff the rest were like no no have you heard my lamb impression by the way really you've got a lamb impression i do yeah okay yeah yeah oh it's not very i haven't done it for a while. Hang on.

It's gone really downhill. It used to be really good. It's gone downhill. It's gone downhill. I love what I said in small. Me lamb impression has gone downhill. It used to be really good. I blame the lockdown. I blame the lockdown.

Do you know what? I haven't heard a lamb to base it on. I'm a YouTube lamb, but it's honestly the sound it gets to you need to hear them in real life fucking idiot that used to be really good ask kate and kevin no i'm not gonna ask your brother and sister i had the best lamb impression great because me nana used to have a little cottage at orange i once phoned up night owls on metro radio and won the lamb impression competition. You need to be a previous listener to get that joke.

Hang on, one more. That was better. If you stay away from the mic, it'll sound better. Oh. If you're listening to this, why are you listening to this, why? Why are you listening to this? You've not got anything better to do.

Fuck, mate. This is terrible. Stop it. Fucking stop it. She grabs her nose while she's doing it, by the way. She grabs her nose while she's doing it by the way she grabs her nose leans her she grabs her nose

leans her head back and drops her mouth open like a fucking just like a like a cupboard stop it you can't do it

it's getting worse I'm gonna try no see yours is too yours is too generic yours is yours is too like that's what people if someone just goes

all out and they go mine's more that's what they sound like you ever noticed you ever noticed when you drive past a field of sheep one of them's always

staying out yeah you ever noticed that that sheep one of them's always staying you out yeah you ever notice that that was one of my first routines when I did stand up so when you drive past a field of sheep you not notice one of them's always just like giving it large staring at you that was your first ever routine yeah it wasn't very good sounds

shit dear Chris and Rosie I'm writing in to you on behalf of my dad dot dot dot a firefighter Big up Robin said he wanted to be

a fireman the other day Did he? Yeah Wow So I was like go for it I go to mum and dad's for tea most weeks

and quite often my dad will fill me in with some of the weird jobs he has been to that week Got ya Most of the time it's horrific car crashes and he tells me all of the gory bits heavens above then i drive home shitting myself thinking i'm going to die lovely bit of a weekly dinner isn't it that'll be friday night dinner will be a different show altogether if you got them around and just told them about all the car crashes. Your dad was a firefighter. Fucking 999. God, I remember 999.

999. Such a good show, 999. I love that. I've got a really vivid memory of a dog covered in wasps. Jesus. Do you remember? That was on 999. There was a dog.

That's the darkest thing I've ever heard. I've got a really vivid memory of a dog covered in wasps that's like something someone in some kind of asylum would say on a film

head to toe head to toes head to toe that's horrible covered in wasps on 999 oh crikey should we explain 999

right so if you don't 999 used to be it was just like a it was like a it was almost like casually but real99 used to be it was just like a it was like a it was almost like casually but real life wasn't it it was just a show

where they just told you awful stuff that happened basically it was like Jess the paramedic who used to write in to us

yeah big up Jess don't know where you are people are missing you by the way I know I get a lot of emails basically if she had

her own TV show just telling you all the horrible shit that happened yeah so a dog covered in wasps yeah I don't know why you was

I think you went in the loft and he got covered in wasps. Jesus. Really vivid. Black and white dog. Yeah. Do you remember Strange But True? That was good. Yes, I do remember Strange But True.

Do you remember Are You Afraid of the Dark? No. Okay. Well, that was terrifying. What was that about? You know, I remember when they used to all sit around the campfire. It was on Nickelodeon. I would only watch it when we made it across the road we

made it across the road at sky but it would be like submitted for the approval of the midnight society and they would hoist some sand on the fire and they would say

like the story of the dollhouse that came to life or whatever and then they'd tell the story it was fucking scary for a kid show i think did they make that into a board game

i don't know but trust your childhood to be remembering a shitty board game version of a tv show that everyone else because my older cousins dean and philip one of them had a board game where you had you put the video on right and it was like a witch right and it was really scary and i remember i had to sneak when we went around my auntie's house i had to sneak in the room because my mom didn't want me uh me and my brother to watch it so the older kids my older cousins would be all playing this board game and me and my brother so there's like me kev and my cousin sophie because we were the

youngest and nina sometimes we'd be like at the door watching this board game watching them play this board game i kind of weirdly vividly remember this yeah it's a video and you had to follow the board game but there was like and it used a video and you had to follow the board game but there was like and it used to pop so you'd have it on the background you'd be playing the board game and then all of a sudden

this witch would be like and if you get to number 14 you won't see your mummy again Christ I'm alive it was really intense can I just say

your witch impression is far and above better than your lamb impression thank you smashing it Robin loves a witch impression but she's above better than your lamb impression. Thank you. Smashing it. Robin loves a witch impression, but she's gone

German. I don't know why. She's quite posh there. You think a witch is the best? Yeah, she's German when you do that. She's German when

you deliberately put that German accent on. But that's the way it goes. But anyway, I can't remember what that's called, but that was... Okay.

We've gone right off topic. Yeah. There were some mad board games back in the day, weren't there? There's mad ones now. An we've gone right off topic yeah there were some mad board games back in the day weren't there there's mad ones now

an advert for one that keeps coming on is like you put a big mat out and you put some fake dog shit on and it's don't step in the dog shit is that what it's called it's like it's a board game now kids you don't see the advert

it's on the sometimes if you watch it's like PJ Masks or something and there's adverts on right and it's literally like don't step in the dog poo and it's just a mat

like a twister mat, but longer. Twister in real life. But it's like, I'll just walk down the cut next to it. Half twister. If you want to play that, Robin,

I'm not buying it. Walk down the cut next to the cemetery and play it for real. If you want, you can come back and play with a horse while you clean your fucking shoes. Don't step in the dog shit. What's going on?

Don't step in the dog shit. The run out of ideas, Chris. Yeah. Okay, so, back to the story yeah anyway sometimes we get some proper weird ones and i thought i would share this one with you wonderful the first was on a regular smoke alarm fitting job my dad was driving the fire engine and two of the lads went to the lady's house to change the alarms they knock at the door explain they have come to fit the alarms one is to go in the living room and one is to go in the upstairs landing one of the lads is still

stood at the door talking to the lady and the other goes in to do the job this lady is a hoarder i know so he wades through her house of all the stuff to the landing, upstairs landing. Then suddenly legs it downstairs into the front garden and stands there heaving. Oh. Without saying anything, they walk straight back to the fire engine where my dad is waiting. My dad asks what is going on. Once they have stopped heaving and laughing, they explain, Once they have stopped heaving and laughing, they explain this woman had been hoarding used tampons in her bath for years.

No. No way. It was full. Oh. So I just want to say, you think me leaving mine mine, on the back of the system... Sorry, yes. Wrapped in toilet paper. Sorry, that's still really bad. Don't you dare...

I bet you we didn't even fucking get this email. You just wrote this yourself. You can't do that. You can't go, you know that disgusting thing I do? Well, some dirty bitch has got a bath full, so I'm alright. No, no, no, no. Take it back. No.

Take it back. She's horrendous, but she has obviously clearly got some kind of illness, so I'm all right. No, no, no, no. Take it back. No. Take it back. She's horrendous, but she has obviously clearly got some kind of illness, which she has to hoard it. And you can't, you're a mink. Honestly, that's like going, well, I know I didn't stack the dishwasher, but there's murderers? Oh, sorry, yeah, you didn't murder us. Happy days, well done.

Can you imagine? That's unbelievable. How much? For a swim? How much for a swim in that bath? A little dip, how much? Are you going to put water in it as well or do I just have to jump straight in?

I can imagine it'll be pretty moist. Imagine the bottom. Oh my God. How much? I'll start you off. Yeah? 50 grand. Nah, not a chance no way

how long do I have to stay in 10 seconds 10 seconds 60 grand 70 80 90 100 grand

you're going to have to buy a Sam Smith's house if you want us to do this really you wouldn't get in the bath full of used tampons? No, especially not if I'd met her. Million? Go on then. What do you do for a million? I get her on the phone.

Who's funding this, by the way? Oh, just imaginary. Monopoly. Imaginary Monopoly evil Bond villain who wants you to do stuff. It's the bitch! Is it going to be in euros? stuff yeah all right then oh is it gonna be in euros extra interest shit at the minute i'll not bother i'll not bother i'll not bother

hi rosie and chris hope you are well and surviving just thank you babes thanks i just wanted to know how either of you would feel in this situation and what you would have done. It's nothing gross, by the way. Sorry to disappoint Chris. That's fine. That's fine. I was in a happy marriage and was just approaching my 10-year anniversary with two small kids.

When I accidentally opened a letter that was meant for my husband, we obviously had the same surname but also had the same first name initial so the letter came to mr d whatever whatever right i opened it without realizing the mister on the envelope only to open a letter from the child support agency telling my husband he owed 89 000 pounds backdated almost 17 years for the five children he had this was big news to me i knew he had one of the children as i looked after him like one of my own to cut a long story short he didn't think i needed to know about the kids he had from one night stands before we met as he didn't think it had anything to do with me

just wondered what you guys think about this and do you think i was unreasonable to kick him out that very same day and not allow him back in the house unsurprisingly i divorced him as soon as i could and lived happily ever after um and it said on the end here i think I'll try and do a poo one next time poo story thank you for that she divorced him though that's a bit harsh I'm kidding of course it's not I'd fucking had to killed him

oh my god five kids you wonder how people sleep at night when there's just I mean that's yeah I

I could never be that laid back no I mean I can't sleep if I've left you know if I've left the bin out yeah

if the bin's gone out in the morning they've emptied it then I go to bed and I think oh bin's still out empty I think oh

people are putting bags of dog poo in that do you know what I mean imagine five bins five bins out costing you

89 grand heavens above oh my god what a dick just thought it was quite interesting I can't believe it I mean she definitely

did the right thing yeah I agree even though she was married to him 10 years you have to he thought it had nothing to do with her who's having

five kids on one night the first time that happens you go I am gonna wear a condom or never have a one night stand again or pull out or do anything i'm fucking hell doesn't always work pulling out chris well what with a condom when it does it doubles it up well condom and pull out can't recommend it enough heard it from mr fertility from Mr Fertility himself that is crazy £5,000 I can't believe it how much was it?

£89,000 we should get that tampon woman on the phone see if she'll got that bath if that deal's still going he'd have done it for £89,000 mate he'd have done it for a tenner I reckon babadoo babadoo babadoo bah

so a while ago we did a story on the podcast a letter that came in and then then there was articles about the said thing. Lad Bible had a big thing about it. It was about the whole pooing in the shower thing, right? Remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was like, we did the story about it, and then afterwards, about a couple of months later, it became this massive thing. Oh, in Norway, didn't it? Yeah, it was like there was a survey and everything. It was crazy, right? Okay.

Now, I've never spoke to or had any correspondence with anyone who has admitted to doing this. We've got an email from someone. Oh, my gosh. Listen to this. Oh. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous,

as I don't know which of our friends listen to the pod, and I fear... Pod's irritating. And I fear the embarrassment is just too strong for my partner to handle okay um every now and then i listen with my fiancee we were listening to one of the he's wrote pod again we were listening to one of the pods stop it we were listening to one of the pods he's a busy guy leave him alone just cast we were listening to one of the pods where you were talking about squishing turds down the shower plug hole.

And I said to my fiancé, who would ever do that? That is disgusting. Now, it's important to note that I was sat in front of her with my back to her as I was playing games on the TV at the time. And all I heard back from her was utter silence. Guilt. heard back from her was utter silence guilt confused i turned around and was greeted by a look of pure guilt oh i told her she needed to elaborate immediately so i could send this into the pod stop saying pod she then really fucking starting to wind us up now she then proceeded to tell me the story that she had never told anyone before. One time at a music festival,

she was taking a shower in one of those cabins with a few showers in it when disaster struck. I don't know if this was a thing for, yuck indeed, I don't know if this was a thing for other people, but she realised that she needed to go number two. She had no way of having one because there was no toilet around,

just the shower. She then convinced herself that she panicked so much that she needed to poo immediately simply because of this sort of conundrum she was in. Mid-shower and unable to leave to go to the toilet, she decided to do the deed in her cubicle. She then started to break it up with her foot and squash it down the plug hole. Problem solved. Or at least she thought. What? it down the plug hole problem solved or at least she thought what shortly after she began to hear

shrieks and screams coming from the other cubicles the squashed poo had only started to seep back up through the plug holes in the other cubicles they're all ran on one pipe so it's good horror had to turn to decisiveness pretty quickly what did she do stay in her cubicle and avoid embarrassment

no she decided to join in with the panic and run out of her cubicle in disgust pretending she was also a victim

yep well done love well done great I've done the same similar thing myself not with not with pooping down the shower but yeah well done love well done I've done the same thing myself not with not with

pooping down the shower but yeah well done oh just incredible do you know

what if she if she did just you know some of them are like I was just

in the shower and I couldn't be arsed to get out and go to the toilet yeah that one's fair enough I kind of

can say that because she's at a music festival and do you know what I mean? Great though. But I love that she got out and was like, this is...

I'm never coming here again. How dare you? I've done that with trumps before. Have you done that before? Oh, I've farted and went crazy before. I blame most of mine on Robin. It's great. I've done it at work

whenever you've been at work in the past when I used to work in the past when i used to when i used to work in offices and stuff and pumped and be like oh hey i did it all the time at the nursery yeah used to blame the kids well once and for all we have proved once and for all that in fact whoever smelt it did indeed always always case then you're joking did you I just came like excitedly you actually

oh I tell you what babadoo babadoo babadoo bah thank you so so much for listening to this week's Shag Mardenoid which is now part of the

Acast creator network thank you thank you indeed sellout thank you so much and we hope you're all well we hope you're all safe

we hope you're all getting through this time please feel free to email shagmardenoid at all well. We hope you're all safe. We hope you're all getting through this time. Please feel free to email shagmoudanoid at gmail.com if you've got any confessions, any stories, anything at all you think might interest us. We bloody love hearing from you. Thank you. See you next week, guys.

Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play