Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 65. Love Birds

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

It's episode 65 of the podcast and Chris is officially a 'bike guy' but Rosie has some rules about this escalating hobby. The pair discuss breastfeeding, piercings, bad wedding presents and ghosts. There is some brilliant utensil based beef and angry Sharon from the pub makes an appearance to discuss her new club. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Unannoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who you'll all be glad to know I didn't stab.

Wow. Wow. Is that, yeah? Was that a thing? I said last week. Right. Surprised I haven't stabbed him yet. Right. Obviously, I mean, it's all a joke. Yeah, yeah. Should be my husband, Chris Ramsey, who's living on borrowed time.

That is what it feels like, to be fair, during this lockdown. Doesn't it? During this whole podcast, during this entire experience. Rosie, it's episode 65. Jeez, look at you. I'm doing this forever.

It's older than our parents. If it were years. Right, yeah. God, that was painful. I went cross-eyed there trying to work that out. Guys, thank you so much for listening. It's episode 65. As always, thank you for always coming back.

We love you so much. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Now, Rosie, this is a sponsor I've been meaning to work with for a long time. Early days were lined up to be sponsored by these guys, early days. It slipped through the gap.

And finally, we've managed to make it work in the heat of the day. Great. This week's sponsor is... Crisps. days and slipped through the gap um and and finally we've managed to make it work right in the here today great this week's sponsor is crisps crisps hey have you not done this before nah listen to them all hadn't done them felt like i had hadn't done them hey see slip through the gaps all make sense crisps hey a little bit hungry before dinner have some crisps hey little bit hungry after dinner

have some crisps great yeah hey little bit more hungry instead of dinner crisp sandwich I've got one

oh yeah hey grown up in a family of five hide them in your knicker drawer that doesn't work we'll edit that one out

they're not going to they're not going to're not gonna like that they don't want knickers being mentioned alongside their product all right okay yeah yeah no no no hey don't want them in your knickers stop it you're a bit crunchy you're literally losing money you'll cut your vagina that was quite funny and awful there's more about the flavor and the salt getting in there anyway what it's awful you've almost ruined the last bit the salt getting in there. Unless they're wotted. Awful. You've almost ruined the last bit, the final bit.

Oh God, how could I ruin this? They're trying to move into like a higher, like, you know, like a higher level of society. They're on the wrong podcast. Fair point.

But the last one was, feeling posh? Put them in a bowl. Crisps. I thank you. I'll give you... Yeah, yeah, okay, great. Well done.

Very good. Oh, here's a jingle. Fuck me. I was laughing at your jaw! Oh, yeah. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Hello, morshores. Welcome back. Guess what? What? I'm in a flippin' good mood.

I'm in a really good mood, actually. What? Is this... What's going on? I really am. Both in a good mood together? Yeah, this never happens. What? No, that's not...

Let's not be silly. Let's not be silly here. We're in our good mood, if anything. Oh, we're still... Are we locked locked up i don't know if we're locked up still we're still locked up we're semi locked i think it's um a bit well i don't know i think we kind of are right if you if you use your common sense like we are you know you're not opening yourself up to seeing everybody it's still we are still need to use a common sense don't kind of just

have a barbecue with all your mates around. We're not there yet, right? We're not there yet. But you can meet another member of your family in the park. Yeah, out in the open spaces.

Yeah. So. Rosie, I went for a bike ride yesterday. I cycled along, spoke to a lad. Well, I overtook him because I'm fast

and I'm a bike guy. Yeah. Then he overtook me because I forgot my sunglasses and I got a fly guy. Yeah. Then he overtook me because I forgot my sunglasses and I got a fly in my eye, so I had to stop. Then I overtook him again and asked him if the path went to the quayside. And it turns out he was in sixth form,

up at six, at Harton School. So he was there when I was doing my dancing training. And he wanted a selfie because his sister listened to the podcast. And I said, take the selfie and make sure you tell your sister that you know for a fact I'm a bike guy because you've seen us on my bike. Great. Boom. So you talked to a stranger yesterday?

Rosie, I'm talking to strangers at the minute more than ever. More than ever. Wow. Yeah. I had a lovely little day. I went all the way along the riverside, the quayside. You go through, there's a pedestrian tunnel. Oh, please, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm stopping you here. Right. I'm stopping you here. Okay. Because this is one of me beefs. Are we there already? Look, are we in a good mood? tunnel no no no no i need no i'm stopping you here right i'm stopping you here because this is one of me beefs are we there all right look we were in a good mood don't tell people your bike route because nobody gives a shit i wasn't gonna say that no no no no if you're gonna be a bike guy that's fine right i'm really chuffed for you you've lost weight you look great right blah blah

blah right jealous no nobody wants to know where you've been on your bike. Nobody wants to know where anyone has been on their run. Stop telling us. Are you saying I shouldn't upload the little map of how far I've done to Facebook and Instagram? God, no. Okay, are you sure about that? Nobody cares. Right, because everyone seems to do that and I feel like everyone needs to know.

No. What about if I just phone everyone in my phone book and tell them which way I went? What if I painted each route on the side of our house? All I was going to say was, I went down the... No, stop. No, we don't care. My mate said it was,

you can get all the way down the river either side. My mate Sean, he said, you can get all the way down the river either side. I thought you meant that lad you were talking to. Well, he's also my mate. My bike mate. Hey, ride together, die together. Bike boys for life. the river either side that lad you were talking to well he's also my mate bike bike mate um hey ride together die together bike boys for life that's that's a motorcycle club it's actually

bad boys the movie but i just changed it so what i'm saying is my mate said sean said oh you can go down the river on either side and i was like that's amazing i've never done that halfway i was like i know i've never done this it's literally the route should be called take this route if you want to be on the local news for finding a dead body oh really it was the roughest and at one point i went past this like pub car park and the pub was shut down and i looked over and there was loads of vans parked and like buses and things and i was like what the hell is this and i realized it was the scene someone sent me a viral video at the weekend of like um loads of people breaking social distancing because there was a bare knuckle boxing match in a car park it was that and i

stopped and i took a photo and i was like and i took a video for me mates on my zoom i was like lads look i found the site where everyone was having the bare knuckle boxing my mate went past on his bike again he was like are you all right i was like i'm just just on my holidays taking photos of all the sites that was great great. Thank you for sharing that with us. Ride together, die together. Bike boards for life. I've got nothing to say to it because it just infuriates me. Because it's perfect.

It needs nothing added. Been having a lot of thinking time, obviously, recently. Yeah. Sorry, are you breaking up with me? What? Oh, no. It's just something people say when... Chris, if I was ever going to do it,

that's not how I would do it. I would ghost the shit out of you. Oh, really? Yeah, I just wouldn't answer any of your calls. It's impossible to ghost me. Good luck. I'm tenacious. Yeah, you are.

A pain in the arse. I know I've just been thinking about, you know, life's a bit different now. Obviously, we've got the podcast. You know, jobs-wise, people are thinking about jobs being furloughed. I don't know how to explain this,

but there's a lot of people who've lost their jobs recently and it's really shit. But I was thinking, I was like, if I had lost my job, what would I want to do instead? And I was kind of thinking about jobs that I might want to do. And honestly, you know what came top?

What? I would actually really like to work in a supermarket yeah and pick people's shopping for the deliveries all right get some walk around filling the things yeah people do that because I just think it'll be really interesting to be like right what's these people getting and you'd group all the stuff together you'd be like yep yep I knew you'd get that yeah I know what they're having for tea yeah oh getting all the stuff up bolognese and you're not putting carrot in yeah i'd be judging i'd be like oh no garlic all right i totally get on board with that however personally i couldn't take the pressure of having to put something else in when something substituted oh no no i can't do that

when you put something on the list rosie and I go to the shop for you, and the thing you want isn't there, and I phone you and you don't answer your phone to tell us, I just stand in the supermarket, just still in silence, staring at the floor, panicking. I don't know what to do. I couldn't do it with someone else. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a lot of pressure. Well, do you know, there was one time we got a home delivery, you know, when we used to get them. And I'd put cod, two cod pieces on the thing and the man came bless him he's a lovely man who delivers the shopping and he was like they didn't have any cod so i got you some salmon and i was like it's a completely different kind of yeah i remember that i remember that i spat on his face for that that was when you're still like no that was when you're still like speaking people's faces remember but I was just like, that's... That was a rookie, rookie mistake.

That is, yeah. Sorry. That's like saying, oh, they didn't have any French baguette, so I got you some crumpets. Yes. It's kind of similar, but it's also fucking so different.

I know. Salmon and... Oh, I'm having battered salmon and chips for me tea. Yeah. But all that is to me is, he's not the cook of the house. No, no. But he did it himself, so he goes around the shop and then he drives it out yeah that's what they do isn't that a nice little job i would quite like that so that's me that's my plan

guy came to fix my car the other day on the drive and he was like i was like how's it all for you how's this lockdown and everything he was like great he was like i literally drive around roads are empty he was like i was at the late district yesterday i was up at edinburgh the day before i was like honestly it was buzzing he was glowing he had the tan on his arm i've put his arm out the window one of his arms have been on holiday the other one had been in quarantine motorway tan had on do you know what job i'd like what job genuinely and i'm not taking the piss here i think it's a job you have to do either on mass, like you have to really go for it,

industrial scale, or you have to be kind of rich and then retiring to do it. Because I knew a guy who used to work in a jeweler's, but then he retired. Okay. Dog walker.

I'd love it. You'd love to be a dog walker. I'd love it. I even downloaded, when we did Jason Manfred's radio show, he told us about that app, that Borrow My Dog or whatever, where you go on.

So I downloaded the app where you can just go in your area and see who wants their dog walking, but I've never, I was too embarrassed. Why don't you do it? You've got loads of time on your hands. Well, I haven't got that much time, but... You have got a lot of time on your hands and you're absolutely doing sod all with it.

I think you'll find I'm pounding the pavements and cycle paths of the North East. Yeah. Making friends. Well, I wish you'd put the same amount of effort into wood cork and all the skirting boards. What? That you said you were going to do three weeks ago.

Oh, right. Because I haven't, right. Well, I can't go to B&Q because you've got to bloody click and collect or whatever. Oh, my dad's going to B&Q today. I could have got him some, I could have got him to get some decorator's cork and I could have done all the skirting boards.

Oh, why have I said that out loud? Oh. I want to walk dogs. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I need to take this moment to let you know that you are in the absolute minority of people who, as kids, used to stick their arms out and spin around to get a space in a home.

Oh, I've had nothing but shit on Twitter for this. I honestly am now wondering whether you actually went to school at all. Right. I feel like you might have been homeschooled and you're just living in this imaginary world. Both your schools have been knocked down, apparently. She did the speech mark thing with her fingers.

Knocked down. They don't exist. Yeah. Both your primary schools. Yeah. So I'm just, did you go to school, Chris? Now you can come clean

you've got a lovely career you've done well did you go to school? Yes I did go to school You didn't Chris You didn't You didn't spin round

I'm sure I went to school Right so the spinning round thing everyone has told me that that was a thing and that everyone did it and then people who went to my school i haven't spoken for years randomly tweeted us going we did that yeah you're wrong so i think i've just got people in on it have you no no paid people to tweet saying chris we did do it oh hey yeah well you were you're taking this

too far you're taking this too far right i'm I'm sure... Was your headteacher the same as mine? What was your headteacher called? Mr Newcombe. Right, mine was called Mam. What was your PE teacher called? What, at primary school? Just all of them? Right, yeah.

Mine was called Dad. I might have been homeschooled, actually. There were two teachers. And they were there in the morning when I woke up as well. how how far was it to walk to work to school sorry uh i was there i woke up there downstairs yeah i was homeschooled you were absolutely homeschooled yeah i didn't realize how big was your yard like massive right okay what was yours it's a garden it is yeah garden yeah how many pupils in your class? Including me, about like 28, 29.

Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah. How many were yours? Two. Oh, right. Yeah. Who was the other one?

Just me and a plant. You and a plant. Great. It's the sunflower I was growing. I'm glad we finally got to the truth. Honestly. Do you know what it is? I fucking hated being homeschooled. Can you imagine how shit that must be? Well, got to the truth. Honestly. Do you know what it is? I fucking hated being homeschooled.

Can you imagine how shit that must be? Well, this is the thing. Speaking of homeschool, a lot of people are doing it at the moment. Big, big props to all the parents out there who are homeschooling, putting the effort in. We are not. No, no, no.

Not at all. Robin's currently doing a PhD in Mario Odyssey. Yeah, he's doing really well. I'm really proud of him. He washed the windows yesterday and I put it on Instagram and I got a lot of messages from teachers saying that's actually really good

for his gross motor skills. Right, okay. So I just did it for a bit of content on Instagram. Turns out I'm a mint man. Right, okay. And he's learning loads of stuff. Gross motor skills? What's gross motor skills?

There's fine motor skills and there's gross motor skills and I can't remember the difference. I think gross motor skills is good for motor skills and there's gross motor skills and I can't remember the difference I think gross motor skills is good for like pen holding and things like that

so your movements and that I thought gross motor skills was like getting your dick out and that no they'll learn that they'll learn that later on

he's fucking joking he's already doing that every five minutes he's getting his todger out yeah because he's got he's got baleitis poor Ben's got a bloody fungal infection

and he's willy why I didn't mean to tell everyone I don't know why you've told the whole world that yeah poor Ben's got a bloody fungal infection and he's willy what a why I didn't mean to tell everyone I don't know why you've told the whole world that yeah but he's got I'm in shock

well this is another thing this is what's our life been like during blooming lockdown with Robin's health Robin's just picked things Robin's just

oh what's that mam and dad the doctors aren't readily available oh okay well I'll just have fucking loads of stuff wrong with us

for the crack so many I've bloody lived in that queue outside boots, creams and ointments and drops and fucking all kinds of shit.

Well, just quickly tell you, because he's not going to be listening to this for many, many years. They'll probably be dead and gone by then podcasts, but he's got

a bit of a boss eye, so his eye's gone a bit funny. Don't say boss eye. That might be upsetting to people who've got, you know, cross eyes. Is that not what it's called?

I don't know. It's one of them things where we'll get an email or a tweet going, I work for the Boss Eye Society of Shropshire and we are campaigning to get your podcast taken down. Do you know what I mean? Well, I just always knew it as a boss eye. Well, you know, one of his eyes is going inward when he watches the telly.

All our opticians are shut, so that's great. Well, just as well as a little side note, I did ring the doctors. I sent them a picture of him being cross-eyed, sorry. And she was great. You can still ring the doctors, and it's actually a really, really good service. Oh, they're brilliant, yeah.

And they are going to get back to you, aren't they? Yeah, and she has... When did they say they were going to get back to you? She didn't. Weeks ago, and they're not back to you. Fucking shit. Waste of time. No, I rang them again though

and it has been referred to a consultant and I actually think in normal circumstances that's what happens anyway. So we've just got to wait for that. Anyway, he then got a lovely little rash which was just great out of nowhere. I was like... Right, they had little spots and that happened.

Brilliant. So we've had to change all of the... For a kid who's already had chicken pox twice. Yeah. Like no kids get chicken pox twice. He's already had it twice. He literally was getting it again. And then, you know, he's got a little infection in his penile.

Yep. Which is just lovely. So he was just scratching his bits all the time. And we were like, Robin, can you stop doing that? He was walking around like a rapper, innit? Yeah. Yeah, he was. And then, so we had to take a little picture of his todge to the doctor which was a bit weird

that was weird that was a weird photo shoot i know that was very it was not it was not a nice experience and uh i've had to put cream on it ever since you won't do it i can't do it i can't do it i've never had a foreskin and the freak is out i don't like him at all the other day he was like daddy i can pull the skin back myself you know if I might put the cream on I was like really good boy well done

should I show you I went I'm alright and he's like come on I'll show you I went I'm alright you've got to make it not like no

you've got to kind of be like no son it's ok I was like come on Daddy's busy I don't want to see you pull your skin but oh honestly well that's his new

party trick now though Jesus Christ because I had to get him to do it to put the cream on now he won't stop doing it i'm like please i'm telling you one day the end of your penis away one day you're gonna go put the cream on he's gonna there's gonna be lego up there oh my word or other toys oh i don't even want to know so anyway he's absolutely fine but it's just been it's just been like trust him it's just why it's what he does it's what he does he's the kid who gets ill on a friday night i mean that's that's who he is he's just he's the kid who vomits

christmas eve yeah yeah yeah he has done that before yeah he has done yeah yeah is everything shut okay then i'll just be ill for a bit yeah yeah but you know what i wouldn't change him well i mean i'd fix his dick, but yeah. The rest of him's all right. Oh, don't. I bloody love him. He's actually, he's the only person, and I mean that, I really do mean that,

who's getting me through this lockdown. Good grief. No, he really is. But it's a total juxtaposition because he's the only person who actually cheers us up like genuinely like I love you right but you know

we're husband and wife we're getting on each other's nerves great but Robin can literally come and give me a cuddle or a hug and I'll just be like

inside just like you feel it you light up don't you when your kid cuddles you it's crazy but at the same time he's the one who's getting on my nerves

the most and it's really hard because I'm like, you're the one who cheers me up, but you're also the one who actually makes us really frustrated. And I just, I can't get it. I can't get the balance right in my head. But I think everyone's like that at the minute. People who don't have kids, honestly,

enjoy your Netflix on this lockdown, you lucky fucking whore. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello. Oh, here we go. All right, Chris. Which one's this? Oh, it's me,

Sharon. Do you remember Sharon? Oh, you're going to have to have Sharon from the pub. Oh, right. Yes, yes, yes.

She wouldn't finger you in a million years. That's me. That's you, yeah. Listeners might have to go back to get this narrative point. But yeah, come on then. Just wanted to see a penis in the podcast and I'm like a proper years that's me that's you yeah listeners might have to go back to get this uh to get this

narrative point but yeah come on then just wanted to say i've been listening the podcast and i'm like a proper fan now um and i've started a new group if you are just like any of your listeners to know because i'm like a trained woman right um it's called fingers anonymous and it's it's just what people like me who loved being fingered but didn't get fingered from their partners so it's a group that meets with me twice a week um at the local post office right just outside because it's closed at the moment but just wanted to let anyone know if they want to come along anyone's welcome

why are you getting fingered outside a post office why is this no Chris there's no fingering involved because they don't understand right what's the group for then it's for people who are obsessed with getting fingered

right so this is it's like it's trying to help people not have to be fingered all the time oh right that's where my aggression comes from Chris all the time

because I will I just wanted being I wanted to be poked constantly and now I think well I can't live like that do you know what I mean I had my lad under the table when I was eating my dinner and I just think I can't live like this anymore

so it's for people like that and it's a disease it's real Chris we've got 95 members already right okay how many fingers is that hundreds check out on facebook we've had to put a a different name though okay because i didn't want it to sound so obvious right Right, okay. It's called The Digit Detective. I said so awful. So,

just if you don't mind sharing that, I would be really grateful and I just want to apologise to Rosie for shouting at her in the pub because that was a bad day. Right.

I'd gone like at least four hours without having a finger. Right. So, you know. Okay, okay. Thank you so much. No problem.

Lots of love. Right. We've got a little Okay. Thank you so much. No problem. Lots of love. Right. We've got a little sign. You can't see it because I'm on, but it's just two fingers in the air like that. You put it in your mouth, you go... Right. Like that.

Yeah. Okay. Have you ever thought of them big foam fingers that you take to sports events? What about them? That would be good. That would be amazing. That would be good, yeah.

Right. Thank you. See, this has been really helpful. Copyright Chris Ramsey 2020. You've gone up there. Thank you. All right. No, there's no thank you. You've gone up there. It's mine now. All right be good, yeah. Right, thank you. See, this has been really helpful. Copyright Chris Ramsey 2020. You've gone out there. Thank you. Alright. No, there's no thank you. You've gone out there. It's mine now. Alright, okay. Yeah. Great. Bye now.

You know what the weirdest bit about most of the beefs is? And them characters. You just sound like your brother. You look a bit like your brother as well. The face you pull when you're doing them. It really freaks us out. Friends of mine and your brothers have messages going, she just sounds like Kev. You look a bit like your brother as well. The face you pull when you're doing them. It really freaks us out. Friends of mine and your brothers have messages going, she just sounds like Kev. No. Yeah. You just sound like Kev. It's hilarious. I really wanted it.

Why couldn't I get Kev on the phone last time? I don't know. Should I try and get his voice? You sound exactly like him. So you think my brother Kevin sounds like all of the beefs? All of them. You look like him as well when you're doing it. Okay, so I'm just really quickly going to ring my little brother to see if Chris is right. You sound exactly like him as well when you're doing it. Okay, so I'm just really quickly going to ring my little brother to see if Chris is right.

You sound exactly like him. Here we go. Frightening. Hello? Hiya, Kev, it's me. You all right? Yeah, yeah, you? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just ringing you just because we're just doing the podcast and Chris reckons that I do a character in the podcast and it sounds like you. So do us a favour and just say, my name is Kevin Winter, I live in South Shields, just whatever you want. Right, right. Tell us when. Now.

My name's Kevin Winter and I'm a ploughster and I live in South Shields. Absolutely brilliant. There we go. I tell you what, Kev, do you want to give your ploughster business a little plug? Oh, go on then. Go on. Redhead Ploughster and Property Services I tell you what Kev do you want to give your plastering business a little plug oh go on then go on er

Redhead Plastering and Property Services we're on Instagram and Facebook there we go right yeah I read pet right

that's it that's it that's it I'll ring you later I need more like that guys because you're so bye

love you bye bye word of warning if you do get Kev to plaster your house he will stop halfway through

to take a phone call to be on a podcast yeah he's actually busy doing hours now bless him do you really

think yeah yeah I think he put a bit of a posh voice on he's obviously in a client's house there

yeah yeah get a couple of pints of them you'll hear him so what's your beef then what's your beef house there. Yeah, yeah. Get a couple of pints of them, you'll hear them. Yeah, yeah. Kevin, where do I have a plaster of pints of you?

So, what's your beef then? What's your beef with me this week? Oh, hang on, let's get my beef. I've got mine, I've got mine ready,

ready and ready to go, mate. Right, okay. It's in the chamber, cock locked and ready to rock. Right. How are you then?

My beef with you this week is, you did something the other night that was absolutely infuriating. Some might say it was a bit controlling a bit of gaslighting which have accused me of in the in the past um i was backed into a corner that i couldn't get out of i was back into a corner that i couldn't

get out of uh and there was no way of not being in trouble once you'd once you'd set the ball rolling um and it was it was manipulative and it was awful but i rolling. And it was manipulative. And it was awful. But I did win, so it was great. What was it? You were making pasta the other night. You were making our tea. Because you're a lovely, fantastic cook. Yeah, look after the family, make the tea.

You turned to me and said, can you get me a colander? I said, yes. You said, get the colander out of the Jamie Oliver pan, the big Jamie Oliver pan, right? I said, the big Jamie Oliver pan, and you pointed at the cupboard, that has five Jamie Oliver pans in and one Ikea pan. I said, the Jamie Oliver colander, which one's that?

What do you mean? You went, oh, it's the big one in there. It's the Jamie Oliver colander, just get it. I said, that's the Ikea colander you went oh my god and i quote because i wrote it down and i quote i can't be bothered to argue with you chris it is the jamie oliver colander just get it out for us please and i thought i would normally leave that but that was incredibly rude and arrogant so this needs to be rectified immediately. I got it out.

I looked at it. You went. And I quote, because I wrote it down. Go on then. Have a look on the bottom now to see that it's definitely the Jamie Oliver one. I know I'm right and I can't be bothered to argue with you. I lifted up the pan and the colander. It said IKEA on the bottom.

Once I said, that says Ikea you then said you're such a dick and you didn't speak to us for five minutes you fucking maniac

I rest my case I really thought it was the Jamie Oliver one it wasn't was it you didn't just think it did you You absolutely believed it so much That you were such a dick about it Listen hang on

Hang on a minute Is that a little bit louder Is that alright I'm sorry Is that a little bit louder? Is that right? Yeah. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Yeah!

Me. Yes. I am sorry. Okay, good. I was very busy making the tea. Making the wholesome, lovely meatball pasta tea. Yeah, very good. Do you remember remember just as a little diversion possibly of this because I am sorry

for being a dick Robin don't like meatballs I hate meatballs I'm not eating meatballs

cook the meatballs let him turn them in the pan didn't I? I think he enjoyed that and then he ate four meatballs. So he normally

he won't have them in the pasta he'll go I don't like meatballs and he takes them out he ate them in the pasta he'll go I don't like meatballs and he takes them out he ate them before the pasta was ready

they were on a kitchen roll bit of kitchen roll letting the grease come out of them and he walked past and went and I froze

because he went to you mam can I have a meatball and I like froze and I looked and I was like fucks you gonna do this meatball

because I had an allocated amount of meatballs that I wanted if he eats them that's fine he's gonna throw it on the floor

I'm not having it ate four of them I've seen nothing like it He's going to throw it on the floor. I'm not having it. Yeah, eight for them. I've seen nothing like it. He's a psycho. The bullshitters. The bullshitters, kids. The amount of times he goes,

I don't like that. I won't eat it. And I go, just look, you can have a lolly or whatever. If you put it in your mouth, just try it.

Please. He puts it in his mouth and he goes, aww. And then he fucking has so much of it. He goes, aww,

it's actually quite delicious. Yeah. Wanker. Jerk. Jerk! Come on, what's your beef?. Yeah. Wanker. Jerk. Jerk! Come on, what's your beef? It won't be that one. And you're not getting an apology.

It was whatever it is. I don't care. I'm standing my ground. My beef with you. All right, I'm sorry. My beef with you at the minute is, and I don't know whether this is because we're spending a lot more time together or whatever, or you're just sick of us right but you you won't sit and talk to us anymore

and I'm really sad about it what Rosie what do you think we're doing now I know but any time I try to sit and talk to you recently you're like you're mostly in the living room if I sit and talk to you you get the TV remote you look at it but you point the remote at the telly I don't have it ready

but you look at it talking and I go well are you listening or are you going to press play and you're like I'm just getting it ready I'm like that's the

rudest thing I've ever known and then last night so this is let's tell them about last night this is a new thing that you've decided to do.

You take the flippin' Nintendo Switch up to bed, like a bloody massive black condom in your bedroom. The control pads are red and blue, but yeah. Conversation condom, that's what it is. And you don't speak to us anymore. I don't want to talk to us. Right, stop being so needy. I only took the Nintendo Switch so needy i only took the

nintendo switch up one night i did it last night because we'll play on mario odyssey me and robin but we're at the point now where we've gotten we'll literally have like there's 900 power moons on the game to collect we've literally got 890 moons or whatever 860 70 odd moons we've got a few to collect and they're hard and he goes let's go and get that and we'll go to get it and i die once because it's hard and he goes oh don't do that and i'm like and he keeps going do that when i'm not here daddy do that when i'm asleep daddy and i'm like mate i don't have i'm with you all the time i can't do that so last night i tried to do a couple of the harder ones all right sometimes in the living room you just will pause the telly and start a conversation about something mental and i'll be like this

is allocated time to watch the telly here but i do apologize because last night you took it weird and uh you rolled off the sofa and lay under the coffee table and fell asleep under the coffee table like a fucking cat so that was weird um and i was very aware that i'd upset you so you know what i will i will listen from now on i will listen to what you say and i will really pay attention from now on i just want to let you know that i didn't roll and sleep under the coffee table because I was upset. I rolled off the set A as a dramatic sort of like, I wanted to make you laugh type thing.

Rolled off the set A. Then I just kept rolling and it was actually quite comfy. I think it was because it was like in. And I used to sleep on a bunk bed, you know? So I think it's got some sort of... You know when you watch movies when people come back from war

and they can't sleep on a comfy bed and they sleep on the floor next to it it's like you're under a fucking coffee table. Mine's just a me bunk bed, I feel safe. Honestly, I think it's a subconscious thing of it. I used to sleep in it but I was on the top bunk so I think it's like the ceiling used to be right there.

I loved sleeping in a bunk bed. Did you ever sit up and hit your head off the ceiling? I think it was just okay enough. I mean, I could absolutely touch the ceiling. Like, I was at the ceiling. But I loved sleeping on a bunk bed, me. Kate underneath, me on the bottom. I mean, all we did was fight.

So it wasn't like happy times. Was it not a bit like prison? What do you mean? Bunk beds. No, I don't think so. Do they have bunk beds in prison? Or is that just on films? They do have.

I don't know. Never been. When bunk beds in prison or is that just on films? They do have, I don't know, never been. When you moved, when you moved or she moved, did you not feel it in the bed? Yeah. Was that not annoying? Chris, when you've got no other option, do you know what I mean? You've just got to put up with it. You could have went and slept on another coffee table. I bloody could have.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bop. conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmarinoid at gmail.com. Send us your questions, send us your hopes, your dreams,

your lockdown stories, your dilemmas, your office polls, whatever you like. I meant to tell you I was going through the emails yesterday. And do you know how on social media and stuff like that you get like bots messaging you? Yeah. I think we had some bots emailing saying like, hello, beautiful, how are you? Oh, no, no, no, no. They were for me. Just ignore them. I'll we had some bots emailing saying like hello beautiful how are you?

Oh no no no they were for me just ignore them. I'll get back to them. Oh. Yeah yeah don't worry about it. They were all men.

Why are you judging? I'm not. Never go on then. Look a compliment's a compliment Rosie. You do what you want to do. Right. Dear Chris and Rosie

got a quick would you rather and I would love to know your stance to do. Right. Dear Chris and Rosie, got a quick would you rather and I would love to know your stance on this. Okay. Is it revolting or is it quite good? It's not revolting. It's all right. It's just, you know, it's a bit of a backstory.

Oh. I had a baby last year and I'm still breastfeeding him. Okay. My husband has a thing about my milk and won't ever try his food if I've put expressed milk in it.

So, sorry, try what food? Whose food? Well, the baby's food. Yes. Okay.

So, like checking the temperature of the porridge, for example. So she's using that expressed milk. That's fair enough.

I thought you meant like in his fucking tea. No, I did as well when I read that, but that's not what it means. I've made the dough for the bread with your, whatever you put there. She was actually, she was talking about her son.

Right, okay. He won't ever try his food. Right. Yeah. Gosh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so. These scrambled eggs have got my breast milk in.

Why won't you drink them? She finds it a bit funny, and she likes to wind him up about it. Got you. When the world went a bit tiggledy-piggledy with all the panic buying etc i pointed out that would we we would be okay for milk as i could just express for us to his horror excellent so i then asked would you rather would you rather drink my expressed breast milk or die? That is night and day.

Do you want to know what he picked? He picked... He picked die. Wow. Wow. He would rather die than drink her expressed breast milk. Yeah, but what does she mean by drink? Does she mean like every day forever?

I mean, you know what? There's a third option. Cut milk out. Yeah, true. A glass of water. Jesus. You can't have water on your Rice Krispies, can you? So that's not a would you rather.

That's her saying to him, drink me breast milk or I'll kill you. Basically. Basically, yes. But this just got me thinking, though, because there's two extremes to this, right? her saying to him drink your breast milk or i'll kill you basically basically yes but this this just got me thinking though because there's two extremes to this right because i've known blokes who love breast milk sorry i've known blokes who like love their wives or partners breast milk how what do you mean i've known blokes well maybe not like i couldn't personally think well i can but i would never say but they have like they like have tastes of it all the time.

And apparently it's really sweet. And like, I've tried it. Right. Not my own. Right. Because my boobs didn't work properly. Right. But I've tried other people's and it is quite sweet.

It's got quite a nice taste. Would you, right, okay then. Would you drink my breast milk? How much of it and what is the scenario? Would you have it in your tea? No, because it would just be... I'd try it and have a little taste of it to see what it was like.

I'd dip my finger in it and be like, yeah. Did you not try mine? Because I did express for a while. I don't know. I'm just remembering back to the point when... Because you expressed for a bit and then Robin was on formula and I remember we didn't have...

I was in the house with Robin. I knew you were out gallivanting somewhere. He was still a baby. What? You couldn't add a C-section? Yeah, but you were galliv was when he was a bit better he was a bit bigger he was on formula but stuff uh and um there was no milk in the house and i remember for fucking ages like walter white from breaking bad i stood at the sink trying to make some kind of milk that would go in my tea well out of formula? Out of formula. So I used loads of the powder with water

and then hardly any of the powder with water at different temperatures. I tried six or seven different ways to put it in the tea and it was fucking, it was revolting. I'd be disgusted.

Yeah, I couldn't have a tea. I'd just have some water. I was devastated. I bet you wish I'd had any booby milk. No, because my point is I think that would be rubbish as well. I think it would be really watery

and crap. I think you'd have to put absolutely loads of it in for it to have any, you know what I mean, for it to have any effect on the tea. I think it would be horrible. And crap i think you'd have to put absolutely loads of it in for to have any you know i mean for to have any effect yeah the tea i think it'd be horrible and i think you dip the biscuit in it would make it even worse oh um just want to give a little shout out to breastfeeding moms but to also bottle feeding moms because um bottle feed i was a bottle feeding mom yeah i know it sounds a bit silly on our podcast but we've got a lot of women and men no we really struggled didn't we i was desperate to breastfeed I know it sounds a bit silly on our podcast, but we've got a lot of women and men. We've got some time to fill. We've got some time to fill.

No, we really struggled, didn't we? I was desperate to breastfeed. I went to the classes. I read all the books. I was like, oh, I'll be fine doing this. It just didn't work. Robin was a massive baby. I had a C-section.

My milk didn't come in for like a week and a bit. And I didn't really know about milk coming in. It was something I didn't really know about, but there was just none there. And we put them on formula and you know it was great remember that one night the night when you when you were first giving it yeah yeah and it was like it was like um it was like finding the mute button on a telly oh my god that's how you fucking switch that noise off he's just being starving bless him it was three o'clock in the morning. I remember it really vividly. Three o'clock in the morning, I was expressing,

but I was hardly getting anything out of my boobs. And he was just having a tiny bit. And then we were giving him formula in a little cup because we didn't want to get him too used to bottles. And it was three o'clock in the morning and you made a bottle without telling us because I was crying my eyes out going, it's just not happening. Why isn't this blah, blah, blah.

And you made a bottle and you went, look, there's a bottle there. It's totally up to you. If you want to do it, it's there. And you were very much of the, I'm sick of watching you hammer yourself, beat yourself up about it. Well, I remember the, I don't know what they're called the bread the breastfeeding specialist who came around what they're called what's the lactation oh whatever the lass who the professional breastfeeder came around and she sat with you for an hour and a half of you crying and robin crying and finally got him to latch on and then

left going oh it's sorted now and i was like, oh, it's sorted now. And I was like, well, what's it going to take an hour and a fucking half every time? Our kid's going to be traumatized. And then, yeah, we went for the bottle and just, oh. Yes, best thing I ever did. He was literally, he looked like he just had,

like an all-you-can-eat buffet afterwards. He was just lying there like, that was amazing. No, he was great. Night, night, little dude. And he slept really late the next day, didn't he? He did. Because he'd had loads of...

He did. So if you are currently with baby, struggling, then don't beat yourself up it's not worth it but if you can breastfeed then amazing if it works go for it dear rosie and chris after hearing you mention that you received an olive tree as a wedding gift yep i decided to write in and tell you about the gift me and my husband received when we got married 11 years ago. Just as a side note, if you want to hear us really slag that olive tree off, it's on my DVD. Oh, what was that? A bit on Amazon. A plug. Love it. We got married in Ireland and a lot of people very kindly travelled over for the wedding. A family friend on my husband's side came to speak to me at the wedding and told me

he had a gift for us but he couldn't bring it over on the plane. And he would bring it to our house after we returned from our honeymoon. Got you.

Honeyboons are nice, aren't they? Honeyboons. Honeybooboos. Honeymoons are good. Honeymoons are nice. I'm just literally, I've got no quirky thing.

I'm literally looking off into the distance and fondly remembering the honeymoon That's very nice I assured him no gift needed He had travelled to Ireland etc But he insisted And seemed quite excited about it I hate when someone bigs up the present How fucking much is this prick bit

I'm sorry how much has he bigged it up Hey couldn't bring it on the plane i'll specifically set aside a day after your honeymoon to come and give you it oh you're gonna love it i'm i can already tell you it's gonna be shit if someone said that to me my head literally goes to i'm gonna you're gonna have a new car for us with a ball roundage like this is gonna be amazing like couldn't bring it on the plane. Couldn't bring it on the plane. It's either a car or loads of cocaine. Because you couldn't bring it

on the plane. Or a car full of cocaine. A car full of cocaine. Sorry, I watch White Lines on Netflix last night. Yes, that's the one. Fast forward three weeks later, and we are home and back to work. Fucking three weeks he's had to wait. Oh, what a prick

right come on i get a call from my husband to say that the friend will be calling to the house later on to drop off the present oh god i was excited yeah something to look forward to i watched from the window as he reversed into our driveway and took an odd shaped thing with a sheet over it from the back seat of his car. Prick. I opened the door and after the usual greetings, he came in and put this thing on the floor. He proudly removed the sheet to present me with two live birds. Wow.

Wow. I fully thought it was going to be a plant. And then when you said two, I was like, two plants? Two birds? They're fucking nut kids. Listen to this. I'm shocked. They're lovebirds, he told me with a huge smile on his face.

That's the worst present in the world. He then said he had to rush off, gave me a bag of seed and an instruction book and walked out the door. He's the worst person in the world. I didn't feel I knew him well enough to say what the actual fuck. him well enough to say what are the actual fuck that is that is horrendous gift given that is so fucking stupid it gets better really yeah sorry can i just i don't want to spoil anything but

just to interject here you would only give someone that present if they had literally said i've always wanted birds i've always i don't know where to get them we've got room for them we love birds i've always wanted some but i've never got round with bang get there you go unbelievable here's a present that is gonna die if you don't look after it needs feeding it's gonna cost you money yeah is allowed it's gonna shit on your floor and guess what the lovebirds are probably going to fuck all the time could be

allergic to birds good heavens do you want to hear the rest absolutely what a mad man now we are

stuck with two birds who are so noisy and seem to spend a lot of time angrily pecking at each other

they don't seem very in love I came home from work one day and they had escaped from the cage and there was shit all over They don't seem very in love. I came home from work one day and they had escaped from the cage and there was shit all over my kitchen. It's a fucking booby trap. It's a booby trap. My husband was working miles away so I had to call my sister and brother-in-law to come and help me catch them.

God. But the end of the story came about two months after we received them they had been quite noisy during the night and we came down in the morning to find one of them lying on the bottom of the oh my god oh my fucking god listen listen i immediately burst into tears, confusing my husband who knew I hated them, but I felt guilty. Did I wish it dead? Was this a bad omen for my marriage? We took them to my grandad who was visiting from Ireland. He used to keep canaries and breed them. He would have loved that present. He told us that yes, he was dead.

Wow. But also, what we actually had was two male birds and that the other one had probably killed it. Wow. So, they're not love birds. Halfway through this, my guess was going to be, what if there were two blokes by accident? Yeah, the two blokes.

That is a... That's the worst... I'll put that up there with the worst present I think I've everokes. That's the worst present. I'd put that up there with the worst present I think I've ever heard. That's a terrible present. Here's two birds. Oh, they're lovebirds. Oh, by the way, I'm wrong. The two blokes. The loudest foot, they're going to escape shit over your

house. And at one point, one of them's going to murder the other one and you're going to find it. Have we spoke about my hamster on here? I don't know. We got a hamster from a local little pet shop. It was actually quite rank. Was it the one at Chai? Yes.

I got my hamster from there as well. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they had like a mass. Opposite the macro stage of Chai Chester, yeah. Yeah, a mass delivery of hamsters. We bought this hamster. Didn't realise the hamster was pregnant.

Great. And then one day it had babies. Oh, no. And me and my brother and sister were just like staring at it kind of like what's going on probably made a bit too much noise and the hamster started eating her babies because she thought

by eating them she was putting them back in her stomach which is really grim What? Eating her babies? By eating them was she swallowing them whole or was she biting them in half well like I don't remember that

vividly I think she was like just whole swallowing them back this is the one of the worst stories I've ever been told it's true

you may have told me this and I may have blanked it out it's true it was really it was really disturbing actually we had to take it back we thought it was a boy I had a hamster

and and basically my mates a hamster and basically my mates had hamsters and they were like them lush like the brown and white coloured lovely like almost mahogany

in places lovely brownie hamsters the classic hamster bonnie hamster yeah I went to the shop to get one they only had an albino

one left it was a bright white with red eyes it wasn't a looker it was a bright white with red eyes uh it wasn't a looker um it was a girl she wasn't pregnant thank god she wasn't a wasn't a slug um her name was henrietta i called her um and uh because my auntie had a a dog called henry so i called the i called the hamster henrietta yeah and uh it was an escape artist it used to get out all the time uh it went behind the fire and it went in the walls it went in the sofa it went one time

it got out of the cage in my bedroom and it went in uh under my mom and dad's shower and then into the walls i've ever told you how my dad caught it. No. Genuinely, no word of a lie. It was in the walls. I was distraught, crying my eyes out. It was in the walls. And he got it out with a biscuit tin with a stick and a treat tied to the stick. Like in cartoons. Yeah. And I remember being, there's two times in my life

where I've been like, oh my God, cartoons are real. Because that, when he caught it, it was in the morning, it was back in the cage. And I was like, did you get it? He was like, that's how I did it. And I was being, there's two times in my life where I've been like, oh my God, cartoons are real. Because that, when he caught it, it was like in the morning, it was back in the cage. And I was like, did you get it? He was like, that's how I did it. And I was like, unbelievable. And the other time was,

I saw an old lady fall over in a shopping center with my mom and we ran up to see if she was okay. And I looked and she'd slipped on a banana peel. And I was like, what the fuck's going on?

Two times in my life where I'm like, cartoons are coming into me world. You're going to start putting matches under people's arse just so they'll go wak, wak, wak, wak.

The day that the lady fell on a banana peel was the same day that I got shat on by a bird. I must have only been about five or six and I was walking along

with a yellow mac on in South Shields and I got shat on by a seagull. Do you know, I told Robin this recently and he won't believe us. Why have we been, yeah. My four-year-old son will not believe that I've ever been shat on by a seagull. Do you know, I told Robin this recently and he won't believe us. Why have we been, yeah.

My four-year-old son will not believe that I've ever been shat on by a bird. He's so suspicious. He was like, no, you haven't. You're tricking us. He's like, yeah, he's going, you're trying to trick us. I was going, I've been pooed on by a bird.

He's going, no, you're tricking us. Well, look at your trampoline in the garden. The poo everywhere. They're minging. No, not on you. He didn't believe mine. Well, yours, I'd never heard yours. This blew me mind. Tell

the listeners, when you were shat on by a bird, tell them where it went. In my mouth. He believes that. He doesn't believe I was shat on in my head, but he believes you were shat on in the mouth. What happened? I was little. You know when it's raining, and you're little, and you put your mouth up to get the rain in your mouth

and bird shat in your mouth right in the corner horrible it was in my head you watched your hamster eat it's babies you went outside for some fresh air

opened your mouth and a bird shat in your mouth it all happened on the same day for me hey lucky mouth do you not reckon there's even a part

of a bird where you know when they're shiting do you not reckon there's a bit of them I'd love it if scientists discovered that there's a bit of a bird

where a bit of its brain where when a chitter hits that there's a bit of a bird where a bit of it's brain where when a chitter hits a human a little bit of it's brain goes fucking get in imagine when a chat in your mouth or the SC goes oh fucking jackpot get in lad you see that

right in her stupid mouth ten points come on lad it's got the beach ok this needs to come with a warning Right in her stupid mouth. Ten points. Come on, lads. It's got the beach. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Okay, this needs to come with a warning. It's not disgusting.

Right. But if you're a bit queasy about stuff, then it needs to come... Oh, I thought you were going to touch me face. No, I was just realising your mic. This story involves nipple piercings. Fantastic. Not something I'm particularly fussed with myself, but hey, whatever floats your boat. Couldn't think of anythingings. Fantastic. Not something I'm particularly fussed with myself but hey,

whatever floats your boat. Couldn't think of anything worse. No. To touch or to have myself. Couldn't think of anything worse. You know that really sensitive thing on you? That one sensitive thing where if you wear

the wrong kind of t-shirt it can annoy you all day. Put a fucking put a metal rod through it. Yeah. Absolutely fine for that. I nearly got mine done years ago.

I nearly did a lot of things but I wim done years ago i nearly did a lot of things but i wimped out i nearly did a lot of things i did that's an autobiography title fantastic rosie ramsey i nearly did a lot of things i nearly took drugs loads of times but i never did well done you no never never ever see really really genuinely should be really proud of i am very proud of it and you know who i thank for that? Sandra. Yeah. Sandra. I think we mentioned this before, but tell them what she used to do.

Sandra used to clip out newspaper articles, cut them out, put them at the bottom of her beds almost once a week. Anyone who got ill or died or arrested for drugs, it went at the bottom of the bed, didn't it? Yeah.

It went on the fridge and everything. It did. From all over the country, any young adult who died from taking drugs my mom would cut it out and stick it around the house so i constantly just had the reminder of if you take drugs you might die what a morbid little scrapbook she was making oh mate you should have seen it when there was when there was a an article about how how good fruit and vegetables are for you they used to crop up all the time. Get them blown up, did you?

Oh, God. Black odds. But it worked. It worked. It's an interesting technique. I don't know if it works for everyone, but it's very good. Worked on me. I was terrified of this stuff I had. Some kids could rebel against that. You know what I mean? But yeah, it's really good. Fair play to her. I think she did it. I'm not even

joking. She did it from when we were about 11. Wow. Yeah, it was early we were about 11. Wow. Yeah, it was early. That's grim. It was early on. So it was ingrained in there. It wasn't like a teenager, you know, you've got your life here. I need to tell you this about drugs.

It was from 11. I was just terrified of anything. So, you know. Right. Drugs are for mugs. Just wanted to tell you that. We'll go back to the nipples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll go back to the nipples. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll go back to the nipples. Go back to them nips. How many other podcasts say that? Not many. Just go back to the nipples. Probably not many. I was first told this story by my flatmate about a year ago and would love to hear what you think of it. I have thoroughly enjoyed retelling it to everyone I know

and watching the looks of horror on their faces. It's short and sweet, so here goes. So, my flatmate's friend had just got her nipple pierced and was taking a shower, as you do. She looked down and noticed there seemed to be a bit of thread poking out from said piercing. Not to worry, she thought, it'll just come off by itself in the shower. A couple of minutes passed and she looked down again, expecting the thread to have gone. It still hadn't. Odd, she thought. Instead of, you know,

maybe trying to brush it off first, she took matters into her own hands. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she decided to cut the thread off herself. Seems somewhat logical. However, what she hadn't realised was that the thread wasn't a piece of thread after all.

Nope. It was in fact a nerve. No way! No! Oh God! Yes. A nerve that for some reason during the piercing process had popped out.

Still not exactly sure how, but as you can imagine, scissors and nerves don't tend to mix well, especially in such a sensitive area of the body. After cutting the thread off, she ended up blacking out in the shower due to the pain. Sorry. So many questions

here. I don't know if I believe this. It's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life. My legs are genuinely numb. I feel like I'm going to pass out and be sick. I did warn you. You know in 127 hours, where James Franco gets his arm caught, you know the bit where he cuts the nerve and it makes a noise from operation? Yeah. That's what I'm going to pass out and be sick. I did warn you. You know in 127 hours where James Franco gets his arm caught, the bit where he cuts the nerve and it makes a noise from operation. That's what I'm thinking of here.

Now, I'm sorry. How was it not hurting? If a nerve's hanging out, how was it not hurting? How was it not sensitive? How was it not hurting so much? How does it not feel like

our insides are on the outside is the first thing I want to ask. The second thing is, well, she might not have grabbed it. She might have just went straight at it with the scissors. And there might have been some pain there anyway off the piercing. So the piercing might have been throbbing anyway, so she might not have known. So that's fair enough.

My main one is, who's just got a pair of fucking scissors in the shower like a lunatic? She might have got them out of the bathroom. Or grabbed me shower scissors that I keep on that hook above me head in this wet place. I don't know. Don't ask in this wet place i don't know don't ask me oh i don't know i'm i'm sort of 60 of his things that that's true and 40 praise that it's not we should keep it in the podcast 100 keep it in let people make their own mind up but

that my toes are fucking curling i know it's terrific isn't it i've read that and i i felt the same as you when i first read it i was was like, this is grim. Do you know what it reminds us of? Because you can just feel it. Yeah. Do you know what it reminds us of? I once cut some flesh from under my tongue with some scissors. Why did you do that? I had a bit of like, it was like an ulcer. And then I don't know what happened, but it was like,

you know under your tongue there's some like scraggy bits. It was like a bit hanging off. And I remember it was hanging off and it was hurting. I remember I just, I got some nail scissors and it'd be at my dad's house and I just cut it off from under me. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It was when I was going on loads it was hurting and I remember I just I got some nail scissors and it'd be at my dad's house and I just cut it off from underneath oh my gosh yeah

it was when I was going on loads of nights out when I was younger like you know when you do like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday on a night out and I was just like

I don't know eating loads of crap unhealthy unhealthy and like talking loads and you know when you're like pissed you like bite your lips

and your tongue when you're talking because you can't control your face I cut it off on the bottom of the worst it was alcohol how dare you and tongue when you're talking because you kind of control your face. I cut it off on the bottom. Drugs off of mugs, guys. It was alcohol.

How dare you? I wouldn't mind some drugs afterwards. It was hurting like fuck. Speaking of piercings, I have to re-pierce my ears every time I want to wear earrings. Sorry. I'm not aware of this.

Did you not know this? No, this is disgusting. What? What do you mean you've got to re-pierce your ears? Well, I got my ears pierced when I was like 15 because I wasn't allowed to get them done any earlier. I had to wait until my 15th birthday. Sandra, Sandra, you are so strict.

I swear to God. No drugs. You know, having to wait until I was 15 to get my ears pierced. Did you put newspaper cuttings of every time someone got an ear infection? Probably. Local man gets an earring caught in pneumatic drill. Yes, they can get pulled off in the schoolyard. That's what I used to get all the time. probably like local man gets earring caught in pneumatic drill yes they can get

pulled off in the school yard that's what I used to get all the time so I got my ears pierced when I was 15 and then quite

shortly after I realised that I don't really suit earrings actually but then there's been times when I've worn them

because you've got a tiny head yeah I think it is actually I very rarely wear them but there's been times when I've had to wear

them for like fancy dress and just if I'm going to a posh thing I think oh I'll I very rarely wear them but there's been times when I've had to wear them for like fancy dress and just if I'm going to a posh thing I think oh I'll put some nice earrings in so every time that I put earrings in now

recently current day I have to like stab my ear again that's horrendous I have to genuinely nothing's worth that go through skin

that's awful that's a true story well I didn't have to I remember a load of my mates went and got them pierced you've got to get your you've got to get your left one pierced, because if you've got the right one done, you are gay.

Yeah, that was brilliant. And they would always get it, and they had to turn them. I remember, you'd get it done, and they would have to turn them. So they don't infect. Yeah, and that was it. So you had to give it a wipe for it. I remember I used to ask my mum, I used to always say, can I get it done?

And she was like, absolutely not. I'm so glad. Oh, were you allowed nah what the left the gold charva stood in the left ear oh sorry mr buys lighters on holiday i used to buy lighters on holiday what's wrong with that well what you weren't allowed to get your ears done but you were allowed to buy lighters on holiday and knuckle dusters as long as i wasn't heating up a bit of metal and pushing through my ear with the lighter then everything was all right um uh i remember you would have the they would have the little stud and they would turn the stud and then after i think it was like a month or four weeks or something or eight weeks i don't know what it was but after that they could get the ring the sleeper ring

remember that yeah yeah when the chart when you sort of get your chav earring status when you got upgraded you then had the like sleeper ring in and then after a while a load of lads got their When your chav earring status, when you got upgraded, you then had the sleeper ring in. And then after a while, a load of lads got their eyebrows done as well. That was popular. Do you remember the people who used to get their ears done but then put the tunnels in? I went out with a guy who had two massive tunnels. Oh, yeah. I still see people with them.

But what I do see a lot more recently is I see people with the tunnels taken out I know so they've just got a like a big elastic band hanging from their ear it's a bit grim isn't it and you go I used to have tunnels in there

and you go dude you're gonna have to keep them tunnels in like well if you watch programmes like Botched etc normally

people who've had the big tunnels gone a bit too big and then having to get the ear ear lobe like whacked off and get plastic surgery to fix it I know put a fucking apple in it had the big tunnels gone a bit too big and then having to get the, yeah, yellow, like, whacked off and get plastic surgery

to fix it. I know. You could put a fucking apple in it. But hey, fashion. Turn to the left. Fashion.

I've just never been up for, I've never been up for tattoos. I've never been up for putting metal holes, holes in my body with metal. I don't know. Maybe I'm a wimp.

Maybe I'm a wimp. You've just never lived. I've never been up for it. Nah, I'm alright. I'm absolutely fine. Never lived, says theimp. Maybe I'm a wimp. You've just never lived. I've never been up for it. Nah, I'm alright. I'm absolutely fine. Never lived, says the one who has to pierce her ears again.

I'm just getting ready. That's true. Come on, let's go. It kills. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. I just thought we'd take this little opportunity to let you know that

we've been nominated for an award. We bloody have. Bloody getting a bit boring now, all these nominations. We've been nominated in the British Podcast Awards for best

new podcast because I know it feels like we've been doing this forever but we came out last year we released our podcast just before the cut off

for any nominations but don't worry about that because that's just after the cut off I don't know don't worry about that though guys because that is just a panel decides you know a panel are going to sit and decide that I don't know don't worry about that though guys because that is just a panel decides

you know a panel are going to sit and decide that we don't win that one but what you guys can do is we're up again obviously every podcast in the whole UK

is up for the listeners choice and last year you absolute beauties voted and voted and voted and got us third oh my gosh yeah and we'd only been going

for a month yeah a month or so and you got us third. So we know you've been better that this time. Just Google British Comedy Awards or Comedy Awards and go on and click on vote

and you can vote for us in the listener's choice. Thanks very much. And hopefully we'll win this year. Yeah, and thank you in advance for all of the voting you're going to do. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Hi! After listening to last week's podcast and the part where someone asked about strange things that happen in families, I thought I would write in. A few years ago, I had a young lad working for me. He asked one day if we had any vacancies going for his twin brother. We did have a vacancy, so I asked him to fill in an application form.

After reading his application form, I noticed his brother had a different surname. I asked the question why? He replied, we are twins, but we have different mums. Sorry. I asked him how this could be. He explained that his dad had an affair and both he and his brother were born in the same hospital within five minutes of each other. That... Each mother in the next room and the dad dashing between the two.

That doesn't make you a fucking twin! It kind of does, though. It absolutely doesn't! Is he stupid? But... It does, though, a bit.'t. Is he stupid? But it does, though, a bit. No. So what, just brothers?

Half-brothers. Half-brothers born within five minutes of each other. Yeah, the only thing they share is a cunt of a dad. A twin is an egg that is split in two. I know, but still. A fertilised egg that's split in two. I know, but still. A fertilised egg that's split in two, but fertilised by one sperm. He's an idiot.

So funny though, isn't it? Yeah, he's a fucking idiot. He's going around telling people he's a twin. That's bollocks. That's like me just going to the records in the hospital, finding out who was born on the same time as me and going, anyway, twins, up with it. No, they've got the same dad

though so there is there is some blood there i might give them half twin just for a joke half twin i'd give them half twin in the same way that you you know you give we're talking about doug and chris last week in may too it's like oh i'm his uncle and it's like he's younger and it's like yeah but we'll just call each other cousins i mean what I mean I'd give them our half twins nah but we're actually just brothers fucking me twin can me twin have a job I think it's a layman you know what

they're not really twins right because if your twin wanted a job surely you would just ask for more hours and he'd come in half the time and you'd go home

half the time well they're not identical though are they well of course they're not because they're not fucking twins they're just two lads don't tell them that idiots I hope he's listening are they? Well of course not because they're not fucking twins. They're just two lads.

Don't tell them that. Idiots. I hope he's listening. He's an idiot. Your brother's an idiot as well. You're both idiots. You're half brother. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab.

Dear Rosie and Chris I want to start off by saying that I usually don't let the dog sleep on my bed with me but I have every night since lockdown

so for about two months. I can understand that i don't know where i stand i i think sometimes i go oh your dog sleeps with you it's weird but then i think if i had a dog and i loved it i'd be like come to bed with daddy no okay not happening in my house you will be sleeping in a separate bed but oh then again yeah you're right i don't know i just think dogs smell yeah i don't know but i think when you've got your own dog i don't think it smells i don't think you can smell your own dog i think you get nose blind to your own dog i think you're right i think you're right we'll see we'll see one day one day you can one day one day one day

when i'm dead and buried fingers crossed okay here we go um when i turn the light off she always does a really content sigh like she's ready to go to sleep. And then I give her a cuddle because I thought it was cute. Oh, that's lovely. See, how lush is that? I know. But yesterday, she rolled in something in the field and smelled awful, so she had to sleep downstairs.

Got you. Probably fox poo. That's not yet. That normally happens. Fox poo. Stink. Why do dogs do that? Well, look, there's another dog shit.

Belly flop. I know. It's rank, do that. Why look, there's another dog shit. Belly flop. I know. It's rank, isn't it? See, this is what I mean. Yes, dogs are very cute. I love stroking them. I love cuddling them. I love watching them run for balls.

But I don't want them rolling in shit and coming in my house. Do you know what I mean? You've got to look at the bigger picture here. She's got to clean the dog. She's got to just wash the dog. Why is she letting the dog? That poo stays. My friend Zitaita her dog Ronnie

absolutely gorgeous I've slept in a bed with Ronnie before he's lovely but he would roll in fox shit all the time and even when she

washed him he legit stunk of it see I'd use the jet wash that would probably take the skin off I'm joking don't email in

I wouldn't fucking jet wash a dog I'm kidding. I'm joking. Don't email in. I wouldn't fucking jet wash a dog. I'm kidding. Please. Stop it. Do not torture your dog. Do you know, I used to love washing dogs.

Do you know, I had a thing about, I just love washing dogs. What dogs have you washed? Any friend that I knew that had a dog, right, or I had a girlfriend

once who had a dog, I would, if it was, I would be like, can I wash the dog? And I'd be like, if it was time to wash the dog, they would save up, they would save up not washing the dog because they knew when I'd come around I'd wash the dog? And I'd be like, if it was time to wash the dog,

they would save up not washing the dog because they knew when I'd come around, I'd wash the dog. Oh, no. I was like, anything. I love the idea of washing the dog. Well, I like baths. I like dogs. Oh, I get so sad when I realise how much you want a dog

One day, I promise you One day, when I'm dead and buried Okay So the dog's gone downstairs to sleep Right I was in bed last night and I turned the light off And I heard the sighs always And for a second wondered when the dog had crept upstairs

I then remembered She was downstairs And I stayed awake for hours with the light on, realising the sigh had not been my dog for the last couple of months. Hmm. Right. I then told my dad in the morning what had happened

and he responded in a serious tone with, well, obviously there's an elderly lady present here. Your mum has seen her at the end of our bed before jesus at the look of horror on my face he did a guilty laugh and said i shouldn't have told you should i which makes me think he is not joking we live in a very old cottage i just really hope it isn't true i don't like stories like this do you think it was the dog or do you think it was a little old lady ah right so i don't believe in ghosts at all right i don't believe in them i've said this before i think i said it in well

i think i've done this in my stand-up and the line was i do not believe in ghosts one little bit until it's dark yeah i don't like i'm like yes but during the day i'm like bullshit bollocks pull the other one. Nonsense. No evidence. Nighttime, someone tells us a story like that, and I go... Check the cupboards. Terrified. I don't think it is.

I think she was so used to hearing the sigh, I think she turned the light off, and I think her brain let her hear the sigh. But dogs don't really... Dogs, like, whimper, don't they? Well, her dog obviously sighs. But have you ever heard a dog go, sigh?

Not really, but I've never been with a dog when it's sitting down after a long day. No, me neither. Maybe it's the do. Do dogs sigh?

Do dogs sigh? Shag my annoyed at Gina.com. But if it was a little lady sigh, sighs aren't really a good thing. So she's probably at the bottom of her bed going, sigh, size aren't really a good thing. So she's probably at the bottom of her bed going,

I wish you'd fuck off. Probably, she's probably reading. She's probably sitting reading a book and just knocked the light off her. Fucking one page off the end of the chapter. Bitch. Alright,

leave that in the morning then. Same time every night then same time every night same time every night just before the end of the chapter fucking snores as well Jesus thank you so much

for listening to this week's Shag Mound Annoyed which is now part of the Acast Creator Network thank you so much guys as always if you want to get in touch next week shagmoundannoyed

at gmail.com until then stay safe enjoy yourselves and I was going to say keep laughing but it sounds really I was literally going to go

keep laughing keep laughing going for a wash love yous bye bye you're invited to an immersive

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