Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 66. Fortune cookies

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

On this week's podcast Rosie's love of cushions is escalating and Chris is having none of it. There is some discussion over the pronunciation of nougat, a potential lockdown love story and some strange one night stand behaviour. All of this plus a story about a car sale that takes a very strange turn. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello. You're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. Why? I don't know. Why would you do that?

Why? Listen, why not? What's his name again? Guy I'm currently locked in a house with. Or are we? Who knows? Hey, it is episode 66, guys. Thank you so, so much for listening. We hope you're all all right out there. And before we start, a quick word from this week's lucrative sponsor.

This week's sponsor is Durham. No. Hey. Chris. Hey. No. Are you little dinkers? No.

Visit Durham. We said we are not getting involved in politics involved with what involved with what involved with promoting tourism in a beautiful local city to us 20 minutes down the road

I'll have you know what right go on then no hey visit Durham hey not yet

no can if you want doesn't matter doesn't matter what's happening you can just go there hey not allowed to leave the house yeah he's still allowed to go to Durham no can if you want doesn't matter doesn't matter what's happening you can just go there hey not allowed to leave the house yeah

he's still allowed to go to Durham hey roads will be nice and clear do you reckon that's why do you reckon that's that's why to be fair if I was in charge of the country

and I wanted to drive the full length of the M1 and the A1 for the day, I'd lock down. I'd go, everyone lock down, everyone. Kids, wife, jump in the car. I bet he took a good hour and a half off the journey. Honestly, I bet he fucking wellied it.

However, no service stations open, so they all had to probably piss in lay-bys, which is an £80 fine each so we'll get them on that as well yes oh yeah throw away the key eh durham also has a university do you know what though durham is absolutely it's gorgeous if i was going to go somewhere and get politically chastised for it and have people outside my mom's house like throwing fucking shoes and eggs or whatever they're doing at the minute i'd pick durham like do you know what's annoying me what's annoying me?

What's annoying me about the whole thing? I just want to see Mars Estate. I want a little nip round. I just want like I just want

to have a little look maybe like inside the house possibly sounds nice. Do you think that's why everyone's there? They're not actually politically like rallying

outside. They just want to go and have a fucking look around at that. Yeah. You never know well maybe kirsty and phil might go up oh there's a there's a mot there's an angry mob outside love it i list it

we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's podcast. Lovely to have you back.

Yes. Hope you're alright. Hope you're well. We're not talking politics. No well we're not going to get we're not talking politics I'm not going there no we're just having a little giggle

having a little giggle and it's done now and we'll move on you know my opinion on the whole thing yeah don't like any of them don't trust any of them

as far as I can throw them don't trust any of them hey as far as I can throw them and he wishes I could throw them to Durham he wouldn't have got spotted he'd have just landed

in his man's fucking field. I'd stop. I'm not doing it anymore. Right, that's enough. That's enough. Yep, we are currently week 10 of... Is it week 9? I'm not adding that.

I don't know anymore. Does it matter? No. Does it matter? I was on my laptop the other day, and it comes up with little reminders for your diary. It came up the other day, and it was like, bank holiday?

Spring bank holiday? I was like, you fucking shut up, will you? You watch watch the news do you know what's going on you're telling us that for people are saying people we work with i was getting emails going to have a lovely bank holiday guys i was like are you all are you are you on the same planet as me what i mean every day this whole it's been like a 10 week bank holiday the whole thing's been a bank holiday but not good not fun well hey we've had the weather you We have had the weather. Do you know what it is? Hey British weather. You know what you've

really got me through this. Thank you British weather. You've really got me through this. Thank you. Poffin was four

days last weekend when it was windy when I wanted to throttle you. Yeah so did I. I was very annoyed at the grey skies but today's lovely

so it's all good. Wind's bollocks isn't it though? Isn't wind just irritating? Wind is the shittest form of weather that there

is. Worse because it sometimes looks nice outside and it blows into false sense of security because it stops Isn't wind just irritating? Wind is the shittest form of weather that there is. Ever. Worse because it sometimes looks nice outside. And it blows you into a false sense of security because it stops for a second. It goes, oh, no, there's not any wind. Yeah, I'm kidding. There's still loads of wind.

Yeah, but you don't have long hair. Long hair and wind is horrible. Ten weeks ago, I didn't have long hair. Yeah, not like shoulder length hair. Yeah, like whipping your face. Even having it up, it just tickles your face. Tickles your face. Tickles your face.

Not in a nice, sexy, romantic way. In a windy, horrible way. What do you want us to do with you? Tickle me face. Like the wind on a bank holiday. That's me in the bedroom.

I just want this one tickled. Tickle me face. What do you want? I want a new pillow that's not covered in fake tan and shit That's what you want in the bedroom What have you been up to? For God's sake Let's carry on

Do you know what? I actually do have a lot of questions today because I've actually put some effort in this week From the publico So I've got put some effort in this week. From the publico. From the publico. So I've got some questions. Good ones. Nice. That's all I've got to say about it.

Good questions. How are you anyway? You all right? I'm all right. I've been on my bike a lot. Oh, right. Yeah, you have. Yeah.

Love my bike. I know you do. I have turned into... So there's two people who I used to hate. Two kinds of people I used to hate. The first one was the person... I still find them annoying because i don't say it out loud but the people who go oh i cannot function on a morning until i've had me coffee get in the sea get in the sea if you're saying if you're saying that them them sentences out loud to someone if you're if you're bragging about the fact that you need a coffee in the

morning until it's it's just an irritating thing i'm like that though yeah but you didn't you don't say it i've never heard you say it well that's annoying can't wait oh oh hey listen there's my new morning routine as soon as i open the eyes oh god you've just you've made honestly who cares about lockdown you've just made my life complete. Get in. Let us practice. Why are you stretching? She's actually stretching.

I'm excited. Let us practice. Ready? Go on then. Oh, Chris, I cannot function until I've had my morning cup of coffee. Do you know that? It's not as bad because I know you, right?

And you're saying it to me. It's when I overhear someone saying it in a group. See how long it takes. Well, they can fuck off, but i am one of them now but i don't say it out loud but i am a zombie until i've had a coffee in the morning i know that's really i've just said the thing that i hate that i hate i hate myself and i've also become um because i for a while i thought endorphins were just bollocks i thought it was just something that people who were knackered made up to not be knackered. Don't. Don't get on the endorphins train.

Well, I was slightly hungover today and I went for a little bike ride and don't get us wrong, I still feel like shit but I kind of

felt a bit better. I kind of went to blow the cobwebs away on my little bike ride and it did feel good. Just a cheeky little six miles. We're not going to last. Felt great. You keep this life up,

we are not going to last. I'm so jealous of my bike legs. What? Because Barty's talking about my bike legs look at you joining i got my bike legs i got my back legs on i love my bike legs i know you keep getting us to touch them before bed honestly i was going up the stairs yeah dan i touched my thigh and i thought oh what is that metal in my pocket hold on it's just my bike leg I was very annoyed with you the other day actually

when it comes to bike here's a little early beef for you like what is it beef tartare yeah beef tartare little raw beef yeah yeah yeah

you went for a 28 mile bike ride which I personally think during lockdown taking the piss I was just going I just went up and down our street

28 times Dominic right there DC I did go to Durban back on my bike it was fine it's alright now he fucking did it in March Taking the piss? I just went up and down our street 28 times. Dominic? Right there. DC? I did go to Durban back on my bike. It was fine. It's all right now.

He fucking did it in March. I did it the day when they eased it now. I'm allowed. Anyway. And I still haven't gone. Anyway. You went on your 28-mile bike ride. Yeah, massive. Which was, you know, good for you.

We went for a socially distanced picnic with our friends in the local park which was lovely um you were knackered you were absolutely knackered and then i came back and fell asleep in the garden yeah you are horrible company and and i just don't think i don't think exercise should make you tired for the rest of the day so you can't function around your family because you talk about endorphins it should boost you not make you knackered so you're a bit shit at it alright well yeah well I still think

endorphins are a lie then I still think it's a lie yeah good let's shake on that yep I'll shake on that they don't exist bullshit look how strong my hand is

that's a fool my handlebars my left hand's stronger especially my thumb because that's where my bell is and I flip my bell at the left people have you got a bell on

I've got a little bell on my back I hate you hey you know what I i got a little bell on my bike hey hey no i just ordered a little water bottle holder for me bike can't believe i didn't even have one so important to hydrate when you're about to i try to go how long can i talk to boy and i just i've just done my own head in oh i've told you the main reason i go on it's just like going down hills fast that is genuinely what he said.

I'm one step away from shouting wee when I'm on it. Honestly, I'm just a big kid and it's fun. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Oh. So, there's no beef family this week. Oh, wow. Because I had a really good idea

for like a little mini sketch and I forgot to write it down. Excellent. So there's nothing this week. Professional. You'll be glad to know. Professional. No, I am glad to know.

That's good. I like to have a week off them bastards. That's rude. Do you want to go first? What's your beef with me? What's my beef with you? Do you want to go first? I've got a beef with you.

Come on then. I mean, I've got worse ones than this one, but this one is quite recent. Oh, okay. It actually really upsets us. Oh, wow. You were eating a double decker the other day.

Yeah. And you said nougat instead of nugget. No. No, I think nougat is actually a thing. Well, it might be. Right. But I didn't think that I'd married someone who said nougat's actually a thing. Well, it might be.

Right. But I didn't think that I'd married someone who said nougat. I don't know. It's nugget. I don't know if it was the real word. I don't know if nugget. No, a nugget is a nugget like a chicken nugget. A nougat is like, isn't nougat like a marshmallow-y kind of syrup?

Where are you from? I don't have to Google it. Where are you from? I don't know. Well, it might be Nougat, but I don't know anybody where we live that says Nougat. It's Nugget. Are you actually Googling it? Okay, so I've just found this online, guys. Just found this online.

This is a YouTube video, how to pronounce Nougat in the English authentic British accent. Here it goes. Nougat. the English authentic British accent. Here it goes. Nougat. Oh, that. I mean, it sounded like nougat, but it also sounded like in your fucking face. Just don't believe everything that you read online.

I didn't read it, I heard it. Oh, yeah. Nougat. Nougat. I just want to say, I knew that you were pronouncing it right. I just didn't expect it to come out of your mouth the way it did so nonchalantly

you were just like I said what's in the double decker because I don't they're not really something I've had over the years I might have had one once

but it's not a chocolate bar that I get very often well I've told you before it looks like it's got raisins and oranges in it it's the shittiest coloured one that they've ever

just stupid yeah it's not being branded great but you love it and then you were like so it's got like the chocolate and it's got raisins and oranges in it. It's the shittiest coloured one that they've ever done. It's just stupid. Yeah, it's not being branded great. But you love it and then you were like, so it's got like the chocolate and it's got like the, is it like Rice Krispie?

Like the caramel? And then the nougat. I was like, who the flip is this? Who is this man? You don't be intimidated by my confectionery knowledge. Right?

And all the words. I'll say them. Well done. Yeah. Nougat. I want one now though. Right. My beef with you. Well done. Yeah. I want one now, though. Right. My beef with you this week is,

and it's been going on for some time now, right? Good. And I'm sick of it. And it was just, it was the other night, we were sitting watching the TV, and I thought, this is getting fucking stupid now. You have, and are currently still purchasing, more cushions than I have, and are currently still purchasing, more cushions than I have ever seen anywhere in my life ever.

Like, it's actually fucking mad. Like, it's crazy how many cushions. Like, every day there's a new delivery guy at the door. One guy came, and he brought loads of, like, pillowcases, cushion covers. So you took all the cushions that we've got out of their cushion cases and then put the new ones on. And then a fucking bloke came the next day with more plain cushions that you put back into them ones because you just couldn't wait to get your new ones on the cushions.

And then there's more. There's packets. As I sit, two seconds, right, dear listener, right? I'll just turn around in this room. I've done them. That's packets back there. There was loads of cushions in. There's more coming

I don't know where I stand I don't know I lay on the sofa the other night right and I used two cushions which is quite a lot because they're quite big cushions I put two to plump me back up

right while I was eating my nougat right and I moved all of the other cushions to the back and half of the fucking sofa was taken up

with the cushions I couldn't see there was a mountain of cushions there I was glad I was buzzing glad I couldn't see there was a mountain of cushions oh good glad you couldn't see it that's why I've done it I flick you the V's

all the way through Gangs of London monkey bike face so many and now what you've done is you've tucked it so I can sort of

arrange them out and I'll sort of move them around and things and if I go to bed I'll put them back but you've got a new one now you've got a new one

where you basically you stand them all up I've noticed it happening around the house it's not the ones in this room you stand the cushions up right and then you must do like a little karate chop on the top of them so they look like a fucking fortune cookie so they're all like that now in the house and i think what's been going on here looks like someone swiped a credit card on the top of them and they're just things are poked up like rabbit ears. They don't even look like cushions anymore. It's fashionable. It's stupid.

They all look stupid and there's loads of them. And they've all got their little hands in the air. The little corners are all poked up into the air like little fucking square rabbits. I hate it. Hate it. I hate you. Stupid.

Stop buying cushions. Stop it. These shops are shut and I miss buying stuff. Miss it. Hate it. I hate you. Stupid. Stop buying cushions. Stop it. These shops are shut and I miss buying stuff. Miss it. Miss it. Bloody delivery bloke. I'm on first name terms with him.

Thinks we're building a fucking soft play. Sick of it. I really like cushions. They make us happy. But what, no, what's happening now though, we're in the transitional period of cushions. Oh, you don. But what's happening now, though,

we're in the transitional period of cushions. Because I'm trying to decide which ones of the old ones I want to keep and which ones of the new way I want to put them. I've got to try them in loads of different places. Because this brings us on to part two of me beef. 2.1

or 2.0. The ones that you've taken from the sofas i thought where they're gone loads of them have disappeared from the sofa some of my favorite ones by the way we had these big brown ones that would take off the brown sofa and i'd put them on the floor i put them on the floor against it and i'd lie on the floor sometimes and use them against the sofa they just appeared on the bed so there's now about 16 pillows on the bed. Honestly, it goes two foot of bed then just like nine foot of pillows. It's craziness.

This is... I'm sorry. Honestly. Have you said this before? No. It's mad. It takes up to 25 minutes to get into our bed. It's like I gave a pass the parcel on me own.

How nice does it look though? Yep, I'm never in that room unless I'm asleep or moving percussions. I get into bed, I'm sweating. You've unless I'm asleep or moving percussions I get into bed I'm sweating you've done this before I don't think I have this has been your beef before well

it's come back even if it has been my beef before it's come back I don't keep note of the beef so I keep track of the sponsors because obviously I've got all the financial records

for it oh hey I want a new I'm after a new sofa actually never in the world. Well, why don't you just buy one instead of trying to fucking build one out of cushions? It's cheaper.

It's time for questions from the public. With the Q's from the Pews, and the Pews are in the Q's, and then the Q's with all the Pews and the pews are in the cues and in the cues with all the pews and the karate chop cushions karate chop cushions brought to you by

karate chop cushions just in the break there I say break just while we go from peeps to questions Chris was going to google fortune cookies to show me

what he thinks the cushions look like and I said it's okay seen one of them before still going to happen still doing it guys as always if you want to get in touch

it is shaggedmaridanoid at gmail.com send us your hopes your dreams your questions your office polls your lockdown polls your lockdown wars

everything everything just send weight we love reading them Rosie loves reading them Chris never reads them I love being surprised by them each and every episode

this is my favourite part just because I get presents. I just get loads of little mysteries. Can I just tell you as well, you know, some of them are grotesque. Yeah, guys, you need to tone it down. It's made me worry about the world a little bit because some of these emails that I get are horrific. And, oh, actually, before we go ahead, I'm not really apologising,

but the nipple story. The nipple story affected more people than I thought it would. It did. So I was trying to work out what other story got more of a weird reaction, and it was the fishbowl story. The phlegm.

It was the bits of the air. The two ones. It's strange, isn't it? What'll't it what ironically no pun intended but what'll hit a nerve with people yeah but yeah but people are sending us things saying doctors have said it's no there's no way it's true like it couldn't have happened and then people say it definitely did happen and then it's just one of them things who knows we just read them out guys you know a lot of people have been sending them actually this week uh the article after we said it people been sending an article of them the mother and daughter who shower together oh yes just after we talked about it yeah apparently there was a mother and daughter in america who shower together when you i think she's 19 and then the mom's so but oh

i forgot to tell you my mom listened to the podcast great and apparently yes i did get in the bath with her but it wasn't on her request it was she was having a bath and i would just jump in that sounds that sounds like you yeah i'm a pain in the ass and my mom was like i didn't mind but at the same time i just want to have a bath by myself yeah so that makes more sense to me okay and you were 12? Like 11. Nearly 12. And I've also had it confirmed that we did count our pubes at Holy Island. Someone texted you, didn't they?

Yeah, my friend. It was there. Also counting our pubes. It's been confirmed. Whereabouts was she on the league table? I can't remember. I can't remember the specifics. My friend texted.

My friend and winner of the Holy Island Pube competition confirmed it was true and she still has the trophy. Yeah. It's a big pube. God alive. What's wrong with us?

But yeah so the article that we're getting sent was the lady was 50 odd and I think the daughter was 19 so they've blown you out of the water. I know.

But it's weird isn't it when you go 50 odd year old woman and the 19 year old daughter shower together, so they'd have blown you out of the water. I know. But it's weird, isn't it, when you go, 50-odd-year-old woman and the 19-year-old daughter shower together, and you go, all right, and then you go, in America, and you go, oh, okay. It's always that, isn't it? It's always that, like... Well, it's a lot bigger. A lot more room for weirdos.

A lot more going on, guys. A lot more going on. They might be on the meter. Do you know what I mean? My mom's on the meter. Yeah. She never has a paddling pool for the Bairns. I said, why don't you get a paddling pool for the Bains in the backyard?

She said, I'm on the meter. I went, I get it. Can't argue with that. Can I? Imagine filling a paddling pool when you're on the meter. Well, because kids go in it for three fucking seconds. Exactly. And then it kills your grass for four days.

Aye, pointless. Dickheads. Foist question. Are you ready? Yes. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I'm currently binging your podcast while going for runs. Foist question. Are you ready? Yes. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I'm currently binging your podcast while going for runs.

Oh, lovely. I'm only up to episode 37, so I apologise if you've been asked anything similar before. That's probably, to be fair, she's probably only up to episode 37. As soon as she gets to me being a bike guy, which is a little bit later, she'll stop going for runs and she'll go on a bike.

Obviously. Because bikes are better. That's really elitistist I said elitist just thinking it is I am good times speaking of bikes

just before we go ahead no would you stop I got bullied the other day on a bike ride you know

I got bullied I was going through the pedestrian tunnel and this bloke came down and he had like cycling

shorts on and I had like these long came down and he had like cycling shorts on and I had like these long cycling pants and he was like what you got there what you got trousers on for it's warm as anything what you got trousers on for

you big girls blouse and I was like and I've never been called a big girls blouse before in my life and it hurts not even on Strictly yeah but like

it goes without saying I was written on your dressing room door and I was upsetting and honestly the bloke was like what you got trousers on for man what you got them on for you're cold it's warm as out and I was written on your dressing room door and I was upsetting and he was honestly the bloke was like oh you got trowels on for man

what you got them on for you called it's warmers out and I was like no no I was just having a bit of a battle did he really call you big girls blouse he genuinely said the word

big girls blouse and then no word of a lie I went like down the down towards the quayside and I must have went a different way and he went a different way I got back to the quayside

where the sort of picture and piano was and he kind of joined where I was and he was on his bike and he went a different way I got back to the quayside where the sort of picture and piano was and he kind of joined where I was and he was on his bike and he started fucking shouting at us again going

you chose us on and I was like I didn't take them off half way imagine you turned up and I just had my kegs on I was just honestly I didn't know

I was like hey mate we can't all be blessed with beautiful legs like you and he was like laughing and I was like I think I've been bullied on a bike ride

I think you were bullied drive bys and that I know nasty pasty that's what the dood duty comedians are isn't it i love that love that part of your job oh yeah people right and shouting random insults at you and then they'll tell all their mates oh i had his life i what at a comedy club when he was prepared no no he was in pedestrian tunnel on his own and i was slagging him off having pants on and i saw him again on the key saying i shouted again because i'm class and he's just trying to have a bike ride because i'm funny honestly but then that's the worst thing

about being a comedian is you're either going to take it or you're going to go in far too hard and just absolutely ruin the day and they're like bloody hell he's an arsehole i've seen you do that before yeah yeah never going far too've seen you do that before. Yeah, yeah. Never worked. Going far too hard. And you go, that was absolutely unnecessary. Right. Hoping the thought of you potentially reading my question will make me run more so I can catch up sooner. Oh, there we go.

I've signed up to running 75 miles in May for Mind and could do with all the help I can get. Wow, 75 miles. Hold on. Over all of May. Not like in like forest gump in one go well it'll be all over the whole of may yeah that's a lot still a lot though yeah so here it is every day brackets sometimes more than once my partner boils the kettle and then forgets or gets distracted and then doesn't make a tea slash coffee yes what's worse is he will often ask me if i would like a tea obviously my answer is yes please and then of course no hot beverage arrives for me right right okay this isn't a thing shut up and listen stop i would

like to get through a question without you sticking your stupid oar in. Okay. Alright? Don't start a day. Right. On occasion, we have even been rushing around to go out. We have two kids and running late again. Mm-hmm.

Shock. And somehow, he thinks he has time for a quick coffee when we are minutes away from getting to the door. You do that. Mm.

Oh, playing the you do that game because a couple of paragraphs ago I've got a little bit to dig out with you. You've already done that before. It's been a beef. Yeah, but the best thing is

she's not up to that episode yet. She's only on 37. She's just said. So she hasn't even heard that she's just went across one of the beefs, which is beautiful. She'll get her wide on, I'm sure.

That's disgusting. That is, sorry. That is really horrible. Fucking hell. I'm sorry. It's because we're in our own home. This is why I say things that I would never say

in real life yeah would I say to our friends get a wide on getting a wide on does everyone understand what a wide on means

does everyone are we going to have to explain what a wide on is I think we might have to you know isn't this terrible haven't we even

nominated for awards with this drivel so it's basically like when you were when you were just i remember i haven't said wide on or heard wide on since i was about 14 and i'm getting a real rush of nostalgia here not good nostalgia so it'd be like when you were younger and your mate would get excited about something be like all right i've got my new bike or whatever he'd be like get a bloody stiffy man look at you having a stiffy about your bike have a hard on and now

the female version obviously from disgusting people like Rosie and her friends was obviously get a wide on meaning wet floor sign

over here meaning wet floor sign over here why does it even work wide on does it because it doesn't get

well yeah when you get sexually aroused your vagina widens does it now yeah how do you how do you think you get a willy in there gets a bit wider oh call a wide on oh christ i don't think so i'm so sorry that this is toying in this route we are talking about tea and coffee that's a really good that's a really good point we're talking about tea and coffee i also i just want to mention really quickly that you you are obsessed with bikes you were talking about when you were younger and people getting stiffies over stuff and you said over a

bike what's the matter with you i don't know you're bloody brainwashed by bikes you'll be outside half that's having a little talk that's click and collect you're gonna book in for your outside half that's now oh god anyway oh hey so he tries to make your coffee and i do that yeah the only thing worse than this annoying habit is when he actually makes it and then forgets it, lets it go cold, and then puts it in the microwave to warm it up. Hate that. Hate that. Nah. Vile that, like. Awful.

I can't get away with people who microwave their hot drinks. Just, I just can't. I can't get away with that. I'm trying to remember for the life of us here what, I worked on a TV show and some one person on the production could do it

in a microwave to the point of where it actually wasn't, it was on Strictly, the boilers were not on Strictly and one of the lasses God I can't remember her name terribly, I'm sure she listened to the podcast, could she was the only one out of the whole group who could microwave a cup of tea i remember she she was like look i'll do it and i was like

no i don't believe in it and she didn't i was like it's from scratch cold water right well that's fair enough i'm talking about people who make a cup of tea or coffee let it go cold and then put in the microwave yeah no that's fucking horrible yeah no throw it away also boiling the kettle is one of the highest uh so if he's boiling the kettle and leaving it and the microwave. Yeah, no, that's fucking horrible. I'm just like this. Yeah, no, throw it away. Also, boiling the kettle is one of the highest, so if he's boiling the kettle and leaving it and having to boil it again, that's one of the highest

electricity usages in your house. Yeah. Because the national grid, I'm sure there's something like they've got to click it up a notch when something like Strictly or X Factor or the fucking World Cup final

goes to a break because everyone walks, or like a massive coronation episode because everyone goes to the kitchen and turns their kettle on and they've got to click something up a notch. I'm sure someone told me that. It might be bollocks.

I'll probably get a couple of tweets saying it was bollocks. I got ravaged this week by twins who weren't from the same egg. Fuck me, they're touchy. Jesus. Thought they had thicker skin. In fact, they don't have thicker skin because twins from the same egg have thinner skin. fact they don't have thicker skin because twins

from the same egg have thinner skin I'll get bollocked for that as well but that's true that's why Henry Cooper kept losing to Muhammad Ali

wow so there you go because he was a twin Muhammad Ali got married in South Shield didn't he got his vows renewed in South Shield

next question why are you ruining it why can't I be buzzing about South Shield because I don't want Muhammad Ali's people emailing saying everyone's on us man

people have got nothing else to do man bloody twin society the bossing saying everyone's on us, man. People have got nowhere else to do, man. Bloody twin society, the boss-eyed society, everyone's on me back. That's very true. Yeah, I'm giddy. I don't know what I'm saying. I know.

But yeah, he needs a boiler tap. That boiler tap's the best thing we ever bought. I do love our boiler tap. Good God, I love it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Oh, this is bloody lovely, right? You're going to love this. Okay.

Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. You'll understand why. It's not rude or filthy or dirty or anything. I promise. Don't hate. Sandra, don't turn off just yet.

Yep. It might give you a wide on. You never know. That's awful. That's so necessary. I don't care anymore. Pass Karen, Chris. Who cares?

I've got a vagina. I like to talk about it. Right. Ready? Yes. care anymore. Pass Karen, Chris. Who cares? I've got a vagina. I like to talk about it. Right, ready? Yes. I've lived in my... She's gone rogue. Gone rogue? I think you'll find out... If we end up calling this episode wide on, I'm going to be very upset.

Has to be. I've lived in my flat for the last two years and I tend to keep myself to myself. However, since lockdown, I have noticed that I am smiling at strangers and saying hello to my neighbours more frequently. Yeah, so are we. Over the lockdown period, I have been baking an excessive amount. And one day I decided to share my baking with my neighbour, who was also isolating alone.

That evening, I received my first lockdown letter thanking me for cake and leaving his number in case I ever needed anything. We have sent exchange messages, doorstep deliveries and the odd glass of wine. Why not? I'm calling the police. Why? I don't know I just don't like the sound of it. I'm jealous. Oh, gosh. You ready? Yeah. Then last week, I received my second lockdown letter through the door.

I obviously presumed that it was from the neighbour who I've been in contact with, but I was surprised to find that this was another male neighbour who always says hello to me during the weekly clap for the NHS. male neighbour who always says hello to me during the weekly clap for the NHS. Again, he was checking that I was staying safe and also signed off with a phone number. I obviously felt obliged to text him to say thank you for his letter and expecting not to hear from him. But instead, we now talk every day. After this week's clap for the NHS, we spent an hour talking with our fellow clappers and we have since spent three evenings together from a social distance. Wow. Our conversations are extremely flirty, both via text and face to face.

Whilst she is older than me, I can't help but think there might be something there that's worth exploring. Oh. I think there's something there that wasn't there before. Oh, isn't it? That's enough. No, no, no. Oh, Jesus. Sorry.

But I'm also worried that his intentions are completely innocent and in fact reached out in order to maintain the social contact we're all currently missing during this strange time. Am I reading this wrong? Or have I, in fact, entered into the beginning of a potential lockdown romance? What do you think? What happened to the first fella? I should have binned him off. He was fucking, he got dropped during that email so quick.

He came and went. I think she was just making cakes and that for him. Yeah. And then this other guy, this old bastard. She actually fancies. Right. Because she's seen him at the NHS clap. Right.

Okay. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. So, and there's been a few glasses of wine exchanged. Oh, my goodness me. It's mad, isn't it? Because what she said there about,

is it just in lockdown? Is you just craving the attention? The social sort of interaction. You know when you're on holiday? Yeah. And you lower your standards of friend making really low. Do you mean when you're young? Yeah.

Or even now, you make friends on holiday and you're like, your standards are a bit lower than in real life. Well, everyone looks better in the sun. Yeah. But imagine like, that standards are a bit lower than in real life. Well, everyone looks better in the sun. Yeah. But imagine like, that might be the crack. People might be in blocks and stuff and people in apartments might be getting these little lockdown thing

and I wouldn't look twice at you, but it's lockdown. Desperate times. Desperate times. As soon as them doors are open, I'm just, you know, just going to stick my nose out the window.

Well, she did with the first one. Oh, he got, oh. So he was dropped. It's a casualty of the lockdown. That's that.

Popular. She must be a good looking lass. I tell you what, she must be baking good cakes, like. Yeah. Is that where all the fucking flour and the yeast's gone? Is it her?

Baking for a harem of gentlemen. Sick of her. Hey, you want to come and have a socially distanced drink of wine with me? Want some soda bread? I think it's lush. I would make a little film out of that.

I think that could be a good little movie. I think that could be a good little, yeah. Lockdown Love. Lockdown Lovers. Yeah, yeah. Lockdown Lovers on Lovers Lane. Yeah, Lockdown Lovers on... What kind of place does she live in?

Is it a apartment block? She didn't say. Sounds a bit MC to me. MC? Middle class. Middle class, yeah. It does sound middle class. Baking and having wine and stuff.

Baking and putting letters through each other's doors and that. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So far in that story, no one's filled a wheelie bin with water and jumped in it. No.

No one's had a barbecue. No fights. No fights. Middle class. Middle class. Very middle class lockdown. Absolutely scum. I hope they're all miserable.

Yeah, horror. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress

in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start out evil things of evil it's oh no don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the

mother mother of what is the most terrifying six six six it's the mark of the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now 6-6 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. What's the real story? What's the real story? Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,

when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hi Chris and Rosie. Hello. I look forward to your podcast every Friday and this is a story that happened over 25, 25 years ago. Goodness me. Take her back now y'all. You ready? Yep. My brother was an operating orderly at our local hospital. Cool. This was a teaching hospital so there would be students in the operating theatre.

One day my brother was in theatre when one of the top consultants was performing an abdominal operation. There were student doctors there as well. During the operation there was a dreadful smell. The consultant then explained to the students that there must be a problem with the bowel and that he would have to cut into the bowel to examine it. On which one of the students put his hand up and said, I'm sorry, I just farted. Oh, no, you know what? Fair play to them,

because I thought they weren't going to admit to that then. Some poor fucker was going to get his bowel chopped open. My brother said the consultant just looked over his glasses and did not say a word and carried on with the aberration. Oh see it i can see the look oh god imagine that imagine you're in theater watching somebody perform an operation and there's such a bad smell that the surgeon's like right there's something going on with his bowel here i'm gonna have to cut this bowel open this is emerged this is what happens you need to have all your senses senses open you to be aware of all your surroundings we're gonna have to open him up this is putrid this is absolutely disgraceful his bowel is knackered you just put your hand up like

just farted oh sorry i had a curry last. Honestly, now your thoughts are bad when a doctor thinks her bowel's ruptured. Good God. I can see the look over the glasses and just silence and just continue and that must have hurt so much. You know we never lived that down. Oh, totally. George's upset is though, I watched all of Grey's Anatomy.

That never happened. I would love that. I'd have watched it if that happened. Yeah. I must have told you about... I told you about my mate who's... When his daughter was young and was in the cot. You know when the baby's in the cot in the bedroom with you at first? He farted in the middle of the night and she woke up screaming with a smell.

Oh, God. Woke up screaming with a smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was that? So he's proud of that, Jason. Walked up screaming with the smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was that? So he's proud of that, Jason. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So he just said he just farted.

When he said it was like the worst smell ever and the beer was just like... Ah! It was like the whole world was ending. And I must have told you about... You've never ever told us that. I've never told you that. No.

He's proud of that. That's horrible. I must have told you about carl hutchinson when he was on the train oh god we went one podcast episode without mentioning did we yeah but go on carry on i must have told you about when carl was on the train i don't know i'll tell you this and then i might have to ring him and ask him that this can go in okay because it might not right um but he was on the train coming back from a weekend of gigs somewhere, and he was sitting, and there was a family next to him, and they had a dog on the floor,

and Carl was knocking out disgusting farts, and the whole family were blaming the dog, and Carl didn't say anything. He sat there, and he let them, and they're like, oh, no, oh, naughty dog, oh, goodness me. he sat there and he let them and they're like oh no oh naughty dog oh goodness me she's never like this

I don't know what's happening what are you being eaten and then apparently as they were leaving they discussed the fact that they were going to have to take out of the vets on Monday and he still didn't say anything

it's horrible it's awful. Do you remember when Robin was a baby and you changed his nappy? But then like 20 minutes later, you were like... You were like, I can still smell his poo.

And you were going around everywhere. You were like sniffing everything. You were like, I can still smell his poo. And then I looked at you. You had a massive bit of his poo and you were going around everywhere you were like sniffing everything you're like i can still smell his poo and then i looked at you you had a massive bit of his poo inside yeah i remember that all right i don't know how it happened must have been when he flicked his leg or something it literally landed inside the nostril it was hanging out and he went out and smelled it everywhere it was in my nose oh hey that was good that was a good day it was awful

that was awful i put the photo over online i was like i could smell i was like i could smell poo all day and i put it on the mate of mine text us going mate in that photo you've got like shit hanging out your nose you know you might want deleted i was like that was the joke babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi chris and rosie before lockdown we went on a night out and my housemate brought a guy home do you remember them one night guys oh i've seen guys bit of both yeah i don't know one night stands terrifying now you like look back at them as a married person with a child i'm i'm scared of one night stands now i find them to be i find them to be uh worrying okay strange that it's the norm strange that it's very i know everyone's agreed on it i don't know i just find it i think it's because i imagine robin growing up and having it

and doing it when he's older and i just think, ugh. Do you know what I mean? He might not. We'll see. He might not have one of these stands. He might not. You never know. I mean, I bet he will.

He's your son. I knew you were going to say that. Okay, so, instead of ripping each other's clothes off, he paused to get undressed and lay his clothes

flat on the floor in the layout of a person with his watch neatly where his wrist would be. I like this guy. This reminded me of you. But my thing is, right,

because I could understand if he, like, took his clothes off and folded them. He's laid them out on the floor like a person. Yeah. That's horrible. Why would you do that? And then he's put his watch on the floor like a person yeah that's horrible why would you do that and then he's put his watch where his wrist is

I like that though I do like that I don't know why but I like it like when a person when a person dies in a murder scene and they draw a chalk

around them yeah he's done a chalk around himself yeah it is strange maybe he was doing like a big heart attack was it neil buchanan so he took all them off the watch thing's weird i do i kind of i don't know but he doesn't i

wouldn't i wouldn't do that on someone else's floor i would do that so i've done that in hotels on beds to see what i'm gonna wear so if i'm about like if i'm staying over and running i'm gonna go and do the one show or gig or something I'll lay it out on the bed. But not if you're taking off to about have a one night stand with someone. That is weird. Strange, isn't it? I still like them.

Would you have had sex with them? Personally, no. No, I wouldn't have. Me neither. But that's just my personal choice. Just putting them on, it was strange as floor. Maybe he didn't want them creased.

That's it. He just didn't want them creased. That was, that's it. He just didn't want them creased. That, oh, Rosie. What? That is, he didn't want them creased. I've just worked this out. He laid them out on the floor like that. The watch thing is strange, but he didn't know where to put it.

That is a man who was lost and left watches at other one-night stands, and that is a man who does not like creased clothes on the walk of shame in the morning. That is a professional one-night stand that we're talking about. That is a slag. He's a fully... He's an absolute...

Hey, I've worked it out. He's a slag. Honestly, we nearly moved on to the next question there, and I did a podcast version of turning around like Columbo and coming back to the mic. And I've worked that out. Got it bang on. That is a professional one-night stand.

Yes! He probably nicks a bit of a deodorant, goes to work. Yeah. But that's what he's done. He's laid them out on the floor. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

And the watch thing is just because he'll have probably put one down a couple of times and left them. So now we've put it exactly where the watch would be. What a pro. What a guy would be. What a pro. What a guy. Yeah. What a guy. Hope his dick falls off.

Why? Don't know. Jealous. God. Okay, so do you remember last week I said about being, I wanted to pick people shopping? Yes. It's a horrific job. Really? I've had loads people shopping. Yes. It's a horrific job. Really?

I've had loads of emails. Oh, really? This explains it quite well. Okay. Hi, Rosie and bike guy. That's annoying. That's me. Just wanted to say that after listening to Rosie talk about

what job she fancied doing during last week's podcast, I felt I had to speak up. Let me tell you now, the novelty of picking people's shopping wears off very fast. I work for a posh supermarket. It rhymes with bait nose.

Schnitt nose? Schnitt nose. Tate nose. No idea. I do night shifts and part of my job now is picking. At Christmas, we picked at no more than 138 orders on the busiest nights.

Since all this COVID malarkey, we have increased our delivery slots and pretty much have around 165 orders. Not where we live, haven't you, tossers? What do you mean? We can't get them delivered anymore. They've closed their area down.

They've shut off. Because we don't live near enough. Unbelievable. To a schnate nose. Schnate down. They've shut it off. Because we don't live near enough. Unbelievable. To a schnate nose. It is bloody hard work. This is the bit that I don't like about it, right? We get timed on our speed. Oh! You have to reach

a certain target, in brackets, pick rate. We currently have to bag everything. Usually it's optional for the customers, as the drivers are currently not allowed to enter people's houses. So on on an average night i'll bag around 800 items you're non-stop on your feet pushing a trolley that needs a good whack of wd-40 and lifting heavy crates not to mention dealing with customers notes on items such as if substituting my shortbread it must contain butter at the end of my shift i'm a a totally broken woman, running on empty,

and aching in places you never knew possible. Yeah, so I'm over that job. See, I love a slow dawdle around the supermarket, especially now. If I'm waiting in that queue to get in, I hear her come over

the announce and speak. I'm like, please do your shopping as quick as possible. I'm like fucking, I'm looking at hose extensions in the fucking garden bit. I'm like, bollocks. don't even need one why not although i understand that the um the customer comments

might be annoying but can you be can you imagine if you ordered all but a shortbread and then you got given some shortbread that didn't have any butter in well and you'd requested all butter another email that i got was that the people picking the shop and don't do the substitutes, it's a computer. Oh, all right. So there was one lady who was packing stuff and they'd wanted a white sauce like for lasagna, like a bechamel sauce,

and it's substituted to like a tomato sauce and she had to go drop it off and she was like, sorry. So it's not the pick-ass fault. I'm glad I know that. But here's a little story segueing from that. Go for it. Into another one. All right, ready for this?

Go for it. Hi, Chris and Rosie. After listening to this week's podcast and Rosie's interest to become an online pick-ass for people shopping, I thought I'd write this email in as this is exactly what I do at a high-end supermarket. Oh, got all the bloody high-end as bragging.

No one said just supermarket. You're all bloody giving it large, aren't you? Yeah, I tell you what. I just like it when posh people listen to the show, so that's good. Yeah, to be fair. Oh, yeah, and when the shop opens, I take it to people's cars in the car park

to help load it into their boots. Okay. Can you do that? Is that something you can do? She can do it, she can do it. This is a recent role I've taken up and by the first day I was traumatised. And when you hear why, you won't get it out of your head. Oh, oh no.

On the first early morning of picking people's online shopping, I had two fairly normal weekly shops to complete for customers. You know, bread, eggs, cereal, etc, etc. However, the third online shop I had to collect consisted of some very interesting items. Just to set the scene, an online shop must be at least £45 or over to be picked for, nothing less.

The order was mainly consisted of multiple types of condoms, multiple types of lube, large cucumbers. No. No. I was confused by this order. Multiple types of lube. Jesus. Large cucumbers. No. Yes. No.

No. I was confused by this order. You could know. Have you heard some of the things we get? But the net on some people, man. The online shop and high end. We don't get them from blimmin' wherever this is. Oh, go on.

Read on. So, I was confused by this order and thought, well, at least someone's enjoying quarantine. Fair point. And having a salad well that's what they've put huge massive salads and sex someone's living the dream um as it was on my list of orders i had to pick the items with very odd looks from my colleagues when they saw my trolley full of sex equipment and cucumbers. Brilliant. I completed this online shop and the rest of my chores of the early morning. And when the shop opened, the customer who completed this shop came to collect it.

And I had to take it to them. When I reached the car, out came a barely mobile man in his late 70s. And in the passenger seat was his wife, who was knitting some kind of scarf or something. I was shocked. As I was loading the shopping into their car I glanced over and saw the old guy inspecting the products he'd bought. Reading the labels of each one showed his wife who looked delighted. I didn't know where to look. I had become as red as a tomato through pure embarrassment. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. As I finished packing his shopping, I said, enjoy your day, sir, with a grin, and turned to walk back to the store.

He replied, we will, young man, and winked at me. I've got to respect that. I know, and folded himself into his car. Jackpot. I was slightly traumatised and ran into the store and went to the cafe to have the strongest cup of coffee known in existence. Very good. Do you know what I like about that?

What? I love that, you know, who cares? You can be whatever age and to be honest, I hope our sex life does get better when we're older because I think we'll just have more time. Yeah. And we'll not give a shit as much. But my other thing, what I thought when I read this, I think we'll just have more time. Yeah. And we'll not give a shit as much. But.

Yeah. My other thing, what I thought when I read this, once a slag, always a slag. Oh, Jesus. That's someone's nana you're talking about. I wasn't talking about her.

I was talking about him. Oh, him. Yeah. Because, you know, there is like, and possibly women as well. There's a lot of blokes who are just pure sex pests these men who will who never settle down they're always like bachelors and they and it's like not to tar them all with the same brush because i'm totally not

and but you know when you watch programs these programs on the telly where they're like oh yeah yeah yeah different girl every night bloody blah they just get older but they're just the same do you know what i mean that's probably his third third girlfriend of the week in the car with him wonder what she was knitting a cock sock probably hi chris and rosie hi my boyfriend josh and i have been living together for three months before lockdown was announced. We have lots of fun, but I've started to notice a few habits of his. Good time to notice them as well. Excellent. When Josh eats his dinner, he'll load up his fork and rather than bring his fork to his mouth, he'll lead his head so far forward it's almost in his food and then bite off his fork so he

literally takes his mouth to his food rather than the food to his mouth yeah please tell him this is not how you're meant to eat and he'll end up with back problems if he keeps doing it sorry I was quiet I was just miming it so if you just mime it now Right so Yeah So let's imagine The elbows are on the table Yeah So keep them about there Right

Okay Cut your thing up Yeah so then turn your Imaginary fork towards you Yeah you take it to your mouth Yeah but now But lean down Yeah that's fucking weird

That's horrible That's really weird I've seen people do it though Yeah I've seen some people Who are like right next to the I'm gonna move my mic down They're right next to the, I'm going to move my mic down, they're right next to the plate

and they're just like shoveling it in at the plate level. I mean, I'm a huncher if I'm really hungry. You are a bit of a huncher. I eat ridiculously fast

and I'm a huncher. Yeah. But I don't take my body down to the fork. No. It's like he's doing crunches. It's not going to be good for him. I'm going to notice that now.

It's fucking annoying. I'm going to notice people doing that now and it's going to do me tits in I mean not for a while we're not going anywhere for a while

yeah yeah good point if I see someone do it on the telly I'm going to be so excited there's another one okay it's just put here how can you is this

until I'm being together long I'd just like to say though he is lovely and living with him is brilliant but I do have one more beef great I love him he's great he's the love, he is lovely and living with him is brilliant. But I do have one more beef.

Great. I love him. He's great. He's the love of my life. I love living with him while we're here. Yeah, might tell you another one. Get me list out.

One evening, Josh was going for a wee and brushing his teeth at the same time. You do that and it's monkey. Weeing and brushing my teeth. You literally

get your thing out and hang it over the toilet and brush your teeth at the same time get your thing out and hang it over the toilet and brush your teeth at the same time. I take my dick to the toilet as well. Disgusting. I'm joking. Horrible.

She's put here, fair play, speeds up the bedtime routine. It does. I don't see the problem. However. Don't see the problem with that. He then spat his toothpaste into the toilet on top of his wee before flushing. No problem with that. I've got no wee before flushing. No problem with that. I've got no, I do that.

No problem at all. What, what, what? You're keeping that wee, were you? What are you doing? Yeah, I don't, I kind of don't see the problem with that either. I do that. She said, she said it's rude.

That's what's upset her more. Why? Dunno. She said this is disgusting. That he spat on his own wee how could he dare treat his wee like that tell you what she'd have been really upset with me

if she'd have known me when I had food poisoning right oh okay there was a lot of just being on the toilet having to sit down, stand up and turn around and the flush ran out of water there was a lot of that you know what I mean having to sit down, stand up and turn around and the flush ran out of water. There was a lot of that.

You know what I mean? Oh, gee whiz. Lost four pound. Oh, well, every cloud. Every cloud has a sound. Fitting to her dress. While crying. Shat myself.

Hello, Chris and Rosie. I know it's a longish story but it's worth it because it's super weird always good always going to have a lot always going to be held by a narrative I feel yeah it's a good

it's a good narrative let's go for it here we go so here goes my story of how an innocent act of trying to sell a car turned into a very awkward situation and went from zero to 100 real

quick that's like the blurb on the back of a book it is isn't it it got me hooked it just got me fair enough is it yes it is it is a girl yeah my boyfriend charlie and i are currently in new zealand and are returning home soon and needed to sell the car that we had bought whilst being out here before coming back. Got you. Is this pre-lockdown? I think so. I went back a little bit further, yeah. Well, if it is, don't come back.

Yeah. No cases there. Better off where you are. Stay in New Zealand, please. Oh, God. For yourself. Save yourself. We met this lovely lady who was viewing the car,

and she had a 16-month-old child in a pushchair. She was English, which shocked me, as I thought, what were the odds of that? But this isn't even half of what was going to shock me. She wanted to test drive the car, but obviously couldn't because of her child. After talking to her some more, she decided that we were trustworthy enough

for her to be able to leave her 16-month-old child with us. That's ridiculous. And she'd only be two minutes. That's ridiculous. Off she went, and off we went for a stroll with the child. Madness. We were walking along this path and turned back on ourselves as we didn't want to walk too far for obvious reasons. As we started walking back from where we had came from a man

started calling out to us saying excuse me so we stopped and waited for him to catch up to us my first thought was that he was drunk and was going to try and hassle us for money or something like that but oh how wrong i was what do you think it is? My head's gone crazy. Yeah. You ready? But I don't want to say what I think it is because I think I've nailed this. Okay. Go.

He proceeded to tell us that the child was his son. Right. And started taking photos of us with the child as he is in a custody battle with the mother and he was sending the photo straight to his lawyer wow i was immediately worried that he was lying and could have been anyone pretend to be the child's father to try and steal the child or if it was actually the father that he may not have been allowed to see the child and was still going to try and take the child with him did you think it was that no so i went sillier than that what did you think that she'd stole that child to swap it for a car what that she'd stole the child then when can you just watch me

child while i test drive your car i'm obviously coming back you've got me child not my child wow wow that's where my brain went dark i mean i've seen the emails we get some of them are that crazy yeah yeah um he was nice to us by saying that he wasn't angry at us, as we seemed like genuine people and trustworthy. Charlie, her boyfriend, said to him to take the child back, but then the father was fine with him to carry on pushing the child along. So there we were, walking along, pushing this man's child in a pushchair with him by the side of us.

Whilst walking back, he decided to air his dirty laundry and told us that he'd already spent $20,000 on this custody case and that karma had finally come to his favour. Wow. The woman returned from her test drive and you could see the instant oh shit look on her face.

What an idiot. I know. She got out of the car and casually walked over to us and the father started saying to her that this wasn't going to look good for her letting two strangers

look after their child and she said that it was fine by saying she knew us didn't she oh no so they're stuck

in the middle of that whilst looking at us for help I'm sorry custody battle or not what would you do would you ever leave your baby

with someone you were test driving their car no come on man well it depends if he's being a dick that day but on a usual day

no way that's so something similar well not similar at all but the only thing I can remember along the lines of my dad

doing a stupid thing like that my dad used to make us go and watch South Shields over 40s play on a Sunday morning football I think my dad used to either coach them and watch um south shields over 40s play on a sunday morning football i think my

dad used to either coach them or help out or do something and his mates used to play so he was the linesman once and he was up and down the being like the last standing there with a little flag being the linesman and i must have been eight or nine and he someone had came who he knew and the hat he had to go and get something from the car or something and he handed me the linesman flag and went right if they kick the ball i'll put it that way and if them ones kick the ball i'll put it that way and i went okay and i remember i loaded the players looked at my dad went how are you man billy don't and he went all right and he just took the flag back off us he's like oh we're trying to make it like a nine-year-old linesman for a football man while he went and got something

out of someone's fucking car that's the level of stupid that we're dealing with here but this is much more dangerous

what she's done and that was a long time ago as well yeah my grandma used to leave us outside the bookies at the nook

brilliant me mum phoned out and she got a bit cross it all makes so much sense now you knocking around outside the bookies oh yeah

we'd just be stood outside the bookies the three of us learning what a wide on is that's where I first heard it. It probably is a betting term. That's probably where you've got it from.

Might be about horses. You never know. Never know. We got the keys back and the pair of them started walking off having a very heated discussion and we got back into our car and drove away. When we got back to Charlie's house, we couldn't believe what had just happened. The woman messaged us asking for charlie to call her she was clearly very embarrassed and wouldn't stop apologizing

and that even after all of this she was still interested in our car and that if came to it she would be able to say that she knew us through a friend to which charlie told her she could say whatever she wanted as if we would be back home in england in the next few days anyway wow and all we wanted to do was sell our goddamn fucking car which which we did end up doing but to another woman wow all i can think about now though is that a random man has a photo of the both of us pushing his child in a push chair whilst looking very confused on his phone and i wonder how long you'll keep it for. Wow. They're very lucky in the case of there's no way they can be followed, especially with lockdown,

there's no international travel really, so no one's going to follow them and try and hunt them down. But they've left New Zealand and they're here in lockdown and there's no cases over there now, so hard lines. Thanks so much for listening

to this week's Shagmire Denoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, indeed. If you want to get in touch, it's shagmiredenid at gmail.com. We hope you're well. We hope you're safe. We hope we're giving you a little giggle during the lockdown.

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