Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 67. Streets of Heferlon

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

The beefs get real on this week's podcast when Rosie takes it to a whole new level! The pair discuss the six in a garden dilemma and they share the joy of Robin starting to do chores. As always the QFTP's go from the weird to the disgusting - this week they include a Pizza rating system, a smelly face and questionably, charitable ex boyfriend. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and so crossed off... What was that? That was horrible. Got no idea. Pulled a really strange face when you did it as well.

Was it sexy? No, the opposite. The opposite of sexy. And then worse again. Unsexy? Yeah, but then worse added on top of that. Disgusting? Into the minuses.

Yeah, awful. Never do that again. Good grief. Hi, guys. It's episode... Sorry, that. Disgusting. Into the minuses. Yeah. Awful. Never do that again. Good grief. Hi guys. It's episode... Sorry, that was a bit harsh. It's episode 67. Yes!

Oh my goodness. Episode 67. It's like you were playing bingo and 67 was the last number you needed and you just got really excited and screamed. I don't even know a call for 67. That's annoying, isn't it?

I think it's six and seven. But is it Fat Ladies or anything no no it's just 67 nearly a 69 6 and 7

not quite there belly button not there yet not enough dates 6 and 7 I don't know who's doing 69 in the intro

why does this who's doing 69 we'll talk about that later great I can't stop we haven't even done or shall we save it for episode 69 i don't know let's yeah i'll write it down now well you got that look forward to uh guys as always thank you so so much for listening and rating and subscribing and all that stuff and before we start a word from this week's lucrative lucrative real sponsor

real making nothing can i just say that no can i seriously can i just say this right because there's other things happening we're gonna say some stuff at the beginning and sometimes there's like someone else reading a thing look this what you're about to hear is where the real sponsors are at right all the rest of it hashtag fake news it's a waste of time but what you're about to hear this guy specifically these guys got in touch because in the summer there the weather's really nice outside the sales are down sales are down across the board for these guys so in touch because in the summer the weather's really nice outside the sales are down sales are down across the board for these guys

so at this time of year they like to get a little plug and I've actually done them a really good deal can I just say I just want you all to know that I have no idea

what he's going to say at this point so right carry on right so they've been in touch

yeah they've been in touch because you know summer's not the best time for them. So I thought, as I'm a big fan of them myself. It's not an elf, is it? No, no, no. It's not seasonal. It's not seasonal.

Okay. This week's sponsor is Soup. Hey, Soup. You hungry? Soup. Thirsty? Soup. Feeling ill?

Soup. A little bit cold? Soup. Thirsty? Soup. Feeling ill? Soup. A little bit cold? Soup. Hey, get some bread in there. Skint? Soup. Hey, microwave a pan. It's up to you.

Soup. Posh air in a pan, innit? Hey, get a waffle in there. Dip, dip. Soup. Okay. Let's go with that. I like soup.

There we go. Money in the bank. We don't eat it in the summer at all. Money in the bank. Don't do it. No, it's weird. I was going to have some of it and I thought I can at the sunshine.

It's weird. Yeah. Yeah. Soup. I remember for our wedding when we went to pick the menu and they were like, soup's very popular.

It was July. I was like, I'll not be having soup. Thank you. Did we not have soup? No. We had a salad. Salad? Like a seasonal vegetable salad. It was July. I was like, I'll not be having soup. Thank you. Did we not have soup? No. We had a salad. Salad?

Like a seasonal vegetable salad. It was lovely. It was like parma ham. No wonder we've got no friends. I know. Salad. We were very selfish with our meal choice of our wedding. I can't remember what the food on the night was.

I can't remember most of it. It was good though. Great. Good. Really glad you enjoyed yourself. Wish we'd had soup. Right. No. I'm glad we didn't have soup. It was the hottest day of the year. Everyone got burnt.

Yes, the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle jingle. So this is the jingle jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode. Thanks for coming back again, we really appreciate it.

Thanks indeed, yeah, we'll love it. It's still lovely that people enjoy us talking. What a drivel, Chris. Fucking such crap Fucking such crap. I know. Such crap. But, you know, it is what it is. Caught us in a good mood today. Oh, that's good.

You're welcome. Podcast for... Hey, you're a lucky lot. This is weekly. Yeah. I have at least... I can sometimes have eight bad days in a row. Yeah.

So you've caught us at least three weeks on the trot now in a good mood. Oh, well, look at that. Fantastic. Might be why we're all high up in a good mood. Oh, well, look at that. Fantastic. Might be why we're all high up in the charts. I wonder if that's what it is. Because they're like, oh. She doesn't sound horrible this week. She's not miserable as sin this week.

Absolutely. Hey, you looking forward to having six people in your garden? Can it bloody wait? Although, no, it's not six people. It'll only be three. For us, because we've got three people. Because we've got three, yeah. At time of recording, we're actually recording this on Sunday.

not later in the week. We've got stuff to do this week. So we're recording it on Sunday. So this is the day before the six people in the barbecue. Honestly, I've got six chairs piled up outside, bloody gagging for it. Midnight. Second midnight hits tonight. I'm putting them on the fucking lawn. Can gagging for it they are I know midnight second midnight hits tonight I'm putting them on the fucking lawn can it wait

come on I did get a very funny text though from our friends we've got friends Rachel and Michael Fleming are very good friends

they've got two kids Rachel sent me a message saying like what we're going to do it's like Sophie's Choice which one of the kids are you going to bring oh man

I was like well only one of them can stay at home on their own because one of them's a teenager and one of them's like a toddler yeah yeah yeah so there you go you're at home alone lucy hard lines but then who looks after the kids do you know what sorted it because lucy always looks after the kids she's always really good looks after uh robin and finn she's really good with them. I'll not come. Oh, right, great. So that's all right.

So what, you're just going to leave? I'll just go on my bike. You are, honestly, you've loved this, haven't you? You don't have to hug anyone. You don't have to see people. You are having the best, this is why we aren't getting along as well recently. You're enjoying this too much. Look, I'm not enjoying it.

Can I just say now, I'm not enjoying it. And by the way, people who are enjoying it, right, stop fucking telling people who are miserable that you're enjoying this too much. Look, I'm not enjoying it. Can I just say now, I'm not enjoying it. And by the way, people who are enjoying it, right, stop fucking telling people who are miserable that you're enjoying the lockdown. It's really fucking insensitive, right? Your people. It's annoying, right? I'm not enjoying it.

But I'm trying to make the best of it. And look, I've got to be honest with you, me bikes saved me life here. I know he slags off for being a bike guy. Not again. It saved me life. I love me bike. I can't wait till September hits. Right. And you never see the fucker for dust. Right. What, because of the cold weather? Uh-huh. I love me bike. I can't wait till September hits.

Right. And you never see the footgrapher dust. Right. What? Because of the cold weather? Uh-huh. Already thought of it. What?

Going to get some snow tires for it. You telling me you're still going to be out cycling when it's cold? You don't even go out when it's windy, man. You wimp. I don't actually. There's nothing more upsetting than riding a bike in the wind. I'm not, Chris. We're not talking about your bike again.

The people love it, man. Most do not love it. They absolutely don't love it so let's stop don't right don't did you just flatline my bike just died just flatline i wish you would die oh i'm cutting it off here's something yeah just with what's been happening this week it's got nothing to do with their cover 90 and you'll be glad okay cool um robin's getting a little bit older now yeah so i've recently been trying to like get him to do favors for us yeah have you noticed i keep saying will you go and do this for mommy and will you do and he's really good at it i've been doing that too good yeah he's getting very good at it um but i don't know whether you've noticed this the other day i asked him to do

as a favor and there was two coat hangers downstairs god knows why I was like can you put them coat hangers at the bottom of the stairs

for mummy I'd really appreciate it and I was like that'd be great because we do that don't we though we don't we don't take something

all the way upstairs we go we relay shit round the house yeah leave it at the bottom of the stairs yeah we do that yeah

that needs to go upstairs that will be moved from living room to bottom of stairs checkpoint alpha yeah yeah i'm not going all the way upstairs to take them up i'll leave them at the bottom not in one go no oh god no and then when i go upstairs to maybe i don't know yeah put some deodorant on or something yeah then i'll take it up doubt it yeah so said robin can you please put them out the bottom of the stairs he's like yeah yeah mommy i will and i went you little legend right okay thank you two minutes later mommy yeah mommy look all right what what's happened i've put them at the bottom of the stairs come

and have a look i was like no robin that's fine that's great thank you so much thank you for putting them no come and look look at where I put them. Had to go check. Yeah. And congratulate them. I put them up on the stairs. Could have done it myself. Pointless. Yeah, pointless.

I hope you took something else with you. Did you take something else that needed to be left at Checkpoint Alpha? I didn't, no. Unbelievable. I know. Wasted, wasted journey. Wasted, wasted. Pointless.

When does he get better? He's good. You know the jobs he does for me. You know what I've taught him to do. What? Go and get his beer from the fridge. Get your beers, yeah. Yeah, he knows the difference

between Camden Hells and Corona and a Modelo now. It's always good fun though because you get him to get a beer but then the whole time he comes back you go,

careful, careful, careful. Yeah, and he leaves the fridge open. And then you shout at him for five minutes asking him if he should shut the fridge. You know what the problem is, right? On Instagram,

I've seen videos of Labradors that can fucking do this, right? They put a bit of rope around the fridge handle and should shut the fridge. You know what the problem is, right? On Instagram, I've seen videos of Labradors that can fucking do this, right? They put a bit of rope around the fridge handle and they pull the fridge open and they get it and then they close the fridge and they bring the beer over to the owner. And my child can't even do it. He leaves the fridge open.

Dogs are probably smarter than kids. Yeah, probably. Are we? Definitely our kid. Definitely ours. For sure. We've currently got a paddling pool outside. We do have a paddling pool.

Shout out to everyone who's got paddling pools in the garden at the moment. Fucking pointless. What a waste of time. What do you mean? It takes so long to blow up. Even longer to fill up. Then you've got to put some hot water in as well. And then it just sits there.

I've had to buy a net because there's that many flies in it. I've got a little pool net thing. The water is cloudy. I don't know what's in there. Well, it's ready to be changed. Yeah, and I know the grass underneath it's dead. And there's a hole in it. Do you know what it is?

You are rotten. I'd hate to have you as my dad. Wow! Can you imagine? Wow! Paddling pools are a stable part of any child's life. Rosie, honestly, I blew it up. I had a head rush.

I felt ill. He kept asking us if it was done or not. Then I filled it up with water. Then he said it was too cold. Then he played in it for three seconds and came in and watched the telly. But he had a lovely time. I wanted to go and grab him and just dunk him in it for like an hour. Go and enjoy the paddling pool.

It's not how it works. It's really not how it works. The flies have had more fun in it than him. And they all died. Risky business. Risk versus reward. Don't do it, Rog! It's lethal in the image!

The fly called Roger. That was the fly called Roger. The fly was called Roger and he shortened it to Rog. Yeah. Great. A couple of cool dude flies we've got in there. Jesus. We watched Rocketo, bah.

We watched Rocketman, finally. Rocketman. Burning on the streets of Heverlon. You made us laugh a lot the other night, right? We watched Rocketman. It was another... Phenomenal film. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. No, what was it? No, Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga.

Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. Freud, no what was it? No, Schadenfreude. Leperquassing. Leperquassing. So Rosie didn't realise that the lyrics are rock a man burning out his fuse up here alone.

Yeah, but for years, apparently years, Rosie's been singing there. Rocking man burning out the streets of Heffalon. The streets of Heffalon. No one knows where Heffalon is, Streets of Heffalon. No one knows where Heffalon is, but while walking around

the house the other night, Rosie actually sung it and then quietly said to herself, I wonder where Heffalon is. And I nearly died laughing. Burning on the Streets of Heffalon. Of Heffalon. Great film. He was amazing, that Taron Egerton. Fantastic. Unreal.

Very good film just here we always do that we always do it with all of them i do it with every film go oh no we'll get around to it and then we watch it and i'm like that i wish i'd watched that before i'll tell you the three most recent films i've done it with i did it with bohemian rhapsody i did it with um three billboards outside ebbing missouri that was good and i did it with uh that one i go nah i don't know what something brain goes, you're not like that. And I go, yeah, you're right. And then I watch it and I go,

that was the best thing I've ever seen. Yeah. I mean, it was very annoying because if you haven't seen it yet, obviously it's all about Elton John, his life, career, everything. And it's shot a bit like a musical, but Chris...

I couldn't be having it. Chris, stupidly, at one minute minute he was a child and then he was singing something then he was in another street and chris was like well how did he get there and i was like are you are you all right like what a stupid thing to say i'm absolutely fine with biopics skipping massive chunks of the life so the sort of the kind of skip these adolescent years the skip these teenage years until he was like, you know, doing gigs in like back in bands but what happened was

him as a child was going for his first gig in the local pub. Spoiler alert, him as a child was going for his first gig in his local pub and he starts playing

some classical and then his nana goes play that one I like and then he starts playing Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting and then he's 21 and I was like,

right, so he wrote Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting when he was fucking nine then did he? And Rosie was like, no. Well no, he might have. Well, I'll never know, will I? Because his bastard

biopic didn't tell us. If his biopic didn't tell us, how am I going to find out? But I wanted to know. Listen, you haven't danced to millions of people to that song. I have. It means something to me, right? And I want to know when it was written. And if you wrote it when he was nine, I'm even more impressed. Oh, well, true.

I got upset, didn't I, when that came on? Yeah. Fucking emotional. You were like, why am I emotional at this song? Did I used to perform it? And I went, you know, I did it in Strictly. And you went, oh, that must be it.

And that just tells me how pissed you were every Saturday watching it. Christ alive. Hey, tell you what. I'm so grateful for the You're Strictly experience. Yeah. And, well, I had a party, didn't I? Every weekend, every Saturday night

with all my family and friends. I'm glad I that that done to be fair yeah lovely memories yeah not bad yeah i'm glad i wasn't there for any of that good times so am i yeah to be fair i would have been a nightmare oh horrible don't like people in the house don't like it it's time for what's your beef there'll be no beefs again this week really no because I have something very important to share with the listeners

okay re my beef so I would like to go first this week oh wow if that's okay wow is that alright

because there's no messing around you're going straight in with the beef straight to the beefs okay it's a very sensitive topic

okay just happened today actually so just to let you all know just let you behind the curtain a little bit chris has been asking me to cut his hair for quite a while now four weeks four weeks and um i've just kind of been putting it off and whatever and i said i would i knew i could do it i'm gonna let you finish this whole thing and i'm gonna chime in with my with what

actually happened all right oh what actually happened all right okay then well you don't a byddaf yn mynd i ymuno â'r hyn sydd wedi digwydd. Iawn, beth sydd wedi digwydd. Iawn, iawn, wel, nid ydych chi'n gwybod hynny, Christopher, ond rydw i wedi recordio'r holl beth ac rydw i wedi'i ddod i lawr i un snyfyd 2 munud 45. A fyddwch chi'n hoffi gwrando? Nid oes! Iawn, dyma ni. Nid oes! I bawb yn y tŵr, dyma'r twat rydw i'n ei ffynnu â. Dyma ni. Dwi ddim yn gwybod os rwy'n iawn gyda hyn.

Dwi ddim yn gwybod os rwy'n iawn gy don't know. Really, I don't know if I'm alright with this. Are you ready? Here we go. Have a listen to this. Is it a video or audio? It's audio. It's actually not terrible. Are you joking?

It's terrible. It's just not that horrible. It's just really all clumpy and that. Well, I'm not in it. It's very sad. I've said for weeks, watch some videos or ring someone. And find me with your hairdressers. Well, I'm not in it. It's right there. I've said for weeks, watch some videos or bring someone. I told you. You're going to have to keep going now.

You're going to have to do the whole fucking thing. Right then, jeez, Lord. It needs to all be the same length. The best way to do it is to do it in your fingers like that. Pull it out like that in your fingers and cut it like that so it's all the same length. This is all different fucking lengths now I'm just gonna

stop it briefly erm ma'am there's a lot of swearing here but this is real this is real life okay this is real married life

oh god you know we don't like the BS you guys I can't even hear it Chris is Chris is sweating because Chris remembers that he was

very horrible very very horrible to me. Right, I'm going to write. No, you need to listen. Yeah, but firstly, I need to interject. For four weeks, I've been saying, do you think you could possibly cut me hair? Could you cut me hair, right? You know, is it all right?

Could you watch a YouTube video? I'm going, maybe ring your mate who's a hairdresser and get it like talking through it. And you've been going, no, no, you've been going, yeah, yeah, I can do it. Yeah, I can do it yeah I can do it yeah quite arrogantly and then you started cutting me hair

which is the bit you haven't put in you started cutting it pissing yourself laughing mate you just let's carry on shall we

go on then here we go listener what the problem is it's late it's, it's late. It's not funny. Feather? You're gonna fall out of your life. Stop fucking laughing. Oh, fuck off.

Oh, you pissed. It's not fair. You can't be laughing. I'm going on the fucking telly tomorrow. I've been saying it for weeks. Will you do it? Will you look at some videos? Will you phone someone? You've just been like, oh dear, and now you're just pissing your fucking pants. It's not fair. Oh, Chris. This is not a nice reaction, have you, man? But it's not fair.

You're just like laughing at it. It's fucking, it's really fucking scary. Look at it. It's all different fucking lines. Look at it, it's all different fucking lengths. Say for fucking weeks, will you watch some videos? Oh my God, get some videos then, for God's sake. Why don't you take it seriously? Because it's hair, it's hair, it grows back.

You're being ridiculous. I'm not shaking my head. Okay, there is more. Right, okay. Do you want to carry on? If you want to. Are you embarrassed? Well, I mean, yeah, but I stand by it.

You are fucking laughing your head off. I mean, I'm very embarrassed at the sentence. I'm going on the telly tomorrow. That's upsetting. That's not going to age well. Right, okay. Here's the rest. Oh, fuck me.

I'm boiling hot. I can't stop. Right. I don't want to do it. You've really made a big deal of it now and I don't want to do it. Well, have I not been saying for weeks will you be able to do it for us?

For weeks. Stop it. No wonder you weren't saying it. No wonder you were a bit quiet. No wonder you were getting quiet. I thought you were getting quiet. I was like, why are you so quiet here? Well, I do retaliate. I had no idea I was being recorded.

This is... Oh, I'm suing you. Great. See you in court. Can't wait. Cost you a bloody fortune. Right, here's the rest. You've made it into a really massive deal.

It is a massive deal. Fucking hell, it's not a big deal. Is that the scissors? That's me tapping the scissors off the comb because I was so mad. To be fair, you know, I probably shouldn't have been shouting and losing my temper at someone who was busy cutting my hair. Absolutely.

Right, ready? There's only 25 seconds left. You sort of redeem yourself. Do I? Okay. Sort of. Okay, here we go. It's actually not so bad. Oh, go for it. Ha ha ha! You ready? Yeah.

Do I get an apology? Okay, well if I get an apology? Okay, well, if I get an apology for a simple week's... I've got to get an apology! Right, I'm with him. Sorry. There we go. Oh, God. I'm not safe in my own bloody house, am I?

I've got me sorry. I'm not safe in my own bloody house. You horrible, horrible, horrible man. Listen, listen. own bloody house am i i got me sorry i'm not safe in my own bloody house you horrible horrible horrible man listen listen you were your blase attitude for weeks i'll do it i no bother i and you know what right i did apologize i apologized quite profusely i got you some flowers from the hallway well i bought them through already in the vase and that oh it's a good it is a good job i love you because you were shocking then but i give as good you know i can be just as bad so yeah but it looks bloody it does look really good

that's the most annoying bit to be fair i, that and the fact that you recorded the whole thing. Massive, massive reaching podcast to listen to. That's good. But yeah, it actually does look all right. Well, yeah, you're welcome. You know what it is? I really hummed and hummed. I started recording it,

but I didn't think it would go off like that. But anyway. I was just really scared. And I've got it because I'm going out of London tomorrow to do this. It'll be on Saturday, I think. It'll be on Saturday on BBC One. It's the Peter Crouch Save Our Summer. So I'm going on to that.

Bloody, I bet everyone's bloody partner on there can do hairstyles. Or I bet everyone's got really cool shaved heads and I'm going to go looking like fucking, me mam's put a cereal bowl on me head. You can get lost in those bloody lovely. No, that was me thought before you did it. And you did it very well. Right.

But yeah. I'm yeah, that's that. I'm going on that jelly tomorrow. What will Peter Crouch think of me hair? Hey, to be fair, Peter Crouch is the one I'm worried about. He's got a fucking great view of me head from where he is. You'll be able to see the top of me hair and everything. Well, I hope he compliments your hairdresser. He will.

He'll be looking down. He'll be going, Jesus Christ. Look at him. So there you go, guys. You know, we like to keep it real here. Very much a married couple. I don't normally listen to the podcast

back before it goes out, but I'm listening to that. Are you? Damn right I am. I can't believe you're a little spy. Honestly. I'm not safe. I didn't edit it all

because it was about 40 minutes long and I got bored. 40 minutes? There was a bit later on when I was asking you if you're going on holiday this year. Yeah. So I thought that was quite, I got into the role quite well. Do you know what it is, right?

So before we recorded this podcast, we had to do some reads for some adverts and you'd scripted them. And you took like two hours to script them all. And I remember looking at them when I was reading them before this recording thinking, I mean, these are great, but this took a really,

and that's what you're doing? Editing that. No wonder you had your headphones on. I remember thinking, why has she got her headphones on? Well, because there was a lot of awkward silence in between

of just you being a dick and me just like cutting your hair. Christ alive. So there you go. Anyway, I thought that was quite funny. Amazing.

Well done. Listen, love you. Love you too. Very well done. I do. Very well done love you love you too very well done I do very well done Christ alive I've been on sleep

what's your B for me living with the enemy what's your B what's going on is it worth it now please let's not let's not record each other all the time

I did not no I beg your fucking pardon I beg your fucking pardon no no game on no don't I only

I did that because I just thought it would be quite funny to get, like, the reaction of me cutting your hair. I didn't think you'd react the way you did. You're actually, just, listeners, just to let you know, and I'm not trying to stick up for him here and his horrific behaviour towards his wife.

Chris, you are normally really mellow. So I was really shocked at the way that you were going on. Just insecurities. I hate getting, do I hate getting my hair cut anyway i hate it thankfully you didn't put a mirror in front of us because i fucking hate staying at my face for that long but i just i just really don't like having my hair cut and i think it was just yeah yeah yeah yeah i can do it and then literally what you cut off the beginning was you with a little don't forget we're using Robin's baby comb because we don't have

a comb in the house and some fucking kitchen scissors that we normally cut the bacon with by the looks of things and you are just doing it oh yeah you wrapped it around my ear as well remember that

what you put the scissors literally around the top of my ear and I jumped and you went I didn't close them and I was like that's a fucking good start

and then you were literally laughing going i don't know what i'm doing and i was like for four weeks you've been going yeah i'll do it no bother four weeks i just it's just here anyway what is your beef with me apart from you being a shit hairdresser who actually turned out to be a good hairdresser which is really annoying um my beef with you this week personally which you know i am i'm going to tell you what the beef is but i haven't covertly recorded you you know because i'm not a soviet spy um my i'd have been i'd have survived all the wars really all the wars all of them through time great just my beef with you this week is you have um started a business um we're podcasters now together we're doing it together you know we are you know financially and and entrepreneurially in bed together and

literally in bed together but not now but we are on the same team here same companies working together you've started another business without us I don't know how much money you're making from it I don't know what it is I don't know what the income is here I don't know whether I should be annoyed

or offended that you're not letting us in on it what are you talking about you are starting your own bee wasp and fly sanctuary

in this house and I don't know how much money it's making but you're dedicated to it every fucking window and door as soon as there's a bit of sun straight open I don't know how much money it's making, but you're dedicated to it. Every fucking window and door,

as soon as there's a bit of sun, straight open. Rosie, shut that, man. The what? Okay. Door open. I don't know if you noticed yesterday, but I locked the back door and you had to walk all the way around

the other side of the house to get in. I did, yes. Yeah. You just can't shut a door? No, I just... Honestly, Chris, I don't know where you grew up. I think you grew up in some like, some sort of spaceship.

Just where there was just you. Just you, your mum and dad, and nought else, and nobody came, and there was just no wildlife. You didn't see grass for about five years. Everything's block paved. But it's the summer, right? You leave your doors and windows open because it's hot

and it's nice to get air in at the house. And you know what? You're outside more than you're inside. You know what? We live in a world where there's bees and wasps and flies and they sometimes come in the house. It's not the end of the world.

If you leave the door open all day, they'll just go back out. Don't go back out. They haven't got a fucking clue, man. They're going up on the ceiling. They're going on the telly. They don't know what's going on. Bloody millions of the bastards

honestly I find it really difficult to live with you why don't we get one of them things for the door the net I'd love one I've been trying to get one for ages

I mean they look horrific I'll be really sad there we go what you've just heard there dear listener what you've just heard there is you've heard the classic Rosie thing that she does. She goes, why don't we do this?

Seeing the thing that would absolutely solve the problem. Then when I go, yes, she immediately goes back on it because she didn't really mean it. What she wants to say is, what she should say is, I know the exact thing that would solve this, but fuck you, Chris. All right then. I know the exact thing that would solve this,

but fuck you, Chris. I thought you were going to say I thought you were going to get one your mum said that's what them beads in shops used to be for you know the beads

in shops yeah that's exactly what they're for me and I used to have the magnet ones alright well let's get them it'd be great I love one of them

you can really make a scene when you're leaving as well I'd really better video me coming out of one of them yeah I want music I'm going to costume

smoke machine everything fantastic it's on great Well. I'd really better video me coming out of one of them. Yeah? Yeah. I want music. I'm going to costume. Smoke machine? Everything. Fantastic. It's on. Great. Poor Rog. It's time for questions from the public. From the public.

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- Marriedannoyed at gmail.com Send us your dilemmas Send us your office polls Send us your Zoom polls Send us your stories Send us your covert recordings Of your partner While you're cutting their hair No don't Because you're a snake Because you're a snake Snake

Snake in the grass So I've been looking at A lot of the questions this week I've got quite a few I've got quite a few I'm looking forward to it Start off with a dilemma Here we go

Hi Chris and Rosie Please settle this disagreement between me and my husband no office poll unfortunately boo when you take your top off does it end up inside out my husband contorts himself into some awkward looking shape and gets it off the right way around mine always ends up inside out i was was always told to wash iron clothes inside out anyway, but he always complains that he has to put mine the right way around. Hmm. I don't know.

Well, I'll tell you what you do with your pants. Me, personally? Oh, God. Pants by pants, do you mean trousers? Yeah, so if you've been wearing leggings or some kind of tracksuit pants or even a pyjama pant pant and i'm doing the washing yeah you managed to take off your pajama pants both socks and knickers and have them collected as one like a scarecrow like a scarecrow like they're literally the pajama pants are inside out

and the knickers are on the outside of them but it's really the inside but they're inside out and the socks are gathered in the bottom like someone has just fucking disappeared wearing them. Yeah. Crazy. You impressed? That's how you do.

No, not impressed. It's awful. But you know how that happens with the socks? Yeah. Because I took my pants into my socks. Yeah. Because I'm always cold. A chav on a bike.

And that as well. Ring, ring. Keeps them out of the way. Don't trip over as much. No, I can't remember whether my top goes inside out or not so he must he must hold the neck of his top and pull the neck up over and then and then each arm out what a nightmare so and we're talking do you do the cross body grab each

side over your head i think i do the pull the sleeve and pull it through what over my head i don't know so you hold the neck of your top, you pull one sleeve out, then you pull the other sleeve out, then you pull it up over your head. So it ends up the right way around. Oh, yeah, then, yeah. So you take your top off the right way around,

you take your pants off in the most awkward way in the world, leaving all your socks and everything clumped together. Yeah. Quality. Just you, that. Just you. It won't be, but... No, I mean it's just you.

It's just your old crack, innit? All right, then. Great. Can I just say, that was from Leanne, and Leanne's wrote at the end here, P.S. Sorry there's no shit or sex in this question, but my life just isn't that exciting.

Same here, Leanne. It's absolutely fine, mate. And that is fine. Thank you. The door don't need to be there. Do you know, I've been looking through the messages today. They're horrific, aren't they? Well, a lot of them at the bottom, right?

So let's just, before I read it, let's just find one here. Yeah, so some of them at the bottom, a few of them, I spotted them this today, says at the bottom ps this is just a different one that i haven't read yet ps here are some random horrendous words in the hope that you'll end up searching for them and stumble across this email shit penis smegma moist curdle horror we've made a rod for our own backs here that's what people think we want my word smegma and curdle curdle that's that's the one that gets me like heavens above yuck babadoo babadoo babadoo back this next question here this next email it was like an emotional roller coaster so you know

if you watch a soap uh for a long while or you watch like a movie trilogy and good guys become bad guys and you know everyone changes yeah just listen listen to how many times you'll switch sides in this story right okay

well I'm excited hi Rosie and Chris hi hope you and your family are well I have a question for you we are I have a question for you

what is the weirdest thing an ex of yours has done to get your attention after the breakup so we're on we're on her side now we're like okay so just had some

weird things with exes all i'm telling you i'm not gonna do that with her i'm just telling we're starting on her side right okay i was once fundraising for a charity by doing a sponsored skydive after i broke up with my boyfriend periodically i would receive an email telling me that he had donated to my fundraising page. I swear he did this because he knew I was a polite person and would have to text him to say thank you for the donation. You don't, but that's fine. Crittlingly polite. Clearly.

But I just love the fact that he's giving money to our charity thing. He's like, you're doing this because you still fancy me. Come on, then. How dare you give to charity to get in touch with me? Over a six-week period, he donated over £100 in small installments to get these thank you texts from me. Okay, well, that makes more... That's a bit.

Right, so you're on the journey. You're on the journey. I'm on it. I'm like, I'm seeing what you're seeing now. Just so he could start a conversation. We were in uni at the time. So that was a lot of money. Yeah, it is.

It got to the point where I was so wound up, I had to confront him to tell him to please stop giving money to my charity. Can you imagine please stop being charitable doesn't suit you so we're kind of on his side now yeah yeah yeah because she's been ridiculous just ignore it and maybe say it is is me charity. You give all you want, mate. I'm not getting in touch with you. Ready to go the other way. Okay.

He told me that it just made him feel good to do generous things. And I felt bad for a second until I remembered that the final straw for me in our relationship was when he mortified me by shouting at a homeless man in the street because he had refused to accept the leftovers of his sandwich. What? Fucking madness his sandwich. What? Fucking madness, Daniel. What? He was walking down the street.

Right. And he had a half-finished sandwich and he went to give it to a homeless person and the homeless guy didn't want it, fucking obviously. And he berated the homeless guy for not wanting the sandwich. So I'm not, do you know what I mean? I was on her side, now I'm on his side. Okay, now he's, right, he's not, yeah.

Is there any more? No, that's it. Just so she remembers that the final straw of the relationship was when he mortified me by shouting at a homeless man in the street

because he had refused to accept the leftovers of my ex-boyfriend's sandwich. Wow. Right, that's interesting. I've never flip-flopped between so many sides in me life.

Same, same. I wasn't on the fence. I was jumping over the fence. That's good, that one. It was carnage. I've got nothing to say about it, but at least the charity got 100 quid. You know what? Charity got 100 quid. It did. There you go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

This is disgusting. It's short, it's sweet. It's not sweet. It's short. It's sweet. It's not sweet. It's not sweet. Hey, I just started listening to your podcast and I feel like you are the right pair to ask about my most recent dilemma.

Since lockdown has started, my partner and I have both been working from home and he has taken the opportunity to sit, brackets, as men do, with his hands down his pants all day. Well, we don't all do that. Can I just say that that's slander and this wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that he then touches his face

and his face then smells how the hell do i bring this up without offending him thanks tell your boyfriend he's dick stinks now tell him that's horrific why do people send us this why do people not tell why do people put up with such shit

for so long and why do people not tell I'm sorry but I would not have married you if you sat with your hands

down your pants right for one touch your face and it's done like why would you put up with that unbelievable

his face smells of dick darling your face smells of your dick can you please go and wash your face and it's done like why would you put up with that unbelievable his face smells of dick can you please go and wash your face and your dick and brush your teeth and wash your hands go have a shower oh that is horrible that's vile some men are gross wow

that's babadoo babadoo babadoo you're invited to an immersive listening party That's it. in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. So every now and then we have things on the podcast, different stories and things that people relate to and then on twitter people will send me a viral something that went viral that's slightly similar right yeah that happens a lot yeah that happens a lot right but i've been sent something that is just basically in the vein someone retweeted it and tagged me in it and said this is absolutely up your street of your podcast oh okay they're always interesting actually oh my

god it is so this went viral on reddit and this was someone basically took made a new reddit account um so they could post it and then just delete their account but they just wanted to get the um the reactions of all the people on right okay is it a story people have lost their minds about it yeah yeah right i'm excited so the road posting under a throwaway a throwaway must be the name of the account that I just get rid of

because my post reaches cap and I need advice I don't know what that means it's reddit talk and I'm not down with the kids this is a screen grab gross situation but both my parents

have told me that it's not a big deal since we're all adults here's the story my boyfriend who we will call Sam is a bit older than me brackets brackets 34, I'm 23. She's a female, he's a man.

And this has never been a problem before, the age thing. We've been dating for over a year now, so things are pretty serious. However, when he came to meet my parents over dinner, hell broke loose. I thought everything was going fine at first, brackets, i've had boyfriends be shy around my parents before they can be intimidating close brackets but around an hour in our dinner my mom mom american pulled me aside she explained to me that she and my dad had already knew my boyfriend obviously i was confused as they had appeared to introduce themselves for the first time not that long ago at the dinner my mom explained that 10 years ago she and my father had taken part in a threesome no with my boyfriend no no how horrible is that oh no isn't that the worst so is that it no i didn't want to hear any more but

she told me that they'd all slept together a handful of times in retrospect i didn't take this information well and i left their house by foot and i ran until i was far away enough to call for an uber i don't understand what that means. I've been home for a few hours now. Sam has called me literally hundreds of times in the last few hours trying to talk but I don't want to answer. The whole thing is making me feel sick. I've picked up a call from my parents who told me to calm down and handle the situation like an adult. My mum called me immature for being so freaked out by the thought of her and my dad having sex and she said that if i'm going to be part of a grown-up relationship that i need to handle this type of thing more

appropriately i see a future with sam do you but i never expected that my parents would be part of our history i really do love him a lot and i know it's not his fault that he chose to be involved with my parents such a long time ago is Is there a chance our relationship could survive this? No. Wow. No. There is more people in the world who haven't, well, hopefully, had a threesome with your mum and dad.

The mum is 47 and the dad's 49 and the boyfriend's 34. So they're basically just 10 and a bit years older than 15 years old. So he would have been 20s. So he would have been 24 and they would have been in their late 30s. My word. That's ranking it. You'd be gutted.

What would you do? I don't think I don't think I could be with someone who'd had a three... No. No. Sorry. No. even just seeing it. No, no, no, sorry, sorry. Because you'd need... No, can't do that.

You'd need to know. You'd need details, wouldn't you? No, I wouldn't want to know. I'd break it off right there and then. Oh, that's really sad, though, because what if they really love each other? Like, it's not his fault that he's had a threesome with someone when he was younger,

but that is... I just think that when someone came up with the phrase love conkers all, they didn't take this scenario into account. Any time I see that now, I'm going to post this thread and let it... I'm sorry go it doesn't I'm sorry it doesn't

that's really sad what would you do? oh I mean like absolutely weirdly I would need to know the details then I would get rid I'll be like now I'll be like

just because I will it'll tears up I'll just need to know the sort of mechanics of it who did what what did who no you wouldn't. How many times?

Where was it? Right, see you later. Why would you want to know? I just need it at peace of mind. Even if you were going to finish it anyway? Yeah. Well, I couldn't keep seeing them if I knew that. That would be the worst.

Well, then why do you need to know? Don't know. Maybe I'm not thinking of my parents. Maybe I'm thinking of this particular scenario. Think of it as your parents right now. Right? No, no. Would you want to know what I think?

No, I don't think so. There you go. I think I'd probably be in prison because I think I'd have murdered all three of them at that dinner. Oh, gosh. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got one here. This confused me, I'll be honest with you.

Okay. Dear Chris and Rosie, my husband and I have been together 11 years. But today, today, I found out he eats his Weetabix with just cold milk and mountains of sugar. Is that bad? I was just about to say, initially, do you find that weird?

No. Because I read that and I thought, what's the problem here? Well, the norm is to have warm milk, I think, with Weetabix. Okay, so... But you can have cold milk as well. Brings us on to the next bit. Really sad that I never realised he was a moron before I married him. So she's having a massive go at me now, right?

Oh, wow. Yeah. I have mine with warm milk. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. Or hot water. Ooh. That's...

How dare she? That's... How dare? What's her name Stacey Stacey how dare you water

cold water hot water hot water hot water like a cup of tea oh is that am I

because it was one of them things where I read it and I'm like it's like an office poll situation I don't know if that but that's fucking disgusting so she's massively offended that he has cold water cold milk no sorry she's massively offended It's like an office poll situation. I don't know if that... But that's fucking disgusting.

So she's massively offended that he has cold water. Cold milk. No, sorry. She's massively offended that he has cold milk and sugar. But she has either warm milk or hot water. Hot water. Monkey. But she said, I have mine with warm milk or hot water. So not hot milk.

Warm milk or hot water. Hot water. So the water's got to be hotter than the milk and she's like as this is normal to me to settle an argument how do you eat yours not with fucking hot water

Stacey what the hell's the matter with you it's not a cup of tea I don't eat wetterbix well I mean you can't say it for a start what did I say wetterbix

you are not eat wetterbix I don't like Whatabuck. I don't know what accent that is. We neither do I. Weetabix. Yeah. Robin loves this stuff.

Yeah. I used to like it when I was younger, but... But hot water, that's what my dad... That's what my dad... Water's what my dad and his brother and sisters used to put on their cereal when they ran out of milk. Yeah. And they lived in, you know, like a mining village.

In the 50s. Yeah. What would you, what do you have yours, on yours? Eh, I'd never have it, but it would probably be warm milk.

Robin has warm milk on his. Yeah. Yeah. Stacey, come on, love. Hot water. Fucking hell. I know.

My friend, I've said this before, didn't I? Mm. She has like, water and salt on her porridge because she grew up on a farm. Mm, I don't know if you said

Zita's the one who eats a full apple like a full apple yeah yeah she eats a full full apple eats the corn everything

she has water and salt in her porridge is she a horse no possibly I don't know she's bloody lovely

I miss her actually oh you look you look happy this is yeah okay so we've had we've had for want of a better sort of phrase I miss her actually babadoo babadoo babadoo oh you look you look happy this is yeah okay so we've had we've had for want of a better

sort of phrase we've had like mother-in-laws from hell at weddings crazy mother-in-law crack on here before yeah yeah

might have the best one ever here but I've got to be really careful because it's one of them ones where they go keep us anonymous and then they tell

a fucking story that I don't think has happened to anyone else in the world right so so we're not being trapped here we're not being as anonymous and then they tell a fucking story that I don't think has happened to anyone else in the world right so so we're not being trapped here

we're not being catfished into a fake story no no it's er I can see it I can see it being real and it's

it's mortifying alright okay okay hi Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous as this isn't really my story and it's already

kicking off because of it but I thought Rosie would get a kick out of this one. Ooh. Ooh! I love it when you do the questions. It's a lovely little surprise, isn't it? This is lush. It's really nice hearing them.

Is this what the listeners feel like? Yeah. My friend was due to get married next month, but because of the corona, great, she's rescheduled for next summer she has just been told by her mam that she has also booked the same venue on the same day a couple of hours before she gets married to renew her vows no did she know did she know that they had renewed it to next year at that place?

The mother has also informed her daughter that she will be wearing a white dress and would like to have a section of the reception for her friends to enjoy her day and that the daughter will have to deal with it. She also would like to have a dance with her husband before her daughter and son-in-law's first dance. No, what?

What? Is that real? She wrote, this is fucking crazy. How would you react? I mean... Do you know... Right, okay.

My problem here is anyone listening goes, that's me. So apologies. That's me. Well, you know, we've just been told this. I'm not saying any names. But if you're listening, you go, that's me.

That's my mum. I doubt anyone else in the world's doing that. Yeah, that's very just one person situation, I think. Well, it's a hard one, right? Because you know how laid back I am. I probably wouldn't mind that happening, personally. I love my mum to death. Yeah, but it's the, if she hadn't told us. Right it's the if she hadn't told us

right okay if she hadn't told us and she just went oh well actually mean such and such I'm getting married renewing my vows yeah

bloody blah I mean I'd be very shocked if my mum and dad renewed the vows because they'd be having me together for over 10 years but um

you're going to get married again before you can renew the vows I'd be like what's going on um but it would be if she just sprung it on us i'd be like no that's ridiculous what do you think about waiting for your first dance so you might not have a first dance it's just rank in it but there is some people like there is some sorry there is some people like that who just only think of themselves and they don't think of other people in the situation.

Her mum will be like, well, me and your dad just want to have a dance just before yours. Why? What's the matter with that? It's like, what? You see, there's also a part of me that goes, if the mum's paying for the wedding, she's going to have to let her do it. That's always a problem isn't it

she might be swinging her dick round do you think she goes look I'm holding the purse strings me and him are going to have a dance first a lot of people

a lot of parents do that you know really not to name names but I've known of people's parents who are paying towards a wedding

so then they all have to invite all their friends and so the wedding ends up being just all your man and dad's mates right

and people are like well but then if you don't want to get into debt and your mum and dad have kindly offered to pay towards your wedding then there you go got to let the mates go goodness me hello Chris and Rosie I had to write to you both about a friend who I knew at university

who got married to what I can only describe as a total and utter twat bracket cool yeah she was one of those friends this is cold by the way okay she was one of those friends from uni who I just ended up being in the same friendship group with I was never really that close to her so feel no guilt about sending this story to you both for your podcast wonderful thank you cold man. Cold, man. Here we go. So cold. Via Facebook Messenger, the friend had mentioned and announced to a few of us from uni that she had got engaged. Okay. We were all a bit surprised

when we thought that she had broken up with the guy that she was now engaged to a few months back. Oh. Mmm. Mmm. Apparently, they had reunited and whilst in bed, brackets, the same night they were getting reunited, so they'd literally just got back together,

doing the business, he proposed. And this is how he did it. How? This is fucking bald. Brackets, I found the original message on Facebook Messenger.

So it's just sent as the transcript. Oh. So the girl has told them exactly what he did? so tell us how did he propose friend in bed he turned over last night him knock knock me who's there him will you marry me me will you marry me who him will you marry me? Yes, he proposed by using a knock-knock joke.

It doesn't even work, man. It doesn't work. As a comedian, I'm furious. That doesn't fucking work. Will you marry me who? You donut. Will you marry me who? What's she doing?

She's ruined it. She's ruined it. There was never meant to be a punchline. No, the premise of it was knock-knock. Who's there? She's ruined it The actual There was never meant To be a punchline No the premise of it Was knock knock Who's there Who's there We'll do it

Ready Yeah No you do it You be him Ready Knock knock Who's there Will you marry me

Right yeah Are you being serious That's what we meant to be Will you marry me Bless her though She hadn't seen him for ages And he's just shagged her one night And then he's proposed

Wow Gets better though Oh is the mob Yeah Oh god That's what it was meant to be. William, I mean, Mary Carol. But bless her, though, she hadn't seen him for ages and he's just shagged her one night and then he's proposed. Wow. Gets better, though. Always the more. Yeah. Oh, God. Chris, I love it when you do this. As you can see from the proposal, the marriage was always doomed. They did get married, but the marriage was short-lived.

I saw this friend a few years back at a joint friend's wedding. We got talking about her ex-husband and how it had all just been one big massive mistake. Trying to make light of the situation, I said, well, at least you can sell your ring and go on a nice holiday or something. Wrong. Her ex-husband had engraved the wedding ring with the word bellend, so no one would ever buy it.

No. Don't even. That's... He got bellend engraved on the ring. That's. He got bell-hand engraved on the ring. That's awful. Why would you do that? He's the worst man in the world. He clearly is horrible.

Horrible. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. My friends and I have a thing going on where we just send voice notes of dilemmas over WhatsApp to each other. We've had all kinds of questions, but the one that's caused the most recent outrage is this.

If you had to live with one of these constantly for the rest of your life, what would it be? Okay, I've got to live with one of these constantly. One of these things constantly, forever. Till the day you die, you have one of these things. You've got to pick one of them. There's four. Headache, trapped wind, period pain, nausea.

My word. Which one would you choose? Headache, trapped wind, nausea, period pain. So nothing, no paracetamol, ibuprofen, nothing. You've just got one of them forever and you've just got to live with it. Trap wind. Good one, good one. I would probably also go with trap wind.

Because I eat so fast, I've almost got trap wind all the time anyway. Although you can be hospitalised for trap wind. Well, it depends how bad it is. Sometimes people think they've broke their back and it's trap wind. It can be really bad. You can it depends how bad it is. Sometimes people think they broke their back and it's trapped wind. It can be really bad. You can get trapped wind in shitty places. Your shoulder.

I was going to say, your shoulder. Well, I knew someone who had to go to hospital because of trapped wind in the shoulder. I bet they were dead embarrassed telling everyone.

He had to stay over. What was it? He just needed to fart. He needed to fart out of his shoulder. His fucking suit jacket stunk. I've had to have the pads

taken out of everything. Pads? Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. Hope you're both keeping well. I have an awkward work... Do you just go, eh?

I'm alright. Great. I have an awkward work dilemma on my hands and I'm hoping you can advise how i can get myself out of it as i'm close to smashing my head into a brick wall oh okay it's not about it's just right somehow despite it probably being the most used word in the world right now my boss is saying corvid at19 instead of COVID. Oh, no.

Is it Yorkshire? He's saying Corvid. Corvid. So he's saying Corvid-19. So C-O-R-V-I-D-19, right? Horrible. He said it. You can just tell how pissed off this person is.

He said it at least 10 times on the 20 plus person Zoom meeting we had. He also types it as COVID in emails and reports, some of which go to senior management. I should have just corrected him when it started but I didn't and now we're weeks in and I don't want to embarrass him. I know it's just a little thing but in these trying

times everything is heightened and I am finding it very grating. How can I address this without sounding like a patronising dickhead? It may get to the stage where I shout over one of those 20 plus person Zoom meetings, it's COVID-19 for fuck's sake, drop the shitting

aww. That is horrific. I'm sorry, but we are weeks in. It's everywhere. How is he still putting an R in it? That's terrible. That's terrible. Oh, yeah.

All suggestions welcome. I don't think he listens to the podcast, but please keep me anonymous just in case. What's he going to do? Ideally, he would be listening, as this would solve the whole issue. True, true. Hey, mate. Great. Very good. Thank you. gonna do ideally he would be listening as this would solve the whole issue true true hey man personally i wouldn't tell him oh i wouldn't say no it's too far gone man let him just let him

keep being a moron in emails and he's the boss he's well obviously he's the manager then there's senior management above him so that's see that's really hard because I've had managers before when they're talking and you're listening and you're talking and you think you are stupid how are you a manager

do you know what I mean though that's the same how some people are stupid and they shouldn't be like people's bosses and that and it says more

for the places you work to be fair possibly and you know I'm not massive hugely intelligent but there's been times when I've just thought

you are a moron and you are in charge of us and you're putting an R in COVID-19 like oh that would

it would infuriate me but I wouldn't say anything I'd be like you just carry on yeah and then hopefully your boss, your big, big boss

further down the line will go, Simon, there's no R. You idiot. You're making a mockery of this. You're a fool of yourself.

Yeah, Rosie and Chris, hope you are both well. My friends and I devised a pizza scale at uni from one to ten. Okay. Each number represents how good looking someone is. One being a minger and ten being a sex god slash goddess. Okay.

The pizza slices get more delicious as the scale increases. So it's obviously called that these people... First of all, it's a girl who's who's actually invented this yeah i know it sounds like a sexist minging thing a bloke would do but it's actually a girl and her friends at uni oh no there's some there's some rank sexist minging girls as well so that's fine so if someone's disgusting and ugly you know they've got basically they've got 10 code words for how fit someone is it's a fucking nightmare it's students have got far too much time on their hands but they've got 10 pizza flavors ranking how fit someone should be

yeah yeah okay i'm looking at the list here i'm looking at a list of pizzas from one to ten okay so they've got a list of people so if someone's a 10 right yeah yeah so if someone's a one yeah right and just listen to how fucked up this is, right? Okay, okay. One, minger, the most ugly it can be, margarita. Oh, no, you love a margarita. I disagree already. Already I'm fuming. So I looked back, I remember I looked back up in the email, I thought, have I got this the wrong way around?

But no, one is a minger. But margarita is the creme de la creme. It's amazing. Yeah. It's so simple, it's so beautiful, it's perfect, right? So what's five? Five's Hawaiian. Oh, I see. Well well this is personal preference because

it's right number one absolute minger in their in their words margarita yeah number two yeah bit fitter for cheese so that's another that's more cheese than a margarita right okay that's better number three number three chicken and mushroom a. Number three, chicken and mushroom. A little bit fitter. Chicken and mushroom pizza. I'm not having this. Number four, barbecue chicken. I love barbecue chicken. Well, what's happened? You've changed the base.

It's not a tomato base anymore. It's bullshit. Right. Number five, Hawaiian. Yeah. Right, so we're getting to above average people now, right? But this isn't right. This isn't right because Hawaiian is a very controversial pizza topping.

Unbelievable. Don't know why it's a five. A lot of people don't like it. I mean, I personally love it. Maybe that's why it's a five, actually. isn't right this isn't right because hawaiian is a very controversial pizza topping unbelievable don't know why a lot of people don't like i mean maybe that's why it's a five actually that might be the only one on the whole fucking scale that makes sense right number six slightly above average looking pepperoni okay don't agree with it people love pepperoni right number seven veggie supreme oh they've gone wrong who the fuck are these people? That should have been a two. That should have been a one, Veggie Supreme. I like a Veggie Supreme. See, but I don't know whether I'm the minority.

Number eight. Right. Slightly better looking again. Nearly a top here. Yeah. So we're talking eight out of ten. Yeah, yeah. We're talking a really good looking, beautiful person here. This is good.

Yeah. Meat Feast. Ah, say no. Too salty. Too much going on. Don't like a Meat Feast. Don't like it. Right?

Very fattening. Now, we're talking a nine and a 10 out of 10 here. These need to be good. We are talking worldies. We are talking models. We are talking cover girls and cover boys. Yeah, cover girls. Number 9.

Caramelised onion and goat's cheese. Oh, they've lost us. They've absolutely lost us. Who's putting goat's cheese on a pizza? These fucking animals. What's this? Eaten. Eaten. Eaten.

The boys only college where this girl has done this. Yeah, well just snuck in. Where this girl has done this. What's another posh uni? Cambridge, Oxford. Yeah, one of them. Durham.

Durham. Edinburgh. You ready for number 10? I don't know if I am. It's going to be, it's going to be like. I swear to God, right? What is it? Number 10. Pe number 10 the best the best looking person that they could ever see so if someone is a 10 out of 10 boy or girl they are gorgeous your fucking mouth hits the floor yeah they have likened them

to the pizza spinach and ricotta oh i hate them i can't believe i hate them honestly uh hannah peach is who sent this in uh stop listening to this podcast you're not welcome i'm surprised she listens in the first place so what is spinach and ricotta spinach and ricotta that's gonna be wet again spinach well girls did this list so maybe maybe it's well i'm a girl yeah but number 10 if you're wet maybe it's all code or maybe it is but there's too many levels of code alright Hannah

no I'm getting it ok spinach spinach and ricotta they are two very wet ingredients this is horrible these are honestly your top five

your top three pizzas are the worst pizzas on the planet unfortunately Chris all this shows us is how scummy we are because she mentioned

our favourite pizzas under fiveummy we are. Because she mentioned our favourite pizza is under five. So, we are basic. We're scumbags. I noticed you didn't put a micro pizza in there. I love a micro pizza. Really Chicago town. Oh, mate. Now wrong with them.

Spinach and ricotta. Fucking brush your teeth. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Once again again thank you so much for listening to this week's Shag Maranoid which is now part of

the ACAS creator network yes indeed thank you guys as always if you want to get in touch shagmaranoid at gmail.com look you're all beautiful you're all 10 out of 10

for us you're all spinach and ricotta it doesn't work it doesn't work it doesn't work you're all a bunch of margaritas

and in my book that's the best I agree love yous bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind

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