Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 68. Dental dam

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

This week on the podcast Chris has chosen the questions and there is some absolute corkers, including some safe sex advice, an awkward text scenario and and update on a potential covid romance. As well as this, Rosie shares her annoyance with Birthdays and they both share the moment they nearly got a pet. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my soulmate, Christopher Ramsey.

Honestly, I prefer insults. I think I prefer insults to soulmates. No, you can't take it back. No, I've got another one. All right, okay. And my husband, who I am desperate to leave. Wow. Christopher Ramsey.

That's weirdly better. Yeah. Works. It's got a good little ring to it How's that I don't know what's keeping you here Just piss off

The kid Kidder The kidder Literally forgot how many children I had Cool Guys thank you so much

for listening as always It's episode 68 68 Shit the bed One away from the filthy one Oh can it wait You know I've had people say they want me to do an episode

full of questions about times 69s have gone wrong. I'm up for it. I don't know if I am. Why? It's a bit minging. I don't know. I don't like 69s, personally. Listen, it's only episode 68,

so let's not even worry about that yet. We'll see. Let's not even worry. I like 99s. Yeah, with a flake. And sauce. Yeah, and sauce yeah and sauce yeah

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writers cramp hey you doing a little bit of writing with a pen eh you got maybe got some lines at school do they still do lines I don't know

no probably not how's your hand hurting oh writers cramp hey just on your it's on the tiny knuckle of your middle finger

that's where it gets you that's where it gets you I think I've got a blister I don't think people can actually relate to this anymore because everyone's got like iPads and computers why do you think the sponsor's got in touch with bringing it back?

Right, great. That's the point. Right, that's cramp. Soup the other week? Right, that's cramp. Is it because we are currently signing the signed copies of the book? Yes. Which we've left too late.

Yes. And we have loads to catch up on, so we're having to do like 1,000 at a time. We agreed to 1, thousand at a time. We agreed to, 1,500 at a time, we agreed to 4,000 signed copies when it went on sale. Big love to everyone who bought them, by the way.

It still blows our minds. We got carried away. We did, yeah. We got too excited. We got 12,000 to sign. Yeah, we were like, whoa, come on, we'll sign them. Let's do this.

I've never seen 12,000 things all in one place. So when all the pages came in eight fucking boxes that you would get, you know, like that you would get, I don't know. Stuff in. Like imagine like, yeah. What are you talking about? There's just so many of them and it's relentless. And by the end of it, I can't even see what my name is anymore.

It doesn't even look like a thing. Why are you complaining about it? I don't know. I never thought you'd write a book. I never thought even look like a thing. Why are you complaining about it? I don't know. I never thought you'd write a book. I never thought I'd write a book. So let's not whinge. Let's be positive. Why did you never think I'd write a book?

Why are you bringing that on me? Why did you never think I'd write a book? I understand you. Why me? Not being funny. Let's just, did you ever get asked before we got asked? No. Then there you go.

Sorry, mate. Fair enough. Didn't think you'd write a book. Right, that's cramp. If you'd like to pre-order our book, it's still available for pre-order. No, listen, listen. Do not jump on the back of my sponsor trying to make your own fucking money. Right?

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Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmar Denoid. Listen, the world is shit right now. Yep. But here we are to hopefully take you away from all that doom and gloom for an hour. And this is good therapy for us as well. We need this. Might not be an hour.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Might be slightly less. Might be slightly more. Right, okay. Just don't get them set on an hour. Don't get their hearts set on an hour. We've got ads now, man. It ramps it up.

Loads of time. Probably skipping them. Ah! What? I'm not being money when I listen to a podcast. I listen to them ads all the way through. Listen, I have never skipped an ad. If you've skipped an ad, you should be ashamed of yourself.

When I used to, bloody back in the day, when I used to record stuff off the telly on my VHS, I watched all the adverts. All the adverts. Oh, have you ever watched? I mean, probably not now, obviously, but have you ever watched a really old recording of something and seen an old advert and got really nostalgic? I used to love adverts.

Oh, I did. Because there wasn't many of them back in the day, was there? I don't know, but I remember I had a recording of, I had Sword in the Stone, and I also had Robin Hood, Disney's Robin Hood. Had them on the same tape, recorded on different days, one in the beginning, one in the end. There was one in the middle.

I think it was a gas advert or something. I remember it was a woman getting home from work and putting her hob on and that, and putting pyjamas on. And I remember I used to always feel, even thinking about it now, I get a weird nostalgic feeling of like... What happened with it?

Oh, she just got cosy and had some dinner in that. Much to tell you. I was a boring kid, you know. I was a boring kid. But I remember thinking about it and I just had this idea of cosiness in my head when I thought of it. Do you know which I was a boring kid. But I remember thinking about it and I just had this idea of very coziness in my head when I thought of it.

Do you know which advert I used to love? What? Ready? Trio! Trio! I want a trio and I want one now. Or what about...

With chocolate biscuit and yummy taffy. And now... And then they said something about the rappers with games and colours too. Do you remember Oomongoo?

I do remember Oomongbongo I never drank it I was a Ribena kid spoiled spoiled rotten oh we just got like no frills Mbongo Mbongo

I'm gonna put it out there Mbongo was for the scum I was a Ribena kid I was a Ribena I think Ribena was a bit I think it was a bit more I'm totally guessing here Ribena was expensive

I was just trying to get there a friend of mine used to come round he never got Ribena at his house when we were kids and he used to come round. He never got Ribena at his house. When we were kids, he used to come round and clean us out of Ribena. He used to sleep over every Saturday night.

And my mum used to have to buy extra Ribena because he would just clean it out. Well, I was that kid. My friend Ozzy, my dad, used to own a restaurant. And they'd get like slabs or takeaway even. They'd get slabs of like Pepsi Max. Oh, God. The word slab is just exciting, isn't it? Yeah.

Slab. I'd be like Kevin, I know, what was Kevin McAllister's brother called? Fuller. I'd be like down in all the coke

and then wet the bed. Slab's a great word, isn't it? Do you want to, you're having some cake, do you want a slice of cake or do you want a slab? I'll have a slab, please.

I'll have a slab. Yes, please. Put it on your naked body, you dirty... You dirty slab. Oh, great. A safe alternative to the word slag.

Slab. There we go. We should do that now just so, you know, we're being good. It's barely different. You dirty, rotten slab. So we had a lovely interesting day the other day did we?

we did we went to the garden centre oh yeah we were so sick of the sight of each other and the sight of our four walls of our house and the weather was gash so we just thought right

let's go to the garden centre we went the garden centre is like a really big one near us in Morbeth Dobby's in Morbeth. Big shout out. They've got a cooking section. Yes. Like pots and pans. We bought a new knife set. Yeah. And this is how

pathetic and sad our lives are at the minute. Do you remember when we got back and you made, excuse me. Do you want to say it again without burping internally? Let's just break the fourth wall here and tell them why at some point your voice is tell them while you're burping. Let's just break the fourth wall here and tell them why at some point your voice is crackling and you're burping.

It's because you've got chocolate cornflake cakes lined up on the table in front of you like a drug user at a party. They're for the breaks. And now and then you just throw them in your mouth and I have to stop the recording so you can chew your fucking chocolate cornflake cakes. I'm not being funny.

I've got low blood sugar. And you know this. And that's why I've got them there. It's not a thing. You can't claim to'm not being funny. I've got low blood sugar. And you know this. And that's why I've got them there. It's not a thing. You can't claim to have low blood sugar. I do have low blood sugar. You just can't claim to have it. Have you ever seen a doctor about it?

Right. You can't just claim. No, but I'll tell you what I do have. I've got really low blood pressure. Right. No, I'll tell you what you've got. You've got a sweet tooth. And there's a bucket of them in the cupboard.

Bucket. One down from a slab. And you all over them oh yeah man listen um so we got the new knife set we came back you made a toasty um i'd already i'd made something different and i was ready to go and sit down with my meal but instead we stood together and you cut your toasty i watched you cut the toasty well you didn't just watch us cut the toast you said i'm gonna are you gonna cut this yet i went why and you went because i want to watch you cut it with the new knife and i thought you were joking no no but you stood there yeah so we watched it and then do you remember what we did after no we give that we give

the knife a round of applause so yeah i bought some craft lager from the garden center so i was like three beers in at that point so i can't really remember but yeah we did we laid it down on the table and we gave it a round of applause because we have nothing else going on right now well that was an interesting day because obviously you know um other than the odd well local takeaway uh curry place still delivers uh and you get the odd sort of dominoes where they bring it on a false box that they touch. Yeah. They touch the box. Although, I don't know if I told you this,

the other night I got dominoes and the guy, he sort of come to the door and they do the whole social distance thing and he kind of put it. And I kind of took the box, the other end of the box that he was touching off him, touched his finger. No, you didn't.

Underneath, yeah. Touched the guy's finger. Did you bleach your hand? Rosie, I was so happy of the human interaction i cried honestly it was it was magical oh gosh that's tragic i mean i did wash my hands and you know i'm assuming he's hand sanitizing himself to death because he's delivering pizzas you know and it's cool and i'm here and i'm alive um but uh damn it um but uh we went to that garden center that was weird so when they opened them back up we're a bit dubious as everyone else has

been then we've been uh is that the second time we've been to garden center i mean second for you it's about the fourth or fifth for me yeah i mean you took a sleeping bag yeah um but basically uh we were in there we're having a bit of a rubbish day the weather wasn't great uh you know robin was you know i mean everyone locked down with kids you know what it's like we don't have to go over it it's a fucking nightmare sometimes and uh we were driving back from the garden center and we spotted what we thought was a drive-in covid 19 testing station it was a drive-in mcdonald's driving mcdonald's we went it was without a doubt the greatest meal i've

ever had in my life same because every time i see it online it's like they're opening some more mcdonald's guys and i look on the map and i'm like oh that's a 400 mile drive this one was just up there oh god i was so happy i got two big mac meals yeah destroyed them went for it didn't one yeah it's very nice it'd be been a rubbish day because we were on the way to the garden centre and we're going to panic buy some fish are you telling the fish story

go on then so this was really I know nothing about goldfish right I had a pond when I was younger they lived in that didn't really know much about them did you have a pond

in your back garden yeah you know the top of my mum and dad's garden where the little patio bit is was that a pond that was a pond I could see that being a pond yeah

it was good actually. It was pretty good. What was all fucking scruffy to be fair like? But how old were you? We had to put our, we had to get rid of our pond because,

oh right, that's old enough to not fall in it really. We had to get rid of ours because my brother come along. Aye. My mum was worried in case he'd fall in it.

Well we had a giant goldfish that used to jump out of the pond and land in the middle of the lawn and you'd look out the window and you'd be like, he's out again! And you'd have to run back out and pick him up and put him back in. Nemo.

He's like a suicidal fish trying to escape. Yeah. And the first time I saw him, I was like, oh, it's dead, and picked it up and it just started going fucking berserk. So he threw it back in and it swam off. But we were on our way to the garden centre and I was like, should we get, look,

to cheer ourselves up, should we get a couple of goldfish? Yeah, we'll get a couple. We'll call the Mario and Luigi Robert do you want to get some goldfish went there turns out you can't just buy goldfish anymore

nope god hey that bloke in the garden centre laid the fucking law down didn't he I think that bloke in the garden centre may have been married

to a goldfish it's mental right I mean he knew he knew a lot of stuff he was an expert on it but it's so weird when you meet someone who knows and is an expert in something so specific that you never ever consider do you know what i mean yeah so apparently if you didn't know now you're about to find out you can't put them in bowls anymore you can't just put a goldfish in a bowl it has to be properly filtered water because it wasn't bad for them which is fair enough so it was like right we'll

buy a tank so i went to buy the tank and then he was like you know you gotta take the tank home fill it with water let the let the pump go on for a week then come back and get the fish and in in no uncertain terms we essentially said to him oh mate we'll be over it by then like this is very much a spur of the moment fish purchasing i mean let's not let's not lie we would have looked very much looked after the fish. Absolutely. In fact, every day. Yeah.

But didn't he say as well, he was like, you know, most people think fish only last a few years. Well, yeah. 25 years. He said goldfish can live for. He said if you put them in a bowl, they'll only last three or four years. I went, right. I thought that's how long they lived.

And he was like, oh, good goldfish. You want to get 15, 20 years? I was like, I can't fucking, no offence, mate, but I can't commit to two decades of fishery. Can you imagine, right, buying a goldfish the other day at the con centre and having that goldfish for Robin's wedding? Honestly, I'm alright thanks and do you have the rings

they're in this tank Mario Luigi next to Mario Luigi I've got the rings fucking Vic are rolling his sleeves up on his gown

plunging in they're being his best men his best Vic 20 years man I know we sound terrible we don't mean we didn't get the

I don't think we're good goldfish owners we didn't get them well I didn't get it we didn't respect the fish yeah I mean what you would do is you would just find

someone who's got a pond hopefully and put them in a pond if you got sick of them I don't know how it works but heavens above don't what I'm saying is

to anyone listening right public service announcement don't go and buy fish willy nnilly right because there's a lot that goes into it we got basically lectured by the man in the guns don't you ever go to the fair when they're open again and win a fish in a bag tell them you don't want it well did they not do the door probably don't do that anymore i don't think cares i don't think fairs give a fuck to be fair like i won loads of fish at the fair when i was sure i did we always had comes around so you look at that bloody money bags bloody fishy bags look at them it was bad though sandra sandra was such a cow bag that she was like right if you're gonna have a

fish you're cleaning the fish and she just would not clean this fish so but at some point cleaning the what do you mean cleaning the fish tank or the tank fish tank. Oh, the tank. I thought you meant like... We get them out. We give them each side with a toothbrush but a fairy liquid. His weekly bath. No, she refused to clean the tank and so did my dad.

So it would be that bad that he just couldn't see the fish because none of us three would clean it. I should not have took a drink of water there. I nearly covered the laptop in water. You couldn't see the fish. Couldn't see the fish. There you've got this tank tinted. No, no we're just uh disgraceful scruffy sods mom was like well i'm

not cleaning the fish out your responsibility i'd be like i'm 10 cestra i'm 10 one one thing the guy did say um because i said all about he was like you shouldn't get goldfish because they'll grow too big if you put it if he if you want to get a tank like this, when we're going to get the tank, he's like, I've got some alternative fishing gear because goldfish grow too big. And then he said a word, I very nearly laughed in his face. Can you remember the sentence he said?

He went, and a goldfish is a very dirty fish. I didn't even say that. He said it, he was like, goldfish, very dirty fish. Telling me. Very dirty fish, afish. Telling me. Very dirty fish. Oh, a couple of slabs. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Hello, Chris.

Oh, here we go. Oh, what's the matter? Oh, Chris, something terrible's happened. Sorry, which one are you? It's Becky. Right, okay. Oh, Chris, you're not going to believe this. What's happened?

So, I spoke to my mum the other day. Yeah. I don't know if you know, but I've got a new fella. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a new fella. Yeah, he's really lovely. Okay.

And turns out, you know, he loves his bike. Right. He really, really loves his bike. Your fella? loves his bike your fella yeah yeah okay i love bikes this is cool yeah he's called boo boo boo yeah boo and he loves his bike right right great and uh so he's been going he's been going on bike rides and uh he's been shagging my mom it's not funny sorry I was laughing at something else right so

Bo's been biking your mam he's been biking me and I can't believe it during lockdown as well

she's supposed to be shielding her lungs are fucked I'm absolutely devastated I just wanted to let you know

so if she rings in do not speak to her. Gladly. She's dead to me. Gladly. Dead. She's been dead to me. Dead.

Yeah, dead to me. Good. I just wanted to let you know. Yeah, good. Okay. I will make up with her one day because she looks after the kids. Right. But I'm giving it at least a week.

So don't talk to her, right? Okay. Okay, I'm going to have to go. Honestly, you just need your own little sitcom. You guys are amazing. I'll see. Documentary to follow you. I just thought he was going out on his bike.

Because he loved his bike. Yeah. Do you go on the bike? Oh, here we go. Yeah. Do you go out on the bike, Chris? I do go out on the bike, yeah. Well, just tell Rosie that.

I'm sorry. Yeah. All right. And I'll speak to you later. Well, just tell Rosie that. I'm sorry. Yeah. All right. And I'll speak to you later. Honestly, as if you... Go on, piss off then. Piss off then.

Piss off then. All right, bye. Bye. As if you have found a way to develop a plot point in your stupid little characters to slag off bikes.

I just... I'm not having... I can't believe this. What? I can't believe this. Can you believe Belinda... Shove off. ...is booking Becky's lad, Bo?

I can't believe there's so much alliteration in that sentence. I can't believe anything in it. I'm fucking nursing right. I am shocked, stunned, and amazed. We had, you know, last week and the past couple of weeks, you hadn't done any of the beef stuff, and I did think I was missing them and I was wrong

so what's your beef I got I got oh did I tell you about my passive aggressive tweet that I got no but I mean

that is that is tweets yeah oh yeah yeah yeah that's Twitter in general a man said I thought I really effing hated the beef family

yeah until they weren't there for a couple of weeks. And then I realised that just exactly what you've said, that both the opposite. Then I realised that I missed them. I was like, thank you. Oh, well, that's for you, you prick. Whoever you are. So funny.

Speaking of beefs, I've got loads, Chris. Really? Well, do you not feel like we're just sick of each other now and loads is happening? Yeah, I mean, I had to pick from one of three this week and I've picked one. I think I brought it up with you the other day momentarily in the garden centre.

I'm going to revisit it today. Well, go on, you might as well. You've started. Okay. Well, you do yours and then I can choose how severe I go with mine. Fantastic. Mine can be a sort of a litmus test for yours. Great.

Don't know what that means. Cool. So, my Beef With You, it's been going on for a while. I noticed it when we first started going out. Oh. But I thought, ah, it's nice. Sex appeal.

And then it's been happening again. Oh, definitely not. And then... Discharge? That's awful. Imagine, imagine how many fucking emails and tweets we would get if My Beef With you was discharged.

Imagine. Imagine if I was on a public forum, I outed you for something like that. Can you imagine? 25 million plus listens. You know what my problem with you, because I'm a bastard. Jesus.

You're discharged. It's worse than discharge. You are obsessed with yourself excuse me? yeah in a way not in a proper vain way that people normally are obsessed with yourself like looking in the mirror all the time

and spending ages on doing stuff you are obsessed with your name and you buy absolutely any fucking any old tat or shit that you will buy you will buy it that you would normally look past it,

but if it's got the name Rose or Rosie or Rosemary or Roses or a rose on it, you'll buy it. This is... Proper weird behaviour. All right, okay. I can go through the kitchen cupboards. There'll be so many pots and boxes and little knick-a-knack things with Rose and Rosie.

You look at houses on Rightmove and if anything's ever called Rose House or something, you go, we should live there. Should we? Live inside your own area, you arrogant bastard. Honestly, green doesn't suit you, Chris. How jealous you gotta be? Eh? Just because I'm named after a herb

and a flower. What are you named after? Fuck all. Eh? Possibly put a pit on the end maybe it's a crisp other than that note i'll take that crisps are much better than flowers i can't believe this is your beef this is because when we were signing those books behind you now there's roses on the wall as well right because they were nice they're a nice flower no no this is because we were signing them books and I, you know, said to you,

God forbid, I actually quite like my name, Rosie, and you were like, ah, and you've took that and you've made it into this. There's little boxes outside.

There's little plants with roses. There was a little thing. We got a little herb thing once and there was a little, like a little sort of tile in it with rosemary written on. When we got rid of the herb thing, you just put that

in the garden somewhere. So rosemary was just written in the garden like a little sort of tile in it with rosemary written on. When we got rid of the herb thing, you just put that in the garden somewhere. So rosemary was just written in the garden, like a bloody green-fingered Banksy fucking tagging the garden with your shitty name. Sick of you. I can't believe this. This is absolutely ridiculous. Right.

Oh, how are we then? How are we then? Oh, you're going Defcon 1, are you? Oh, no. You're going high. Ridiculous Right Oh howare then Howare then Oh you're going Defcon 1 are you You're going high Well actually I have got I have got like

Severe ones But this one You This is going to Surprise you right Right Because I hate it I hate this so much

But I've never said anything Because Because you do it so much And I genuinely Don't really want to Hurt your feelings Oh right you've done this since we met and it honestly makes us cringe makes my vagina dry up like okay so sort of the discharge great so sometimes well actually all the time usually if you i don't even know if i can do it if you burp or sneeze or something like that right instead of saying

beg my pardon you say beg my puddin Chris I hate it I hate it. I hate it so much. Oh, Craig. Oh, you've done it. Wow.

For years. Wow. I had no idea. I can't believe this. I feel attacked. Beg my pardon. Oh, God. All right.

All right, Nana. I had no idea you don't even I can't believe it well I didn't want to tell you because it's so ingrained in you and you do it all the time oh

I can't honestly I'm shocked I'm shocked and appalled do you not think it's ridiculous well I do now I didn't even realise I did it can you say it can you say it for our listeners so do it like pretend he sneezed I do now. I didn't even realise I did it. Can you say it? Can you say it for our listeners?

So do it like pretend he sneezed. I don't even, I'm now at the point where I think I don't even do that. Do it all the time. Really? All the time. I can't believe it. Or is it beg you not my? Oh, beg you puddin'. Oh yeah, it's beg you puddin', yeah, yeah. Ooh, beg you puddin'. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, hey. Oh, well. Honestly. It goes yeah, yeah. Well, hey. Oh, well. Honestly. It goes for sex life. Unbelievable, this. I'm in shock. Oh, you're like Mr. Truman before he finds out that his world's a mess.

What? That's something he would say off the Truman Show. Mr. Truman. What's his name? Is his name not... I don't know, but Mr. Trumanuman just sounded weird is that not his name is he not sorry i'm like mr truman before he finds out his world's a mess yeah that sounds like someone who hasn't even seen the film you've just heard you've just heard someone talk about it

and that's like third hand you've spoke to someone who spoke to someone else who's seen the film and you've tried to use it as a reference. I do want to be favourite film. Isn't he, before he finds out, he's like, good morning, good afternoon, and if I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. I'll beg your pudding. Right, there will be no... Tell you what, right, I'll tell you now, hand in the air, there'll be no more puddings begged in this house

from this day forward. And God, for Robin's sake. I should teach him to say it, that'll be good. Here we go. New bit of lockdown homeschooling. Beg your pudding time. Stop! Pudding time. Speaking of puddings, here's another beef for you.

You got some York got some yorkshire pudding rice out the other day and you put that on the bench and that sat there for two days and i put it away not yorkshire pudding rice rice pudding rice sorry the rice pudding box was out and i went why is this out you want me to make a rice pudding and i went all right it's like three days four days later i put the box away then this morning you went i might make some rice pudding i went all right we'll go and then get the rice box out again, stick it on the fucking counter for another four days and I'll put it back in four days' time. You rice pudding fucking liar.

Oh, I hate living with you. I hate living with you. Honestly, please. We're doing all right. Let's get separate houses. Tell you what, honestly, that's why I keep saying beg your pudding because he keeps saying you're going to make rice pudding and you never do, so I'm begging the pudding.

What? Since 2013, I've been making a rice pudding and you never do so i'm begging the pudding what since 2013 i've been making a rice you mentioned it oh hey slagging each other off is fun isn't it it's great i feel better yeah love you it's time for questions from the public public public as always guys if you want to get in touch It is shaggedmardinoid At gmail.com Send us literally anything Anything

Anything Do you know someone sent me A photo of pizza scissors Someone sent me a photo Of pizza scissors Apparently Well there's a company Who are giving them away

If you buy A certain amount of pizzas You collect the tokens And you get sent some Pizza scissors Aniac Sandra She cuts her pizza with scissors. Monkey, yeah.

So these things that I've had a pay, I think someone got us a pay in the past for a joke, if I remember rightly. I think I blocked them out. But it's like scissors and it's got on the side, it's got basically a plastic pizza slice with pizza written on it. But my thing is,

that pizza is going to have to cool down significantly so you can pick it up, you know what I mean, with one finger. I mean, stop cutting pizza with scissors. It's madness. Stop doing it. Once again, I have took the baton of the questions. I'm doing the questions this week because I'm essentially unemployed.

You really are. Rosie is a massive Instagrammer, a sellout, advertising any old shite on her Instagram. And I am here for you guys. All about the money, money, money. I am, bloody pizza says

next week, watch. I'm here for you guys to trawl through your weird and wonderful but mainly weird questions. And you did such a good job last week. Thank you. I was really worried

because you always do such a good job on week. Thank you. I was really worried. Why? Because you always do such a good job on the questions. No, listen. It's fine. We're beefed so much, I feel like we're swinging the other way. I love you. I do love you, you know.

I do. I mean, I hate you. Yeah. Like, equal amounts, but I do love you. That's lovely. Okay. Good, yeah.

I mean, maybe, you know, if we ever get our vows renewed, maybe we should do that. That'll be the first line. Welcome. Okay. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have have a question i was talking to my boyfriend last night in bed and we started talking about enemas great i enemas uh where you squirt some water up your bum yep to clean up stuff out clean your bum out yeah yeah um she's putting brackets normal which is good i i'm glad she realizes it's very

strange thing to talk about but we had a bit of pillow talk i said that i feel great after a poo and feel like i could take on the world so imagine how great you'd feel after an enema i can get that however i remembered that my mum brackets a nurse told me that they were potentially harmful and squirting water up there could be dangerous. My boyfriend replied, no, surely not. Otherwise, when water goes up your bum in the pool, it will be dangerous too, but it's not. Well, I am... I was confused.

Water doesn't go up my bum when I go in the pool. He said, yeah, when you jump in or when you relax. I burst out laughing, and I thought he was joking but he wasn't he said i could do it right now if i relax and suck air in oh so he's got a really lax arsehole he jumps in the pool and his arse just fills up with water what the hell's going on i would never russia would go swimming again. He didn't put his money where his mouth was and refused to do it in front of me,

which I was very upset about. I said, I can do that with my front bum. Back, it's queef. What the hell's going on here? Well, that's a vaginal fart, a queef. Oh. A vaginal pump. Oh.

They're very satisfying. Wow. Mm-hmm. Wow. You can get a bit... You've got to move around after. Oh, goodness me. It's just trapped here, isn't it?

Oh, God. Queef. Oh, heavens above. Presidia, can either of you do this or has it happened to you in a pool where you've sucked water into your bum? No. I don't know.

I don't think I've done that. Hang on. No. I remember once an ex-girlfriend of mine would walk a dog down the beach in South Shields once and he went into a load of rock pools and then he came out on the sand and I've never seen anything like it.

He came out on the sand and he was just standing and he barked and every time he barked, he sprayed water all over his arse. It was the maddest thing I've ever seen in my life. He's literally like, went on me shoe. It was like salt water mixed with dog shit. It was horrible.

It was horrible. It was just squirting out the back of him like a water pistol every time he barked. Well, that's like me after I had Robin. Right. Every time I laugh sometimes, I get a little wet patch. Oh, you're living with the wrong guy. You're living with the wrong guy.

Oh, that's funny. Poor little dog. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Bit of previous listening required for this question. Okay. So, you know the pizza scale we were sent the other day?

Oh, yes. The girls who said they would rate people on 1 to 10 but it wasn't just 1 to 10. It was pizza, so it was in a weird code. And what was the number one? Oh, it was like a ricotta and goat cheese. Spinach.

Spinach, disgusting. So someone has put their money where their mouth is here and they've emailed in. Hi, Chris and Rosie. After listening to the pizza scale on this week's podcast, it got me and my partner thinking what our pizza scale would be as we were horrified by those ladies' choices right okay so they've gone the confidence they've come in with here i thought

yeah and the first few i went yeah okay right okay this is going to be other end of the this is going to be like the other end of the scale well it's just after it's just one of those things where you know when people you know when you see people screaming and shouting in public and you think why are they screaming and shouting do you know i mean or why mean? Or why has someone put their opinion so far out there? Because some people just believe that they're right so much that they can't. So they've heard this pizza skill and went, well, that's ridiculous.

And they've sent theirs in and they're like, you're welcome, Chris and Rosie. We've fixed it. You haven't fucking fixed it. Oh my gosh, is it terrible? Okay, I'm excited. I kind of agree. So we're going from worst to best here for pizzas.

That's essentially what it is. Number one, tuna. Now, I've never had tuna on a pizza, but I imagine it's horrible. I like tuna. See, it's very personal. Number two, veggie supreme. I like a veggie. Well, okay.

Right. I like that. Number three, pepperoni. Don't know why that's been thrown at number three. Pepperoni's a staple. It's a good one. It should be quite high. But I can understand because you think, well, it's loads of grease, loads of oil. Sometimes

people don't like it. Number four, plain chicken. Does that mean no cheese? Does that mean no tomato, just a bit of some chicken on a bread? It doesn't, does it? It means margarita with chicken. It must. You could go to Subway for that. Fuck me. Number five, margarita. Don't know why that's

in the middle. Although, you know, I understand, no horrible toppings, no nice toppings, it's just a margarita don't know why that's in the middle although you know I understand no horrible toppings no nice toppings it's just a margarita number six meat feast mental why is that nicer

awful it's like literally dipping a pizza in the sea it's covered in salt water and oil it's disgusting who wants sausage on your pizza

manky number seven bolognese fucking mess you're an idiot I like bolognese but it's have you ever tried

to eat a bolognese pizza yeah it's madness fold it over have a calzone number eight chicken Kiev I love a chicken Kiev garlicese pizza yeah it's madness fold over have a calzone number eight chicken kiev garlic chicken pizza that's okay yeah yeah yeah number seven number nine you're gonna love this barbecue chicken yes please so this is quite good this is getting better this

is i'm on there on my wavelength you ready are you ready for number 10 oh are you ready for number 10 stuffed crust cheesy garlic bread with chicken pineapple and the jalapenos right i'm falling in the police i i'm falling in the police and i'm on the police no stuffed crust cheesy garlic bread with chicken, pineapple and the jalapenos. Right. I'm phoning the police. I take the jalapenos off and I'm on the phone with them. I'm phoning the police. No.

Don't you dare clap. No. Bollocks. I agree. It says here, don't knock number 10 until you've tried it. Well, Shannon and Chris,

I've got your email address and the police are coming around because you should be locked up. You're invited And the police are coming around because you should be locked up. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete, soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday.

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't.

The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Got a story for you.

Here it goes. A few years back, I had been shopping with my cousin and decided to buy some sexy underwear for the boyfriend to enjoy that weekend. I got home, tried it on and was feeling great about myself. Good for you. Unfortunately, I am not a confident enough person to send a photo, so I sent him a text simply saying, bought some new underwear today, you are going to come in your pants sexy looking point looking back i realized how cringy this was but all was well until i received a reply but not from the boyfriend but none other than a work colleague that i give lifts

to every work day her reply was you have just made my day. Mortified wasn't the word. Then I had to face her at 7am the next morning. It was awkward to say the least. So my question is, have you ever sent the wrong person a text? Yes. Have you now? I did it last week. Did you? Yeah, you know I did. What did you do? With my friend Lauren. Right. Well, you were in the other room. We'd been texting each other that day. And then I was texting my friend Lauren.

And you were in the other room. Yes. We were having a little, you were on Zoom, I think, with the lads. In the pub. We'll call it in the pub now. In the pub, sorry. You were in the pub. Yep. In your office.

And I sent, I thought it was for you right but I'd accidentally sent it to her right and I said where's me dairy milk you

cunt I'd forgot about this I remember coming through half cut and you told me you'd done that yeah but the problem is Lauren didn't reply going who are you talking to is that meant for me I remember coming through half cut and you told me you'd done that. Yeah, but the problem is,

Lauren didn't reply going, who are you talking to? Is that meant for me? She replied with a gif of someone just being like, like shocked. Yeah. And so I replied again going, where is me Terry milk?

And then it wasn't until a little couple later on, she was like, ha ha. And I was like, where is it? And then I realised it was her and couple later on, she was like, ha ha. And I was like, where is it? And then I realised it was her. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Can we explain to people who haven't listened? I mean, early on in the podcast, I'll mention it.

I have to hide dairy milks and anything I buy that's sweet. I have to hide them in the house. And then Rosie has to ask us where they are. Because if they're in the cupboard where she knows they are, she'll eat a full pack of dairy milks in one go like a like a fucking horse i know and sometimes just you know to make ourselves laugh or whatever we sometimes call each other really horrific names awful names swear words yeah yeah so that was that was that day but i sent it long time ago god i get so drunk in that office on them zooms because i'd completely

forgot about you weren't answering at all and i was just like because it wasn't because it wasn't you yeah ah mine's only ever been like if i've ever sort of text someone the wrong thing it's always it's never anything weird or sinister or like out of the blue or secretive it's just the wrong thing like oh sorry wrong person but i remember when um when we were getting work done in the house a few times i'd be away and i'd be texting the builders, but I'd be texting you at the same time and I'd be texting you, then the builder, then you, then the builder,

then you, then the builder. And a good few times, I put at least four kisses on a text to the builder. Oh, nice. Nice. God, few times. Better love that. Like, literally like,

all right, Christian's okay if we get some cash this weekend to pay the lads, you know, with it being a bank holiday. Yeah, no problem, babe. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Fuck.ads, you know, with it being a bank holiday. Yeah, no problem, babe. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Fuck. Well, you know, just being friendly. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Can you settle an argument between me and my partner? Always. Absolutely. As far as I know, there is only one way to wrap a sandwich. And that is to place one half of the sandwich on top of the other half and wrap it in cling film like a normal functioning human being that's what she's written here okay my partner is an engineer so you would think that the simple act of wrapping up a sandwich would be easy for him

but no the moron cuts his sandwich in half then wraps it with the two bits next to each other while doing this he also lost about half of the filling because the sandwich was flopping all over the place when i told him he was doing it wrong he was genuinely confused when i pointed out the mess of the sandwich filling all over the table brackets and the floor he said he couldn't be bothered to do it my way this might seem like an insignificant thing but it bothered me all night the man is so lazy he cannot be bothered to pick up half a sandwich and place it on top of the other half and wrap it. Given we have just bought a house together, I hold little hope of him doing any of the jobs he promised.

He has since said that there is no wrong way to do it, but there absolutely is. I've attached a photo of the wrongly wrapped sandwich. Annoyingly, she didn't attach the photo, which pissed me off. But that just tells me how angry she was just like I'm a jade ballad I hate to tell her

but I do it the same as a real fella but you do you use foil so there's a difference so the foil adds a rigidity not always you mainly do though

yeah but I sometimes when I've just cut it with the knife I put the knife underneath the sandwich and then I carry the whole thing over like a little platter.

I think she's got a point, but I don't ever, I'm never in a situation where it needs to be sturdy and sort of, you know, fully structurally sound. I can just wrap it in foil and leave it flat like that

because whatever I've got it in is going to be fine. What's he having in his sandwich? I don't know, the filling falling over the place. What's he having? Rice? What's happening?

Where's his Subway? I know. Rice. But you know what I mean? Call this the carb special. Oh, I'd love a rice sandwich. Oh, shut up, man. I would, you know.

Why? Because it would just be lovely. Or like a burrito. Have a burrito. Oh, that's what they are, isn't it? All right. Well, Meshach, I'm very annoyed

where Rosie, at the age of 33, has just found out what a fucking burrito is hope you're all enjoying it a bit dry though hi chris and rosie my fiance and i have been together for over six years and lived together for two years i was under no illusions about what he might be like when we moved in together he has never lived on his own and he was pretty well looked after, so I figured that he would need some time getting used to doing adult things.

Cut to two years later, and although he is much better than he was, there is still one habit of his that irritates me so much that it makes me angry just thinking about it. He never ever puts things away without having a layover in another place. I don't mean like putting something on the stairs

so you can take it up later. I mean washing a cup, walking to the cupboard it belongs in and leaving it on the counter next to the cupboard. Unless I point it out or put it away, items like this can literally sit there for weeks. Brackets, I waited once to see how long it would take and after three weeks I gave up.

Currently, I have a measuring tape in my key ball because he used it at the weekend and I asked him to put it away when he was finished with it. The box it is kept in is literally underneath where we keep our keys. I think it is madness that he's done the main part of the getting to the right area and then gives up and dumps it wherever he can find a gap.

Am I going crazy or is this just super annoying? Why have you chose this? I just stood out to us. Just stood out to us. Just sort of don't just prick me interest. Yeah.

I see where he's coming from. Why? Just sometimes life's too short to go that extra mile. Yeah, this is absolutely what you do. You love a bit of this. Love it. You will leave the hose in the back garden

next to the back gate without opening the gate and putting it through. Won't you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it is?

I think it's just like, I just don't have to, what's the word? Like, succumb to life things. Like, I can just. Sorry, I just don't have to, what's the word? Like, succumb to life things. Like, I can just. Sorry, I'm going to stop you there. I don't think that was the word, but carry on.

Maybe I'm just a rebel. Right, okay. Just a bit of a rebel. In your own house. I'm putting that away. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

You know what I mean? What a way to rebel. What do you do? I put the plate next to where the plate goes. Watch your back. Yeah. Don't expect me to. What am I thinking of? I don't know. Conform? what do you do I put the plate next to where the plate goes watch your back yeah don't expect me to what am I thinking of

I don't know conform that's what I was thinking of I will not conform right in your own house where you decided

where stuff goes right who run the world me who run the world messy fuckers who run the world lazy fucks

and yeah I'm just really lazy and apparently so is he scumbags both of you well can we just just take a second here me and her wouldn't get on

and I know this because who but who still has a tape measure in the box right no

oh no I don't think it's in the box it came in I think it's in a box no she said the tape measure box. Right. So I'm guessing she still has the original packaging

of the tape measure. No, don't you go and make her the weirdo. So I'm sorry. Don't you dare make my new best friend. Don't you dare make my new best friend, whoever it was who sent that email, that I've now deleted, a weirdo. But I get it as well,

because maybe he's put it in the key where the keys are kept. Yeah. So maybe the next time you goes to get his key, he'll go, I need to measure that window. Right. And it'll be there. But he'd finished with it.

Not, maybe he's not fully. Yeah. You're just pathetic. We need to stick together. You're a nightmare. Nightmare. Okay, we've got a birthday shout out next. Oh, really?

No, stop sending them in. Everyone, I read about 20 of them. Fucking pack it in. Not happening. You horrible man. Nasty piece of work. Sick of it, man. When I used to do stand-up, you know,

like when I used to do the comedy you know like when I used to do the comedy clubs and stuff back in the day if I was the host someone would come up and they'd have like a bit of paper and they'd be like

oh we're on that table that's like the birthday boy that's his details and that they'd hand us a bit of paper and I'd go oh thanks and as soon as I was out of the room I'd throw it in the bin

straight away well do you know what keeps happening to me and it is really sweet and as part of it I think oh it's so lovely and i never thought that i'd have followers on instagram and whatever but like i keep getting asked to go

on hen party zooms with people i don't know oh jesus i can't help but think that i really wouldn't enjoy them oh can you imagine if i just rocked up on a zoom which was awful at someone's hen party and be like hi yeah oh jesus like it's so it's never as good it's never as good right so the reason i know i might sound like an arsehole dear listener i know i might sound like a prick here by saying i just threw the things in the bin. I did years of, oh, amazing. So this is some details about the birthday person. Oh, great.

It was always a fucking disaster every single time. The only person in the whole, so we're talking a comedy club, let's say average 200 people in there, right? The only person who was buzzing, like you were reading out the details for the birthday person, was the person who gave you them yeah the rest of the table were freaking out going right what else has he said what's happened to you this is weird the birthday person was like oh fuck the whole room's looking as now or there were a pissed knobhead and the whole

totally ruined the night and the rest of the room are going this has got no relevance to us if i speak to you in the club and you are in a theater and it happens to be your birthday god we'll have fun with it but i'm. You're looking for them. Where's Barry? Where are you? There you are. 50 a day? Good man.

Right, shall we crack on? It's just shit. Well, is it just me? But I, like, right, birthdays. Let's talk about birthdays. You hate them, don't you? I hate birthdays. It's a day when you were born

and it happens every year and i some people bong on about birthdays i hate this all it's my birthday my right great that is amazing happy birthday all about me so weird yeah like wish me happy birthday during this thing like no do you not know absolutely not now you've gone for i say i thought it was a bit of a dicks in i'm not doing birthday shout outs you're you're denouncing all birthdays here i don't think you know what it is if we were in room 101 now i wouldn't let you put birthdays in room 101 i don't think that's fair i i would put birthdays in room 101 i know you would and i'm saying as curator i'm not gonna let you why because i just think people sometimes need

something to look forward to and a little thing and hey you know you were born exactly however many years ago to this day congrats great absolutely happy birthday yeah enjoy your birthday have a lovely time why does it have to impact my life so much so it's selfishness is that what it is that's the problem no i do not i do not hold my birthday over anyone, right? Maybe it's you. There we go there, the person you live with. You know what I mean? Maybe it's nice if you said, happy birthday, blah, blah, blah.

But then I don't expect everyone to drop everything for my birthday. To be fair, you are quite good because I have worked on your birthday. You've worked every single one of my birthdays. Yeah, yeah. I think this year thanks to covid19 i think this year will be the only year where i'm not working on our anniversary or your birthday something will come up fingers crossed i just don't anyone anyone wants to get in touch get us a gig for any of them two days i don't hold it important do you not remember when uh when it was robin's first

christmas and first birthday and everyone was like what you got him i was like nothing and people like you haven't bought him anything no i haven't bought him anything because he's it was Robin's first Christmas and first birthday. And everyone was like, what, you got him? I was like, nothing. And people were like, you haven't bought him anything. No, I haven't bought him anything because he's like, when it was his first Christmas, he was probably about 64 days old. Yeah.

And he had no idea. And I just thought, I'm not buying him anything. Yeah. Why would I? Yeah, I remember that. People thought I was absolutely disgusting. Ask him why he put on his list.

Why does he not tell you? It's because he's a kid. He doesn't know, man. He doesn't know what day it is. He doesn't know what morning is. He can't even see properly yet. Still wakes up in the middle of the night to be fed. Fucking weirdo.

Doesn't know what's up, what's down, what's morning, what's day, what's night. Fuck him. Keep your balloons to yourself. Don't care how old you are. Keep your balloons to yourself. Don't care. Keep you are. Keep your balloons to yourself. Don't care. Keep your balloons to yourself

might be the most miserable sentence I've ever heard anyone say. Maybe she's in a bad mood. Bar humbug Bar humbug might have just been suppressed by keep your surpassed by

keep your balloons to yourself. Just find it. What a little misery you are. No I just honestly Just want everyone Keep your balloons to yourself. Let's go away for me birthday. Oh let's not. a little misery you are. No, I just honestly... Just want everyone... Let's go away for my birthday. Oh, let's not.

Because do you know what? We're a friendship group of eight people and there's going to be eight other fucking birthdays, not just yours. And I'm our each. Happy birthday. Here's your card. Here's a bottle of wine.

Have a lovely time. See you later. Wow. I just later. Wow. I just don't care. And this is a woman who just yesterday to me said, I've totally had enough of this quarantine. I just miss people. I'm a people person.

You literally said those words to me yesterday. And now this bloody tirade. I don't hate people. You hate people on their birthday? Only hate people. I hate people. I don't even hate... You hate people on their birthday? Only certain people. Only certain people who take their birthdays really, really serious and celebrate it for three weeks.

Still out for my birthday. It was a fortnight ago. You're not. You're absolutely not. It's not your birthday anymore. It's somebody else's. Stop it. You got a point.

It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a really good point. It's one day. Enjoy it. Don't expect everyone else to give a shit because it happens every year and you're just a year older.

Nothing else. You're not even a year older. You're a day older than you were the day before. Oh, exactly. It's utter bullshit. You wouldn't let your kid... All right, we've finished that bit. No, I'm sorry. We're not even a year older. You're a day older than you were the day before. Oh, exactly. It's utter bullshit. You wouldn't let your kid... All right, we've finished that bit. No, I'm sorry.

We're moving on. Robin's five-year-old. Can you imagine him three weeks later going, my mum came for my birthday. I'd say, excuse me? Excuse me, son? It was your birthday three weeks ago. Now get over yourself

because it's your mate's birthday today and you're going to have a bit of his cake and shut up. Get those balloons out me face. Oh, why are we horrible? I think we've been locked down. I wouldn't have said this 10 weeks ago. We've been with each other too much.

This is the kind of thing where we'd get ahead of ourselves drunk on a night out. We'd say this in front of people. It would be silence. We'd get home and go, fuck, did you see the way they reacted there? Yeah, we've done it again.

Reign it in. But no one's reigning us in. And the people are loving it. Guys, every time you get us up the chart you validate our bullshit stop it no don't stop it I'm sorry

okay I've got one more thing to say oh fuck me go on then I'm just really gutted that I've shot myself in the foot because it's going to get to my birthday and nobody's going to wish it's my birthday

oh mate I am leading I am leading a Twitter campaign for no one and an Instagram campaign for no one to say happy birthday to you after this I can't wait

we'll see how you feel where's my phone I'm going to delete your birthday out of my calendar as well I'm going to be gutted nah fuck you

I'm just really I'm just really down angry you're down and jealous of people who've got birthdays now maybe I am yeah you're a real piece of shit

you know that babadoo babadoo babadoo bah got an email here from Italy ooh we've got a listener in Italy

I don't know if that's is that not Italian you've done it again there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go

there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go there we go we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world, we go to the world go, go, go. You mix up to Chiliano, all you calabresi to the Mambo like a crazy with the... Right, well, I mean, I don't know...

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. To the person who emailed in from Italy and everyone who listens in Italy, I'm sorry, I don't know if that was relevant or not. She just gets carried away and she has been locked down for a while, so that's what it's like. Stop. Last one, Cornetto. You can't just start singing. she just gets carried away and she has been locked down for a while so that's what it's like stop last one cornetto

you can't just start singing someone says that from Italy you can't start singing a cornetto song give it to me stop stop it first of all

can I just say it's that thing of where we are totally put to shame by everyone else in other countries who English isn't their first language because it literally says

at the end please feel free to correct slash rephrase if my email is not understandable English is not my first language, because it literally says at the end, please feel free to correct slash rephrase if my email is not understandable. English is not my first language. Oh, is it amazing? And it's better written than emails I've done. Like, just put what a shame.

So first of all, well done on that. It starts with one of the most beautiful and intriguing and innocent, but also lovely first sentences I think I've ever heard in my life. It's like the beginning of a children's story. Right. Ten years ago, I was lucky enough to be picked to play for a very important volleyball team in my city.

Oh, nice. That sentence just comes directly from a world that I don't understand. Aw. An important volleyball team in my city. Fucking great. That's exciting. Great work. Too bad that I soon found out that with important teams

also comes important sponsors. Damn right. Tell her about it, eh? We're in that sponsor land now. Damn right. The CEO of a sponsoring company made sure to always be in the gym with us to see if his investment was worth his time and money. Oh, wow.

So it's proper thing. Big time, this. This must be big time. In Italy, wherever this is, this must be a big thing. Yeah. He was a man in his 60s and often made

very rude remarks, sorry, jokes in speech marks in the face of the less important players in the team. I was one of his favourite victims

because I was not very skinny, bless you. But if the comments directed at me did not, I did not mind that much. What really infuriated me was the racist ones

he directed at some other teammates. So he's a real piece of shit this book, right? He often had people leaving the gym crying because they couldn't answer back because he was signing the paycheck. So he's a real bully, right? As the city's not very big, everyone knows everybody in the volleyball circle.

There's a Ben Stiller film to be made from this i'm telling you right now it's dodgeball yeah volley dodgeball during the year i played there it happened more than once that the man's name popped out in conversation and everyone agreed that he was not a nice person and definitely not as funny as he thought with his hilarious in speech marks comments one evening i was invited out for dinner with my brother, a couple of mutual friends and a few colleagues of my brother that I had never met before. We hadn't even ordered yet

when from the other side of the table a girl called for my attention and exclaimed, you play for that team, right? Then you must know this guy. Thinking she was in on the joke and probably bitter from one of his recent

not so funny remarks, I rolled my eyes and said, oh, unfortunately I do. I would set him on fire to which she replied he is my father i knew it i knew it oh oh no okay fucking skin crawls when i hear stuff like this i couldn't leave because i rode there with my friend i'm assuming sharing a car here uh and and and he was trying to hit on her best friend so he was not interested in saving me at all on the contrary he pretended not to know me great right this next one here rosie what's happened is someone has sent us in a screen grab of something they found on facebook okay right so it's some it's it's basically i

don't want to get i just need to basically say it before i read the body of the email because it's all sort of all over the place a little bit here we go right we thought we might you might like to see the attached this advice couldn't be less relevant to my husband and me brackets we are stuck in a top floor flat with a two-year-old sex ain't happening but we read it with interest and felt like we learned a lot it's the advice that sage have given about having sex during lockdown what our question for you is which piece of advice is your favorite and why now this is just sex with your partner or sex with strangers here it is this is the screen grab i loved it when I read it. Okay. It's titled, Limiting the Spread of COVID-19 During Sex. Great.

If you have sex with someone you don't live with, there are a few things that you can do to lower the risk of getting or spreading COVID-19. Oh, these are going to be horrific. Now, first of all, I didn't think we're supposed to be out there having sex or mingling with anyone we didn't live with. Well, not being funny, I can't hug my nana. What, so people can just

go and shag each other? Why do you want to go and have sex with your nana? What's wrong with you? I'd just like to give her a cuddle, actually. You know, no sex, just cuddles.

Oh, you horror. These blew my mind, right? Number one, avoid kissing or exchanging saliva with anyone outside your household. Oh, so...

Well, I'm worried. Oh, but sex without kissing is just weird. Well, I'm worried because me and the postman have been swapping little cups of spit for a few weeks now. And I didn't know we weren't supposed to do that. So that's upset me. Horrible. Avoid sexual activities which include licking around the anus. I mean, that came out of nowhere.

That's number two. Number two! That's number two. That came out of nowhere. And I don't know why the anus is involved here. So, they know something we don't know. Is that how it's spreading, is it? I don't know.

Number three. Use condoms or dental dams to reduce contact with saliva or poo. What's happening? What's happening here? What's a dental dam? I don't know what a dental dam is. I've got no idea what a dental dam is. But is that with kissing?

Use a condom to kiss? What, like put it on your tongue? I'm so confused. What does it say? I'm going to have to quickly Google dental dam because I don't know what's happening here. Dental dam. Sounds like a sort of chewing gum.

A dental dam is a thin, flexible piece of latex that protects against direct fucking hell i didn't know this was a thing oh there's a picture a dental dam is a thin flexible piece of latex that protects against direct mouth to general or mouth to anus contact during oral sex it's like a it's like a condom for your face look that's basically it why have i not known about this oh my god there's look there's a picture of someone opening the dental dam putting it on the vagina then throwing it in the bin look at that so basically to try and explain it listener if you i mean please pause the podcast and google it now but essentially

imagine taking and I'm not saying this is a good thing because you could choke but imagine taking chopping off chopping up a bit of a carrier bag

and basically holding it up in front of your face and then using your mouth to kiss someone it's like kissing through a plastic bag do you know what that'll be what

that'll be if someone's got herpes but you're still desperately licking them out in there through a plastic bag. Do you know what that'll be? What? That'll be if someone's got herpes. Why are you kissing them? But you're still desperately licking them out. Oh, Jesus. I mean, if herpes isn't putting you off, I don't know what is. Lisa, Lisa, look,

I know that you've got a flare-up, but I'm just desperate. I'm just going to stop thinking about licking your vagina. So I've been online, I've got some dental... Jesus Christ. You climb in this paddling pool, I'll be outside the paddling pool licking through the walls of the paddling pool. This is the worst.

I didn't know this was a thing. What's next? Number four. We're only on at number four. Take a shower and wash your hands and body thoroughly with soap and water both before and after sex now i'm up for that in everyday life i'm up for that i'd love that bloody love that that is how i sex life not a problem at all cleanliness don't have to change the sheets either very good

if you use sex toys this is number five if you use sex toys, this is number five. If you use sex toys, wash these thoroughly with soap and water and do not share them. Again, thought that would just be a rule. Thought that would just be a rule. Just come in with COVID. If you're getting your sex toy out and going, oh, should have gave this a wipe or like flicking crusty dried stuff off it. Oh, great.

Or heaven forbid you're going i'll get the dildo oh hold on no i lent that out to someone maybe do you know what i mean bloody i bloody lent them out my dildo during the lockdown didn't i i let honestly i lent out a dildo and the day we got locked down the day after can you believe the look got it never see that dildo again it's probably disintegrated i've lost count now the next one this one's amazing this this one is what i imagine you'd find in like a religious book that doesn't want you to have sex right okay um consider sexual arousal techniques that don't involve physical contact.

Great. Like talking. Talking. Talking. Two meters away. Just talking. Just... Oh, yeah.

Unbelievable. I wish we could have sex. You know what i would do i'd put the dental dam on right and then i'd get down on my knees i'd blow a bubble with it like i'm smacking chewing gum imagine this one this next one's even better right so if the if the talking if the talking's just not doing it for you right this one's the best, by the way. Mutual masturbation while social distancing. Oh, my word. Two as a part of wanking at each other. All right, you know, I'll ease the lockdown a bit.

Do you want to come over and wank at us? Yeah, all right, then. Can't wait. Let's open all the windows, keep it ventilated. How to ruin sex, eh? I'd just rather not bother it. Last one. Limit your physical interactions by reducing the number of sexual partners

you have overall and slash or at the same time. So no orgies. Oh, wow. There will be people still having threesomes on a Wednesday during COVID-19. Oh, 100%. 100%. Yeah, yeah.

And if you want to have a threesome on a Wednesday during COVID-19, two meters apart, dental dams on, plastic sheeting on the floor, wednesday 100 100 yeah yeah and if you want to have a threesome on wednesday during covid 19 two meters apart dental dams on plastic sheeting on the floor get your bloody you know get your imagination on do some dirty talk you'll be fine man why not yeah fucking great that like got an email uh exciting update for us now oh i love an update do you remember the lady who had the lockdown romance yes yes she's got back in touch oh okay cool i wasn't looking for her email i randomly found it just ran it just randomly popped up and i was like oh my god um hi chris and rosie i thought that i would give you an update on my potential lockdown

romance i will start by clearing up what happened with my first neighbor as you both seemed very concerned that i had binned him off. I literally feel like we're being told off. But what happened then? Whilst this, just very fair, whilst this neighbour is a lovely man, I have always viewed him as a friend. However, I still leave bakes on his doorstep and share

a conversation or two over our garden wall. So he hasn't been completely binned off. He's ugly. Just keep my options open. That's what she's ugly. She's keeping her options open. That's what she's doing. Don't fancy him at all. I'll make you a brownie. Don't want to shag you.

Secondly, Rosie is right. I do live in a middle class area, as I have, and this made me ill, by the way, as I have two weight rows within walking distance of my flat. Who do you think you are? Slab.

I'm also a North East girl, she says. Well, you've changed. Since I sent my first email, things have got more serious. I am still speaking to my second neighbour every day and I have been

in his socially distanced company every evening, every single evening for a week and a half now. Oh, this is exciting. During these conversations, we have spoken about the fact that we have so-called moments

which we obviously haven't acted on as this would mean breaking social distancing. We have also admitted that we like each other as more than friends. But he's concerned that if we act on our feelings, he may not be able to handle it. I don't know what that means. I don't know if he's getting a bit too excited. I would personally rather see if there's something there and act on it post-lockdown rather than wonder what if. So she wants to act and she wants to take it to the next level we are still talking flirting and

spending time together and he has made it clear that if i haven't stopped exciting him and he does like me dental damn dental damn dental damn come on chris dental damn dentaldam, Lisa needs braces. Den-o-dam, Lisa needs braces. Den-o-dam, Lisa needs braces. Get in. Get your minge licked out by your neighbour. Yes. Wow. Do you know what it is?

Listen, I understand that there's a virus out there and it's not great and everyone's got a social distance. But this is exciting. Well, what they could do... How could you not... How could you hold it back hold it back right well what they could do is look at both i don't i don't i'm not a government um minister here i don't i'm not the health secretary so i'm i know i'm sorry i do sorry did you think i was i thought this was this i'm so sorry the podcast was about oh yeah no no it's not no no it's i'm just making half this up it's just bollocks basically

is it not okay if he completely isolates for 14 days then she completely isolates for 14 days and doesn't see anyone else and they know

they haven't got it can they then go for it I am giving them permission listen she says please obviously

keep me anonymous any advice for an extremely confused girl? That is our advice. I'm going to email you back, get your address. We're going to send you so many dental dams, you'll not bloody know what to do with them, love.

Wow. Build a fucking bouncy castle out of them. Once again, thank you so, so much for coming back and listening every week. We absolutely love you guys. You've been listening to this week's Shagmire Denied, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please listening to this week's Shagmire Denoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and we're just glad you're enjoying it

during these weird times and we will talk again to you next week. Maybe? Yeah, we will. No, we will. We'll be back next week. Okay, bye. Alright, bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party

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