Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 69. Meal for Two

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

On the podcast this week, it's meal for two time! Chris and Rosie bring their beef to the table and discuss their week which involves Chris potentially buying enough logs to build a cabin. QFTP's vary from a pizza slice being hidden in a questionable place to a story about a giant Ant that ends in tears. All of this plus a brilliant question from Scott & Jemma Bennett Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband he's still tennis snoring Christopher Ramsey Am I? All the time

Really? Honestly I was aware that I was snoring last night and this morning I was aware of it sometimes I know it's happening and I just can't stop it Is it the dig to the ribs

that gives it away or? Was that you? Always, yeah. Really? Nearly every night, Chris. I wasn't away. Disgusting. Every night?

Wow. Almost every night. You start talking a lot in your sleep. Have I? You talk a lot. Just your normal bullshit. I never listen anyway. Some drivel.

And Robin, as he comes in our bed some nights, laughs hysterically in his sleep. He does. Which isn't fucking terrifying at all. Really weird. He kicks me and everything, honestly. He's vicious. Out of nowhere, they're like,

you see him going... It's horror movie shit. That is horror movie shit. Guys, thank you so much for listening and coming back again. We love you. This is episode 69. Oh, hey! You dirty, dirty slobs. 69 meal for two. we love you this is episode 69 oh hey you dirty dirty

slobs 69 meal for two did anyone do you know what I've never heard that meal for two I've never heard that

that was one of the questions we've skipped ahead already and it's the intro but it was one of the questions today it was someone said that the grander says reads the bingo and says

69 meal for two with a view oh never for two with a view never heard the with a view bit that's ruined it if I'm honest listen we're wasting too much time here time's money money's burning away really important lucrative sponsor just witnessed this today I've seen it around the place

but I witnessed it in person for the first time today heck of a sponsor this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is wearing your face mask in public but having your nose popping over the top of it utterly pointless

fucking idiot hey want to stop the germs coming out your face cool want to stop them only coming out of one of the holes

on your face okay then you put that mask on like it's a gag, like you're a hostage. Just put it over your mouth and just let your beak point over the top of it and honk your germs everywhere, you stupid, stupid individual.

Do it properly or don't bother. Christ alive. Do you know what I've seen, which I've enjoyed seeing a lot? What? People having face masks on, but then taking them off for a cigarette Yeah that one's good as well That's always fun isn't it It's the people who take them off and talk at you

You go you got it on And they go I'll just pull this down and talk at you No no no keep it there that's why Honestly To be fair no one knows what's going on but the nose over the mask is the stupidest thing i've ever seen also here's something this'll this'll make you really sad right um because we're disgusted in human race yeah apparently the face masks are now uh polluting the seas

everyone's like not disposing of them properly so they're ending up in you know where like in the sea not in the rivers just in nature

just yeah somewhere out in the environment so that's great oh well I was really happy and now I'm sad sorry but I'm still having the money off that sponsor

I don't care if they end up in the sea I'm still getting that lucrative cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching for having your nose over the top donated back to the NHS having your nose over the top go on get that it back to the NHS. Having your nose over the top. Go on, get that beak just hanging over the top. Go on, you filthy, stupid dog.

Sick of it all. Oh, here's a jingle. Oh, damn you. I was too busy. You made us laugh. Well, you know, that's what you signed up for when you married this lad. Here's a jingle. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap.

Jingle. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmode Annoyed, where I was in a dirty, rotten, stinking mood about five minutes ago. But do you know what? I already feel better. Thank you, Chris. Do you know what? That's why we had a bit of a longer intro there. That was a bloody long intro. We covered multiple topics. But I could tell, I think you just needed it.

I think you needed a little cheeky little smile. Cheeky little vent. We're very different like that. Yeah. I like to talk about things over and over and over again yeah whereas you guys should does she does so mix on our mind i'll get that shit thrown at us all day long best one is when you uh you tell us a problem and i give you the solution to the problem and you go no i just want to vent and i go but this is the solution and you problem. And you go, no, I just want to vent. And I go, but this is the solution. And you go, no, I'm just going to whinge all day. Whinge is a good, yeah, it's just I love a good whinge.

But I'm the opposite, aren't I? I hide from problems. I bottle that shit up. I bottle it. I push it right down. It comes out, you know, a few years later in the form of, you know, a panic attack or shouting at Robin for no reason. You know, this is the form of you know a panic attack or shouting at robin for no reason you know this is this is this is the life you know i can't wait can't wait till 2025 it's gonna be a fun year yeah you're gonna just burst all the covid19 is gonna come out then yeah

yeah yeah i'm gonna be in greg's or'm going to go, is any of your sausage rolls warm? No, they're all cold. Mother! What's wrong with him? I remember when we couldn't get them that time. Hey, they're back on sausage rolls now. Back out there. They are, but not stotties. Can't get stotties.

I went in this morning for a stottie. It's one of them things where you don't realise some of the stuff that's been knocked on by the whole situation of the lockdown. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till that's been knocked on by the whole situation of the lockdown. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone? That was beautiful. They fucking shut Greggs. You can't get a study for love, no money. Donuts apparently are coming back this week in Greggs.

Amazing. Very exciting. But yeah, I went in for a study and they said, we're not doing studies because of corona. And I immediately went, why? But like not in a nasty way just in i wanted to learn i was like how how can some and they said our social distancing at the bakery and i thought perfectly perfectly reasonable explanation happy days and i only smashed a bit of the shop up

just a tiny bit of it how grown have you hey listen i am grown i'm moving on. I'm, you know, I'm changing every day. So, still here? Still here. Still going strong? Our lockdown, our partial lockdown, I don't know anymore.

I'm not watching the news, but I imagine the news this week has been, zing, zing, news flash. Don't know what that noise was. Zing, zing. That's the news. That must be the news.

What is this news round? I don't know what it is. I wanted to go like, extra read all about it. But I imagine the news this What is this news round? I don't know what it is. I wanted to go like, extra read all about it. But I imagine the news this week has been, hey everyone, the shops are open again. And then I imagine the news every night has been,

there was people at the shops. That's kind of the way they do it, isn't it? It's just what life is now. That's kind of how they do it. Look at this queue. Damn them. What, for the shop that's open

that they're allowed to go to? Yeah! Shopping at home! But they're allowed out now. I don't care! All right, good. Well, I'm glad we're all still shouting and arguing with each other.

And as well, I've already seen one and there'll be more. There's always a clip of a Geordie going, I'm just trapped to be out. There's one of a man at the minute

and he's literally like, well, our lass has gone in the shops but I'm just certainly waiting for the pubs to open. Blug said that to me the day at the bank. I went to the bank the day.

By the way, massive shout out to people who pay in cheques. Go and fuck yourselves. Yeah? Massive shout out. Not naming the names. I did a load of preview gigs

for my tour that didn't go ahead. Got paid, got paid for literally like five or six of the gigs got paid for it via check the check came the day we got locked down so the banks were shut so that's been sitting in the i've been terrified but check sitting there i don't know when they run out i think there's a sell by date i mean i think it's six months or a year but we haven't

been that long anyway i stood in the queue and there was a bloke behind like making a bit of conversation and he went hey there's loads of people down here today I went yeah well you know people are allowed to go to the shops now

I said you know it's sort of quite nice to see it makes it feel a bit normal again he went yeah he went just get the pubs over there and I like turned to him and I went

god honestly mate I've got a funny feeling they're going to be like the last things but I thought he was going to cry oh did you oh you said that to him yeah yeah i went i was just having a conversation i want it back i want it back right because i went i went oh man i reckon they'll be the last

things like you know and he like when you went well well i heard i heard july and i went oh did you well that must be right i'm not watching the news yet must be July and he like smiled again and I was like I fucking hope the pub opens for him he looked gutted I don't weirdly I don't miss the pubs well I don't

well I just I miss the whole social side of life but if we can get that back a little bit with just a few certain people do you know what I mean I can wait for the pubs and stuff but what my thing is

is I worry about our favourite bars and restaurants yeah that they're gonna close down yeah I would find really sad but I went past one of our favorite ones on one of me a numerous bike rides this week and I genuinely did look in the windows and it was sure and I thought if you shut down I'm gonna probably break in and squat as rights and just sit there and just be like I live here now I'm sorry this is my house I get it this is where I live

I'd bring Robin to see you I claimed the other week when someone's photo was outside of the shop that it hadn't happened yet I'm going to tell you right now what's happened what's happened

I'm at the level now I miss soft play oh you're there I miss it oh Chris welcome welcome I miss it I miss the soft play I know it's there. I miss it. Oh, Chris. Welcome. Welcome. I miss it.

I miss the soft play. I know. And I never thought that would happen. I know. And the one we go to, I even miss the toast there that they can't do. It's terrible, the toast.

I think they do their toast in the oven. They do, because they're not allowed to use toasters. Yeah, I think they just bake the bread. Yeah. And it's like a big biscuit. And I'd give anything for one of them big biscuits now. Well, what about the other one where the chips and gravy are really good, though? Because it's like a big biscuit and I'd give anything for one of them big biscuits now well what about the other one

where the chips and gravy are really good though because it's attached to a pub and you can drink wine in there that's my favourite one I even miss

the smell of piss just lingering round I mean that's no and then Robin comes out and he's sweaty and his feet are all like sticky and that

I just miss I just miss all of that yeah actually no I don't miss the one thing I don't miss I don't the one thing i don't miss i don't miss how disgusting the bottom of your socks are after you've been in the soft play vile do you think they'll ever open soft play again i don't know probably not because what they might have to do before they open everywhere is go around with one of them blue lights

oh i mean and i can imagine it wouldn't be that good you wouldn't be able to say anything in the soft play everyone just all go white and flat. Good disco. It would be absolutely minging. Do you remember that one we went to? I'm not going to name it. We probably should name and shame it because it should be locked, like should be knocked down.

Right. When you went in the toilet and there was just shit all over the wall. Do you remember? Yes. Yes, there was poo all over the wall. We went to one that was attached to somewhere else. Again, I don't want to dig anyone out to any places. It's just the one time we were there.

It's not like I go every time. But there was a baby with a full nappy had gone down the slide and there was a big skid of shit down the middle of the slide. That was good. Don't miss that one. I don't miss that specific one. No, but our personal favourite. I miss the ball pool in that one just

not the slide yeah yeah yeah so there's that do you know what has happened what has happened i noticed i was hovering before me drinking it was pissing you off no you it wasn't the hovering with your drink before that was pissing me off it was the fact that you're just one of them people who drinks out of your sports bottle i love in the house when there's cups in that first of all it's uh it's a metal sports bottle right it's your bike it's a bike bottle hashtag bike guy um and you're jealous aren't you i'm not jealous i find it i just find it a bit sad anyway what was i saying oh what has happened during lockdown is um i've come up with loads of places that i'm going to send robin when when it's

all done of like hobbies and that okay because he's at a hobby age yeah yeah he's at it i mean it's very uninteresting but he's not at a hobby age he's at it with all this happening he's at it just literally get him out the house and let him do oh yeah he's gonna he's gonna be at a different sports club every night of the week and then on a weekend I'm just going to drop them off at swimming and pick them up when it gets dark. Just put a floater on them

and throw them in. Yeah, he'll be fine. Drink the water that's round you if you get thirsty. Yeah. You're submerged in it. I went back to a comedy club on Saturday night.

You bloody did. Bloody hell, it was exciting. I know. You left us here, high and dry. Honestly. On me, Todd. It was the Stan Comedy Club in Newcastle. We're doing like a gig.

If you weren't familiar with what happened, it's like we're just doing a little gig for them online to raise some money for the club. Yeah, like fundraising is the word I was looking for. And it was amazing to be back in. That was the last gig. That was the sort of first gig, last preview gig,

first gig I had to cancel before cancelling the tour. I had one stand comedy club gig left of my new tour. I had to pull it and then we got locked down a few days later. So it was lovely to be back.

Really nice. You and your lad? Me and my lad, Carl Hutchinson. Back on, back on the scene. Me and him, back together again. Honestly,

yous look... The boys are back in town, The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town. You just looked so giddy. We were so happy. The periods were just so happy to see each other. Yeah. Bless.

I was so jealous because I would love a little night with my mates. Well, do you know what I realised? I realised while everyone was kind of standing around socially distancing, obviously, we were all out to take some beers. We took our own beers. And everyone was standing around socially distancing. And I don out to take some beers so we took our own beers and everyone was standing around socially distancing and i don't really get closer than two meters to people ever like before this happened i always walk around if everyone's sitting down in a group i'm either standing away you know the amount of times you're horrible to

be around yeah when people come to our house i do the dishes and i sit up on the if people are sitting at the table i sit at the counter at house, I do the dishes and I sit up on the, if people are sitting at the table, I sit at the counter at the other end of the kitchen and just shout over. I don't like being close. This is that part of it. Once they open everywhere, there's going to be some people going,

isn't it weird not being close? When a stranger's right in your fucking face talking to you, I hate it. Well, it'll be quite nice so that, you know, when someone, when certain people

get really hammered and they proper invade your personal space yeah yeah they're not able to do that anymore oh good man and you'll be like mate back off

it's like if they get it down to a meter which I think they're talking about doing right I might get remember the old school meter sticks I might just keep one of them

just to poke people away with yeah that'd be really fun back please obey the stick babadoo babadoo babadoo stick can you believe that they're still together after all the shit that they've been through who

your ass cheeks Jesus Christ that's are you alright I'm not okay I'm not okay Chris I haven't been okay for weeks honestly who is okay who is okay right now do you think people who are at work are okay I'm not okay. I'm not okay, Chris. I haven't been okay for weeks. Honestly. Who is okay?

Who is okay right now? Do you think people who are at work are okay? Possibly. I've never been... I never thought I'd be envious of people who, during all of this, had to go to work. But I really am. I would love to be at work right now. You're at work.

This is... From home. Right. We are of the people who can work from home so we are working from home we're sat now at our dining room table working

and it's awful I just want to be somewhere else do you think do you think any of the duos any of the double acts do you think

one of them turns to the other one halfway and goes this is awful isn't this awful probably I can imagine no but it is i want to

just go i don't even work in an office but i just want to go to an office space right okay i just want to like see i think some people have been sort of shielded from how uh scared and weird some things are like if you're not noticed if you go to like the supermarkets the people who work there do not give a fuck no and i'm so envious of them yeah yeah it's crazy in the uh i did this sort of self what's the scan and go thing at asda where you scan all the stuff it's exactly what it's called right okay what i wanted to say was what's the thing where you get to use the gun and walk around shooting all the stuff scan and go um well done i get to the end i get the finish line right and you've got to do your thing and the lady has to check

it happened to be a lady at this point sexist it was literally a lady had to check your shopping to make sure you haven't nicked anything

so it's like everyone two meters one way system all this stuff and then she just fucking climbed in the trolley at the end and went through all this stuff

and I was like it's a good job I'm not freaking out here I know I asked a shop assistant a non-gender specific just to just to not piss you off so you call sexist again shop assistant asked lady in the bread aisle i said where's the um i was after some kind of spread i went where is that and

she went it's up this way i just started walking the opposite way to the arrows oh rebel yeah she walked the opposite way the arrows and i looked like that and i looked at the arrow and i looked at her and she went you can go against the arrows if you're with me. I'll get in. Great, so that's... So it's not really about the virus then, it's about just a one-way system. It's not like you're going to...

Are you me fucking white blood cell? Are you me antibody? Like... Crazy. I bet she loved that. Do you know what it is? No one knows what's going on still. That's the whole thing.

No one knows. Eek. But put your mask over your nose. Christ alive. Got a phone call, Rosie, earlier on. You know, we've been using the outside barbecue thing quite a bit. It takes logs. And then when the weather got a bit cold, we've been using the log fire. I ordered some logs the other day.

I don't know if I told you about this. I ordered a pallet of logs. I got a phone call to say that they're going to come tomorrow. I'm scared. the log fire i uh ordered some logs the idea i don't know if i told you about this uh ordered a pallet of logs i got a phone call to say that they're going to come tomorrow uh i'm scared why i honestly think i underestimate how much is a pallet of logs a cubic meter of logs how much is that i don't know but they're literally coming in a massive wagon with a crane to bring it i've got a feeling it's going to be more logs than i've ever seen in my life what's a cute i don't know what a cubic meter is but i was like i know how much when i go to the shop and buy a bag of them and every time every single time i go

to any shop wicks or home bargains or anything and i'm putting more than three bags onto me some bloke always goes hey you want to get yourself a proper pallet delivered man see if you sell some money it's bloody expensive in here every time okay i went online and i bought them and they were expensive because i thought you must be getting loads and then when i worked it out against what a bag is from wicks i think we're gonna have to build a house of logs like three little pigs how much is a bag i think the entire garden is going to be. So the bag's normally about six quid-ish. Okay. For a bag.

How much did you pay for this pallet? £175. Shut up. There's going to be... Are you having a laugh? So many logs. Like, I don't know where we're going to put them. You better be joking.

I'm going to have to buy... I'm going to have to say, can I keep the pallet? We've got Robin's paddling pool that we've deflated. I might just have to put the paddling pool over it so it doesn't get wet in the rain there's gonna be so i'm scared i'm actually scared i'm livid the guy phone us today why do you do this why didn't you google you can you can look on google and look how much that is it would show you a picture yeah well i kind of went meter i saw i saw i saw it was c cbm or whatever cubic cubic whatever it stood for i googled that i saw it was c cbm or whatever cubic cubit whatever it stood for

i googled that it said it stood for cubic meter so i just sort of put my hand out my hands out is what i thought a meter was because again i remember the meter stick from school which i'm gonna buy and use in the supermarkets and i thought i mean i thought that's not too bad but then i didn't take into account that it was a cube cubed so what's that so i took it as a square and i looked at like a square on the floor and I was like, oh, that many logs, okay, but then it's up as well. Oh, you morons. This is going to be so... Oh, Chris.

I'm scared. They're going to get wet. He phoned us like I was a builder, like the way he spoke to us. He's like, you want to take delivery? It's going to be so many logs. Oh, you twat. Why? I hate...

No, this is you. This is you through and through. You do not think about stuff. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. I have got a theory of what I might do is I might pile them up all the way around the house under the windows. So if you're looking out, you won't be able to see them.

That's not okay. They're not coming in the house. They'll be full of spiders and everything. No way. Oh, no, they're kiln dried. Unless they've been in a warehouse or something. What does that even mean? I don't know.

20 quid more. It was 20 quid. Oh, God. Chris, I'm'm gonna be raging when are they coming tomorrow oh no what time

I don't know are you even in I don't know so there's a chance I'll be out and I'll have to like ring them and open the gate and I'll be like

oh just put them somewhere and you put them somewhere put them in front of the car yeah stay tuned next week to find out what happened

with the logs hashtag pray for Chris hashtag yeah pray for Chris babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for

what's your beef nothing no do you know what I had a full little thing planned out yeah but I haven't been prepared

I was gonna have sound so I'm gonna wait until next week and it's gonna be even better yeah it's worth seeing you all a little bit

down today aren't you just like I'm fine but it's just everything going on it's just sometimes it just gets to us a bit yeah

I think I think everyone can relate everyone listen I think I feel the same sometimes but you know I'm used to carrying this entire production on me back so I'm not bothered I'll just soldier on Everyone can relate. Everyone listen. I think I feel the same sometimes. But you know what?

I'm used to carrying this entire production on me back, so I'm not bothered. I'll just soldier on. That's nice. Do you know what I can do, though? What? I can do the beef really well. Because you're raging.

Because I'm, you know. You're going to channel that negativity. Yeah. Well, I look forward to this. Great. Look forward to passive aggression. I haven't recorded anything, have you? No, no, no, no, no.

Still getting shit for that. Still getting shit for that. Still getting shit for that. What? Who what? The haircut. Oh, the stand. We put the thing, the comedy club video up.

That was streaming. All the comments underneath, nice haircut, Ramsey. I was like, oh, fuck. It is a bloody nice haircut. Yeah. I'll tell you it is. Do you want to go first or me?

I've got a few. You can go first. We'll just do one. Should we not do a few? No, I've only got one, you bastard. Oh, you've only got one. Right, okay. Right.

At the minute, so what keeps happening is you go on your bike ride. Obvs. Your stupid, long, unnecessary bike ride. Mental health and fitness and bike guy. And then you come back and then you open, which is weird because this kind of goes

against the beef that you had with me a couple of weeks ago and this is why i feel like you're the biggest hypocrite in the world yeah because what you started doing now is you're coming at the house and you're like oh god it's boiling and you just open all the doors when it's not hot when you've been on like an 18 mile bike ride and you come in the house and you say that it's boiling and I'm not boiling because you know what I haven't been anywhere so I'm just sat there

and it's cold and you open all the doors but then the fact that you're opening the doors when I get wrong for opening the doors on hot days yes

because of flies so I think you owe me an apology actually it's never going to happen it's muggy at the minute so there's not that many flies around. You're a mug.

You're muggy. I wish I was angry that day. I've got to be careful. If it stops at any point we've had to re-record something because it's kicked right off. The doors can be open when it's cloudy

because for some reason there's no flies kicking around when it's cloudy but when it's sunny they're all over the place. But I have... This weather at the minute is doing me head in. Because it's so miserable to look at and it genuinely makes a sad looking out the door.

But then it's so warm and sweaty. It's close. Yeah, I walked to the shop the other day and I was literally carrying most of my clothes back. It was horrible. I didn't take my top off. I'm not one of them guys. I took my hat off and I took my jacket off. Because it looks about four degrees outside and you walk out and it's like 16 who are these people if you're listening now and you are one of them blokes who takes the

tops off and walks around the streets and tucks it in the shirts and stop it just turn off now yeah we do not want you you're not welcome yeah if you're driving a van now with your top off stop it stop it right now pull over put your top off, stop it. Stop it right now. Pull over, put your top on, close your window. It's never hot enough for that. Never. I was on my bike. This is Jen Jones.

I was on my bike going across the cliffs the other day, and someone went past. No T-shirt on, jogging, just shorts, no T-shirt. But the T-shirt wasn't about his person, so he'd left without the t-shirt. But for a jog? I can forgive that. Nah, I shouted

not that hot. I can, no, see, jogging, I can forgive that. No, because... No, but you're doing something that's getting you really hot. Yeah, but he left the house

without, unless he's just thrown his t-shirt away like some kind of bloody millionaire just throwing his clothes away while he's running around. Maybe he has.

But he was just running and he was just like Did he look nice though? You know what? I did give it a little lick. He did look very good. I did lick him up and down till he said stop.

No, I just thought I went not that hot. Not that hot. It's not that hot. It's never that hot. It's never that hot especially here. Yeah.

We're on the north coast. Although the other day, I told you about this, didn't I? I was hungover from the comedy club and I had a little nap on Sunday afternoon

when you were out with Robin and I woke up and I'd had two blankets on. I don't know why. I put two blankets on. I had jeans and a T-shirt on. Me mate phoned us and woke us up.

So I was like, like half-woke from a nap. Hotter than I've ever been in me life took the blankets off stood up obviously I didn't answer the phone call because I didn't know

what I was doing stood outside hotter outside than it was inside Rosie I took off all of me clothes did you

and lay on the bathroom floor on the tiles no you didn't to cool down I swear to god I did I took them all off and I lay on the tiles and I actually came down

and took me temperature afterwards because even though it was all social distance I'd been at the comedy club and I lay on the tiles and I actually came down and took my temperature afterwards because even though it was all social distance, I'd been at the comedy club and I was like, oh God, I've got it. And it was just a hangover.

Do you know what? Honestly, if something ever really serious happened to you, I don't think you'd cope at all. No, no, I'm pathetic. Like, think of something serious

that could happen to you. What do you mean? Like, I don't know, just something really, like a really serious illness. Well, I mean, let's not bring the tone down. I know, but you just, you mean? Like, I don't know, just something really, like a really serious illness. Well, I mean, let's not bring the tone down. I know, but you'd just,

you'd be... If I was diagnosed with something really bad, yeah. Yeah. I'd be a clip, yeah. You'd be awful. Yeah, it'd be a nightmare. I think about it

probably once, twice a week if I get diagnosed with something bad, how would I cope? I would cope terribly. Do you only once or twice a week? Maybe more than that, yeah. Rosie, I think about

what happens when you die nearly every night when I go to bed. What, a bad day? No, me. Oh, you don't? What happens when you die? every night when I go to bed What if I die? No me, what happens when you die Oh you don't If you ever hear us make a random noise out of nowhere I've just thought about what happens when you die

and I've had a little panic attack in my head and I've had to make a noise to get rid of the thought Do you know if you ever got I would look after you if you ever got really poorly No I'm a good carer Well it doesn't sound like it Judging by this podcast you're a bedside man That's fucking atrocious sweetheart I would look after you if you ever got really poorly, you know. No, I'm a good carer. Well, it doesn't sound like it. I'll be honest with you. Judging by this podcast, you're a bedside man.

That's fucking atrocious, sweetheart. Atrocious. I would. I'd look after you. I promise you. You're fucking begrudging me. I'd get it in the ear, wouldn't I? I would.

Put your own fucking tubes in, you twat. Me friends would ring me. Do you want to come out and be like, No, got gotta look after him don't I that wanker oh god I'd rather just die

do you sometimes love my favourite thing to do at the minute is do you know how I've got my little seat in the bathroom

when I brush my teeth so you're home all the time now so we brush our teeth at the same time it's quite romantic and I sit on the windowsill and you stand at the mirror at the sink and do you enjoy that i always say if i died

you would look over to here and be like oh it's it's so weird it's so weird so just explain that phrase again i sit sort of i stand near the toilet looking just into the middle distance. And Rosie's got a little, like you perch yourself on the windowsill with your feet on the bath, like Gollum from Lord of the Rings brushing his teeth. And it's where you sit. And yeah, a few times now, dear listener,

my wife has looked at us and just said, if I died, you'd brush your teeth and you'd sit and look at this little windowsill and think, eee. Remember her. That's where she used to brush her teeth. And I will now because you've banged on about it. I probably wouldn't have done it organically.

I want you to. And if you move another woman in here and she dares sit on my little seat. I'd push her off. I'm joking, by the way. Listen, for the podcast if I ever died I would love you

to meet someone else just as long as she's nice well if you die I'm going to get you stuffed and mounted and put on that little secret oh yes please brushing your teeth

for eternity fresh breath till the end of days you are welcome oh I'd love that I can feel the I can feel the toothpaste sponsors

ringing up now oh what you using this week? Put a different little tube in your hand. This week, our teeth brushing is sponsored by... Selling out in death. Just don't let Robin in, because I think that could be quite traumatising for the poor babe.

I'll put a towel over you when he comes in. I'll just put a towel over you. Don't touch the towel rail. What happened? Why have we gone this way? Oh, I don't know, man. The world's gone mad. Now. Oh, my beef with you.

Here we go. My beef with you this week is... It's been going on for a while. I'll let you stop that I'm sorry I was thinking about us holding a different toothbrush

some weeks what I'll do is I'll put like some weeks I'll put a little bit of dental floss in each of your hands and then I'll have to like jam it in one of the gaps in your teeth

and you'll be like and I'll put little clothes pegs on it and hang stuff on it okay you'll have to put my favourite jammies on and I'll put little clothes pegs on it and hang stuff on it. Okay. You're not putting my favourite jammies on. Right, go on.

My beef with you this week and I think, I don't know if I've done this beef before. I don't think I have. It seems to be something I'm noticing a lot more now because I'm home more. Okay. Even if I have done it before,

I've got extra stuff to add to it so don't you bloody worry. Right? I cannot wait. You have constantly even if I have done it before I've got extra stuff to add to it so don't you bloody worry right can it wait you have constantly round the house got headphones in

yeah constantly yeah non-stop yeah if you're cooking you've got them in if you're just at the other side

of the room from me you've got headphones in in the garden headphones in I can't have a I can't have a random conversation with you anymore I can't speak to you.

I can't do it. You've answered your own question. Listen, no, listen. I'm a needy guy. I'm spontaneous. Now and then I might like to try a little bit of comedy on you. I might like to just have a little conversation. Or I might, heaven forbid, want to know your opinion on something.

Me wife, eh? And it's, what, what? Oh, hold on. And then you act like, taking that one AirPod out, you act like I've made you remove a limb right and you take that out and you go

what and I say something and you go and you hardly listen so you put your headphone back in and I'm sick of it right and then

the second part of this beef is right when I'm on my phone when I'm trying to chill normally before bed I sit on my phone and I just have a little

sort of chill little wind down time you just talk at us non-stop, right? Airing your grievances about something, whinging on about something else. And the other day we're lying in bed, right? And you genuinely did this. We're lying in bed and I was on my phone and you went,

you're chatting away. And I'm just chilling, man. Look at my phone, man. We've chatted like all day and you're like, you hate talking to me, don't you? Put your phone down and just talk. I want you to just talk to us. And I turned and I got you to admit it. I said, do you, in a perfect world, would you like down and just talk i want you to just talk to us and i turned and i got you to admit it i said do you in a perfect world would you like me to just talk and talk and talk until you drifted off to sleep and you went yes i would i would like you to just talk at us until i fall asleep that would be nice you selfish prick only about good things though

oh see i've got none at the minute i sorry. I've got nothing good to talk about. Oh, listen. The whole, the ape, like, with me headphones in, it's just worse at the minute because I just need to drown out my own thoughts. And you. Unfortunately.

I've got to feel there's a lot more truth in the second part of that statement. Are you not sick of us, though? Never. Love you. Not sick of you at all. I didn't say that one coming, did you?

Now you know what it's like when I'm on stage and someone heckles a compliment. It's weird, isn't it? Love you, Chris. Oh, shut up. It's weird. Say I'm shite.

I don't know how to take that. It's very strange. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's very strange. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. I know the story. I know the story. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

It's time for questions from the public. The cues from the pews and the moos and the loos and the twos and the woos and the choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. That's lovely. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it is shagmardinoid at gmail.com. Eternally grateful we are for all of the things you send. It's impossible to get through everything.

Thank you so much. Please just send stories and different things. We've got a few little updates this week. I've seen some lovely things that have come through. It's episode 69. A lot of people emailing in thought it was going to be a 69 special. Well, you did dangle that carrot. I was joking.

But I did, guys. I did write in. I did search in our emails. I searched 69. I must have read 20 stories. I'm going to tell you right now, all of them, accidental shit. That's nearly all of them are stuff like that oh my word don't i don't know who's 69 and i don't oh one of them one of the emails was just because i said it's not something

or whatever it's not something i'd really be up for one of them was just a really well written email essentially advertising and bigging up 69 and to me and you just going you should really consider it it's this it's that and I was like who the fuck is this I haven't got time

it's not that I'm against them we'll get onto that right because I've got there's a so are we doing a bit of a 69

section no well right I read a few as I say some of them were one of them was someone had anal beads

in her boyfriend's bum while they were doing it and they came out and like watery stuff went on her. There's loads of awful ones like that. I was just like, no, no, no, no, no. But this particular one is wonderful.

I had that email about someone saying that their 84-year-old grander hosts the, I mentioned it in the intro, 84-year-old grander or 85 hosts the bingo at the local club and says, every time at 6ix9ine, says meal for two with a view, and he's 80 odd.

Good for him. Ledge, well done you. But this one tickled me. I love this. Here you are. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. Hope you're staying well and sane.

Me? Yes. Rosie, not so much today. No. I would like to throw my story into the ring to see if it is of interest to you. Please keep me anonymous on behalf of my wife who listens to the show. I'm going to tell you right now, she's going to know you've written in because it's a very specific you. Please keep me anonymous on behalf of my wife who listens to the show. I'm going to tell you right now

she's going to know you've written in because it's a very specific story but there we go. Does it involve her? Yeah, it's half her. She's the nine other six. I love it when they do that.

She's the nine other six. Oh, right. So it is about a six minute. Okay, wonderful. It was a fairly drunken evening in with my wife and we decided to get busy, take things upstairs

and go heels to jesus as it were now i had no idea what the phrase heels to jesus it means going off sex heels to jesus never heard it had to google it um when i googled it uh urban dictionary definition came of it and it said uh it's a polite way to describe vaginal penetration via the penis that's how they wrote it wonderful which was another really nice way to describe vaginal penetration via the penis. That's how they wrote it. Wonderful. Which was another really nice way to say it.

Nice, yeah. I'll use that. Things were happening and after a little preamble, we found ourselves in a traditional 69. Happy days. Me and my back facing north and my wife on top facing south. I like that they've got a compass involved. Traditional?

I don't know. I don't know what he means by this. But anyway. It must have been during the winter months because most of my wife was covered in a duvet. She was fairly well insulated. All I had was the sight of her backside looking like a sexy Wilson from Castaway. I don't know how that's... Weird. How's that? What, the volleyball with shit hanging out in a big red handprint? Ah, big red handprint. Brilliant.

Everything was great. Good, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Not very long into this encounter, I happened to notice something not quite right in the bed. Just a feeling, nothing I could put my finger on, so to speak. I looked to my right and to my horror, saw our four-year-old daughter

lying awake in the bed next to us. No. Yes! Why? Was she there? She was on my wife's side of the bed having pulled the duvet up to her chin and was wearing an almost smug-like cheeky grin

that I put down to her happiness at having snuck into our bedroom unnoticed by us. That's horrible. I went slightly cold and exclaimed my daughter's name in surprise. Then I had to tap my wife on the bum a couple of times

to try and get her attention. She evidently could hear absolutely bugger all and was just carrying on. Under the quilt. She was just carrying on. Oh, can it! The sight of a very panicked, hot, sweaty, and highly embarrassed wife

shepherding our daughter back to her own bed whilst I was pissing myself laughing was an image that will never leave me. Luckily, I think that our daughter was too young to be in any way scarred by this experience. But I don't know if I can say the same for my wife. So I've read so many stories of just disgust and bodily functions during these 69s. So that one just absolutely took us by surprise. I loved it. Honestly, kids ruin everything.

Tossers! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Christopher has done the questions again this week, which is lovely. You love it, don't you? A little day off. I really do like it. It's nice to be on the other side, though. It is nice.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. do like it it's it's no it's nice to be on the other side though it is nice hi chris and rosie hi i was listening to rosie's story about her pet hamster that ate its babies brackets episode 65 thank you for that go back and listen if you haven't um and uh and it reminded me of a story that i thought i'd share with you guys when i was a child my younger brother got given an ant farm as a birthday present brackets i don't know whether it's common knowledge, but you have to send off for an order of ants to live in said farm. Right. I didn't know that.

In the post? Yeah, they arrived in the post a few weeks later and all was well. Really weird. How many ants? Well, an ant farm, it's a colony, isn't it? You get a colony, so you get to put it into your ant farm. But, I mean, my first thing was,

what if something happens to that in the post? Imagine getting a Christmas card with a shitload of ants on it. Oh, imagine some of the stuff that goes on in the post. Yeah. Honestly. Terrifying. It's awful, that.

They could just come here on a hot day with, you know, we've got loads of them. Oh, right. I thought you meant, right, yeah. I thought you meant they'll come with ants on a hot day. I was like, why a hot day? Yeah, they just keep, I don't know how they keep ending up in our dining room. I'm sick of them. I know.

God, I can't even get into it. One day, I decided it would be a nice surprise for my brother if I bulked up his brood. So I headed off into the garden in search of some new ant friends. I only found one when my attention span got the better of me. So I went into the shed, unscrewed the lid, and placed the ant in his new home and headed back inside. Is it a wild ant?

Yeah. Oh, no. A few days days later i didn't see this coming a few days later my mom went out to find one lonesome ant remaining in the farm that was the day i discovered the world is a cruel place it turns out you shouldn't mix random ants in with your colony my aunt i had found found had entered its new pad and massacred all the other residents. Kill them all. A full colony. No. So she got in her garden somehow like the fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger of ants. Yeah. Like the

Terminator. Like you know in Kill Bill that story where he's talking Bill's talking about the ninja who the monk who gets a nod. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the monk doesn't return his nod and he goes to the temple

and he slaughters everyone. That's the main thing I thought of there. Pai Mei, the slaughter and the Shaolin monks. It's gone in and it's went fucking nuts. That's so interesting. Oh, then put on a little lant. They were just, you know, little doctor ants.

I still feel a strong sense of guilt to this day. Are you sure it was your fault? Knowing I caused a mass murder to take place and my brother likes to remind me of it regularly. Brackets, he knows how to hold a grudge. Excellent. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous.

Will do. Favourites. I have listened to a few of your lockdown breakup stories, and whilst this one happened before lockdown, the situation certainly hasn't helped. Just before Christmas, my dad was acting really weird, spending time out in the kitchen on his phone, not really talking to any of us,

and me and my mum weren't sure what was going on. One day, I walked into the kitchen and he quickly closed something on his phone needless to say this piqued my interest brackets as a woman and a nosy one at that you can imagine what was going through my head my dad isn't the best at technology and always got me to send emails for him so i had his email password after a chat with the girls we all decided it was a good idea for me to log in and have a look. Well what I found was a bit shocking to say the least. As I'm sure you have guessed they were messages from other

women. Not just other women, Russian women. Russian women he had been paying to speak to. Now I know I am biased but my mum is an absolute saint and my best friend. She is honestly the best person you will ever meet so why he's felt the need to do this is beyond me so i had to have the if you don't tell her i will chat and he told her that evening brackets accidentally thinking i already had but still how much did he spend on it i hear you ask oh how much did he spend well take a guess in the six months he had been doing it until i found out he had spent 25 no not 25 pound not 2500 25 000 pound shut up 25 000 pound just a chat on On sex chat. £25,000. £25,000. Oh my word.

Pound. Oh no. Here's the worst bit. Anyway, obviously they split up and he eventually moved into the spare room whilst we tried to sell the house, which we now can't sell because no one can come round. As I'm sure you can imagine, tension in the house has been a bit high. So I've been doing a lot of walking to get me out

and your podcasts have been the highlight of my day. So thank you. Hey, you are fucking welcome, mate. Oh my word. You are welcome. Wow. Wow. This is why I want daughters.

What, so you've got someone to grasp me up when I spend 25 grand on the sex life? I'll be like, how much have you spent? We'll be together. We're witches when we're called. I love that. You just want like, how much have you spent? We'll be together. We're witches, Ron. We're called witches. I love that. You just want a daughter to gang up on me when I do stuff wrong.

You are a real piece of shit, you know that? I have, but you know what? Because I already know at the minute, if it ever came to a custody battle, Robin would pick you. I'd be absolutely devastated. I've got the Nintendo Switch. He would.

He actually would. It would be one of them things where we'd have to have a separate conversation. I'd be like, look, Chris, I know that he wants to live with you, but he has to live with me. And he'd just be, every day he would be gutted. So that's why I need a little girl.

But then she'd probably bloody not want to live with you then. Again, when you married someone this goddamn cool, you knew this was going to happen. You knew it. Doesn't he at the minute? Doesn't Robin, when we're, so if me and him are sitting watching the telly,

you go, Daddy, come and watch the telly with me and I'll sit with him. And he shouts over to you to ask him, ask to make him food. Oh, that's all I do. Yeah.

Yeah. He's honest. I literally set the idea. I went, I'm sitting, I went, ask me. He's like, no, you're watching telly with us. He just wants you to wait

on my hand and foot, which I'm well up for. That's all I do. Well up for that. Listen, let's digest this a little bit just really quickly so i don't understand sex lines that much right what so was there no pictures or anything or videos was it just on just conversation must be chat it must be just raunchy chat from a real person how many times has he been ringing for 25 how are you well it was chat it's online chat in it so it's not even a it's not even a i don't know how the work i mean i know how them ones on the telly work your phone up and they slap theirself in the

arse with the phone or whatever they do i don't know it's definitely not my thing you know i'll give that a wipe afterwards love but I don't know I know lines like a sex line if they're still about not the telly ones would charge you by the minute or whatever

but I don't know what these things are I don't know if you sign up I don't know your pay per message maybe I just maybe your pay per message I find them really sad

because yeah they're really hard them women on the other end of the phone don't give a jot about anyone that rings them it'll be messaging loads of different people give a jot well it'll be it'll not be the same woman it'll be messaging loads of different people it'll just be it'll be like a you know like almost like a call center job wow do you know what i mean yeah do you know a mate of mine

used to work for a couple of people i know used to work for that aqa remember any question answered you would just text it and it would just answer oh yeah yeah a couple of people used to work for that so they would just log on they would sit at their computer computer and they would log on. And so they'd be on for four hours or whatever and they'd just get stuff sent and they'd just reply really quick. So it'd be like that kind of thing. Wow.

Yeah. 25 grand. Tell you what. Bit of work on the side after all this. I'd be up for that. Tempted. I can write filth when I want to.

Can you do a Russian accent? Probably write one. Oh, you want to write this stuff? It's just a writing one, yeah. Huh? It was just messages. Like writing messages. Can you do a Russian accent? I could probably write one. Oh, you want to write this stuff? It's just a writing one, yeah. Huh? It was just messages, like writing messages. Well, so you didn't even talk to them?

Well, to be fair, yeah, the fact that they were Russian made no difference whatsoever. So it was just 25 grand in text? Yeah, in text messages on his phone. They've not got iPhones? No. Free? Can I have a Wi-Fi call, love? It's just flattening me out. This is ridiculous.

Fucking hell, man. Honestly, I've got bones in my arse here. Bloody hell. I've got WhatsApp. free can I have a wife I'll call love it's just flattening me out this is ridiculous I'm in hell man honestly I've got bones in my arse here bloody hell I've got whatsapp babadoo babadoo babadoo so someone sent us this in it's a link to a BBC article

right which I'm glad they've done it because it backs up their story right that I know it's true because it's on the BBC world news hi Rosie and Chris

hope you're alright in lockdown and haven't actually killed each other yet well nearly there I'm an avid listener of the podcast I have been since day one the link below got shared with a group Hi Rosie and Chris, hope you're alright in lockdown and haven't actually killed each other yet. Well, nearly there. I'm an avid listener of the podcast and I have been since day one. The link below got shared with a group of my friends and I knew it would be perfect for the podcast. Mainly to hear Chris shout, what's wrong with people, they should all be locked up.

Right, okay, so I clicked on the link. Men hired for sexual fantasy break into wrong house. Sorry, what? fantasy breaking a wrong house sorry what in a sex fantasy gone wrong two men with machetes entered the wrong house in new south wales australia before quickly realizing their error one of them has now been acquitted of entering a home armed with a weapon in july 2019 australia media reports they had been hired to carry out a client's fantasy of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom. The judge concluded that the facts of the case are unusual. The role play was arranged over Facebook by a man near Griffith in New South Wales who provided his address to the hired pay.

He was willing to pay $5,000 if it was really good. However however the client moved to another address 30 mile away without updating the two men i'm getting off they entered the home uh on the original street of the original address uh so so they so they didn't well no of course they wouldn't double check because then that would be terrible because that money that's not part part of his thing was he just didn't want to know at all come in as if you're like breaking in tie us up

make it get real and stroke us with a broom which is the weirdest bit and I don't know why it's the weirdest bit I'm not being there was no need for the machetes

well I think right so they go on to say it's a very large knife the resident noticed a light on in his kitchen at 6.15am and he assumed it was a friend who came by daily to make the morning coffee okay fair enough uh when the men called

out the name of their client the resident turned the light on and removed a sleep apnea mask he was wearing fucking poor sod it was then that he saw them standing above his bed with machetes which they appeared to have brought as props for the role play. Wow. So they just went, well, he wants it really good. We want to get that five grand. Let's take a couple

of machetes as well. Yeah, really, you know, have you ever? Right, okay. There's more.

When they realised their error, one of the pair said, sorry mate, and shook the resident's hand. So Australian. Sorry mate. Sorry mate, wrong ass. shook the resident's hand. So Australian. Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Wrong ass.

That's not a knife. Right. The two, sorry. The two men then drove to the correct address where the client noticed one of the men had a great big knife in his trousers and asked them to leave the weapons in the car. So even the bloke who'd asked for the knife

said, no, that's too much. Too much. Leave them in the car, lads. Come on. But then still do it. Get the broom. What? I'm going to say it. What's wrong with people? They should be locked up. My thing is, right, it's all well and good. I mean, do whatever you want as long as, you know, you're not hurting anybody.

But if that was me personally and i'd set up something like that every night you'd just go to bed being like is it gonna be the night yeah it'd be such an effort you couldn't you'd have to be showered you'd have to be like ready and and i don't know like you couldn't have too much for tea yeah you couldn't be pissed yeah yeah so you'd have to be alert every night like for a month it would It would be like a much worse version of, you know, when you order a takeaway and you put the phone down without asking them how long it'll be.

Yeah. And you go, oh, fuck it. How long's this going to be? Can I have a bath? Yeah. Have I got time to... Is Robin going to go to bed on time? Do I start watching?

Yeah. Didn't say... Normally they say 45 minutes to an hour, but you just ask them and you know that... Oh, fuck. Maybe 10 minutes. Sick. They're not busy.

I'll leave my best broom out. what if they don't bring a broom why do you want to be stroked with a broom I don't know people are weird Rosie I know they're so weird so there wasn't even any sex

involved in that nah not from what I can tell stroked with a broom I mean I'd have done that for five grand yeah I'm a good actress

do you know what I mean I wouldn't have took a knife, but I'd have got to have done that. Well, again. How long are they going to be there? Look. Because if it's not long, that is value.

Five grand. We've got to split it. Two and a half grand for bringing it to someone's house. For one night's work? Aye, but it's backfired. They're bloody in the papers now, the poor sods.

They got arrested. Absolutely. He's damaged their reputation. Imagine moving house. Imagine. Right, if I bleeding the papers now, the poor sods. They got arrested. No, he's absolutely... He's damaged their reputation. Imagine moving house. Imagine. Right, if I swap the utilities over. You've got the water over here. Right.

Oh, did you get them boxes out the loft? Oh, you good, aye? Yeah. Did you tell those blokes who are going to break in and molest us with a broom? Did you tell them? You're joking. Oh, fuck.

I've deleted my Facebook. Right, where's their number? Where's their number? Shit. Shit. Like, that would be the first thing you'd change, wouldn't it? Immediately, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He's got too much money, that guy.

More money, more problems. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Like many others, I have been meaning to email in with this for a story for a long time. I've been hearing the pizza scale stories and remembered this beauty. I'm a police officer, so please keep me anonymous,

and I have been for around five years, so obviously I've seen all kinds of absolutely crazy stuff. Now, in the area that I work, there's one woman who you can guarantee is either in prison or committing a crime at some point. She is known to the police. Okay. On one occasion, she had been arrested and taken to custody and searched before being put in her cell with all of

her belongings taken off her. The next minute, we saw that she was in her cell eating a slice of pizza. Now I'll leave it up to you to figure out where the pizza had been hiding. Then she wrote, Just to clarify, it was up her fanny. Thanks. Thanks, detective.

Just love that, just love that. Yeah, that's a sloppy thing to put in there. I mean, or maybe it was cold, you had pizza the next morning, really, because it's like a slab, like a bit of toast. What kind of pizza was it? I mean, she hasn't put it, and do you want us to email her back and ask?

Did it have toppings? On the pizza scale, where did it come? I don't want to be really disgusting to you, but it can't be a spicy one. Well, that's what I would hope. Definitely not. Honestly, don't want spice in there. I mean, you don't want anything food-wise in there, do you?

No, no. Surely. Personally not, but if she knows how prison works, she you? No, no. Surely. Personally not, but... If she knows... If she knows how prison works... Yeah? She's been there, clearly, a few times. I mean, she... No, but what she's thinking is, you know what? Right, she's called Brenda.

She's thinking, Brenda, listen, last time you were in that cell, you were fucking starving. So this time, make sure you take a snack. But take all your clothes off you, or we'll stick it up your vag. Right, okay, alright. Can I just interrupt all of this with

the next minute she was in her cell eating pizza. I mean, she could have waited a bit. She's going to be there all night. She's clamming. Straight away. Well, she's probably just thinking, I better get this out of here. Right, yeah.

Or this bite. And then once you've seen it, that's the thing. Once you've opened the pizza box, you can't just leave it. Do you know what I mean? I wasn't calling a vagina a pizza box, but do you know what I mean? Well, I don't know what you mean.

Well, once you've seen it, you've got it out. You're not going to put it on the side of the floor and go, I'll leave that for later. You think, I'll just eat that now. I've just thought about like, what it would be covered in. Oh, stop it.

Because I know, but just five minutes ago, I was just thinking about a bit of pizza. I was just eating a bit, but now I'm thinking. It might have been in a little plastic bag or something I hope it was

I mean I guarantee it wasn't but you know you keep thinking that I really hope it was just a little sandwich bag or something because that's

oh Brenda what are you thinking babadoo babadoo babadoo got a very formal start to an email here hello Rosie Ramsey and Chris Ramsey

hello hi I have got a very quick question to an email here. Hello Rosie Ramsey and Chris Ramsey. Hello. Hi. I have got a very quick question for the podcast. Would you rather be completely bald or covered from head to toe with hair? So we're talking swimmer level bald. We're talking nothing. We're talking

no eyebrows, no anything. No body hair anyway. You're smooth. You're a dolphin. That's what I would want to be. Right. Or hair all over you. Because of it. Yeah. I'd much rather be bald all over streamlined bald all over everywhere like a thumb yeah yeah honestly got you get rid of it all got you why would you want to have loads of hair everywhere actually you have more choice i think you'd have more hair everywhere i think you'd be warm i would definitely go for hair from head to toe. 100%. Would you? Well yeah because you could on occasion

bick, you know bick razor really close, shave everywhere. I don't think that was part of the thing. No no well she hasn't said it. She hasn't said it so. So well you just, I could put a wig on. Well yeah you could. And I could stick hair all over us. I could, the hair you cut off I could stick on me. Right. I didn't

think of putting a wig on. I want to change my answer. No you can't. No because my immediate one was i'll shave everywhere apart from the top of my head no but no no no yeah because i just thought how really hard it would be hard to shave your eyelids yeah you're spiky no no no i've changed my answer to that you can't sorry no no i had my fingers crossed you are not allowed to change the rules oh god damn it you are hairy forever god i thought i was hot when I woke up from that sleep with Eddie. I'm going to be gutted after this. I'm going to be sweating like a little

derk. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I was listening to episode 67, right? Yeah, got some backdated stuff here. And when I got to the part about the good-looking pizza scale, I thought I would have to tell you my own scale. So this is the third scale we're having now listen it's not pizza it's not pizza listen it's fine it makes a lot more sense right this is an ice cream scale

the ice cream scale rates to different flavors to describe a varied sex life. This was all based around how people say that they are vanilla in the bedroom department. So this person made up with her friends from uni. I skipped that bit there. Sorry this isn't a poo story, but I think it's definitely better than the pizza scale. Okay then. So this is a scale she uses with her mates.

I don't know where it comes in to discussion. I don't know where it comes in anyway. Right? So this is her scale going from vanilla all the way up. Her life Discussion I don't know where it comes in anyway Right So This is her scale Going from vanilla All the way up This is

This is what blew my mind here right Vanilla is Four to six sexual positions Who's got time for that That's not vanilla That's not vanilla So we've already Thank you

You're interested now you tosser Four to six Four to six Who's got time for this? Oh, my God. What are we? Beers? Rosie, I think we're frozen yoghurt.

We're so be made. We are. We are lime so be. Ice cubes. Slush puppy, no flavour. Oh, my God. That's awesome. Oh my God. Right.

Snow cone. Four to six. That's ridiculous. Four to six. Okay, so what's next? I mean, it goes crazy, right? Four to six sexual positions. It's vanilla.

Six to eight positions and hand stuff. Strawberry. Okay. Right. Eight plus positions And hand stuff Strawberry Okay Right Eight plus positions And hand and mouth stuff Chocolate Eight plus positions

I'm sorry That's a porno It is What's the point? That's crazy How much time Are you dedicating To sex?

Mad Eight plus positions Mad And hand and mouth stuff And hand and mouth Sorry Chocolate My back hurts Thinking about it Are you dedicating to sex? Mad. Eight plus positions? Mad. Hand-hand and mouth stuff? Hand-hand and mouth. Oh, sorry. Chocolate. My back hurts thinking about it.

Tying up handcuffs and rope? Mint chocolate chip. Okay, I get that. Biting, scratching, choking, roleplay, kink dice? Cookie dough. I quite like cookie dough. Well, according to this you don't. It's very exotic though.

Well, it's chunky though, isn't it? There's bits in it. Toys such as dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, salted caramel. Yeah, okay. Paddles, nipple clamps. Half and half. Half and half?

I don't know. Like Neapolitan? Well, no, like two scoops of different flavours. This is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I panicked. I think that's what it is. I might be wrong. Completely chained up,

hung from the ceiling, rum and raisin. Oh, yeah. Because you've got to be pissed for that shit. Oh, my word. Oh, God. This is the worst one.

All right, okay. Poo and pee play. Bubblegum. No. Do not sully the good name of bubblegum ice cream with this. There's another one.

It's going to be Nickabocka Glory. No. What is it? Blood Play Chili. What's Blood Play? I don't know. I don't want to know. What's wrong with everyone?

What's wrong with everyone? These were at university. I mean, these are educated people, Rosie. The youth of today. Honestly. I'm sorry, girls. Listen, at university. I mean, these are educated people, Rosie. The youth of today. Honestly. I'm sorry, girls, listen,

I don't know yous, but if you think that four to six positions is vanilla, you just want your head looked at. I blame porn. I'm telling you again,

I blame porn. This generation, four to six positions. Four to six, Chris. No. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. Do you know what I mean?

I don't know if it means in one sitting or it means overall. Well, it clearly does. No, it means... Crazy. If it means overall in your whole life, then that's fair enough. But in one... I think that means in one session. And I think that goes for...

I think you have to add all of the other ones up to get the final ones. Do you know what I mean? I know the fuck's eating chilli ice cream. Ugh, weirdos. Ugh. Ugh. I would, I'm quite happy being a little sugar, no, what is it? Little snow cone.

Oh man, on reading all that, Rosie, I think we're a glass of water. How do you get a good rhythm it must be like a game of it must be like a game of Twister I'd just be like oh my god

it must be like musical statues in the music stops and he goes and then you and then you long throbby

and awful when you watch films don't ever say throbby and awful when you watch films don't ever say throbby again no but when you watch films and stuff and they're like oh my god we were having sex

for like an hour and a half I just think ugh horrible go away an hour and a half having sex honestly

oh god give us the caniston I'll see you in a fortnight. Absolutely not. No. Hour and a half. I'd rather have a bath.

I'd rather have a bath. Horrible. Don't be fooled. Don't be fooled, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know whether it's just people think that that's that long sex sessions are good

but they're not they're not it's not all it's cracked up to be no once you've both ah but you know

once you've both sorted stop it stop crikey read a nice book hey you've not got the internet eh get it hey I tell you what Stop it. Stop. Crikey. Read a nice book. Hey, you've not got the internet. Huh?

Get it? Hey, I tell you what. From me to you. Get yourself a mountain bike. Get yourself a mountain bike and a sports bottle. See you later. Thank us later. Fuck it.

Probably not hurt your arse as much. Hi, Chris and Rosie. short and sweet email here i'm just listening to episode 68 while cleaning the floors and i had to email when i was 16 years old i went to the fair and won a goldfish said goldfish is now 10 years old this july and still lives at my mom's house it's been through this goldfish has had a better life a more varied life a more traumatic and eventful life than anyone i know it's been through six fish tank upgrades and had mouth to mouth from my mom twice thanks for the public service announcement but you're 10 years too late god save the goldfish kiss why is she giving the fish mouth to mouth that is so many questions awful so many questions hey she saved its life it worked twice twice no you wouldn't

you wouldn't i love the fact that the first time she needed to give the fish mouth the mouth she was probably like oh god look i'm just gonna try this this is ridiculous i'm so sorry oh my god it worked the second time she was like stand back everyone I know goldfish CPR! How small is her mouth? She might have used a straw. Oh, Nat. Imagine the goldfish would be like, let me die, woman! But they don't breathe through their mouth,

so surely it was... They breathe through their gills! Like, yeah, surely she was basically giving it more of what it was dying from. That's like throwing a bucket of water at someone who's drowning. Do you think she's just put the whole fish in her mouth and went mouth to mouth can you give a goldfish mouth to mouth have fun googling that everyone because

i'm not gonna but you can so grim so we've got a special question this week from a good friend of mine stand-up comedian sc Bennett and his wife Gemma. They are basically doing, since all of this started, you might have seen Scott on the news when the whole lockdown started because he started doing stand-up from his shed.

Oh, he was on the news. He was on Sky News. Yeah, I was buzzing when I came in and saw him on it. So he started doing stand-up from his shed. Now Gemma's involved as well because they've both done

different comedy stuff together and sketches and things in the past. So they do like a proper From the Shed show at 8.15pm Thursday nights. You're live streaming on facebook.com slash Scotty B Comedy or just search Scott Bennett Comedian on Google or whatever.

It's there. You'll find it. So they've sent a question for us. Hi Chris and Rosie. Scott and Gemma here. Sending this all the way from the shed and our question to you is would you rather use your partner's toothbrush for six months

use the same towel for six months or not change the bed for six months oh oh that's good I definitely I'm going to rule out the bed one immediately. Because if you've had fake tan on the go, it would literally be like sleeping in some kind of leather wallet by the end.

Oh, that's a good way to put it. A brown old man's leather wallet. I sometimes worry about us because ours gets whiffy after a week. Our bed? Yeah, honestly, it does. And then withbing in as well it's just like Rosie it'll be all

them hour and a half sexual sessions we're having get in bloody dripping off us 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 right so you couldn't see

what she was doing there guys but she was changing her body as if it was different positions I got that that was sexual positions it was like she was

doing the robot it was really weird thank you yeah so she went into a different pose every time she did it but it was just with her arms but it was different positions i got that that was sexual positions it was like she was doing the robot it was really weird thank you yeah so she went into a different pose every time she did it but it was just without arms but it was sexual positions and hey well done thank you very well done don't clap yourself bit weird um definitely not the bed one would so would you rather use your partner's toothbrush for six months i've already made my decision right same towel i'm going with the towel you know it's both of us that's the towel. No, that's both of us. That's not you using the same... That's both of us using the same towel for six months. Well, I'm only doing that because...

Really? Well, what you've got to think, right? You start brushing your teeth when your teeth are a bit rank at the end of the day. Right. Okay? So it has a bit of rankness. At least when you're getting out of the shower.

I mean, I'd rather not, but at least you're clean. Right. And washing yourself. I've often wondered how towels get dirty. Yeah. I don't wondered how towels get dirty. Yeah. I don't understand how towels get dirty. Because you're clean.

Is it not just like the water and the foist and stuff? Bits of dead skin and stuff. Bits of dead... Oh, no. Hairs. Ear wax, you know, when you dry it. Oh, that's you, because you... There'll be yellow spotty towel by the end of them six months.

Wipe your ears on it like a rabbit. It'll be fucking easier. It's horrible. That's probably one of me beefs. I hate watching you do that. When I dry my ears? It's like when a rabbit does that on the ground. Have you ever seen a rabbit?

Oh, when it scratches its back ear or a dog. You do that with the corner of the towel. Oh, I might change my answer. No, no, no. You've got a towel for six months now, dickhead. That's your thing. That's you. That no. You've got a tail for six months now, dickhead. That's your thing. That's you. That's what you've got.

The toothbrush one doesn't freak us out as much, but I know it really upsets people, the idea of that. Did you see that video that went viral of the cat just chewing its own ass toothbrush? Yes. Another reason why I'm not getting any animals. See, that's the thing for me, right? I know that you can talk about the difference between cats and dogs until the cows come home,

but cats have the run of your house. Dogs will stay where they're supposed to be, on the floor, whatever. Normally, maybe they'll jump up on the sofa. Cats are in your fucking cupboards, licking your foot. If you've got your, like, your, your, um, whisks and your sort of spatulas and that

in one of them jugs on your bench, they're up there, they're all over that. Oh, yeah, scratching their ass on it. whisks and your sort of spatulas and that in one of them jugs on your bench they're up there so just to let you know a little bit more about this an owner caught their cat basically like gnawing away and licking the electric toothbrush and the quote was very much how often does this happen because you know it looked quite experienced and skilled in the whole licking of the toothbrush and i just thought so i would share a toothbrush with you but not with that cat yeah is my answer okay same we've shared them before when i remember when sometimes you were on tour and i used to rock up and not have a toothbrush oh yeah oh no no can i just say yeah you're always

absolutely fine with using mine when i want to use yours it's a toothbrush oh yeah yeah oh no no can I just say yeah you're always absolutely fine with using mine when I want to use yours it's a different story yes yeah yeah great great it's great great see what I live with so thank you Scott and

Gemma for that you can watch Scott's Scott and Gemma's live comedy from the shed every Thursday night at 8 15 just look for a Scott Bennett comedy on Google cheers

it's the end of another show. Thank you once again so much for listening to this week's Shagmire Denied, which is now part of the ACAST Creator Network. Yes, guys, thank you very much and as always, if you want to get in touch, shagmiredenied at gmail.com. The book's out soon. All of that stuff. God, we've still got so many of them to sign.

Still available pre-order, not the signed copies. We're still up for a podcast award, but has anyone been voting? I bloody hope you have. You can vote. I bloody hope you have. Hey, it's not like you've got anything else to do. Is it?

Eh? Yeah. Shall I get the address? They'll find it, man. Just Google it. If you can't find it, don't vote. We don't care. The British Podcast Awards.

Ah, something like that. Listeners' choice. Ah, yeah. Cheers. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye..-W-D-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks

at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.