Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 70. Seventy several

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

This week on the podcast there is a log update, Chris's new coffee invention and the rules of the SMA drinking game are revealed! QFTP's include a clapping complaint, an unusual Doctors appointment and a DNA dilemma. Also this week, friend of the show Carl Hutchinson gets in touch with a question for the couple. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and him, Chris Ramsey. Him! Him on Father's Day of all days.

Oh, no! Don't tell them that we're recording this on Father's Day. We are. We're recording this on Father's Day because, you know, Father's Day is a load of bollocks and I've got to work. It was on Mother's Day and she sat on her arse all day and didn't know. That's absolute lies. Probably.

Yeah, it's because I'm in London all week doing the one show. So we're doing it on Father's Day. Leaving us. So a belated happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. But let's be honest, it's a load of crap anyway.

Guys, it's episode 70 as always. Thank you so much for listening, subscribing and rating and all of that stuff. Now, without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative sponsor. Now, this week's sponsor, very exciting.

Very, so exciting. Oh, God, can it wait? So excited that these guys guys got in touch we're on a massive rebrand here massive rebrand so this this this product got in touch um sort of like remember when national lottery changed a lot oh do you know what i mean so this is like a cool rebrand that this this product's after right um i hope this isn't a real thing that's gonna actually offend the company that no no you know so a lot of, last night we changed a lot, Southern Comfort changed to SoCo, although if you ever say that,

you should be kicked out of a bar immediately. I don't remember. Oh, the drink. Yeah. Why did I think you meant like a detergent brand? Anyway. Southern Comfort.

I thought you meant like comfort, but I was like SoCo. Oh, right. No, no. Anyway, yeah, that was a horrific advert. Yeah.

I don't think anyone ever said, have a SoCo lemonade. What? Southern Comfort. Oh, okay. That's probably how that went every single time. But this one, coming in from the top here. You've seen it.

You've heard about it. It's brand new. It's renamed. Hey, this week's sponsor is... Your unprofessionalism. Guess who it was. Who? Not Carl.

Yeah, it was Carl. My lord. This week's sponsor is hot bread. Hey. Do you like bread? Do you like hot stuff? Heat that bread up.

Hot bread. This is tragic. I can't believe we've had 70 of these. Hot bread. Terrible, isn't it? Scrape in the barrel. Hot bread. Hey.

Warm that bread up. Melt some butter on it. Hot bread. Hey, warm that bread up. Melt some butter on it. Hot bread. I do like hot bread rather than cold bread. Want some beans on that hot bread? Get some beans on that. Hot bread? Beans on hot bread?

Hot bread. Do you mean toast? Well, it used to be called toast. Now it's called hot bread. No. Christopher. You got in touch. No, I thought you meant out the oven hot.

Not toasted in a toaster, you moron. Well, yeah, well, that's what uncool people used to call it. Now it's called hot bread. No. Hey, can I have a full English breakfast? Of course you can.

Do you want any hot bread with that? Yes, please. Two slices of hot bread. Hot bread. No, no, no. This is horrific. Everybody's talking about the hot bread. I knew you'd still join in.

I knew you'd still join in. You know I love that song you know I can't say no to that song hot bread right okay here's the jingle shut your face

it's not hot bread it's called toast hot bread toast is a lovely word back in my day we called it toast not anymore grandad we call it hot bread

sound of someone leaving on a skateboard it's the jingle how do you live with yourself with this shit it's all the hot bread I eat we had a fight about the jingle. How do you live with yourself with this shit? It's all the hot bread I eat. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid. We're very happy to have you back. You can sit down, you can walk, you can clean your bath, you can do whatever you're doing.

Clean your bath. A lot of people clean while listening to this. Okay, that's good. If you're cleaning right now, listen. Well done. You've got that shit under control. Well done. You know what I mean?

Cleaning up. up cleaning it all up proud of you leave your troubles at the door we're here to erase you of your problems and your woes erase you of your problems

for an hour you should have pre-written this because this just erase you of your problems is that not right I just want to be erased of my problems

I mean I would personally love that doctor doctor I want to be erased of my problems ok sorry you're not speaking English Doctor Doctor

I feel like a pair of curtains No don't say it Don't say it No get out We are top comedy podcast In the UK regularly And you've just said you Call yourself a comedian Oh god Don't know a good job when it hits you in the UK regularly and you've just said you shut up call yourself a comedian

oh god don't know a good job when it hits you in the a job joke me and my lad me and my lad Carl Hutchinson

were discussing this the other day and I walked up and did it for a laugh and he got really sad so this is going to be a new thing whenever I see a comedian

you know when I see people again my new thing as a comic the worst thing is people telling you jokes it's the worst thing it really is what do you general joe public just someone told me tax driver someone the way community yeah have this one and you're like no no please don't please don't because

you've already heard it or it's rubbish it's not normally 99 99 times out of 100 is rubbish yeah but i walked up a call when we did the stand the other week and i went there just to see his reaction i went one for you right paddy and Murphy right and he just like looked at us and I went and I just burst out laughing I was like I'm joking but that's the one

if you really want to annoy your comedian if you meet a comedian after this one all the things calm down it's signing you know you go and see someone's gig

you meet them afterwards or whatever I see them in a bar whatever just go yeah Paddy and Murphy right and just watch them fucking die inside

and then don't say anything else obviously because Paddy and Murphy jokes are the fucking worst I like a joke, though. Yeah, no jokes, folks. What's wrong with a joke? No jokes, all right, but I've heard them all.

Do I not highbrow enough for you now, is it not, Chris? Sorry, sorry. My podcast is called Shag Maridonor. You dare call me highbrow. I've just advertised hot bread. You think this is? Look, I love being insulted, but get the correct insult, lady.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Right, what have you been up to? I think I've got psoriasis on my foot. Psoriasis on your foot. Or just really, psoriasis runs in my family. Okay. Comes out with stress. Yeah.

I've just got like a patch of dry skin on my foot that I've been picking off. Okay. So that's going to be hoovered up on the floor. Got you. Just looking at it now. Have you been up to anything that isn't horrible? Horrible and boring. Just another week of hating my life.

You told me to be your beat for this. I tried to, yeah. You said stop being miserable and be your beat. So listen, I'm trying to be your beat. Why are you bringing up me weak? Because I've had a shit week. So as everyone knows, I've sort of been avoiding social media and that

just because it just gets us down. I had a really strange experience because Twitter can be full of negativity and stuff. Yeah. I went on Twitter on Friday night. Yeah. Opened up Twitter, right? I never go on What's Trending ever, right?

I just, not at the minute anyway. I never do it. And I pressed the little sort of, you know, the little magnifying glass at the bottom. Yes. And I looked at the top two trends. Government, the government dropped UK COVID warning level down one.

Right. Stuff's getting opened up a bit more. And Katie Hopkins banned from Twitter. Oh. I went, I literally looked, I went, that's full house.

Cash out. That is like, that's like walking into a casino, randomly putting like a quid down on something, winning a grand and just going, fucking go home now before you lose that grand. It's a good day randomly putting like a quid down on something, winning a grand, and just going, fucking go home now before you lose that grand. It's a good day to be alive.

I just literally put my phone on silent. I turned it around the other way and I just put it on the table. I went, I'm done. I have won Twitter for the day. Yeah. Fucking brilliant. One thing with Twitter, which always seems to happen to me,

when you go on the trending bit or whatever, it's always like a really famous actor's name and you always think they've died every single time but they're just but then everyone else that's why they end up trending because something happened and then everyone talks about and everyone's like are they dead it's like no no they're not it's irritating when every single trend and top tweet is are they dead and you're like will someone answer it it's really irritating someone sent us on twitter someone's made a shag married annoyed

drinking game yeah it's extremely impressive annoyingly i didn't get the person's name before i took a screenshot i'll find it after um so yeah the smart drinking game i retweeted it so if you want to see it guys just go on mine i literally tweet like three things a week now so it'll be easy you'll be able to find it i'll be right at the top i'm not a prolific tweeter these days yeah um so the smart drinking game so whenever you hear these things which i'm about to tell you you take a drink right so i'm guessing it's just like a sip of your drink i hope so because looking at it it's heavy going well it's not until i read them that i was like do we really talk about these things that much so you've got to take a drink when it's a plonk

cast we haven't done one of them for a while. I haven't done a plonkast for a long time. Chris's sponsor leaves Rosie unimpressed every week. Every single... No, you've been on board with a couple of them

but not many at all. I mean, hot bread was... Brilliant, wasn't it? Shocking. It was fantastic, hot bread. Terrible. You already said it though. Notice you didn't say toast.

You said hot bread. It's working. Oh, damn it. The rebrand is working. You've got us. You've got us. You've got us. That's what I do. Another one.

If either of us sways. Jesus. Yeah. Shit the bed. There you go. Have a drink. Rosie uses her laptop to add a sound effect. Thankfully that hasn't been done for a while either.

And it says drink two if it annoys Chris. Always. That's great. Shit or poo is mentioned. Fantastic. We haven't done a poo story for a while. We might have a couple this week. Or have you? There might be. There might be some. annoys Chris always that's great shit or poo is mentioned fantastic we haven't done a poo story for a while we might have a couple

this week or have you there might be there might be some sex or anything to do with sex is mentioned well you know shagged

it's in the title Barry Beef arrives haven't seen Barry for a while Barry's been busy he's a doctor isn't he he's been busy he's so busy

well actually not as busy anymore because there's not as many cases so he's just having I don't think he's having time off because he doesn't really have time off he's a grafter Well actually not as busy anymore because there's not as many cases. So he's just having I don't think he's having time off because he doesn't really have time off. He's a grafter. I think he needs a bit of time off.

I think he deserves it. Do you think? As long as he doesn't come here I think we're good. Rosie asks about what the beefs have said. Yeah so that's when you come back and pretend you haven't. Pretend?

Shut up. Another one. Chris changes his beef to match Rosie's. Yeah. Yeah. It's called reacting. It's called thinking Yeah, yeah. It's called reacting. It's called thinking on your feet. It's called rolling with it. Rosie starts singing. Robert is mentioned.

Chris being an only child is mentioned. Yeah, I get bollocked for that a lot. Rosie speaks about her fun childhood slash Chris speaks about his being shit. I wasn't shit. Sometimes I'll pick up some bits of it being shit, but it wasn't actually shit. The listener has spoken.

Right, okay, yeah. They've literally made a game about it. Titus has clearly said. I'm sick, man. This is finish your drink. So this is like down a drink. Oh, I didn't see this bit. Oh, there's two pages.

I only looked at the first one. Oh, really? Sums me up. So finish your drink when Carl or Sandra or Kate is mentioned. Jesus, Carl got mentioned in the intro this week because he texted us. Oh, my God. Robin gets slagged off. intro this week because he text us. Oh my God. Robin gets slagged off.

Always. A beef that's not Barry enters the chat. Either tells a story that the other hasn't heard. Brilliant. And off is Paul. Yeah. Pontons is mentioned. Do I mention Pontons that much?

You're fucking dying out on Pontons. Wow. Sick of hearing about it. Wow. You'd think having a massive podcast would be better than Pontons, but you still mention Pontons like it was the best thing you ever did.

Really good times. And as well, I used to smoke back then, and you could smoke in pubs. Why is that? I used to like smoking in pubs. Is that one of the moments that you look back on? Good times. Gee whiz. The bungalow was mentioned in any reference to other episodes.

Well done. Boom. It's a very good drinking game, but you will be hospitalised if you play that. Hospitalised. Rat arsed. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

You have invented a new coffee for yourself. Do you want to tell everyone about that? I have invented a new coffee. So I've had a lot of time on my hands on lockdown slash I haven't had any time at all

because I've been looking after Robin while Rosie sits on her phone. Wow! Really? Really? Grafted, mate. G at all because I've been looking after Robin while Rosie sits on her phone. Wow. Really? Really? Grafton, mate. Grafton. I've invented, right,

so it's an Americano, right? So it's a shot of the, someone's going to get in touch and say you haven't invented it, but I have, right? It's a shot of espresso, right? And then it's water, as if you're going to have an Americano.

So you top it with water. Then you put in milk that you've steamed and frothed, but I froth it to halfway between cappuccino and latte on the machine so it's an americano latte cappuccino so it's an amerilatacino guys do you know soon as i can go into a cafe again i'm gonna ask for one i'm gonna walk in i'm gonna yeah can i get a a grande amerilatacino and when they go what i'm gonna go i'm going to ask for one. I'm going to walk in, I'm going to go, yeah, can I get a grande marilaccino? And when they go, what? I'm going to go,

and I'm going to scoff like they're stupid. Yeah, good luck with that. Have you ever seen me trying to get a small coffee? Oh, they're coming in in the coffee shop. It's mad.

Why do we do that in England? We're so shit. You go to France or Spain or Europe in general, just all the lovely places in Europe, and you go, can I have a small Americano? Yeah, places in Europe and you go can I have a small

Americano yeah Italy's the best actually can I have a small Americano and they'll make you this beautiful lovely black coffee

dead frothy and just gorgeous you go to a bloody one of the massive chain ones yeah and you're like can I have a can I have a small

black coffee please small Americano and you'll get like a bucket full of hot water with like one shot of coffee it's the most

disgusting thing in the world it comes in a small like a bucket full of hot water with like one shot of coffee. It's the most disgusting thing in the world. It comes in a small, like a small McDonald's cup. Oh, proper ruck. It's fucking massive. Sometimes I go, can you fill that halfway? And the look is like, I'm a crazy person. I know. I'm like, I don't want a pint of water with a bit of coffee in it.

I don't want a pint of hot water with a shot of coffee. Like, I'm all right. It's really upsetting. Honestly, it's one of the shittest things in the world I've stopped going to them all I think we're the weird ones though I think we're the weird ones

I think everyone else is like well no what a big coffee yeah I'm the weird one because I'm not getting one of those bloody pumpkin fucking lattes with bloody

gingerbread biscuit in and about 1700 sugars pumpkin spice latte minging I got a gingerbread one on the way to Strictly once and it was horrible. And I had to, like the paparazzi and that were there taking photos and I took a drink of it and I was like trying to hide how gutted I was.

It was horrible. Was it? And I had to get out with like, at the other end of the car, I had to get out again and get photographed again with a pint of fucking freezing cold coffee that I hadn't touched. I remember going to the driver going, can I leave this here? And he was like, is it full? I went, yeah. He went, no.

I went, right. I climb out of the car with all my shit to be fair in its defense i've never actually tried one before gingerbread one's disgusting okay actually there must be something nice about them because everyone raves about them but i'm just everyone's tastes are different but i'm telling you now this is my thing right learn how to make a basic nice small black coffee before you go on to the other stuff i feel like they've missed a level they've missed a level out in the training. They're just, I think you must go and work

for one of these big coffee chains and they're like, right, okay, welcome to your first day of training, guys. Here we go. We're going to make this. It's got 19 ingredients, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How do I make a cup of tea? Don't worry about that.

Nobody's coming in just for a cup of tea. I just feel, I feel saddened for the plain coffee. I'm made to feel like some kind of leper when I go in and ask for a cup of tea? I just feel, I feel saddened for the plain coffee. I'm made to feel like some kind of leper when I go in and ask for a cup of tea in a coffee place. They look at us like,

I'm horrible. I'm like, can I just have an English breakfast tea? They're like, oh, look it, there's another one in. When I,

interestingly, when I did the, the spinoff show, The Junk. Oh, sorry. That was on the drinking game as well. Was it? I forgot that one.

Rosie hit her mic. Great. the spin-off show, The Jungle. Oh, sorry. That was on The Drinking Game as well. Was it? I forgot that one. Rosie hit her mic. Great. When I did the spin-off show, The Jungle, there was this really good coffee guy who used to come to the sort of, the bit where we sort of got ready and stuff, where our trailers and everything were. This guy came with this massive coffee machine

and you had to, you know, you must be renting a dinner or whatever. And he was an Australian guy, obviously. And whenever you walked over, he was obviously obviously he was like half take the piss but every walk over you were like and now welcome to brown water corner brown water corner welcome to brown water corner what can i get for you today is that because were you the only one drinking tea well no i was calling coffee brown water what are you just calling a brown water corner oh't I? He was calling brown water corner. Oh, sorry. Okay. But yeah.

Very clever. Well, you didn't get it. No, I didn't get it all. Jesus. I don't like tea. Wasted! Wish I did like tea. When your mom told me

that if someone ever gave her a cup of tea, she'd vomit. Yeah, she likes, she's very dramatic like that. Remember the time your mom, I made you a coffee and I made your mom a coffee

at the same time and I put two sweeteners in yours and I gave them to the wrong person and your ma'am took a mouthful of your coffee and spat it back into the cup. Yeah, I do, yeah. It was ridiculous. Spat it back into the cup and went, Rosie, this is yours. Oh, thank you. Cheers, ma'am.

Pre-COVID, thank God. I didn't drink it all the same. Well, I had to make another one because she just fucking gargled with it. Back into the cup. She was standing next to the sink. Heathen. Have we talked... We must have talked about the time when Sandra,

when we were on holiday and we had to go to the halfway hotel and Sandra said children were vomiting in the wind. We must have talked about that. I don't know if we've talked about it on here. So what happened was, we were on holiday and we'd stayed in our hotel and then we had a day,

we got kicked out of our hotel and then we had to wait, possibly a few hours, sorry, or like an overnight stay. In the middle of a night flight and you'd check out at nine. But we had to wait at a different hotel

and we got the other hotel and Sandra being, Sandra's like a poor snob. She's got no money money she's skinned but she has really high standards great and she is a proper snob um so we went to this other hotel and obviously it just wasn't as nice as our hotel that we'd be new so and we didn't go to really posh hotels when we were kids so it's probably like we went to like a three-star hotel you wouldn't have even cared though no and then this one was probably like a two star hotel

and we got there and I think the entertainment was on and that's why I was buzzing but my mum to this day describes it as one of the worst nights of her life and she says that you know it was horrible it was disgusting it was dropping to bits there was cockroaches and all the children were vomiting on the dance floor that's the way she described it to me she described it to me she described it

to me as it was disgusting it was dropping a bit there was food everywhere there was rubbish and everyone was vomiting that's right so you want to get out it sounds like there's a fucking norovirus break oh you just want to leave i just i think the funny thing is though because my mom's always been like that but it wasn't until i met you that sandra would start telling the story and you'd go hang on a minute this is ridiculous like the idea that everyone in this hotel was vomiting like the end of a guest house paradiso just everyone's just opening the door just wide in the corridor have you seen i ever seen problem child no have you not never seen problem i love that that film when i was a kid they they're on just wide in the corridor. Have you ever seen Problem Child? No.

Have you not? Never seen Problem Child. I loved that film when I was a kid. They're on a roller coaster. Or like, sorry, like the Walter or something at the fair and everyone's just vomiting on each other. That was what the hotel was like

in Sandra's eyes. I don't really remember. I really, honestly, in a perfect world, one day she'll be going through like a box of shit in a perfect world one day she'll be going through like a box of shit in our loft or whatever

and she'll come running round our house with a photo and go see I told you and there'll be a photo of all yous and just in the background

and there'll just be loads of people just highing up into the pool I'll get it framed babadoo babadoo babadoo so regular listeners will know

that we need a log update from last week's log. Mm-hmm. Carry on. Yeah. Wasn't that bad, was it? Wasn't that bad.

I was so worried. Not as bad as what you described. The man was outside in his van, and he opened the back of the van, and he was like, oh, summer's coming, you know? You don't need this many logs. And I was like, oh, crap. And he went to the back of this massive van with this pallet truck thing, and then he came out with it, and I thought,

that's actually not that bad. It's not that bad. But I didn't know he said that. That's annoying. Yeah. All right, then, mate. Give us me money back. Yeah.

And you can take them back. Summer's coming, you know. Why do people do that? Why do, like, you're buying something, and the person you're buying it off slags you off for buying that thing. And you go, hang on. In his defense, I think he was the delivery guy, but yeah. But what? Yeah. So do you want to deliver this product anymore? slags you off for buying that thing and you go hang on

but what so do you want to deliver this product anymore or do you want to not have a job and people not buy it I hate that

but I know for a fact if I'd have went actually I've got a pizza oven and an outdoor wood fuelled barbecue he would have went

so I couldn't win so I just fucking didn't say anything if I said oh I've got a pizza oven and he went oh have you now lordy darn i'm like well i can't win here so i'll just let you have that yeah i love that summer's coming where do you live devon because here mate it's flipping freezing it's fucking me it's still we don't have a summer this is the northeast of england our summer lasts for about four days and we had it at the beginning of lockdown yeah now we're back now it's autumn again.

What do you want all these for? It's summer. Oh, well, actually, you know what? Me nana eats them and she's on my death's door. Wood? Well, she's on death's door. What's she eating wood for? I just, oh, I'm glad I wasn't there. I don't think he'd have believed you if you said that.

Well, I hope not. I'm just really glad I wasn't there because that pisses me off. You know what, though? You wouldn't have said anything and I know you wouldn't because you'd have said it afterwards and I just got this in the neck afterwards.

Do you know what? It took us two hours to move them logs and stack them up next to the front door. I could have done them. It would have took longer if you were whinging on

about that guy so I'm glad you didn't say it. I know, me too. I just really don't like that. It's like, sometimes when I go to the shops and I'm buying Robin new clothes because to be fair, he damages his to the shops and I'm buying Robin new clothes because to be fair

he damages his clothes so much and I always give them to charity well charity I give them to Abel and like his mates who are a little other than him

but every time I go to the shops and I'm buying new things the person always says something and I always end up going oh he's just had a growth spurt where really I'm just like

do you know what do you want to buy me Ben some clothes why are you judging us why are you saying oh buy me burnt some clothes? Why are you judging us? Why are you saying, oh, hey, how many kids you got? What are you getting?

Like, it's got nothing to do with you. What have I, am I burnt away? Do you know what fucks me off? You know, what always fucks me off? Whenever you go anywhere,

whenever I go anywhere with a case or a bag, oh, how long are you staying? Fucking, this is just me stuff. This is what I mean. I hate it.

Whenever I go to London, I've got a suitcase. I've got to go for one show thisondon i've got a suitcase i've gotta go for one show this week i've gotta take shit loads of different things to wear sometimes you turn up and you go i'm wearing this and they go you can't wear that because it's the same color as the set or it'll strobe on the camera or alex is wearing a color like that you go right fuck you gotta take loads of options i'll turn up anyway and they go oh staying for a year are you no this is just me stuff you tosser'm going to start making up loads of stories.

Next time someone says that, I'm going to start crying and I'm going, actually, I had to leave home. Yeah. This is all my worldly belongings. Actually, me dead husband's in here. Take him everywhere with this. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Okay, listener, I've just been told to apologise.

Bye, Chris. Because I'm very passive-aggressive today. And I do realise, and I do, honestly, I'm not miserable. I'm a very happy person. But just lockdown is getting to us. Right. Honestly. Look, it's been lowered to level three now.

Fuck, level three. It's all right. Don't worry. Right? Why don't you go to the garden? Do you want to go to the garden set now? Eh? Do you want to go to the garden set now?

Do you want to go to Primark? Eh? Hey, what's that? Hey? Primark? I want to go by myself garden set now? Eh? Do you want to go to the garden set now? Do you want to go to Primark? Eh? Hey, what's that? Hey? Primark? I want to go by myself with nobody else. Without me?

Mm-hmm. Okay, then. Okay. Deal. Bye. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Hello, Chris.

Oh, which one is this? Hello, Chris. I can't talk long. It's Belinda, love. Thank God for that. Hello, love. Hello, are you all right? Yes. Yeah, I'm just ringing dead quick. I just... Chris, basically, babe. I'm't talk long. It's Belinda, love. Thank God for that. Hello, love. Hello, are you all right? Yes.

Yeah, I'm just ringing dead quick. Chris, basically, babe, I'm just ringing to clear my name. Right, okay. I heard how Becky's been on, saying slanderous stuff about us. Right. Can I first of all just say, how do you guys have some kind of phone that gets immediately through to this podcast and never rings? It's a direct line, Chris.

Right, okay. But it never rings. You just seem to appear. It's just direct line, Chris. Right, okay, but it never rings. You just seem to appear. It's just going down the line. Right, okay. Down the line of the line of the podcast line. I don't know why

you're arguing that about, Chris. Okay, come on. I'm running to clear my name. Right, what's happening? Just that I've been shagging her lad when he's on his bike and it's not true, Chris.

Okay. It's not true. He's disgusting, actually. Right. He's disgusting. Really? He weighs about 50 stone. Right. Wow, that's a lot. He's got near he weighs about 50 stone right he's got near hair right it's vile i'm surprised he even gets on a bloody bike right okay must be a strong

bike frame oh honestly shocking all right okay then yeah shocking right fair enough really busy chris so i can't stay for long but i just wanted to say all right just clearing my name okay getting Okay then. Very nice. Jesus Christ. Gravel, very nice. Jesus. Jesus. She's got a laptop on her shoulder like a fucking violin. Oh shit, it's our Barry. Chris, I'm going to have to go.

Barry's here. Ma! Ma, come to the door! But, I'll be one minute, Barry. Chris, listen to me now and listen good. There's five million pound onami matris in Spanish pasita. You look after yourself, right? Ma, you better get to this door now! I've got Betty in the car! right? I've got to get to this door now.

I've got Becky in the car. Chris, I've got to go, please. Just believe her as Chris. That was painful. What is going on

at that house? Jesus Christ. That was dramatic. Why is she so frightened of Barry turning up with Becky? Well, I'm guessing it's because of what's been going on with that house. Jesus Christ. That was dramatic. Why is she so frightened of Barry turning up with Becky? Well, I'm guessing

it's because of what's been going on with her lad. Right, okay, yeah. 50 stone. Right, 50 stone. Slagged off bald people as well, that's not nice. 50 stone and bald.

Not a good combination. 50 stone. Five million pound. Did she say five million or did she say five? She said five million in Spanish. In Spanish. That was out of left field, £5 million did she say £5 million or did she say £5 she said £5 million in Spanish which was

that was out of left field I'll be honest with you that was very good yeah oh I just thought lockdown couldn't get worse I just don't know

why they ring us shut up man will you it's you holding the laptop on your shoulder it's so pathetic like a fucking accordion that took so long youtube really let me down there that's gravel dry oh hey man you want shot right what's your beef it's actually not that bad this beef okay come on then but it's been happening

for a long long time all right time you will not let me watch when we're watching a programme so like a series I really enjoy watching the next week nah you won't let me watch it and it really upsets us because why but what's wrong with watching the next week on such and such

just watching the little clips it doesn't tell you the whole programme it gives some stuff away and I don't want to know it absolutely does not and can I just say you sometimes want to know I'm just watching the little clips it doesn't tell you the whole program I don't want to give some stuff away and I don't want to know it absolutely does not and can I just say you sometimes want to do it when we're binging something and we're about to watch the next episode anyway

but I just like to know what's going on so we literally we've got them like stacked up you know it's only eight o'clock at night or whatever

we've got all night we've watched episode three we're about to watch episode four but at the end of episode three you want to watch the coming on episode four I do yeah

seconds before we watch episode four you fucking lunatic I don't see this that's something someone would someone would

dissect this something more to this yeah you just want to know too much you're a control freak you want to know too much

is that what it is yeah you know too much you know too much that's guys if you don't I can't even I can't even

explain that reference it's a comedian called Pablo Francisco years ago did a thing very funny yeah that was that was quite tame so be gentle okay okay okay no um my beef with you this week and it was shocking and it was hurtful right so obviously i've you know during during lockdown you know i've become bite guy right i might bite quite a lot i'm eating i'm not eating uh you know service station food and sandwiches and stuff i think i've mentioned this i'm not eating loads of fast food i'm going to casa casa del rosies every day beautiful me beautiful and talented wife is making fantastic food i'm going out my bike i'm getting

sunshine i'm getting fresh air yeah right for the first time probably since i was a student i've actually i'm well rested you haven't got bags i haven't got bags under my eyes i've had a bit of time i'm i don't like lockdown at all i haven't liked it one bit the whole way i've been miserable but physically i'm a little bit better than i was you were sat in my office with me the other day you turned and looked at a photo an an old photo of me and you. You picked it up and you said, it's not fair. I was always prettier than you. And you showed us the photo and you went, I want to go back to that. And it's a photo where you look gorgeous.

And I had bags under my eyes and I had my long hair and I was sitting in the back. And you went, look at that. You've lost weight and you look good. And it's a photo where you look gorgeous. And I had bags under my eyes. And I had my long hair. And I was sitting in the back. And he went, look at that. He went, you've lost weight. And you look good. And that's not fair. And I thought, you know what? You piece of shit. I forgot about that.

No, I fully stand behind everything I said there. Yeah. Because, ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening now, you should always marry down. I'm married down slightly. That's bullshit. But now you've gone up. And should always marry down. I'm married down slightly. That's bullshit. But now you've gone up and I've gone down. That's ridiculous.

So it's upsetting us. I was always bonnier than you. Bonnie means pretty for anyone off in the northeast. And then you are getting better with age. Yeah. All the time. This is the best you've ever looked in your life. Yeah, thank you.

And I'm not happy about it. Bike guy. Hashtag bike guy. I look the worst I've ever looked in my life right now. Not ever, but yeah. you and I'm not happy about it because hashtag bike guy I look the worst I've ever looked in my life right now not ever but no I do

I was lovely when we met right but I can't believe you brought this up you're waiting for a compliment I thought this was you're waiting for I love that

I was lovely when we met and then she just looked at us and I just I just no-solved it I did that thing Louis Theroux does when he's asked a question he just sits quietly

a salesman just like, no. Yeah. Listen, stop it. You're beautiful, right? Pack it in. That's the last time I'm telling you because I didn't want to tell you anymore. Thank you. But you're arid.

Well, it's gone from beautiful to arid. Look, you're passable. You need dogs dinner. So are you when we're married. Fucking enjoy having a bit of eye candy on your arm, will you? I've got no way to show you off. Good point. Can't even take you out for a nice meal.

Let's walk down to the shed and you can show everyone how lush your husband is. Look at my lad. I'm joking. I don't think I'm luscious. I'm just doing it for the joke. I've never seen it. He does. Vomit.

I'm going to that hotel to vomit. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Public. That was good. That's a good one. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch,

it is shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. Honestly, just, I know I say it every week, but it blows me away how much great stuff you send us. We haven't even what's the word? Crack the surface? Scrape the surface. We haven't even scraped the surface on the stuff we've got. There's 17,000 emails in there. And I know most of you listening

don't email in. You don't even do it. Thank you so, so much. Shagmiredanoid.gmail.com. Please keep sending stuff. I just love reading it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So we've got the first one to come here, right? This is one of the most Shagmired I just love reading it thank you thank you thank you so we've got the first one to come here right this is this is one of the most

shag-bred annoyed emails okay I think ever you know when someone just this person it's short it's sweet it's lovely

someone just they just know the brand they just know who they're emailing here they know who they're talking to yeah okay oh that's good hey guys

listening to episode 69 and you got the question about sharing a towel or a toothbrush or not changing your bed for six months. Yes, we did. That was from Scott Bennett and Gemma Bennett. I once dated a guy and stayed at his house

after a night out. I didn't have my toothbrush because it was an impromptu stopover. Okay. He offered me, without batting an eyelid, if I wanted to use his guest toothbrush. without batting an eyelid, if I wanted to use his guest toothbrush.

The toothbrush he let anyone who stared at his flat use. Awful. That's awful. The communal toothbrush. He did not understand why I was disgusted and didn't see anything wrong with this. I declined and just used my finger and some toothpaste. However, some people have obviously accepted this offer and used a communal toothbrush.

Why would you do that? The guest toothbrush! That's the worst thing ever! How many guests does he have? The guest toothbrush? What's wrong with him? I'm just trying... It doesn't surprise us that much it's do you know what it is it's something that sounds like it should be acceptable but the minute you think

about it for more than a second you're like actually no that's the worst thing ever really not it's not like the guest towel is it that you can wash yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's grim. The guest toothbrush. That is grim. Oh, great, yeah. But how long would he have that for? Because just say over like 10 years, he's only had 10 guests. Yeah. Would you just keep that one? Because it's only been used 10 times.

Well, I mean, 10 times. So you just keep that one. That's still a new toothbrush, Rosie. I know. Yeah. I just remembered a story. Ooh. When I was younger,

I don't know if I've told you this, when I was younger and I lived at my mum and dad's house still, there was one morning, my dad got up really early to go to work. I think it was something to do with the van was getting fixed and he had to drop the van off before going to work or something like that. He got really, really early. And I remember I was sitting at the kitchen table on the night time

and my dad came in and my mum said, because she just notices things, she's like me, she just notices stuff. My mum said to my dad, you went downstairs without brushing your teeth this morning. Did you not brush your teeth? Have you not brushed your teeth all day? And my dad went, oh no, there's a toothbrush.

I came down, I forgot, and there's a toothbrush I spotted under the sink in the bathroom. Don't. So I just used that. And my mum went, Bill! She went, I used that to clean the toilet. Oh my God.

And she used, you know the under bit. She used that to clean under the rim. It's the one she uses all the time. And he went, that makes it, he just laughed because he doesn't care. He went, that makes sense. He said, because he was eating his dinner and something in the back of his mouth hurt. And he put his hand in his mouth and he pulled one of the bristles from the back

of his wisdom tooth oh your dad I've just remembered that story it's the worst isn't it your dad is poster boy for like the 50s

just honestly pit village 50s kid any though the stories like hey that wouldn't have even bothered him at all like no you wasn't i remember you just laughed his head off that's hilarious i'm also your man uses the toothbrush to clean the toilet she used to she used to how are you man i went round the other day. I love that.

So my hoover broke. Do you know what? I'm going to actually give them a shout out. We've got a Dyson, right? They're not paying us to do this. If you get a Dyson, just go. It's so boring and so house husbandy. And you can tell I've been in lockdown.

Do the warranty. I phoned up. It broke. I snapped it myself. I was doing it too hard. I caught it on a doorframe. I snapped the end off. I phoned them. I went, snap. They went, yeah too hard I caught it on a doorframe I snapped the end off I phoned them

I went it snapped they went yeah we'll send it and they just sent a new part fun note like they were sending us a you know when you phone up and you want a sofa

and they go we'll send you the little colour book and you just get that little shitty fabric send us it for fuck all it was buzzing anyway I told my mum about it and she went which bit broke

and I went I'll show you and I went into a cupboard to get the hoover where it's on the little cupboard thing on the charger and I went in I picked up the hoover and there was no attachment on the end and I went where's'll show you. And I went into a cupboard to get the hoover where it's on the little cupboard thing, right? On the charger. And I went in, I picked up the hoover and there was no attachment on the end.

And I went, where's your attachment? Where's the end? And she went, oh, I keep them in here. And she walked through to another room and went into a cupboard and got a shoe box out of the cupboard and all of her attachments for the hoover were in that shoe box.

And I went, why? I went, why is that there? And she went, well, because when I go upstairs, I take the hoover and I take this box and I've got all the attachments upstairs with us. Isn't she wonderful? I went, so, but yeah,? She went, well, because when I go upstairs, I take the hoover and I take this box and I've got all the attachments upstairs with this. Isn't she wonderful? I went, so, but yeah, so I went, you go upstairs to use the hoover.

You take that box of attachments and you put the hoover down and then you open that box and you assemble it like a fucking sniper in a movie. Do you know what I mean? Just love it. Your mom must look down on me so much. She didn't understand why I thought it was weird.

I was like, she was like, you're horrible to me. What's the matter? I went, it's just really weird that you just keep them all in that little box in a separate bit. But she's fab like that though. She's really organized. She just loves her little bits and stuff. But it was just, right.

It was like the hoover was in one bit and the attachments in the other. Like, you know, when you say in America, I'm going to say you've got a gun. You keep the gun one place and the bullets in the other place that the kids can't shoot Yeah, why didn't you keep them together? Because she's, I don't know. How many attachments you got? got oh she's got all the attachments like she's got the same hoover as us yeah but she's got all the attachments where's our attachments they're in a box right next to the hoover and i've never used them and i only

got them out when i smashed the end of it so she'll use like all the little attachments like she will literally go oh this carpet's a little bit deeper than the last room different attachment i wish i had the time jinky mom looks at me like a bit of shit do you think when we got married was your mom like a little bit deeper than the last room. Different attachment. I wish I had the time. Do you think your mum looks at me like a bit of shit? Do you think when we got married was your mum like, eh, what's he married?

I know she loves us and I love her, but do you think there is a bit of her that's like, what a scumbag? I don't think so. Probably. I think there is a little bit.

Probably. There will be a little bit. She's well within her eyes to think that. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, Aprilil 13th when

the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com. together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone help camh build a future where no one is left behind so who will you rise for register today at sunrisechallenge.ca that's sunrisechallenge.ca right rosie got a complaint email here well okay have we really got a complaint email here. Oh, well, okay, have we? Really? Got a complaint email. Right. Oh, no, I don't like complaints. Hi. First of all, may I start by saying I love your podcast.

Oh, that's so, no. So here it comes. Sugar-coated, sugar-coated bitch, come on. I'm a relatively new listener after deciding to preserve my sanity and basically save the lives of those I live with by going on long walks every evening by myself. A friend recommended I give you a listen and as long as i don't mind looking like a right knack i laugh at myself while pounding the pavements of my town i listen happy days where's the complaint my

request is and we always get weird requests for weird stuff of people not liking certain things and being very pernickety with things change your accent accent. No, but we get stuff like that. Yeah, that's what I'm expecting. Don't talk too fast, don't shout, move away from the mic, don't shout away from the mic. You get all, everyone's a fucking critic. Yeah.

My request is, can I ask you please not to clap on your podcast? Why? Now, I read that and I was annoyed. I was instantly pissed off. Then I read a reason and it's, well, just listen a strange one

and to be honest I don't do it often but I'm not sure if you're aware what it sounds like when played through your headphones or maybe it's just me

so now I'm thinking it hurts her ear she's got sensitive ears she doesn't like the noise whatever let me explain I have an 11 year old son he has recently discovered

that his balls make a noise if he wiggles backwards and forwards hard enough. I know. Of course. It's the noise of them slapping off his butt which makes it even more hilarious. I have warned him that it will end up with bollocks around his ankles if it continues,

but this seems to add to the hilarity. The sound he makes is exactly the sound you both make when you clap on the podcast. That is horrible. Mate, we're so sorry. Like, we're so sorry. I've become accustomed to him randomly creating this noise at every opportunity in the house during lockdown. And his 15-year-old sister has accepted that he will interrupt her virtual nights out with the girls to share his

talent i love him he just so he just runs in and shakes back and forwards and his balls slap off he's also made this noise at 11 he's day and i read by the sounds of things like wow he's an early developer however i am working from home and regularly hold video calls with others in my company. When sharing my screen in a budget meeting, everyone was probably asleep at this point, my son snuck up behind me and began playing his ball butt tune. Thankfully, nobody could see him, however. This, I think, was made worse, where the sound was obviously heard by others in my call. Lots of questions about the noise and what it could have been.

I stupidly ignored it and pretended I hadn't heard the noise and i tried to bring some professionalism back to the call if anyone has a filthy mind i think they may have put two and two together i fucking guarantee you they didn't there's no one in the world who's like coming off that zoom call they're bringing up go do you think that was brenda's 11 year old son slapping his balls off his ass i think it was Oh, do you know what's awful? Like, we've got one of them that's going to be 11 one day and Robin will be, ah, now I like that.

Don't ever tell him about that. I didn't know it was a thing. It sounds like it hurts. That'll hurt that kid. I don't know. I'll say it again. How big are his balls? Well, I think he's suffering

for his heart. I think he needs to go to the doctors. Listen, we've already clapped once in this podcast. I'm really sorry. Let's try now. Just for you. I can't do it forever.

We can't do it forever. But just for you, mate. Right? I'm not going to say your name, obviously. I'm going to keep you anonymous. We'll try and do a clap for the rest of the podcast. I was going to do a clap for that. So that everyone can imagine the balls.

I think she knows what it sounds like. Okay. If you want to hear the clap, think she knows what it sounds like. Okay. If you want to hear the clap, we did it earlier on. Okay. Good. Fair enough. Speaking of balls, I remember Wow. Speaking of balls. I remember. Sorry, is there any other podcast in the world where the segue is, speaking of balls?

Possibly. Probably Peter Crouch I don't think they ever say speaking of balls it's about football though isn't it when we were younger we were staying in a caravan

and my brother had a really bad balls for some reason and so sorry all I remember my brother

no he had something wrong with his balls you just said and me brother had a really bad balls no but we just one of them was bad I think he was only

three or four but all I remember is that he had to do he had to do a handstand for ages to try to sink his ball back I don't know what happened

sorry I'm gonna have to ask me mum no you had to do a handstand he had to do a handstand we were on a do a handstand. We were on a caravan and he was crying and that and my mum had him do a handstand. My mum and dad were like holding him up doing a handstand with no clothes on.

And I think his ball was like going back into place. He was in pain. I think they had to take him to the doctors after that. Goodness me. He might have had tangled balls. You can get that. That might have been what it was. Because you know they're not just in that bag just sitting there. They're connected with the tubes to the back and they can tangle. That might have been what it was. Because, you know, they're not just in that bag, just sitting there. They're connected with the tubes to the back and they can tangle. That might have been what it was.

Well, my mum was a nurse, wasn't she? Well, it doesn't sound like it if her answer was, do a handstand naked. He was always naked, Kev. Imagine what the doctors, imagine what the doctors, oh yeah, yeah,

do a naked handstand twice a day. Thank you, doctor. I shall report you on the way out, no problem. Hello, Rosie and Chris. In a sleepy haze one night, I rolled over in bed and felt something down at my feet. Being ever so tired and sleepy, I couldn't be bothered to sit up and check. So thinking it was a sock or something that had got caught up in the sheets, I proceeded to use my feet to navigate this mystery item up to the top of the

bed so that I could inspect it further. It was a bit warmer and harder than I thought a sock would be, but I carried on anyways. What's the worst it could be, eh? Upon using my feet to pass the item up to my hands, I realised to my horror that it was not a sock at all, but a hard, hot piece of dog poo. My dog had pooed himself in his sleep in the middle of the night, he was blissfully unaware, and I had transported it from the bottom of the bed to the top of the bed using my feet.

Safe to say the dog wasn't allowed to sleep in my bed ever again. My God. Another, another reason why we are not getting a dog. I should stop reading these out. I should stop reading these to you because I don't think we're ever going to get a dog because i don't think it's a sock how do you mistake a bit of dog poo for a sock how do you not smell it how hard and crusty do you let your socks get is my question vile told you i told you about that time when i stayed at a friend's house an old friend's house years ago and the cat i was

sleeping downstairs in the living room on the sofa. A cat did a poo in the litter tree on the upstairs landing and it woke me up at three o'clock in the morning. So I'm sorry, if she can't smell that at the bottom of her bed, then again, go to the doctor because there's something wrong with your nose. If you can't smell a dog's dump in your bed,

then what the hell else is in your bed? Who are you sharing your bed with? If you cannot smell your dog has had a poo in your bed, that's vile. Well, that's that dealt with. I'm sorry, what? I just, it's the way people message it in going, eh, eh, isn't that?

And you go, no, that's really disgusting, actually. It's funny, but it's vile. And if you told me that in real life, I'd go, oh, I think less of you now. I do. Well, we'll keep it anonymous, but we both think less of you now.

Well done. Hiya, Chris and Rosie. Have an embarrassing story for you. Happened to my friend. So my friend went to the doctors in Spain while she was working as a dancer on a cruise ship. She had an appointment to get her...

Sexy. Great. She had an appointment to get her travel vaccinations. I was never tall enough for them. I was always gutted. You weren't... That's... We haven't told you that.

You weren't tall enough to go and get a job on a cruise ship, were you? No, I went for a few of them and they were like, no, you're not tall enough because you basically... You have to be able to fit into the costumes I was about three inches too short I don't actually know

if that this was like this is like 11 years ago that I was going for them I don't think they're allowed to do that anymore really well yeah

because it's like sizist isn't it basically I used to go and they'd be like sorry no to no one I'd be like oh any feedback

because you know when you didn't get an audition you'd ask for feedback i know so do i like honestly tell us why i'm shit please tell me why i'm shit and it and they are got told a couple of times it's just you're too you're not tall enough oh it's like cabin crew all over again yeah not tall enough to be two overhead but at least there's actually a reason for that, cabin crew. This is just when not buying you your own costume. Yeah, you're wearing last year's costume and you're too short and fat. By the way, he has a communal toothbrush.

Welcome aboard. Did I ever tell you about... So I used to have a routine. I remember when I first watched Take Me Out, the Paddy McGuinness thing. Yeah. And I used to have a routine about that because for me, my idea of a nightmare

would be coming down that lift and standing there and they always do like a daft little dance or something and then all the women just they'll turn the lights off and the worst bit of the show is when paddy goes oh half the lights have gone off i'll go and ask them why whoa whoa just fucking leave them i don't want to know. Jesus Christ. It's so true. Do you know what I mean? Why do you find this man repulsive? Why, when you saw this man for a split second, did you immediately plunge yourself into darkness so he couldn't look at you?

Oh my gosh. Speaking of Take Me Out, my friend Jojo was on Take Me Out years ago. And I don't think she ever pressed the button for anyone. No, she was desperate, wasn't she? Desperate Jojo. I don't think she was desperate. I just think she's too nice.

She's actually a really, really lovely person. No, she's lovely. I don't think she ever wanted to be like, you're vile. So she just said yes to all of them. It became like a running joke. And she didn't get a date, did she, bless her? I don't think she got a date in the end. She was on there for ages.

Oh, Jojo. And she's bloody lovely. Oh the end. She was on there for ages. Oh, Jojo. And she's bloody lovely. Oh, God. She's too good for it. So someone's got the doctors in Spain. They're getting the vaccinations. So I'm assuming they must have went out and met the, they must have met the cruise ship at Spain.

Otherwise you get your vaccinations at home. So they must have met it somewhere. Must be going somewhere exciting. Or must be changing ships and going to somewhere. Just so you're all aware as well, this dancer, she'll be over five foot four and she'll probably be size eight to ten. Got you.

That was the criteria. Venomous the way you said that. Jealous. Just want you to know. Very jealous. Just getting an image in. I'm giving the full, we've wrote a book now,

I know how to describe things better. Good. Yeah. Obviously, there was a bit of a language barrier already but after filling out some forms the doctor slapped his thighs while sitting in front of her as if to say right okay let's get this done but having not had travel vaccinations before she took his thigh slapping as a signal to sit on his lap no so he's done you know when you go right yeah

and you give it the slap so he must have done it and then so I've seen doctors do it the slap and then they look around the table for something so she sat

in his lap I don't know what she was thinking but without hesitation as a full grown woman she sat on the doctor's knee it makes me crease to think about

the doctor's face I don't know how they both managed to keep a straight face to finish the appointment it's wonderful that is wonderful unreal that in it reminds me of another story with my brother this is like the kevin winter podcast today naked headstand no not a naked head not a naked i've got a bad knee naked cartwheel son this time is the time when we were in the car

and my brother was sat in his baby seat in the back he was only two and uh me auntie had a big um lab what was he labrador yeah she had a labrador called jack yeah yeah yeah um me mom had gone to run on run up to me nana's up the up the front path jack had bolted out the front door and he my mom had left the car door open and he went and sat on kev's knee just sat there didn't move and kev was like help he just had a massive labrador sat on top of him in a child seat in a child's lesson was he scared no because jack was lush but but it was a bit you know he's heavy and kev was only like two. He had no luck, my Kev, bless him. Probably what happened to his ball.

Dog, Labrador crushed his ball. Naked headstand. Got a question for you here, Chris. How are you then? Hello, Rosie and Chris. I'm sat on my lockdown sofa, just a normal sofa, but it feels all claustrophobic since we've been sat here for weeks. I know that feeling.

I'm after new ones because I'm sick of looking at mine that I have already. You're almost after new sofa. Well, yeah. Hobbies doing work on the laptop while I enjoy the quiet after both kids are in bed until the same old query rears its ugly head and we are having a gated debate about a particular word and its meaning. I was hoping you could shed some light on it and maybe we can get an answer. No office polls available, though, unfortunately,

but we can have one. Us, okay? So here's my question. How many does the word several refer to? My husband says more than three, but I have always felt it should mean six or seven. I've decided to elaborate, so bear with me. Right.

So a couple is two. Do you agree? Do you agree? Yes. A few is three or four. Yes. Weirdly, I would agree with that. I did that in my head just there.

Yeah. A handful is five. Fingers, five. Right. So therefore, several would be six plus. Yes. Yes.

Surely. Yeah? Yes. Right. Yes, surely. Yeah? Yes. Right. Although, who's fucking saying several? That's my main problem. Don't say several. I think I say several.

No, you... There's no way you say several. How many drinks did you have last night, Rosie? I had several. No, arseholes say several. Arseholes who are hungover. Oh, I definitely had... I might have had several martinis last night.

That's what tossers say. Do you think? Yeah, yeah. So, well, should I just say, you wouldn't say, I knew Dave for several years if you'd only known him three. You'd say I've known him a few.

That's really good. That's really good. Who do you think is right and who needs their life reassessing? So he, who thinks what? He thinks, her husband thinks several is like three. Nah, he's wrong. And she thinks it's, yeah.

She's not definitely right, but she's more right than him. Yeah. That's what I would say. That's office Paul. Bam. You've got two here on your side. Sorted. And that's from, oh, hang on.

That's from Lucy. Thanks, Lucy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I really related to this story. Come on then If you want to hear it Hi Chris and Rosie I have a story

That as soon as I heard it I thought of you Rosie And just had to send it in Well she's obviously done right If you're relating to it Yeah My brother Has a pet bearded dragon

Called George So weird Why? Oh I don't know People who keep snakes And lizards And fucking spiders Robin was asking for one

The other day. He's not getting one. Oh, no. Can't I be living in the same house? Honestly, I would take a dog that's shat in the bed every night over a snake or a lizard. Me too. Sorry about that. Well, no.

I was going to say no offence to people who own snakes and lizards. Offence to you. Offence to you. It's just different strokes for different folks. Well, I'm allowed to find it strange. I find it weird. Well, anyway, he's had George, the dragon. He had this dragon for about five years now

and he absolutely loves him. Okay, little George. Over the last week, George started to show signs of not being well. His colourful complexion, which is usually orange, turned black. Oh, no. He refused to eat anything

and he hadn't had a poo for about a week. Oh, George. Poo-add, George. As much as I don't like them, I don't want any harm to them. You don't want them to be poo-add, do you? No a poo for about a week. Oh, George. Poor George. As much as I don't like them, I don't want any harm to them. You don't want them to be poorly, do you? No, no, no, no, no, no. We were all very concerned about him, so after doing some research, my brother ordered a new set of UV lights, etc., which totaled up to £130.

Goodness. Bloody hell. Expensive little dragon. Yeah, yeah. He also had a video appointment with an exotic vet who agreed he wasn't well and so booked in a personal appointment which they took George to the next morning.

Oh, okay. This is pre-lockdown. Pre-lockdown, right. Even though they did the video call first. That's still good. It is quite good. But I mean, I'll be raging if people can take their dragons to an exotic vet

but we can't take our little boy to get these I'll be I will be writing a letter to Boris tomorrow if this is the crap

I think this is pre-covid I got this a while ago okay then okay I'll be livid quick don't even anyway so at this appointment

after an x-ray and an examination it turns out George is in fact actually a girl. Oh, right. But what's happened to George? Well, she was ill due to the fact she had an egg developing in her ovary. So basically, she was due on her period.

Wow. But how long had he had her?'d she only have one period eh what's happening because she's a lucky little dragon that's what she is um says here so george was sent home with some medicine georgina now georgina apologies georgina and is she's now on the mend with the vet bill totaling up to one that is it 134 quid goodness me That's an expensive period. Goodness me. Wow. Wow. Oh my gosh. So after Georgina basically pretended to die and my brother spent £264 on him.

Heavens. Slash her. He is actually a she and is just due on her period. What an absolute drama queen. But I salute her. Every girl knows the pain. And the question is, this is from Stella, by the way. My question to Rosie is,

what's the most dramatic thing you have done whilst being due on? Oh, God, how long have you got? That is a good question. I don't know. Probably the most dramatic thing, which I do quite regularly, is when I'm in the shower,

I imagine people's funerals and I have a really good cry. That is awful. No, I do. Family, friends, all of them. So you practice cry for people's funerals? I don't practice cry. I just have a really good cry.

I've done it with you a lot. No, I don't find... No, that's really strange. It's only when I'm due on. So why do you... So you have to... So imagining the funeral is the way to get yourself to cry? Nah, I don't find... No, that's really strange. It's only when I'm due on. So why do you... So you have to protect... You have to... So imagining the funeral is the way to get yourself to cry.

No, so basically what's happening is I'm in the shower and it's like the day of the funeral. Right. And I'm having a shower, but I'm in the death zone. So whoever I'm thinking about has died. Right. And I'm just crying my eyes out. That's so weird.

I know, I can't help it. I don't know whether it's part, a little bit of an actress has died. Right. And I'm just crying my eyes out. That's so weird. I know. I can't help it. I don't know whether it's part, a little bit of an actress in us. Right. And a little bit of drama and hormones. It's all kind of comes into one. That's the darkest shit. So I do just imagine that's very,

people who have, I'm talking, you've been there. Jesus! It's horrible, Chris. I've really cried. Do you never see me after the shower sometimes and I'm really upset?

I thought it was just water. No. You've got soap in your eye. I've really cried. Do you never see me after the shower sometimes and I'm really upset? I thought it was just water. No. I've got soap in your eye. Do you have tears? Oh. Obviously, when I get out, I have to, you know, normal. Everything's fine. So weird.

But I do do that quite a lot. I hope other people do that. No, no, no. I don't think anyone else does that. No, I think they do. No, no, no, no. I think I should do. Jesus.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a story about my mum. Thankfully, she doesn't listen to the podcast. She'd be fuming if she heard I'd sent this in Oh My mum was born in the 1960s In a hospital in Dublin My nan and grandad lived in a small town

About 40 minutes away from the hospital There was another family who lived on the same road as them Who had a baby girl in the same hospital A few days after my mum was born. Both baby girls were given the same first name. I won't say the real name, but let's pretend they were called Mary. Got you. My nan stayed in the hospital for a week and was sent home.

The doctors told my nan they had decided to keep my mum in longer and she was kept in hospital for another three weeks. Oh, so baby's in hospital. Right. The mam's gone home. Right. The other lady had her baby, Mary,

were discharged after a week and they went home. Right. So the other lady who lives in the streets had her baby. She's gone home with her kid but the baby of hers

is left to the mam. Yeah. The mam's left her baby in for three weeks. It's the 60s, babes. Like. Didn't give a fuck, did they? Just, well,

it was just different then. You just had to do different things. Three, the 60s, babes. Like. Didn't give a fuck, did they? Just, well, it was just different then. You just had to do different things. Three, the baby won a free holiday. Yeah. Be quite nice. Right. When my mum was discharged,

she was brought home in an ambulance. My nan and grandad didn't have a car at the time. The ambulance brought my mum home but they brought her up

to the other house, to the other couple on the road who had the other baby Mary at the same time. Wow. nan. So the ambulance brought my mum down to my nan and grandad's house and explained how they had gotten confused with the two Marys from the same area. This was all fine and my nan and grandad were just glad to have their baby Mary home. My brothers and I are convinced though that the hospital staff had it right and picked baby Mary up, looked at her details and brought her to the right home and that the other couple had been given the wrong baby Mary up, looked at her details and brought her to the right home in that the other couple had been given the wrong baby Mary to bring home in the first place. Jesus!

Now see, who knows? This gets brought up a good bit at family get-togethers and it's usually brushed off that we're just trying to make a big deal out of nothing and the whole situation wasn't as dramatic as we're making out. My question is, have you any stories of your family that are brought up now and again big deal out of nothing and the whole situation wasn't as dramatic as we're making out my question is have you any stories of your family that are brought up now and again that possibly aren't true but everyone just loves telling stories over and over again jesus that's that is so interesting though isn't it so it could be the wrong they could have had a dna test well no i don't think

so they could have been bringing up the wrong kids. The wrong Mary. Because why would the ambulance have gone to the other house? I don't know. So the must... I couldn't rest. No. That would eat away at you. You couldn't just push that away. You would...

I would have to get a test. Yeah. Yeah. Very interesting. It made me think about something, though. What? I don't know if I've talked about this on here, but my grandad, who's passed away now jimmy granddad jimmy absolutely love him you never met

him did you no no he's lush but anyway he was whenever we went on holiday all the locals would like speak to him in spanish or whatever because he just he just looked spanish yeah it's very strange anyway dark hair dark skin yeah yeah yeah yeah so we were always thinking i was like get in yeah a bit of spanish in this like i just found it dead exciting i was like oh late like always thought just interesting do you know what i mean i just think it's really interesting so i've always told everyone that i've met a few months ago my sister kate got a DNA test done for her birthday. Yes. For her husband.

Turns out, absolutely no Spanish. No? Nothing. Not at all? Nothing? What is she? We are... Oh, it's so boring.

I have to hate... I mean, your dad is the whitest man on the planet. Well, I know, but we thought there was an interesting story there because it's winter, so we were like, ooh, that sounds a bit German. Right. Thought I might have had a bit German in me. Yeah.

Now, honestly, we're like, I think we are 50% like English, a bit of Scottish, a bit of Welsh and a tiny bit of Irish. Excellent. Shit. Utter shit. Honestly, I was gutted when Kate told me. And then I said. Honestly, genuinely think that your dad is so white

he just drowned it all out it's all just been drowned out by your dad's whiteness honestly gutted I was your dad's like a chalky he went on my stag do

and everyone just he was wearing like a coat and long trousers and a hat around the pool well he burned yeah oh yeah I'm just

oh honestly I was gutted me and Kate were very very disappointed I even offered to get one done myself but apparently we've got the same DNA Chris I'm embarrassed I've said it for years I think I've actually said

sometimes I pick up languages really well because I'm just so do you want to hear this one that i found a few weeks ago that i haven't brought myself to stay in yet yes okay come on let's cheer everyone up no no it's really grim we'll see it might not stay in but we'll see okay when my partner and i first came back from traveling i moved down from newcastle to be with him in london oh just to clarify this is the second story that this lady has sent. Okay.

The first one's also very good, but we'll do that next week. Ooh. Because it involves poo, and we can't be having too much disgust in us. Fair enough. I moved down from Newcastle, cautioned, to be with him in London. We were living with his mum for a few months while we got back on our feet and found jobs. It was all brilliant. Got you. This was until me and my partner had sex

one evening. Decent sex. Decent breasts. Decent sex. Decent breasts. Decent sex. With decent breasts. Great. In brackets. This is important because bear in mind, I went through all of this for some bang average lay. No, it was good. Okay. It was good. Once we finished,

I did the standard slip off to the loo and freshen up that we all do whilst he sorted himself out. Got you. Okay. He knocked on the bathroom door

all sheepish and proceeded to tell me that the condom had slipped off. I thought, oh God, oh no. Turns out

the condom was actually inside me. I tried to fish it out but shock, the condom was actually inside me. I tried to fish it out, but shockingly, the condom had managed to get stuck on my coil. Oh my god! What's wrong with everyone? I had to call my partner back in. So there I was, laying spread eagle on the bathroom floor, being fingered by my boyfriend as he slouched around trying to rip out a used condom. Still with no luck.

Chris, it gets worse. No. Yep. After a good ten minutes of panic, there was only one more option. I had to wrap a towel around myself, slink downstairs and knock on my boyfriend's mum's bedroom door. Oh! friend's mom's bedroom door oh i explained to her and her husband great what had happened and that i desperately needed help in getting to either the walk-in or a and a to my horror she said let me have a go and then we can decide what to do shut the no way no way so we headed back to

the top floor no she said yes She rolled up her sleeves And said pop your leg up on the sink And as I did She then crouched down on her knees Especially Like a mechanic Essentially she was staring down the barrel of my vagina From the least flattering angle possible

Goodness She then shoved her fingers up my vagina Swirled round, located the condom and proceeded to yank it out with three hard tugs. No! I then heard a plop. Nah. This was the noise of a used condom

filled with her son's semen falling on the tiled floor. I can't. She then stood up, washed her hands, nodded and left me standing naked from the waist down with the condom culprit I can't. Oh my God. Oh my God. I told you it was bad. Oh my God.

That got... That started awful. I know. And it got worse and worse and worse and... i think i'd buy a mother-in-law that i'd rather go to hospital i think i'd rather die no word of a lie if when we were first going out if there was something that happened to us that could only be solved by your mom essentially wanking us off i'd rather die it's not it's not. It wasn't sexual.

Still a thing. Still there. That's awful. I'd rather die. I know, but I think her mum works in the medical profession because there's no way you'd be like, right, come on. Jesus. She's either a vet.

Or a butcher. Or a butcher, yeah. We do this at Christmas all the time when we're getting turkeys and I take all the giblets out. Come here. I know what I'm doing we've got another special question this week

this week it is from drumroll please none other than Carl Hutchinson himself oh for God's sake the man himself is it actually a question? yeah it is actually a question because Carl is doing

the Tyne Theatre in Newcastle I've askedl to curate like a sort of a live at the time theater night which will be streamed to raise funds uh for the time theater it's friday the 3rd of july at 8 p.m uh go on the time theater's website uh they'll have all the details there me and carl will be doing a live chat and i think he's created a whole bill of comedy loads of different stand-up comics it should be great oh that'd be good i mean time theater i did both my specials at the time theater so you know yeah yeah it's a brilliant place um so here's carl's question hello rosie and chris now as you know we've just had father's day

here in the uk and my question to you this week is what's the most pointless day you know obviously your king of holidays is your christmas your easter but what's the one where if somebody goes oh it's such and such today and you go what what's the one where if somebody goes, oh, it's such and such today, and you go, what's the point? Why have you even told us that? What's the matter with you? All right, stay safe. Bye. Lovely question. No, I don't know if it's a lovely question.

I take massive issue with him lumping Easter in with Christmas there. Did he put Easter and Christmas in the same? He went, your king of your holidays is your Christmas and your Easter. Easter's not up there with king of holidays. You're stupid, Carl. I'm not doing your gig anymore because you're stupid. I'll still do the gig. I'd say the most pointless one is probably Troopin' the Colour.

I guarantee you someone listening is raging now and we're going to get an email. What is it? What is it? I don't know. It won't go out of my diary. It won't go. Comes up every year. Yeah.

Battle of the Boyne, Troopin' the Colour. Battle of the Boyne. Do the colour battle of the boing do you know honestly I'm not gonna lie when I first got an iPhone and the battle of the boing I thought I'd put it in

drunk thinking is this like battle of do you know battle of the bands I did I was like is this

where am I going oh Jesus Christ trooping the colour it is one of my favourite things in the world to do is when someone asks if I can do something on a certain date if I check my diary and it's trooping the colour I say no I can't it's trooping the Colour It is one of my favourite things in the world to do Is when someone asks me if I can do something on a certain date

If I check my diary and it's Trooping the Colour I say no I can't, it's Trooping the Colour Oh I haven't got any signal, hang on We need to find out what it is because we take the piss out of it Or every year Just google it here Trooping the Colour is a ceremony performed by regiments of the British and Commonwealth armies It has been a tradition of the British Infantry Regiment

Since the 17th century Although its roots go back to much earlier. On the battlefield, the regiment's colours or flags were used as rallying points. Okay, well that makes it sound a lot more exciting. Who the fuck's it in my diary for? I don't know. Why are Apple going, right, everyone in Britain?

It's that thing of it's an American company, so they've probably looked through the data and went, oh, that's probably quite important. They'll love that. The British will love that. They'll be all over that. That must be their Independence Day. No, it's not.

No one knows what it is. Get it off the phone. We like St. Patrick's Day better than St. George's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll like that. Love Christmas. Easter's gone really mental recently because everyone just loves to do Easter egg hunts for the kids

because they're better parents than we are. One upmanship on Instagram is all Easter eggs is. I think the most pointless one genuinely bonfire night yeah shite shite shite what's the point i know yeah it is shite it's rubbish oh by the way if you've got a cat or a dog they're gonna be gutted for a week yeah definitely yeah you've got a baby that's not getting they're going to be gutted for a week. Yeah. Definitely. You've got a baby, that's not getting asleep. Yeah. Everyone's going to start doing them before then. We've talked about that before. Oh, it's November the 1st.

Yeah, go on then, set them off now. Why? Do you know I once found out how much a big fireworks display costs? Right. And it really upset us. Upset you? Just they're so expensive. Is it upsetting because you knew you'd never be able to afford to do one yourself?

Possibly. Yeah. So expensive. How much? because you knew you'd never be able to afford to do one yourself? Possibly. So expensive. How much? Like a big, big display? Yeah. Like thousands. Really?

Yeah. Are you kidding me? What, like the one they do at New Year in London? Oh, that'll be millions. Jesus. Yeah. That's quite nice though. I mean, who... Take a leaf fireworks.

I've told you this before. Why are we just awful? Why do people go and watch them? People go and stand out in the cold. I can Take a leaf fireworks. I've told you this before. Why are we just awful? Why do people go and watch them? People go and stand out in the cold. I can take a leaf fireworks. Oh. Oh, come on, man. How old are you?

What are you doing? Why are we so miserable? No, I've always had this. Even at my happiest, I said fireworks can fuck off. I said this from day one. The loudness and annoyingness of them, what they look like,

doesn't outweigh that enough. I don't mind a firework. Nah, like I've said before, unless they can do that big one, that transcendent dragon off Lord of the Rings that Gandalf did. Pack it in. Pack it in, you're wasting your time.

Should we bring back Troopin' the Colour instead? Yeah, I bloody love Troopin' the Colour. I can't believe you snagged that off. Once again, thank you so, so much for listening to this week's Shag Maradonoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. As always, guys, thank you so much. We bloody love you.

If you want to get in touch, it's shagmaradonoid at gmail.com. Stay safe, stay sane, and see you next week. I like that. Stay safe, stay sane. I need to remember that. Yeah. Stay sane.

Definitely. You're a hard work to live with at the minute. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right, then. Hard work. All right. Bye. It's dis-ing. Definitely. You're a hard work to live with at the minute. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right, then. Hard work. All right. Bye, guys.

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