Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 71. Dull as dishwater

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

On the podcast this week Rosie and Chris have their weekly catch up and of course The Beefs! They reveal Robin's new term for Rosie and Chris explains why he's getting through so many Birthday Cakes in lockdown. There's skiving off school confessions, a militant Grandmother and a question about toilet seats. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying... 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Gets it gets now.

Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey, who I think, if given the chance, would divorce me, live somewhere with his bike and get married. Yeah, yeah, to me bike. To your bike. I'll get married to my bike.

Got two bikes now. Double bike. Hashtag double bike guy. Selfish. Can I just say to everyone in South Shields, specifically in the North East, no one yet has shouted bike guy at me I just say to everyone in South Shields specifically in the North East no one yet

has shouted bike guy at me while I'm on my bike I know yous have seen us I'm raging I get smiles I get waves

you know who I am you know I'm bike shout bike guy or I'm gonna kick right off right firstly that's the most arrogant thing I've

ever heard in my life and secondly why do you assume everyone listens to the podcast yes we've got 30 million downloads but let's not

brag about it maybe not in South China Sea I'm saying I'm saying it into the podcast so I'm not I'm shouting at the

people who are listening to it for not saying hello to us if you don't listen to the podcast you won't have heard what I just

said what so you're saying don't assume everyone listens to the podcast. I'm not assuming everyone listens to the podcast. I'm assuming the people who are listening to my voice now are listening to the fucking podcast. Yeah, but they might not all say you're on your bike.

Yeah, but the ones who do need to up the fucking game. Well, maybe it's none of the... Oh, yeah. Right. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. It's episode... No, this is still the intro.

It's episode 71, guys. Thank you, as always. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all of that stuff. We'll love it. We'll love that you keep coming back and the reason, let's be honest we've got an hour or whatever of stuff coming but the reason you keep coming back is for the lucrative lucrative sponsors.

I'll stop you now. It's not because of that. It's because of the shit hot topics. Content. People skip this. Nah. They do I won't have it That little 30 second button It doesn't appear

It doesn't appear until later on Skipty skip Nah Alright crack on This week's look at our sponsor is Hot dogs I had to go on your laptop For the word hot dogs

Did you forget No Did you forget No there's a bit of a script I've been sent Hot dogs Okay great Hot dogs

Hey You've been sent A bit of script Okay, great. Hot dogs. Hey. You've been sent. A bit of script. I got sent by hot dogs. By the people. The people with hot dogs. The sent is approved by lawyers and everything. Oh, right.

Great. Hot dogs. Hey, what are they? No one knows. Are they nice? Sometimes. No, they are nice. Sometimes.

Do they ever fit in the bun? Never. No. Very rarely. Why are they stored in some kind of water? sometimes no they are nice sometimes do they ever fit in the bun never no very rarely why are they stored in some kind of water no one knows briny

how long do they stay in date for literally fucking years look at the sell by date you'll shit yourself is this is this come about because we bought

hot dogs yesterday in a vacuum packed packet on a shelf not in a fridge on a shelf and i was a little bit hesitant to buy them yeah i was even more hesitant to buy them when i seen that they didn't go out of date for three years yeah but we i mean we ate them and they were delicious absolute coincidence because i got sent this script yesterday from hot dogs oh so total total coincidence total coincidence hot dogs yeah what are they no one knows they're delicious hot dogs. Oh. So total coincidence. Total coincidence. What are hot dogs? Yeah. What are they?

No one knows. They're delicious. Hot dogs. Nature's mystery. Do you know what? That's the tagline. Speaking of hot dogs. Nature's mystery. Nature's mystery.

Nature's offcuts. What animal is it? Don't know. But it's definitely not a dog. That's all you need to know. Could be. No, it's not. Who knows?

That's slander. I'll get them on. They'll be on to you. Oh, great. Hot dogs. Can't wait. Do you know what I'll get them on. They'll be on to you. Oh, great. Hot dogs. Can't wait. Do you know what I had for the first time? What?

A few years ago. What? A chilli dog. Right. Oh, hey. Is that a hot dog with chilli on? Hot dog with chilli on. Good grief.

Changed my life. It was absolutely beautiful. Sounds like I'll have to eat it in the bath. Sounds messy. I need to wash my face just thinking about it. It was a bit messy. It was nice, though. It was on bonfire night.

What? I've got anything. Dunno. Hot dogs available all year, especially bonfire night. Nature's mystery. Are you done? Yes. Okay, here's the jingle.

We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, Jingle, so this is the jingle. Jingle, we hope you like the jingle. Jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to... Anyway, welcome back to this week's episode. I'm a scatman. Anyway, welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmire Denoised.

Other more professional podcast setups would have started again there, because that was literally right at the beginning of the bit. We just kept going. What are you going to do? We are not Louis Theroux. Yeah. I love Louis Theroux, so that's not a dig. It's just a lot more professional.

It's not a dig. It's a compliment, Louis. It's a compliment. And you definitely don't listen to this. But yes, we're next in the charts. Hiya. You know who we are, though? Who?

Louis Theroux. Well, he probably looks and thinks, who are those two? Who are them? Northern chumps. Fucking idiots who are just next to me in the charts, lowering my tone. Sorry, mate.

Sorry, Lou. Love you. Watched all your documentaries you might come and do a documentary where he lives with us that would be good just lives with her can you i can imagine me and you arguing and trying to get him to be like louis isn't she right isn't it and he would do that thing where he goes really quiet you just stand there saying nothing and we'd be raging at each other we'd probably he'd probably send us into some sort of cave man and woman. Ah, like we'd regress.

Yeah, we'd go backwards. I think he could make us kill each other. Yeah. Yeah, I think he could actually make us murder each other. That'd be fun. That'd be interesting. So anyway. Just one thing there on the intro when you said bonfire night.

I just remembered something. We were on the Zoom the other day. And comedians. Who was on the Zoom? You and the lads. Me and the comedians comedians Carl Hutchinson Jason Cooke Scott Bennett Phil Ellis all on my zoom all great comics

check them out when the world is spinning again when you do stand up right when you do it on the sort of circuit especially

they do it at the Edinburgh Festival quite a lot so if ticket sales are down they'll always pick like the Edinburgh Festival is notorious

if ticket sales are down for your gig it'll always be like oh well it's raining oh it is a Wednesday oh such and such is on they'll always try and pick me down for your gig it'll always be like oh well it's raining oh oh it is a wednesday oh the such and such is on they always try and pick things right now when you do a live gig they do the same kind of things on the circuit like if the crowd's

a bit ropey they'll be like oh well you know the the champions league was on last night so people probably went out and watched that so they didn't come tonight there's always really serious reasons it's called trying to make yourself feel better yeah yeah so one of the lads reminded us of a gig they were at and they were waiting backstage to go on and the compere went out and he didn't have a great time apparently you know it wasn't anything to do with him a crowd were a little bit ropey it was a bit weird apparently he walked back in and like pointed at the crowd and went bonfire night as if that made like a massive difference oh because it was bonfire night so as if that made like a massive difference oh because it was bonfire so as if that affected the crowd like oh they're in here they want to be watching fireworks and fucking raging these

bonfire night the seven-year-old in the he's gutted he's gutted really hard to do jokes when they're all waving sparklers around writing their names in the air really really hard that so actually speaking of bonfire night you know we slagged it off last week always I always slag it off somebody messaged in saying really gutted

that you slagged off bonfire night because it's my birthday as well and I thought well there's two things I don't give a shit about honestly

that is so good it's amazing when people complain about stuff I say they're offended about stuff because they make it so personal to them we didn't know it was your birthday you fucking idiot can't believe you know like It's amazing when people complain about stuff or say they're offended about stuff because they make it so personal to them.

You're like, we didn't know it was your birthday, you fucking idiot. Whoever you are. I can't believe you don't like Bonfire Night. That's my birthday. Although now, now when I slag off Bonfire Night,

in my head, I can now be double chuffed about it because I can also go, it's Bonfire Night, which I hate, and it's that twat's birthday who emailed in. So that's double perfect. Also as well,

just backtracking a little bit, Troop in the Colour. Yeah. It's to celebrate the Queen's birthday as well. Okay. Two of the fuckers she's got. She Also as well, just backtracking a little bit, Trooping the Colour. Yeah. It's to celebrate the Queen's birthday as well. Okay. Two of the fuckers she's got. She's got two, yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, not having that leg. Well, good for that. Two things I hate. Pancake Day. We didn't really have a go at Pancake Day. I like pancakes, you see. Nah, nah.

So I'll say, I'm just as bad as everyone else. Don't know I like pancakes. That can stay. No. And I'm Catholic as well. So it all ties together. That came second. Fucking hell.

That was an afterthought. Honestly. How dare you? You're a disgrace. I'm ashamed of you. Sorry. I'm going to throw holy water at you. I think you'll burn.

How dare you? After this podcast probably I well we feel a bit more cheery today a bit more cheery yeah no we are

yeah yeah I mean I've been really depressed yeah this week but the podcast I leave it all at the door yeah

this is me therapy well I've realised what my the level of my depression's at do you know what level my depression's at? what? how I measure it

okay I'm on a birthday cake a week you are you are I'm on a birthday cake a week. You are. You are. I'm on a birthday cake a week. You really are. No one knows what that means.

I go to the shop when I go to the supermarket. You know, you might yourself, dear listener, you might go and get like a little pack of cookies or something or you get a little chocolate bar.

I get a birthday cake every time. Just get a birthday cake. Do you know what I hate? What? I buy one as well sometimes. When Rosie goes to the shop without it,

she'll buy a birthday cake and bring it back. I'll tell you why, right? I'll tell you why. Cafes are shut still as of the time of recording this podcast.

Hopefully they're going to open this weekend. And you go to a cafe, I haven't been to a cafe or anywhere to sit down and eat for weeks, obviously, since the beginning of this all happened.

Yeah, a slice of cake in a cafe. Just a slice, you know. Probably £3.50 or something like that. I know. Little birthday cake. Little nondescript, the little white birthday cakes. Like six quid. Six quid?

It's about four slices. Honestly. Four slices? There's about ten slices in there. Yeah. Normal slices. But, you know, in a cafe, you get a big door wedge. They're massive, yeah.

Ooh, honestly. Birthday cake a week sometimes I even have them with custard whatever's getting you through it is do you know what I mean yeah I'm on season 10

of Real Housewives of Atlanta sick of that by the way well I know but I love it so well I'm glad you enjoy it and my accent has changed dramatically in your head

I can tell when you've been watching about the insults I get ciao yeah it's loads hmm it's loads. It's great, I love it. I've had a bit of a rough week.

Rough week, yeah. I told you about this, but I'm just going to tell the listeners now. Okay. So, I had a bath the other day. Yeah.

In the bath upstairs, which we don't usually go in because we've got a bath downstairs. Anyway, I went upstairs in the bath and, you know, because I'm a grammar, an active grammar.

Active grammar, yeah. Instagrammer. I thought, you know what, I'm going to put a picture of me in the bath. It didn't go well, did it? It did not go well at all. You may not have seen this, dear listener. She's removed it now, but carry on.

So, put a picture of me in the bath. Had me bath. Watched Real Housewives of Atlanta on the iPad. I was in there about 20 minutes. It was a long bath. Got out the bath. Had me bath. Watched Real Housewives of Atlanta on the iPad. I was in there about 20 minutes. It was a long bath. Got out the bath. Had a few messages. Rosie, you can see yourself in the reflection in the plug.

Rosie, you can see. First one I got was you can see yourself in the tiles. Right, okay. Okay, so I looked back at the picture. Yeah. And I was like, no, you can't. Yeah. I even, I feel a bit ashamed.

I messaged the person the person back going you can't what are you talking about you didn't tell us that I did yeah I did I feel a bit bad actually wow

so I kept it on and then I got a couple of more saying it's in the plug thing right tits and all not not vag

but tits no vag thankfully thankfully there was loads of bubbles yeah and I don't normally use that many bubbles Not vag, but tits. No vag, thankfully. Thankfully, there was loads of bubbles. And I don't normally use that many bubbles. Thank the Lord, there was loads of bubbles. So, first of all, I'm annoyed on two levels.

First of all, you're using too much bubble bath, by the sounds of things. That stuff's not cheap, right? Secondly, you're not wearing that all-in-one bath suit I bought you to keep your modesty. Damn it. I'm really annoyed at that. Sorry, Chris. you're not wearing that all in one bath suit I bought you to keep your modesty damn it I'm really annoyed at that sorry Chris that Amish

bath that Amish bath onesie I bought you the waterproof waterproof bath onesie the big waterproof I'll never do that again I'm sorry about that

unbelievable throwing money down the drain wow honestly I mean that'll probably go a Victorian changing garment yeah so

a lot of people saw my tits the other day great but they didn't even look good Chris I've got okay boobs I'm quite chuffed with my boobs

they're not too bad but they looked horrific in this picture can I just say everyone in this whole smile world every single listener now is going to see

what I'm going to see at you right now yeah you've got real decent breasts. Thank you. Your decent breasts. Your decent breasts. Thank you so much.

So there you go. But they didn't look good on Instagram and I've took it down now. Right. Okay. Well, I'm glad you got some attention

for the day. Did you apologise to the person who you basically slagged off? No. Right, good. But she was wrong. It wasn't in the tiles.

Oh, you know, picking. She was wrong because it wasn't in the tiles. Oh, you know, picking. She was wrong because it wasn't in the tiles. I did get a lot of messages off people saying that similar had happened to them. Great. Shall I read a few out? Right. So, it was quite comforting actually.

Hi Rosie. I didn't see the pic of you in the bath, but I'm sure you looked amazing. I mean, that's very, very kind. This is disgusting. I'm going to be sick. Who is this? Please don't worry about it. I can assure you that the mortified feeling

does go away it has gone away now yeah I'm over it now gotta own it yeah I once got up I mean

I don't think this person has 500,000 followers right which is you know it's a little bit more mortifying and it was on for 20 minutes 20 minutes

you get high interactions it was a good 40,000 people probably saw it great it's not great um i once got up out of bed very hungover looked in the mirror walked to the bathroom pulled pulled down my knickers all the while on facebook live wow yeah wow it was only because my friend saw and called me that the six watchers only got to see a shot of my hungover face So I thought that was quite funny. Who's clicking on that and then watching it? I don't know how it ended up even happening, if I'm honest.

I mean, that's like when someone arse dials me, I always just, if they accidentally phone us, I will just hang it up immediately. But some people sit and listen. Oh, yeah. So if someone accidentally FaceTimes you, I'll go, oh, shit, I'm not supposed to say this. But some people are like, go on, know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So if someone accidentally FaceTimes you, I'll go, oh, shit, I'm not supposed to say this, but some people are like,

go on, get your skanky knickers out. Six perverts. There's another one here that somebody sent me to make me feel better. One of my oldest friend's sister is my brother's girlfriend. So that's just a thing. One of my oldest friend's sister

is my brother's girlfriend. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So the other day, my brother and his girlfriend were looking after my friend's dog for her got you my dad went over to drop something off for them and the dog ran out of the door and bit him on his knee not savage but enough to break the skin oh i know so my dad sent me a picture of the bit knee and my friend text me to say she was mortified we had a bit of a laugh about it and I forwarded her the pic of my dad

that he'd sent me of his knee. Got you. Only after sending it to her did I realise that my dad must have been sat on the loo when he took the pic because faintly in the background I could see his entire penis. So she essentially sent her friend

a dick pic from her dad. Phenomenal. I was traumatized. Luckily, mine and my friend's conversation was on WhatsApp, so I was able to delete dad's dick pic before she saw it. Wow. Oh, I love that. That's great.

Speaking of trauma, Robin gave her a lovely little surprise in the middle of the night, the other night. He did indeed. Yeah. Especially you. Well, I had been, so we got a curry, didn't we? Yes, we did get a curry. We got a curry from a local place in South Shears. It was lovely.

And Robin had a chicken curry. He did. He's four and he actually had chicken curry and I was very proud. Can we talk about how canny it was when he was eating it that it was he was like it's really spicy mammy

we didn't stop eating it he just had three gallons of water he was literally mammy get some water it was like man versus food yeah it's just

it was a plain chicken curry it wasn't spicy he didn't actually have any sauce he just had like three bits of chicken he didn't have a bit of the sauce a bit of a waste of money actually I'll be doing that again

I beg your pardon, I had it for my dinner the next day. Oh, did you? Oh, that's fair enough. You do that every time. All right, okay. I'll have you know. My word.

And so he had that and there was part of us thinking, should a four-year-old have that? But his constitution is amazing. I mean, he's eaten mussels since he was a kid. So I was, and then he just wanted water all the time. Yeah.

Because he'd had like poppadoms and stuff and he was thirsty. And I mean, we're terrible parents. And I was, I just had this idea that he was going to be sick in his sleep. And he came in our bedroom in the middle of the night and we put a little pillow in the middle. And then I rolled over about five in the morning. I glanced at his pillow and I was like, oh, there's a pattern on that pillow. What pillow is that?

Strange. Looks like sort of flowers, like dark red flowers. Rolled over. Then I was like, we don flowers, like dark red flowers. Rolled over, then I was like, we don't have a dark red flower pillow. So I turned over and I looked and I was like, what the heck is this? And I thought immediately, Curry, he's been sick. You know, we're going to have to get rid of him

because he can't handle these curries. He's not a Ramsey. He's an imposter. I had a sniff of it at five in the morning. I don't know why. Did you sniff it? Yeah, I leant in and sniffed it. It was the first thing I did.

I sniffed it because I couldn't. That's weird. Well, I was half asleep. I didn't even know if it was there why didn't you turn the light on because i had to walk yous both up i mean didn't stop you waiting us up anyway but afterwards yeah and i want to assess the situation i had a sniff i was that doesn't smell so i just whipped the pillow off him and just left him there went to the bathroom big massive blodgers of blood yeah huge splodges of blood had a nosebleed in the middle of the night. Terrifying. We've missed him ever since.

I came back through to you and I was like, what the, there's blood all over his pillow. You were like, check his ears. Like half asleep, not knowing what was going on. Ruined that pillow. Oh, that chucked away. Now this is what I haven't told you. You took the foam insert out of the pillow.

Then you tried to clean that foam pillow in the bath and it all just fell apart. It was like this soaked and half fallen falling apart pillow have you noticed it's gone from the bath oh did you move it so i got rid of it yeah but it was soaking wet so i couldn't carry it through the house without like putting it in some plastic bags where'd you put it so instead of putting in some plastic bags and i hope none of the neighbors saw i just opened the bathroom window and threw it onto the drive no you didn't i was like i'll put it in these carrier bags i'm wasting carrier bags this is terrible i'd save the

environment so i just opened the window where is it now it's in the it's in the bin i threw it like over the orangery and onto the and onto the drive yeah and it was and i was such a busy body oh did you a favor no i know but know, but I mean, to be fair, I didn't even realise it had gone. You're a disgrace. But I would have moved it. Unbelievable. You're such a busybody.

Honestly. But just to let you know, Robin is fine. It was just a nosebleed. Just a nosebleed brought on by... Probably from his curry. No, brought on by dry air, apparently. Look, it's not curry. You can handle his curry.

He's not a Ramsey. Speaking of Robin, our little boy, have you noticed this week what he's been calling me quite often Rosie no oh no

he's got her yeah dull dull she keeps calling us dull out of nowhere I'm not behind this mammy you are so dull

I'm not behind this I don't know where he's got it from oh you're not because where's he got that from dull's not dull isn't a word I would go to you can tell by how funny I think it is it's not a word I would have to. You can tell by how funny I think it is.

It's not a word I would have went to. Well, I was very shocked by this and I thought, you know, he doesn't know what it means. He's heard it somewhere and he's thought it's a naughty word because he's obsessed with swear words

at the minute. Yeah. And I've just thought, he just doesn't know what it is. So I went, I went, oh, well, okay then. That's fair enough.

I went, do you know, do you know what dull means? Without missing a beat. It means you're boring. It's like, thank you. Well, he's a clever kid. Thesaurus.

He knows exactly what's going on. So who's, someone's been calling me dull behind my back. Rosie, can I just tell you, if it was from me, it wouldn't be dull. I'd have picked anything else. Yeah, lazy, stupid, born idle, messy, untidy. But but not all shite at stuff a bitch any of them but not the biggest i'd rather be all of them oh wow wow yeah huge mistake made any of them yeah sitting on your top podcast your biggest mistake of your life 50% mine 50% mine

oh hey tell you what dull honestly he's got no idea has he little does he know he's got a point

I'm so excited do you know what it is he's bang on at the minute like I'm dull as dishwater well can I just point out to the dear listener now that you are currently sitting with a shawl

on your lap so never has a duller thing happened and a blanket on your lap yeah you've got a shawl on you while doing it. So, never has a duller thing happened. And a blanket on my lap. Yeah, you've got a shawl on round you and a blanket on your lap. Have you got slippers on? I have got slippers on. You've got slippers on as well.

Dull as dishwater. Damn it. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello there. Is that Mr. Christopher Ramsey that I've gotten through to here? Oh, what's happening here? Now then, now then. Is this a new... Hello. Hello there. Hello, hello, hellosey that I've gotten through to here? Oh, what's happening here? Now then, now then. Is this a new...

Hello. Hello there. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, for fuck's sake. My name is PC Plod. Plod, you went with Plod. That's my name. PC Paul Plod.

Paul Plod. PP. PP. PP. PC PP. PP. PP. PPP? PCPP?

PPP. I'm calling you from the Hackleberry Finn police station near Hackleberry. Right, yeah. I'm just calling regarding an incident last week. This accent. You really sprung this upon me, actually. I wasn't going to do this this week, i started so i'll finish um yeah so i'm calling regarding an incident that happened last week with one of our residents yeah in our sheltered sheltered

accommodation right yeah mrs belinda beef This is terrible. Come on. I've been told that you were on the line whilst this altercation happened with her son, Mr. Barrier Spieth. Oh, Barrier! Is this correct, Christopher? Right, yeah, I do remember this, yes.

Well, thankfully, nothing serious happens. Good, good. She is down a few pes Well, thankfully nothing serious happens. Good, good. She is down a few pesetas, we've been told. But everything other than that is all right. I just wanted to know, just to tick it off my list, is everything okay, Lauren? This is... The worst, yes.

I should have wrote a script not gonna lie pick a different name pick a different accent listen um it's a very popular name within the squads

PC Plod squad Plod squad um everything's fine yes okay I liked

although I would like to put some kind of injunction against the entire B family so none of them can fall in or get in contact well listen I can I can send you

to a different department. Unfortunately, I do not deal with that myself. There'll be someone getting in touch with you next week regarding your induction. I've set another one.

Have a lovely day. Oh, God. All right. Drugs are for mugs. Yeah. Just drink. Right. Thank you very much.

Goodbye. Now then, now then. Oh, fuck, fuck,'s sake so not only did i have to put up with that and i've got i'm just apologized to this now i've now set up another one for next week what happened last week the police are involved because this is serious this is serious this family tell you what i wouldn't want to be around you see what i live with everyone you see what I live with honestly like you might think this is for the podcast

but now and then around the house you get in a stupid mood and does something like this and you can't make it stop you've just got to let it run its course honestly you guys are lucky

because you can skip that what just happened I had to fucking sit through that Jesus what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef beef

beef it up what's your beef do you want me to go first yeah your beef? Beef. Beef it up. What's your beef? Do you want me to go first? Yeah, you go first. Okay, my beef with you this week is, as you've probably noticed, I hope you have noticed, we are currently in the middle of a global pandemic.

What? Yeah. It's very important at the moment to keep your self hygiene, personal hygiene. Yeah. You know, wash your hands, hand sanitize, wear masks, etc.

Yeah. Okay, cool. You say you're all over it. All right. Can you tell me why you keep watering down the hand soap in the bathroom? Because I don't think this is the right time to be doing that. Right, just to get the last little bits out. No, it's not how it works, Chris.

Right. It's not how it works. You can't be watering down soap during a global pandemic. This is the one time where you can't be a cheapskate and you might just not get to eek out the most of that soap. Do you wet your hands before you wash them? Yes. I put a tiny bit of water in, I shake it about, I squirt that straight in

I don't put the tap on I just use that that is my water to wet the hands well you didn't tell me how to do that well you should have

worked it out yourself PC I still think I still think it's ridiculous stop watering it down I'm well stocked up on hand soap right

okay okay stop it you know what it is I will accept this beef because it is also in the realm of public safety I'll take it

right fair enough stop it congratulations I'm lying down and letting you have that beef thank you you ready

just want to quickly oh god relish in this moment Jesus okay thank you I was relished enough that was good

I feel good actually never knew what a relish sounded like that's it that's it Okay, thank you. I was relished enough. Oh, good. I feel good, actually. Never knew what a relish sounded like. That's it. That's it. My beef with you this week is, I went to that London last week. Yeah, you did. I was hosting the one show all week.

Week off life, that's what I would call that. Yeah, working. Hardly. Hardly. The show's half an hour long. Aye, it's every night though it's got a lot of segments in it so you do about 12 minutes of presenting on that show

pathetic I was away for a week whilst away and since I've been back you have openly admitted to me something I've had a suspicion about for years you openly admitted to me

that when I am here, you do fuck all. You openly admitted. You said, Chris, when you're not here, I just do stuff. I get up. I fetch things. I clean things.

I tidy things. But Chris, when you're here, I just don't bother. I just sit on me arse. I didn't say that. I've known it for years and you finally admitted it. Finally.

Listen, I love you. That's hold hands. I do love you. No, but I do love you and it's really nice and I'm happy to be married to you. But I'm just better

when you're not here. Wow. No, I am. Wow. I work better. Got a little system going. You get in me way. You get in me way. So your answer is to just do fuck all because. You get in me way. You get in me way.

So your answer is to just do fuck all because I slightly get in your way? No, because you'll just do it anyway. You are the epitome of busybody. Yeah, you'll do it. Mate. Just don't do it because bloody muggins will do it. Exactly. Unbelievable.

Well, it's true. Well, glad you admitted it for all the people to listen to. I'm glad too. Scum. How does that make me scum? Because it does. Because you're a busybody. I'm not pulling your weight.

No, you would just do it anyway. So I just think, well, let him do it. Why should I waste my time? Do it first. Why should I do it all? Do it first. Why should I take the bins out when Chris will just take the bins out?

There's no... Like, why? Do you know what I mean? Honestly, that pillow would still be in that bath up there now. Not causing any harm. If it wasn't for me... No one would see it.

It's a bloodstained, knackered fucking memory-sworn pillow, and it would now be your bath pillow. You would just lie on it while you were in there. Tell you what, it might have covered me tits or my neck. I blame you for that. Could have used that pillow. Saved me brushes. Fair point.

Tell you what. See? Gets you nowhere, this life that you brushes. Fair point. I'll tell you what. See? Get you nowhere, this. This life that you lead. Fair enough. Let's shake. I'll do it. I'll do it.

Okay. It's time for questions from the public. And the Q's from the Pews. And the Pews with the Q's. And the Q can be seen to be G. Oh, very nice. Thank you. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it is shagmar. Oh, very nice. Thank you. As always, guys,

if you want to get in touch, it is shagmaridanoid at gmail.com. Again, I don't want to repeat it all the time and make it sound insincere, but we are so,

so happy that you're still getting in touch by your thousands. Even during this time, you're taking the time to message us and ask more questions and give us stuff.

We genuinely love it. Thank you so, so much. Thank you. And a massive thank you so far to everyone who has had stuff read out and things before as well because you

genuinely, you make this podcast, you help me this podcast what it is and we can't thank you enough. So shagmoringloader gmail.com if you want to get in touch.

I want to say that too, genuinely, because I just can't believe people still listen to us rambling on week after week. So thank you so much. Thank you.

Love yous. Okay, this first question here I've done the questions this week by the way guys it's so nice when someone else does the questions

I know it really is lovely when you do the questions I've got what I've got now is I've got the rest of this podcast surprise and to be entertained this is great

and to react shall I put on a Cilla Black accent no more accents thank you surprise surprise no no no no no and that wasn't I don't know what that was

it sounded like boar rat I know right this this one is a little bit covid related lovely so you know

sticking with the times just what we need sorry just to drag you on back what's that I thought this the other day I keep crying but then they pull me back

just when I thought I was out they pull me back yeah godfather 3 I like doing quotes but I was out, they pull me back. Yeah. Yeah, Godfather 3. Yeah. Do you... I like doing quotes, but I never know what they are to the letter or to the word. I don't know them very well, but I like to do them.

Right. Do you know, it's like sayings. You know I like to do sayings and stuff, but I never fully know what they are. Yes, yes. Kill two birds with one stone, that kind of thing. I know that one off by heart. I know that one really well again guys

this is what I live with yeah when I was doing the questions last week it was strange because I wanted to go really far back and read questions

but then some of them I was angry why well I was angry that they were sent from someone who didn't know about all this

because it was from the past you know what I mean there were like things like I was in a restaurant the other day I was like fuck you and I was just skipping the questions

like happy remember when we were happy yeah well this will cheer you up because it's quite You know what I mean? There were things like, I was in a restaurant the other day. I was like, fuck you. I was just skipping the question. Like happy. Remember when we were happy? Yeah. I remember. Anyway, well, this will cheer you up because it's quite, it's COVID related, but it made me chuckle.

Okay. Because there was two people during COVID. There was two ways of dealing with COVID. Yes, yes, yes. And this is not us. Got you. Let's put it that way.

Let's go. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please may I remain anonymous for this story? it that way. Let's go. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please may I remain anonymous for this story? We'll see. Me and my best friend, who grew up together up north. Oh, nice. Both 27, sorry, live together in London now. And as it's just the two of us during lockdown,

a top floor flat with no garden. Oh, bless us. Oh, bless. Have become incredibly codependent. This means we have scheduled family time video calls with both families. And this week's call with my housemate's family was slightly odd. As her mum and dad, who live in the same house, usually peer on a call together. But last week they joined separately.

Thinking nothing of it, we chatted away with her sister, no problem. So they're normally on the call with her sister no problem so they're normally on the yeah they're sitting next to each other yes but they're not separate separate rooms separate calls okay later that you're gonna love this right later that night we found out why my housemate received a drunken message from her dad explaining that her mum and dad were in the Excellent. He said that whilst checking on their caravan, my housemate's mum saw an old friend, we will call her Betty, and... gave her a hug. Ah.

Dot Dot gave her a hug. Ah. Her dad could not believe this blatant spur-of-the-moment thoughtlessness and disregard of social distancing and therefore has now enforced a seven-day separation. Go on, son. He has insisted they live separately in different parts of their three-bed house for the next week. To make matters worse, he also took to Facebook and announced he will be enforcing a two-meter rule

despite Boris's loosening of the rules and reinforcement of his views came in the encouragement from his friend implying people who can't follow the rules will see the laws of natural selection pretty soon. Wow. Me and my friend are saying this is a very stubborn funny argument as her mum is refusing to talk to her dad now after his enforced seven day separation in the same house and facebook shaming her wow her dad who usually does the cooking is now cooking for himself alone fucking hell this guy rules with an iron fist I know big question here is her dad right

to be so critical or was this just a silly mistake and he should let it go and Chris what would you do if Rosie hugged an old friend

I am just so jealous that this man's got so much power in his own house I'd give anything for that kind of power you don't fucking

listen to me neither does Robin I'm enforcing a ban oh yeah i could well you're in the spare room dickhead not me chris i'd be quite glad of a ban right now if we didn't have to co-parent we'd have we'd have been separate rooms ages ago doing all this um i just oh god again you don't want to go it'll be fine because you'll just get emails going, how dare you? But I love that he Facebook shamed her. I think it's the Facebook shaming. And don't get me wrong, it's really hard because you shouldn't really be hugging strangers right now.

It must have just been muscle memory. Yeah. You can't forget about it. Some people are putting their head in the sand so much. And I don't watch the news loads. And I put my head in the sand. And there are moments when some days i can get up and i can get a good half an hour and then go oh fuck yeah it's a panda like i can just get on me day yeah and they are nice quite nice little moments so she must have just had one she's just forgot i think you're

totally right i think it is muscle memory yeah and i think as as brits especially we are so programmed to be overly well-mannered that I'm finding it really hard. When I see people in the shops or something or in the street at the minute, I'm like, hello, hey, hey. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so I think you should let this one slide. I think he's being a little bit overdramatic about it. Well, I've got to say, I admire his resolve. I'm impressed that he's got that much power in his house. I'm impressed she's listening. I'd like to know what the setup is. He's not cooking our meals anymore. That's cold.

I know. That's cold. I mean, he could cook them and leave, if it was the other way around, he could cook them and just leave them at our door like a prison. No, he's raging. He is raging that she's...

He'll be one of the ones who, in the supermarket, like, hides when they say you're coming. Have you not noticed that there's kind'll be one of the ones who in the supermarket like hides when they say you're coming have you not noticed that there's there's kind of no middle ground anymore in public yeah when you go in the supermarket and stuff there's either people who are like hiding don't make eye contact i'll catch it yeah or can i have that chewing gum when you're finished with it yeah i told you about the woman in tesco didn't i I? No. She was on the self-scanner before me and I was obviously stood back on the lines. She turned around and went to leave and just coughed. It wasn't like a bad...

I think it had something in her throat, but it didn't cover her mouth or nothing. I was just like, is this...? Yeah. I mean, that's bad before this. That's bad in general. Yeah. People who just cough randomly in public, awful,

who don't cover their mouths it's the people who I've had in the past I've had people cough into their hand like oh hello mate and then stick their hand

out to shake it and I'm like mate how are you and it's the straight out of the toilet wiping their hands on their leg handshake

Chris Ramsey good to meet you no let's not have they washed their hands I don't know but they've touched the toilet door I've always been a bit like this a bit strange do you know what i mean yeah this this is second nature

to you transferable of dirt and transferable germs is always my thing yeah i want to know where it's going and where it ends up and i play it out in my head so i can get my head around it a bit more i mean i'm not like this guy i'm not gonna lock you away for seven days although i bloody love to i know but. But I actually think you, remember that advert where, I think it was for like a cleaning product, I can't remember exactly what it was, but she put a bit of chicken on the bench and it was like,

yeah, loads of, I hated that advert so much. No, but then it was like bright colour and I think that's how you see the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see the German and I see where it ends up. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you hate that? I thought it was quite a good advert. Well, she rubbed a manky bit of chicken, it just made us want to be sick. She rubbed a manky bit of chicken it just made us want to be sick she rubbed a manky bit I remember it it was about

it was slagging off dishcloths wasn't it it was like your dishcloth's full of germs and she just had a fucking chicken breast and she was just she was wiping it on the Bairns high chair

that was the advert wasn't it I'm sure it was a dental advert it was minging a bit of chicken I guess you were it was literally because that was the joke the joke was

whatever you've just wiped is in your dishcloth and so it was like now it wasn is in your dishcloth all right and so it was like now it wasn't even a dishcloth anymore it was a monkey bit of chicken and she was just rubbing it on a high chair the kids faces i don't love to be in that meeting what's the worst thing you could have on your dishcloth oh germs oh a chicken breast a raw chicken breast great great yes yes yes we're going with that roger yeah this is uh this is roger guys he's just came A chicken breast. A raw chicken breast. Great. Great. Yes. Yes.

Yes. We're going with that, Roger. Great. This is Roger, guys. He's just came out of prison and joined the team. What was your idea, Roger? A chicken. Just rubs a raw chicken.

Okay, Roger. You go and get yourself a coffee when you get rid of Roger. Yeah. He's vegan now, actually. Roger's not fitting in on the team. You're invited to an immersive listening party

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Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Bah! Hi, guys. Listening to your childhood school stories, here's one for you. I only ever skived off once and got caught out. As I said, I'd had a doctor's appointment in the morning,

only for my dad to pick me up for a dentist appointment in the afternoon. What a div. Same day. The same day. Wow. The receptionist questioned my dad, in brackets, the receptionist was my auntie, by the way. Brilliant.

So my question is, have you ever skived off school or what's the worst thing you did at school? And that's from Rob. Oh, right. Well. Have you? I never skived. Me neither.

Too scared of it. Hey, high five. Yeah, losers. Losers. Losers with full attendance. Losers with a yellow attendance certificate. 100%. I never got 100 i never

got 100 because you're a wimp have i never told you i always pretended to be poorly have i not told you about the uh there was a few things i remember that have sparked me memory here um in my junior school a lad got a hundred percent attendance certificate for the full juniors no way one lad he was in the year above me. I remember the assembly. He got 100% for the four years of junior school. He got a £20 WH Smith's voucher. That's nice.

Now I was nine years old. That was cash, cash, money. Cash, cash, money, money. That was big. Yeah. Yeah, that was big news. I once, I remember I had DT. So I think I was in in I must have been in year

in year 7 and year 8 were in the same class as then year 9 we all went in with separate sort of sets my form class had this really awful male contingent in them

there was a few lads in that form class who were just dicks okay and if you were off for a morning if you're off for a full day you were not good but even in one morning i remember being off i had a dentist appointment a doctor's appointment i came to dt none of the lads speaking was in the class why because there were fucking knobs absolute knobs

well they're your friends uh a couple of them were but then they would just follow the so they wouldn't speak to you because you're off in the morning something would happen something would happen someone would talk about you they'd slag you off while you were gone they'd be like he's not here they'd all slag you off and then it'd be like let's not speak to him because you were off in the morning. Something would happen. Someone would talk about you. They'd slag you off while you were gone. They'd be like, he's not here. They'd all slag you off. And then it'd be like, let's not speak to him when he gets in. And they wouldn't speak to us. That's really sad. I thought only girls did that. I didn't realise lads did that. Bellends. If you're listening and you're in my form class, you know who you are. Bellend.

Arseholes. I'll see you on my bike, bitch. I get you. I was terrified of the wag woman. The wag woman? Did you not? What did you call the person? Well, it was just a woman for our school, our comprehensive.

Right. They called her the wag woman. And if you skived school, she would come to your house and talk to your mom and dad. Yeah. Sorry, so wagging is wagging off school.

That's what people used to call it. wagging off school. Yeah, wagging off school was playing truant. Playing the wag guy. Yeah, playing the wag.

She'd come to your house. It's called a truant office house, something like that. okay, there we go. We just decided to call her the wag guy yeah playing the wag she'd come to your house it's called Truant Office House something like that oh right okay there we go but you just decided to call her the wag woman yeah

Jesus she would come to your house I mean I think she only did it with certain members of school who were awful that's why I heard about like walking past

Smoker's Corner and hear I am the wag woman being spicked in my mug and I'm fucked like oh yeah man i'm not good so obviously me you ate me walking around smokers corner thinking oh my god i don't want the wag woman to come to my house hashtag is a blah but no i i remember when we had our school prom

uh we all went uh everyone like all the 11s all went and got pissed afterwards i think there was like loads of like parties where loads of people went to but you know me and a few mates just went to their one house there's about four um no girls there and we uh just why not so you didn't lose your virginity on your on prom night no no i didn't no i didn't um although i did hold hands with my mate and we did like a wave with her arms and the wave went through my arm and then through his. That's sexy. Everyone looked at that.

That's good. That was me. That was me moment. It was when I really knew the stage was for me. So I, the next morning we went into school

and we're all like, the whole thing was like, let's go in in our suits still and like be like hung over in the corridor. And weirdly the form teacher like sent me home he was like just go home so we went back to me mate's house like the sent loads of year 11 so did you actually do that yeah we went in in the suits stood in the corridor waiting

to go into the form class and then the central home and then we went to my mate's house my mate actually lived at the bottom of the school field and went in his house and then the rumor for the day one msn messenger and the rumor was that mr burn the pe teacher was out in the pe like rugby van rounding people up and bringing them back to school and we like closed all these curtains and that and hid and like the doorbell went it must be the postman or something we were like it's mr burn in the van and hiding in that oh man oh i loved school you know i did i really really liked school and just shit like that school was the worst

to be fair to Mr. Byrne we once went to Gateshead Rugby Club Gateshead Stadium to watch I think it was the Newcastle Fultons

or something we all went on this trip it was a weeknight and then we walked I think the park the van at Hueth Metro Station so we walked

like a mile and a half in the pissing down rain when this match had finished war got in at like midnight metro station you know yeah but hasn't got a car park oh sorry okay parked yeah and we all walked pissing it down and the b-fair to him was like he was like i'm checking the names on the registers tomorrow any of you aren't in because of this and i'll be coming to get you in the van so there was something in it he sounds like the dog catcher he also rang him and his mum ran the tuck shop so you didn't

you didn't mess you didn't mess and they ran the school club you didn't mess with them oh tuck shop's still a thing

I think they've got banned have they been banned Jamie Oliver really I know love the tuck shop if it wasn't

he's tucked out your Twizzlers I know I understand that Jamie he took kebab off the menu I get it I get it but the tuck shop when I was if it wasn't these turkey twizzlers I know I understand that Jamie you took kebab off the menu I get it I get it

but the tuck shop come on it's sacred then again I've told you about my friend who used to have £1.50 worth yeah

well I had a rough few years because we were on free school meals for a while so you couldn't get tuck shop I couldn't get tuck shop I had no money

nah I didn't get any dinner money so all them 20 pences you were spending on cigarettes. Yes. That's corner. You could have got yourself 20 cola bottles.

Serves you right. I'll say again. Let's go. Get the wag woman on you. I've got one for you here. It's just really interesting, but I just want to state that I do not condone domestic violence within relationships.

I'm saying that really seriously. Heavens above. Okay. This is like when a... This is really weird. This is like when a... This is like your warning. This is the warning before the story.

This is like on Sky when I'm about to watch a film and it's like, this film contains sexual scenes, drug references and violence. Flash and lights. And I go... I undo my belt. Okay, well, I just want to say that again.

I don't undo my belt. My word. Right, I'm just going to tell you okay this is exciting it's just really interesting and it's quite it's odd okay and I just

think it fits in with our podcast absolutely odd is what I would say yeah and obviously dull for you but do not condone

domestic violence not one bit wow I think you're a dick if you do wow here we go yeah

hi Chris and Rosie hi I have a little story you might enjoy. It's quite long. I'll be honest with you, with Rosie's warning at the top, I don't know if I will enjoy it or not. I'm not sure. Let's see.

Okay. A few years ago, I attended a barbecue a friend was hosting. So to set the scene, it was a gorgeous warm day. The garden was mainly full of 20-year-olds happily drinking. It's obviously before COVID. People were allowed to touch each other. remember remember remember and we were all eating and just having fun can i just say can i pause it there for a second to just say i do have a problem with the sentence i was attending a barbecue a friend was hosting friend's barbecue

yeah i was at my mate's barbecue i was attending a barbecue a friend was hosting the fuck do you think you are don Don't be jealous. Listen, I don't like people who use big words and talk proper. Right? Yeah, well, yeah. They make us scared. Listen, it's a posh barbecue. It's on a friend's estate.

They were drinking Pimms. They had Pimms and there was lobster on the barbecue. Oh, God. There was no sausages. No. No. No burgers.

Nah, not a chicken drumstick in sight. I bet you no one shat in a hanging basket. No, I don't think so. Not a proper barbecue. Carry on. Okay, here we go. After three hours into the barbecue, the guy hosting the party,

I think it was Boris Johnson, Great. gave a nervous smile at an elderly couple walking into the garden. It soon became clear that it was his grandparents who heard about the party and decided to just, you know, turn up. Oh, fantastic.

He seemed a bit taken aback by their attendance, but nobody thought much of this and welcomed the elderly couple. They're nice folk. Nice posh folk. Okay. Right. Now, they were easily in their late 70s, early 80s.

Got you. The grandad was around 5'5", and quite chatty, with the odd insult he liked to add when speaking about his wife. Fucking hell. The grandma was around 4'11". Jesus. Baby, I'll be that one day. You get smaller, you know.

The older you get, you get smaller. Okay. I'm only 5'1". I'll be 4'11 one day. Okay. Good if I'll be. That's something to get smaller, you know. The older you get, you get smaller. Okay. I'm only five foot one. I'll be 4'11 one day. Okay. Good if I'll be. That's something to aim for. Go away.

One day I'll be 4'11. You know what? I'm bloody sick of hitting my head on this sink. I only need one of them little stools to wash my hands. You already need them. I mean, just for some sinks. Dear listener, you know there's a couple of cupboards in our kitchen

that if I need to hide some sweets from Rosie, I can put them in because I know she can't get to them without pulling a chair. That's really sizist. Anyway, right. So the grandma, stop laughing,

was around four foot eleven, quite frail, walked with a walking stick and had the odd sideways glare she'd give her husband whenever he was speaking. Heavens above. Yeah, I mean,

I'm not being funny. They've probably been together for a long time. How am I? Hey, I love that. I just like the idea that they're in the house arguing.

They're like, hey, you know, the grandson's having a barbecue. Do you want to take this argument outside? Do you want to take this argument on the road? Let's get somebody else's

opinion about this. Gerald. All whilst the host looked extremely uncomfortable that his elderly grandparents had made the journey to the party. We found out that this pair had been married for nearly 60 years. And when asked what the secret of their successful marriage was, the grandma came out with a story about how she'd kept her husband in check all these years.

She explained how he used to work away a lot in their marriage so everyone naturally thought she was going to say that the success to a happy marriage was time apart oh how wrong we were she'd found out that her husband had cheated on her on a couple of business trips as he'd given her crabs when he returned from one of his weeks away. Oh, and he hadn't even been at the seaside. No. Oh, no.

Are crabs an old thing? I thought they were a quite recent thing. I thought they were like 90s. What do you mean? So people have been getting crabs for like years. What made you think that they just magically came out in the 90s? I don't know. Do you think crabs were the 90s COVID-19?

A little bit. Everyone, shave your pubes. Crabs are around. What is this broadcast? Oh, I don't know. I don't know how we get onto this shit. Anyway, so he was working away. He got crabs.

Wow. After getting treated for said crabs lots of apologizing and promising on his behalf the pair decided to work through their issues and stay together their issues i love that it's now her issue as well yeah i know oh no sorry this issue oh i was gonna say right i love that hey well you know we're both to blame here oh yes yes i was uh i was my fault for catching them crabs off you it was when i didn't make your tea that night wasn't it that you thought i'm gonna get these crabs and crab you up snippety snap okay a month or two after the crab discovery

it was yet again time for her husband to take another business trip to the same hotel he'd had his affair at. The grandma explained how she wasn't happy about him going and an argument took place while she was making tea. This time, however, the grandma, 4 foot 11 of pure fury and anger, I can only imagine, turned to her husband and stabbed him in the side of his abdomen with the knife she'd been peeling the potatoes good grief by the sounds of it it was pretty deep and needed hospital treatment wow i told you so that's the bit you don't condone i don't condone that at all i don't condone but then just listen to the rest okay because okay just just they stay together okay yeah oh yeah they still yeah obviously you know so after

receiving some stitches the husband came home from hospital no police involvement took place and the pair forgave each other for their behavior and again decided to work through their problems wow we all sat there in shock mouths wide open listening to how this frail little lady was i'm sorry, I forgot for a moment that they're telling this to 20 year olds at a barbecue. Oh yeah, yeah, they're at the barbecue just retelling the stabbing story. So then I stabbed him, I will have another

Pimms. I stabbed him, Jeff, show them the scar Jeff, there it is, there, with a potato pita. We always joke that there's still a bit of potato in there as well because he loves potatoes, don't we? Anyway, I will have another Pimms, thank you, yeah. We always joke that there's still a bit of potato in there as well because he loves potatoes, don't we? Anyway, I will have another Pimms. Thank you, yeah.

Fuck with it. Okay, so are you ready? We all thought that this was the end of the story. How wrong we were. This is where I thought I was like, I need to tell you this, okay? Right, right, right. Her husband told us that when it came to his business trips,

he promised to never cheat and he packed his bags ready to leave for the week. When he arrived at the hotel, he opened his suitcase to find his wife had packed the bloodstained shirt he had worn during the stabbing incident into his case. God! This was placed front and centre, all nicely folded, as a little reminder not to cheat.

She is cold as ice! This is so grim, isn't it? Oh my God! To this day, the shirt has not been washed and as the grandma said, it's a reminder for him to keep his dirty little prick in his pants. She is!

She continued to put his the same shirt front and centre for every trip away he made to this day. Goodness me. And then apparently at one point she walked over to the barbecue, hit him over the head with a walking stick and just walked past, got a burger. And then apparently at one point she walked over to the barbecue, hit him over the head with a walking stick and just walked past,

got a burger. And then before the granddad left the party, just to clarify that the story was true, he lifted his top up to show everyone the two-inch long scar on his abdomen. My word. Wow. Hey, anyone listening and you think your relationship's a bit shit? Not that bad, is it?

It's not that bad. I do like the fact that she put the shirt in there. She's cold as ice. I'm not going to lie. She is a cold-hearted fucking sociopath. That is madness. Again, not condoning this. It's grim as shit.

Please. But I just thought it was very interesting. She is a femme fatale, is what they would call her in film noir. She is a dangerous female protagonist. It does say here, there is a femme fatale is what they would call her in film noir she is a dangerous female protagonist it does say here there is a question with this have you got any advice for a happy marriage

that won't end in a criminal conviction and that's from Laura I think my answer is stabbing's not always the answer it's definitely not it's not the way it's not the way

no maybe it's a finger prod maybe don't cheat and catch crabs yeah maybe could use a dental dam dental dams Yeah. And maybe it's a finger prod. Maybe don't cheat. Catch crabs. Yeah. Maybe. Could use a dental dam.

Dental dams. Maybe shave your pubes. I don't know. The list goes on. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. Not a question really, more of an observation.

Fair enough. Isn't it mad that we recoil in horror at the thought of a guest toothbrush, but put other people's genitals in our mouths? Hope you're both well. That's from Lara. Wow. Wow. It's a thinker, isn't it?

So if you're listening, if this is your first episode of the podcast that you listened to last week we talked about someone offering someone a guest toothbrush. It's true.

She has got a point. True. But there's a means to an end for the genitals in your mouth. Tell me, tell me right now uh huh would you rather put a

stranger's genitals in your mouth or use a guest toothbrush how many people use the toothbrush five can I look at the five people

no no you don't know who they are Can I look at the five people? No. No, you don't know who they are. What is this stranger like? All right. Probably about a seven out of ten. It's at a festival. Oh, no, no.

Toothbrush all day. What day of the festival? Third. Nah, give me that toothbrush. Getothbrush all day. Toothbrush. What day of the festival? Third. Nah. Give me that toothbrush. Get that. Get that. Get that. Brush your teeth with Colgate. Do your tongue and all. I'll do my tongue. Do the lot.

Do the full two minutes like the dentist says. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, wonderful. Oh. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My boyfriend and I have had conversations about whose name we would take if we got married. I want him to take mine because it's unique. However, he would prefer that we both just keep our own last names. As a compromise, he suggested we make our potential last name a combination a

combination of both this would mean it would be mars patch mars patch marsh patch marsh patch marsh patch marsh patch what's her name marshall it's not unique must be marshall or patchy god anyway i think this is extremely idiot extremely idiotic but he thinks it is good I am wondering whether you think it is dumb or not also how did you both agree to choose Ramsey as your last name I can answer that for you Rosie was desperate to have an alliterated surname

alliterated name she wanted to be Rosie Ramsey she would have married anyone as long as her surname began with an R that was literally it I totally don't Rosie Ramsey she would have married anyone she literally would have married anyone as long as their surname began with an R it's true that was literally it I I totally don't think

that the woman should take the man's name I think if you don't want it that's absolutely fine I just couldn't be arsed with all the explaining I couldn't I think the way

the reason we went with it is obviously because you were up for it and you wanted the alliteration I just couldn't be arsed with the I'm quite traditional in that sense

yeah I think unless you had a really horrific surname, I think it's quite a nice thing. Yeah, maybe when you look at it on a big ad thing and when I get my little feminist thing in the back, I go, well, why should the woman have to take the man's name? Well, the man can take the woman's name. Yeah.

Can you pick a new name? Can you pick a family name? Is that a thing? No, I think that's a bit dickish. Right. Because we would have had to have gone with Lannister. Possibly, yeah. a new name? Can you pick a family name? Is that a thing? No, I think that's a bit dickish. Right. I think... Because we would have had to have gone with Lannister.

Possibly, yeah. Or Stark. Yeah. Yeah. Probably Lannister because there's always been a debt. But can you imagine... Right, I'm not being funny.

We wouldn't be friends with these people. No. Can you imagine if we were at that wedding, right? And they were like, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Marshpatch.

And we'd look at each other and go, they've took'd look at each other and go they've took a bit of each other's name right let's go this is horrific and they wouldn't tell and they'd like turn around

and go like eh guys and everyone would have to go oh that's clever and it's the anecdote it's the anecdote that would wheel it out if you're listening

don't do it because I know you'd wheel it out at every party you'd be like well it's Marsh Patch because she's Marshall and I'll give you a cumber patch and we'll put them together.

Oh, no! That was so funny! Oh, fantastic! There was one friend who was like, I fucking hear this story all the time. Yeah, it's disgusting. No, don't do it. Don't do that.

Don't do it. I'd take each other's or, you know, who cares? What would ours be? Wincy. Wincy. Well, because ours is Winter. Winter Ramsey. You're Ramsey, so the end of Ramsey.

Ramta. Ramd? Ramta. Oh. Chris Vamta. Rosie Ramta. Oh, you know I want a bit of something else in it, so let's go with that.

You want? Want a bit of something else in it? Oh, no, I didn't mean it, Christopher. I got to get it, put it in you. Don't stop continue what song is that keep going I like it

keep rolling what the fuck why have you got no reference points it's like someone made you in a lab and you've got no... Biscuit. In your head you went, well, they were out at the same time-ish.

What song was the Red Hot Chili Peppers one? I don't know which one it was. You've got to put it in you. I've got to get it put it in you rolling rolling rolling no oh god I'm annoyed am I pissed

I don't know oh hey love you and I like you as a friend babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Rosie and Chris little quickie for you oh sexy lovely been a while Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. A little quickie for you. Oh, sexy.

Lovely. Been a while. Do you prefer sitting on a cold toilet seat or a warm one? Obviously, cold seating, meaning that it's fresh. No one's sat on it just before you. You'll get that little, oh, it's cold. Right. A warm, someone's probably just got off it

minutes before you basically you're sitting on someone else's arse right what do you prefer I have only ever sat on my home

toilet seats for years oh right okay years well we're talking about

public toilet here haven't I have not sat down on a public toilet since I was a child or a works toilet nah well speaking as a sat down on a public toilet since I was a child. Or a works toilet. Nah. Well, speaking as a woman with a vagina who has to sit on the toilet.

What? Did you not? What? Ugh. I was on a hygienic, but carry on. Yeah, I've sat on warm ones and it's not pleasant. No? It's actually really sad, to be honest.

Sad? No, it is. Because you sit down and you go, oh, fuck, someone's just got off this. Did I ever tell you about that? Have I said it on the podcast? Possibly? Don't know. About the time when I was out in Leeds one night.

Okay. And I was with an ex-boyfriend and the queue for the women's toilet was massive and the queue for the women's toilet was massive and the queue for the men's toilet was non-existent oh you're one of these

are you yeah so I went I went in the men's toilet with him and I was a bit drunk I sat on the toilet seat got a wee man wee

all over me thighs man wee in me bum man wee Chris I had a rash the next day really off man wee off man wee

oh man wee is the worst disgusting and it was one of them toilets where it was like Manway. Chris, I had a rash the next day. Really? Off Manway? Off Manway. Oh, Manway is the worst. And it was one of them toilets where it was like, it wasn't even, didn't even have a seat. It was just a metal rim. The metal thing. I don't get it. I don't get that either.

Are they trying to be cool and trendy? Or do they just not want you sitting there for long? I think it's to stop people shitting. I think. Really? Possibly. If I had a nightclub I wouldn't want people shitting in me. I probably wouldn't

have toilets if I owned a place like that. Honestly, me nightclub would be called do it in the house. No, you can't do that. Every time, Rosie,

every time I get on a train if I go to London or whatever, if I've got the early morning train, not even that early, like if I get the nine o'clock train

or something, so people have had a bit of time, right, that someone always has a shit on the train toilet. And I want to honestly walk into the carriage and go, right, who waited?

You got up, you got ready before your shower, you could have had a shit. Why have you waited and shat on this train? You've not got a toilet in your house. I've got IBS, you prick. Fuck you. I hate it. I just, I don't, I've said itBS you prick fuck you I hate it I just

I don't I've said it before and I know I'm wrong but I don't think you should be allowed to shit in public toilets I don't think it should be a thing

I think you're ridiculous because I don't think you should be allowed not everyone works like that shit in your house not everyone's got time to load it up on the toilet

for 40 minutes a day Chris it doesn't take us 40 minutes I just stay there because I don't want to see you and that is the end of the podcast. Thank you for listening. Now then, now then, thank you. Awful.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's Shagbrown Annoyed, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you very much, guys. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagbrownannoyed at gmail.com. The book is available for pre-order now. We've nearly signed all the bastards. I know. And you can vote for us for Listener's Choice at the Podcast Awards.

Oh, yeah. British Podcast Awards. We are up for Best New Podcast. Been a year and a half, but whatevs. And Listener's Choice. Get it voted on there. Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.