Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 73. 36 hours later

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

Another big week in the Ramsey household! Not only did they win a British Podcast Award (thanks smas & das) but they also announced a new addition to the family and perhaps a motorhome too! This week the pair discuss an odd date involving taxidermy, a drunk Dad doing DIY and they answer a big question that involves a trip to the bathroom and a million pounds. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You are listening to the award winning.

Oh, shit. She wentwinning... Oh, shit. She went there. Oh, shit. Shag Maridonoid with me, award-winner Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, also an award-winner, Christopher Ramsey. Congratulations. I honestly just thought there before we started, I wonder how long it'll take her to mention the award.

How long? Seventh word. Second. Seventh word. Literally. Hello, you are listening to the award... Yeah long seventh word second seventh word literally hello you are listening to the award yeah seventh word well done um well done to all you guys uh thank you so much for voting uh we won listeners choice at the british podcast awards out of every single podcast in the uk that's the bit that's what gets me that's the bit that gets me

every single podcast in the uk it's very cool we'll have told their listeners can you can you vote and you guys you beautiful smiles and dads out there voted and we won little old us won best uh whatever listeners choice best listeners we won best listeners we just won a prize we won i'm gonna rename it the uh listeners who vote the most podcast. Yes. Most proactive listeners. I'm very proud of you all. Thank you.

Honestly. Honestly, thank you so much because, you know, you guys listen to us and we're so grateful, but to actually vote, to do something physical, to vote for us, it means the world. And we're so chuffed. I voted on two email accounts because i'm a piece of shit um and no did you i didn't vote oh you're you're not a team player you are not a team player but you had to vote and then you had to wait for the email to come and then you had to confirm your email so it wasn't a piece of piss it wasn't just like put dave and click vote it was you know

oh that don't i'll cry that means even more holy shit shit. That's effort. Well done. I don't vote for other stuff. Guys, thank you very much. Thank you very much. It is episode 73. And without going any further, obviously, you know, votes and awards, you know, happy days, that's really nice.

But guess what? Doesn't keep the lights on. Doesn't keep the heating on. Doesn't pay the bills. It's time for this week's... Neither does this. Shut up. Bollocks.

Shut up. It's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Summer Holidays. Oh, they can fuck off. Hey, hey, is your kid just gone back to school or nursery? Well, guess what? It's the Summer Holidays. Hard fucking lines.

Hey, have they just left the house? Yes, they have. How long have they been gone? Five minutes, literally. Well, they're back now. Is it six weeks? No, it's eight weeks this time, bitch gone? Five minutes, literally. Well, they're back now. Is it six weeks? No, it's eight weeks this time, bitch. Kids' summer holidays.

Oh, nah. Oh, it's okay, though. They'll be back in September. Well, mid-September, technically, nearly October. Kids' summer holidays. Bullshit. Welcome back to hell. They never went back.

Oh. They've just been off for months. I'm gutted. I dropped them at nursery this morning and they were like, oh, last day tomorrow.

And I was like, fuck this. Fuck this. Oh, God. Oh, don't, because I put this on Instagram

having a little rant because my Instagram is full of really positive people and sometimes it really pisses me off. Honest, oh, don't, like every everyone's buzzing and they're like oh got loads planned for the summer holidays you know the kids we're not homeschooling anymore we've got we've got six eight weeks off and i'm like well they've been off forever there has been no routine for months and months and months who are these people who like being around their kids all the time

because there's something medically wrong with them? Wow. No, I won't have it. I love Robin. Listen. I would die for that kid. Yes. And you know I would.

I would put myself in front of him if there was ever any harm, right? Yeah. But I'm sorry. I don't want to spend every day with him because it's unnatural. He's at an age of going to somewhere else. He should be there, not with us. So I'm not looking forward to the summer holidays.

We will do it, you know, through gritted teeth. We'll take him places. We'll try to enjoy ourselves. But I'm sorry, I'm livid about it because it's horrible. I think we're going places we'll try to enjoy ourselves but I'm sorry I'm livid about it because it's horrible I think we're going to all I think we're going to all

agree that you have to hashtag pray for Chris at this difficult time because you've just heard what I've got eight weeks with plus Robin

do you know what I'll cheer you up Rosie a nice little jingle play the jingle oh I had more to moan about yeah I'm just cutting you off well this is the intro

let's fucking go back well I just wanted to say just dead quickly just to have a little more of a whinge I put that on my Instagram and I got loads of messages of people saying

oh have you thought about doing this and what about this and I just wanted to go do you know what shove your activities up your arse because I'm done

with activities I'm done with activities what hello Mrs Ramsey hi yeah done with activities. I'm done with activities. What? Hello, Mrs. Ramsey. Hi. Yeah, you're our one millionth customer. You've won a free jet ski. I'm done with activities. I'm done with nature walks and going to the seaside.

I'm done with it. I'm done with it. Here's the jingle. Oh, is there any point? We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. We hope you like the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba

Jingle Hello and welcome back to Shag Married Annoyed I've had a little word with myself I'm okay Technically a word with me but carry on She's had a word with us It's just intense No because we have been working all the way through this as well

So it's just been intense Let's just say that I think it's because we work together. We do this, we work together. Like this morning, he went to nursery this morning and we sat and we had what other people may call a chat in the bedroom when I got back. You were sitting having a coffee.

I think I brought two egg sandwiches up, which I didn't really get any credit for. Oh, for God's sake. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Chris. Just a little thanks. Thank you.

I said thank you. Well, not enough. And I brought you breakfast basically breakfast in bed and we sat and chatted for a good 45 minutes about work stuff

and I was like we've just had a meeting like this is like what other people would like fucking cordon off half the day for this well other people

would hire out a meeting room for what we had this morning and they'd put it in the diary and it would be yeah it'd be an hour not a meeting room zoom call now zoom chat

yeah but we literally have them as we wake up it was a strange little life but I wouldn't have it any other way oh wow I'm joking

I'm joking we have had a lot going on heck of a week as you may know heck of a week yeah if you follow us

on socials you will know. Heck of a week. Yeah. If you follow us on socials, you will know that around about 15 weeks ago, Chris and I booked. Booked. You know. Big time. Big time booking. Big time.

Non-protective booking. Big time bookage. And we managed to procreate. Slag. Sorry. Slag. Sorry. Slag. Yeah, she has got herself knocked up, hasn't she? Filthy tart.

Eh? Couldn't bloody keep your bloody legs shut, could you, love? Eh? Couldn't keep it in your knickers. Do you know what I blame? Make me sick. What? 4pm wine time. Oh, 4 p.m. wine time.

Oh, it was definitely 4 p.m. wine time. Well, it was on the day when it was 2 p.m. wine time as well, actually. Well, like I've said before, you had to do your 4 p.m. wine time video normally four wines in and telling everyone it's your first wine. And I was like, it's just fucking lying on the internet. This is our fourth or fifth wine. Yeah. So we're having a baby, which we are.

We're having a baby. Very, very excited about. Very excited. Not to bring down the mood, but we had a miscarriage with our last baby, which we've been vocal about on here, haven't we?

Yeah, but I don't know if many people know exactly what it was. It was blighted ovum, which is a missed miscarriage. So can you explain just for anyone who doesn't know?

So a missed miscarriage is when your body is very much pregnant. All the pregnancy tests say that you're pregnant. You produce the pregnancy sac and the baby, I think the baby passes away at around about eight or nine weeks. It's got something to do with the wall. Oh, I'm going to explain it terribly.

Anyway, the baby passes away. And then what happened with us was we went to our 12-week scan and the there was nothing there the sack was there but there was no baby and it was really really bad and it was just bad time i remember we were sitting in the in the in the um the waiting room and we went in and it was just like we've had baby we've had robin we've had babies and that's what you do you just stick it in you shake it about a bit you get pregnant well hey here we're going we get the scan and it wasn't there and it was like this crushing like what the fuck like how is that not there and it was the most it wasn't like you bled which would have

obviously been horrendous as well but it was like a miscarriage that you go oh fuck what's happening here it was like and here's the guy oh look open the suitcase you've packed nothing it's fucking empty like it was horrible yeah but weirdly with this whole covid thing you had to go in for the scan on your own didn't you so we guys everyone thank you so much for the wonderful messages the lovely comments and everything everyone's been incredible about it especially the people who knew about last time but like we didn't really feel it was real the moment we told you guys it was real that's when it felt real for us so we've kind of really found out at the same time as everyone else because we were expecting shit again weren't we yeah you can't you can be the most positive kind of you know

positive thinking person in the world but when that's happened to you before when you've sat there at a scan lay there at a scan thinking you're pregnant, and then there's nothing on the screen. It's hard to not imagine that again. But everything was fine, touch wood, and everything was great, and we're over the moon. So, dead happy. Robin's going to have a brother or sister, and we're going to have another little smile on the goal. Do you know how many times people have said,

it's happened on a text, and it's happened a couple of times on Instagram, and people are being lovely, so I haven't called them out on it, but someone said, numerous times now I've seen people saying, oh, Robin's going to be a brilliant big brother or sister. And I'm like,

no, no, no, he'll be the brother no matter what. All right. No matter what the baby is, he'll be big brother. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Someone said it on the text.

It was a group text to us. It was like, he'll make a brilliant brother or sister. It's like, well. Well, listen, like, he'll make a brilliant brother or sister. Well, listen, hey, he can be whatever he wants to be. Well, of course. He's got time to grow. You never know.

I am, you know, us, we are very, you know, modern thing. Whatever he wants to be, I'm happy with. I am, speaking of being a modern man, so I sat outside the hospital

in the car and I parked up and there must be loads of work going on at the RVI in Newcastle. So there was loads of builders and stuff. And I sat hospital in the car and i parked up and there was loads there must be loads of work going on at the rvi in newcastle so there was a there was a builders and stuff and i sat there in my car like these blokes like parked this massive fucking wagon in front of me car so i was parked on the side of the road and they parked in front of us have you ever seen you know it's normally intimidating seeing one man in a van have you ever seen them where there's like four front seats in the front of this wagon so there's just four builders sitting looking at us and i'm like oh and you always think i'm thinking oh is that him or you know do they know who he

am or they're just thinking who's this prick and uh obviously i was waiting for you to text us so you text us the photo of the scan yeah with hi daddy written on and i just started bawling my eyes out honestly they were the four that didn't know where to look they were the most uncomfortable looking blokes they were just like four like burly builders and they're like looking down they're like looking and it wasn't even at the point of like ah look at him he's crying it was like we're outside the hospital so they didn't know if it was joy or really bad news someone died they were just like all on their phones just like looking out the window like papers loads of newspapers came up bless them so it's all right lads it was good news lads it was good news oh

bless you um i've come up with a couple of names oh god Well I've got Well what about little CJ CJ Covid Junior Fuck me I thought it was going to be Chris Junior there But no No No it's not Chris Junior

Or You know I like alliteration Yeah I thought about Rona Ramsey Rona Rona's a good name actually Like Corona

It's been ruined now But yeah Yeah Rona Yeah Or cash cash money money cash cash Cash cash, money, money, cash, cash. Cash, cash, money, money, cash, cash. You know.

When you start flogging its soul on Instagram. Fucking got that look for it to everyone. Look at you. Do you also find it hard to hold a mobile phone while holding a baby?

Well, here's Rosie Ramsey's mobile phone holder shoulder. Boulder. Fucking all kinds of cack coming your way. Listen.

Do you just want to go to uni Robin do you want to go to uni do you want to live in a mangy halls do you want us to sell you off on Instagram it's your choice same for you

Rona oh don't shouldn't laugh but it's true oh it's true so you might have seen when we did the British Podcast Awards on my Instagram that I said to Chris, I haven't forgotten about this, Chris.

I said, if we win this award, can we get a caravan? I remember specifically I got a very important call when you said that and I had to leave the room. We won the award and we went looking at caravans, didn't we? Two seconds. Hello? Stop it.

Hello, is it? I've got this on flight mode but someone's... Hello? What? It's the man from the caravan. The president? The president's being attacked.

I've got to go. Really? You want to speak to the president? No, I wouldn't go at you. Hang up that shit. So, yeah, we looked at caravans. we looked at caravans we looked at caravans Chris hated every single one

if anyone's seen my approval needed special on Amazon you will see there is a good 15 minute routine about how I hate

caravans so much but you know what don't mind motorhomes well that's what I was going to say don't mind them we've come to a compromise everybody and

looks like we might be in the running for a little Ramsey motorhome little van on wheels no we've given up no we haven't given up when I looked at them in the showroom it was us two and loads of 80 year old people it really was

it really was I It really was. I think we're bringing down the caravan in age a good 50 years. People are, when they go to buy caravans and motorhomes, they are trading in burial plots.

It's like, do you have a vehicle to trade in? I've got this spot in the cemetery that's worth two grand. Oh, yes, we'll take that. Not a problem. I reckon they've all just downsized. That's what they've done.

They've all downsized. Probably, yeah. Buying a motor van. To be fair, yeah. Fucking boomers. Let us just tell you though, Thor, Chris Hemsworth,

he was caravanning last week. Was he now? With his family. Was he now? In Australia. Fully blown. Towing it on the back of his car. What was the last bit of that sentence you said there?

Thor, Chris Hemsworth, was caravanning with his family. And here's the key bit. Here's the best bit. Here's the bit that makes a difference. What was the next words? In Australia.

In Australia. There it is. There it is. That's the kicker. I'm sorry. Honestly, where would you rather go? Lake District or Australia? Are you off your fucking nut?

I'd pick Australia. So would I. Anyway, I love the lakes. We'll be there. So, dead excited. Just thought I'd let Australia but anyway I love the lakes we'll be there so dead excited just thought I'd let you know just put a hand up for a high five

and I'm letting it hang this is the motorhome high five this is our new life this is where we're van people now I've put so much fight up against it that I feel like I can't

I can't accept it no you can get excited ones we looked at were absolutely lush come on posh us out we're going to be we're going to be cool

I mean it will not be cool when we're wheeling with shit to the place where you have to take it oh no no you're not allowed to use that toilet

no no no you've got to use the toilet on site you're not allowed to use the toilet on the caravan that stays clean what?

no no no oh Chris no I'm not no no no I'm not going to the public toilets for a poo yeah yeah yeah no you can't be

pooing in the caravan no no no what right next to where we chop the veg? Are you joking? Eh? Kidding me? You think this is? Chris.

Come on. Oh, God. I'm excited. We could just waffle stamp it down the shower. Do you have to empty that? I mean, I don't know. Where is the water from the shower going? We'll have to find out all that. I've got to find out all this. We've got to have a meeting. Oh, God. don't know. Where is the water from the shower going? We'll have to find out all that.

I've got to find out all this. We've got to have a meeting. God. Can't wait. I'm going to take some nappies just in case. Big adult nappies. Sit in the front seat and knock one out. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Public service announcement here, by the way, guys. Obviously, our smart tour got moved to 2021. Brackets, hopefully, it definitely happens in 2021. Oh, it better. Come on. We have moved the London Adelphi. It was the London Theatre date that we had, the London Adelphi. It's moved to the London Palladium.

Now, a couple of sneaky little tweeters who just must know capacity of venues immediately said to us, oh, will there be extra tickets because the Palladium is bigger? The answer is yes. Yes. And the tickets are on sale now.

It's 18th of May, 2021. Sounds like, sounds so far away, but I'm willing it so quickly to come that it doesn't. That is at the London Palladium. We're doing the London Palladium. I've made it.

Wembley, Palladium. It's amazing. Gaslarina. I'm shitting your kids. Do you know Bruce Forsyth is ashes under the London Palladium stage's amazing Castle Arena I'm shitting my kids do you know Bruce Forsyth his ashes are under the London Palladium stage yeah

I heard that very very cool place so yeah so that is on sale now shagmarinoi.co.uk just fucking google it Jesus 18th May 2021

there are tickets at the Palladium so there you go if you fancy that get involved see yous there yes while we're here we might as well flog the book let's be honest while you're here oh we're flogging Stadiums. So there you go. If you fancy that, get involved. See you there. Yes.

While we're here, we might as well flog the book. Let's be honest, we're here. Oh, we're flogging. We're doing the audiobook next week. We are. We've got to go to a studio, which is in Newcastle, which isn't too bad. And we've got to read the audiobook. I'm looking forward to this for two reasons.

Right. One, because it'll be a good laugh and we'll be recording the audio book which is pretty exciting two i'm looking forward to you reading it because you've never read it never read it never read the book uh no read it as i was doing it so you sent as you you sent me your chapters and then i commented then our road chapters and sent you and that's how we kind of did it we're commenting on each other's chapters it's kind of like um it's kind of like an argument on paper the whole thing um we're sort of heckling each other throughout the book but then um yeah it's been edited it's been all put together you sat and read it in the garden at the beginning of all lockdown and stuff i haven't read it so it'll

be nice to read it nice little surprise i'll be reading it and i'll be going this is actually all right and the people on the skype from penguin will be like this is the most unprofessional man what a twat i know you know i'm like this with evan you know on heaven when i was on bbc the sitcom for those who don't know i was i was in a i was i acted once in a sitcom called heaven on bbc2 i would walk into the block through which is where you walk in and they just block where the cameras are going to go and kind of rehearse it and i'd be reading from the script even though the whole thing is like learn your lines the night before yeah but i'd be reading from the script with it in front of us and they'd all be like this is this guy's an

arsehole yeah but then would go would have five minutes everyone else would have a cup of tea i'd learn it and i'd come back in and i'd know it you do and i also knew everyone else's which apparently you're not supposed to do you're not supposed to tell them when they get a line wrong that they've said it wrong or when they're having a moment go oh this is your line it's like really bad etiquette you were such a prick like honestly i couldn't i couldn't so if someone was standing there like oh what's the line i'd be like oh this is your line and then it'd be like oh and i was like what like that's ridiculous like why is that bad etiquette like what the fuck's wrong with you it's just manners chris just basic but they didn't know it and i told them it what's wrong with that just you know i mean that's like oh I'm starving

oh do you want some of this sandwich how dare you alright well fuck yourself then look shit go on look shit at not knowing your lines how was last night sitting there on your lines did you

I watched Breaking Bad who had the best night who knows the lines now I didn't really like that never acted since I didn't really like it he's never done anything else since of an acting capacity they always ask us in interviews I didn't really like acting. Never acted since. I didn't really like it. He's never done anything else since.

Even acting. He always asks us in interviews, he goes, are you going to act again? I go, do you know how fucking long it takes? Do you know how I turn up at a stand-up gig? I do an hour's worth of stuff, which takes an hour, then I leave. Fucking hell. It's hard crafting it.

Oh, heavens above. Mate, I'm not being funny. Your tours are not going to be the minute you might have to go into a bit of acting do you know how acting takes really long for me to do but it also feels a lot longer when people have to act with me they're the ones you have to pray for the rest of them their days are really god it's just being around me it just takes ages no you're not as bad now i'm okay you are a bellend well you know right and i hold you down when i say this yes right i wasn't

a great person i was a bit immature back in the day you know silly things and stuff yeah you know what's really changed us don't you dare say you know me bike has saved us in many ways i've matured become a better person i go on my bike regular exercise you know i don't want to talk about your bike anymore. Please. Oh, guys. Sometimes I wish it was a video podcast because you are literally waiting for us to go. You've changed my life.

No, I thought you were going to say Robin. I kind of thought you were going to say me, but then I was like, you might say Robin. No, not my wife, not my child. My bike. Your bike, great. Which bike? Don't know.

Got two. Yeah. Poor Rona. What's she got herself in for? Dad shagging a bike And he's ma's back I did not have sexual relations with that bike Babadoo babadoo babadoo

It's time for What's Your Beef Hello Chris Here we go Chris Barry Oh hello Barry I know I've forgotten You forgot your voice

I should have've forgotten my voice. You forgot your voice. I should have did the wrong voice. Boo. You're rubbish. Listen. Oh, Chris, listen. Oh, that's Barry. It was only your voice before. Oh.

Something in my throat. Listen. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not happy like. Right. I'm absolutely raging, if I'm honest. Okay. Something in my throat Listen Yeah Yeah I know I'm not happy like Right I'm absolutely Raging if I'm honest

Okay I seen On Instagram About the baby Yeah Not being funny But Rosie's left a baby here Couple of months ago

What do you mean She's left a baby Do you not remember I tell you She had a baby here Right I had a baby Right And I had her baby And she's off the baby? Do you not remember I tell you? She had a baby here. Right. I had a baby. Right.

And I had her baby. And she's off having another fucking baby. Right. Oh, yeah. Raging. What am I meant to do with this baby? Well, if it's your baby, just look after it, Rays. Who knows whose baby it is?

It's just you. Good one. Cries all the time. Could be anyone's. I'm feeding it constantly. Right. Do you know what I mean? Constantly.

All the time, mate. Like, like, like, constantly. You're feeding it Constantly 23-7 That's got to have an hour off So from me To you

And her Hope you all Have a terrible time And just everything's Shit Because I've been My baby's already here Alright

Don't wish you well Does it have a name, this baby? Chris. I'm going to go, all right? All right, then. Good. Bye. No, is that the baby crying?

It's a bit... I didn't prepare. No? I just... Are you admitting it was you, then? No. Right, listen. what's your beef you did a lot of typing before we started was it that no right it was about everything else

no because we've had a lot of talk about this week there's loads of stuff so anyway okay good yeah and just just as a backstory i do remember a few months ago, Barry rang and said there was a baby there. There was a baby there. There was a baby. Honestly, this is a nightmare. Just got to keep up with the storyline. Right, what's your beef? Do you want to go first?

Yeah, actually, I will. Might be with you this week. It's been going on for a while. Be gentle, because I am pregnant. Oh, fucking stick that up your ass as well. Get rid of that. Stop that. No way.

Listen, you chose, right? When you tarted it up, right? You knew the consequences, right? You know what you should have done? You should have put something on the end of it. Jeremy. Wow. Right?

My view with you, it's been happening a while. I've noticed it a lot recently because you've been having a lot of baths. I do love a bath. And while I've been out watering your stupid plants, you've been bathing Robin lot of baths do love a bath and while I've been out watering your stupid plants you've been bathing Robin as well he also loves a bath

you never put the bath mat back up on the side of the bath to dry you leave it on the bathroom floor every single time

and it's white and that's a bathroom that's a downstairs bathroom I mean not that people come round at the moment but if someone did come round that bath mat's

on the floor for strangers to stand on do you go in to have a bath and when you have to take that bath mat off the side of the bath where it lives do you just look and go oh this has jumped up here by itself again i'll put it back on the floor i don't on is this a problem yes the bath mat when you finished you empty the bath right you rinse around the sides of the bath with a little shower head. And then you take the bath mat, pick it up, and you hang it over the side of the bath to dry.

Because our bath has an overhang. It dries perfectly if you hang it on the side. And you never do it. It's always just on the floor and it gets manky. And I'm sick of it. Raging. Right. Yeah.

I've got nothing to say about that. Because you know you're wrong. Well, I just don't see it as a problem. Oh, we're not going to get on in this motorhome There'll be no bath mats But you're not using the shower You think you're using the shower in the motorhome That's to wash the veg

How much veg are you eating? Loads That's the point isn't it You're cutting the veg You're washing the veg Cut the veg Eat loads of root vegetables Fill the whole thing with farts

Are we vegetarians now? We are in the motorhome That's the life Fill the whole thing with what? Farts Farts Fill the whole thing with farts are we vegetarians now we are on the motorhome that's the life fill the whole thing with what farts fill the whole thing with farts loads of veg fill the whole caravan with farts not caravans a motorhome fill the whole motorhome with farts that's the point in fact i'm gonna get that shower's not getting used at all i'm getting an extender cord a load of extender cords on the

shower and it's just to open the door pull outside and clean your bike while i'm outside your bike's not Is your bike coming? We're getting a bike rack. Right, great. Both bikes are coming. Speaking of your stupid bike, I didn't want to talk about it, but it is actually to do with my beef at the minute.

Currently, this has been pissing me off since you got the bike ride. Which bike? Because I've got two. You've got two. Which bike? Either. Just the ride itself.

Sorry, twinging, aren't you? I'm hot on another collar here. Which one's better in the sexual department? It's totally different. Is it? Totally different. It depends what mood you're in. Right.

Because one of the tyres is a lot thicker than the other. So what do you fancy in? day of the week what you fancy depends what you got planned after yeah little cushion for the pushing yeah stop it look you're perverting me bikes it's just good clean fun right mental health and that i'm loving it okay right so my beef is when you go out on your bike ride you're going on a bike ride quite daily it's like it's got a bit weird but but whatever um still think you're having an affair but that's i can we talk about that by the way can we talk about the fact that you genuinely thought i was cheating on you because i kept going out we bike in the middle of fucking lockdown

you thought i'd picked lockdown to cheat on you you lunatic worst things have happened so me beef is you go for your little stupid bike ride brilliant bike ride for your mental health yeah whatever yeah

and then you come back you ring on the doorbell yeah and I have to stop whatever I'm doing yeah to let you back in the house yeah but the funny thing is

you're a 33 year old man and you've got to set a case to this house yes because you live here I don't like taking me keys on a bike ride I don't like taking me keys on a bike ride. I don't like taking them. Can you not just take the house key?

No, because then I have to take it off the little ring and it hurts me nails having to take it off. Oh, Chris, I know, but honestly, it's just really infuriating whenever I'm busy and then I have to go let you in and I'm just like, and I hate your bike anyway, so just seeing you in all your stupid bike gear having to let you in the house

and when I'm always busy and I just want to go, oh. But I have to get you to come to the door anyway because I have to tell you how far I've gone and how long it took us. Every single bastard time. So you might as well come and open the door for us anyway because I have to come and immediately find you and tell you the average speed.

That I'm at. What? Because it's easier for you to come to me. It's not. Why don't you just find out where, why don't you come to the kitchen window and I'll let you in the back? All right, then that might be easier, but then I've got to trip your bike all the way through

and put it in the office. Oh, oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. It's your bike. Listen, I'm not taking that.

Look, if you want, get us a little, some kind of, my birthday's coming up, get us some kind of little pouch that goes on my bike frame where I can put my keys in,

maybe a little apple in or something for the teacher why don't you put a little bum bag a little fanny pack I don't want a fanny pack I'm getting you one

it has to be very aerodynamic if you do no I don't want a bum bag no I've decided no you're worried it's going to slow you down oh well it'll take some seconds

off me time your crucial time it might bring me average speed down oh yeah honestly get over yourself do you know I go past

my auntie's house and I haven't seen her for ages and she says like ring on the doorbell and we'll have a little social distance chat and I'm like

no it'll affect my time that's horrible because sometimes I did stop at hers once and I paused my sort of route thing but then I headed off and I was about a mile

down the road and I realised I hadn't unpaused it and I was just knackered everything up I didn't know what was going on speaking of that I put a stopwatch on the up I didn't know what was going on speaking of that

I put a stopwatch on the other day for the because the oven timer was on for something else and I needed the stopwatch on forgot about it checked it

later it was 36 hours been on for 36 hours what were you fucking what were you doing I was like I just forgot to stop it you know

and you're like oh that's interesting that's just kept going it was you're like, oh, that's interesting. That's just kept going. I love stuff like that. Just to put that into perspective, ladies and gentlemen, Rosie's just found out that time keeps going.

Rosie's just found out that if you press go on a stopwatch 36 hours later, it'll say 36 hours. You are crazy. Jesus. Yeah, I was like, whoa. What have I was like, whoa.

What have I been up to? What have I done? That's tragic. I do like stuff like that. Oh, God. Anyway. That's ridiculous. It's really, really lovely to have beef with you.

Actually, while we're just here really quickly i just want to really really really quickly apologize to the smiles because obviously i've been pregnant for like a good solid like 13 weeks or whatever um i'm 14 weeks at the minute am i 14 weeks yeah i'm 14 in a bit whatever i don't know check the stopwatch what um i've been a hormonal mess oh god i feel like the last few podcasts have been a little bit like depressive and stuff so i just want to apologize about that i feel a lot better now i'm past the 12th like the first trimester the 12 weeks and i feel a lot more positive and a lot more upbeat and i'm sorry if I've brought any of yours down and I miss wine so much so much

like but anyway I've swathed wine though haven't I solidarity you have although you did have some on the podcast

award night which was a bit you had one of my favourites a really cold lovely white peanut grigio yeah but that doesn't count though

because you said I could because I didn't want any beer because it was gassy because I'd had too much to eat that day. Fair enough. I love you.

I won't drink any red wine, though. No, don't you. Don't you dare. Not in front of you. Okay. Good God. Even at winter, don't you dare get, don't you get, you know,

what's the word? Teased into it. What if other people in the room are drinking red wine if we're allowed in rooms where other people buy them? No, you know what it is? I won't. I won't. No, you can. I won't. How am I? I sneak off to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I have a little red wine if we're allowed in rooms where other people buy them. No, you know what it is? I won't.

I won't. No, you can't. I won't. I sneak off to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I have a little red wine. Oh, that's healthy. Yeah.

That's good for you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast

and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

I'm not real. I'm not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th

when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public

from the public public public public public public public public

public public public public public public public sorry you wanted to

go for a really long just wanted to have a competition guys as always if you want to get in touch it is shagmardinoid at gmail.com you are continuing

to knock it out the park with the stuff you send it's always awesome thank you very continuing to knock it out the park with the stuff you send it's always awesome thank you very much big shout out to the people last week who sent the

the jelly bean story it's got a lot of traction a lot of traction a lot of people disgusted I forgot to put a warning or an apology for that we don't have to warn or apologise about anything

I just feel like everyone's used to it well you know if you listen to this podcast we've done worse stuff than that. I was quite shocked at how many people were horrified by that. I was like, have you been listening to the full set? I think the fishbowl's still up there.

The fishbowl is still up there with the one that everyone really got upset at. And the nipple nerve. Nipple nerve, yeah. I got a lot of upset messages about that. I know. A little bit. It's the ones that take your breath away. Just make you go... Not in like's the ones that take your breath away just

not in like the good sexy take my breath away like yeah yeah not in the good way i do get a lot of messages as well when the people are listening to the podcast and they're like i had to pull over and vomit and i'm like sandra yeah there's a lot of hyperbole yeah yeah yeah yeah it's when people say, I'm literally dying. It's when you say online a comment like, I'm literally dying. I'm crying. Oh my God, I'm crying. I bet you are really straight faced when you type that.

Aw, you never know. I'm not talking about our listeners. I'm talking about just when people write that in general on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ruffle. Yeah, ruffle. I don't think anyone's ever ruffled while ruffling. Because I think if they are ruffling, they haven't got their phone in their hand.

They're too busy bloody ruffling they're too busy enjoying themselves yeah ruffling around on the floor ruffling ruffle oh my god someone's

I just weirdly just popped in my head there someone has absolutely I think you know Carol Baskin from have you seen this

did she do a video talking about Rolf Harris happy birthday Rolf Harris yeah someone's fucking had her life I actually feel a little bit bad for her because she's literally

like done a really heartfelt whether she murdered her husband and didn't she mention Jimmy Savile so someone has had her life so you must build a pair to do a birthday shout out for you and someone obviously because she's not from the UK.

She does a really heartfelt innuendo laden birthday shout out to Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile gets a mention as well. Someone has had her fucking life. Allegedly. We were just talking about don't allegedly bullshit. Allegedly.

It's true. We were just talking about Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile last week and then look at that. Carabascan. How long ago does Tiger King feel? Oh Crazy long

So long ago Crazy long Was that during lockdown? Yeah That was the beginning of lockdown Christ on a bike Fuck

Anyway Synchronicity It's the motorhome That's what it is What? So the sign that the universe has given us

that we need to get a motor home is that jimmy savelin rolf harris have popped up in conversation in the last two weeks fucking hell that's not a good sign well that's a terrible sign and i saw 11 11 today so you look for 11 11 every day i've seen you sitting in front of your phone looking for it but it's nice oh my would you just let me look for the nice things in life? Oh God. Is it what I live with? They've changed the star signs. Did you see that?

They've changed the star signs? They've changed the star signs. I'm a Leo now. I used to be a Virgo. Oh, I'm a Leo. You might not be anymore. Oh. Fully blown changed them.

Why have they changed them? Because they left one out. Right. Years and years and years and years ago. Right. They left it out and they were like we need to put this back in and they put it back in and it's messed them all up

so does that not tell you that the entire thing's bollocks well I need to read what a Leo's like you're great at it that fucking sums it up well it is bollocks unless I read it and I like the thing it says in which case then it's true that's what like the thing it says. In which case, then it's true.

That's what it is. If it says that, you know, I just, I don't really believe it. But then I read that it says I'm kind and I'm clever. And you know that I'm a really warm, lovely, generous person. And that I like to think of others. I'm all of them things. Yeah. And then, you know, on my date, I'm in the middle.

So I could be a Virgo, I could be Lewis. But they're bastards. So I pick the other one and I'll base my entire life on that as fact fucking honestly I used to have a Virgo book

caca utter caca which I can now throw out the window because I'm not a Virgo oh yeah yeah so you fully believe that

but now fuck that because someone oh hey heavens above mine Virgos are meant to be really organised and really tidy and stuff,

and I was always like, this is way off. Oh, shut up. Shut up. I don't even want to know if I'm still a Leo. My kid's going to be livid. I haven't even spoken to her about it. Oh, God, they've changed the star. The star signs, the star signs that were written in the stars,

that were set in the stars, have changed. Can you imagine if scientists came out and went, oh, by the way, we've just discovered there's another number in between two and three that we forgot about. Change everything. Two, eight. Fuck off. Yeah.

Just caca. Anyway. Can we crack on? We can. Right, here's the first question. This is really synchronicity again. Last night, I've got a question for you. God, you're going to tell me fortune in a minute.

Before I do this. Oh, you're not good. Before I do this question, it relates to something that I said on my Instagram last night. So last night, and I was waiting for the date to tell you. Okay. Recently, our Robin has been saying love you too back. Like when you say love you, he goes love you too so much.

He's like, he's so sweet. And before he put me to bed, he's like, love you to the moon. And I'm like, and the stars and all this kind of stuff. Like, it's lovely. And he does it to you as well. Yeah, it's lovely. For some reason last night night I was on my Instagram and I was just saying

what would you rather would you rather have a million pound or Robin could never say I love you again do you mean if I got a million pound you would never say

I love you again is that what you mean yeah so it's not a would you rather it's would you accept be paid would you rather it's would you accept be paid

would you sell him saying I love you for a million pound what could he say instead of it just wouldn't say it just would never say it you'd never say I love you

so I'll go I love you and you'll go thanks yeah go cool tax free yep yeah yeah easy

no yeah 100% yeah yeah yeah I knew you'd say that. 60%, 100%. Tax free. I came up with a compromise. Right.

I said five. So you're bending your own rule now. No, no. I just said, well, how about 500 grand? And he just says every other week. Fuck off. That would do me. Just.

What? So, right. So your date. Guys, do you see what I'm living with here? This is why the fucking rooms get moved around. This is why she buys a new sofa every five minutes because she's a maniac. You in your head came up with the idea

that some evil, like Elon Musk or some evil genius billionaire wanted to buy, like the fucking Little Mermaid, wanted to buy Robin's ability to say I love you from a million pound. You then panicked in your head and gave a caveat to that and then went with that

what the fuck is wrong with you because I really like hearing him say I love you oh god I don't know where it came from

oh god I honestly don't know where it came from but I do no do you know what I've changed my mind right I would just want to

hear him say I love you forever right but hold on hold on two seconds I'll see yeah I've sorted it it's all would just want to hear him say I love you forever right but hold on hold on two seconds I'll see yeah I've sorted it it's all been it's all gone

don't worry don't worry even though it's not in that imaginary contract I've had it ripped up well done Jesus phew you need to get out of the house

you need to go and do something I know I know I told you I think I've gone daft I'm going to be borrowing one of your bikes not that not a million years hey so here this is another million pound question this is good okay right okay so that all came from the fact that this is would you have a million pound for

right okay no that in the thing on instagram last night came from nowhere i'll have to watch it back because i have no idea where it came from for some reason sorry you did a video of all this yeah jesus but then i wanted to ask you about it right okay so anyway right i was upstairs in bed eating where it came from for some reason sorry you did a video of all this yeah Jesus Christ but then I wanted to ask you about it right okay so anyway right

I was upstairs in bed eating a yoghurt you were down here I was yes so hi Rosie and Chris hello me and my husband play a game called

a million pounds but right where we come up with scenarios you have to go through but in return you get one million pound

got you simple so this is the this is the scenario yeah right tax free right because that's much more exciting tax free so my question is but in return you get £1 million. Got you. Simple. So, this is the scenario here. Right. Tax-free, right, because that's much more exciting. Tax-free.

So my question is, £1 million but you have an audience every time you poo. You're kidding us. I'm not gigging. I'm desperate for an audience, 100%. While you're pooing. Why, yeah, I'll just do a gig. How many?

How many is in the audience? Well, okay, there's a few stipulations yeah, I'll just do a gig. How many? How many's in the audience? Well, okay, there's a few stipulations for you as I know Chris likes details, right? I can't believe you just said yes straight away. Yeah, I'm desperate to get on stage.

Chris, we're alright. We're okay. No, no, no. I've got a sponsor for this now. You're telling me you've never had a poo and thought, someone else should see that.

No. Absolutely not! Rosie, I've often had a shit and turned around and looked at it and thought, I'm going to shout at Rosie to come and see this. Oh, don't ever, please.

Sometimes I have them, right, and they're like sticking out of the water, standing up like a skyscraper. I did one once and it was sticking out of the water like a skyscraper and I thought, oh my God,

and I flushed and the water just receded around it and then just came back up like it was a rock. I had to throw bits of paper at it. Just want to let you all know you are listening to the British Podcast

winning Listener's Choice. You did this. You did this. Started this. So, these are the caveats. Right.

Stipulations. Okay. Is that the same thing? I don't care. Okay. Well, nice. One, it lasts for as long

as it takes you to spend the money so it's not just one time you get that million pounds every time you have a poo until you've spent that million pounds

someone's watching you oh right well I thought it was for the rest of your life forever so I could get that million pound spend it the next day

and and then go to the toilet yeah I suppose so well okay line it up it could be anyone from your past or present you will know them

it could be from the lady who served you a Tesco to your kid's school teacher right this changes things I thought it was just a faceless crowd absolutely not it's people you know

that it gets worse yes it will even happen in public toilets but you don't poo in public toilets don't poo in public toilets no problem they don't make a sound but you don't poo in public toilets. Don't poo in public toilets, no problem. They don't make a sound,

but they don't break eye contact either. Oh, this is great. Keep sending these in, whoever you are. These are fantastic. The last one is, they appear as soon as you sit on the toilet and then disappear as soon as you're done. This is from Sadie, by the the way and she'd said she said i think i would

but i'd spend the money very quickly yeah same same yeah yeah yeah i would do it yeah 100 i'd just buy all the motor i would well when i did that time crusher show for channel four i had to live as it was it was a show years ago guys that i did and i had to i mean a whole load of celebrities had to live sort of as is in the past so we were like victorian era it was really informative i don't know if it's on or 4d or whatever it was really really good but we had to live for a couple of days as was so we couldn't just nip off to a port i knew it was like you're in a hole in the floor yeah so i would not shit for two or three days and then in between we went to like hotels while they were getting the set ready for the next sort of scene for the next time frame and i would just pop a little suppository up and just empty

myself and then days that's what i would do i reckon i could give myself five days to spend that money but i don't think we'd take that long yeah i wonder if there's a bike for a million pound probably gold plated buy that I mean I would be livid if you bought that well why I would just buy loads of stuff

and then sell them again well okay to get the money back no they'll come back I think if it's a dirty no you're making stuff up well I don't know

yeah it's a great question more of them please Sadie that was fantastic babadoo babadoo babadoo I've got a quick little weird story here got you just

see what you make of this um somebody sent in my friend we'll call her emma recently met up with someone she met on tinder i love these ones every tinder story i've heard makes me so fucking thankful i wasn't single when tinder came i know great aren't they so here we go he seemed like a nice man and lived fairly nearby. She went to his house. He had a big house and was nice in real life too. That's good.

His house and life seemed very normal and he cooked pasta for her which was apparently very nice. Okay. All seems alright, doesn't it? Yeah. Emma was very happy with her date so far until she needed the toilet.

Oh God. She was directed down a corridor and into the toilet. Along the walls of the corridor were deer heads, and right at the end were heads of dogs. Emma came to the conclusion that this is fine, as it was probably his own dog that had died. Wow, that's not fine. I don't think that's fine. That's really weird. So, she entered the the toilet and on the walls

were dead cockroaches pinned to the wall not in cases or frames but just pinned to the actual wall sorry no dead cockroaches what oh what like like sort of taxidermy like taxidermy but without the frames or taxidermy's usually nicer things than cockroaches like you know Angel on Escape the Shadow she's got loads of

butterflies right on the walls okay but they're nice right do you know what I mean I'd much rather look at

a dead butterfly than a dead cockroach good grief so and um she ignored this and used the toilet great

I'm not sure I could I could I mean unless it was a big fucking polar bear's mouth that you had to sit on you never know use the toilet great i'm not sure i could i could i mean unless it was a big fucking polar bear's mouth that you had to sit on you never know um a big open a big massive open polar bear's mouth oh you just finish having a shit you stand up and you just fold its ear and it just flushes is this a weird weird thing? I once watched a programme

when I was younger and you know when something sticks with you? Yeah. I watched a programme once and someone was on the loo. It might have been 999. I've talked about this before.

I watched it. They were on the loo and like a rat came up from the toilet and bit them on the arse. Wow. Honestly. Snakes is my one.

Well, yeah, that happens a lot in Australia and stuff. Well, I saw a video where someone, they're just showing you a toilet, an empty toilet, and they flush it, and from that bit around the top where the water comes out, literally a snake comes down with the water,

and I was like, fuck that place. Honestly, ever since I watched that programme when I was young, I must have been about 10, every toilet I've sat on that isn't mine. If I've been on holiday or whatever I've had to check mid wee like stood up and had to have a look

you're telling me you haven't found my pet rat that lives in the bathroom yet unfortunately no fine bloody tell you what I've got to have a word with him

he's been drinking me red wine you're horrible so what happened then what do you mean with this woman oh sorry so right okay

yeah yeah yeah she's used the loo making her way back to the main house her date told her to go and wait upstairs while he cleared up the kitchen

sorry sounds like you told her to go and wait upstairs well they must be booking after all right

this is my problem with people now this date I know why do people do it they go and I went to his house and he had his mam stuffed and mounted on a chair and we had to eat our dinner from her knee

as her glass dead eyes stared down at me. And in the morning, after I'd had sex with him and stepped over, I thought, I mean, fuck me. This is weird. Honestly. Sometimes, have you never been desperate in your life a little bit desperate

for some mate with me it wasn't even sex it was just a cuddle I just wanted a cuddle no that's all it's so tragic isn't it it makes us really sad

saying that but it's true so I just I can see where it's coming from but I I don't know if I would stay but you know in other countries

other than the UK or maybe just we don't hang around with like like, posh enough people, mounted deer heads and that is quite normal. Okay, okay. We don't know that. The cockroaches is weird. The cockroaches is wrong, but you never know.

Who knows? Anyway. Just went upstairs. So, he'd gone upstairs. In his... This is when I would have left, right? Oh, fuck, it gets worse. In his room were dildos glued to the wall pointing out like spikes and there were three

stuffed snakes straight across the row of dildos sorry yeah sorry yeah so like a dildo shelf like a floating dildo shelf like a dildo shelf yeah like the dildos are coat hangers and like a dildo bike rack like a dildo bike rack just sticking out oh my god snakes across them right i'm imagining that they're intertwined between the dildos oh my god like that weird isn't it would have been it would have been less weird if there weren't dildos they'd just been bits of wood right you'd go, well, this guy just lost taxidermy. Why dildos? Right, so she went up. Emma ran out of the house without saying a word to her date, and I doubt he even knew she had left.

Wow. So she left by then. Well done, love. Well done, Emma. You made the right decision. Glad she left. That's fucking creepy. There's some weird people out there.

Massive house as well, by the sounds of things. She said he had a massive house. She's only got a few quid. I'm thinking he might be a bit rich. Right. Eccentric. That might be why she stayed a bit longer. Maybe, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Hard times. You might think, look, I could probably deal with that. Why are the snakes on dildos? I don't know. As if that's not weird enough. Why are the cockroaches on the... Why, of all fucking rooms, would why are the cockroaches on the why of all fucking rooms

would you put a cockroach on the wall kitchen and bathroom is where you probably may see a cockroach in real life so why would you put fake ones on the walls

maybe it's to ward off the other cockroaches maybe it's a thing well no not really because there's a real cockroach there he goes right I'll just stay still and he'll just think

I'm one of these cockroaches right lights off right here we go yeah cockroach about again now. Who knows? Fucking weirdo. Well done for leaving.

Well done. We're proud of you. Hello. Hi. That was like what I used to be like when I was a kid's entertainer. Right. Just wanted to ask, as I don't think anyone has done before, what's the worst or funniest thing you've both done when you've been drunk?

My husband's drunk story goes like this. He went out one night around three years ago. I put the kids to bed and went... Long night out? Carry on. Is he back yet? Hey. I hate it when you do, Dad, Joe.

I miss gigging so much. I know. Oh, Chris, don't, because it's really sad. Everything's been postponed. Oh, babes. Don't know about your tour yet, though, so just in case anyone's got tickets for Chris's tour. Yes, yes.

We still don't know what's happening. Anyway. I put the kids to bed and went to bed myself. I expected him to wake me up when he came in, but he didn't. I woke up early with the kids and thought I'd leave him to sleep off his hangover. He was drunkenly snoring in the bed next to me. I took the kids downstairs

and I noticed the toolbox on the kitchen bench. A bit random, I thought, as I was sure it wasn't there the night before, but I just put it away and forgot about it. After sorting the kids' breakfast, etc., we went into the conservatory and they were playing with their toys when i looked up and noticed something strange on the roof of the conservatory okay i went back upstairs to look out of our bedroom window to see what on

earth it was i made my way around to the window my partner's side of the bed and was greeted with a horrific sight a huge chunk of carpet right next to my partner's side of the bed was missing i looked out the window and there was the carpet on top of the conservatory roof covered in something which i later discovered was my partner's drunken sick sick wow needless to say i woke him up absolutely furious and he proceeded to tell me that he got into bed he threw up over the side of the bed yeah and instead of cleaning it up like a normal person or even disgustingly putting a towel over it yeah yeah he went downstairs got his stanley got a stanley knife from the tool bag and started hacking at the carpet fucking genius i love this man that's one of the best things i've ever heard but i'm sorry what an amazing drunken mind he hung out i know exactly what happened he got in yeah lay down he did that thing where you go i'll just go to bed

sleep it off and the room goes yeah you go oh fuck hide up looked at it and just what a man not being sexist but what a narrow minded blokey thing to do which is why

it's so brilliant oh that little patch of carpet snack head Stanley knife out the fucking window onto the concert hey no I'm not clapping that

I'm clapping twice for both of us you're kidding us he is my hero he's a moron fucking brilliant the man's a moron who hacks up

the carpet absolutely amazing because of vomit I'm so no I can't even take that clap back this is

the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life it's like the worst life hack ever ridiculous fucking hell if you did that I would be absolutely livid she's gone on to say I've ever heard in my life. It's like the worst life hack ever. Ridiculous. Fucking hell.

If you did that, I would be absolutely livid. She's gone on to say, this is Maxine, by the way, she's gone on to say that they'd only moved in the house not long ago and it was a brand new carpet. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh God. Livid she was. Livid. She said it's been three years and a house moved later and I still occasionally remind him about it.

What a twat. I agree. So good. So good. So good. It's so good. I love him. I love him. I don't.

I think that's... Straight away, you know, when you said there was a bit of carbon missing, I knew exactly what happened immediately. I did the whole thing in my head.

Toolbox, bish, bob. It's beautiful, that. It was like an episode of Sherlock, the way I had to put that together in my head. Do you know that's like something of a sitcom?

100%. Friday night dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm to put that together in my head. Do you not think that's something of a sitcom? 100%, Friday night dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to fuck the carpet up. I love it. I think he's brilliant. Brilliant. And he's drunken head, you know. He saw it was a new house that hadn't lived in long.

I guarantee you I will put my million pound that I've got of shit in front of people. I can blow it out of you. Yeah, I will blow that all on a bet now that in his drunken mind he was picturing the carpet fitter because he'd watched him with a styling knife

cutting the extra bits off do you think yeah 100% love him this might make you tingle a bit in a sexual way or a sad way

no I don't know it's a bit rude hey guess what I'm up for both oh well I'm up for both hey me too

me too me too sexy sad sex you ever had sad sex er not when I met you woah where's that come from I did cry once

after sex remember well I can't do I want to now not in a bad way like I don't know is this too much

I don't know just not remember when I was just happy and emotional and I had a little cry. Right after sex. Do one people know that? I don't know. You went through a stage of doing that.

I know. It's really strange. You did. You went through a stage of having a little cry afterwards. It's just hormones and emotions and stuff, isn't it? Honestly. Do you see what I live with you live with a woman

that's what it is we're complex little creatures don't bundle the rest of them in with you you're on special you're on your own weird little shelf I am

made of dildos I like it though I like it up here safe, strong, protected shafted shafty right hi Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous nah Unconnected. Shafted. Shafty. Right. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Please keep me anonymous. Nah. No, we will. We will. We always do. We always do. I apologise because I feel like I've just picked the rude ones, but I'm in a bit of a giddy mood.

Go for it. Who cares? Just listening to episode 70 about the condom story, you know, when Anne, Mother and all... Oh, God. Fished it out of her bag. Heavens to Betsy. Some of the I fished it out of a batch. Some of the things

we've discussed on here. No, I love it though. I love it. Same. 30 million downloads, so that's a lot of people over the world.

It's not knocking on 40 now, we're over 35 now. It's not. We're over 35 million now. No, who told you that? I saw it on a press release the other day.

Shut up. Yes. Wow. I'm going to have to text my Nana. I'm going to have to text my Nana. I'm not joking. The best bit is you're not joking. That's the best bit.

My boyfriend and I listened to this podcast together and upon hearing this story, we decided we needed to send in our story about something that happened to us at the start of our relationship. They felt compelled to tell us. So they heard the story of a mother-in-law, a potential mother-in-law,

to be fishing a condom out of a girl. Her son's girlfriend. And they resonated somehow with this and have sent us some, well... This is why I love this podcast. I'm all ears. So here we go. My boyfriend has a Prince Albert piercing.

Never in the world. Get him in the sea. Get him in... That is... You dirty, dirty, horrible pervert. I hate him. At first, the idea of this terrified me. Now, don't be scared, girls.

It's wonderful. Crack on. She loves it. Well, that's what it's for. It's for clitoral stimulation. That's what it what it's for. It's for clitoral stimulation. That's what it's for. How can it be for clitoral stimulation? Because the other bit comes out the top.

Do you know where a clitoris is, Chris? Yeah, on the top bit. I know you do. I know where a clitoris is. I think you'll just find you cry after sex sometimes. It'll stick out of you. Now, so the Prince Albert. Wow.

The Prince Albert's like a fishing hook, but it goes in the end of the dick. It goes in the end and then it comes out of the top. It's horrible. Yeah, but it goes nowhere near, if that's inside a lady, it goes nowhere near a clitoris. The top of the penis now has a metal ball on it,

like a fucking bulb on the top of a submarine. To be able to touch a clitoris, you just have to be bashing his flaccid penis off the top of a submarine. But to be able to touch a clitoris, you just have to be bashing his flaccid penis off the top of a badge. Is that not how you do sex? No. I thought that's what... Because it's like ribbed for pleasure kind of thing, isn't it?

That's what the little ball's for, and I thought it was for the top bit. No, it must be inside. Right, okay then. The penetration. It must be at the top of the... In the British Podcast Awards, how were we not nominated for Best Arts and Culture? right okay then the penetration like it must be at the top of the in the british podcast awards how were we not nominated for best arts and culture i have no idea or even best relationships

because this is helpful we don't even know where between where we don't know where the clitoris is i've wrote an email i know where my clitoris is don't you lie it moves now i don't know where it is today it's like that table in the caravan where look that it's like where's Wally in it it's like where's Wally you go I know this one he's over here hold on where is he

oh no yeah he's behind the food stand lost him again lost him for a supper okay anyway she loves it it would terrify me like I'm not gonna lie to you

it would terrify me getting it done it's the worst thing in the world really quick story right I used to work at the gadget shop

right I worked with a man who had his foreskin cut so when he got an erection it was like a cobra like shut the fuck up he showed us a picture oh did he now good we'll get him on showing young girls photos of that when he get his details up get him shafted out there now i know actually did actually pervert yeah i was only 16 17 and he showed you a photo of his dick penis dick dick snake dick i mean i was all right with looking at it how old was he i don't even know he wasn't that old we are thinking about it count the rings count the rings on it you didn't have it pierced it was just his skin was cut so that when he got an erection

it was like a like you know how people cut the tongue sometimes I hope upon hope now whoever he is I hope since then he's got it caught in something and it's really really hurt him because I think that's silly and I hope it's come back to bite him

ironically literally not each to their own though each to their own but don't be getting your dick sliced so it looks like a cobra what you doing

how bored how bored must you be of wanking and just like life in general? I honestly think you're misremembering this. I don't think this was a thing. I don't think.

I do absolutely remember it. And I'm not Googling it as you're all listening now thinking quickly. I hope the Google, I'm not Googling that. Not a chance. We'll Google it later.

I'm sure that was a thing. Okay. We had just had a fairly vigorous session and afterwards he realised that the ring was missing.

Bollocks. Yeah. Nah. Nah. But he wasn't sure if it was there at the start. Must take it in and out. He wasn't sure

if it was there. Well, like a set of keys. Like a set of keys. Don't know where they are. Not sure. Is me ring on me knob before I have sex with me guy? Get the fucking metal detector out later and see who's got it. Listen, he went all over the house to check if it hadn't fell out earlier.

Well, he didn't walk around with no one. Well, as his son might ask questions, if he found it on the floor in the morning, he wasn't staying with us that night, might I add. Imagine, Daddy, what's this ring? And these fingers and that. Oh, God. Prince Albert is the worst man.

Here we go. Searched, no ring. Very strange, we thought. I was worried that it had come off inside of me and it was going to rip up all my internal organs. I had to check. Great. I crouched down as far as I could in the bathroom with my legs open

and had to go as deep as I could, which is not easy, let me tell you. That's what she said. It's not easy. Okay. Okay. Now, then suddenly suddenly i felt it ding jesus and i had found it my boyfriend was now outside the door and i shouted it's in me it's in me it's in me she what is wrong with everyone? It wouldn't budge and had nestled itself away quite happily and I had to push and tug to get my body to release it.

Get your body to release it. What? I really didn't want to let it go. It's like that scene in Flash Gordon, you know, where they put their hands in that rock and that thing stings them. No. I've never seen Flash Gordon. Timothy Dalton and Flash getting into pieces of body. I've never seen Flash Gordon. Timothy Dalton

and Flash getting into pieces of badminton. I've never seen it. Oh, anyone who knows it, you know what I'm talking about. They put their hands in this rock and they've got to put it,

there's all these different holes into this rock and there's this fucking thing inside that can kill you. Like them things when you were a kid and you had to put it and feel what was inside

and guess, I hear them. So Flash Gordon ruined that for me. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid I watched it but that's what this reminds me of. The rat in the toilet ruined that for me as well.

Oh, there we go, yeah. Don't like surprises. God. Well, Flash Gordon's the rat in the toilet but in space. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, I watched it, but that's what this reminds me of. The rat in the toilet room that for me as well. Oh, there we go, yeah. Don't like surprises. God. Well, Flash Gordon's the rat in the toilet, but in space. Right, okay. Yeah, and it's a scorpion.

I'll look on YouTube. Okay. After a couple of goes, my body released it and we reunited them. Happy times. Jesus fucking Christ. From then on,

we called it my magpie vagina as it saw something shiny and claimed it as its own. I'm not even going to give you, I'm not even going to give you credit for how witty that is because I'm so disgusted in your story and your antics. It's very good. Listen, you enjoy your Prince Albert on your willy.

God. Each to their own. Christopher, we can't judge people. No, I can. No, I absolutely can. I absolutely can. And if I ever meet him, I'm going to throw a magnet at his dick and see how much he likes it.

Ow. Pervert. Ow. My brother wants to get a magnet at his dick. See how much he likes it. Ow. Pervert. Ow. My brother wants to get a metal detector, doesn't he? My Kev? I had no idea where that was going. I had no idea. Your brother bought a really expensive, really strong magnet that you put on a string.

Did he? Yeah, he bought a magnet that you put on a string and you drag it through rivers and it fucking pulls a load of stuff off. Oh, right. Okay, so I only heard half the story. Brilliant, so you weren't listening. So was that the rest of the story? Yeah, so the story is he bought a magnet and now he goes to rivers with a bit of magnet wrapped around a rope. He found some

ammunition he had to go and hand in at the police station. Yeah, from World War I. Yeah, still alive ammunition. Yeah, see, there you go. Saving the country. Nope, what is that there? Just boring. Just a boring, stupid thing to do. He's got a hobby. Leave him alone. It's not a hobby.

I'm not letting him have that. Love you, Kev. Not a hobby. He's got a bike. Come out on your bike with us. I've said, Kev, come out on your bike with us. Idiot. He's too busy.

Don't tell me, Dad, that you're going rivers with magnets because he'll join you because that's absolutely up my dad's street. I'll never hear the fucking end of it. I'm going to tell him. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Chris. Yes.

Spell roast. Roast. Mm-hmm. R-O-A-S-T. Spell most. M-O-S-T. Spell host. H-O-S-T. What do host. H-O-S-T.

What do you put in a toaster? Bread. Fucking hell. Do you know what it makes? Hot bread. Hot bread. Backfired that, didn't it? It did.

Never mind. I just wanted to test it. Dead excited there, weren't you? No. Dead excited there, weren't you? Honestly, no. Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a six-year-old. I'm going to try it on Robin when he gets back.

What are we going to do next? Are you going to do one of them little pick a number, pick a colour things? Childish. Do you know why I'm so mentally agile? Bike rides.

Great. Here's one for you. Yeah. The man who made it sold it. Coffin. I haven't finished. Okay then.

Oh, you've ruined it. It's a coffin, isn't it? You've ruined it. it's a coffin innit you've ruined it it's a coffin oh I'm so good oh you're a bellend no you for the

for the sake of our listeners you didn't even play along because you're that arrogant you couldn't even play along and put your put your arrogance to one side and go you know what

I know the answer to this but I'm gonna play along just in case anyone listening hasn't heard this. You're such a bellend. Do you know what it is? You're calling me arrogant. All you're trying to do

is make me look stupid on my own podcast here. Absolutely not. How dare you? How dare you? Just so anyone wants to know that, the man who made it, sold it.

The man who bought it, never used it. The man who used it, never saw it because he was brown bread. Brown hot bread. Hot bread. Dead.

Once again, thank you so much. We say it all the time, but we genuinely mean it. Thank you for coming back week after week. You've been listening to Shag Maridanoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, guys, thank you so, so much. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmaridanoid at gmail.com.

The audiobook and the book are coming out on the 3rd of September. 3rd of September and the book are coming out on the 3rd of September 3rd of September the book will be out and the audio book will be out you can pre-order those now and as I said

the new tickets extra tickets for the London Palladium show are on sale also on shagmardinoid.com stay safe stay well we love you a bit

we'll see you next week love yous bye Love yous. Bye. Bye. Bye. and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th

when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.