Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 74. Queen Bee in The Side Garden

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

This week Chris and Rosie discuss their new flying neighbours. Rosie has a mystery...which is promptly solved and they hear about what not to do after you've been to Nandos.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married and Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, who currently doesn't have to carry our baby, Chris Ramsey.

And I am absolutely not hearing the end of it. Everything that happens, the baby wants a biscuit, and baby wants you to turn the channel over. The baby likes it when I leave the door open while I'm having a poo. Unbelievable. The baby does like that, actually. Oh, God.

The baby gets claustrophobic when the downstairs door opens. Just terrible. Just terrible. But you're coping alright. You're having a bit of a day aren't you?

But you're coping. I'm a bit tired today. Listen, I'm not going to lie. I'm having a coffee currently because it makes you tired. Just when I say to you you go what's the matter and I go I'm really tired

and you go is it the baby? And I go well what else is it going to be? I don't know, I just hear laziness, general miserableness and stuff like that. That must be what it is, yeah. So Rosie said, just before we started this podcast, she said, I'm a bit tired, can you sort of carry

it this week? I said, this week? That went down like a sack of shit. I'll be honest with you, dear listener, me jokes, they normally don't go down great in the house, but at the moment they are fucking crashing and burning. Yeah. There's some Hindenburg jokes

going on here. I don't know what that means. Oh good there's another one. Straight over her head. How about. She's crouching down because she's got a baby

weighing her down whinging about it. How about you just stop. Listen it is episode 74 as always you beautiful people thank you so much for coming back thank you so much

for listening rating and subscribing. We love it a bit. And before we continue, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Is it though? Yes.

Is it? This week's sponsor is... Hey. Hey. Is it a nice day outside? You getting yourself out to maybe the park or the beach? Yeah?

Nice and sunny, is it? Yeah? Oh, hold on. It's not as sunny as you thought it would be, is it? No? Oh, well, you can use our new catchphrase hey

if it wasn't for that wind it would be a lovely day this week's sponsor is the catchphrase if it wasn't for that wind it would be a lovely day say it really loud so everyone around you can hear they already fucking knew

but just say it anyway I say that a lot actually so many people said it at the beach well no maybe people don't understand that. It's a northern thing, and because we live on the coast, it's always windy here. If it wasn't for that wind, it would be a lovely day.

If it wasn't for that six foot of snow and that cold wind, it would be a lovely day. If it wasn't for that wind, you'd think you were in the south of France. If it wasn't for that acid rain, it would be a lovely day. Do you know what I always say about our beach and I've said it for years? If it wasn't for that wind,

we'd have sun loungers on this beach. You do. I've heard you say that. It's a beautiful beach. We've got weather we'd have sun loungers the full length of this.

We would. They'd be higher in the mouth but it's bastard freezing because it's off the North Sea. I've said that for years. I think I've stole it from Sandra. Coming soon from the same catchphrase company, it's hot, but a bit too hot.

Never. It's never too hot in England. People who say that weren't locked up. You shouldn't say that in England because you're just tempting faith, even on the hottest days. Tempting faith. What did I say?

Tempting faith, you said. Oh, yep. That's the new one. You're a Oh, yep. That's the new one. You're a baby. No, that's the new one. It's after COVID, Tempting Faith. Tempting Faith. That's the one.

Getting a bit religious. Faith's dead now. Right. Good God. She's talking gobbledygook. It's going to be fun. Here's the jingle. Oh, she remembered this time.

Oh, the jingle. Cracking. Jingle, jingle. Had to point at her, though. Well, there we go. Stop pointing at us, you prick. It's another thing. It's going to be fun.

We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. If I've got a little notepad I might just make a tempting faith this wees. I'm going to start a little note. Please don't. Okay then. Don't. Do you know what might have actually put me in a little bit of a stinker mood?

What? The fact that just before we started recording, you went, oh, I've got a great beef. Been waiting to say this for ages. That's nice. Even before we start just saying how you're doing and all that, you're ready just to slag me off. Excuse me.

Sometimes you have a right goat me in the intro so you can fucking do one. You can. Fair enough. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. How are you diddling? I'm all right.

Little tiddler face. How are you doing? Little tiddler face um we've had an event for a little more actually haven't we i was on the phone to uh might be a record carl hutchinson oh shock mention very early anybody else i've got no other friends um so i was on the phone call and you started screaming chris you were like bearing in mind you're pregnant i got i was a little bit annoyed actually because you were like chris and i was like oh i'm on the phone love and you were like i need! Bearing in mind you're pregnant, I was a little bit annoyed, actually, because you were like, Chris! And I was like, oh, I'm on the phone, love. And you were like, I need you! I was like, oh, obviously my brain catastrophizes. I'm like, oh, she's dying on the floor.

She's bleeding out. The baby's fell out premature. That's a lovely image. Well, I mean, brain goes to the worst place. And I ran through, and you were just standing looking out the window, and there was a massive swarm of bees in the garden. Actually, I think that is a shoutable occasion.

I need you was a bit too... Chris, I need you! And bit too and chris i need you and i went two seconds call him i have to go and i like ran through and i went what you went look at all these bees you need us do you you absolute knob i just wanted your attention so bad do you know you've recently you've recently been on the way back from the shops right and you would fucking text me telling us to open our gate, our front gate and our back door because you can't do it because you're on the phone to Steph, your mate.

And I've had to literally come out, let you in, and then start getting the washing in because you're on the phone to Steph. You won't even stop calling her to fucking let yourself into your own house. I've lost the fob. I know you've lost the fob. That's another thing I'm annoyed at. And that's in me beefs. That's one of me beefs, actually.

Not this week, but it's there. It's going to come. You have lost the fob. That's annoying. lost the fob. That's another thing I'm annoyed at. And that's in me beefs. That's one of me beefs, actually. Not this week, but it's there. It's going to come. You have lost the fob. That's annoying. But yes, oh, Steph's on the phone. Fucking Queen Royalty Steph's on the phone. Oh, everything else has to stop. I'm on the phone to call.

You see some fucking wildlife. Everything has to... Can we please just clarify that there was a lot of bees. There's a lot of bees. That wasn't just two or three bees. It was like 60 bees. And I was ready to go outside. I would say more than 60.

Well, then 100 bees, right? Three million bees are in the side garden. I was going out for a little coffee, wanted to have a sit. I got the fright of my life. They've escaped from next door because next door I've got bees for some reason. Next door I've got a beehive, and although I don't understand it, I have had the honey a couple of times. It is very nice.

Lovely honey. But you'd think we lived, the way that we're saying that, we sound like we live in some sort of rural area with farmland it's really not we live off a

main street within a minute of talking we're talking about security gates and we're next door neighbours who've got bees

we sound like oh god I'm so proud oh god I want to eat something I don't know hummus or something I don't know

I've got smoked salmon in the fridge no I'm alright the bees though Oh, I don't know. Hummus or something. I don't know. I've got smoked salmon in the fridge. No, I'm all right. The bees, though. Yeah. So I went and knocked on our neighbours just to say, look, I don't know how it works. Like, it was a really strange knock

because I had to just go like, have you lost some bees? Because there's fucking loads of bees in our garden. You let your bees out again. Have you misplaced a shit ton of bees and so what happened was he said oh the guy the lovely couple and they said oh yeah the beekeeper was here the other day and he looked and he was like oh there's some bees missing some of them have gone and i was like right so they explained it was that apparently they can't sting while they're swarming so that's

interesting okay and they said there'll be a queen, basically. So they're on our wall now, like a big fucking patch. Queen B. Queen B is in our side garden right now. Doing a gig. Are you taking the piss? Doing a gig, yeah. Oh, my God. The Queen B. Yeah, a Queen B.

No. Is in our garden. The Queen B. No, an actual Queen B. Wow. Is Queen B Beyonce? Is that the joke? Yes.

Cool. So my neighbour basically said that the um the bee man will come around at some point so essentially we're waiting for him today he's going to come around he's coming here he's going to come around to get rid of the bees but what he does apparently is no protective gear he just literally comes with a cardboard box grabs a hold of the queen bee with his hand slings it in the cardboard box and the rest of the bees just jump in the box after the queen bee he said he doesn't wear any of the stuff. Groupies.

Sheep. Pathetic. Sheeple. Doesn't wear any protective gear, apparently. But get this, the bee guy,

his wife, is apparently full on, EpiPen level allergic to bee stings. Yet he still comes out and fannies on. I mean,

how much do you fucking like honey? That's weird. How? So he says, when he goes in the house he has to make sure there's no bees in the room

because if one just randomly comes in and stings her she has to full on have like an adrenaline shot. What? Yeah. Why is he still doing that job?

I mean he's got a very understanding wife. Can you imagine if that was me and you? Can you imagine? What if I was allergic to comedy or laughing? Well to be fair

the pregnancy you're halfway there. Just hormonal, Chris, actually. No, you'd have to quit. That's, I don't know if I believe that.

Why would me neighbour lie? I don't, I don't know. What level of suspicion? Are you going to go knock on this afternoon? What's all this bullshit you've been telling me, husband?

Why do they keep bees when we live you know 200 yards from farm foods where they sell honey come on to be fair that honey that they grow

it is very nice actually I would love another jar I think we deserve one now we'll fucking rent rent for them bastards I would say big news this week

oh yeah what is it this week erm come on July yeah what's happening erm

we're recording the audiobook hmm that's the biggest thing that's happened this week is it oh our anniversary wow

is that what you're talking about yeah as if I as if I had to push for that you honestly what do you see what I go through guys

see what this is through, guys? See what this is? Is it? Why are you talking about that? Because it's our anniversary. I know it is. Happy anniversary. But this is the first year that you're actually acknowledging it. Because what have you been doing every other year, Chris?

Working. Every other year of our anniversary, you've worked. Propping this family up. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Propping this family up. Funny, because all of the gigs that you've done on that date, you know, because you knew

that the year we got married that date was cemented for the rest of our lives yet you could have avoided a gig on that year on that date of that year got to go with the workers

got to go with the workers that's rubbish do you know what I'm saying I'm sure one time you did something where you didn't even get paid yeah probably just some sort of exposure

or something that's sad sad news anyway yeah six years happy anniversary is it six oh I don't know yes something and I thought that's sad. Sad news. Anyway, yeah. Six years. Happy anniversary. Is it six?

Oh, I don't know. Yes. It is. No, it is. 2014 we got married. Wow. So it's six years. Six years married. That's pretty cool, isn't it?

It's the 25th of July. So there we go. Don't be telling everyone. Don't know. Isn't it weird because you always think but anniversary doesn't matter, doesn't it?

Why? Because I just always think sometimes if people doesn't matter, doesn't it? Why? Because I just always think sometimes if people know your birthday and then they could steal your identity, but anniversary doesn't mean anything. So yeah, everyone can know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, just...

Just you in the queue at the bank, just someone in front of you who's just a bloke. I'm Rosie Ramsey. No, I am. Sorry, two seconds. Sir, when were you married? It's the 25th of rosie ramsey no i am sorry two seconds sir when were you married it's the 25th of july 25th oh sorry can we get this lady out she's clearly an imposter this builder knows the wedding date this must be rosie ramsey love your podcast rosie thank you here's your 25 000 pound loan enjoy

i've got to be honest with you. I still rip up everything that's got our address on and everything that comes through and I get annoyed every single time I do that. Identity theft is a thing. It really fucks me off. It's disgusting, isn't it? It really fucks us off.

It's the lowest of the low. I just like everything, everything that comes through your door has obviously got your address on it. Sometimes it's like a cardboard box and it's got a sticker on it and there's loads of sellotape on it and I'm pulling it off

and should I eat them sometimes? No don't yeah no so if i'm like doing if i'm doing the recycling and i'm away from the bin and i'm just pulling the little bits off so if i'll get an envelope i'll pull a little square off which has got all the stuff on and sometimes i think instead of ripping that up into tiny bits i'll just sometimes just eat it for a bit and then just spit it out so you don't swallow it no i might have swallowed one by accident but I just chewed up loads and loads and loads like a spitball thing so that no one could ever kind of ruffle it out. That is so grim. What is wrong with you? Well, it's that safety man. I'm protecting the family. I know, but really? By eating paper?

It's chewing paper. I think I've only swallowed it once. Just cut it up. Last week, that was weird, wasn't it? That letter that I got. What letter? The letter I got from the past. Oh, that was strange. Oh, yeah. I got a letter last week to our address

where Chris and I have lived for like five years. It had my maiden name on and it had my home address that I grew up in 15 years ago. And somehow it ended up at our house and I have no idea how it got there. As you're kind of saying it I've just realised that maybe the person who lives there

now just walked up and posted it through for us. How do they know where we live? I don't know. Just follow the sound of bees buzzing. Must be that. Maybe that actually is quite... That might be what happened happened I do think the people who live there now

are cousins with someone I know that probably yeah okay fair enough join us next week for more Rosie Mysteries

mystery solved did you hear the new feature on the Ramsey on the Chris Ramsey and Rosie Ramsey podcast

I did the Rosie's Mysteries. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was, I was glad it got solved straight away from the anxiety, but it was, it was piss poor. I'm writing that down. The Rosie's Mysteries. That's getting wrote down.

That'll be, we should do, we do a new little feature. We should do a feature of like true or false. No. Yes. Fuck no. We've got our features. Our features are set in stone. No, I'm doing a new feature, Rosie's Mysteries.

Oh, she's typing it down. It'll be there next week, guys. Jesus. Rosie's Mysteries, true or false? Okay, you're going to love this. Shut the... I am, right, I am going to put money on now that I'm not going to love this. You are.

I feel I'm going to be annoyed by it. It's either going to be stupid or really easy. That's my guess as to what it's going to be. Okay, there'll be a jingle. Well, at least there'll be a jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So we are currently recording our audio book this week as well, aren't we? Yeah, we are.

It's really weird because we're going to a recording studio in Newcastle to do it. And we kind of, it took us so long to change the podcast into a book. It's not a transcript. Nothing's been repeated in the book from the podcast, guys. But it took us so long to get out of podcast headspace

and then into book headspace and write it and do it all proper and grown up. And real words. And read words and grammar. Yeah, not Geordie slang.

And now we've had to go back and do it. It's get strange, isn't it? Yeah. It's really strange.ie, not Geordie slang. Yeah, not slang. And now we've had to go back and do it. It's get strange, isn't it? Yeah. It's really strange. There's no geeks in it. But we coped a lot yesterday. Yes.

We laughed a lot. I did enjoy it because I go to that recording studio to record whenever I do voiceover for a TV show, I go there and I hate going

and standing that thing but it was really fun having you there with us. We had a nice time, didn't we? We had a right laugh. We had sushi for dinner. We did. It was very exciting. Chris read the book back We had a nice time, didn't we? We had a right laugh. We had sushi for dinner. We did.

It was very exciting. Chris read the book back for the first time. I read the book. It's all right. It's not bad. It's all right. Yeah. I wrote it, by the way.

I like half wrote it, guys. But basically, I mean, I don't know if I'm not going to name him, but I had someone on when I did the Chris Ramsey show on Comedy Center. I don't know if we've talked about this before, but I had someone on the Chris Ramsey show who blatantly during an interview with me admitted to using a ghostwriter. Yeah. And I was like, mate, you know, you never say that out loud.

And he was like, oh shit, okay. So they took it out of the show. But I'm not saying that. I'm just saying I wrote it. I never proofread it. Rosie's proofread it twice. And now I'm reading it for the first time. And it's nice.

Whereas I'm very much, you know, I'm a bit bored of it, if I'm honest. Not that exciting after four times reading it. I read a paragraph yesterday that I'd wrote right at the beginning of the process almost a year ago.

I thought it was great. I was like, this is fantastic. Hey, I'll pat myself on the back. Hey, well done, Chris. You've made yourself laugh. Well done, Chris from the past.

Well done, little author, Chris. Just to let you know, the audiobook is available to pre-order now on audible.co.uk. And also the actual hard copy of the book is available to pre-order now. The one you can touch with your fingers and smell.

Yes. Oh, I wonder what it's going to smell like. Fish, probably. Awful. That's what new paper smells like. Does it? But they are both out to buy in the shops, etc. Online, 3rd of September.

3rd of September. But they are available to pre-order now. So, thank you in advance. There you go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! So, I've done a lot of different things in my careers. I've done a bit of acting, stand-up, podcasting, author. This week, I became a model.

So, I'm an Instagram model now I don't know if you're aware because you took a picture in the t-shirt that your friends made yeah Instagram model

so it's got like 30,000 likes has it actually he sold out he sold out it's uh I don't know if you've seen it I don't know if you guys

you've all seen it it's uh me standing on a beach looking you know sort of like foreboding like looking off into the distance I've got sunglasses on

but it's actually quite cloudy but you know I'm a model so it's cool um and uh yes my mate's uh clothing brand and he sold out all of his stock sold out after my uh after my what how can i put it without sounding uh lushness after my lushness in the t-shirt yeah so i don't know if you noticed but i'm drinking cucumber water now and you know just had some celery in that let's see oh good i'll pause this in a minute i'll go do some press-ups well you should have I don't know if you noticed, but I'm drinking cucumber water now. And, you know, just had some celery in that. Oh, good. I'll pause this in a minute. I have to go do some press-ups. Well, you should have probably put some sun cream on the other day when we were at the beach because you burnt your nose.

I have burnt my nose. And you look ridiculous. The enemy nose is red. That's not what models do. Models look after themselves. Well, you know. And you've got a little brown spot in your teeth underneath thing where you drink too much tea.

So. I mean, it's just getting personal now. It's not very model-like, is it? It's just getting a bit much. I don't think models do that. Dentists are closed. I think they look after themselves a bit better. It's very, very harsh.

And, you know, if I wasn't a model, I would probably take that really personally. But I know that, obviously, I'm a very good-looking model, so you're obviously just wrong and jealous. Oh, I'm always jealous, isn't it? Yeah. Not jealous of you, mate. Wrong and jealous.

So there's that. This is weird. Genuinely, once, you know, you're talking about my little red nose off the sunburn. I didn't realise it was sunburn because I'm stupid. I thought I just had some kind of blind spot on the end of my nose. A blind spot? What do you mean? Like a spot without a head.

Not a blind spot like in a car. Like a spot without a head because I've got loads of little block pores on my nose a blind spot what do you mean like a spot without a head not a blind spot like in a car like a spot without a head because i've got loads of little pot block pores on my nose nice so last night i thought that's obviously one of them so i gave it a good squeeze nothing came out nothing happened i woke up this morning realized oh that actually looks like sunburn so my nose is killing us but interestingly it reminded us when i was in a i think i was in year year 10 or year 11 at school i had really really not it's been year 10 or year 11 at school, I had really, really, not just been year 9 or year 10, I had really bad acne. Yeah. It cleared up by year 11.

But I had one morning I woke up and I had like, honestly, the full end of my nose was just bright red. So there was like some kind of spot under the skin. It was bright red. My mum let us stay off school. Oh, did you? I remember. Yeah, yeah.

She let us stay off. I said, oh, and I was like worried worried and I was like, oh, mum. And she was like, you can put some concealer or something on it. And I was getting dead upset. And she was like, look, just stay off. And she let us stay off. Oh, bless. Oh, isn't your mum sweet?

And that, Connie, I completely forgot all about it until I looked in the mirror and I was like, this is exactly what it looked like. Oh, bless her. Speaking of your mum, your mum is currently my go-to pregnancy sympathiser. Really? Yeah. She's very good at giving sympathy. She's really good.

She always asks us how I am, but not like my mum asks us. Sandra goes, how are you? And I go, I'm a bit tired. She goes, well, you know, you'll be fine. Because she's had three kids and it was years ago and now she just thinks that she's a superwoman and you're not allowed to be poorly around Sandra because

well you're just not allowed you get zero sympathy from my mum over anything so but your mum your mum is amazing your mum is genuinely

like hand on your knee how are you feeling today and I'm like I'm just so tired Anne and she's like eee eee oh yeah

oh petal and I'm like Anne I'm just I'm just so pregnant I'm so tired I'm so hormonal and she's just lovely and she's like oh yeah and i'm like i'm just i'm just so pregnant i'm so tired i'm so hormonal and she's just lovely and she's like do you want a little cup of a glass of water i'm like i do honestly nothing from my mom my mom's like get your trainers on go for a walk that'll cheer you over a five mile hike your mum's fucking answer to everything is go for a walk. Honestly, man. Honestly.

It's like she's a doctor, but she's got some kind of affiliation with a sports company. So she's like, get some walking shoes on. These are available with me later. Yeah, no, it's like she's sponsored by Hadrian's Wall. She just wants everyone to walk everywhere. It's infuriating. I love you, Sandra.

But honestly, if you tell me to go for one more bastard walk I'm not not going for any walks I'm just so glad that for like that little 30 second rant there your anger was aimed at someone else

and not me yeah I enjoyed that that was nice I mean you're not very sympathetic either oh back to normal but no

because last week you had to get up early with Robin well not had to but you've been really kind you've been letting us have a little lie in because I'm knackered. Every day you get a lie-in.

Right, okay. Because I'm a good guy. Right, let's get to the bones of this, okay? Oh, Jesus. Because currently, other than the podcast, you don't have a job right now. Okay. Right? Whereas I'm still doing a lot of other work, right?

Define work. As well as the podcast. Define work. Instagram. Ah, fl? Define work. As well as the podcast. Define work. Instagram. Ah, flogging and stuff. Well, and just being active on there and doing stuff in general. Just your thumbs.

Okay, right? Click, click. So, you're getting up with Robin. Who gets up from, you know, any time between half past six and eight o'clock? Yes. Right? You're mourning that you are shattered

because you're getting up with Robin and I'm just having an extra hour or so, right? Mm-hmm. If you had a regular job every day, you'd be getting up anyway to go to work. Yes. So I don't see how you can complain while I am brewing our bane

and you're doing naff all. Okay, then. The main thing that annoys us is when I say, shall we get an early night? And you go, yeah, and I turn the telly off. You fucking lie.

I've mentioned this before. You lie on the fucking sofa like it's a game of musical statues. Like the telly goes off and I go, shall we go to bed? Yeah, we'll go to bed. And then you're just like lying there just staring at the middle distance

like you're under a fucking spell. I'm like, well, get up then. I will in a minute. Get up. I want to go to bed. And you're the one who turns on and goes, shall we watch one more episode of this?

Shall we watch another half an episode? Well, no, because I'm the one who's around and goes should I watch one more episode of this should I watch another half an episode well no because I'm the one who's got to get up anywhere from 6 to 8 o'clock and it's the not known if he got up here's your answer

I've answered it here if I was getting up for work I would know what time I was getting up well set an alarm set an alarm

don't be ridiculous set your alarm for 6 o'clock every day and then at least you know exactly so shut your stupid face and do you know what just for this couple of weeks let us just be tired couple of weeks nine months For six o'clock every day. It's ridiculous because you might get up at eight. You might get up at eight. I'd be fucking raging. So shut your stupid face.

And do you know what? Just for this couple of weeks, let us just be tired. Couple of weeks? Nine months. Bollocks, nine months. It will be. You weren't even here last time. Don't. I'm not in the mood.

I'm not in the mood. She's bringing up the past. Me and the baby will eat you alive, so don't even bother. Right? God. Shit, Dad. That. Well.

I'll take shit, husband, but I will not take shit, Dad. Well, then, but you're not getting up for the beans. Eh? Get up for the beans, shit, Dad. I grew them. You. You water them. On a morning, you're currently staying in bed longer than a teenager.

It's actually embarrassing. I'm actually not. That's not true. You sleep, and then you go, get us up at eight. And I get you up at eight. Then you go, bring us a coffee. And I bring you a coffee. Bring us a slice of toast. Bring us me lunch.

Bring the podcast equipment upstairs. I can't. Honestly, do you not notice I don't really sit... I don't sit upstairs. We've got a little table and chairs in the bedroom as well. And I don't sit there anymore when you're in bed because it just makes us sad. I like to get up and be...

If I'm up, I'm up. Do you know what I mean? But I like to live like I'm in Downton Abbey. I quite like it when you come in and open the curtains for us. I'm like, oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah, mate. Are you kidding me?

Yeah. That's a life I could live. You'd like to get dressed and washed like a baby, wouldn't you? Yeah. Someone who lifts your legs up and pulls your knickers off and gives you a wipe. You'd love it, wouldn't you? Yeah. What a slob.

Fucking mess. You're a mess. I could. I really could. Maybe that's what I was in the past life yeah so i always thought i'd have been a lot poorer but maybe i was really rich really maybe i was like the one that was getting dressed so do you believe in past lives um um yeah right but you also believe in heaven so you gotta kind of pick one or do you get a certain amount or is

heaven like the arcade and then you go and put ten pence in the machine and then, boom, you're having a life? Can you not have had a past life if you believe in heaven? I don't think they're the same. No, I think heaven is you live once, then you're done. I don't think you have a shitload when you go there. You believe whatever you fancy on the day, don't you? Yeah, yeah.

That's how I like to use my faith, if I'm honest. That's what I do. I'm very selfish with it. See, the thing about past lives... Some days she's praying. Some days she's listening to fucking Richard Dawkins and Brian Cox and Quoting Science. And other days she's fucking rubbing two stones together

that her sister gave her for fucking good energy. Don't slag off me crystals!. Don't slack off me crystals. Do not slack off me crystals. I knew you'd bring them up. I knew it. They brought me so much good energy. They have them,

the two fucking stones. They've brought you now. They've brought you now but a little bit of a stress reliever to rub together. Don't, they brought me everything,

actually. Everything? Everything. Okay, so my thing is with past lives i this is gonna sound ridiculous but i really love like period dramas i just feel like the the that I love it, I feel like I was there. You're laughing, but it's true. Honestly, I watch them and I go,

I think that was me if I was in a past life. So you like it, right, I'm not taking the mic here, so you like it so much, like Downton and stuff and you watch it

and you watch that time period and you relate to it. Earlier than Downton. Alright, okay. Much earlier. I'm like Nancy off Oliver Twist. Okay, so you love and relate to that so much that you watch that time period, and you relate. Earlier than Downton. All right, okay. Much earlier. I'm like Nancy off Oliver Twist.

Okay, so you love and relate to that so much that you think that might have been you. See, I'm the same with, I love pizza, so I think maybe I was a pizza in a past life. You're mocking me here. I'm what? Oh, no, I'm not.

Maybe I might have been a pizza, because I like pizza so much. A spinach and ricotta. Yeah, that's what I see you as. Spinach and ricotta. That's one of the worst. Blah, blah, no. Maybe I might have been a pizza because I like pizza so much. A spinach and ricotta. Yeah, that's what I see you as. Well, that's... Spinach and ricotta. That's one of the worst. Blah, blah, blah.

That's one of the biggest insults I've ever been given. Exactly. Spinach and ricotta. I don't think I can continue this podcast. Enjoy it. Don't slag me. You'd pass lives off.

Getting a lot of negative energy. Where's them crystals? I'll have a look with them. Sort everything out. Me granddad's judging you from heaven. Oh, it's just switched, it's just changed now. I'm just across the board. I'm just on all of them, honestly.

It's all about hedging your bets. That's what it is. I'll bet on red, black, and the green zero, please. £10 on each. Well, this is what's going to happen when I die. They'll be like, you believed in all of them. Where would you like to go? Oh, great.

Yeah, yeah. And I'll go. Like a fucking, like a metro centre voucher that you can use in all the shops. I'm a high street voucher. You're a high street voucher. That sums you up.

In fact, in a past life, I do believe you may have been a high street voucher. Get in. Speaking of babies, got another little baby on the way, which we are very, very excited about. A little rona. Don't.

I think it couldn't have come at a better time. Right. Because I don't think, I don't think Robin is our little baby anymore. Oh, he's not? I was putting him to bed the other night. You're going to tell the story you told me. And he was lying in bed next to us while reading the story.

And he had the duvet pulled up to his sort of neck. And he was doing something under the duvet. And I was ignoring him and just reading the story. And he went, Daddy, after this, are you going downstairs for your dinner? I said, yes. He grabbed the quilt and he pulled the quilt down and he thrusted his crotch up and he had his willy sticking over the top of his pyjama pants

and he went that's what you're having for your dinner I don't know if we can say this we can of course we can I went don't know if I can say this we can of course it's horrible I went I went don't ever

do that again but it was one of them moments it was one of them really difficult parenting moments where did you want to laugh of course I wanted to laugh

it was fucking hilarious it was rude it was crude it was absolutely hilarious but I had to go that is rude obviously I ran straight down here I told you

I sent Carliton a voice note telling him I was like this fuckingens and a voice note telling him I was like this fucking kid's a genius he does it to me all the time if he's got a long

enough top on a t-shirt on just covering his tiddler you'll go to the bathroom take his underpants off and you'll come in and you'll go mummy lift me top up

and I'll go why? and I lift it up and he goes meh and I go oh god can you remember

the other morning when we were going to the beach where the fuck did this come from we're going to the beach and you put i'm looking at them they're sitting on they're on the chair behind you you put a little t-shirt and shorts rosie put a little t-shirt and shorts on them and they're what they're like it's like a baseball kind of thing they've got stripes on it's like big they're like quite long yeah a matching t-shirt and short combo to put them on for the beach because we're going to have a little picnic at the beach. And he was kicking off

that he didn't want to wear them. He wanted to put something else on. And can you remember what he said? He said, why don't you want to wear them? And he said, because I look like a train driver. You look like a train driver?

And he did. And he did. And I was pissing myself because he had, but where's he seen a train driver like that? I don't know. He was like,

I look, I don't, and he was like getting upset. He's like, I look like a train driver like that I don't know he was like getting upset he was like I look like a train driver so I just fucking we're just both buckled and just said

alright you don't have to wear them then so they're going to spare if anyone fancies them he's got his new glasses and he's had his hair cut and he had a cap on as well and he actually had

his all in one swimming costume underneath he didn't look great to be fair he didn't look great to be fair and he knew he nailed the train driver because he did look a bit like a train driver do you know what look great to be fair. He didn't look great to be fair and he knew. He nailed the

train driver thing because he did look a bit like a train driver. Do you know what's going to be really horrible? His insults when he's a bit older

and he's insulting them properly. I think they're going to be cutting. Vicious. Vicious, cutting and really, really hurtful.

I'm not looking forward to it at all. I know. He's going to be one of the people who can pick your smallest insecurity and

just shine a fucking light on it for everyone. Oh yeah, but that's kids in general. But then at the same time, he's very loving and he's dead smart. Oh, there's only moments. Yeah, God, there's only moments.

He's the best. But yeah. But he'll never listen to this. It's all good. Yeah. Slag him as much as you want. Yeah, fucking. I'm joking.

That's really bad. Me being. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, no, don evil. The first Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother of the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil movie of the year. The first Omen in theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City. You're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef minute. Can't eat beef tartare? No, can't eat anything. Do you ever eat beef tartare? I do like beef tartare.

No, but you're saying it like it's cereal. It's something you have every day. Oh yeah, only when I'm in a restaurant. In only certain restaurants. So actually, no, it doesn't really matter right now. Literally, I think you've gone multiple nine-month stretches in your life without having beef tartare. Yeah. I've probably only had it about three times.

I always think it's Mr Bean. When he puts it in the little pot. He puts it in the little bun and everything, doesn't he? Because it's minging. Love that programme. There you go. So no beefs this week?

No beefs, no. No beefs the week off, are there? Nothing other than, I just can't be arsed. Can't be arsed. No. Really pregnant, aren't you? Really, really pregnant.

15 weeks. 15 weeks 15 weeks Yeah Look at that Tired Hormonal Everything in between Nosebleeds

Left right and centre That was fun by the way In the car Good fun yeah Nose just exploded That was nice Yeah Anyone driving along

Looked like I'd just Done something terrible Or Slammed the brakes on really hard And you'd hit your face off the Yeah actually I didn't think of that Oh that would have been good I haven't had any sickness Touch wood Which is nice something terrible or slam the brakes on really hard and you'd hit your face off the yeah actually I didn't think of that oh that would have been good

I haven't had any sickness touch wood which is nice but yeah everything else I'm just tired so that's your beef with yourself

that's me beef with myself what's your beef with me okay do you want me to start yeah you start okay my beef with you this week is

so recently we mentioned it not that while ago not that long ago a couple of episodes not that while back you are not on the ball are you not mentioning that while about not that while back um not that while back you can stick with it yeah we told you guys about my little stoop in the bathroom yes

where I brush my teeth yes you kind of took the piss out of it a little bit actually you were like you have to sit on your little stoop and brush your teeth little windowsill thing

last couple of weeks Chris when we've been going to bed together at the same time brushing my teeth who's decided to sit in my little stoop and I've had to stand on multiple occasions to brush my teeth well just you know sit me little stoop and i've had to stand on multiple occasions

to brush my teeth well just you know i'm just expanding my territory no yeah i don't think it's i do not think that it's on do you know what it is it's actually really comfortable i know it is the floor steps up a bit so you can put one foot in there you put one foot on the bath and you sit right in there and i bet it's even nicer is it even nicer in the winter when the radio songs it's like yeah yeah i've been sitting there for years but you know what really really pissed me off what

we'd had an argument yeah the other night quite a heated argument we had yeah yeah and we brushed our teeth in silence and you sat on me stoop

and I could have stabbed you on the stoop maybe why I did it I won the end of that argument did you do it deliberately it was very vicious

it might have been subconscious but I might have been like you know fuck it I'll just sit here it's like pissing on me tree you can also look at yourself

in the mirror there's like a second mirror in the bathroom on that little corner on the side of the shower and you can do that it is a good little you've picked a good little spot

and I'm happy to take it off your hands for a fair price no for a fair price I can't brush my teeth standing up now why I just can't knowing my teeth standing up now. Why?

I just can't. Lazy. Knowing that my stoop's there. Lazy. No. So don't do it again. We'll see. Behave yourself.

Wow. Wow. No, you can have it back. I don't want it. Thank you. What do you beef with me? My beef with you this week is you. Oh, sorry.

What do you beef with me and the baby? That's bullshit. You can't say that. The baby is part of you. Oh, sorry. What's your beef with me and the baby? That's bullshit. You can't say that. The baby is part of me. No, no. I've got no... Baby, if you're listening, I have no beef. I have no quarrel with you.

They're asleep. Right, well... Fast asleep. Well, hopefully they're still asleep. They haven't actually got real years yet, so they can't really hear anything. Well, the vibrations. Just be aware.

My quarrel is specifically with the vessel that is housing you. The empty vessel. The vapid. Oh. Vivacious. Warehouse. Not vivacious. The warehouse of sadness that you are currently residing in.

Flesh. Flesh garage. The flesh fridge. How are we doing? My beef with you this week is we have been looking for a new TV show to watch

for quite some time I suggested we start watching quite a while ago I said look I've been here and I know we're behind we're behind here

and don't fucking tweet we're in whinge but we are behind but Ozark was what we'd heard of multiple people was really good so they're bringing a new series out soon I think so that sort of popped in my head and I was like Rosie let's watch Ozark was what we'd heard of multiple people was really good so they're bringing a new series out soon I think

so that sort of popped in my head and I was like Rosie let's watch Ozark and you went no I watched the first two episodes so you're going to have to watch them first because I'm not watching them again and I went well do you not just want to watch them again with us though because you might have forgotten no

I'm not doing that you have to so I've waited we're in fucking lockdown we've had no time away. You have to. So I've waited. We're in a fucking lockdown. We've had no time away from each other at all. So I've had no opportunity. And we've been literally sitting on a night going, what the fuck do we watch? I've had no opportunity away from you to start watching these two episodes without you.

Let's be realistic here. I really haven't. One show. Yeah. You were away for a week. I was away for a week. Beginning and the middle of lockdown. However, however,

Last of Us had just came out on the PlayStation so I wasn't going to be watching telly wasting time yeah so you basically said to me make sure

so I scrimped and saved and tried to find little pinching inches pinching time here and there I ended up watching it I went and did a TV show the other day and I ended up watching them

in the car on the way down on my phone using all my data thank you right we put episode 3 of Ozark on you had no fucking clue who anyone was

or what had happened. I had to pause it. I counted. I had to pause it eight times to tell you what had been happening again and again. And I was going, I thought you said you remember

when I watched it about a year ago. Why couldn't we watch it again? No. So I had to fucking read it previously on Ozark. I had to do that the whole way through and then last night we were on the

final episode of the series of series one and a fucking bloke popped up it was his private investigator and he went

who's he and I went fucking hell it was the private investigator from the first episode Christ I couldn't remember it

but why did you say you could because I thought I could you don't remember anything because I think I'd seen it god it was Well, why did you say you could? Because I thought I could. You don't remember anything. Because I think I'd seen it. God, it was horrible.

Oh, why? Honestly, what's... What a stupid thing to get annoyed about. Because I asked a couple of questions. Oh, sorry, you're on me fucking shelf in the bathroom, you jerk. It's actually a stupid... It's time for questions from the public. From the queues and the pews and the queues and the pews and the public.

As always, guys, thank you so much for getting in touch. It is shagmarriedanoid at gmail.com. If you would like to send us literally anything. Money. Not money. Specifically not money. Send us your... Unbelievable, eh?

That baby's greedy. Got a baby to pay for. Send us your... Unbelievable, eh? That baby's greedy. Got a baby to pay for. Send us your beef. Send us your stories, your dilemmas, your lockdown tales of war, your coming out of lockdown tales of joy. Whatever you want,

send it. Shagmaridanoid at gmail.com. Again, thank you so much for sending it. It is awesome. You make this podcast. You're the best. Thank you. Got an email here.

Now, sometimes what people do is um i'm not having a go but sometimes people put the sort of punch line to the joke right at the beginning so it says hi rosie and chris and then it's like my mom did this and it tells exactly what the what the thing is and then explains the scenario so i'm going to sort of skip over the first bit here right okay so hi rosie and chris basically a mom told her this uh told her this story i think i think they're from Scotland but from what I can see here do you want to do it

in a Scottish accent for effect for other listeners god no no absolutely not we sat in that no no no

oh I miss outlander just shout no I got weird they went to France and it got a bit shit but I'd like to get back into it your mam says really good things

about it so we'll try it again she fancies the main guy she does I find it strange watching something where my mam has openly told us that she fancies the main guy I find it strange watching something where my mum has openly told us that she basically loves the main guy your mum's a bit obsessed with him

she had the books, the cross stitch books and she read them and she was like I just love the main character he's just amazing, I just love him and I was like alright mum, I'm nine, shut up and then I remember when Outlander came on TV and I downloaded it for her and she was just like he's exactly like i'd imagined him in the books i was like fuck i

won't tell someone else will you she's like married to him anyway so they're in scotland and our mom's told her this story that she did once right um it was late one night basically it says here she wanted to see who was arguing down the street very late at night it was 2am right a couple just out of sight from our upstairs window were having a proper raging row

at each other love that a proper slagging match right I love that they said just out of sight of our upstairs window so they obviously

went every window in the house got to the upstairs one like this is the closest we can get but they're just out of sight have you never done that before yeah now and then

like yeah yeah my mum being nosy decided she needed a reason to go out to stroll by right brilliant

that's the next level yeah so she wanted to go out of the house and walk down the street she's a fucking genius right

she wanted to go out of the house and walk down the street to see what these people are you know but you can't just walk down the street at two o'clock in the morning, right? Unless you've got a dog.

Brilliant. She didn't have a dog. Right. She got a sheepskin rug, rolled it up, tied a belt around it and dragged it down the fucking street. No, no she didn't. Mum being nosy decided she needed a reason to be out and stroll. She tied a belt around a rolled up rug and took it out for a shit.

She had a good nosy uh and carried on while the wee dog in speech marks took a crap in the bushes so she stood dragged a rug and stuck in the bush and stood there holding the belt right i was on a belt it's not even on a lead wrap the belt around it yeah just wrap the belt around the rug oh my god it's the best it's the that is another level of nosy neighbor it's fucking genius what was happening with the neighbor uh she said yeah and my mom's hilarious she must have been the talk of the bingo that week uh did you hear about that row no but i saw violet walking down the street with a sheepskin rug that's fantastic that is fantastic absolutely amazing yeah

the question is are you nosy and what lengths have you ever gone to when you've been being nosy I'm nosy not gonna lie

but I haven't gone that's extreme I've been known to put a glass on a hotel wall have you now and have a listen through if there's an argument

going on right okay yeah absolutely I've done I have done that before, actually. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of that.

Yeah. I've been known to have to go... Normally in hotels, I've been known to have to go out on the balconies if I've heard people talking. I won't sit on... Sometimes if people are having a bit of a row or something... I'll have a little listen. I'll go and sit on my balcony and have a little listen.

It's just interesting, isn't it? Remember balconies? Remember hotels. Remember hotels. Remember holidays. Oh, God. This has... Susie, that was Susie Briggs and her mum, Violet.

Thank you, Susie and Violet. You've really brought the tone down there, talking about holidays, Susie. I know. Bless her. This hasn't got anything to do with that, but it's just reminded us of something that I've never spoke about on here.

But just... When they were talking there, I got the image of my childhood street. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And stuff happening late at night. Because we lived on a main road and a lot of people used to come home from South Shields Town Centre

and walk down our street. Yeah, yeah. And they'd always be drunk and making loads of noise in the middle of the night, which was always quite interesting. Yeah, yeah. Because they'd wake you up. As a kid, probably only about midnight, to be honest.

But as a kid, you were like, what's going on? And there'd be fights in the street. I mean,, what's going on? And there'd be like fights in the street. I mean, it was a lovely street but there'd be loads of stuff going on.

One night, this isn't people, one night my dad was at the pub. Next door to us, okay, we were on a main road. A car had crashed

into my next door neighbour's house. They took down the front wall. Bloody hell. And they'd gone into the garage, the car. Yeah. Okay. It was about 11 o'clock at night.

We were all downstairs in the kitchen and the police were there. Yeah. And like talking to the next door and stuff like that. My dad came home from the pub. Yeah. Came into the house and he was like, what the hell's going on? And we were like, there's a car in next door's garden. He'd walked past it.

Oh, Derek. And he hadn't noticed. Oh, God. Amazing. He hadn't seen a car. He walked past the full thing. So a car had crashed through the gardens, through the walls, flattened them. Through the walls, flattened the walls.

It was still in the, like, ploughed into the garage. The garage door had come off and half the wall had come down. There was just a car there, crashed into the garage and the next door. Wow. It was only detached by a meter. Yeah. And he didn't notice.

And my mum was like... Love it. And he was like, why is the police here? What's going on? He's like, next, there's a car

in next door neighbour's garage. Your dad's a legend. It just reminded us of me street and I never told that story. Yeah. And how pissed have you got to be to just not see? To have to walk back outside

and go, oh, fucking hell, why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder why the path was uneven. They were bricks, Derek. You were walking over bricks. Well, he did. He just fully blown had to walk back outside and go, oh, fucking hell, aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder why the path was uneven.

They were bricks, Derek. You were walking over bricks. Well, he did. He just fully blown had to walk over, like, shit, gravel and... It's bloody warm out there tonight. The house is on fire, Derek. Oh, shit, I saw this.

So funny. So funny. I've never told that story on here, so, Degsy, if you're listening, crazy. Degsy, you're a crazy Degsy you're a clip love it never change babadoo babadoo babadoo

hi Rosie and Chris I was telling these three weird things my ex did to my friends the other day and they thought that you would like to hear them I think we would

always always please keep me anonymous as I'm not sure if he listens and I only have one ex okay fair enough so this can only be one person for her yeah so we're not going to see her name yeah yeah so we're not going to see her name yeah yeah listens and I only have one X. Okay, fair enough. So this can only be one person?

For her, yeah. So we're not going to see her name. Yeah, yeah. So we're not going to see her name. Yeah, yeah. So the things are, number one, he always wore two t-shirts. Why? Usually. Usually.

It's a fair question. Okay. Usually one normal t-shirt With a polo shirt on top So a long sleeved No Like a short sleeved t-shirt Like what I'm wearing now Just a circle neck t-shirt

With then A t-shirt with a collar on top I think that's what she means Right okay Okay Strange but You know Each to their own

But on occasion Just two normal t-shirts So two Just like Doubling up Just layered Bit weird Yeah The only exception Was during the day On holiday T-shirts. So two, just like doubling up, just layered. Bit weird.

Yeah. The only exception was during the day on holiday. This was regardless of weather and outerwear. So unless he's during the day on holiday, it could be 25 degrees in England, he's wearing shorts, two T-shirts. It could be minus five degrees, he's wearing two T-shirts, a jumper and a coat.

Okay. Always two T-shirts. Weird. Gets weirder right number two he also always wore two pairs of underpants

oh what who is this I don't know Superman always ready that really made us chuckle yeah two pairs of underpants yeah but there's a system Always ready I really made us chuckle Yeah Two pairs of underpants

Yeah But there's a system One pair of Y-fronts Brackets like Speedos We all know what Y-fronts are Yeah And on top A pair of

She's wrote Like grandad boxers Okay I'm not sure of the official name But the massive baggy checked ones Your bed kegs Yeah bed kegs My bed kegs

Everybody's talking about my bed kegs So yeah So he wears a y-fronts and then a larger pair of boxer shorts on top do you know what though they used to do that in old school 90s music videos did the rappers really they'd always have loads of short boxer shorts on underneath the pants right okay keep that all right okay uh number three uh weirdly this isn't as weird as her too, but number three, every morning, brackets, he lived with his mum and dad,

he would get a full toilet roll out of the airing cupboard before checking what was in the bathroom and take it into the toilet. Sorry. Every morning, he lived with his mum and dad, he would get a full toilet roll

out of the airing cupboard before checking how much was left in the bathroom and take it into the toilet. The roll was then always empty. I have no clue what happened in there. So every morning

he would use a full roll of toilet paper. No. A full roll every morning. That's going to clog. Is he using it to?

I mean, I don't know. He might be mummifying himself. He loves a layer. He may well. Did she ever see his legs? It's very pasty. It was bog roll, love.

It was bog roll. I wonder if, you never know. Maybe she likes the feel of something really close to his skin. So strange. This actually, I feel like we've, that's the thing. Why would she say these are the three weird things he does wears two t-shirts

wears two pairs of underpants he uses the full toilet roll when he goes to the toilet no he is mummifying himself do you think that's what it is yeah this is what he's doing or maybe

he puts the maybe the Y front he puts a load of toilet roll down the front of his Y front to look like he's got a massive bulge and then he puts the boxer shorts on top so he can look at his boxer shorts and go, where did he look?

I mean, I don't know. How big do you want your bulge? There's loads of toilet roll in there. Well, it depends. I don't know. Is it two ply? Who knows? Maybe three ply.

Craziness. Speaking of toilet roll, our Robin, I'm trying to teach him currently to wipe his own arse. Oh, it's just giving us panic attacks. Well, I'm just sick of doing it myself. I can't bear it.

Have you seen how much toilet roll he uses? Well, yeah, but this morning what he did was... No, you're going to say he uses a lot. He uses like... I've seen him because he always decides to have a shite when I'm in the bath. So he has his poo, have a little chat,

and then he finishes and I go to him, right, okay, get some toilet roll. He'll half a square and roll it up in his finger and I'll go, you need more than that. And he'll go, all right, and he'll get the other half of the square, roll it up in his finger and i'll go you need more than that and he'll go all right and he'll get the other half of the square roll it up and i'm like robin economical economical he doesn't like using much toilet roll well what i saw him do this morning when he was trying to wipe his bum himself he's like i wiped myself i was like okay go on then what he did was he got

about probably five sheets off that's good. But he only used the top one and the rest was just dangling on the floor. Yeah, I've seen him do that. So he just used the top one like that and he threw it in and the rest like followed in like a snake. And I was like, fuck you do it.

It's the rest for sure. For the effect. We need to keep it up though because we have a downstairs loo and a bathroom which is right next to our kitchen. And recently, well, now we're trying to teach him to wipe his own bum, but just before that, he was having a poo,

and instead of shouting, Mommy, I need you to wipe my bum, he would just come in on all fours while I'm cooking the tea, bend over in front of us and go, Mommy, can you wipe my bum? Well, yeah, that's right, because he's seen me do it. What are you. Horror. Rosie!

Rosie! I'm finished! It's just the worst thing ever. Just like making tea and just seeing a little bum hole ready to be wiped. At least he's not making me

walk to him to be fair. He's just coming to me. But he doesn't bring the toilet roll so i've got to go get the toilet roll and come back it's very strange i mean it's just causing a nightmare i know anyway yeah kids eh who'd have them babadoo babadoo babadoo bah speaking of bums next question here hi rosie and chris how weird is the so this email all right before i tell you this right this email was basically like uh how weird is it when this, this email was basically like, how weird is it when this happens? And I was like, okay, here's a bit of observational comedy that we're all going to get on board with.

How weird is the feeling when you pull a long hair out of your bum hole? How did it get there? And do you get scared that you haven't been able to catch some that have managed to make it all the way in undetected? Just wondering, Dan and Heather. What? Have you never done that?

I beg your pardon? No, you don't have long hair. This is a long hair thing. Right. Okay, so, right, yeah. I have, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I thought me and you were going to mock these weirdos together. You're saying you're on the same page as these.

Yes. I have long hair and I've always had long hair. So when you're in the shower and you're washing your hair, sometimes a bit can come out. And then later on in the day, you might be doing something and there'll be like a hair that you pull out of your backside. And you're like, oh. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Later in the day, you're doing something. What, fishing around in your arse for hairs? I don't. What the hell's going on here? Maybe not later on in the day. Maybe it's just sometimes there's been a hair in my arse like a fully blown

from my head in my arse your hair isn't long enough you wouldn't know don't you shame me for having short you're a bum you're a bum picker

you're a bloody bum picker that's what you are so is Dan and Heather who've emailed me I'm not keeping you anonymous you've asked but you can fuck off Dan and Heather they haven't really asked

no they haven't asked I would never do that anyone. You've asked, but you can fuck off. Dan and Heather, they haven't really asked. No, they haven't asked. I would never do that. Anyone, I would never do that. But you're a bum picker and they're bum pickers as well. I'm going to email them back and tell them they're a couple of bum pickers. It's a long hair thing. You're never going to understand.

What do you mean I'm never going to understand? How is it there? Because when you wash your hair in the shower, gravity, your hair, if it comes out, it falls down. Gravity, but what you're doing Just opening your arse To try and catch them Like some kind of game No it just sometimes Lands in your arse

Chris this isn't This doesn't happen On a daily occasion This has probably happened Like five times In my whole life Oh I bet you're Jumping straight to the defence

Weren't you Because I know what they mean The twits I've pulled Arse like a barber shop floor Can't believe this Listen I know you're jealous Jealous but he asked like a barber shop floor. Can't believe this. Listen, I know you're jealous.

Jealous? Honestly, I can't believe this. It's actually a really nice feeling when you do it though. Oh God alive. No, it is. It's like, oh, what's that doing there? Get that out of there. So it's in your bum? It's not in your bum.

It's just around your bum. Like between your cheeks. It's not in, I don't know what they're talking about it's sticking hair in your bum are you no backtracking we all know now we all know now no it's not inside it's not like up your bum you can't get a bit of hair up your bum it's just it's just in well then right okay then they're weird but it's just been in your crevice dan heather have you thought that maybe it went in the other way?

Have you thought that maybe you've ate some really long hair and you've sort of half pumped it out? There might be little cats. Hey, the fact that we weren't up for arts and culture for the British Podcast Awards is shocking. No idea. Bum hair, all the rage. Got a nice ride up in the Guardian though last week.

We did actually. That's backfired on them. Hi all the new listeners. Hello and bye to all the new listeners who heard about Win the Guardian. Nice to have you here for that 30 minutes. Nice to have you here for your farewell tour. See you later.

Please keep me anonymous. Hi Chris and Rosie. So they've put the anonymous first. So this is dirty. It's actually not. It's not. It's yes you like. Congrats on the award and the baby news. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Just wanted to ask your opinion on a situation I had last Christmas and potentially will be having again this year. We have two children, seven-year-old boy and two-year-old girl. That's actually the same age gap we'll have. It is. Yeah. Our little girl goes to nursery full-time Monday to Friday as my wife and I both work full-time.

Yeah. At Christmas last year, the nursery decided they would be opening on christmas eve until 5 p.m yeah as a result under the terms of our contract with them we would still be billed for this day regardless of whether our little one attended or not that's the same for all bank holidays okay i said as we were paying for it We are sending her to nursery that day Regardless of it being Christmas Eve My wife proceeded to call me all the names under the sun My mother-in-law was apparently appalled at this

And even the nursery were surprised When they were told that she would be going And not be getting picked up until closing time Wow, even though they're open Even though they're open That's ridiculous That is ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah.

That is ridiculous. Yeah. That's, I mean, we'll get on to what he's asked for the questions in a bit, but the nursery being open and charging you

and then... And judging you. And judging you. That's literally like we're in a restaurant, right? You're in the restaurant and the waiter, right? Would you like to see

the dessert menu, madam? Yes, please. Back on. It's true. True. So before I go through the same argument again this year, am I A. Too tight for taking her in on Xmas Eve

B. A bad dad for doing so C. Just plain evil or D. Doing the right thing as I am paying for it regardless if she goes or not. Many thanks. Keep up the great work. E. All of the above. You're right, but you're a dickhead for doing it. A bit of everything.

We had Robin in a little private nursery for... He was there for two days a week, I think. Something like that. When he was two. And we just randomly put him in on a Monday and I think it was Monday and a Thursday. We just chose days

out of wherever. The nursery didn't tell us that for nine of the Mondays out of the year, they're shut, but you still have to pay. And we were like, we can put him in any day.

It was just to get him to go to a nursery. So how about you just don't have what I'm in on the day that we're going to have to pay for? That was bullshit. That was bullshit.

We're closed on all MDs, but you will still be charged okay good well that's nice well great i hope i'm gonna save his poos for when he's with you i'll be putting all these nappies in to put in your bins so dear listener just letting you behind the curtain here just before we're starting the podcast i got all me notes and all the questions from the public up on me laptop because obviously it's been my turn this week. And I said to Rosie, are you ready? Am I doing all the questions this week?

And Rosie said, and I quote, I do have one manky fingering story, but we'll see how we get on. And I just thought, I wonder how many other podcasts start. Do you think Louis Theroux says to his producer, look, we'll chat you know we'll chat

to the person we're interviewing today I've got one monkey fingering story but we'll see save it for the end I no I don't think they do

would you like the monkey fingering story we all want the monkey fingering story okay well it's just dead quick so here we go hi Chris and Rosie

please keep me anonymous as people who know this story listen to the podcast. Wahoo. This is a short story but one that never fails to make me laugh. My boyfriend is doing an apprenticeship and all the people in his year are pretty close. There's one girl who was a bit of an oversharer but this story was gold.

In their first year she started going out with one of the boys from the course. They went on a date in Nando's and he had an extra hot chicken extra hot great later on when they got home they were getting busy in the bedroom sorry can i just uh can i just input here with as a former black card holder nando's do you know extra hot isn't actually extra hot it's just more hot it's just more hot it's not a different sauce it's just more of the hottest sauce. Okay. So there you all go. Double dipping on the sauce. There you all go. You're welcome. Welcome to the new world.

Thank you for that. Thank you. Later on, when they got home, they were getting busy in the bedroom when her vagina started to burn. Oh, no. Oh, no. He obviously hadn't washed his hands since the meal. he obviously hadn't washed his hands since the meal and in a panic he tried to neutralise the spice

by throwing milk at her vagina no way where did he get that from he just randomly threw milk at her just threw some milk at her sorry can I just I just want to take a moment

to enjoy the phrase not poured some milk on or rubbed some milk through some milk in her vagina. This person's put I will never not laugh at the image of her

lying on the floor legs wide open having milk poured on her and they've put next to you which I think you might enjoy she's a vegan by the way. Oh god oh Jesus next year, which I think you might enjoy. She's a vegan, by the way. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Bit of chicken, bit of milk. Everything. They're no longer together. But this also made us think that this is why we were locked down. Oh, people doing stuff like this. Do you know what it is? If you're going to have extra hot at Nando's,

use your fingers to eat it, and you're going to go home and finger your lass. Maybe just wash your hands. Just, you know what it is? If you're going to have extra hot at Nando's, use your fingers to eat it, and you're going to go home and finger your lass. Maybe just wash your hands. Just, you know, 20 seconds. That's it. I think the government missed a trick in not getting you to do those information videos on the telly. Yes, I should have. At the beginning of all this, not like,

coronavirus, please wash your hands for 20 seconds. It should have been you in that exact North East fish wife accent that you just had going yeah here if you're gonna have extra hot

then finger your lass wash your hands wash your hands for 20 seconds gov.co.uk slash extra hot finger slash

Nando's it's just the worst but I've cut a chilli before and accidentally scratched my vagina. Right. And it's horrific. Oh, Jesus. Horrific.

Like, not good. It's like that mint shampoo that you can get or the shower gel. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's horrible. Horrible. Once again, thank you so much for listening to this week's Shag Maridanoid,

which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, as always, thank you so much. Shag Maridanoidagmaridanoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, as always, thank you so much. Shagmaridanoid at gmail.com if you want to get in touch. The book and the audiobook are available for pre-order now. They are out on September... Very nice. Lovely. Thank you.

Very professional. This summer. September 3rd, they are out and they are available for pre-order now at shagmaridanoid.com. There's a little tab on book. Click it. Love you. See you Click it. Love you. See you next week.

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