Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 76. Sweet sixteen unicorn

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

No only has it been motorhome week in the Ramsey household but it was also Chris' Birthday and there was an unusual choice of cake. There are vehicle based beefs and another instalment of Rosie's Mysteries - all of this plus some great QFTP's. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Uninoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. It's his birthday today.

He's nearly 35. I'm not nearly. I'm literally just turned 34 a number of hours ago. It's August 3rd as we're recording this. I don't know when you're listening to it, but it's August 3rd. I'm 34. Genuinely wasn't really sure how old I was when I woke up. You asked me, are you 34?

Well, we're the same year. And I said, I think I am. I'm not sure. Well, I'm the same year. And I said, I think I am. I'm not sure. Well, I'm not being funny. Everyone knows your identity now. There goes your anonymous. Ah, there we go. That's the quickest fuck up

you've ever made on your words. A nun. You just took your socks off while we're sitting here. I'm sweating, mate. I'm absolutely dripping. Out of nowhere,

you just produced two socks from under the table. They're like the cashmere ones, the dead posh. Just took the label off them this morning. Someone's doing all right. I got sent them, actually. Me, bloody, I'm slumming it on my birthday, which we'll get back to, and you're all bloody fanning around the house in cashmere socks.

They're really slippy. Oh, are you? Like bloody Ferris Bueller sliding across the floor in a shot, playing air guitar on my birthday. Guys, thank you so much for listening. It is episode 76. Thank you for coming back please continue to rate like and subscribe we'll absolutely love yous before we continue it is time

for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor i'm excited you know why i'm looking forward to this this week because i heard you from the other room doing a voice yeah and i'm like what was he doing i came in i thought you were on the phone i said what are you doing you went i'm practicing my slogan just practicing it's just a slogan so honestly I'm intrigued honestly Rosie lower your expectations right now

always do Chris they got in touch with these guys this week it's a very very short brief very topical and they just got in touch and I've just got I've just got to knock the brief out

and just got to move on that's all it is yeah this week's sponsor is Visit Spain no don't Viva España, don't. Viva España. No, don't.

Turn around. Get off that fucking plane now. Get off. Get back in the airport. You'll not be getting your lounge money back, sir. Not today. Enjoy the rain. Yeah, that's shit, isn't it?

Oh, horrible. What's going on? Get yourselves back on holiday. Come on, let's get everything back't it? Oh, horrible. What's going on? Get yourselves back on holiday. Come on, let's get everything back. No, no. Come back now. Get back here. Psych.

Twats. So there you go. So just for everyone whose holidays have been absolutely scarpered, especially my sister Kate, who, bless her, has hardly seen anyone at all during the whole lockdown she took isolating to a new level in case she got a temperature taken in the airport

and then they told her she couldn't go fucking bless her man bless you all genuinely we're just laughing if not we'd cry if you've lost a holiday man we're so sorry

it must oh my god it's just the worst yeah it's just the worst it is but we're here for you we're still here

we haven't been on holiday we were meant to be in Cyprus a few weeks ago we didn't go but ours was at the height of it now it's just really annoying it's like if you've got a private jet

you can go to Spain but if not go fuck yourself so harsh oh the jingle fucking hell sorry I wonder why you stopped talking

Jesus yes should I do it in Spanish for everyone missing Spain I'm looking forward to seeing you Or the jingle. Fucking hell. Sorry. I wonder why you stopped talking. Jesus. Yes. Should I do it in Spanish? For everyone missing Spain? I'm looking forward to seeing you attempt this, yes? That's not like, just play. Just go French all the time.

That's just. Jingle! But you know what? Was that ole? Ole! But jingle. Jingle! She just shouted. She put her hands in the air like a matador

and shouted Jingle instead of Olé. That's shocking. That's terrible. We'll not be allowed back. No wonder we're not allowed there. Stop doing it. Just do it with our hands. Christ.

Yeah, Mambo. Right, that's enough. Just play the jingle. Fuck me. Good God. It's a telly handle. Oh, I know. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmaridanoid. We're very happy to have you here. Jingle! Four or five days, depending on how you work it out, before it actually goes out. Tell them why, Rosie. Oh, well. Well, I'll tell you why, Chris.

Because... I know why. Bloody us. I mean, we said we were going to do it, but we bloody only went and did it. We bought a motorhome. We bought a motorhome, didn't we? Toot, toot. I don't know what that was.

It's me coming along. You're so excited. It's just a dream come true. You've always wanted a caravan, and we're settled on motorhome. I've done... what that was. It's me. You're so excited. It's just a dream come true. You've always wanted a caravan and we're settled on motorhome. I've done... You say settled. Mm-hmm.

It was a lot more expensive than a caravan. Yeah, but you were paying, so that's not my problem. Yeah. Princess and the pea, though, you wouldn't settle for a caravan. There's just something about it. I don't know.

Motorhome just seems cooler. It is a lot cooler, actually. Just love it. I do really like it i mean i haven't been anywhere in it yet i've only been we've only been on the drive and we pulled it onto the grass yesterday didn't we just set the awning up and everything and practice all we're arguing before we get to the site yeah oh yeah get it all out of my system i mean we'll be mentioning that a little bit later on chris so that was fun just want to put this out here for

you all chris ruined motorhome day for me. I didn't ruin... You ruined it. I did not slag off the motorhome. It was the owner on the side that upset us. Don't. We'll get to that. Thank you very much. Will we now?

Yes. Will we now? It's going to be a shredded beef this week. Shredded beef. Shredded beef. On me birthday. Broke my heart. On my birthday as well.

It is your birthday today. It is. Have you mentioned that yet? No, I haven't. Do you know what? Genuinely, every single time, and we've talked about how people, as you get older, don't treat your birthday like a big deal. And I wouldn't be allowed, if I could, I wouldn't be allowed.

Because today has been a force. Are you kidding me? It's been a giant fuck off of the highest order. Is this some sort of joke? I've known nothing like it. Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you the levels and layers of disappointment

that have come to me on this, the day of my birth. The 34th annual day of my birth. Great. What happened is, so,

the thing that's made us really sad, it's not the fact that all of me presents are apparently not here yet. They're in the post. Yeah, they're in the post. Rosie's not the fact that all of me presents are apparently not here yet. They're in the post. Yeah, they're in the post.

Rosie's actually even brought through the little intercom phone. Yes. She's got it next to her pretending that someone's going to knock on the door with these imaginary presents that I'm not getting.

They are waiting for them to come. Bollocks. Right, so nothing there. Nothing for the little, nothing for the little lad to open on the day. Right? Wasn't even,

wasn't even that I didn't have a little gift. Wasn't even that I didn't have a little gift. It wasn't even that I came down, wasn't even that I wasn't even that I didn't have a little gift. It wasn't even that I came downstairs. It wasn't even that you said I could have a lie-in, then you just told us to get up with you anyway. So then I came downstairs.

That never happened. I did. You were like, you can have a lie-in. Then you were like, do you want a cup of tea in bed or do you want to come downstairs? We'll come downstairs with us. I was like, well, that's fucking heavily implied, so here I go.

Great. Well, you're stupid. Came down, had to sit in the living room for 10 minutes while you made me a card in the office. That was good. So the cup of tea didn't come while you went on the computer, my computer, and used my printer and printed out a picture of Darth Vader and stuck it on a card on a bit of A4 white paper.

Yesterday, after our argument, I said to you, I need to go to the shops. And you said, because we're made up by this, you were like, why do you need to go to the shops? I was like, Chris, to be totally said to you, I need to go to the shops. And you said, because we're made up by this, you were like, why do you need to go to the shops? I was like, Chris, to be totally honest with you,

I haven't got your birthday card. You went, I don't care about birthday cards. They're not important to me. Yeah. I knew you'd throw this back in my face. Do you know what I do care about in the morning, though? Me cup of coffee that I was promised.

I came down, half a kip, and had to sit in the corner of the living room while you fucking Neil Buchanan'd it in the office. Arts and crafts fucking mr maker gluing bits of shit together that was great it wasn't even the layers of disappointment keep

coming guys it wasn't even the fact that you asked us what i wanted from your breakfast said you'd make his birthday breakfast i said bacon sarnie didn't have any bread so i had to walk around the corner to the shop for my own bread on the morning of my birthday. Oh, God forbid! It wasn't even the fact that I got myself a little birthday Twix. I put it on my Twitter. I got a little birthday Twix. I had to eat it in the kitchen

just over the bin in case the bin came in and wanted any of that. Great, it's not my fault. Yeah, no. Well, no, I suppose. Thank you. But there could have been

some Twixes in the cupboard. Why not some Twixes in the cupboard? I'm trying to be good it isn't even the fact that you said yeah it isn't even the fact that you said to me hey I tell you what

I'll get you a lovely I'm going to go out today and get some food from a posh little supermarket for the camper van holiday I'll get you a nice birthday cake right

it wasn't even the fact that that then turned into actually Chris I'm going later on can you go out and get a birthday cake so i literally just before recording this podcast nipped out in the car to buy my own cake like a fucking loser um as i'm leaving rosie said genuinely and get some candles as well and get my own birthday candles it wasn't even all of that right it wasn't even

all of that the real reason i'm really sad the real reason i'm sad is i stood in the supermarket looking at the birthday cakes on my own and i wasn't even excited do you know why because i've been having one a week since lockdown started i've spoiled myself was you had had them all i looked at all the little birth you know the little like sort of six quid birthday cakes i'd had them all i was know. I loved it on the little birthday. You know the little like sort of six quid birthday cakes? I'd had them all. I was like, yeah, I've had that. Yeah, celebration cake. One with balloons.

Had it. Chocolate one. Had it. One with stars on. Had it. So I got, and I'm quite proud of myself. I mean, it was the saddest thing ever. I was genuinely embarrassed at the self-service in Sainsbury's.

I got a unicorn cake. A double layered Madeira unicorn cake in a purple box. I'm just a bit embarrassed though because I put on social media this morning, that was your birthday. Yeah. And I don't know, I mean, I'm not trying to assume here but i think where we live is quite a small town and a lot of people know who we are oh the ladies in sainsbury's were looking and laughing they're pointed one of them pointed one of them pointed and said something and i guarantee it was something along the lines of poor fucker's buying his own cake and he's actually

bought a purple boxed fucking unicorn cake which I'm sure only 12 year old girls like. So that's bon anniversay. Happy fucking birthday. I just Hey but it's alright though it doesn't matter because I'm going on holiday

and my art and I'm out of home doesn't count. Hey we said that was our birthday present to each other from each other. Nah, I'm only joking. I'm really excited. And I just want to leave this here,

not really mention it again, but last year, on my birthday, you weren't here. Where was I? You were dancing. Your fat arse was on the telly. Dancing. So, up yours. Okay. Right? You weren't even here. I had to wake up by myself.

Robin didn't have a clue. Stop it. You're such a spoiled little brat. Oh, man, I'm joking, man. As I say, the main thing I'm upset about is that the cake wasn't even exciting, because genuinely, I was not exaggerating. I've been on a birthday cake a week since this all happened, so that's why I've...

Hence why I've bought a fucking unicorn cake. Sweet 16 unicorn. Did you get some candles? No, I forgot. Oh, well, that's going to be fun. Good. How are you going to blow your candles? That'll make it work.

Just some Jostics in the top or some incense or something. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So we've got a new motorhome, yep, going away tomorrow. Do you remember what you called me? Because I had a little shot of it around the block. Yeah, well, not only did you have a little shot of it around the block, when we sort of pulled it onto the grass yesterday and had to go, like, under

trees and everything, you were doing all the, like, hanging out the window, like a trucker reversing and everything. Nessa. Jordy Nessa. Yeah, Nessa off Gavin and Stacey. Just in your truck. Just sitting there. I did find that a bit.

I put it on my Instagram. It was funny because I put it on there. And loads of people were like, we've got one. My husband won't let us drive it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I've never understood this whole female, male driving thing. It's bizarre. Well, the thing, when you really look deep into it, right,

which I was thinking about this last night before I went to bed. Right. It's just legs and arms and eyes. eyes yeah and we've all got the same so you know sometimes what like men might be a bit stronger and all that kind of physically you know it's just legs and arms and eyes so why would a man be better at driving it than a woman yeah well i don't know well i remember i said to my mates that you were insured on it as well and a few of them were like oh but i was like i bet they were oh yeah yeah but you know that's that's just where we're from and what people are like but yeah you are a better driver than me in most senses yeah you're definitely better in that motorhome than i am yeah i think i might drive it would you mind if i drive it mate i'll be you're kidding us there's a fridge on it full of beer drive as

much as you want and i'm pregnant at the minute just drive as much as you want. I know, and I'm pregnant at the minute. Just drive as much as you want. I couldn't give a shit. I know. The only thing I am a little bit worried about is when my belly gets bigger, I'm not going to be able to sit down that table. No, a little table at the side. It moves, man.

I'll be iry, do you want me? Not that much, Chris. I'm going to struggle getting around there in a few months. Well, there's a little electric button that goes down onto the floor. Very true. Just shimmy past it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Just let you all know, still pregnant. Still yeah still pregnant yeah that's how it works if it's all going to plan still pregnant until the end um just for all the ladies who've had babies before one of my ladies who've had babies before yes one of the um strongest symptoms I've got at the minute. My nipples are so itchy. It's un-flipping believable. You just walk around scratching your nipples with both hands at the minute. Did I tell you what happened the other day? Is this where you dress?

Yes. Yes, come on. Oh, so itched me nipples so much, but I didn't realise that I must have just been itching them in secret during the day. Got to the end of the day where my nipples are I had two massive white patches where I'd scratched off

like the fabric of my dress and I just looked like I'd had stickers on my nipples. Do you know what you need? It's horrific. Do you know what you need? You know where like geography teachers and that

have the tweed jackets with the leather patches on the elbows. Tit patches. You need two leather tit patches for your wearing of your scratches. It's so, Chris, it's so bad. Oh, she's obviously educated. She's got leather tit patches on her tweed jumper. Hello, I have a PhD in nipple scratching.

Went to Oxford to get these. Why do they have them patches on the elbows it's like where i think it was where initially but then i think it was like a fashion thing because they're on there now sometimes all the time sometimes you can get sometimes get jackets with the patches on the elbows but it'll be for where it'll be for like you know when you're leaning on your elbows yeah yeah well i could do with something yeah well we're all learning please don't get too i'm just gonna scratch your You're scratching your mouth. It's honestly, Chris, so satisfying. She's walking around scratching her nipples.

It's so satisfying. You wouldn't even know. It's like they're hot. Like they're burning hot. And then you scratch them and it's just like... I've got a funny feeling in me jaw, actually. It's quite erotic. Jesus.

A little bit sexual, but not in a pain way. Does that make sense It's just like One of the Is this you talking Or are you reading One of the emails We're getting

No I'm not It's just crazy What the fuck's happening Just so itchy Itchy nips Anyway Do you know what's Really awful about that

I haven't googled it I just know that Oh you know you're Going to get a million Oh well you know That itchy nips Actually means your Head's going to fall off

You're not eating Enough bananas From three o'clock To six o'clock You need A million men. Oh, well, you know that itchy nips actually means your head's going to fall off. You're not eating enough bananas. From three o'clock till six o'clock, you need nine bananas. And you'll not get itchy nipples. Can't you die if you eat too many bananas? Yes. Too much potassium. Is that an urban myth?

I'm not sure. No, I think it's true. Either way, look, don't have a go. We haven't Googled if itchy nipples are a bad thing. We'll probably find out at the end of this. But if we Google it now and we'll find out it's bad, we'll not be able to concentrate on the podcast. So save your fucking emails. Your baby's going to come out a dragon. That's why your nipples are a bad thing. We'll probably find out at the end of this, but if we Google it now and we'll find out what's bad, we're not going to be able to concentrate on the podcast. So save your fucking emails.

Your baby's going to come out a dragon. That's why your nipples are burning. It's the fire. Khaleesi. So, I've been wasting a lot of time online this week, actually. Haven't we all?

Me online is up like not not a good amount do you know how it tells you every week oh your screen time your screen time oh I haven't read one of them for fucking ages

yeah mine's been pretty bad but you know what I found something cool on IMDB it tells you loads of famous people's birthdays on that day okay

and I don't know why right but I did this like last week uh huh and on a random the random day had nothing to do with right but I did this like last week uh huh and on a random the random day had nothing to do with me but I was just like

oh it's their birthday today okay oh it's theirs it was interesting so I've because it's your birthday today I thought oh genuinely

the way you sorry to interrupt the way you set that up there because you said it was last week I honestly thought in my head as you started saying it I was like oh this is a nice little segment

just seeing which of the famous people have got birthdays the same day as me but the way you set it up you're like it was last week a random day, this is a nice little segment. Just seeing which of the famous people have got birthdays the same day as me. But the way you said it, I was like, it was last week, a random day. So I honestly thought you were going to go, and last week it was Brad Pitt's birthday. Right, let's carry on. I was just going to mention whose birthday it was last week. Right, this is lovely.

Okay, I'm very excited. So, it's not great. It's good. Well, first, okay. No, I'm just saying the first day I did it, it was like loads of people. Loads of really, really famous people. This is a lot of famous people, but then about 10 down, it's just, I'm like, I don't know who they are. But anyway.

So these are people who've got the same birthday as me. Yes. Well, I know one of them that'll pop up. Stephen Graham. Stephen Graham. He treated us this morning. Happy birthday. Did he?

Yes. Oh, I love Stephen Graham. Because me, him and Scroobius Pip have all got the same birthday and someone else. And every year, Scroobius Pip tags with the the same birthday and someone else and every every year scroobius pip tags with the same thing and i don't know stephen green but he knows him so it's just like happy birthday lads yeah happy birthday lads happy birthday it's quite nice i love stephen green he's amazing it's very good guess who else's birthday it is today who's martin sheen oh i know martin i've met him i did a show with him i love martin sheen yeah yeah yeah oh no I'm thinking of Michael Sheen oh yeah

I don't know Martin Sheen you do not know I know Martin no you I don't even know Michael Sheen I just met him once is it Charlie Sheen's dad

yeah yeah I don't know him you don't know him how dare you hey they're both called Sheen both give him an M fuck them for having

similar names terrible that it is also Evangeline Lilly's birthday got you yeah and do you know

in Scrubs John McGinley the main doctor oh love him yeah yeah yeah Dr Cox love him Dr Cox yeah

and then it all got a little bit I mean they might be I just didn't know who they were right okay good that's nice of you

I just didn't know who they were so just fuck it yeah if I don't know who they were. Right, okay. Good. That's nice of you. You just didn't know who they were, so just fuck it. Yeah. If I don't know who they are, then they mustn't be that good. Says all dickheads in the world.

What was it that somebody once said to Al Murray that you told me about? This was so funny. So I was in a hotel bar in Manchester and Al Murray was there. I've actually told the story so many times. I don't know if I was actually in the bar or he's told me about it i was on tour with him at the time but i don't even know if i went to this bar afterwards but i've told this story this is he just fucking clamped her so this woman came over some people walking photos and this woman came over to it

who are you i don't know who you are you're not even funny and he went well you can have one of them he went you can have you don't know who I am or I'm not funny you can't have both get in get in I was now I'm not clever enough I would not have thought of that

off the top of my head that was really good who are you you're not funny one of them you can have you can't have both fucking jackpot did I ever tell you about

what one lad said that Carl Hutchinson wants no oh there he is didn't mention him at all last week i'm using my bad books why my bad books because he took us out on thursday night for my birthday didn't he yeah he did indeed made a pig of myself you did i forget when i haven't seen him for a while i forget how he consumes alcohol he hasn't got a problem

he just drinks it like it's fucking Capri Sun. Like, we went to the bar, and it's all table service and all the social distancing thing, and he was just like, four Coronas, please. And I was like, four? And he was like, well, we'll just have two at a time. And for some reason, I was like, okay. And fucking, I was just, oh, it was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

I was terrible the next day, wasn't I? You were. Day written off, Chris. Nobody's mate. Day was completely written off. Written off so much that my actual prop had drinks out that I was going out down the beach with my friends on Saturday. I had two shandies and three Bud Lights and then went home

because I just spoiled myself. I couldn't do it. It was lovely being woke up at two o'clock in the morning to the sound of you vomiting down the upstairs toilet. That was nice. Not a problem at all. Really enjoyed that. Wish Robin had woke up to see you

and he'd just be like look at that that's my dad when the door opened the bathroom door opened and it was you I thank my lucky stars it was you and not him

because I don't know what he would think if he just saw the world falling out of his dad's face into the toilet you always remember there's twice in my life

when I've had to put my mum and dad to bed and I never forget it. Really? Yeah, only twice. And it was both of them together. And me, my brother and my sister had to put them to bed. Honestly, it was embarrassing.

I don't know this story. Do you not know? This is fantastic. One time, I'm going to shame them here. Go for it. One time, they'd been to my auntie, Karen and uncle Kevin's house and they walked home,

and I remember, for some reason, they had matching Macs on, and it was just weird. They came up the street, arm in arm, mortal drunk. What colour were their Macs? Can't remember, but it was like the 90s, so they were just matching,

and it was just a bit weird. So my sister must have been a bit older, so I think she was looking after her, and then they came in, had to put them to bed. By a Mac, you mean like a raincoat, like the kid off It, like the yellow one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was just shocking. The second time they were drinking at our next door neighbours. Sorry, they walked up and matched and matched. What was wrong with them? A lot of people did that years ago, Chris. No, man, what was wrong with them when they got there? All you said there was they came up and matched and matched and you had to put them to bed.

Oh, they were just mortal drunk. They couldn't speak, couldn't stand up, all of that. No, no, no, you had to put them to bed. Fantastic. Terrible, shocking. What was wrong with them when they got there? All you said there was they came up in match and match and you had to put them to bed. Oh, they were just mortal drunk. They couldn't speak, couldn't stand up, all of that. No, no, no, we just had to put them to bed. Terrible. Shocking. What was the second time? The second time was when we were next door, at the next door neighbour's house,

and they got drunk, and my dad was trying to catch moths in the bathroom. Fantastic. So we had to put him to bed, and then we had to put my mum to bed as well. Sorry, but he seems okay if he's trying to catch wasps in the bathroom. That's fine. Or moths. Yeah, but he wasn okay if he's trying to catch wasps in the bathroom. That's fine. Or moths.

Yeah, but he wasn't mortal. He was just trying to catch a moth. Which is when you're young. Was he like fighting the moth? You know when someone's fighting someone and you're like, leave it, Derek. It's not worth it. I just remember a tea towel.

There were moths in there. There was a tea towel being thingied around the way. We were like, Dad! Just go to bed! Please! He's getting violent. What with you? No, with the moths.

But because my sister Kate, when we were younger, Kate was so dramatic. And she was like really prim and proper. Like, to be honest, if Kate wasn't there, I'd probably just be like, my mom and dad are drunk. But Kate was like, this is disgusting. I can't believe he's drunk this much. And the next day,

she was like, we're going to put you to bed. Wow. My mum and dad are like, I'm so sorry. That's amazing. I'm so sorry. If it only happened twice,

poor Robin, he's got a lifetime of pain. Oh, God. With us. Oh, no. I think, no, I don't ever want, no offence to your mum and dad,

but I think once your kid has to put you to bed through drink, I think you've made it error-like. Just a couple of times. Yeah. That's all right. The circle of life.

We were both out of tune there. I know. No, I think it's all right. I mean, every night a bit, you know, not great, but just a couple of times. You've got to have a couple of free passes. Wow. I wasn't really angry at them. It was only Kate.

Yeah. Kev can't really remember. He was mad now he was probably quite young that was funny well what i was gonna say to you what did someone said that carl hutchinson once when i first started stand up when i first like when i first started but i'd done a bit of telly and that celebrity juice and a few other things and uh carl was in a chip shop in south shields and there was a pissed guy sitting next to him and he went he went to carl he went yeah you're a comedian aren't you carl went yeah and he went you support uh chris ramsey on tour didn't you and carl went yeah and the float went yeah he thinks he's mint him like yeah tell tell him that i said that he thinks he's mint Colman

alright mate thanks and so he did he rang us in Col's defence for that guy if you're listening mate he rang us the next day

and he said some guy says that he thinks that you think he's mint now he I've gone cross eyed that he thinks that I think I'm mint

yeah you do well on Real Housewives. Really? Yeah. Is that the kind of thing they do? Well, they're very much of like, I've just been watching it before. It's like,

they told me that and I need to tell them because if I keep this information to myself and I don't air this information, then they would be really upset with us. Whereas I live in a world- That's a nice way to justify some shit. I know.

I live in a world if I don't want to know. Oh, yeah. Honestly, I'm Irish for it. Keep it to yourself. You can know someone who calls me

every name under the sun, I'm irate for nan. Oh, 100%. Don't want to know. 100%. But anyway, I think you're many. Did I never tell you

about when I did that at the head of my fringe? What? It was my first time at the head of my fringe and there was a comedian I went to see. I thought he was amazing.

He's called Dan Atkinson. He's worked a lot on a load of Russell Howard stuff and that was a really funny bloke. And he was doing he's called Dan Atkinson he's worked a lot on a load of Russell Howard stuff and that was really funny bloke and he was doing a stand up show and I was like

nervous chatting to him and everyone else and I didn't really know how it worked and I'd read a review I'd read a three star review of his show that wasn't that

that wasn't that great it wasn't a great review I didn't know how it fucking worked Rosie and I went to see his show and I thought his show was amazing and I was like

he did like this mic this massive rant at the end of this like mic drop and I was to see his show and I thought his show was amazing. And I was like, he did like this mic, this massive rant at the end of this like mic drop and I was like on my feet clapping. I thought he was amazing. And I was like drunk in the sort of comedians bar.

And I remember Ed Gamble was standing next to us. Ed Gamble from the Off the Menu podcast was standing right next to us. And I just went, oh, I was like, I thought your show was amazing.

Like I thought it was just so good. And he was like, oh, thanks, Chris. Thanks. And I was like, oh, great. Like, I don't know what that review I was on about. And he went, what?

And as soon as it left me mouth, I realized. And I remember looking at Ed. And Ed, like, had his face in his pint. And he was like, mm. And I went, Ed actually still does an impression of us going, what, what, what? And he went, what do you mean? And I went, oh, anyway, what way?

What way? Where was the review? And I was like, three weeks. He was like, how many stars? I was like, three weeks. He was like, how many stars? I was like, three weeks. So you've just told us

for no reason that I got a bad review. And I was like, I thought you knew because I'd seen the fucking stars on people's posters and the quotes. So I was like,

oh, well, they obviously read all of the reviews. I didn't know they just fucking got told the good ones. I didn't know how it worked. You're a troll?

I accidentally trolled him to his face. I was terrified. You're a real life troll. Thankfully we him to his face. I was terrified. You're a real life troll. Thankfully we're friends now and whenever I see him I have a good chat. But yeah, God.

Oh God, it was horrible. Have you read that review about us actually just recently? Actually we were in the Times. I think the Times did a review. So Sandra was happy about that. Yeah. She messaged you back going

finally! Honestly, can all of... Guardian, Times and all these people who've said lovely things about that. Yeah. She messaged you back going, finally! Honestly, Guardian, Times, and all these people who've said lovely things about the podcast recently, that's very nice, but fucking stop it, right? Why? No, because your readers are going to go,

oh, I'll have a listen to that, and they're going to fucking wind up their fucking gramophone, right? And they're going to put this on, and they're going to be mortified, and they're going to leave bad reviews on the thing, and they're going to say

we're full of filth and potty talk. It's not for them, right? That's very nice if someone in your office likes it, and you have to mention a different podcast for your... Fucking stop giving me shout-outs in broadsheets, right? Because that's not us. Pack it in. Stop it!

Stop it now, right? No, I'm saying you stop it. Don't do that. No, I'm saying that's not... It's like them nightmares, man, where you're on stage in a band and you can't play or you're fucking centre forward for England.

Posh people are filthy. Yeah, to be fair, they are filthy. They are filthy. Pure filth. They'll love this, man. Yeah. It's hilarious. Yeah.

Keep their socks on, though, don't they? What's wrong with it? I'm in my own home. No, man, I meant when they're having sex. Do they? Yeah, then they've got them other things that hold their socks, you know, the little belts. The little braces. Sock brace. I mean, I'm general my own home no man I meant when they're having sex do they yeah then they've got them other things that hold their socks you know the little belts

the little braces sock brace I mean I'm generalising massively we are massively generalising why have we gone I don't know why I brought up posh

straight away my mum reads the time and she's a scumbag yeah and stupid so there you go actually can't unstack a dishwasher or stack one well there you go

and kids put her to bed I've heard piss head babadoo babadoo babadoo bah oh hold on is it time for it's time Well, there you go. And a kid's put her to bed, I've heard. Piss head. Oh, hold on. Is it time for? It's time. Oh, holy shit.

It's time, everyone, for our newest segment. This is Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Fuck me. Well, I never knew that. You're kidding. No way. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries.

Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Rosie's Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Hello and welcome back to Rosie's Mysteries. Welcome back. This is the second part of our series. A series, can I just interject here, a series that a few people pointed out on Twitter and I realised as well last week, a series that you have managed to create

in which the jingle is a million times better than all of the content. That's offensive. Who said that? Me and everyone in the world. Well, they can all go fuck themselves. Wow. This is Rosie's Mysteries Part 2. Got a really good one today actually. I have one now.

It is just true or false again. Not gonna lie. Change the name of the segment. Change it. No, because I've done the jingle. I can't just do... We'll find some fucking mysteries then. True or false?

False. We'll find some mysteries. It's not as good. No, because they never get solved and it's not as exciting. We'll have to discuss that. Right? So, stop it.

Okay, are you ready? I'm ready, I'm ready. Come on, I'll play along. I'll play along. There are two parts of the body that can't heal themselves. True or false? False.

False. Two parts of the body that can't heal themselves. I'll repeat the question. Well, your teeth will be one of them. There are two parts of the body that can't heal themselves. True or false? False. False.

False. It's a mystery. Jesus. It's a mystery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a mystery. Again false it's a mystery Jesus it's a mystery yeah it's a mystery again it's a mystery

for stop now erm one must be your teeth and is there I think it's false are you going with false is it

wait wait no is it more or is it less could it be more I'm literally just looking at my body now

take your time Chris although no you've only got 5 seconds 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 You think it's true I think it's true You're wrong Really? You're wrong, it's false

There's only one in the city I'm quite clever. That's good. Yeah, you're false. Yeah, I'm quite clever there. I'm proud of that. Anyway, we'll be back next week with more... Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Congratulations to all at home who got that right.

Oh, God. Well done. You were so happy saying that. You were so happy. That made your day. I would love to host a game show. Oh, God. Well done. You were so happy saying that. You were so happy. That made your day. I would love to host a game show. Oh, God. God.

If you're going to host a game show, get someone else to do all of the content and questions and stuff because that's got no legs whatsoever. It got you thinking, though. Well, I mean it did, I suppose. Look, it's killed a couple of minutes. Thank you. Exactly.

How dare you? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. This Friday. Thank you, exactly. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for Whatcha Beef! Oh God. Heard you've got a caravan. It's more at home. Which one are you? It's Belinda. Hello, Belinda.

Just wanted to let you know. Stop smoking directly into the mic. It's horrible to listen to in these headphones. I'm isolating still so I can smoke as many tabs as I like, Chris. Okay, just don't blow them into my ears. Corona's going to get us. I might as well just go first. It's called COVID-19.

Everyone's referring to it now because we've kind of moved on coronavirus is more of like what the kind of virus is this one's specifically COVID-19 you might know that if you opened a newspaper

turned the telly on you're a doctor Chris no I'm not no your lad is or whoever what's what relation

Barry to you ask him he's your doctor he's my son well I was actually just ringing you Chris where was he there

yes alright put her on I'm afraid I'm not in control of that He's my son Well I was actually just ringing you Chris Is Rosie there? Yes Alright, put her on I'm afraid I'm not in control of that I'm going to be honest with you No, she's not here She's not here And she'll never be here when any of you phone up Because I'm not going to sit through

Her trying to have a conversation with herself Because that will be the worst Rosie's not here No, she's a busy lady She's out She's she's very busy, got a lot of jobs so she has I just wanted to let you know that I actually own a lot of caravan sites right okay I've got 300 around the country 300 caravan sites yeah yeah yeah Wow couple of B&B's as well yeah triple B Melinda's and B. If you ever want to go, just let us know. Okay. Do a cracking beef dinner.

Right. Because of the surname Beef. Everything we sell is beef. There's actually nothing else on the menu. Oh, just beef? Just beef for everything. What if you're vegetarian or vegan? Can it come, I'm afraid? We tried to do a substitute once, it just wasn't the same. So everything's beef?

Everything's beef What do you do for breakfast? We just have little bits of beef with milk on With milk on! God! We do beef croissant A beef croissant? Yeah, yeah, yeah

We also, sometimes we just pound the beef so much And we get the blood out of it And you can have that on your coffee. Oh, fuck off. Yeah, so if you ever want to come, let us know. No, damn you. Categorically. We're not busy, I don't know why.

Never. It's weird. So just honestly let Rose get in touch with us. Right. That's what you're ringing for, just say if you want to come. You've just got a lot of caravan sites in that. Let's just say it's a motorhome.

Yeah, we've got pitches for them as well. Hard pitch, grassy pitch. How you like, all right? All right, okay. I'll speak to you later, Chris. All right, bye. Take care. Have a lovely time.

All right, bye, bye, bye. They are branching out. They must be loaded. What a good family to know. Yeah. Very business-minded. Jesus. Aren't they?

You thought they were scumbags. 300 caravan sites. How wrong you are. So we should honestly get in touch. Robin loves beef. With milk on. The best you could have... Oh.

Top of the head. Christ. Right. Come on, then. You've been saving this up. oh top of the head Christ right come on then you've been saving this up let's get this out of your system you're going to whinge about the awning and the fucking motorhome yesterday come on then

let's dance okay so my beef with you this week Chris is yesterday we very much nearly got divorced and I'm not saying that lightly

got you I actually said to you I will leave you and I will take someone else you've said it over a couple of random things in the past it doesn't affect us anymore when you say it I'll be honest it's always a good one to go to though guys and gals listening if you ever want to

really make an impact just say you're going to leave it's great especially when you've got a podcast together and a book and a tour that needs to be done that really puts a bit of wallop behind that empty fucking threat it's so funny do you know how hilarious that needs to be done. That really puts a bit of wallop behind that empty fucking threat. It's so funny. Do you know what's hilarious?

I remember before I was married, I had a couple of older mates who were married and they used to talk about arguments they'd had with their husbands or their wives or whatever and they'd be like,

and then I said, I'm leaving and I'd be like, oh my God, you said what? Blah, blah, blah. Now that I'm married, I'm like, I'll say that twice you said what blah blah now that I'm married I'm like I'll say that

like twice a week I just fucking knocked it out whenever you fancy didn't you whenever you fancy Chris pass the remote no

that's it I'm leaving I've got a bag ready in the loft ironic that I'd have to get down for you because you can't reach where the ladder is

I don't like the loft I know I don't anyway the reason why I nearly left yesterday was because. The reason why I nearly left. Okay. Was because we have bought this beautiful motorhome. It is beautiful. It's brilliant. Absolutely wonderful. I'm so in love with it. It genuinely feels like a little bit of a dream come true and I know you might think that thing is really sad but I used to go on caravan holidays and camping and stuff all the time when I was a kid and have my own

and it's pretty posh, right, it's a lot nicer than any that I stayed in, I'm just really happy about it and the fact that I've actually paid for some of it as well, I'm buzzing about it, most of it I don't want to embarrass you on here but I mean I'm paying for the full thing but that's fine, I paid half the deposit no, no, no, I did pay half the deposit yeah cool yeah yeah yes afternoon you said it straight

after this we'll pause this now we'll pause this now and you can send the money back over i'm busy it is it's about scottish bank i'm in love um we got an air owning to go off the side of it so it's like a big tent that goes off the side because when you if it's raining or anything you want to just put all your stuff in there and it's just an extra makes, makes your motorhome a bit bigger. We tried it out yesterday. Put it up. Chris Whinge, the full-time. Even though it only took 10 minutes.

Part and parcel of the whole owning a motorhome. Your eye is twitching. Are you fuming? No, it was difficult to put up. It was really heavy. It wasn't that difficult. It wasn't that heavy. You didn't unpack it. Unpacking it was a nightmare.

Well, I would have. You didn't ask. Anyway. I didn't offer.. Unpacking it was a nightmare. All right, well, I would have. You didn't ask. Anyway. Didn't offer. Oh, this is really... This is... If you could see our faces right now, this might not actually be funny.

Unpacked it all. And it's an A-Owner, so you pump it up, put it up, put it all up. I was buzzing. I was like, this is mint. It's got little windows in it and that. It's just really cool.

Robin was sat in there and he was playing and he parked his little cars and that in there. It was great. Chris, looked like he wanted to cry, sat on the step of the actual motorhome. And I was like, what's the matter? His words. Which I'll never unhear, everyone. It's just a bit

underwhelming. It's just a bit underwhelming. That really hurt because it's part and parcel of the thing and you moaned and groaned and you know what you've ruined more at home day i did you did you ruined it i went off in a huff because i was like it's part and parcel of the thing what she would take it back and then that's when i said no my mom will come so i ring my mom now i'll get out a pack of bags and i actually disinvited you on the trip yes yes well can i just say uh first of all that wasn't motorhome day that was awning day motorhome day was the day before we picked the motorhome up and i was to use your words a fucking ray of sunshine that

day i was lovely we had a lovely time we had a great time right air owning now i have since apologized for this and i am sorry and essentially it was my fault it's called a drive away air owning so you put it up you attach it to your van you put it up you blow it up bish bash bosh it's like a massive tent that's off the side of your van off the side of your motorhome and it's called a drive away one so you can literally put your stuff in there like your clothes and your fucking fruit and veg and your bread and all that shit you can leave it in there detach it apparently leave it there and drive off on your motorhome and go exploring for the day then you can come back and just drive your motorhome straight back into where it was right i put it up with you and it was a fucking nightmare it was hard to put it up i don't care what you say it was hard to unpack the amount

of shit that was in there was ridiculous trying to finally get it up got it up I had to get the stepladders off and like push it back into the thing I realised as I was taking it down that the drive away adapter

that you put in between the air on and in the van I hadn't put on and the whole time I was sitting there going how the fuck are you supposed to drive away in this

this is bullshit what's that got to do with it being underwhelming you keep saying this it's because of the drive away in this what's that got to do with it being underwhelming you keep saying this it's because of the drive away bit no it's got nothing to do with the fact

that you slagged it off I sat there well first of all alright sue me for thinking it was going to be a little bit better

than it was it was essentially just a tent it is just a tent well don't call it on then what did you think it was don't call it on

what did you think it was going to be like I just thought it might have a chandelier or something I don't know you thought it was going to be like? I just thought it might have a chandelier or something. I don't know. You thought it was going to have spotlights, didn't you? Genuinely, right? And a bar.

I just, it was, I was sitting there going, that was a nightmare. How the fuck are you supposed to drive away? And I realised I hadn't even put that attachment on. And I remember phoning them and the guy was like, it's really easy. And I was like, but it's not. And then in the bag, it was like, drive away adapter.

This is the thing to make you be able to drive away easily. I was like, oh, bollocks. And I haven't put it on do you want to apologize i apologize profusely i'll apologize one more time and then i'm not i'm not going to apologize again and if that awning comes over my fence again it's getting a knife in it right what fence i don't know just a phrase i'm gonna pop your own and i'm sorry i ruined your stupid it wasn't a motorhome love the motorhome great can't get enough of the motorhome sorry i slag stupid little awning fight. It wasn't a motorhome. Loved the motorhome. Great. Can't get enough of the motorhome. Sorry I slagged your awning off. Thank you.

Right. There we go. Can we move on? Only now, yes. Nice. We can. While we're talking about the motorhome, for the last time today, hopefully, big shout out to Time Valley Motorhomes

and Jonathan, who I know is listening to this podcast. Hello, Jonathan. You guys were great. Thank you so much. Genuinely brilliant and apologies in advance for how much I'm going to be a pain in the arse over the coming weeks. That was going to actually be my second beef. Really? Yeah, you need to stop

texting them. Don't give us your number. No. Don't give us your number and say things like any problems give us a shout. The minute you say any problems give us a shout, honestly expect us at your bedroom window at two in the morning Chris, we just left the forecourt

and you were like texting him when we got home. Listen. It's ridiculous. Listen, just because you haven't got any more to home, mates. Anyway, a little bit of a

heads up to any of you who sell Chris anything. Don't give him your number because he will ring you. Give us your number. Constantly. I'll have it. It's embarrassing.

It's fine. Just don't look. Don't sell complicated shit and expect us not to ring you because I'll ring you. I'll be all over you. My beef with you this week is we went,

it was our anniversary last week. Uh-huh, yeah. And we went out for a posh, I was basically, I was going to do this last week but we've just done the audiobook so I wanted to talk about that. Okay.

But we went out for a posh meal last week. You're pregnant, so you are driving. We walked back to your car and I said oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah I said

hey Rosie this is weird and I don't know how I know this but I've never been in your car in the dark at night and you went what do you mean and I went I've never

been in your car at night time ever I like you know I quite like I don't know what it is I think it was when I was a kid. My mum and dad used to take us to like,

they used to go to pubs quite far away on a night for like meals and drive us back in the dark. And I always remember the sort of green light on the radio and the buttons lighting the car up. It's quite a nostalgic, yeah. So I thought, oh, I like to see what Rosie's car looks like. On a night, you like to see what they look like with the interior lighting these days.

We got in your car. Nobody gives a shit. No, we do. We got in your car. Nobody gives a shit. No, we do. We got in your car. No lighting. Really dark. Yeah. None of the dials were lit up.

Uh-huh. And then we sort of pulled out of the, the multi-storey car park was lit. And we pulled out there and we pulled onto the main street in Newcastle to drive home. And I was like, you're flat.

Your lights are rubbish. Your headlights are terrible. Do you need some new bulbs or something? And he went, no, this is, it's just, this is what it's like. I think it's because we're high up. Look, you can see it. Look, and you flash your high beams.

He went, oh, my high beams work. But yeah, this is, this is, this is just it. Yeah, the inside's always dark. It's been like this since I got it. Been like this since I got it. I'm just laying back. I'm not that bothered. Playing that fucking card like you always do.

And I'm thinking, this is fucked up. This side. And no one's flashing that. No one's freaking out that I haven't got lights on. So I was thinking, this is fucked up, this side. And no one's flashing out. No one's freaking out that I haven't got lights and so I was like, we must have them on. So we pulled over,

we got over the bridge from Newcastle Gateshead. We pulled over as soon as it was safe because I was like, I have to have a look at this. I went, is there a little dial

next to you to turn your light? No, nothing, no dial, nothing, no. Got out, lights not on.

Literally the lights that come on during the day in a car were on. I was like, this is terrible. I opened your door. I looked right next to your knee. I went, there's your lights.

Click fucking the sun. I got a tan off them. Oh, oh. She goes, oh, there they are. Look at that. Oh, hey. Look at me dashboard. It's all lit up.

You'd been fucking driving. Tell them. Tell them how long you'd been fucking driving tell them tell them how long you'd been driving in the dark with no lights a year a fucking year a year guys you will honestly not believe what you said right we got in she got so excited she'd never had them on she got in she went look at the e this was a one direct quote direct quote i can see the clock i can tell the time i could never see direct quote that's what you said and then you looked at your little door handles the inside door handles and they all lit up and you went oh look at this

i've written it down here right you wrote and i quote look at the lights in the door i feel like i've got a new car isn't this exciting not as exciting as nearly dying every time you drive at night you're absolute maniac oh hey why no one told us rosie they're probably hard people are probably flashing loads you're probably just waving it's me well i always think it's because there's a speed camera coming up yeah people do and i've actually got annoyed you know when people have flashed this, and I'm like, why are they flashing me? Brilliant, yeah.

Just thought they recognised the car. They couldn't see the car. That's a fucking problem. Jesus. I know, that was silly. Is that a beef, though, really? Considering I was in it, it was the way you did it.

It was the way I was going, these lights aren't on, and you were going, the Arman! It's fine, this is just what it's like it's my car man you've never even been in this in the

dark look at that you can see the clock look at that the police aren't chasing us anymore as well because it's

not brand new because it was second hand because it's like three year old I just thought it might not be anyway

my beef is that you never checked that's my beef you don't care can't be arsed Do you know the switch I put them on to? Do you know what switch I put the lights on to? Automatic, because it's got automatic lights Rosie You don't have to turn them on every time you get in

I literally turn it on automatically and go don't touch it again Thank you Fuck my life Don't go for a drive later Your keys get confiscated when the sun goes down, like them people with the snacks last week. After six o'clock, you can't have your keys. It's time for questions from the public.

From the public. Public. Public. Little do you all know that was take two, and the first one took fucking ages. But we nailed it. We got it wrong. Got there.

Guess what? Shouldn't have told you, but I did what i did as always guys if you want to get in touch it is shagged maridanoid at gmail.com please keep sending us all of your wonderful stories dilemmas questions problems office polls now that i think everyone's back at work i'm not sure even zoom polls all of that stuff shag maridanoid at gmail.com we love that you get in touch so much thank you and rosie's doing the questions this week i am i've done them i've done them again shagmarinoid at gmail.com. Rydyn ni'n hoffi bod chi'n cael cymryd cysylltiad â ni. Diolch. A mae Rosie yn gwneud y cwestiynau y wythnos hon. Rwy'n eu gwneud. Rwy'n eu gwneud yn ôl. Ychydig wythnos i fy nheulu. Yr unig ymddiriedaeth o gynulleidfa rwy'n ei gael hyd yn oed. Yn onest, pan fydd eich cynulleidfa yn y post, mae'n mynd yn dda yn y bin. Yn wir? Iawn. Iawn. Felly, mae'n fwy o dda i fynd yn dda yn y bin. Mae hynny'n dda.

Mae hynny'n dweud wrthychda. Mae'n dweud wrthych chi. Mae'n dweud wrthych chi'n union. Roeddwn i'n meddwl y byddwn i'n rhaid i mi gadael hi allan. Byddwn i'n gadael hi allan i'r bin, roeddwn i'n meddwl. Mae'n fawr, Chris. Ie, yn sicr. Mae'n syth yn syth yn y bin. Mae'n cyffredinol.

Mae gennych chi un o'r oen. Y bin ystafell. Oen. Mae gennych chi'r oen. Oen ar y llall arall. Un tent fwyaf yn y tŷ. Helo, Chris a Rosie. Helo.

Mae fy mab a fi yn cael syniadau gwahanol iawn am yr hyn rwy'n ei ddysgu. Ie. Ie. One big motorhome tent. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. My husband and I have very different opinions on what I find a really odd family habit. Okay. We've been together almost ten years, married for three. We now have a little girl of our own, and I have noticed his family always do this one thing that I find just odd. We regularly go over to his mum and dad's house for breakfast on Saturdays

oh lovely isn't that doesn't that sound really nice it does sound nice nobody invites us for breakfast on Saturdays I mean we've heard this before but none of our parents

make Sunday dinners never didn't my mum make one a couple of weeks ago and I swear it was the best meal I've had in years yeah hasn't done one since

it was easily four weeks ago hasn't done one since she said she actually said she said I'm going to make dinner every week haven't done it yet sandra yeah bull my mom and dad make it and never tell her your mom tells me every week that she's

made your dad a chicken dinner yeah and i just want to go just them two you're kidding us half a chicken each you fat fuckers you greedy swines half a chicken each loads of tatoes and that what are you doing sitting here never never get invited do invited, do we? I think it's us. Yeah. Don't think it's anything to do with them. I think it's just us. Maybe we should take it as a hint. No one invites me.

I've been invited to my breakfast. It sounds so nice. I know. Come on then. Should we do it? Should I invite people here? No. No.

No, that's bad. No. We want to go places. We can't at the minute, can we? No. Yeah, you can. Covid. No. Yeah, you're allowed your bubble.

It depends. They'll change it tomorrow. Who knows? Yeah. Anyway, any road, they go for breakfast on Saturdays. Got you. His family are a really lovely, friendly bunch who treat their guests and their visitors very well,

but this only makes this habit even odder. Are you just desperate to know what it is, Chris? I can't wait to hear what this is. Can you not even wait? Come on. You're on the edge of your bloody seat. Yes, come on. On our Saturday mornings, the table is always laid Can you not even wait? You're on the edge of your bloody seat. Yes, come on.

On our Saturday mornings, the table is always laid with the knife on the left and the fork on the right. Oh. But, but, they all eat with the fork in the left hand.

Wow, okay. I find this just so odd. So they all eat with the knife in the right, right for chopping, left for pointing with your fork, but it's always the other way around. Set the other way around. Which way do you eat? Well, I actually eat

the wrong way, so I don't eat the correct way, but when I've got people coming round, I set it properly and I have to turn mine round because I'm embarrassed. That's weird. Carl eats that way as well. Which way? It's the way you eat. Fork in the right and knife in the left.

Yeah, yeah. See, I'm the other. I do the chopping on the right. Well, you're the correct way. That's the correct way. But I've heard just through the grapevine that really clever autistic people eat the other way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, just through the grapevine. Just heard it. really clever autistic people eat the other way great so just yeah yeah so um yeah just

through the grapevine just heard it just throughout my life i always heard oh albert einstein eats this way oh julie walters eats this way just loads of just amazing people like just well what she ran out just ran out after two she went al Albert Einstein, then Julie Walters, then she ran out. Anyway, she finds it really odd. And she actually, she's got a lot of exclamation marks

in this email. She's really, really paid off with this. I rate, yeah. Just because every time she goes, it's set a different way,

so they all must sit down and then move them around. Oh, oh, sorry, princess. Oh, when you're going over to someone's house of a saturday for your breakfast that's getting cooked for you do you have to pick your knife and fork up and swap hands you must be exhausted go fuck yourself

i've got another question about knives and forks great would you like it? Oh, why not? Why not? Did you just bump? No, it was my hand on the chair behind it. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Chris, hi. Can't stop laughing. I don't know why. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Because you married me.

Because you married me. That might be up there with the worst things you've ever said. Wow, okay. That's good. Can't stop laughing because you've married me. The fact that you laughed more when I said that was painful. That hurt a bit. That's right.

Listen, I've got a really good question. I have a question for you both that has torn my household apart. God, grief. Knife, fork, spoon. You have to give up one forever. Which one do you give up? Knife. that quick straight away i'm always i'm always eating things but you tell me now and then to go and get a knife out because i'm chopping things up the side of me fork no no well you know what i would do if i had to give it up forever i've thought of this before i think i've even said on the podcast have you

yeah i think i've said on the podcast i think i could i could get rid of knives i'm not i'm cool i could get rid of knives forever okay cool I could get rid of knives forever and what I would do is if I was eating steak or something we've got it in the drawer we've got a knife sharpener I would just sharpen the side of my fork so the side of it was a knife but then you'd eat it with your fork and you'd slash the side of your mouth what do you think I'm fucking sucking off my fork

I'm just putting the stuff in my mouth I'd be careful what do you do deep through it in my fork no but if it was really sharp mouth i'd be careful right oh well that would make oh i'll tell you what deep throat in me four no no but if it was really sharp sharp you know to cut your steak and you put it in your mouth well i'd chop it into a little square and then i'd put i'd just delicately prong the fork i'd put my teeth on oh well that would be a horrible meal oh this tastes delicious but i'm just worried i'm gonna slash my face open.

Bloody, what's it called? Chelsea, smile myself on me. On me stupid invention that I've made. Listen, I'm going to make millions on that. Absolutely pointless. I said to get rid of forks. Really? Yeah.

Why? A knife and a spoon, Al. The last three years. A knife and a spoon. What people get given in prison in cartoon shows. A knife and a spoon. A knife and a spoon. Yeah, it'd be fine.

I'm sure. My idea of a knife and a spoon, I'm sure an old episode of Winnie the Pooh, he's eating something with just a knife and a spoon. What are you going to eat spaghetti with? What pasta? Yeah. Well, I'll just chop it up with my knife

and eat it with my spoon. Give us another one. Soup's give us another one soup's fine I can still put it on my bread you can still put it on your bread I can hold anything that I'm going to cut in place with my spoon and I'll just cut it and then I'll push whatever food it is

onto my spoon with my knife you've lost, you're literally going to A&E for your new thing. I'm buzzing over here, me, with my knife and my spoon. Noodles, what are you doing? Same as the spaghetti. What if it's like a ramen? Well, I'll be buzzing. No, but it's like long noodles, right?

Long noodles floating in a kind of sauce. So you can't just hack at them with your spoon. Right, well, I'll tell you what I'll do. nwydlion hir, yn llwyddo mewn ffwrdd, felly gallwch ddim dweud yn unig gadael nhw gyda'ch sbwn. Iawn, wel, fe wnaf i ddweud wrthych chi beth byddaf yn ei wneud. Gwnaf y sbwn. Dwi'n mynd i'w troi fy sbwn ac yn ei wneud yn ddae. Ac fe wnaf i'w defnyddio fel sbwn. Mae hynny'n dda.

Diolch. Mae hynny'n dda. Mae hynny'n dda. Mae hynny'n dda. Ond dyna beth byddaf yn ei wneud. Felly, a wna'i ddod yn gwrth? Nid, oherwydd rwy'n meddwl y byddaf yn mynd i ffwrdd â'r gwaith. Oherwydd rwy'n meddwl y byddech yn bod yno, yn bwysleisio eich spageti, Do I win? No, because I think I'd get away with mine massively. Because I think you would just be there

just chopping up your spaghetti like someone not well. Just hacking at it with your spoon. In what world do we eat spaghetti every single day? Well, not every day, but we're going to eat it at some point. And I'm going to just be twiddling up with my fork and just hoeing it in

and you're going to be chopping it all up. Good luck eating a bowl of soup. But I've still got my spoon. No, that's been taken off you because of your stupid idea with the fork. It's been confiscated.

Yes. That's not fair. That wasn't in there before. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi Chris and Rosie. Please could you keep me anonymous? We'll see. I'm a midwife

and one of the women I was looking after decided as she was deep in her labour, mid-pushing, to listen to your podcast. Don't fuck with me. I'm so... No way.

Subsequently, her baby was delivered and the first thing he heard was the sound of your two voices. Wow. Poor little bastard. Wow. No, I'm proud of that. That's great. It's pretty cool, isn't it?

Get in. My question to Rosie is what is it actually like having Chris physically in the labour room is he a head end or a business end kind of guy

and will he have to be scooped off the floor wow yeah you wouldn't look but I ended up having a cesarean anyway

but Chris wouldn't look oh no you went out for a few little cries during the labour. Yeah. Slash went to the cafeteria, got myself a nice pasta

which I ate with a fork with no issue. I remember sitting there thinking, it'd take me twice as long to get back if I had to fucking chop this up with a knife

like some kind of nutter. Wow. Really? Really. I won't look. I wouldn't look. If business end um i won't look i wouldn't look um if business end was offered it was i wouldn't look uh i was asked if i wanted to watch the cesarean uh genuinely nearly slapped the person who asked us did you not look when i had this

did i watch while they sliced through all of the layers of the stomach and pulled a child out of the wound no i didn't no i you not remember I wanted to film it? Yeah. But I didn't. I was off my toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wanted to film it, but the brook who did Saw

wasn't available to direct. So we went in another direction. Yeah, no, no. I wouldn't look. I wouldn't look at all. I couldn't imagine watching Caesarian. I think it'd be the worst thing. I mean, when you put Botched on,

I want to cry my eyes out. So I'm watching someone I love getting hacked open. No chance. Well, the thing is, because I mean, when you put botched on, I want to cry my eyes out. So I'm watching someone I love getting hacked open. No chance. Well, the thing is, because I had an emergency cesarean with Robin, I didn't ever think I'd end up having a cesarean. So I didn't really know what it was.

It wasn't until the day after I got home, I Googled cesarean. So I watched a video and then I saw how many layers they cut through and I went, that's why it's a bit painful. Yeah. So, yeah. But you were all right.

You've not got much to do this time because I'm having another cesarean. Planned. Planned one because Robin was massive. Massive. And they basically said, would you like one? And I said, do you know what? I bloody would. Yeah.

So apparently you just go in on the day, get it, and you've got your baby. You know what day your baby's coming? It sounds absolutely magical. Like going to pick up a pizza.

It's got what? Little dominoes. Little dominoes. Oh, little Donnie. Tommy, even. You've got to be careful though

because if you get someone doing the caesarean who got that last question and gave up knives they've got to do it with a spoon that would be that'd be their long time fork but if sharpen the side of the fork be exactly the same exactly the same i thought this question was just a bit funny made us g giggle. Hi, Rosie and Chris. So my story slash question. I can be a bit of a nag with my poor husband at times. And a few years back, after a particularly naggy day of me relentlessly going on and on,

he got so exasperated and infuriated with me whilst doing the dishes, he plunged his face into a full washing up bowl of soapy water. Literally like, shut up! So at first, right? At first, the joke I was going to make when it was her saying, I'm naggy and I'm this and I'm that. My joke I was going to make was, is this him sending this? But when i'm this and i'm not my joke i was going to make was is this him sending this but when it got to that bit i realized that she's so proud she got him to this point she's like i'm nagging on this and i'm not and i managed to get the

bastard to put his head into the dishes absolutely one that's wonderful i know it's it's have you got any equally mental last straw stories from when either of you has broken the other or driven you to complete distraction. Wow. Have we got any stories? Yesterday, did you notice yesterday after the whole awning fiasco that when I came in and you came in not long after that I really slammed that washing machine door?

Did you? Well, I haven't checked on it. I'm a little bit worried that it might be broke. Right, okay. You were banging things around for a while. I love a bit of that. It's horrible. I was in the same room as you and just banging and clamping. I'm a little bit worried that I might be broke. Right, okay. You were banging things around for a while. I love a bit of that. It's horrible. I was in the same room as you

and just banging and clamping. I felt like going, look, I know you're in a mood. Will you just not take it out on the fucking dishes and cutlery, please? I know, but you don't fight back sometimes. You just go a bit quiet and like a little puppy that's been kicked.

And then I'm like, I want to have a fight. Because you're raging about, you're raging, I'm not doing backflips about a fucking inflatable tent that sticks onto a caravan. You said you were going to leave it in the beefs and you've brought it up again.

So don't. You've apologised and I've forgiven you. Let's leave it there. Okay. The point is, I pick my fights. I'm not going to pick a fight. I'm not going to be like, right, I'm putting my foot down here. I'm fucking, you know, I'm digging in. I'm going for it over and on and some things i won't fight over i'll just think ah you

know what and then i and you know what i don't say this often because i was right yeah thank you sorry i knew it that was weird something happened i didn't see it that was an audio glitch listen that'll do me i'm glad babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi rosie and bike guy that's annoying pack that in everyone right now's annoying pack that in everyone right now don't pack that in no did i tell you the other day i was going along on my bike and i heard someone shout bike guy and i looked and it was your mom sandra was coming up our street she'd been i'd forgot you'd been there and i was going up and she was like bike guy and i was like yeah i was like oh hi so no she was like hi son

well she's burning on she bought you some bike T-shirts for your birthday. She bought some bike T-shirts this morning. Honestly. I put one on. I went straight out on my bike. Loved it. Yeah, bike T-shirts and a box of Lindt chocolate. So she's like, no.

And a bottle of wine. And a bottle of wine. And I can't drink at the minute because I said I'm not going to drink wine. That was weird because she gave us a bottle of wine and she said, you know, there you go, a bottle of wine. You know, drink it when Rosie's not about, you know. Or you could give it to guests. I went, are you telling me you want to take this home now? The present you've just given us.

She'd take it. Of course she would. If I said, you just take it, she'd be like, cheers. Yeah, yeah, she'd take it. We have been listening from episode one. We think we have a good question. It's just not disgusting. That's absolutely fine.

They don't need to be disgusting. Please, they don't need to be disgusting at all. For some background, we were listening to Lose Yourself by Eminem and my boyfriend was rapping away. I asked how well he knew the song and then posed this question. You're at gunpoint for some reason, okay?

But just makes it a lot more dramatic, I think. So I agree with that, right? You're at gunpoint. Yeah. They're my fingers, okay? She's doing a gun, yeah. You will be spared if you can sing one song in full perfectly. What song would you like to choose, bitch?

What? Bit much. What does she mean? Just lyrics. You've got to do the lyrics. You've got to know it. You've got to know the lyrics absolutely perfectly. She's put

we think that Chris will have a few options but Rosie will struggle. She makes up the lyrics. She's totally right there. Yeah, God. Probably Drug Ballad by Eminem off the Marshall Mathers LP. Never heard of that.

She's got some really good lyrics in it. Or Lose Yourself might be one of them Real Slim Shady I could probably do so just anything from Eminem most Eminem

because do you know why because they're easy to remember because they've got they've got verse chorus verse chorus

verse finished do you know what I mean whereas other songs they'll be like repeat the bridge again and they go and whereas it's like a

narrative, like a story. It's a bit intense, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stan, I could probably do Stan all the way through. What about you? Honestly, none. Really? Just tutors? I was like, I could do that. And I thought, I was like, you know Lisa Loeb, do you remember Lisa Loeb? Yeah.

I miss you. Turn the radio on, I turn the radio off and this woman was singing my song lovers in love and the others run away lover is crying cause the other won't stay somebody's hurting cause it

and then I got to there and I was like when with the head of the dance of the day they were born well well but it's not that thing

that I'm from but I'm thrown fuck I shot you twice by now but I thought I'd live forever but now I'm not to show you wanna give away give a

but they're not they're the wrong words they won't take you anywhere or anyhow with me. And then I really thought I know all that and I've messed it up twice already. So no, I don't know any song well enough. I'd have emptied a couple of cartridges into you by now.

Well, I did Fame, the song Fame, in a show for two years straight. Right. And I was singing the wrong words the whole time. It wasn't until later on in life that I realised. Brilliant. Is this worse than leperquassing? time. It wasn't until later on in life that I realised. Brilliant. Is this worse than leprechausing? No.

It's not actually that bad. It's just the chorus is like, Fame, I'm going to live forever. I'm going to learn how to fly high. I feel it coming together. And then I used to sing, People will see me and die. Right.

But it's actually crying. So you thought the last line in the chorus of fame was people will see me and die like die why did you see me and die why die i don't know why fame that but that's really grim or did you think it was like die as an e i saw that bloody such and such in the future i nearly died i think it was i die as in like eee I saw that bloody such and such at the food shop I nearly died I think it was I didn't really look into it that much but now I get it

people will see me and cry because it's like she's so good she's crying they're crying well she's famous they're breaking down

yeah but then you could with die people will see me and die like die on the floor like oh my word there's Meryl Streep

I've just died I don't know anyway so there is no song that I know all the lyrics to. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. You'd sing happy birthday? Yeah, I know all the words to happy birthday.

You've found a fucking loophole there. There we go. Yeah, yeah. What if it's the person with the gun and you've got to say their name and you don't know their name? Happy birthday to you so happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Steve

stranger with a gun happy birthday to you yeah it was Stephen with a PH as always thank you so so much for coming back week in week out and listening to us two

prattle on about utter bullshit. This is Shagmar Linoid and we are now part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much for listening. As I said before, please continue to like, rate and subscribe. Oh, we forgot to mention, we saw our physical book today. We did. The publisher sent us a video of it. We haven't been sent it yet, but we're going to get the physical book soon.

That's very exciting. And just as a reminder, it's out on the a video of it. We haven't been sent it yet, but we're going to get the physical book soon. That's very exciting. And just as a reminder, it's out on the 3rd of September. And we will see you next week. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.