Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 77. Eat Your Words

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

This week Chris and Rosie are recording from a hotel. They reflect on their motorhome holiday and Rosie solves more mysteries.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my fella. Fella.

My bloke, my man. Bloke, my man. Chris Ramsey. Hello, guys. Thank you so much for listening. As always, it's episode 77. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. You're slipping and sliding straight in there. I am, you know, because I feel like, well, I was just about to say, I feel like these intros have been too long recently, but you've just ruined that by supposed to be really...

Basically, we are recording, if it sounds slightly different, I don't know if it does sound different, but we're recording in London in a hotel room. London, it's London. Is there any warning to add about it? Currently the hottest place on earth. It really is. I don't think it was this hot in London during the Great Fire of London.

I think this is actually hotter. It's craziness. What year was the Great Fire of London. I think this is actually hotter. It's craziness. What year was the Great Fire of London? Oh, what, are you thinking someone's going to get upset? Yeah, someone will probably get an email for slagging off the Great Fire of London. Just wondering if anyone's nana might have died in the Great Fire of London, and we might be upsetting them. Yeah, but you can't contest that a fire isn't hot.

You can't contest that analogy. Somebody will. Well, good, look forward to it. Now, we are currently in a hotel. Thus, this week's lucrative sponsor has something to do with hotels. It has. I've looked at these things now and then. On brand. Yeah, or just totally weird. The guys got

in touch and I was like, that's weird. We're in a hotel at this time. The guys did get in touch, the team. This week's lucrative sponsor is flannels in hotels. Ooh. Hey. Yeah. There's a little flannel there All folded up there Next to the sink

Look nice and clean Bet it's not Mingin' Bet it's not What been using that for? To clean the cups That's what I heard I'm not even talking about

The people who work here I'm talking about Dirty sods coming in here I thought I was Hanky Panky then leaving I bet you that Look at that flannel Where else in life

Do you have a flannel? No way. Where's that been used? Someone's bum crack. Someone's tiddler. Someone's vagina. Do you think that's been used to wipe up sex?

Telling you. Sex juice. Might as well be called sex rags. Might as well be in a little box called sex rags by the bed. Wipe yourself off. Flannels. Don't put it on your face.

Someone spunked on it. Flannels. Oh, you're totally right. Nature's death trap. I i used to back in the day when i was naive to stuff like this i used to use everything in hotels i'd be like look at this oh wow look yeah the cups the flannels the everything no never again right and can we just clarify now that when you say use you mean steal and take home for your mom oh yeah always of course yeah i took a stolen soap away.

Oh look, a shoeshine wipe. Oh, I'll have them as well. Oh look, the complimentary dildo. No, someone left that. Don't use that. Wipe it with a flannel.

Don't, because then you're just spreading stuff. Anyway, let's crack on. Let's crack on. Here's the jingle. Here it is. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah.

Jingle. Hello and welcome back. Thank you obviously again for coming back. We bloody love you. We back. We bloody love you. We do. We absolutely love you. Like, almost in a creepy way. Like, we love you too much.

I mean, speak for yourself. I can take or leave them, if I want to. She doesn't speak for both of us, guys. I honestly would stand outside your window in the rain with a ghetto blaster on your shoulder, playing your favourite songs. What? Playing love songs? Playing love songs. Whatever they liked. Nobody ever did that for me as a kid. I don't think anyone's ever

done it ever. Do they not? Well they do in films. Yeah. I think it was done in one film which I can't remember the name of and then I think I've just seen it parodied in other films since then. No there's definitely been a few films where it's always the bloke, not really the last,

who's kind of stood outside. Probably because the last doesn't know how to work the bloody ghetto blaster. Am I right, guys? Oh, hey. Yeah, she'll have to ring you. Well, what side do I put the cassette in?

Snakes with tits. Snakes with tits. No, there's always been, and they always live in an absolute beautiful mansion, like Father of the Bride, and then there's always been, and they always live in an absolute beautiful mansion, like father of the bride. And then there's always a really handsome lad outside with a ghetto blaster playing lovely songs

and hoeing stones at the window. Imagine how infuriated your mum and dad would be if some lad was hoeing stones off your window. Rosie, I'd turn the sprinklers on. I'd turn the sprinklers on. I'd come up with a hose. I'd hose them down. You've never lived in a house

with sprinklers I'd quickly get some I'd go out is this a thing then tell you what right here's a here's a I can't even speak

here's a guarantee I can't talk I was trying to do you know what happened there I've got a cup of tea and I was so we're recording do you hear that

yes so normally we record on a wooden table and I can put drinks down a lot easier but I was trying to put a cup of tea down there and I was you know the same men call multitask and you think it's bollocks it's true i couldn't actually get the word out because i was trying to slowly lower

that cup onto the table you cannot at all you can't do one more than one task at a time well that's why i get really flustered when you when i'm doing one thing and you ask us to do another thing freaks us out but what i was going to say was if our child baby Ramsey baby Rona is a girl I am going to straight away the first thing I'm going to do is get an automatic

sprinkler system installed just for if any boys ever stand outside in years to come with ghetto blasters what if she likes girls girls as well sprinklers on

and look I don't care of your gender right if you're outside my house in the middle of the night with a fucking ghetto blaster one what are you doing with a ghetto blaster

get an iPhone loser two get off me lawn get off me lawn and get away stop waiting everyone up sing a song for our ma because i quite like it oh do you know what it is rosie the worst thing what if someone was doing that but our daughter or son if someone stands outside with a ghetto blaster i will be able to hear like a harmony happening and i'll be like what's that and like i'll look in the bed next to us the bed will be empty and you'll be down on the lawn with them in your dressing gown harmonising

isn't this lovely you would I think that I am do you know Mean Girls never seen it you've never seen Mean Girls no oh yeah

why do you keep doing this to us What? Oh, Jesus. You've never seen Mean Girls? No. Oh, yeah. Why do you keep doing this to us? What happens in it? Well, they're just dicks, really. A girl moves to a new school. Imagine it was called Dick Girls. It should be. They're all dicks.

Do you call it Mean Girls or Dick Girls? I think there's already a DVD somewhere called Dick Girls. It's not the same. Why? Honestly. Anyway anyway she gets in with this crowd of girls and they're not very nice they are the mean girls of the school and uh what the meanest girl regina george her mom is just like a bit full-on and wants to be in the gang and then they do a christmas concert and the mom's like doing the dance routine and

in the aisle that's absolutely and i think that would me 100% you yeah don't even have to know the film to know that it's definitely you 100% so yeah oh we watch that we watch that when we get home

it's very good I can't I've got I'm busy I've got loads on so busy although annoyingly I would probably watch it now

because when I watched it the first time it was a long time ago and I'd watch it now and go oh this is shit innit oh I bet it's not I still see people kick off about

like kick off get quoted about how good it is and bang on about how good it is yeah but there's some films that you haven't seen that I won't watch because I will be I'll be doing them word for word

like Pulp Fiction I don't think you've seen Pulp Fiction I've seen Pulp Fiction yeah but you said you can't remember it not really I can't watch it with you because I've done I like studied it at uni

I watched it like 50 times I just I can do it word for word. I can tell you the whole film now. It's not even in narrative order. Yeah, listen, I haven't got much content for this week's podcast. If you'd like to just start. How shit would that be as a segment? Chris retells a film and tries to get it in order and summarize it.

You're so weird, though. You would get it right. Yeah. Genuinely, I might have aimed too high here because Pulp Fiction, it's all in weird order. you're so weird though you would get it right yeah genuinely I might have aimed too high here because Pulp Fiction it's all in weird order

so the narrative is all chopped up so literally someone dies and then they're in the next scene because it's Tarantino so I would I'd make a fucking mess of it it's sadly

not this is going to sound a bit awful but it doesn't matter you know we love each other we're married it's the part of your personality that I'm a bit upset

that Robin has fucking hell like in my head there when you were about to say it We love each other. We're married. It's the part of your personality that I'm a bit upset that Robin has. Fucking hell. Like, in my head there, when you were about to say it, I was like, she's going to say she doesn't like this part of your personality and that's fine.

You know, I've heard things. But it's the part of your personality that I'm sad that our son has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is painful. That's a horrible thing to say. Robin will not let me get anything wrong. No.

No, he won't. Have you seen him? Yeah. We've learned the spider-man song both of us right in the car because he wanted to play it over and over bastard again and he's learned it for word for word and i'm like spider-man spider-man does whatever a spider-man can he's like no mummy it's just does whatever a spider can and he made us play it again to prove that he was right and i thought this is your is your dad. Yeah. And honestly, for five seconds, didn't like him.

Wow. Didn't like him, and it was because I could see you. No. And I think we'd had a fight that day. He does like correcting. He has picked that up from me. He's a bit of a dick when he does it. What has he got to prepare himself for?

Do you know how many times in my life I've corrected someone, and I've been wrong, and I've looked like a right twat? True. Right twat. Well, I'll get it out of him. Don't worry. Yeah. All right, good. Yeah, good on you. That a right twat. True. Right twat. Well, I'll get it out of him. Don't worry. Yeah.

All right, good. Yeah, good answer. That's your five-year plan. You're wrong. I'm big, you're small. I'm right, you're wrong. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So we're in London

recording this week, as we said, basically because last week we had to record the podcast very early in the week because we went on a little holiday and then when we got back from the little holiday, it actually took a while to wind down.

So instead of doing it straight before I go to the one show, Rosie's come down to London for a little jaunt, a little sweat box holiday. Yeah, I know. To come and do this. And Rosie, tell them where we went on my holiday. We went to North Yorkshire. Yay!

North Yorkshire. Yay! North Yorkshire. Can't even do the accent. It was bloody fantastic. Chris is eating his words every day. Sorry? He ate more words.

What? You look like a thesaurus, the amount of words you have ate. What's this? You're going to start shitting words. What do you mean're gonna you're gonna flood the toilet with all your word crap what are you talking about because we we went away in the motorhome which you did not want i see what you're doing this is funny and then you're trying to swap around you're trying to swap this round for comedy effect to say that you wanted the motorhome and i didn't that's very very funny anyone who listens to the podcast will know that I was full on up for

camping, caravans, motorhomes 100%. Paved the way. Motorhome guy. Always called myself a motorhome guy. You were against it. You have made a fool of yourself. You have. The fool here is you wrote a 20 minute stand up routine which is on Amazon Prime

at the minute about how much you hate caravans and how much you slag them off and guess where Chris wants to go in the caravan wants to nip to France

doesn't he wants to nip to France if you'd watched my Prime special you'd know the phrase was pop to France so the joke doesn't work and secondly

to be a pedant like our son in the Spider-Man song we did get him on at home we didn't get a caravan so I actually haven't given up

I still don't like caravans you know when I'm walking through the caravan site I spit on them when I walk past I spit on the caravans I don't that would be

imagine the only thing Chris Ramsey just spit on our caravan fucks he think he is he was nice on Strictly what's happened he's a dick

the only thing I've got to say is genuinely I can forgive you because you loved it and you embraced it loved it

and the best thing that's going to stay in my memory for the rest of our marriage and life hopefully we'll see

see how we get on touchable take each day as it comes on you on the third day or fourth day because we stayed next on you on the third day or fourth day because we stayed next to her

on the fourth day walking back from the communal showers which you chose to go to that's right with your towel wrapped around your waist and your little toilet bag

under your arm that's right I didn't recognise you Rosie go hard or go home go hard or go home you know what I'm saying you're going to experience it experience it you Experience it.

You know? You loved it. I remember I was walking along with my towel rounders. I went there in my swimming shorts. I came back with my towel rounders. And you were like, look, you with towel rounder. And I very loudly went,

yeah, I've got my shorts underneath still. Well, actually. Didn't have them underneath. Did you? Just a towel. No, Chris, I have spoke to our friends who have been caravanning for quite a while. And apparently it's extremely bad etiquette to do that actually.

To walk back where you're told around. Maybe don't do that again. Speaking of bad etiquette, I went and emptied our toilet, didn't I? Yes. So guys, if you don't know, if you're a motorhome novice unlike me, obviously a motorhome guy. Oh, and by the way, regular listeners will be happy to know there's a bike rack on the back of the motorhome. Oh, I know.

I haven't changed too much. How many bikes does it hold, Chris? Four you for asking four bikes nobody asked how many in the family chris uh three how many actually have bikes one so there's only if anyone if anyone happens to be going the same campsite as us and you need your bike taken just let us know because i've got three bike rack spaces i don't know how to use them yet though so no i don't know how to use the bike rack i got scared now what are you saying um speaking of caravan and and campsite etiquette i wasn't aware that when you go and empty your toilet see i say empty your toilet it's it's basically back in the day it was like disgusting that could overflow and break and look good but these are it's like a they call it a

cassette but it's basically it looks like a Ghostbusters backpack. It does. And it sort of pulls out and then there's a little, a little telescopic handle. And then you wheel it like you're going on a holiday, but you're taking all your family's shit and piss with you. And you go down. Taking your dumps for a walk.

Yeah. And you go down to, what's it called? El San Disposal. Something like that. I'm not sure. I don't know what El San means. I think they've just picked a word that isn't shit. Feces.

Family waste. Yeah. Feces drop off point. Taking the kids to the pool. Has a whole new meaning. Checkpoint Brown, they should have called it. How about that? Checkpoint Brown.

Well done. Got nothing. Nothing for that. I've got nothing. So when I went to empty the toilet on the first time i did i actually did it twice over the over the course of the three days because you bless you you did it the first day because you were scared i wasn't fully on board yet and i'd want to go home i had to empty the toilet so you did it the first day um i went and did it the

last two days and i didn't realize the etiquette it seems to be from from what i gathered the etiquette seems to be you don't really talk about it. So I was, in my head, I was going to be walking to the toilet with my little wheelie barrow of poo and I was going to be walking past. A suitcase of shit. In my head I was going to be walking past and people were going to be like

Oi, oi, there he goes! Oi, look at all that! Heavy one is it? Big night was it? Had a curry? I thought it was going to be like, I was really scared a curry like i thought it was gonna be like like i was really scared i was really scared it was a vulnerability it's a real vulnerability wheeling your family shite across it's intense like yeah and everybody knows i mean i walked past someone who was having a barbecue like i mean but no everyone's just like morning morning

and it's like just no one the totally no salad right and i got to the i got to the bit and uh and there was a queue and one guy yeah there was a queue me and me and me and three blokes um and uh there was one guy uh emptying his stuff and then he came out and he was like sort of um putting his little thing away and washing his hands and i went uh hey best part of the holiday and he went oh uh packing up to leave you mean and i went no emptying your shite and he like laughed but kind of looked really like nervous and weird at the same time and i was like does he not know he was just emptying his like is he unaware of what he's just done is he nose blind yeah is he unaware of what he's just done i thought okay fair enough and he like sort of like yeah is he unaware of what he's just done i thought

okay fair enough and he like sort of like huh and he kind of walked off and i thought okay bad crowd right i thought i'll have another crack at this the next guy in front of us in and out seconds in out straight away and i went oh not much in there then and i swear to god he looked at us like i'd asked to borrow a thousand pounds. Like, he just glared at us. And I was like, okay. And I thought, you know what? Round the toilet, empty and banter. It might not be a thing.

No, I don't think it is. I don't think that's where you made friends. Did you try it again? No, it was just them two. You know what it is? I cashed out. I was like, I can't be doing this again. So, no, the rule must be, don't talk about shit club. Yeah.

First rule of shit club. Don't talk about shit club. Don't talk about shit club. And I didn't realise that the walking back in your towel was a bad thing is that people genuinely said that

to only one person let us know don't email because there's too many emails I'll have to walk back naked next time shame anyway we had

a lovely time very happy we purchased the Le Morte at home genuinely we're loving it buzzing I know I joked

but eat me words absolutely eat me words loved it loved it it was my idea to stay for the extra night I know I'm telling you right now

if I wasn't doing the one show this week we'd be outing it again I'd try to book up for next week it's pissing down everywhere might still go yeah real motorhome guys

don't let the rain put them off no Nat babadoo babadoo babadoo a little story that kind of ties in with the motorhome whilst we've been away my mum Sandra house sits for us which is lovely A little story that kind of ties in with the motorhome.

Whilst we've been away, my mum, Sandra, house sits for us, which is lovely because, you know, we put on Instagram and social media that we're away all the time. So whenever we go anywhere, always somebody's staying in our house because, you know, just worried. Worried we might get robbed, really. To be fair, though, when you look back at the mess and the disorganisation that your mum's caused when she was there it might actually be better to just be robbed she doesn't cause mess she tidies up everywhere yeah she tidies up and everything goes back in the wrong place well what

what i was gonna moan about right is that i know sandra listens to this so she's listening and i haven't spoke to her about this but um when my mom stays at our house right when when i come home she um so i might have talked about this on the podcast before i really like cushions yeah i love a bright colored cushion they cheer me up i've got loads of them all over the house on every bit of furniture there's a cushion yeah um sandra i don't think she likes some of them because when i get home they're always turned yeah like they'd be naughty and like they've disowned the family she turns them over so you can't see

the lovely bright pattern and they're just like the grey on the other side can we just please tell the listener that you were about to bollock me for that

I thought it was you you thought it was me and you walked in we'll go back from the motorhome holiday hashtag motorhome guy and Rosie walked to the other part of the house

and then came back in the kitchen and went do you know what I always thought it was you that turned the cushion around but it's me mum she said you don what i always thought it was you that turned the cushion around but it's me ma'am you don't turn cushion around cushions around you know and i don't turn them around i just you know the cushions aren't my department really i get annoyed when you

do the karate chop thing that pisses me off so sometimes i'll go and grab the two corners and straighten them up again just to piss you off but she actually turns around the one she doesn't that's great yeah like a photo frame of someone who don't like anymore that's much she's marking her territory that is coming out as well above where recycle bin bit where we keep all the rubbish the other week she'd put uh one of the coffee cups that had a chip in it she just decided my favorite coffee cup she was like it's got a chip and i was like i just used the other side she tried to recycle a pair of scissors that was funny i looked at an empty recycle bin there was a pair of scissors that was funny i looked at an empty recycle bin there was

a pair of scissors the handle was broken what are they doing this well you can recycle them they're metal and plastic i went the fucking scissors no you can't see well i'm on board with that because i've got no idea what you can recycle the period unbelievable well absolutely unbelievable sorry if i was on who wants to be a millionaire and i got a question about recycling i would not phone you amm in fact if I had to ask the audience I would say disconnect her fucking thing because it's an anomaly disconnect her little button thing pointless

yeah get her off there my wife unplug her little button thing I don't want to ask her I want to ask everyone else but her because she's going to fuck the results up

but anyway Sandra listen love you really do thank you for house sitting you're tidy up and you're clean it's gorgeous

but stop turning me cushions over because that little fish in the orange that little're tidy up and you're clean. It's gorgeous. But stop turning me cushions over. Because that little fish in the orange tree, that little fish needs air. And you're turning them against the chain. I'm upset about it. Backstory there. There's a fish on one of the cushions.

That sounded like your mum was murdering my pets. I wouldn't murder pets. She wouldn't actually. She probably would, you know. Don't know where your rabbit went. Just look at the CCTV footage and she's just fucking booted it out the gate and shut the door.

She would, you know. No, she would. We had animals growing up. Never cat or dog. Just rabbits. Sandra, can I just say, turning the cushions round, power move.

I respect it. I respect it. You've gone up in my estimations. Keep doing it. Find more stuff like that to do. I think she did it and then i think she's always done it but she turns them back round and i think she's forgot so that's what happened i think she does it all the time but she's forgot this time and so you've been

caught out sandra could we also could we just talk about the fact that your mom like invited her mates around and stuff it's like the world's gone up it's gone upside down it's like when you're a kid and your parents go away you're like for your mates you're like i've got a free house like you we went away and your mom phoned her mates i was like i've got a free house come round give it 10 minutes though i've got to turn the manky cushions over so you don't get upset so just to let you wear behind the curtain of the podcast here and because we're in a sort of new setup we're in a we're in a different room in this apartment in london um we uh i talked very very fast in the in the in the intro didn't ever was and now and then sometimes if one was off it's basically because we're in a

different setting and i was you don't deal well with change i don't deal well with change i talk really fucking fast um so rosie said just after the just as as you were listening to the jingle rosie was like are you okay you're talking really fast so i had to listen to it back and i was talking really fast now you could have been it was so fast that you could have been forgiven for thinking you had it on because we often get messages when people have got it on double speed on the podcast yeah and they're like i had it on double speed i thought you were like insane do you know what i mean and then and then but rosie told me this morning about an incredible you got an incredible message i did yes on instagram right now can i just paraphrase this message yeah go on

so rose got a message this morning and it was an apology for um for a complaint a previous complaint that i didn't see yeah and the message was i'm so sorry i i apologize for slagging off the sound quality on your podcast and the message above it was basically a couple of months ago someone sent a message saying why are you talking so slow i'm not gonna listen to a podcast anymore it was funny at first but now it's just annoying and like you what are you drawing drawing your voices two months later the person's message back bless them for messaging back saying uh i listened to other podcasts and the same thing was happening i realized i had me setting on slow yeah fucking message the message they didn't check the setting the message told you about it then stop listening to the podcast yeah that's up there with people you

know the people who send photos to like um asda and and sainsbury's and stuff saying this pizza came with no topping and then they're like oh shit i had it upside down oh yeah but in their defense they're stoned or pissed when they do that this person was fine but i don't understand why this person thinks that all of a sudden we would just start talking like this i love the idea that she went oh it's funny how they're doing that it's canny isn't it why that's really funny why have they started doing that that's canny innit that's really funny why have they started doing that it's not as funny

it's not as funny as when you talk normal that's what she actually put it's not as funny as when you talk normal how long is this podcast three and a half hours bloody hell

I mean you can't knock the content they're knocking out but I've got no time to listen to this but do you know what though honestly thank you for the apology

yeah because I didn't see the first message it would have really pissed us off to be? Honestly, thank you for the apology. Yeah. Because I didn't see the first message. It would have really pissed us off, to be honest. But then, thank you for the apology. So I appreciate that. Hey, you're owned up to your mistake in life. Listen, let's look at it this way.

They didn't like caravans. Now they like more at homes. You know what? They've admitted they're wrong. What a fantastic person. What? Hey. I'm not clapping that.

No, you are. You're talking about yourself. No, she's clapping as well. She's saying she's not, but she's clapping. You put me through years of hell. Years, you know. What, hey. Hey. I'm not clapping that. No, you are. You're talking about yourself. No, I'm just clapping as well. You're an arsehole. I'm just saying, I'm just nodding. You put me through years of, years, you know, years of hell. I'm still not, I'm still not getting a caravan. More homes are better.

Do you love it? I'm just a more at home guy now, as you say. It's just me saying. How much do you love it? So much. It's like, honestly, I'm, no word for lie, a little bit good.

I'm going to be in a house tomorrow night. A little bit good. Like, I'll just be like, what the fuck's this? Will you stop covertly recording us, man? I'm lying,

the band's in bed, Robin's in bed, they's in bed asleep in the mall at home and we're on the double bed and we're trying to have a little conversation you're bloody recording i've got i can't get a minute's peace it's like being in fucking the big brother house this i'm i'm absolutely sick of it no but i just want because i had a feeling that you were gonna come on the podcast and be like oh it's all right no no no. I owned up to my mistakes. It's weird that. It sounds like it's just weird like Blair Witch slash porn whispering.

I hate that. It freaks us out. I'm gonna be gonna be sleeping in the house. Well, I never said that. You've done that. No, you did. No, that's not like that. I said I liked it. I said I'm buzzing and then the recording stopped and you've used that deep fake. That's deep fake. I'm calling deep fake on that. Absolute bollocks

oh get in Russia Russia made that you got any Russian mates no oh well alright it was me then babadoo babadoo babadoo

it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef what's your beef I've just thought

what most people in other hotel rooms in this building would be thinking is going on here. They'd be thinking, hang on, is that Sma? Wow. I can't believe I was within 20 yards of a Rosie's mystery. It's like seeing a comet. See what I mean?

I saw a video of a comet on Twitter the other day, but I didn't know whether to believe it. Sorry? Just because. Why are you looking at us like that? Because when you say something like this, I'm always very excited about what the reasoning behind it's coming, so I always just let you roll.

I let you roll at one of these moments, because you normally, not always, but you normally tie yourself in knots, and it's quite fun to watch. But comets are real. Comets are real, yes. Comets are real, yes. Comets are real.

But then sometimes they can be confused with a UFO. And I'd just seen it, and they did say it was a comet, so then I thought, well, is it a comet or is it not a comet? Anyway, it's like a shooting star. It's all the same kind of... Right. Let's carry on to What's Your Beef? We spoke briefly about how last night we watched

Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? Yeah. And this is me beef with you because it brought up a lot of feelings why we don't watch them programmes. Right.

Because you are horrible to watch TV quizzes with. Right. Because you won't wait until the options come up of the answer and you'll just shout out

any bullshit that comes into your head. It's normally right. No, it's not. It is. It's not always right. No, because that's not fair. If you're going to play properly, if you're watching it and you want to play, if I'm

engrossed in it and I want to play the game properly, I don't need you shouting out random shit because then that puts little thoughts in my head of going, oh, well, maybe it is that. Right. I like to just have a clean slate and I like to go, I like to look at all the answers and go, right, okay, it's B, butterscotch. Right. But I don't like it's b butterscotch right but i don't like

that you just shout out random shit so then i know the answer you don't always don't you don't know the answer every time i did it last night i shouted the answer and i knew it no you didn't the four options came you didn't and speaking of butterscotch can we just say hypocrite when that question was on the question was something like what um what product became protected by the eu in 1980 or something like that was the question and you went butter and then the four options came up and none of them were butter but one of them was praline and you went praline so you can fuck off but i was there it was just no but i scotch was there not but anyway this is boring for people listening stop shouting it out i did it once you did it every single time

I do love a quiz show I'm surprisingly alright I'm surprisingly alright I've done okay on the quiz shows I've been on you have to be fair just stick to them

do you know what I mean listen professional quiz I'm not going to say oh god just in future do you know there actually is professional quizzes there's like quiz leagues and stuff

you know all the chases are like professional quizzes oh yeah yeah well what about me dad yeah oh your dad loves it your dad loves a pub quiz well me dad and all his mates go to the pub quiz every monday and they win nearly every week and by the end of the year they've got about 800 quid in the kitty and they'll

go for it they'll go for a good big you know christmas curry and a night out great man professional quizzer i've never won one time when i was younger when we were younger we went to county quiz um and it was just because it was cheap drinks it was when i was at college so i mean like all my friends used to go tuesday night tuesday night yeah and then b-side yeah yeah look at us having the same childhood just can't say childhood we're drinking and we're 18 it wasn't more than children i don't think i was 18 yet maybe 17 um so we used to go to the quiz every week and we'd lose every single week yeah but there was a there was a group of three blokes who used to stand at the bar yeah and um we once named our team the same name as them i think they're called rjs or something. Right. And we named ourselves their name.

And then when the guy doing the quiz read out, in last place, RGS, they were gutted. But they hadn't come first? Well, yes, they'd come first and last, because we'd come last. So the bloke just read it out, not realising the name. That's such a dickhead. But they were devastated.

It was hilarious. Look here, you're jealous. Look here, you've always been jealous of people who are clever. What's wrong with the shouting out the answers? Were they? Yeahresco. No, it was just funny. Chris, I was young and a bit, I was a bit of a dick when I was younger.

It was funny. When you were younger? No, when I was younger. Not anymore. But it was very funny. For that brief moment, and then we had to go, oh, we put our name as that. And they weren't very happy about it. They were professional quizzers.

Anyway. Well, there you go. What's your beef? Arsehole. Come on. Give us your beef, you prick. My beef with you this week is, I feel like they've done this on purpose.

We went away in our motorhome this week, obviously, last week. Had a lovely time. Sort of my job was like the outside stuff i put like the awning up and i'd like sorted all the stuff in the boot and everything out and you know change the chairs around and things like that you were very kindly uh doing like sort of cooking and stuff inside and me i was outside playing with rob and you'd be like it was really lovely because it was like the breakfast's ready and we'd like come back say we've gone back to the 50s it was

lovely right we're quite well. However, you, half a job, you, and I think you've done it on purpose, you've specifically picked a motorhome where you can't reach most of the cupboards. You can't reach most of the cupboards because you're tiny

and I have to come in from whatever I'm doing and get all the shit out the cupboards for you and it's well annoying. Okay, so your beef with me this week is that I'm short. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. It's that you're short and you haven't done anything about it. Excuse me? I'm not Stretch Flippin' Armstrong. Platform shoes. Oh, really? High heels. A little Crockett to stand on.

Maybe a motorhome that didn't have high storage. Just think ahead. It's not a holiday if every five minutes I've got to come in and help you out with your jobs after I've done my jobs. Sometimes while I'm doing my ahead. It's not a holiday if every five minutes I've got to come in and help you out with your jobs after I've done my jobs. Sometimes while I'm doing my jobs. I'll get a crocket.

I said I would. Get a bloody crocket. I can't believe that this is your beef because I'm short and I couldn't reach to the cup heads. It was half a holiday.

Get yourself going. Go and have a little chill with a beer. Chris, can you get the plate? Well, no. I would have, usually, normally,

I would have got a box or something to stand on. But you know, no. I would have, usually, normally, I would have, like, got a box or something to stand on. But, you know, seeing as I'm with child, didn't want to fall over. Oh, you've got a fucking answer for me. Oh, hey.

This is like, literally, just like, arguing with a politician, this. Sick of it. I'm proper milking this pregnancy, like,

am I being funny? Can't remember the last time I lifted some ink. Aye. I mean, just lifting it in a minute is a something I think she's lifting in the minute as a leg to fort and blooming that

on the baby you know sick of it oh the baby that gas oh the baby animal it's like living on a farm babadoo babadoo babadoo

it's time for this is Rosie's mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries, mysteries. Mysteries. E. Rosie. Well, I never knew that.

I didn't. You're kidding. I'm not. Oh, Jesus. No way. I'm not. Oh, Jesus. No way. Honestly. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries.

Rosie's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Welcome back to Rosie's Mysteries. I enjoyed your harmonising with yourself there. Thank you. That was very very very good very quick one today never this is just

it's a really quick little segment of the show I don't want it to take over the show even though I do think it has got legs and I think it could be a full thing

a full podcast yeah obviously but it's just a small thing but I do want to say thank you so much to all of the tweets and messages that we've got

of people saying Rosie loves alliteration why didn't you call it Rosie's riddles listen it's already gone it's gone to press it's all been done

the jingle's made it cost thousands I can't be changing it to Rosie's riddles even though you're absolutely right you're absolutely right if I found out

that that cost thousands I'll be absolutely fucking furious it did right Rosie's mysteries this week come on then I'm ready it's just true or false of course it is okay Absolutely fucking furious. It did. Right. Rosie's Mysteries. Okay. This week. Come on then.

I'm ready. It's just true or false? Of course it is. Okay. True or false? Right. There are 219 episodes of Friends. I'll repeat that.

True or false? There are 219 episodes of Friends. Friends is an American sitcom from the... True. 90s to the noughties. You're going to go with true? I'm going with true.

You're going with true. Is that your final answer? Final answer. Do you want to call a friend 50-50? Do you want to ask me? Because that's part of the thing now. So I'm going to ask you even though you've got the answer in front of you.

Yeah, you can ask me. Oh, no. Right. Can I just tell everyone, this is because we sat in the hotel last night and we had a takeaway. We had some food and we watched, we didn't want to watch Ozark with the food because it's a bit heavy. So beforehand, we just had Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on

and they've got the new bit now where they can ask the host, they can ask Jeremy Coxon. But you didn't realise in saying that now that he doesn't have the answer in front of him until they've said final new bit now where they can ask the host, you can ask Jeremy Coxon. But you didn't realise, in seeing that now, that he doesn't have the answer in front of him until they've said final answer. Yeah. Wow. So anyway, you can't ask me.

Take that back. Weird, the person who made the question. Of course I can't. That would be completely ridiculous. That would be just tell us the answer. True. True? Yeah.

Let's see if you're right. Well, I never knew that. Well, you did because you're right. It's true well done congratulations you've won a car what are that

it's outside is it yeah where how did you sort all this out it's on the drive we're in a hotel isn't it

sorry only when have you got a drive it's your fault just at the end there I didn't think that game would get any more disappointing but you managed yeah

yeah babadoo babadoo babadoo Just at the end there, I didn't think that game would get any more disappointing, but you managed. Yeah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now

to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. With the Q's and the Pew's and the Chews and the Mews and the Q's and the Pew's. And the Schmooze.

Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com. Again, little tiny shout out for just, sometimes there's just a nice little email there and it's really, really lovely. And you all say nice things at the beginning of the emails that we don't want to read out because it's a bit self-indulgent but thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the content you keep providing us with. shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com if you want to get in touch. Thank you.

I'm doing the questions this week. Yay! We've only got a week off. I'm always sort of intrigued as to what people are doing while they're listening to this. There's little moments while we're doing this podcast

and I think, I wonder what someone's doing. I've been sent a really strange one. It's not a question or anything. It's just a little, should you tell moments while we're doing this podcast and I think I wonder what someone's doing I've been sent a really strange one okay it's not a question or anything it's just a little should just tell me

what we're up to I think it's great hi guys I noticed there haven't been many I listen to the podcast when emails

sent in recently now this must be a thing on other podcasts I don't know if it is as you know I don't listen

to other podcasts well as you know the ones I listen to are about rape, murder and sexual assault. Yeah, yeah. Because he listens to true crime and walking into a dressing room while someone's describing a murder is lovely. Lovely. So, as you said, I've noticed there haven't been many I listen to when emails in the podcast recently. So, I thought this might be something random that two of you might like to know.

Okay. And I'll tell you what it is right my family has a duck egg business and i listen to your podcast while packing eggs oh that's canny it's canny but listen to this workload some days during the lockdown i would have had to pack about 120 dozen eggs what so i get through quite a few episodes i pack them into the egg cartons and load them into crates and then they're delivered into shops. Wow. Thank you for making my egg packing enjoyable.

I've never seen duck eggs in the shops. Do you know how many 120 dozen is? Do you know how many eggs that is? No. 1,440. How many ducks they got? Well, have I got one very amorous duck or a lot of ducks? I don't know.

Do I have to have sex? Slag. Slag duck. One slag. What a slag. Quack, quack. Oh, that's terrible. Here's a question.

So we have eggs all the time. There's just loads of eggs. How long are they pregnant for with eggs? Now, we're going to show our stupidity here and our ignorance because I don't know if they have to be, do they have to have sex to have the egg

or do they just keep knocking them out? I've got no idea. Isn't it a fertilised egg? Tom and Jerry, they're, you know. On the Tom and Jerry card

who they're knocking them out of the friend centre, aren't they? Well, this is what we watched as kids so you just think they can just have eggs all the time.

They must have to be fertilised although I don't know. But then they never have like a big stomach and the eggs come out massive. Have you ever looked at a chicken or a duck and thought, that's really, really fat, that one. No.

That is a fat duck. But if a dog or a kitten or an animal is pregnant, they've normally got a bit of a tummy on them. A kitten? Pregnant kitten? Well, cat, I mean. The kitten comes out. But do you know what I mean? They've normally got a pregnant belly, but with ducks?

I've never seen a pregnant duck. That's why they keep it under the water. They're clever. Yeah. No one would know you were pregnant if you were just walking around in waist-height water. I mean, is that a thing that can happen? I'd happily have that.

I'm at that awful stage of, I've still got me non-pregnancy knickers on. Right. But I've got a tummy, but I've also got a bit of fat as well so what's happening is my knickers are coming up to my belly button and digging in so i look like i've got like about three stomachs right okay so i've got a bit of a fat vagina so that's there and then then my stomach and then the pregnancy belly is a bit further up so you're at the fat or pregnant stage

i'm definitely at the fat or pregnant you're at the stage where no one would ever go, when's it due? They would just go, been enjoying their lockdown? Yes, exactly. No, I'm at that. Let's call it pregnant. I'm currently pregnant. 18 weeks pregnant. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Got another one here. Hello. Hello. I am a primary school teacher, and this is the story of the worst show and tell ever. Oh. Please keep me anonymous as if the parent listens she will be mortified right as a reception teacher i could see a group of children gathered around the drawers i asked what were they doing and they told me they were looking

at a little boy show and tell i asked them to put it away and we will share it at the end of the day. At the end of the day the little boy showed the whole class Mammy's back massager. I knew you were going to say that. I knew it was going to be a vibrator. And pulled from his book bag his mum's dildo. That's...

Mortified, myself and my TA teaching assistant swooped in but as none of us wanted to touch it, we had to pick it up with a plastic bag like dog shit. I mean, pick it up and wash your hands. For God's sake. However, gets better. However, he had turned it on,

and therefore it was vibrating away on my desk. Lovely. At the end of the day, I had to call the parent into the class for a word. This parent laughed at the other mums and muttered, What's he done now? When she entered the classroom, I closed the door and told her that her son had brought in her special back massager and pointed to the item vibrating in a plastic bag on my desk. So she didn't turn it off?

Oh my word. She looked mortified. She grabbed that item and ran out of the room. We couldn't look each other In the eye And the following week's Parents evening Was a very awkward affair Wow

So As Robin starts school In September Please always check What he sneaks into His book bag Oh he would definitely do that Oh 100%

He would definitely do that Have you ever Seen him playing With me tampons Oh Carnage Utter carnage New New tampons New Oh yeah Not used Just new Oh, carnage. Utter carnage.

New, new tampons. New. Oh yeah, not used, just new. He loves a bit of that. He gets stuff out of the bin and everything. He does that all the time. It's horrible. Kids are disgusting.

Absolutely disgusting. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Nice little segue here. Speaking of tampons... Oh, great. Love talking about tampons. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My boyfriend and I started listening to your podcast a few months ago after my sister recommended it.

We work together, so we listen to you guys on our drive to work. Lovely. We have just reached episode 43, and the question, would you put cream on your other half's bum? I can't even remember that. I do remember this, yeah. Reminded me, oh, cream is in ointment. Yes.

Right, I thought it meant men whip you i can't remember half the shit we've said no no like a medical cream right reminded me of the time i had pulled a muscle in my back so i couldn't walk sit down or go to the toilet etc on my own i ended up needing to use a wheelchair for a few weeks bloody hell must have been bad and my boyfriend was an absolute star looking after me putting me to bed bed, helping me in the shower, and much more. Yeah. Unfortunately, the timing of the injury was especially terrible as I had just started my period and could not go to the loo by myself.

I couldn't wipe myself, never mind put a tampon in. The day this happened, my boyfriend had got me comfortable on the loo, left the room to give me some privacy, and when I called him back in, he began getting me sorted when he realized i had started my period he very subtly looked out for a box of tampons read the instructions helped me up carefully inserted it before asking if it was comfortable and then he just went about his day as if nothing had happened holy shit would you not do that for me it says here my question is Chris would you do this for Rosie if she needed you to absolutely

fucking no chance you wouldn't no chance I'd get a beach towel I'd wrap it around you like a nappy I'd put a fucking pin a safety pin on the side and I'd let you go about your day I mean you'd just use a pad no I wouldn't even do that.

You wouldn't put a clean sanitary towel in my knicker. You wouldn't stick it to the inside of my knickers for me. Oh, is that how they work? Yes. Yeah, I'd stick it to the inside of your knickers. But then do I have to put your knickers on? Because you've got bad back. You just need to pull them up.

Forget it. Forget it. Oh, don't even. This is such rubbish. Listeners, just you guys now, this is the same man when I was pregnant, you wiped my bum. I did.

In labour, you wiped me front to back more than once. So don't you dare. You liar. And to empty your toilet on the motorhome holiday, so there you go. Exactly. I definitely wouldn't put a tampon up though. Not a chance.

How has he done that? He's done that before. I'd find that. He's nailed that in one. See, my thing is, I'm all right for you putting a tampon in for me. Why? What are you trying to say? Just, it's really...

Hey, hey, is this reverse psychology? Because it's working. Get your tampons. I'm pregnant. It'll be dry as sticks. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's horrible up there. No, I just...

The angle's got to be right. It takes years of practice. No, it is sweet, but yeah. I'm going to say right now, it's not sweet, it's weird. Thanks for your email, though. They're not even married. That's boyfriend and girlfriend. Not that I say that in a terrible way,

but I don't know why just in our personal opinion everything goes a bit downhill after marriage. Once you have that date it's all out the window. Once they've started they've started here. What are they going to

Yeah they've gone. You can't go any lower. The only way is up. Hey. Which is also what he was singing while he was putting the tampon in. How do I do this? The only way is up

Baby Hi Rosie and Chris When I was 14 I went to visit my aunties and cousins For a little holiday One morning I felt a bit iffy But not enough to believe I was ill I went to the bathroom

Is this a poo story? No, stop it I've got some of them no i don't want any i've already talked about somebody putting their girlfriend's tampon in that wasn't a rude story that was love and affection and companionship i don't know why you made that rude disgusting come on when i was 14 i went to visit my aunties and cousins for a little holiday. One morning I felt a bit iffy, but not enough to believe I was actually ill. I went to the bathroom, brackets number one, C, C. Okay, just pedals.

And still felt a little off. I sat there a while and then I decided to get up. I went to flush the toilet and I was mortified. Down the toilet were what I thought were little white eggs. Oh, what? I wasn't very clued up on periods and female biology by that point in life and I believed that I had lost all of my eggs, brackets ovaries. What? What's happening?

I was distraught. Right. She was 14, she went to the toilet, she looked down, she'd seen white eggs in the toilet. She's literally right in here. She was 14 and she thought her ovaries had fallen out. Oh, okay. 14 years old, I thought thought i was never gonna be able to have babies i sat on the floor in horror wondering how i was going to tell anyone i couldn't bring myself to

tell my auntie and i figured i would tell my mum when i got home anyway cut to 24 hours later and the next morning my little cousins were having breakfast when they finished my auntie cleaned up and that's when reality hit me. My auntie had been throwing the leftover breakfast down the toilet rather than the sink. So my so-called eggs were actually just leftover Rice Krispies from the kids' breakfast. Isn't that a rollercoaster?

Wasn't that intense? I mean, my mind went everywhere. I was like, there's a frog living in the toilet. It's frog spawn. Yes, yes. It is. When I read this yesterday, I didn't know what was going on. Didn't know what was going on.

Why did you put it down the toilet? That's my first question. Why are you throwing your fucking food down the toilet? That's so weird. That is so weird. People put all sorts down the toilet, man, Chris. People, you know how you go on about recycling? Yeah.

I'm really clued up on what to not and what to put down the toilet only pee and poo go down the loo that's what duane pipes is what what a ridiculous thing to brag about what do you mean you literally put your you put your elbow on the table and you pointed across at me and you said listen i might not know recycling but i'm really clued up on what does and doesn't go down the toilet. I am, I am. And then you know what you named? You named the two things

that go down the toilet. Yep. And then some paper as well. Pee, paper and poo go down the loo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what Dwayne Pipe says from Northumbria Warner.

Ask us some things and I'll tell you whether you can put them down the toilet or not. Fuck me. Ready? Come on. Rice krispies. No.

Pasta sauce. Absolutely not. A bowling ball. On your bike. Kitchen roll no no tissue paper yes triple ply tissue paper don't buy triple ply handy wipes no try to get you there with the handy wipes bathroom bum wipes no flushable bathroom bum wipes no not really still a little bit, you know. Still a grey area in it. Well, I remember years ago when I worked in a nursery and I overheard one of the mums saying

that she'd flush the nappies down the toilet. That's madness. And I had to say something. I had to say something. That, a nappy? A nappy. That is madness. Yeah, just, people aren't,

it's like Sandra with the scissors in the recycling, you know what I mean? People are not clued up on this. Don't be's like sandra with the scissors in the recycling you know what i mean people are not clued up on this don't be putting nappies down the toilet i've asked talk about this on the podcast there's a guy there's a guy who comes to some of the gigs in the northeast um comes to a lot of gigs that mean that various comedians do oh come on who i was gonna say jason coon carl hudson obviously um and uh basically the uh he works in the sewers it's his job and someone was doing

a routine once about flushable wipes was it me talking about was it someone telling us I think we were talking about how I spray my bum in the shower every time I'm in the toilet

and someone said oh use the flushable wipes and he literally he's massive bloke and he literally just screamed he was like they're not flushable and we were like mate

and he was raging about it apparently they find loads of them. They clog up everything down there. Yeah. So there you go. It's amazing, though. The stuff, like, she was 14, and she thought her eggs had fallen out.

It's amazing the stuff you believe when you're that old. Oh, totally. Yeah. Totally. First time I ever tried smoking was, me nana had a cottage. I thought you were going to say

me nana had a tabas then. Get the couple off that, nana. No, no. Me nana, I don't even know if my mum knows this. Sorry, mum. Oh, God. First time I ever tried smoking was in my nana's, the field opposite my nana's cottage.

Oh, shit. And me and Nina, my cousin, Oh, God. Bad influence. Stole one of my nana's tabs, tabs, and tried smoking, but I didn't inhale it. But then I got told by someone at school that when you don't inhale it, you get mouth cancer.

So I was convinced I had mouth cancer for a little while. That it was just there forever. He's like, I did that and I didn't. I didn't inhale it, so I'm going to get mouth cancer. Yeah, but good times. I still remember, I think Nina listens to this as well. Nina, that was a good tab. That's ridiculous.

I thought you were going to say it was terrible, a Nina comedy. E. Nina, wasn't that in that backfield, back in me Nana's college, wasn't that a good tab? Good tab. I still remember the smell. Kate didn't come.

Kate's a goody two-shoe. She wouldn't come. It's like, can you imagine if smoking wasn't so frowned upon? That's kind of, I imagine that would be an advertising, a marketing campaign that would do, do you remember your last good tab? What was your good tab? Email in to Lambat and Butler.

Good tabs for all the families. Yeah, Kate didn't come Kate wouldn't come she was such a ah honestly she was so good never tried smoking

did you not didn't drink until she was like 17 which is you know pretty old where we come from basically a grandparent where we're from

but yeah yeah good tabs good blah it was a good tab. Don't be tight on the white. Scummiest thing you've ever said in your life was that was a good tab.

I'm ashamed of you. Utterly ashamed of you. Sorry, mum. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So we've been having a lot of hot weather recently. People have been out in the gardens. And Rosie,

I know you're an absolute, absolute diehard dog lover. Really not. You're going to love this. Really not. You're going to love this. Really not. You are going to love this. Okay. Don't mind them.

Don't want one, though. Hi, Chris and Rosie. We've got a story that we think will make you laugh. Okay. My partner and I don't mind dogs. In fact, we prefer them to cats. But our neighbours have a puppy, and it is driving us crazy.

Here's why. Okay. Every day, sometimes even two or three times a day, the dog is going for a poo. Brackets which begs the question, what are they feeding it? On their property in the bushes is where it's having the poo, which is right beside our bedroom that opens onto our deck. This is driving us crazy.

Every time we, and I've never thought of this, every time we sit to go outside and enjoy the sun or even open the window to get fresh air, brackets, it's currently 30 degrees, we are met with the potent smell of dog poo. Oh, no. And it has become the only thing we can smell outside, let alone the flies that it attracts.

That's manky. Yuck. That's manky. Well, surely they've said something. I mean, I thought the rule was even in your own garden you pick up the dog poo don't you

of course well you would think so so it's going in the bushes and they're just leaving it in the bushes that's disgusting well there might be a part of them

that thinks it'll fertilise the soil or whatever but if it's next to your deck you're literally sitting on a deck chair with a little glass

of lemonade and there's just hot dog shit behind you like through a fence with gaps in it that is the worst that's horrific

that is really again never the dog's fault always the owner pick that up that's minging but surely they can smell it as well yeah but

sometimes people get nosebleed but it might be at the bottom of their garden if we had a dog and it was pooing in the bushes at the bottom of our garden we wouldn't give two shits

about that smell or it would be on the other side that it's upsetting. Of course. So if it goes, say, there's conifer bushes and then a bit of soil, then the fence, then their deck. And if the dog shit me on there, they're thinking, well, why would I crawl into the conifers and grab it? I can understand it.

I feel like you can knock on their door. I would. I feel like you wouldn't be within your... I don't think you'd be the worst neighbour in the world to go, look, I'm really sorry, but can you pick the dog shit up because our deck's there and we'll literally open the bedroom window

and the dog shit's coming in and the flies yeah that's awful they've come up with an interesting question right it got us thinking

about this question would you rather hear dogs barking all the time or be able to smell dog poo for the rest of your life bargain I didn't think that would take you long.

Bargain. You know what I'm like with smells. Yeah, yeah. So just constant bargain. Like you've got headphones on with a CD of dog barking playing constantly. Or smell shit. Or smell dog poo all the time.

What would you want? That's hard. Because there's a certain place where we live when they do the fields and that i can't even go there that day yeah because it smells that bad yeah i don't know chris that's just all day all day every day so it's just quite now listen your headphones shut your eyes right so it's just just in your ears non-stop all day so if like you go to me

Chris do you want a cuppa and I'm like yeah you've got to go what what Nod I can't hear you for the dog barking

you're making this worse and worse and worse well I'm loud I'm allowed you just said a little bit of barking you didn't say all day barking

Nod says would you rather hear dogs barking all the time so you can constantly hear them barking non-stop or the smell of shit

or you can smell dog poo for the rest of your life I think you'd get probably annoyingly you'd get more used to the smell than shit or you can smell dog poo for the rest of your life I think you'd get probably annoyingly you'd get more used to the smell than you would the bargain

yeah and you could cancel out the smell by you could like stick a little air freshener on your nose on your nose or like having one of them trees

or Vicks Vicks Vicks Vaporub I'd put that on my nose like when they go to see a dead body and like true detective or something and they wipe that stuff on there yeah smelling salts and stuff

right okay, yeah, I'd smell shit. I did not think I'd be able to get you. I know, neither did I. Honestly, I feel like I deserve some kind of medal. You don't,

but you can't. Fair enough. You can't get the bark and wood drive us insane whereas the smell would just make us feel a bit Puell-y.

Yeah, okay, right. Good, well, I'll get on the phone and get that sorted out for you. Great, come on. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Really quick one here, just off the back of a would-you-rather. I love these would-you-rathers. This is a really interesting one that I've never, ever seen before. Yeah.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Would you rather look 10 years older from the neck up or the neck down? Oh. Isn't that great right okay so you're gonna look 10 years older from the neck up or the neck down which one do you want neck up neck up nobody likes old legs although 10 years i'm only gonna be 43 I'll still look banging Yeah It should have been That should have been 50 years

50 years Well just Yeah because 10 years Isn't that different I'll do I'll just put your Sort of make up on there You ready

Would you rather look 30 years older From the neck up Or the neck down Right okay the neck up Yeah So you'd rather have An older face

I'd rather have an old face Yeah Than an old body Although No yeah How often do you get Your body out Every day Look Here today yeah so you'd rather have an older face i'd rather have an old face yeah than an old body although no yeah how often do you get your body out every day look here today you can see me arms you can see my legs i've got a skirt on a dress but my face i can put makeup on i could possibly get a little little tox no no no no no not allowed not allowed no no these are the rules i've stipulated you're not allowed not allowed to get any sort of plastic surgery or anything like that not allowed to do

anything to your top lip either because that's where I'm keeping the dog shit that you can smell all day I'm still choosing face up

I've got good genes face masks now anyway so you'll be alright I know just go to shops all the time

no one will know what about you what would I want probably neck down really yeah probably neck down because I've seen some I've seen what would I want? Probably neck down. Really? Yeah, probably neck down. Because I've seen some,

again, back at the motorhome, I saw some blokes walking around with their tops off and I thought, do you know what? You're easily 10, 20 years older than me and you look arid. You look good. I just have to start putting some effort in. Why am I just thinking of like the woman from There's Something About Mary?

Magda. My mum looks amazing yeah so no maybe is it yeah i don't know i'm just that's what i'm thinking of i'm thinking of like 80 year olds with like really veiny legs and stuff but that's okay i don't know but don't but it'll keep going so in 10, one part of your body will still look 10 years older than the other one. Or 20 years or 30 years or whatever we picked. So when you're 80, the bit you've chose

will look 110. Wow. Just me face. That's fine. Yeah. Although when I'm 80, I won't care. Maybe I want to change my mind.

Geez. No, no, you've done it. I've sent it off. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're coming around. Oh, nice. So keep your schedule for this afternoon. the dog ship people are coming and then the

maybe when you eat i'll just get you an astronaut helmet away around the house yes please that'll be nice we will be by then so we've slagged dogs off a little bit here and i feel like it's only fair that cats get a going over also oh great okay so hi rosie and chris please keep me anonymous i have a disgusting story that happened to one of my oldest friends about 10 years ago he was back living at his mom's house in that weird time between finishing university and getting a real job one night my friend had been asleep for hours when the family cat brought him a gift that he'd hunted like cats sometimes do dead mouse can i well can i first of all say carl hudgenson friend of the podcast is

he said to me just in conversation randomly that day he texted us like he texted something like seven in the morning i was like you're not up at this time i was like what are you doing up he's like oh the cat's in there bringing his dead stuff she's killed outside phase so she woke him up with like a bird or something i was like and he just dropped in the conversation i was like that's madness horrible madness people still love them though imagine if your kid brought home a dead rat you'd think you'd take them to a hospital but yeah no i'm gonna pay money and buy this creature that lives in my house and i have to feed and that doesn't really care about us and just pisses off to everyone else's house and then brings his dead stuff.

Am I right? Am I right for a cat like? Really annoying, Rosie, because after the shit people and the face people come and the cat people come this afternoon as well, they give you a cat. So you've got a chocolate block. Schedule's chocolate block. cat so you've got a chocolate schedule's chocolate block now he woke up to find the cat sitting on his chest looking happy as larry with an oblong black shape in front of him my friend was half asleep and he touched the gift from the cat stop calling it a gift from the cat to try and work out what it was awful it was made of material so thankfully not a living creature like a mouse

or a bird but he couldn't work out what it, and the only light in the room was far enough away that he would have to get out of bed and walk across a room to turn it on. Being a lazy sod, my friend tried to work out what the gift was in the pitch black darkness. He couldn't work out from touching it, and it was already on his upper bare chest. So he tilted his

head forward and gave it a little sniff. The smell was so overwhelming that he said he felt compelled to give it another few deep sniffs, just because he'd never smelled anything so bad in his life. He described it as fresh poo mixed with bin juice mixed with something revolting he couldn't quite

place. What is it? My friend was awake enough now to be completely freaked out, so he got out of bed and turned the light on, only to discover to his horror that he had just been sniffing a used sanitary towel that the cat must have got out of someone's bin my god oh god i'm sorry oh my god i'm sorry but no oh my in the middle of the night in the darkness and he's had a like i can only equate to this you know a few weeks a few weeks ago when robin had the nosebleed in the middle of the night and i could see like

the red on his cushion and i was like what is that and i like touched it and sniffed it if i touch and sniff something in the night and it turned out to be a sanitary towel that the cat had brought in a stranger's a stranger's sanitary towel well it gets better a stranger's yeah i would be in me and that cat would be in the shower in the middle of the night. The cat would be clawing the fucking life out of us and I'd be spraying it down with the shower. Would you not give it back? What, the cat? What if Robin went to a stranger's bin

and brought you a used sanitary towel in the middle of the night? Yeah, but the difference is I can reason with Robin. I can go, never do that again. Do you see this, Robin? Do you see this Lego that I built for the other day? Do you see it going on the fire?

That's because you brought that towel. Don't you ever do that. Watch Mario melt. Watch Lego Mario melt in the fire. Stop crying. Stop crying. Don't ever do that again. Do you know what I mean?

Bit harsh, that. But that's how much I'd be upset. I just don't... See, this is the thing, right? I don't want to upset anyone because I know that people love cats and dogs and I know that people love animals and I genuinely never want any harm to come to an animal.

Oh, absolutely. Love them would never harm them. We'll probably end up getting one one day, because I think Robin is desperate for a cat and a dog. It's my retirement plan. But I just don't understand the disgusting part of it. I was out and about the other day. I think I was at the supermarket,

and I watched somebody put their dog in the boot of their car. Before they put them in, they wiped. There was three dogs, and they watched somebody put their dog in the boot of their car before they put them in. They wiped, there was three dogs and they wiped all of their arses with wet wipes. And I just thought... That's brilliant! It is brilliant, but at the same time, I don't want to have to do that to a creature

for the rest of its life. They don't grow out of it. So you want shit on your car seats then? No, but like kids and that, you do that at the beginning and then they end up doing it themselves they're gonna have to do that forever with them dogs i get you i'm just tired for it i'm honestly right but i i love them i do love other people's when i go like to my friend's house we've got dogs and cats i'm all over them and like i really like them but i just i just don't want i just don't understand that it's the

whole the old baby thing i think so yeah and i just don't understand that. Hand them back when they've had a shit. It's the whole baby thing of handing them back when they've had a shit. I think so, yeah, and I just don't understand that. Oh, brought a dead rat this morning. Nice, great. Did that not ruin your day? Because that would ruin my day. Why are you not still crying about that? Does that not traumatise you? But that's just a normal thing.

Here's the end of the story, right? The next day, my friend felt compelled to know if the sanitary towel belonged to his mum, because he was completely convinced that he might have taken some good deep whiffs of his mother's, you know. Oh, you didn't need to read that bit out. It wasn't.

I just want you to know it wasn't. His mum didn't use them. It was a happy ending. Luckily for him, she said she did not use sanitary towels. Well, she'll probably not have a period anymore. Well, apparently her boyfriend just pops tampons up for her. I'm not letting you do the questions again

this week's been this is horrific there was some nice ones hey hey we had the duck eggs we had some nice little moments in there

are you sure yeah are you are you arid I am they've all involved vaginas it's just whatever

catches me fancy at the time babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo speaking of catching me fancy this email here this email was called i don't normally look at the title of the email i just randomly click and see what but this one caught me eye this email was called and i quote all capitals i don't believe in the tine tunnel right so that caught me attention okay so if any southern listeners are listeners around the country around the world even uh the tyne tunnel is basically just a tunnel for cars that goes under the tyne river

much like the mersey tunnel or the channel tunnel or any of the ones that go under the the thames um but this guy from north to south south to north yeah yeah it's the a19 yeah yeah and it's just yeah straight under uh and this is a lady this This is Emily. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hope you're both well and congrats on the baby news. Thank you. Thank you. I'm from Newcastle, and when I was a little kid, my mum and dad used to visit family in Sunderland regularly,

north to south. I used to love going through the Tyne Tunnel because I couldn't wrap my head around the engineering of it. So I always used to think it was a magic tunnel. As I got older, however, I still couldn't understand how the tunnel goes underneath the river. And yet, at both entrances to the tunnel, all capitals and bold here, the river is nowhere to be seen!

It's really not. It's not, actually. That's true. To this day, brackets I'm now 31, I still find this extremely perplexing and don't fully understand it. Part of me still thinks that the tunnel is some sort of magic wormhole rather than an underground concrete tube my question is are there any normal things that you still don't quite understand as an adult lots of love emily from gosforth okay well just quickly emily what you need to do is you need to go through it with your sat nav on because you can see because i genuinely thought the same yeah whenever i was a kid i was

like well where's the river yeah like when you go over a bridge you see the water yeah and my mom's like well we're under it now and she'd get you'd get halfway she'd go we're under the river now and i go well where the hell was the river when we started like you're right she's completely bang on yeah it's very confusing do you know i used to think the tunnel went through the middle of the water like uh like in the like in an aquarium. I didn't know it went under the ground. That would have been nice. I thought it went through the middle of the water, and I always used to think,

what if a ship goes past and hits it? So it goes under the ground. It goes right under. Right under the ground, under the riverbed, under there, yeah. That makes more sense. But tell her to go have a sat-nav on,

because you can see from the sat-nav. She's listening, you can tell her. Okay, Emily, put your sat-nav on, or whatever. You keep flustered. No, no, sorry, but you can see that you actually go in and then you do like,

you don't realise it because you're in the tunnel, but you do a bit of a circle. You do a turn, don't you? And then it takes you to the river, which is like not there. Emily, you know what's really going to blow your mind? The pedestrian tunnel. Never been in it.

Get yourself to Jarrow. Get yourself to Jarrow, pedestrian tunnel. You can see the river. You go in, you go down the lift or you go down the escalators, you go in. I'll tell you why I loverow pedestrian tunnel you can see the river you go in you go down the lift or you go down the escalators go in there's a tell you why i love the pedestrian tunnel left side bikes right side pedestrians i go through on my bike dead fast it's air conditioned you feel like you're going really fast is it air conditioned fucking freezing in there wow fly through on my bike love it bike guy and yeah that that'll blow your mind right that'll blow your mind what

was the question again the question was what normal things do you still not quite understand as an adult i'll tell you straight off the bat uh babies what babies being born still can't get my head around it blows my mind that there's a baby in your stomach now i know blows my fucking mind it's very clever isn't it if they came out at some point and just went by the way this is a massive hoax babies are just made in laboratories and what we do is we just kind of like give you like a drug when you think you're pregnant to just like inflate you and then you come in all we do is we'll give you hallucinating drugs you think it's all happened but we've actually just deflated you and given you a baby we've made i'd go i get it yeah i go that's more plausible than a vagina opening and a baby flying crazy isn't it madness isn't it funny how the vagina just like genuinely really

opens like 10 it's not funny it's. It's terrifying. It's not funny. It's terrifying. Tense madness. It's great, man. Crazy. No. I've gone all funny. We're not having none of that this time. No. Well, you tried last time, didn't you?

I tried. Your vagina was having absolutely none of it. No. Lips are sealed. Like a little mouse's ear it was. Going, nothing coming through this tunnel.

Like the Tine Tunnel. It's not real. No, I went 18 hours in labour and yeah but luckily Robin was massive

so I had an emergency C-section and I think he would have tore my vagina in half can we stop this right now

how do you get from the Tyne Tunnel to that you're an animal well you know people's vaginas actually if you are a bit of a slag

in the North East, your vagina is often compared to the Tine Tunnel. We've just got such a rich culture up here, haven't we? What is it? It's like hoeing a boomerang down the Tine Tunnel. Jesus Christ. So there you go. Visit the North East. And the pedestrian tunnel.

Right, okay. I I mean that's still You can still I mean I can still Fit in there on my bike Well you know Five centimetres I did I did go five centimetres So I did stretch a little bit

Stop I have been stretched before Stop it Yeah Stop it But in the miracle of birth I'm just booked in now Aren't I

Booked in for a season Gonna get me date Apparently I just go in Like I've never heard of it I know yeah It's gonna be It's gonna be wonderful Can't wait actually I'm going to get my date. Apparently I'll just go in. Like having a haircut. I know, yeah. It's going to be wonderful. Can't wait. Actually, I'm really looking forward to this time.

Yeah? I was chitting my pants last time. So weird. But this is going to be great. As a man, I'll never understand that. I'm really looking forward to going in and having my stomach cut open and having a human pulled out of it.

Oh, yeah. It's horrific, actually. Can't wait, she says. Madness. No, because the lumen pressure and the just unknown of your first child in labour is, it's really scary. But I actually quite enjoyed it, didn't I?

Weirdly, I quite enjoyed labour. Again, mad sentence. Because it's just, it's empowering. I was there and I was crying and I wasn't in labour. It was horrible. If you think I'm wiping you again, you can think again. Forget it. Oh, please. No, no, no wiping you again, you can think again. Forget it. Oh, please.

No, no, no. Oh, please. Oh, no, come on. Nah, no. I'm going to email that first person back and see if their boyfriend's up for it, because he seems like a bloody... He seems like he knows what he's doing.

He'll come and wipe us after me section. Nose his way around. I bet he's got one of them little, you know, the little skateboard things that mechanics slide under cars on. Oh, get in. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Episode 77, done and dusted. Thank you so much for listening. The bag.

Once again, you've been listening to Shagmire Denied, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you. Yes, indeed. Thank you very much, guys. As always, if you want to get in touch, shagmiredenied at gmail.com and 3rd of September, the book's out. It's out. We've got physical copies in the house

and we are using them to build towers and have a little fun. But it can be read on the 3rd of September. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece. in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.