Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 78. Magnety

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

On the podcast this week the couple discuss Robin's latest behaviour, Chris' week in London and an unfortunate bike accident. Rosie's Mysteries returns alongside some familiar beef and some bizarre QFTP's. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello friends, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who's looking at us a bit weird because I added friends in.

That's a freak me, right? All that, honestly. I've gone up like, you know, when a dog, he has a noise, but it's not sure. It's just like, look, I was about to do the, you know, when they go, and it's not a prop out, it's not a prop, a bark, their ears go up and they go. I was about to do that.

I didn't like that at all. Well, you are our friends. Yeah, but why, why you added friends? Because I wanted to, anyway. You've been listening to Joe Rogan. He says friends. Does he? are our friends. Yeah, but why are you added friends? Because I wanted to, anyway. You've been listening to Joe Rogan, he says friends. Does he? Hello, friends. I've never listened to Joe Rogan, actually,

but I've heard he's very good. Sexist. Well, it's not because he's a man. Not enough murder in it for you, Rosie. It's all you listen to, honestly. I'm currently listening, just to advertise another podcast on our podcast. Whoa, whoa, whoa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'm currently listening to an ITV documentary of a podcast called No Strings Attached. Listening to an ITV documentary of a podcast said no one ever. It's very good. Listen, guys, obviously we're joking. There aren't any other podcasts. There's just this one. We are the only one in the world.

And it's so nice that you choose to listen to the only podcast in the world, which is this one. And hey, this one is on its 78th episode. Wow. This is episode 78. What are we going to do when we get to 100? Someone said do a video one, but I don't know. We could, you know. Do you know what it is? We could, but I don't know what our sponsorship deal

is. I don't know if we'd be allowed. We might be allowed. I'm not sure. If we're allowed, let's try and make that happen because that would be quite cool that'd be cool to be fair can i drink by then no when is it uh oh i don't know if we take a couple weeks off for christmas yeah you're able to drink by then amazing yeah right okay okay oh do you think we'll take podcast maternity leave depends because i could do it pregnant yeah but I'll need some They'd be aggressive though Oh yeah That's all it is

I mean there's been Yeah We've got to get them We've had every level of you We've had just found out You're pregnant Can't drink We've had lockdown Rosie

We've had 4pm wine time We'll get the whole lot I know All the emotions So that could be quite funny What's that film With the balls Inside out

Like them You're all of the emotions You're all for the little I do like that film You're balls inside out like them you're all of the emotions you're all for the little I do like that film you're never the nice one excuse me guys it is before I get told off

it is episode 78 as always thank you so much for liking and subscribing and rating and please continue to do that it's so nice to see and lovely to hear

and before we go any further, it is obviously time to pay the bills. Pay these bills. Keep the roof over their head. Keep the electricity on with this week's lucrative, lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Now listen, this week's sponsor, right?

I've been in touch with these guys for a while. I have, you know. We're going back and forth trying to make it work, you know, trying to find some time. Imagine every friend, is it? Ballpark figures,. I mean, we're going back and forth trying to make it work, you know, trying to find some time. Imaginary friends, is it? You know, ballpark figures, touching base, there are people talking to my people, all that wanky phrases like that,

that I can't think of off the top of my head. You know, chatting the shit, shooting the breeze. Don't think anyone says that in an office environment. LinkedIn, join me LinkedIn profile. Join, yeah. Yeah, all of them. Hate, makes us feel sick. No, honestly,

he does hate all that shit. So, this week's sponsor, guys, it's the long forgotten thing. It's the long forgotten friend. You've all got this thing. You've all got it.

It might be in your drawer now. Yeah? You take it for granted. I'm here to tell you it needs more praise. It needs some love. This week's sponsor is Tin Openers. Tin Openers.

Hey. Hey. Take it for granted. It's in your drawer. You ever tried to open a tin without one? It's fucking impossible. Is this because I was broke? This is because I was broke now and I just had to open a tin without it.

It's a fucking nightmare. Thankfully, so we didn't have one when we had our bungalow. We had the One Story Glory. Big love. Yeah. RIP.

One Story Glory. Why didn't we have one? Don't know. And I got, you were like, Branson beans are better. So I got Branson beans but you got to open them with a tin opener. Didn.p one story why didn't i have one don't know and i got you you were like branson beans are better so i got branson beans but you've got to open them with a tin opener didn't have one where did i go garage with a hammer and a screwdriver how long did i take fucking ages what did i do cut my finger what else did i do got bean juice on my jeans and shoes

it was a nightmare honestly try opening a tin opener on fucking nightmare yeah it's horrible try my tin without one sorry you forget. Yeah, it's horrible. Trying to open a tin without one, sorry. Nightmare. You forget how lucky you are really. Exactly. When your tin opener breaks. Every time you... Guys, I'm here to tell you from the guys at tin opener.

The guys at tin opener. There's only one. Listen, right? Every time you use that bad lad, you check it's working. You make sure you look after it.

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Oh, jeez. Go to tinopeners.co.uk My nanny used to have an electric one. Whoa! Someone's doing alright, Lord! I know, I know, I know. Electric one. No, it was shit. It was shit. You'd put it in, it would like, one. No, it was shit. It was shit. You'd put it in, it would like,

it would magnetically... Right, episode 100 has to be video because what I just saw there, what I just saw there was so beautiful it was you you put your hand up like that you put a hand flag guys right as if she was patting a little dog on the table and she looked at us with genuine terror and fear in her eyes as she just said magnetic magnetic what's the word what do you call it? Magnetized. Magnetized. Magnetic-y. Well, anyway, you put your tin of tuna in,

it would magnetize to the magnet. I don't know that. It was magnetic. It was magnetic. Yeah, okay. And then it would spin around and open it for you. I wish I never bothered. I don't because honestly, i'm not this silly in life right it's just when we get in front of this mic and my brain goes no no no no no no i know this is the longest in whoever but i'm gonna have

to i'm gonna have to call up yesterday we were in ikea and you we were in ikea yesterday and you stood next to a big massive massive box of stuff and you looked above the box of stuff and hanging in the air was one of them like octopus plastic octopus things that you put your your knickers and your underpants on with the pegs on it's not an octopus but you know what i mean it's got like different arms and stuff you looked up at it and you went oh we need one of them where do you think they are and you were standing next to a box of i'm not exaggerating there must have been 70 of them in the box and they are and you were standing next to a box of i'm not exaggerating there must have been 70 of them in the box and i went are you joking and you went we do need one

i went not that you've asked where they are and they were literally no word of lie they were less than a centimeter away from you i think i was leaning on i think you were holding one i think i had one in me hand oh yeah yeah i don't know what's going on at the minute. Anyway, are you done? Yeah, you've got one more thing to say. What? See if you can say it properly. Magnetise? Jesus, come on man. Yes, the jingle. Yes, the jingle.

Oh, it's going to be a good one this week guys. Oh god. Had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to Shagmire and Annoyed.

Can't believe we're on episode 78. Yeah. Well done. Well done. Well done. Very well done. What have we been up to? What have we been up to? I did the one show last week,

so I was down in London. Mm-hmm. Basically a holiday. Stayed up late, got Deliveroo, sat in my pants all day. Had a lovely little time, didn't you?

Eh, yeah. It was all right. The best bit was I had air con. I didn't mention it. I wanted to mention it on the one show as a joke, but people get very upset and email in. But basically, it was hot as anything in London.

It was like 35 degrees, but I had air con. Do you remember? We went to sleep. A little bit too cold, wasn't it? I mean, don't say that. I said it the next day in the meeting. It was. I said it that day in the meeting.

They were all sitting there. They were going, it's plumb and boiling. Alex, bless her, was going, I couldn't sleep. I've had no sleep. Oh, God. And I went, yeah, it's a bit too cold, if anything. And they were all like, oh, you're such a dick. And I could have won at that, but I went further.

So one of the big bosses, he was sitting there, and he went, oh, look at these on my arms. And he had, like, little red marks. He was like, look at these. It's so hot. There's, like, mosquitoes or midges or something. Look at these. I've got bites these I've got bites

I've got bites I went hey the only bites I'm getting is the bloody frostbite off this aircon they didn't even laugh no I wouldn't have laughed at you either

because it's torture when you're hot yeah they were raging you didn't do Alex's accent I'm a bit upset I didn't want to no I like it when you do her accent

because you do it really well sometimes I do and sometimes I ruin it and this is a recorded medium do you know what I mean I can do it I can just do it again if we're in the house

but now you've made it sound like I take the mick out of her I just really like her you like her she's lovely she's great she's great to work with

but I got a taxi to Newcastle station the taxi driver he went there I said oh you knew us and he was like what are you up to doing

I was like I'm going to go to the one show he went who are you doing with I went oh so I'll be like the guest host for the week and Alex Jones is the main host and he went? I was like, I'm going to go into the one show. He went, who are you doing with? I went, oh, so I'll be like the guest host for the week.

And Alex Jones is the main host. And he genuinely, I was a little bit scared. He like went, oh. And I thought he was going to say, I hate her. The way he said it, I thought he was going to say, I can't stand her. He went, oh, I love her voice. And I was like, okay.

And then he just like, yeah, I left it at that. And he went, no, I do. I love her voice it is a love the Welsh accent's lovely I could listen to her talk for hours I went

alright put your pants back on he didn't have he had his pants on I'm joking I think the Geordie accent and the Welsh accent quite similar

because it's like sing-songy isn't it yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean yeah I know what you mean you know what I mean can't even do it

there was something was said and one of the bosses came in and said, all right guys, last minute thing and Alex was like, oh, what the fuck now?

It was just, oh, what the fuck now? It's just nice. I told her many a time she's wasted before the watershed. Very, very funny. Got some very, very funny stories. Get her on a panel show

after nine o'clock. You'll hear some great stuff. Yeah. Definitely. Go for it. So, very sad day on Sunday why? very sad day

Sunday just gone bike guy went out on my bike oh is this when you fell off your bike? fell off my bike didn't I? fell off my bike

was that the first accident you've had? proper first accident yeah blood running down my leg people screaming children crying

do you remember what you blamed? I blamed you and Carl Hutchinson. Well, yeah, because we called you. Both of you. Well, Carl rings you all the time. Yeah. Like, it's ridiculous, actually.

We do ring each other a lot. So I realised this the other day, so I cycled past my auntie's house on the same one, blood going down my leg like a warrior, like some kind of Viking, right? And my auntie was like, you don't keep in touch and i was like you know what i don't i'm really my mom always says i hardly ring her and cousins and stuff i hardly bother with like i'm just bad at keeping in touch with everyone yet me and carl will talk for easily half an hour a day

every day i think you are like each other's um support system yeah in life yeah i suppose yeah you know what i mean will you ring us to tell us when he's done weird stuff and I'll just berate him down the phone for him it's kind of like therapy I suppose that's what I mean

so basically guys I know you're all very concerned you want to know what happened I was going along on my bike hashtag bike guy and I got a phone call off Rosie asking where something

was in the house potatoes potatoes because you can't look past our arse to go and find something you put stuff away listen

from the HelloFresh and you put it in all the wrong cupboards. Listen, I'm busy, right? I'm busy. I've got stuff to do. Gotta get on my bike, right? Stop hitting the microphone. It's not professional. So Rosie rang us and then Carl rang us with a stupid wind-up that he was doing where he was pretending that he basically faked

an email. Have I told you this? He'd faked an email and sent me an email as if he was another comedian asking if he could set up a gig in me garden knowing that i'd be like can you fuck set up a gig in me garden so he was like ringing us going obviously in the email i forwarded you from that other comedian and i was like what so i like pulled over to look at that it would have been a good if he hadn't done it himself it was like his own thing that's how much time the pricks got on his hands set up a fake email address sending us an email sending to him then him forwarding to me saying that a comedian wants to do a gig

of me gardens he's heard me gardens big i was fucking raging it's quite impressive but i was raging even more because by the time i'd read it i'd already fallen off my bike so i pulled up onto the curb and i leant onto the lamppost and i've got them daft little clips in me in me pedals when my feet slide in i can't get them out because i can go faster hashtag bike guy because we're peddled rosie when you don't care okay don't care them out so I can go faster hashtag bike guy because we pedalled Rosie when you pedalled I don't care I need to tell you though now because I've

started without the clips you just pedal them downwards but you pedal upwards stop it I hate I'm writing this down I fucking hate it when

you do that I hate it the people want to know the minute you start talking about your bike I fall asleep so everybody listening is going to be falling asleep.

Nice, because I get sent... You know when we photos have been sent of that man with a duvet, with a bike on, saying this is your duvet? Yeah. And you're about to eat your words here. You're about to have egg on your face. Because I did fall off my bike,

and I did scream, and I got hurt, and people walked past and said, are you okay? The day after, I went back on my bike. Do you know why? Because you've got to get back on your bike, Rosie. You've got to get back on your bike. I got back on my bike do you know why because you've got to get back on your bike Rosie

you've got to get back on your bike I got back on my bike I went along a dirt path where there's some horses went past some some pedestrians stopped to let us past

as I went past lady standing there went bike guy I went that's right and I kept saying hate her massive love to the lady whoever you were

who shouted bike guy the other day hate you it made us go faster did it she said bike guy and I went yes yeah and then I thought

do you know what? I've got a little burst of energy and I pedalled a bit faster. Did it get a little bit harder, did it? You little sicko. You monkey little bike. Oh, she said bike guy and I just pedalled faster. Came home. You are jealous.

Something quite interesting happened yesterday. I mean, I say interesting. It's not because, you know, life's really boring right now. Nothing very interesting happened yesterday. I mean, I say interesting, it's not, because you know, life's really boring right now and nothing very interesting's happening, but I realise that Robin is one of these kids who is just really grim. Yeah. Like, a lot of kids

are like, oh, look at this, and just really nice and innocent, and you know, it's just not. He's not. so he started this thing when you walk along um pavements and we used to do i remember doing it when i was a kid and he's like you can't you can't stand on the lines you can't stand on the line so we're like going along like in the cobbles like in between the lines and so i told him what i knew from being a kid and what i remember the saying is well touch a crack and

you break your back oh you step on a crack you break your right yeah we all did that so I said to Robin well Robin you know you step on a crack you break your back and he went to me he went no mommy no no you're wrong he said you touch a line you're dead. Yeah, he did say that. Just, just that's it. No. Touch a line and you're dead. Great. So me and him were, did I tell you me and him were in the garden yesterday and we were playing with the bubble,

the bubble wand. Yes. I don't know who keeps buying these fucking bubble wands. Me mum. They just pop up now and then. Yeah. And he always brings them to me when the bubbles are almost completely gone.

So I've got to like full on scrape the bottom to use the bubbles. I've never had a full one in my life. Because you always think, oh, kids love bubble wands. But you give that to a kid. Robin's getting a little bit older now. Give that to a two or three year old. Tip all the stuff out. Put it on the floor.

So there's nothing left. Well, anyway. They're a nightmare. Yeah. So I managed to get all the bubbles going yesterday. And we started a game. And I thought this would be like five minutes we were paying for about 25 minutes right so i was just doing the big bubbles and then i was like right if the bubble touches the ground

or touches the house the world explodes right so why would you do that because it made them pop really quick i was like it's going it's good good right the world's gonna explode well world exploded hope you're proud of yourself. World exploded. This is why he's a little bit mental. This is why he says stuff like that. Why are you telling a kid that if the bubble touches the ground, the world's going to explode? So he'll pop the bubble?

That's terrifying, though. It's not. He loves it, man. He popped the bubble. Hey, Rosie, did the world explode? No, because he popped all the bubbles. Well, I know, but did he sleep all right last night? Or did he have night terrors,

worrying about bubbles hitting the ground? I blame you. I always keep thinking, I'm like, why is Robin so just like, says really random things and comes out with such weird things? And I'm thinking, it's not me, because I read him lovely bedtime stories

and I try to keep everything, you know, lighthearted and nice. It's you. It's you. It's you. You're ruining him. You're not going near this next one. Really? Is that a promise?

Robin's damaged goods now. Is that a promise? So I can just knock around with Robin and I don't have to do any nappies, nothing, no getting up in the night. You can just have that baby. That can just be your responsibility. Well, let's do an experiment.

Right. How about I just solely look after this next baby? Right. And then we'll see which one we like better. When they turn 18, we'll go, right, which one's nicer? That. Guarantee it'll be mine. That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.

If social servers are listening, we're not going to do that. That is a joke. That is not going to happen. Christ. Well, Robin used to be all lovely until lockdown. Now he's been spending too much time with you. You said that yesterday. It was really hurtful when you were like, you know what?

You were like, he's getting really weird and strange and saying strange things. And it's because you're home because of lockdown because you're normally not here. Well, I'm sorry, Chris, right? Okay, here's a little lesson for you. Next time you want to play pop the bubbles, how about you just go, oh, quick, you've got five seconds to pop the bubbles, Robin. One, two, no. A couple of problems there.

A couple of problems there. Dystopic, bloody. How am I supposed to know when that bubble is five seconds away from the ground? How am I supposed to know that? bubbles robin one two no a couple of problems here a couple of problems there sometimes how am i supposed to know when that bubble is five seconds away from the ground how am i supposed to know that let's just not put impending doom on with child's play he saved the world how many times he saved the world yes that does for a child's confidence save the bloody world he's too confident that's another thing about him we need to stop telling him that he's like great because i can't just put me i'll put it out there now i've never told him right well i do all the time i'm always like you're a superstar you oh look you're great and so now he just kind of goes mom look at this aren't i great and i'm like oh i've created a monster he

did put something on the idea was he's cap he put something on he was like don't I look dead cool in this and I was like you look alright he did that to me mum when we when I was in London last week

my mum had him she said to us that she found a random old vest in his drawer and because it was quite hot she just put a vest

on him and he was like look at me don't I look cool mama the self congratulatory little shit that he is oh hey

god look he is near lovely though love him love him stop telling him that I'm not he's average he's average

average at best try harder babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for this is Rosie's mysteries mysteries mysteries

mysteries mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Couldn't believe that he got it wrong last week. You called it out in the... He and never. This is such a good game. This is terrible. They should commission this, this, this.

Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Extremely informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Never wrong, never wrong, never wrong. So we have to start this week's Rosieie's mysteries with um with an apology unfortunately um so we've had a lot of we've had a lot of phone calls we've had a lot of emails texts um you know dms on social media unfortunately one of the questions last week was the answer that was given by myself was sorry did you say one of the questions as in that massive game show the only question 100% of your bullshit

last week was pure bullshit it was incorrect unfortunately for him or her we have got rid of the person who gets the questions they know a lot better than us good so there's

none this week there is one this week fuck's sake so that was sorry about that everyone

putting up with this small segment on the day that we record it is graft anyway but then the fact that I was tweeted almost all weekend

nearly non-stop people telling us that you'd got it wrong it was so irritating I can't believe I got sent the screen grab of fucking google of friends of how many episodes so many times well just to correct

it the amount of the total amount of friends episodes is not 219 like the presenter said last week it is in fact 236 let's just check 236 episodes yeah yeah just check. 236 episodes. 236, yeah, yeah. Can I reveal what you said to me just before this, of when I said, how did you get that wrong? And you said, that obviously got it wrong in the quiz out of the magazine that I stole it from. Yes. Great. But you know what, though?

Got everyone thinking. Oh, God. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. So there you go. You're welcome. Maybe they're not always going to be right. Right, but maybe that's a mystery. So there you go. You're welcome. Maybe they're not always going to be right. Right, but maybe that's the mystery. You just have to work it out.

Maybe that's the mystery. But this week I have researched a couple of times. Okay. And the couple of Google searches I did, the two, were the same. So fingers crossed. Oh, Jesus Christ. That this is correct. Are you ready for this week's

Rosie's Mysteries no but okay it's not going to stop you is it I've got a timer this week right so you've only got 35 seconds to answer the question

for fuck's sake do you want the question during the 35 seconds or do you want the full 35 seconds to answer the full obviously want the full 35 seconds

have you ever seen a game show tell me so this is this week's mystery, which is just true or false. Not a mystery, it's true or false. I mean... It's called Rosie's Trivia. I'm not changing it now.

I'm trying, I'm not changing it. I like Rosie's Mysteries. Anyway, Christopher, true or false? Charlie Chaplin came first in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike competition. I'll say that again. True or false? Charlie Chaplin came first in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike competition.

Your clock starts now. False, it was third. Do you want any more time? No. Well, we're just going to you want any more time? No. Well, we're just going to... I've only just got this. I think it was in Kansas City as well, if I remember rightly. Okay.

Just going to... But we're going to have to wait for the full. Yeah. Fuck me. And this is off countdown. So you nicked the... So the X-Files have been ripped off. Who wants a big man here being ripped off?

And now countdown's being ripped off. I'll not play the full thing. Right, okay, so that'll cover my life. That'll cover my life. It's only if you play the full thing you've got to... So, you're going to say false? I think he came third. He came third.

It might be an urban myth, but the one I've heard is he came third. You're right. You're right, yeah. Third, wasn't it? He came third. Yeah, I thought so, but I don't know if that's true. Oh, well, who knows? But I have got a little bit to back it up here.

Mystery. In 1975, several years before his death, Chaplin entered a lookalike contest of himself in France, it says here. Okay, apologies. He probably thought he was a shoo-in for the prize and everyone would have

a hearty laugh at the end, but then he came third. A theory, it says here, Chaplin's eyes probably threw off the judges since those baby blues couldn't be seen

in black and white. Wow. So he's got blue eyes in real life, but obviously when you watch it back in the day in black and white they would they wouldn't have recognized him and it's got another little bit here because i like to really give a lot yeah well you know what is the amount of terribleness

last week you know they're giving that you're giving them a bit of a bit of content this week so well done but chaplin isn't the only celebrity to have lost a look-alike contest of themselves to an imposter the one and only dolly parton once lost a drag queenike contest of themselves to an imposter. The one and only Dolly Parton once lost a drag queen competition of her likeness. Wow. So I'm guessing it was her and loads of drag queens and she didn't win. Wow.

Of who looks most like Dolly Parton. Wow. Okay. Amazing. Wasn't there a thing on the telly where Adele entered an Adele competition? I was just going to say that. I saw that.

That was good. Yeah, of lookalikes. Yeah. And she didn't win. But then when she started singing everyone was like yeah i remember they put it i remember that they put it on though like now like the voiceover what i was like now she's in the you know she's she's in in the mix with all of them and no one's got a clue that she's adele and like literally the first fucking thing one of the other people said to her was are you really you look really like her are you really adele she went no i'm not i'm trying all right then it doesn't fucking count when you have to go now

like when you go look this isn't a wind-up i promise this isn't a wind-up i promise i promise i promise that was a wind-up that's fucking bullshit that's what called it to me with that email you can't do that you can't go no i'm definitely not and then i don't know i didn't like it i enjoyed that show well it was good i like Adele, so there you go. Adele's amazing, but yeah. Are you her? No. All right, then. Are you sure?

I'm positive. Okay, then. Guess what? I'm her. Oh, I had no clue. No, you didn't have a clue, did you? No, I didn't. I fucking said it right at the beginning.

You couldn't. Dickiness. Okay. Thank you for listening to this week's Rosie's Mysteries. I'll be back next week with lots, lots more informative mysteries. Stop saying it. There's nothing mysterious about it apart from the fact that sometimes you get it fucking wrong

and you've got to wait a week to correct it. It's really the third time I've done it. I got it wrong. Can you believe that? Shocking. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef.

Beef. Beef. Oh. How are you then? I have got's your beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. Oh. How are you then? I have got a repetitive beef this week. Wow. Repetitive beef. I've done this before.

You haven't learnt from your mistakes. Oh, that's interesting because I think mine might be a ticker back now, y'all. Is it? Beef as well. Possibly. Yeah. It's a different version, but it's definitely got realms of the past in it. Okay.

Well, obviously now I am with child. What? You're pregnant? 19 weeks. What? Currently. You kept that quiet? You didn't whinge at all?

Okay. Well, that's... Stoic. We are saying that because what keeps happening currently is you asking me every 30 to 40 minutes if I'm alright. Look, you know this is my thing. I've done this for years. Chris, it's absolutely tedious.

Last night in bed, I've put a pillow in between my legs because I'm at that stage. I need to buy a proper pregnancy pillow, but it can't be asked. Just remind us to throw that out and burn it when you're done. Why? Because it's been in between my legs? Great. So I put a been in between my legs? Oh, great. So I put a pillow in between my legs and last night I just turned over in the middle of the night, you know, because people sometimes turn in bed, believe it or not.

Chris, from nowhere, you're alright. I've only just remembered that, as you've said it there. I wasn't in my sleep, I was awake. You woke us up. Rosie, I woke you up. You woke me up. You're saying you normally turned over. The rustling of the sheet.

You sound like you're putting a fucking tent up. It was the most sheet and duvet noise I've ever heard in my life. I thought you'd fell out of the bed. It was crazy. So I went, are you all right? You went, what do you mean? I was like, there's loads of duvet noise. Are you all right?

But you see it really panicked and it gets on my tits. Like, are you alright? Because I'm asleep. Yes, I'm fine. I'm asleep and I've been awoken by a lot of duvet noise. How fucking noisy do you have to... How can you make so much noise with a duvet? How is that possible?

Well, do you know what though? Honestly, next time, next time you ask, I've got a little baby doll downstairs. I'm going to have that baby doll at the side of the bed. I'm going to cover it in ketchup and I'm just going to turn and you go, I've had the burn. That is the grimmest thing.

That's horrible. I'm going to lie it in the middle of it. I'm going to go, stop asking me if I'm okay. Ketchup? Ketchup? That's fucking... I know what you meant. It's disgusting. I've had the burn

and I've dropped it in some chips. It's horrible. Don't ever do that to me. I'd have to put the, you know, that horrible little bit of scremula they get on their heads. Stop it.

The white stuff. Stop it. What, like, I'm going to... I think the initial... Firstly, I'd built a smell ketchup, right? Yeah. You wouldn't have to go... I'm not going to, like, pick it up.

I'm not going to turn the light on and be like, it's not breathing and it seems to be made, right? Yeah. You wouldn't have to go, I'm not going to like pick it up, I'm not going to turn the light on and be like, it's not breathing and it seems to be made of plastic and fabric. Like I'm going to realise immediately that it's bollock and you've told us about it now so I'm going to be like,

well, fair enough. Oh shit, yeah, okay. You'll forget. I'll wait a few weeks. I'll remember this. I'll take this to me grave. Anyway, stop asking this if I'm okay because I'm fine.

Listen, I will never. I will never. And I'm asking the baby as well and I'm alright because the one time I don't ask you, you might not be fine. And you know what you're like as well, the one time I don fine. Listen, I will never. I will never. And I'm asking the baby as well. And I'm alright because the one time I don't ask you, you might not be fine.

And you know what you're like as well. The one time I don't ask you, you'll go like, I'll make some noise and I'll not say anything. Then you go, you're not going to check on us. You say I'm pregnant.

You don't see what's happening here. You don't hear the noise I just made when I'm sighing, I'm breathing, I'm with child, I'm naked. What's the matter with you? You've got no heart.

Why are you not asking how I am oh because your teller's off every time well not this time no but it's the are you okay why don't you ask them something more specific

how are you like how's how's your boobs feeling today babe that's not you know what I mean that's not a question I'll ever be knocking

out there just get that out your head right now how's your discharge is it smelly because that's what happens when you're having a baby that's awful you do sometimes I've been knocking out there. Just get that out of your head right now. How's your discharge? Is it smelly? Because that's what happens when you're having a baby. That's awful.

You do, sometimes. I'm not at that point yet. You get a bit of a smelly. Oh, well, something to look forward to. Smelly down below. Again, I'll burn the pillow. But another thing that you did say, really the pregnancy, was just today, actually.

That's why it's fresh in my mind. You said, I just keep actually that's why it's fresh in my mind you said uh i just keep forgetting that you're pregnant and that must be a lovely feeling must be absolutely wonderful to just yeah sorry about that as that came out my mouth i was like i shouldn't have said that basically i don't know it's just because it's the second one because well no no sorry i didn't i was just gonna say the reason i think you it doesn't just because it's the second one because, well. No, no, sorry. I didn't, I was just going to say, the reason I think you, it doesn't feel as real to you, well, one, because you're not growing the baby inside you,

but you couldn't come to the scan or anything. Yeah. So it's not being. I've been handed a picture. Yeah. I could be, you could just be putting a bit of lockdown weight on and giving me pictures of other people's brains. Wow.

Honestly, you could just be knocking the takeaways in, right? Just holding the takeaways in right just holding the takeaways in getting getting the beers down you get the you know they pop that ale like ale baby yeah and just go to people yeah when you go to the scan get an extra picture for me i'll just give it to him he's in the name out um can you remember how uh this is how much i forget about it can you remember um the other day uh my friend phoned to ask what we're doing for new year and started making loads of plans for new year and i was like oh definitely i was like rosie you're definitely up for that you're like well i'm due on the 6th of january so fucking nah i went oh shit i forgot she's pregnant sorry

mate we're kind of do that bye you're just planning your whole life out with one child okay sorry about that but look are you okay my beef with you this week is, right, and I think I've mentioned something along these lines before, but you're doing it again now. And if I haven't mentioned it, you're doing it for the first time. You've done this before, you're doing it again. You did it yesterday.

You did it a couple of weeks ago. You do it a couple of times a week when I'm around. You keep telling me to tell you to make sure you do your exercise later in the day so if that doesn't make sense dear list now what happens is rosie will turn and go chris make sure tonight i do me walking just make sure look whatever i say you just make sure i do me walking right about tea time just say it was say rosie have you done your walking and i'll say i haven't just say rosie do your walking if you don't know what walking is she basically she might put it on instagram i'm not sure she puts the

laptop in front of the oven on the fucking on the on the on the island in the kitchen and she watches what i can only assume is some kind of 90s American. It's like this 90s American woman doing, so basically any film or TV series you've seen where they go to suburbia and suburbia is about to be ruined. Hence, they do it in Breaking Bad when you see where Jesse Pinkman lives.

And you see, oh, actually, he's this drug dealer, but he lives in this lovely suburban place with this massive house. That was his aunt's house or whatever whatever and they've always got them two women in the sweat bands power walking past going like oh my god did you hear what he said oh my god gotta pick the kids up from soccer and they power walk off down the road you basically watch a youtube version of a load of twats doing that and she's like can you feel the burn ladies yeah yeah

can you feel it like literally a couple of rooms away it sounds like porn yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh my god it's fucking horrible so she does that and it's a nightmare when she's doing it's horrible you've got to leave the rooms it's the loudest most ear penetrating thing ever but yeah your new thing is make sure i do me walking and then i go to you later in the day i go, I'll go for this because I'm an idiot and I'll never learn. Rosie, you done your walking? Oh, Chris, man, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, man. I'm not going to with child. Do you know what it's like?

I'm tired. I didn't sleep. I've got a pillow between my legs. I can't be bothered to do my walking. You told us. You said to us. Ask you to make sure you've done your walking. Oh, well, don't, man.

Leave us alone. Honestly, it's entrapment. It's nightmare i hate it stop doing it well okay stop asking this then i'll not ask anymore because i hate it when you ask because then i feel i'm riddled with guilt can you admit now that you genuinely tell me earlier in the day to ask you you genuinely do as everything i've just said they're true yes yes come on sorry i know because i think because at the time of the day i think oh i won't mind when you ask this guess what fucking do it then when you've got the get up and go to actually do it do it then instead of putting it with me and then making me tell you later on and get shouted at oh can i be honest

you can't i've got to make a'm going to make a tea with all the plants! Rosie, you're told to ask well! Sick of you. I'll not ask anymore. Good. No, I probably will. No, I won't. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

That's what she does. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bop. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth.

Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what?

Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. movie of the year. The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,

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That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. It's always at this point in recording the podcast that we're both just basically looking and sitting in a mic and i just have like an out-of-body experience of the fact that we're just sitting with massive headphones on in our kitchen with microphones and it's our job and we're going like a couple of beatboxes like like children on on Talkboy from Home Alone 2 making a radio station in their bedroom. Well, you know...

Excuse me? Yeah. Excuse me, Christopher? You know that I had a radio show when I was younger. Rosie, I had one as well. And this one isn't... This one, what we're doing now, isn't far from mine. A bit more fart noises in the first one I did

and wee noises and stuff. But this one, it's almost exactly the same. Mine was pretty good. I've talked about it before, me and Ashley Little. We actually used to pretend to call in and one time somebody was jumping off a bridge

and they rang in I'm not even joking you gee that's so grim I know it's really grim isn't it that's so grim it's strange where your mind goes at 11

Jesus somebody rang in they were going to jump off a bridge and I had to talk them down Ashley rang in she was going to jump off a bridge

I had to talk her down I don't want anyone to think that that was real for any moment. Wow. I know. Intense. Informative though.

I mean, yeah. Mysteries, mysteries. Jesus Christ. See? But now we've got a successful show of our own and it's great. Well, there we go.

As always, guys, as a nice segue, it wouldn't be successful if it wasn't for you but for people. So please continue to email in all of your stuff.

We absolutely love it. Shagmaridanoid at gmail.com and obviously i've mentioned it before but like rate and subscribe and all that stuff yeah i got some little questions i've got a week off this week i'm just getting the questions as a little present it's so nice well here we go hello rosie and chris hello as i'm writing this it's maybe 15 minutes after i had a kind of strange job interview it was on Zoom for a start which is the most depressing thing in the world it is, it is

when's Zoom going to die? I think we're going to find out that this whole thing was a Zoom marketing campaign do you think? it's part of Microsoft isn't it, Bill Gates getting 5G, getting Zoom on I don't think so mysteries, mysteries because I never ever Bill Gates getting 5G getting Zoom on is it? I don't think so because mysteries

mysteries because I never ever was a fan of conspiracy theories until I was made to live in my house and not leave and now I'm like

right well what's going on right where's the aliens what's going on there we go why is this happening so now I believe all kind of bullshit

she's got too much time on her hands exactly so she's just had a Zoom interview yeah bit weird is happening so now i believe leave all kind of bullshit too much time on her hands exactly um so she's just had a zoom interview yeah a bit weird one of the bits of the interview was we all had to pick a famous person we could talk about at length and i picked rosie she picked me oh i know sorry so it was a group job interview it was a group it sounds like it was a group job interview they had to pick a famous person which which I didn't think I was famous, but that's quite cool.

Wow. She's put, sorry, Chris. Then the next thing I know, I had to defend Rosie's life. Huh? When they said we were split into groups of four and had to choose two of the famous people to stay in a life raft,

while the other two had to be thrown overboard to die in shark infested waters sorry what was your job interview for this is exactly what i thought when i read this what kind of job interview is this subway i thought lifeguard lifeguard on an australian beach oh my god i'll direct in their um directors interviewing to be an assassin and they're only murdering famous people maybe who knows so so that bit again so you have to defend your life okay the next thing i know i had to defend rosie's life when

they said we were split into groups of four and had to choose two of the famous people to stay in the life raft while the other two had to be two of the famous people to stay in the life raft while the other two had to be thrown overboard to die in shark infested rotas. She's put here, I did my best but my mic cut out so I couldn't defend much. So I'm afraid Rosie died.

So my mic cut out so she couldn't defend us. So I'm guessing the tactic for the people from subway yeah was um but it's not subway no i'm just sorry i don't know whether it was like a it might be an up this could be quite a high up job where it's like you've got to like like sales bullshit like upselling and negotiating and yeah yeah sort of yeah yeah like what's all that NLP stuff like convincing people things and that

yeah wow must be like that I remember when we went to job interviews and it was can you sell me this pen thankfully I never had that one did you not

never ever had the pen I don't know how I would do it I don't know how I would do it I hate that shit yeah me too but I had a job interview for the gadget shop which I got

and I worked there for like two years. We'll talk about that in the book. We do talk about that. You talk about it at length in the book. I'm very jealous that you worked at the gadget shop. Well, for the job interview for that. Sorry, can you just tell them all what you did?

What? You got to stand at the front playing with the helicopters and stuff. I played with the helicopters. Fucking hell. I was the one who stood in the sumo suit. Oh, the big inflatable thing. You stood in that? I stood in that.

Goodness me. Always good fun when the lad that you'd snogged the night before was out shopping the next day and walked past the gadget shop thinking, what the hell did I do? How pissed was I last night? She wasn't that big. Bloody hell. So bad. I love that job it was so good oh so jealous in the interview we had to juggle great uh we had to sing on the karaoke oh you loved that i loved it i mean obviously

and we had to draw a picture of what we thought our life would be in five years time right wow yeah what was yours just you in shark infested water dead no i i tried to be a little bit funny so i was on stage eating pies eating pies because i love performing i wanted to be on stage but i also really liked pies wow so that was my picture i do wow and that was it and i got the job and i had a lovely time there congratulations um yeah so so we've got no idea what this person's job was for Wow. And that was it, and I got the job, and I had a lovely time there. Congratulations. Yeah, so. So we've got no idea what this person's job was for? No idea. So annoying.

They haven't said, which is really annoying. It's from Lucy. So Lucy, if you want to email back just to let us know what the job was for and whether you actually got it. I mean, I've died, but she hasn't. She probably wouldn't have got it, though, if she hadn't defended me enough. Well, serves her right. Serves her right.

Worst lifeguard slash person at greg's slash subway ever lovely little one here dear chris and rosie i'm at work and something got me thinking when i am typing if i want to put a capital letter i will press the caps locks button on and off for the individual letter whereas i have noticed other people press the shift button what do you do and who is right wow okay so they press for every time they do a capital letter cap off rather than just holding shift oh what do you do hold shift hold shift as well so this is weird i've just remembered something i know i don't i've never told you this so when i first got a computer i was doing i think

the history project or something for school so basically we we were of the generation where computer sort of became a thing like while we were in the comp kind of thing having a computer at home my mom was sugar touch type so sugar type just look at the screen yeah yeah but she had like a clerk's job or whatever child records or something she's working used to work in. So I remember when I had something to do, my mum would help us. So my mum would sit at the computer and I would tell her. So I could type, but just not as fast as my mum. Okay.

That's cool. Not the case anymore, obviously, but you know, at the time. And I remember she wasn't aware of Backspace. So you know Backspace, delete. Like delete, yeah. So if you write Rosie, R-o-s-i-e sorry spell your name yeah well done school right and then you want to delete it you just go back backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace i remember getting so annoyed because

my mom would delete words right by going arrow back delete arrow back delete arrow back so she'd go she'd bring the cursor behind each word each letter and then press so it would take her it would be to delete a five letter word she'd have to press 10 keys it's fucking infuriating it was so annoying and by the end i didn't let her do it anymore okay and isn't that nasty but i was like i've got two things to say about that one yeah should your mom have been helping you really with your homework typing it out for you right well i was doing all the thinking she was just doing still though right still though Should your mum have been helping you, really, with your homework? Typing it out for you? Right. Well, I was doing all the thinking.

She was just doing the typing. Still, though. Right. Still, though. Don't you be contacting the GCSE board and getting me a GCSE report? Well, I won't. I mean, you'd be screwed now, anyway. Right.

Because that's a different subject altogether. My predicted grades were terrible, so I'd be gutted. Chris, I got predicted ungraded for my GCSE maths. Quite right. So, I know but if if this had been what's happening now the malarkey around the country with exam grades i'd be knackered i wouldn't go to college i got a d wow a gcse jesus but i only got into college because i had to reset my gcse which i was gutted about because i like, I've scraped this D and I'm having to do it again.

What did you get the second time? Oh, I left college. Ah, right. The gadget shop was calling, was it? Yeah. Yep. Full time, 600 pound a month. I was absolutely loving life. Yeah, I left college.

What was the other thing you wanted? What? What was the other thing you wanted to see? You said two things. One, should your mum be doing it? What was the second one? I can't believe your mum can touch type because I've seen her on a phone and it's awful.

That's new information to me, that your mum has got a touch type thing because your mum and dad are the most non-technological people in the world. My 83-year-old Nana is better at social media for just everything than your mum and dad. And God love them,

absolutely adore them, but they're letting themselves down. I genuinely don't think my mum knows that it's a real keyboard layout on the phone. You know how it's an actual keyboard layout on the phone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think she knows it's a keyboard layout. I think she just thinks there's letters there. I guarantee if I said, oh, mum, you know, they're exactly the same as a keyboard. I bet she just thinks there's letters there. I guarantee if I said, oh, ma'am, you know, they're exactly the same as a keyboard.

I bet she'd go, yeah, they are. She'd put it down and she'd... Fucking the Matrix. Here's one for you. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm a little behind. Currently listening to episode 46. Only discovered podcast last month. Wow.

Welcome to the wonderful world of podcasts welcome to party pal you're gonna enjoy it a couple of times you have had story slash questions about weddings i think in the last one the mother-in-law wore the same dress as the bridesmaids remember that so i thought i would share my story with you and see what you think i've been married twice to protect the not always that innocent let's call the two lucky men bill and ben oh the flowerpot men wedding one wow my mum and dad met his mum and dad the night before the wedding can i just say i hope she called it that at the time

welcome to my first wedding. My first wedding. Welcome to wedding one. Sequel's already been commissioned. They were never going to be lifelong friends, but it was fine. So what went wrong on the day? Here's a little list. Number one.

My mum and mother-in-law wore exactly the same outfit Wow Yeah Wow Imagine that Well they hadn't met each other Ridiculous So they wouldn't have spoke about it

Yeah God Number two When we went into the church the sun was shining when we said I do there was a huge clap of thunder Fantastic

Never good Great Number three Sitting in the back of the limo with my dad on the way to the church I was thinking what the fuck am I doing

why on earth am I marrying this guy? Wow, there we go then. That's why it's wedding number one. Practice wedding, practice wedding. Number four, you're going to like this. When I arrived at the church, I was immediately disappointed that the usher I had shagged two weeks before wasn't there. Jesus.

It was never going to be a marriage made in heaven. Wow, so one of his mates had shagged two weeks before, wasn't there? Jesus! It was never going to be a marriage made in heaven. Wow! So one of his mates had shagged two weeks previous? Yeah, and she was gutted when she got the altar. We've all been there. We've all got to the altar on our wedding day and thought, where is the person I shagged two weeks ago? I'm gutted.

Well, you know, yeah. We all know that feeling of devastation. Me and you have been there ourselves. Yeah. Obviously, I'm joking. It's vile. Can you imagine? Yeah, I mean, I don't know who's at fault there.

It's my only thing. What do you mean? Well, I don't know if I can be on her side after she's said that. Oh, no. I mean, what's that first wedding? I feel like she might be a bit... Yeah, but she didn't know it at the time. I feel like she might be a bit of a dick.

It's our practice wedding. Let her off. When I was there, I thought... I'm feeling sorry for her husband here, is all I can say. I can't be laughing at the time. I feel like she might be a bit of a dick. It's our practice wedding. Let her off. When I was there, I thought, I'm feeling sorry for her husband here is all I can say. I can't be laughing at this, but go on. Carry on. Back in the day, you know, everyone says now that I think people get married a lot easier.

Back in the day, they were marrying just for fun. For the crack. Just for like, oh, we've been together for a few years. We should probably just get married. Jesus. Fun and games. So on to wedding number two you can decide which is worse a much smaller occasion just 20 of us sat around one big table

shagged everyone else and i hadn't turned up i had since worked my way through all of the bridal and groom parties so we had 20 close people who were blood relatives who i hadn't managed to have intercourse with um my dad stood to do his speech he started by thanking everyone blah blah blah and explained that his speech was based around our family tree he then said before i continue the main reason i am standing here of course is to welcome ben to our family. Ah, lovely. Except that Ben was my first husband's name. Shit the bed. Shit the Ben.

Shit the Ben. Everyone stopped dead. Everyone looked so uncomfortable, except for my dad, who had no idea. He continued with his speech and then again reiterated that he wanted to welcome Ben to the family. Oh my God.

I take thee, Rachel. Good God. Everyone froze except for the odd nervous giggle. Then he raised his glass to Ben and... Fucking doubled down on that, didn't he? I stopped him there and said, it's Bill, Dad. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, but everyone laughed with relief, but needless to say, my dad was mortified. However, much less destructive than the first, we've been married for 22 years this year. Oh, well done. I'm not clapping you. Well done. I'm not clapping you.

Well done, you managed to not shag someone two weeks before your second wedding. Shag the ushers. Fuck a duck. E, you poor dad. E. That is funny. Can I just say,

I am fair play to people who get married again because I don't think I would. I don't think I'd be bothered. Well, I mean, I should hope not. No, do you know what I mean? I just wouldn't go, oh, should we have this big mad thing again because I'm going to be living with this person

and oh, we've done it. Chris, people do it. Like some people have been married four times. Comes to a point where you go, stop it now. Yeah. That's enough come on you can get a normal lad's holidays it doesn't have to be a stag

Jesus just go away for the weekend I just I don't understand do you know what it is I can understand people getting married twice I can because I think if you've done it wrong the first time if you've been young or whatever I do think that you can meet other

partners in life and really be right this is my soul type thing but i think when you get into the third fourth fifth time you just need you've got a problem you've got no but there's some sort of issue there where you can't be with someone unless you've got that bit of paper and i think it's an expensive suspect it's an expensive jaunt and I think it's a bit silly I think I'm not judging here get married as many times as you want but if you're my friend or family

and you're on your fourth one and it's on a weekday and it's abroad and you want a present don't invite us no I'll not be coming I'll not be coming I can't take it seriously

I'll not be coming to your fucking church of lies thank you very much could you take it seriously if one of your best mates was up at the altar for the fifth time? Nah. Rosie, if one of my best mates was up at the altar for the fifth time, I'd have made so many jokes during the ceremony the third and fourth times,

I wouldn't be at the fifth one. You wouldn't be invited back. I'd be heckling them. To love and to cherish from this day forth. Ah, how long though, eh? Start the timer now, lads. I do. He said that before me.

I'd be banned. I'd be banned. 100%. Hey, plenty of time. We could still go on to the next marriages yet. Oh, no. Do you know what? Mainly because I can't be asked to redo the artwork for the podcast.

True. Dear Rosie and chris and poor unwitting baby who hopefully won't be scarred from hearing all these stories fair point i've never thought about that you see robin never gonna listen to this yeah because we'll never let him but the baby the poor baby is hearing everything actually this this this brings up i wrote this down as a beef but it's not big enough to be a beef but i'm going to bring it in now because this annoyed us wonderful um so we i never again i never really think of it sort of being here here kind of thing but obviously it's in your

stomach it's it's it's very much you're aware of it all the time stomach womb ass whatever wherever you keep it uh in me asshole that's where the baby's living currently yeah that's where you were born from now we went on our 25th wedding anniversary 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding anniversary on the 25th of July wow that flew that

25th of July feels like it lads am I right on the 25th Christ on the 25th of July we went to House of Tides

big shout by the way Kenny Atkinson House of Tides in Newcastle we went there as a lovely treat for our wedding anniversary and during the meal, I wrote it down on my phone

when we went to the bathroom, but during the meal you said to me, because your brain is all over the place at the minute and you're a maniac, you said to me,

do you not feel guilty that one of our children's here and the other one isn't? Remember that? Stupidest thing anyone's ever said. Why? Because I text my mum to see

I think Robin stayed at my mum's and I text her I said is it ok has he gone to bed ok she said yeah and you went eee do you not feel guilty

that one touched your stomach that one of our children's here and the other one isn't fuck it messes you up Chris pregnancy so weird

motherhood parent it messes you up like I genuinely felt bad for Robin because he was missing out on the blooming homemade churned butter. And the baby in the stomach was experiencing it all.

Can you imagine Robin in a Michelin star restaurant? It would be the worst thing in the world. I'd give him the wine course just to shut him off. I'll wait on what to say. Right, okay. Please keep me anonymous as I'm ashamed to be married to such a minger fantastic a little bit ming in this sorry that's cool you know my husband just got a new job working from home he's done so in the past and has had his office chair for about five years

okay with the new job i decided to give his office a little makeover so i ordered a new desk chair paint etc that's really sweet isn't it i thought he's gonna be happy about this no no no it's not I decided to give his office a little makeover. So I ordered a new desk, chair, paint, etc. That's really sweet, isn't it? I don't think it's going to be happening like this. No, no, no, no. It's not that. We put his old chair up for sale and someone snapped it up.

I thought I best give it a quick anti-back before it goes, you know, COVID. Why, I know, I know. All that kind of stuff going on. Good. Sensible. Cleaning away, I looked underneath the chair and there, to my horror, was five years worth Of wiped boogies

No way! I thought you were going to say chewing gum The dirty sod The filthy dirty sod Big ones, small ones Some as big as your head Millions of them He was in a meeting and the guy was picking it up soon

So I had to hold down the vomit and get it all cleaned off. Oh, never in the world. Bless you. Yeah. I can't look at my husband the same and I'm purchasing a box of tissues for the office immediately. Oh, God. Surely that...

This is what always astonishes me about questions like this, right? Should there not come an age in life where you stop doing stuff like that wiping your snots on stuff yeah just is there not a time in life i used to put chewing gum under tables and stuff but i wouldn't do it now yeah do you know what i mean there's got to come a time when you go that's not very nice is it you know like i used to put my feet up on the metro I don't do that anymore because someone else has got to sit on there and as an adult

you go well that's a bit rank I wouldn't want to sit where someone's had their feet well it's getting courtesy isn't it it's getting thought for others yeah he's just wiping all his

snot under his chair oh I know but come on listen I'm not sticking up for you all I'm saying is that's his chair he's not doing it on the family sofa

he's not doing it on the toilet seat under the toilet rim that's his chair it's not he's not doing it on the family sofa he's not doing it on the toilet seat under the toilet rim that's his chair oh still though chris it's in his house where his family lives i tell you right now it's not the worst thing he does in that chair as a man i'm telling you it's not the worst thing he does in that chair and i tell you what them tissues are going to go down so quick you're going to think he's picking his nose no that's why he doesn't want tissues in his thing that's why I'm telling you right now that poor man

he's been victimised here he's got to wipe his snots under there right because if you any man if you put tissues next to your computer anyone sees it and goes

oh aye aye aye eh eh poor bloke he's got to do it on the bottom of his chair I don't I don't feel sorry for him I don't know

I did a full 180 on him there I feel bad for him oh great well you buy his chair off him then with did a full 180 on him there. I feel bad for him. Oh, great. Well, you buy his chair for men? With all the snot on? Disgusting. Do you want something a bit gross?

Always. Okay. Right. Oh, okay. I'm excited. Hey, Ramses. Hi. I'm going to tell it's going to be be gross by the informal hey Not hello, not dear

Hey You're receiving this email because your most recent lucrative lucrative sponsor Reminded me of a lad I lived with at university And by reading it I cannot remember which lucrative sponsor it was Okay, I'll try and Might have been Flannels Have you done Flannels? Yeah, I did Flannels last week

Oh right, okay As if you don't been flannels. Have you done flannels? Yeah, we did flannels last week. Oh, right, okay. This might be... As if you don't remember flannels from last week. I only remember when the non-existent cheque goes into my bank. Yeah, well, it wasn't cheque. We actually got paid with flannels. But... God, I don't know.

Imagine. Imagine you go to work every day as long as you've got time and you get paid in flannels. Used flannels. Still warm flannels. Oh, you'd be gutted. S, you get paid in flannels. Used flannels. Still warm flannels. Oh, you'd be gutted. Slightly damp, slightly warm flannels. Imagine if that was the currency of the world.

Wet flannels. Jeff Bezos walking around with a beach towel. Hey, look at him, look at all his money. Oh, he's loaded. Sides of his flannel. You can lie on it. So, the lucrative sponsor of what we think is flannel reminded her of a lad she lived with at university.

Okay. After some time of living together, I noticed that he always kept a glass of water next to his bed. Now, wrong with that, you might say. Quite sensible if you're often way more thirsty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep hydrated. I'd agree with you if it wasn't for one thing.

That glass and the water contained within looked filthy. Oh. The glass had water marks around the top edge and the water had a layer of dirt slash dust resting upon its surface. Oh. Yeah. First thoughts, he's previously taken a glass of water to bed and either forgotten about it or simply can't be bothered

with returning it to the kitchen. Seems logical. But should I remind him to clean it? That's what she was saying. Yes. I didn't mention it for a while, thinking it's not really any of my concern, but I couldn't help feeling repulsed by it

if I entered his room or caught a glimpse through his open door. So this glass of water is just on the side of his bed. Manky, disgusting. Aren't people minging? Oh, Chris, this is going to blow your mind. Really? Oh, it gets worse? Yes. See, I'm already disgusted that there's been a glass there for that long.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Sometimes the film of surface scum would be floating down in the water as though recently disturbed and the glass would occasionally have moved on his bedside table so it was obvious he hadn't forgotten about it why then had he not emptied and washed this glass this absolutely like she's she's writing a documentary about this glass this is filling her brain she is consumed by this glass of water so it's like moved It's been disturbed. Because like you say,

it could have just been, people leave glasses, you know. I once went out with a lad who had mugs along his windowsill that were just there

for weeks. Prison, prison. So I tried to ignore it but eventually my revulsion and curiosity got the better of me. Revulsion's a great word.

Isn't it great? I know. Amazing word. Brilliant. Amazing. Like magnetized a great word. Isn't it great? Amazing word. Brilliant. Amazing. Like magnetized, but better. Magnety. Magnety.

I dare to ask why he kept his micro-habitat within a... She's brilliant! What do you mean? She's a wordsmith. She's a wordsmith. I love her.

Within a glass next to his bed. His response still puzzles And disgusts me to this day He explained That this was not drinking water Oh no Quite matter of factly And with no hint of embarrassment

He told me That this was his Cock wash What The fuck Sorry This was his cock wash. What the fuck? Sorry. Yeah. There's more.

No, you're joking. Having clearly noticed the perplexed look on my face, he went on to tell me that following sexual activity, he dips his penis into the glass of water. No! No! Gives it a swirl, then dries it off with the flannel

that was hung on his radiator. No way, man. The lad's got a system. Awful, isn't it? I can't believe it. Yeah. There's more here. I can't believe it.

So, yes, you could not have been more correct when you said that hotel flannel should not be trusted. Some people have very odd, revolting habits. My old housemate would, however, disagree. He insisted that this was perfectly normal behaviour and implied that I was odd for not cleaning my penis in this way. Showers are apparently overrated. Oh, this is from a male.

I can literally... You're not got a cock wash though. You're not got one. You're not got... Steve. He hasn't got a cock wash. He hasn't got a cock wash. At the cock wash.

Oh, yeah. Talking about the cock wash, yeah. Dip it in and swirl it round. Yeah,, yeah. Dip it in and swirl it round, yeah, cockwash. Dip it in and swirl it round. I didn't realise that was a male. I thought this was a female. Yeah, that had the repulsion of a female. Well, you would be repulsed.

Yeah, this is me, this is me. Oh, my God. The cockwash just drops his knob in and then just flannels it off with a dirty flannel and dirty water but the same water right couple of questions

what if he spilled some of it what does he do probably wipe it up with the flannel I've just answered that myself did he ever clean the flannel doubt it same water same flannel

yeah was it the same girl oh I hope so oh that's an infection wait now well that's a that's a glass of STIs yeah Same flannel. Yeah. Was it the same girl? Oh, I hope so. Oh, that's an infection weight now. Well, that's a glass of STIs. Yeah. Oh, jeez.

Final question, Rosie. How big was the glass? Oh, oh, the small. Okay. In case you're wondering, it was a pint glass. Pint glass. Yeah. Pint glass.

Okay. Final question. Yeah. How much did I drink it? Oh. How much? Oh. glass okay so final question yeah how much to drink it oh how much oh if i if i want a big pile of flannels out now right okay if it's there see that glass of water yeah it's there right okay there's no actual full-on bits of stuff in it but it's just you know it's as as that person's described if i just whacked out now start us off then 50 grand just in a pile

of cash no tax nothing straight to you get whatever you want okay well my thing is it might be a pint glass but if that was full

of the rim of water when he put his thing in it would spill over so it's half a pint glass three quarters of a pint half a pint 50 grand cash on the table now

do you know what this time last year I'd have said no because how ironic that a global pandemic Do you know what? This time last year, I'd have said no because... How ironic that a global pandemic has made you consider drinking this water. Chris, your whole tour, an hour tour, has had to be moved.

And people think that when they buy tickets for a show, that the people doing the show get the money. And we're living in land, you know, rich land. Just so you know, if you've got tickets for any of our tours, we will see that money 10 weeks after the final date of that tour has happened. Sometimes 15 weeks. Listen. Yeah.

60 grand. I'd drink it for 60 grand. I would. 60, but when you've finished, if you've spilled any on you, you've got to wash your face with a flannel. Oh, yeah, man. You've got to wipe any that's gone down onto your neck or your mouth or whatever. You've got to, like, poop while you've finished if you've spilled any on you you've got to wash your face with a flannel oh yeah you've got to wipe if any's gone down

like onto your neck or your mouth or whatever if you've gone like while you've been drinking it you've just got to dry it off with the flannel weirdly I would rather drink the water

than wash my face with the flannel okay another one for you right clean glass clean glass clean water

it's one of your glasses from the cupboard okay it's our water from our tap right but you've got to drink it through the flannel.

Do you understand? So you put the flannel over the top like an old artisan jam. Yeah. With a string around. Elastic band around, yeah, yeah. And then you've just got to drink it through like a really smelly snare drum. Yeah. How much?

Five pound. No. That was going a bit too low there. Nah, you're considering it. I'm considering it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. COVID's fucked us. So now I'm drinking the cock wash.

That's me cock wash. Christ. What's wrong with people? Oh, I did. They're horrible, man. That's me cock wash. Christ. What's wrong with people? Oh, I did. They're horrible, man. That's me cock wash. What? Sorry.

We're just skipping over the fact that some lucky lady gets to have sex with him, then watch him dip his knob in a glass. What's she thinking? Oh, it's great. That was amazing. Oh, yeah. Well, I love you. Love you too.

Slosh. Wipe. Still have the radio, will you oh what about when the heating comes on oh that's gonna stink that's gonna absolutely stink man i hope this man's in jail now this man deserves to be in jail this is the work cock wash and if you're listening to this now going that's normal have a word have a word have a word with yourself have a word but wash it wash it in the sink like that's better than that isn't it have a shower get some wet wipes in a bin baby wipes in a bin yeah there you go oh right okay that's me cock wash fucking animal as always thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag maridenoid which is now part of the acast creator network yes guys thank you so much if you to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, guys, thank you so much.

If you want to get in touch, as always, it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please continue to like, rate, and subscribe. It's really lovely that you do that. And again, flogging the old dead horse here, but the book is out. Okay, dead horses don't make a noise, so that was rubbish. The book is out. Still not dead if it's making any noise. Try again.

Rosie's impression of a dead horse. Try again. No, they don't make any rosie you just have to not make any noise are you ready rose's impression of a dead horse oh what an idiot the book is out on the 3rd of september available for pre-order now uh some of the stuff we talked about in this podcast actually gets a lot more in-depth uh analysis in the book. It just popped into my head there as a little flog in it. Talking about holidays and making friends and stuff. I put my guide as an only child to making friends on holiday

and it is fucking tragic. Informative. Also, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you might like the audio version of the book, which is available on audible.co.uk. There you go. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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