Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 79. Around the World

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

It's almost back to school time and Rosie is feeling unprepared - will Robin be using the lost property PE kit? Also this week, Chris is missing his drinking partner and is determined to get Rosie out of the motorhome. As well as this the term 'Gilf' is used on the podcast for the first time and there is some eggy discussion plus perhaps the most awful wedding story ever. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married, Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, dot ca chewy sweets on the table here while we record. So this is going to take a while. It's going to be a lot of start stopping. Not for you guys listening, because it's going to be seamless. It's going to be edited out. But there's going to be a lot of chewing going on.

A lot of breaks. A lot of breaks. A lot of chewing going on. Absolutely amazing. And at some points, sugar might hit me. I talk really fast. At other points, I get a little bit. I have a come down.

Just have a little bit more sugar. Yeah. So there you go. Well done for letting everyone know that. That's fine. You know, part of the public service. Just letting everyone know what's happening, you know. Letting them in.

Letting them in. Letting them behind the curtain. Letting them come in behind the curtain. Have a lie down. Come and see them. Lie down in front of the fire. Make love to... I don't know what I'm saying.

Guys, it's episode 79. I kind of believe that. 79. Goodness me. Thank you so much, as always, for continuing to listen and like and rate and subscribe. It's just the best. Thank you so much as always for continuing to listen and like and rate and subscribe and it's just the best

and you know how much we love you and I'm not going to stop sucking your dick right now or Stop going out and sucking dick. I've told you about this.

Don't tell me how to live my life. Oh Jesus. This is still the intro. Where's Chris tonight? He's out sucking dicks again listen

gotta pay them bills speaking of paying them bills it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is yeah Croutons

wow okay didn't see that coming we've had nothing to do with Croutons to be honest with you the guys have been going back and forth

with guys from Croutons for a little while now, trying to make this work. Crunching a deal, are you? Yeah, yeah. High five. Thank you. Absolutely fantastic. Honestly.

Crunching out a deal. I know you're too ex-presborne, but if it wasn't, I'd be going instead. With that one. Just that one. Lizard Down, where the stage was you? Yeah!

Hey, croutons. Hey, crunching a deal. Well, that's all from me, guys. Good night, everyone. Off to suck some dicks. Boo! Hey, croutons. Right, croutons, yeah.

Yeah. Hey, do you like soup? I do. I do like soup. Like dipping bread in soup? Mm, yeah. Well, how can we interest you? Instead of dipping bread in,

what about dropping tiny little bits of rock-solid bread into the soup, and then, hey, eat them straight away if you want them to crunch, because if not, just soggy little bits of floating bread. That's right up my street. I do like a crouton, you know. Do you really?

Because I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know anyone who likes croutons. I do. Well, okay. Hello. Nice to meet you. My name's Rosie Ramsey, and I enjoy a crouton.

Why are you putting your left hand out to shake hands? I don't like... COVID. COVID. do well okay hello nice to meet you my name is rosie ramsey and i enjoy your crouton why are you putting your left hand out to shake hands i don't like why covid covid the less dominant i don't do much with this hey croutons so you take you slagging croutons off i am i am slagging them off they're pointless i think i have i think we've got a bag of them in the cupboard they've been there forever oh yeah absolutely pointless be well out of date hey put them in some soup put them in the cupboard. They've been there forever. Oh, yeah. They'll be well out of date now. Hey, put them in some soup. Put them in a salad if you want your teeth to fucking ache like shit afterwards. Is that salad loud enough?

Awful. Pointless. Do you know what I keep meaning to do? They hurt the roof of your mouth as well. What do you mean to do? I keep meaning to use any stale bread we've got and make breadcrumbs. But I never, ever do. And I'm really jealous of people who just have time

and have the thought and just go, I'm going to make some breadcrumbs today because I do like breadcrumbs. Right. You keep wanting to get stale bread. Right. First of all,

amazing thing to be jealous about. You know, like, mean girls or whatever, just look at that bitch. Look at that. Oh, God. You know the breadcrumbs she made last night?

Gosh. She always remembers to use stale bread for breadcrumbs. Yeah, well, bitch, that's K. Look at that. Oh, God, you know the breadcrumbs she made last night? Gosh, she always remembers to use a stale bread for breadcrumbs. Yeah, well, bitch, that's kayak car. Like, what the fuck, first of all, as a statement. And secondly, how would you go about this? And why do you want the breadcrumbs? Why do you want to make breadcrumbs? Well, firstly, it's like people who do overnight oats.

There's a lot of preparation goes into an overnight oat. What's an overnight oat? Well, I don't really know. But I think what I've gathered from overnight oats is you get porridge, which is shit

without like 75 ingredients. So you get porridge, you put like milk in it or whatever, and then loads of other ingredients. You leave it overnight and it goes like thick. Right.

So you leave it overnight and you have it for your breakfast in the morning, but it's like cold. Right. I would probably hate it, but but i just i'm envious of people who are who are good at stuff like that because i'm not people who are organized basically yeah yeah but yours is mainly food based well always food based right so people who make overnight oats and people who use the stale bread to make breadcrumbs well it's the same as if i ever if i'm ever cooking something

which is very rare now because you're such a Well, it's the same as if I'm ever cooking something, which is very rare now because you're such a good cook, it's actually pointless for me to do it. If it's ever like, oh, make this sauce, marinate for 24 hours and I'm like,

well, that's not happening. You'll get 15 minutes. Oh, not even that. I'll just literally, I'll just be like, sauce, chicken, chicken, sauce. Right, we're all friends. Right time to cook.

Just introduce them to them like they're at a party. I'm the same. I'm not very good at that. Well, hey, next time, make some... How do you make croutons? Oh, it needs to be

unsliced bread, doesn't it? What are you talking about? Croutons or breadcrumbs? You could make croutons. I could make croutons. Croutons can be just normal bread. You fry it. Hey, croutons,

then make them littler. Cut yourself some breadcrumbs. You're not wrong, you know. Hey, croutons in a blender? Breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs. Okay, good. All you know. Hey, croutons and blender? Breadcrumbs. Okay, good. All right.

There you go. Can we have a jelly brick, yeah? Yeah, let's have a jelly brick. Okay. Let them listen to the fucking jingle. We'll have some jellies. We'll have a during the jingle. Here's a jingle. Jelly time.

Jelly time. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. This is a safe space. Safe space? So you listen away and you just know that everything that happens here it stays here right what do you mean I don't understand who you're talking to here what do you mean the listener

right but they're not doing anything they're just listening that's why I said it's a safe space so you just listen away and enjoy it why are you

sorry I don't understand what you're trying to do there like it's not safe because sometimes you know the emails and things you know

I will be angry I will be shouting at them I will be telling them sometimes you know the emails and things you know i will be i will be angry i will be shouting at them i will be telling them that you know they need to be locked up so it's not that safe but if you haven't emailed in or anything and you're just chilling you might be whatever you're doing just sit back and relax yeah so what's been going on uh not much not much i'm sick chris you're sick i'm sick why are you. You're sick? I'm sick. Why are you sick? You're sick too. Well, I'm massively sick, but this is a performance, so I try and leave it at the door. I can't. I can't leave my baggage at the door.

You can't. I'm fed up. I'm just fed up. I'm fed up with the world right now and everything, and sometimes it's just a bit shit. And do you know what? Do you know what happened yesterday? What happened?

Which really just got to us, right? I was on Instagram, Instasham, right? Yeah. Somebody, it started already. And I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would affect us as much, right? Right. But I did know it was coming. Okay.

I saw the first one yesterday. What is it? Okay, somebody said, had a picture of our little boys, and they said, I'm going to miss these two when they go back to school. Fucking dickhead, idiot, bollocks, full of it. Honestly. Liar. I wanted to cry. Sorry, I've never done so much swearing so quickly.

And it's happening now. It's happening. I'm sorry. It's not natural to spend this much time around your children. No, no. And I love Robin to the end of the earth but the day that he starts school

cannot come quick enough oh god yeah can't wait it's been like six months it's been the longest summer holidays ever you know how kids get like irritable at the end

of a six weeks holiday like he's been he's been at the end of his six weeks holiday for a month now and he's just he's had enough of us he wants to be around

other children he wants some structure in his fucking life yeah it's ridiculous he's had enough of us he wants to be around other children he wants some structure in his fucking life yeah it's ridiculous he's so bored and I'm bored and I'm just

but yeah I seen it yesterday and I just thought there's going to be loads of these I'm going to miss these two I'm going to miss these two you're lying

what am I going to do without these two around have a life breathe have a breath have a breath right have a bath have a frig do what you want have a frown have a wank have a breath have a breath right have a bath

have a frig do what you want I was going to say have a wank have a glass of wine at midday honestly what am I going to do

without these two oh nah it's just getting nah get in the bin get in the bin I can't wait for that for him to go back to school and then like

it's just getting fucking some of the stuff now that is coming out of this that like like yesterday you told me that we can't get them school shoes because school shoes have sold out

and then you've got to book at Clark's. You've got to book in at Clark's. I mean, fucking hell! Like, how to make the mundane more mundane and irritating? Like, Jesus! Do you know what I'm very annoyed at myself for, though? Yeah. Obviously, Robin's starting reception, which I don't know which I'm very annoyed at myself for, though? Yeah. Obviously, Robin's starting reception,

which I don't know which part of the world you're in, but reception is basically the first year of school. And I wanted to be a great mom, and I was like, right, okay, well, his uniform, I ordered it big anyway, so he's got his uniform from last year. Oh, cool, cool. So that's fine.

Just need to get him some new trousers, but that's fine. His shoes he's grown out of, and they've sold out out so don't know what i'm gonna do there white trainers sharpie next question um is pe kit yeah you were meant to order it from the school website great on the first of august because it takes a month to come. Right. Don't know why. I think it's being made in... By hand in a cave. By hand in a cave. By Land's End. And then somebody walks into your house. By hand in a cave by a wizard in Land's

End who then walks it up. And delivers it by hand. Yeah, so I've ordered that today and so he's going to be possibly the only child... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Without the proper uniform for PE whoa, whoa. without the proper uniform for PE. Well, there's the box.

You can go in the box. What's the box? You can go in the box. The PE kit box. The spare PE kit box. You never use the spare PE kit box? On his first week?

Yeah. No. Teach your kid a lesson. Down on earth with a bang. Have a taste of what the real world's like. Eh? Got your kegs?

Go in there. Get in that box there. Right, yeah, them ones. Get them ones out, yeah. Are they your size? Right, yeah. Bang them against the wall to loosen them off because they're rigid with all the scram on them

and then put them on. Not in his first week. I'm sorry. Yeah, honestly, I'm really gutted. I honestly think one of the casualties of COVID-19 is going to be the PE box. This bare PE kit is not going to be there. You can't lend anyone a PE kit anymore.

It's going to be one of the casualties. It's not going to be allowed. No, not at all. Vested knickers. It's going to be vested knickers. First week of school, vested knickers. There we go. I'm going to call him Vesty

for the rest of his time at school. Robin Vesty. Don't, because I'm gutted about it. I feel like I've really let him down. And I feel like I've let myself down. But he can just put some shorts and a T-shirt. One of the bad, John. All the other kids will have the bad, John.

Where are they going? The local field? He's going to be in the school. It's not like his mates are going to go out of school. Who? It's in your class, you know. But he's been sitting next to you. He's not tagged, Chris. He's not got mates are going to go out of school. You go to. I was in your class, you know, but I've just been sitting next to you. He's not tagged, Chris.

He's not got the school colours on. Oh, it's just that. See what I mean? That's another thing. That's like the overnight oats. I'm just not good at this stuff. Yeah, well, I think the whole thing here is you are very, very unorganised. You're unorganised and you also have a massive go at me

when I try and do things straight away. You've got a real strange double-edged sword going on there where you're like, no, leave that when I try and do things straight away you're a real you've got a real strange double-edged sword going on there where you're like no leave that I'll not do it oh I'm too late for that and then I go oh that needs done I'll do it now why are you doing it now just sit and wait three days for no reason well I'll do it now because you know I might as well no just do it just just wait let it do it do you know what's wrong with us we literally have millions of arguments where you say to me why do you need to's the matter with us do you know what's wrong with us we literally have millions of arguments where you say to me

why do you need to do that now and I'm like because it needs to be done and I'm here so I'm going to do it now I know and there's

me 26th of August a month late ordering me beds first ever PA kit skins and shirts you know he's got to be skins he's got to be skins

he never played for shirts he's got to play for skins what skins and shirts excuse me snort horrible snort He's got to be skins. He's got to be skins. You never play for shirts. He's got to play for skins. What? Skins and shirts? Excuse me, snort. Horrible snort.

What? Skins and shirts? So when you used to play football when you were younger, to decide who was on what team, if you were playing football with all your mates, it would be skins and shirts. Because one team would be topless and one person would have their shirts on. Oh, great.

Yeah, just get me tits out. Yeah. Well, not you. Boys. Right, okay. Would you be shirts if that was the case? Never ever heard of that

in my life. Skins and shirts, that's great. I might be naming it wrong, people might be listening to it now, kicking off, but skins and shirts

is what I remember, but then again, I never played football so I'm guessing. I was going to say how did you know? Skins and something. I don't know.

It might not have even been skins. All I'm saying is, one fucking hell, because you didn't all have, you know, unless you're richy rich and your dad's made you and your mates

a five-a-side kit for no fucking reason whatsoever. One lot, skins and tops, it might have been, I'm not sure. So instead of like the little vest,

like the luminous vest that you used to kind of put on in PE. Oh, sorry, this wasn't sanctioned by the school. I'm talking... So this is out of school. Oh, yeah, I'm't sanctioned by the school. I'm talking... So this is out of school. Oh, yeah, I'm not talking like...

All right, I'm thinking... PE teacher wasn't there going, right, Huffy's taking your tops off. Like, I'm not... I am not... All your favourites have got no shirts on, sir. So have all the best looking ones gone on.

I am not... Stop, stop. I'm not saying that at all I meant when you're with your mates in the field fucking hell Rosie I've never heard that in my life and two I genuinely thought you meant at your school and just in my defence your school

has been knocked down you could have played skins and shirts what a great idea I think when a teacher is accused of misconduct I think the normal procedure is to of misconduct, I think the normal procedure is to fire the teacher, not knock the school down.

It's cursed! Knock it down! Do the ritual! Holy water on the site! Get rid! Just fire him. No! Knock it down! Flatten it! Build a house and estate! Fucking idiot. Knocked down. Babadoo babadoo babadoo it down flatten it build a housing estate fucking idiot knocked down

so this is out on friday obviously uh so yesterday we would have been on this morning oh yeah we're doing this morning via skype which is exciting yeah the other day uh we had a research chat so the people ring you and just kind of catch up with you the researchers and stuff and ask you loads of questions so we're doing it via Skype and the guy the lovely guy

what was his name again because he listens to the podcast you know what it is I feel really bad I can't remember his name but he was he's on the Skype

no but he's an absolutely lovely lad and he said he was weirdly a big fan of the podcast he was a researcher but he knew more than us

weirdly he was quoting stuff on the podcast I was like I don't knew more than us weirdly, he was quoting stuff from the podcast I was like I don't remember that episode anyway hello if you're listening but the funny thing was, what I was going to say about it was, you had to give your Skype address didn't you? I did have to give my Skype address

to the researcher this morning and do you want to tell everyone what your Skype address is? No because the whole Skype is your fucking nutter are you stupid addresses? No. Because the whole Skype is your fucking nutter. Are you stupid? Right, so guys. Are you an idiot? So guys, I've basically, I've got an old

Skype address of when I was younger. Right? And it's a bit stupid and it's a bit of a joke. Yeah. It's a bit of a joke and it's a bit, you know, everyone's got like an old, I can tell you my old Hotmail address. What is that? Because everyone's got an old Hotmail,

like an old email. Because that's what this, I saw like a BBC Three thing once. It was like, when you're going for a job interview, get a new email address. Don't be sending like Chav, Chavvy Dave 69 at Hotmail. Loose lips. Yeah, yeah.

Sexy loose lips. My old, when I was in year 11 at school, my old hotmail address was skater underscore Ramsey. Horrible. That's all. And was it with an eight for the A? No, but I missed a trick there. Right.

Well, see, there you go. Oh, my God, I missed a massive trick there. Here's a question for you. Yeah. What would it be now? If you could make up, up like a daft username yeah but it would have to represent your life now right what would it be knackereddad at hotmail.com yeah probably i like that yeah knackereddad um can i just have five

minutes sitting down at hotmail.com yeah I think mine would be always tired at hotmail.com that's a good one yeah yeah mine currently with pregnancy state and everything I think mine would be

big fat pig no not big fat pig roly poly not far off massive but thank you planet that's awful

stop it now no it would be pound of round big the garage let us see it Pound of round? Big... The garage. Let us see it! Sorry. Big nips and thick hips.

That was better than all of mine. Big nips and thick hips. It's like... Fantastic. Yeah, good. Someone's going to take that. Someone's going to take them. Someone's going to take them. They're going to take the Twitter for them and everything.

Can we just pause for a moment and realize that you wanted me to give me Skype address to 40 million people. Because it's hilarious. You don't know how the internet works. I don't know. You don't know how stuff works. Which is very funny because there's been a couple of professional things recently where we've had to give you our Skype and it's the most horrific username.

So when I'm on, when we were on this morning, obviously if it's Friday now, you'll have seen it on Thursday. When we were on this morning, we would have been Skyped through by someone who looked and went, we're going to Skype Chris Ramsey now. What's his address? What a wanker. And then Skyped us.

So yeah, there's that. You know, I like to keep down to earth. I like to keep down to i like to keep down earth yeah he was a skater boy said see you later boy he said skype you later boy so we had another lovely trip in the motorhome didn't we we did what a fantastic time um it was supposed to piss down all week and we avoided the bad weather had a lovely day at Alton Towers big shout out to Alton Towers amazing

and then Longleat Emma Weymouth's Safari Park Longleat Safari Park oh god it was good it was very good specifically the bit where our child

was almost eaten and attacked and killed by two apex predators yeah that was quite good yeah that was fun

it was a really strange mix of emotion what do you mean basically uh dear listener what happened was we went on a safari and when i did strictly i did it with their vicountess emma weymouth good friend of mine royally so that's good it's just the circles i'm rolling you know should say her skype name i'm doing i don't know um basically she sorted us like a full-on amazing like vip jeep experience where you can you get taken around in the zebra jeep by some we had a guy called ian who was a legend who worked there for like 46 years and what happens is on a normal safari you go on the road

but you can come off the roads if the animals are just sitting in the corner ian just fucking takes you right up to where the tigers were and And we were sitting a couple of metres, a few metres, 10 metres away maybe less. Less than that Chris. From the tiger. Yeah. And it was just sitting chilling until it spotted Robin

in the back of the car. And it was such a strange experience because I was so interested and fascinated by this animal but I was very aware that all it was thinking was I'm going to kill your son. I want to eat your child.

It was crazy wasn't it? So it basically saw him moving in the back of the van and it just sort of straightened up a bit. Its head went sort of straight outward and it started doing the shoulder thing. Yeah. Where the sort of go towards, and it was going to attack the car, wasn't it?

It genuinely was. And bless Robin, he's not one of them kids who really gets phased or gets scared. Do you know what I mean? And he was kind of laughing and he's going, what are you doing? And then we were joking, being like, oh, Robin, you kind of want to eat you. And then you just saw his face started really shitting himself.

I was like, we're going to have to move because Robin's genuinely terrified. This isn't very nice. Actually, can we move now? It was that moment where it was like, we kept saying, oh, the animals are going to eat you. We made him have a bath in the morning just because he needed one. He hadn't had one for like three days. But like the animals will smell you and they want to eat you.

And he's like, ha, ha, ha. And then we're like, oh, it wants to eat you, Robin. And he was like, ha, ha. And then he looked and he was like, oh, fuck. And it was just, it was proper. It was so incredible. It was an amazing experience. And it obviously it didn't.

And the place is 100% safe and the guys are amazing. And we did just drive off. But oh my God. Such a weird, weird experience. It was very good. It's time for arguably the worst part of everyone's week. I know it's the worst part of my week. Here we go.

This is Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. E. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. E. Well, I never knew that. Oh, God. You're kidding. A lot.

No way. Yes, way. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Rosie's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. I've got such little respect for this bit, I'm going to have a jelly while it's happening. You arsehole.

You can hear me eating a jelly. Hello and welcome back to Rosie's Mysteries. Back? We've had an interval of a week. Wow, you are nasty. You'll be glad to know, you've got an actual mystery this week. Okay, can I probably take a guess

as to why you've got an actual mystery this week? Is it because when we were on with our dear friend, the producer from this morning, whose name we can't remember, he was a legend. I actually said to him, I said to the guy from this morning on the phone call,

I said, as a producer, what is your opinion on Rosie's Mysteries as a segment? And he said, do you want me honest opinion? And we said yes. I didn't say yes. I said, are we all right?

And he went, oh, I like the theme tune. Said it lacked a bit of content. Lacked a bit of content. So, hey, listen, I can take constructive criticism. Okay? So this is an actual mystery. Oh, shit.

And we need to solve this. Okay. So here we go. Dear Rosie and Chris. Oh. Yeah, it's a full-on mystery. So someone sent word mystery A mystery, she needs it solved

Okay Me and my boyfriend are big fans of the podcast And thought you might be interested in a little lockdown mystery That happened a few weeks ago Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries Please keep us Anonymous That was the worst whistling I've ever heard

Excuse me, I think you'll find you're the worst whistler ever I'm a good whistler It's one of me beefs actually It's in the thing somewhereonymous. That was the worst whistling I've ever heard. Excuse me. I think you'll find you're the worst whistler ever. I'm a good whistler. It's one of me beefs, actually. It's in the thing somewhere. When you walk around the house whistling, it sounds like a fucking kettle. I hate it.

That's what whistles... Kettles whistle. Yeah, but not in tune. They just go... Screaming through pursed lips. Anyway, come on. On with your tripe. My boyfriend is currently with me

in my family during Rona. Right. Fucking Rona. We are both in our early slash mid-twenties and have been dating for almost two years. Brackets for context. With us at home are my parents and my 18-year-old brother. Got you.

The other night mid-floor... Floor play. Floor play? Foreplay. Foreplay. 18 year old brother got you the other night mid flow floor play floor play floor play floor play but I said for some reason I said floor play well first you said

floor mid floor did I which I didn't know I don't know if it was rapping in the booth flowing but then

floor play I don't know what that was but yeah it's floor play but on the floor right mid floor play well all of them

brother and everyone no just her and him great they're brave so you're locked down with your full family I know Foreplay, but on the floor. Right. Mid foreplay. Well, all of them. Brother and everyone. No, just her and him. Just her and him. Great. They're brave. So you're locked down with your full family. I know. And, oh, no.

So the other night, mid foreplay, he asked if I wanted to grab one of my vibrators. I have two that we use. Right. Is this creating some suspense? It's just weird. We opened the bedside drawer they are kept in, but they were nowhere to be found.

Oh, God. We started freaking out... Turn that off. ...and pulling apart my room, trying to find them. Turn that off. It's freaking us out. That's what Rosie's Mysteries is all about. Right, okay. After almost 30 minutes of looking

and worried that someone in the house had had for some reason took them, he opened one of his drawers and found them both lying there i knew for certain i'd not put them there and he claims he didn't either however the last time we'd used one of them was quite a few days before and since then i knew that he'd been very drunk and gone into the same drawer that they were kept to find his cigarettes i think that drunk him thought it would be funny to hide the vibrators just for the lols. He denies this, but the other option is that

someone in my family has been snooping in my room and messing with us. We'd love to hear your guys' opinion on what may have happened, or maybe we have a ghost. That is a mystery. So what do you think happened? I think you should immediately turn that vibrator sound off

because that was the worst. You've got 30 seconds. I've got 30 seconds. Off you go. Well, I've got 30 seconds to answer that. But is there an answer? So I've got 30 seconds to guess. Yes.

Well, this is my... I think, possibly, he may have put them in the wrong drawer while drunk or he might have got them out and had a blast on his own right while drunk got them out had a blast on his own okay but it's possible more possible that a family member who cleans the room moved them right and i'm telling you what now if you think that they're not it's that one if you think your family members don't know where your vibrators are you're fucking wrong they know exactly where they are so you go with family members case closed family member case closed

great well done and there's no answer there is no answer pointless this is the worst it's the worst segment of anything ever

god I think I'm gonna stick to truth of day true or false true or false you can't even talk oh Chris I'm pregnant and I'm so tired.

And I'm just, I don't know what's happening with my body and my life. And I'm just... Oh, God. Good God. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef, you little beef and little bastard. That's where Barry came from, isn't it? That's where he arrived, isn't it? That's where Barry came from that's where he arrived

long long time long long time ago I can still remember what's your beef? my beef this week is you keep talking to me but I can't hear what you're saying and you keep saying you're going deaf

and I say to you, you mumble like a motherfucker death yeah and i say to you you mumble like a motherfucker and i can't understand what you do i'm a loud person yeah when you want to be sitting in the front of that van or in the front of the car or just in the house you're a little and i can't hear what you're saying i think you're going to death i think in your ears i am not going deaf. Listen, I'm going to get my ears cleaned on Friday, right? You've told us 25 times. Oh, you heard that, did you?

Huh? Heard that? I think you've got selective hearing, right? And I think you look at your phone, and I think you don't listen properly, or you're going deaf. I'm not a mumbler. I'm a very loud person.

I've been told off every single fucking teacher I've ever had in my life that I'm loud and I never shut up, right? Everyone knows I'm loud. I'm a very loud person. I've been told off every single fucking teacher I've ever had in my life that I'm loud and I never shut up. Everyone knows I'm loud. I'm loud as fuck. Me tour manager says when he's soundchecking us that I'm the loudest person he's ever soundchecked. And he soundchecked Al Murray and he says I'm even louder than Al Murray. I'm horrendously loud. I'm a very loud person. You're

just fucking A, ignorant, B, ignoring us, or C, your ears are manky and they need a cleaning. Now I'm going on Friday, it's your birthday coming up on Sunday right? I'll treat you get your ear wax cleaned out because I'm going to get mine done.

This is the thing right? I've never had that done. Well there we go. You talk about getting your ears cleaned like you're blooming making a cake. I don't understand this.

They make too many ears make too much wax man it's manky. Oh that's vile. It's horrible to have to get it like sucked out but afterwards it's amazing you can hear people's thoughts

and stuff. Yeah it's amazing you You can hear people's thoughts and stuff. Yeah, it's amazing. You can hear everything afterwards. Do you genuinely think any of them cleaned? Probably. Possibly. I'm not sure. I do use a lot of conditioner.

What's that got to do with it? Well, it might have gone in my ears. Why just conditioner? Why not other stuff? I don't put anything else near me ears, do I? What about shampoo? But that's not thick. What do you mean? Conditioner's

quite thick. You think your ears are full of conditioner? I don't know. Possibly. I don't know. I do use a lot of conditioner. Do you know what I mean, though? I condition my hair, and that could run into my ears. Right.

When you put water in your ears in the shower so if you turned your head on the side and there's water going in your ear what would happen? I don't know.

It would not be here for a second and then if you tilt your hair would all the water come straight back out? No it gets stuck in there quite a lot. Right yeah you've got wax in. You need to get them

really? Yeah. Is it nice? Fucking amazing. Does it feel good after? Hurts a little bit and it's really loud. Right okay.

Because it's like a really tiny little hoover and it's right in your ear and sometimes, which is the worst, sometimes a little bit of wax goes half across the opening and makes it like... Oh, no, I wouldn't like that. Right inside your head. I wouldn't enjoy that.

My eyes water while it's happening, but afterwards... Oh, Chris. No, I wouldn't like that. It's like a superpower afterwards. You can hear everything. It's like eating a bit of tinfoil by accident. You ever done that before?

No. Have you never, ever ate a bit of foil by accident no i make sure all wrapping is off my food i don't just tear into it like a fucking bear well and just go for it i make sure all the wrapping and stuff is off it's the worst worst feeling in the world eating a bit of foil oh my word maybe i haven't got that many i've only got two fillings it's just horrific really oh's awkward I've never experienced I can't believe you've never ate foil

you've never lived yeah get this down here like by accident on a piece so if there's a bit of food and there's foil on there by accident I've done it loads

no well no but that's again there's the difference between you and me I'll open the foil and I'll make sure it's all gone but you will

you probably you probably don't even open the foil by the bit that it's folded all gone but you will literally you probably you probably don't even open the foil by the bit that it's folded on do you you probably just rip the top bit like a fucking like a bear

going into a picnic am I right well no it's not like it hasn't been on a sandwich or something I'm talking like maybe it's on a Kit Kat or something

do you know what I mean it's such a different colour how can you rewire I don't know anyway I've ate foil loads right and you know and this goes back to preparation

and take more care when you're doing things. Right. Thank you, grandad. Because you're eating file left, right and centre and you're bloody them oats. They'll never get bloody overnighted. Whatever the adjective is there. Done.

What a done. My beef with you this week is, right, you are currently refusing outright to be my drinking buddy. And I've had enough of it. Rosie, I'm sick of drinking on my own. I'm fed up with it. Chris, I'm bragging. No excuse.

Absolutely no excuse. I'm sick. Every night in that motorhome, I sat outside on my own drinking. Part two of me beef, by the way. You don't leave that motorhome i sat outside on my own drinking part two of me beef by the way you don't leave the motorhome right we pull up people must think i'm away on my own and you know what i was sitting there the other week right do you remember when we're away the first time in the motorhome and we pulled up onto the place in harrogate and everyone came up and said oh lovely motorhome and i seen how nice it was and then a bigger yeah and then a bigger much better one pulled up next to it and everyone made a point of coming oh, lovely motorhome and they're saying how nice it was. And then a bigger, yeah, and then a bigger, much better one

pulled up next to it. Oh, yeah. And everyone made a point of coming back and telling me that I was shit now compared to that one. That was nice. Thanks, everyone.

And I remember the man and the kid got out and did a few things and I just see the shadow of a woman moving around inside like a horror film and I was like, oh, look at her,

she never leaves. And then I realised the other day, that's you. You don't set foot out of that motorhome. I like just puttering on inside. It's fucking weird. Everyone must think I'm there on my own. and then I realised the other day, that's you. You don't set foot out of that mode at home. I like just puttering on inside. It's fucking weird.

Everyone must think I'm there on my own. I sit outside on my own drinking because you won't join us. Selfish, antisocial. Not allowed. Antisocial. And then, yeah, everyone's just like, oh, look at him. Oh, no, look, there's a shadow of a woman moving around in there, but she never leaves.

She looks lovely, though, doesn't she? No, she doesn't. Look at that. Svelte figure. Oh, look at her through the fly net. I just like staying inside. Don't tell me how to enjoy me motorhome. Honestly, you're like a little motorhome hermit. You don't come out.

Well, maybe I'm a little bit jealous of you sitting outside drinking. You'll come sit outside? Who doesn't have a drink? I'm not allowed. Just stupid. Fed up, mate. Sorry. I know you can't. I'll be back soon. I do miss me little drinking buddy, do thought about that? I'm outside. Who doesn't have a drink? I'm not allowed. Just stupid. Fed up, mate. Sorry. I know you can't.

I'll be back soon. I do miss me little drinking buddy. Do you know that? I know. I miss you too. I miss me little drinking buddy. Drinking on me own. Now, I go out with Carl Hutchinson.

I try and keep up with him and I end up bedridden for two days because he drinks like it's gone out of fashion. Drinks like a pool filter. Water, just liquid just flying through him just like a fucking basking shark but start coming out

of the motorhome it's keep weird I sit outside on my own you know the worst bit is I always put the three chairs out and you and Robin don't come out and I sit there

with two empty chairs next to us like a right wanker I'm not coming out honestly I'm expecting someone to walk past and go nice cheers

got any mates for them nice cheers Billy absolutely sick of it babadoo babadoo babadoo bah will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever

join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH the centre for addiction and mental health to support life saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

The Impeder's Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for questions from the public. And the queues from the pews and the queues from the queues and the public. As always, guys, thank you so much for all of your wonderful, wonderful emails. If you want to get in touch, it's shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. Send us anything you actually want. We'll love it and this week

Rosie's done the question so I get to sit back and judge send us anything you want except from the people who keep asking

me to do adverts on Instagram for chin bloody them strap things I didn't know this was happening

true story this is great so people keep sending emails asking you to do adverts for chin straps to make your

chin smaller you know how I jokingly did it one time on Instagram I bought one as a joke to try it out this is great so people keep sending you emails asking you to do adverts for chin straps to make your chin smaller wow you know how I jokingly did it one time on Instagram I bought one as a joke to try it out

realised this is a crock of shit people have been sending us loads of emails to do an advert for them and I'm like

no I'm alright thank you oh I didn't know that that's made me very happy yeah there's loads

that's very good anyway hi Rosie Inquiries why can't hey what is 20 weeks preggers That's made me very happy. Yeah. There's loads. That's very good. Anyway. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Why can't we? What is this? 20 weeks, preggers. And I've just... I think I've lost about a thousand brain cells.

A thousand brain cells? Is that a lot or not? I don't think so. Oh, God. I think you've got millions and millions and millions. I've lost a lot. Anyway. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

I have a question for you. Since the start of lockdown, I've... God lot. Anyway. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a question for you. Since the start of lockdown, I've... God. I know. I've been speaking to this guy from Bumble on Snapchat. What?

Bumble. Is Bumble a place? I think Bumble is an online dating thing. Right. For kicking it with the kids. Right. I think it's a bit younger and cooler than Tinder. Bumble?

Mm-hmm. I think it's been going for a while. Sounds weird. Bumble? She met him on Bumble, but now she's talking to him on Snapchat. Is that better? Dunno.

Am I... Am I 93 years old? I think so. I don't know. See, on Bumble, my day, Bumble's flowers and bees and honey and sweet tooth i had a sweet tooth i used to podcast i it's jellies like then snap snapchat and fuck off i don't

know what's going on i didn't think you could talk on snapchat i just thought it was pictures i don't know what it is i know that people send each other a lot of dick things and yeah vagina photos and there's a lot of porn going on snapchat is there well i know that one time the snapchat account tweeted, you know we see all your snaps, right? Question mark. And everyone was like, oh. Yeah, so I think it's just like...

Ew. I think people just send their willies to everyone. Oh, God. But it's okay because it disappears after five seconds, so it doesn't count, still counts. You can screenshot them, can't you? You can indeed. Ew.

Ew. Anyway, things have been going well well but we haven't met yet as i've been shielding up until recently his family are from another part of the uk but he works locally to me northwest london okay he has gone back home these last two weeks and has been posting on his snapchat stories him spending time with his family. Okay. Now, I know what you're thinking. This sounds fine. And so it does. I was crushing that bit harder, knowing that he also has a good relationship with his family.

Right. I think that means she was just, she really liked him. Fancy him a bit more. Is that a thing that women care about? What? Like, oh, I like him. And, oh, look, he's nice with his family. That's a thing.

Yeah, it is an important thing, I think. Really? Yeah. That's really weird. Well, you don, look, he's nice with his family. That's a thing. Yeah, it is an important thing, I think. Really? That's really weird. Well, you don't want someone who's addicted to their family, do you? Men don't care about that shit. Not in these stages. No way. But that's weird.

So lads don't care if a girl gets out? No, they probably don't. No. No, not as far as... No. Stop eating squashies while we're bloody doing the podcast. Swallow it now. No, I don't think any...

No. All right, mate. Oh, yeah. I've seen this last... Oh, yeah. Snapchat. Oh, you're doing your naked photos. Oh, yeah.

A couple. Oh, you're going to meet up with her. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good stuff. Yeah. Also, she seems to have a really good relationship with her dad.

What? You know, like her and her dad, like she took her dad out. I think that's like a nice quality look for. I'm going to go home, mate. This is... This night out's got really weird. Why are you doing this? Do you know what I mean?

It's just not... It's not something that a lad would say to someone. I'm not... I hope I'm not generalising here. But I just... It's very interesting. It's interesting that she said that. It's a really lovely thing.

See, as a female, as a female perspective, I don't know if you would say it out loud, but I think you'd think it. I think you'd go oh he gets on dead canny with his mum and his dad I think it would be nice

well she hasn't said it out loud she's sent it to us she's written it there which is fair enough it's like an internal monologue isn't it but all I'm saying is

literally I don't know anyone who would find that a thing it might just be because I just know hang around with a load of bastards

or people who don't care. But I just don't think as a man. It's interesting. It is interesting. This is where we might differ, Chris. Well. You know what I mean? Well.

It's important to me. So she was crushing that bit harder knowing that he got on with his family. Lovely. Until today. He told me that he was meeting up with his gran for lunch and was excited as he hadn't seen her in a while. Sweet.

Okay. Imagine my surprise slash horror when he puts a picture on his stories of her with the caption, date with the gilf. Oh, that's just a joke. Well, I know. So she's put,

now I'm assuming he must know what the elf bit stands for and therefore must be that bit too close with his family. Oh, brilliant. Fucking typical woman. This is horrible. Oh, I'm crushing on him. He likes getting on with his family. Oh, no, I've decided it's too much.

He's joking. He's joking about his now. I hate the world. Oh, I'm so annoyed. So, yeah. So hate the world. Oh, I'm so annoyed. So, yeah. So if you don't know, Gilf, it comes from milf, which is from American Pie.

I think American Pie was the first people to do it. It might have been a thing before American Pie, but it was a mom I'd like to fuck. So Gilf is obviously a granddad or granny I'd like to fuck. Yeah. But that's a joke. Well, she's put, would you take it as a bad joke, like I'm hoping it is, or should I run whilst I have the chance? Oh, yeah, no, it that's a joke well she's put would you take it as a bad joke

like I'm hoping it is or should I run whilst I have the chance oh yeah no it's not a joke and he's fucking his nana of course it's a joke

you idiot I don't think it's a joke I think he's genuinely having a little bit of an affair with his gran anyway and she did email again

and said hi would just like to follow this email up with an update oh wow which I like that. Thank you.

Organised. Amazing. So things have been busy for me at work the past week or so, so we haven't been talking as much. I then go to Snapchat him yesterday, and the message was showing as pending. The boy had blocked me on everything with no warning. I'd like to stress that both of us are in our 20s, him 24, me 22,

so I'm honestly just a bit annoyed, brackets furious, that he's decided to end it this way rather than talk to me face to face. You know what's happened? What? He's left her for his nana. His nana's got jealous.

Listen, love, if we're going to make this a thing, I want you to block all your other lasses on Snapchat, on Bumble, on Trumbull, love, if we're going to make this a thing, I want you to block all your other lasses on Snapchat, on Bumble, on Trumbull, Tinder, Winder, Grindr, Schneider. There's plenty of fish, plenty more fish. Where there's originals, where there's unoriginals. Black bullets.

What's that? They're hard sweet. That me granddad used to eat oh right okay in front of his car oh it sounded like a really dodgy date now do you know what

something's just reminded me of what just talking about I mean horrible horrible segue because you know my nana's still alive

yeah and she's lovely my grandad sadly isn't but I just had a little memory there because i said black bullets in the front of my granddad's car he did always have black bullets in there i do remember them yeah and like a white and black tin i think yeah beautiful anyway do you know what else he had in his car well he had because obviously i'm from a catholic family and in his little fiat punto his little orange orange fiat punto, right? Had this, like it was Jesus' like hand, but it was like a little statue of it.

Right? He had a statue of Jesus' hand? No, it was just, it was very small. It was probably the size of your thumb. Okay. Okay. And it was Jesus' hand. It had like a rosary bead around it.

Right, okay. All right? Yeah. And I remember, I just remember on numerous occasions, I don't know why this is stuck in my head. I remember being out with my whole family at a picnic or something, right? And there not being a spoon or a knife.

Fuck off. And we use that. That's no way. To butt us out. That is, I mean, I'm not even massively religious and I'm offended by that. I use that little Jesus hand to put us on it.

That is terrible. More than once. That's why that memory is in my head. I think that's in me mum's car now. Fishes and loaves and that, you know, making the most of it. I think Jesus would be proud. Honestly, at first, when you said a statue of Jesus' hand, I thought you meant, like, full size.

Like, full size. Like, life size. Just, like, a hand. Like, what's that? Oh, it's me, Jesus' hand replica. Why is it in your glove box? I get you. Right.

With your black bullets. Anyway, come on. Pass the hummus. Pass the little... The hummus of Christ. Hummus? The hummus of Christ. Oh, no, not your family.

From South Wales? Oh, not your family at all. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Whilst listening to the podcast last week, it reminded me of a story I was told about potentially the worst best man at a wedding that I thought you would find interesting. It's important to know that this isn't my story,

but one I was told by a friend that was working as a caterer at the wedding. It's just too good not to share. The wedding was huge and had been booked in a fancy marquee on a golf course in Essex. No expenses spared by the loving parents of the bride to be. My friend who was working as part of the catering team was just doing their job as required until it came to the traditional speeches where they were instructed to stand at the back. At that point, the father of the bride stood up and started making his speech, which was all about how wonderful his daughter is

and how happy they are for the newlywed couple, as it should be. Nice. As he comes to the end, he looks over at the couple and says, we have one final gift for you two, two around the world tickets for you both to enjoy as your honeymoon.

Wow. I know. Holy shit. Not bad, that is it, around the world. Bloody Essex for you, they've got your honeymoon wow holy shit that is it around the world bloody essex for you they got a few quid down there i know is that still a thing around the world tickets well i mean i hope they're stopping off i hope it's not just yeah there's a massive plane journey 47 hours you're getting off in syd you're getting straight back on, and you're coming back the other way around. Hope you like plain food, motherfucker. Wait, like, where would you go on an around the world trip?

Because that would take a long time. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's a bit of a stupid thing to say, isn't it? Well, I imagine if it's, I mean, it's probably a show-offy thing. It's probably if he has two around the world tickets, but it's probably, if I was going to go around the world, I imagine you would go somewhere in Europe, then maybe Dubai

or Shanghai or somewhere around there, Asia. Then you'd probably go maybe Japan, then Australia, New Zealand, then a couple of places in America and then back. But that's not around the world. This is a very silly... What, do you want to walk around with a trundle

wheel? Well I just don't think you should just measuring it I don't think you should see it an around the world trip I think that's so outdated it's very bullseye isn't it yeah

it's like you'd win it on bullseye yeah like it's it's 90s game show and a generation game an around the world trip yeah

it's just not a thing might have been a cruise that would make more sense might have been a cruise you'd go a more sense. Might have been a cruise. You'd go a lot more places. Yeah. Yeah. It just annoyed us a bit.

I just. Are you just jealous because we can't fly anywhere? Are you just jealous? Is that what it is? No. No. I just think

I've got you an around the world ticket for you and your partner around the world. Oh God. Where are we going? Around the world. But where?

Exactly. No. Just around the world. Right. Okay? No, just around the world. Right? Okay, great. Can't wait. Stupid, stupid. Anyway, the wedding guests were so touched by this

and the bride burst into tears, thanking her parents for such a generous gift that she really wasn't expecting because she's never been around the world. The groom said, where specifically around the world? Stop, stop clapping, everyone. You stop crying, dry your eyes.

Where specifically? Dave, Dave, where? Where we're stopping? Do we need injections? Do we need injections? Around the world, you're going to need some sort of injections. It's very vague.

It's very vague. It's really... I actually hadn't really noticed it the first time I read this. But the second time round, I'm really annoyed by that stupid present. You know that them parents, all their mates will be at that wedding.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they've paid for it. They've invited all of their stupid mates. And he stood up and went, around the world. Yeah, everyone's clapped. It's a golf course in Essex. of the stupid mates and he stood up and went around the world yeah everyone's clapped it's a golf course

in Essex there will be no fewer than 100 white Range Rovers outside with personalised regs I guarantee it that's really

irritating me will you just calm down anyway around the world it's 2020 people know people have got

phones with accessible maps on. It's not like back in the 70s when you go around the world, everyone would go, around the world? We're going to Italy? Like, people know what the world's like now. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Silly. Very silly. Flat Earth has to be furious as well. Exactly. Can't go around the flat Earth. Can't. As the father of the bride gave the travel vouchers over to the groom vouchers that's i get more annoyed at every

i'm sorry to revisit it again but i get more annoyed at every single right right right where we're going now right this is this is australia have you got the australia new zealand voucher gary oh god where is it oh handed that that in on the last leg of the trip. Oh, God, we're stranded. How many countries is there in the world? Oh, yeah. Hundreds? What a stupid thing to say.

They're not going to every country. I'm sorry, but no, then don't stand up at a wedding and go, for your honeymoon, you're going around the world. No, you're not. You've got a few places. For your honeymoon, you know what we've done? We've really kindly,

we've booked you a lovely little island hopping trip and they're a surprise of where you're going. Take away around the world your fucking bellend. I'm sorry.

I hate him. I hate him. I just... I hate him. If you stood up, if you bought our kids at the wedding day, right,

say we're doing really well and you bought them and were like, right, okay, Say we're doing really well. And you'd bought them. I'm like, right, okay. Where would they like to go? They've always wanted to go to India. Okay, well, and then maybe on the way back, they could go there. Right, okay. You wouldn't stand up and say, we've bought you some tickets around the world.

Well, Rosie, I will now. Don't you dare remember this. I'm telling you. Don't you dare. Every event now, someone is going to get an around the world ticket from me. Or the people's weddings. I'm telling you don't you dare every event now someone is going to get an around the world ticket from me or the people's weddings

I'm going to be like miles at the back like friend of a friend work colleagues like ding ding ding ding ding and I'll just stand up and go thank you so you don't know me

Chris this is my wife Rosie guys I know we haven't known each other I've got you a week from us right

it's over there on the table vouchers around the world I know we haven't known each other. I've got you a week from us, right? It's over there on the table. Vouchers. Around the world. Oh, don't, because you will, and I'll be so annoyed. Anyway.

It's very good. Oh, I'm so annoyed. So, the father of the brides give his stupid travel vouchers over. Southern Hemisphere and Northern Hemisphere. Both. All the way around.

North to south around, like the poles are around the middle. All of it. All of it. You're going in a hot air balloon around the world in 90 days.

What's around the world in 80 days why are they stopping off around the world in 90 days is that it coronavirus you can't go around the world in 80 days anymore it's 90 you've got a queue two meters apart you've got to stop you've got to be two meters apart from the other air balloons. It takes ages. What the hell? Is it 80 days? I thought it was 90 days. We're on the world in 80 days. No, what are you watching? You'll be watching the slow one.

Did you have on half speed like when people put this podcast on? Probably, probably. So anyway, the story, Chris. The groom stood up to do his speech. He started with the normal thanks to everyone that came, but then suddenly the mood changed and he turned to his wife, father-in-law and the best man who sat beside them and said, I would like to thank you for these most amazing tickets

around the stupid world. Great. I didn't say that. However, I am pretty sure they are best suited for my wife and best man who have been having an affair behind my back all this time. Fuck off. Yeah. You are joking.

Apparently so. There was a stunned silence and a look of horror from the bride and the best man as their secret had been revealed. My friend, who was standing at the back with the other caterers, just looked at each other, not knowing what to do. Jesus! At that moment, the bride got up and ran out, chased behind by her parents and the best man. The groom, on the other hand, just stood there, held up his glass and said, Cheers everyone!

And sat down again to what seemed to be a well-fulfilled plan of his wow all in shock of what had just happened in front of them my friend asked his caterer manager what they should do she turned around and just said um carry on as normal i guess so as instructed all the catering staff walked around clearing plates and topping up glasses, wine and champagne. Amazingly, some of the guests even stayed. And as the DJ was already set up, the groom asked him to continue. I've got to respect that.

I respect that very much. The last little bit, it says, it turns out that the groom had found out a couple of days before the wedding but instead of cancelling everything thought it would be much more of a payback to reveal everything after they had got married. God motherfucker that is good. Would you do that? That is good. No.

I need to do things immediately. I would have found out I would have done something immediately. Whatever I would have done it would have been instantaneous. I'm very reactionary. Because if you had found that out how could you have stood at the altar and done it all like that's quite i don't get me wrong i mean she's obviously in the wrong having an affair with the best man whatever but that's quite callous i think of him as well as her why is she still going through why do people still go through weddings that's's crazy, well yeah, like we've heard loads of things of people cheating on people on stag do's and

hen do's and on this podcast. With the best men and ushers and all that. Yeah, yeah. It's very cliche, it's very around the world. Do you think? It's very around the world. I'm starting to believe this isn't true actually. I think stranger things will have happened, yeah.

I think caterer stories would be interesting you right i guarantee you everyone at that wedding about the groom all day we're like oh he's nervous isn't he because you can get away with being fucking weird on a day like that if you're not a performer do you know what i mean yeah you can i've seen people shit in their pants on their wedding yeah shit in the car lutchinson was really nervous on his wedding and he is a performer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So all day the guy could have been like, and he could have just been, oh, he's not being himself,

you know, he's a bit nervous. And then boom, he drops out. And I bet he was proper fucking chilled after that. Do you think? Wow. That's so grim. Them poor caterers. Just storms out.

Cheers, everyone. Red or white? Red or white, sir? Or champagne? Here's another question. Would you stay at the wedding? red or white red or white sir or champagne here's another question would you stay at the wedding what course were we on well you'd been finished

your food by then is coffee still coming probably DJ set up I'm all in for the DJ got a babysitter for the night oh there'll be no first dance

yeah I'd probably stay for a bit yeah I'd stay for a bit I'll have a wedding mate yeah yeah I'd probably go and make sure. Yeah, I'll probably stay for a bit. Yeah, I'll stay for a bit. I'll have a wedding, mate. Yeah, yeah. I'd probably go and make sure he was all right. I'd probably go to see the groom and say, oh, yeah, I read.

And I'd go outside for a cigarette, even though I don't smoke, but I'd specifically get a cigarette so I could go and stand and see what was happening in the car park with them guys. Would you buy the around the world tickets off the father-in-law? I'd need a lot of questions.

There'd be a lot of questions. I'd literally go, would you show us on a map where these go? And then I'll consider it. Would you dress him down publicly in the car park and tell him that it's not actually around the world because that's impossible and it would take you years? Not on that day. Oh, yeah, he's got all that stuff going on.

He's busy, I suppose. I'm not going to kick a guy while he's down. The next morning, maybe. all this money you've wasted by the way can I just tell you that your whole presence is a load of bullshit as well mate cheers now stop crying now stop consoling your daughter

look there's google maps on my phone look technically it's impossible right have they not got a job does your daughter work does he work I mean it's a very presumptuous gift.

I mean, to properly go around the world, it would, yeah, years. Yeah, it would be... You're getting back when you're 70. I'd be quite annoyed if someone bought... I mean, I wouldn't because it would be lovely, but if somebody bought you a holiday, you'd be like, well, when's it booked for?

And they'd go, well, this day. You'd go, well, I can't. I've got a meeting at work that day. This was a really inconsiderate gift. Why didn't you ask us? Speaking of inconsiderate gifts, you've just reminded me of something. What?

Oh, my God. What? So I was talking to someone the other day, right, who said for their wedding, they were given two hamsters. Oh, that's horrible.'s terrible didn't we have someone didn't we have someone the podcast who was given two birds yes that's the one I personally know I don't say who it is but I got that sportsman

they do you said they got said for they got given for their for their wedding to have children no they got given two hamsters and one of two hamsters. Did they have children? No. They got given two hamsters, and one of the hamsters ate the other hamster. That's awful. You don't give pets as presents. Worst present ever. That's horrific.

Horrible. Would you rather have the hamsters or the round-the-world trip? Hamsters. Yeah, me too. Hi, Rosie and Chris Hello I think I have a story

that needs to be shared and seeing as you guys don't shy away from any gross I thought this would be the perfect place to share Wonderful Please keep me in on Yes

It's not that gross but that's fine I'll be the judge of that Let's go It's not It's not gross at all Anyway

I was seeing this guy Sorry, I was practising That's fine. I'll be the judge of that. Let's go. It's not. It's not gross at all. Anyway. I was seeing this guy. Sorry, I was practising. I was seeing this guy. I used the term seeing loosely. Shagging. I'm guessing so, yeah. Cool.

And we ended up getting an Uber to his after a night out in the Toon that ended up in Powerhouse. I can't really remember much of the night, but I do remember being waking up fairly promptly the next morning as he had family coming up to see him we hadn't been saying each other very long but he offered me eggs for breakfast which i thought was really sweet oh that's quite nice isn't it yeah walking up like oh sorry you're gonna have to go i've got my family coming around what would you like some eggs for breakfast? How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with a curse.

I like mine in a hurry before your family get here. I don't find that nice at all. I don't find that nice at all. I find, are you hungover, Sly? You don't have a bean out? Wake up, wake up. Right, my family are coming. Right, inhale these eggs, then fuck off.

And eggs is not the greatest. Actually, yeah, you're right. Eggs, why just eggs? I'd rather have a sausage sandwich. I think we're a couple of miserable bastards. I think we are. We've turned down so far a trip around the world, eggs on a morning and two hamsters.

Yeah. Yeah. Hate them all. She thinks it's very sweet. Okay very good. He asked how many I wanted and I just said one. Was not in a good state and didn't want to have anything too risky. So she just wants one egg. That's the saddest breakfast in the world. It's really weird.

It gets worse. Whilst you disappeared to make the eggs, I wondered what you'd come back with. Oh, poached egg, a nice greasy fried egg sandwich, maybe scrambled eggs if he was being fancy. It was none of these. I just worked out what he came back with. Right. It was none of these. Instead, he out what he came up with. It was none of these. Instead, he presented to me a single egg,

with the shell on, in a Bolognese stained tuck-away box. I laughed, thinking it was just a raw egg, and he said, careful, it'll be hot. It's as hot as an egg. That's funny. Turns out he'd hard-boiled me an egg

and expected me to eat it on the way out of the door and bite into it as you would an apple. I told you. I fucking called it. I called it. Eat this egg and fuck off. Eat it like an apple. I called it, eat this egg and fuck off.

Eat it like an apple. She's going to look like a head case getting on the bus with a Tupperware box with a hard-boiled egg rattling around in it. And then she's going to be the worst person ever for eating a freshly fucking hard-boiled egg on the bus. Walk of shame. Awful. I'm not being funny. I love a hard-boiled egg, right?

It's actually one of my favourite ways to eat eggs. Right. But I do I love a hard-boiled egg, right? It's actually one of my favourite ways to eat eggs. Right. But I do not enjoy a hard-boiled egg the morning after a session on the drink. It would be... On its own. It would be the last thing I would go to. That's, honestly, just the texture alone.

Walk of shame with a little bolognese staying tucked away with an egg in. Hey, I tell you what. Honestly, again... Romance isn't dead just you are so lucky you found me you see what's out there have you seen what's out there there's another little bit here so but this wasn't the worst part oh no he then proceeded to show me how he has a quick breakfast to go in the morning i watched in horror as he peeled the eggshell, popped the entire egg against his lips,

and in one swift suck, I saw it lodged in his throat, before he hit himself in the chest multiple times to get it to slither down him. Safe to say it was the last time we ever saw one another so this poor girl or boy who's who's stayed at this guy's house has been rushed out of bed because the family are coming he has an egg in a box but before you go watch my party trick i'm gonna fucking swallow this egg whole so he sucks it into his mouth like a snake. Hits himself in the chest to get it down. He's going to die.

He's going to one day it's not going to go down. I think I genuinely I think this has been premeditated. And I think this bloke's up right. I'm going to impress him. And I'm going to be like do you want an egg yeah but i'll be like look this is how you eat an egg and it's his party trick to just choke on an egg but then make him all right by chitting his chest

do you want an egg careful it'll be hot race yeah can you imagine just watching someone who you don't know that very well, who you possibly just shagged, do that? You'd be gutted, wouldn't you? You'd be like, whatever I've done. What is me life? Hi, Nursia. Oh, hi, Nursia.

Fan of the podcast. I have been a... I don't want to get this wrong, hang on. Gastrointestinal nurse for 10 years. Okay. And I enjoyed last week's story as removal of foreign object. This is from a... I don't... I think this is from a while ago.

Sorry. I enjoyed last week's story of removal of foreign object. That could be any week. It could be. I don't know when that's from. Could be any week on Shagbard Annoys. I can't remember. So as you're seeing here,

the removal of a foreign object is a procedure I've encountered many a time. Got you. The cucumber and vibrator made me think of some of my faves. There we are. Sorry, should have. Should have just read on. Unbelievable.

Sorry about that. One such incident was a night shift, as these things often are. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Them foreign objects only come out at night. If you're going in at two in the afternoon

with a vibrator stuck up your arse, I mean, get a job. What are you doing? True. I got handed over a 31-year-old bloke who presented to A&E with anal and abdominal pain, which, upon coaxing by the doctor, was upgraded to foreign object

in rectum. Gee whiz. I love that word. Rectum. Do you? I do. Rectum. Do you think it's quite nice? Not nice, but it's rectum. Stop saying it. Apparently, he would not, under any circumstances,

tell anyone what had happened. He hardly spoke, and he circumstances, tell anyone what had happened. He hardly spoke. And he was in hospital alone as his girlfriend was at home looking after their toddler. Good God. Jeez. We were forbidden from telling her anything. Secret. Secret shove-a.

That's what he is. Secret shove-a. He managed to communicate somehow that his bum hurt, and upon assessment it was clear to the doctors that they would need an X-ray and a surgical opinion due to the mysterious object stuck inside of him. I know. He had an X-ray and was sent to my ward to be prepared for theatre.

The surgeon came to update me as I was getting nothing from the man. Obviously my first question was, what is it? To which the doctor replied, have you seen the x-ray? It's great. We think it's perfume. Oh God!

Now, I'm not trained to read x-rays but this one was supreme. It was very obviously a bottle of perfume oh my word and you could see the outline of the lid oh no the guy had shoved it up there with the lid end first like an idiot oh it'll be nipping and everything oh god i looked at the x-ray for a second and said that's flower by Kenzo. Not anymore, it's not.

So, and she said, I bet you're a tenner. That's flour by Kenzo. Right. He risked perforating his bowel, which would have resulted in serious infection and a stoma bag. I'm not sure if there's any risk in absorbing perfume in your rectum, but I can't imagine it's all that healthy.

There was also the risk of the bottle breaking, which, as you can imagine, would be a very bloody situation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. A bottle of perfume, of all things. It's not even... It's not even folic-shaped. Do you know of all things. It's not even, it's not even Folic shaped. Do you know what I mean? It's not even what?

Folic? Folic? You go more Folic. You go, will you stick with Folic? Folic. Folic. Oh, fuck. Hey, guys.

Book's out the 3rd of September. She's an author. She's an author She's an author Folic That's what I meant What's folic mean? Well like folic acid innit Don't you take folic acid When you're pregnant?

I do take Fucking hell That might be why I know I am currently taking folic acid Do you think it's folic acid? Folic Is that what you think it is? Shaped like knobs

These little Tablets I've had enough folic acid That's what got us In this bloody situation in the first place. Keep your phallics away from me. Sorry about that. Okay, so, right. The patient went to theatre,

during which time I obviously showed all of my colleagues the x-ray and we all had a guess. This is the time when I would really like to work in a hospital. Yeah. This was pre-COVID as well. If he's obviously popped up to see a show. This is the time when I would really like to work in a hospital. Yeah. This was pre-Covid as well. If he's obviously popped up, I'd see a show. What? Theatre. Oh.

Seriously. Dad jokes! Oh, hey, listen. You can still get a refund on Chris's show if you really need the money. These are the off cuts. The good stuff's ready for you. Don't you worry. When I went to pick the patient up from recovery, the nurse, not realising I had already met the guy,

began to excitedly and secretly tell me the story of this silent patient with a suspected perfume bottle up his arse. All of this whilst he was groggily recovering in front of us. I asked if they managed to get it out alright, and more importantly, what was it? Not only did they manage to get it out all right and more importantly what was it not only did they manage to get it out with complications for the man the lid remained intact and it was indeed flower by kenzo

he just said at the end to this day no one has given me a tenner wow no right i've just googled flower by kenzo that makes perfect sense oh right okay i'm thinking right i'm thinking of a little flower on the top i'm thinking of labelle with a little flower on top flower by kenzo i can absolutely understand oh it's shaped like he put that up his arse it's fully blown shaped yeah like a penis i was thinking of that you know the little one with the flower petal with the daisy on top yes that's what i'm thinking i was thinking of that was a fucking nightmare but yeah flower by kenzo is called daisy that top of it. Yes, that's what I'm thinking of. That's what I was thinking of. That was a fucking nightmare. But yeah, flower by Kenzo. I think that is called daisy. That makes perfect sense.

Wow. Right, okay. Yeah. Great. What a good spot by her, by the way. If you listen to this now, Google flower by Kenzo and you'll see

good spot by her. Wow. Did you sniff it afterwards? Would you use it? How much is flower by Kenzo? I don't know. I don't know how much how i've never used it before i don't think it's really high high i think it's mid-range i don't think i'd keep it no

i don't know if it's still a bottle of creed maybe yeah i probably go i go on then just don't know why people are still shoving like not that there are specifically made objects to be put put whatever you want up your bum, right? Yeah, but... But there's made things out there. Yeah, but it's the buying of it, I imagine. There's a website where you can buy it and it comes anonymously. You seem to know a lot about this.

It's on the advert. There's an advert? There's an advert on the telly. I don't know what the website's called. Right. But it actually says on the advert, this comes to you without packaging and stuff.

Yeah, but it'll go on your bank statement and stuff. Do you know what I mean? What? Do you think it's going to come like a HelloFresh with a big

here's your arse play and a big bag shaped like a dildo? Your dirty permit. Night dinner, question mark. I don't know. I don't know.

Well, anyway. Just don't know. I don't know. Well, anyway, just don't, not bottles of perfume. Yeah. I wonder what his pumps smell like afterwards. Lovely. Flowers.

Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you so much indeed, guys. As always, if you want to get in touch with absolutely anything, it's shagmaridenoid at gmail.com. The book is out on the 3rd of September.

Get it pre-ordered and all that jazz. And yeah, we will see you next week after our Got Surprised viewers. You know what we're doing this week? What? We're going around the world. Can't wait. Me and you.

Can't wait. Can't wait. Get it. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra

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