Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 80. Auntie Pat

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie celebrate the release of their book and Barry Beef gets in touch with some kind words for the couple... Rosie's Mysteries returns and there is an update on Chris' ear wax! As well as this enjoy some brilliant QFTP's including an incredibly awkward date and a great wedding story. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. And this week is book launch week! Oh, for fuck's sake. Pressing, she's just hammering. Oh.

There we go. Woo-hoo! Yeah. Very good. The book's out! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! yeah very good the book's out it's in the shops it's on the web on the web

Nana the postman slash woman might put it in your shed you're not in I'll give you that thank you Postman slash woman might put it in your shed. You're not in. I'll give you that.

Thank you. The postman slash woman might put it in your shed. Yeah. The book is out this week. It came out yesterday. If you listen to this on Friday. It came out on the 3rd. If you listen to this on Friday. We are very excited.

Very excited. We haven't got massively excited about the book because, you know, global pandemic. Kind of word yeah tarnished it a bit didn't it tarnished it quashes your dreams and all that shine off the little thing it did but it's very exciting um well we're recording this on earlier in the week obviously um but even now some some lucky little so-and-sos out there which i couldn't believe when i saw this morning tag me on instagram some people have already had their signed copies i. I know. It's not even out of the third and they've got it already.

You know what it reminds us of? It reminds us of one of the first, one of the old Grand Theft Auto games came out and me mate ordered it off Amazon or something and he got it like at some weird accident. He got it like three days early

and I went and queued outside Game at midnight like a tosser. Oh, did you do that? Yeah, I might have did. Oh, I married a man who queues for a game. You married a man who queues for a game. You married a legend who queues for a game.

No. It was before you could download them. I don't like people like you. Wow. I don't know. I don't like people who queue for stuff when they've just come out. Midnight. Midnight.

There was a game in South Shears on King Street. And I queued there with a load of other winners. Of saddos, Chris, actuallydos i remember once i did it and i had to just go home and go to sleep because it was actually too late to play on it because i had to be up the next day i wish i'd known because if i'd have known i'd have went down and egged you bully i would have come on an egg of the nerds i mean cool kids so yeah the book's out with this week guys guys. So thank you already, everyone who's got that. Massive, massive appreciation.

We love yous. And this is, back to the podcast though, this episode 80. Good grief. Good grief. Like a Werther's original. Eh? Old, silky.

Smooth. Creamy. And your grandad gives you out on the sly. Sounds weird, but I just meant like before your tea. Yeah. Look, if you took anything dirty from that, listen to it. That's on you. Ac mae'n ddiddorol bod e'n rhoi'r llaw ar y sly. Ond roeddwn i'n golygu cyn i chi ddod i ffwrdd â'ch tŷ. Os ydych chi wedi gwneud rhywbeth i'w wneud, gwelwch, mae hynny arnoch chi. Roeddwn i'n golygu bod e'n rhoi'r llaw cyn i chi ddod i ffwrdd â'ch dîr. Oherwydd eich mam wedi dweud na. Mae hynny'n sôn yn fwy na'r hyn.

Nid yw hynny. Beth yw'n anghywir? Nid, nid, nid, nid. Rwy'n dweud ei fod yn dweud. Nid yw e'n dweud. Dyma'r man. Mae hynny. Ydych chi'n gwybod?

Nid yw'r sponsor y flwyddyn yma'n hoffi ddilyn hynny. Nid yw'n hoffi. Nid yw'r sponsor y flwyddyn yma'n hoffi. Rwy'n mynd i ofyn am rywbeth yn gyflym. Nid yw'r sponsor yn mynd i gynnal. Oh, God. Brought the tone down. Do you know what? This week's sponsor's not going to want to follow that. Is it not? This week's sponsor, no. I'm going to have to quickly talk about something else or the sponsor's going to kick off. All right, what do you want to talk about? I don't know. Books out.

Books out? Yeah, that'll do. This week's sponsor. This week's lucrative sponsor. Obviously, what you think is what we're mentioning in the book. We're not going to forget the sponsor. Not a chance made. This week's lucrative sponsor is...

And do you know what? These guys have been trying to get in touch for a long time now. A long time. I can't even take it seriously anymore. Come on. Long time, right? You can't take it seriously, right? This is a massive, important product slash company that we're working with.

Okay, great. Can't wait to see them dollar bill bills rolling in. You're using one now. You're leaning on one now. This week's sponsor is tables. Tables. Hey, got all your stuff on the floor? Get yourself a table. Hey, pick it up now, y'all.

Put it on the table. Hey, eating your dinner? Are you sitting in front of the telly eating it on your knee? That's all well and good, but where are you going to put your auxiliary plate of garlic bread? Get yourself a table. A table, A side table. Side table, or normal table, or dining table, or dressing table, or bedside table.

Tables for everyone. Do you know what my favourite kind of table is? What? A console table. Oh. Only realised what they were in my 30s. Yeah? Yeah, console table.

I've got three of them. Like a games console? Do you have to queue at midnight to get one? No, they're just skinnier ones that you put lamps on and that in the hallway. Yeah, very nice. Do you know how I used to eat my dinner when I was a kid? When I used to get in from school,

I used to eat my dinner. I don't know. Have I ever told you this? Oh, you used to lie on your front watching the telly. I couldn't do that now. But I would eat like stodge. I would eat like big slices of Goodfellas pizza

and potato waffles and beans and that. It would lie on my front, you know. Like someone sunbathing, tanning their back. Do you know what's quite good? What? Because you've just said that, and we sometimes used to eat our dinner in front of the telly, like on my knee or whatever, or sat on the floor. I feel like a good man because Robin always eats his dinner at the table. He does eat at the table, yeah.

High five to us. I eat at the table. Look at us, being good parents. Tables. Tables. Eat at the table. Get your kids to eat at the tables. Eat at the table.

No from the sponsor. Tables are in no way affiliated with timetables. Oh, they can fuck off. Or times tables. Which one is it? Neither. Not timetables, which is to sort your day out. Oh, right, sorry.

Or times tables, which are the worst. I meant the second one, the multiplication ones. Yeah, never knew them. Still don't know them now. I can do the nine times table on my hands. I've got the trick. Ask us one.

Ask us. Ask us one. Nine times seven. Hang on. Five, six, seven. 63. Is that right? Don't know.

We'll never know. Never in my street. A fucking couple of knobs. Why did I even ask you? I don't even know. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmaridonoid. Happy to have you here. Yeah, it was right, wasn't it? It is, yes. We both just got our calculators out because we're both absolutely fucking stupid. And it was, so how does that work? So you put both your hands out in front of you. If you don't know the nine times table, I got taught this trick at school

because I was in the very, very low maths class. Now, I was in the high maths class and I never got taught this. Well, that's because you probably had to just learn it off by heart, whereas us thickos got told it on my hands. So nine times table. Ask me any of the nine times table.

Oh, God, we can't do this again. Just ask us. Three times nine. So three times nine, what I would do is I would look at my two hands in front of us. I've got the palms facing me

and I'd start from the left so you would start usually when you're counting you start on your right thumb first but I'd start on my left thumb like you're reading it like you're reading it

yes left to right okay so what I do is I put the so you wanted three times nine yeah so I'll go one two

I put my third finger down and the answer is twenty seven so two and then a gap so the tens and then the gap tens. So two and then a gap. So the tens and then the gap. Tens and a gap and then the units. Ask us another one.

Wow. Does it work with your fingers the other way? Don't think so. If you turned your hands around the other way? I don't know. I've never tried it. Well, it could because you just put your other fingers down. Well, yeah, it would.

But why? Well, why are you ruining me? One times nine. Ninety. She did it. Ninety! Ninety! Oh, 9.

I can't believe it. It's 9. Oh, shit. Guys, guys, she put her thumb down, right? I said 1 times 9, and I would expect her to tell us to just fuck off. She put her first thumb down. She actually did it, and as I said to you, or she did it,

she then said 90. Oh, fucking hell. It's flawed. My method's flawed. Shit. No, it's not. That works. Twitter's nine.

I know I did it wrong. All right, okay. I've got a heartburn. I've got acid reflux. I'm pregnant. I can't believe you put it down. I can't believe you put it down. I can't believe you put it down. Believe it, all right?

Because do you know what my graded, my predicted grade for GCSE maths was? Yeah. You. Yeah. Ungraded. My maths teacher had to get my mum and dad in for a meeting and say,

look, I'm really sorry, but I genuinely don't think Rosie's going to pass our maths GCSE. Wow. So there you go. I'm really bad at maths. I got a D, actually. Good.

And then you had to resit it anyway had to resit it anyway to college but so dreams can come true I can't believe you're putting it

oh hey anyway nine times table welcome if you're at school and you listen to this you shouldn't be listening to this

get back to school you little wagga no you can have that wagga means what if you're wagging it yeah yeah yeah

skipping off school. Yeah, sound like you were calling him a wanker, but you were just missing out loads of letters for no reason. Just seemed a bit harsh calling a kid a wanker. Well, they are. Sometimes little wankers, aren't they? Fair play. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

So what's been going on? Pregnant. Yeah? Fully blown pregnant. Yeah? And I've been skipping along, having a lovely little time. Haven't had much sickness. I've been a bit irritable.

We're not going to lie there. What? A little bit. No, don't say that. A little moody. Don't say that about yourself. Oh, right, okay. You haven't noticed, have you? What? Hey, that's... You're such a pillock. But, last night

I had the worst acid reflux and heartburn known to man and I got that all the way through pregnancy with Robin and I thought I'd avoided it this time

so there's me going I think I'm having a girl me you know everything's so different nah same again doesn't acid reflux mean they've got hair

yeah it can it can mean that heartburn no no I think it can but Robin did have hair but he didn't have enough to cause as much as I got

I mean some kids are born With like Looking like they're in An 80s rock band Yeah that's always A bit weird isn't it Yeah yeah yeah Loads and loads of hair

Yeah It's nice though It's cute Oh it's lovely aye But I always just get a fright When they're like I don't know when someone's like Alright you know

We're rested and that now The family have all been over You can come over You know the baby's three days old And I'm like Oh my god Three days old When I'm like, oh my God, three days old, when's it going to the barber's?

Jesus! The Grinch! It is always a bit freaky but I find it really cute when they've got loads of hair. Oh, they're gorgeous, yeah. And I love kids with little hairy backs.

No, sometimes babies have got little hairy, Robin was quite hairy on his back. A little wisp down the back. Yeah, and I was like, oh, I can't wait to meet with little baby i'm very excited we had the scan the other day didn't we the 20 week scan we did and we didn't find out what sex it is no i'm not gonna find out i know but now i'm sort of itching to know a little bit but i'm not gonna find out i

was itching as well but then i know the moment the tellers i'd be like oh and i'd be happy for a second then i'd be like oh there's that gone yeah like open your presents on christmas eve what do you do you go our christmas is coming tomorrow what's the point oh i know gutted so at least we've got something to look forward to yes and it's well the baby itself as well you bastard just want to know what it is and then i'll go oh thank you for that you can keep it take it back take it back now y'all announcement it wasadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Announcement. Oh, have we? It was Rosie's birthday the other day.

Oh, thank you. It was, yeah. Your birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. 35 next year. Can't believe it. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, yeah. That's your favourite thing. Yeah. And I've hurt meself. We've got a bouncy castle and I've burnt me arms on it. You have. I have. I've got a big...

You know what? I spoil meself all the time. We've got a little bouncy castle for the children and I went on it drunk and I burnt my arms. You say a little. Well, it was massive. It was massive. It was 55 foot long. It was ridiculous because...

Oh, I'm silly. I can't help it. Why? You're ridiculous. Do not get me to order the bouncy castle. Just don't do it. Because it filled up the full lawn. You couldn't really see the kids

because they just kind of disappeared behind it. It was an assault course. It was an assault course with a slide. It was. It was from the council. It was from the South Chinatown council. Oh, the council used it loads. It was from the council. It was from the South Tyneside Council. Oh, the council used it loads. It wasn't from the council.

Oh, was it not? Okay, sorry. The guy was like, oh, you'll be lucky to get, I phoned him up and he was like, you're lucky to get this on a weekend because the council normally use it. And it was at that moment

that I thought, I should have measured the lawn. Well, you ordered it. Yeah. And it was coming the next day. Yeah. And I said to you, does it fit on the lawn?

You were like, like yeah it'll fit i don't know if you noticed because i'm a spy i'm like james bond i then quickly snuck out with the tape measure and measured it did fit just on the slant though on the slant on this land diagonal yeah but it was very much fun i know i had a lovely birthday bit shit because i can have a drink and i was a bit tired but other than that it was very nice but you know me with birthdays not asked well not asked to the point of where, just before we started this podcast, I was setting up all the stuff on our table, dear listeners,

and I picked up a pile of Rosie's birthday cards that she got not two days ago, and I said to Rosie, shall I put these up for you? And Rosie said, nah, I'm not bothered. She won't put them up. And I went, all right, recycle bin then. And what did you say?

I said, well, just keep them for the the week and then we'll throw them away so so she doesn't want them up right she doesn't want them up but i'm not allowed to throw them away because she's got to keep them a week so they're just in a fucking pile on a bench pointless but do you not hate going to someone's house and they've got loads of cards up. It upsets me. I find it, I'm just like, oh, right, great. Yeah. Got all your friends' signatures, have you? Brilliant. What you do,

like, forgot what your mum's handwriting looked like, did it? It's the same message every year. Same message. I remember my mum and dad used to always,

when they got Christmas cards, they used to always blue-tack them all at the back of the door. And it was part of the Christmas decoration. Yeah. And it was always there.

And I remember my mum would sit down and go, I'm doing all the Christmas cards. door. And it was part of the Christmas decoration. Yeah. And it was always there. And I remember having to sit down and go, I'm doing all the Christmas cards. And I'd sit for like two nights doing Christmas cards for spurious fucking random people who I hadn't seen for years. Fuck that! My mum used to put them on string. Yeah.

Like bits of string. I'll fold them over it. Across the room. But, yeah. It's short. Look at all our friends. Just look at this. Look at me social circle on this wall.

Me. Oh, you found enough other losers who'll send you one back, have you? Good for you. Do you think that was Facebook before Facebook? Yes, I think it was. Do you remember address books? Yeah. Address books that would only come out at Christmas.

Yeah. My mum hated Christmas cards. Really? I get a lot of my stuff from my mum. Yeah, your mum hates most things. Yeah. Yeah. Not everything,

but just things that actually things that you're allowed to hate, but a lot of people don't vocalise. Nobody enjoys writing out Christmas cards. Oh, no. We'll have to do them via school class soon. I did them for him just gone. Did you? Yeah, I bowed to the pressure of doing Christmas cards

and just wrote from Robin on them all. And he didn't even know he had no idea he can write them out himself this year little shit you can write his name now i'll be too busy i remember when i was at school and it was like i think the teachers if i remember rightly the teachers would print a copy of the register yeah with all the names yeah so you could take it home and write down everyone's name like if you've got to have their name printed off on a thing you shouldn't be sending them a card i mean it takes all the goodness out of it one thing i will say i remember being at school and i think when you get to a bit older robin's still only little

and he doesn't know about he might this year to be honest there's a lot changes in the year when you're at that age but um i loved doing the christmas card rounds at the school because it'd be like a post box in the hall and you had to post everyone. So you didn't just go around people's desk and give it to them. Right. So that was exciting. So what do you mean?

So you used to get the job of getting them and going out and taking them and everyone, is that it? Sometimes, yeah. People would get different jobs. I was going to say, I get to the bottom of it. That's what you loved. Oh, I loved a little job. You loved just being centre of attention, little job.

That was you, wasn't it? Milk monitor, did you do the milk as well yeah I used to ring the bell I see you oh god little gobby little goody two shoes

little Rosie's gonna hand the cards out everyone just walking around each class put them on people's desks I'll have you know right

I've got a really big family a lot of cousins right I was the first prefect in my whole family Rosie ever Rosie we had some of your family around outside socially distanced for your birthday.

It's not a fucking achievement, love. I've met them. They've got better. There's a couple of them going to uni now. I was the first prefect, last one to go to prison. I was a bloody good prefect. No one got it. I love how much you live in the past sometimes.

Honestly, I was the best bloody prefect at school ever. I had a really hard slot. What do you mean? You had a hard slot. Well, I'm telling you, right, okay, some of them were on the bottom of the stairs. I was a bit too short to go at the bottom of the stairs. I used to put the lads there, right, and the tall girls.

What do you mean? Why did you have to be tall to be at the bottom of the stairs? Well, because it's a bit of a pushy, like, you know, telling people not to go up and down the stairs can get a bit hard. But I had the second, because I was more of a talker, like negotiator, I was on, I forgot what it's called now, where the reception is, the foyer. Right. So the foyer. Right. So the foyer was used a lot by little scoundrels, right,

who wanted to just cut through from the C yard to the A yard, right? Right. But you actually had to walk all the way around, which was actually a bit of a hike. You had to walk past Smoker's Corner and everything. Right. So I was on the foyer and I wouldn't let them through. And I was like, no, you can't go through.

And they'd be like, oh, let her through. I'd be like, no, you're not getting past here, love. First in my family, you can turn that shit around and you can walk your little backside around. Loved it, me. Loved it. Had a badge. I was also vice captain.

Right. Of my, didn't get captain. Of your house. Devastated, of my house. Didn't get head girl. I was flipping gutted. My friend got it. Really? Yeah, gutted I house didn't get head girl was flippin gutted my friend got it really

yeah gutted I was Holly got head girl yeah she was good like that I love that I just love the I love the sentence I had the second hardest patch as a prefect

well it was absolutely stairs aside stairs stairs was the hardest that was a tall kid second hardest negotiating so that

they have to walk past smoke as corner love that can I cut through here listen listen here right if it'd be me cousin right you'd have got through I let me cousin through no I'm saying so that they have to walk past Smoker's Corner. Love that. Can I cut through here? Listen, listen here, right? If it'd be me cousin, right, you'd have got through.

Oh, I let me cousin through? No, I'm saying if this standing here was me cousin, you'd have got through. If it was me mum, you'd have got through. If it was me sister, you'd have got through. Tell you why? Because none of them were fucking prefects. Exactly.

But I'm a prefect. Get your ass past Smoker's Corner. Yeah. Walk that shit around. Yeah, Kate wasn't a prefect. No? Kevin wasn't a prefect. I was the only prefect. Yeah, Kate wasn't a prefect. No? Kevin wasn't a prefect. I was the only prefect.

Of course Kevin wasn't. How was Kate not? I think she was a bit too shy. You had to have a bit of clout about you to be a prefect in my school. That's ridiculous. You couldn't be shy. I think my Kate was just very different. I don't think she had the gusto she has now.

I mean, if she'd been pissed doing it, it should have been great. But Stone Cold Sober at like... At 13. No, like 15. At 15, that's fair enough. You only got prefect at year 11. Were you a prefect?

I was not a prefect. Oh, right, that's a shame. Rosie, I was never a prefect. I was never a milk monitor. I was never on the football team. I was never on any of them things. I think we've talked about it before, but we all, in my junior school,

when we all got to go to Thurston on a trip um i remember they were like we're picking names out of a hat and we all had to sit in the library while they picked the names out the hat i remember sitting there dead excited thinking i'll definitely get to go it was literally prefects milk monitors and the football team who all got picked out i remember thinking no i don't think my name was in that hat. Oh, but you went to the meeting anyway. I think it was there. Sat in the library anyway. Dead excited.

Oh, bless you. Yeah. I remember they took the names out and then they put them in a green VHS, plastic VHS box. And they were the people who got to go. They'll have rigged that. Yeah. I've worked in schools.

They'll have massive, they'll be like, Ramsey, gobshite. Nah. Yeah. They probably wrote my name on a bit of paper earlier and then just dropped it in the toilet. Oh. Yeah. I burnt it. Because thereite? Nah. Yeah. They probably wrote my name on a bit of paper earlier and then just dropped it in the toilet. Oh. Yeah, I burnt it. Because there's smoke then. Yeah.

Yeah. Smoke in the smoker's room. Yeah. There we go. There we go. I'd let you through the foyer. Would you now? Nah.

Not a chance. Kick us while I'm down. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Rosie. Yes? I can hear you so well on these headphones today. Because you've had your ears done. Oh yes. Showed you the photo didn't I? Showed you the photo of

the black wax. Black wax. That was taken out years which I'm a bit worried about. I think you might need to go to the doctors about that. Also showed a few people who came to the house randomly. That's nice. It's my new thing. I just get the photo on my phone and I go have you seen that? And they look at it for so long and then they go what is it? And I go came out my ears the other day and they go ahhh. It's my new game.

It looked like sort of squashed black raisins. Yeah, amazing though. God, I can hear everything now. It's fantastic. Honestly. You're a bellend. Thank you for getting clean again. I didn't hear it.

Did you hear that? Just a lovely compliment. Shit in bed. Lovely compliment. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, great. I put my fringe to the right today.

It's nice, isn't it? Robin's not yours that is not nice not nice something very exciting is happening this week other than our book launch obviously kids are back at school kids are back at school

get back in the car get back to school. Yes, they are. Get back at school! Get back in the car! Get back to school. Yes. We've got to go back. Woo! Back, back to school again. Yes. Great.

I've got nothing else to say other than that is just... Well, when I was on the one show the other week, we were doing a segment about getting the kids back to school and I fumbled all my lines in it because I was so excited about the idea of kids going back to school.

Because Rom's going to go into bigger school and he's going to be away all day. All day, Chris. Yeah. Nine till three. Half eight till three. Booyah! Half eight?

Whatever time he goes in. Ten to nine. I'll drop him off half eight and just chill. He'll be fine. Just chill outside. He's a big lad now. So exciting. It's great.

So exciting. Hope you're all feeling okay about it yes um for anyone who is worried about it just let you know i've got a lot of friends who are teachers they are really excited to get back and they've put so many precautions in place that um is precautions the right word uh i don't know but they know what you mean yes and i know what you mean um and i think it's a step forward in the right direction, personally. I'm very excited. And I think all of our children will be really excited.

God, yeah. Because I don't know about you guys, but our little boy has turned into a rotten little tomato. He's sick of us. He's sick of us. Yeah. Absolutely sick of us. I don't blame him.

I'm sick of me. I'm sick of me too. So anyway, best of luck. Even though Robin beth bynnag, gweddill. Fodd bynnag, nid yw Robin yn mynd yn ôl i'r 16. Gwyl. Felly, mae'n rhaid i chi edrych ar yr holl blant eraill yn mynd i'r ysgol ac nid yw'n cychwyn y 16 oherwydd maen nhw'n gwneud ychydig o ddoddau. Dwi'n gweld, mae'n iawn. Mae gennym ni ddwy wythnos. Dwi'n dweud wrthych chi beth, byddwn yn mynd ar

fwy o hwyl. Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r...

Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r... Ydym yn mynd i'r, byddwn ni'n cael rhywfaint o... O, mae'r llyfr yn allu. Iawn, iawn. Byddwn ni'n gwneud hynny. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn.

Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn.

Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Iawn, iawn. Rosie's mysteries turn the volume up on your phone there you go useless fucker well I never knew that you're kidding not kidding

not kidding no way yes ma'am mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries No way. Yes, we are. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Rosie's Mysteries. Absolutely horrible.

Honestly, horrible. You took the pop shield off. You were talking into the side of the mic. Honestly, everyone listening, that must have been horrible to listen to. Hello and welcome back to this week's Rosie's Mysteries. Ignore the chirping man in the corner. Fair enough. Got a real mystery here.

A little bit of a worrying mystery. I don't know what you're going to make of this, actually. Oh. This lady needs our help. Also, it's another, it's not just a true or false, it's another letter from someone. Well, you'll be glad to know, okay? So, obviously, it started off as as a lot of true or falses which i think is really informative and very interesting to listen to but we have actually had a lot of emails with mysteries okay so i'm happy you know and it combines a little bit of questions from the public okay so it's a bit of both cool all right see what

you make of this okay then hi rosie and. So, this story doesn't have an answer, but I've honestly been trying to make sense of it for years. Yes. Hoping you can help. Wow. Please keep me anonymous, because my parents don't even know I drink. Goodness me.

Just put in brackets. Lol. Lol, indeed. Wow. So, a few years ago, I woke up in my uni house and most confused I have ever been. For context, Right. the night before, I had been out with my housemates, but distinctly remember coming back alone, having some water, then putting myself to sleep.

Putting myself to sleep? I think she just meant kind of putting herself into bed. Choked yourself out? That's so weird. I tucked myself in and choked myself unconscious. choked yourself out that's so weird I put myself I tucked myself in and choked myself unconscious knocked myself out I distinctly remember

running at the wall with my head down as fast as I could to put myself every night love these. In the morning, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up wearing full-on lingerie and a puffer jacket.

Okay. Was I hot or cold? Who knows? Wow. Yeah. It's, I mean, I've read this. Right. And I'll tell you my conclusion at the end.

I've got one already. Is this a lady? Yes. I've got a conclusion, but I'll tell you at the end as well. Does it involve maybe ringing the police? No. All right, that's where my head went. But anyway, let's keep going.

Fucking hell. Not on mine at all. Okay. This was already confusing because this particular piece of clothing was packed at the bottom of a suitcase of crap I had shoved away. Wow. At this point, I assumed I had blacked out, even though I definitely remember going to bed. Goodness.

Putting myself to bed. And guessed that I would have rummaged through all my clothes the night before just for fun. My room, however, was spotlessly clean and i mean professional standard it wasn't even like this before i had left on the night out hoovered and everything right at this point i'm freaking out a little bit rightly so my room door had been locked from the inside so i don't think anyone had come in, making this last bit even creepier. Right. In the far side of my room, there was a small puddle of blood, probably the size of a tennis ball, still wet.

What the fuck? There were no drops of blood leading towards or away from it, just a little island of blood. How does she know it was blood? Well, it'll be red and wet. Whoa. I can name you five things that are red and wet. Cool. Ketchup.

Red paint. Dark red paint. Light red paint. Brown paint with water in it. Oh, God. Clever shit. Tomato soup. Great. I only asked for shit. Tomato soup. Great.

I only asked for five. Tomato juice. I was not on my time of the month. Nice. And check myself and all my clones and all my clothes. And all my clones. Everyone. Everyone up against the wall.

All yours. Laundry off. Puffer jackets off. Have you cut yourself? Welcome to 2073 all your clones I asked all my clones if they had done it and none of them said anything

as I haven't put a brain in them yet we're not at that stage of development we are tissue only she wasn't on her period she checked herself and all her clothes and her clothes for signs of cut or bleeding

but there were none yeah when my housemates came to inspect the scene we checked all of them as well and no blood anyway

what the hell none of them were bleeding please help why was I wearing lingerie and a puffer jacket who cleaned my room whose blood was it? Why do I remember going to bed?

Five years on, my friends have concluded some quite dark things, so please steer away from the murder accusations. Very confused. Thanks for your help. Just drop that at the end there. Please stay away from the murder accusations. I mean, this could be anything. This could literally be someone in that area was spotted that night

in lingerie and puffer jacket leading the scene but she's just skirted straight over that there well yeah what do you think wow do you want 30 seconds

no god please god don't I'll have a breakdown I can't because you can't give us 30 seconds because there's no answer right well

what do you think what was yours I well I just thought it was a bit worrying if all of that had happened and you were genuinely intoxicated,

I was like, maybe you should go to bed. But then again, she totally remembers going to bed and the door was locked from the inside, so I've got no idea. See, my thing, I imagine that...

The problem is, when the story starts with, I was out and I was pissed, you go, okay, then, well, whatever comes after that is just all fucking gobbledygook. It doesn't matter. My idea was,, then, well, whatever comes after that. It's all fucking gobbledygook. It doesn't matter. My idea was, until the clean thing,

my idea was that she'd been texting someone and was going to nip over to see some lad, a bit of a booty call, and she just was like, oh, I'm a bit pissed. I've got a bit of confidence. I'm just going to hoi lingerie on and just a puffer jacket and turn up at his door and just be like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And then do you think she put herself to bed by running into the wall? I don't know. The blood in the corner is weird. I mean, that really takes it to another level, doesn't it? Really strange.

Really strange. But the cleaning the room, just trust a fucking student thing to be like, eh, I can't believe it. It was clean. Hoof head. It was a hoof head. This must be ghosts.

Or maybe just, you know, normal. Maybe that's normal. Maybe she was really pissed and she just cleaned her room. This must be ghosts. Or maybe just, you know, normal. Maybe that's normal. Maybe she was really pissed and she just cleaned her room. She might have done. Yeah. I don't know what the blood was. Might not have been blood, like I say. How would you know it was blood?

Could have been a jubbly. Jubbly. Strawberry jubbly. What's a strawberry jubbly? The lollies. Right. Is that what they're called? A melted ice lolly.

Maybe she had an ice lolly. Did she lick it? She put on lingerie because someone was going to come round to have some sex with her, right? And then he was like, oh, get a lolly for us or something. So she started that. Then she tidied all the room because he was coming, right?

Coming over, right? Right. He was coming over. Then he cancelled at the last minute and she put the lolly down, upset, and the lolly had made her so cold she had to put a jacket on. Case closed.

I rest my case, Your Honour. You can rest now, five years on. Well done. There we go. That's what happened. Yeah, okay. I'll go with that. God, I'm good.

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followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. TSO.ca It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello Chris! Hello Chris! It's Barry! Are you alright? Oh hello Barry! Hiya Chris! I'm just quickly ringing, I've got a few...

What's going on? Just got a few of the lads around. We're just celebrating. We've just been in the shop. We've just bought the book. I can't wait to see all the chapters with us in. And we've got them all here. We're just about to read it.

Hey, get your glasses on. Get your glasses on. Get your glasses on. Get your glasses on. Get your glasses on. Get your glasses on. So we're just about to read the book, and I honestly just want to ring and say, mate, thanks for letting us be involved in it. I'm so excited.

We've got all the mates here, and we're just canning away. We're just having a ball, all right? Best of luck with it. Cheers, mate. Thanks. Cheers. All right.

Yeah. Thanks, Barry. Oh, great. Do you know you're not actually in... What are, great. Do you know you're not actually in... What are you saying? Do you know you're not actually in any of the books? Yay! Yes!

He's on the phone. He's just saying the book's out now. Got it, man. Well, got it. First of all, I don't know where you've got it, because it's not actually out until Thursday. You're not in any of the book. You are not in the book at all, Barry.

Not what? There's not one. Hang on a minute. Lads! Lads! Lads! Shut up! Shut up! Right.

Sorry. What, Chris? You sound like you've gone into another room there, Barry. I've just gone in the toilet. You sound like you've gone in the toilet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good. You're not in the book.

Not at all. No, no. You're not mentioned in the book. No. No. No. Just. No, you're an anomaly that only happens on this podcast.

And I put my foot down and you're not mentioned at all. Not one single bit in the book. No, no. No. Just. No, you're an anomaly that only happens on this podcast and I put my foot down and you're not mentioned at all. Not one single bit in the book. Not even, I don't even think the word beef's in the book.

Barry, the word Barry's in on a different story but the word beef is not in the book. Right. Right. Well.

It's just going to be awkward if I don't tell them. It's just the latter. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. I'm listening to that noise through the other room there, Barry. It sounds like a lot of people. I don't think you should have that many, at the moment, with COVID, I don't think you should have that many people in your house.

It's just as I am. I know you're a doctor, apparently. It's all the doctors. We've all got our stuff on with PPE. Oh, you've got it all. What am I going to tell them, Chris? I just hope that theyel ei ddysgu. O, mae'r holl stwff yn cael ei ddysgu. Beth fyddwn i'n ei ddweud i nhw Chris? Gobeithio nad ydyn nhw'n ei ddarllen. Heno.

Gadewch i'w roi'r copi i fynd i'r ffwrdd. Rwy wedi cael 900 o copi. Diolch. Dwi'n mynd i fynd i'r ysgol. Iawn. Ychydig yn dda. Ychydig yn dda. Ychydig yn dda. That's the look. That little burp you did there at the end. I'm nervous.

So you got the sound of a bar full of people but you didn't get the sound of a phone hanging up. So you did that at the end there with your mouth. Was that Barry? Is he in the book at all? The bit I hate the most was that Barry. Poor Barry. about Barry. Poor Barry. Poor Barry. Bless his heart.

No, the beef's aren't in the book. It's nice to have Barry back, though, for a little bit there. I enjoyed that. I mean, as much as he's absolutely flaunting the social distancing rules in his house, carnage in there. Doc, that's it. Do other ones. Do other ones. Fucking hate you

I hate you What's your beef? Do you know what Christopher? Uh huh I don't have a beef this week You are joking I don't actually have a beef this week No I don't

No just because You've been a bit Down Today And I didn't think You needed one And honestly Really?

I quite like I said it today Uh huh I've been We've been alright I haven't got a beef You serious? I haven't got a beef this week And honestly, I quite like it. I said it today. I've been all right. I haven't got a beef. You're serious? I haven't got a beef this week. This feels like a trap.

I promise you. I swear. Have you got one? Yeah. Right. Come on, then. You know, I've got a beef. I was a bit down this morning, but then I was...

I just felt a bit bad for you. Oh. Well, I was a bit down, but then I had the Zoom meeting with the people from the BBC about the Little Mix show, and I got a little bit excited about it. I feel like I'm back to work. Good. Oh, well, then a bit down but then I had the Zoom meeting with the people from the BBC about the Little Mix show and I got a little bit excited about it because I feel like I'm back to work. Oh well then I will carry on with my beef. So when you feel a little bit down, you like to bring it to me and then make

me feel a little bit down. But now that you feel okay, that's alright. The world's right again. So that's good. Thanks for that. Thanks for bringing me into your depression earlier on for that hour. But now you're alright, then I'll be all right. Yeah, good job. I'm flexible, isn't it?

Right. So there you are. There's your beef. I was trying to be nice, but no. To be honest with you, it didn't take much for us to get that out of you. It was like it was rain. It was bubbling, mate.

Sorry. We do that. We both do that, right? When one was down, we speak to the other one and we kind of unload the emotional baggage onto the other one. But kind of unload the emotional baggage on the other one but we literally unload it i literally i'm like just getting it it's like it's like a some kind of drug deal in a car park i'm getting it all out of my car and into your

car and then i'm just driving off loving it and then leaving it with your goose that's fine i'm really sorry uh my beef with you this week is something you did at the weekend on my birthday day before right day before we left the house uh we got a package from the postman as well on the way out the house he dropped it in the car as well on the way out and i don't know who sent it i didn't actually get a chance to read the thing but it was all the harry potter stuff uh some harry potter lego and loads of little things little sweets and stuff yeah there's some lego actually said it oh thanks lego but there was like a harry potter cape there was all kinds of things it. Oh, thanks, Lego. But there was like a Harry Potter cape. There was all kinds of things. It was great. Robin loved it.

We were on our way to a friend's house, right? We went to the friend's garden and all that stuff, right? We sat there. You produced a packet of jelly beans and just got the jelly beans out and said, oh, we've got these scented jelly beans. Hey, everyone have a jelly bean. Just started giving jelly beans out willy-nilly.

Luckily, it took about three or four jelly beans until people started going, what the fuck is this? Robin looked at us with fear and disgust in his eyes and went, daddy, what's happening? I looked on the card. There were Harry Potter, Diagon Alley, fucking joke jelly beans.

One was rotten egg. One was vomit. One was grass. One was just dirt. Some of them were like candy floss. one was grass one was one was just dirt some of them were like candy floss but one was literally dirt that was the flavor dirt and you just handed them i'd never heard of these i didn't know this was a thing you just handed them out like it was party favors and everyone you ruined everyone's fucking day all right in my defense i didn't have it i didn't have a clue that as soon as someone someone said, these taste weird, you were like, oh, they might be them weird ones

because it's Harry Potter stuff. Because I've had them before. Well, I'd never had them. I think there's a game called Bean Boozled or whatever where it's jelly beans and it's all the different kind of flavours, but they are disgusting. Well, I had one and it was grass and I was like, is that grass?

Grass isn't that bad. Well, I was like, is that grass or am I stupid? And then I read them. Oh, my God. The vomit one is awful. I'll never forget Robin's face. The only time Robin's ever made that face at me was when he knocked his teeth out and he was looking at us.

Oh. I'm telling you. Which one did he get? Rotten egg. And he looked like he was going to die. And he was literally going, Daddy, what's happening? And you were like,

Everyone have a jelly bean. Me. Then when I found out, I ate all the tutti frutti ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I left all the other ones. Good times. And then you brought them home with you. Don't know why you did that.

Did I? You still have some. Yeah, yeah, you put them in the car. Oh, well, let's play a little game. Nope. Nope. It was awful. Sorry.

Not sorry. Should be ashamed of yourself. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Sorry. Not sorry. Should be ashamed of yourself. It's time for questions from the public. Public, public. Public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public. That's a job. This is my job. Weird.

Love in life. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it is shagmiredanoid at gmail.com. Send whatever you want, because Rosie's doing it in a minute again, because I'm having a little lovely surprise week. The week of surprises. Love it.

Okay, so I have got some disgusting ones. Yes, good, excellent. Some pretty tame ones. Got you. And something up someone's backside. Great. What would you like to start with? It almost sounds like, that almost sounds like the little menu card

from the jelly beans that we had the other day. It does, doesn't it? Let's go with the second one that you said. Okay, something pretty tame. Let's start off pretty tame. Let's do it. Hi Rosie and Chris. I have two questions for you both. One. First one.

Are either of you hoarders? If you are, what do you hoard? Number two. Who does the food shopping and do they keep to a list or do they bring extras slash offers

slash treats that are not on the list? Oh. So, first question. Hoarders. Who's the hoarder? I hoard clothes. Mm-hmm.

I don't get rid of stuff. I realised the other day I put a T-shirt on. Honestly, I must have had it since before we met. Yeah. I don't like throwing them away or getting rid of them so i do that quite a bit what about you i hoard things that i don't know how to recycle yeah but really so there's so

there's something i'm gonna find stuff i've got a drawer full of old nail varnishes oh for god's sake and just bottles of stuff that's that, plastic, like loads of cardboard. I don't know where things go, so I just keep them in my drawer for years. Oh, God. How do you recycle nail varnish? Because it's never empty. You can't put it down the sink.

What are you going to do? Put it into like a paper bag or something? I don't know. Maybe pour it into a... Tissue? Yeah. Okay. Brilliant. Yeah, yeah. So that mystery, you solved that in 10 seconds or less so all i needed all i needed to do was

have a conversation about it can you believe that see okay i've been doing that for years okay so when are you going to empty this drawer from here oh yeah well listen it's not doing anyone any harm is it for sake i don't know i don't want to know where it is i do not don't even tell us where it is because it looks like there's a little bit of Don't even tell us where it is because it'll upset us. I'm up in the sleep. Don't tell us where it is. What was the second question? Who does the food shopping

and do they keep to a list or do they bring extras home? We both do the food shopping. I do the big shop. You do the big shop. You do the little sporadic shops. Yeah, now and then when you send us a list.

You rarely buy anything for anyone else other than yourself. Beg your pardon? You don't go to the shops and think, oh, what does the family need? What does the family need for tea and dinners and breakfast? No, you go to the shop and you go, oh, I'm going to get myself some yogurt and I'm going to get myself some fruit and some of these Twixes, which are white chocolate and nobody likes them because they're disgusting,

and Kit Kat Chunkies and all that shit and you just buy stuff for yourself? Right. First of all, first of all, slander, right?

If I just randomly bought ingredients and was like, we're having spaghetti bolognese tonight, you'd be like, why? Why? I don't know about this. You've got meals planned.

You know what you're doing. Can I just say though, it'd be nice if you said, oh, I bought all this stuff for spaghetti bolognese. I'm going to cook that tonight. No, because then you'd go, oh, we've got a hell of fresh and he's beaten, oh, I've got this chicken

that's going to go out of date. Don't make it out like it's easy, like it's a level plate. Look in the fridge. Don't be making it out like it's easy and level plate because you're full of it, right? You're too good at cooking tea. Do you know, why do you think I get so excited when eating? Now, why do you think my face lights up

when somebody else brings a plate to my table? Because you're a greedy pig? No, because I'm like, I didn't have to make this. I didn't have to stand and chop stuff. The reason I'm a bit bigger than what I should be, I nearly said something else there, but the reason I'm a little bit bigger is because I am, because

I have to cook for you and him and then I eat everything while I'm cooking. All I heard there was I eat everything while I'm cooking. All I heard there was, I eat everything while I'm cooking. I do. I should staple my mouth up for that half an hour it takes me to prepare a meal. Oh, God.

Or it would be nice if you did cook for me. Also, after this as well, the second part of my argument is, if I bring home a little chocolate bar or something for you, you kick off. You kick off. You go, why have you done that?

And then you go, get it away. And then your mate is going to get it later on. Your dad, for your birthday, bought you a big box of dairy milk chocolates. Great present. Knows you well.

Excellent, excellent choice. You handed me them and went, hide them from me. Yeah, you haven't hid them yet. I had three yesterday. Three full bars. Chris, I'm an animal. Hide them, would you?

I can't be doing this. I've got a massive big bar of dairy milk. I've got a huge bar of Galaxy, which I'll be making into cakes because it's not my go-to one. And you left it in the sun yesterday. And I left it in the sun, so it's flipping melted.

It's melted itself in half. Yeah. You left it standing up against a wall in the sun and it folded itself in half like a drunk falling over. So inconsiderate. So yeah, thank you, Dad, by the way, but not great. Not great on the older

horse line. Hi, Ramsey. Ramseys? Ramseys. Thought I'd share the weirdest date ever with you. Oh, fantastic. Enjoy. Now, we've heard some weird ones, so let's see. This is good. Okay. This made me feel better about my whole dating life, fantastic. Enjoy. Now, we've heard some weird ones, so let's see. This is good. Okay.

This made me feel better about my whole dating life, to be honest, because I've had some horrific dates. Strap in. I once met a guy on a dating app. Always starts like that.

After weeks of chatting, we decided to meet for a drink. The evening of the date, he texts me to say he was running a little bit late after getting stuck in traffic on his way home from work and that he still had to quickly go see his auntie, What? I asked, Oh, does your auntie work there? He replied,

No, she passed away. She's in here until her funeral on Monday. Fuck off. I told him how sorry I was as I could see he was getting upset. When he then asked if I would go in with him for moral support. You are joking me.

As he's never seen a dead person before. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So he picks her up for a date. They've only been on a few dates. Yeah. And he's taken her to the Chapel of Rest

to see Annie's dead body. Yeah. What the hell's wrong with everyone? I don't even know if they've been on it. She said they've been chatting. Shut the fuck up. We decided to meet for a drink, so I don't even know if she's ever been on a date with him.

Wow. So, being put on the spot, I reluctantly agreed. You are joking me. You know they say take them somewhere different. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? If you speak like a dating guru, they go, you know, show them vulnerability.

You know, take them to the cinema somewhere. You know, take them to the cinema somewhere you know take them somewhere they'll remember yeah I mean there's a fucking line there's a line climbing wall

trampoline park you ready yeah we walked in and there she was in a coffin surrounded by nice pictures

a microphone her false teeth a pair of glasses on her head, and another pair shoved in her hand. The other hand filled with packets of sweets. We had enough? Nope.

Why she got them things around her? Is it like all her favourite stuff? These are a few of my favourite things. So she's got a pair of glasses on her head and another in her hand. And that other hand is filled with a pack of sweets.

And her false teeth. And there's pictures and a microphone. She might have been a singer. A microphone. She might have been a singer. I imagine the sweets, it's like she was always giving sweets to the kids. So she's got sweets there.

And I bet you the glasses are on the top. I bet you she always lost her glasses. So it was like, give her two. Oh my God i bet you the glasses on the top and i bet you always lost our glasses so it was like give her two oh my god do you know what i'm gonna tell you right now i'm all right for being a fucking prop joke at my funeral don't be fucking putting bikes in with us and going i always went on about his bike yeah i'm gonna have an absolute real deal with yours i'm gonna stick so many bits of shit in there. Oh, it's going to be great. Lego recycling. He loved the recycling.

Stick the bin in there. Everyone, save your recycling up. We're going to bury him with it for a laugh. It'll fucking well annoy him getting buried with it. It's a landfill, dickhead. I'm going to stick my phone in there. Oh, Jesus. Oh, can it wait?

Anyway. I stood back Leaving him to say his goodbyes When he pulled a watch Out of his pocket And asked if I would help Lift her arm up Whilst he put the watch On her wrist

No fucking way No way Right so there we go then So people have been bringing Their stuff to give to her then Just loads of shit Poor woman Oh my god

Should be crowded as out in there. Let's fucking get him a bucket of root. What's it called? What's it? Rigor mortis? That's when, yeah, so they'd be like genuinely stiff. So we'd have lifted her arm up, put it on, then you have to push her arm back down. Oh God.

Again, reluctantly, I agree. That's unbelievable. Guys, stop it. The stuff you... Guys, stop it. The stuff you all agree with on a date is fucking nuts. Pack in. I mean... You didn't have to go in, love.

You should have waited outside. I mean, he's a... There's a line. I mean, this is crazy. Why would you take someone... Holding this dead woman's arm up with this guy who I just met, he then kissed her on the head and asked me if I wanted to kiss her on the head too.

Fuck! No! I can't! No! I felt weird about that. Did you? Did you? Never in the world! Didn't feel weird putting a watch on. I felt weird about that did you did you never in the world didn't feel weird

put a watch on I felt weird about that after kissing her my lips were cold so hang on so instead I awkwardly patted her

on the head like a duck this is awful rip rip guys we're not laughing at a dead woman here and we're not laughing this is awful rip rip guys we're not laughing at a dead woman here and we're not laughing

at a guy losing his auntie or whatever she was to him we're laughing at the fact that he took this boy I just I know it seems so ridiculous that I have to tell you that but I have to tell you that

because this is just the date from hell it's worse isn't it oh my god but I mean we then went for drinks yeah and I never saw him again.

Never. Threw him a snog at the end though to see if it was worth it. Wow. He wasn't. Wow. So she kissed him.

I love it. I hope that she snogged him and then I hope that he in the car on the way back he was like, oh, can I see each other again?

And I hope she let it over and went, no, and just patted his head. Patted him on the head. The only way that could have been a good date, right't would it have been worse

here's a question for you yes would it have been better and less weird or worse and more weird if when if she'd went yeah i will kiss her on the head and when she'd went to kiss her on the head the auntie was just like hey surprise and she like jumped up and he was just like pissing himself and he was like oh it's a practical joke what would be worse would it be worse if it was a practical joke and she wasn't actually dead and it was just a whole

fucking wind up I think that would be better I think it would be better as well I think that would be better I would enjoy that more rather than you would brought me

yeah and the auntie was like oh no like I own this funeral home we'll do this now and then it's just a piss take that would be better you can only join our family it's still really fucking dark and weird I would enjoy that more than just taking it to the funeral home we do this now and then it's just a piss take that would be better you can only join our family it's still really fucking dark

and weird I would enjoy that more than just taking it to the funeral home so weird do they let strangers in there I think if you go in I mean

I'm not being funny right if I die and my nephew brings his date yeah I'd be seething I'd be looking down at him thinking

you little twat who the hell's this who's that yeah i mean inviting someone to a party that you're invited to so you know inviting passing on the invite to someone that's that's a bit rude inviting someone to your chapel arrest that's another level that like yeah that is rude yeah to the core good god i'm actually a bit annoyed yeah jesus Very funny though. Wow.

I'm going to sell tickets when you die. What, for me? Chapel arrest? Yeah, everyone's just going to come in. I mean, loads, yeah. Just a big line of people. A little delicatessen machine, a little ticket machine.

All right, okay. Number 43, come in. And then they come in and just have a look at you and then they just walk out. Just make sure put me nightly down, will you? Give us a wipe

and put me nightly down. Can I kiss Give us a wipe and put me nightly down. Can I kiss her in the head? It's a pound extra. It's a pound extra. Can I put her? 50 pence. Sorry, before we move on, can I just say,

at the beginning of that question, I did say, we've had some weird dates. It's going to take a lot to top it. You might be in the lead. That's the best one. That might be the weirdest date we've ever heard of in a show.

That's better than me on the porn star date. Yeah, yeah. Much better. Oh, definitely, yeah. Hey, Rosie and Chris. Keep reading to the end of this one, as it doesn't go as you'd expect. Okay.

About four years ago, my friend and I were out, out in the biggest club in Cardiff at the time, Oceana. Do you remember them? Oh, I remember that. There was a chain, there was one in Leeds. There was one random girl we kept seeing who was clearly absolutely steaming drunk. Her eyes were rolling in the back of her head,

she couldn't really stand or speak properly and she didn't seem to have any girlfriends with her. Oh, never. She was with what I can only describe as a creepy guy on the side of the disco room dance floor. Oh. He seemed super pervy and we just had a bad feeling about him, and she seemed a bit all over the place. My friend and I went over to try and help her,

but she was repeatedly adamant that she was fine. To be fair, she was better when we spoke to her. Got you. So she's just one of these people who looks really pissed. Some people look like Bambi on ice when they're pissed. But then you sit them down and chat with them and they're like stone cold sober and you just think, what happens to your body

when you try to walk? I've seen this before. Eventually, the boy that she was with started... I don't want to say it. You don't want to say it. You don't want to say fingering, but you've just showed me the two fingers and done an upward motion three or four times, which personally for me was worse.

These people listen to Shagmire and Ode, they understand that you started fingering. On the dance floor. On the dance floor. Finger on the dance floor. Ooh, you better not steal the groove, DJ. DJ. Ooh, you better not steal the groove, DJ.

Anyone out there who's fingering people on dancefloors, pack it in, man. Go home. I've seen it before. It's utterly disgusting. Stop it. We can all see you. You're vile.

Yeah, we can all see you're a mile. You know what? Kissing loads is weird. Stop it. But there are fine people who do that to other people on the dance floor or in a corner or whatever. They think no one can see.

Yeah. And everyone can see. We can see. We can see. Disgusting. I haven't seen it for a long time. We haven't been out for a while and I'm quite glad.

I haven't been to a nightclub for years and years and years. I'm glad of it. Are nightclubs even open yet? I don't know if they are. I don't know. Have you ever done that to anybody in a nightclub?

Think of someone in a nightclub for me germaphobe no true do you know why because the person

you've pulled on a night doesn't like it when you run off to the toilet with two fingers held in the air vomiting in your mouth going in the other hand

going in the other hand to get a pound for the guy in the toilet so he let you use the soap can I have blue roll mate hand dryers there can I have blue roll, mate? Hand dryers there. Can I have blue roll, mate? So I take that as a no.

No, I'll take that. Okay. We did try a few more times to offer to help her over the course of a couple of hours, but she wasn't having it. Sorry. What were you trying to help her with?

I don't know. Why are you starting a conversation with someone while they're being fingered? What's wrong with you? I'm just wondering why their night out is this girl. It's really... Well, they must be thoughtful and she must have been in the right state.

So fair play. We need more people like this in the world. Anyway, she wasn't having any of it. So we told the bouncers. We were concerned for her. They stepped in and we left them to it. Got you. Fast forward an hour or so later,

and my friend and I were walking back to my city centre flat. Yeah. We had to walk down a quiet road, and as we turned the corner, there were two police officers sat in a police car. Right. There was no one else around, so we ended up chatting to them.

Just a casual chat. Not really sure why. These two are pure Laura Biden citizens. Honestly, I bet. Honestly. Show them your tax return or something. Just slightly on this. It's all up to date, officer. Hello. We've just been checking out the finger and on the dance floor.

It's fine. Hi, officer. Just to let you know, I made my friend here. The two goody two-shoes. We took cock-blocking to a new level tonight, officer. We actually went and got the doorman to step in. Because we hadn't pulled, so fuck everyone else. It's Sharon.

It's Sharon. You'll never finger you. A million years. Sharon's raging. So they're just chatting to the police officers. As we were talking, finger girl from the club

is walking up the street alone towards us and the police. What are you laughing at? I love the idea. I imagine she's like kicking off. You scared him away! Anyway. We obviously see the police hoping they'll help her. Oh, we've been really worried about this girl all night. She was being fingered on the dance floor by a random.

She was kissing him and other guys for hours. And now she's on this quiet street on her own. We go into all the details of what she's been up to. It's a long street, so she's walking for a while. What? I've got my hands on my mouth because I've got a funny feeling I know what's going to happen, but say it. The police officers are deadly silent and don't say anything. And my friend and I are confused.

Oh, God. They aren't even looking at each other at this stage and it feels a little awkward. Oh, God. The girl keeps walking directly towards us. The police officer then says, That's my girlfriend. Oh! Oh. Oh!

Oh. Oh, God. In an embarrassed tone, as the girl gets in the back of the police car and they quickly drive off. Oh. My. God. The officers had come to pick her up after her night out, and one of the officers

and Finger Girl were indeed a couple. That's unbelievable. I know. I know. I'm sweating. I'm very rarely am I speechless. Yeah.

And I don't quite know what to say. Well, that's what happens when you get fingered on the dance floor. Jesus Christ. Well, it's not.

That's not what happens. No, it is. The police come and pick you up and they take you home and they start going out with you. They might marry what happens. No, it is. The police come and pick you up and they take you home and they start going out with you. They might marry you one day. Stop it.

Oh, my God. Honestly. Didn't see you coming, did you? I thought you were going to say daughter, which I think would have been... Oh, that would have been worse. Would it have been worse is my question. Yes.

I don't know if it would have been. I think it would have been worse for them two lads. I think the guy would have went off it at them, but the policeman would have went off it at them because it would have been like you slagging their daughter off and I think you'd have got really defensive. But this was obviously, what could he do? No, I think it would have been worse if it was one of their daughters.

How? Because there's no betrayal there. But I'm not being funny. Do you want your daughter to be getting fingered in Oceania by loads of different lads? I'd be absolutely livid. Absolutely not. But I'm not being funny. Do you want your daughter to be getting fingered in Oceania by loads of different lads? Well, absolutely. I'd be absolutely livid. Absolutely not. No one has ever... You say, Susan, keep your finger in your bedroom, please.

Thank you very much. You don't mean any taking it out of the nightclub. No one has ever said in the history of the world, you know what I want for my daughter? You know what I want? I just want her to get fingered in Oceania by loads of lads in Cardiff. Loads. What I'm saying is that it's going to happen. If you've got a daughter, hopefully she's not going in Oceania by loads of lads in Cardiff. Loads. What I'm saying is it's going to happen.

If you've got a daughter, hopefully she's not going to get fingered by loads of lads in Oceania. But what I'm saying is your kids grow up and have sexual activities with people. Your girlfriend isn't supposed to.

Doesn't matter where it is. Alright, okay, fair enough. Your girlfriend isn't supposed to, is my point. Yeah, but you can get rid of your girlfriend. Well, I hope he fucking did. You can't get rid of your daughter.

I love that you're going at the back of the car as well. Shall I get in the front, Gary? Back tonight, love. Get in the back. Are you wearing pants next time? Hey, honestly, poor bloke. I know, not nice, is it? Rosie. What? What if it

wasn't the same girl? What do you mean? What if it was a different girl walking down the street? How many times on a night out did you see that? In fashion and stuff, have same haircuts same dresses people wear the amount of time you must have went out and seen this girl in a similar top do you what if it was it was a long street she was in the distance ah you know it was a different girl no you would know you imagine no you would definitely know if you've however man you man blooming Sharky and George all the time Sharky and George because it's Oceania

it's an ocean didn't even think about that the crime busters of the sea Sharky and George clear a Benny fingering mystery

they've been circling all night so they know exactly what you're up to. Sharky and George knew exactly who. Sharky and George. I love that programme.

Fucking wonderful. Aren't I cleverer than I think? And it was you would have been but you just destroyed it with that sentence. Right.

So we got a lot of emails about wedding dramas. You know how we mentioned the one last year with the trip around the world and the guy would you like another one? absolutely

absolutely like another one yes okay so the similar vein but the reveal is obviously different fantastic see if you enjoy this

I've just listened to your most recent story about a man announcing his wife was cheating with his best friend on their wedding day and reminded me of a story my auntie once told me about a wedding she had been to. Oh. Auntie Elle was a friend of the groom's and the bride and groom had been together for 12 years.

I always find it weird when people get married after that long. Yeah, I know. I find it strange. Well, it just depends, doesn't it? Have we talked about it before? I think so. I just feel like they just went, okay then, no one else is coming.

Might as well get this over with. Yeah, I don't know, because you always hear stories about them when they've got married later when they don't work, but I can guarantee that there's loads of marriages that have waited and then got married and they've been fine. So, yeah, I think we're just thinking.

I suppose. They might have been saving up. They might have been waiting, So, yeah, I think we're just thinking. I suppose. They might have been saving up. They might have been waiting, they might have been saving up. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, I don't think so by the sounds of this story, but whatever. She had gone to their wedding for the full day and still to this day talks about how gorgeous the whole venue was

and how perfect the place would have been if no one had been invited. So that's nice. Wow. Some of the smaller incidents at this wedding were... One. A £1,000 bottle of champagne gifted to the couple had been stolen off the gift table and had been found in the woman's toilets completely drunk.

Empty? Empty. Fuck. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I have to respect that Do you?

I mean a few people did it No because I just thought One person took it and necked it But I think a few people did that A little gaggle That's really shitty Yeah That's really shitty

Not nice is it? Oh The best man had been dancing With a wee granny And spun her too hard She slipped and cracked her head open On the dance floor Where a waiter slipped on her blood and dislocated his shoulder.

Both had to be taken in ambulances, but both were okay. It's a fucking faulty towers. I know. But the main story came the day... You know you've got a good story when those two are your appetisers. Yeah, exactly. The main story came the next day at breakfast. Okay.

So all the guests the next morning came downstairs to the dining room of the hotel where special seats had been set out for them. Okay. As they all sat down, they noticed each table had a small envelope on their plate. And when they opened it, they all found the same sonogram photo. Immediately, everyone started cheering and screaming and heading up to congratulate the new bride and groom. However they were met with total confusion from the couple. As the whole thing was becoming very weird the maid of honor stood up, lit her glass and started to make a speech. She announced

that she was the one that was pregnant and the reason she was telling everyone now was because the groom was the father of the baby. Shit right off. Shitting hell. So the next morning she put them all out. Yeah.

Oh that is I have to respect that. It would have cost her a fortune. You'd have got to pay for them, didn't you? They're about £2 each. Yeah. Oh, my God. Apparently, the groom had not taken too kindly to the news the week before,

so the maid of honour decided to enact her revenge. As you can imagine, the whole breakfast became carnage with the bride slapping the groom and running out. My auntie decided to stay for breakfast because she had already ordered her full Scottish breakfast. I love her! Respect, Auntie Elle. Respect. And she also kept the sonogram

photo in the envelope and put it in her memory box at home. So that's it. To be fair. A lovely little weird day out. To be fair, that is a hell of a story to pull out your memory box when people want to know. That is... Wow.

Wow. I mean, can I just say, can we all just stop... If you're going to cheat, can we do it with someone that the person doesn't know, just so it's not a double fucking kick in the dick? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. All right, now strap in. Yeah.

Because this one is a little bit disgusting. So I'm warning you now, you can skip past it if you want. There's your warning, okay? Got you. Warning. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi.

I thought I'd share a fairly grim phlegm story with you. See, people don't like phlegm ones. I know. Remember the fishbowl, they don't like it. I know, I know, I'm sorry, but this isn't as bad as the fishbowl. Right, okay. Okay. Although I hope it won't make people wretch like the other phlegm story

about the cocktail I heard on your podcast. That was it. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. A couple of years ago, my husband was a bit ill and was coughing up a lot of phlegm. Oh, for God's sake. Listen.

The advice from his sister, a nurse, was to get it all out and we spent a delightful Friday night watching Netflix with him cupping up phlegm and spitting it into a bucket. Oh, for God's sake, go to the toilet, you fucking horror. Why a bucket? Oh, God. Next day, Saturday, I got back from the gym

and was pleased to see he had started cleaning the flat already. Our Saturday morning show. Great. I got a load of washing out of the machine and went out to the balcony to hang it in the sun. We don't live in the UK. Got you. As usual, I was barefoot and as soon as I stepped out on the balcony, which was wet, where my husband had cleaned the floor, I knew something was wrong. Huh?

Remembering how he cleans, and remembering we only had one bucket... Shut up. My heart sank at the slimy feeling under my toes. Oh, no way! Yes. Oh, I was going to say for a laugh when you said clean the flat. I was going to say for a laugh.

I hope he didn't use that bucket. But it seemed so obvious that I didn't even say it a laugh when you said clean the flat. I was going to say for a laugh. I hope he didn't use that bucket. But it seemed so obvious that I didn't even say it. And he's done it. He had spent the night hawking up a load of phlegm, left it in the bucket all night, then given the bucket a quick rinse in the morning before filling it with water, a little detergent, and pouring this mixture together with a fair amount of slimy phlegm,

still clinging to the sides of the bucket, onto the and i just stepped into it barefoot oh that is rotten horrible isn't it rotten yeah oh god i just fucking ice rink oh god i just don't know why you would just this is what made me read this out in the first place right because i've seen a lot of like mop buckets right that's what he's doing it stop stop showing off but carry on which you know what i mean though you could you can see it in your head a mop bucket yeah why would that be your bucket of choice just spit your phlegm in go stand up and go the toilet well get a cup what sorry no what no are people, no Stand up and go to the toilet Are you going to go to the toilet every time you've got a bit of a cough and a phlegm? Yeah, sorry, that's what you're going to have to do

No, that doesn't happen So you'd sit with a fucking mug holding the handle Chris, I've done it before Really? You've seen us Have I? You've seen us When?

You've told us off Have I? Yeah I might have blanked this out I used to have a little glass by the side of my bed That When I wasn't very well. Oh, fuck off.

Are you joking? Oh, I can't remember this. I'm not happy about this at all. Have we never talked about this? No, this is disgusting. Honestly, you know what it is? No, everyone's going to get upset at this because I feel really weird now.

I've gone all cold. Would you not do that? No, I would get up and go to the toilet every single fucking time. Every single time? Every single time. In the middle of the night? Aye, because that's just part of not being well. 85 times a night. It's just part of not being well. You've just got to get up and go to the toilet every single every single time every single night because that's just part of not being well just part of not being well you just got to get up and

go and hop in the toilet what if you can't get up because you saw just your like bones are weak and whatever i mean thankfully touch wood i've never had to experience that but why would you use a bucket a mop bucket a mop bucket why better rosie better than a fucking glass you pig. No, it's not. Someone's got to drink out of that glass. Well, I'll just wash it with extra hot water. That's disgusting.

So we've got glasses. Tell me now, we've got glasses in our cupboard that you've hot rolled in. Tell us. Tell us now. I cannot deny that fact. Oh, for fuck's sake. I remember when Robin was sick once, you had the bloomin' bowl and made pancakes and you were letting them hoi up into that. That was for fuck's sake. I remember when Robin was sick once, you had the bloomin'

bowl and make pancakes and you were letting them hoi up into that. That was nice. Still there. Yeah, that's still in the cupboard, the red one. Yeah.

Oh, God. Welcome to family life. Oh, it's just awful. That feels sad. Oh. Nappy bin. I'd choose a nappy bin. There you go.

I'd choose a nappy bin. You know the nappy bin where you put the nappy in and then you turn it around. I'd do that. I'd have, oh, sorted. I'd have the nappy bin. There you go. I'd choose a nappy bin. You know the nappy bin where you put the nappy in and then you turn it round? I'd do that. I'd, oh, sorted. I'd have the nappy bin. I'd have a full plastic thing in it.

I'd huckle into a hanky. I'd thingy it up and I'd put it in the nappy bin and I'd spin it. There you go. That's what I would do. But seeing the nappy bin smells, okay, and it were tissue,

that makes more sense. Yeah, that's what I would do. And it were tissue. Yeah. Fair enough. I know that now. Huckling in like bloody cordial. Oh, Jesus.

How much did you drink it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm now, honestly, I'm thinking I might pop the shop and get some new glasses. Million pound? Would you drink it? I couldn't. What? I couldn't physically do it.

I couldn't do it. What's in it? Are you watering down with anything? Spit. No. So it's like thick phlegm and spit and saliva. Nah. You wouldn't drink it for a million. Two million.

Two million English pounds tax free. How much of it is there? Half a glass. Half a tumbler. Half a tumbler? So like a whiskey tumbler? No, no, sorry. A big glass. So Half a tumbler. Half a tumbler? So like a whiskey tumbler? No, no, sorry. A big glass.

So a full tumbler. How much? I don't know if I could. Two million. I would try. I'd be raging if you didn't for two million. Okay, well done. I'll get it sorted.

Give Richard Branson a ring again, see if he fancies it. Richard Branson? Someone rich who's going to fund all these videos. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. a ring again, see if he fancies it. Richard Branson? Someone rich who's going to fund all these... Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant he's got a lot of phlegm. Elon Musk. No, no, no, it's not. It's got to be family phlegm.

COVID and that. Great. We'll give Elon Musk a cent a billionaire now. We'll see if he fancies. Well, there you go. Can you imagine ringing up Elon Musk or like Jeff Bezos' people and going,

I've got a business proposal. Chris and Rosie Ramsey, you might have heard of them. One of them's going to huckle in a glass until it's half full and the other one's going to drink it but we need two million pound to fund the actual drink. It's just a game of would you rather that went really wrong. Is Elon interested?

You know what, I might email them for the crash. You never know. So we'll just email them and see what we get back. Let's try it. Fingers crossed. I love that they would go, oh, is it for charity? No, no.

It's just for them. Thank you for listening to this week's Shag My Dinoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. And the book is out now, ladies and gentlemen. It's out now on Amazon, on WH Smiths, Waterstones,

and Audible. The audio book and the physical one. And maybe you get one and you can walk the shop and buy one with your hands as well. Exactly. Pick it up and that'll be good.

Yeah. So there we go. Thank you very much. I will see you next week. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe, her way, the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features her way and Toronto symphony orchestra, music director, Gustavo Jimeno in conversation together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's the right of spring followed by a complete soul stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece symphony exploder April 5th at Roy Thompson hall for tickets, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.