Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 81. Spite Salmon

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

The Ramsey's have reason to celebrate this week after becoming bestsellers and it's got Rosie pretty emotional! On the podcast the couple discuss little white lies, stranger danger, trigger warnings and orchestrated arguments. All of this plus a question from Phil Ellis and the brilliant Rosie's Mysteries. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag My Denoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. I mean, I actually don't really know

why we're bothering on the podcast because I'm much more of a book person now we are absolutely book people now absolutely book people which actually

really quickly brings us on to my sponsor before we even started because the sponsor got in touch it's very very important literary

bit of art got in touch this week and they want to be mentioned on the podcast literally immediately and they're so important very, very important literary bit of art got in touch this week. And they want to be mentioned on the podcast literally immediately. And they're so important and they're so professional and successful in the literary world that they need to be mentioned immediately.

You said literally. Literary. Literary. A lot of times. It's your ears. I don't mind. I'm not bothered that your ears are knackered because you are a mobile book person,

as you said. Don't need ears for books this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is the number one Sunday Times bestseller Shag Married Annoyed sorry

what the actual fuck sorry but someone's made a mistake somewhere along the line recount recount I demand oh no hold on

I don't demand a recount. No, because it's for us. It's fine. Let them cock it up. Two things to say. One, what the fuck. Yeah. Two, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you all so much. It was stiff competition in our book charts this week. It really, really was. There were some big, big, big books out there. Yeah.

And non-fiction, we came in number one. Number one, Sunday Times bestseller. Don't I'll cry. I've cried all week um i never thought the book was that this is going to sound terrible all right it was very important it was you know a process to write it never thought i was going to write a book so i

never it wasn't really in my achievements yeah not on your bucket list not on my bucket list getting a number one sunday times bestseller but mean, now that we've got it, it's incredible and very proud of us. Well done. Well done. High five. Well done. Okay.

Well done. Yeah. Should we have sex to celebrate? Oh, come on. That's not what I do. That's a lot. New York Times bestseller. I might let you wank as well.

Oh. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, God. At'm sorry. Oh, God. At the awards. It'll be on Zoom, so no one will know. Oh, yeah. Honestly.

They've made a mistake. There's someone at the Sunday Times now who's fucking raging. I think they'll all be crying the bloke who gave the podcast a two star review he's gonna be gutted

he was from the Times wasn't he yeah yeah yeah I think he just works during the week though oh well that's fine you'll miss it you'll miss it thank you everyone

fucker thanks guys we love yous thank you so much here's the jingle here it is we had a fight about the jingle jingle we it is. We had a fight about the jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag and Married and Annoyed. Now we've got the bragging and gloating out of the way. Listen, you've got to give with that. If anyone's listening now going, I can't believe they're bragging.

Come on, man. You've got to give with that. Please. I was only saying that to be polite. I don't give a fuck. I'm buzzing. I'm literally buzzing. So yeah, anyway,

thank you so much for buying the book. It's been a phenomenal week of sales. Yeah, it's been great. But back to what we do. Bloody back to the meat and potatoes. The bread and butter. Yeah. The purd.

The purd. The what? The purd. The purd curse. The purd curse. Yeah, guys, this is episode 81. Thank you so much for listening and liking. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that stuff. The Purge. The Purge. Yeah, guys, this is episode 81. Thank you so much for listening and liking. Please continue to like, rate, and subscribe

and all that stuff. It's lovely. And yeah, thanks. What have you been up to, Ros? Apart from crying at your stupid book. Loser. Yeah, crying a lot. We should put that video on.

It might be on by now. It might be on Rosie's socials by now when we got the call from Penguin to say what number one Sunday Times bestseller. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet. Ree sat in the garden and Rosie just sat there. I phoned my mum to tell my mum. And then as I was on the phone with my mum,

I could just sort of hear Rosie going, and I was like, what the fuck is she doing? And I looked and there was tears just pissing down your face. I was like, mum, I'm going to have to go. Chris, this is like, you know, it's a huge thing. It's a huge thing that I just didn't ever think would happen to me. So I'm just buzzing. I'm very happy about it.

I mean, other authors in the world will be seething. But that's fine because we're happy. Just on the lines of the book, I did get a message from someone. I just want to clear it up really quickly. Somebody messaged me and said, I have one question about your book that has confused the hell out of me. Have any other Samars picked up on this?

Oh, God. And it just said, you mentioned in one of your chapters about wearing your older sister's clothes and that you have three siblings. You have only ever mentioned Kate and Kevin. Do you have another sibling? And they put, sorry to be personal,

but I have reread the chapter over and over to make sense in my head. Love you all. I don't have any other siblings that I know of. That was just an error on my part. So I've said that I've got three siblings. I've only got two. Well, get them,

email the editor so they can change that for the one that says Sunday Times bestseller on the front, bracket you can't count our fucking brothers and sisters because she's an idiot. I just thought it tied in nicely

with mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Brilliant. So there we go. Just wanted to clear that up in case anyone else has been stressing out about that. I mentioned it on the podcast before that when I was younger and a friend, I must have been about five or three, like four or five years old and a friend of mine from a street called Andrew came to my house.

He was a bit older and I must have said this, he picked up a photo, my mum told us off because he picked up a photo of me when i was younger yeah and he said oh chris chris who's this and i went oh it's my brother but he died no and like i said it was just you know when you're a kid you tell mad stories mad lies have you mentioned this before have you told me i don't think you've said this on the podcast but you've told me this my mom went like ballistic yeah you don't think you've said this on the podcast, but you've told me this. My mom went ballistic. She was like, don't you tell people that. That's horrific, Chris. It's really weird.

It's dark as fuck, that, isn't it? So you told your friend that the picture that was actually of you was your brother who died. That's some grim shit right there. Well, he's stupid for not realizing it was me. I was clearly only a couple of years older than what the photo was, but yeah, I was like, that's my brother, but he died. And he was like, oh.

And he apparently obviously just went and asked my mom. My I was like that's my brother but he died and he was like oh and he apparently obviously just went and asked my mum and my mum was like no he's lying bloody hell that's what kids with no siblings do

pretend they had them and then died it's tragic so lonely you would have been the kid that if I'd not round with my mum would be like

you're not going there anymore yeah because you'd come home and tell that story and it would be like sorry they're off the list they're off the party invite list we've got all this coming yeah because you come home and tell that story and it'll be like sorry they're off the list they're off the party

invite list we've got all this coming we've got all this coming robbing bullshit into people do you really think you'd tell someone that a picture of him

as a dead sibling yeah I mean that's another level you're opening up a can of worms here about yourself I used to tell kids I used to lie all the time I used to tell kids

I had loads of Lego in the loft I was like yeah I've got loads of Lego it's in the loft you still lie now all the tell kids I had loads of Lego in the loft. I was like, yeah, I've got loads of Lego. It's in the loft. It's always in the loft. You still lie now? All the Lego I tell people about that's in the loft is true now. No, no.

Thank you. This has been one of my beefs before. You white lie all the time about really shit stuff where I go, you're lying, and you go, I'm not. And I'm like, you are, you're lying. I know that you're lying. And you get really defensive about it. And I'm like, well, that's the first sign of a lie.

And you're, oh, you're a little. But it's not big things though. It's just little things, is it? White lies. Yeah. Yeah, little white lies. But pathetic, pointless little white lies. That you're worried about getting in trouble.

Speaking of lying, I can give you an example. Yeah. Very recently of when you just blatantly lied to me face. Yeah. Do you remember? I know, yes. Last night? Yes. In bed? Just before going to to me face. Yeah. Do you remember? I know, yes. Last night? Yes.

In bed? Just before going to bed last night. Yeah, just before going to bed, Robin was in our bed, bloody coming in the middle of the night like a little ninja. And I subsequently got shoved off the other side of the bed because we've got a super king bed, but he brings his pillow in with him, doesn't he?

So it needs to be three pillows wide now. So it's like three pillows wide which is not wide enough but anyway i always end up overlapping my pillow with robin's and i'll get on the end and i said to you like are you right on the end because i'm like logistically this is not it doesn't work so i shouldn't be this wedged in and you replied i'm on the edge i'm right on the edge i even heard you yeah hanging over i heard you move actually and i was like oh well he must be and then i lay there and i thought no he can't be on the end so didn't i out of nowhere i got up bearing in mind i'm six months pregnant i leapt up and i didn't say anything and i felt next to the side of your head and what was

there well there was a gap r Ramsey. There was a massive gap between you and your pillow and the bed and the bedside table. About a hand spread... A hand spread. Width. Oh, we're measuring gaps here. We're fucking measuring a horse.

Yeah. Whatever. I was seething. You, first of all, have a giant pregnancy pillow, which is just ridiculous. It's massive. It's the size of...

It's like having a dead body in the bed with her. So we're taking up all that room. Robin ends up leaning right onto me and lying on us and putting his red hot hand on the back of my neck, which he keeps doing,

which I hate. I hate it so much. Like, I love him so much, but I just... Basically, if you watch a UFC, right, at the end of a round, the fighter goes and sits on his stool and the corner man will regularly

put a bag of ice at the base of the neck to cool it because it's really quick to cool you down right to cool the fighter down it's also a really quick way to fucking heat someone up by just putting a red hot toddler's hand on the back of your neck like at the top of your spine

back of your neck it just warms us up immediately I hate it it's the old pillows doing that and I have to I do yeah yeah deduction skills

it was like being in bed with Sherlock fucking Holmes well why did you lie about it though? Because I wanted more space. What? You, you little wanker. So I said, so I said, oh no, my pillow's hanging right over the edge. Hanging off the edge. And I thought I got away with that.

And then you were just, I heard a bit of movement and I turned and in the darkness, you were just like over us. And I was like, what are you doing? And as I went, what are you doing? I quickly slid my pillow and I thought I've got away with that. But what you did.

So you had more space than what I felt. Yeah, but then what you did, which I was very impressed by, you then went back and felt the space ac fe wnes i ddynnu fy pilw ac fe ddysgais fy mod i wedi cael fy hun â hynny. Felly roeddech chi'n cael mwy o amser na'r hyn rwy'n teimlo. Ie, ond yna, yr hyn rydych chi'n ei wneud, a oeddwn i'n hynod o'n ymwneud â hyn, fe wnes i fynd yn ôl ac fe wnes i teimlo'r amser rhwng fy pilw a robin's pilw ac fe wnes i ddysgu bod yna farchnad, ac fe ddysgais, dyma chi wedi symud hynny, y bwysleidrwch. Ac roeddwn i'n ysgrifennu. Oherwydd dyna'r sgwrs y byddwch yn sgwrsio amdano. Dyna'r pethau sgwrsol y byddwch yn sgwrsio amdano.

Ac mae hynny'n anodd. Ac yn onest, byddwch yn llwyddo. Byddwch yn llwyddo a'r hwyl. Byddwch yn llwyddo eich bach bach. Dwi'n hapus i gael y hwyl, pan fyddwch yn cymryd y pilw o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd o'r ff And honestly, it'll end. It'll end in divorce. That will, your little life. Listen, I'd happily get divorced as long as you take that fucking pregnancy pillow out of my bed. It's absolutely massive. It's really nice. Don't slag it off.

It's massive. It's unnecessary and ridiculous. It's huge. As is your fucking face. Penis, thank you. Thank you. Penis. You said penis.

What, massive and unnecessary? Very unnecessary. At the minute, aye. It's done its job. we're not here for pleasure back in it's box until next oh there'll be no next time babadoo babadoo babadoo

something happened the other day and I just wanted to bring it up on here because I don't know whether you're going to resonate with this or whether anyone listening will but me and my friend took the kids to soft play the other

day yeah and before it started the soft play that we went to is um in an amusement park in south fields yeah so the kids went to the amusement park before the soft play had opened and there was like one of them games you know the motorbikes where you sit on them oh yeah yeah and they rock from side to side and And they were like, can we have some money for this? Can we have some money for this? And I was like, no, no, mammy's got no money. And Rachel, my friend was like, no, no,

got no money today, we're not going on them. So they just kind of sat on them. And then it just sparked a memory in my mind of, do you remember when you were a kid and you were at the amusement and you do that same thing of can i have some money and your mom be like no no you can sit on it you can have a turn but you're not getting any money got no money today all my money's gone blah blah and then some other kids would come along whose parents were nice and gave them money and do you remember

just standing watching other kids play oh yes on the rides yes from sidelines. Yes, yes. Again, a very, very, so I talk in the book about how as an only child on holiday, I made friends. Another thing I used to do when I was bored on holidays as an only child was I'd knock around the machines to see if anyone had left any money in. Grim. So sometimes, say someone was playing on Mortal Kombat or whatever, and they'd put like 100 percenters in, and it was 25 percenters a go ago and they'd had three restarts but they hadn't

took their fourth restart yeah oh i got free game have i ever told you the story when my brother got lost in b and q no okay my kev he was only about three he got lost in b and q in south shields when b and q was in south shields right so my mom and dad were like panicking freaking out like couldn't find him he'd ran off just from them and they were like oh had to, right? So my mum and dad were like panicking, freaking out. Like couldn't find him. He'd ran off just from them. And they were like, oh, had to put a tannoy out and everything, right? For some reason, something amazing happened to me that day. Okay, Kev not so much. Obviously he was upset, got lost.

I went to the postman pack machine. There was a postman pack machine there. Endless amount of rides. I don't know what was wrong with it. Sorry. Sorry. This is a true story. know what was wrong with it. Sorry. This is a true story. Your brother got lost that day.

Yeah. Traumatic experience for him. Yeah. And your main takeaway from that was when you went at the Postman Park Machine, it was unlimited rides. Unlimited rides. Something had happened.

I think somebody must have put too much money in. And I sat in there and I had about four shots. And I didn't put any money in. I'm not even joking. Sandra, ma'am, you need to confirm that because I remember that happening. No, no, I believe you. It's not like I don't put any money in. I'm not even joking. Sandra, ma'am, you need to confirm that because I remember that coming.

No, no, I believe you. It's not like I don't believe you. No. Everyone's running around just, where's Kevin? Lock the doors. Get a surge party. Get, quick.

You just fucking. Postman pet. Postman pet. Postman pet. Postman pet. Postman pet. I mean, the thing you really need to take. With all of the ma'am stuff.

Did your ma'am go, I need to find Kevin? Quick, get in here. You're sitting there with a fucking plant and a pot of emulsion. Well, that's what you really need to take from it because Kev went missing. So he was about three. I'm only two and a half years older than Kev. So I was only five and a half.

I was on that ride by myself. So, you know, I don't know what parenting skills my parents had at the time, but they were looking for Kevin. Oh, God. And I was just there on my own. He was on the noddy one at Wicks across the road. Yes.

Not unlimited rides or was it Kevin? Sucker. I don't know where Kate was. Probably. I don't know. Looking at colour charts. Oh.

I'll get this for my bedroom. Oh, that'll go lovely with my paisley sheets. I don't know, Kate. That this for my bedroom. Oh, that'll go lovely with my paisley sheets. If you don't know Kate, that was bang on though. That was absolutely bang on. Love you, Kate. So, as we all know, you know, the world is upside down.

Unprecedented times and all the other fucking shit that people keep saying. Hope you're all okay. Hope you're all mentally coping with it. I'm not. Not more than six of you at once, though. But anyway. I'm not coping. I know you're not.

I'm not. You've had enough, haven't you? Yeah, I retweeted a picture the other day. It was a picture of, do you know in the Titanic, when they get to the, you know, when they're about to go back under, and it's all flooded, and it said mentally, I'm here.

And I was like, yes, Omar. Yeah. That's where I am. Yeah, I'd agree. But for me, it's the bullshit that's come on with it. It's the bullshit. It's the pointless stuff. It's the weird little shitty bits. What do you mean?

The other night, I went to order a pizza. Yeah. From a very reputable pizza company. And I went on the website and I was looking for half and half, right? Half and half is when you get half of one flavor. So you've got pepper on one side and meatball and cream peppers on the website and I was looking for half and half right half and half is when you get half of one flavour so you've got pepper

on one side and meatball and cream peppers on the other side whatever and I couldn't find half and half I was like website's always just not working

I phoned them up and I said I'm on your website here I'm trying to customise a pizza she went yeah you can customise a pizza what do you want on the pizza I went yeah any toppings anything like that

she went yeah yeah whatever you want I went okay can I have half and half she went no you can't have half and half why because of covid shut up which is I mean why is that what's that got to do with a virus genuinely and I went so I can have I went sorry and I wasn't a dickhead I try my hardest not to be a dickhead with people because you know

someone always fucking someone will spot it I hear I get a tweet and it upsets us um although I did some once someone did say that I was in tweet and it upsets us although I did once someone did say that I was in a local someone on Facebook said that I was in a local restaurant once and that I said to the waiters

do you know who I am and I fucking guarantee I didn't do that that was funny I was amazing well they said that you were with me at the time they said I was with you

and that never happened A you would never have let me get away with that and B that restaurant was actually where we had the after party thing for Robin's christening so yeah

ridiculous bullshit but people make shit up about it all the time but yeah so I went really I went where you had the after-party thing for Robin's christening. So yeah, ridiculous. Bullshit. But people make shit up about it all the time. But yeah, so I went, really, I went, I can't do half and half. She went, no, COVID. I went, right.

I went, but I can get any toppings at all, any amount of toppings on the pizza, on any size pizza, on any crust. She went, yeah. I went, but I can't go half of them on one side and half on the other.

She went, no. Why? I've got no fucking idea. And there's so many little things like that. crust she went yeah i went but i can't go half of them on one side and half on the other she went no why i've got no fucking and there's so many little things like that if you spotted them email in right because there's so many little things where people are going covid and you go is it covid or have you decided you don't want to do this certain thing finally finally we have a reason is it really covid or is it your fucking golden ticket to stop doing a thing? Do you know what I mean? Look, I'm not a COVID denier as that's a thing now.

I'm not saying any of that. And if it is genuinely so, like Greggs, Greggs, I went into Greggs, three, four weeks on the belt when the first moment I went, you got any studies? No studies. I went, well, I went COVID. And I went, and again, I went, not COVID, what the fuck? And they went, oh, it's social distancing at the bakery. It's certain. And I went, and again, I went, not COVID. What the fuck? And they went, oh, it's social distancing at the bakery.

It's certain. And I went, that makes perfect sense. But half and half from Domino's. There's no fucking reason. You mentioned it. Yeah, fucking it was Domino's. Fuck you, Domino's. No, stop doing that, Rosie.

Stop it. No, I should have had a Domino's black card for years ago. Stop slagging off Domino's because you do genuinely love Domino's. I love Domino's, but God damn it. Yeah. So I just, someone said it was recently, the other day. I love Domino's, but... You regret saying this. God damn it. Yeah. So I just... Someone said it was recently, the other day when I mentioned it to someone,

they said, oh, it'll be so like they don't want you to share a pizza with someone. But it's coming to me house. That's it to me. I could share a fucking large pepperoni with someone. Do you know what I mean? Chris, the whole thing is extremely confusing. I think that's what's the saddest thing

about what's going on right now. It's the bullshit that surrounds it and the confusion and the snapping and the changing and if i hear the word bubble ever again i'm gonna cry they've ruined bubbles bubbles used to be lovely wasn't bubble a lovely word it was a really nice word and you'd go oh a nice day should we get the bubble machine out now everyone's gonna hear bubble and be like have a be like why is nana having a fit when they've got the bubbles out oh she lived through covid 19 actually she had a bubble with her family she's very upset about it bubbles so yeah anyway nana can we get the round floating soapy orb machine out? We can, son. Of course you can.

We can. Well done. Thank you. Nana, do you mean the... Shut up! So yes, anyway, the lady from Domino's, I broke her in the end, because in these moments I always try and make them laugh

and I couldn't really make her laugh. But then she said, delivery, pay on cash or card? And I went, card. And she went, long number? And I told her the long number. And she said, expiry date? I told her the expiry date. date and then she said last three digits on the back and i said i'm sorry i can't give you them covid and she laughed well there you go i got her you got your laugh

come on well done so we did um saturday kitchen uh the weekend which was very good fun and you managed to not vomit on live telly i didn't know it because i got my food heaven jack potato so i was buzzing you did indeed boring rubbish waste of a morning uh jack potato was terrible now um something exciting happened that i think our podcast fans would um would like to know about what so obviously we started this podcast you didn't have a job then you got a job which was podcaster then you got another job which which was podcaster. Then you got another job, which was author. Yeah. Right? And then next year, once the tour comes back on... What about the gram? The gram.

I get paid for the gram. Not a real job. Well, I mean, tell that to the taxman. Well, yeah, I wish he'd listen. Is he still charging us for my fake job? Then next year, you'll be a tourer as well. Yeah. You'll be doing the tours.

Yep, yep. But you graduated from Jobbin to something else didn't you the other day I don't know what you're talking about so we were in the dressing room at Saturday Kitchen

oh no you're not going to see yep we were in the dressing room at Saturday Kitchen and the guys came in and they got some what's the place called Ocado or something

Ocado we don't I don't think we get Ocado the deliver the deliver stuff they do all the all the different supermarkets yeah use Ocado you something Ocado I don't think we get Ocado up here the Deliver stuff they do all the different supermarkets use Ocado

you can get loads of I've genuinely never tried it myself I would like to try it but it's up here it's not up here so I'd never heard of this brand

and apparently the Deliver stuff and they send stuff to Saturday Kitchen they send some non-alcoholic wine for Rosie because I think

the producer said look we're going to do this wine can you send us some and the producer came in and said look Ocado have sent this but they said oh we're fans of rosie and so here we'll send her and send her a little a little set of smellies but then they sent her a little jar of pickles as

well because to send it it had to be over a certain amount so he said it's all gotta be over a certain amount so they've sent you a jar of pickles because they know you like pickles and rosie guys rosie sat on the sofa in the green in the dressing room in our dressing room held a little jar pickles in the air looked at the producer and looked at me and went II so someone at a card who knows that I like pickles and they've sent us these pickles II am I an important person now I couldn't breathe for laughing. It was,

I'm out here, I'm out of my mouth, I'm losing my toothbrush, but I'm an important person now. Oh, don't. Hey, I felt all juicy inside.

It was lovely. So funny. Really lovely. Oh, bless you. It was very, very nice. It was a nice thing to see.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind this past few years. Yeah. Thank you to whoever that was at that company who got the pickles because I think I probably ate them this morning

while she was doing a fucking walk or something. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. I'm Rosie Ramsey and this is Rosie's Mysteries. This is Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Couldn't believe that he got it wrong last week I've done the

wrong one oh shit fucking hell oh man okay hang on can I just say we've been listening to a lot of

crime podcasts yeah just went down and did Saturday Kitchen and you listened to a crime podcast and that was

very very good crime podcast that's how I wanted to do it yeah but can I just can I critique it slightly because they do it slightly differently

you did it in the wrong order right well they'll go they'll go this is Rosie's Mysteries I'm Rosie Manzi oh yes they'll do the name at the end

okay yeah they'll go you know this is Man in the Window I'm Chad whatever the name is I don't know Chad he was very good actually

he was great in that Chad Blitkebaker he was great in that one of the top one of the top podcasters in America okay well listen a little bit well I never knew that

hey bloody hell fuck man you're kidding I'm not number one no way yes way mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries yes way right there can't be much there can't be many weeks left in this for fuck's sake well actually

there is a lot of weeks left in this because as you might have noticed i'm changing the format we're just we're going with it the viewers are getting in touch and distinct listeners sorry not winging it winging it is the word yeah i am winging it making it go along as you know i go through the emails it's a load of toss but carry on well yeah but whatever so it's a podcast but we get we've had over 45 million downloads so i don't know what people want anymore. I like slagging you off. I just enjoy it any chance I get. Great. Got a few emails with suggestions.

Okay. Hate them. Hate them. Hate suggestions. Great, yeah. Don't suggest stuff to me. A bit of a dick like that. But anyway, one of them was quite good.

Great. So I'm going to take heed. Oh, great. Steal one. Well, a lot of people were getting annoyed that the mystery was quite good. Great. So I'm going to take heed. Oh, great. Steal one. Well, a lot of people were getting annoyed that the mystery was never solved. Right. And I just thought, well, you need to get a life

because who gives a shit? Can you not listen to something and just be aware that it's bullshit? But no, people need the solving. So what I've done is I've took a cue from the pew, a question from the public, and this week let's just trial it, okay? A little trial run.

I'm going to read you half the story, and then you're going to try and guess what happens at the end. That's, that's amazing, yes!

Right, okay. Do you like that idea? Yeah! Right then, well, there we go. A lot of people would sort of do this off air, like trial it,

you know, and come up with a format, but you've just run it, you've run it from the ground up, haven't you? Well, this is what we've done with the full thing. Why would I stop now

let's do it exactly you know let's try it out on air okay through the podcast the listeners

you are part of the podcast yeah you are they're part of it so why why would we close the door on them don't you be closing the door on my mates

so anyway this is the the mystery this week let's try this out okay I kind of missed true and False myself, but whatever. Great. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Please keep me anonymous. This is not my story, but is my best mate who is a radiographer, but thought you would appreciate it. Is that how you say it? Radiographer? Radiographer. Radiographer. Radiographer.

Radiographer. Radiographer. I don't know And honestly Don't care All we hear is Radiographer When my mate was in his first term

As a qualified Radiographer A man I like that I really like that A man was presented to A&E With pains In his bum Great Mysteries When he was sent to A&E with pains in his bum.

Great. Mysteries. When he was sent to have an x-ray, it was at this point the patient admitted that he had put a butternut squash up himself three days ago. God damn, everyone. Are you going to Google a butternut squash? No.

Are you sure? They're big. I grabbed my laptop to almost Google butternut squash, but I don't need to Google butternut squash because No. Are you sure? They're big. I grabbed my laptop to almost Google butternut squash but I don't need a Google butternut squash because I've just worked

which end? It must have gone slim end first. It would have to go the slim end first. Otherwise, what's happening there? It's like having a baby

out your arse. Up your arse. Anyway. Oh, hey. He tried to pass it naturally but with no luck. So now, he has to admit defeat and go to hospital. He tried to pass it naturally But with no luck So now He has to admit defeat

And go to hospital Tried to pass it naturally Three days That was up there Sorry so the whole thing Went up then Yeah the full butternut squash Oh my word

Do you think it was just Hanging out the bottom of his I thought it might just Yeah just coming out Like a little lightbulb The whole thing The whole thing Yeah

I mean what did he start with what do you mean like you don't just go one day fancy something up my arse but on a squash you start with well he's obviously started

a lot smaller that's what they do maybe a green bean maybe start with a green bean I mean that's very slim that's slimmer than a finger hey you've got to start somewhere you've got to start somewhere

I'd say he probably started at like a carrot or something. Carrot. Okay. And then progressed. He was probably working his way to a watermelon but he never got there. That's why he's banned from the greengrocers. Now, from saying the x-ray the doctor confirmed that surgery

was required. Never in the world. Please be aware that this hospital is a training hospital so student doctors were present at the time of surgery. Phenomenal. So in the world. Please be aware that this hospital is a training hospital, so student doctors were present at the time of surgery. Phenomenal. So, the bloke is now in surgery and clamps are inserted to open up his bum as required.

Piss off. No. No. Clamps. Like, oh. Like clamping a car. No. As they started to No, no, no. As they started to widen the hole... Sorry. As they started to widen the hole...

As they started to widen the hole... I've got a feel for this. This is when you come in and you're going to try now to guess what happened. I actually have what happened here. This is the grimmest fucking thing. Would you like the clock on us?

This is like if... Can you remember Goosebumps Choose the Ending? Where you read a Goosebumps and it was like, if you want to stay in the museum and look for the mummy, go to page 48. If you want to go through the portal, go to whatever. Yeah, this is like the grimmest one of them ever. This is like if I found one of these in a bookshop,

I'd burn the bookshop to the ground. So cue us up again there. So the bloke is in surgery and the clamps are required to open up his thing. As they start to widen the hole, the... The... However, what do you think is going to happen? What do you think is going to... Well, I mean, I've got a few questions.

Have they used a knife or are they just opening the man's bum? Like why? They're just clamping it open. Like a bloody... Oh God. Stretching it. That's what I'm thinking of. Do you know's going to happen? What do you think's going to... Well, I mean, I've got a few questions. Have they used a knife or are they just opening the man's bum? Like, why? They're just clamping it open. Like a bloody... Oh, God. Stretching it. I'm thinking of... Do you know them, like,

drawstring, like, boot bags you had for PE? Yeah. Do you know what the All Sports bag used to be like when you bought something from All Sports? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the Apple one from the Apple shop.

I'm just thinking of that. Well, that's the... Just draw... That they're opening it. Oh, for fuck's sake. So as the... Read it again. Oh, for fuck's sake. So, as the... Read it again. Oh my word.

Just the last bit. As they start to widen the hole, the... The. Just whatever you think's gonna... You're ruining this segment. Right, okay, the. So, it's either gonna be... It's gonna be two things.

It can't be mine or patient. Or it could be mine woke up. It could be the man woke up. It could be the butternut squash something uh came out fucking cooked um it could be the clamps broke um you got picked one it could be the anus toe oh and that's what i don't want it to be that's the one i left at the last okay i'm gonna go along the lines i'll do the step by step here i'm gonna go and go with the man woke up okay all right you think the man woke up yeah all right okay well i can tell you yeah the pressure of

his muscles relaxed which caused the butternut squash to explode all across the doctors students and the whole theater fuck me this led to few of them throwing up and the poor doctor having to scoop out by hand the butternut squash mash out of the man's backside. Oh, like when you make a fucking Halloween pumpkin, getting all the stuff out and carving an eye on his arse cheek. Oh, you're joking. It turns out that the three days up this man's bum had slow roasted the butternut squash.

I told you, I fucking said that. You did say that. I should get half a point. Yes, and the button of squash. I told you! I fucking said that! You did say that. I should get half a point. Yes. And the pressure of his muscles were holding it together. And then the person said, thought this story would suit the podcast. So thank you so much.

Oh, it absolutely suits the podcast. So you can have half a point there. And I'll start keeping points for you. There you are, okay? God, Lord. I think that's worked quite nicely. That's horrendous. I know.

Oh, my God. Did you enjoy it? Oh, nicely. That's horrendous. I know. Oh, my God. Did you enjoy it? No. No one enjoyed that. Not even the bloke. Especially not the bloke. You'll never do that again. Or Willie.

Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Imagine you were one of them daughters and you got home that night and you were like, what's for tea? And your wife was like, well, we've got butternut squash. No! No! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! you got home that night and you were like what's for tea and your wife was like well we've got butternut squash and no!

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH the Centre for Addiction

and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for

every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com. it's time for what's your beef what's your beef lasagna oh beef lasagna oh i wouldn't mind a lasagna no uh no not this week no gate crashing not this week there's too much going on too much going on too busy i think he's still upset from last week to be honest with the books i mean that 900 definitely helped her get to the other 900 that barry needs me yeah yeah yeah bestseller so yeah i'm buzzing with that thanks thanks baz got you back love you ladies first what's your beef so

i've got a couple of beefs great i've got the one beef that i don't know if you want me to mention okay um because a bit of a private beef and i think you might be a bit embarrassed about it so i don't know whether to mention it or not then i've got the safer beef i'm always put in a weird position when you do which one would you like i don like? Because I need to hear what it is, but then we'd have to cut it out, wouldn't we? Okay, well, shall we just do it in case? Yes, just do it in case. So the main beef, which happened two nights ago,

was we were sat watching the TV, and obviously, as a lot of you will hopefully know by now, I'm six months pregnant, carrying our child. It's definitely Chris's. Haven't had sex with anyone else because lockdown, COVID. Oh, that's her only reason. That great that's that's the only reason hasn't had sex with anyone else because lockdown didn't want because we're not because we're married and in love didn't want to infect the bubble um so baby is moving a lot now at the minute really exciting it's lovely as a woman when you feel your baby it's great um so we were sat watching the telly and i said to

chris i felt the baby moving quite a lot and i was like chris this baby's moving you were like oh Cyn i chi ddod i'r ffurfiad, mae'n wych. Felly roedden ni'n gwylio'r teledi ac fe ddweudais i Chris, roeddwn i wedi teimlo'r ffurfiad yn symud yn llawer ac roeddwn i'n dweud, Chris, mae'r ffurfiad yn symud. Roedden ni'n dweud, o, wych, hyfryd, ac roeddwn i'n dweud, cyntaf, cwm a'i teimlo, cwm a'i teimlo, cwm a'i teimlo, rhoi'ch ddau ar y ffurfiad. Chris wedi'i ddod i mewn, wedi rhoi'r ddau ar ei ffurfiad mewn sefyllfa anodd iawn, roedd gen i ymddygiad ar ei wyneb, o, nid ydw i'n gallu gwneud hyn, Had an expression on his face of, I can't be arsed to do this. Why are you interrupting me now to feel the baby, our baby. Put his hand in an awkward position and had to move. Didn't look at me whilst feeling my stomach.

Didn't see anything. Kept watching the telly. Kept watching the telly. So to which I grabbed your hand and pushed it off and went, right. If you don't want to feel the baby moving, then get your hand off me stomach, you dick. And you then lied and said, I was trying to pause the telly. You weren't trying to pause the telly. You were watching the telly instead of feeling your unborn child in my womb.

And it really upset us. Like, you don't even understand you finished am I finished I'm finished couple of things okay first of all

for comedy value I was just going to admit to watching the telly I was going to say oh it was the boys on Amazon Prime Rosie was it a really good bit

but you've you've passed that point by being cheeky yeah you've passed that point so you're gonna

you're gonna get some facts dropped on you. Great, can't wait. So for some reason... Are you listening? Are you listening, Rona? Are you listening? She's your dad.

She's touching her stomach. She's your dad's. So, I genuinely was trying to feel the baby. First of all, you were like, do you want to feel the baby? I was like, yeah.

You were like, quick, quick, quick. Like, you know, like it's on its way out. Like it's fucking popping its coat on to fuck off for the night. How you how did you know it had to be quick first of all you didn't know it was about to stop it's like i do i know my body better than you it's not your body it's the baby's body why are you trying to why are you trying to own the baby's body

that baby's got rights right first of all no idea if it was going to stop and i'd be like quick quick quick now um shout out to Amazon Prime I don't know why on The Boys season two of The Boys you've got to put the subtitles on there's a bit where

two of the characters talk and one of them's talking a different language and one of them's talking sign language for some reason the subtitles don't come up you've got to put them

on and off now me doing that did something to the remote and I couldn't pause it I was trying to pause it I wasn't trying to watch it I was looking going why the fuck isn't this doing and then I was trying to find the button that gets you back to the remote and i couldn't pause it i was trying to pause it right i was wasn't trying to watch it i was looking going why the fuck isn't this doing and then i was trying to find the button that gets you off the back to the menu just so i could do it right yeah yeah yeah that was

that was basically what i was trying to do there yeah right but another one i'm not enjoying feeling the baby at this point because you make us push really hard and it freaks us out right so maybe i was maybe i was sort of deflecting to try and get me, you know what I mean, maybe subconsciously I was like, I'm not really committed to this situation. Because you literally go, here, Chris, feel the baby. Give it your hand and push it right in there. And push it, child.

Can you feel it moving? Yes, I can feel it moving, Rosie, because I think I'm suffocating the fucking thing. No, push! Come on, push right there! No. I don't want to. You were watching the telly. I wasn't. I'll say it till the day I die. On your deathbed, I'll be telling the birds

he was watching the telly instead of feeling you in my womb. And it was very upsetting. Don't do it again. Next time this baby moves, I want you there. Right? You are going to... Every night while we're watching the telly, when we're together, your hand is on my stomach.

Right? Don't you dare. I'm doing this on my own, Ramsey. Yeah. All you have to do is have a little feel every now and again. Just pretend you're feeling it. You make us push too hard and I don't like it. You make us push really hard and I don't like it.

Great. It's frightening. It's your stomach. You know how hard, but I don't. Well, great. One more thing. Could have just rewound the telly. Rewind wasn't working. None of the buttons were working. Mae'n eich cymysgedd, rydych chi'n gwybod sut anodd, ond dwi ddim yn gwneud hynny. Wel, gwych. Un peth arall. Oedd hi'n gallu ail-dreinio'r teled. Oedd ei ail-dreinio'n ddim yn gweithio.

Nid oedd y botwmau yn gweithio. Dwi dweud y gwna i wedi'i gwblhau. Ie. Yn unrhyw fath, gadewch i ni ddod yn ôl i'w ysgrifennu. Beth ydych chi'n ei wneud? Yn amlwg, mae'r peth sy'n amlwg yn ein cysylltiad yn ein hwyliad yw eich bod chi'n ddwylo. Rydych chi'n gadael pethau yn ymlaen. Mae'n dechrau mynd i'r lefel nesaf nawr. Dwi ddim yn gwybod os oes gennym ni wedi bod yn y tŷ am ddwy hwyl. Ongoing thing in our relationship is that you are just messy and you just leave stuff lying around. It's starting to go to the next level now.

I don't know if it's because we've been in the house for too long. I don't know if it's because I'm just noticing more things. A couple of things this week. You have purchased for the bathroom. I mentioned it on the Zoom I did the other night. You have purchased for the bathroom a washing up basket to put in the room where you normally leave your clothes on the floor, which is two rooms away from the laundry room where there is a basket. You've purchased another basket just so that you didn't have to pick your clothes up off the floor and walk them one room over to the laundry room,

which is one of the laziest things I've ever seen in my life. Our son thought it was a seat, went to sit on it the other day and fell in it. Worth all of the money that I paid for it. To be fair, that did pay for itself that night. Yeah, exactly. Second thing, so you've done that, so that's unbelievable. It's like literally, you're one step away from just putting a dirty washing basket in every room.

I would, if I could. Yeah, or maybe some kind of chute system, where you just put them in and they just go through a little chute and end up in the thing, like an apartment block. Genuinely thought about that as well. Yeah, great. You also, for as long as we've been together.

Yeah, well, you do too. I'm doing two. For as long as we, did you do two? No. I'm doing another one. Same thing, really. You always leave things

at the bottom of the stairs to take upstairs. It's your thing. It's your little checkpoint. A lot of people do it. You leave something at the bottom of the stairs to take it up. You your thing. It's your little checkpoint. A lot of people do it. You leave something at the bottom of the stairs to take it up. You've started doing it the other way.

I've noticed more and more shit is now being left at the top of the stairs to be brought down to the stairs. There's like a two-way checkpoint. There's a queue. I'm pregnant. I'm trying to be really careful

I'm not carrying too many things down the stairs in case I fall. Most of them are soft furnishings and soft things. Just throw them down the stairs. Throw them down. Don't want them. Brilliant. Why don't you just see them and take them down

is that what this is no but i do that for you i do that loads for you with everything who folds up your washing and takes it upstairs me no get lost your mom does it no she doesn't i do it you've never folded anything in your life i'm'm not having this. Scrumple or fold? What, bug roll? No, scrumple. Do you scrumple me clothes or do you fold them? I fold them. You fibber.

Right, we need to stop this because this is going to end up in an argument. Honestly, no. Not in the mood. Can't have this. Right, that's in, babadoo babadoo babadoo bab.

That's quite good. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the public. In the music. In the public. In the public. In the for questions from the public Questions from the pews and the pews And the public As always guys thank you so so much For all of the wonderful contributions that you send in

Shagmoundandaudit gmail.com If you want to send in anything Any questions any dilemmas Any of that stuff we're absolutely loving it They're still flooding in more and more every single week Thank you thank you thank you I seem to strike gold a lot well this is when we say that we are only scratching the surface we couldn't mean that anymore there's so many messages in there and i sometimes don't

get past the third page considering everything we've done as well i'm talking about unread there's 19 there's 19 and a half thousand unread so we've done a lot of questions anyway over the podcast you know i mean like 10 a week or whatever so yeah thank you thank you thank you do you want to go first i mean we've both got questions we both got questions this week yeah we took a little split shift didn't we um i'd like to start please okay um so i looked through the emails and uh something i spotted something um, it was someone pleading for us to add trigger warnings in the podcast. Okay. Which I was immediately angry about and I thought...

The whole thing's a trigger warning. Yeah, well, I thought I want to read it. So just listen to this, right? Hi, Rosie, brackets, and Chris, which I'm already annoyed about. Didn't put a trigger warning in that for me, did you? That would get me feelings hurt. Long time love of the podcast, but your latest episode caused such a violent bodily emitting response i had to let you know that hopefully in future you'll include trigger warnings right okay weirdly if we are going to do though to be fair if we are going to include trigger ones you have

to have one for this what she's about to say all right okay i was having my eyelashes done and was listening to the podcast while relaxing for 90 minutes with my eyes taped shut it is worth noting at the point i was wearing a face mask too this must be a covid thing if you're getting your eyelashes done you must have to wear a face mask all right okay yeah i didn't know you had to sit for 90 minutes with your eyes shut must have really long eyelashes i would have i would have got mine done donkeys ago if I knew that was a thing. It might even be eyebrows to be fair because how can you have eyelashes done

if you've got your tape on you? Don't know. Anyway. Anyway. I pride myself in not being squeamish and having somewhat of an iron stomach. That was until a fortnight ago when I found out I was up the duff.

With nausea now part of my day, I wobbled slightly when you talked about the fishbowl story from ages ago we all remember the fishbowl story if you don't i'm not even going to revisit it now because it's absolutely minging um when discussing how much money it would be so this was a couple episodes ago yeah when discussing how much money it would be to down it specifically at the point that Rosie said, thick phlegm. My pregnancy nausea hit full tilt. I tried to sit up with my eyes taped shut and

with a mask on to vom. I couldn't sit up, so basically chundered backwards all over myself to my beautician's absolute horror. I'm sorry. She kindly removed my mask, which now looked like a vomit hammock. Oh no. Great, great metaphor. Vomit hammock. Oh, no. Great, great metaphor.

Vomit hammock. Fantastic. She untaped my eyes and wondered why the hell she just witnessed a scene from The Exorcist. Oh, genuinely. Sorry about that. Sorry, not sorry. No. Because we were already quite far into that story by the time that happened.

So you can't put a trigger warning after every single thing you say in the story. And like Rosie said, the whole podcast is a trigger warning after every single thing you say in the story and like Rosie said the whole podcast is a trigger warning if you're triggered by anything just don't just don't bother do you know

what I mean it's not for you just it's just not for you so please please please include screm slash phlegm disgusting trigger warning so I can have

a bucket nearby for the next seven months love you guys Robin on the podcast congrats on baby number two PS my PS my lashes look great I think she's okay I think she's all right it's not a real complaint but bless her heart Love you guys. Robin on the podcast. Congrats on baby number two. P.S. My lashes look great.

I think she's okay. I think she's all right. It's not a real complaint, but just lying on her back, just into a mask. But that's pregnancy. Normally, if someone had just been vomiting because of that story,

I'd have had no sympathy for them. But like pregnancy sickness, I've personally never had it myself, but a couple of my very good friends have had it really bad. Do you remember Angela had it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrible, bless her.

Every day. My best friend Angela had it with her little girl, Evie, and she lost two stone. And it was really awkward because she was so poorly and so ill, but she looked unbelievable. Fucking hell, women. Yours are the worst. I would never tell.

No, but it was just my best friend. I can say it. It's fine. I wouldn't say it to anyone else. But she was so poorly blessed. And she was just like, had to lie down all the time. If she lifted her head off the pillow, she vomited. But I think it was, I don't remember what it was.

I think we went out one night off for tea. And it was like, I genuinely said to her, I was like, I'm so sorry that you're so poorly, but you look unbelievable. And she was like, I know, but I'm so poorly. It's a double-edged sword. So, you know, you've got me sympathy. That's weird that though, you know, if you've been out on the drink,

you've had a load of, you know, too much beer and you're sick when you get back and stuff. The next day you can sort of see your abs and that and you're like, oh, I feel like I'm going to die. Same when you're dehydrated. Yeah, when you're dehydrated. In the morning I was like, I'm quite slim today. A couple of glasses of see your abs and that, and you're like, oh, I feel like I'm going to die. Same when you're dehydrated. I'm happy with that, yeah. Yeah, when you're dehydrated. In the morning, I was like, mm, quite slim today. A couple of glasses of water, I'm like, yep, there it is.

Oomph, there it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got one here for you. My mum's friend went into work telling everyone this story that had happened to her the other day. She'd finished work and was driving past Park Lane bus stop. Now, that's in Sunderland. It's a rather big...

Oh, so I thought you meant in London. What, Monopoly? Isn't there a Park Lane? Yeah, it's the most expensive one on the planet. That's what I thought you meant. Don't think Park Lane has got a bus station. No. Okay, so you mean the one in Sunderland, City Centre?

I know it's got a Bentley garage, I think. Driving past Park Lane bus station when she sees her cousin stood there. So she pops her window down and shouts, jump in, I'll take you home. Her cousin hops in the back and they are driving along. The journey feels awkward and quiet and she's wondering why her cousin hasn't responded

when she asks how she is. Yeah. There's two females, sorry. Yeah. Okay. She looks in her rearview mirror at the passenger and finds out that the person in the back of the car isn't her cousin at all it's actually a complete stranger a random girl just sat in the back seat filled with confusion and

embarrassment she didn't tell her how there was a misunderstanding she just asked where she wanted dropping off and took her in awkward silence so she just give a stranger a lift none of us understand why she thought it was her cousin or why the random girl got in her car anyway and why none of them questioned each other at all what are your thoughts love the podcast so she just pointed at someone and went get in i'll give you a lift and the person got in and she's like, how are you doing there, love? And she looks in the mirror and realises that it's not her.

And instead of going, oh, I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you was, she just went, where to? What that is, that's, do you know what? It's so North East. It's one of them things where it's unbelievable, but no, I actually know what? It's so northeast, isn't it? It's one of them things where it's unbelievable, but no, I actually believe it. It's so northeast.

That is absolutely up here. I love that so much. When you're younger and you're in the schoolyard, you accidentally go and hold your friend's mum's hand. Instead of your mum's. Instead of your mum's and you're like. I did that on holiday once. Have I told you about that?

I tried to explain it to Robin the other day. What did Robin do? He went, we were somewhere the other day and he held the wrong, or went up to the wrong person. I tried to explain it to Robin the idea. What did Robin do? He went, we were somewhere the idea and he held the wrong, or went up to the wrong person. I tried to explain it to him, but he couldn't get his head around it. I was on holiday and I was walking along the promenade in front of my mum and dad and I would just walk along the wall and run along and jump off stuff.

And then I walked up to what I thought was like my mum and dad and I just like linked in with like what I thought was my dad. And it was just like some bloke and he was like, oh, hello. And I was like, yeah. Honestly, I was fucking mortified. even now i remember how utterly utterly mortified i was robin's done it a few times it's very funny to watch your only child doing it he handles it better than i used to yeah yeah i remember this is really weird as well i don't know why this popped my head i remember at the time when that exactly i can picture now the exact place i was when it happened and i even know what i was doing what were you doing i don't know why this is popping my head I remember at the time when that exact I can picture now the exact place I was when it happened

and I even know what I was doing what were you doing? I don't know if I should admit this on the podcast I mean you've already said that you told a kid that you hung around with

that a picture of you was your dead brother this is probably more embarrassing oh wow okay so I was walking along so I remember it was like a kind of

it was really strange there was like a building site on the right and there was like loads of big wooden sort of boards. It must have been a cheap Costa del Sol holiday somewhere. It was a fucking building site. And I'm walking along.

And the reason I got so far ahead was because I was looking at the building site as I was walking and pretending that there was a camera there. And I was basically narrating my life because I'd been watching Clarissa Explains It All. I get it now, Chris. That's not embarrassing. Remember Clarissa Explains It All. I get it now, Chris. That's not embarrassing.

Remember Clarissa Explains It All? Yeah, of course I did. It was her from Sabrina and she would just talk to the camera. So I was walking along explaining to the camera what was going on. Yeah. Chris, that's not embarrassing at all.

I've got a full home video of when we were staying in a villa in Spain and my mum's video and me and my sister walking around pretending that we're hosting a travel show so that's not and we were calling we weren't calling a mom we're calling it Sandra Sandra there's the lemon trees the lemon trees are here on the left putting an accent on I bring you back to the fact that you were doing that with your sister yeah I was just walking on the promenade on my own pretending to be Clarissa from Clarissa oh that's cute that was a good show I was just walking on the promenade on my own pretending to be Clarissa from Clarissa Experience.

Oh, that's cute. That was a good show. It was a good show. It was miles ahead of its time. But look at you now. You are a presenter. I am. So it's worked.

It's been practice. Yeah. Don't be embarrassed. See, that guy who I linked in with should have asked for my autograph. I mean, if only he knew who he was linking in with could have nicked you this made me laugh because when we were on saturday kitchen they were asking for um the

public's beefs like food related beefs yeah yeah and somebody messaged on somebody commented on something and i saw it briefly um and they said you need to look through the emails for mine and they give me the the content of it the two words and i was like i need to look this up so the two words he gave me were spite salmon great and i was like that sounds really interesting i need to look at that so spite salmon this is okay what's it called the little box the subject subject box hello rosie and chris i have lived with my boyfriend for two years and he cooks all the meals as he is an amazing cook and I do all the dishes.

Shitty end of the stick, but hey-ho. So he cooks, she does the dishes. Yeah, that's fair. Whenever we have a little bicker from time to time, usually when he's done something to piss me off, we have about 20 minutes of the silent treatment. Nice. When he's trying to win me over,

he will ask, what do you want for tea? Well, I'm a stubborn cow and I hate giving in, Nice. as what we now both refer to as the Spite Salmon. I have a bag of frozen salmon fillets that I will go to whenever I don't want to admit defeat. Great! We will both be in the kitchen together preparing separate meals without talking at all. Whilst he eats a fucking lovely homemade dish, I sit there with my sad, bland salmon

and whatever veg we have until one of us ends up laughing at my predictable pathetic strop i love it i love this so much i love that it's known in their house as the spiked salmon she's just like yeah not speaking to you getting me salmon out so my question is do either of you have a choreographed argument? Like you know exactly how it's going to go, what will be said and the outcome, but you do it anyway. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Do we have? I was trying to rack my brains at this.

I don't know if we do. You've taken to, if we're having a bit of an argument, and I don't know, I think it's like a power move, which is pathetic this far into the relationship personally. I don't like this as going. Yeah, when we've had a bit of an argument, when we go upstairs to brush our teeth, you'll sit on me stoop. I do sit on your little step.

You do it deliberately to rub it in, don't you? It's not a power move. It's my territory. I'm marking my territory. It's very see you next Tuesday, isn't it? Our arguments normally stem from a few things. Normally I've said something. I've normally said something that's annoyed you.

That's normally it. Or normally I've tried to help and I've wound you up. Yeah. Like we finished a Zoom call today and you put an empty glass down and I went to pick it up and you shouted at us and grabbed it back because you were like, I'll use it for the rest of the day. You didn't. It's on the bench exactly where I was going to take i've had three more glasses

of juice out of that so go and shove your face in the bin i've had three more glasses of juice i don't even dare there's no need to watch that i'm sick of you go and shove your money go and shove your face in the bin well that one you catcher yes shove your face in the bin go and shove your face in the bin well that one you catch yes shove your face in the bin go and shove your face in the bin wow um yes what's normally just stuff like that i mean the other night again i mentioned it on that zoom we did for waterstones but there's only a few people mentioned watching that so i can bring this up again the other night when you um uh you went in a huff with us and i proved i told you why you were wrong you were like you were annoyed and you said i'd been rude and i

explained to you why i wasn't rude and then you were like okay then and then half an hour later i was sitting watching the telly and i looked at you and i went are you still angry with me and he went yeah and i went why and you went i don't know just was just was still bearing a slight slight bit of resentment okay this one has something to do with last week so if you've listened to last week okay this one will make sense um it's a little bit rank but not ranking like i want to make you feel sick way just a bit it's a bit rude sandra don't be giving don't be giving trigger warnings out don't be doing it we do that anyway we actually do that anyway i'm not going to pressure i do i'm just saying it i was more so saying it for my mum. Because you know she gets upset when I talk about fannies and stuff.

You know, sex and that. Anyway. First of all, keep this anonymous because I probably shouldn't be making it public knowledge. Wonderful. That said, it's such a specific story that if she listens, she will know immediately that I'm talking about her. Love it. Anyway, let's get down to it when i was younger the cool club to go where i live was a monkey place at the back of a pub

called cellar and well the name fit it was gross truly the only reason we went there was because the drinks were cheap and we lived in the sticks so it was easier to get to than the clubs in town got you the night went as many do we had pre-drinking or prinking as we used to call it awful nice so we were already pretty smashed by the time we got there they were a group of us girls but we split off into smaller groups as the night went on my friend and i walked onto the smaller dance floor to see two of our other friends drunkenly slurping on the faces of two guys so two of the girls are kissing these guys yeah we laughed and let it pass and they spent the

night with these guys but as it got later we were coaxing them outside so we could get a taxi home they left the club and stood outside the estate agents that was next to the club brilliant this club is next door to an estate right next to the estate agents that was next to the club. Brilliant. This club is next door to an estate agent. Right next door to the estate agents. Fantastic. When I was younger I wouldn't have been bothered but now waiting for a taxi outside of the estate, I'd quite like that. You would love that. A little bit of house porn

before you go home. All the houses in the area. Do you know what I mean? I would enjoy that a lot. Anyway, the guys went with them. So they're outside. Stood outside the estate agents with the guys. The females listening, you will never know the feeling of judgment that you get from the friends

of someone you have pulled on the night out. You will never ever experience. So basically, we're talking about these two guys. These two guys have been necking on with these two girls. And then the other two girls who haven't pulled that night or aren't trying to or they just haven't pulled any guys they're like come on out let's get a taxi so these two girls come out and these two blokes who are basically just walking erections at this point hoping that

they can go and have sex with these girls are standing as well and what i'm saying is ladies you will never know the judgment that you get from the friends of the person you've pulled on the night out. Because they know you just want to go and have sex with their friend. Okay. Have you felt that yourself?

Yes. It's the worst judgment in the world. It is honestly... Has it put you off before, though? Never. But it is honestly... Awful. It's, guys listening,

you know what I'm talking about, right? If your girlfriend's looking at you now and you're saying that you don't, you know, you're probably pretending that you don't, maybe, possibly know what I'm talking about, right? If your girlfriend's looking at you now and you're saying that you don't, you know, you're probably pretending that you don't. Maybe, possibly. But I'm telling you, the judgment of the sober friend who isn't on the pole is, fuck, it cuts deep. Okay.

So deep. The sober friend not on the pole. I get that. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, okay. I rang a taxi, but being a Friday night, we had a bit of a wait. We didn't pay much attention to our two friends who were still snogging these lads.

When the taxi arrived we shouted to our friends to hurry up and went to get in. They didn't follow so my friend and I jumped back out to shout again. We were confused when we looked in their direction to see one of our friends with her guy but our other friend seemingly standing there alone. That was until we widened our view and our eyes gazed downwards. That's when we saw it. There was our friend standing legs apart pinned up against the windows of the estate agents, receiving fellatio from a man she'd never met. Jesus Christ, man.

What is wrong with everybody? At the estate agents? At the windows. Honestly. The next morning, some poor old deers are probably walking past that very thing, looking in and going, oh, look, Marge, there's a bungalow. Pointing at the bungalows. There's a bungalow for sale.

And just literally five hours before, someone got their blooming... Oh, hey. What's that? Oh, don't. Vag. Vag. Marge, can you smell vag? Look at this on the floor.

Look at this being bloody snails all over here. Look at this silvery... Ew. So, we both stood there not quite believing what we were seeing. And I'm not proud of this, but rather than dragging her into the taxi, we went and got our other friends to come and look at what we were witnessing. That's what I'm talking about. Because...

That's what I'm talking about. That's how you do it. She made a very good point here. Unless they saw it for themselves, they would never have believed us. Wonderful. Luckily for her, this was a time before we all had video capture on our phones. After laughing more than

I've ever laughed in my life, we eventually shouted for them to hurry the F up and get in the taxi. I'm no longer friends with this woman but I often wonder if she ever thinks about that night as fondly as I do. Probably not. That's amazing. And do you know what it is? You said at the beginning there of the email that it's so specific

that she'll know if it's her. She won't. That will have happened to fucking millions of people. No way. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now. Yeah. I already know if I was there, I already know what I would have shouted at that bloke. What? It's a takeaway shot, is it? You hungry?

Desperate for a kebab, are you? Eh? Oh, that's horrible. I can't even ever imagine seeing that. I'm sorry. If my friend, if my friend dead friend dead dead get licked out outside the estate agents i'd be like oi get off there now you're horrible get off go and have a watch get off that estate agent window do it at the dixon's pork shop next door or do it in your room

do it that's oh no i'm sorry moments where you wish that we had, like, fire hydrants on the end of the streets like they do in America. Yes. So you could just fucking kick it. Get down. You do it in action films. Just kick it and just a big stream of water just fires at them. Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't be having... You know, we're not prudes and stuff. I'm all like, come on, bit of fellatio. It's lovely, but not outside. They're being young, man. Leave themio. It's lovely, but not outside. They'll have been young, man. Leave them alone, man. No, Chris. There's snogging and there's a bit of poking and that,

but legs are kimbo. It's the same as snogging, it's just a different mouth. Different set of lips. Wanted to kiss both your lips goodbye. That's horrendous. Babadoo, babadooo babadoo bap. Back for one week only, it is time for this week's Celebrity Question.

Celebrity Question. Celebrity Question. This week's Celebrity Question is from a comedian and very, very good friend of mine, Phil Ellis. If you haven't heard of Phil Ellis, he's got a radio sitcom, which I'm going to plug after his question.

He's hilarious. Me and Rosie have seen his shows in Edinburgh. He's genuinely one of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life. He did a show called Funs and Games, which was fantastic. It was like a kids' show, a live kids' show, but it was more for the adults, but the kids didn't know what was going on. Genius. He won the panel prize in Edinburgh. He's a very funny

individual. And here is his question. Oh, hey there, Chris and Rosie. Phil Ellis here, long-time listener, first-time caller. I was thinking, you know,

with regards to choosing a film on Netflix, because remember the good old days when you go into Blockbuster and just hang around and wander around for about an hour.

And I do miss that. Do you guys miss that? That's a sub-question. But the main question, the Dom question, is who gets final say over which film to watch? Because I can sit there on my own for hours looking, and it's only me, really. Sometimes I call up sex lines just to ask the woman which,

or man, which film I should watch just so I've got that sort of interaction because I'm very indecisive. It cost me a fortune, but a lot of the time it's worth it. Although I wasn't a big fan of Suicide Squad, so I'd like to say to Cindy,

you were wrong on that one, but you know know too late now and it cost me eight quid so yeah just thought I'd ask you that and it would be great to hear your thoughts

very very good question he's a genius he's a genius that is do you know what when I listen to that I miss walking around

Blockbuster I loved a bit of Blockbuster. I mean, I loved, preferred actually, Global Video. Global Video. Don't we miss now Global? Global Video was amazing. It was great. When Global Video first came out and you got the videos in them blue sleeves,

how cool was that? Yeah, amazing. And the popcorn was unreal. And it made a bit of a night, didn't it? Made it more of an occasion. Going with your mates, looking around Global, getting a bit of popcorn. I just remembered made it more of an occasion going with your mates looking around global getting a bit of popcorn I just remembered something

so they did games as well right so I got I got I think for the it was for the Sega Mega Drive Sega Sega

I went and rented Worms right you know the game where you're little worms and you fire bazookas at each other and stuff I don't know it

but I know of it yeah little worms you fire things at each other it's like a little war strategy game thing just a joke i went and got that and it was really difficult to use on the mega drive it was like crazy difficult i didn't know what the hell was going on i didn't know how to use it okay i might have been was it playstation no i think it was mega drive anyway i got worms couldn't use it i took it back and i was like look i was only little my mom took us back she was like oh really sorry i was like look i can't i don't know how to work it can I swap it for a different game

she went yeah no problem so I went back the aisle and I picked up earthworm gym remember earthworm gym yeah and I took it back and I went can I swap it for that one and the woman looked at the thing and went are you gonna be all right because this one has got worms in it as well I just remember that did you think it was the context that you just was the context had an issue with worms yeah totally different game but you went are you gonna be all right because it's got worms in it as well you're gonna bring this one back are you a little loser oh well done um we are a nightmare picking videos uh films we're an absolute nightmare we are because i just i go too much on the reviews and the stars when we shouldn't because we are currently watching boys

on amazon prime and we really enjoy it and it's only got three and a half stars and i'm like hey i'm really enjoying this so so we shouldn't really but let's say you actually get the overriding decision I'll watch a lot more than you will yeah yeah I will I'll kind of like be a lot more

sort of militant but you will sell but what's really weird what stresses me out is we will look at the length of a film and go two hours twenty

you're fucking joking aren't you I'm not watching that let's just watch five forty five minutes episodes of something else it's ridiculous why do we do that we will not commit to a film but we will five 45 minute episodes of something else ridiculous why do we do that

we will not commit to a film but we will watch so many episodes of a programme and be in bed later than we ever would be

and watch a film it's really silly actually we need to stop doing that I still haven't watched The Irishman it's apparently

amazing on Netflix well the reason why I haven't watched it is because it's three hours long same with Once Upon a Time

in Hollywood still haven't done it but I'll sit and watch five consecutive episodes of Million Dollar Beach House Betty Broderick fucking idiot hours long. Yeah, same with Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Still haven't done it but I'll sit and watch fucking five consecutive episodes of a million dollar beach house. Betty Broderick.

Fucking idiot. So Phil Ellis' sitcom is called Phil Ellis is Trying and it's on Radio 4. It starts and started on Wednesday the 9th of September on

Radio 4 at 6.30. So episode one's already been on. Episode two stars Johnny Vegas, obviously Phil Ellis himself, Amy Gledill, and Alexi Sale. He said there's an interesting little bit of trivia here.

The episode is called, supposed to be called Prison Broke, but it's actually called Prison Break because the BBC thought it was a typo and changed it. So there you go. No, that's... That is Phil's life all over. Great.

It's amazing. I'm looking forward to listening to that. Have a listen. He's fantastic. Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you so much, guys, and thank you again for purchasing the book, you absolute legends.

It is goodbye from Rosie Ramsey, Sunday Times number one bestseller, and Chris Ramsey, Sunday Times number one, number one bestseller. I never get sick of hearing that. Crazy. Guys, as always, if you want to get a touch, shagmaronauditgmail.com.

Please continue to like, rate, and subscribe, and we will be in your ears, all up in them again next week. Thank you. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, do. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.