Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 83. Give me an A

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

This week on the podcast Chris shares his lockdown woes and Rosie shares some of his snoring! The mysteries have a little addition and the beef's double up. There are some brilliant QFTP's... including one that raises a medical question. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. I know the story. What story?

Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind, and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. He's hanging on by a thread. I'm fucking sick chris ramsey i'm fucking sick hey guys hey listeners hey beautiful people are you fucking sick i'm fucking sick if you're not up to date by the way if you're listening to this after um we've just been uh

we've just been uh uncle boris has been on the news again and done a big shit directly into our eyes. So, yeah. But, I mean, we talked about it last week, about the North East being on a lockdown, and we are now on, we're on another lockdown. Fully blown lockdown. But, but listen, silver lining, right? We like winning.

Everybody likes winning. Yeah. Okay. We've had a lot of awards recently. The podcast is doing really well. Our hometown, Chris. Yeah. Our hometown, where we live, where we likes winning. Yeah. Okay. We've had a lot of awards recently. The podcast is doing really well. Our hometown, Chris. Yeah. Our hometown, where we live, where we've been.

Yeah. Where we've grown up, whatever. Yeah. We are currently second place on the leaderboard. Right. Of the highest number of coronavirus cases. Oh, God. I want to win.

So. What do we do? Just keep shagging. Everyone listening. Everyone listening. Town Square tonight. Spitting each other's mouth party. I square tonight spitting each other's mouth party spitting each other's

mouth party go nine o'clock tonight it doesn't matter I haven't put no but seriously you can't slag us off for that because

I don't know what day you listen to this so that's just a joke but yeah let's just stop being so bloody nice us northerners we kind of keep

flipping hands over each other bloody people shaking hands bloody licking each other's tongues and that it's too much

that bloke might be back in I told you didn't about when my dad worked in the pit and if they got anything on the and hands off each other. Bloody people shaking hands, bloody licking each other's tongues and that. It's too much. That bloke might be back in. I told you didn't I, but when my dad worked in the pit and if they got anything in the shipyard, sorry, and if they got something in their eye, they went to some guy's little hut and he licked it out of their eye

with the back of his tongue. Have you ever mentioned this on here? I think I might have. You must have. I've mentioned it in the intro now because my head's all over the fucking place. You told me that story once and I was horrified.

So my dad worked at the shipyards and whenever they got something in their eye they would go to see a guy his name was Geordie or Jackie or something and they'd go and see him and he'd be in the workshop

and he'd be like I've got something in my eye and he would hold their eye open and he would lick their eyeball with the underside of his tongue though because the underside is like softer.

Smoother. I'm sorry but that what is your job? Oh I lick all the lads eyeballs. I'll be honest with you I think this was before health and safety I think it might have been

how old's your dad 370 oh my word but what I'm saying is I think the reason we are so high is because I think he's back

I think he's back on the scene is he back licking yeah yeah right I think he also with the rough side of his tongue

he can get a dislodged contact lens out as well wow wow it is hay fever season well there we go a lot of that going on well guys it's episode 83 thank you so so much for listening and please continue to like rate and subscribe now when i say rate and subscribe obviously on you know on spotify and on and on all the rest of them on apple when i say rate if

you go on and give a little five star rating on apple on the apple thing that would be lovely it's always nice to see one of them thank you um and yeah without further ado before we go any further it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor i didn't know if you'd be doing a lucrative sponsor because i know today's been a really rough day for you can i tell them money never sleeps can i tell them all about today tell them about today so today so i say today we are actually recording the podcast at night time that's night time Robin's in bed Robin's in bed because Chris didn't

didn't do well today no after the announcement last night so we didn't get to do the podcast because you were

utterly miserable it's not that the announcement affected me in any way because we're already on a local lockdown so basically the rest of the country who got that announcement

they on their fucking holidays compared to us because we're they still got rule of six and we're not allowed anywhere around it's just that fucking

it's just like the Hunger Games it's that thing of everyone gather around a big screen and look at the big man's face to hear what bit

of your life's getting fucking fucking bummed out of existence today it's the uncertainty isn't it no it's not even the uncertainty

it's the it's like no it's like and everyone march to the telly at 8 o'clock Boris comes on and tells us how he's going to shit all over it's just crazy, I know he's not shitting all over

I know it's to save, it's a weird thing because some people are fearing for their lives literally fearing for their lives some people are fearing for their livelihood and I'm just fucking miserable because people are grassing on each other and people are just being dickheads and people are so angry and it's just the vibe

it's giving off that's upsetting me but money never sleeps and it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor right this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is

yes go out to the pubs whoa you went to the pubs we're shutting the pubs great thank you yeah I think that's how it went

actually exactly how it went the government get yourself to the pub hey we'll pay half your bill go on get yourself out on a Wednesday treat yourself

whoa you went out with other people on a Wednesday not just by yourself shut that fucking pub right now madness

blaming all the youngins fucking madness that's what I'm fuming at blaming all the youngins blaming all the youngins like honestly you told them to go out you did tell them to go out.

You did tell them to go out. You tell them, go on, go out, have fun. And they did it, like I would have done when I was their age. But, you know, anyway, we've moaned enough. We need to stop because this is bad. The jingle is going to cleanse us all. And we're going to start with our normal patter. But we'd just like to be honest with you guys.

And we'd like to let you know when we've had... I went back to fucking bed today. Yeah, I know you did. We were supposed to record the podcast and I went back to bed. I texted my producer, I said, is it okay if I send you the files tonight? Went to bed for an hour and a half during the day. I think you needed it.

Yeah. Didn't make me feel any better though. No, it never does annoy me. I looked at the clock, I woke up, I was like, time to get up, a new day, a new me. And I came downstairs and I was like, I want to go back to bed. Fucking sick.

But I'm having a wine. But listen, yeah, you have your wine, you selfish little shit. You're selfish. I miss you. I want you to drink with us. It's upsetting. And we are going to take you away from all of this bullshit for an hour or so. Come on.

I've got loads of good stories. Play the soul cleansing. Happy, happy jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shack, Mary and a Night. Shack, Mary and a Night. Hope you're all well. We've moaned enough, so let's just crack on. We have. My hands are hurting. Why?

Because I'm a manual labourer now. Manual labourer. Oh God, you put one wardrobe together. I beg your pardon. It was a corner wardrobe, which is essentially a wardrobe and a half, then it was two other wardrobes on top of that. That's three and a half wardrobes. Is that what's wrong with you?

Is that why you're so exhausted? Because you've actually done a little bit of manual labour. And last night, I cut my hand with a screwdriver, and I hurt both my thumbnails. I've hurt both my thumbnails. I know. Do you know that? Well, just wait until my beef section.

You're going to enjoy that. They were both bleeding, and then I put drawers on Robin's cupboard, and then I moved all my clothes from one room to the other room. Now, guys, guys, me and Rosie share a dressing room now us girls getting ready for our nights out just chatting

what nights out Chris we're not allowed to see any of that in the front room we sometimes go for our nights out in the front room or sometimes in the orangery

it's just the best time ever we do turn the music on we use our hair we use our hairbrushes as microphones and we're singing

and we'll have a right laugh don't we and talk about boys and that. Don't, because you're making us sad because I actually really like that part of a night. Yeah. Getting ready with your mate in your room. I still do it now at 33.

Well, weirdly. 34. Shit. Oh, you're 34. Oh, I'm 34? Oh, shit. I've referred to myself as 33 today. That's really sad.

You lying little shitbag that you are. Oh, God. 34. Just really depressing because I watch UFC all the time. The amount of times they're like, this guy's a veteran because I watch UFC all the time the amount of times they're like this guy's a veteran he's been in the UFC

for years and he's like 33 and I'm like oh fuck my life and then the new guys coming in are literally like there's children

there's like 19 year olds like 18 year olds coming in the UFC and I'm like how how is this happening because they don't last very long

in UFC years but literally honestly they're just I'm like I'd be out on my bike and he'd be like, is your bike? And I'd be like, there's my bike. Because there's nothing I can do. Are you not looking forward to getting older?

It doesn't really bother us. I know I'm joking for the podcast now, but I've got friends who are like, oh, I'm a year older. And I just, I don't really care. I quite like being a bit older. Yeah? You get away with more stuff, I think. What do you mean?

What, like shitting your pants in that? No, not that far. Being accidentally racist at Christmas. Terrible stuff like that. Oh, she's 34. You know, that's actually, it's not an excuse to say 74, but 34 is, no, no

get her out of me house. Totally not allowed. So it's not queues from the pews just yet but I got a very interesting letter email from somebody that I just wanted to quickly Oh you are getting old. I'm really old. It was a letter

that came through the internet. I got a telegram from me pen pal. So a letter that came through the internet. I got a telegram from my pen pal. So I got a letter through the internet from somebody. A letter through the internet, but it rejected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where the nut, oh. It says, hi Rosie, hi Chris. I have a question about the way you speak.

Maybe I only know this because I'm not a native English speaker. Ah, okay. Okay, it's completely normal for everyone else. And I was like all right okay well the geordie accent for one is quite hard to understand and and this person's wrote in perfect english so i am always impressed by that when somebody who's not english so already they've trumped her right well i i do not always find that when you're like at a restaurant or something on holiday or someone holiday and someone's like with a very slight accent they're

like oh no i am sorry my english is is not that perfect and you go are you saying that to fucking kick me in the dick because your english makes my spanish look like i've never fucking spoke in my life because the only word i know is hello and that was very your english makes my spanish look like a fucking cave painting yes yes the satan i'm telling you the satan purpose you know they go i'm sorry my english is not that good and in their head they're going you're lazy english pig because you only know one language this is my fifth i know how stupid you are and fair play at them i'll let them have that it's so true um so this person has carried on so i thought oh that's fair enough i

didn't expect this though okay okay so when i first started listening to your podcast you had already announced the pregnancy so i assumed it was some weird habit of rosie's to keep reminding everyone she is pregnant this is this is possibly to get more sympathy or whatever who's this but then i noticed ch Chris does it too. So I'm just a bit confused because that made me think, so hang on, when you tell people you're pregnant, are you meant to just tell them you're pregnant and then never mention it again? I'd be up for that.

For all you do. I'd 100% be up for that. This person, is this my soulmate? Is this my Wayne Linnigan? May well be. I found my Wayne. So I was going to talk just then about how today I was watching something. I was watching a video on YouTube about a man making noodles.

And he lifted a pot and the pot was really heavy. And honestly, felt a little bit jealous. Because at the minute, I'm really missing carrying heavy things. Because you're not allowed when you're pregnant. You're missing carrying heavy things. Said no one ever, apart from possibly Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime when he might have been injured. You're missing carrying heavy things. Said no one ever apart from possibly Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime

when he might have been injured. Well, honestly, I'm not being funny. I'm missing carrying heavy things. I think it's because of everything that's going on at the minute. There's a lot of restrictions and stuff.

And I'm just getting told I can't do a lot of things right now. I'm the same. And lifting heavy things is really, I'm struggling with it because I just want to get shit done. And I'm just like, I want to just lift that shit up and I want to move them i just want to get shit done and i'm just like i

want to just lift that shit up and i want to move them and i want to put that box in i want to go in the loft and do that and i'm not really meant to and i'm trying to be sensible so i was like i want to talk about that but then i got that email and i was like well i can't mention that because this shit bag thinks i mentioned being pregnant too often still managed to didn't you yeah still got in there anyway so fuck you but then she said why do you refer yourself to yourselves as we right so so this is the actual language thing the pregnancy thing was just a thing was just her being a dick i think but that's fine because i'm pregnant and i'm happy to be pregnant and it's all i've got going on no no so i need this person's email.

I just feel like I could offload a lot of stuff and that could help us. You're going to have a lovely time. But we say we, but it doesn't mean we as in... We say we. We. We.

It's very confusing. I find it hard to explain it when I get quizzed on it. When someone's like us and we and we and I'm like I can't you're going to have to wait until your catcher's seen it

in a sentence and then I'll explain it and then I'll be like explain it are you coming I think we've done it before but are you coming with we are you coming with us

we so I hope that helps Kate and yeah the baby's due in January I'll be looking forward to the card through the post

yeah Kate's not going to know but I will need that because I think I really think me and Kate would hit it off well honestly you can go and take your little anxiety attacks

over to Kate because that would be nice she'll tuck you in in the bed during the day yeah that would be nice you did so I said to you

when I went up to bed today when I went up to bed with me with me heavy depression today and anyone listening anyone listening who thinks I'm taking the piss out of depression I'm not I went to bed at day when I went to bed with me with me heavy depression at day you were and anyone listening anyone listening

who thinks I'm taking the piss out of depression I'm not I went to bed during the day you tell me that's not the act

of a depressed man I went up you can't take the piss out of depression when you have depression but you know what people are like they'll be like

you're making fun of it I'm not making fun of it I'm fucking miserable god damn everything but I went up I went upstairs and you were like do you know what just stay and chat and I was like look I'm just going to go to but I went up I went upstairs and you were like do you know what

just stay and chat and I was like look I'm just going to go to bed I was like just come and talk to us if you want to talk to us fucking half an hour later you came up

just as I was nodding off well do you know what I was doing you dick I was watching that noodle video brilliant and that's what made us absolutely brilliant think about lifting stuff

and then I read that great so I'm sorry who's more miserable you or me competition who's more depressed I'm just a's more miserable you or me competition who's more depressed listen we're both as depressed as each other

so that's okay fair enough got a laugh about it exactly love you just want to let you all know I feel like I don't want to brag and I want to word this like in quite a humble way so I don't want to brag and I want to word this like

in quite a humble way so I don't sound like a big head I am in awe of the genuine magnanimous power that this podcast I went the wrong way didn't I? I don't know what you're talking about

Dominoes have caved in and they've started doing half and half again they've started doing half and half again no they haven't they've started doing half and half again they listen to this podcast they're shat their little knickers realised they were

being stupid and they're doing half and half again have they for real yeah they've started yeah and can I just say now right

I'm not going to name them but a rival pizza company got in touch listened to the podcast got in touch with our management and said hey guys

we're doing half and half we'll send you one and you can post about it like hashtag fuck dominoes i was like hey hey that is snake behavior and i'm not happy with that i'm not happy with that at all so when you're getting your first half and half i don't know do you know what you know the weirdest bit is do you know how many times i've ordered a half and half how many tried once that time that's the only time i've ever tried a half and half oh no and weren't doing them but you can't be saying that

maybe it's not as popular as what you think it might be but I mean it's not like there's nothing fucking different there's nothing different I can't believe

they've brought it back they have they've brought it back I got tagged in a post see there that cheered you up a bit that must make you feel a bit better a little bit

I might get one just for the crack you love dominoes I might get a half margarita and half margarita with extra cheese and see if I can see which side's which. Well, there you go. Why don't you... It might just bump up like a curb. Why don't you really try and push your luck

and get margarita, but just get me a slice of bolognese. I don't think they do bolognese. What? Oh, God. They don't do bolognese? No. Pizza? No. They don't do bolognese? No. Pizza? No, they don't.

Domino's? No, stop saying words. No. I think they do like ground beef. They'll do like ground beef and stuff. Oh, my God. That's exactly what bolognese is. No, bolognese is the sauce and everything.

I bet you'll have to go to Kills for that if you want. Ground beef? Ground beef on a pizza? Can you imagine? I might actually, you know what it is? I might actually phone them up and go, look, now that they do half and half again, can I have a slice of,

can I have a slice of meatballs, a slice of pepperoni, a slice of, you know, vegetable, slice of chicken. Texas barbecue. See what happens.

I'm a bit hungry. I'd fucking mess that, wouldn't I? We had tea too early, we've done it again. I know, every time. We had a massive pasta yesterday, about four o'clock.

Eight o'clock, we put a fucking pizza in the oven. I know, well, because Robin's clamming when he comes in from school. Mr. Clamming, and I'm like, right, well, I might as well make wall tea now and then by nine o'clock eight o'clock we'll put a fucking pizza in the oven well because robin's clamming when he comes in from school mr clamming and i'm like right well i might as well make wall tea now and then by nine o'clock we're pouching on extra stuff rosie rosie yes i think i might genuinely be losing my mind and having some kind of breakdown because i can't believe i'm

saying this i'm really looking forward to Rosie's Mysteries. I knew it. It's got us. Okay, here we go. It's a little bit special this week and I think this is going to really cheer you up. Fantastic. But I couldn't work out how to do it properly

so it's a little bit... Okay, right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Are you trying to tell me that it's a little bit rushed? Never, never. I won't believe it. No, never.

There's no way. It'll be spot on and high professional values. Yeah,, never. I won't believe it. No, never. There's no way. No, it must be spot on and high professional values. Yeah, of course. Of course, of course. Right. Three. This is Robin's Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Oh. E. Well, I never knew that. Oh, wow. I never knew that. Oh wow I never heard that. Can you believe it? Master's pooping every time.

I can see it. Hang on there's one more. Have I had 100 biscuits? No you haven't had 100 biscuits? No, you haven't had 100 biscuits. Robin's Biscuits. Have you had any biscuits? It's a mystery. Robin's Biscuits.

Biscuits. Biscuits. Robin's Biscuits. So this week is brought to you by Robin's Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Couldn't get him to do it along with the theme tune. No.

He was actually busy on the toilet while I did that. It did sound very bathroom echo-y. So trying to get him to do it and make any sense. Robin's Mysteries. Do you want to hear it just by itself? Yeah, please. You ready? This is Robin's Mysteries Mysteries Mysteries. Go on, son. When did you do this? I had no idea. this is robin's mysteries mysteries mysteries go on son i had no when did you do this i had no idea

well i never knew that can you believe it it's just pooping every time it's what it's just pooping why has everything got to do with poop oh i know you listen to the podcast i think you know i was Every time. It's what? It's just pooping. Every time. It's just pooping every time. Why has everything got to do with poop? Oh, I know. You listen to the podcast, I think. Do you know I was walking around the supermarket with him today.

He was sitting on the trolley and I got one of them Nutella dip pot things. It was the emptiest I've ever seen the supermarket a day, right? It was dead. Amazing. No one there loved it, right? He's eating his little Nutella things with the little breadsticks. You know the ones I mean, the little dip pots. right? He was dead. Amazing. No one there loved it, right? He's eating his little Nutella things with the little breadsticks. You know the ones I mean,

the little dip ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He finished all the breadsticks and then he stuck his finger in the Nutella and got a big load of Nutella on his finger. That's good.

During the pandemic, look. I'd sanitise his hands before hands. Great. And then we went down an aisle and for some reason there was just so many people in the aisle and he just held his finger out

and he just shouted at the top of his voice, Daddy, i'm eating poo and i just i was i went really really do you know every aisle has been fucking deserted every aisle has been a hundred percent deserted and then we walked down this i think genuinely i think it was the cheese aisle and there was fucking loads of people I was like mate do you not remember Robin went to start at school last week and he's absolutely loving it

he's back to his normal self it's great but the first day do you not remember when we were like how was school today what was the first thing he said he went mummy

somebody pumped but the teacher didn't hear him but I did that was a review of school great that's i'm so glad you've enjoyed that come on then what's this mystery okay dear rosie and chris oh i've been sitting on this story for a while now but wasn't sure where it would fit in your podcast but with the newly reformatted rosie's mysteries i think it fits perfectly wow please read till the end I think you're gonna love it Wow

And that's on Couple of years back Me and my then boyfriend Were walking home From a night out Mid walk He stops and announces He needs to go

To the toilet Thinking he meant For a wee I suggested He do it over a wall Jesus Without hesitation He turned around

And dropped trow. Just trow. I like that. Is that a thing? I mean. Dropped trow? That is someone who says dropped trows are so much. They've had to abbreviate it. So I don't know what word that is. Dropped trow. Is that

a posh way of saying it? And we just don't know about it. I don't know. Dropped trow. What? Alright, Shahz saved a few words there because instead he turned around and took his trousers down or dropped his trousers just dropped trow i like it yeah wow it's like when the government uh dropped um at from stay at home and it was just stay home oh yeah living in california yeah yeah yeah dropped trow drop trow fantastic um, yeah, yeah. Dropped Trow. Dropped Trow. Love it. Fantastic. So he's dropped Trow.

Dropped Trow. Proceeding to sit on the side of the wall and take a shit. The worst. In someone's front garden. The worst. I was surprised, but in my drunken state, I laughed it off and let him get on with his business. Mangy. Good for the compost, right?

Great. Horrible. Little comedian. I love, honestly, right right if i had a little front wall you wouldn't know how high we're thinking like knee high yeah and i saw someone hanging their arse over my wall in the middle of the night right i would open the door so quietly all the lights off open the door so quietly and i would just run up behind them and i would just fucking hoof them as hard as i could yes i'd get shit on my shoe but it would be so you know you'd get done i would wouldn't you'd get done the police would come and

they'd go we're arresting you for assault and you'd go they were shitting in me garden they'd go well we don't care you started that where's the smoking gun i mean shitty shoe chris it's a cruel world we live in honestly what can you do. No wonder there's a pandemic shitting over people's garden walls. I know. Heavens to Betsy. Cut to the next morning when he realised he had lost his wallet. Good. Serves him right. Must have lost it at the rugby club he thought. Brilliant.

He phoned them and asked if there was any lost property handed in from the previous night but they said no. We hadn't been anywhere else as we live walking distance to the venue so the only other option was losing it on the way home. Remembering his toilet stop in the random garden he concluded it must have fallen out of his pocket there.

So we went back to the house to see if it was anywhere lying around. We arrived at the garden and peeked over the wall but the wallet was nowhere to be seen. My boyfriend was also confused as the shit he had done there the previous night, he assured me it was a whopper, had disappeared. Maybe he'd got the wrong house I thought but he was adamant it was the correct one. At that moment, the woman who lived at the house came outside and asked if she could help.

My boyfriend explained that he had lost his wallet and was looking around to find it. He asked her if she had found one in her garden that morning and she said Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. What do you think she said? This is the bit where you need to guess

This is the new format Okay We'll see how long it lasts Okay Well I'll tell you how long it's going to last Not very long Because if the answer is no It's the shittest email ever

The answer is yes So what did she say? Yeah she found it Okay It was in a big pile of shite It was in some dog shit Is that what you're going for? That's my guess

It was in some dog shit Yeah something like that Okay She said Was it you who shat on me tortoise i apologize i apologize wholeheartedly you could have gave me a year and i would not have come up with was it you who shat on me tortoise turned out she had a pet tortoise that roamed around the garden and my boyfriend had unknowingly taken a shit on its back before it waddled away. Hence the vanishing poo.

Wow. Needless to say, he sheepishly made his excuses and left, cancelling all his cards immediately and dying of shame. Dying of shame only when he found out that he shat on the tortoise and the mummy come out. Not dying of shame the night that he dropped trow and did it over the back of the bloody wall. Good grief.

Shameful, shameful. That was... Three. This is Robin's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. So there you go. Can I just say that? Poor tortoise, man. That tortoise walking from the door back to the,

from the wall, sorry, back to the door must have been plodding along going, hey, I think I've put on a bit of weight. Christmas. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? Beef. Lily's first, what's your beef?

My beef with you this week is... You hinted at this earlier on didn't you yes so recently and I don't know why I don't know if it's if you've done it always but it's just annoying

us at the minute because we are spending every bastard god damn day together sick of you recently

for some reason whether you're eating or you were doing the DIY yesterday you cut your finger you started licking your fingers loads. It's horrible. Have you noticed it?

I'm just trying to get South Tyneside up to that number one spot. But just all by yourself. Just all by myself. To infect yourself. No, you lick your fingers all the time at the minute and you don't do it in a nice way. You do it like in a... So you put something in the microwave the other day

and you got it out and you had a bit of food and you were going... Like an old man. Like an old bloke like licking your finger like anyone else would just kind of go and suck it off and not really make much of a noise but you're like and when you cut your finger yesterday doing them wardrobes and you are sucking the blood out i could have i had to tell you to stop it didn't't I? You nearly left, didn't you? Uh-huh. It was awful. I cut, dear listener, right? I cut. Our darling husband here is,

our hard-working husband is doing DIY, putting up wardrobes because she's nesting and she wants all kinds done at the drop of a fucking hat. And I cut under both my thumbnails and they were bleeding and I was trying to suck the blood off so that I wouldn't get it on the white wardrobes or the carpet.

And yeah, she's like, you're going to have to stop that. I'm going to have to leave. I should just sat in the corner. It's the way you lick them, it's too i'm gonna have to leave i should just sat in the corner it's the way you lick them it's too much and by the way while you sat in the corner while i was doing that you actually said the words while i was putting them together you actually said the words i'm really enjoying sitting here doing nothing that was nice yeah because i haven't done that for a while so it was enjoying myself oh you know you got it backed up on your noodle videos to watch have you you know that fucking

time waste i haven't done nothing for you. I do fucking nothing all the time, man. Shut up. How dare you? Is this your beef or are you just being a dick? Oh, no, no, no. It's not my beef at all. I've got a good beef with you this week.

Oh, come on then. I've got a double-headed beef with you this week. No, no. Honestly, you made a right twat of yourself this week. What have I done? Right. My beef with you this week, right? You went to our office.

We've got an office that we're going work oh i know each other oh yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so you went to the office okay i'm gonna go to the office i'm gonna get some questions from the public and blah blah blah do a bit work sick of being in the house no problem darling i'll continue doing the diy that you'll probably come back and have a go at this for later on if i cut my finger i injure myself in the line of duty now the doorbell rang uh it was a midwife come from midwife appointment with you yeah you hit the roof if i leave the house and an amazon delivery comes that i was waiting in for or anything literally i'll leave and the window cleaner comes in your phone and you go window clear the window clear was

coming like you live in a tower and you haven't seen fucking humanity like an idiot right like people

coming to the house the guy's coming to fix the window the guy's coming to fix the gate and you're not here he's gonna cut us up idiot

right nutter now bless her because we know this midwife she's lovely she's a fan of the podcast

she's absolutely lovely I actually because I panicked I didn't know what to do so I let her in I put the telly on for her right I let her in

I put the telly on I'm literally going to pick Rosie up from the office it's two minutes away I'll go and get her because I'd walk down like a mug I totally forgot

the weirdest bit was I put the telly on for her and CBB was on off her and CBeebies was on off Robin and I went do you know how to use SkyQ and she went oh I'll be fine

and when I eventually came back she was sitting watching CBeebies because she didn't know how to use SkyQ or maybe she didn't want to touch the remote for disinfecting purposes

I don't know but I so I went down to get you I phoned you on my way right and I went the midwife's here by the way and you were like oh shit and I went what's happening she left I went no I've you. I phoned you on my way, right? And I went, the midwife's here, by the way.

And you were like, oh, shit. And I went, what's happening? She left. I went, no, I've let her in. She's just sitting, chilling, watching the telly. I'll come and get you. I'll come straight up. You had the audacity, the absolute barefaced cheek to say to me, where is she?

Front room or back room? And I went, back room. And you went, oh, but the back room's a mess. You cheeky fucking dick. I don't, well, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe it. You need to learn a little bit of house etiquette. You need to learn a bit of time management

and knowing when someone's coming round to blimmin' scan your child. I forgot, okay. I forgot. Unbelievable. I'd set an alarm and it told us the day before. And naively I thought,

oh, I'll remember that, but I didn't remember. So I'm sorry Michelle look at your diary I forgot alright I forgot anyway next time you bring someone

in the house who doesn't come regular right who doesn't know that we're not pigs yeah put them in the nice room right

sit them in the good room I've deliberately got a good room that never nothing ever moves nobody goes in there really put them in there, really. Put them in there. Don't put them in the flipping the cereal stuck to the carpet.

CBeebies is on. There's train tracks going up across the floor. Don't put them in there. Put them in the good room. You've got to put them in there so they think these live like pigs. There's nothing to steal. That's what you've got to do. I hope she didn't say I'd clipped Robin's nails on the carpet

earlier and I hadn't moved her yet. You ready for part two, me beef? What is what? Well, part two, me beef is. We went through to the front room when she got here.

I went through to the front room when she got here and she was doing all her midwife stuff on you, right? And you, every single day, every single day,

oh Chris, oh I'm tired, oh pregnancy, oh why do I feel sick? Oh, I've got indigestion. Why am I knackered? Oh, Chris. Oh, I'm tired. Oh, pregnancy. Oh, why do I feel sick? Oh, I've got indigestion. Why am I knackered? Oh, what's wrong with us? Oh, Chris, what's wrong with us?

Oh, my God. I'm massive. Oh, God. I'm knackered. Oh, I'm sad. Oh, what's happening? Oh, God. Midwife, how are you having that?

How are you finding the pregnancy, Rosie? Fine, yeah, I'm great. It's just great. Breezing through, not an issue. I nearly fucking exploded. I'm sorry. Rosie, I've never felt so betrayed in all my life. All right, okay.

Well, let's just clarify here, right? Unbelievable. I think when your midwife asks you that question, I don't think she means how you're doing. Like, did you mean to eat them nine packets of monster munch last night i don't think she's asking that i think she's asking more so like how how do you feel is the baby kicking things like that not i'm bloody sick in my life i hate being pregnant i want it down a bottle of of gin she doesn't need to know that

even just a little even a little thing even just a little sentence of oh I've been a little bit knackered but you know don't we all

as being pregnant I think I did say that after definitely didn't it's up there with the level of betrayal you feel when your child's

really really well behaved for a teacher and you look and you go who the fuck is that it was up there with that

well sorry but you know that's what honestly that's what you're there with that. Well, sorry, but you know. Mortified. That's what. Honestly. That's what you're there for. You're going to apologise? What? Apologise to being pregnant and tired?

Absolutely not. But yes, Michelle, I like you. She's having a fucking stinker, Michelle. I'm not good. She's having a stinker. She said I look good, though. Yeah. And Michelle, I want that vase back that you stole.

I'm joking. She didn't. She didn't say anything vase you're funny babadoo babadoo babadoo back it's time for

questions from the public and the queues from the pews and the queeeeps from the peeps oh queebs from the peeps oh I like that

guys as always if you want to get in touch it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com send us absolutely anything we'll love you thank you hi Rosie and Chris

I have a question that's been bothering me for quite a while okay and there's no man that I'm close enough to that I feel I can ask this so this one's for Chris

wow I'm honoured just for you I'm honoured okay come on you might not be oh god

well you might be what do you do with your willy when you have a poo does it lay on the toilet seat is it dangling in the bowl does it even touch the underneath bit of the toilet seat or the rim of the bowl bit where the water comes out when you flush what do you do in public bathrooms i need need to know because I literally lay awake at night thinking about it. Who the fuck is this? It's someone, I think, who's watched a lot of porn and doesn't realise that average Joe's willies are not long enough

to dangle in the water of the bowl. Listen, listen, right? Yes, it dangles in the water when that toilet's blocked. And it's right up at the rim. Of course it does. Who wouldn't? Right? I...

What a fucking lunatic type this. And does it lay on the toilet seat? Well, no, because... It's quite a gap, that, isn't it? Does it lay on the toilet seat? So they think that I sit in the... It could lay on the toilet seat if you wanted it to. Could it?

Yeah. No, it could. Not 100%. Not 100%. We've got a really small toilet seat. No, it could. But my point is, it could. Christopher, I've seen your flattered penis.

It couldn't lay on the toilet seat. Right. You'd have to be right shuffled on it. Right. Okay. Pause the podcast right now. No. Pause the podcast right now. No! Pause the podcast right now.

Take your headphones off. Come on, to the toilet. No! Come on. I don't want to see. Right, hurry up. Come on. Hurry up.

It does. One nil. It does. Okay, it does. One nil. It can sit on the rim of the toilet seat. Listen, the problem is, it can can sit on the rim of the toilet seat. Listen, the problem is, it can't lie on the lid of the toilet seat. Whoever sent this in, Mrs. Maniac, right?

Because, because, with every... This is so... This is the rudest we've ever gone, right? With every push... What push? Of doing number two oh no a bird number one comes out so it could lay on the toilet seat

but what lunatic would lie on the toilet seat because you would just wee all over whatever's in front of you does that happen yes no yes is that meant to happen Chris

oh I find see I find this juvenile and disgusting and pathetic but are there literally women listening now going eh does that happen well I didn't know that men

wee a little bit every time you have a poo. So when you go Tuesdays, you do a little bit of onesies as well? No way. Yeah. We might get emails. That might be something. You might need to go to the doctors.

Well, why? Oh, because I can't lie me knob on the toilet seat. I don't want to. Because you keep winging every time. Butcher's bloody sausage on a slab. You got to admit, Rosie, what you just saw there was a sad bloody sight. It was horrible. Honestly. like a bloody sausage on a slab. You've got to admit, Rosie, what you just saw there was a sad, bloody sight. It was horrible.

Honestly, it's put me off for a while. I'm looking like, it's a good job that we're already pregnant. There's going to be a lot of blokes doing this, I think, from now on. I'm sorry. It did really fit as well. I'm sorry.

I'm making it sound like you've got some sort of microbe. Slagging me off? Honestly? Oh, gosh, funny. That is the weirdest email. I know. Such a weird personal question. Yeah.

That's up there with the weird person on Twitter now and then who asks for socks and that off people. I would do an office poll, but I've only just got a new job and I'm not close enough to them yet. It is as well and I haven't been with my boyfriend for very long

enough to ask him hi hi you alright you don't know me I've just started an account when you sorry

when you I've shit do you have your knob in there and does it touch the water where's HR? Can I, can I, sorry, what was you saying?

I just need you saying him for human resources because I'm going to report you. Because how long have you worked here? Yeah, empty your desk. Three hours. Fucking hell. Three hours, yeah. How long have you worked here?

As long as it took us to type up this questionnaire for you. While you're at it, while you're at the urinal, balls in or out? I mean, fucking hell. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. for you while you're at it while you're the urinal balls in or out i mean fucking you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all... No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what?

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we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Hiya Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. Always. Thought you would like to hear About an awful date

I had with a guy From everyone's favourite Dating app Tinder Yeah Tinder Oh hold on I'm gonna stop you right there Rosie

Right Because I feel as a duty I had an email a while ago Of someone And I've kept it in my computer Just for a moment like this right Okay Hi Chris and Rosie

After listening to the most Recent podcasts You have mentioned several times After some quite frankly horrific stories from tinder brackets the guy with the dildo shelf is quite frankly the most disturbing thing i've ever heard of my life calls brackets close brackets i feel duty bound to share with you that i met my boyfriend on tinder after the breakdown of my 11 year marriage and i can honestly say i have never been happier i guess i just wanted to say that there are some good eggs out there and those poor sods that are still swiping their

way through the masses their time will come big hugs and massive congrats on the new baby hannah and josh thank you hannah and josh there you go that's really lovely but unfortunately i don't think anybody really wants to hear about the lovely love stories that people have found on Tinder I just wanted to say Hannah, Josh you're in the minority Rosie tell us the weird one

okay yeah that is lovely I know a few people who have met on Date Insights Date Insights are great they're the new way to meet people but unfortunately

I don't think we'd be on as many downloads as we are if we just talked about the good stuff exactly we're here for the grim the ugly

and the plain weird. Hannah and Josh, piss off you boring bastards. Oh no. Thank you Hannah and Josh. Well done yous. Totally see where you're coming from. Anyway, so. Keep me at a non.

Ovs. Awful date. I was talking to this guy for a few weeks over social media that I met on Tinder. Seemed like a nice guy and was actually interested in more than a shag. I drove to his house and we went to a local pub from there for a drink we had a lovely date and he seemed like a nice guy when we got back to his he invited me upstairs and one thing led to another oh god this is not me at all so i have no idea why i went through with it but uh it's done now wow that's

what everyone says yeah oh yeah it's my first time oh my It's what everyone says. Yeah, oh yeah. It's my first time. Oh my God, I never do this. I never do this on a first night. Never. Yes, I am freshly shaved. Are you? Funny that. Just in case. We then went downstairs to where his parents were sat in the living room.

Good grief. He walked out the room and said he was going to get something. So I was left awkwardly with a guy's family who definitely just heard us having sex. Jesus. He walked back in with something in his hand.

You will never guess what he had. I should have done this for Bloody Rosie's Mysteries. What do you think he had? Baby duck. Baby chick. Frog.

Mole. Mole. No. Salt. Some salt. No chick. Frog. Mole. No. Salt. Some salt. No. Lamp. No.

Car. Right, that's enough. Car. A little toy car. This guy brought in a list of A to Z of girls he had shagged and added my name to the letter A in front of his parents. Go and piss off. There is no way.

He discussed how the sex went in front of his parents and then proceeded to read out the names of girls he had shagged and how many of each name he had. What? He had nearly filled every letter up with a name and with several on each letter. What the fuck? No! I made the excuse excuse i needed to go home as

it was getting late i made the excuse i need to go home as it was as it was getting absolutely horrendous can you believe that that's no way do you know what it is there is part of us that goes that's not real but then there's part of you goes well why would somebody it's a really random thing i think it might be real what What was mum and dad doing? Oh, Jeffrey. Do you think they turned the telly down? Probably. They probably...

You think the poor's got the water? Well chuffed of them, yeah. Oh, my God. Got any Bs? Got any Zs, eh, son? God. Like sex scrabble. I know.

Horrible, that, isn't it? Oh, I can't... I can't get my head around that. Yeah. Can you imagine him going through the list like that? Going, oh, hey, look at this. I've filled it up. Oh, hey, there we go.

All I needed was H, Hannah. That's great. And then she's like, sorry, no, my name's Anna. And he's like, you're fucking joking, aren't you? And his dad's like, son! For fuck's sake, man! You had all 26 there, but you never listened, you know that? He doesn't listen, does he, Derek?

You don't, do you? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just remembered a funny story from a few years back that you might enjoy. I'd been to the Granger Market. Newcastle, yeah. That was in Newcastle. And bought a large squid from one of the fishmongers to use it as fishing bait.

I already hate where this i just i've been i've been affected by this podcast no it's not i've been affected by the podcast i don't like he's been in the granger market buying a squid i'm a bit annoyed that he's bought a squid to take fishing he's using it as bait yeah yeah i think the squid's quite a nice thing i feel like that's a bit of a waste yeah you could use maggots for bait well it might be really good bait

I don't know much about fishing I just I think squid squid surely is a bit of a delicacy and isn't that some sort of em like not incest

cannibalism cannibalism incest no do you know how fishing works do you know what you don't pull your rod out and the fish is just

fucking the hook going come on. Put us back in the water. I need some privacy. It's eating it. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. It was the wrong word.

Cannibalism. Cannibalism. Fucking with the food chain. No, no. They all eat each other. Everyone fucking eats everyone in the ocean. It's craziness, isn't it? Okay.

It's carnage. Well, fair enough. A bit decadent, though. I mean, it is a bit. Yeah, so if he's taking squid. He's wetting the Granger market. He's taking calamari to go and try and catch a little fucking couple of tiddlers. That's what I'm saying. a bit more, yeah. So if he's taking squid. He's wetting the Granger market. He's taking calamari to go and try and catch a little fucking,

a couple of tiddlers. That's what I'm saying. That is weird, yeah. This is in the northeast as well. That is really weird. He actually goes fishing in Sunderland. Doesn't even go in Newcastle. I go past them all in Sunderland.

Yeah, well, that's where he's fishing. I go past every single one of them on my bike. Would you have guessed that they'd have squid? I wouldn't have guessed, no, no. You know. Tell you what, they're a rag-tag bunch of individuals, the guys fishing at Sunderland Pier. I don't want to slag anyone off here but i i'm i'm not the most comfortable when i go past it's fucking loads of them and they're all like like blokes

like scary looking but they're just sitting standing fishing but they are just a little bit frightening must get a lot of fish there but so anyway i just the fact that someone has emailed our podcast and he's just purchased a fresh squid I don't like where it's going okay well I don't like where it's going let's just see where it goes right

so he's got his he's got his squid he's got his squid for the fishing bait right roll on the next day me and my cousin he was about eight

went fishing next to the glass centre in Sunderland right I'm guessing he's a man and the cousin's eight or whatever eight, went fishing next to the glass centre in Sunderland. Right. I'm guessing he's a man and the cousin's eight or whatever. I don't know. He must be a bit,

well, a few years ago. He might be a teenager. Who knows? The day had been quite dull. You'd never have guessed that he'd been fishing. Fishing, never in the world. Dull.

Fuck it. I've got to say, like, hey, do you know what? No, I'm going to slag them off. Bunch of boring fuckers. What, fishing? Aye, you're boring us out. Oh, don't. You're boring us out. You know, mate. Do you know how many I'm going to slag them off bunch of boring fuckers what fishing aye you're boring us out oh don't

you're boring us out you know my do you know how many supermarkets there are do you know how many supermarkets with fishing you walk past on the way to the pier

boring fucker you know my opinion on fishing what's your opinion on fishing well when my ex-boyfriend made us went fishing

with him once did he oh and I I don't know whether I talk have you said this on the podcast I don't know

come on he made us go fishing we used to love fishing and I just hated it. Boring. Made us go with him. It was freezing cold, and he put up a tent for us, and I was just raging the whole time. Sorry.

Sorry. This is amazing. We haven't spoken about this on here. I don't even know if I know this. Yeah. Can I just say, right? Can I just say? What?

I've got the short end of the fucking stick here. I'm too good to you. What do you mean? Because this is the same boyfriend who used to go at the fucking driving range and sit and watch him hit golf balls. Just sit there, like a fucking,

like a little weird little gargoyle perched watching him. This was back before when I had children and that, and I, you know, I had a lot of time. Nah, I'm too good to you. Honestly, you've struck gold here.

He used to take you to the bloody driving range where, where we're going tonight, love, and we're going out for a meal. We're going to the driving range, love. You'll sit and watch me hit balls. He wasn't from Yorkshire

but it just sounds better. And then now, now I hear he's gone fishing and he's just put you up a little tent for you to sit in. I read three magazines. Like a dog.

And he's took you some magazines in a little tent. It was awful. Where was it? I don't know. It was one of them, it was like a reservoir where you've got to pay it to go. Fucking hell. But then you've got to put the fish back in.

I was raging. I was like, this is pointless. What a fucking... Can't even eat the fish. Wow. Yeah, but I mean, when I knew when it came to the. What a fucking... Can't even eat the fish. Wow. Yeah, but I mean, when I knew when it came to the end of the relationship... We need more information here.

Well, I knew it was at the end of the relationship when he was going to the golf course and asked us to walk around with him and I said, no, I can't do this anymore. And that's when we split up. So you'd rather sit on the bench at the driving range than walk around the golf course? That was one, Chris, that was one time.

Yeah. It was one. No, but I used to have a turn as well. It was quite fun. I used to have a turn as well. This is quite fun. I used to have a turn as well. This is the woman who won't even play a game of pool with me on the pool table that's in the next room. This is, honestly, you went fishing and sat.

Honestly, I'm betrayed. You went and sat in a little tent. You put a little, how long did it take me to put the tent up? I can't remember. It was just like a little covering thing. It was really cold. I really had a bad time. It was a to put the tent up I can't remember it was just like a little covering thing it was really cold I really had a bad time

it was a horrible day I wanted to stay for the full day because he like paid for the full day and we would have to drive there so it was quite far away

I don't know I hope I never heard this I don't know I don't know all have I never heard this I don't know I don't know all the other fishermen going everyone else has brought other fishermen with them

or dogs and he's just brought a fucking woman to sit in a tent and read magazines just fucking whinging it was really shit Ozzy will you shut up man

you're whinging scaring all the fish off trying to relax I was just seething that's terrible anyway oh he's a nice guy

That's just No I'm not snagging him off I'm snagging you off For going I'm snagging you off You won't even play pool with me Well why do you think Because I've been dragged everywhere

He's ruined it He ruined it for you Sitting in a little tent Watching some fish Can we crack on with this story You know what No we can't Because I'm now

Because I'm so angry And also The phrase I'd rather watch paint dry For me You know what? No, we can't because I'm now, because I'm so angry. And also, the phrase, I'd rather watch paint dry, for me, is now being replaced with, I'd rather sit in a tent and watch someone fish. That is the worst day. Sitting in a tent in the cold,

watching someone fish, is the worst thing I can imagine. I don't even think you caught anything that day. It doesn't matter, you'd have a fucking hired back anyway, wouldn't you? I don't think you got anything, though. Anyway. Right, so, can we crack on?

Yeah, we can, but my life's just changed. This is amazing. Great. So, they've got their squid, and they've gone to Sunderland to fish. Yeah. Day had been quite dull. Never. Until something amazing happened.

Doubt it. In the corner of my eye, we saw a woman and a dog walking in our direction. The woman shouted, Don't let her meet anything! But by this point, it was already too late. The dog had picked up the huge squid I'd bought the day before and started hacking it to bits. Shut up. I said that in the beginning.

I know you did. I know that was really weird. Wow! The woman started shouting, Kick it! Kick it! Oh no! I know that was really weird wow the woman started shouting kick it kick it oh no so without any thought

my cousin gave the dog a swift kick no fucking way he would drop the bait as you can guess the woman was absolutely

furious I tried telling him off but I was laughing too hard he's putting brackets here guess the woman was absolutely feeling it. I tried telling him off but I was laughing too hard. He's putting brackets here. I don't condone animal cruelty by

the way. It was just the circumstance and to be fair his cousin was a child and we don't either but it's just. But why she shouted

kick it and then she went off it? She meant the squid Chris. She didn't mean her dog. Kick it away from She meant kick the squid. Kick it didn't mean her dog. Kick it away from him. She meant kick the squid. Kick it.

Kick it. Kick it. And he booted the dog. Well, at least the kids only ate, so it can't have been a hard kick. And he didn't mean to do it at all. Wow. Wow. You'd be raging, wouldn't you?

She was not happy. Not me dog, you little twat. The question is, have either of you been in a hilarious or embarrassing situation where you have not quite understood the context of something someone else has asked you to do i i kind of i haven't off the top of my head i can't really think of one specifically like that but with all of like the this whole covid stuff and having masks on and having to do these one-way systems and stuff in supermarkets i was out on my bike the other day bike guy and i went into a supermarket

and i had my helmet on and i had my sunglasses on and i had my mask on right yeah and i walked in and i was getting some bottles of beer some bottles of corona yes for the um for it was saturday night i was getting some bottles for the night and because you got your mask on and you look at the one-way system and everything's going on i'm on my bike and i'm not good and i just walked up to the the the fridge because it's one of their moments where it was like i wasn't thinking straight and i just picked up the bottles and i just started putting them into my backpack and i was just like shoveling them in and i turned and there was like a woman walking down the aisle who worked there like glaring at us and i went oh

uh i should probably pay for these first shouldn't i and she went and i was like i was like you you think you've just caught me fucking stealing haven't you i was like you honestly think you've got and i was i wasn't even embarrassed i was angry like i was angry that she and again it's the masks like you can't convey you cannot see enough emotion so she was like i just caught you stealing you're gonna pay for it you know and get off with it and I was like and then when I got

to the counter it was her serving us and I went I'll finally pay for them eh and then I paid for them she was like and I was like

now I can put them in a bag and she was like you can and I was like you fuck and there was no way but there was no there was no way out of it

there was no way I was really embarrassed but there was no way out of being able to go like you know take my mask off and go listen I of being able to go like, you know, take my mask off and go, listen, I wasn't,

because the more I'd have went, you know, I wasn't stealing them. It would have been like, well, you were, you were just protesting too much. I caught you.

Thou doth protest too much. But I talked about it on the one show, didn't I? My mum, when she went into Sainsbury's, I said this on the one show, I don't know how many people

saw it on the one show, but again, when there's so many things going on, you're not thinking, my mum was so worried about putting her mask on. I said this on the one show. I don't know how many people saw it on the one show, but again, when there's so many things going on, you're not thinking. My mum was so worried about putting her mask on. She walked in from the rain into Sainsbury's,

put her mask on and she was walking around and she says all the staff were staring at her for ages and she was like, why is everyone staring at us? And she was like,

I've got my mask on, why is everyone staring? And a woman came up and went, you know you can put your brolly down. She's walking around Sainsbury's with her brolly up. Fucking like a dodgem.

Dear Rosie and Chris, here's a little story for you. I've listened to every one of your podcasts and I've now plucked up the courage to send you this story. Imagine Christmas Eve.

You go out to your family for a lovely meal, play a few games when you get home, charades, guess who, post-it notes on your head, you know, the standard Christmas games. It's getting close to 12 o'clock which obviously means bedtime

even at the age of 32 now i still feel 12 o'clock is my limit on christmas eve i have to agree with that yeah you gotta go before santa comes i say to my fiancee who i've been with for seven years that it's time to go upstairs his reply go up babe I'll be up in a minute as I've got one more present to wrap and gives me a wink. Oh, no. So off I go. It's his penis. Oh, no.

It's his penis. Would you stop guessing stuff? It's his penis. No, it's absolutely not. Okay. So off I go excitedly thinking, I wonder what he's got me. I get in my Christmas PJs,

do all the pre-bed pampering and remember that I've left my phone charger downstairs. Oh, no. Oh God. Oh no. I can't. However, I carry on to the kitchen. The noises continue, so I press my ear against the wall and think,

what on earth are they watching? It sounds like porn. Oh, for fuck's sake, on Christmas Eve, what's wrong with everyone? I remember that I've left my drink in the lounge, so think I'll use that as an excuse to pop back in and have a look at what they are watching. They can easily hide any gifts. This is...

As I open the door to my horror, I see my fiancée licking out my mum. No way on earth. That no. No? on earth. That. No. No? She's repeated it.

Yes. My fiancé. Fallatio and her mum. Doing what? Her mum. I scream. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? That's her.

My dad comes rushing down and I tell him all. He tells them both to get out of the house. I haven't spoken to either of them since. It's been five years. And Christmas has never been the same again. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Yeah, they don't do a card for that. And you know what it is, Rosie? You know what's the saddest thing about all this?

What? Santa's supposed to get the pie. We are... Can I just say, we're taking the piss, but we are so sorry. How horrible that is for you. That is awful. But there's a happy ending.

Okay. Sort of. Obviously, a lot has happened since, and I'm now happily married with two kids. Oh, I'm so glad. So, listen. Yep. What's that remind you of? Fuck him.

Fuck him. Fuck her. Yeah. Wow. Intense, that, isn't it? Oh, my God. Thought you might like that. A bit gossipy, that one, isn't it?

Jesus. A bit like reading one of them magazines full of all the... Yeah, the Reader's Wife stories in porn magazines. Yeah. Love it. Good grief. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Rosie.

Right. Yeah. Rosie. What? I've got a question for you, actually. What? This is so weird and random. I was watching you being framed with Robin the other night.

Mm-hmm. And there's a lot of... There was a sports special. There's a lot of people falling over hurdles. Yeah. At school, did you do real hurdles, or did you do pretend hurdles? I don't think we did hurdles at all.

Because my school didn't have hurdles, but we just set up a 100-metre track, and every sort of 10 metres, the PE teacher just shouted, jump, and you had to jump. And that's not a lie. And I wish it was jump and that's not a lie and i wish it was and it's not like so so you would run from the bottom of the field it would be two years you would run and like and then you just go jump and you both have to jump and then a few more steps then you

go jump and then a few more steps and you go jump and you go at the end and you'd be like oh like you wouldn't have made over them you weren't jumping high wow but he was so he wins that's interesting yeah just just felt like you need to know that no i didn't know that and i don't i don't remember doing hurdles at all no so well i don't remember i never did hurdles i did a um i wasn't very good at it no i was terrible at running at school yeah like shocking Like, shocking. I remember doing, like, cross-country. Yeah. But it was basically... A jog.

It was a jog around the bottom of the field. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what used to happen was there was teachers, like, spread out making sure you were jogging. Yeah. But then when you were right at the other end of the field, they couldn't see you. Me and my friends used to just walk,

but lift our knees up really high to look like we were running. Hilarious. So we just walked, but we flipped them up. So, I mean, they must have realised that now thinking back, that's a terrible thing because you would just know.

But we did that for years. I remember once I went on, I did like a cross-country run. Like, I think it was through the school, but it was like on a Saturday somewhere, this big, like massive cross-country run with loads of runners like like the shields harriers who were like running team and that they took part and loads of people took part and then you talk about the great north run it wasn't a great north run and it wasn't it wasn't a junior north run it was

just some big run okay and i remember i did um i sort of it was like three times around this like massive field kind of thing um and i thought the second time round was the third one. And we got to like, what was the finish line? And I like fucking pegged it and like overtook like two people. And I was like, yeah! And there was one lap left. I was like, I just felt I was fucked. You absolute mug.

Dear Rosie and Chris, I thought you'd enjoy this wee story from my single days. It's the worst accent ever. Yeah. Where's she from? Scotland, I think. Great. Just wee. Wee.

Is it, so, is she Scottish and it's a wee story from her single days? Or is she not and it's a wee story? Oh, no, no, it's not about wee. Right, okay. Sorry. You've got to check with Sagmode and all. I know, well, yeah, it's not. It's just a small story.

You've got it small story you got it you got it a few years ago I went to Bruges with a girlfriend of mine for a weekend she and I had a great time

tasting all the beers and I had managed to convince an old travelling friend let's call him Steve to come visit on the Saturday from Brussels

got you what are you laughing at just let's call him Steve it's just any name pick a name let's call him Steve do Any name. Pick a name. Let's call him Steve.

Do you know what's funny? The whole story is not actually that embarrassing for Steve. Okay. So the fact that she's changed his name. I wish I once only wanted to use the power of deduction and find out. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Fair enough. I quite fancied Steve when we were travelling.

And whilst he was definitely not boyfriend material, he was still quite cool and good looking. Okay, okay. Anyway, a day and evening of drinking and laughter later and we convinced Steve to miss his last train back to Brussels and stay with us. We said us girls could top and tail in a bunk in our hostel and he could have the other bunk as there was no rooms left. Hey, how would the other half live? I know.

Oh, hey. Wheel top and tail. Hey, miss your train. Wheel top and tail in a bunk bed in a hostel because all the other beds are taken so it'll be fucking even and you can have the other secondhand used last night bunk for yourself. It's not inviting in my eyes. That's not.

I would go, I'll get me train. I'd sleep in the train station. 100%. i'll just stand there i'll just stand in the train station till the morning the next train really no you wouldn't i probably would i'd probably just stand there or sit in the corner well instead of sleeping in a bunk yeah in a hostel in a hostel million percent yeah i just walk around the stand in the corner of a train station. Yeah. I don't believe that for a second. I think you would regret that.

I think you'd be stood in the corner of that train station thinking, I could be in a bed right now. Well, this is pre-lockdown, so there wouldn't be a 10 o'clock, you know, a 10 o'clock, whatever. So you'd go to a nightclub or whatever. You could go to McDonald's or something like that. Oh, you are explaining. And then you could literally go.

Yeah, yeah. But then you'd go and stand, just stand in stand in the train station yeah but then you'd get that really do you know when you're so tired that you know when you're traveling and you're so tired that you want to just die that's what you'd be feeling like in that train station yeah and you know what's worse than death a bunk bed in a hostel right well fair enough so we stumbled in fairly pissed into our dorm and the girls in the other bunk seemed quite annoyed that we'd brought someone back

and we were making noise yeah sounds like your kind of dorm it's don't book a bed in a room full of beds and be surprised when someone comes in

and makes some noise yeah like you haven't you're not at the fucking ward off Astoria people are going to come in. See, it's hard for us, though, to understand because it's something that we've never done. And I don't think it's because, well, me personally,

by any means, being posh or anything like that, just hostel and travelling life, I've never, ever done. But I can't ever imagine going to sleep next to a stranger in the same room. I can't imagine it unless I was in prison. going to sleep next to a stranger in the same room. I can't imagine it unless I was in prison. Well, your thing at the minute is to just stop me snoring. So you'd just be walking around the room all night,

shoving everyone all night, going, so you're snoring? Stop snoring. Stop it. I would. That's your new thing. I would. Have you ever heard you snoring, by the way? Not your tennis snoring. Think of that. Why?

Think of what you just asked me. Have I ever heard myself snoring? Oh, okay. Or have you lost your mind? Would you like to hear yourself snoring? Have you recorded it again? Maybe I have. Oh, for fuck's sake, man.

Do you want to? I kind of live in this house. Do you know that? You actually want to, though? It's like being in a big brother house. You've just reminded us of it. Come on, then. But this is what I have to listen to six or seven times a night,

and this is why I wake you up. You're going to get a shock. It's awful, Chris. Really? This was last night. I don't think it's that bad. Yeah. Are you ready?

Right, okay. You snow as well. I don't think I snow like this. Okay, go on then. Oh, shit. Yeah. Okay. Hi, Grand. Yeah. Okay. Grandad Joe.

Your clip. Every night, six or seven times, I swear to God. Okay. Awful. And it wakes me up. Wow. So, there you go. Okay, I'll take that.

Right, back to the hostel. I told you, you reminded me of that. I stand corrected. So, they're making a lot of noise. The girls are getting pissed off. So they started to threaten to go tell the reception and get us all kicked out for sneaking someone in. Great.

Steve was in the bunk above us and was too drunk to obey orders. He would keep leaning over and saying he needed company up there as he was going to rush off to get the first train. So we had to have one girl up there in order for it to not look like we had someone there in the morning. I mean, I... Like a boarding school

to check where you've slept. Yeah. What are you... I need some company up here is the worst line in the world, by the way. And I'm getting an early train in the morning so will someone come up here? So he's, I mean, yeah.

I mean, he's trying his best. He's trying it on. He's trying his best. I needed no excuse and so he's, I mean, yeah. I mean, he's trying his best. He's trying it on. He's trying his best. I needed no excuse. And so I said, I'll go. He was clearly wanting a cheeky snog. Great. So up I went.

And sure enough, his hands crept all over me. And we were making out. And he kept whispering just how much he liked me. He continued and said he had fancied me from the start and hadn't it been obvious? And I said, well, no, I didn't get that vibe from you at all when we were travelling. He suddenly goes quiet

and says, Chloe? I say, yes. Another long silence. Oh, shit. At this point, I clocked that he thought he had been snogging my friend and immediately got angry and kicked him out of bed. Oh, wow. Oh, that is fantastic. Can you imagine?

Congratulations, Steve. You cock-blocked yourself. Well, I was thinking about this, though. What would you do? Would you just keep... Like, you would have to go... Huh? Chloe?

Wow. Or would you just keep going? I mean, I don't know. Would it have been rude for him when he was saying I need some company up here to specifically say which one he wanted? I mean, he really should have specified which. Hey guys,

I got the early train in the morning, you know, they might be rather lonely up here. I need some company. Not you, Chloe. Anyone but you, Chloe. I need some company, one of you. Not you, Chloe. Eeny, meeny. anyone but you Chloe you need some company one of you not you Chloe eenie meenie Chloe did you not get the hint

when he was going to miss his train he offered you the train ticket so you would just fuck off to Brussels and leave you with his mate poor Chloe oh bless her heart I'll go he could have styled that out to be fair though she could have been like I didn't get that vibe when we were travelling he could have been like Poor Chloe. Oh, bless her heart. I'll go.

He could have started that out, to be fair, though. She could have been like, I didn't get that vibe when we were travelling. He could have been like, Chloe? Mm-hmm. Yeah? How could you not have got that vibe? I thought it was so obvious. Now, goodnight.

God, this headache has come on so quickly. Are you going to ask your mate if she's got any paracetamol? Or will you go somewhere miles away? Chloe, do you fancy going and standing in the train station on your own? I've heard from a friend it's really good. It's the McDonald's on the way, get your sack back. Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network.

I'll tell you what other network it's part of. It's part of the bloody cheering Chris Ramsey up network. You feel a bit better now. I was honestly really, really down all day. Again, I wish I'd done it earlier on, because I'm really cheered up now, and I'm really happy we've been chatting for a bit, and it's been lovely. Guys, thank you so much for listening.

I hope you're all okay. Hope everything's all right. The book is out if you want cheering up in literature form, paper form. Literary. The book is out at the moment

in all lovely, good, nice book places. As always, if you want to get in touch at chagrownode at gmail.com. Thank you so much and we will be all over your ears next week. Bye.

Bye. at gmail.com thank you so much and we will be all over your ears next week bye bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast

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