Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 84. Top Sheet

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

Rosie and Chris are recording from their office this week. It's strictly business and also some Gaviscon flavoured beef, chicken burger mysteries and an assortment of questions from the public.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my work colleague, who sometimes I have sex with and procreate with, Chris Ramsey. Are you talking like this because we're in our office? Yes, it does. It feels a lot less marriagey today. It does a little bit. Nice. Yeah, I do feel a lot. Do you want to go and have sex in the cupboard?

No, because I was just about to talk about the fact that I don't feel like I'm with the woman I love and fancy because a few minutes ago... But that's what makes it exciting. Because a few minutes ago, you farted and then laughed so much that you weed yourself a bit. Why? Why is nothing sacred anymore? You record me snoring all the time.

So the minute you walked out to go to the toilet to check how much you'd weed yourself, I was like, I know what I'm talking about on the podcast now. Thank you. Thanks for that. Thanks for that. It's partly your problem that I do weigh myself. Because of the baby.

Because of both of the babies. Because of both of the babies. Both of the massive, massive, ginormous, gigantic babies that you put inside of me. Robin is a big lad. He's huge. I don't know where we got him from. This one's going to be massive as well.

Yeah, yeah. Sick. Anyway, yes yes I pumped twice I laughed that was the point the point was you farted you're sort of

sitting on a flat bench and you farted and you laughed so much you then stood up and I was like please say you've shit yourself but you were just

no you'd you'd just weed yourself a bit and you were loving it weren't you but you know what I'll sacrifice this pair of knickers for a good laugh

amazing stuff guys it is episode 84 thank you so so much I know I know we're recording this on a Sunday because I'm actually if you're listening to this on a Sunday

on a Sunday I've been in London doing the one show all week and yeah so we're recording this on a Sunday to get it out the way imagine if you die this week right

and then but this is done and it just goes out on Friday and everyone's like, eh. If I died, would you still put this out? I mean,

it's sponsored now, Chris. It's a sponsored box. So. Like, honestly. Honestly. We've got to hit those deadlads. Get her in an office and she turns into fucking

bloody Johnny Hollywood over here. Bloody what's he called? Gordon Gekko or fucking what's it called show me the money no no you've lost us yeah

Wall Street doesn't matter I don't know Wolf of Wall Street they were gone but I didn't mean that I meant the other one okay

anyway yes I can't lie basically you turn into a bastard is what I'm trying to say the long and short of it was you turn into a money grabbing bastard slash bitch great

guys thank you so much for listening and continuing to like rate and subscribe we'll love it we'll love you I know I was a little bit down last week

and I got I got some lovely emails and messages saying that even if I was a bit down it really helps other people who are down that's good

honestly are you feeling better this week I'm feeling a lot better this week I am I'm not so that's good

I think we're just taking turns we do don't we we affect each other quite a lot our moods do you know what it is not, so that's good. I think we're just taking turns. We do, don't we? We affect each other quite a lot, our moods. Do you know what it is? We're still in, I don't want to, we're not going to talk about it too much, I promise you. But we are currently still in a local lockdown

and I just miss my friends. Yeah. I miss my sister. Yeah. I miss my brother. I miss my nephews. I miss my best friends. I miss my little Nana.

Haven't seen her for ages because she's 83, God love her. And I just, 82, she'll tell us off. 82, 83. Nana, Haven't seen her for ages because she's 83, God love her, and I just, 82, she'll tell us off. 82, 83. Nana, I can't remember, I'm sorry. She's in her early 80s

but she doesn't really look and I tell you that right now. I just miss everyone. I just miss them and it's just, it's hard. But anyway, we're here,

we're here to have a laugh and this always cheers us up so I'm excited. It cheered me up massively last week and I hope it does to everyone. I hope it did to everyone last week and this week as well.

And obviously, without, you know, I couldn it does to everyone I hope it did to everyone last week and this week as well and obviously without you know I couldn't get through the days if it wasn't for the lucrative sponsors I couldn't Chris honestly just sorting us right out

this is what I masturbate about these sponsors awful I do it's horrible that sorry yeah that's fine

I don't know why I said that it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor can't wait this week's sponsor is, lucrative sponsor. Can't wait. This week's sponsor is... What is it? Roman Blinds. Oh!

I love a Roman Blinds. They're fucking shit, Rosie. Roman Blinds. Hey, does that look nice from inside? Hey, if you're listening now and you don't know what Roman Blinds are,

they're them blinds that everyone thinks, oh, they're great, let's get them. And they sort of come down in sort of three sections. They're very posh. No, they're like a big fucking du them. And they sort of come down in sort of three sections. They're very posh. Like a big fucking duvet on your window.

Three or four times now, Rosie has insisted on buying Roman blinds. We'll get them. She goes, these ones are better, they'll be different. They're always shit. Every single time. Hey, hey, do you want it to look nice from inside? Yeah. But do you want it to absolutely have zero

functionality, and from the outside there's no pattern on it so it just looks like you've got a mattress against your window like a fucking crack den roman blinds i know i don't agree with this pull it up open it oh no it got caught on the window handle again roman blinds quick pull it up pull it up oh the fucking cord's not working again roman blinds yeah but romans were cool weren't they well what are they all i think the reason i like roman blinds is because i do think i once lived there in a past life oh jesus as well as you know i think the early 1900s but as well i think i was romans oh so you think you've had loads you think you're just oh yeah you couldn't just have them all over

the place like a fucking playground for you when it dies straight back up the steps on the slide again. Yeah, I mean, like I've said before, my Catholicism would disagree, but I've got lots of different faiths. Yeah, depending on what time of day or what day of the week it is. Or the mood I'm taking at that time, yeah. Roman blinds. Hey, pull them down, eh?

Let's get it nice and dark in here. They don't even block the fucking light out either. Are you not entertained? That's why all the ones we've got, we've got curtains on the same window. Roman blinds. Waste of money,

waste of time. Did you hear me? Yeah, it was good, yeah. From Gladiator. Yeah, yeah. Was that Roman's? Yes. Yeah.

I'm good. Because if not, I'd be really embarrassed because that could have been cut out because you were talking but it came to me and I had to say it.

Yeah, well not just that. You've just claimed that you were talking, but it came to me and I had to say it. Yeah, well, not just that. You've just claimed that you were Roman in a past life. Then you had to then ask me if Gladius was Roman times. Gladius, probably the most iconic Roman symbolism there is, is Gladius. They do wear the robes. Great. Wow. Wear the robes?

What they're called? Brilliant. So you don't know if Gladius is a thing and you're now asking us what the name of the thing is that you apparently lived at Torgas Torgas

I don't know if Torgas was Romans I think that's more what's it called it might be like a Julius Caesar yes that's what I meant that's the time I'm talking about

with the crowns but I wasn't one of them with the crowns I was in the crowd I was quite poor definitely yeah absolutely

yeah you were thrown worked in the brothel with me boobs out that'll be it that was me that'll be it that'll be it before children because they wouldn't have us now uh you want that one there which which one do you want Maximus which one do you want that one well careful because I think that's a soaking piss because someone just made a laugh oh here's the jingle. Here it is. Laughing again.

Laughing again. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle.

Jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. I hope you like the jingo, jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingo! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. The world is still falling apart. Yep. COVID-19 is still very much in the air.

It's everywhere. It's not in the air. It's not in the pubs, but that's alright. It's not in some places. It's only in your house with your friends and family currently. Yeah. But listen, this is our podcast. Me and you.

Yeah. Mate. Yeah. Come on in. Strap yourselves in. And don't you sometimes just want to go? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. Shag, in Norway.

Here we are. This is horrible. We love that you come here every week. Yeah. Hey, sit down. Come on. Fuck COVID. Knows your name.

We don't know all your names, but we would try and learn them because we love you. We would forget them. I wouldn't try to learn them. That was awful. But we would try and learn them Because we love you Moosey would forget them I wouldn't try to learn them That was awful But we're glad that you're here Welcome back

That was lovely that That made Honestly with everyone's Outpouring this week Of everyone being so lovely That did make us That made us really happy that Good

Yeah It's like a little Yeah Yeah Little community we've got going Thank you all so much You're bloody lovely You're bloody lovely

Apart from I have to start with an apology. Oh, you have to apologise? I have to start with an apology. Why? What have you done? So I did the emails this week. Yeah. And I went through.

A lot of emails kicking off about me. Why? A lot. I'll just give you one here. Dear Chris and Rosie, my husband and I are huge fans of the podcast currently listening to today's episode. I noticed that Chris used the word fellatio

to refer to the act more colloquially known as licking out. Yeah. And thought you may like to know that fellatio specifically refers to oral stimulation of the penis. Yes, you meant cunnilingus. Yeah, the relevant word for oral stimulation

of the vulva or clitoris is cunnilingus. Apologies if this comes across as pedantic but since Chris loves to correct Rosie I thought it might be a nice change for someone to correct him thank you

do you know what wow yeah I appreciate that thank you very well written very very well written as opposed to another one

I found which just genuinely said Chris man stop sinful issue when you mean cunnilingus that's all that's all the email said well

both to the point I suppose I always admit when I'm wrong i always admit i don't sometimes do sometimes i try and wriggle out of it sometimes i don't when you when i'm banging the rights i always admit when i'm wrong all right great that person actually who um who sent that lovely cunnilingus email there and they've actually said as well if you happen to read this on the podcast please could you do a shout out to the go on about something but oh you horrible little bastard you're not gonna do it i'm a fuck no you are you're correct me in my bloody pub where everybody knows your name come on in and correct me about me bloody licking out listen if he likes the blowjobs let him like the blowjobs exactly if i want to refer to everything

as a blowjob everything's a blowjob, right? Shut your mouth. Well, don't shut your mouth. Oh, hey. If you are given said blowjob, oh, hey. Don't shut your mouth, it's in there. Right, that's enough. This is horrible.

Why has it gone to this? Hey, what do you mean? It started like this. It always is this. It was born as this. I played the Cheers theme tune this episode and you're talking about blooming blowies already by gum babadoo babadoo babadoo

bap what's been going on well currently we are sat it's a Sunday we're recording the podcast early because you are going to do the one show this week

yes and Chris I love you you know I love you it's a deep rooted love that we've got but I cannot stop there

no stop there I cannot wait I love you too let's move on you're looking forward aren't you I cannot wait to say the there. No. Stop there. I cannot wait. Let's move on. You're looking forward, aren't you? I cannot wait to see the back of you for a week. I swear.

Do you not? I know it's weird because I think you could spend loads of time with me. And I always find that really strange. Yeah. And I feel a bit guilty because. I'm a bit needy, I think. I'm happy to see you go for a little while. Like when you

used to be on tour i really miss you and you come home and i'll be like oh i've missed you so much and would like hug in bed now because it's been months and months that we've just seen each other every night and i'm like would you fuck off i understand that's how i feel i understand i am looking forward because i i've had all my tours taken away this year and touring is my it's like when i'm home i don't have that many nights out with me mates you always say to me why don't you go out with your mates and say because being on tour is kind of me work and me night out and i'm with carl and we're to a manager and we drive our friends as well that is so it's kind of like my my time away and I haven't had any of that. So I am looking forward to my own space next week,

but there is the moments where I just kind of, this morning I think it was, you and Robin were sitting in the chair cuddle and I was sitting across having a cup of coffee and I was looking at you and I was like, I'm going to miss them next week. No, you're not. Nah, I am. No, you're not.

Honestly, I do. It's really weird. I'm the same with Robin. Sometimes if he's doing me a head in or whatever, I'm like, oh, you tape the bed, he's doing me a head in, you tape the bed. I like go me a head in you tape in the bed I like go brush my teeth

and I keep sneaking his room and look and I'm like I love you so much so weird but I hated you like 20 minutes ago but I'm so glad

I'm not taping you in the bed no so have a lovely time thank you this is our it's Friday today when you're listening to this and you're doing the one show

yeah I'll be on there tonight and you'll be on your way back and I'll be like... God. God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

We got to send something, Rosie. A lot of people tweeted me this this week, so I've had to talk about it. You think you've been busy during lockdown, doing your book, doing your book and your podcast and your adverts and that, and even bloody getting yourself knocked up. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, for a bang. Right? Well, if you think that, right? There being someone, a certain little someone in Vietnam has been extremely busy. Police seize 324,000 used condoms being washed and ready to be resold. No.

In Vietnam. No. The condoms were seized by police from a warehouse in I think you pronounce it Bing Dong which is hilarious, in Vietnam. I think that's how you pronounce it and that's hilarious. The owner of the place allegedly cleaned them before

reselling them. That's disgusting. Yeah, she washed and dried them. She? She? This is a. Yeah. She washed and dried them. She? She? This is a woman. She has washed and dried 324,000 condoms to be reselled. Thousand, Chris.

324,000. I thought you just said 324. You've never listened to me. 324,000. 324,000. Almost half a million. Oh, I'm sorry.

Where are they going? On the... What you do is you sort of hold the end and you put it on top of the... What? I mean, where are they going? Where are they going? On the... What you do is you sort of hold the end and you put it on top of the... What? I mean, where are they going? Where are they being sold?

Everywhere. Yeah, they're getting resold. I don't know where. Listen to this. She washed and dried them before reshaping them with a dildo. So she's washed... Where's she got them from?

Where's she got 324 used condoms from? A lot of posh wangs going on there. So paid workers were tasked with cleaning the rubber contraceptives before reshaping them with wooden dildos. The condoms were then repackaged before being resold to the public and thousands had already been sent out to the unsuspecting public. This is... That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

People knocking around there. Someone has been... I mean... I mean... Listen, right? back in the day when i was a bit trendy i got the odd jacket from a charity charity shop i got the odd secondhand pair jeans i wouldn't be buying a secondhand condom no wouldn't it not in a million years absolutely not how well have you washed it they'll have had to empty them all where would they have put their stuff sorry they'll have what

had to empty them all yeah what do you mean well you know you think what you think they came with stuff in them

well why where are they getting them that's mine do you think people are giving these willingly that's my thing have they stole them from bins willingly from the

what did I say just willing no it's just the fact that you used willingly in this story. Willingly. Willingly. Are they going around teenage boys' bedrooms? Are they getting them from pubs? I don't know.

Local reports say that they were being supplied to hotels and market stores near the warehouse. I'm disgusted by this. I don't know where she got them. It doesn't say in the thing where she got them, which is really annoying because that's the main thing I want to know, where she got them. Wow.

Or she just got... But then again, if she's just buying them to redo them, that just takes it out there. That just... Ugh. Ugh. How do you get rid of a condom?

Email in. Check my... Send it to Bing Dong. Bing Dong. I'm sure it was Bing Dong, which is great. Big Dong. Big Dong.

Big wooden dong. Good God. That's horrible. Good God. Babadoo,'m sure it was bing dong, which is great. Big dong. Big dong. Big wooden dong. Good God. That's horrible. Good God. So last week, Rosie's Mysteries was taken over by our son. Made my heart sing when that happened. And so many people are loving it on social media as well. Everyone enjoyed it.

Thank you all who wrote lovely things about me. It means the world. It really does. I thought I'd do it again this week. Go for it. Why not? Absolutely. I wanted to get him to record a new one,

but he was just in one of them moods and he wouldn't do it, so. I often think as well, when you do the actual Rosie's Mysteries and you ask us the question of Rosie's Mysteries, I often think that if Robin did the content himself, it would also be better. What, get him to read the story?

No, just get him to make up the mystery because it's about as good as the ones you do. That's nice to know. Hey, you never know, you might. Here we go. Three. This is Robin's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Well, I never knew that.

Can you believe it? She's Well, I never knew that. I don't believe it. He's pooping every time. There we go. He's pooping every time. Mysteries. He's pooping every time. Mysteries.

Every single time, Chris, he's just pooping. Every single time, he's pooping. Fantastic. Got a lovely little one for you here. Come on then. Dear Rosie and Chris. Is there an answer to it before you start? Yeah.

Good. Yeah, yeah. No, that's what we're doing now. Right, okay, okay. Because nobody seems to have whinged about the way that we're doing it now. Right, okay. So I tell you a story. You have to guess the outcome. Right, good, good, good, good, good, good.

And we'll see how we get. This is a little bit rank, but tis the podcast. Happy days. So here we go. Happy days. Here we go. Come on, mum. We've just done Woman Washes and Resells Nearly Half a Million Condoms. It's cool. That's so bad.

It's cool. Dear Rosie and Chris, this isn't my story, but a friend of mine from works. Oh, goodness. I'll be very impressed if you guys guess the ending, because I never would have got it in a million years. Oh, okay. Okay. When my colleague was my age, in her 20s and loving life,

her and her friend went to Manchester for the day. Manchester. Manchester. They had a day of shopping and drinking and ended up at a fried chicken restaurant for some scran. Who in the world has ever said fried chicken restaurant? I don't want to name said fried chicken restaurant, do I? But fried chicken restaurant? I don't want to name said fried chicken restaurant. Right.

But fried chicken restaurant. All right. Well, take away. Can we go to the... Can you... Sorry, two seconds. Yeah, I'll just... I'll speak with P.A.

P.A., can you book me a table at the fried chicken restaurant? It's got three Michelin stars. Yes. What do they do? Just fried chicken. All fried chicken. All fried chicken. Fried chicken restaurant. Can we go to the pizza emporium this evening, please? There is a restaurant called that.

I used to go to one when I was younger. As they were eating, my colleague's friend began to get a really strange look on her face. She swallowed her food and took a sip of her drink. As she took a sip of her drink, they noticed the unmistakable tinge of blood on her straw. Shut up. Now, I at this point in the story was thinking, well, she's swallowed a chicken bone and it's cut her throat on the way down. Oh God.

As horrible as it sounds. Oh God. The girls thought the same thing and because there was a significant amount of blood in her mouth they decided to go to the hospital to get checked out oh my word they gathered their food and took it with them to a and e brilliant i mean that's the worst that's the i mean as if a and e isn't bad enough three fucking toss has come in with half-eaten buckets of chicken. I'm not being funny. There's a bit of blood in my mate's mouth would not make me leave me bucket of chicken. See, that's where me and you are very different

because I wouldn't have ate the rest of it. Yeah, no, of course you wouldn't have. I've told you about how when we're writing the Chris Ramsey show, me and two lads I was writing with were in the office and every single day we'd get these amazing chicken sandwiches in from like delivery or whatever they were fucking phenomenal yeah he's like just amazing and we got them for weeks and weeks and weeks and then we had a different writer in one day maybe sort of main right i had a different guy in as well and that guy he bit him he's he's sort of chicken sandwich he went oh no oh there's

a little bone in there and i just put my sandwich down and i went i'm fucking done i can't have that anymore yeah i was like i can't have that yeah but this is the thing this is what i get annoyed about you is a meat eater if you're gonna eat meat yeah you need to understand that it's from an animal yes that has bones and bits and guts and all that. If you're going to go ahead and eat it, you go on like it should be like a fine bloody wine. It's meat. Yeah, but my point is, with a bit of K in consideration,

you can have it without bones and shit. Says the man who never makes his own dinner. That's hilarious. That's hilarious, Chris. Can I just say... Laughing me head off, I am. That's a horrible thing. Careful, you might piss yourself. That was the thing though. So the new guy was like, laughing me head off I am that's a horrible thing careful you might piss yourself

that was the thing though so the new guy was like oh I got a ball in that and I put my chicken sandwich down and the writer it was Jason Cuckoo who's one of my best mates

who's been with us the whole time Jason went oh I've been getting bones in there every day but I just haven't been telling him because I knew

he'd never get one again fuck's sake so he knew how operators I don't tell you loads of stuff that happens. Anyway.

Okay, so these three absolute fucking scumbags went to A&E to eat fried chicken. They've got the food with them. Mingers.

They might have only just started. Mingers. I can only assume that they blamed the alcohol for the lack of pain she was experiencing and

therefore had more of a reason to get checked out. Fair enough, they're drunk. I forgot they were drunk, that's not too bad. At the of pain she was experiencing and therefore had more of a reason to get checked out. Fair enough, they're drunk. I forgot they were drunk. That's not too bad. At the hospital, she was checked out

by medical staff. Because I'm not sure who else would do that. At the hospital, she was checked out by the car park attendant. The janitor came in to take her blood pressure.

At the hospital, she was checked out by a builder who was currently doing an extension on the children's ward. Fuck me. Oh, I love that.

Can I just say, I find it really hard to believe that this chicken restaurant let them take the food away with them. Did they take away service? Can you bag it up

with this chicken restaurant? Just depends. At the fried chicken restaurant? I think they're quite cool and they've got paper plates. Really? The fried chicken restaurant will let you take the meal

from the fried chicken restaurant out of the fried chicken restaurant. That's madness. Crazy, isn't it? I can't believe that. A nurse left the room for a minute and approached the girls again

after having a quiet discussion with the other medical professionals. The other medical professionals, yeah. The cleaner. Yeah, lollipop lady from across the road.

The builder and everyone else that all had a chat together. She consulted with a taxi driver waiting outside for someone. And they concluded that. She pulled the curtain across

and sat down with a solemn look on her face. Oh, I hate this. She said she had good news and bad news. Do you know what it is, right? I've been joking away. We've been joking in the build-up to this and it's took me mind off how it's a horrible medical story

about food and I now feel sad again. Okay, well, the mystery's coming. The good news was her throat was fine and there had been no damage. Okay.

The bad news was... Right. This is where you need to guess. So this is the mystery. This is... The bad news was there was something in the food. What's the bad news was so there was something in the food

what's the bad news so there was something in the food that caused the blood right she got no damage to her throat though but she grimaced

she did grimace didn't she and then she took a drink of her straw she grimaced she pulled a funny face something was wrong she took a drink

with her straw and then the blood was on the straw and then the blood was on the straw what do you think so I've got two options for you

okay I've got two ways to go you said it was rank right you're not very squeamish with um okay i've i've i had two options one way to go was it was raw and it was bleeding um i will no longer go that way because you're not squeamish at all when it comes to food and you said yeah and you said this was rank I hate myself that this is where my brain's gone and this is what

this podcast has done to me but I'm going to go with used tampon oh my word yeah right is that what you think yeah I think there's

a used tampon or some kind of sanitary product being put into it no right okay well I don't know hang on

don't think so right okay are you ready for the mystery yeah the bad news was they still needed to discover where the blood had come from. Oh, Jesus.

The nurse asked them if they still had their food with them. Awful. And if she could take it from them to have a look at what she had been eating when it happened. She took it away and returned a few moments later. She sat down and explained to the girls that it was as she'd expected. No, what? It turns out that what the girl had thought was a nice juicy chunk of fried chicken was actually not chicken at all, but a mouse.

Oh, you dirty, horrible, rotten bastards. No, no, rotten bastards. No. No. No. The remaining piece of food that she had bitten into when the batter was taking off was the remains of a mouse that had been coated, fried and put into the girl's box of fried chicken. No way.

The blood in her mouth was mouse blood. No. Well, how was it? How? If it had been cooked, how was the blood? Nah, I won't have it. I won't have it. It says at the end,

it's probably worth saying that this was about 20 years ago, not recently. Oh. So, no, but because that was, that mouse was just, hadn't been like drained or anything or prepped. It was just a mouse.

Oh, it's one of them things where we'll get some emails going, that's an urban legend. But I go, I don't know. I just, I feel like I've heard, I mean, did you ever see the photo of the guy who had the, let's just say the breakfast meal from a burger restaurant? And it was from near where we live.

The egg had a fly in it. Right. Did you ever see that? No. Yeah, there's some kind of. The egg had a fly in it. What do you mean? You know, that perfectly round egg that they do. Okay. It had a fly in it right you ever see that no yeah there's some kind of the egg had a fly in it what do you mean you know that perfectly round egg

that they do okay it had a fly in the egg right it looked a lot like a very very low budget remake of you know the mosquito in the amber in Jurassic Park

nice like the DNA very good it kind of looked like that very good but it was just a fly and a bit of egg well do you not remember

there was something else going about this was when the internet was only just kind of starting I know exactly what you're going, but it was just a fly and a bit of egg. Well, do you not remember there was something else going about? This was when the internet was only just kind of starting. I know exactly what you're going to say. It was like a brain. It was a chicken burger from somewhere, and it was a compressed chicken head. Yes. I remember that.

Yeah, compressed chicken head. No, I would not eat it. Ah, it depends how hungry I was. Can I say right now, if I was in a restaurant, that kind of restaurant, and I bit into something, and it was that disgusting, it was a chicken head or it was a thing, I would fucking sling my entire meal over the counter at the people behind the counter.

The full bag would just go over the counter straight away. See, is it bad that... Fucking milkshake a lot. Get out! Sorry. Can I speak or not? Rosie, I'm having like a little... You know when you have a little sort of daydream fantasy?

I'm having a daydream fantasy of just like a full, like massive milkshake and just fucking slinging it over the counter. Do you never have them? Like little fantasies in your head where you... I have arguments with people in the shower. How does it start? Why are you in my shower? No, they're not there physically.

I'm somewhere else. No, I was joking. Yeah. Good times. Then I have a little cry. We've talked about this before. You're not that bothered,? Why are you in my shower? No, they're not there physically. I'm somewhere else. No, I was joking. Yeah. Good times. Then I have a little cry. We've talked about this before. You're not that bothered, though. If you got a compressed chicken head,

you'd be happy as Larry. Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't want to have a compressed chicken head, but if I did get a compressed chicken head, I wouldn't eat it. I'd probably leave the meal, but then I'd go back. I think that's the problem.

You've got a fucking goldfish memory just oh I love it in there apart from that one time I got a compressed chin there that would be the end of it for me I would never go there again

I would tell everyone you would literally go I'll leave it a week yeah yeah I've had food I've had food poisoning from a place and went there

a couple of weeks later no oh fuck off oh Rosie man you're a you're a fucking s weeks later no oh fuck off oh Rosie man you're a you're a fucking slob no I'm a big greedy fat pig that's what's wrong with us

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Currently pregnant. Not much else going on. What? You kept that quiet until yourself. Six months along. Chug, chug, chugging. I've been getting quite bad acid reflux. Yes.

I've been drinking and taking a lot of Gaviscon. Yes. Yesterday, and you know this, because this never happens to me in normal life i only get heartburn indigestion whatever when i'm pregnant right okay yes yesterday we got a takeaway before said takeaway you made this big massive song and dance of taking some Gaviscon and you went, I'm going to have to have some of this before this takeaway

because, oh, hey, I'm going to be up to here and I've heartburn. I'm going to be ill, Rosie, ill. Matt got a spoon in that, did it at the kitchen island, didn't even do it and just discreetly,

you know, pronounced it to the whole room. Well, me and Robin pronounced it, told us all and I thought you wanker that's the one thing that's happening to me

at the minute that I'm really fed up with having to sleep with two bloody pillows it's awful and there you are just nonchalantly oh hey why can't I be the one in more pain than you why why all of a sudden you've never ever done that before why are you making it a thing now why do you think why do

you fucking think that if um if if you're ill or you something wrong with you at the moment why do you think that you've got the monopoly on that and another person isn't allowed to feel that thing because i've never seen you do it i've never ever you have never ever pronounced to me that you're taking gaviscon in our whole marriage or our whole time being together i swear i swear on robin and i swear on this baby's life you have never ever at the kitchen island with the spoon told me that you are taking some gaviscon well well well well well well I hope we should we should probably

ring the crematorium and sort Robin's funeral because you've just swore on him on a massive lie because you know every Christmas I get

bottles of whatever alcohol and a bottle of Christmas Gaviscon and I absolutely destroy it over the Christmas you don't tell us every time you're

going to take it though which you're doing at the minute you happen to be in the room no why are you this is horrible listen why do you happen to be in the room no why are you this is horrible

this is awful listen why do you think you've got the monopoly on an illness you can be like oh I've got a headache and then like four hours later

I can be like oh I've got a bit of a headache and you're like oh brilliant muscling in on me fucking headache because I don't do that to you I don't fucking plan it

I know yes you do you do I do not you can't you cannot let me be something without you being

ten times worse. I swear to God, I could have kicked you last night when you got that Gaviscon out. Honestly, we could be in my car

and we could have a head-on collision, right? And you could literally go, ah, me legs, me legs, the engine's covered, me legs,

I'm trapped and I could go, me too. And you'd go, ah, brilliant, I thought I was having that. No, that's a bit different. Firemen, don't cut him out, it's just me. That's different, I'm trapped, and I could go, me too, and you'd go, ah, brilliant, I thought I was having that. No, that's a bit different. Firemen, don't cut him out, it's just me.

That's different. I'm the only one who's got the car crash. Yeah, well, honestly. That's, I mean, listen, that's different. I would let you. You're greedy. You're greedy. Greedy.

Greedy. You shouldn't even be having that Gaviscon, because I need that Gaviscon more than you. Listen, I needed it. I needed it. I had some heartburn off me. Eat slower, right? I can't. The only reason I'm getting heartburn

is because my whole inside's being taken up by your child. So it's pushing all the stomach acid up. Otherwise, I never get it. Have you got that? No, you haven't. You're just a big, fat, greedy pig who eats too fast.

I do eat far too fast. I made pizzas yesterday and I ate them really fast. This is how terrible my diet was. Yesterday morning, I had pancakes with maple syrup and bacon while tweeting out to everyone how much I hated healthy breakfasts. Then I had pizza,

homemade pizza for my lunch and then I had to have Gaviscon to quell the burning sensation of the pizza in preparation for my curry that I was having at night. I know, you told us all about it. Mr. Pig. Mr. Pig.

Please stop doing it. Okay, I'll try. I might just buy me own Gaviscon. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. My beat with you this week is your pregnancy pillow. Oh, don't you dare.

Sick of it. Don't dare. Absolutely sick of it. Our bedroom, it's like a fucking soft play area at the minute with that fucking pregnancy pillow wow fed up it's how ridiculously over the top and ostentatious do you need your pregnancy pillow to be hello it's like another person rosie ramsey nice to meet you i hate you it's like another person in the bed i hate it it so much. It's absolutely massive. Like, guys, like, you've got no idea

how big this pregnancy pillow is. It's a fucking joke. It's huge. Are you taking the piss? It's about seven foot long, right? It's like, you know, like a pool noodle.

It's like a pool noodle on steroids. It's lovely. It's massive. It's about two foot in diameter, right? I don't know what the circumference is

and it's about seven foot long and you're just on it in bed. Just fucking... I've got to be. Like a little fucking sloth. Chris, I've got to be. If I don't, I'll lie on the baby.

Right, okay. Well, you grab an olive and then you sort of move. You're not on your side. I know you're not on your side. You're in the middle of the bed. Then Robert comes in the middle of the night and he's against the pregnancy pillow

and then I'm hanging off the bed and he's just got his fucking elbows in me back. I'm not being funny. I have told you to own the spare bed plenty of times. You're the one still nicking around. The spare bed you made us take down yesterday. Well, you can't go in it now, can you?

Yeah! I'm a tosser! You're a tosser. Listen, we need to carry on because we'll end up having a fight. I can't even look at you after that Gaviscon thing. It's really effective, to be honest. Pregnancy pillow's massive.

Get rid of it. It's huge. It's ridiculous. It's really affected us, to be honest. Pregnancy pillow's massive. Get rid of it. It's huge. It's ridiculous. It's like another person. Let's live in different houses. Let's split up. No, let's just not get a pregnancy pillow that isn't a big fucking flashy look of me pregnancy pillow.

I am not choosing you over my pregnancy pillow. So if you think I am, you've got another thing coming. The one you had back in the day, when you had Robin, it was the perfect size. It was great. And I wanted to upgrade. And there's something wrong with that, is there?

Yeah. Yeah. When it encroaches on my beauty. Oh, shut your face. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. From the public.

That's you. That's you. Guys, as always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shagmariodenoid at gmail.com. I had a proper account. I had a look at all of it do you know there's 25 000 emails there because we've read like we've read like 6 000 of them over the course of the time and there's 20 odd thousand there still so many well 19 000 there sorry still it's it's amazing guys we can't thank you enough for for getting involved and and and sending us all these incredible things. I actually got, you know, last week's episode,

the last, Chloe, who went up to the top bunk to neck on with Steve, she emailed back, I spotted the email saying,

so glad you used my story. Thanks very much. She was buzzing about it. I've never seen that. I've never had a correspondence from someone who's read it. I was over the moon. Her and Steve

together. No, no. I literally think the last time she saw him may have been when she climbed out of that bunker. Well, next time, Chloe. Next time. Got one for you here. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Been listening to your podcast

since lockdown started, so up to about episode 27. Thought I'd share an incident that happened a few years ago. I was walking home from work and got to the traffic lights at South Gosforth in Newcastle. Posh. Brackets just outside the Branding Villa pub.

Posh. I hit the button on the lights and when it turned green, I was ready to cross when a bloody big Range Rover was blocking my path and stopped on the crossing so I couldn't cross. I was fuming and red in the face and was just about to blast the driver. Then I looked up.

Who do you think was sitting in the car, bald as brass, with a big grin on her face? None other than Mrs. Rosie Ramsey. When I realised who it was, my rage turned to a smile. When Rosie apologised by waving, so I waved back and said it was okay and it actually

made my day. I was smiling about this hours later. Did this actually happen? It did but what I did was because you always slag my driving off.

Right. Yeah. So when I read this I was fuming that it was about me so I changed the name to Mrs Rosie Rose. This is actually about me.

Oh my god. You tosser. Yeah This is actually about me. Oh, thank God. You tosser. Yeah, this is actually about me. So you used my car? Your car blocked the traffic lights and they've said here, Rosie, is this a regular thing Chris does, brackets, blocking crossings and lights

or was this a one-off? That's why I was quite surprised. I never do that. You do that all the time oh you little one yeah you thought it was you that did i was gonna be i couldn't keep it up and i was gonna say i haven't been south gosforth for ages sorry jeff sorry jeff he says thanks this is jeff smith he says loves the podcast never stop um i will never stop on across and again jeff thank you very much that's hilarious so glad i got honestly got a bit sweaty then

i was thinking it's not me because i hate that's hilarious so glad I got honestly got a bit sweaty then I was thinking it's not me because I hate that's horrible when people do that you're like that I'm in my own little world

nah you're a tosser there's difference between being in your own little world and then there's being a tosser driver you're a tosser driver alright man

the beef's over man the beef session's over sorry I'm still extremely annoyed god god setting me up like that babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Chris and Rosie my partner and I toss our driver. Oi, man, the beef's over, man. The beef section's over. Well, sorry, I'm still extremely annoyed. God, God. Setting me up like that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

My partner and I have a really dysfunctional set-up in the bedroom. Oh. We currently have... Pray tell. It's not that exciting. We currently have

two long-sized duvets on the bed. I don't know what that means, long-sized. We've talked about this before. There's big ones. So they've got two separate duvets. Yeah, to this his one is a one tog oh chilly what the fuck what's the point mine is a 10.5 tog wow what is this where did the lift i have also i also have

blankets because it's freezing it's double the work on bed change day is it weird or just a great solution to keep me warm and my overheating man comfortable love the podcast hope you're doing great how can two people who live in the same house have such different body temperature one tog versus 10.5 well yeah but they can people do that's madness that's what well what you're saying is madness well do you think people do you think it's part of when you meet someone hello lovely to meet you oh we're getting on so well what a lovely dinner i'd love to take you out again um just just wondering what month of what month do you put your heating on and what is your current body temperature if i could just take your temperature shake your hand

again a bit clammy now a bit clammy are you a hot person because if you are this won't work what's your tog there's nothing more irritating than knocking around with and being

in the same situation as someone who's got a completely different body temperature to you yeah I fucking hate it yeah yeah yeah I hate it so much

what's like when you work in offices yeah and there's always someone who just is always hot and you're like do you ever think

that you just you know could wear less do you know what I mean oh it's hot it's always a bloke always a bloke

yeah oh it's oh sweating in here sweating it's November it's minus three outside Henry how about

you just don't wear that jumper and that shirt and that vest and them socks? It's such a good vest on for. Oh, just here. Honestly, it's always happening.

Whenever I've worked in offices, there's always been some clip. Women are always cold. You're always cold. Women are always cold. It's annoying. I'm on Henry's side here. It's bullshit.

Don't know why I called him Henry. I've never worked anywhere that posh. I know, exactly. But I like him. It's always freezing. You're always freezing. You walk around in a T-shirt sitting put the heating on. that posh. I know, exactly. But I like them. It always freezing. You're always freezing. You walk around in a t-shirt saying put the heating on.

It's ridiculous. I know. I don't even think they did one tog. One tog? What is that, a fucking napkin? What's the... Yeah, you might as well sleep with the tablecloth

on top of you. Tablecloth might even be a bit thicker than that. Maybe just like the duvet cover or maybe a fitted sheet or top sheet. Do you still use a top sheet? You don't use a top sheet.

Chris, we live in the same house. But you don't use a top sheet. What's a top sheet? So sometimes you can have fitted sheet, then sheet, then duvet. Oh no, who's doing that? All my life, my mum had top sheet. What? All my life, top sheet. On your bed or her bed? It'll still be on her bed now. I don't think it's on... Your mum and dad have got a top sheet? Top sheet, yeah. No way. I didn't know this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a hotel bed. What? Sheet then duvet. Gosh, she must hate me. But I think it was because she didn't like washing the duvet covers. Do you think? No, no, not at all. I know, but is she like, my son married this scumbag and they did she doesn't

even put a top sheet on their bed i didn't know they had a top sheet i think it was such i didn't have to wash the because i remember when i was a kid my duvet cover never got washed ever ever ever ever ever because my top sheet was the thing you got washed it stopped your duvet cover having to get washed right okay i've changed my opinion now. That's rank. Why? Because do you think that one sheet is saving your duvet? I don't know. I mean, it got washed, but not as often as what we would wash ours. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, okay. Oh, that's very decadent. A top sheet. Should we try it?

No, it was always tucked in at the bottom. My feet were always... I didn't like it. Oh, she tucked it in as well? Yeah, it was tucked in like a blooming... It's a lot of time she's spending making that bed. A lot of time on her hands. No, it was always tucked in at the bottom. My feet rose. I didn't like it. Oh, she tucked it in as well? Yeah, it was tucked in like a blooming. That's a lot of time she's spending making that in bed. A lot of time on her hands. Wow. Oh, yeah.

That's nice. She only worked part-time. She only worked part-time when I was growing up. It's luxurious. Sandra, let him down. We didn't get top sheet. Do you know what we had when we were little? What?

Sheepskin. Sheepskin? Did you have a sheepskin? No, it's a sheepskin. In the winter, me mum used to put sheepskin on my bed. Right. So it was like, you'd have your sheet, and then you'd have a sheepskin sheepskin did you have a sheepskin no it's a sheepskin in the winter me mam used to put sheepskin on my bed so it was like you'd have your sheet and then you'd have

a sheepskin and it was like a fitted it was sheepskin it was just like really warm and lovely so we used to have that on my bed

is that like the orange thing yes oh the itchy fucking monkey orange thing and the top was always that

shiny bit yes I remember going to people's houses who had them and thinking what's happened what's happened is you rented a house where the mother doesn't like to put the heat down very much or it's very low you go through a lot of socks and jumpers remember

so if you go to any hotel and open the wardrobe right in the top corner of the wardrobe but you're fucking like they're always like what's it orange as well yes yes oh oh don't because I got really excited when my mum would put the sheepskin on I'd be like

sheepskin's on Santa's coming sheepskin's on oh good times love me sheepskin Rosie come on in from school did you have a good day got a surprise for you

what man what is it what is it a bike what is it have we got a new telly have I got a games concert are we going on a holiday Rosie the sheepskin's on

wow fucking yeah all clothes off straight into bed I'm sweating man it's great I'm sweating look man myam. It's great. I'm sweating. Look, ma'am. Sweating my little tits off. Look, my teeth aren't chattering. I can't see my breath. This is amazing. Well, I can see my breath. It's freezing, but ma'am, I'm fucking boiling

from the chin down. Look at this. Oh, I love my sheepskin. I was going to get one for Robin, but... Don't you fucking dare. He's spiral running. Don't you fucking dare. He's got a working radiator in his room. Who's he think he is? Straight off the back of that, on the subject of being hot and cold,

got a really quick would you rather here that came in while I was checking the emails. Okay, lover, would you rather? Really quick, really quick. You ready? Would you rather eat the hottest chilli in the world with no health implications, i.e. you're not going to die from it,

or be freezing cold for 24 hours? Be freezing cold. Really? You wouldn't just get it out, you wouldn't just eat the hottest chilli in the world no I think it would be really horrible

don't like chillies right don't like anything like that so you'd be freezing cold for 24 hours yeah and I'm telling you now I'm making the rules up

no amount of sheepskin can make you warm so by freezing cold right okay you know when you're just uncomfortably cold and you're like oh my god it's so cold

like if you're walking home from the shops and you're freezing you can't wait to get in. You're that cold. For a full day. Like, oh, like almost hurting cold.

Or eat the hottest chili in the world. Now I know the hottest chili in the world can literally like, I'm sure it like puts people in a fucking hospital. Well, yeah, you'd be vomiting and everything. Yeah, you wouldn't go into hospital.

There'd be no long-term health implications. But you're going to have all the effects. It'd be a fucking clip. I'd rather be cold. Really? Well, I once was at a sleepover and it was one of those sleepovers where boys used to come as well.

I think we were about 15, 16. I think they're called orgies, but yeah. No, I definitely wasn't an orgy. Oh, that's awful, I promise you. One of those sleepovers where boys used to come as well. I was never at a sleepover as a kid. We're girls. Because you were extremely uncool, Chris.

I mean, that says more about my childhood than anything else. It really does. I used to go to them all the time. And yeah, I remember one of the lads ate a jar of, like, chilli sauce as a joke. Right. It was funny until he started vomiting and shaking.

Brilliant. And it was really not nice to watch. Brilliant. To the point of, because my mum was a nurse when I was younger, I knew little things that you had to do, so I was always of like my mom's a nurse i'll stop you from vomiting so i had he was vomiting so much but he was like passing out as well because i think he had a few drinks oh my god i had to like grab his tongue out of his mouth because that's what you're meant to do because people when they're so drunk or when they're vomiting whatever they can swallow the

tongue you could just lie them on the side in the recovery position would have probably been a lot a lot better holding on to his tongue like some kind of parlor game i was just really chuffed that i knew what to do so i played it to its full advantage but yeah no no no no no i know what this is i know what this is i know what this is how was the sleep of our last night rosie did you snog that lad well i, I held his tongue. Stroke his tongue for a couple of hours, didn't I? I love that, you know. Does that count as my first kiss? I did lick my fingers afterwards. It's spicy, like.

It was spicy. Glad I didn't scratch myself or rub my eye. Oh, you horror. I always found it funny when we were younger, when it was like, he'll have done that to impress the girls. It's like I'll impress

the girls by doing this eating the chilli sauce highing up and passing out. Great. It did the opposite to be honest. Very funny though. Which parents are

letting sleepovers with 15 year olds happen with girls and boys there? Who's this? When I say sleepover I don't know if they fully slept.

I think they might have just stayed around until late. Nothing happened. My mum and dad did honestly yeah your mum was running the bloody

teenage brothel as well honestly get the names of them now I'm reporting them my mum was very much of the I'd rather know where you are

and what you're doing than being out everywhere and I think I'd be the same I would much rather have Robin and his mates over I know

neither am I but I'd rather have thatin and his mates over i know neither am i but i'd rather have that and be because my mom was in touch with everybody else's moms yeah so all the moms would know where the kids were yeah and whoever wherever they were would keep an eye on them so it just kind of worked like that within the within the school it was everyone who i went to school with yeah it wasn't like strangers and it just And I guess, and then it got to a certain time and it was like, right, okay, off you go. And then it was just,

well, we know where they are and what they're doing rather than hanging around in the cemetery, which was the other alternative. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I had to take all my sheepskins

because it was freezing. Yeah, that's funny. Pointless goal to shut the cemetery down. It's dead in there on a Saturday. Now. Oh, get back to work. I can't wait to get back on stage in 2029 can you remember when you'd go to like sort of someone's free house if the mom and dad were when you were younger and stuff and like yeah like a piling and he like you know one person

be like oh because i remember one lad had um weirdly his dad had you know them sort of uh globes where it's like a wooden globe in the corner and it looks just like the earth but you open it and it's a drink cabinet wow like a prop alan carr had one on the alan carr show yeah yeah yeah so his dad had one of them i remember we're like taking like bits of whiskey we're having like little shots of whiskey and that almost obviously we're underage but you know and can you remember i remember thinking like it was always like wouldn't you not take

many man because my dad like measures it like he knows how much there is that's what they would say people would say they know how much there is and I remember then thinking

yeah that sounds realistic and they would definitely do that right then you get a bit older and you think actually there's no fucking way they would do that that's ridiculous

who which parent would call I would what measure your whiskey I would I'm dreading robin having people around i'm fucking dreading robin having friends around when he's older oh see i don't mind nah see this we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna clash heads we are we're gonna clash

heads you can be like let the beans round and they'll not be beans they'll be like fucking 16 year old lads but the difference is yeah is we've got bigger than me you know we've got a lad currently and he's gonna be a bloke and they're going to stink. I remember my brother and his mates, they all stunk. They're all lovely lads now. They've turned out really lovely group of lads. But I remember when they were younger

and they'd come around and be like, oh, they just stink. Just outside. Do you know, someone once told me, right? Someone told me that when a boy masturbates, when a man masturbates, right? Man or boy? I think maybe a teenager.

Okay. When you masturbate, it creates a smell, a really strong smell that everyone else apart from you can smell. And I don't know if that is actual boy smell or if that was just like a wind up. No, I think that would be what the boy smell is yeah because that was that thing of them like for months i was like well i kind of never

want because obviously my whole house just fucking stinks but it's a smell do you know what i mean that's what it was like yeah it was like there's a yeah it's like it's secrete the word secrete was used it was like it's a smell that everyone else can smell really strongly but the person who did can't i was like is that a wind-up because that's fucking genius well that that would make a lot of sense yeah because i remember when my that's fucking genius. Well, that would make a lot of sense. Because I remember when my brother's door was ever left open, I would add one and vomit walking in the house. What did it smell like?

It just reeked. It wasn't really messy. Oh God, it sounds terrible because my brother's absolutely lush and he doesn't smell the same now. But I just remember being like that room stinks i mean mom never said anything oh she was in on it might be in sheepskin might be in his sheepskin i think it was just no because then all his mates would come around they're all to stink but then i but i remember just wanking non-stop but no i remember being younger

and for some reason when i when i was younger I would go around to like the lads who I knew and me and me friends it'd be like say three of us and there'd be like three lads we'd go around

to the lads house and they'd just be playing on FIFA or something and we'd be sat there and I remember sitting there going it stinks in here

see I don't think I don't think no you wouldn't have smelt I don't think I did no you wouldn't have I really I'm glad you agree

with me on this because I would have argued to the death I don't think I did I was very clean see you wouldn't have smelt. I don't think I did. No, you wouldn't have. I'm glad you agree with me on this, because I would have argued to the death. I don't think I did. I was very clean. See, you wouldn't have smelt, but I don't think you would have had girls around your room. So maybe... That was the...

Maybe I just like the smell of yours. That was the irony of the whole thing. Bloody immaculate. Didn't smell at all. Not a lady in sight. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. I was once caught short in a local supermarket, so raced to their toilets ASAP.

Sorry Chris, it's not always possible to plan my poos. Upon finishing, I was horrified to discover that there was no toilet paper in either my cubicle or any other. I rummaged round my bag desperately searching for a piece of tissue, possibly an old chocolate wrapper. Which is fucking awful, by the way.

Are we talking about a wee or a two? We're talking about, I think we're talking about twos here. With an old chocolate wrapper? Yeah, yeah, because she said plan my poos, yeah. Chocolate wrapper, ridiculous. I can't believe she even said that. Slippy is out. Gets worse.

However, the only thing that I could possibly... However, the only thing that I could possibly however the only thing that I thought could possibly be feasible as a wiping device was in fact do you want to hazard a guess erm

you'll never get it a receipt no that would have been much better than what you used oh my word I don't know tell us oh no not a mask

a mask no this might have been before then. Mask would have been amazing. Perfect. Mask would have worked. Mask would have been perfect, yeah. Dunno. A tea bag.

Oh. A tea bag. That's gross. Isn't that just the worst? Why? Oh my word. Yes, I wiped my bum with a single tea bag, which, by the way, did not flush.

It probably didn't. It probably floated around there, and the next person who came, it probably brewed. Oh, no. Was it the summer? Why didn't... Why did they put down the toilet?

Because she had to. It was in the toilet. Is this a lady? It is. Furthermore, I have recently become a mother uh huh and while at the seaside I had to fish a massive bogey

out of my baby's nose with the only utensil I had at hand which was in this instance do you fancy a hazard and a guess? right getting a snot

out of a baby's nose baby's noses are quite small um I mean I'm very impressed she's almost like the bear grills of day-to-day sort of weird cleanliness issues but this is this blew me right a little bit just i know this is a little bit off topic have i talked about this on here someone will let me know anyway have i ever told you about my friend who I went out with and we both had children the same age,

about one. Her child had a little bit of a runny nose. Right. So my friend sucked, said runny nose out of her child's nose. You've never told me this. She just put her mouth on her child's nose and sucked the snots out.

Yes. And we wonder why there's a pandemic. That's fucking revolting. That is revolting. She says she does it all the time. That is the worst. That is the worst. True story.

All I can think about there is, you know when you blow your child's nose? Sometimes I blow Robin's nose, right? And I go, go on, blow some, blow. And I is, you know when you blow your child's nose? Sometimes I blow Robin's nose, right? And I go, go on, blow some blow. And I like, you know when you nip it? You go like, da-da-da-da-da-da. And you sort of like, nip-nip-nip-nip-nip-nip-nip-nip. She could kind of do that with her mouth. It would be like, go on then, blow.

Nng-ng-ng-ng-ng-ng-ng-ng. Yeah, have you ever tried to get a kid to blow the nose, though? Well, one year old's called. Come on. Robin's like... He's good now. Blow. Superman blows would do. Superman blows. Yeah, now he's five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,old's called. Come on. Robin's like... He's good now. Superman blows would do.

Superman blows. Yeah, now he's five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he's only five yet. Five yet. Wishing his bloody life away. What utensil did she use? She got a bogey out of her baby's nose.

It wasn't with her own mouth. It was a utensil. In this instance, it was... Sunglasses arm. That's a good guess, but it wasn't that. Right. What was it? My car key.

Ew. So bad. Aw. That's so bad the poor baby are you sticking a key up their nose for and the wonder why there's a pandemic so my question you both is have you ever had to fashion a tool out of something random in your bag slash pocket while out and about it's not very exciting but because i have sweeteners in my coffee somebody goes to get me coffee take away coffee and they forget to get a stirrer i've used a lot of things out my bag to stir my coffee oh loads pens like sunglass arms keys i've used them i've used loads of things to stir mine i know i recently was going i went to park with robin on my bikes and then i was going

to the supermarket on the way back and i'd forgot a mask because i didn't know i recently was going i went to park with robin on my bikes and then i was going to the supermarket on the way back and i'd forgot a mask because i didn't know i was going to the shop and so i took robin's hoodie off right uh folded it over and tied his hoodie around me wow nice yeah no one's had a thing it's great i think i had a mask as well it's like four we're talking four bits of cotton here oh yeah nothing's getting through that bad lad. Big time. I was out of breath. So as everyone who listens to this should know, our book is currently out

and we've got a story in the book about how Robin lost his two front teeth. Yes. Now someone has read the book and is sent in a story

of how their kid lost their two front teeth. Oh. This blew my mind when I read it is it worse than robin's i yeah i've been so excited to tell you this when i read it that i i told your mom it yesterday right like i was so excited because i knew i knew i couldn't tell you before okay come on then hi rosie and chris love the podcast and i have recently listened to the audiobook of your new book thank you very much haven't listened to the audio book of your new book thank you very

much have a listen to the retelling of how robin lost his teeth i thought it was only right to share with you how our son lost his teeth just before his fourth birthday right okay so it's not at teeth losing stage yet no right our son has an older sister who was going through the losing teeth and the tooth fairy excitement at the time. Never to be one to miss out, he decided that he wanted to have something under his pillow for the tooth fairy to find. He's a very clever boy, but

at the same time, and this comes from years of experience, when it comes to thinking about consequences, he can be so very, very stupid. Oh, don't now listen listen right we've talked

about trigger warnings and stuff on here before and my sort of feeling of the trigger warning thing is that like I don't

think you should walk around expecting to be never confronted by anything that upsets you in life I think totally

I totally agree however I'm gonna fucking warn you this is rotten this is this is this right my legs went numb because stuff like this makes me the poo sick all that kind of stuff i could listen to while i was eating dinner see same stuff about bones and yeah yeah yeah so just honestly guys like yeah i was busy in the kitchen making tea whilst my kids were sat at the table

colouring and doing homework my son got up to go to the toilet which was in the room next door the next thing I know I hear a massive crash followed by crying I run to the bathroom to see him on the floor with a lot of blood everywhere the blood was all coming

from his mouth and I thought he had fallen over and smashed his lip as I sat on the toilet cuddling him I spotted a tooth on the floor The blood was all coming from his mouth and I thought he had fallen over and smashed his lip. As I sat on the toilet cuddling him, I spotted a tooth on the floor and then another little tooth next to it. In his enthusiasm to have an offering to put under his pillow, he had decided,

and this is what he did, right? She says later on, right? The way it's written, she said later on that for weeks he was going, are these, are my teeth, are the wobbly, ma'am, are the wobbly? And they weren't wobbly at all, but she said that later on right the way it's written she said later on that for weeks he was going are these are these are my teeth are the wobbly ma'am are the wobbly

and they weren't wobbly at all but she said that later on but I want to just finish on what actually happened she said that later on right oh no oh my gosh

he had decided to stand on the toilet seat slip the so she is from she's from Norway she's Norwegian right and she'd never seen a British pull cord light switch before right you know the pull cord Slip the... So she is from Norway. She's Norwegian, right?

And she'd never seen a British pull cord light switch before. Right. You know the pull cord light switch with the plastic thing on the end? Yes. Stand on the toilet seat, slip the British light switch cord in between his two front teeth. Oh, no.

And jumped off the toilet. No, I didn't! Oh, no! No, why? off the toilet no I didn't oh no no why isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard

why did you do it they're not even real isn't that oh why the worst thing that's horrible so he had a gap in his front teeth

oh poor little bugger and he just put it in and he just jumped off the toilet seat and just oh I warned you I warned. I warned you.

I warned you. I warned you. Kids are fucking lunatics. Aren't they? Do you know what? Kids are lunatics. I'm saying that. I don't even judge them parents or nothing

because Robin would do something like that. Unbelievable, isn't it? He absolutely would. Unbelievable. Poor little Ben after a trip to A&E and an emergency dentist appointment later he spent a few years without any front teeth

but new ones came back eventually there we go good luck on the pregnancy which I feel is a bit of a dig why do you feel it's a bit of a dig it's just like good luck dickheads yeah you got two of them now have you so what the

what she's trying to say there because Robin's got no teeth yeah our next child is going to want to emulate the brother no and be like

he's got no teeth and then we're going to we're going to catch our kid I'm never getting one of them cords we've got one upstairs yeah it's not near the toilet though

we'll be alright I'm never getting one of them cords but it's not near the toilet though. We'll be alright. I've never got water in my car but it's not near the toilet. Horrible that bike. Honestly, unbelievable that now. Aren't they stupid?

Kids. Aye. Yeah, maniacs. Absolute maniacs. I've talked to the skateboard part of the day man. He's got no fear.

He knocked his teeth out on his bike. He's got no, he doesn't, it's like it never happened. No, Robin, oh God,

he's not, he's not scared about nothing. Not scared of a thing. No. Ridiculous. Got it all to come again. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab once again we've come to the end

of this week's podcast which is now part of the Acast Creator Network guys it is indeed thank you so so much for listening please continue to like rate and subscribe

and if you want to get in touch at sharkmaridanoid at gmail.com and we will be all up in your ears next week genuinely from the bottom of our hearts thank you, thank you, thank you

love you guys, bye Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director

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