Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 85. Mark of Zorro

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

On the podcast this week things get a little sexy with some fruity QFTP's. The beef's are as animated as ever with Rosie's being particularly straight to the point! There is some covid romance chat, some dogging discussion and a would you rather that involves breaking wind. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Mr Motivator. No, sorry, he's not.

It's Chris Ramsey. She is so jealous that I am now. Bike guy and indoor bike guy. Just really disgusted at how fit you've become. And I don't feel like this is the man that I married. I did not want a marriage where somebody was really, really fit and health-orientated. Didn't want that. I'm not enjoying it. I am not health-orientated. Didn't want that.

I'm not enjoying it. I am not health-orientated in the slightest. I did an hour on the exercise bike today, sweated like a beast, came in and had a bacon sandwich and egg. What else did I put in that bacon sandwich? Ask us. Butter.

Slice of cheese, right? So don't you talk to me about health, right? I go on the bike for an hour so I can have a bacon sandwich with egg and cheese in, like some kind of animal. I know, but I just don't think your timing is well off. Well,

because you're pregnant. Because I'm pregnant and I've put on a stone. Right. Because I'm pregnant. It's the baby. The baby's like not even two pounds yet.

your last baby was a stone. Fucking just done though, wasn't he? Mr. Heifer. Fair enough. The rugby player. But still, I find it very insensitive.

But I don't want to, listen, let's not have this before we've even started maybe I want to be fit and healthy for my family maybe I want a

protector why do you think we've got a punch bag in the front garden I don't even use it it's just there so people go better not burgle that

he looks hard that's going to kill one of our kids that is yeah it's probably going to fall off that tree but people go past and go let's burgle that

hold on clearly some kind of professional boxer lives there. Oh, hold on. Clearly some sort of nutter lives here. Who's decided to put his punch bag in his front garden. Who's his wife? Who's letting him do that?

The thing is, it must have looked quite impressive at first, but now it's literally just covered in like fallout from the tree and bird shit. You've used it three times. Yeah, but they don't fucking know that complete waste of money they go Ivan Drago lives there

you know in the shed as well I've just got a bluetooth speaker that's just constantly playing the Rocky theme as well so they can just hear it

Muhammad Ali did get married in South Shields he got his vows renewed very common misconception he got his vows renewed at the mosque in Lager same thing well yeah just let yourself down on Shields knowledge there mysteries mysteries guys got his vows renewed. Very common misconception there. He got his vows renewed at the mosque in Lagerd. Same thing. Well, yeah.

Just let yourself down on Sheil's knowledge there. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Guys, we've dove in headfirst. We haven't even started yet. It's episode 85. Thank you so much for being with us.

If you're just joining us, welcome. You've got a fucking twat load of a back cut a lot to get yourself through. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all of that jazz.

We really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it's time to pay those bills! This week's sponsor. Brings nothing to this home. Lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is people who sit far too close to the steering wheel while driving. I hear them.

Hey! Hey, you getting into your car? You pull that seat right forward there. You get your fucking chin right over the top of that steering wheel and get your little squirrel, don't you? You look like a little squirrel looking over your thing. Why do you need to see the floor in front of your fucking car? Look into the distance.

Your peripheral vision will pick up the foreground. You look fucking mental. It's actually more dangerous. It's so fucking dangerous. And not just that when I see someone driving like that I need to get away

from them immediately because I'm like you are just shit in your pants you shouldn't be in a car right it's craziness just sitting right over there

we'll go what are your legs your legs must be getting cramped up what are you doing like you need to have your arm a slight bend in the elbow

slight bend in the elbow is what you need I agree because guess what if you crash head on that steering wheel is going to take

your fucking nut off. Do you know what always disappoints us about this? It's usually always a woman. Really? I saw a couple of girls have some old men

doing it, yeah. Oh, I see. No, it's always a woman and I just go, white love. So you can say that. Like the seat's upright. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Literally upright and they're eating the steering wheel. It looks like it's a three door and they let someone in but then forgot to click that seat back. Yes, and they're eating the steering wheel looks like it's a three door and they let someone in but then forgot to click their seat back yes

and they're still bent over while someone's climbing over the back of them it's just never never good and I always just think you are

so uncomfortable isn't it interesting how you can say it's always a woman but I would never be able to say that yeah that's why I said it

yeah because I've got a vagina no you didn't tell us to say it because I've got a vagina and He has a five of a seven. No, he didn't tell us to say it. Because I've got a vagina and we can, you know, slag off our own. But don't you, don't you dare.

I've never seen a woman do it. Don't even try to dare slag off anyone with a vagina. My vagina crew. Sitting in front of your steering wheel. If you have a head-on collision, the engine will crush your legs like a fucking accordion. Stop it. They're probably not going that far, to be fair crush your legs like a fucking accordion. Stop it. They're probably not going that far, to be fair.

I don't know why they're sponsoring the podcast. I mean, I've slagged them off. We'll probably not get the money for that. I don't think there's any money to be made from that. Who knows? There's more of that kind of attitude. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmardanoid, 85 in. 85.

Can't believe that, like, that's crazy. And I am, as the series goes on and as the world tumbles further and further into all these lockdowns and all this stuff, I'm finding we could really get away with calling the podcast just Annoyed now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're still married. Welcome to Annoyed. Yeah, yeah. We haven't shagged for a while.

Nah, well, you've got a bloody bun in the oven. Pregnancy does that to you. Freaks us out. A lot of people get horny at you in pregnancy. Not you. Not you. No, you get tired and angry and you seem to have some kind of trump card

for basically everything. I was going to make it a sponsor, actually. It's literally going to be this week's sponsor, Being Pregnant. Hey, want to be an arsehole and get away with it? Be pregnant. Wow, yeah. Want everyone tohole and get away with it? Be pregnant. Wow. Want everyone to go and get stuff for you? Be pregnant. Want to clamp your vagina shut to your other half?

Be pregnant. Works like a charm. Just makes you tired, doesn't it? It might be something to do with the fact that you make giant babies. It doesn't just make me tired, Chris. Pregnancy makes every person who wants to be pregnant. It does make me tired as well. It does. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Like sort of osmosis it makes me tired as well it does it does make me tired as well it does i'm getting it i'm getting it like sort of um like uh osmosis i feel tired as well you've

had you've had everything through osmosis like this morning though when the bans toothbrush was upstairs and the toothpaste yeah and you were like um oh i went oh it's toothpaste up there i was like can you run up and go get it and you were like oh can you not go get it i was like like i am six months pregnant i'm not trying to use it as an excuse but you are not currently six months pregnant so you could run up the stairs a lot faster than what i could and currently the baby is on my sciatic nerve and i'm in a little bit of pain but you just keep forgetting don't put your hand up to it you keep forgetting that i'm pregnant it's's not fair. We are pregnant. We are not pregnant.

I am pregnant and you are just carrying on like nothing's happened. Anyway. Oh, well, you know, your back might be hurting, you know, and your feet might be hurting. But you know what's hurting, Rosie? My ears are hurting. Oh, good. Listening to you bang on. Yeah.

Didn't you get a message of someone saying oh you're pregnant you've never mentioned it didn't someone troll you that was a while ago and that was a troll why are you sticking up for trolls that was me that was just one of my accounts one of my many troll accounts that i just like to have a go at you with great gaslighting you through many troll through all of the the horrible few famous people as well few famous people like you think you're friends with it's just me on another account. Giovanna Fletcher, not even a real person. It's just me. Can you imagine that?

All them texts that I've had on YouTube just from you. It'd be like split. You would just realise that all these people were just me. That happens a lot on Instagram. I was thinking about this the other day. Did I say this to you? Loads of cool places always start following us, and i'm like oh wow like that i can't think of anything off the top of my head but just cool like brands and big like big things start following

us and i'm like why they've started following me and then they just disappear off the face of the earth yeah well they'll probably follow you for five minutes and go oh look oh she's she's like a mummy instagrammer oh fantastic she'd be great for our brand. Then they say you're fucking swearing your head off, dancing around. Oh, no, she's a scumbag. Screaming and that. And they go, oh, no, yes, yes, no. She is not, no, no, she is not what we're looking for. She's absolutely not

our demographic at all. It's so true. It's so, so true. We are not currently looking to fill the Geordie Fishwife demographic. And they go and get a yummy mummy yeah then disappear it's so it's happened all the time but you know what i can't change even if i don't know that song great awesome awesome there we go i mean that just proved the fucking point it's not even just the fact that you're a scumbag.

It's also the lack of professionalism in everything that you do. You didn't even know the words to the song. I love my lack of professionalism. Do you know why? Imagine this was a job interview. So what are your strengths? I love my lack of professionalism. I do because then I never feel let down professionally. Because I never try that hard.

No, because I think when you try really hard and you're really ambitious and you're like, come on, and then when you get knocked back, when you get knockbacks, you get really gutted and I think it really must affect you. Whereas I don't try that hard and lovely things happen and I go, shit. You're like a constant competition winner,

aren't you? Yeah, Even if you've earned something, you're like, eee, like the book, we worked really, really hard on the book and it got Sunday Times

the one bestseller and we literally, I mean me as well, but you more, you couldn't believe it. It was like, what, what,

eee, and I'm like, you fucking, you know, you grafted your tits off, like we're both dead. You've got to give yourself a bit of credit now.

Well, okay, fair enough. That's the one off. I think everything else is just, you're like this, look this look at this is a fucking fluke this is i mean guys just to let you behind the curtain here i mean figuratively and literally we've actually had to close the curtains in the room we're in because the window cleaner's still here and we didn't want them to see we're doing that i mean what a fucking shambolic setup for one of the

biggest podcasts in the uk it's ridiculous but i'm very glad he's here because our windows are monkey yeah you fucking i wish you would do the insides as well the amount of time robin just for one of the biggest podcasts in the UK. It's ridiculous. But I'm very glad he's here because our windows are monkey. Yeah, I wish he would do the insides as well. The amount of time Robin just eats something sticky and goes and finger paints the fucking window. Oh, excuse me? What? I do clean the inside windows,

but have you not seen what he started doing? No. Well, because we're in a current lockdown and if I'm doing it on a weekend or whatever, I clean the windows and he comes over for a laugh, licks his hand and then sticks them on the window again

What, did you clean again then? You've already explained that you're there with the cleaning product, haven't you? But he thinks it's funny. Hey, there's no wonder these Instagram accounts follow you and then unfollow you You don't fucking, honestly you don't commit to anything There's been no window cleaning products followed us as yet

Well, hey, there might now. You never know Your windows are scruffy classic little uh guys you've got a classic little video coming up there she'll clean the inside robin will go and lick it you know we're gonna escalate it we'll do like an after 9 p.m one where you just throw some shit at it like it'll be great i can hear that i can hear the money rolling in hashtag something that i think you and our listeners will enjoy. Yeah. My Nana, I've spoken about her a couple of times, my Nana Bridget.

She's currently listening to the podcast. She's catching up. She's Sandra's mum. This is Sandra's mum. Sandra's mum. Yeah. So that's me Nana, my little Nana Bridget. She got a new bureau yesterday from me uncle. So me uncle's doing out.

What in the name of God is a bureau? It's like an organising, like a bureau. Oh, yeah, just keep saying that name. Keep saying the word, I don't know. Oh, wait, well, it's like a chest of drawers, but then it's got the little slanty bit on the top that can turn into a desk. Oh, fuck.

I mean, why she's took that, I don't know, because she doesn't... I've never seen one of them for years. Well, she's got one of them off my uncle because he's doing out his spare room and then she can't see things go to waste. So Bridget's got it. Was it fully sanitised before it was taken to her house?

Because I might have to phone the police. Who knows? Maybe she likes to live on the edge. Maybe she didn't. I can't say for sure. Anyway, so she's got this new bureau. And she's been organising it all because she loves just organising stuff and that. So she's been getting all our little filing stuff

and in the sections, right? So she sent on the group, on the family WhatsApp, she sent a picture, like sorted it out and all this and I noticed on the picture,

so she sorted out her filing cabinet into sections, right? Can I just say, I love, I love, I just love what she's doing. This is exactly

the kind of stuff I do. Do you know when I'm away, the desk in the room, whatever hotel room I'm in, everything's perpendicular and sorted and perfect. I love this. I need to see a photo of this afterwards i love sorting stuff out yeah well so does she obviously you get on very well um so she's got three sections in one in one bit of a filing cabinet right three dockets three dockets yeah so she's

got everything from like birth certificate from when she was born and like all of her kids and that and whatever like my mom and everyone and then she's certificate from when she was born and all of her kids and that and whatever, like me mum and everyone. And then she's got from when she was married. Yeah. And then she's got our will and stuff. Okay. So it's like three different sections. No, she's called them.

What? She's called these sections. Hatched, matched and dispatched. Fucking fantastic. I had to ring her because I was like, Nana, what does hatched, matched and dispatched mean? She was like, well, hatched when I was born, matched when I married your grandad

and dispatched when I'm dead. That is wonderful. Would it be rude if I asked her if she could leave me this bureau in her will because it sounds like the kind of thing I'd be well up for

she would probably leave it to you unless somebody else has got it she's got four kids she's got like twenty how many years

have we had grandkids twenty five grandkids or something slag and three grandkids I'm sorry I'm so sorry wow

wow she did not birth them all herself I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Wow. She did not birth them all herself. Sorry. That was uncalled for. Sorry, Bridge, if you're listening, but it had to be said. She'll ring you now. Oh, God. Well, she texted you the other day.

I told you, didn't I? Oh, no, she rang us when watching the telly the other night because she's been on my Instagram. She's got Instagram, but she looks like a troll because she doesn't post anything and she never says out she just randomly just stalks all of the kids and that and um she rang us and she was like rosie there's a woman she's commented on one of your pictures asking people to look at her bum again one of my accounts very annoyed and she was like

and I went on her profile and she's got a video of her and the bitch is having sex on the video she was like do you know her do I know her no I don't know her I know I had to tell her that she was like

a bot and then I had to explain what bots were. Oh, God. It was a much longer conversation than what I thought it would be. Sorry, I remember this. We were watching The Boys. Is that when you left the room when I was watching The Boys

and I literally sat with it on pause for about 40 fucking minutes? That was that conversation I'm guessing? Yes. Great, great. Yes, just letting her know what trolls were and what... Glad that happened.

And just letting her know that those accounts... A fucking open university phone call. Yeah. Porn accounts. I don't know the person personally, unfortunately. He's sitting opposite you. It's one of me bots. So yesterday, whilst we were chatting to Robin,

because I tried to get everything out of him at the minute about school, but he's never that forthcoming. God, he's like... He just doesn't want to tell what he's got the worst memory ever I think it's a bit

of both but it was funny because I think he was talking he always tells me about the kids who have been getting wrong

and I mean I don't know whether he could be getting wrong and we don't know because I don't know if he'd tell it but he does

do parents even sorry to interrupt do they do parents even in a reception well yeah but maybe he's not at the minute right but they're going to tell her they would parents even in a reception? Well, yeah, but maybe he's not at the minute.

Right, but they're going to tell her. They would tell her, wouldn't they? I think they'd tell her, yeah. So he was saying, he was chatting about that, and I said to him, I was like, well, I was like, you just don't keep your nose clean, I was going to say. I didn't say that, like he's in prison. He wouldn't get that. If you said, Robin, keep your nose clean, he would go and clean his nose. He'd go, Mammy, I washed my nose today, aren't I good? He'd be like, oh, yes. can get that if you said robin keep your nose clean he would go and clean his nose you go mommy

i washed my nose today aren't i good you'd be like oh yes no i said to him i said well you don't want to get wrong at school because it's not very nice getting wrong with the teachers it's not it's not nice at all it's embarrassing and you'll you'll feel really awful and then i said to you i went daddy did you ever get wrong at school and you i remember this. You looked up at me and you went, I don't know, did I? Yeah, I didn't know what the answer was.

It was like something out of a sitcom. I didn't know what the answer was. Yeah, I didn't know what lesson we were trying to teach him. I didn't understand.

So you were like, you don't want to get, yeah, I do remember that. I was on, I'm pointing at the floor where I was. I was on the floor. I was making a track

with the Hot Wheels cars. And yeah, and you went, did you ever get told off? And I looked at that. I was on, I'm pointing at the floor where I was. I was on the floor. I was making a track with the Hot Wheels cars and yeah, and you went, did you ever get told off? And I looked at you and I went, did I get told off? And you were like, no, you didn't.

And I was like, no, I didn't. I never got told off. That's so funny. I got told off loads but I don't know what the fucking rules are. You've got a new rule

about what we'll have to do every single day. I'm making it up as I go along, Chris. So would it not be good to go, yeah, I did get told off and it was terrible and it was awful and it ruined my life go along, Chris. So would it not be good to go, yeah, I did get told off and it was terrible

and it was awful and it ruined my life? No, I mean, why? Why are you so dramatic? No, I think it's better to just go, no, I never got told off.

Right, okay. Because then if you go, oh, yes, I got told off. Then if he gets told off, he'll go, well, my daddy got told off. Right, okay. So, God, think, Chris.

Come on. Think. Yeah, that's what I was leaning at. But that's why I didn't say straight away, yeah, I got told off all the Chris come on think that's what I was leaning at but that's why I didn't say straight away yeah I got told off all the time

I was constantly moved into the corridor on my own very funny that you had to ask did I get told off it was talking

I just constantly got told off for talking yeah me too big shout out to all the teachers out there what's my job now

bitches talking not teachers in general my teachers my job now bitches talking talking not teachers in general my teachers who absolutely one million percent do not listen to this do you not think oh god no imagine that my english teacher still hasn't been in touch mine did mine got in touch oh yeah they did didn't they got in touch via another pupil on instagram saying they're more proud of us oh that's good oh that's good that's nice yeah just really quickly here,

just want to give a shout out to the company that keeps messaging us, asking if we'll do an advert for them for a blackhead vacuum. Stop it. It's offensive and it's upsetting. This was the email that we keep getting. Hello, we think you would be a good candidate to promote our website.

We are selling blackhead vacuum, not ear black, just we are selling blackhead vacuum. this was the email that we keep getting. Hello, we think you would be a good candidate to promote our website. We are selling blackhead vacuum, not ear black, just we are selling blackhead vacuum. To take out like blackheads, like pimples, like... Yeah. So they're basically saying you've got a fuckload of blackheads.

Well, it sounds like it. And then, so we haven't replied. Hello, we sent you an email about a paid collaboration a few days ago, but unfortunately we didn't get an answer insert company name here because I'm not going to give them a shout out

sincerely wants to work with you this would be a great opportunity for your brand our marketing offer ends soon we want to establish this collaboration as soon as possible

for the blackhead vacuum blackhead vacuum nice we're alright though thank you wow yeah thanks for that but I mean

how many times I'm obsessed with having a blackhead or an ingrown hair aren't every five seconds i'm saying you is that a blackhead on my back or my face or something yeah and then on the on the rare occasion i've got one you're all over it do you want me to get back in touch with them no but you know there is an example of a company that knows your level yeah well i mean what i didn't like about it was that the offer ends very soon so all the good so obviously our blackheads aren't good enough for them.

Listen, the offer is now. And if you don't take it now, then we'll find somebody else with blackheads. Act now while your paws are suitably clogged. Well, coming up to winter, it's going to get cold. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. This is Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Couldn't believe that he got it wrong last week.

He and Neville. This is such a good game. Ha ha! They should commission this, this, this. Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Extremely informative Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Never wrong, never wrong, never wrong. Now, having been subjected to this for some weeks now,

I am noticing that, you know, yeah, like sort of mysteries, mysteries, mysteries that you say. You know, that's supposed to be an echo, but you say it the same level, if not louder, each time. Oh. Do you know what I mean? I will take that. If it was done properly, it would have been

Rosie's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Okay, all right then. But you go, Rosie's Mysteries. It's just you repeating the word mysteries. I want it to be able to hear it, to come across. All right? Okay. You done now?

Yeah, I am. Slagging it off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Got a good one here. Go on then. Okay. I'll be the judge of that, but come on.

We'll see. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. I've held onto this story for a while debating whether or not to send it in but now i think it would fit in with the new format for rosie's mysteries mysteries my partner's colleague was in the navy 20 plus years ago and told the office this story about one of his trips to shore oh god i love that to shore i once worked somewhere gigged somewhere at a holiday camp.

Yeah. And I think it was down, I think it was like Portsmouth or something. Is that where people from the Navy go? No, like, is that where the dock? Is that a docking? Yes. Right. Yes.

I can't be arsed to get into this, but yes. Okay, well, we were there, and I kid you not, right? We went clubbing after a gig. There was men in, like, Navy things out, and I felt like I was in some sort of 1940s bloody war movie. Right, they were all dressed in the gear. They were all dressed in the Navy gear, and I was just like... Are you sure it wasn't a stag do?

No, because I asked, and they said, oh, we're all portier? Are you sure that's not what they would just say if they were trying to look like they were on the pole and they were a stag do? Okay, right. Gerard was once, one new year,

really, really pissed in a pub in Shields and some guy who had really curly, long, cool-like surfer hair and I was touching his hair and he was telling us about all this different music

that he liked, all these indie bands and stuff and I was so pissed I didn't realise it was a wig for so long. No, why? That's weird. I was just mortal i was just

like i was like yeah it's class and he was like oh and he just started telling us about indie bands and that i think i like the monkeys at the time and i was like tell him about indie bands and stuff and then he just whipped the wig off later he didn't even like all that he was just bullshitting us i didn't even realize it's so strange strange isn't it so we've both been done by people well you might not have been done i'm just pretending to be something that you might not have been done but i'm just i've told you they're my past experience and i've you know i have been fooled in the past and that's why i've got my guard up oh well now i feel like i might have been you never know please keep me anonymous a few of the others from the office listen to the

podcast got an office have you shown off during these times. Oh, yeah, look at you. The ship docked at a port for the night, so he headed for a local bar where he met a woman. Could have been me. Might have been you. Might have been. You never know. Good. After a night of chatting, they headed down to the beach

where they lay down and started kissing slash fooling around. So it is a seaside town. And this is... Of course it's a fucking seaside town. And this is... I did gig at the seaside town. Of course it's a fucking seaside town. Because of the sea. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I love you. I love you so much.

That's hilarious. So what we'll do is we'll dock in Liverpool and then we'll jump on the train for three hours to Leicester for no fucking reason at all. Anyway. Anyway. So.

A little face when you realise they've come to the beach. I'm tired. So they headed down to the beach and they were kissing slash fooling around. After a while she asked what he was doing. He replied,

why do you like it? She said she wasn't sure and asked again what he was doing he replied why do you like it she said she wasn't sure and asked again what it was he was doing what was he doing oh so to her yes so he's doing something and just like what is it oh they're on the beach kissing slash fooling around and And she's like, what are you doing? He's like, do you like it? She's like, I don't know. What is it? So it can't be like nibbling the ear or something because she would know that. Yeah, you'd know that.

Yeah. So it's got to be something to her. But if it's something to her, surely she would feel it if he was just grabbing her or doing something to her body. She is feeling it right so it just doesn't really know what it is right okay so the thing i'm putting together here is it's on the beach so it's got to have something to do with either seaweed or a stone or some sand okay possibly a stone is he rubbing a smooth pebble on her or something weird is that what you're going

for i don't know i mean what i immediately want to go for was he like bending her knee back and shagging the gap in a knee or something. I don't know. That's weird. I'm going to go with something. He's doing something to her with a stone or something. Oh, right. Okay.

He's basically, he's using beach paraphernalia is my, that he's just found. Right. Okay. Okay. Oh, wow. Right. Okay. Let's see. He explained that he was picking up little pebbles from the beach and inserting them up her bum.

Yes! Come on! Well done, you dirty little bastard. I'm sorry. I've never... I've got such mixed emotions because I'm so

glad I got it right but I'm so sad that I guessed that I know what is this podcast didn't you

needless to say she was not happy and left immediately can you imagine that honestly I'm very glad

that I did not go home with any of them navy boys now after hearing this oh just god oh Jesus oh my god I've just found that I did not go home with any of them navy boys now. After hearing this. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. I've just found these and I really like them,

but I haven't got any pockets. Will you just keep them for us? Pop, pop, pop. Little souvenir from one night together. Oh, my God, that is terrible. You cracked the mystery, though. I did crack the mystery. Mystery?

Honestly, I can't speak. I'm so excited. God, and she got up so angry, farted and got a seven skimmer. I did crack the mispronunciation. Mispronunciation? Honestly, I can't speak. I'm so excited. God. And she got up so angry, farted and got a seven skimmer. World record skimmer. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello, Chris. Oh, shit.

Hello. Hello. It's Belinda. Belinda, sorry. You're all right. Sorry, love. Yes, shit. Hello. Hello. It's Belinda Pitt. Belinda, you all right? Sorry, love, yes. How are you? Well, I'm not doing great, Chris.

I'm not going to lie. I can see you're still smoking, even though there's a respiratory virus. Oh, Chris, I'm past caring. I'm past caring, love. Okay. I'm actually smoking more, to be honest. Do you know what I mean?

Stick it to the mass. Stick it to the mass. I don't know. Man. Anyway, stick it to the man. Yeah, them fuck mass. I don't know. Anyway, stick it to the man. Yeah, them fuckers. Even your characters don't know sayings. It's funny, isn't it? So, we're on a lockdown, local lockdown.

You'll be on it as well, because we just live up the street from each other. Do it, yes, okay. Yeah, but there's a lot of stuff going on at the minute, Chris. I'm basically just ringing because obviously we're think alike and I care about you. I just didn't know whether you know the things that I know

from the people who I know. I know a lot of people. I hear a lot of things on the streets, Chris, and I just want you to be up to date with what I know. Yep. Yeah. Come on then. So to date with what I know. Yep. Yeah. Come on then. So I've heard recently

Boris Johnson, yes, him and Donald Trump, they're actually brothers. I don't know if you know that, but they are. You'll never guess who the mom is.

Right. Who? It's only Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. I've actually, I have actually heard that conspiracy theory she is actually a lizard in disguise

yeah and she's birthed them both and finally the dreams are coming true right and I don't know whether you know about all of this coronavirus

stuff at the minute right but there's the number six does that mean anything to you during this whole pandemic well rule of six is something I'm looking forward to hopefully having back yeah There's the number six. Does that mean anything to you during this whole pandemic? Well, rule of six is something I'm looking forward to hopefully getting back. Yeah, hopefully.

Well, just a couple of things that I know to be absolutely true. Right. So obviously the number six plays a lot in all of this coronavirus. You've got the rule of six. You've got the six o'clock news. Yeah. Yeah. Usually there's four members in a family, isn't there? Yeah. You'd usually there's four members in a family isn't there yeah

you'd say there's four mom in an average family right add six to that what do you get six out of four you get ten yeah ten down in street that's where all the politicians go why right and then you've got six for six six six like the. All goes back to devil worshipping. Okay. And I've got it on great authority as well, Chris. Great authority. I don't know if you know this, but Boris Johnson sets his alarm for 6 o'clock in the morning.

Okay. And have you ever seen him after 6 o'clock at night recently? Don't think you have, have you? I imagine he's in the Downing Street pub. That doesn't show up at 10. Yeah, there's no way to be seen. Right, okay.

I just wanted to let you know. That's why Suey's getting up early. just wanted to let you know so he's getting up early he's having an early night good stuff good for him needs it

why's he got them bags under his eyes because he's got the worst job in the world well could think of

worse myself anyway I just wanted you to know Pet just so you're aware of everything going on I hope you're

keeping okay so that's your conspiracy theories that you nobody said's your conspiracy theories that you... Is this a new thing? Nobody said anything about conspiracy theories, Christopher. Okay, okay. Them off of mugs.

Okay. I'm actually very well informed. I'll have you know. Got you. Down at the club. All right. Okay. Wavy Davey.

Got you. Tell me everything. Wavy Davey from the club? Yes. Well, you've got to wave now, because you've got to sit on separate fucking tables haven't you yes

yeah okay good lots of love glad you're still making the club though well done you thank you

bye bye well that was that was horrible I don't understand why people believe these conspiracy theories she's got a point though

with the number six no something going on there yeah yeah no the Lily Gargoyle thing is more believable than that she's got a point though with the number six no there's something going on there yeah yeah no the Lily Gargoyle thing is more believable than that

what's your beef shall I go first do you want to go first yeah go on then you keep tightening things too tight it's straight in there

not even my beef with you just straight in no bottles anything that you can screw yeah anything that you can do too tight you do

that sounded terrible Anything that you can screw. Yeah. Anything that you can do too tight, you do it. That sounded terrible. Right. You know I'm an athlete. You know I'm a bike guy, boxing guy, gym guy. It's just one of the things. It's not necessary. It's not knowing your own strength.

You are not entering World's Strongest Man competition. Pointless win. Don't need to be that tight. You're actually going to break the thing that you're trying to tighten. There's no... I'm sorry, right? I do tighten things too tight. I don't know what it is.

However, you had a go at me for Robin's water bottle. I didn't tighten Robin's water bottle too tight. That wasn't me. The school must have retightened it, filled it up for me and retightened it. No, that was very tight. Well, someone,

obviously someone at that school has got a good exercise regime. They probably go on their bike quite a lot possibly yes might even have a punch bag in the garden you never know I'm boring myself my beef with you this week is

now I have got one two three I've got three beefs with you okay pick one top middle or bottom you can have

top middle or bottom bottom bottom you said to me earlier on, I've broken up with people for being too fit in the past because I was on my bike today. True story. You broke up with someone for being too fit.

Yep. You feeder. What do you mean? You fucking feeder. What do you want? Do you want everyone just being invalid around you? No. No.

Right, okay. He was a little bit older than me. He went running every day he had a six pack I just felt a bit threatened by it if I'm honest I didn't like it

it was nice at first and I was like oh look at my boyfriend got a six pack and he was like quite nice and then at the end I just felt like

I couldn't binge out on crisps and chocolate in front of him because he was just judging us and he used coconut oil and that and I was like

I can't do this. Has anyone in the world ever said the sentence, and he used coconut oil, and I was like, I can't do this. No, honestly, I was like, if I have another sweet potato fry done in coconut oil with chicken, I'm going to vomit. Because it was just too much. And he just ran all the time. And, I don't know. Maybe he was running away from you.

Well, possibly. But he always came back. Well, I don't know whether I say this on here. Come on. I know, but me nana listens. Right. It's a bit rude. Oh.

Well, have I not told you this before? Is it weird if I tell you this? I don't know. We'll see. Every time we had sex, I got cystitis. So I think I was actually a bit allergic to him. Well, do you know what happened, though? Do you know what he was doing?

What? While on his way back from his run, he was washing his dick in a puddle. Oh. Oh, God. Oh. Probably. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. probably Rock City you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now

for fan appreciation night on Saturday April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. is to be the mother mother of what is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil movie of the year it's not real it's not real who said that the first omen in theaters friday

gets it gets now it's time for questions from the public the public public public you gave in before me. I was going to keep going.

Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmaradonoid at gmail.com. Please send us your funny stories, your dilemmas, what's going through your head, your would-you-rathers, anything. Stop sending whinging stuff and complaints and requests for trigger warnings.

Not going to happen. Stop it. But all the rest of you, thank you very much. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Hello. A few years back, myself and my partner

decided to go visit my parents at their house. Do you remember when you could do that? What? That was nice, wasn't it? Someone's house. What the hell? What the hell?

Great, great. Do you mean the garden? No. Inside, Chris. Do you mean you met them in a local car park like the Sopranos? Uh-uh. In the house? You could, once upon a time, in the long past ago.

Sounds far-fetched. You could just walk in your parents' house. Nah, I wouldn't believe it. No, honestly. Nah. No debt hauling, no hand sanitizer, nothing. You could just walk in. You could walk in, you could cough in a sitting room

and then leave. Oh, okay. If you wanted to. I might break into my mum and dad's house tonight and cough in the sitting room and just leave. I think your mum would probably have a heart attack if you did that. Bye.

Bless her. Upon arrival, I opened the door to find my dad stood in the doorway to the kitchen, looking confused, knocked about and a bit blurry-eyed. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong, to which he answered, I think I just fell out of the loft. Oh, that's a fucking amazing answer.

Now, the loft hatch was at the top of the stairs and seeing no whopping great hole in the roof, I was very confused as to how he had fallen from the loft. He would have had to fall out of the hatch, roll across the landing down the stairs, bounce off the front door and fly across the living room to have landed at the kitchen doorway.

Okay. I asked for further explanation, but he didn't have any. He had no idea his last memory was being in the loft and missing his footing and the next thing he knew he was in the kitchen doorway jesus well of course at this point i started to piss my sides laughing how could he not remember to this day he still has no clue what happened, just that he was sure he knocked himself out. And judging by the... This made me laugh.

And judging by the daytime television blurring away in the background, he had managed to segue from this morning to loose women. That's just a little funny story. My question for you guys is, have you or a family member ever been in a situation where you've blacked out and aren't sure how you've got from a to b uh so i sometimes get that when i'm driving what like a frightening thing of when i'm driving it's not like a blackout it's just sometimes have you never like driven and just thought i have just done the last sort of you know half hour on fucking full- autopilot there. Yes. Yeah. Or mine's not half an hour.

Mine can be like probably about 20 seconds and I'll go, was that? Yeah. Did I look? Did I actually look at anything there? Yeah. Or did I just drive? Yeah.

Yeah, I've had them. So this is probably when the DVLA get in touch with us and take away our driving license. Oh, I thought you were going to say they want a sponsor. That's a shame. That would be nice. Either or. Don't take our driving licence away, please. Don't take anything

else away from us, for God's sake. Oh, God. All you've got left is driving in the car, on your own, in circles. That's all we can do now. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. Following a recommendation by a friend, I recently started listening to your podcast and have found

them very enjoyable. Thank you. Especially the fan letters describing their cringy slash hair-raising experiences. Fan letters? Fan letters. What year is it?

It's 2020, Chris. The worst year of everybody's life. Thanks for reminding us. I think they're called questions from the public. Carry on. So, that's prompted me

to contact you with my own story. A tale I'm only willing to share under complete anonymity oh i can never say this word anonymity anonymity yeah but your podcast seems to be the most acceptable forum to share such a grubby tail wow isn't that nice to know that is you know what that is that's a tagline you've got a big shag mary no pussy the most acceptable form to share a grubby tail that's a fucking great tagline we should remember that i'm happy with that yeah i'm a bi male late 20s bisexual male got you but this event took place roughly 10 years ago at university okay a northern lad at northern uni it was fun and

interesting having the chance to explore my sexuality i quickly became good friends with a Got you. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we ended up going dogging. No way. Yeah. We haven't spoke about dogging. No way. Yeah. We haven't spoke about dogging much, have we? I just find it so fucking weird. It's something that I could never do personally.

Nah. No. No. You know, literally my worst nightmare is accidentally ending up in a dogging car park and accidentally doing one of the signals that makes them all come and spaffle. That would never happen. How would you end up accidentally in a dog and car park and accidentally doing one of the signals that makes them all come and spaffle all over the place. That would never happen. How would you end up accidentally in a car park of a dog and a place?

I've not told you about when I finished a gig in Leeds once. I finished a gig in Leeds and then I was like, oh, I know, I'd done the, it was the Hi-Fi Club in Leeds when I first started standing up.

I was like, I've done the Hi-Fi loads of times to drive back to Shields. I know how to do this drive. Literally within like three minutes of driving around Leeds I was fucking knackered because the Leeds City Centre

was a nightmare to drive around. Oh yeah, the Ring Road. Yeah, I was like, right, I'm knackered because the leed city center was a nightmare oh yeah the ring road yeah i was like right i'm not good and i pulled into a back lane to turn me sat nav on and literally a prostitute tried to get in the car instantly instantly tried to get in the car i pulled all out and i like i was like finding on the sat nav and the door handle went thankfully the doors were locked and i like looked and they like knocked on the door and pointed and i like pointed at me sat nav i was like i'm just trying to get me sat nav and I like shrugged and walked off and I was like

oh my god honestly wasting that pure wasting that poor prozzie's time anyway so they've ended up going dogging right

fucking awful but okay we'd heard about a local site in nearby woodland so decided to check it out oh jesus christ

we'd see right this is what gets me we'd seen the newspaper reports the documentaries and even the porn so decided to check it out. Jesus Christ. Right, this is what gets me. We'd seen the newspaper reports, the documentaries, and even the porn, meaning we sort of knew how it went down.

So went armed with Venetian masks to obscure our faces, condoms, and enough lube for King Kong. That's horrendous. Oh, Friday night. That's horrendous. Masks, lube, and fucking,

and condoms. Yes. Like you're a bank robbery, but you're going to fuck the safe open. Yeah. Oh. Grim. In a wooded area.

A local wooded area. Anyway, that's been on the news. I love that. Yeah, on the news. So yeah, yeah. Was it the news?

Or newspaper reports, documentaries, and porn? I think they mean about dogging in general. I don't think they mean... No, they meant this place. Really? Yeah, of course.

Jesus Christ. No, they meant the local place. That's how they knew where it was. Brilliant. All this says to me is this is just, as a parent, now as a parent, another thing to worry about.

Well, do you know what I blame for dogging? What? Max Power magazine. Remember Max Power? Loads of cars, lasses with the boobies out, put them together. worry about well do you know what i blame for dogging well max power magazine remember max power uh loads of cars lasses with the boobies out put them together doggers right that's what i blame low rent version of that though isn't it well you know you gotta start somewhere true we pulled up at the site at about half past 11 one night and we're absolutely shitting ourselves a mixture of nerves panic and adrenaline yeah these emotions quickly included hysterics as a gentleman appeared

and ejaculated onto the side window brilliant straight away just hello you're at the right place well you know how when you go to a nightclub You get a hand stamp That's your stamp for your car It's your entry stamp Oh my god Shortly after We exited the car And were quickly joined by a few guys Who were also

Guys Can I just say there Always guys You're not going to say a female model there It's just going to be Sorry Have we just Someone just came We've just glossed bad sorry have we just he just someone just

came we've just glossed over the fact that someone came out and just spaffed all over the window like what the fuck like it's the worst car wash so right couple of questions right i've got to go back to this was he waiting was he holding himself at the point i don't know can you imagine he's like so he's holding himself at the point like i'm nearly there nearly Can you imagine? He's holding himself at the point like, I'm nearly there. Not yet, not yet. Oh, here comes a car. Oh, fuck, now they're driving past. Oh, here one comes. Oh, no, they're fucking, they're U-turning. They're three-point turning. Oh, I came

too early. Fuck's sake. Well, I don't know whether I just got so excited that somebody else turned up. But, I mean, like, that's not even dog and that. Why is he there? If he just wants to jizz on fucking cars he could do it in his street he could do it in an NCP

I've got a better idea I think I know what this is what I don't think that was real cum right I think that part of the dog

that's part of the dog experience right okay a bit like when you know when you go to the theme parks and they've got the thing where you walk through

like the passage to terror thing right okay I think they might just have a bit of water vapour yeah and they've got the thing where you walk through like the passage to terror thing I think they might just have a bit of water vapour yeah and they'll be like oh a newbie newbie pretend the jizz

on the car welcome welcome to dogging so that they can pass on to all of the everyone like us talking about it now

so now everyone thinks when you go dogging that happens and it's like the thing it's the code so you think it might have just been like hand sanitiser

moisturiser or something I think it's fake but so you think it might have just been like hand sanitiser moisturiser or something I think it's fake but I think they just do it as in like a conditioner perfect that actually looks like it what a quick night

at the office for him though if that was the case yeah no if he bought no it's not real he's just put it on yeah but that's yeah

anyway Jesus so it got out and loads of guys come over joined by a few guys who were also in masks, including a Zorro mask.

Oh, does he do the jizz in a Z? And a full head silicon pig mask. I mean, horrendous. That's something of a horror film, isn't it? It's like The Shining. It's like the end of The Shining, this. It's horrendous. The four of us didn't really speak.

Brilliant. Everyone knew why they were there so things swiftly moved forward to us two being on all fours and then it said it's very vulgar

right do you want us to say it so us two being on all fours so he well he's bisexual isn't he

yeah but did they know but then did they know were they not just waiting for girls if they're guys how do you know so they just did they know? Were they not just waiting for girls? If they're guys, how do you know?

So they just, obviously they must have just got down and the guys must have just sort of organised themselves accordingly. Any holes are gone in Dog and Chris. I don't think, I don't think they're quite liberal in the Dog and world.

It's just the fact that they didn't speak. Like, it's so strange, the whole set. Right, so they must know the code. I know, how did they pick? So they must have, they might not have got into it,

but they must have known the code go on do the grubbiness do the grubbiness now guys guys Rosie's gonna tell me the grubbiness you may hear it if it gets left in if it doesn't get left in

I'll try and summarize it for you afterwards okay so swiftly move forward to being on all fours getting the living daylights pumped out of us her by Zorro and me by the grunting pig

yeah that's fine you leave that in. Okay. Yeah. The living daylights. The living daylights. Zorro. Jesus Christ. Her by Zorro, me

by the pig. What is... What's wrong with everyone? I don't know. Anyway. Horrendous. I blame porn. No words were spoken throughout. Good. Not even at the end. Aw. That's a shame.

What do you want? Do you want them to go, hey, classic dog and guys. Just like, lovely to meet you. Thank you so much. You've scratched that itch. Nah.

And I really appreciate it. Nah. I feel like a shut-all. Do you want the same just an experience on your way out that you got feel like Do you want the same jizz and experience on your way out that you got in? Do you want the passenger

window done as well? Yeah. Do you want the passenger because we can do passenger window, windscreen and back windscreen for, you know,

we've got a deal at the minute. We've got loads of conditioner for being in. God, honestly, I feel like at the end they should finish, right? And then they should all

like just turn around silently and then put their fists in the middle like a sort of finish right and then they should all like just turn around silently and then put their fists in the middle like a sort of football team then just go oh dogging

and then just run off and then go right so not a word was spoken it's just that it upsets us that there's no words at all so we got back in the car and went home to have the most thorough

shower of our lives what a jester so what's the point that's just horrible like what how is that enjoyable oh we went dogging had sex,

and I felt so disgusting after the shower. That's awful. This would scar me for life. This is scarring me a little bit now. We went home showered, not before going through the local car wash twice. All right, mate, welcome to the car wash. Would you like the basic package?

Can I have the deluxe, please? Twice. I'll come back through. Good God. A few days later, we were at uni for lectures in the studio and had appraisals with the lecturer in his office. Shut up. Keep going. The lecturer was a chap in his 50s, great sense of humour,

always well-dressed in a smart coat and a scarf that I noticed was hung up in the corner of his office on a stand which also held a silicon paper mask. No fucking way. No way. No way. No way. I can't. That's... I must have been white as he laughed and said I had nothing to worry about as my first term was going really well etc. I was sweating like hell, my mouth was dry but as I got up to leave I mused nice pig mask to which he replied oh that thing I just wear it to run around the woods. Ha ha ha. We never went dogging again. Oh, my fucking God. I know.

Oh, my God. So, it could have been his lecturer. Oh. Part of me, when I read this, I was like, oh. And part of us was like, wouldn't it have been lovely if he'd have said, and I said, do you go dogging no and then the lecturer could have went oh yes i do oh and then he and then he could have went that was me and then they'd have got like married and lived happily ever after and then there would have been a nice story out of dogging just this there's never been a nice story out of a dog and i will put my i'd put my house on the fact that there's never been a nice story out of Doggin. Rosie, there's never been a nice story out of Doggin.

I will put my, I'll put my house on the fact that there's never been, sorry, our house, on the fact that there's never been a nice story coming out of Doggin. Wow. That, I can't. Uni lecturers are liberal, do you know what I mean? Quite liberal, like, people.

Okay, right, okay, well, my dad used to be, not uni, college. College lecturer. Are they worse? Yeah. Your dad's got a Zorro mask in the house, actually. No, he does not. He absolutely does not.

And don't you dare. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. Would you rather orgasm every time you fart or fart every time you orgasm? Have we done this before? No, but that's great.

So orgasm every time you fart or fart every time you orgasm? The second one. Right. Because I'm married now. It wouldn't make a difference. We're married. Okay.

We'd just go look there. I know, and I'm quite gassy. So you'd just be having a bloomin' 17 orgasms a day. Which isn't horrific, but it's just... I couldn't imagine... Sneaking out of a fart in public is hard enough without jizzing in your pants at the same time.

Yes. I think we can agree on that one. That's my thought process. That's mine too. I was like, how could I sneak out this pump in Asda? Without orgasm. A bit of a fucking nightmare. Every time.

So what if, so hold on. So what if you did, so sometimes you go like. Is that like six orgasms? Yeah. Oh, fuck that. Fuck that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Oh, this is interesting.

Okay. Dear Rosie and Chris, after hearing you talk on the last episode about top sheets and the frequency of bed sheet washing, I thought now would be a good time for you to settle a debate between me and me flatmates. Okay. I live with my friends.

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to toddle into their rooms and flop on their beds for a chat to bug them while they're doing their uni work. Right. Oh. Oh. usually not liking her answer oh one day we were talking about where the duvet goes while you're having sex oh one flatmate says it's over the top of them so they're underneath it one says it's pushed to the bottom of the bed right i explained that i only ever have sex on top of a maid bed on top of the covers all right your highness jesus everyone seemed quite confused by this but i thought it was quite rational because this way you only get one side of the duvet sweaty and the inside stays clean she's a fucking idiot no whether you get spunk on the top of your bed

yeah but then you're not then you're sleeping inside of it, aren't you? But people walk in your bedroom and go, is that spunk on there? Yeah, well, yeah. My flatmates then asked, but how do you know which side is the sexy side? To which I replied, I only ever buy reversible bed sheets, so each side has a different pattern, so I know which is which. So she's really thinking about this.

So not just that, so she is going into her flatmate's bedrooms and then lying down on the sheets, and the reason she's saying thinking about this so not just that so she is going into her flatmates bedrooms and then lying down on the sheets and the reason she's saying how sexy the sheets because she is using

her parameters of someone's just had sex on top of these sheets so she's happily lying on a bit of fabric that she thinks someone has just

had sex on what the hell's wrong with her stay in your own room you fucking pervert that's my answer here I think duvet on top

if it's cold yeah I like a duvet on top yeah duvet down if it's not duvet down if it's not maybe start with a duvet on top if you get a bit hot flick it down

kick it down with your leg yeah socks on always ew I'm joking absolutely not as if people still do that

socks on and sock braces on leather sock braces under the knee tie tight with the two straps coming down for the sock couldn't i couldn't do it no possibly flip-flops on as well not even sliders flip-flop with the big ones through the toe push it right through the sock nice one of them as well horrible and maybe some kind of hat and a silicon pig mask only for outdoors so it's quite a sexy episode

this one because i've got another sex related one here glad you noticed sexy everything this week i mean sorry sorry there was nothing sexy about that dog and story don't you think you'll find that people will be masturbating to that dog and story better not not be. They will be. Better not be. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Love, love, love the podcast. Thank you very much. Please keep me anonymous due to my job. I'm a teacher

and I don't want any of my students knowing this. Oh, shit. Teachers, teachers. So this is the story of how me and my best friend became best friends. Oh.

She was a friend of a friend who came on a night out with us my friend went home just as we were heading to a club so i was basically out out with this girl who i'd only known for a few hours right cool that that's cool that's all right yeah yeah i've been out with people in the past with people who i hardly know at all and you're just like well you're having a good night i'm having a good night well that's great that's great yeah i like it we had a great night on the lash and we ended up in a club where this group of guys started chatting us up she got chatting to one guy who she already knew and i got

chatting to his mate the guys all lived in a house share and invited us back to theirs hey up we'd pulled that's what it says there but when i got, I got the strangest feeling I'd been in this house before. I just seemed to know where everything was. I kept this to myself and just thought in my drunken state that it was deja vu. Got you. My now kind of friend ended up in bed with the bloke she'd been chatting to and I went upstairs with the bloke I'd been chatting to. When I went into his room, it again looked really familiar.

Again though, I ignored this and we got down and dirty. Hope the bed was made. So do I. I woke up the next morning in this guy's bed and suddenly it hit me. I had been here before. A year ago.

A one night stand with the same guy. No way. Neither of us had remembered each other. You slagbags. That's horrible, isn't it? That is terrible. Genuinely, like, I don't like to judge, and I know I am a bit of a prude, you know, for comedy effect.

That's fucking shocking. That's bad. That's really bad. You both slept with each other again without remembering that you've done it before so the guy it definitely was the guy it wasn't like last year in that house that was different uni students no no i think it was the same guy i mean you're amazing if it wasn't it was just that it was just that room that you liked no like that was like a first year a completely different person in the

same room because it might be uni houses. Oh, my word. They move out after two years, don't they? It could have been. Oh, what? Mortified, me and my friend said our goodbyes and got in a taxi. I said to her, as soon as we drove off, you'll never believe this, and told her what I'd realised is I just couldn't hold it in.

I initially worried she would judge me. Instead, we broke into hysterics and her response was, so you've shagged every bloke in the city, now you're going round again. And that's why she's my best friend. Nice.

That's lovely. Lovely end to your horrible, slaggy story. Yes, yes. Please, I hope you, I imagine and I hope

that you recognise the inside of the gum clinic as much as you recognise random men's houses. Stay safe, guys. See, I hope you, I imagine and I hope that you recognise the inside of the gum clinic as much as you recognise random men's houses. Stay safe, guys. See, I always just want at the end. And then, this is the story we told at our wedding. It never happens. Yeah.

Like, never tell that story at your wedding, by the way. I know, but I just... Imagine being at a wedding where they tell that. And then I shagged her. And then we didn't react. We shagged before. She recognised me didn't react. We shagged before. She recognised me room, not me or me dick. Imagine.

She recognised me room, not any of the stuff we're taught about. Not me name. Not me course. Not me physicality. Nothing. She recognised me fucking room because she's that much of a filthy whore. And so am I. Jesus. No wonder there's a fucking pandemic i know i know gee whiz man not me or me dick

and that would be really weird if you didn't recognize any guy's dick out and she looked at his dick and went hold on i think we've slept together before that would be really weird if she recognised if you didn't recognise then he got his dick out and she looked at his dick and went hold on I think we've slept together before that would be really I don't know why I said that that would be really really weird if she recognised you two babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah hi Rosie and Chris my housemate has convinced me this is my only option to find the love of my life and I need some help from the only people that are sufficiently qualified

to deal with such an issue I'm guessing that's us well we're not but thank you for your thank you for your misplaced confidence And I need some help from the only people that are sufficiently qualified to deal with such an issue. I'm guessing that's us. Well, we're not, but thank you for your misplaced confidence. I'm originally from Newcastle, but the better side of the river... I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means at all. And probably not where we are, so that's fine. Well, I mean, north of the river is Newcastle, south of the river isn't Newcastle, so...

What are you talking about? The better side of the river. But Newcastle is... But it's only on one south of the river isn't Newcastle, so what are you talking about? The better side of the river. But Newcastle is, but it's only on one side of the river. Newcastle's north of the Tyne. There's no part of Newcastle south of the Tyne I don't think. I think it's Gateshead south of the Tyne, depending on what part of the Tyne. I think, I don't know what they're

talking about. Okay, fair enough. Anyway, she lives in London now. Great. Fucking hell. Someone's going to get in touch, but I don't know if there's any part of Newcastle south of the river, but I don't think there is. I think it's Gateshead and everything south of the river.

I don't know, Chris. I've got no idea. Anyway. Me and my future boyfriend, who doesn't even really know I exist or that I watch his every move, first met on the train to work a few weeks ago.

Oh my God, this is tragic. This is already tragic. We've gone from, we've literally gone from someone who shags so many people so when he recognises them by their fucking curtains to someone who is literally lovingly staring at a stranger from afar. This is all ends of the spectrum.

That's what, it's diverse, this podcast, isn't it? Great, love it, love it. He is the best looking man I've ever seen wow even with a mask on and every morning i just properly look forward to seeing his face sorry is it a medical mask or a zoro mask it's for the it's a covid mask got you just check this is covered just check when this was no it's now he's every morning in therible. She can't even see half his face. He must be absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. I was thinking this the other day.

I would not want to be single at this point. I would not want to be single and look single and look in the mingle at the moment because you can't tell what people look like with masks on. You can't tell. Imagine if they've got rotten teeth. Well, it's almost like in the summer when girls start wearing huge giant fucking sunglasses and you can't really see what they look like.

Okay. Plus you can't go anywhere near or kiss anyone so there's that as well. There is that. Sometimes when I'm early I still wait and get on that train

just to see him. Wow. Very sad slash embarrassing I know. Wow. Please keep me anonymous as I would be mortified if he listened to this

and is happily in love with someone else i hope he's not for her also can we just give a massive shout out and a big piss off to the really creepy man on the same train that also looks and sits slash stands incredibly close to me and stares at me for the whole 12 minute journey i find that a little bit hypocritical hypocrite warningite warning! What are you doing? You fucking... Oh, just when I was liking someone. Do you know what? I hope the man he dreams of, I hope he's married, right?

I hope he's married. Gay. And I hope he gets back. Yeah, I hope he's married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so you... No, because then she'll know she didn't have a chance.

I want to be straight. Oh, right. I'm married to a lady and I want to get home and I want to go to that fucking loser I was looking at on the train again you know yeah the one with the pervert

who stands right next to her yeah how dare she I stare at this man all day by the way can you shout out to this pervert

who stares at me how dare he my future boyfriend who doesn't know I exist who do you think you are oh stop it I still like her I hate her

I have tried to do some of my own detective work but to no Some of my own detective work But to no avail Right My question for you is What is the best Opening chat up line

You've ever said Slash heard Someone say Slash had used on you And more importantly Any I can use On train guy Without looking like

The massive stalker That I am I know Shai Bairn's Getting out But I would just die If I had to see him Every morning If he heard this.

Hashtag, Bound Train Guy. Right, okay. So she needs a good chat up line. See, I don't believe in chat up lines. I believe in situational things. You can't just have a line that you say because it's just, you know, someone might have said before,

it needs to be situational, something in the moment. But there's Old Faithful. What's Old Faithful? Did it hurt? No. What? No. Why?

What's wrong with that? I'm not. No, come on. Come on. Did what hurt? When you fell from heaven. Great, yeah. Say that with a mask on.

That'll be good. Say that with a mask on. No, being able to convey no facial expressions at all. Imagine that. So yeah, this is hard because if she tries to talk to this guy and he blanks her then she is like gonna have to see him every

single morning yeah but there is an earlier train that i think she's just explained there um i've got another one ask him the time maybe i don't know it has to be situation you just got to think of something you got to think of something off off off the cuff in the moment you know could use yours that you did on me what well when I was putting my coat on

at two o'clock in the morning where are you going where are you going I said I'm going home and you went can I come yeah

and I said yes only works if you're a famous comedian you weren't very famous then you only had 20,000 followers

I'll have you know I was in my own VIP section in that club and you'd seen it was dusk at South Shield. You'd seen. There's another one you could use.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Is your dad in prison for burglary? What? Why? No. Well, he should be,

because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes. Jesus Christ. Honestly, if someone said that to me, I'd push them on the tracks. I'd push them on the tracks.'d push them on the track yeah i don't like chatter blinds at all um it was quite funny though what can she do can you ask him the time but everyone's got a phone haven't they i think they should get into a political debate oh that'll go well because no because then you'd know from the off yeah because if he doesn't agree with what you great it's it's a very

good tool at the moment i think because there's something going on at the minute which is dividing the country and i think if she spoke to him and he was either really one way or the other i should know and you never know she you might have really different views to her and she's got right i don't find you attractive anymore or he could take his mask off and he could be an absolute he could be butters under there. You never know. I don't know, what could she say though? Just walk up, do you think do you think Lady Gargoyle

gave birth to Boris Johnson and Donald Trump? Because I heard that. Well actually, yes. Right, bye. See you. And then to the other creepy guy. You got the time. right bye see ya and then to the other creepy guy you got the time 6 o'clock

babadoo babadoo babadoo back 85 episodes in skin in the bin cha-ching thank you for listening don't know what any of that meant guys thank you so much for listening

as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com please continue to rate and subscribe and all of that podcast based pattern that everyone

fucking says the book's out the book is still out and available there's a Christmas Christmas push that we've got to get behind so you'll see

we're out flogging we're ways and someone actually messaged me the other day saying that they'd watch my Prime special on Amazon I haven't mentioned that for ages. I don't know if people still realise it, don't they?

Me stand-up's on Prime. You're in the fucking house. Get that watch to know. Yeah, why not? There you go. There we go. It's not bad. It's not that bad.

Might be a punch bag for sale soon when Rosie makes us take it down. We'll see what happens. Bye! Bye! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now

to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.