Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 86. The today after tomorrow

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

This week on the podcast the pair discuss socially distanced chat up lines, almost love on the tube and a knicker thief. Rosie delivers another great mystery involving airport security and the eef's lead to a potential unexpected fashion statement. All this plus is there a new Superhero on the horizon? Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Ardenoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. I am sick of looking at your face wow chris ramsey that's worse than usual that that was directed to me as well yeah normally it's like a little flippant remark sort of sort of kind of theatrically performed into the ether but that was just are you not sick of looking at my face no i love your face oh shut up wow do you see what i'm shut up. Wow. Do you see what I'm living with? Ladies and gentlemen, do you see what I'm living with?

It's honestly, it's like a tightrope, but the tightrope's a knife, so I can't even win. No, no. It's hurting when I'm on it, and either way I fall off. Honestly, fucking pregnant. Pregnant Rosie is not a nice Rosie. Do you prefer pregnant Rosie or due on Rosie? Oh, now, now, now.

Would you rather pregnant Rosie or due on? Right. Just three days before Rosie. Oh, that is a very good one. Pregnant Rosie lasts longer, but it isn't as intense. Due on Rosie is a lot shoutier.

She's awful. A lot slammier. Do you know what it is? It'sier She's awful A lot slammier Do you know what it is It's been a few months without her You know what Don't even miss the bitch No she's a cow Can't stand her

Hope she doesn't come back She'll be back They always come back Chris They always come back Oh god Well I'd love it if they didn't but they do Just count the days

Till you go through the change Now Oh mate You're not Really Oh are you kidding this Is that worse I'm going to be awful

We'll probably split up then Fantastic I'm dreading menopause Let's not kidding us is that worse I'm going to be awful we'll probably split up then fantastic I'm dreading menopause let's not even think about that because I am going to be rotten I'm going to be I'm going to have no friends

everyone's going to just leave us and I'll just be I'll honestly lock me in a room yeah yeah I'm going to be awful I might have to get HRT

I'm thinking ahead of myself well there you go ladies and gentlemen so once the pandemic's over we've got menopausal Rosie to look for no I mean I've got aT. I'm thinking ahead of myself. Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. So once the pandemic's over, we've got menopausal Rosie to look for. No, I mean, I've got a while yet. I'm only 34. Watch it with my look. It'll start early.

It does sometimes. And before we even start, can I flag up that yesterday you turned to me and actually said, how old are we? So that was good. I'm glad you remembered you were 34 there because you did. Can you remember yesterday? Yeah, it's been a really long year. How old are we?

What happens when you die why is the sky blue when am I going to start the menopause let's crack on let's crack on indeed guys thank you so much for listening

we love you thank you for all the interactions and everything please do keep them coming genuinely before we start I was falling out of love with

Twitter before we started doing this podcast I started hating Twitter a lot but now it's just a lot of a lot of lovely podcast patter I get on keep them coming. Genuinely, before we start, I was falling out of love with Twitter before we started doing this podcast. I started hating Twitter a lot but now it's just a lot of lovely podcast patter I get on Twitter and I really do enjoy it

so thank you very much. It is episode 86. 86, wow. The year we were born. The year we were born. 34 years ago. Very tenuous link. 34 years ago.

Very clever. You used your knowledge. See that? You used your knowledge of how old we are. Maths. It's called skill. No, that's actual.

That's professionalism. Great. that we've learned so fuck you i don't think his face who right what's he saying what's his name oh the chancellor the chancellor telling everyone to retrain yeah no i just did a segue i just did just did a call back to something you just... Oh, there's the door. There's the bloody doorbell. God fucking damn everyone. Two seconds. We'll just put the jingle on. I'll be the postman.

Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmarian Annoyed.

Rishi Sunak, that's his name. That was his name. And for everyone wanting to know, the guy on the phone was who is going to do our bathroom. So mystery start. So there we go. That's all it was. Bless him. He sounded...

When people contact us when we're busy doing the podcast, it's like they've literally walked onto stage while there's an audience there. Like they get really... Like when your mom came in, we're doing the podcast. She was like, E, E, what's happening? E, am I on?

And then he was like, I was like, I'm doing the podcast. Can I ring you back? He was like, Ah, yeah. And he's like starting to shit in his pants. You've got a question. No one trusts us. I think they think we're just going to broadcast them to the wider

world, just no matter what. I would. Well, you know, getting a bit desperate. Getting a bit thin on the ground, isn't it? So other than the pregnancy that you whinge about constantly, how are you? I mean, I'm absolutely great. i've got zero crack because i very much realized that we we are doing nothing yeah in reality we have no social life we are still on a local lockdown here in the northeast uh with no idea of when it's gonna end if it's ever gonna end

um we haven't seen our friends and we haven't seen our family for weeks. Rosie, I'm losing my mind. So am I. It's just you. But do you know what? I've just had... Hold on, hold on. Who's that? Oh, sorry.

I forgot to do this week's lucrative sponsor. No problem at all. Oh, did you? Think you get away with that, eh, Rosie? Think you get the guy from the kitchen and bathroom place to phone me during the interval, during the intro, sorry, to make me forget the sponsor?

You're joking, aren't you? Got to pay them bills, eh? Touch me pockets now. Me pockets feel lighter because we didn't do the lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Is it a cold or is it COVID? What have you got? What have you got?

Is it a cold or is it COVID? Is it cough or is it snot? What have you got? Cold or COVID? Honestly, we both feel a bit like shit. Yeah. Don't we? You feel bad, I feel bad. Well, I've just got a bit of a sore throat and I'm just a bit tired,

but I can't work out whether it's a cold, COVID or depression. Oh yes, the third one. Do you want to go box number three, the mystery box? Deep dark depression. So I'm currently in limbo of what it is, but I don't have a temperature or enough of the COVID, what they're called, symptoms. I'll tell you what, that thermometer that we got from Tommy Tippy

when Robin was born, that's paid for itself. I use that thermometer fucking four times a day. Honestly. You actually do? Oh, constantly. Absolutely constantly use that thermometer i feel like shit my nose is sort of a bit runny in that but i think it's just a cold but we'll find out because i had the um the you've had a test the gag reflex nose probe man came today for me didn't he yeah he knocked on the door bless him lovely lad uh he was welsh and he uh he came down the

drive and he came in with his little mask on did he come from Wales to do your test? he came all the way from Wales to do my Covid test Rosie it's absolute madness he came all the way from Wales

drove up to do my from Swansea came all the way from Swansea to do my Covid test and now as we speak he's on his way to London

with my Covid test to take it down with the lab no way it's like a full new fucking industry that's emerged just getting private

Covid tests done so you can do work fingers crossed that it's negative or I'll not be hosting Little Mix industry that's emerged just getting private covid tests done so you can do work fingers crossed that it's uh negative or i'll not be hosting little mix this weekend i know what are you gonna do it's terrifying it's actually really really it's really frightening because you could have it and have no symptoms yeah so i might just get a call tomorrow saying annoyingly it's 48 hours so i'll i'll already be in london you'll be on when i find out if i find out i hours, so I'll already be in London when I find out. If I find out I've got it,

I'll already be in London. I don't even know if I'll have to train back. I might have to walk back. I might jump in his car. If you do know, if you do get to London and you find out that you have got it, just stay there. Because it's just a pain. It's just a hassle. If you just stay

there, we'll be okay. We'll be fine. Just you isolate down there Mae'n ysgwyl, mae'n ysgwyl. Os byddwch chi'n aros yno, byddwn ni'n iawn. Ydych chi'n cofio? Byddwn ni'n iawn. Gwych. Mae hynny'n dda iawn. Rwy'n gofalu eich bod chi'n eisole yno, eich hun. Gallaf fynd i lawr i'r moro. Ie, ie, cyrraedd y moro. Rwy'n ei roi'n gyflym. Covid campio, Covid campio.

Hey! Felly yn y sgwrs hwn, mae'r unig beth da i mi yn ei fod yn, rwyf wedi gwneud llawer mwy o amser yn ymwneud â'r teulu. Yr ysgol, yn enwedig, Robin. in this whole shit show the only good thing for me has been I've spent a lot more time at home with me family brackets mainly Robin I take all of you obviously I've noticed a couple of things about our little boy

yeah he is not a kid that you can allow to have a late night and then he'll lie in the next morning oh no no no no unbelievable

no unbelievable I honestly I think we could keep him up until six in the morning and he'd could keep him up until six in the morning and he'd still wake up at half six in the morning yeah

yeah like he'd have half an hour's kick he doesn't have he doesn't have that thing of oh I went to bed late last night I'll sleep in later nah that doesn't

I don't know what kids do that well all that happens with Robin is you keep him up you're like oh I'll have a lie in tomorrow he gets up at the same time as he normally does or earlier

and then you've just got a bad tempered ratty kid all fucking day yeah and then he goes to bed at about the same time a dyma'r un peth. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. Mae'n ddigon ddiddorol. drops to the floor. Right, well, this is not the actions of a non-tired little boy. So you are tired. I was in the swim pool the other day and I was talking to a guy who had a kid the same age as Robin

and he said that his kid sleeps from seven o'clock at night till nine o'clock in the morning every day. See, you told me that. How old is that kid? Same age as Robin. Right, okay. I was so jealous.

Is he all right? That's a lot of sleep. He was absolutely fine. The bloke said it was, he went, oh, he's record 16 hours. Wow. And I was like,

do you do that thing where you wake up and you panic and you go through and check on him and see if he's all right? He was like, yeah, at first we did.

Now we just know he just loves his kip. I was fucking raging. I was like, is it acceptable to splash a stranger? In Robin's defense, he does sleep very well. He sleeps like seven, twelve hours.

Yeah, so you can't complain. You're being a bit harsh. I know some kids who don't sleep at all. Well, I know, but I don't want that. I'm always striving for better. Well, we're having another one, so let's see. Maybe this next one's going to sleep all the time. Might not sleep at all.

Oh, they're devastated. Oh, God. I know. Nah. Just our luck. I, God. I know. Nah. Just our luck. I never understood. I had friends. What time did you get up on Christmas Day?

Did you used to get up with your family? Well, we used to get up really early, but my mum would never let us go downstairs any earlier than half six. Right. Like, we weren't allowed. We could wake up at four o'clock in the morning. Me and my brother and sister would have to sit in our room

and my mum would be like, don't you dare come in here yeah she was really strict with that and I get it we weren't allowed to go downstairs before half six and then what would happen was the next day the next couple of days I'd go back to school and everyone would be like yeah we got up at three and we got up at such and such

and I'd be like oh my mum literally did not my mum yelled at us on Christmas day to get back in the room so like Merry day to get back in my room so like merry christmas fucking get back in your room he's not been yet your shits get back in your room it's like ruined christmas merry christmas i used to get i think mine was either seven or eight o'clock i think it was seven i would wake up earlier but i would like watch a telly in my bedroom on my own borders out and didn't have anything to open in my room.

Oh, honey. Little lonely child. I would sit and watch cartoons and wait, literally wait for the time. But I never woke up really, really early. But my mates across the road, used to get up like three o'clock.

I know. Well, who's letting them do that? Yeah, their mums would be like, either woke up at half two and went, I'm like, you fucking crit, half two. Yeah. Robin slept in the past few years. I don't think he really understands it just yet.

That's my point. He understands it this year. I think he's he really understands it just yet. That's the point. He understands it this year. I know. I think he's going to be like, yeah. Well, we'll have a battle from four o'clock in the morning and go back to sleep. And he'll just roll around and go back to sleep. I might say six.

Six o'clock? Yeah. I'm not a gremlin, Sandra. I'm not listening. Six o'clock. You can get up at six. No earlier, though. Another thing our son cannot get his head around,

I've noticed this. Tomorrow. Have we talked about this? No, I don't think we have. It's infuriating. I can't explain. Tomorrow when I wake up, today when I wake up.

When am I doing this? Tomorrow when you wake up. Not today when I wake up. You woke up today. That was this morning, you fucking prick. That was this morning. You woke up this morning. You've had today.

You'll go to bed tonight and tomorrow will be tomorrow. And he's just like, no. So today when I wake up, no tomorrow. Honestly. No today. When I wake up today right, you've woken up today already. Tomorrow, yeah, it's, it's, I've stopped trying to explain it. Stop trying to explain it. Rosie, yesterday in the car you were trying to

explain to him what a weekend was. Honestly, I nearly ploughed into a fucking wall to make it end. It was painful. Like, you know when you go to school, that's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And the days you don't go to school, that's a Saturday and a Sunday. And he went, is it today's Saturday? And he went, no, today's Sunday. And he went, tomorrow's Saturday.

And I think I just turned the music up. I was like, put some music on. Fuck me. Jesus. Oh, I know, but I'm trying to explain it. Oh, he's back at school, man. He's back at school. Let them sort that out.

I haven't got the time, man. I've got to admit, the today, tomorrow thing, you were trying to explain that the other day, and I had a light on me. I went, yes, today, when you wake up. The meaning tomorrow. I can't explain tomorrow without saying the word tomorrow. I can't explain it because he

goes he goes when i wake up today and i go no when you wake up tomorrow and he goes what's tomorrow goes well today is today and then when you wake up tomorrow that's the next day and he's just looking at us what you're talking about and i'm like i can't i can't get you i can't get a frame of reference anyone know how to explain to a fucking kid what tomorrow the difference between tomorrow and today please god tell us because honestly i'm going in circles yeah because you can't even so i thought about showing him a calendar you could be putting him to bed tonight right and he'll go so when i wake up it's tomorrow and you go yes and then he'd wake up he'd go it's tomorrow and you go well not today yeah yeah Dad, you're moving the fucking goalposts, see, I like.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. It's time for Rosie's mysteries. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. How you fix that, did you? Well, I never knew that. I pulled away from the phone when I said mysteries. I pulled away from the phone when I said mistress. I was going to get Robin to do it again, but he's at school.

Let's hope I don't close the school. Because that would be shit. Very good. Full of mysteries. I don't want to homeschool. Kablam. Great. Absolutely. Hey.

Incredible phone technique there. Sounded like an echo. It was a lot better. I took your advice and I did it and I made it better. Very well done. Hi, Rosie and Chris. This question comes from an experience I had when I was younger. I was on a trip to Germany and was

going through security at the airport. Every time I do this, my bag in person always gets searched. Apparently I look shifty. My bag in person? I was waiting at the end of the conveyor belt for my hand luggage to be searched as it had set off the alarm my feelings of awkwardness at having to show off the sanitary products in my inner bag, pocket however were overshadowed

as I turned to look at the guy next to me who was also having his bag searched the man opened his backpack slowly with care to reveal now the man opened his backpack slowly with care to reveal now what do you think so um i've got like two things in my head either it's like something normal that's that he's actually well not normal but something that he's packed that's you know like ridiculous and he's not allowed or it's like

a practical joke that someone's played on so it's like a dildo sellotape or water bottle. I know that's one that people do to people. Why? It's like a stag do thing. So because they'll stop, it's in your hand luggage. And if you put like a big thing of water in someone's hand luggage, it'll come up on the screen. But the sellotape, like a vibrator,

they would sort of have to pick it out. I've seen it on like Ladbible and stuff. Funny. Listen, listen, airports are a boring place. You've got to do what you can to have a couple it out. I've seen it on, like, Ladbible and stuff. Funny. Listen, listen, airports are a boring place. You've got to do what you can to have a couple of laughs, right? I mean, yeah, you're right.

It's in Germany, if that helps. No, not in the slightest. That doesn't help at all. A massive bratwurst sausage. Why is that the only thing we know what to do with Germany? That's the only thing I went to.

Everything else I was going to say is really offensive. Is it food? Is it food of some kind? The clock is ticking. You need to come up with an answer. It is ticking, Chris. This is only a very small feature of the podcast. Was it some kind of weapon? Was it a massive knife?

Was it a massive knife? Is that what you're going with? I'm going to go with massive knife. So, the man opened his backpack slowly with care to reveal an entire bag full of Cheerios and nothing else. Fucking fantastic. I don't think you saw that. The words and nothing else are just great.

Just a full bag of Cheerios. Wow. Yeah. Clearly the only entertainment on a flight he needed was the sweet crunch of those tiny hoops. So it was his hand luggage? It was his hand luggage, but it was a full backpack full of Cheerios.

Was he allowed? Did he allow to take them on? I think he did, yeah. Wow. Yeah. It says the question here. It says, what is the weirdest thing you have been caught carrying? All the best to you and the Bairns.

And that's from Scarlet. Thank you, Scarlet. I can tell you that right now, actually. Oh. So when I was younger and I used to go on holiday with my mum and dad, did you ever go on holiday and you went to like, you know, you know how Spain always had

we might have mentioned this briefly before but Spain and places like that always had them random shops that sold BB guns replica guns

yes and you always got to like that knives swords lighters and porn pornographic playing cards okay

that's kind of what they sold yeah I remember every single day i went to this shop and it was like a like a toy gun it was just a cap gun it was a toy gun it looked like um kind of like i don't want to sound like a gun nerd but like a beretta like like what eddie murphy would have in beverly hills cop like the kind of cool like just pulls it out he puts it in his jeans kind of you know total gun safety out the window okay it was one of them a cap gun and i remember every day i went to shop my mom and dad on holiday i was like i want i want

that cap gun mom and dad were like we'll not be able to get it home on the plane we'll not be able to get it home and i was like okay and then on the final day they weirdly like gave in like i think i was gonna buy something else and my dad was like why don't we get this and i was like but you said and he's like oh it'll be okay my dad in all his wisdom decided to put the gun and the caps in the fucking hand luggage in the hand in the hat and i was like why are you sticking in this case and they decided that um if it was stuck in the case they wouldn't they'd just keep the case and they'd lose all their stuff so he's like we'll put it in my hand luggage i was like even i must have honestly about seven and i was like are you fucking stupid and there was like a massive kerfuffle when they

searched through it and they got it out yeah and i still remember they got the gun out and they were looking at the gun the guys were all looking at the gun and the spanish guy the the customs guy he held up the caps and he said no available on the plane meaning you can't it and he meant you couldn't and i'm steaming my mind's eye now going no available on the plane and i just thought dad are you like what an idiot mean, option three would have been, you can't have that, son. Yeah. Because we can't take a gun back.

Yeah, that was option one that they went back on. But they just said, oh, you can't have the caps. So you can have a replica gun on the plane, that's fine. But make sure it doesn't make a bang, because, you know, people are trying to sleep. What year was this? Oh, this was pre-everything. Yeah, yeah, this was this was pre everything yeah yeah

this was fine did you ever have one of those guns the little potato shooters yes them were good weren't they

yeah I did enjoy them they were really a spud gun perfect way to waste a potato I know perfect way to waste a potato

total waste because once you'd gone round that bad boy once there was no you could only go one layer as well yeah the inside

you could still eat the inside but I don't think anybody would want to. Imagine a jack of potatoes and let someone adore it. It'd look like a fucking sponge. Hello, can I please have a porous jack of potatoes for my dinner, please?

Well, there's no jacket. There's just tiny remnants of the jacket and a five-year-old's been playing with it for three hours. Yeah, it's absolutely fine. That's fine. I'll have that, thanks. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef. Beef. thanks. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef. Beef. Beef chips. Ladies first or gentlemen first this week? You go first. Gentlemen first, okay.

No gentlemen. Very nice. Just you. Quick one with you this week. Just quick one. Just now and then. Now and then you show your true colours. We were in a different room of the house the other day,

not the room we're sitting in. It may have been the orange room, it may have been the front room, I can't remember. But you looked a little bit cold. I was walking past, I had a blanket. I put the blanket on you in a lovely loving kind little moment i've just put the blanket on you i'm the pregnant wife lying there i put the blanket on you and you looked at us and you went oh you know sometimes you're not a massive cunt oh yes you genuinely said that it was as i put a

blanket on you yeah it's just unnecessary and a little bit hurtful just doesn't happen that often great i mean i think you'll find'll find I put a blanket on you yesterday when you were having your little afternoon nap. Yeah. Right? So you can bollocks off. I put a lot of blankets on you. This ruins the gesture when you bring it up in the beefs.

What do you mean? In a nasty way, because you're ruining the whole gesture of the fact that you did it. What is the point in doing something if I'm not going to get credit for it? Wow. That's how you live your life, isn't it? Yeah. That's actually how you live your life. Yeah, absolutely.

You're awful. How about then, what's your beef? My beef with you this week, I was on Google this morning. Yes. The old search engine of the Tinder web. Familiar with its work. Robin would like some Sonic trainers for his birthday.

Yes. And I think he made them up. Yeah. I think he just wants blue trainers. Right. But I thought, you know what? I'm going to see if I can get any Sonic trainers. Yeah.

Right. I've had a little look online. I've had a look online on the search engine of the whole of the internet. Yeah. And I can't find any in his size. I found out that with Puma, I do some. Right. But they haven't got his size available.

Okay. They've only got men's or baby's that don't have the in-between kid size, right? Okay. You came back from dropping him off from school this morning and I said, oh, I'm trying to find Robin some Sonic trainers

and I can't find them anyway. To which you replied, do you want me to have a look? To which I replied, well, I'm having a look at the only place where you can really look, but feel free to have a look yourself, you patronising little arsehole.

You just will not accept help from anyone, will you? No, because that pattern is ridiculous. I'm looking on Google, the search engine of the internet, right? And I've looked at every available source of Sonic trainers and they're not in his size. So what are you going to do that's different to what I did? Maybe I'll ask Jeeves.

Maybe I'll try Bing. Don't be a cocky arsehole. Maybe I'll go on the dark web. Genuinely, what would you have done differently to me? I was just offering help. No, no. You're a prick. You'd have went on Google and you'd have typed in Sonic Trainers

and you'd have come up with exactly the same, you know, reply, answer, as me. Good. Right. Yes. Do you not find that patronising at all?

I just find that sometimes, you know, I might be better at finding some things than you might be. I don't know. You might be better at stuff than me. Do you know what I mean? A pair of trainers.

I wish I'd never said anything. Really. It's not jingle all the way, Chris. Do you know what I mean? A pair of trainers. I wish I'd never said anything. Really. It's not jingle all the way, Chris. Do you know what I mean? It's not a special toy that you're going to have to stand outside to get. Right. Okay.

Okay. But while we're at it, can I just say, if you're a grown man getting Sonic trainers in grown man size, have a fucking word, will you? Okay. I was genuinely going to get you matching ones.

Oh, were you? But now that you've poo-pooed that idea. Oh, no, get you matching ones oh were you but now that you poo pooed that idea oh no I want matching ones no don't even oh no I want matching ones you have absolutely no no no I want matching ones

no please I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry no ma'am ma'am I'm sorry ma'am no please ma'am I was just trying to be funny I really want them no I really want them

I'm sorry I kind of get his size anyway so just get me some just get me some I am not walking around with a man wearing Sonic the

Hedgehog trainers my problem with the Sonic the Hedgehog trainers is this I've got there's three sort of problems there's one okay you've got

your Sonic the Hedgehog trainers which have got Sonic on which is great that'd work right but then he said I just want blue trainers like

Sonic and I'm the pedant insiders says Sonic wears red trainers son oh does he yeah he wears red trainers with a red stripe across them

okay well then. Not blue ones. So he's like, I want blue ones like Sonic. No, he just wants blue trainers. Oh, God. But annoyingly, the ones that I've seen,

they're actually really cool. They're like yellow, blue, and red, and white. And they haven't got his size. I'm good. Anyway. Okay, okay, okay. I want some. I want some.

I've cheated on you. I want some. Right. I want some. Great. Please. No. Please.

When's my birthday? It's been... How old are I want some. Right. Please. No. Please. When's my birthday? It's been... How old are we? 34. Correct. It's time for questions from the public. Public. Public. Here's a question from me.

Do you miss the daily briefings? Do I miss the daily briefings? I've actually got them all recorded. I'm going to go back and binge them all. I thought you might, yeah. Can't wait. No, I do fucking not miss the Daily Briefings. Good God. I don't know if they're going to start them again.

Like I say, it was just that dystopic kind of everyone gather round the telly and what's Uncle Boris going to let you do today? Oh, God. And then he stole questions from the public. He did. Proper nicknit. Proper nicknit.

Proper nicknit. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is Shagmode. I said that too many times. Three times? That was awful. Proper nicknit. Pop, pop, pop, proper nicknit. As always, if you want to get in touch it is shagmode I said that too many times three times that was awful proper nicknit as always if you want to get in touch

it's shagmodeunoid at gmail.com please continue to send us your hopes your dreams your wants your wars your questions

your dilemmas your office polls your zoom polls all of that stuff there's been no office polls oh when's furlough end don't know because then we might get

some office polls again that would be nice you never know. I mean, that's a silver lining in that little cloud, isn't it? Well, you know. Back to work, you bastards, but get your office poles done. Send me some office poles while you're worried about your life. Absolutely.

I've got updates, right? I've got updates from last week. Now, last week, apologies if you haven't listened to last week's yet, but please, please do. The lady who messaged about the guy on the train oh yeah okay find the train guy find the train guy now someone has emailed in here right inspired by the train guy story last week recap a girl saw a guy on a train really fancied she wants a tour that's what all that's about okay he has a story along those lines hi rosie Rosie and Chris. Hello. I was just listening to

last week's podcast and the story about falling in love with a man on a train reminded me of my own similar experience. About two years ago I was getting the tube into work and spotted a gorgeous man getting on at the station after mine. We briefly made eye contact and that was it.

The fantasies of meeting the cute guy on the train at work and our subsequent inevitable happy and lifelong relationship began. Over the next few weeks and months I began to see him more and more as I always stand in the same place on the train and he would always get on at the same doors. Over time I noticed that he would always stand opposite me whenever the position was free and we would occasionally glance over to each other on the 25 minute journey he became known i love this he became known within my group of work friends as hot tube guy wow and they would always try and persuade me to actually talk to him

then one fateful morning the trains were delayed so when. So when one eventually did arrive, it was pretty packed. I managed to get my usual spot in the bendy bit between two carriages. Fucking weird that you'd stand there, but carry on. But unfortunately... Awful that you'd stand there. Worst place to stand. Why? Excuse me, can I stand in the most dangerous part of the train, please? Yes, you can. Yes.

I'd like the death seat, please. Can I stand barefooted in this hinge of a moving train? Fucking idiot. Anyway, I managed to get my usual spot in the bendy bit between the two carriages. But unfortunately, by the time we got to the next station, the only space left for Hot Tube Guy was next to the doors. However, as the journey went on and other passengers disembarked,

I noticed Hot Tube Guy moving further into the train towards me. He managed to slowly work his way along the carriage until he was stood right next to me. And then it happened. What? As we rounded the corner in a Farringdon station and the connectors between the carriages constantinaed together, our elbows touched.

Shut up. The electric... Great reaction. The electricity between us was so intense and could no longer be denied. Wow.

And that is the story we are going to tell at our wedding. Just kidding. Farringdon's my stop to get off, so no words were exchanged. So, then...

Is that it? Then a couple of weeks after this my clumsy self forgot to mind the gap and ended up with my whole leg down between the train and the platform accompanied by some hefty bruising and i pulled a muscle i started getting on the earlier tube so that i could get a seat and realizing being in the office before everyone else meant that i could get more work done. Brackets plus, having a seat is nice. So I stayed on the earlier schedule, and I've never seen Hot Tube Guy since. Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, no. Oh, do you know what it is? I genuinely thought they might have got married. I know. God. Sorry. I was like, I'm going to have her with this. I'm going to have her life with this. That's infuriating.

She's just going to just say she gave up on love because she likes sitting down, and she likes getting in the office earlier to get more work done. I mean, I kind of get it. Fucking nerd. But that's such a shame. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. I got a tweet because you know how I talked about chat blinds last week yes I got a tweet from somebody

and someone has come up with social distancing pick up lines oh god kill me just kill us annoyingly I do want to hear them, but I'm annoyed that it's a thing. Yeah, no, this is...

Fucking hell. These are now a thing that you could use in bars. Oh, social distance chat up lines. At like 10 to 10. Yeah. Okay. Hey,

if COVID-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Fucking Christ. That's... That's really shit. That's good. It's annoyingly good, but it's annoyingly good but it's also really shit and it's massively insensitive

imagine saying that to someone who's lost a relative to it well okay fair enough fair enough that would be a bit upsetting but this one's quite good

are you ready yeah is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within six foot of me Jesus fucking Christ okay

okay that one's really good. This one's nice. Hey, since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead. Oh, I hate that I like these. This one, you're going to love this one. Are you ready? Yeah.

You can't spell virus without you and I. without you and I. I like them, eh? I like them. That one's really good. This is you, right? This would be your chat up line. Okay. Had you been single

during this. Hi. I saw you from across the bar. Stay there. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, right. They're really good. Hey, babe.

Can I ship you a drink? Ship you a drink. I enjoyed them very much. Thank you. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. Okay. Hey, Chris and Rosie. Hi.

Please keep me anonymous. Will do. In my single, sad life, I had nothing but bad experiences with dating guys. I decided to go on Grindr. I know. I can hear people brace themselves as I write that. You know Grindr?

We've talked about Grindr before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grindr is the gay Tinder. Yes. Yes. After a few hours, a message came up from a guy who didn't have a face

like a chewed up mint in his mind. Jesus Christ. And in my ideal age range. So we got to chatting. So at first I thought you were going to say it didn't have a face. But then that, a chewed up mint, what a what an awful way to describe someone. Alright mate.

Jesus. I imagine you're an oil oil painting are you he's painting himself like that and I believe him I myself have a face like an untuned mint we proper hit it off

non-stop chats Grindr is a battery guzzler so my phone stayed on charge for quite a few days with our lockdown based chats didn't know that about Grindr I didn't know Grindr was a battery guzzler learn something new every day but I imagine with all the pictures and uh words and

updates and noises probably and then it's obviously constantly broadcasting where you are as well so yeah it's probably like takes up a lot like the location having a map and a text open at the same time yeah we're gonna solve that one he was well educated and funny i felt i had to do the same oh i like that too that's so cool right stop doing that right can i just say now stop fucking doing that people because it's bullshit i hate that well it's gonna get him in a lot of trouble oh shit as i didn't want to let this guy go so i grafted away basically he's just he's lying left right and center grind grind it away grind it away exactly so as the lockdown eased we arranged to meet he liked the idea of a walk around a nature reserve and i agreed thinking it was a good post-lockdown way to meet someone safely he said he knew quite a good few places as he was very into nature and preferred it to a date in a bar, which was still shut at the time. Oh, God.

He gave me the address slash postal code to meet him and at the time it would be quieter to avoid lots of others. Oh, no. What are you thinking? Oh, I'm either thinking that it's going to be a monkey-dogging kind of hook-up thing or he's going to get there and this

fucking guy's going to be like Bear Grylls and he's going to be in flip-flops and a shirt. Okay, what's it? It's going to be like a mountain climb and they're going to get there and this fucking guy's going to be like Bear Grylls and he's going to be in flip-flops and a shirt. Okay, we'll see. It's going to be like a mountain climb and they're going to have to catch their own food because he's just said yes to everything because he fancies them. When I arrived,

I saw a few cars in the heavily wooded area and a very nice looking path towards some gardens and other green shit that looked well kept. Sorry, sorry. I've got so many questions about that sentence. A very nice looking path. Do you know what? I get that though.

I don't get that at all. No, of course you do. Thinking, right, close your eyes and just think of a very nice looking path. I can't because I don't think that's a thing. Right, well, I can see one straight away. Where's it leading? To Chatsworth House where we went

a few weeks ago the National Trust thing yeah it's a nice looking path so what's he said there let's go over that again he said a very nice looking path

leading to some what green shit to other green shit that look well kept it's a fucking idiot Tony's lying hey do you want to go on a nature walk? Yeah I love green shit It'd be great

Love all that green shit Coming out the ground Fucking bullshit Oh I can't wait till you get found out I texted him And he said when I was ready I should head down the path And he had found a nice area for us

Oh shit the bed I was a tiny bit nervous I would be murdered But our chats filled me with confidence Just bed. I was a tiny bit nervous I would be murdered, but our chats filled me with confidence. Just a tiny bit. Just a tiny bit nervous I'd be murdered,

but he was educated. But these dating sites, you don't know who you're going to meet. Yeah, no, you don't. Do you know what I mean? And I've got a lot of gay friends who are on Grindr,

and they work a lot quicker on Grindr than they do on any other dating sites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Blokes kind of just want to get straight to it, don't they?

Just want to get to it. Surprise! Yeah, so he's a bit worried he's going to get murdered. Just a bit. But he said, but our chats filled me with confidence, so I got out of my car and walked down the path towards the gardens. Because obviously, chats mean everything. Yeah.

To my surprise, I saw it was packed, swarming everywhere were people across this rather large playing field sized pitch of grass with trees around. As I tried to find the guy I had agreed to meet, I scanned over the sea of people in groups and noticed a guy laying down on a picnic blanket, waving, but with a slightly concerned face behind his Ray-Ban sunglasses. I walked over slowly and he got up to greet me as I approached. To my horror, he was completely stark,

bollock, naked. Fuck off. Fuck off. And when I turned my head to not laugh in my natural reaction, I saw all the rest of the people around, mostly older male couples,

were also pale-ass naked. Oh my God. How did you not notice that in the first place? I don't know. Oh my god. How's he not noticed everyone's got their clothes on? I love that that guy's concerned. The guy in the picture blacker saw how embarrassing he's got his clothes on.

Yeah. As I bit my lip with every inch of strength I had, my date greeted me and soon asked me why I had not got myself ready before I walked down. It was then he said he was a naturist

and me, in my stupid blind love state, had gone, oh yes, I love a bit of that sometimes, thinking he was talking about trees and butterflies. And green shit. That's amazing. Oh my god god that's fantastic

he's mistakenly thought that the gentleman the gentleman told him earlier on that he's a naturist and he's thought that he just likes nature

wow stop saying gentleman bloke it's not the same thing man naked in public not a gentleman I kind of

why do I see naturists as a little as middle class? I think it is quite middle class. It's not a working class thing. Well, I don't think the working classes need an organisation to be naked in public. I think if you're working class and you want to get naked in public...

If it's over 19 degrees, you'll find the working classes without the tops on, walking around with cans of lager. We'll not find a place to do it. No, but naturist, I think, is a middle-class, middle-over-class thing. Oh my god, so what did he do? Was there anything else there? So, I outright confessed to not being into not being a nudist

and laughed as I woke back my call hastily. To add insult injury, he said, nice to meet you, and I quickly shot back, thanks, nice penis. And then wished I was dead immediately. Sebastian! shot back thanks nice penis and then wished i was dead immediately and that's it nice penis and he left wow wow that's it i often think how much actual naturism do british naturists get to do what do you mean You've got to be fucking committed to be a naturist in Britain.

The weather we get? Come on, man. No way. Would you ever do it? Nah. No? Nah. Not in a million years. I don't want to do this. No, I would do it. I would give it a shot. Why? I don't understand what the point

is. What's the point? Don't know. What's the point in it? What's the end game? Standing in a field going, oh, we're all naked. We're here. It's like fancy dress.

Because it hasn't really got anything to do with sex either, has it? So I imagine it's like fancy dress. So like fancy dress is good for them first five seconds where you all turn up at wherever you're meeting and you all see what you are and you all laugh.

Yeah. But then later on for the rest of the night you're just walking around looking like an arsehole. Bitch, yeah. Yeah. You really do look like an arsehole yeah it's an interest I don't see

what the end game is I don't understand it just standing there are you naked I'm naked as well this is great innit not really an all over tan

you might have just nailed it there all over tan that might be it no tan lines I'm alright for ever seeing someone putting sun cream onto their bollocks though I'm alright for ever seeing someone putting sun cream onto their bollocks though.

I'm alright for ever seeing that. Ever. In my life. I do not. I don't really. I don't like watching people put sun tan cream

on anyway. I find it weird. You know I look. You know I caught a stranger's eyes when they're putting sun tan cream on. No.

It's weird. It's weird round the pool. I don't find it a problem. I realise I call it sun tan cream as well. Sun cream. I don't know why I call it sun tan cream. Sun tan cream. It's weird that innit. Is that't find it a problem. I call it suntan cream as well. It's sun cream. I don't know why I call it suntan cream.

Suntan cream. It's weird that, isn't it? Is that what you call it? Suntan cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never noticed that. Put your suntan cream on. That's awful.

It's just an extra word in there that doesn't need to be there. Stop that straight away. Yeah. You know, just when someone's just lathering their self up, they're just like rubbing

their own like man tits and they're like looking at you. No, I've never noticed it. I just find it strange I find it uncomfortable never ever noticed it yeah I'm just rubbing this grease on myself

how are you doing man you alright I don't know you how's it going just put some of me balls on me dick there how's it going I hate couples

I hate seeing we watched Below Deck last night we just started it on Netflix and one of the women was putting the bloke sun cream on his face

his face and I just thought oh that's not a place he can't reach that annoyed us yeah but there is people who do that when they do it for each other and you think sun cream on his face. His face. And I just thought, oh, that's not a place he can't reach. He put it on his face. That annoyed us. Yeah. But there is people

who do that when they do it for each other and you think, why are you not doing that yourself, you incapable piece of shit? Well, he was just a knob, that guy. Yeah, he was awful. We could do a full episode

about that first charter on Below Deck, but we ain't got the time. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Let's have a question this one, more of a story. Okay. Nice little story.

Always great, always great Dear Rosie and Chris I wanted to share this story with you as I thought it would amuse you I belong to a rather nice sports club and last summer I wanted to go for a quick swim to cool off as it was a boiling hot day I'd love to be a member of a sports club

Yeah, and I would say I'm a member I wouldn't say I belong to a sports club No, I would say, I'd say Yes, I belong of a sports club yeah and i would say i'm a member i wouldn't say i belong to a sports club no i would say i'd say oh yes i belong to this sports club that's that's actually a little one of my dreams a little one of your dreams so do you know when when you watch these films from back in the day or whatever yeah and they're all part of like a racket club right the club the sports club okay i'd quite like that yeah and we've got the leisure center we yeah we don't have any near us we've got our council run leisure centers yeah it's not the same it's not the same i know what you mean the country club the country club

i'm picturing in my mind's eye like an old like a michael douglas film like a 90s michael douglas film with yeah quite like i mean i'd hate everybody there yeah and they would hate me yes but but it would be nice to be a part of something. Anyway, this is what she's a part of. Great, well done her. Probably just emailing the show off. Possibly, but it's a nice little funny story. I went into the communal changing room

and put my things in a locker and went for a swim. I got out, had a shower and started getting dressed. I grabbed my very standard black M&S knickers from the bench and put them on. Oh, Jesus. Once I had done this, a woman appears with her small son and starts asking people in the changing room,

have you seen my knickers? Oh, God. At that very moment, I open my locker and look in to see all my clothes, including my knickers. That's the worst. I have a mild panic when it dawns on me that I am actually wearing that lady's knickers. That's the worst. I have a mild panic when it dawns on me that I am actually wearing that lady's knickers. I was also a bit grossed out

as I realised I had someone else's knickers on. Yuck. I very hurriedly got dressed. Meanwhile, she is still muttering to herself about her knickers and I just felt I couldn't lift up my dress and say, I've got them on! She should have done! You mean these ones, love?

Embarrassed and determined not to own up to this, I ran to the loo and hid those knickers very carefully behind the U-bend. Eee! Yeah. Eee! I then very hurriedly left the changing room very carefully behind the U-bend. Eee. Yeah. Eee. I then very hurriedly left the changing room and left the poor woman knickerless. Oh, my God.

This is a true story, and my friends have dined out on it many times. That's terrible. What would you have done? Ah, weirdly. Yeah? Kept them on. Yeah?

Put mine in me bag, left. And not said no I wouldn't have went and stuck them behind the u-ben that was weirdness I know that is a bit strange although did you just want them off you could have put them in the bin

you could have put them in your own bag she could have put them in her bag I'd have very I would have looked at the person who had lost the knickers well yeah you've got to judge it by the person

and I'd have judged it by the person yeah yeah yeah do you know I'd have give her them back I would have changed no I'd have give her it and I'd have judged it by the person yeah yeah yeah do you know I'd have given them back I would have changed no I'd have given them back I'd have went eee

are these yours I would have I'd have yes you know me I'd have literally been like are these yours and then I'd have left it in her car

I'd have went I'd have went look you can have them back or we can just call this a day because then she's got to go ugh no I don't want them on that you've had them on and you're like well you've had them on and i've got them on you fucking slag

well you've seen your fannies nicer than my fanny however i'll fight you like what a horrible i think she did the right thing hiding them was strange but i do understand that you probably wanted to take them off you don't want to drive home in someone else's knickers so i imagine she wanted to take them off hide them in the u-bend was weird i just put them in the bin probably what if that lady's got to go somewhere and she's got to have no kegs on? She's got to go out of their command or hard lines. What are you thinking? Leaving just your knickers on a bench?

What did you do? She came in with nothing on and her son, he probably needed the toilet, to be fair. Possibly. Toddlers, he probably needed the toilet. He probably had a team

which hadn't put knickers on. Yeah. Well, hard lines. Stop leaving your knickers everywhere. There we go. Okay. I'd have given them back. Really?

And then, like you say, she looked at me and went, well, this is disgusting. How dare you? have I'd have got kicked out of the racket club yeah my dreams would have been over I've been put back to why were you banned from the racket club Nick a theft I nicked some knickers comedian I know put a story on Facebook idea that reminded us this mm-hmm and he was in a taxi going somewhere yeah Cymdeithas rwy'n ei wybod, roedd yn rhoi stori ar Facebook y dydd hwnnw a'i gofyn i ni am hyn. Roedd yn y taxi, yn mynd i rywle. Ie. Mae ei enw yn George Zak, mae'n gomediyn.

Mae'n comici Grec ond mae'n byw yn y Cymru. Rwy'n credu ei bod yn byw yn y Cymru, dydw i ddim wedi'i weld am amser. Ie, mas. Ie, fe wnaeth y taxi, roedd yn rhoi'r arian i'r driver, a'i roi i'r lle y byddai'n mynd. Ac wrth gael'r taxi, roedd yn edrych i i lawr ac yn droi'r masg meddygol. Rydych chi'n gwybod ei masg? Y masg yma? Y masg yma.

Y masg meddygol. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma.

Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg yma. Y masg he found on the floor outside the taxi. Oh, on the floor. Oh, my God.

Isn't that the worst? That's so grim. Isn't that the absolute worst? That is so grim. I need to wash my masks, actually. Every time I get my mask out my handbag, it's filthier and filthier like yesterday i got it i was laughing with my mom because i got it out my bag and i'd had some

crackers in my bag because i had to take crackers with us after i'd been for a swim because i'm i feel faint so like a child yeah and basically i put my mask on and it was just full of cracker crumbs and i was like rosie that's not a mask that's a nose bag that you give horses with the fucking dinner in you've invented the human nose bag what an animal really have oh my word do you reckon there's people out there hoeing biscuits and that in their mask and then just snacking on them you never know i did see a good video if somebody had two masks on so they had one over the nose and one over the chin yeah and they were like opening their mouth and eating yeah very good i've seen that good yeah yeah absolutely not what you should do really because it makes the mask quite pointless but i thought it was funny

for the sake of comedy i enjoyed it babadoo babadoo babadoo bah dear rosie and chris hello i've been listening to your podcast since the beginning and i finally got around to typing out this story after hearing other weird first date stories. It's a bit long, but bear with it. It's worth it. I can confirm that it's worth it because I did enjoy this story very much. Okay.

I met this guy on a dating site a few years ago. Brackets, I'm in a happy long-term relationship now, thank God, because I nearly gave up on dating after this one. Sounds juicy. Don't say juicy. We messaged back and forth a few times and it seemed he was really into comic books

and superheroes, etc. Which was fine. We all love a bit of Marvel and I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to that. You'd get on well with him. I don't know if I would. No. He asked me out to his hometown, Kingston-upon-Thames,

which, if you don't know, isn't exactly somewhere you'd ask girls to go on a first date. Now, no offence to Kingston-upon-Thames, which, if you don't know, isn't exactly somewhere you'd ask girls to go on a first date. Now, no offence to Kingston-upon-Thames here, I don't know anything about that. I know there's a really good comedy club there called Outside the Box, but I've never actually played it or been there. Why would you not ask a girl to go to Kingston-upon-Thames?

I've got literally no idea. Something wrong with it? I don't know. I've got no idea. So, anyone listening, don't get offended. We don't know. Plus, it's a good hour's journey from my home. Well, there we go. Let's meet somewhere more metropolitan and closer

possibly London or something I agreed though after some persuading as he said he'd show me the sites not sure what sites there are in

Kingston upon Thames but there you go alright love will you fucking leave Kingston upon Thames to go it sounds absolutely delightful

Christ alive bloody upon Thames sounds posh as anything well anything I think with upon Thames on it sounds quite nice doesn't it you're just sold by southern stuff like that aren't you oh always Hen Bloody upon Thames sounds posh as anything. Well, anything I think with upon Thames on it sounds quite nice, doesn't it? You're just sold by

Southern stuff like that, aren't you? Oh, always. Henley on Thames is really nice, you've said. I've never been myself, but you always say

it's quite nice. Honestly, literally I could get you a tin of biscuits and if it had something upon Thames written on the front, you'd be like,

oh, these are lovely biscuits. Yeah, I'd be like, these have been made in a nice place. Upon some Thames. Upon the Thames terms when we were messaging he asked me who my favorite superhero was and i said superman brackets i was younger and i hadn't discovered thor yet fair enough oh i get that we met at the train station brackets he came with not

one but two boxes of chocolate for me weird would you say weird or would you be buzzing with i mean i'd be absolutely buzzing and he looked quite smart in trousers, a shirt, tie and glasses, brackets which it turned out he didn't need. First thing he said was that he'd come in costume. He pulled open his shirt and had a Superman T-shirt underneath and said he'd come as Clark Kent. Vom. No, right, goodbye, it's been lovely meeting you.

This is for later on in the relationship when we've already fallen in love and I discover that you are a nine-year-old boy. But for now, I'd like to go out with a man, please. Not a man in cosplay. Yeah. No. So that was what you would say to him?

That's what I would say. Would you leave? I mean, you're talking to a girl who stayed on a date with a guy who did porn. Right. So, no. You wouldn't. I'd probably stay. I'd stay.

I'd see it out. I mean, I'd probably kiss him. You'd stay and eat the chocolate, wouldn't you? I'd eat the chocolate. I'd play along. I'd go, where did you get your glasses from? Obviously not. Are you warm with that T-shirt under your shirt?

Yeah. Quick, careful, I'm going to go past that phone box. Don't want to lose you. I haven't got your number. Not there. Right, come on. Right, well, I think she was the same, right? I wasn't exactly enthralled,

but thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Some girls might have thought this was cute or funny after all. And again, some people are so nice. He said he was going to take me to his favourite bar. So we started walking and ended up in front of the indoor shopping center we walked inside and i was already dubious whose favorite bar to impress a girl is in a shopping center we ended up walking to the audience cinema bar which thank god was shut i'm not sitting in an empty dingy cinema bar with someone i've only just met

he was very disappointed and apparently didn't have a plan b maybe do your research for a first date mate question mark anyway it was a warm sunny day in june and i'd seen a pub by the river on my way there so i suggested we go and sit outside and have a drink there so he took out of the bar in the cinema yes the audience cinema bar on a sunny day and was it an old audience cinema or was it a modern one so it sounds like right that's terrific okay because i thought maybe it was a rustic one popcorn i mean i do like popcorn but i could think of nicer pubs to go to when we got there he went to the bar and asked me what i wanted i said a pims and he came back with a pint of pims for meing to get me drunk much? And tap water for himself. Leave! Abort!

Abort! Abort! Get your kryptonite out! I've been there, done that. Don't do it. Don't do it. I jokingly commented on the tap water. Brackets. No judgement at all, but I probably couldn't be with someone who didn't drink at all. Close brackets. See, that's where I'm a bit confused.

He's got tap water and he's bought her a pint of Pimms. I imagine he doesn't understand drink. It's like a feeder with drink. But he probably doesn't understand alcohol, so if he doesn't drink... Is he actually Superman? Well... Is this what it's going to be?

So she's joked about the alcohol. He went on to say he didn't put anything bad in his body. No alcohol, bad food or anything, as he needed to be the best he could be for his training i can't say it without laughing okay yes come on come on he said he said he gets up at 6 30 a.m every day goes for a run and does weights etc it wasn't that similar to my lifestyle but fine whatever thoughts you bought then he asked if he could take me on a walk and find a place to have a snog brackets why would you ask just do it we walked past an alleyway when he exclaimed i've taken girls down there for a cheeky kiss it's nice and private i felt a bit freaked out at this point and probably should have left but we walked a couple of minutes

to a park and as soon as we sat down on a bench he leaned in awful kiss one of the worst i've ever had she does not pull fucking punches here like what's your kiss i pulled away and suggested we chat for a bit instead so i asked what he wanted to do he said he was happy working in a pub as it gave him time to work out and concentrate on his training he said he said he needed to be the best he could be if he wanted to save the world one person at a time. I laughed as he was obviously joking and jokingly asked if he was serious. He said, why else would he do so much training?

It's to fight off the bad guys when he goes on his nightly patrols. No, he doesn't. I laughed again and said he was being... Yes. I laughed again and said he was being dangerous and stupid if he was being serious. He said, oh, don't worry, it's okay.

My costume protects me. I'm sorry, but my first reaction, if I was on a date with someone who, one, was dressed as Superman underneath his clothes and had fake glasses on and drank water, my reaction to him saying these nightly patrols would not be, that's dangerous, it would be, what the fuck are you talking about?

Apparently, he has a bulletproof vest, kevlar gloves and a lacrosse stick that he takes out with him every night to fight bad guys good for him he said he's come into some situations where he saved lives has stopped a girl from getting attacked and stopped some drug dealers in a playground in brixton allegedly wow the best thing about this is that he even has a superhero name for himself. What's his name? Which his mam has sewn onto a t-shirt for him. He calls himself Justice. Mr Justice or just Justice?

Is that one not taking it all? No, no, no, just Justice, like Shea or Seal. Justice. And thinks of himself as the Kingston Batman. Apparently, Batman is his absolute hero. He models his whole life around him and even gets his best friend to pretend to be Alfred and throw... and even gets his best friend to pretend to be Alfred and throw and even gets his best friend to pretend to

be Alfred and throw apples at him whilst he tries to cut them in half with a knife like fruit like fruit ninja on your phone well I literally couldn't stop laughing for a good few minutes but when I finally caught my breath I could see he looked very offended he was deadly serious so we stopped talking and sat in awkward silence for a bit. I couldn't take it anymore, so I said I had to go. He insisted on walking me back to the train station. And the last thing he said to me was... I think it goes without saying, but obviously don't tell anyone about my secret identity.

Oh, now I feel bad that we've mentioned it on here. Is it weird that I'm actually worried that we're laughing that much because I feel like you might come and get me? Oh, I do feel a bit bad. I'm a bit scared. What if he comes to get me? He just does. To be fair, we're not breaking any laws. We're not bad guys, we're goodies.

Yeah, and you can't have an ego if you're a superhero, right? You know, J. Jonah Jameson doesn't agree with Spider-Man. He's always slagging him off. But Spider-Man, you've just got to leave him because J. Jonah Jameson's not breaking any rules. I'm confused. Why did he go dressed as Superman if he likes Batman better? He went dressed as Superman just for her, I think,

for a joke for the date. Right. What did the two boxes of chocolate have anything to do with? No idea. Right, okay. I think he might... You know Big, where Tom Hanks is? Yes.

I think he might actually be a child who's just turned into an adult for the day and he's gone on a date and has no idea what to do. Do you think? He took two boxes of chocolate because his friend said girls like chocolates because all the sister gets chocolate. He's put a Superman t-shirt on underneath for a laugh and then he's gone to the cinema bar because it's the only place he's ever been. And he doesn't know how much Pim's to have in a glass. Oh my gosh, he is big. I think he's big. I think he's the to the cinema bar because it's the only place he's ever been and he doesn't know how much pims to have in a glass oh my gosh he is big i think he's big i

think he's the kid from big yeah safe to say i did not message him back when he texted me on the train home i haven't spoke to him since i wondered if i'd been pranked or i was on one of those tv shows where people play practical jokes or even if he had a bet with his mates because i just couldn't believe that he was serious however his name came up on my Facebook suggested friends a while later. Brackets, I probably should have deleted his number from my phone. I'm guessing that's why it came up. And his Facebook profile pic is him at his wedding. And then she's put bracket, question mark, exclamation mark,

question mark, exclamation mark, close bracket. So she can't believe he's been married. At his wedding, ripping open his wedding shirt to reveal a Batman t-shirt. There are no words. I had a lucky been married. Yeah. At his wedding, ripping open his wedding shirt to reveal a Batman t-shirt. There are no words. I had a lucky escape. Awful. I was going to say,

I hate that's awful. I've seen that on Pinterest, where all the blokes have the, the, the like superhero t-shirts and underneath their shirts. Yeah. Wow,

each to their own, I suppose, isn't it? You know? I bet he's met someone who's really into all that stuff. Well, I hope he has.

I'm glad he's married and he's happy, but fuck me. Well, I hope he has. I'm glad he's married and he's happy, but fuck me. Wow. Justice. Are you not a little bit jealous? A little bit? Because I don't have anything

I'm that passionate about. Yeah. I mean, yeah. No, do you know what I mean, though? It's a hell of a fucking hobby. It's a hell of a hobby. He thinks he's a superhero. Wow.

I'm a bit gutted, to be honest. Maybe he is. He says he saves people as well. We watch a lot of these kind of programs you never know you never know i've seen kick-ass yeah yeah and look at what's happening at the minute i didn't think we'd be in a pandemic but we are so maybe justice is real nebby's justice listen we're sorry listen just we're just trying to backdrop here because we're really scared so sorry just across any what is it lacrosse lacrosse racket that's it yeah

that's pretty intense like just a quick google lacrosse racket look like yeah that's pretty intense like just a quick google lacrosse it's like a hockey stick but with a little net on the end but what yeah i mean justice is not messing around lacrosse racket i don't know how it's spelling oh good god hey mate we're sorry right listen listen we're so oh god it looks oh nah so mate right i might delete this story i I'm not having this. Sorry, Justin. Thank you once again for listening to this week's Shag Marginoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much.

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