Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep. 87 Heels and shoulders

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

The Ramsey's are back for another cracking episode - this week Rosie is getting in festive with some Halloween and Christmas plans. There's some beef, a mystery which Chris does pretty well with and some great QFTP's. Yoghurt anyone? Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maronoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my life partner, Christopher Ramsey. Life partner's a good one. Thank you. Life partner's a good one. Does sound a bit like, whenever I hear people say that,

I always think it sounds like some kind of sentence that a judge would pass down. What do you mean? Like life partner, like life sentence. I don't know, it just sounds a bit... Feels a bit like that sometimes, Chris. Doesn't it? Just sounds a bit long.

It is. I think it sounds like the carer. Life partner. Life partner slash carer. Doesn't sound very romantic. That's what I was going to say. It's not romantic at all, is it? I think two best mates could be life partners.

Absolutely. Do you know what? We've given up. We like the same films. There's no girls or boys out there for her. She's going to be like, just chill out, man. Just die. Sleep in separate rooms

come down he makes breakfast crack and fry up he orders the curries I'm going to watch Terminator why do I feel like you're going to leave us why do I feel like

me and Carl would love this oh god why do I feel like as I said that there I just pictured me and Carl just growing up together just dead happy oh

for goodness sake while we're just speaking about your bestie Carl Hutchinson he was on the one show last week and he was hosting the one show hey carl very well done it was great he was brilliant i was dead proud of him he was awesome look like he'd done it loads yeah it was amazing well done carl very very good good work he's also on tour now for you i've given a little plug for his tour why not he's socially distanced to us. I think there's only like three people who are going to go a day.

I think it might be sold out before you've even said it. It probably will be. It probably will be. Now, guys, thank you so much for listening to your absolute beauties. Before we go any further with this episode, it is time for this week's lucrative,

lucrative sponsor. And Rosie, Rosie, you turn that frown upside down right now. Why? You turn it upside down. It's a real sponsor. It's a real thing. They're never real sponsors. Rosie, this, you turn that phone upside down right now. Why? You turn it upside down. It's a real sponsor. It's a real thing. I know I joke about this.

They're never real sponsors. Rosie, this week's sponsor is Shag Mowdenoid merch. Oh, right. Yes. Okay. Yes. And you were going to mention this. I didn't think you'd do it yet.

Oh, look at the calendar. Oh, just in time for Christmas. Well, that's weird. Oh, hey, funny that. That's a happy little accident. Not an accident. Planned it. If you go to our website, Shag Mow Annoyed, there is a store on there now.

We've got 4pm Wine Time Baby wine glass. We've got some wine glasses. Big, massive, fuck-off wine glasses that I cannot wait to drink a bottle of wine out of come January. We're getting them sent so that we can show them on Instagram and stuff. And I will literally be drinking out of them on my own.

I know you will. I'll have juice. Yeah, so there's 4pm wine time baby glasses there's tea cups there's water bottles there's going to be aprons

tea towels bang pillows there's a bang pillow on there there's a baby's bib on there baby's bib on there there's a phone cover on there there's a laptop case on there laptop case

holy crap there's loads on there featuring levels you know different quotes of absolute filth and just different things from the podcast hopefully you'll get on there see Laptop case. Holy crap. There's loads on there. Featuring levels, you know, different quotes of absolute filth and just different things from the podcast. Hopefully you'll get on there,

see something you like and there you go. That is the real sponsor this week. And hang on. Yeah. Do we make a little bit of a mona mona

chan chan chan? It might be the first actual, it might be the first actual response since the book or the tour. Mothershitter.

That's amazing. Hold on. Got an email just being through there. Ah, sorry, cancel that. This weekhitter. That's amazing. Hold on. Got an email just being through there. Sorry, cancel that. This week's sponsor is Beans and Sausages. No, you can't do...

Chris. Hey. Hey. What's for tea? Want some big pasta? Want some kind of big roast or something over the top? Or what about

Beans and Sausages? I like Beans and Sausages. Oh, do you? Is it from a tin? Not sexually. Maybe they're all in a tin together. Maybe they live together in a tin. Or maybe it's a sausage and there's some separate beans after it.

Or maybe sausage roll and beans. Oh, hey. Oh. In association with fish fingers, beans and chips. Oh, yeah. I mean, any day of the week. Hey, scum tea. No.

Hashtag scum tea. It's the best tea going. I sometimes often make myself a little fish finger, chips and beans. Or chicken nugs. Chicken nugs., chips and beans. Or chicken nugs. Chicken nugs. Chips and beans. Or potato waffles. Oh, what one for tea tonight, Chris?

I think I've just decided. I can't have this. He was your sponsor, mate. So yeah, the merch is on there. Check that out. Buzzing. Rosie. What?

You've got one fucking job. Oh, here's the jingle. Jesus. For fuck's sake. How many episodes is this? I don't know. Too many. Too many.

Not putting you away. I'm bringing in lucrative sponsors, left, right and centre. I'm excited about the merch. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag My Annoyed. Get yourself a little chair, sit down, have a cuppa, do the washing, walk, go for a walk, do whatever you want. Loads of people run with this on. Doing a lot at the same time. Now I'm angry. do the washing walk go for a walk do whatever you want loads of people run with it doing a lot at the same time oh aye man god if that's so sit down

get a cup get a chair do the washing while sitting down with a cup in the chair and somehow walk at the same time yeah

mixed messages Mr and Mrs Motivator there we go yeah so we've got merch which is amazing very exciting so if you fancy buying some of that

get yourself on there buy it for your mates for Christmas because everyone loves shit like that wow wow there's a fucking review your mates for Christmas because everyone loves shit like that wow wow there's a fucking review

of your own podcast everyone loves shit like that bloody trudge it out hey just trudge it out they'll buy anything fuck them

fuck them Chris I for one have put a lot of effort into designing these things we have had a lot of Zoom meetings for this oh god the email chain

the email chain to design some fucking merch has been crazy. I'm excited, though. You do realise that I am just going to be head to toe every day in our merch. There's pyjamas as well. It's going to be tragic. Oh, I forgot about the jarmas.

Yeah, the jarmas aren't fully designed yet, but yeah. Yes, mate. Goodness me. I've got to be honest with you, I'm a little bit loose around the throat, a little bit. I was fine beforehand, but let you behind the curtain here dear listener, we were just about to start the podcast and the phone rang which happens nearly every week now,

the window cleaner last, no it was the window cleaner once, it was the bathroom guy once, it was me Covid test for a little mix. Come out, tell them why the phone rings though. Because it's a gate. Because it's a gate. Yeah so it's a gate so it phones the phone. We live behind a gate where Chris doesn't like to's a gate because it's a gate yeah so it's a gate so it phones the phone we'll live behind a gate where Chris doesn't like to open the gate because I think he thinks that we're going

to just get robbed as soon as the gate opens I feel like if we open it I feel like Vikings are going to like charge down like go like run down with axes like the gate is always closed

you know when you're not here yeah I'll just have the gate open all the time no no no I'm going to have to probably stop with this I might have to chain it up

maybe but yeah so yeah so the phone rang and it was me so basically No, no, no. I'm going to have to stop with this. I might have to chain it up, maybe. Please don't. So, yeah, so the phone rang and it was me. So, basically, we joked on the podcast last week about the Little Mix show

getting cancelled because of me and it wasn't because of me. It was because of production. Some production people had it. They put a thing out there so we didn't do the show.

Fuming. Fuming, I was. I mean, I was just gutted. I really wanted to do it. The set's amazing. Hopefully, we're going to be on this week. Oh, no, sorry. I was just annoyedted I really wanted to do it the set's amazing hopefully we're going to be on this week oh no sorry

I was just annoyed because you came home earlier that was upsetting by the way two days earlier two days earlier yeah I thought you'd be over the moon I actually missed you oh yeah

this was ridiculous the first night you were away and you were like oh I miss you tonight I was like no you don't I do man no you absolutely do not Chris we've spent

every bastard day together for the last like, you absolutely do not. Chris, we've spent every bastard day together for the last, like, eight months. You do not miss me. I am so, like, I love you. You know I do. You know I do care about you. But please, let's just have some time apart. And I honestly will be so upset

if it gets cancelled again this week. Listen, is it weird that this mate has wanted to spend more time with you, this kind of behaviour? Oh, you're like one of them dogs that gets beat up. That just always goes back to its owner. Oh, that's you? Oh, that's so...

It's true. Oh, I'm really sad now for a dog you've just made up. But you know that really happens. Like a pack mentality thing. Yeah, and you just keep coming back for more. Leave me alone. Oh, but I did miss you though. No, you didn't.

But I think it was because I was a bit drunk. I got quite drunk on the train on the way down. Oh yeah so he only misses when he pissed you know what's really sad just a really sad sight i imagine anyone who sees me on the train down um it's all that you know if you i know everyone's whinging about stuff being covered safe and all that and i kind of just breeze through life at the moment thinking well i'm not touching anything i'm touching my face so i'm all right but it is you know the train's proper cool, it's proper safe. And it's, I just think that the scummiest thing you can see, apologies to anyone who sees it,

it's just me sitting on the train holding a can, just undoing my mask from one ear to just take a swig of my can and then put my mask back on while I sit watching UFC on my phone. You just need to get a little straw.

A straw for beer. Fucking behave, will you? Ugh. Would that be horrible, would it? It'd be disgusting. All right, sorry. You never had a bottle of little straw. A straw for beer? Fucking behave, will you? Ugh. Would that be horrible, would it? It'd be disgusting. All right, sorry. You never had a bottle of coke with a straw? Totally different.

Fizzy? Totally different. It hasn't got a head on it. You've got a head on it. Great. Wow. Amazing. Sunday Times best-selling number one author there.

That's what she said. Great. So basically what I'm saying is, they knocked on my little door there, they knocked on my door. Well, she rang the phone, the lady. I picked up the phone. Oh God, get to the point.

What are you talking about? The point was I went, hello? And she was like, I can't remember her name, but she said it was Lindsay or whatever. She went, hi, it's Lindsay. I went, hi. She went, yeah. I went, what do you want?

She went, I'm here for the swab. And because I had no idea that the COVID test was happening today, someone just saying on the intercom that they're here for the swab and because I had no idea that the COVID test was happening today someone just saying on the intercom that they're here for the swab was the weirdest fucking thing. It was just the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I'm here for the swab I was like the fuck's happening here

and I literally want to go you've got the wrong you've got the wrong kind of religion's this knocking on my door Jehovah's Witnesses are getting a bit personal. What could it be? What could the swab be? i don't know what it was it was like you know i'm a traveling gum clinic lady but then i went and then she went your covid test and i went oh my god yes come in why didn't you just call it that in the first place it was weird and then she came in and just sat down right i'm asking all that on just sat down no bag nothing in her hands and she sat

there and looked at us and i went yeah and she and i went well come on then and she sat down no bag nothing in her hands and she sat there and looked at us and I went yeah and she went well come on then and she went apparently you've got it and I went I've got what and she went you've got the kit the testing kit

I went no I fucking haven't and she went yeah it's been delivered to you and I went right okay so I ran up to the top of the garden where the post box is I went to the post box

thankfully it was there in the post box and I came back down and I went oh are you driving it to the lab now she went no I'm driving it back to my house in Liverpool then someone's picking it up from my house and taking us to take it to london what what the fuck's going on why couldn't you've just done that i don't know

why couldn't i why couldn't i think the thing that you know like when athletes get like i think we mentioned this last week when like an athlete on drugs gets someone else to do their piss test for them right okay i think it's in case i get someone well to be fair you could have just went to me nana's because me nana Bridget, bless her, has hardly left the house. You could have swabbed her and been all right. Yeah, to be fair, yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't have COVID, but he appears to be an 85-year-old woman. Hey, she's 82 or 83. Wow, wow. I love that you took the high ground. She's not 85, though. You took the high ground that I got it wrong and then you went and hedged your fucking bets with two.

She's 82 or 83. I mean, I say, obviously me n Nana is trying to be careful, bless her, as a lot of people in a similar situation are. She's getting a whole house done. By builders. So she's getting a whole house done by builders. So she's had the builders in there. If you've got the money in, you want the company. I want the company. And I got told through the grapevine that she hugged one of them by the other day. Great.

So that was good. Fantastic. But you know what it is? What can you do? Like, it's just in her. It's just her. I mean, I haven't seen her for weeks because Robin's back at school

and I'm trying to be careful so I wave at her from the window and that. Just want to say hello to all the Southerners who are now in tier two. Welcome. Nice to see you. Welcome to the party, bitches. Welcome to hell. Welcome to absolute hell. You know, now in Tier 2. Nice to see you. Welcome to the party, bitches. Welcome to hell.

Welcome to absolute hell. It could be worse. There's Tier 3 looming. There is Tier 3. So let's have a little... Should we have a moment of silence for everyone in Tier 3? Let's have a little moment of silence for everyone in Tier 3. Liverpool, Leicester.

I don't know the full list. And then I think Wales are going into a full lockdown. Scotland have been... We'll probably fall in. Well, let's have a silence. For COVID. Don't know why I held my breath on that silence. Don't know why you did.

Don't know why I did that. But it's utter shit. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Much to the disbelief of, can't remember her name now, but I'm still pregnant. Still talking about it. Funnily enough.

What was her name? The lady who said, why do I keep talking about being pregnant? Oh God, it could be anyone. Can't remember. So, yeah, still pregnant, and something which I forgot about the first time around, happening again.

So, obviously, when you are with child, when you sleep on a night time, when you go to sleep, you're normally, like, fast asleep, don't really know what you're doing. Did you know that if you lie on your back, there is a possibility that you can have a stillborn child? Jesus.

Can you... That's pressure. That is pressure. So what is that? Hang on. I remember this being discussed first time. Is it something to do with some kind of vein in your spine or something? I think so.

I think it's something like that. I think it's the way that the baby lies on your blood supply. I'm not 100% sure because I didn't read about it massively. I just read that it's not great so you've got to try and lie on your left hand side

because so all the blood goes to your heart and you can get around better and you can lie on your right hand side you can't lie on your front because one

it's really uncomfortable and two you'll squish the baby but so every night at the minute I'm going to sleep and just being like

okay try not to sleep on your back while you're fast asleep hey all the ladies out there this is from me we appreciate it thank you because that is no not you all the ladies out there oh great no no not you take that look away close your ears this is for everyone but rosie well done everyone why everyone but me because i'm just fucking getting it on the ears off you you know just i just i don't know i don't want to encourage you okay i'm sorry i just want to put this into a bigger

thing right make a thing of it if you were told if you were carrying our baby right and you knew that you couldn't sleep on your back during the night wasn't advised because something really bad could happen yeah i don't think you would be able to sleep Me, no You just wouldn't be able to do it It's really horrible It's a lot of pressure I can't sleep on my back anyway because when I sleep on my back I snore the slightest little noise ever

and you just push us over so it's not something I can do anyway Why would you want to sleep on your back with a big massive bowling ball on your stomach like that? I just don't like the fact that you can't Can you sleep sitting up? I mean, who can sleep sitting up? Old men in chairs in front of the telly?

Very true. On Christmas Day? Yeah. Next question. Not only did I answer your question, I painted a picture there. You did, I can see it. That's what I did.

Could you lie on your knees and your face? Could you sleep on your knees and face? Yeah. So if you put your bum in the air? Yeah, probably. You could sleep like that. You've got loads of options. Oh, yeah.

Honestly, you are awful. I was just trying to put it out there. Do you know what it is? Let me have a little pity party. Rosie, it's been fucking seven months. I know I want a bit longer. I need loads. I've had enough.

If you lay on your back anyway, that gargantuan fucking obnoxious pillow you've got would crush you to death anyway, so you can't lie on your back fed up of that still by the way that's still going on can i just say that last night we had a little kiss before i went to sleep last night and i literally couldn't get my head over the pillow to kiss you and you were like stop moving my pillow and i was like rosie i can't kiss you it was like put my head over a fence to kiss someone who wasn't tall enough to look over the fence i don't know what scenario that's happening in it'll be staying for the rest of our marriage it went in my mouth at one point i was like get it out and you were kicking off horrible it was

like it was like you know when you see two people on on the internet kissing like a couple and the dogs like get involved like licking and trying to get in between the kiss it's kind of like that that's oh that's a thing that's disgusting isn't it when dogs come in when you're having sex and stuff personally never happened to me but i just can't imagine my favorite thing is on you being That's a thing that's disgusting, isn't it? When dogs come in when you're having sex and stuff. Personally, it never happened to me, but I just can't imagine. My favourite thing is on You've Been Free, we said this the other day, on You've Been Free and When People Fall Over, and once they're on the deck, the dog just runs over. The dog just runs and they're like,

hey, what are you doing down here? Yeah. Hi-ya! Hey, what are we doing down here now? Are you me? Are you being me? You live down here with me? Come and look under the sofa.

I love it. It's crazy, man. Oh, monkey. Monkey, monkey. Nah, we'll get one one day. Nothing to do about it. We'll get the dog. There's nothing to do about it.

Okay, but I'll not be coming in the room when... I'm sowing the seed with Robin. I'll not be coming in the room when I'm telling you that we're not having sex. Sorry, if I can't come in the room and watch her having sex,

I don't want a dog. It's the only reason I want one. I love an audience. Ew. Babadoo, babadoo one. I love an audience. Ew. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Okay, so it is time for Rosie's Mysteries now, but the introduction is a little bit different. I haven't had time to sync it up with the background music.

Brilliant. And this was done at half past seven this morning. Jesus. Just a little warning. If you don't like listening to people eat, then you might not want to listen to this because there's a lot of munching going on. What the fuck is this?

Unfortunately, I've just realised recently that Robin is no longer a performing monkey. He won't just do what you say. If he's not in the mood, he's just like, nah. So, here we go. I need a favour. So, today, me and Daddy are doing our podcast. Do you know our podcast?

Yeah. And do you know our podcast? Yeah. And do you know last time when you did Robin's Mysteries? What? You know Robin's Mysteries? Yeah. Everyone really liked it. Would you be able to do it again? No. No?

Because you don't want to. Not even just a little sneaky one? Mm-hmm. No? Huh? Jesus. Listen. Is everybody's like it better than yours?

Yeah, they did. Because, Mum, you used to go, Rosie's mysteries, mysteries. And then you did it and everyone said, can Robin just do it all the time now? So how are you? Ready? One, two, three.

Robin's mystery. Mystery. Brilliant. Do you know any mysteries? No. No? Don't worry, I'll source them. Thank you very much.

You going to say bye? Bye. Oh, my God. Wow. Savage, isn't he? Savage. First of all, I mean, he was going to town on that cereal oh yeah he was well he was it's made me want cereal have you ever watched you ever watched

like it's not right so there's sort of three things in american sitcoms or american movies yeah they'll either go to the fridge they'll come in they'll go to the fridge they'll open a beer they'll do that thing where they open it with their hand and i just go i need one of them and i'm like watching it at 10 in the morning or they'll be eating crisps and you can hear the crunch really loud and you're like shit i need some crisps yeah chips and cereals the other one and he's just he's just done it i want some cereal now did you not enjoy the fact that he was reveling it's him that's yeah nobody wanted me to do it so he was very much like, no, not doing it.

And then, hang on, did they not like you doing it? Did they prefer me? I'll do it for you then. What a dick. Born performer. Born performer. Very funny.

So, thanks, Robin. Thanks for nothing. Okay, got a mystery for you this week. Yes. Please keep me anonymous, as this was told to me by a colleague, although the details are quite specific that if my colleague hears this, she will know it's about her. Good grief.

My colleague had been seeing a guy for a little while, and when they were doing the nasty... Sorry? The nasty. Sex? The nasty? Yeah, the nasty. Jesus!

What are the that's some people can't say sex Chris do you know that most tweets emails messages Instagram

everything that we get is I listen to you with my headphones in you're my guilty pleasure so people we've got millions of downloads millions of people

listen to this nobody tells anybody else that they listen to it because it's so rude this is our career that's why we've only got 28,000 ratings

and we get like a million listeners a month start rating it will you I'm sick of this nobody wants to tell anybody else that they listen if you just go on your little Apple app

and you just put a five star rating it doesn't put your name or anything it just logs it no one needs to know it'd be our little secret I just think it's hilarious

the nasty's pathetic they were doing the nasty darling darling would you like to brush our teeth and go upstairs needs to know and be our little secret. I just think it's hilarious. The nasty. So anyway, yeah. The nasty's pathetic. They were doing the nasty. Darling, darling, would you like to brush our teeth and go upstairs and do the nasty?

Like, what the fuck? The nasty. Like in a posh accent. It was going down on her. Oh, okay then. That is quite nasty. And suddenly, she could feel

something going up her bum. This is quite similar. Is it a pebble? No. I don't know why. Why have I chose this? This is quite similar. Is it a pebble? No, I don't know why. Why have I chose this? This is quite similar. Because you're disgusting. Because you're disgusting.

Okay, yeah. She looked down and asked him what he was doing. He put his head up and gave her a big smile. What she didn't know up until this point is that the guy had... And this is where you answer. So this is the sequel to the Pebble one.

Sort of, but totally different couple. He's put his head up and he's given her a big smile. What she didn't know up until this point is that the guy had Hold on. Big smile. Big smile. He hasn't took some teeth out. I don't know. He hasn't took some teeth out. I don't know.

He hasn't took like a pallet of, he hasn't took his front tooth out and stuck it up her ass, has he? Has he got one of them teeth that you can take out? Shut up, man. No, he hasn't, no. Don't, no. Do you want this?

How are you? I'm right! What the, no! No, shush, listen. What she didn't know up until this point is that the guy had... Right. No teeth.

Fuck off! And she realised that what was going into her bum happened to be his false teeth. No! Why would you do that? No, but listen. He hadn't inserted them as part of his attempt to turn her on, but had taken them out to go down on her

and in the movement of everything they had migrated up her ass. It's even better. Okay. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Right.

I'm really sorry. Right? I'm really sorry. How... Look, no offense to anyone with false teeth here, how fucking terrifying for someone to be going down on you, you kissing them, you see them, the smile that you've seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then for you to feel something weird and happen to look down at them and them to give you a big smile and them to currently have no teeth. Awful. How different must it be? It must have looked like a different person.

Oh, it's just like, where's the gummage? She must have screamed. No, but like, not slagging, don't be horrible, not slagging anyone off who doesn't have teeth.

I'm just saying the difference. Come, I know you, right, you're saying here, not being awful anyone who's got teeth. Right, what's the average age, do you think, of people who don't have teeth? Okay, well, leave them in me.

Like, you know, I'm just, I'm trying to be realistic here. And the age of not having teeth is, it's an older age. Right, okay. Are they looking out left, right and centre? I mean, maybe they are, who knows? Maybe they are. The stuff we get in here. Yes, but I'm not being funny.

If you are of an older generation, you wouldn't be as mortified if whoever looked up and had no teeth, you'd go, well, I am in me 60s. Can't expect, you know, a full pair of nashers. Beggars can't be choosers. Exactly.

My thing is, my problem with this is... You might want to give them a rinse afterwards because they are in me arse. You can use one of my tablets if you like. Just put them in the glass there

with a bit of fizz. And it looks like we're having soup after this because your gnashers are out of action because they've got bits of me shit in them my honestly my first problem with this is how

are false teeth that bad that you have to take them out to do that so again I'm sorry that my frame of reference twice this episode has been you being framed but I have been watching so Robin loves you being framed

it's my favourite thing in the world to do he has a bath, me and him sit curled up on the sofa I have a beer and we'll sit and watch he has a whiskey and we'll sit and watch I'm joking he has a spliff and we'll sit and watch here's a whiskey and we'll sit and watch I'm joking here's a spliff and we'll sit and watch you being famed together

but whenever someone tries to blowing out birthday candles seems to be the one that's the golden one that's the one you get they go and the teeth come out

and they start laughing there's something so funny about someone's teeth coming out I'm sorry it's absolutely hilarious there was one on the other day where someone was skydiving

and her fucking false teeth just came out and just up and she was just keeping her mouth shut for the whole thing, bless her. And it was like a bin liner blown in the wind, her face. Have I ever told you about

when I seen my nana at the nuke and she was getting the bus to go to Newcastle. She was going for Newcastle. She was dressed all lovely. She was going for a day of shopping. And I said hello to her and I was like,

hello, are you alright? And she was talking and I was going, there day of shopping. And I said hello to her. And I was like, hello, are you all right? And she was like talking. I was going, there's something different. And I was looking and I was thinking. And I was like, and she could tell I was looking at her funny. She was like, I haven't had a conversation in a couple of minutes. She was like, eh, shit, I haven't got my teeth in. She's completely forgotten to have her teeth in.

So she had to go home and get her teeth in. Oh, bless her. Imagine, it's like having an extra handbag, have her teeth in so she had to go home and get her teeth oh bless her imagine like it's like having an extra handbag putting your teeth in yeah it must be so strange

well it's I mean it's it's one level up from the mask the mask that we've all got to remember now oh yeah mask

although if you've got the mask doesn't matter about the teeth just keep the mask on happy days it doesn't does it

there you go I bet you you know what it is I bet there's a I bet there's a full generation of people going eh well I do like the mask because I don't have to

pop the teeth in now when I go to the shop yeah I bet you there is I bet you there is fucking great yeah did I ever tell you what Vic Reeves used to do

when we were on the set of Heaven no so I don't know what it was for but he had some teeth made for a show he'd done before right and they fit over the top of his teeth

right and they weren't ridiculous like you know what the billy bob teeth there weren't those ridiculous like you know gnarly all over the place they were just too big and just not right just not right but it always took a second for you to get it yeah and he just used to now and then he'd have them in his pocket all the time and now and then when he was getting bored and you'd have to do take after take he would lash them in and he wouldn't know he had them in his pocket all the time. And now and then, when he was getting bored and he'd have to do take after take, he would lash them in. And he wouldn't know he had them in. And he would say something to them and he would turn around and he would do his line

with his fucking massive teeth in. And the whole place, he would just fall about. It was really good. There's something very funny about teeth. I think it cost him a fortune to get done. And I think he was genuinely just trying to get his money's worth. I think he takes them on every job. Get a few laughs.

Good for him. It's time for What's Your Beef? B- takes them on every job. Get a few laughs. Good for him. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? B-b-b-b-b-b-beef. Eh? Yeah? Anyone? No, can't be arsed. No? Line's dead? Eh?

No signal? Just can't be arsed. Can't get through to them. They're really busy. Covid. Covid it out. Ladies first or gentlemen first? Don't know because there's neither here

Wow To be honest with you You go first Slagged off yourself and me in one go My beef with you this week is The other day we were talking about the situation As is COVID and everything like this Always

Talking about it Yeah I mean it monopolises conversation in most households Got nothing else going on Chris Well we were talking about it and you uh sincerely what i thought was sincerely i turned to me and said hey do you know what this whole thing if it wasn't for you and robin i would have found this entire thing so much fucking easier that's what you literally said to me right to my face and i was honestly like i actually had my arms ready for a cuddle

i was like this is gonna be a lovely cuddle moment if it wasn't for you and robin i wouldn't have got through this you know i wouldn't have if it wasn't for you and robin and i found this whole thing so much fucking easier absolutely your words stick by that 100 well the feeling's fucking mutual what's your beef there's a lot of people enjoying covid chris and that's because they are without children probably and they work from home when they never work from home. They're not doing the commute. Some people want this to go on forever. And I understand.

I get it. I don't blame them. I get it. If you used to commute an hour and a half into work and now you can literally get out of bed at five to nine, be at your desk for an hour, then finish at five and be essentially home from work in a minute past five

and watch fucking Netflix all night and play on your PlayStation and get paid the same. Fucking hell. I absolutely get it. I'm jealous of you. And you know what? I'm going to tell you right now,

I fucking hate you. Yeah. But then there's another side of the coin where people are, not to bring everyone down, losing their jobs. Yes. People are really poorly.

Yes. Children are missing school. Yes. You know, people are having to work from home with children when it's impossible. So, there's two sides to every school. Yes. You know, people are having to work from home with children when it's impossible. So there's two sides to every story. Yes.

But it would have been a lot nicer without you or Robin. Great. That's just great. It would have been amazing. Listen, you can always go and live in the fucking shed, right? Anytime you want. You would still come and get us

to make you something or run a bath or do some bollocks. You would have come and just come and, oh, mummy, mummy, where's this? to make you something or run a bath or do some bollocks. He would have come and just, come and, oh, mummy, mummy,

where's this? Where's me shoes? Robin needs his nails cut. Rosie, can you, can you come and do this? What, we're having for tea?

Oh, I just want a cuddle. Yeah, you come in for your cuddles and all that, yeah, and then you can fork off back to the shed when it's all done.

Gladly. You miserable little shit. Shit, you hideous. What's your beef? My beef with you this week is, and I'm not sure whether I've done this before, because you've been doing this for a while and it really grips my shit.

Great. Grips my shit? Grips me shit. Is that a phrase? Because you're not good at phrases. Is that a phrase? Well, someone I know used to say it. Great. Who I good at phrases is that a phrase well someone I know used to say it

who I used to work with someone I know used to say it okay let's google this can I just tell you quickly about Gareth who I used to work with I don't know

Gareth Howells he was my boss at Pontons and then when I worked abroad in Rhodes he now runs a page on Instagram

called Hunsnet right and all he does is memes and it's hilarious. Wow. And you know when you're like, I followed it anyway, but then I found out it was him

and I was like, holy shit, that's you? And it's hilarious and it's class, so big love to Gareth. Is his memes our job now? Oh, it's absolutely meant. What are you,

I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer, I'm a professional memer and I make more than both of these cunts combined. Exactly. exactly uh grips my shit urban dictionary definition when a person or act is found to be so annoying that it actually creates discomfort almost as if someone is gripping internal organs wow an example here use it in a sentence he is really beginning to grip my shit yes thank you so much there you go see i might have got a phrase really wrong this morning, but I've made up for it with that.

Yes, this morning we were talking and Rosie tried to say when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it, and she said when you get down to the knuckles and bones of it. Which, in my defence, also made quite a lot of sense. Annoyingly still made sense. Knuckles and bones. I was well annoyed. Yeah, I was quite chuffed with that.

It's like the Halloween version of nuts and bolts. Today, guys, it's 31 lot of sense. It annoyingly still made sense. Knuckles and bones. I was well annoyed. Yeah, I was quite chuffed with that. It's like the Halloween version of nuts and bolts. Today, guys, it's 31st of October. We're not going to say nuts and bolts in any conversation. We're going to say knuckles and bones, you know, and put your hat on. Spooky, spooky skeleton. This is how much COVID has affected me this year. I'm actually looking forward to Halloween. Really?

Yeah. I hate Halloween. I think it's utterly pointless. I think it's a crock of shit, waste of money, but honestly, I'm celebrating this year. We're going to decorate the house.

I'm getting pumpkins. There's three pumpkins over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm going to go with full hog this year because I'm that miserable. Did I not tell you that I went to, I don't know if I said this, I went to John Lewis in London

and the one near Oxford Circus or whatever, it's got like this, you that i went to i don't know if i said this i went to john lewis in in london and i went in the one like near oxford circus or whatever it's got like this uh it's got like a big two big massive like atrium bits in the middle where you go up there escalators it's huge and you can see all the floors and i went up and i looked and i could see like a load of christmas trees and christmas decorations yeah for the first time in my life i felt nothing what i looked at the christmas trees and the decorations and I felt nothing. And I literally said, out loud on my own, I said, well done 2020.

You've beat Christmas out of us. No, we need to look forward to it. I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. I felt nothing. Christmas in this house this year, it's going to be on crack. I'm going mental. Really? I'm going absolutely berserk. Define some things you're going to do. Go on, sell it to us.

Okay, I'm going to finally, finally, I am going to purchase, I'm going to put some money in that bloody pocket of the people, the garden centre up the road that sells them reindeers, the massive ones. I'm buying the nine foot reindeer

and I don't give a shit. They're going outside. Yeah, right, okay. We're going to have four Christmas trees. Right. We're going to have four Christmas trees. Right. We're going to add a Christmas tree. Shit. Don't know where.

Might even put one at the bottom of the bed, right? Right. We are. We're not going to put a tree up until later because I can't deal with Robin asking when Santa's coming. Right. So it'll still be only going up two weeks before Christmas. Can't help but realise you've put something negative into this sale.

Okay, well, I've just tried. I've gone back. I've gone back. I'm only waiting at the door of the shop. Oh, no, no. Only waiting at the door. Listen, come back. Come back. Every day, I'm going to bake cookies. Christmas cookies. I'm on my way to the door of the shop. Oh, no, no. Listen, come back. Come back.

Every day, I'm going to bake cookies. Christmas cookies. I'm back in the shop. Okay, Christmas cookies every day. I'm going to be dressed as an elf while I'm doing it. I'm leaving the shop. No, why? I'm a good elf.

I'm over the top. I don't want to be some polyester stuff falling in the cookies. The baby will be dressed as well as an elf. We're going to sing Christmas carols before Robin goes to school every day. Right. Okay? Talk about the cookies again. Right, I'm going to make cookies. What flavour are we're going to sing christmas carols before robin goes to school every day right okay what what cookies again right i'm gonna make cookies the cookies gonna be oh anything you want right okay get big american ones like sugar loads of sugar on we're just gonna celebrate this year we're just gonna have a lovely time i mean probably no one will be allowed to come and sit and eat christmas dinner with but that means more for us i'm back in the

show i'm at the till. I'm at the till. I'm at the till. All right. Double dinners. I'm ready. Right, there we go. Now we're talking. Okay, babe.

It's going to be lovely. It's going to be good. There's light at the end of the tunnel. There's light at the end of the tunnel and they're twinkling like a motherfucker. Can it wait? Okay. What were we even talking about?

You need your beef. Oh, my beef. Right, okay. My beef with you is you constantly keep talking about robin being older and somebody breaking his heart and or bullying him on the metro i do and i can't bear it anymore i think this might have been a beef a while back but you keep doing it all the time well you do it all the time though we'll be watching a program and you keep doing it all the time. Well, you do it all the time, though. We'll be watching a programme,

and you'll pause it, and you'll go, eh, I'll absolutely be devastated if someone treats our Robin like that. And I'm like, you're watching a programme about 25-year-olds on a yacht and someone being a bit of an arsehole to them. It was Below Deck, by the way, guys. It was Below Deck. Like, I worry...

Listen, right, it was just on Below Deck. Series two of Below Deck Deck the one on Netflix the one that was filmed fucking ages ago when the bastards didn't even know what Covid was hate them

and it was when the two of the girls are slagging off with the other girl and she pops her head and she's like guys I can hear you can we just talk it out

and she goes like no and she like slides the door shut in her face and the other one's like they're laughing and I'm like I just remember kids

like doing that thing where you turn up and they pretend they can't hear you. If you've got a time machine and you want to go back in time and you want to upset young Chris Ramsey, that's how you did it. That was the one. See, the problem is,

you are putting your insecurities that you had as a child onto Robin. Right, yeah. See, don't get me wrong. I probably was, people did probably slag us off and I was really lucky. I was never bullied through did probably slag us off. I was really lucky. I was never bullied through school. But I just kind of got on with everyone.

Yeah. I didn't really have a crew. I was thinking about this, because obviously we're talking about it now. I used to be a part of the drama club, right? I went to a Catholic school, so I used to be in the St. Vincent de Paul group, right? Got you.

That went and volunteered at the bloody hospital and gave out presents in that right I was also a part of like the I was in the upper classes

and stuff like that but then on a break time I used to go and smoke tabs in the back lane so I was just a mixture of everything

greedy no but I think that's good I think that's a good way to be through school just get on with everyone right okay can we just quote you now you think that smoking tabs in the back lane is a good thing at school through school. Just get on with everyone. Okay, can we just quote you now? You think that smoking tabs and back laying

is a good thing at school. You've just said that. Absolutely. If you can get them, they're cheap enough. Is it still 20 pence a tab? It used to be 20 pence a tab. Don't be tight on the white. You've said this before.

But that's what I mean. I think I just kind of hovered through school with everybody. I think you're a lot more of a confident kid than me. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, I think that's what it was. But I think because you had those experiences as a kid kid than me. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, I think that's what it was. But I think because you had those experiences as a kid

of lads asking you for money on the metro and being nasty to you and whatever. You're thinking of Robin in that situation where can we just get through the... I'm worried about

whether he's eating his dinner at school at the minute not who his friends are going to be and whether he's going to get bullied. Right, okay. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I do remember when I first started doing stand-up i remember i had a routine

about getting asked for money on the metro and it used to die on its ass because no one had the frame of reference i was like you know when you get asked for money on the metro and everyone's like you don't know being mugged no we don't that's that's weird they just ask for money they say they're going to hit you and they give them the money and then they don't give it and like you're mates with them i think it's a northeast thing. Oh, God, yeah. God. I used to take extra money. No. Yeah, you'd take extra money

and then when the Chavas get on and go give us, it was always lend us 10 pence. Rosie, they never wanted 10 pence. They always wanted more than 10 pence. Yeah. Once it was their school toilets. Someone said,

a Chava said, okay, lend us 10 pence and the lad put his hand in his pocket and came out with what must have been four quid in shrapnel, 10 pence, and he got a 10 pence out and the lad put his hand in his pocket and came out with like, what must have been four quid in shrapnel, 10 pence or something like that, and he got a 10 pence out

and he gave it to the lad, the charver, and the charver just looked at his hands and went, I want another one! And he just had to give him another one. I fucking hated it. I know.

So yeah, I worry about it. I have witnessed that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just never been privy to it myself. But, well, can you just wait until he's a bit older? Okay.

Like comp age at least. Okay. He's literally, he's not even five yet and you're talking about him getting bloody beat up? Yeah, but I just wait until he's a bit older? Like comp age at least. He's literally, he's not even five yet and you're talking about him getting bloody beat up? Yeah, but I just want to make sure he doesn't get any of his tab money taken off him before he gets to the party. Oh, he'll not be getting his tab money taken off him,

don't you? I'll be there. Get off my lad's tab money. He'll be on vapes by then anyway. They'll just have little plasters on that, keep them topped up. So rude. Or they'll have gone completely the other way and they'll all be chewing tobacco. Hipsters.

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It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Oh, that was new. That was new. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch at shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com

Send us your questions, your stories, your funny things, your anecdotes, your would-you-rathers, all of that shit. We'll love it. Thank you.

Got some lovely stuff this week. Ooh. Didn't even have to delve that far. There's still bloody 20-odd thousand emails, but... Keep them coming. Didn't have to delve that far for these. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Please keep me anonymous as my friend is still horrified at the thought of what happened. Great. A few years ago, she started chatting to a man on Tinder. Jesus. And after a few pleasant conversations,

they decided to meet. Got you. Nice. Nothing wrong on Tinder. Jesus. And after a few pleasant conversations, they decided to meet. Got you. Nice. Nothing wrong with that. Okay. The first date went well. They clicked and had a lot in common. It was decided they would have a second date.

And the man asked if he could bring someone along that he would like her to meet. Why? Why? Why would you do that? Oh, people are so weird. And why did she say yes? Of course she said yes. Of course she said yes. There's some fucking... Why are you do that? Oh, people are so weird. And why did she say yes? Of course she said yes. Of course she said yes.

Oh, there's some fucking... All of you, why are you putting up with weird shit? I'm already annoyed that someone... Oh, one date went good, second date, can I bring me mate? No. Well, devil's advocate here, okay? We met each other and got married in our late 20s. We've never been single in my 30s.

Right. If I was single now, 34, I'd be a lot more lenient with dates and stuff. Okay, okay. Do you know what I mean? You've got to be. All right, okay, okay.

Because you get older and you think, right, okay, well, people have got, you know, kids from other relationships. I just think it's the kind of person I am, though. I think it would just be like, oh, can I come on a second date? You want a second date?

Yeah, definitely. Can I bring someone this time? Oh, was that one not fucking good enough for you? Eh? You want to get someone else in and spice it up a bit? After one fucking date? Idiot. Jesus. Bring a book while you're at it. You rude shit.

Well, anyway, she's obviously said yes. She was wary and found it a bit strange, but said yes anyway, thinking possibly a friend or a family member. Great. Second date. Second date.

When she arrived at the restaurant, there was the man sat at a table with a frail-looking lady of a similar age. Restaurant as well. Sorry and all that. It's not popping off for a drink. It's, on my next date, table for three, please. Right, a frail- looking lady of a similar age. Yeah.

Right. She sat down and they exchanged names politely before beginning their meal. After about an hour and some very awkward chat, the man got up to the toilet and my friend asked the woman how she knew the man,

assuming possibly a dominant sister. I mean, I've got a brother and I'm arid for going on any dates with him ever. Dominant sister. It's awful that, isn't it? Yeah. It turns out that the woman was in fact his wife who had a terminal illness.

Oh my God. And had encouraged her husband to find someone new to the extent that he should look before she passes away that is the saddest thing i've ever heard saddest and weirdest thing ever yeah i mean it's extremely sad but extremely weird you can't be expecting someone to be okay with that no you can't be expecting that it's really that's really weird i know it's we shouldn't laugh but that's awful yeah like come on we've talked about this before where I said to you

I would love you I don't like it when you talk about this alright okay well I just want to always reiterate it guys sorry listeners

can I just say it sounds like I'm freaking out do you have any idea how many times Rosie brings up if I die I want you to move on

but Robin has to like them it's fucking psychotic that's it. I'm glad. Okay, it's in there. No, it's in there. Stop it. No, it's in there.

That's my only wish. Jesus. But, but, I'm arite for, like, coming with you to pick them. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's another level. Don't think there should be an overlap, is me point. We've all seen Afterlife. We've all seen Afterlife.

Do it that way yeah Jesus I know so so she's there but no I'm glad that's gone in

because that's really important to me if something happens to me shut don't say it again no I just want you to meet somebody I don't like it

and I don't care if you're not happy as long as they're nice to what children if I'm not happy great well no I don't care how she treats you

as long as she's nice Jesus Christ to stop it or he I don't know which way you're nice to our children. If I'm not happy, great. Well, no, I don't care how she treats you. As long as she's nice to... Jesus Christ. Stop it. Or he. I don't know which way you're going to go. You never know. I mean, you put us off that much. I might put you off that much.

As long as they're nice to our kids. Okay. And sort of you. Stop it. Stop it. But that's like every mother's worst nightmare, that if something terrible happens, that your partner meets like

the wicked stepmother Cinderella yeah Cinderella because that would just break my heart and I'll be leaving a note with my mum and my sister

to say stop planning your death no but I'll just be saying look if you meet this woman and if she is horrible to my kids at all

you have it in my writing and I'll go to a solicitor as well get them kids taken off them why would i be up for someone being horrible at the kid that's in this in this situation you don't know what's gonna happen i i could leave you you would be left devastated this woman could really fluff your ego you love a bit of that they'd know what to do they'd give you everything you want

they'd never give in to you they'd just give you compliments all the time they'd make your cakes and all that shit and then they'd be horrible to me kids and you wouldn't even care because you'd be like well look I'll be honest with you, you've sold it to me this is amazing, this has just overtook Christmas in the list of things I'm looking forward to fucking stop it you morose horrible thing you

so that's it, anyway my friend stuck it out for the rest of the meal but has not spoken to the man since as she finds it too strange. It's really tragically heartbreaking and strange, but mainly strange. My question is, if you were dying, would you like to meet each other's potential future partners to give them the ones over? No, I'm okay, thank you.

Fucking no! God, no! I'm all right. Oh, move on. Not that one. Do a happy one now or a disgusting one to make it happen. Okay, right, okay. Jesus.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris, I have a story you will like about my mum. Okay. We were on a family holiday in Centre Parcs last year with myself and my boyfriend

of five years, my sister and her husband and my mum and dad. Right. Everything was going really well until we went swimming okay after much convincing we managed to persuade mum to give the cold plunge pool a go as we thought it would be a good laugh for us all to watch how wrong we were oh which center

parks is this a cold it's not what we've been to we haven't got one bloody bloody dog i know mum tentatively lowered into the plunge pool, but got such a shock from the cold water that she got out as quickly as possible shouting, cramp, I've got cramp. Drawing all of the attention from the other swimmers to her. My boyfriend and brother-in-law immediately disappeared underneath the water for a good 60 seconds.

Brilliant. As myself... Fucking tortoise. As myself... Fucking tortoise. As myself, my sister and our dad tried our best to get her back into the swimming pool. However, she insisted on standing on the side shouting about her foot cramp for a good five minutes. Can I tell you what you did wrong?

It's not called a tentatively lower pool. It's called a plunge pool. Just fucking jump in. Don't tentatively lower yourself in. Just plunge in. Is that what? It's called a plunge pool. Just fucking jump in. Don't tentatively lower yourself in. Just plunge in. Is that what? It's called a plunge. You plunge yourself in. It's not called a tentatively lower pool, is my point. It's just tentatively lower on our feet.

So you just go straight in. Yeah. Fair enough. Once we finally got her back in the pool, she couldn't understand why neither of her son-in-laws would look at her. Totally oblivious to the fact that in the scramble to get out of the plunge pool, her swimming costume had totally wedged to one side down below showing everyone an eye-level view of

her private parts. No way, man! Her son-in-laws were the ones who had helped her in the plunge pool, so therefore had a front-row view of the whole thing. Oh, no. Their mother-in-laws a minge. Oh, no. So, that's the story

I love that they both just went under the water like I say like a tortoise putting its head in its shell well I just love that have you never seen a vag before

I would I mean I don't think I would look away I would look away I would have looked away or went oh my god cover yourself up

yeah I wouldn't have just jumped in the water like a coward they're marrying a younger version of that vag. Or maybe they saw it and went,

oh God, there's my future. I'll end it all. Maybe they were trying to drown themselves. Looks exactly the same. Thought my lass had a problem anyway that wasn't even the bit of the story that I enjoyed so this is the reason I'm reading it out I just say that the movie Bird Box would have been a lot more

is that what they say in the movie Bird Box do you think it's this woman's name I mean now I do. If you haven't seen Bird Box, that won't make sense. But in the future, you're going to watch Bird Box. I've just ruined Bird Box for you. And the name Bird Box makes a lot more sense if that's actually

what's happening. One little thing that I want to point out here, though. As a woman with a vagina who's wore a swimming costume before, you would know if your swimming costume is pulled over your vagina and your vagina's out. No, no, she's got a cramp.

It's misdirection, isn't it? It's the oldest trick in magic, misdirection. Look at this, concentrate on this. You didn't realise that was happening. Maybe she's done it deliberately. Oh, hey. How'd you get your kicks, love? Pretend I've got cramp. I pull my swimming thing to one side I'm in a heaving flagship centre parks

and I scream cramp even though I don't have cramp and I wiggle it all around last one in the pool gets it in their face poor lady I'm so sorry just while it's in the forefront of my brain thinking about swimming in centre parks

and slides and stuff if you want to go faster on a slide pull a wedgie no yeah no why

no if you want to go faster on a slide heels and shoulders your bum shouldn't even be involved what are you talking about if you want to go faster

on a slide your bum shouldn't even be touching the slide why heels and shoulders arch your back heels and shoulders arch your back

that's how you do it that's not comfortable at all it's not supposed to be comfortable it's supposed to be fast that's awful heels and shoulders right okay

sorry I thought I'd literally had the secret of the world no bollocks what you've done what you've done is rubbish I literally

pull a wedge do whatever you want but your shorts shouldn't be making any contact with the slide right okay you should be on literally

stick your groin in your stomach right up in the air. Make sure just your shoulder blades and your heels are making contact with the slide. Okay. Right? And you will end up on the, if it's a turn, you'll end up on the side of the slide, just, whoom, straight down.

People will come off. No, you can't come off, but it's normally in the closed ones. Listen, if you don't believe us, right, me and you, tomorrow, Haven Point, blue slide. It's got a timer on the front. I can't, I'm pregnant, I'm not allowed on. We'll get anyone, get someone else just to do that.

Or I'll just do it myself. Right, I'm going down myself tomorrow. I'll go down with me wedgie and I'll go down on me heels and shoulders. And honestly, you're going to be laughing on the other side of your face. Don't you ever. Chris, I'm impressed, I didn't know it. There's not many things I'm an expert on and I know how to go fast down slides

I know right okay you might go fast but it would hurt the ridges in the slides imagine them on your shoulder blades depends how well

maintained the slide is but yes depends I think that would be very dead do not advise this do it pull a wedgie

no don't pull a wedgie it's disgusting also you would advise you would advise public displays of nakedness eh sexual crimes over shoulders and heels, would you?

Yeah, honestly. You're a purview. No, I'm not. You just do it before you sit down. No. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris, I feel like you'll thoroughly enjoy this story.

Okay. But I sincerely hope the people involved in this rather long story don't listen to the podcast because they will certainly know it's about them. Okay. But I sincerely hope the people involved in this rather long story don't listen to the podcast because they will certainly know it about them. Great. Please keep me anonymous as I'm about to tell you

the sluggiest thing I've ever done. The sluggiest thing I've ever... This summer the sluggiest thing I've ever done in cinemas and IMAX.

Did you say that? In a world where slags do things. Slaggy. One slag is going to be slaggier than them all. This summer, the slaggiest thing I've ever done. We're 18.

It's Darwin. Amy Schumer. And Danny DeVito. Amy Schumer and Danny DeVito. Narrated by Morgan Freeman. I'll watch it. I'd be all over that. It's the likeliest thing I've ever done.

Okay. I quite enjoy travelling alone. It's less hassle and I feel quite confident exploring places on my own, including within the UK. I'm not from here originally. Got you. One time I got the travel bug and decided to go on a cheap night away

to Cheltenham. Random I know, but bug And decided to go on a cheap night away To Cheltenham Random I know But I was hoping to explore the city Maybe see the race course And visit the Cotswolds It's actually beautiful Cheltenham Really really nice I stay there a lot for when I'm on tour Really nice place

It's lovely Would you go just to see the race course? Well I'm not into racing So no But if someone was Then fair enough Needless to say Things did not go to plan

Okay Things did not go to plan. Okay. Things did not go to plan. On the next episode. I'm sorry. Do you want to read this one? Things did not go to plan, and it ended up being the second slaggiest thing I've ever done.

Not the most oh hell that's enough right okay listen to the story I had booked an air great you got us there

oh well you're welcome okay I had booked an airbnb in some guy's spare room. Fuck. The most tragic summer of my life. Look, I know I've said it before,

like, fuck caravans and hostels and stuff, and I know I am, like, quite cosseted, and I know people are up for sleeping in fucking car parks and sleeping in, you know, wherever. I had booked an Airbnb in some guy's spare room. And you're wondering why this is an email in the podcast. The one who also lived with his mate. Fantastic.

So there's two of them there. Airbnb. How fucking arrogant are some people who Airbnb stuff? Do you know what I mean? Like a room of their house. They're just like, oh yeah,

I'll just Airbnb this room. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I'll just Airbnb me garage roof. Like, fuck me. But people go to stay in them.

I would never in a million years go and stay at an Airbnb in someone's house. Absolutely not. Especially two blocks. Yeah,

no, no, I'm absolutely cool with that. Maybe it's a little part of the house. Absolutely. Especially two blocks. Yeah, no, no. I'm absolutely cool with that. Maybe it's a little part of the house. Like if they had an outside... Like an annex. Annex or something. Yeah. Fair enough. Like a Joey flat above the garage.

Yeah, but you know that this is going to be a bloody three-bed terrace, spare room. I just think how dare they? Okay, but there's a market for it because someone's fucking staying there. Someone's staying there? Yeah.

How much would it have been I wonder next to nothing I assume three pounds anyway okay when I arrived

I was greeted by him and his mate who were both okay looking god we all got along nicely and I even went to the shops with the mate

as they were going on a night out With another friend And I needed to get some food Got you So It's already Well it's already The worst holiday in the world

Yeah Hello Welcome to your accommodation Yeah Do you want to come to the shops No I fucking don't want to go To the shops with you Stranger danger

Leave us alone We're on the way out For a night out by the way So you've got that to look forward to When we get in with my mate Pissed later on Oh here we're on the way out for a night out by the way so you've got that look forward when we get in with my mate piss later on oh here we go in the end they invited me out to the club in the city center and i agreed to go jesus again again again i understand a lot of people maybe when i was younger you know a lot of people are a lot more outgoing than me on stuff like this but i just no i no she started this email email by saying

i love traveling and i got the travel bug yeah and what and then you're going fucking going stay in some student house with two random tossers jesus this is the thing i am all for solo traveling i think it must be amazing when whenever we go to london i love having little days in london by myself i love it i love being a tourist just Just, you know, going around, looking at stuff. She has just hired some mates for the night. And a bed in their house. On rentafriend.com, yeah, great. It's the strangest thing ever.

Anyway, like you say, different strokes for different folks. Okay. We had a fun time and got really pissed. It's all a bit blurry, but I think there was even some flirting and maybe folks. Okay. We had a fun time and got really pissed. It's all a bit blurry, but I think there was even some flirting and maybe kissing

with the mate from the Airbnb. Right. I honestly can't remember, but there was a vibe of some kind. I ended up getting separated from the group

and after wandering around for a bit, wildly drunk, I ended up in a taxi. This is very unsafe. Very unsafe. It makes you feel uncomfortable. Very unsafe. I had no money on me. This is very unsafe. It makes you feel uncomfortable. Very unsafe.

I had no money on me. Shock. Spent it all on that room. I had no money on me though. So when I arrived back at the house, the mate paid for the taxi for me, which I thought was nice. Wow. She's taking liberties. Wow. It's unbelievable. Imagine going to your hotel or your B&B and being like, excuse me.

Can you pay for my taxi, please? Can I pay for my taxi? Absolutely not. This is a business. Back in the house, I decided to go to bed. When in the dark hallway, the mate appeared.

One thing led to another and I ended up in his bed where I stayed for the rest of the night. Jesus. Fair enough. Money back? Yeah, she didn't even use that room. She didn't even use the bed yeah she didn't even use that room

she didn't even use the bed I didn't even think of that Marta that's a great thing in the morning that'll be a great thing to see in the morning so can I just have the money back because I didn't actually

use that bed didn't use it no one's setting it wow I was so hungover the next day that I did none of the exploring I had planned

and spent the whole day on their sofa until it was time to go home. Oh, that is awful. Can I get a late check out, please? Yeah, what time? Oh, tonight. It depends if he wants to fuck us again,

I might stay again. This is the worst thing I've ever heard. This is honestly giving me anxiety. Oh, listen to this. The mate drove me to the coach station and we never spoke again. And that's the story of the time I shagged my Airbnb host. You guys are one of the few people in the world

I've told this story to. Fair play, love. Fair play. That's great. If you're willing to share, what's the sluggiest thing you've ever done? Oh, nowhere near that. Mine was when you said, where are you going? And I said, home.

And you said, can I come? And I said, yes. That's probably the sluggiest thing I've ever done and here we are and I remember your rate for that room that night was very reasonable breakfast was shite by the way didn't drive you to the train station after so sorry

love that if you're listening to this right and you're a young lady or a young man, just be careful. That's all we ask. I don't want to sound like an old fuddy-duddy here, but sometimes some of the things I've done in the past pop into my head, and I'm just like,

oh, my fucking God, that could have gone so wrong. Same, same. Yeah. Walked through city centres on my own, ham ads, not knowing where I am. Yeah.

Be careful, guys. Please. Please. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. I thought you might enjoy the pickle I have got myself into with my boyfriend recently

I told him a little white lie About a year ago As I was bored and I fancied having a little giggle However I still haven't told him I was lying And it's got really out of hand now And I am far too deep to tell him it was a joke This was how it started.

One evening One evening my boyfriend asked me if I wanted a yoghurt and I said yeah and he replied asking me if I wanted a spoon. My boyfriend always asks stupid obvious questions like this and

it really annoys me so I thought I'd have a bit of fun you do that yeah yeah okay can i have a yogurt do you want a spoon no i'll just fucking eat it with my hands you might have been you might have had one you might have already had a spoon you might have one in your pocket moron might be one near you i replied saying no i'll have a fork and he started laughing and just brought me a spoon when he came came back with the spoon, I confronted him saying that I had asked for a fork. He looked really confused. We've been together for three years, by the way.

Christ. And was like, no, you don't. What you on about? Amused by his confusion, I got up and walked into the kitchen, got a fork, came back, opened the yogurt and started eating it with my fork. I hate you.

The look on his face was honestly so funny that I am creasing remembering it now. He was looking at me like I was insane. I remained calm and asked him why did he find it so strange and that he must never have noticed before and that I've always done it

and all of my family do too. And he believed me. This is where it gets interesting. A few months later, we were at my parents' house and my dad asked me to pass him a yoghurt. And my boyfriend looked at him as if to be like, if he doesn't eat this with a fork, she was lying. So I passed my dad a yoghurt

and got a fork out of the drawer and gave it to my dad. I nervously watched in anticipation, expecting my dad to be like, why have you given us a fork? But, amazingly, my dad was so consumed with the football that he didn't even

realise and just ate the yoghurt with a fork. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. So, I had to leave the room to laugh hysterically. So, now every time I eat a yoghurt, I have to eat it with a fucking fork out of pride to not tell my boyfriend it's a joke.

I used to like them, but I really don't anymore. You stubborn bastard. Just put any advice. One, you're a stubborn bastard two what is it with your family not getting their own yogurts why is everyone asking why are you getting people to pass each other yogurts left right and center i asked my boyfriend passed me yogurt that was at my house and my dad asked him to pass me yogurt we're just fucking waltz around life passing each other yogurts non-stop it's like a fucking game of pass the fucking parcel yogurt non-stop

in this house jesus get your own yogurt um very funny with a fork though but yeah you've made your bed you gotta sleep now you gotta do that forever on your deathbed you've got to tell him on your deathbed on your deathbed once again thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag maridonoid which is now part of the acas creator network still still part i think we should change that to which is still part still part that haven't got rid of we're still getting sponsors still on it guys as always thank you so much for getting in touch thank you so much for listening please do rate go on your little apple app on your phone and give a little rate but more importantly get

yourself to shagmaridenoid.com and check out the merch merch merch oh do you know what we can do we can do that thing where we can say like what YouTubers and cool kids say where they say

I've got a merch drop merch drop coming on Friday is that what they say merch drop okay merch drop yeah boy

yeah bye bye Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony exploder april 5th at roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester

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