Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 88. Mr Saturday Night

Episode Date: October 30, 2020

This week Chris and Rosie talk about second hand bath water, have Mr Saturday Night related beef and some fact checking phone calls from Rosie's family.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to this week's Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my sperm donor, Christopher Ramsey.

Wow, sperm donor. Works a treat. Cold, cold. It does work. It's worked twice, so that's good. You said this week's Shag, Married, Annoyed. You've never said that before. You just say Shag, Married, Annoyed.

So I think everyone, am I right in thinking, listener? Did you get a shock? Bet you they got a shock. What did I say? This week's, you're listening to this week's Shag, Married, Annoyed. Well, I'm not going to lie, before we started, I'd said to you,

what do I do again? Yeah, you literally did. I don't know what's happening. And I, again, made note of the episode number, 88, to tell you, but you don't give a shit because it doesn't change

anything you do. Two Fat Ladies. Is that that one? Two Fat Ladies 88? Yes. Is it? I don't know. It's always good to call

on your bingo calling days. Probably not, probably not probably not I would say that anymore two fat ladies sizist and assuming gender well listen I would

guys I would turn off now if I was you because she is just you've offended everyone Rosemary I'll take it back listen 88

me twice I think that's allowed it's derogatory I think I think that's allowed self-explanatory it's self-derogatory so yeah I think that's absolutely. It's derogatory. I think that's allowed. Self-explanatory.

It's self-derogatory. So yeah, I think that's absolutely fine. Cool. And factually accurate. This week's... Guys, thank you so much for listening. Lovely to be back in your ears. It's episode 88. And before we continue any further,

it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor. This week's podcast is brought to you... Can you believe you've done this 88 times? I'm wearing thin now. wearing thin now that's where you're like people like it don't know why people like it kind of made a rod from your own back though i just keep running out come on but it's all right i came up with two today i'm sorry i got emailed from two companies today all right yeah and this is the these guys are for the most right okay yeah this week's sponsor is Second hand bath water Ooh Hey

Looks alright at first doesn't it Ooh Ooh but hold on Ooh Bit cloudier than it should be Ooh Couple of floaters Oh it's fine I'll get in

Ooh Gritty Gritty on the bottom of the bath Yep What's that that's in me fingers That's from a sock Someone's hair In between your toes

Or maybe a snot Maybe even home Yeah Second hand bath water Look past the bubbles Or put more in that never works does it and when you get in secondhand bath water so i get in robin's bath after him sometimes and i think well that's more hot and i'll put bubbles in because he doesn't like bubbles

because he's weird and you put the bubble juice in and then bath foam oh fuck's sake the bubble juice I'm so tired for me that's up there with the best thing you've ever got wrong in your life oh my god

oh don't bubble juice no it's fucking great bubble juice it is juice bubble juice oh my god juice of the bath

wow anyway you put it in now it happens yeah now it happens does it in secondary bath water it's almost like

when have you ever seen someone put cordial in after water in a glass oh what's wrong with him horrible horrible

yeah it never works the bubble juice no bubble juice is actually a kid's version of beetle juice it's not scary oh hey it's gonna be it's gonna be a long episode i'm crying you're already actually crying bubble juice wonderful hey secondhand bath water. The filthy way to recycle. Here's the jingle. The juicy jingle. We had a fight about

the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Mind and Oid.

Hello. Lovely to have you back once again. It is, it is. Hope you're all okay. Hey, can I tell you something that friend of the podcast, Carl Hutchinson, told me the other day. Oh, for fuck's sake. We were on the phone the other day and I don't know where it came from. I've got no idea where it came from. He just went to his he went yeah did you used to do this

thing at school and i went what and he went right it's out in our in our school he went i don't know if it was just my school now i don't think it was his school i think it was just him and i went to his school okay well i can run it past you right he said in his school what would happen is if one of the lads would get up so say you are writing in like a book or you were you know doing your work in like an a4 jotter or whatever one of the lads would stand up and go somewhere in the classroom or go to the toilet or whatever right another lad on that table would stick their hand down their pants pull a massive handful of pubes out and drop it all over their page right and then they'd like get back and be like oh like

but they'll be like oh no that was it sorry apparently if someone else caught them doing it they'd be like oh min or we're like putting pubes on like tom's book so all the lads will come over and they'll just be like a massive pile of pubes ripped out of people's pants onto this lad's book and he'd come back and be like oh no and then carl was like but you ran a risky game because if you were the one who started and you sat right next to them they would just pick the book up and blow them at you. Oh my word. Is that a thing that actually happened

in your school? Right, well one, not amongst my peers. It didn't. He was the year below me. The man I had on this might have been pre-Holy Island,

we're not sure. I was going to say, have these guys just been to Holy Island the whole year? No, it probably happened, that was around the same time as American Pie.

Right, okay. Do you remember the cheese, the pizza? Was that American Pie? I don't know. What film was that where they put pubes under the pizza and you had to eat the pizza? Right, well, A, that wasn't a film. That was Dirty Sanchez where they did it.

No, it was on a film. It was on a film. I think it was, was it Cheese the One? Just Googled it. It was on Cheese All That. Cheese All That. Cheese All That, which was 1999, which was comprehensive. Yeah, I was in year, I think I was on She's All That. She's All That. She's All That, which was 1999, which was comprehensive.

Yeah, I was in year, I think I was in year nine by then. So Carl would have been in year eight, probably full of pubes. So yeah, that probably did happen. It's just the worst thing you've ever said. Carl would have been in year eight full of pubes. Carl is a mature. I got pubed very late. I don't think I'd have had them to spare if someone got up and got out of the class.

Honestly. Were you like, oh, this is disgusting, this game. Oh, yous are filthy. I'm not getting me one cultivated and gelled pube out for this.

I think I am. Some kind of fucking mug. It's got school disco on Friday, man. I'm not wasting me pube. Want to show someone it? Oh, God. They want me one pube.

Yeah, no, that probably did happen at our school. Yeah. Lovely school, but full of pubes. Lovely school, but the cleaner didn't half go through a hoover. Oh, bless her. Constantly getting new hoover, she was. Knackered.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Something dangerous has happened recently. Something dangerous? For the first time in my life. Yeah. Bearing in mind I've had a bank account since I was 11, right? Sure. Started nice and early.

Sure. I've learnt my bank details off by heart. Oh, fuck. I know. Oh, God. Hey, as long as they're not mine. No, they're genuinely mine. I've learnt yours.

That's too many numbers. Yeah, it took us years and years and years to learn them. And what used to happen was what I would find happening is I would be on my laptop buying something on my phone. And then my card would be like the other side of the house in my bag and i'd go and then i'd not buy the thing i don't do that anymore so you've you've learned you haven't learned your bank details you've learned your card details yeah what's your expiry date why i'm not telling anyone you can say your expiry date 2022 right so you've got well you've only got you know a year and a half more of that, and then you're going to have to learn a new one.

Oh, God! I love that you didn't work that out. I didn't think about that. Do you think expiry date is just there for a laugh? It'll expire. They'll send you a new one. It'll be totally different. Oh, you're right.

I can't believe you didn't know that. Oh, man. It's like the long card number. I've learned it by heart. Rosie, I learned my last one, and then I got a new card, and I've never learned it since. No, can they not just like the long card number. I've learnt it by heart. Rosie, I learnt my last one, and then I got a new card, and I've never learnt it since. No.

Can they not just change the last four digits? Oh, it's too complicated. Imagine that call to the fucking... To the bank. I know you're up on fraud and all that, but I literally just want the last number to be changed. Can you go up one? You know how it's like 44 billion...

Can you make it four digits? And one. Can you change that zero to a one? Can you go up one? You know how it's like 44 billion, can you make it four billion? And one, can you change that to zero to a one? Thank you. Oh man, oh well then.

Well, just for the next year and a half, expect a lot of stuff turning up at the store. A lot of stuff already does turn up at the store.

I haven't noticed. I haven't noticed. I just had to do like an hour of recycling before this started. It's fucking ridiculous how much stuff we get sent.

Places love packaging. Honestly. What can you say? Good God. But yeah, ridiculous how much stuff we get sent. Places love packaging. Honestly. What can you say? Good God. But yeah, so that's happened, which is fun. Well done. I'm proud of you. Well done.

Something else which has happened recently, I don't know whether you've noticed this, I put something on my Instagram about it. Robin just wants to wear shorts all the time. He's like a postman. Yeah. No, he is. I'm just worried he's going gonna be one of them blokes

who just wears flip-flops in december walking around the shops and you go what are you doing yeah i am i i do not trust people who just wear short then again my tour manager one of my tour managers reese he wears shorts literally all the time uh paul wears jeans constantly reese wears shorts but like freezing like snow shorts on why? don't know says his legs are always hot which is just weird

maybe that's Robin maybe his legs are he just wants to wear shorts all the time oh yeah no I'm not cool it's very annoying and it's upsetting to be honest

because I'm taking him out and it's free we live in the north east of England it's absolutely bitter cold and he's got shorts on and I think people must think eh that poor kid do you know what I mean

like eh she hasn't cleaned any trousers for that poor kid oh he hasn't that man's got no jogging pants he does

he's got loads he just wants to wear his summer shorts he put his shorts on yesterday and went to a bouncy castle place and he was going down the slides and stuff

and I was like he's going to burn his legs here this is how you burn your legs I've still got burns on my arms off a barbecue

I had bloody ages ago before all this shit I've still got the on my arms off a barbecue I had bloody ages ago before all this shit. I've still got the scars. I mean. I opened the door this morning at the postman and the postman was like, are you alright?

I went, yeah, are you okay? And he went, oh, I'm getting a bit cold for shorts in it and he had his shorts on. And I went, yeah, I went, put some pants on, man. And I'm sure he just went, nah. I'm sure I heard him go, nah.

I was like, alright, then bye. Nah. But they get hot though. That's a hot job. It's a lot of walking. My mum would be good at that job. What, being a postman? Post lady. Post person. Yeah. Post person. Yeah. She would

love that. She just loves a walk. She loves a walk. Yeah. Fit in with a walk. Yeah. Sandra, if you're listening, get a job. I'd love, out of sheer interest, I'd love to see the pedometer of a postman. I know it'd be amazing. I know it sounds really fucking boring thing to say, but I'd love to know how many steps they do postman. I know it sounds a really fucking boring thing to say but I'd love to know

how many steps they do. Loads I bet. Yeah. Do you know I went to the metro centre the other day and I did like 9,000 steps.

It's a lot that. 9,000 steps? Jesus. Get lost. No. Just walk loads. Just walk really far. Isn't that good though?

That's very well done. Thank you. Very good. Don't overdo it though you're pregnant and you haven't mentioned it yet so well done.

Oh well actually Well no. Okay. Thank you. Very good. Don't overdo it though, you're pregnant. And you haven't mentioned it yet, so well done. Oh, well, actually. Oh, shit, the bed. Well, no, okay. Right, you've started. Speaking of that, I've had an email from a couple of people. A couple of people? Yeah. This one says, hi, Ramses.

Me and the wife are currently playing catch up and on episode 85. And every morning we have friendly bets for sexual favours Stop that now. Mancy, filthy bastards. Sorry, I don't want to interrupt you here, Rosie, but I'm going to because stop using our on-the-way baby, I can't even speak. Innocent. Our innocent on-the-way child for your sexual exploits of a morning On the way, baby. I can't even speak. Innocent. Innocent, on the way, child,

for your sexual exploits of a morning when you probably haven't even washed and your breath probably stinks and your saliva probably smells like plaid as well. Rancid, isn't it? Oh, hey, I'm fuming. So he says here, currently I am winning with times roughly under one minute.

Keep it up, guys. And that's from the Parrishes. Well, it'll took a while today. It's took, this is the first time I mentioned you being pregnant. It's took a while. Yeah. So yeah, so hopefully you lost. Yeah, good.

Fuck you, dude. We were just talking about this before the podcast. It was so strange because I'd wrote this in my phone to talk about and you mentioned it at the Kitchen Island this morning. At the Kitchen Island. Where all the conversations happen. Well, the Kitchen Island's very close to my heart, actually,

because I actually surprised all my friends with a trip to the kitchen island, and we all got tested, and we all isolated, and then we all went on the kitchen island and pretended everything was normal. Oh, is this Kim K? No, I wasn't talking about that. Is this what you said, kitchen island?

Is what you said, on the kitchen island, like we live in some kind of small globe, and the kitchen island is a geographical location. It's quite a big island, you think? No, we were chatting about how I went to a supermarket cafe the other day. I do love a supermarket cafe, I'm not going to lie. Do not slag off a supermarket cafe if you're near me.

They are great. Discover them on tour, love them. Yeah, went to one the other day and I said, hello, could I please have a kid's meal for the kid, Robin? great discover them on tour love them yeah went to one the other day uh and i said hello could i please have a kid's meal for the kid yeah robin chicken nuggets chips and peas and i would love a jack of potato with tuna and sweet corn please and to which the lady said yeah that's fine kid's meal's fine but unfortunately we've got no tuna left yeah to which i thought hang on yeah i've always found that weird yeah we're in one of the

biggest supermarkets in South Shields and I've got tuna on my shopping list I've actually got tuna in my trolley that I've locked away would you like to use that

yeah why does that happen I find that so weird it's happened to me in one before what have they run out of it might have been beans you know

I think I was in a one I think I was on the one there's one on the way to Scotland, at Berwick or somewhere, one of the roundabouts, and I was on there. One of the roundabouts. Yeah, it's like a roundabout at Berwick

with like a McDonald's and a supermarket. I can't remember what it is. Okay. And it, yeah, I just, I find that really, you know, like, you know you're in a, you know you're in a room,

a giant, you know you're in essentially a giant warehouse full of produce, and you are the kitchen of that place. What do you mean you've run out? Run out of tuna? You know you've probably got most of the tuna in the postcode within these four walls.

Unless there's a fucking shoal just coming from the North Sea and they're hanging close to the coast. You have six brands of tuna downstairs. You have fresh tuna. You have tin tuna.

You have all the tuna. You've got a fishmonger's counter. Why does that happen? Do you know the tuna within the building is measured in tons in this building? Fuck me. Yeah, that's a really good point. So now it's put me off supermarket cafes a little bit

because now I think, where are you getting your tuna from? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? We make our own tuna substitute. Like, what is your tuna? Horse meat tuna? Yeah. Well, it's the tuna that's not good enough to go on the shelves.

Is it? I don't know. Well, sometimes it always tastes nicer because it's probably the, like, do you know when you get cheap beans but you don't get them in you get them somewhere

and you go these are lush like school beans and you know they're the cheapest beans ever like school cheap beans love them I will always bring you

back to the toast the hot butter toast you get at the hospital when you give birth oh yes when you were pregnant in the hospital probably the cheapest

butter in the world probably the cheapest white bread in the world best toast ever I know we'll get it again soon oh you might not be able to come the way you said

guys again this 100 episode needs to be a video podcast because the smile on your face guys I looked across the table and I just go we'll get it again soon and a massive smile on her face guys i looked across the table i just go we'll get it again soon and a massive smile on the face not about the child but about the toast we're gonna get but we're going to a different hospital this time so you're gonna get the toast for covid you'll not be able to what there's no chance there's no chance i'll be making anyone stop

doing tea and toast i guarantee there's no fucking chance i'll be making anyone toast you probably get a pre-sealed um energy fucking pouch like a froob like what you get when you do the Great North Run or the London Marathon. You'll get a glucose fucking pouch and it'll taste like shit.

I'll probably get a tuna jack potato from the supermarket cafe. I'll pop out and get that for you then bring it in. I'll be so sad if there's no toast.

I was just thinking about this you know speaking of pregnancy against, sorry everyone. You might not be able to come. Yeah.

But I mean, I've always said I've been... Everything's going. I've been to the pub across the road anyway, so it's fine. Yeah, oh, well, great. With all your mates. Yeah, it's my new chauvinist outlook I'm going for. What do you mean? I'll just be at the pub, you know.

Just with the lads. Even though there'll be no lads there. It'll just be me. I'm going. Worried sick. You're going, Robin. I couldn't keep it up. I couldn't keep it up. I couldn't keep it up.

I'd be worried sick. No, my mate's just had a baby and he was allowed in there. My mate's girlfriend's just had a baby and she was allowed in. Okay. So there we go. We'll see come January, though.

We'll see what tier we are, motherfuckers. See what tier we are. Tier 55 by then. They keep adding them, like a fucking Jenga, pulling one out the middle and adding it on top. Ridiculous.

See where we are by January because, hey, you never know. The government might blame us them like a fucking jenga pulling one out the middle and adding it on top ridiculous see see where we are by january because hey you never know the government might blame we're for enjoying christmas it's all your fault so you can have your baby by yourself but i didn't do anything wrong yes you have to give birth in your own garden you have to give birth in your own garden with your thankfully with your own toaster so i'll have it in the van government will provide an extension cord for your toaster good that's it's not all bad it's not bad can't babadoo babadoo babadoo back this is rosie's mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries well i never knew that Fucking hell man

I shit myself there Is it any Halloween Oh Jesus No way Mysteries Mysteries Mysteries Mysteries

Informative Mysteries Mysteries Mysteries Rosie's Mysteries Mysteries Mysteries Hello and welcome back to this week's... Can I speak for everyone there? I shat myself when you did that. Good. I wasn't even looking. I was looking the other way. That was why I did it.

Awful. Awful. Good one this week. All right then. I'll be the judge of that, by the way, but carry on. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My wife is a midwife and whilst training had to go out

and do some community midwifery with expectant and new mothers out in the wild. Right, first of all, midwifery is absolutely an amazing word. Isn't it beautiful? Doesn't it sound mystical? Midwifery. Yeah. Midwifery

with a warlock and a wizard it sounds like a tribe midwifery it is lovely i would like to be a midwife you know i think i'd be quite good at being a midwife um yes i don't know i don't i don't know what your bedside manner would be i feel like your bedside manner would be a bit too harsh. Are you joking? I think I'd be good. No, no. Because you would, the phrase, are you done? You've had your 15 minute pity party

would get pulled out every couple of minutes. 15 minute, that is a long pity party. It's a 10 second pity party. There we go, there we go, there we go. I rest my fucking case.

Yeah, don't suffer fools easily. Yeah. Don't suffer fools easily. No. No. I always think of what my mum told me about my sister when she was giving birth.

And apparently she was horrific. To the point where my mum had to tell her off because she was that rude to the doctors and nurses. And she was being that ridiculous that my mum was like, Kate, you need to pack it in now. Wow, so what was she doing? Just, you know what she's like. This is Kate who used to read the A to Z of medical illnesses before she went to bed. And she used to faint all the time,

to the point that when I was younger, I made a theme tune up of Kate fainting, because me dad used to always have to come and catch her. She used to faint at the top of the stairs, and I would climb over her. Right, right, right. We've not spoke about this. No, we fucking haven't spoke about this.

Okay. First of all, I need to know the frequency, and I need to know all about the fainting and what brought them on. And then we'll move on to the fucking, we'll move on to the theme tune after that. Right, okay. All right, so what do you want to know first?

What brought on her faints and how often was it? Okay, so Kate would faint at the sight of blood. Anyone's blood. Great. She would faint if anyone was talking about anything remotely, like like disgusting or about blood and she would faint if she like knocked herself or anything so you know if you've hurt your funny bone or something and she would faint all the time wow see i had a friend um when i was

when i was growing up i had two lads who i used to knock around with andrew and philip andrew was the older brother and Philip was the younger brother. And Philip had a thing where he would fall over and he'd be absolutely fine and spot on on his rollerblades,

absolutely fine and spot on until the moment he looked and saw any blood coming out of his body. Yeah. And then he would flip out. That was like Kate. Yeah.

Yeah, Kate would just faint. And my dad would always have to... My dad used to catch her quite a lot, which is weird. Because I do remember... Did she stand and wait, like on a film? A little bit. She's very dramatic. Sort of the back of the hand on the forehead

and then just wait until someone's behind them, like a trust fall. She's very dramatic. And Kate was actually really, like, before the times. Do you know on our bed... Not on our bed. On the front of our door she drew a picture of a whale in the sea and it said save the whale so me and my cousins all used

to call us save the whale that was our nickname she'd drawn it herself and she stuck it on the front of our door and she's vegan now right so she was actually well she's like half vegan i don't know half vegan fucking no i think she she drinks, no, she doesn't eat meat anymore. But I think she eats fish still. But she doesn't have dairy. I don't know. Anyway, she's. But she actually, no, but she follows it through.

She's been like that for years. I'm just split down the middle about half. When someone's half, I'm split down the middle about it. It's like, I'll be awkward when I can be arsed. But then again, they're making the effort. No, they're trying. They're making the effort. Yeah, I shouldn't be.

Save the whale. She's got it right. I always just because whenever because it's your sister and it's like just half vegan I'm like alright great so next time I'm putting a spread on

when people are allowed I'm going to have a pain in the arse but that's just me selfishly now we move on to the theme tunes right well I can't remember how the theme tune went

but I did make a poster and I did perform it for my family a poster you made a poster I made a poster it was something I'm going to have to ask her this is amazing I'm going to have to ask her you make a poster and I did perform it for my family. A poster. You made a poster. I made a poster. It was something... I'm going to have to ask her.

This is amazing. I'm going to have to ask her. You made a poster. You performed it for your family. I performed it for the family and it was something like... It was something like, Dad'll catch you. Oh, I'm going to have to bring her. Dad'll catch you. I've never heard of this.

Hello? Hello, it's just me. Hiya. Hi, do you remember when we were younger And I made up that theme tune Of how you used to faint all the time No Oh Okay it doesn't matter

Do you not remember when you used to faint all the time And I made up a song To go with it No In the poster I remember I fainted all the time But I never Dad'll catch you

Dad'll catch you Do you not remember it was something like Dad'll catch you and you'll faint at the top of the stairs and don't worry, Dad'll catch you. Do you not remember? I don't remember this. Oh. Is it a lie or am I going deaf?

Well, no, he probably did make something like that. I was just very selective. Absolutely something you would do. And if it was something I didn't like, I would just ignore it. True. To be fair, that wouldn't have been, you wouldn't have laughed at it then. You would have been really upset. I would have been offended. So I probably just, yeah. Okay.

No, but I don't remember that. Oh, well, anyway. I don't really try and creep us out with those whole flesh things. I used to say flesh all the time. That was fun. Anyway, I just, I couldn't remember, but I'm sure I made up a theme tune. But listen. You probably did.

You get back to saving them whales. They need you. Bye, little. Bye. Bye. Love you. Ring your mum. She'll not remember.

Hello? Hi, Mum. You all right? Hi, yeah. Yeah, you? Yeah, yeah, good. Nid yw hi'n cofio. Helo? Helo, mam. Ydych yn iawn? Ie, ti? Ie, iawn. Gwyd. Rhywbeth rhyfeddol, ydych? Ydych chi'n cofio pan roedden ni'n ifanc ac rydych chi'n gwybod sut roedd Kate yn ffynnu'n holl amser? Ydych chi'n cofio? A fyddai'n gwneud cerdd ar hyn o bryd? Nid wyf yn gwybod. rhywbeth fel, nid ydych yn bwysig, bydd dad yn eich cwrdd.

Nid wyf yn gwybod. Ydych chi'n gwybod. Efallai y byddai wedi'i wneud ond nid wyf yn gallu cofio hynny. Something like, oh, don't worry, Dad will catch you. Oh, I don't know. He lost us. Okay. He might have done that. I honestly can't remember that. Well, obviously it was a shite song. It's definitely something you did. I remember performing it in your bedroom when you and Dad were in bed.

All right, fair enough. Okay, all right. Just wanted to check what day it was, man, yesterday. All right, very well. You probably did. Okay, all right. No, go back. Just wanted to check. Love you. Love you, bye. Bye.

Well, clearly my talents were not appreciated in that house. I mean, I absolutely will not contest the fact that you made it with theme tune, I guarantee it. I mean, I imagine in your childhood you made it with theme tune for most things that happened around the house. I absolutely guarantee you will have performed it for your family. Yeah. Sadly, it's not going to be a number one hit, like your Tropical Island song that you did with your friend. Amazing. So she used to faint.

How did your dad always catch her? Just always caught her. I don't know. I think he knew. I think he could see it coming. Right. She used to go a bit white. Right.

And then he would catch her. And he was like, the faint. I definitely made a song white and then you would catch her. And he was like the faint. I definitely made a song up. These bullshitters. Honestly. There was definitely a song. But you do realise in my house I used to get wrong for whistling in the morning.

What? I used to get wrong for singing all the time. I can see that. Honestly, Rosie, I love your singing. You're a great singer. Nothing more annoying than when the house is nice and quiet and calm and you are just belt and something out

from the other room. Especially when it's something massive and it sounds like you're being hurt. You know, in the first place it sounds like something's,

you've got, like that split second, you're like, someone's screaming. No, she's singing, it's fine. Like, I'm off the deep end.

Yeah, it's horrible. Watchers are diving. I'll never meet the ground. Yeah. I used to do that at half six in the morning. Yeah, so that from the other end of the house is hell on earth.

Anyway, should we crack on with this? Yeah, go for it. Hi Rosie and Chris. My wife is a midwife and whilst training had to go out and do some community midwifery with expecting new mothers

out in the wild. Great. That makes it sound like she's catching them like Pokemon Go. Yeah. It does. What, the babies? No, there's a pregnant woman around Go. Yeah, it does. What, the babies? No, there's a pregnant woman around here.

Oh, look, there's one in this undergrowth. Quick, go in. She's five centimetres. Go. Well done. That was knowledgeable. Good for you. I know my shit.

On one such shift, she visited a mother who had given birth a few days earlier and was having issues breastfeeding due to inverted nipples which the baby could not latch onto. Aww. I was going to make a joke about you're late but then you went really sad. Oh no, no, no. I couldn't breastfeed with Robin and I was devastated. My nipples weren't inverted, they were just too small.

Okay. Like, do you know the actual, like my nipples have got bigger, the circumference area like the areola is massive. If you've just joined us, you are here live on the Rosie's Nipple Chat on Chagmai Uninnovated. Circumference, diameter will be discussed. Get your notepads ready. Think the top of a glass is about the size of my nipple right now. But the actual nipple itself, I don't know what that's called.

Tiny. Tiny, like a little nubbin. That's why. It was rubbish if you put that compared with teat I've seen my friends breastfeeding right

the nipples are massive literally I've seen a baby put a nipple in its mouth and I'm like aye that's good to suck on mine terrible

like AK-47 bullets just shite proper shite so no I meant the good ones are like AK-47 bullets massive long I don't know what

why do I know why don't you play Call of Duty man why are you so shit we've got nothing in common I absolutely don't know what an AK-47 bullet looks like

shout out to the lads out there who got that AK-47 bullet reference I've got you brothers bullshit I don't want to know what one looks like anyway sorry

nipples were inverted and it's a bit shit so bless her she couldn't get the baby to latch on bless her on this particular visit both the baby to latch on. Bless her. On this particular visit, both my wife and her mentor midwife entered the house with paperwork and equipment in tow to check on the health of baby and mother,

only to be greeted by a very happy mum, explaining that she had figured out how to solve her issue and asked if they wanted to see how this problem had been resolved. Both said, yeah, great, and as luck luck would have it the baby was due a feed i've got it i love i love love you people who write in because this person has put i bet you can't guess how it was solved so this is the bit where you need to guess this This was a mystery. I've got it already. Okay. Vacuum cleaner. Carry on.

Oh, good guess. So you think she's took a vacuum cleaner onto her nipple. I think she's literally stuck a vacuum cleaner on her nipple and pulled it out. Okay. Yeah. Right. You're wrong. Oh, no! Oh, a husband had a go.

No, listen. Right. The mother ushered her husband into the room whilst proceeding to expose her breast, inverted nipple and all. At this stage, both midwives started to feel a little unsure and their fears were realised as her husband leant down and took his wife's nipple in his mouth and started to suck. All while the mother maintained eye contact with the now shocked midwife. That's the best bit. Like, look at... Look what I'm doing.

Literally, like, he's fucking siphoning fuel out of a stolen car in a film. Yeah, basically. Great. And the midwives, who had to maintain a steely and professional demeanour whilst watching a man stimulate his wife's nipples into being erect,

thereby solving the issue of inversion. Both fell about laughing afterwards, once out of the air shot of a happy couple, and let's be honest, the baby now had a nice meal. Fair enough. Absolutely. Yeah, Jesus. They just weren't sure they needed to witness the act

when a simple description would have been suffice. Such a good point. Why did she have to show them do you know like look at this come here check this out oh yeah no all right love i'm going to work no steve you can't go work we've got to show them can you not just can you not just tell them no no i want to show them i'm dead proud come here them, no, no, I want to show them. I'm dead proud. Come here. Would you do that for me? You're going to have to explain what he did exactly. So he... So he had to stimulate a nipple.

So he just had to go first. Yeah. And get it going. Now, by stimulating nipples, do you mean like get her excited or do you mean he just fucking like went... I think he just like hoovered them out. Would I do that?

Do I have to drink the milk? Well, it would probably come out. Right. At the same time. Can I spit it in your face afterwards? Spit it in the baby's face? Yeah, fair enough then. Waste not, want not.

Son, son, open up. Ah, you missed. Who's that at the door? waste not one nod son son open up ah you missed who's that at the door it's just the social services I'll grab it it's terrible out of all

honestly out of all the things we've ever said in 88 episodes that might be up there with one of the worst things what there's something

really horrible about about spitting milk from into a baby's face. It's really, really grim. I'm sorry, have you ever seen a penguin feed its young? Yeah, fair enough. Vile. Like, absolutely vile. Do you remember watching the...

It was David Attenborough one time. Yeah. And it was the penguins feeding the baby penguins. Robin's like, what are they doing? I was like, I don't know. It's how they feed the kids. Just vomit the food back up. He was like, oh.

Yeah, it's disgusting. Tis nature. Oh, God, yeah. I suppose it's similar. Very similar. I mean, let's not, but that's fine. Thank you, though. I'm glad you didn't just go outright no. I'm glad that you didn't just go outright no.

I'm glad that you thought about it. No, no, I have to help, yeah. Rosie, genuinely, all jokes aside, I would have done anything to help you the first when you were trying to get Robin to feed. It's so weird, because the lady came around, the breastfeeding lady, and she was upstairs with you for like an hour and a half.

You were crying, Robin was crying, I'm sure she was crying because she was just sick. And it took like an hour and a half, and you were like, he's latched on, yay! And I was like, well, what about next time? And surely enough, next time he didn't, because just sick. And it took like an hour and a half. And you were like, he's latched on, yay! And I was like, well, what about next time? And surely enough, next time he didn't. Because it was like, it took fucking an hour and a half of hell on earth. I have learned since that I think my milk hadn't come in properly.

Got you. Which when you're a first time mom, people kind of say, oh, your milk will come in. And you go, what does that mean? Yeah. You don't have any idea. So I had an emergency C-section. And I think, I don't know whether my body was like in shock and I just don't have any idea so i had an emergency c-section and i think i don't know whether my body was like in shock and i just don't think my milk came in because a week

later um i was in the shower and it was just squirting every week later i was like fucking cornflakes advert around here guys should have seen it but by then trying to get robin to suck on my tiny little tit compared to his massive bottle nipple thing. He was like, what the fuck's this? No, I'm all right, thanks. You know what I mean? It's like going from a man with a really large penis to a man with a really small penis and you go, excuse me,

this is not satisfying at all. Do not like you bringing penises into this analogy. Well, that's all I'm going to say. Abort, abort the analogy. Abort it. Hello, it's the social service again. Where they are again. just wrapping on the window there be with you in a

minute just gotta talk really horribly about the kids be with don't go anywhere I think we've

lost our minds I think we've lost our minds well I'm glad we lost that before we're children yes there we go

mine's first mine's first 2020 Well, I'm glad we lost that before we're children. Yes, there we go. Mine's first. Mine's first. 2020. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth.

Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what?

Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. We'll see you next time. behind. So who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks

at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello Chris! Oh who's this? Hello Chris it's Barry alright son?

It's actually Barry you're back Barry hello I'm just ringing dead quick Hi I seen on Twitter Seen that yous are doing merchandise Yes And I'd love a hoodie please Cool get on the website

So if you just send it to me Barry Beef Beef Lane Beef Shield NA NA34BFG. Thank you. And I'll expect that. Thank you very much. I'll have an extra, extra small.

I'm a petite man. Just go on the website, like everyone else. Sorry, Chris. I don't know whether you know this but you're using my name Right It's very common on the branding I'd love you

to try and prove that mate It's very very common Beef What's your beef? It's just Just thought thought my

get like You know your surname is like a meat the name of a meat that is widely sold everywhere Do you kick it off in the butchers when you see

beef written down Do you want money for that as well do you? I just thought it'd be nice. Nope. That's all. So none of the family get a key.

The ma wanted a wine glass. Nope. The last thing your ma needs is a wine glass, I'll tell you right now. I support her. Right. Last thing she needs is a wine glass. To be fair, she probably just tripped on the bottle.

You know what this one's like? You're not getting a hoodie, you're getting a T-shirt. That'll do. That'll do. I guess can't be choosers. All right. Okay, thank you.

Birch is available on the website. What was that address again? It's... Exactly. What was that exact address again? It's Barry Beef Avenue. No, sure there's a lane. Beef Street.

No. Down the Beef. Beef Patty Beef Beef Patty NA34BFG Beef Friendly Giant Thank you Merch is available for all Thank you

So when she hasn't queued up a noise of a phone going dead she tries to do the noise of the phone going dead and she still up a noise of a phone going dead she tries to do the noise of the phone going dead and she still does the noise of the phone going dead

in the accent of whichever fucking spurious character she was just doing so there we go merch is available alright yeah good

is that right is that the right address oh just fucking hell yeah man Jesus just google it I always find it do you not just

find it weird whenever I'm watching TV or anything and they're like and they're like and please you know go to the website

and check this out and they say like the website word for it just fucking just Google it just open your computer and just

Google the thing if you can't find it fuck me oh welcome to 2020 I've had honestly Google it or whatever

you know if you can't don't worry don't buy it just leave it Jesus alright sick of it my beef with you this week Google it or whatever. If you can't, don't worry. Don't buy it. Just leave it. Jesus. Yeah.

All right. Sick of it. My Beef With You this week. Oh, wow. Straight in. This has been ongoing. This has been ongoing. I may have mentioned this before,

but I don't even know if I have it. If I have, I want to bring it back up and revisit it. If I haven't, because I think I've been too scared in the past, but I'm feeling brave. Wow. Have bravery.

Have bravery. I'm feeling like I want to bring that big shout out to Staff Let's Flats. It's getting a series three on channel four. We all need it. We all need it. Oh God, yeah. I want to tell you right now,

I'm sick of this. I feel like it's double standards and I'm fed up. As I say, I may have mentioned it, but I'm not sure. All right. When I have Robin for the day, when it's just me and him, when you're doing something

and I've got to have Robin, I've got to take Robin somewhere, I've got to have Robin. It's strict instruction from you it's water veg fruit no sweets no toys no magazine don't buy him anything don't let him have anything make sure he's exercising it's like I'm taking the poor little fucker to a boot camp for the day when you've got him it's the land of milk and honey it's like fucking home alone to lost in New York you're buying a magazines you're giving them, it's the land of milk and honey. It's like fucking Home Alone 2, lost in New York.

You're buying them magazines. You're giving them toys. He's fucking having ice creams. He's watching his iPad. You're throwing money at him. Just, Robin, hold this bucket. Here's all this money off your mom. Yay.

Oh, your dad's got it. Chris, don't let him look at any sugar. If you let him look at some sugar tomorrow, I'll kill yous both. I'm sick of it have you noticed you do this maybe I don't know

I'm sick of it Chris listen I'm a working girl now right finally got some money in the bank right gonna treat me a little bane you know what I mean

I don't know that's bullshit yeah I have noticed I do it. You do it. Sick of it. Only recently, only during COVID times. No, no. Because I'm miserable.

This has been happening a while. We're all miserable. I could go back through my notes and find that this was first noted down by me a while ago. Was it really? It is. It's just like, you can't take this. What's he had? Has he had any veg?

Where's they? Oh, I've got it tomorrow. So we're just going to, I'm not going to have any three square meals. We're just going to turn on a chocolate fountain in the morning and strap his fucking face to it he's gonna drink that all day because he's with his ma'am

fed up anyone email in if your partner does this this is ridiculous fed up this is ridiculous you're being really

over the top no it isn't you're you're London Rosie I'm taking him to the shop today I've got to go and get some shopping

is that alright if I get him like a little magazine or something no he's had loads no don't he's had loads I've got more

I'm buying him a fucking car sick of you it's bullshit I'm actually calling bullshit nah you do I'm exaggerating

for comic effect but you do you do fair enough we'll talk about this later there you go babadoo babadoo talk about this later. There you go. My beef with you this week.

So for those of you who don't know, Chris is doing a show at the moment, Little Mix of Search, which is great. BTW, very good. Saturday night, prime time. That's right. He's also hosting Children in Need this year, which is extremely exciting.

One of the four hosts of Children in Need. Which is amazing. A bloody honour, may I say. And I'm very proud of you. You cried when I told you. Yeah, I'm just glad that you're finally getting recognised. I sat down on a bin when I found out, just so you all know. Oh, good.

I was busy cleaning out the motorhome on the drive. Okay. And the phone wasn't set, I had it. And I said, I'm going to have to sit down. And I sat down on a bin. On the bin. Our bin? Yeah, on our bin.

It's minging. Yeah. Right. Anyway, it's got nothing... I'm not taking away from the fact that I'm going to have to sit down. And I sat down on a bin. On the bin. Our bin? Yeah, on our bin. It's minging. Yeah. Right. So anyway, it's got nothing. I'm not taking away from the fact that I'm proud of you. I think you've worked really hard and you're finally getting your recognition you deserve. Thank you. The thing I've got the beef with at the minute is, I don't know if you've noticed, but you've

started calling yourself Mr. Saturday Night and or Mr Primetime that's right baby and it's disgusting it's absolutely disgusting listen no haters gonna hate no

you need to stop you need to stop it because it's gonna nobody's gonna you're doing it as a joke at the minute in the house and I can tell and you're like

oh here comes Mr Saturday Night talking about yourself in the third person that's when I announce myself in the room yeah you're gonna you're gonna slip and you're gonna do it some way right and someone's not gonna realize that you're taking the piss and they're gonna think he's a he's

a moron that man i have that i've had that problem in my life for a long time yeah i get far too familiar with people straight away and i start doing jokes um and i i yeah no i think you're right you know what it is if you but if you changed the code on your phone, by the way, to get in your phone? No, I haven't. A bit weird. I would be suspicious that you'd change it. You might be hiding something,

but I honestly think you've changed it so that I can't go in and change my name on your phone to Mr. Saturday Night, because I have tried to do that. No, you haven't. The code wasn't working. I'm a bit suspicious. I don't know what you're doing.

I haven't changed my code. Christmas is coming up, so I imagine that's why you've changed it. I might have pressed it wrong. It probably, no, I mean, it it probably no I mean it could be Christmas or it could be me or their boyfriend and you dropped it

in the bathroom that day which is good that might be why the code isn't working that's probably why yeah I am totally joking when I say that around the house

but yes anyone listening now who is a friend of mine who has my number please do change my name in your phone to Mr Primetime or Mr Saturday Night

because that is all I'm going to be responding to now absolutely vile absolutely vile like I'd love to say it hasn't got his Saturday Night because that is all I'm going to be responding to now. Absolutely vile. Absolutely vile. I'd love to see it on his head. Oh, I'm joking. I'm just excited. Tell you what though, talking about being too familiar with people and doing the wrong jokes,

I literally did this last week when I did the Little Mix show. So the bands come off and the bands have each got their own sort of people to look after them. Chaperones. Yeah, they'll have chaperones and people on got like their own sort of people to look after them so you know they'll have like chaperones

yeah they'll have like chaperones and people on the on the production team who sort of specifically look after that band so since September the the instrument band

the instrument band I mean the fact that you don't know the names Chris no no I do they're called since September

I don't know what the category was it was vocal and instrument I think it was the fucking four lads since September I know the know what the category was. It was vocal and instrument I think it was. The fucking four lads. Since September. I know the name of the band you dick. I missed a Saturday night

how dare you. Slash missed a prime time. They sort of come off and the band sit on the side kind of almost like hotel sort of balconies around the pool. They're all on the little side bit.

And one of the lads was shouting at someone like trying to get someone's attention he was right at the other end so it must have been his chaperone he was right there in the studio because of social distance in the studio it's fucking gargantuan it's huge yeah this guy was miles away and he's called me the lad in the band it was the northern lad with the long hair he was going me bottle's near the door it's on the floor near the door and he said it three or four times i looked up i went i went are you talking to him over there and he went yeah he went i went i'll go over and at first because i'm the host of the show he was like no no you don't have to i was like no i'll go and tell

him don't worry i went what do you want us to tell him that your bottle's on the floor near the door and he went yeah so i walked over and there was this like chaperone like roadie tech kind of guy standing there with a cap on looking at me and he went oh thanks for coming over mate and i went over and i just went yeah he says you're a cunt and he went oh and i went no he says the bottle's on the floor and it's okay and he walked off and i went back over and i went oh is he okay that guy your chaperone guy is he all right and he went yeah he's a nice lad i went because i've just like for a joke said that you call him a cunt and he just stared at us uh i'm really worried i've offended him and he came over later on and i was like how did you do, I've offended him, and he came over later on, and I was like,

how did you do these things, I don't know, I was too excited, but he came over, and he was laughing, he was like, no, no,

it was fine, but yeah, it was that moment, where I was like, yeah, I shouldn't have done, not the C-ball, you know what'll happen,

not the first thing you say, to someone, the C-ball, you know what'll happen then, he'll have gone, and told someone else, and said, that Chris Ramsey,

he just said something, really inappropriate, and they'll have went, he's really inappropriate, just ignore him, cool, and take really inappropriate and their love went, he's really inappropriate. Just ignore him. Cool. And take it and, you know,

whatever. Yeah. Slagged you off. Yeah, well that's fine because it's not going to go back to biting him in the arse

because I don't, I don't answer to Chris Ramsey anymore. Oh God. Chris Ramsey was really inappropriate. Who? The guy over there

who was really inappropriate. He said the C word. Who? Chris Ramsey. Who? The guy that, oh do you mean Mr. Saturday Night Live? Yeah, Mr. Saturday Night the C word. Who? Chris Fancy. Who? The guy that... Oh, do you mean Mr. Saturday Night? Yeah, Mr. Saturday Night.

Ah, okay, here we go. I'm sorry, but you... Dermot O'Leary is Mr. Saturday Night. Don't you even try. How dare you! Coming for you, Dermot. He's my Mr. Saturday Night. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. That was Rosie's COVID briefing impression. She's bringing the tone down there. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch at shagmaroonanordy at gmail.com, please keep sending your funny stories, your dilemmas, your workplace polls, your would-you-rathers, all of those things, your Rosie's mysteries, everything.

Any complaints, please send them to imamassiveshithead at gmail.com. And they will not be responded to. Just before we get started, I did get an email saying, Hello, me and my mum love your podcast and I have a funny story I would like to share with you. It would be really helpful if you could tell me where to submit our story. If it is by email, could you let me know when you can? Thank you. Brilliant.

She emailed that to the email. To the place where you send the stories. So if that's where you... If you're listening and you send that email, babes, that's where you send the email. Got you. So I look forward to getting that. There it is. I think it'll be hilarious.

There it is. I'm going to tell you now, I think it'll be shit. That is like driving through the drive-in at McDonald's and asking where the drive- it is. I'm going to tell you now I think it'll be shit. That is like driving through the drive-in at McDonald's and asking where the drive-in is. Yeah. And then leaving. God. Canny. It's not canny. It's stupid. No. No, it's stupid.

You're stupid. Person who emailed that, you're stupid. Don't send your story. I don't want to hear it. Stop it. No, no, no. Well, Panda, it's too much. I'm sick of it. I've had enough. Not us. Just this. I didn't have it. I've had enough. Not us. Just this. Just, oh. I didn't have it emailed and I didn't understand that

and I'm angry. Oh, well, I'll just explain that. No, this is it. Okay, then. Fine. Fuck off. Yeah. That was from Mr. Saturday Night himself.

That was from Mr. Saturday Night himself. Hey, guys. We're recording on a Wednesday so I can be an arsehole. Saturday night. You're getting a little more professional. Oh, Saturday night. Hell a more professional response oh Saturday night hell

oh ho ho hey Mr Squeaky Cleeton even though we're pre-recorded on a Friday I don't think you're allowed to say that

no I am allowed to say that yeah the final's live the final's gonna be live when the final's on the Little Mix final I will be officially Mr Saturday Night

oh great look forward to watching that on me own yeah oh when you have a oh wait you me own yeah oh when you have a oh wait you can't yeah no when you have your friends

oh no you can't yeah could watch it in the park you could watch it in the park on the phone I get a projector put up in the park and you can all go around

and watch it Mr Saturday Night hey Mr Saturday Night he makes things happen am I Mr Saturday Night no no it doesn't work via marriage

it's like you know how the Queen's married to Philip but he's Prince Philip he he's not King Philip. Same thing. Well, what about Mr. and Mrs. Claus? They're not real. Yes, they are. Neither is Mr. Saturday Night.

You're sitting opposite him. Shut up, you're bleeding it dry. At the best, you're on Mrs. Tuesday morning. At best. At the best, you are Mrs. Tuesday Morning. At best. Mrs. Is it Peter, dear? That's me.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. When I was about 10 years old, me and my best friend were walking around the block of our estate. Two sisters, in brackets, busybodies slash know-it-alls of the street, came up to us and said there had been a man spotted in the street attempting to abduct children. Not wanting them to have one up on us, I said, yeah, we know, he's already tried to kidnap me. Gee whiz.

So off they went. About half an hour later they came back Your mum wants you I asked why They said they had told my brother about the attempted kidnapping And he had told my mum Brilliant Now I could do one of two things Tell the truth and say I had made it all up

Oh god Not an attractive option As I knew I'd get into trouble for making something like that up. Or, two, just go along with the lie and try to play it down. I went with the latter. Oh, try to play it down. I got home and my mum asked me why I didn't tell our babysitter, because my mum was at work at the time of the supposed incident.

I said I didn't want to worry her. Following a barrage of questions, I proceeded to describe that the man was a white man with a B.Ed. check shirt and jeans in a white van. Nailed it. That's really good. I believe that. I believe that big time.

Can you see him? I can see him. My mum then called the police. Fuck. Loads of kids and parents were all gathered in the street. Meanwhile, me and my friend never said a word to each other. She must have been thinking, what the actual fuck? Oh my God.

The police arrived and I continued to spout this utter bullshit to them, adding bits to the story as I went along. The following day, the police came into school to do an assembly about stranger danger. Oh, my word. I actually started to believe it a little bit. Maybe it did happen? Anyway, suffice to say, they never did catch him.

Wow, no. I finally told my mum when I was 14 years old. She did see the funny side. Did she? Because I don't think I would have. I wouldn catch him. Wow. No. I finally told my mum when I was 14 years old. She did see the funny side. Did she? Because I don't think I would have. I wouldn't have. I think I would have went absolutely off it. Totally.

So, my question to you both is, have you ever told a little white lie that snowballed out of control? And that's from Kez. I don't think I have, right? However, weirdly when you read this, what popped into my mind was when me and my mates used to play out on my estate

where my mum and dad lived, where I grew up. You know what? The more I think back, we were right little tossers in that street. We were always kicking a football around. We were always banging stuff and breaking stuff. I remember once they put, it was a nice estate as well,

and they put, have you ever seen where they're considering putting a speed camera? So they put them two rubber, they put the two rubber fucking wires across the road we like pulled them up out of the road and stuff yeah well like assholes probably bad and um the the the neighbors used to always complain about one stuff and me mate's mom to try and put the shits up were said that one of the neighbours had told her, oh, we've got a camera in the top window

and we've filmed loads of stuff that they did to put the shits up were. Love it. Good idea, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Wrong. One of the mums phoned the police, said there could be like a paedophile ring and stuff

and the police came round and were asking them about this camera and they were like, what fucking camera? And she had to admit that she just said it to shit everyone up. Oh, that's juicy. So, yeah.

So, there was that. That's all I can think of. No. I don't think I've ever... I used to lie quite a lot when I was little. But I think that's just like an actress thing. Really? Just a drama thing.

I think it was just a... Never about anything terrible. Just little things to make something sound more dramatic. Yeah, yeah. But what this made me think of was um did you know that my granddad jimmy got questioned for the yorkshire ripper murders no i did not do you not remember when that bloke the mackam bloke um we aside jack the we aside jack yeah my granddad was from sunderland and he got questioned for it.

What? Because I think, I don't know why they did it. Because he was a Maccom, yeah. That's really, sorry, because he was a Maccom? Is that true? Is that true? See, God, am I allowed, is that true? Have your parents lied to you about that? I don't know.

I'll ring me Nana. Pass the phone. Your family's ridiculous, by the way. Hi, Rosie. Helo, Nana. Mae'n mi. Nana, yn gyflym iawn. Mae'n ffodus iawn, yn iawn. Ond a ydych chi'n cofio...

A? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio?

A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? A ydych chi'n cofio? What happened? Well, they found out it was like a Sunderland person who had wrote a letter saying he was the ripper and everything, you know? Yeah.

So they were going around telling everybody, they were getting binges off people from Sunderland, from all over the place, interviewing everybody. So they come to our house and I said, he's not in, he's at work. He's off murdering. I said, he's at work. So by the time that he says, right, we'll see him, we'll come back. But I didn't realise in this time frame,

I had shifted to Dean Road. So I had to find what was the fun for at Dean Road it was a Sunday morning Jimmy and I were at Novartown and there was no one that's amazing so he said we're coming back at D.D. Holmes

so they came back and he had to write the letter what this prankster had written. And he had to write it out twice. Oh, wow. But I had the original access to the message, you know, where we go to Yorkshire. I said, we'll go... They mean he sincerely works on the market.

So he had to take the van back for me. He's got a country father. He knows you. Wow. They've probably had you top of the list. Wow. Was me gran and I digging you in the back of the... Wow. Love it. I was just wondering. We're just recording the podcast and we're talking about, we were just talking about it and I was saying, I'm sure my grandad was questioned.

Amazing. So yeah, class. Thanks, Nana. Was, yes. Love you. Another coffee evening laugh about it. She went, you nearly put him in jail. Tell him you've got to be yours.

Class. Love it. All right, well. Okay, Sarah. I'm going to go and get my coffee. about it she'd let you nearly put him into you tell him you've got to be yours love it alright well love you bye love you

bye that is fucking amazing how are we 88 episodes in and we're still getting content like that from

your absolutely nuts family you've got me idea just a paraphrase there for anyone who can't understand the the phone quality uh or you know or the accent of bridget there so basically to get a background of the story so when when the yorkshire ripper was happening

some guy from up here i think he did a phone recording as well but he wrote a letter claiming to be the yorkshire ripper a few of them yeah he wrote yeah wrote a letter claiming to be the Yorkshire Ripper a few of them yeah he wrote a letter wrote letters claiming to be the Yorkshire Ripper and then did a voice recording as well so I mean first of all I don't know why

they were just asking everyone from Sunderland which seems fucking crazy there's a lot of people in Sunderland crazy but they must have I don't know

narrowed it down or whatever so they go to your nana's house and they ask about your grandad Jimmy and she basically tells them oh no he's, oh, no, he's at work. Yeah. But before Tammy's at work, goes on, they say, oh, we're going to ask about the Yorkshire Ripper thing.

And she's like, we go to Yorkshire all the time. We've got family in Yorkshire. We've got multiple connections in Yorkshire. I'm sure she mentioned something about a van there as well, which is great. But not just that. They visited the house yeah and then they moved

so they visited the police said we'll be back and then they shifted so they literally were like right top of the list here guys we've got a fella here he's from Sunderland

his accent matches we haven't got his handwriting yet but you know he's got connections to Yorkshire and he's just we're knocked to the door and lads you'll not believe it he fucking moved house

the next day we've got the bastard that's amazing and he had to hand write a letter he fucking moved house the next day. We've got the bastard. That's amazing. And he had to handwrite a letter. He had to write word for word what they'd written. He had to handwrite it twice so they saw the handwriting.

Ah, Rosie. Rosie, hey. Fucking hell. That is, that could have been the greatest Rosie's mystery ever. I know, shit. Incredible.

See, if you prepared them. If I prepared and if I had a good enough memory, because I knew there was something, but then I just thought, was that true? But yeah, Bridget, oh, there's so many stories, man. Are you kidding me? That was amazing.

So many stories. Amazing. Yeah. That's amazing. Just to clarify, it wasn't me granddad. Do you result? Do you result? No, it was a bloke called John Samuel Humble,

and I think he's in prison. Oh, no, he's dead. Sorry. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Listening to your recent podcast and the gripes that Chris has over your pregnancy pillow has been making me laugh and I thought

I would share my poor hobbies and unfortunately my daughter's experience of it. When I was pregnant with my son, I bought an oversized pregnancy pillow, which I instantly fell in love with and continued to use to support feeding my son then when that stage passed i continued sleeping with much to my husband's

annoyance as he complained it was like having another body in the bed it is and i mean i've got to say i had a quick turn in yours the other day i believe a lot of me hate comes from jealousy yeah because it's really fucking comfortable. Yeah, it is nice. And we did a radio show recently and we're talking to someone on the radio and they said that apparently it's actually... Chris Evans.

Chris Evans, yeah, said that apparently you listen to something and it's actually good to do. It's really good for your hips and stuff. Yeah, so you're welcome. I might get one. Over time, the cover for the pillow, which had been washed countless times, started to fade and go a washed out grey white.

My husband saw this as an opportunity to suggest maybe it was time to throw the pillow out as he refused to buy another cover for it as it was nearly the same price as a new one. But I had got used to sleeping with the other man in my bed and didn't want to give him up so decided to remove the pillow cover and carry on using it time rolled on and my daughter was born and the pillow had a use again other than sleeping with me and acting as a giant contraceptive bubble fort that kept my hubby at arm's length a giant contraceptive bubble fort it's true great um it is at this point in the story that looking back on it, I can see that I may have had a problem. By this time, my beloved cover, less pillow, had the inevitable stains of baby spit mixed with drool,

mine and the baby's, along with fake tan smears and the hairy bobbled cotton balls of an old age along with random stains which were of unknown origin. It had a rather distinct smell too. That didn't bother me but my husband complained that the man in the bed was now starting to look

and smell rotten. To give context to the age of my pillow, at this point my son is now eight and my daughter is about to be six. That's fucking disgraceful. I knew something was coming. I've been sitting.

I am raging was coming. I've been sitting. I am raging. Eight. My daughter had grown very attached to the pillow too, as by this point it was like a shared snuggle blankie that she and my son have grown up with, and much to my annoyance, had started stealing it through to her room in the middle of the night. Wow.

This has caused some arguments over who gets to sleep with the rotten, smelly man at night. Great. Wow. Great. Great. Huh! teddies so i was completely blindsided the other day when i went to collect her from school and the teacher asked if she could have a word expecting the usuals of miriam's been talking too much or has had a bump today etc etc things took an awkward turn when the teacher raised concerns over miriam talking about wanting a rotten smelly man to sleep in her bed for her birthday oh great oh kids will absolutely do you with that cue the extremely awkward explanation that no she didn't actually mean a rotten smelly man but she was actually talking about my eight-year-old

pregnancy pillow wow it was only then that i realized by the not very well hidden look of disgust on the teacher's face that we should have called it something other than the rotten smelly man and b the time would come to get rid of the other man in my bed wow so what an explanation that is yeah i've got to talk your daughter's been talking about having a man a rotten smelly man so they were really concerned oh no that's just the name of the disgusting eight-year-old putrid, crusted, stained,

disgusting fucking Petri dish of a shit tip probably where COVID started pillow that I've been wrapping me manky legs around and sweating into

and drooling onto every single night for eight fucking years. Two years short of a decade because I'm a pig. Disgusting. Yeah.

Awful. I know. Well, I actually, I was thinking about mine the other night. I need to wash the cover. Just because. I'd had a bath, right? In my defence, I'd had a bath. Right.

But none of me pyjama bottoms fit as anymore. Right. So I had to wear nightie for bed. Oh, fuck. Without any knickers. Oh, God. And it was wrapped around my crotch. Oh, God.

I know. So. Oh, gee whiz. I know. Snail trail. Oh, God. And it was wrapped around my crotch. Oh, God. So. Oh, gee whiz. I know. Snail trail. Oh, God. Getting your suckers on it, haven't you? Octopus.

Squid's mouth. I do love it. Squids have got beaks, actually. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My ex-boyfriend was really into cars etc and was always getting up early to clean out his car slash wash his car

I realise now, and probably did then how very very boring our relationship was Straight in So cold That was so fucking cold If we weren't going to an area about 300 miles away to view a new car, we'd be going to Halfords or somewhere equally as boring to buy some sort of cleaning product for one of his many cars.

You can't slag them off because you went and sat in a fucking tent while someone went fishing. So you can't slag this lass off. I'm not with him anymore though, am I? But neither is she. Anyway. One day when I was at his, he decided to spring on me

that he wanted to go to a car meet. Just put in brackets. How embarrassing. Sorry, what's a car meet? This is what they call it. When, you know dickheads who just love their car more than they love anything else in the world. Like they hate their job, but they only go so they can pay for their car more than they love anything else in the world.

Like, they hate their job, but they only go so they can pay for their car. We know, we know. They exist. They meet up places to show their cars off. So it's not an organised event. Is this just when they go to a car park, like Fast and the Furious?

Yeah, pretty much. Okay, good, good, good. So there'll be a Facebook page. Oh yeah, 100%. There'll be a North East car meet up thing yeah but it won't be this is going to annoy you it won't be car meet up it'll be down

it'll be sectioned down into the make of car so it'll literally be like okay like certainly do you have a Renault Espace is it modified we're meeting at the beach

at 8 o'clock on Tuesday well basically yeah so this is where they were going and I had to come along I was furious. And now, when I look back, I can't believe I went along with it.

Anyway, when we got there, there were loads of kids. They can only be described as kids, with their Ford Fiestas, thinking they were cool. Got you. I flat out refused to get out of the car because, A, I was the only female there. Of course you were. Obviously. And, B, I know fuck all about cars. My ex-boyfriend had a really fancy sports car.

So his, I suppose, was the most interesting car there. That's why he's going to them. Is that it? That's why he's going to them. That's it. You'll go to the shit ones as well. You'll go to like, there might be like brackets. Like, you know, if you're buying a telly on Curry's or something

and you choose your price bracket, it can be like 100 to 500 pounds. I can think oh yeah yeah he's on the show but he's on the shit his facebook groups for like three-door hatchback turns up all right turns up in a fucking tv on goes oh sorry i'm at the wrong one well anyway look at me cars and shiny don't look at my dick it's tiny anyway that is that is that is slander. That's not fair. Don't. What? Everyone with men cars do not have tiny penises. That's not nice. That's not nice.

I'm actually in a Facebook group that tries to disprove this. We'll meet up with the men's toilets with rulers. And with car keys. And pictures of our cars, yeah. Every Wednesday morning. So, time passes

and he's off out in his little car showing everyone next thing I know I wake up to a load of faces peering into the car she went to keep she went to keep in the car I had been asleep

near enough the whole time and my ex-boyfriend had actually let everyone look in at me I felt very vulnerable oh my goodness me can you imagine that wow so they were trying to look at that ice and they actually saw her what's the ice looking at me, I felt very vulnerable. Oh my goodness me. Can you imagine that? Wow. So they were trying to look at that ice

and they actually saw her. What, the ice? Oh, Rosie. Oh, Rosie, you're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself. You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Looking at the modified car, looking into the windows at the ice, looking under the boot at the ice. No. The in-car entertainment.

Oh, right. That's right. They have that no the in car entertainment oh right that's right they have that on the plane that's right who read hands up if you read Max Power when you were younger

me hands up don't know what it is my question to you is have you ever fallen asleep somewhere you probably shouldn't have that's our question that's our question

ooh have I fallen asleep somewhere I probably shouldn't have I tell you what I don't like falling asleep where I probably shouldn't have I tell you where I don't like falling asleep where I find very I find it very uncomfortable

round the pool on holiday you do that a lot and then you snow and after a week you're up it's very embarrassing yeah but then I wake up and I'm like

what have you all been doing while I've been asleep here and vulnerable have you all been over putting your like tiddlers on me legs and that I mean I was laying

next to you the whole time yeah well I always put your tiddler on me legs do you know what I mean I next to you the whole time I always put your tiddler on me leg do you know what I mean I feel like everyone's like tea bagged us and stuff

monkey what about you I've never really fallen asleep somewhere I shouldn't have other than you know nightclub toilets that used to happen

all the time oh yeah yeah we've talked about that that's in the book some of my best sleeps ever were when I worked at Ponton's

and we used to have to dress up as the characters and I used to be to dress up as the characters right and I used to be in the characters which were like to be honest

disgusting because you used to sweat in them like oh yeah vile to the point where you had a sweatsuit and like the top

and shorts you would wear underneath would be dripping wet with sweat wow yeah it was very thin back then

so one of the best sleeps I've ever had was inside Gnasash of the Dog. Wow. Backstage at Ponton's Green Sands. So you just lay down? Literally. In Gnash of the Dog?

Full suit of Gnash of the Dog, head the lot. I would just lie on the floor because it was really padded and go to sleep. Wow. And they were good sleeps. Yeah. I mean, I just imagine it stank. As a grown adult now, I would never step in one. I can't believe I did it.

I mean, you shout at me, you tell me the bin stinks from the other end of the house. When I open the bin, a centimeter, and I put something in. It was rotten, Chris. Good God. Absolutely rotten. I got ringworm at one point. Oh, what's ringworm? Like a thing that you get.

Oh, it's a little rash, isn't it? I always get it mixed up with worms, but it's just a little rash. Yeah, just ringworm. Horrible. Disgusting. But, you know, job's a job, isn't it? Oh, God.

Pay them bills. Oh, it's really sad falling asleep as a gnash of the dog. Hey, showbiz, got to start somewhere. Got to start somewhere. Had to keep the head on as well

in case any kids came backstage. Great, yeah. Because that would have been upsetting. Oh, yeah, because of it. Why are kids coming backstage? What kind of place are you running here pontons man oh they were just running they're just running all right okay yes they did you used to have to keep the heads on

all the time because it was like can you imagine if you just stood without a head on and i love that right yeah so i know someone who's uh again my tour manager reese mentioned twice this podcast his uh his wife worked on the peppa pig tour and that was the thing they used to give kids a tour an organized tour at the end of the show backstage and it was the thing it was leave that leave the peppa pig that had to have their heads on all the characters had to have their heads on yeah and this is amazing because they were they would have the head on it would be lying down on his box and it would be oh peppa's asleep right but this would be nasha's asleep but they're actually nasha is asleep because there's a fucking sleeping woman

inside Nasha Nasha's asleep oh he's snoring oh he's sweating oh he's pissed himself oh he just said he's desperate for a tab that's weird

did you not know that went as well just for shits and giggles because there was loads of rules like when you took a picture with a kid obviously you had to

have your hands in the air and all that kind of stuff. And you weren't allowed to talk or whatever. You had to be really professional. Because, you know, your dreams could be shattered. Yeah, yeah, of course. But sometimes when I was feeling a bit cheeky, some of the kids would go over there

and they'd like poke you in the mouth and that. Because, you know, kids whose parents don't stop them from doing things. You just let them kick you. Like I used to get kicked and stuff. And you'd be like you little fucking arsehole

so when they got too close I'd go like this nasher nasher nasher nasher and they'd be like ah I thought you were

going to say something really horrible no I just used to go Santa's not real and I'm going to stab your mom in the eye but it was just

nasher nasher well done my brain went to a horrible place and it was just nasher nasher well done I mean 34 year a horrible place and it was just well done I mean 34 year old Rosie

would have said something like that 18 year old Rosie yeah best she could have come up with best that was all I had she wasn't married to Mr Saturday Night then was she

oh babadoo babadoo babadoo bye Chris and Rosie kept this story for a while but I feel like it's time to share it not 100% sure if every detail is true as a friend of mine told me this story whilst i was at uni with him but it stayed with me

to this day the old friend of a friend friend of a friend of a friend let's see he is quite a keen traveler and spent a lot of time in south america one day he was in a bar in Columbia that's where I used to live in Rhodes. Columbia. Columbia. Got you. Sorry. He was in a bar in Columbia with a friend he had met on his travels when a good looking girl came into the bar. His friend was obviously interested

and soon went over to introduce himself. My friend happily sat with his drink while this guy flirted and successfully, I mean, he did, convinced her to leave with him. An hour or so later, the guy returned to the bar,

completely ignored my friend, went straight to the bartender and ordered a whiskey, looking visibly traumatized. Right. Straight after that drink, he ordered another, seeing both of them off straight away.

Right. The old double whisky shot. The old double whisky, yeah. My friend, obviously confused at what had happened, went over to ask if he was okay. He then told him the gruesome details. Oh, God. He had returned with the girl back to his hostel,

where they had begun to get to business. They decided to have a go at 69. Right. With him on the bottom and the girl on top. I mean, who does that on a one-night stand? Chris, nothing surprises me anymore with these emails. Good God. There's, you know, there's just so much going on.

People knocking out the old 69s. In a hostel. Not on their wedding night. My God. In a hostel, exactly. A shared room, 69. Rank. People are rank.

So, anyway. He was lying there, quite content with his eyes closed, giving it his all with this girl lying on top of him, when all of a sudden, he felt something tap on his forehead. He chose to ignore this, as it wasn't too aggressive, and he'd already had a few drinks,

and it could have been anything. But a few seconds later, he felt it again. Right. I don't like where this is going. That was when he opened his eyes. He saw, looking back at him, not an inch from his face, a tapeworm extending out of her bum hole. No way!

There's no... What's a tap in his head for? Earthworm Jim. Oh, no. Quite obviously horrified, he jumped up and left as fast as he could. My friend swears to this day it's a true story and remembers the horrified look on the guy's face

when he arrived back at the bar. That's, no, I can't, no. So hold on, the only reason I've read this out is because that's not a friend from a friend from a friend that is somebody's friend spoke to the guy

who it happened to so that's quite that's do you think I don't know so what's it tapping him on so it's just touching

so it's just fucking wriggling like a wagging tail because she's excited and it's come out of her bum hole what's it doing coming out for

I don't know looking for food that's what is that what they do I don't know but tapeworms are real oh god I don't know

do you know what I'd like to call bullshit on it but I don't know honestly I feel a bit sick I've got I feel a bit sick I love Ed's tapping him

on his head like any any room room for for a little one? Tap, tap, tap, tap. Hey, mate, you couldn't just thumb us back in here, could you? Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. That's about it. sorry tapeworm's like what you had for dinner can't have a noise you've got a bit of bacon between your teeth fella spread the joy episode 88

you've had your fill now get on your way thank you for listening to this week's Shagmaridanoid which is now part of the Acast

which is still part of the Acast creator network still they're not getting rid of her not that they're trying to guys thank you so much for listening

as always if you want to get in touch at shagmaridanoid at gmail.com thank you for rating and subscribing on your little podcast apps I do appreciate it

I've seen the little rates are going up yes so thank you very much the merch is available now on the website the book is out and yeah catch a little mix and search

I'll be on there and then I'll be on Children in Need as well I have oh sorry I have nothing to promote got you other than

no nothing got you it's nearly bonfire night. Really? It is, but it's also nearly Halloween. Yeah. There you go. So you got them too. There you go.

Okay. Well done you. Thank you. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

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