Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 91. See this finger, see this thumb

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

This week on the podcast the Ramsey’s catch you up on their week – twin tilers, an electric boot problem and Rosie gets her words mixed up. There’s a fruity Rosie’s mystery and some beefs that might involve an expensive testing habit for Chris. Q’s from the p’s range from a stinky old pillow to a strange wedding night tradition. Enjoy!  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married and Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and me husband, who's bothered his arse to get back home for his least important job, as it would seem, Chris Ramsey. There we go, there we go. Honestly, I get bollocked when I do that stuff, don't I?

Because you're like, you're putting the podcast on the back burner. You do, you put it on the back burner all the time. Rosie, the children were in need, the neededers, I answered the call, were raised, you know, 30 odd million quid. You didn't do the totaliser? Did you realise that?

Half of it, I did. No, you didn't say the number, though. Oh, I get them wrong. Alex did it. Did Alex take over? I just announced it. I was like, three, two, one. I pointed at it.

I get them wrong. I'd have said 18,000 or something. I don't know where the commas are supposed to go. Well, I said that, but you said that it was on the autocue. Yeah, they didn't. They just made me read it off the back thing. Are you joking? So she read that just on the fly?

Yeah, she read it on the fly. Wow. She's a good man. Footballer. Footballer, fast brain, good with numbers. That's how it just went. And the total address is fucking loads. Yeah, that's loads.

Look at all them, man. How many digits is that? Six digits or something? Well done. I never understood just sorry to digress you know when people go oh six figure salary and all that i'm like wow i don't know what that means i absolutely yeah yeah i am i was listening to um i was listening to a podcast a comedy podcast yesterday and the joke was uh it's it was something like it's some job and it

was like and it's a 10 figure a six yeah it was five figure salary and i didn't get the joke was, it was something like, it's some job and it was like, and it's a 10 figure, a six, yeah, it was five figure salary and I didn't get the joke until I'd counted in my head how many numbers that was. So what is that then?

A 10, a five figure is like 10 grand because it's a 10 and then it's three zeros so that's five figures. okay, so then if six figures

is like in the hundreds of grand. So six figures is a hundred grand up and then seven figures is a million. Right, right, there we go. And I'll be honest with you, I don't think we're ever going to have to, in our lives, is like in the hundreds of grand. So six figures is a hundred grand up and then seven figures is a million. Right. Right, there we go. And I'll be honest with you, I don't think we're ever going to have to, in our lives,

worry about anything above that. Right, okay. But it's just nice to know because I've never understood that and that's one of the times when people say it and I go, well, wow. Yeah.

Because I always think people only say it if it's a lot of money. Yeah. You know what I mean? They don't go, oh, three figure salary. Yeah, I've got two figures for that. What, you came around?

Yeah. Well, that's double-digit. We're getting where you are, honestly. Listen, maths. Let's not. Welcome to Countdown Live, where both of us haven't got a fucking clue about numbers. Dreading Robin's homework.

Maths homework. Dreading it. No, I'm absolutely... Well, no, I'm not, because world record attempt here, Carl Hutchinson mentioned the earliest he's ever been mentioned on the podcast.

Maths teacher. Yeah, he used to teach maths. So yeah, that's the only reason I made him Godfather. That's a good idea, actually. That's all it was. And I don't think he'd charge with. No, I don't think he would.

I mean, he's had enough fucking PR through this, hasn't he? Although, again, everyone thinks he's a minger and a netter and then they see him and they go, oh, not as much of a clip

as we thought. Happens loads, especially on Twitter. They're like, he's actually quite attractive. I'm like, yeah, he's a good looking lad. Yeah, he's just got the animals of and they go, oh, not as much of a clip as we thought. Happens loads, especially on Twitter. They're like, he's actually quite attractive. I'm like, yeah, he's a good looking lad. Yeah, he's just got

the animals of, the manners, sorry, of a farmyard animal. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Welcome to episode 91, you beauties. Thank you so much.

Before we continue, obviously, sorry, Rosie's just checking her phone there. Oh, sorry, no, I've got a delivery coming. I just couldn't remember what it was.

Oh, that's good. Just off with it. Sorry. I bother me arse to it was. Oh, that's good, just off you through the podcast. I bother me arse to come back from London, from saving children, I bother me arse to come back and you're checking your phone half and through. Sorry, I thought you might have been having a little drink, because that's what you normally do and all. A little drink during the podcast. Water though,

not alcohol. Goodness me, I make it sound like a bloody plonky. Guys, it's episode 91. Without further ado, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I always forget. Do you know what? I'm not even joking.

I always forget about this bit and then you do it and I go, oh, yeah, we're going. Right. This week's sponsor is three-way standoff at a roundabout.

Oh, hey. Oh, we've all pulled up at the same time. Oh, right of way. Oh, but we're all on the right. Oh, you go. No, you go. No, you go. No, you go. Oh, queer. Okay, then I'll go oh but we're all on the right oh you go no you go no you go

no you go oh queer okay then I'll go and then they all glare at you like you shouldn't have gone yeah I never used to go no

but then I've sat at them we live at one yeah we have to go through a three way roundabout that's the one that's the one I thought of this at

and I hate it and I used to be really well mannered until I've sat there for so long and I just go, oh, yeah, nah, sorry. No, you, no, you. I just, fuck, put me flat.

Shut my eyes and put me flat. Don't like fast and furious. Straight through. Fuck everyone! I hate to talk about memes, but have you seen that meme where it's, I think it's Kermit the Frog

just sat at a wheel, not looking, and it's like when you're at the traffic light and you're blocking the traffic lights and you don't want to look at the car and you just sit there and you don't look anywhere in their direction. I totally feel that.

Do you know what I really don't like? I don't like pulling up next to other cars at traffic lights. If it's a dual carriageway, you know what I mean? And we live next to a dual carriageway that's got traffic lights on it. And you stop and there's a car next to you. Like, I don't know. Why?

I can't look at them it really freaks us out i have to like look down i look to the left i like look away from them all right you're talking about the john reed road yeah i'm talking about when you pull up next to someone else again like in movies they pull up and they stay and they're like rev the engine rev the engines and they race each other i don't know i can't look at people it's weird i don't know i feel like they're gonna bully us i feel like they're gonna rev their engine i feel like i'm sorry right but you are crippled with anxiety through your bullied past aren't you were you really badly bullied no no it's just i'm not bullied bullies you know let's not make like a bully i'm not i'm absolutely not i'm saying you're crippled with anxiety

well yeah well public transport terrified of you should always get asked for money um yeah i remember when it's like i remember when i first passed my driving test um my mom was like right now when you're out in your car or was it me mate had passed i think we made it past i was out in the car she was like when you're out in the cars right don't be being trying to be clever and sticking your fingers up with people and stuff because i know someone who just stuck their fingers up at these lads and then they had to stop in traffic and one of the lads got out the car and came over and smashed their window that nearly happened to me really yeah what happened we weren't together it was before i met you i assumed that um i was at a junction and a bloke i went out i don't i

didn't make i didn't make a mistake i'll i'll see when i make a mistake i didn't make a mistake already on this bloke side this bloke, it was my right of way and he didn't stop in time, but he did. He had to slam his brakes down and I stuck my finger up at him because he was like, ah, you're there

and he beat the dis and that and I stuck my finger up at him and he followed us, like home and he just kept revving behind us and flashing and I was like, ah!

But then he, and then he actually sped off because I went a different route. They take it so seriously. Oh, honestly. But I was just, I was like 25. Old enough to stick your fingers up

with someone though, eh? Oh yeah, well old enough to stick my fingers up with him. Don't do the crime if you can't handle the time. Horrible, horrible man. Oh yeah, some people, when you like cut people up

or accidentally do something, if you pull out or whatever, they carry it round with them and they look so fucking angry. I'm like like how can you get that angry in that minute but have i told you about what my cousin did back in the day no my cousin was driving his car a similar kind of thing happened like they got into some kind of altercation with someone and the person was like telling him to pull over so like they put he pulled over and this other person pulled over and the guy like got out of the car and like went over to my cousin's car to

fight him because he just drove off nice once the guy had got out that's car and went over to my cousin's car to fight him and my cousin just drove off. Nice. Once the guy had got out. That's what I should have done. Yeah, it's amazing. You should have done that. Yeah, he probably said the guy blocked him in. He had to mount the curb and go over some grass

and go around but he got away. But yeah, we are not advocating dangerous driving at all. Don't stick your fingers up with people. It's not worth it.

Life's too short. It feels good though if they are dickheads. Yeah, but wait until they've turned around or do that thing where you do it like right down.

Ali G. Yeah, do it Ali G. Do it right down in your sort of door compartment so that they can't see it and be smiling at them but you know that below that window where they can't see you're dealing out some sweet, sweet V's. Oh, send them sweet, sweet V's, baby.

Oh, here's the jingle. Oh, here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle.

We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Married and Annoyed. Hope you're all okay. Second lockdown. Down 2.0.

Hope it's all good. It's nearly over, to be fair. I think we're halfway through now, which is canny. As we record this, it's the 18th, so yeah, nearly halfway through. See, I don't know about you, but my social media is full of people putting the Christmas trees up. I'm really jealous. Well, this is what I was going to say.

I totally understand it this year. Every other year I'd have been like, oh, what are you doing? But I get it. If we didn't have Robin and I don't mean,

this is going to sound really horrible. I don't mean a kid. I don't mean if we didn't have a kid. I mean, if we didn't have specifically Robin. Yeah. Because I think some kids

you can go to them, look, we're putting the tree up now but it's if we didn't have specifically Robin. Yeah. Because I think some kids, you can go to them, look, we're putting the tree up now, but it's not Christmas yet. It's not Christmas yet. Robin Ramsey will never understand that. No.

And it will be fucking horrible. It would be torture. Horrible. It wouldn't be worth the pleasure of being able to sit and look at your Christmas tree

because you'd just be stood there like a cartoon character going, is it Christmas yet? Every morning. Is it Christmas yet? Every morning. Is it Christmas today? Every morning. Is it Christmas tomorrow?

It'd be horrible. How many sleep... He's me. Oh, sorry, go on. Sorry, I was just going to say, he's me. I told you this, but you know the little cupcakes you make with them, when you make the little Paw Patrol cupcakes, where you get them in the box from the supermarket,

and you get all the mixes and you do them. Do you know I was banned having them as a kid? Why? Because I couldn't wait for them to be ready. I used to do my mum's head in so she literally would get a box of them. I think it was Looney Tunes.

I should put them in, make the mixture, put them in the oven, I'd leave the room, I'd come back in like seconds. Are they ready yet? No, they're not fucking ready.

Leave. And then that. Yeah. And then as soon as they're ready and then the icing, put the icing on. Yeah. Is it dried yet?

No, it's not dried. I was like, I think we got them twice and then she was like, you're never getting them again. She was like, you're a fucking nightmare. Robin's the same.

He's me. Have you not heard his new one recently? No. Has he not been asking you how many sleeps it is till his birthday? Yes, he asked me that

the other day. It was his birthday at the end of October. How many sleeps till my next birthday? And I'm like, Robin, do you know what it is, son?

I could tell you, I could work it out, but it's not worth knowing because it's a year. I say 300 knowing. I just said 300 nods. I say 300 nods. I say over 300. Starts with an M. That's his thing, though.

Is it one million sleeps until then? I'm like, oh, yeah. Why does he work everything out in sleeps? That's what kids do. He's obsessed with big numbers. He's obsessed with big numbers. He loves them. He's always going on about something being 500,000 and blah, blah, blah.

300 million. Yeah. So I sat him down and I was like, you know how you love big numbers? And he went, yeah. And I was like, well,

daddy did a thing the other day called Children in Need on the telly and we raised money for children. But you know how much we raised? And he went, how much? And I was like,

37, like whatever million. He didn't give a shit. Did he not? Didn't give a shit. Just started talking about his numbers. Well, you do realise when we were watching

Children in Need, you and Alex were chatting about them and giving them a shout out and he was on the toilet having a shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, when I'm on the telly, if he's not asking for Tom and Jerry to go on, he's gone and having a shit. He does not care. Well, wasn't it when we were both

on Saturday Kitchen and your mum and dad were like, are you watching it? And he demanded that they turn the channel over. Yeah, put Tom and Jerry on. Doesn't care. That's good, though.

It is good. Because you don't want nine miles on telly. Oh, it would be my worst nightmare. No, I know. It is good. Yeah, so big up to everyone putting the Christmas trees up. It's lovely to see. And we're going to put ours up, I think, probably about the 10th of December.

I think that's about a good enough time. Probably when the workmen are done. Every year we've got workmen here. So we'll have to wait for up I think probably about the 10th of December I think that's about a good enough time probably when the workmen are done every year we've got workmen here so we'll have to wait for the workmen to leave

don't even get us started don't get me started on how excited I am about our Tylers by the way shout out our

Tylers what's the what the company called we should give them an actual I'll have to go and read off the

van is it twin Tylers I just opened the door today and there was two blokes two young lads standing there

who looked exactly the same and one other lad. And I went, are you twins? And they went, yep. And I went, twin Tylers? And they went, yep. And I was like, I thought I was really clever, twin Tylers.

And I looked, it was written on their fucking van. I thought I'd come up with it. And it was written on their van. And I'm like, three or four, I'm doing the head and rosy, three or four times I've gone to them like, look, I know you must get it all the time, but it is really funny. Trust us, it's funny. And they were like, aye. And I was like, no, it's like, and I've gone to them like look like I know you must get it all the time but like it is really funny like trust us it's funny and they were like aye and I was like no it's like and I said I was like we've got matching vans we've got matching vans we've got

matching uniforms their hair's the same the right it's all right it's amazing honestly I mean you could be forgiven for thinking if they're both sitting there side by side tiling you could be forgiven for thinking there was a bathroom mirror there it's fucking great and I said to them I went do you not like I went do you not go like you turn up at a job and you can blame everything else on your brother even though it was you

that fucked up can you turn up oh look at the mess he's made I'm here to clean up me brother's bloody work like great just yeah love it

and they're bloody good as well they're really good they've nearly finished they're smashing through shout out to whatever your company name is Twitter there can't be too many

no I need to have a look right I've just checked the side of the van yeah they're called Brothers Unite None they're called Twin Thailand Twin Thailand

Twin Thailers UK Twin Thailers UK this is something which has happened recently that I think a lot of people might resonate with maybe not right now because of lockdown

but obviously my mum is a single person and she's in her bubble yeah her little bubble she's a lifesaver that's what she is.

Our Sandra is adamant on breaking our electric boot on the car. Oh. Every time. Unbelievable. How many, is this just us or does this happen across the whole country of parents who don't understand how electric boots work

and will just rag the boot down instead of pressing the button. Your mum doesn't understand how anything works. And you can't explain it to her. I've said this before. Weirdly, I was talking about this this morning. When I've tried to teach you, I've talked about me standing up.

How have you tried to teach me? How patronising do you sound? No, because what you do is you literally put mental blocks up. You put your own mental barriers up. But again, I've talked about up but again when I've tried I've talked about me standing when I've tried to teach you

the dishwasher which you just won't have this is the but your mum does it as well but it's a different thing that your mum does it's like she just stops listening

like it's so fucking weird it's as soon as you start she's done up the dishwasher and I've went because obviously she's never really had one and I'm like

you know this top one here she has got one not the same as ours because it's got that top draw where you pull it out. And I remember going, you know they go there? And she goes, uh-huh, and it goes. And I remember it happened with the alarm, she was staying here once with the alarm, and I went, right Sandra, I want you to see the alarm, I want you to press this, if you're going to bed, you put this program on so the upstairs thing doesn't turn on, and if you're going out, you press this, so all the sensors come on, and she went, uh-huh. And I went, oh look huh and I went oh look

and I thought I'll just teach her the bedtime one like I'll just teach her the bedtime one and just I went just that only do

alright no bother and I'm sure the fucking alarm went off again she just stops listening I never thought it's just you it's not me

the way that you explain something it's fucking you two because you're the same person it's you and her it just glazes over it's the most ridiculous thing. But the electric boot thing,

have you never been in a taxi? Some of the taxis in London, sometimes they'll have them Mercedes Vito things. Yeah, when they shut themselves. Oh my God, when you try and rag a door open on one of them, I feel their pain. They're like, I'll close the door. Well, that must happen all the time.

I've left them open that aren't electric. I left one open once and I was running to the train station. I turned around and the guy got out and looked at us thinking, fuck, what are you doing leaving me door open? I was like, I thought it was electric. I'm sorry, I didn't want to get shouted at. It's ridiculous. But yeah, when you've got an electric boot and people just rag it down.

Every time. Every time. I mean, absolute first world problems, let's be honest here. Oh, I know. It totally is. But I just want to know whether it's my mum there's never going to be a helpline

there's never going to be a helpline for this is your electric boot getting ragged down by a stupid ham-fisted fucker but it just makes us wonder there must be people

in their 60s 70s 80s yeah who have electric boots how long did it take them to get used to it? Yeah, but again,

I love your mum to death. She's just one of my favourite people in the world, your mum. But she is just heavy-handed. The plates and cups that get smashed in this house when your mum's kicking about. The hoover,

we go through hoovers like nothing ever. I got the full hoover case replaced right and within a couple of days she'd drop it again and crack it it's just

my mum does a bit of cleaning for her just don't make her do the hoovering yeah no she does she does the hoovering

or she doesn't get fed that's the rules she does the hoovering or I turn her heating off again she's actually chained to the spare bedroom. Sorry to mention him again, but Carl Hutchinson's the same. When I lived with Carl,

your mum, you and Carl all do things as if you are on your way to do the most important thing in the world and everything else is just an afterthought. It's crazy. Carl was exactly the same. Your mum, you're not as bad, but your mum and Carl will do things.

It's as if, you know, the Pope is waiting for them at this meeting that they've got to get to and they've quickly got half an hour to cram in all the rest of their stuff and they're quickly, put that there, put that on there, stick that there. Oh, there he is, I'll go and meet the Pope. It's crazy. Okay.

Crazy. Well, I mean, the fact that you tell me off for the way that I walk around my own house is diabolical if I'm honest. fact that you tell me off for the way that I walk around my own house is diabolical, if I'm honest. What do you mean? You shush me in my own house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I'm walking through the corridor.

Do you know what you walk like? You walk like, you know in old mob films where they put someone's feet in cement and they throw them in the river? That's ridiculous. Right? You walk like you were thrown in the river in cement, but then hit the bottom and the cement cracked so you had two big cement shoes and then you somehow got to the top and you came home and the door opens and it's like boom, boom, boom

and I'm like, what's that Rose? What's that? Is that you Rose? Yeah, I got out of the river, the mob will not keep me down Boom, boom, boom, boom and then you've just kept them on and you're just walking around You're so little and you're so fucking loud and your mum's the same and Robin's the same. We're just heavy footed.

It's like you've constantly given someone a piggyback and you're running. That's ridiculous. You're so loud. I think you are just. Clomping around the house. I'm like a little cat, me. Oh, no, you're absolutely not.

All right, then. I'm not like a cat. Right, I guarantee I can sneak up on you at some point. Oh, please don't because I'm pregnant and it's just not worth it's not worth the hassle are you going to clean up my piss eh

it's not worth it please don't fair enough thought you might enjoy this while you were away the other day I was on a FaceTime with my Kate my sister

and do you know how we she's the same as well it's not just me we often get words mixed up. Yeah. I think I did the best one yet. Okay, really? I don't know.

Better than bubble juice? No, I mean, it's not as obvious as that. But sometimes I like to try and be cleverer than I am and use bigger words when I don't really know the meaning of them. And I get them mixed up. So I was talking about Twitter and how awful people are on Twitter and how it's just so toxic and I'm genuinely thinking about coming off it

because it's just, it makes us sad thinking that people in the world can talk that awful to each other. Yeah, well, just to interject there, we're not talking about us getting personal attacks and shit because you get the odd little thing. Oh, well, that happens. But I just want to shout out to well, that happens. But this podcast,

I just want to shout out to the Smars out there because this podcast has made my Twitter a brilliant place again. Because I just get sent references and memes and stuff that people know about the podcast. So genuinely, everyone that tweets me about the podcast, I love you. Thank you so much.

Oh, yeah, that side of it's lovely. I know what you're talking about because it's something that'll be trending and you go, why is this trending? And you just see all of the fucking horrendous... People like that exist. Horrendous opinions and political views of people. And you go, oh my God, you're telling people this.

Like, this is the kind... If I believed this shit, I'd fucking whisper it into a pillow at night. I know, I know. And it's sad. It's really sad because you go, oh, there's people in the world like that. So anyway, I was talking to Kate about it

because she doesn't have Twitter. And I was trying to be really clever. And I said that a lot of the people on there, they spout a lot of virile things. Can you think of the word that I meant, wanted to say? Yeah, but doesn't virile mean that you're quite sexually potent? It means, yeah, it's having strength, energy and a strong sex drive, typically used of a man.

I meant vitriol. Yeah, i meant vitriol yeah you meant vitriol yeah and i got it completely wrong well like i wasn't 100 to be fair in your defense i wasn't 100 sure what you meant there but i definitely did know what vira i mean meant but yeah that's very funny the most embarrassing thing about it is i've used that before and not being corrected yeah to the point of where I'm... Chris, I'm now thinking I've said that on a podcast interview. I'm genuinely serious. I have said

I've meant to say vitriol. Right. And I've said virile. What, and they didn't... And I don't think anyone's corrected us. Right, well, personally, that's bad. Because I've had a couple of people on Twitter and stuff have said to me before, or on the emails have said, was it when I got fellatio wrong, didn't it?

Oh, you got cunnilingus and fellatio. I mean, which is, what a thing to get pulled up on, by the way. I mean, it's, come on, you were closer than I was. But some people say, oh, you're always correct, Rosie. I feel like correcting someone when they get it wrong and not me so they're not making themselves look stupid i feel like that's really quite a kind thing to do i don't do it to try and look clever with me and you i do it because a i know you get words wrong and b if you listen to it and someone

said why she said vitriol and i went oh yeah i knew i was just being polite and not telling you fucking bollocks i swear god right sometimes people look at me like I'm not, I was telling someone this the other day. If I meet someone, I could literally, I don't know, weirdly, I don't know why Hugh Grant came in my head, but I could meet someone like,

you know, famous and posh. Okay. You know, who I would sort of be beneath as a, you know, and I'd be like, hello, you all right?

And he could smile and he'd have a bit of fucking like herb or something in his teeth and I would straight away, I'd go, you got herb in your teeth. Oh, see, I don't agree with that.

I would immediately do it. But you're like that though. But say I don't agree with that. I would immediately do it. But you're like that though. But no, but I'm doing that. That's a good thing. I'm telling him. No, it's not because you're embarrassing him. I'm not embarrassing him.

I'm stopping him from smiling at 10 other fuckers. No, I disagree with you. No, that's a favour. I think it's a really good thing to do. Well, we've talked about this in the book though, because I'm overly well-mannered and I wouldn't tell someone,

unless I really knew them, I wouldn't tell them if they had something in their teeth. I'd tell people as soon and I wouldn't tell someone unless I really knew them I wouldn't tell them if they had something in their teeth as soon as I meet them because I do it discreetly

I don't go pop ivy and spinach I go you know you've got something in your teeth but no I've seen

it when you do it and I like die inside but in the past I've had people say hey thanks very much no one tells you

stuff like that thank you but that's just because I've done it to a like minded person I think it's fine no but people have told me that before right like oh you've got a massive snot in your nose and i've been devastated why have you been devastated what do you want them to go like oh i met her and you know what i felt like i got more of that meeting because there was also a massive snot on her nose

i thought it was a bit of a crowd for us to play to. Like, fucking, what do you want? Double the bant. Yeah, what do you want? I just don't want to know. Let's just go around the world where no one fucking tells us. Like,

Ember has new clothes. Yeah, I don't want to know. Fucking hell. I know we're living in different worlds there. I don't want to know and then,

you know, when I go to the bathroom and I look in the mirror and I go, how long's that been there? Yeah, and you go, none of them tossers told me.

I'll be like, I'm glad they didn't because then I'd just discreetly get rid of it and it will never mention it ever again. It's a stupid world to live in. No, Chris, you're wrong.

I feel like I am right on that. I feel this week's Twitter poll happening. This is it. There you go. Okay. Right. Okay, okay.

So do you tell someone that they've got some stuff in their team? I'm not, by the way, I'm not deliberately trying to start Twitter polls every week. It just feels like it's something. I would say email in but I can't be asked to email in. I don't want to talk about stuff in the team. I'm not, by the way, I'm not deliberately trying to start Twitter polls every week. It just feels like it's something. That's a cute little thing.

I would say email in, but I can't be honest, email in. I don't want to talk about stuff on the next week for bringing it up from the week before. Only the really big stuff. But yeah, it'll be on Twitter this week. I think it's when it's someone you know. Tell them or don't tell them.

Teeth with herbs in or snot or hang off your nose. You know, yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. And I think I'm going to win this one. You won the last one. I think I'm going to win this one. Can we just give a shout out to all my fellow flannel friends

so many people who do it as well people said they used to do the same thing oh I love that I won the poll I thought everyone would be like Rosie really

get yourself checked in but no people are with us turns out weirdly newsflash taking a mirror off the wall and putting it down on the floor so that the CIA

can't watch you do a poo when you're a child is strange behaviour pretty out there and who knew it's time for Rosie's Mysteries I haven't recorded

a new one I asked Robin again this morning if he'd do it I was like do you want to do a Robin's Mysteries he went no

so I haven't even tried going down that avenue. But I thought it might be quite quirky and quite cool, quite out there. Do you want to do this week's? Do you know what? Off the cuff.

Do you know what, Rosie? If you can't beat them, join them. Yeah, okay. All right, all right. I'll do the sound effect. You do the... Right, ready? Okay.

I might join in because I might get left out. Okay. Now. What do I do? Just, it's time. Oh, do I say it's time? Sorry, it's time for Rosary Mysteries.

E. Well, I never knew that. Is it a flannel? Is it a fish? E. Is there something in your teeth? You'll never know Never know Never know

And I'll tell you Three people at a roundabout Who goes? Who goes? Who goes? No one No one They'll be forever

Ever This is really fun actually I do enjoy it Yeah, yeah, yeah E Big finish Mystery There you go I do enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, yeah. Ooh. Big finish. Mystery. There you go.

I did enjoy that. Well done. That was fun. I can tell why you enjoy that so much. It was nice. Oh, hey, Rosie and Chris. I have a mystery for you. Okie-cokie.

Years ago, I used to work for a bunch of nightclubs. I don't know what you're going to say there. Sounds exciting, though, doesn't it? A bunch of nightclubs. Yeah, they used to work for a bunch of nightclubs. Is that the collective term? I don't know what you're going to say there Sounds exciting though doesn't it A bunch of nightclubs Yeah they used to work for a bunch of nightclubs Is that the collective term I don't know Who knows

It's not a flock A flock A murder A murder of nightclubs I tell you One of the most depressing places to be In the entire world Is a nightclub during the day

Yes Oh Good god Horrible Anyway so Do you know Sorry can I just tell you Do you know what's even more depressing

Than a nightclub during the day A nightclub during the day With chairs Set up on the dance floor For a comedy gig Ew Bad Have you done a comedy gig

In a nightclub Because I've done comedy gigs Everywhere Horrible Back in the day When I first started out You do them everywhere But yeah in a nightclub

It literally smells And you can taste the drink And piss in the air And they're on the dance floor and you're on the stage just in front of the dj booth sometimes like it barely you can barely stand on it oh i tell you what though i never thought i'd miss clubbing covid yeah it's made me really miss clubbing oh i mean when all of this is over it's gonna be a fucking free-for-all it's gonna be crazy honestly crazy can it bloody wait

I tell you get me a shoulder at that bar I'll be hugging everyone mate oh god I coughing on them in our thoughts well I mean don't do that just why not if we can well no

no need to build up the immune system that's literally like that's like in that episode of friends where Joey gets health insurance so he just fucking starts letting people go at him with baseball bats like don't do that

just because there's a vaccine, don't start coughing on everyone. We're all fine. Sharing cutlery and that. I'll go mind sweeping. Can't wait to lick the handrail on the metro again. Really missed that metal-y taste. Do you remember mind sweeping?

Have we ever talked about mind sweeping? It's disgusting. It's the worst thing in the world. I don't know if we've ever talked about it. Well, I was talking about it the other day. But not on here though yeah so mind sweeping

is the main casualty of the COVID generation the COVID era yeah they'll never be able to do that again the very very small section of society will continue to mind sweep

if you don't know what mind sweeping is do you want to explain it Rosie mind sweeping is a thing that usually younger people do I mean it's involved

mainly by yeah it's involved it's enjoyed mainly by students and vagrants. Yes. Yes. I've done it, I'm not going to lie. Great.

You go around a nightclub at the end... No, I haven't done it at a nightclub. I used to do it at me nana's Boxing Day party when I was 14. That's totally different. That's different. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry, but mind sweeping, in a bar club scenario is youngsters going around and finishing off people's dregs of the drinks. Yeah. But, no, you don't finish... Well that's that's that's entry level there rosie all right professional mind sweeper will finish their drink and carry their glass around and pour all of the dregs oh no they won't yeah and they're naked from there yeah they will yeah right professional well i was very entry level i was literally oh my my Uncle Kevin's left a bit of his bottle of Heineken. Let's take it to the bathroom and drink it.

Mainly cousins. Well, that's, yeah. That was our... Very much domestic wine sweeping you've got going on there. Yeah. I can't speak today. Yeah, so I had two mates who used to wine sweep all the time. I've got to mention the names here.

Andy and Michael. And Michael got glandular fever off it and was bedridden for months. He was fucking floored. Have we spoke about this or did we? We talked about the idea. Right. Off pod. Off pod.

Please guys, do not mind sweep in public. No one will ever mind sweep again. No one with half a brain cell will ever mind sweep again. It's a studenty thing, but yeah. People will. Yeah. People will. It was, so when, can you remember like the student, when we were younger, student vibes,

any student city, the students go out sort of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then the sort of locals go out Friday, Saturday. That used to be the crack. Yes. So when the students went out Friday, Saturday, the students would mind sweep the drinks of the locals. Of the rich folk. Of the rich folk.

Of the rich folk who buy trebles good grief yeah that was hilarious that's what used to happen it's amazing honestly just just a really really disgusting just a really disgusting thing yeah it's just students and the old man who never leaves the bar are the do you know why i love things like that because there is going to be a very small fraction of society who've never heard of that. Oh yeah, yeah. And that's what always, that's what I love.

I don't know whether it's a working class thing or whether it's where we're from because there might be parts of the country that don't do this. But I just love that

there's going to be people going, oh my goodness, people walk around and finish strangestest Drinks. Rosie, every single person from our management who hears this will go, what? No way. That's a thing. Of course they will.

Really? Our producer may have heard of it. Everyone else. Daisy will know. Daisy might know, but everyone else will not have heard of it. And I've just thought as well, am I going to get emails off students saying students don't mind swooping? That's disgusting. I am, aren't I?

Well, no, because maybe a lot of them do. I've done it. I've done it. We've all done it. In all honesty with mind sweeping, I only did it a couple of times. Like, as skint as I've ever been, I'm too germaphobic to do that. Yeah. I did it a couple of times.

Horrible. I'll tell you something right off the bat now. Me and a friend of mine when we were younger when we used to smoke I have lit tiny little butts of cigarettes

that I found on the floor and smoked them. I'll tell you that right now. That's horrendous. You know what else I can tell you? I will not be the only person

in the world who's done that. There will be so many people when they were younger who used to smoke who've done that. And I can put my hand up now as a lovely 34-year-old woman who doesn't smoke, who's doing quite well, who drives a nice car. I used to smoke at other people's tab ends.

It's fucking disgusting. Don't care? Right, we totally digress from this story. Sorry, everyone. Okay, so they work for a bunch of nightclubs. My colleague and I went on a fact-finding mission to another city. This involved getting pissed and going to many bars and nightclubs to see what everyone else was up to.

That's a nice job. I mean, yeah. Weird, but nice. Absolutely great. We had a riot of a night. We visited a number of establishments and ended up back at our hotel drinking in the bar till silly o'clock in the morning the next morning

we were due to get the train back and start typing up our research findings i mean this would have been easier if you didn't get pissed but of course we slept in waking up with a start at the time we were due into the office, which was an hour away. Does that make sense? Waking up with a start is a phrase like waking up, getting a shock. Yeah. I walk with a start.

All right, okay. It's quite a strangely... Down trowel. Is it the same as that? It's quite a Downton Abbey thing to say. Right. It's like, I walk with a start. It's almost like the night before Christmas. Like, I walk with a start outside the window.

Yeah. It was such a clatter. Okay, let's keep it in then. The office was an hour away and they were due in at that time when they woke up with a start. I get it, yeah. When we woke with a start. We woke with a start.

The beer still crusted around our mouths and on the pillows of saliva of which it had flown forth from our mouths. What's this? What's this? What's this? Who wrote this? Fucking Russell Brand. I'm enjoying it.

We rushed around throwing things in our bags, trying not to notice the colossal hangovers and trying to look like civilised people when we checked out. We legged it to the train station. This was before they had ticket gates. So we jumped on the first train... Oh, I remember them good old days.

Before ticket gates. Ticket gates, yeah. So we jumped on the first train home and, I remember them good old days. Before ticket gates. Ticket gates, yeah. So we jumped on the first train home and sat down breathing heavily, sweating profusely and stinking of last night's alcohol. I wouldn't want to sat next to you. As we had bought tickets in advance, we knew that when the ticket inspector came round, it was simply a case of finding our tickets before snoozing the journey away.

The ticket inspector arrived quickly. I opened my handbag to find my ticket and... So... I opened my handbag. I opened my handbag to find my ticket and... Dun, dun, dun. Now, we've done a poo in a handbag, so I don't think there'll be a poo there.

It's not a poo. It's not a poo. Awful that that's where my brain goes. Someone tweeted the other day saying the fact that Chris keeps getting all of these Rosie's Mysteries, it just shows what this podcast has done to his brain and his perception of the public. It really is. Do you want a little clue? Or do you want the next two words?

Give us the next one word. A. Hole. A hole. A word. A. Hole. A hole. A hole. A hole. Like not hole in the ground, like W-H. A hole.

Oh. You're going to just have to go with someone. An onion bargy or some kind of food. What do you want to go with? A whole kebab. A whole kebab. Are you going with kebab? I'm going with kebab.

There's a kebab in a bag. Okay. You're wrong. Oh, God. I opened my handbag to find my ticket and a whole pineapple fell out. Healthier than a kebab. It is. But you need to listen to the rest because I've got a question.

My colleague and I fell about laughing and tried to piece the night together, but nothing came to mind. We had no idea where I would have got a pineapple from. To this day, I am still none the wiser. I took it to the office as a souvenir, and we had some later in the day to quench the hangover thirst. If you have any ideas of where we may have picked up a pineapple, please let me know. It's been years of wondering. Would you have any ideas of where we may have picked up a pineapple, please let me know. It's been years of wondering. Would you evade that pineapple? I would have to judge it on seeing the pineapple.

No. No, Chris. I have to judge it on seeing the pineapple. I'm sorry. And what kind of kitchen you've got to work with where you can just dissect a pineapple? It's a big job. Bunch of nightclubs.

Bunch of nightclubs, to be fair. A lot of money in nightclubs. I wouldn't evade it. What kind of fact-finding mission is it where you go there and you get so fucking blasted drunk that you come back and go, well, what are the other nightclubs doing?

Dunno. Dunno. Apparently you get a free pineapple in some of them. We should do that. Give the pineapples away. If that was a nightclub giving out free pineapples or a bar giving out free pineapples, they will not be good pineapples.

Right. I can't imagine. Can I just say, I said that as a joke, I can't imagine there's a world where they put a promotion on where instead of two for one, you're getting a free pineapple. Like, all you're going to have is pineapples all over the street. I've been to a nightclub

before where they were doing jelly wrestling in a paddling pool. Again, that weirdly makes more sense than a free pineapple. Why in the name of god would you want a fucking whole pineapple it's promotion what are you talking about what we're talking about no no i won't back down on this you can't give up it's i i could understand it weirdly as shit as it is i could understand an apple or a banana or some grapes because you can eat them

pineapple it's like keep this massive big sharp point, dangerous thing and go and cut it up later and eat it. Why would you get... Well, I feel like Malibu were doing some sort of promotion that evening in the nightclub and the prize was a pineapple. Like a dance competition or something like that. A dance for a pineapple? Possibly.

A dance competition? Well, no, it would be like, oh, first place gets a grand, second place gets a pineapple. It's the booby prize. Right, okay. But you wouldn it's the booby prize right okay but you wouldn't eat the booby prize

that you found in your bag I'm more disgusted that they've ate it the next day no sorry but no no did I ever tell you

about the time I went to a nightclub and then brought a kebab back and the next day I microwaved the kebab and I melted the polystyrene tray

that it was in in the microwave sorry what so yeah so I was really hung tree that it was in in the microwave sorry what so yeah so i was really hungover and there was nothing in my mom dad's house and i had some kebab off the night before did you keep the kebab yeah it was on the bench it was in a polystyrene tree and i am and i had garlic sauce and that on it and i thought i'll just have this to get something downers because i'm gonna be sick i put the polystyrene tree with the kebab in the microwave yeah and the garlic sauce like boiled and like melted

through the thing and I had a little bit of it then I was sick anyway, turns out. Oh gosh. Next day's kebab. Rosie, I'm going to tell you right now I'd have fucking killed for a pineapple that morning. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful about it. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is know, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Ladies first? Yes.

Christopher Ramsey, my beef with you this week is... Full named. You get... I got full named. first yes christopher ramsey my beef with you this week is you get you get buzzing about the most ridiculous things okay so um recently you've been having a lot of covid tests yeah because of obviously the little mix of search and work children need you had to have a covid test and things like that yeah every week when you get that result through and it's negative, you are chuffed to bits. I can't get a beer. I can't get a beer out the fridge, a celebratory non-COVID beer.

But you know, I don't think you're celebrating the fact that you can go to work and whatever and you don't have COVID. You're celebrating the fact that you've passed

and you're taking it as you've done something to pass. I feel like I've earned it. No, you haven't done anything. You just haven't got COVID that week. I haven't passed the test. Rosie, you've got to understand, in my life like I've earned it. No, you haven't done anything. You just haven't got COVID that week. I haven't passed the test. Rosie, you've got to understand, in my life,

I don't pass many tests, right? I didn't pass many tests in my life. So this is, I can't see myself backing down on this. You've got to, you know, we've had a shitty year. You've got to celebrate the little things.

Someone comes around. I had them for the Little Mix thing. The one I had for the TV show I just did took it to another level. The bloke fucking nearly climbed in my head. I've known nothing like it. I told you, I felt like you should have took this for dinner afterwards.

It was unbelievable. And then, yeah, got a little text going, yeah, you've passed your COVID test. Straight out the fridge, get a beer. Corona. Irony.

I drink that. I drink that and I'm buzzing. You play on it all night though. Oh, I do. And you're literally celebrating, like, pass me test. I need little things to celebrate. It's not a driving test.

You haven't done anything to pass that test. I've not kissed the milkman, like I normally do things to sober. It's not a driving test. You haven't done anything to pass that test. I've not kissed the milkman like I normally do. Well done. I've not, you know. Haven't got a milkman. Yeah, I haven't licked door handles and that. I've stopped doing that. It's hard, but I've stopped doing that.

Yeah. Stopped letting strangers cough in my mouth like I used to do. Obviously. That used to be my thing. Yeah. And yeah. Fetish. Yeah, fetish, yeah.

Stopped scratching builders. When I see a builder's arse crack I've stopped like putting all my fingers down like I used to and then licking your fingers yeah yeah good glad I've stopped doing all of them things

I used to do all the time yeah so I think that's good well done then well I didn't realise all them things in that case congratulations

yeah thank you very much you haven't got any more for a while have you no more covid tests no more oh what are you going to do just drink beer for the sake of it

nothing to celebrate anymore oh I might start taking pregnancy tests what are you going to do? No, I'll just drink beer for the sake of it. I don't think they celebrate anymore. Or I might start taking pregnancy tests. I wouldn't advise that. No, I'll just start weeing on them and then when it says

not pregnant, jackpot, have a beer. Alright, okay, so that's quite expensive. I'll just keep, I'll buy one

and I'll keep doing it with the same one and I'll cover the thing with my finger that says not pregnant and I'll ween it and I'll move my finger and I'll go past again. Whatever keeps you and I'll cover the thing with my finger that says not pregnant. I'll wait and then I'll move my finger and I'll go past again.

Whatever keeps you sane at this really strange time. I mean, sane left a while ago. My beef with you is... Yes, honey. You... Yes, my love. Stop it. You go to the shops or anywhere,

whenever you go out in the car. First of all, there's two levels to this beef, actually. When you leave in your car, I go and sit next to... When you leave the house in the car first of all there's two two levels to this beef actually when you leave in your car i go and sit next when you leave the house in your car i go and sit next to my mobile because i know i'm going to get a phone call in about three seconds soon as you leave about something fuck it could be anything are you kidding me you do the same with me as you're out the gate been out today i know it is yeah have you the oven on washing something can you oh what what you're doing chris sitting relaxing i'm gone yeah i am can you do something can i just get you to do something no not true but the main part of this beef is you come back right and you sit the amount

of times i'll go where's your bean where is shit i'll bring you i'll go i thought you only pop in the shop where are you oh i'm just outside sitting in the car on the drive. And I'm like, and anyone who follows her on Instagram will know she does most of her Instagrams, she does on the drive. The neighbours must think you're fucking scared to come back in the house. I know. They must think you're either frightened to come back

in the house, that I'm some kind of ogre, right, or that you're like on the drive, like cheating on us, like FaceTiming your lad or ringing your fucking fancy bit. They must think she comes back and just sits on that. She's bloody. She's dreading going back in that house. The poor lass.

It's me therapy. What is? Sitting on the drive. That's ridiculous therapy. Why? We've got a nice house. Come sit in one of the rooms in the house. Chris, tell me about this house.

I'm sick of looking at this house. I've been locked in this flipping house. Sick of it. You were doing this before lockdown. You've been doing this for years. Yeah, I've done it for a long time. So weird. I don't know why.

I just gear myself up and I just get warm and cosy. Where else in your house do you have a heated seat? You know what I mean? I like to just sit there, gather my thoughts, get my little time together, and gear myself up for getting back in the house to be with you we're talking about the time when you came back

and you were on the phone to your mate in the car, so you text me to open the gates because you were on the phone to your mate and you wouldn't end the phone call to open the gates yes, don't think we've ever mentioned that but I mean the gates are the bane of my life anyway it's good to have them you act like we live within 500 yards of every prison in the country

i just and those those prisons only have like robbers in them yeah gates is the kryptonite they can't get around yes i just like just like, I like the scooter gates. I like the gates. Rosie, if I could, we'd have a moat. If I could, we'd have a moat

with crocodiles in it. But sometimes you act like you've never lived in a house without a pair of gates at the front. Yeah, but I've got a pair of gates.

I want them shut. You just open them non-stop. It's crazy. During the day? I don't want anyone coming down my drive. I don't want it happening. Some guy came down before

asking, trying to flog us all kinds of stuff. I was like, how did you get in here? At one time, I picked up the intercom and the guy was like,

oh, he started talking and I don't know what happened and the gate randomly opened and he came down and he was like, he was collecting for something and I was like, oh, mate, no,

I'm really busy and he was like, let us in, let us in, just say no, did you? And I'm like, the gate just opened? I just said no on the fucking speaker if I could have, you tosser.

It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Public. Boris, stop stealing. We're material, would you? Yeah, yeah. We'll see you in court, motherfucker. As always, if you want to get in touch, guys, it's shagmardinoid at gmail.com

please continue to send stuff genuinely it's awesome thank you in advance before we delve into your

crazy crazy minds here we go hey Rosie and Chris let me start by saying I will not be staying anonymous because fuck it

bold I'm Dina been happily married for five years, but have a great meet the parents story for you. Happy days. My now husband is meeting my mum for the first time. We'd been dating for about a month, been wined and dined and got to the stage of Netflix and chill.

So, we were relaxing on the sofa, chatting, watching TV, when my mum decides to call me on FaceTime I answer thinking nothing of it just a casual chat with my mum Z's mm-hmm whilst also telling my then boyfriend that it's a great opportunity for him to introduce himself to her face to face even though it's virtually yeah so the boyfriend has never seen seen a or chatted to the mom and she's about confident the moms just face time in the in the girlfriend's like oh well yeah has never seen her or chatted to the mam. And she's about to come through on the phone.

And the mam's just FaceTimed and the girlfriend's like, oh, well, yeah, you can meet me mam. I answer. And what do I see? My lovely mother on the toilet. Fantastic. Definitely doing a number two.

Yes, really. Well, it didn't end there. Any normal person would hang up straight away. But no, not me, nor my mother. Instead, I turned the camera to my boyfriend, tell him to say hi. He couldn't believe what he was saying. Awkwardly, he said hi and threw the phone back at me. What happens next? No, neither of us hang up. My mum then starts to make conversation whilst pushing. That's not cool.

That is not cool at all. After a good 10 minute conversation, I told my mother that although it is lovely to have this chat, it may be time to speak at a later stage. She whizzes. Why would you? That's really bad. You're the only person I ring from the toilet.

Yeah. I don't ring anyone else I don't think I'd even Ring my mum from And that's saying something Because my mum Usually comes in When I'm on the loo But I would

You're the only person I call Yeah Or FaceTime from the toilet I do a lot of texting On the toilet Do you I will sit down

You know I've got a busy life I'll sit down I'll have a little moment I'll catch up on my correspondence While I'm Dropping the kids off at the pool and weirdly this morning I text because I did a pilot for TV show with Davina McCall the other day and I texted Davina McCall while I was on the toilet just saying please don't don't

say that well she doesn't know it's just a text but I say no really good work with you blah blah blah you know good luck with the things you've got coming up you know work with you again soon and I just had this horrible horrible feeling that i might because she didn't have my number i got i got her number yesterday and she said give us a text so i've got your number yeah i just had this awful feeling that there might have been some burning question that you had and then as soon as i text her she's like oh that's oh that's him now like you imagine oh no not facetime but you imagine like davina mccall ringing you while you're around i was like i just thought i can. I had a real panic about it.

I put my phone on silent. I put it on the windowsill. Took the mirror off, did you? I took the mirror off the wall. Covered me cameras. She can see us. Well, Big Brother was all about that. That might have been where it came from.

Big Brother. Mirrors. Davina McCall. Chris. In mirrors. We're being watched. That's it. She's in the mirrors.

She's in the mirrors. This is a little bit disgusting, and we've talked about this subject quite a lot, so apologies, you might be like, oh, they're talking about this again, but I just could not, I could not not mention this. Okay.

Okay. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just been listening to episode 88, where Chris is so disgusted by the eight-year-old pillow. Right. Remember, someone had a pillow for eight years. Horrible. It was the pregnancy pillow.

Yeah. Well, only recently have I confessed to my best friend the actual age of my pillow that I refused to part with. The look on her face made me realise

that perhaps it isn't normal to have a, wait for it, 41-year-old pillow. Fuck off. Fuck off. Nah. No.

Nah. Get in the bin. You and the pillow. You put that pillow in the bin and fucking jump straight in the bin after it. It's the first pillow I ever had as a child when I moved into a big bed from a cot. Filthy, horrible animal.

It gets worse. It's a big, heavy duck feather pillow. Oh my God. The type you can't buy any longer And also can't put in the washing machine Sometimes A little sharp feather Pokes out from the fabric and stabs you in the face

Even though it now has about Four to five layers of pillowcases on it Four to five Layers of pillowcases Yeah it's 41 year old it'll be dropping To bits I hate her Anyway I'm not planning on replacing it to five layers of pillowcases. Yeah. It's 41-year-old. It'll be dropping to bits. I hate her. Anyway,

I'm not planning on replacing it anytime soon. Oh, why would you? Why would you? Or in fact, ever. It's only painful and 40-odd-year-old and you've got a...

Oh, hey, God damn you. 41-year-old pillow, Chris. You filthy, just... Nah, I am raging with this. It's horrible, isn't it? Have you ever slept on a duck pillow?

It's disgusting. The dew, the skids come through at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. raging with this. It's horrible, isn't it? If you ever slept on a duck pillow, it's disgusting. The dew, the skids come through at you, they get you, the feathers. And then, oh, it'll have no left in it. It'd be awful. Oh, I bet you them feathers are fucking green inside. I bet it stinks. I bet you can smell that pillow from the front door. I bet you, when she wakes up, I bet you her whole head stinks.

Yes. Oh, like wearing a dirty hat all the time. Oh, you filthy meh. You filthy meh. I'm so angry I'm actually saying meh, and I would never say meh because it's quite sexist, but I don't even care. 41-year-old pillow.

Wow. Nah, 41. How is it not like... I just thought it would perish. I thought it would be gone. God knows. Oh, God. Thought you'd enjoy that. Babadoo would be gone. God knows. Oh, God. Thought you'd enjoy that.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. God, we had one here. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. A short one here, but one of those that will make you cringe. Love it. These are my favourite. Come on.

Pre-lockdown, me and a couple of my mates were in a bar chilling. Remember them. Remember that. When one of the two I was with said, that lad at the bar is wearing a, now I don't know what this is, but it's Balenciaga jacket or something. Is that a brand?

It must be a brand. And brand new Jordans, which are Jordans at night trainers. Must be like nice flashy clothes, right? My other friend and I were perplexed, never having heard of a balenciaga again i don't know what it is and not really knowing what he was getting at he could tell we didn't know what he was talking about and he followed up with her his outfit must be worth

more than a grand why is he in a weatherspoons in carlisle right fucking nosy prick like he might have lost his way he started speculating about how someone from around here could afford that. And so, as the guy, who looked to be about 20, walked back to his friend's pints in hand, my friend stopped him and said, excuse me, I like your outfit. I just wanted to know what your job is that you can afford to dress like that. What a prick. Oh oh my word okay can you imagine say hi excuse me you don't know me uh i just uh hang around in this weather spoons uh judging people and i've decided you look like you're wearing

expensive clothes explain yourself like it's the opposite of when you get stopped when you're in first class yeah train and people go do you know this is first class yeah yeah it's the opposite of when you get stopped when you're in first class yeah train and people go do you know this is first class yeah yeah it's the opposite of that it's the like that's too expensive you shouldn't be in this establishment why are you in here mixing with the common folk please like what kind of questions that right so this guy said any ideas on the response he thinks it could have been a rosie's mystery right any all right okay oh what his job is well why what do you think the guy said back there could be fake could all be fake clothes or you might have rich parents or you know who knows you could have one they could have had them clothes forever and anyway guy who had just been smiling at the compliment looked a

bit taken back then said very solemnly my dad recently passed away and decided to use some of the money that he left me to buy some nice clothes and feel a bit better about it. Dickhead. There's a lesson there for everyone. I mean, if you are the kind of person

who would ever stop someone and go oh, by the way, I've decided that they're expensive what do you do? Because I'm a nosy twat. Poor bugger. Have you ever? That's awful. Have you ever? I mean, it they're expensive. What do you do? Because I'm a nosy twat. Poor bugger. Have you ever? That's awful. Have you ever?

I mean, it's so cringe. I mean, I don't think it's true. Do you not? I think he's just got rich parents. Do you really? Well, no, he wouldn't come up with it that quickly, I suppose. If someone turned around and said to me, how can you afford that, by the way?

I would come up with something like that. Yeah, you would. To really shatter their existence for the foreseeable future. Hope he felt terrible. I hope he felt disgracefully bad. That is the rudest, most nosy fucking thing.

Yeah, but he won't have felt terrible because somebody who asked that won't have felt terrible about saying that. Yeah, no, to be fair, yeah. You'd be like, oh. What's wrong with that? I just wanted to know.

There'll be people listening to this now thinking that that's not that bad. And you know who you are they're listening going well I would say that as well you know what knobhead

daint that's hilarious though I mean I'd say it I would say it amongst my friendship group yeah like they're wearing whatever you find

yeah yeah I would say it I'd be like look at this well if someone drives like a ridiculous

you go bloody hell look at that oh I wonder what they do. Wonder what they do is the phrase, not I'll go and ask them. I'll go and ask them. Brilliant. Question here as well.

You might not have anything for it off the top of your head. Have you ever really put your foot in it with a complete stranger? I've done it. Yeah? I remember, and it still haunts us to this day. And now, as a woman who's had a child, it haunts us even more.

When I was younger and I worked at Dorothy Perkins, there was a lady came in and she was buying clothes. And this taught me to never, ever, ever ask if anyone's pregnant. Even if they... Oh, no. No, they could be the day before the due date and they could be having a £12 baby.

I will... I'll not even... I'll not even glance towards it at all, even if they're, like... Even if they're wearing a top that says, Mummy, or, like, baby on board. I'm not even going to mention it. Even if the water's breaking in front of you.

And be like, oh, what? You pissed yourself. Yeah. Is that a glass of water in your pocket? No. I once asked a lady when she was due a baby, and her response to me was, oh, he's six weeks old and he's in the car.

And I wanted the ground to actually swallow me up. And I felt so bad. Because now, as a woman who's had a child, your stomach doesn't go down magically like it does in the films that's there for a while. And yeah, she said, and I was like, oh God. And I think I was

hungover as well. So it was just a double shit day. I mean, she shouldn't have left the kid in the car. I hope the kid was with somebody. Hey, six weeks old, he's tied up outside on a bollard. Now you're in parking. Hey, six weeks old, he's tied up outside on a bollard.

Yeah, he's not here in parking. Got one here for you. Settle an argument. Chris and Rosie, quick one for you. We need your help settling an argument. Always. Do you remember this rhyme? Now, first of all, this just shows how much fucking time people have got in this lockdown.

Because people are sending in absolutely just ridiculous things. I love a rhyme though, haven't we? Yeah. So you put the person's name in the rhyme. Right. So I'll do it with Rosie. Okay. Rosie is a funny inn, got a face like a pickled onion, a nose like a squash tomato and...

Don't know that one. Right, great. Well, that's good. Okay, what is it? I need to know the end. They've written here, they've said, I say eyes like green peas, he says legs like matchsticks. I've never heard that rhyme right my dad used to say

to me christopher you're a funny and got a nose like a pickled onion a head like a squash tomato and eyes like green peas so do you think it's green peas yeah because right it couldn't be christopher you're a funny and he's got a face like a pickled onion and nose like a squash tomato and legs like matchsticks it doesn't rhyme b why are matchsticks coming in when all the rest is food produce? Yeah, that's wrong. Doesn't make sense. Well, I'm very annoyed that they're using the theme tune of Charlie Had a Pigeon. Is that what it is?

Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon. Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had. He flew out one morning, he flew out one night. He came back one morning all covered in...lie that's enough that's enough you know it's really annoying you were randomly singing this the other day as well i know i know synchronicity jesus what was the one that my mom because sandra likes to teach

young children really inappropriate rhymes what was the one she taught Robin about gingerbread? Robin Ramsey is no... Oh, yeah, that was it. Robin Ramsey is no good. Chop him up for firewood. When he's dead, boil his head and turn it into gingerbread. Yeah, yeah. Great.

Taught him that when he was two. Yeah. I was like, that is not a rhyme that I wanted to teach me then. Great. Thanks, Sandra. Great. Oh, no, the other one she did was, see this finger, see this thumb, see this fist,

you better run. Yeah, that was a good one. That was nice when he went to the nursery and did that to the teachers. Can you remember once she accidentally said shit and he said shit, he came back and he said shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, from Mamaw's house. No, this is what I don't understand about me, Mam.

Do you know that when we were younger, I wasn't allowed to call me brother and sister a pig? Right. That's how strict she was. Like, I wasn't even

allowed to say, oh, you pig. Of course you were. That's horrible. No, but I mean, I mean, Chris, I'm talking when I was like 15.

I still got wrong for calling me brother and sister a pig. We weren't allowed to watch Neighbours. Heartbreak High got scrapped. I wasn't allowed to watch EastEnders for years. Until I was out drinking, that's when I was allowed to watch EastEnders, right? She was so strict.

I've told you this before. She turned back her grove off because somebody said cow. Yeah. And somebody put someone's hand up their top. We were talking about putting their hand up their top. The second I put my hand up your jumper, they turned said cow. Yeah. And somebody put someone's hand up their top, was talking about putting their hand up their top. The second I put my hand up your jumper and they turned it off. Yeah.

Yeah. But then she says, all sorts in front of Robin. She doesn't give a shit. And I'm like, ma'am, really? Where's your ma'am filter? See this finger? See this thumb? See this fist, ma'am?

Oh, you better bloody run. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. I was... Very passive-aggressive. I'm really starving. I was scrolling through Facebook the other day

and came across this very bizarre story and thought it would be absolutely perfect for your podcast. The story starts off with a 23-year-old couple who are engaged to be married. However, the groom noticed something weird while they were engaged. He said that he noticed that the bride's cousins were making jokes about the wedding night.

And he thought that this was weird as they had shared rooms at family gatherings before, so they must have known that they'd slept together by now. Right, okay. Okay, I'm just clocking on. So, right. I'll let you carry on. He's making jokes about the wedding night,

but he's thinking on it. Like jokes like, hey, get your leg open and all that. Yeah, and he's like what he had sex right the hell a few days after this they were coming up with places they could go on their honeymoon during this the bride points out that they won't be needing the bridal suite right away the groom is obviously very confused and he asked why she said that she wanted to stay at her parents house on the night of the wedding and this is where it starts to get weird the bride

told her confused boyfriend that on the night of the wedding and this is where it starts to get weird the bride told her confused boyfriend that on the night of the wedding they will be going into the master room of their parents house where they will consummate their marriage while the rest of the bride's family waits outside the room no then applaud and cheer the couple when they come out no that's not real it went viral this story i said they've. That's not real. It went viral, this story. They've sent the link to the thing. It went viral. What? But wait, that's not the end of it.

Once they have done all of this, a piece of the bed sheet that they have just consummated their marriage on will be cut off and sewn into a big tapestry that the bride's mother owns. Oh, no. That's not... Do you know what it is?

No, that probably is true. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's grim, isn't it? Yeah. Really grim. That's so grim. All waiting outside. But the fact that the cousins are like, looking for the wedding night, I'm going to be on the landing, wanking off. That is so medieval,

though. It's, well, apparently, back in, like, you know, the day, I think it was like a pagan thing. Yes, no, it is. They would literally get married. That's where the kiss comes from. Yes. So they would literally have sex in front of the whole congregation to consummate the marriage.

Yeah, that is true. Now we've just downgraded it to the kiss. Thanks, fuck. The same way we've downgraded a clinking of glasses used to be pour some of your drink into mine and pour some of my drink into yours so we don't want to poison it. And it made a clink now.

It's now we just do the clink. Yeah. That's so grim that that is still practiced places. We did a very diluted version of that. Beg your pardon? Well, we were so hammered on our wedding night that we had to go to me mum's room

where me mum me nana and me auntie Kath ended up sleeping on the floor do you remember because she hadn't got a room

she ended up sleeping they had to get me out of my dress because you passed out on the bed yeah so we so they were kind of there

on the wedding night I just couldn't get you out of the dress there was a lot of buttons I didn't pass out on the bed that sounds terrible I just couldn't get you out of the fucking dress You couldn't get, there was a lot of buttons. I didn't pass out on the bed. That sounds terrible. I just couldn't get you out of the fucking dress. Yeah.

It was really hot in that room that we were in as well. It was sweating. Yeah. But do you remember going along to me mum's room, me mum and nana's room, where me auntie Kath was, and going in the bathroom? Oh my God. Do you remember?

Yeah. This is so, for anyone, so we went to our suite and then we went, that sort of bridal suite or whatever, and then we went along to the room that, again, so it's already scummy because your mum and your nana are sharing a bed there in that one room because they're scumbags. Then your auntie Kat's lying on the floor, sleeping on the floor because she didn't want to get a room or whatever

because she's a scumbag as well. I think she might have had a pull-out bed. I think we might have got her a pull-out bed. I can't remember. Open the bathroom door to go to the toilet, and in the bath, in a half-full bath of water, was all of the flowers from the day that they'd fucking nicked off all of the tables.

Every single flower arrangement. Every single one was in this bath. It was in the shower. In the sink. I couldn't wash my hands. I went back to our room to wash my hands. And there was even one sat on the toilet that you had to take off

to go onto the toilet unbelievable bravo like bravo because I didn't even see them taking them next level next level next level

next level next level next level next level because I remember going to my auntie Karen's house a week after our wedding and she had

a flower arrangement for our wedding on the table I was like that's lovely I was like I reckon it's from your wedding

I was like that is yep class absolutely class there's one last bit of this letter as well of this email

obviously he wasn't happy when she first told him this and he was keen to point out that he wants nothing to do with it but he doesn't want to annoy his girlfriend she said that they can

just pretend to have sex on the wedding night if he feels uncomfortable with it what so literally the family would be on the side

going oh yeah oh great oh that's. Oh, great. Oh, that's the spot. So grim. The mother of the bride has spoken to him about this and explained that he doesn't understand the importance of the family tradition yet. Oh.

So she literally phoned him up to bollock him. Can you imagine that? This is... Listen, you don't understand. It's a tradition. You will go in there, right, and we will be out on the landing and you will book my daughter

and that'll be the end of it. Social services need to be involved with this. This is horrific. That is so bad. It's weird, like, isn't it? Would you be up for that? Absolutely not. What if my mum had said,

look, the wedding... What if I'd said, look, the wedding's off if I had said, look, the wedding's off unless this happens? Well, well, well actually, right,

okay, when you really think about it, the first night we met and, you know, did that. Mum and dad were in the next room. They were in the next room.

They probably heard. I mean, yeah, but we had to have them outside. you know, as a thing... No, I couldn't do that. No, I'm all right for that, actually. No.

No, thank you. Stuff like that makes us really cringe. I'm not one of these people when... You know how you watch these programmes, like the Love Islands and stuff, and they're all in the same room. I'm... No, I'm all right for it.

Thanks. Thank you. No, thank you. I'm absolutely all right for it, but I don't know how they do it the same room. No, I'm all right for it. Thanks. Thank you. No, thank you. I'm absolutely all right. But I don't know how they do it on them shows. No. The reality shows where they have sex and there's literally someone else on another bed.

It's not even a reality show thing. It happens on holidays where people share rooms and they're all just in the same room. And like, it's just not okay. If my friend dared to come back with somebody and be in the room in the bed next to me, I'd be like, excuse me? This is not okay.

I don't know who these friendship groups are. If you're listening, any of my mates, they're all married now, so it's very boring. I'd be even more raging if it was the husband. I'd be like, you, get out of here, both of you, you pair of bellends nah i'd be furious that will be minging like not happening don't you dare come into my hotel room and have sex while i'm right here and when you're finished if you go in the bathroom and

wash your dick take the flowers out the sink they're for me ma'am once again thank you so so so much for listening this week's episode of shag my Lloyd, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yeah, thank you very much. I just want to echo what Rosie said. We genuinely can't believe that you're still listening, still enjoy it. So thank you so, so much. It is, you know, there's a lot of bullshit flying around these days, but we are genuinely humbled and buzzing.

And that's all you're getting. I'm going to start being a dickhead again now. If you want to get in touch at shagmarloydoneatgmail.com, the merch is on sale on the website. The cups are back in stock and some more stuff coming very soon. Just in time for Christmas. No, no.

Nothing to do with Christmas. Bye! Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7 30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee

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