Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 92. Narrow Church

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

On the podcast this week Chris is revealed as a listener's guilty crush but there are some questions surrounding his character, the couple celebrate no longer peeing in a bucket and they discuss their Sunday Brunch experience. Barry Beef makes a return and QFTP's involves gin miniatures and bad dates! Enjoy. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Denoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. It's time! Was that the USC guy? Yeah. Was that Bruce Buffer? That was really, really good. Thank you.

I imagine people got a shock there. Well, that was the intention. Rosie, do you know some people listen to this as soon as it comes out on a Friday? I get messages like, sometimes if Robin slept in, I'd get messages at like half seven going, love the podcast. I'm like, are sometimes if Robin's slept in, I get messages at like half seven going, love the podcast. I'm like, are you, how's that happened? Morning.

Crazy. But yeah, I think if you're, you know, if you're out there on a heath, if you're out on a little foggy heath walking your dog in the silent and Rosie shouting that in your ears give you a shock, then I apologise on behalf

of both of us. I do not apologise. Right, well, I apologise on behalf of both, so mine counts, mine overrides you because I'm the boss. She didn't go, we had a go with calling myself the boss.

Just want to crack on, if I'm honest. Guys, it's episode 92. Thank you so much for listening and subscribing and all that beautiful stuff you do. And without any more pissing about, it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's lucrative sponsor is adult onesies oh hey oh adult onesies i love an adult onesie hey have you just given up do pajamas fail to convey to the outside world just how much of a fucking mess you are

well you need an adult onesie you stupid stupid, toasty warm, giant baby. No. Have you scripted that? Yeah, because it's actually printed on the back of the adult onesies that'll be on the Shagmire Noid website very soon for sale. Merch. Okay, I see where you're going with your response there. Honestly, pick the kids up from school in your adult onesie,

Shagmire Noid, send a photo to us and we will, I mean you'll not win anything, we'll just laugh at you. Don't do that because I used to work in a nursery and there was a couple of families, when onesies were dead, dead popular. Yeah. When onesies, in the onesie hair day. Remember. There was a year.

Fucking A, honestly, the year of the onesies. I think it was 2001sie. Oh. I've peaked. Where is it? Get me out of here. Taxi, get me out of here. Get him. There's nothing more I can give. I'm empty.

Honestly, if the Edinburgh Fringe had been on this year, you'd have done all of the shows. Sorry. You've got no frame of reference. I don't know how it works. I've done all of the shows. I don't know how Edinburgh Fringe works. You tell us, but I don't care.

There's a lot of things going on. That's very high, bro. You tell us, but I don't care. There's a lot of things going on. Ah, that's very high, bro. You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't. I don't think I'd care. Anyway, so what year was it? It was the year we met. 2013?

That was ones a year. Very popular. We definitely did meet. Did we? 2008? Yeah, it might have been 2000. No, 2012. 2012, sorry.

Right. Okay, that was the ones a year. That was the ones a year. And a couple of parents used to come and pick the kids up from the nursery in the onesies. And the manager of the nursery had to say, excuse me, can you please stop picking your child up in your onesie? Because you're not setting a very good impression for the children.

Really? Because they just think, well, grown-ups don't get ready during the day. It's not very, you know, you're setting a precedent. It's very much a fuck you to your kid as well hey you've been here all day I've actually been sitting on my arse it's been great

you've been here like a chump basically yeah that playstation didn't turn it off mate hasn't been off all boiling hot had this on since 8 o'clock this morning

it's now quarter past 3 sniff it yeah so got wrong when we had the when we had the what with the sniff it why did you say that?

I don't know. It's just the smell. In other news, I do love a onesie though. Still a very big fan of a onesie. Yeah? Less washing. Really? Yeah, wash one giant garment.

Don't like drying them. It's a nightmare on that clothes era. Wash your onesies on their own, put them in a clothes era each. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. Yeah. This is still the intro, by the way.

Right, that's the jingle. Fucking hell. Honestly, you've got one bit in the beginning to say, you know, Shag Mary Noir with my husband, and then whatever hilarious little diss you put on there, and then here's the jingle. I even did the thing. I had my hand up in the air rolling on,

and you're just blithering on. Honestly, this is... I've peaked early, so you can't carry this on your own, so I don't know what's going on. Fucking disaster. Might as well chew now. Episode 92. Good God god here's the fucking jingle oh my god what a horrible way to introduce the here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle

jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. As always, and Chris has already said in the introduction, we're so happy to have you back. Thanks for joining us every week. And I just wanted to say really quickly from the both of us, we're still in this horrible time, uncertain time, and I don't feel like we've said, hope you're all okay.

It's really hard. You're allowed to feel like it's hard. We're all struggling and genuinely just hope that everyone's okay i just wanted to say that well that's that's very nice and uh jokes aside i echo that as well and we do this to just forget about it and have a little laugh and hope that it does the same for you yeah there you go i've had a quick just not that i'm going straight the cues from the pews but i've had a really important email okay is this nice and... I'm assuming this is going to be nice and uplifting and positive, like what we just said there. Yeah? Maybe not for you.

Great. So you're segwaying from a lovely little bit there. I mean, I suppose get them back, you know, drag it back down to the gutter where it lives. Okay, great. Only for you. I think the listeners might enjoy this and I found it quite funny.

Is this someone saying I fucking interrupt you again or something? No. Okay, so I got an email and it was a Rosie's Mystery. We're not using the Rosie's Mystery, but thank you so much to the person who sent it in. But anyway. Thanks, but no thanks. Thank you, but no thank you.

Didn't make the grade. That's ridiculous. No, but there was a PS on the end of the email. Oh, Jesus. And it said, Chris was also my embarrassing celebrity crush too. Again,

why my people's embarrassing crush? I know I'm not the fittest guy in the world, right? I'm not fucking Ryan whatever his name is. Reynolds. Or the other one, the Gosling one. He's lush and all. I'm not one of the fit Ryans. I'm not Joel Dommett. I understand this, right? Yeah. But I'm not likeans I'm not Joel Dommett I understand this right

yeah but I'm not like I'm not fucking repulsive I can't be like it's not like people say oh yeah I fancy him then they have to go and brush their fucking teeth

after saying it I mean come on why am I everyone's embarrassing don't look at me I married you for God's sake oh yeah

it was my embarrassing marriage you and your deathbed Chris do you know you were my embarrassing life partner you were my pity partner. Fuck me, honestly. I can't get over this.

So she also embarrassingly fancies you too, right? But then, that's not even the bad bit, okay? Oh, what's not the bad bit? No, so she's put, but, right, I've also seen that someone said on a Facebook group that he's a dick in real life

so they've said somebody said on a Facebook group that you're a dick in real life and it's made this girl really sad and she said

Rosie can you confirm if this is true as I don't want to believe it so to the person who sent this in I can confirm that yes oh my god

no hey what a start of this week's episode few minutes in i've been kicked while i'm down i'm sorry i thought it was funny but no listen you're not a dick in real life why why are you convincing me i'm not a dick on on your own 50 of my own podcast that's not me emailing asking if i'm a dick but why is she asking me if all the people ask yeah currently with your child yeah who i'm happily married to why is she asking me if if you are a dick in real life because she's gutted yeah like does she want you to reply in code do you think she's seen you sitting on the drive in the car like what we talked about last week and she thinks he must be must be addicted doesn't want to go back in the house so much of this like

i don't know if we've talked about before on the podcast but we saw a thing before where someone said i was in a restaurant someone said it's facebook we have talked first of all if it's on facebook it's fucking bollocks yeah do not believe what you're doing in a facebook second of all so people always ask me this is right people always say to me like do you uh would you ever do the jungle? Right. And I say, no, I would never do the jungle. Right.

And it's A, I'm terrified of all of the things. Yeah. B, I'm a fucking wimp. C, I like me home comforts and I like nice hotels and hot showers. Yeah. You know, running water and a boiler and, you know, and a comfortable bed to sleep in. Clean hair. Clean.

I'm really, really, you know, particular about stuff I have. But the main reason I would never do anything like The Jungle or anything where they've got a camera on you 24-7 and you can't go

can you turn that off is because everyone's got a part of their day where they have to just have to themselves if I don't get the part of my day

that I have myself I will be I've got a bit of my day where I just need to be a bit of a dickhead but it's normally when I'm on my own so what you're saying is

you are actually a dick in real life. I am a dick, but not when anyone's watching is my point, right? So we've had a thing, again, I don't know if we've talked about it, but someone said in a restaurant on Facebook, it was on one of my posts,

I was promoting me to her and someone commented on it saying he was in a restaurant. Yes. With his family, with me? Yeah, with you. And they said that I told the waiter and I said to the waiter,

do you know who I am? It was too late or something. I was like going, you know, this is called I'd sent the waiter do you know who I am that it was too late or something I was like going you know this is this is cold or such and such do you know who I am apparently I made the waiter

cry and stuff A it was in the restaurant where we know all of the staff and we had our sons christening there and B

you wouldn't let me do that not in a million years you'd fucking string us up in front of everyone and C not being funny that was before children in need funny that was before children in need

that was before i was massive no that was years ago it's bizarre like i i think we think this all the time so whenever you just a little as someone me you know personally who sort of come up the ranks of doing telly and met all of these people on the way up and all these i had a few people in my head where i was like if they turn out to be dicks i will be fucking crushed same ant and deck well before i met ant and deck i was like if they're dickheads i'll be fucking no they're lovely they're lush lorraine kelly i was like if she's a dick i'll be crushed lovely andy peters same oh i love andy peters davina mccall same yeah they were kind of me four that I'd watched for years on telly and I thought, if they're shitheads, I will be my... But most people aren't.

They're just... You might catch someone on a bad day. I heard recently that someone said one of the top chefs, I'm not going to say his name, but they said a top chef, like, oh, he's a dick, him, yeah, he's a dick. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, was he a dick or did you meet him on the tube and he didn't knock you up a fucking lasagna?

Like, do you know what I mean? What was your expectation level of meeting him oh he was such a dick to me honestly i met him on a crowded bus and he didn't even fucking whip us up a panna cotta what a selfish wanker he is not even a little cultural it's fucking ridiculous like i always think that but then again i think that thing of like if you're addicted to waiter waiter in scare court here if you're addicted to the person who's you know i mean runners and stuff on tv shows i fucking i get told off i stop them doing their work because i just sit and chat with them so much but i think you are a nice guy i think it's because i'm working class and

they're the ones getting yeah yeah so just to reiterate chris is not a dick in real life yeah like obviously thank you as if we have to as if alright listeners you've joined us just confirming that Chris Fancy's not a dick in real life that's the world we're living in these days

oh so funny I hope she's not sad anymore I mean I do love the fact that you've answered that but you haven't actually used that mystery so I mean if anything no fuck her

I'm not using that mystery if anything is it Rosie who's the dick possibly is it no she didn't say me but people will say that I'm a dick maybe in that restaurant you were is it Rosie who's the dick? Possibly. Is it? No, she didn't say me, but people will say that I'm a dick. Maybe in that restaurant,

you were sitting there. Maybe I was really drunk in that restaurant and you were sitting there going, sort all these out. Do you know who he is? And you're pointing at me and I was just like, That is something that I would never,

ever say in a million years. I bet you were, but you're going, do you know who he is? Look at him. Look at him. Lift his face out of that soup. He's more or less drunk,

but do you know who he is? Look at his face. Wipe his, mum, wipe his mouth. Look at his face. Bubbling away in a in a minestrone i do love that you know what you did there you sort of went oh here's a mystery i'm not using a mystery but these this bit thanks for the mystery but i'm not using it that's like whenever i do one of these um i always find it really heartless whenever i host like an award ceremony or something back in the day pre-covid when i host them and hopefully again soon they always say you, you've got to say at the beginning of the night, if you're nominated,

very well done, but don't come up. Like, if you're nominated, you'll get a round of applause, but you don't come up. And winners, people who win, well done,

come up, but no speeches. Like, well done, but come on, don't drag it out. Take your trophy and piss off. Is that what they say? Yeah, all the time.

All the time. I always say it. I say like, oh, if you've won, come up, but it always says on the autocue, no speeches. I always say it. I say, like, if you've won, come up. But it always says on the autocue, no speeches. I'm like, really sorry,

but you've seen it on the Oscars, man. They sort of winded them off after 10 seconds. Yeah, I know. No one wants to hear from you. You've won. Now fuck off. Do you know what I always find funny? Says the man who's not a dick.

Do you know what I always find funny about the Oscars? When they win an Oscar and it's, like, lovely, but they, you know how it's for that film which they've worked on but obviously

we know them as these huge stars that have been in loads of different films but all they do is gush about that film and the people that were in that film

with them and I'm like you're not going to see them again what do you mean I don't know I was watching an awards speech

and it was one of my favourite actresses but I don't want to sound like I'm slagging her off because I'm't know. I was watching an awards speech and it was one of my favourite actresses, but I don't want to sound like I'm slagging her off because I'm really not, because I absolutely adore her. But she deserved that Oscar so much. Right. But the film she got her for,

I didn't really rate it. Right. Sorry. And I was like, stop mentioning that film because that's not your best work. You're getting that Oscar. Oh my God. No, you're getting that Oscar. Oh, my God.

No, you're getting that Oscar for everything else that you've done because you are fantastic. But that film, you don't need to mention that film. That's not how, the Oscar response. So you, okay. That's annoying, isn't it? So when DiCaprio got his Oscar, you wanted him to walk up and go, look at it and go, light up a cigarette and be like. Should have got this for the Titanic.

About fucking time, like, you know, lads. About fucking time. Do you honestly think that DiCaprio should have got up there and went be like, should have got this for the Titanic. About fucking time, like, you know, lads? About fucking time. Do you honestly think that DiCaprio should have got up there and went, yes, this is for the Revenant, but listen,

let us take you back, way back. I think he should have went through his, yes, should have got, yeah, should have. But you can't do that.

No, I think he should have went through his full back catalogue. And thanked everyone. Do you want me to tell you who the actress is? Oh, come on. Okay, no.

I mean, it's Olivia Colman. Right. She got that Oscar and I was like, babes, that film, it was all right, I've seen it,. Right. She got that Oscar and I was like, babes, that film, it was all right.

I've seen it, the one that she got it for, but honestly, Broadchurch, you should have got it for that. Right. TV, you can't get that. You can't.

I know, but still. Imagine her at the Oscars, right? This is all well and good that I got, but there, David, is David in? David Tech,

come up here and join me. Look, fuck this. Put the accent on. Come on. Both of us. Like, how are you, man? You guys are ridiculous. Utterly, utterly ridiculous what you're saying.

Okay, well, it's something that's just always irritated us about award ceremonies, because I'm like, we don't care about that one. We care about everything else you did when you were... Can I interest you in the Lifetime Achievement Award? What? That's fair. There should all be Lifetime Achievements. That's ridiculous. That's all you need to watch. Just watch the Lifetime Achievement Award and But that's fair. There should all be Lifetime Achievement. There shouldn't. That's ridiculous.

That's all you need to watch. Just watch the Lifetime Achievement Award and you won't get upset. Yeah. Good God. Just fucking going up and just slagging off the film they're in. What world do you live in? It's Rosie who's the dick. I'm telling you right now.

I reign her in. They get like three minutes to say thank you and all they do is thank the directors and thank the other actors and I'm like, no, Olivia, talk about Broadchurch. She's not going to talk. So this all, right. So this whole thing stems to the fact that you're upset that she didn't talk about Broadchurch in her Oscar speech.

No, because she's fantastic and she's been fantastic and everything she's done, she deserved that Oscar. Peep Show? Do you think she should have already mentioned it? Love Peep Show, yeah. Peep Show is some of our greatest work.

You're a nutter. Something wrong with you. You're a nutter. Hold on. So if we get a mess, if we, I've just realized, when we get,

I mean, we've already had, no, you're a fucking hypocrite. What? What have I done? We've had awards for this podcast and you haven't banged on about

when you used to work on Spark FM. I mean, maybe I should. Thanks for this award. Chris, step aside a second. Now listen, I played the characters at Ponton's.

That's where it's at. Chuckles the characters at pontons that's that's where it's at chuggles the monkey that's who needs this thank you for everything i that i stand by what i say well it's well it's bullshit it's bollocks and it's pointless isn't it i'm you know what i'm gonna get this deleted from the podcast great babadoo babadoo babadoo so um you might have noticed you might have seen on the news, you might be aware of the announcement that has happened. Big, big news, big things going on. Obviously, I'll just bring it up to speed if you're not aware of it. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah, well, come on, it's massive, it's huge, it's the biggest thing that's happening. We are no longer pissing in a bucket. No, we are. Just so you know. Toilet's been installed. No sink, so you do have a wee repute and then you just, you know, just have Toilet's been installed. Yeah. No sink, so you do have

where you're a poo and then you just, you know, just have dirty hands for a while until you go downstairs. I mean, that alarm panel.

We don't touch the banister. That alarm panel where I turn the alarm off in the morning is, I mean, it's radioactive at the minute. Oh, don't do that. But there was a toilet upstairs.

I was thinking about this. I dettled it this morning. No, because I had two wheeze in the night last night I didn't wash my hands but I didn't wash my hands and I was lying in bed going oh man

is that why when I woke up this morning you rubbed my cheek for 20 minutes and said I love you that's why we had really long sex and I had my fingers in your mouth first of all don't lie we didn't have really long sex and secondly if we ever have sex and you try and put your fingers in your mouth. First of all, don't lie. We didn't have really long sex. We haven't had really long sex for ages. And secondly, if we're ever having sex

and you try and put your fingers in my mouth, you're going to fucking lose two fingers. Because I'm going to bite them clean off. He says I'm just putting two in. Well, you're going to lose a fist. Cheeky. You're going to lose a fist. Can you imagine having sex?

Blocks out there. Can you imagine having sex and the woman just whacking a finger in your mouth I bet people would love it Why would I like that? Chris we're too married man We're so vanilla and married I understand it the other way around

Because it's supposed to be like a sucking thing Of what women do But Oh yeah Yeah Alright okay Look at you Suck me finger dick

I bet you love it do you What are you doing? Can you Too far back can you stop that love suck me finger dick interestingly enough suck me finger dick was actually what i said to that waiter who brought them uh cold chips over now i've mentioned briefly in the past that some people, and I'm always quite aware of it, Rosie, I sort of don't ever like to look like I'm cutting you off or interrupting you when you're talking.

But I know we kind of interrupt each other when we have an idea and we just go in. But it's weird. As a man working with a female in this day and age, I don't want to look like I'm at any point kind of oppressing you or trying to talk over you or trying to sort of, you know, man my way over you.

Does that make sense? I mean, good luck trying, but yes. However, viewers of Sunday Brunch on Sunday will have seen firsthand what happens when I don't, when I sense Rosie hesitating, which I did, and I don't quickly nip in because I'm worried people are going to call us a sexist pig or fucking whatever's going on in the news these days.

And I didn't nip in and save you. And I mean, you made a colossal tosser of yourself, didn't you, Rosie? Yeah, I really did. Yeah. So we had a lovely chat with Tim and Simon. Was it lovely?

No, not really. I don't know if it was lovely, and I don't know if it was a chat. It was more of quite an intense interrogation. Yeah. I mean... And over Zoom as well. That's the thing with Zoom.

When you go into a TV studio for an interview, you've got your guard up. You know what you're doing. Yeah. My main worry when I do these Zoom TV things is I'm going to swear because I'm comfortable. I'm in my own house.

Because you're just in your house. I'm going to swear. With your jogging bottoms on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you kind of have to... But when you're in a studio, you kind of'm going to sway. With your jogging bottoms on. Yeah exactly so you kind of have to but when you're in a studio you kind of got your guard up but your guard was down anyway and Tim and Simon I mean the

fucking packs mind you. They grilled you. Literally. I know nothing like it. You crumbled and me like I've known nothing like the way you just crumbled under interrogation. You fucking honestly. I can't well the thing is I'm a terrible liar. Yeah. And so I just i don't know what to say and i've got a bit of baby brain at the minute as well and i've got a bit of covid

brain so i'm just kind of all over the place excuse me um and so we were chatting to tim and simon and the interview was coming to a close and it was a lovely little interview lovely lovely guys and uh and they were like so what you're having for your sunday lunch today and i knew in my head that we had a hello fresh delivery coming yeah and um i was making the pork for the for an advert that i was putting out yeah yeah so i had to take pictures and put an advert out that night of the pork and everything so i knew that that was coming and I knew that I was doing it. And so I said, oh, we're having pork wrapped in bacon with

roast potatoes and all this kind of stuff. And then Simon was like, I can't see the oven on. And I was like, well... And that kind of threw us. I was like, it's not yet because we were having it in the evening. But lunch and dinner dinner so then as we

all call it different things so i was like confused and up in the north we have we have sunday dinner late i mean i don't know about the north actually our families we have sunday dinner quite late like lunch dinner whatever um and then they they i can't it's all a blur chris i think they asked to see it so yeah out of nowhere tim lovejoy went can we see it's all a blur, Chris. I think they asked to see it. So yeah, out of nowhere, Tim Lovejoy went, can we see it? And I thought, ooh, this hasn't been delivered yet. What you going to see here? And you just stood up and went, I'll go and get it. I went to the fridge and I have no idea why I did that.

Rosie, you opened the fridge. I know, I got to the fridge and I was like, it's not in here because it's coming, it's not being delivered yet. And I don't know why I didn't just say that. Chris, I have no idea. They're the most suspicious men on telly I know

it was so bizarre but do you know what happened to us the interview was about to end the interview was about to end and I was like oh they're just going to cut off and they're sat there waiting

live fucking telly and Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmard sitting there going she's going to get this pork there's a producer somewhere in a gallery going right we need an extra

30 seconds on the interview she's going to get the pork I'm sitting there shitting me pants I watched you open and look into an empty fridge. And I thought, what you doing here? And you came back and went, I haven't got it.

It hasn't. And it was, honestly, Rosie, I was embarrassed. I was mortified. I have no idea what I was doing. I was mortified. You didn't say anything. Because I don't want to look like I'm cutting into you and stuff. Because it looks like, do you know what I mean?

I always get this horrible image in my head that people think I'm this northern sexist pig. It was like, oh, I love it. I'll take this one. I'll talk. Do you know what I mean? I always get this horrible image in my head that people think I'm this like northern sexist pig who's like, oh, I love, I'll take this one, I'll talk, you just, like, do you know what I mean? Do you know what's done that?

What? His Facebook groups. That's what's done that. So I don't ever want to look like that. Well, okay, well let's in the future have me back a little bit,

will you? Rosie, when you ask that, no. Are you insane? It's coming in the post. I can't. Sit down. What could I,

yeah, but then I'm digging you out on national telly. Do you know what I mean? Going, oh, by the way, I know she's walking over to the fridge and opening it like an absolute maniac, but it's actually going to hit the doorstep in a couple of hours. I think it's the actress.

I think it's because I'm an actress. Just a bit method. I was like, if I go to the fridge, then it's going to be there. Oh, honestly. No idea. So bizarre. It was very funny.

Shout out to Tim and Simon, the most suspicious men in telly. I've never in my life. I bizarre. It was very funny. Shout out to Tim and Simon, the most suspicious men in telly. I've never in my life... I just wanted to see my pork. I don't want to ask my wife to see her pork on live telly. How dare you. I've never in my life ever had a conversation where someone said,

what happened to your dinner? And I went, pork. And they went, got any evidence? Let me see the evidence now. Unbelievable, guys. Unbelievable. But that's the thing. They thought we were having it straight away.

It was only about 11 o'clock, but they thought we were having it because, I mean, Rimmer, on that TV show, he's knocking up fucking curries at that's the thing. They thought we were having it straight away. It was only about 11 o'clock, but they thought we were having it because, I mean, Rimmer, on that TV show, he's knocking up fucking curries at nine in the morning. I know. I had a curried scotch egg once at about half eight when I got there. My fucking stomach didn't know what was going on.

Good lad, so thanks for having me on. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Just before I start the next segment, obviously everyone's favourite segment currently, Rosie's Mysteries, I have received an email from a lady and she has said, Hi guys, I've been trying to send this email for two days

but I have three soul-sucking children who seem to want or need something from me every single second of every single day. I know the feeling. Yeah. Anyways, to my point. Thanks to Rosie's Mysteries theme song, I now cannot say certain words either out loud or in my head

without hearing or saying the words again with an echo. That's fantastic. And so I thought for this week's Jingle Jangle, I'm going to say the words that she sent. Okay. Okay? Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Ministry.

Misery. Momentary. Mercury. Machinery. Mobility. Majority. Morality. Mortality. Machinery. Mobility. Majority. Morality. Mortality.

Mentally. Modesty. Mahogany. Missionary. Why'd you say missionary? Last one. How often do you say that? Last one, ready?

Monopoly. Monopoly. Monopoly. Monopoly. And that's it. How many? Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly

Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly Monopoly is a year one teacher, a year one teacher, a year one teacher, a year one teacher, a year one teacher, For no reason. Oh, that really made me laugh. Good God. And also as well, just another lovely email that I got. I'll not read the full thing, but there's a year one teacher in North Tyneside called Alex. And I'm not sure if it's male or female, Alex, sorry. Me and my boyfriend are big fans of the podcast. And she has now started using mystery within her classroom. Really? So she'll say at the children, if something goes missing,

she'll go, ooh, where's the such and such? And she goes, mystery. And they all go, mystery, mystery, mystery. Oh, that's mean. And I thought that was very cute. Oh, I'm very happy with that. I know. Here's the mystery.

Yes. Dear Rosie and Chris, I have a mystery for you. It involves a parenting fuck-up. Great. This parenting fuck-up is not my own, but that of my mother's. So don't worry about keeping it anonymous, as I'm always happy to embarrass her to millions of people

whenever possible. Brilliant. Her name is Amanda Porter, formerly Walton or Took or Hockley. Jesus. She loves a good wedding. Crikey. So, imagine having three maiden names. Gee whiz.

What's your maiden name? Could be one of these. God her Facebook name must be intimidating. Must take up a

full page. I don't know I remember people started doing that on Facebook. I remember at a certain time on Facebook before I

got off it because it's a cesspit. It's just full of racist aunties. It really is. Basically, it was just, everyone started hoeing in a double barrel name. They all started hoeing the middle names in. And then they started hoeing the double barrel.

And then they started hoeing what they used to be. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake, man. Jesus. Nobody gives a shit. As a little girl, I always suffered from what we used to call a sore brocky. Right. Which was our term for an irritated vagina. Fuck me. Where's that? Is that Scottish?

Brocky. Brocky. A brocky. I don't know where that's from. She used to get a bit of an irritated down below when she was little. As a child, I used to get a sore broccoli. Mm-hmm. Jesus Christ.

Sounds like broccoli. I don't like it. Does a bit, doesn't it? I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming in agony... Gee whiz! ...from a burning sensation in my downstairs region. Oh, my God! It was awful, from what I remember, and it went on for years.

Oh, I thought you meant a bit of irritation, not waking up screaming. It's very dramatic. Oh, bless her. I'm sorry I took the mic. No, we do you meant a bit of irritation, not waking up screaming. It's very dramatic. Oh, bless her. I'm sorry I took the mic. No, we do find out later why she's got a sore brocky. Oh, great. It's nothing sinister or anything like that.

Brocky. Broccoli brocky. Sweet sassanac in your brocky. Oh, I don't like this at all. Okay. Whenever I would wake up screaming, my mother would come find me before I woke the entire house up and rubbed some soothing cream on the area.

Not sure what it was, but probably Sudocrem or something of that nature. Screaming? Like, waking up screaming is just harrowing. And then a mom must just have the... Like, the ointment must be ready and she must just bolt upright in bed and just take the lid off

and just get a scoop and just run across the landing with a big scoop of cream on her fingers. Oh no! I shouldn't be laughing, but it's just, it's just a funny image and it's just really like,

it's really over the top for what's happening. Fuck! Or Maggie's got a sore brocky again! Oh, I love it okay on the weekends my mother would turn to wine as many parents do just weekends

stronger than me to congratulate slash counsel herself for the hard week she'd had I can only imagine she had one too many glasses after the monumental fuck up she made

later in the evening oh never in the world i awoke as i did screaming in pain i don't think she's been screaming you never know maybe it just really does hurt bless her calling for my mother to come and sort me out she took me to her room laid me on the bed and rubbed on what she believed was pseudocrine and already know what it is and i'm absolutely gutted she believed was pseudocrim. I already know what it is and I'm absolutely gutted. It wasn't pseudocrim. Yeah. What do you think it was?

Depeat. How are you getting these? Banged it straight on. Oh. Depeat. I knew straight away. Fuck me. If she was screaming before.

Well. Good God. She had in fact rubbed on my very sensitive area. Possibly the worst thing you could rub on your lady parts. It was deep heat. Honestly, I only knew what deep heat smelled like.

I'd never experienced it until strictly. Oh my God, if that went anywhere near my dick, I would hit the fucking roof. I can only imagine how bad that must be. My whinging went from a whimper to a deafening scream, which most definitely did wake the whole house as my vagina burned from the inside oh no to relieve my agony she ran a cold bath as i sat on a frozen bag of peas oh my god i believe it was several hours before the pain

subsided so i could go back to bed rest assured she never made this mistake again god she will find listen this is the, you find out why she's had a bad Brockie. Stop him, Brockie. She eventually took me to the doctor where she discovered it was the cheap bubble bath, shampoos and conditioners which were irritating my Brockie after an evening bath. Good grief.

Mm-hmm. Good grief. So, there you go. The Parent and Four Paws, not thinking it was them things. I mean, obviously, the DP is a massive parent in four pies. Oh yeah, the parent in four pies just letting it carry on for ages.

But then again... Ah, she just wakes up screaming that's what she does and a high bed cream on and we'll go back to bed. When we rented that hot tub Robin did get an infection on his tiddler

because of the hot tub. Yeah, because he was in it for too long. And we didn't take him to the doctor's for a good couple of weeks. We couldn't take him to the doctors for a good couple of weeks we couldn't take him to the doctors well we couldn't yeah but he was scratching

and scratching a lot I was like do you know what I mean I was like it's a habit it's a habit it's just got a habit he just

wants to be a rapper babadoo babadoo babadoo You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't.

The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th

when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for what's your beef what's your beef hi chris you little shit it's me barry oh hello hello i haven't been around for a while. Hello, Barry. Mainly due to Rosie's lack of enthusiasm and creativity. But I'm back.

I just want to say, yeah, I read. I'm all right. Hope you're doing all right. Got you. Just to let you know, I'm not a doctor anymore. Really? No. You've retrained?

I've retrained. Terrible time to retrain from the medical profession, but carry on. Do you know what it is, Chris? Yeah. Too busy. Too busy. And they all stopped clapping so you were

very much in it for the glory were you why am I doing this eh weeks that went on for it

was the best time in my life honestly we used to come outside the hospital everyone was clapping it was fantastic then all of a sudden I seen on the Facebook group

I seen oh the last clap the night and I thought yeah what last clap and I just thought

nah I'm not doing this anymore and I also on that Facebook group someone said you were a dick yeah never yeah it's going around can't believe it so I'm just retraining anymore and I also on that Facebook group someone said you were a dick yeah never yeah it's going around I can't believe it so I'm just retraining

at the minute can I think for the life of me what I am retraining for but I'll let you know next time I speak to you right okay cool well yeah it's a sandwich artist

sandwich artist at Subway right yes okay which one are you are you the one who cuts the bread

are you the one who does the meat and stuff? I do the filling and then the toaster. You do the filling and the toaster. If they want the toaster, if they want the cheese melted... So you don't touch the salad? No. No.

Don't like salad. Okay. Don't, I can't even touch it. Okay, so you put it in the toaster. Honestly, if I touch a bit of salad, I will vomit. Okay, how do you feel about toasting it twice? Because I do like it toasted for twice the amount of time.

Oh, bellends. Are you? Yeah, no, bellend. want to toast it twice on your bike, son? What do you think this is? Bloody The Ritz. You're at Subway. All right, man. So, see you, speak to you later anyway. Take care, right? Ben, all right? Just go. How's me baby? See you later anyway Take care right Ben alright Just go How's me baby See you later

Bye Little clap No For old times sake No Catch you later Bye bye bye I didn't mean to call you Gabe

I'm not Gabe I'm not Gabe Alright bye That was interesting I didn't mean to call you Gabe I'm not Gabe alright bye that was interesting poor man glory hunter honestly what a scumbag

what an absolute scumbag right my beef with you this week right my beef with you this week is you call me a liar all the time. You say that I lie quite often.

You say I do little lies to get out of things and little different things. We've had this before. Yeah, well, you're the fucking liar, mate. I'll tell you that right now. How?

Right? Because we're talking about the idea with, you know, don't let him, Chris, don't let him eat any sweets and stuff like that. And then when you've got him, it's just like fucking Charlie

in a chocolate factory just hiding sweets in his mouth. You did it the other day with Christmas presents. You did it the other day. I was on Amazon ordering some stuff for him and I was like, oh, can I get some? No, nothing. No, I don't want to spoil him. Nothing more. You popped out of the shop. You came back in. I've got him

some presents. If you say to us, right, no, Chris, I like to just buy a little surprise when I see it now and then and it adds up so I don't want to get them too much online. I'd absolutely be fine for that, but you don't say that. That's the truth and you don't say the truth. You lie your way around it, right? And you also did it.

I've got it written down here. You did it. We've just had the bathroom. The bathroom's nearly finished. Right. Shower's been done, right? I said, can I have a shower the other day? And you were like, no, it's not dry. Something might go wrong. Don't have a shower. And I said to you today, are you just not wanting can i have a shower the other day and you were like no it's not dry something might go wrong don't have a shower and i said to you today are you just not wanting me to have a shower until it's completely finished for some weird reason and you went yes i am right just admit it stop okay fibbing stop fibbing to me and then when you fib telling me i'm a fibber because you're a

fibber okay let's just get to the bones of this. Right, okay. I bought them them extra couple of little toys, which were tiny BTW, because I think it's nice just to not buy everything online. I hate buying stuff online, but because of this blooming whatever's going on, I feel like we've had to, because I don't want to go to the shops when it's even in December.

If they open the shops, who knows? We'll probably be put in tier three. So I'm trying to think ahead. I went to B&M and I bought a couple of little things right give us a bit of pleasure so i'm sorry i didn't mean don't buy anything else it was just because i seen them stocking fillers right right second thing the shower yeah i would rather that it all be done and then we'll have a shower but at the same time that ceiling that ceiling to whatever it is it wasn't dry yet wasn't dry and you what you would have done is you would have went in that shower and the fucking screen would have come off and you'd have went oh oh gonna have to ring them and i went chris it wasn't dry yet oh but i didn't and so i was trying to just sound a lot like barry

beef in that weird weird so I was just trying to save it but now I've actually I am on the I would rather wait till it's all finished good yeah

you just want me to have a shower when you say it's okay to have a shower just want it to be all done you don't want to shower in a half done bathroom I did

I literally wanted to shower in a half done I'm sick of baths and I never thought I'd say that well I know but we haven't even had the ceiling painted

so it's just it's bare plaster don't fucking even had the ceiling painted, so it's just bare plaster. Don't fucking shower on the ceiling, do I? Why not? Showering on the ceiling. Stop fibbing. Stop fibbing. Here's my point.

Stop fibbing. Sorry. Stop saying that I'm fibbing when you're a fibber as well. Let's just fib together. How are you then? What should it be for me? I've got two. No!

What? No, can I not do two? Shall I save one for next week? It's up to you. I just don't know which one. I'm not bothered. I've already been hammered on an email. I've been called a dick online.

I've been called fucking someone's secret crush. You know what it is? Come at us. Come at us, bitch. I've got a few of them. I'll do the ones. You've got some new sayings at the minute. I've got some new sayings.

Which are really pissing me off. Hold on. I did have, what was the one? Beg your puddin'. I did beg your puddin'. You haven't been doing that as much. That actually worked. You haven't done that as much. I've got another one that I feel like I might be annoying. Can I try and guess it? If you want, yeah.

Is it hokey-cokey? No, but is that a thing? Whenever you say can you do something, I go hokey-cokey. Oh, I haven't heard that yet. Thank the Lord. Be prepared to hear it a lot for the rest of the day. Please don't. Please don't, because we need to get our sex life back on track

when this baby comes. And if you are shouting out hokey-cokey, I will not want to have sex with you. So you don't want me to say that anymore? No, thank you. Hokey-cokey. Where's that bucket? It's a bin now.

Your new phrases, the worst one is when we're doing, because we're being quite busy. Yeah. And if we're doing something, you always say, if it's not the thing, the task that you're meant to be doing, you go, just worried because I can feel the day slipping away. You're not going to say that. It's horrible. It's awful.

So the first time I said to you, I can feel the day slipping away, I saw your eye twitch slightly. I was like, she didn't like that. So I just went like level 10. Oh, yeah. And I try and get at least one a day in now. Horrible. Yeah.

Another one, which you've said a couple of times, and I thought it was a joke at first. I'm not sure what this one will be you've said a couple of times and i thought it was a joke at first i'm not sure what this one would be there's a couple of them so you went uh yeah rosie and i went yes you went i like the cut of your jib a couple of times you've said that and i what what is that i just run out of little compliments to see around the house i just run a workshop and a few new comments i like the cut of your jib i think it's i think it's quite neutral i think it's very positive but it's quite neutral. I think it's very positive, but it's quite neutral. It's not overly affectionate.

It's not soppy. It's just like, hey, you, I like the cut of your jib. It's horrible. It's like you're talking to a horse. Why are you talking to horses? Just going around the stables

with the guy who owns the horse and going, look at him, I like the cut of his jib. That's how it sounds. And the worst one. Okay, I definitely don't know what this one is.

In life, I'm on my phone quite a lot, but I like to watch the telly at the same time. So I pause the TV a lot. I do that a lot. You've started now, recently, very irritatingly. When I pause the telly, there's people on the telly, you look at the telly. I love this.

You look at me and you go, I telly I love this you look at me and you go I can print that print that off for you in a picture if you want because it's paused and I say no it's paused the telly

so yeah guys just to explain that if you didn't get it so basically it was paused the idea on it on Escape of the Shadow and it was just paused

I mean you pause you do you pause the telly it should be my beef with you you pause the telly for fucking hours if we had an old telly it would be burnt into beef with you. You pause the telly for fucking hours. If we had an old telly,

it would be burnt into the tube. But thankfully, I think they've sorted that out now. Yeah, and I say, okay, picture that if you want to just look at it. But you meet other one. Did you not spot the other one? We're watching Below Deck.

Shout out to Below Deck Mediterranean. Watching Below Deck Mediterranean the other day. And I thought you'd pick up on it and you didn't. We had it paused while we were discussing something. It was for ages. And two people were cheersing.

And one woman had her arm extended. She had her glass out and she was the main one. Oh, and you went, her arm must be knackering. I do, I. I just didn't. I'm proud of myself. Hey, her arm must be killing. And you just didn't react.

I was like, I should fucking hear that. Because I haven't got the energy anymore. Because sometimes you're really not a comedian. Nah. And you're not, you're just normal, you're just normal Chris. But then some days,

and you're a very good stand-up, right? But some days, you refer to like, old dad crack. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, what is this? Gotta mix it up. It's so irritating. Gotta mix it up. You know, I can't be walking around the house doing full stand it up. You know, can't be wanting the house doing full stand-up.

You know, the furlough thing was new this year. I'll furlough myself a few days of the week from comedy and just be an unfunny tosser. Yeah,

oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's why I won't do I'm a Celeb. It's time for questions from the public. And the Q's

with the Pew's and the Pew's public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, send us a story. It's shagmardinoid at gmail.com. As you've kind of realised by now, they're not even questions anymore. It's stories. It's, you know, apocful tales, if you will.

It's cringe anecdotes. Whatever you want, just send them in. shagmardinoid at gmail.com. And obviously, please continue to like, rate and subscribe because we bloody love it and we love you I love you and thank you

now let's hear what you've been up to you dirty rotten sods yes hi guys just wondering if you can help settle a major beef

in my house major beefs are our speciality I know I love these ones when it was boiling hot and my husband was snoring his head off, I was struggling to sleep. At about 4am, I quietly crept out of the bed, went up to my

daughter's bedroom in the loft, she was sleeping out for the night, and pulled the window wide open. I laid on the bed and feeling nice and cool, finally fell asleep. Get in. When I woke up at Yn ystod 8 am, fe wnes i ddysgu bod fy nghefn wedi gadael i fyny i weithio. Yna fe ddychreuais, hwyl, nid oedd hi'n sgwrsio i fynd i ddweud diwethaf. Yn fwyaf i mi feddwl amdano, yn fwy angron i mi. Mae'n diweddar nad oedd hi'n faterio i mi edrych arno. Turns out he hadn't even bothered looking for me. He'd woken up, no sign of me next to him, got up, had a coffee, used the bathroom, got ready and left the house. Wow. I asked if he'd wondered where I was, as he knew I was at work later than him that day, and he said, well, yeah. I asked why he hadn't looked for me then he said well i knew

you'd be somewhere knew you'd be somewhere that's wonderful what why he's fucking cold isn't he i know that's what if she'd been like taken from the bed and someone climbed in and took her kidnapped and murdered i see i'm the opposite of that we know this i'd have been running around the house like a dog oh i'd have been running around like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Father Frank. I go to the toilet in the night and you're like, are you all right?

Yeah. I'm like, I'm just... I'm attentive. I'm an attentive husband. You would not catch me doing that. But I'd have woke up when you go out of the bed. Where are you going? And you'd have went, I'm going to the other bed.

And I'd have went, why am I in trouble? Have I done something wrong? Are you me friend? Oh God, you're one of... Are you me friend? I've been snoring, I'm sorry. See, but some people are completely not like that. Fair play to her. Someone would have done something wrong. Are you me friend? Are you me friend? I've been snoring, I'm sorry. See, but some people are completely not like that.

Fair play to her. I'd love to be that laid back. Wife's gone. No sign of her. She'll turn up. Where's me coffee? I'll get another one. She's put here, I was furious.

Amazing. What if I hadn't been somewhere? I could have sleptwalked and been anywhere. I could be dead. I could have been kidnapped or murdered. And he didn't even look. I cannot imagine ever waking up and him not being there and just going about my day as if it were normal. Did I overreact?

He's in the wrong here, surely. Am I right to be horrified that he wasn't even slightly concerned about where I'd gone? Yes. I think, and this was three years ago, by the way, and she's still absolutely raging. Right. Yes. Yes and no.

Yes, I understand. But she didn't tell him. She didn't like give him a nudge and go, by the way, I'm going upstairs to the bed. Yeah, because it was the middle of the night. Right. And also, all I'm saying is, devil's avocado, all I'm saying is, on the flip side of it, she wasn't

murdered or anything. She did turn up, so he was right. Chris. He was right. No, you can't. No! I'm not saying I agree with what he did, but, you know, is she overreacting and being absolutely furious about it? she was fine

no i completely there is no way that if you were missing from the bed right in the morning and i got up and i was going to work yeah you know i might not come and look straight away oh here we go i know i wouldn't go i wouldn't be like where is he i'd go to the loo possibly have a shower and then he'd be like right where is he and I'd go to the loo, possibly have a shower, and then I'd be like, right, where is he? And then I'd go and look in the other bedrooms and stuff. But to just not look at all and leave for work, that's terrible. Yeah, I mean, it is pretty bad.

You don't do that. It is pretty bad. I've said, I'm not saying it's not bad. I'm just saying, you know, she wasn't sleepwalking. I mean, does she have a history of sleepwalking no right well how could she have got up and slept walked somewhere do i mean like i get it i do get it but i'm just saying i think it's i think i'm just i'd love to be that laid back if that was me i would ring you i'd wake up i'd run to every room i'd shout for a while

i'd stand on the drive you'd be you're singing, You'd be, you're sick of him, but I would be more him. Yeah, I'd be terrified. Yeah. I'd probably spend about an hour not looking for you. And then if you had been murdered, the police would go, what were you doing that hour?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got up at seven, what were you doing? I'd go, I was just cracking on. They'd go,

not look for him. I'd go, well, no. Yeah. That's to be fair, he would look really bad. He'd be the first suspect

if he was at work. Oh, absolutely. If he was at work and then someone rang and said, oh, she hasn't turned up at work. Do you know where she is? And he was like, what? And she actually had gone. He'd be like first suspect if he was at work. Oh, absolutely. If he was at work and then someone rang and said, oh, she hasn't turned up at work. Do you know where she is? And he was like, what?

And she actually had gone. He'd be like, oh, yeah, I just fucked off at the house. I thought, bollocks to her. Imagine in the courtroom. You just left? Yeah. Was that a little internal burp? A little acid reflux internal burp.

Yeah, he'd be in the ITV drama that we're definitely going to make about this. He's going to be the main suspect for the first five episodes he's done it definitely and I think I don't as dodgy as well Olivia Colman's going to be in it

and if she dares mention anything else when she gets a BAFTA for this show that we're going to definitely make Rosie's going to be hell on I know

what are we going to call it in the loft Narrow Church Narrow Church right okay I don't get it. I'm sort of broad. Fuck me.

Oh, Jesus. I hate you. Oh, yeah. I'm wasted. Call yourself a comic. Yeah, man. I'm furloughed, man. Riff.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, I am currently listening to episode 55 and I have finally got a bit of time to write out this story about the one and only date that I have been on in the last two years it seriously put me off dating and i wanted your opinion on whether i was overreacting well i i mean you're probably going to get an overreaction from me because all of the tinder stuff's awful

but here we go we'll try i'll try and keep me reality head on for you i match with this guy on tinder which is not normally my sort of thing him and i were talking for a good couple of weeks before we decided to meet up oh that's more yeah that's not just you know are you hard come round i imagine that's what tinder is i think i think it kind of is okay conversation was flowing and he wasn't acting like a complete weirdo didn't even ask for nudes or anything wow so as if that's i mean mean, what world are we living in? Is he nice? He hasn't asked for nudes yet.

Isn't that real? That makes me so sad. Yeah. We decided to go for a drink in the week, and I felt quite excited. In the week. In the cheeky cheeky. Goodness me.

We agreed to meet at 6.30 in Revolutions. Oh, God. I was fashionably but acceptably late and showed up around 20 to 7 to realise that he wasn't in the bar. I waited until 7, but I started to think that I could have been stood up. Getting ready to leave,

I look up and the guy I'm meant to be meeting is standing at the door, dressed in a three-piece suit. I'm in jeans as the place is very casual he's got a trench coat on and what I can only describe as a 1980s dad tash

you know the one me dad had one I know the one I know the one exactly do you know what I mean? Movember well no it's not even Movember because Movember,

they're quite cool ones, aren't they? They're like handlebar tashes. Not on everyone. Some people who do Movember really cannot. But I think what she means by 90s dad tash, it's the tash that doesn't,

it almost doesn't go right to the corner of the mouth. It's not the Hitler, but it's longer than the Hitler, but it's not the Movember. It's the Ned Flanders. There we are. It's safe to say I had been royally catfished

because that was not the man on his profile picture. Oh, no way, man. Yeah. He apologised for being late and told me that he lost track of time whilst sipping whiskey with a pal, which I laughed off because I genuinely thought he was having me on.

Well, sorry for the tardiness I was quaffing quaffing a bit of whiskey with one of me old chums Jesus sipping whiskey who the fuck do you

think you are sipping whiskey with a pal at my six Jesus get a job in a three piece suit that's the weirdest

thing ever so hang on so you apologised for being late and sipping whiskey He didn't apologise for not being the person Yeah exactly We ordered our cocktails And he stared at me like I had just killed his mum That's the most expensive one on the menu

He almost growled at me And I reassured him that I was happy to pay for it And that I did never expect him to This was responded to with But you're a girl Oh my gosh. Oh God. started and I soon realised that this man was the most self-centred person I had ever met. He spent a solid 20 minutes telling me how many calories he'd consumed that day and that he could only have one cocktail because he was watching his weight.

He actually said the words these abs don't make themselves and winked. Oh. Is it weird that I wish I could sip whiskey with him because he sounds like an awesome guy? He sounds horrible. I can't stand people who talk about calories

and calorie count. I cannot bear it. I don't have any friends who talk about calories. No. Because I just, no. Don't want you in my friendship group. Honestly, yeah. You're counting your calories

and then you're coming on a night out and telling everyone how many calories you've had that day. Get in the bin. Finally, after what seemed like ages he asked me about myself. Oh, you're here.

That's your story. What about you then? I told him that I am a quantity... What are you like apart from proper expensive fucking cocktails, bitch?

I told him that I am a quantity severe, to which he replied with a snort and a, no you won't. You've got to be smart for that. Jesus Christ, dude. A complete dick. So what he's attempting here is the neg. He's attempting the neg,

which lowers the female's self-worth and slightly heightens yours. But the neg has to be some kind of... It can't just be a fucking insult. It has to be a playful banter. I've never understood, sorry, that tactic with blokes. Same with women and all,

where it's like cruel... Yeah, I think men and women do it. It's so strange. I almost screamed at him, but just ignored the comment. He then said, Yeah, you can pay for this date now. Yeah, well, you can pay for this date now that I know that you're rich. Oh, for fuck's sake.

So I told him that I thought it would be best if we pay for our own drinks, considering I knew that I would only be having the one and getting the hell out of there. She goes on to say, things got a little better. He asked me about my family and I told him that my family is rather big and that my nan has six children and that I am one of eight grandchildren.

He looked me dead in the face and asked me, eh, do your family not know what a condom is like? Oh, dude. Oh, my God. Chris, followed by the phrase, whoa, your nan must have loved

that dick. Oh, my God. Wow. So bad. Sorry, before this even goes any further, this is one of the worst first dates I think I've heard of. We've heard horror stories of mingling this, but they end up going to Shaggan or they're going to something else.

This is literally, he has just absolutely cock-blocked himself. He's turned up late. All right, sorry, how's it going? Yeah, sorry, I'm late. Yeah, I've just been quaffing whiskey with one of the lads. What, these abs, yeah, don't create the cells. Right, drinks, please, yeah. It's David Brent.

How much is that? Yeah, how much is that? Who the fuck do you think you are? What's going on here? I'll ask about you. Oh, hey, by the way, your nana's a slag and you're too stupid

to be your quantity severe. Mate, why don't you fucking spit on her while you're at it? But I've got a feeling that he'll be one of them people who goes home and kicks himself.

Yeah. Why did I say all that? He just can't help himself. Nervous, he might be nervous. Nervous. Yeah. So anyway, there's more. No way. Yeah, Why did I say all that? I just can't help myself. Nervous. He might be nervous. Nervous. Yeah. So anyway, there's more. No way.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And your granddad sounds like a prick. And you stink. And your teeth are shit. And your hair's crap. And why we're meeting here? And you're not wearing a, I'm wearing a suit.

You're not wearing a dress. You look scruffy. I'll give you a dead arm. He turned up. I'm sorry. I was just, I was inhabiting the character of this guy.

Great. I changed the subject and I mentioned that I had a dog and that my dog was my best friend. I showed him a picture of my little baby pup and he looked at me

in disgust and said, the fuck's that? I love him. I love him. I love him. No, him. I love him. He's a man. No, you don't. Fucks that. I can't just say that.

I love the phrase, I changed the subject. I just love her going, so can we talk about something that doesn't involve me, Nan, I love her the dick. At this point, I had had enough

and excused myself so I could go to the toilet to calm down before I murdered the guy. I mean, call my mum and Nan a slag if you want, but do not, under any circumstances,

slag off my dog. Yeah, yeah, I'm not being funny, right? But say what you want about me, Nana, right? But don't you ever, don't you dare, dare bring my dog into this, like, That's amazing. Class. When I came back, I told him that I felt like

it was time I went home, and he asked why. So I told him I didn't think the date was going great, and that I wanted to get home. Not great, he said. This is one of the best dates I've ever been on. I'm zinging, I'm on fire. You don't remember? I've called your nan a slag, I've slagged your dog off. You know, I did that great thing about the cocktail. I'm on, I'm on. I was deliberately late, come on. Let's go clubbing. Sat in the car. He insisted to walk me to my car and

to be fair, if I'm'm honest i would have preferred a kidnapping than spending another minute with this guy regardless we walked back in awkward silence until he said to me i can't wait to see what you drive i bet your car is shit now i don't i don't like talking about what I buy or what I drive because I don't like people thinking I'm some sort of snob, but I had such satisfaction when I smirked, clicked my Audi key, and my car lit up like a Christmas tree. Wow.

His jaw dropped, and I said, Oh, yeah, it's really shit, isn't it? That's great. I left him standing there in the middle of the car park. I shouted goodbye and walked away in a hurry the arsehole even had the cheek to shout after me what no kiss he's the absolute worst it's safe to say that there was no second date and i ranted to my best friend the whole way home to top it off i couldn't quite believe my luck that a year later, I bumped into him in the gym.

He stood right in front of me in the weight section whilst I was a sweaty mess and said to me, You're Michelle, aren't you? To which I replied, Oh no, sorry mate, you've got the wrong person. Nice! That's very nice. Hi Rosie and Chris. Chris. Please keep me anonymous as I am sworn to secrecy. But listening to your podcast the other day,

I decided it is just too good not to share, especially as we enter the festive season. Oh, God. A few years ago, I was on holiday with my closest group of mates. We're all best friends from school, so the sort of group where there are lots of shared war stories From nights out over the years And you all know each other as escapades

Or sexapades Got ya Escapades Sexcapades? Sexcapades Sexcapades Etc After consuming a lot of booze

We were all sitting in the hot tub in the dark Quite drunk And naked Just because someone had suggested it I just love that a lot of booze How was last night? Pfft mate We consumed a suggested it. I just love a lot of booze. How was last night? Pfft, mate, we consumed a lot of booze. There was a lot of booze drunk.

And I am mint on a night out. Consumed a lot of booze. How much you had? I've had five booze. Five boozes. How many have you had? Well, I'm on my sixth booze. Sorry, they're all in the hot tub and they're all naked for some reason? I'm on my sixth booze. Fuck me. Sorry, they're all in the hot tub and they're all naked for some reason.

And they're consuming loads of booze. Why not? Yeah, and the boozers are flowing. One of the girls confessed to the following tale and we all howled with laughter. Okay. Howl. Okay.

She was dating a guy for a while who she exchanged dirty pics with and he'd asked for some videos of her putting things in all kinds of places. Jesus Christ. Including up her back passage. Oh, some people, man. Sorry,

how do you go from a little cheeky picture, which we've all done, how do you go from a little cheeky picture to is there any chance you can do a full photo shoot inserting things into your ass a video a few videos do you fancily yeah do you fancy starting your porn career by sending me some videos i mean that i mean how do you even get the angle on that i don't know it's going to be horrendous it's going to be one of the things where when he's

watching it he's going to turn his phone and then the phone screen's going to turn around because it's been held at a really awkward it is everyone listening young old whatever this is not the right day and age to be sending videos oh my god yeah don't do it anymore back in the day don't put your face in and don't speak back in the day when they first started it was fine you couldn't really save them their computers and stuff and people didn't really know how now don't do not do it on websites. Yeah, it's not worth it. All the websites. So anyway, it started off with fairly straightforward stuff.

Different sex toys, etc. After which she started looking for some more interesting items. Christ, stop it, man. Can you all just stop it? What's wrong with everyone? This is when she happened across a large collection of gin and whiskey miniatures. Oh, my. Good grief. Good grief.

Sure enough, these did the job and she took videos of them going in the back. I hate her. I hate him as well. She sent it, the sex toys toys and he went yeah good but boring bit middle of the road do you have oh I've got a

I've got a gin advent calendar here that I haven't opened off last year that'll be absolutely perfect oh I like gin gosh sure enough these did the job and she took videos of them going back home

good god I'm not sure what else went on but they remained by her bedside and she fell asleep thinking nothing of it. Oh, man. The next day, she did a long shift at work, left very late, and as a result was rushing to get to her cousin's Christmas family party that night.

As she was frantically getting showered and ready to leave, she realised she didn't have a gift and it would be very rude not you know where it's going it would be very rude to arrive empty-handed and her cousin had spent a lot on her recently for her birthday realizing there wasn't even an old bottle of wine in the cupboard and it was past 10pm, meaning in Scotland it was too late in the day to purchase alcohol, the only remaining suitable gift item was... No way, man.

Guess it. The gin and whiskey miniatures. Oh, you are kidding me, man. She said she gave them a quick wipe down. Oh. But no time to boil or check for leftovers round the rim. Oh, man, there's so many grooves and indentations on a miniature bottle. Oh, man. She popped them in a gift bag, went on her way,

and quietly cringed every time someone picked one up and said cheers and downed straight from the bar. Oh, heavens above. They drank them there. Do you want one of these, love? No, I'm all right. I don't want any of them. Not like whiskey.

Not that whiskey. I don't like that whiskey. How could you sit there, right, and know that people are drinking the miniatures that you've had up your backside? That's so bad. Isn't it? It's quite funny, though. You see everyone sitting around just like,

hey, class idea this. Hey, we should do this more often. Great idea this. Hey, bring in miniatures so we can all drink. What a fantastic idea. Hey, how did you come up with this idea so much at the last minute? I just pulled it out my arse. Told you I was a comedian.

Right, you've redeemed yourself, right? Okay, that was funny. Well done. Once again, unfortunately, we have come to the end of this week's episode. Thank you so much for joining us here at Shagmaridenoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network.

Thank you very much. Thanks for getting in touch. Again, anything you want to send, any story, shagmaridenoid at gmail.com. Merch on the website. There's new merch getting added. It's either on there now or very very soon and the book

is out also just in time for Christmas it must be out in four fucking ages yeah but you might be running out of presents to buy for people and think oh they like books oh they listen to this podcast bada bing bada boom that's what you want bada bing bada boom indeed

bye rock city you're the best fans That's what you want. Bada bing, bada boom, indeed. Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.