Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 95. Turkey leg-over

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

It's the week before Christmas and the Ramsey's are getting festive! They both confess their envy over a Christmas ornament and worry about what has now become the Christmas covid 'bauble'. There are some festive beefs (and non festive ones!) and some wonderful Christmas themed QFTP... anyone seen that scooter? Merry Christmas everyone! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. dot ca Hello, you're listening to Shagmarionoid with me Rosie Ramsey

and my husband Chris Ramsey and this is Shagmarionoid hang on, no, hang on hang on, this isn't right hang on this is Shagmarionoid Christmas special but 2020 has been a really really shit year what and i'm not starting with that so are you ready let's pump it up

here we go look at your little face it's christmas it is indeed Come on, come on Stop ruining Christmas You're listening to Shagmire Lloyd With me Rosie Ramsey And my husband Chris Ramsey This is the Christmas special We've made it

We're here We're here It's Christmas We're here It's Christmas We're all here We're all in tier 3 And we're all going to celebrate Christmas.

Yes. Turn that shit off. Oh, no, it's good. It gets better. Hang on. It gets better. Just let it play through. It's the sound quality.

You're one of the biggest podcasters. Ready? Here we go. I love it when they do this. That's horrendous. Get that off now. Get that off. 50 elves just died when you played that.

This is the Christmas bells. Horrible. This is the Christmas bells. Are you happy, though, you got that out of your system? Do you know what? I know it doesn't make you feel better, but music makes me feel better. I instantly feel so much better now.

I never have it on. I'm one of them people. I hate people who just constantly have music on. It just does me nothing. It just does me nothing. You can be anywhere and people are like, should we put some music on? I'm one of them people. I hate people who just constantly have music on. It just does me nothing. It just does me nothing. You can be anywhere and people are like, should we put some music on? No, let's just sit with our own internal monologues

and our frightening thoughts and let's face them head on because it's Christmas. No, guys, you haven't tuned into Scrooge by accident. This is genuinely Shagmarinoid and we're very excited. We are. Do you know what it is? I've got my Santa hat on as we're doing this. You've got got your little elf ears on which i didn't think you'd be able to get your headphones on but hey ho you have you've done it hey ho that's elf stuff that's elf

yeah oh gawd yes we're here we made it it's the 2020 christmas special also known as episode 95 oh is it yes indeed yeah so before we crack in straight to the christmas special obviously merry christmas everyone thank you for joining us it's time for this week's this year's festive Oh, is it? Yes, indeed. So before we crack in straight to the Christmas special, obviously, Merry Christmas, everyone. Thank you for joining us. It's time for this week's, this year's festive lucrative sponsor. Have you themed? I'm glad you've done that, actually. Rosie, do you know what it is?

There's two sponsors because at this time of year, it's obviously big for capitalism. It's big time for advertising, big time for people spending. I've been run off my feet on Instagram. Oh, we'll get to that later. Big time for people spending that sweet, sweet Christmas dollar on stuff. So they've been fighting to get on. They've been fighting, right?

To get on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, as always. Batting them back, I am, with a stick, with a big candy cane. So this week's lucrative sponsor is Christmas songs. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. You heard that song a million times? Sure fucking have. You want to hear it again? lucrative sponsor is Christmas songs yeah hey yeah you heard that song

a million times sure fucking have you wanna hear it again fucking right to do it's Christmas bitch stick that on love it if you dare

put that on on the 27th of December I'll fucking murder your whole family brought to you in part by shortbread hey it's November want some shortbread

fuck off mate hey it's December want some shortbread get that shortbread hey it's november want some shortbread fuck off mate hey it's december want some shortbread get that shortbread in my dick now oh is that what you've been doing with that box of shortbread yeah that's actually that's shortbread have actually um they put a little thing on the bottom of the email saying and please don't encourage people to get the shortbread in their dick because please apparently this time of year a and a's full to get the shortbread in their day. Because apparently this time of year, A&E is full of people with shortbread in their day. And we need to put a stop. Can everybody stop knobbing the shortbread?

Because it's getting out of control. We've got a pandemic. We went to the garden centre the other day. I bought a big box of shortbread. I was going to buy it as a present for someone. I thought, no, you know what? I want it. Nearly finished it.

Big tin. Massive. It's literally like the size of a PS4. The tin. That's the best the size of a PS4 the tin that's the best way I can tell you nearly done it do you know what

you've been conned though you know how because it's just regular shortbread all I've done is put a deer on the front

in the snow it's a reindeer not a deer it's not actually it's a normal deer it's a reindeer and it's that proper Christmas

look at the tartan on the box look at the big tin she just turned her head and hit the microphone. It's over there under the robin. Right, great. Christmas shortbread. If you hear any crunching during this, right, apologies,

but it's me putting shortbread in me dick. Merry Christmas. Oh, here's the jingle. I have visions of you having the dick on your shortbread. Get them out of your head, it's Christmas! Here's the jingle. Here's the jingle, bells. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's Shack Married and Honest Christopher, I'm not being funny It's going to be no different than any other episode.

We need to make it a little bit Christmassy. And jingle bells make things Christmassy. Okay, okay. I'm not playing it the whole way through. It's got 11 seconds left. Okay, let's just enjoy that. Merry Christmas! Don't know what voice that was.

That's what Santa sounds like. Did you not know? Ready? Two, one. Right, there you go. That's all I'm doing now. Cool, so I hope you all had a good Christmas. It's over now.

Rosie's jingle bells have stopped playing through our tinny fucking phone speakers. Honestly, the production on this is shocking. Honestly, sometimes I'm embarrassed to put my name when you're just holding your phone up at the microphone. Like, I've said this before, Chris. I can't believe that we're still at the top of the charts. So, do you know what? If it's not broke, don't fix it fair point people will shit themselves if we started having really good production value on these podcasts they'd be like what's this we did

it who are these we did a gig the other day didn't we we did like a corporate gig on zoom and uh it was us it was um there was like a few different things on there was like a host and the host were like the hosts were in a studio somewhere and they were getting filmed they had like a bingo machine and putting all this stuff on it was all going to the people who worked with the company was going into their homes obviously then a band of man was on before us and he had like the most incredible setup like talk about guys if you think you've seen a zoom background he had fucking like music video moments he's hey he's like at one point he had like three heads and he's rapping and singing and And then it just cut to us and we just sat at a table and just chatted shit.

I was embarrassed. Don't be. We had no production whatsoever. You grabbed your... You quickly, when you saw how good a bandaman's thing was, you ran into the other room and grabbed the... The mirror ball. The mirror ball that you used for the Strictly parties

and you just sat with that on your knee. But we had a fucking ring light on, so you couldn't even see that. Do you know what it is, though? Let's not put ourselves down because at the end of the day, we are live performers. This has just come as something else. Yeah. We're not trying to be something that we're not.

We're not big production value. We can't be doing all of the on computers and that. I haven't got a clue. You told me to back my phone up the other day, and I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly, getting you that new phone is one of the worst things I've done. Yeah, I hate it.

It's just constant. I hate it. Give us back me Nokia. Yeah, your laptop. You've got so many icons on the desktop screen. I don't know what an icon is. Other than like Kylie Minogue. Folders, just use some folders.

Put stuff into folders. Yeah, I'm not saying Kylie Minogue's your background. Just put stuff in folders. It's cluttered. Your desktop's cluttered. Don't care. I know where everything is. Give your Just put stuff in folders. It's cluttered. Your desktop's cluttered. Don't care. I know where everything is. Give your screen a wipe as well.

It's manky. What have you been doing? Well, I don't even know. The other day, this should be a beef, but I've just remembered it now. I was scarred for life. You were making dinner the other day, which is lovely. You make dinner. I put Rob in a bed and you were making dinner.

I came down. We've got like a six burner hob. Yeah. On the far right of the hob, you had the wok and you were making the noodles. And on the far left of the hob, on the fucking hob, was your laptop. Yeah. Sitting there. Like, the heat could have been

transferring through the metal. Like, it's portable. But why have you got it on a hob? You've got it in the bath. It's, honestly, I can't believe that laptop's still alive. Well, I'm sorry, but what's the point in having one? If you can't take it places, and you can't look at it, and you can't use it, what's the point? I've got to have it on me lap all the time.

Hence the name. Stupid. Right. You know what? We've never approached this either. Well, we're on the subject of slagging you off. Tell the ladies and gentlemen where you store your laptop

most of the time I knew you I knew you hated where I put my laptop I hate it so much so guys right in our have you ever seen

Rosie's Instagram videos or anything above the coffee machine right we've got like on the wall we've got like an old fashioned

kind of like a plate rack a plate rack on the wall like the old fashioned one they used to put it above to dry them on but you just put the plates on Rosie keeps a laptop in

one of the dockets of the plate rack next to the fucking plates I don't see anything wrong with that. Literally sometimes if I'm like making some toast I will reach up and grab your laptop and be like oh no that's not a plate in the plate rack that's a fucking MacBook Pro you could use it as a plate.

It was expensive. Might as well get some of you to sell it. Jesus. Honestly. And you'd never said anything, and I knew it bugged you. Does me nothing. Well, personally, I think it's genius

because it's just there, and it's not in the way. It's not down on a surface, so you don't put anything on it. It's upright like that. Damn, not a fan. Not a fan. Gives us anxiety.

Not a fan. Don't like it. It's stayingeliaeth i ni. Dwi ddim yn fan. Mae'n dal ymlaen, felly beth fyddwch chi'n ei wneud? Dim. Dwi'n meddwl eich bod yn ei wneud. Efallai y byddwch chi'n ei ddefnyddio fel bwrdd dechrau. Ydych chi'n gweld sut rydych chi'n ei fwynhau hynny? Yn onest, gadewch i mi ddod â'r mus o'r ffordd. Mae'n amser.

Felly, yn amlwg, dyma'r arbennig o'r Christmas 2020. Ac rydyn ni'n... Ydych chi'n gwybod, rydw i'n teimlo'n ddiddorol iawn o'r Christmas. Fi hefyd. Oherwydd mae'r trefnau wedi'u cyflwyno, mae'r adeiladau wedi'u cyflwyno yn y tŷ. Ac rydyn ni wedi mynd i'r canol ymlaen y diwrnod diwethaf. Rydyn ni wedi. and we you know what I am actually feeling very Christmassy me too because we've got all the trees up we've got the decorations up in the house and we went to the garden centre the other day

we did and we've got quite a lot of Christmas stuff going on now what do you mean well we've got the little I don't know if anyone's seen them but there's

these little Christmas houses that you can get where they're like just little we've got like a little cottage and the lights come on inside it and that's on a table

and next to it there's a little pub thing but we bought I'm like over the moon I'm like addicted to the one that we bought the other day okay i have different feelings but that's fine right why it saddens us right it does sadden me a little bit i know what you're about to say it saddens me a little bit as well we have introduced into our home something that we are currently not allowed to do yeah so it's i can't look at it so it's a big sort of Christmas,

like sort of, there's a pub on one side and another thing. It's like a sort of big model house is the best way I can describe it, guys. And then it's got an outside bit and there's a little tree

and there's magnets that run around under it. Sorry, it's not magnets, it's magic. Magic makes all the little people walk around and it plays a Christmas song but also there's like people

chatting in the street. There's people in the pubs? People in the pub. It plays a noise and song. But also there's like people chatting in the street. There's people in the pubs? People in the pub. It plays a noise and they're chatting. It's like, I love the Christmas decorations this year. And it's like, yes, and the trees. Actually does. No, I think you're right.

We've got tier one. Yeah, we've got a tier one model. In our hallway. And I have to walk past it every day. We've got tier one decorations in tier three. It's disgusting. Honestly, Chris. I can't look at it every day. We've got tier one decorations in tier three. It's disgusting. Honestly, Chris, I can't look at it. It's really sad.

I do love it, but I do hate it at the same time. They come on in the middle of the night, like, happy holidays. I'm like, guys, yous are killing us here. One of them actually, one of them, he goes, oh, it's cold out today. I'm in need of a hot coffee. That's what he says.

And I literally feel like going, you're whinging about the cold. Wait. Wheel 2020 hits you, bitch. Yeah, because they've all got older clothes on. They're not 2020 yet. It's like, it looks about 1930s. After this, you're going through it in a skip. I'm tempted. I'm honestly tempted.

Because it's just... But, you know, we did get a little train that goes around the tree. We got that. That's nice. That's nice. That one's good. Our train's still a thing. Our train's still going. Trains are still going. Oh, good. Great.

That's all good. Glad everyone's not going anywhere. Hey, this jolly Christmas episode's going well. Sorry. I know. Yeah, well, we can't not talk about it because most of the country is now in Tier 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you know what it is?

We've been in Tier 3 for our whole lives. since i was born yeah you mainly adopted tier three we were born in tier three and now you know a lot of londoners and a lot of the rest of the country is and i'm not i'm not happy that they are no you think we'll be going oh well yeah you're here now i'm really not i was buzzing for them Yeah, I'm gutted for everyone. But anyway, listen, we're not going to go down that road because we have let this get on top of us loads, haven't we, Chris?

Yes. Us too. But we are genuinely looking forward to Christmas. And you know what? Everybody, don't be ashamed to be able to look forward to Christmas because it's been a really hard year. Everyone has been really safe and been trying really hard.

So personally, from us, enjoy your flipping Christmas. Have a bloody Merry Christmas, people. Be sensible and be aware of the situation and just be careful and look after each other and enjoy yourselves because you deserve a bit of enjoyment. Exactly. Gosh, it's punching the air here. Honestly, I'm getting scared. Because it's it's like you know we're getting chastised for wanting to look forward to something but that's how we survive as a race human race we have to have things to look forward to because

if we didn't what what would be the point in surviving interject here and say rosie's not a doctor or a scientist um she's not an evolutionist. I do believe Charles Darwin didn't ever talk about anything in his theory of life. You're telling me that's not in there somewhere? Well cavemen would have just died out but fucking Easter was around the corner so they kept going.

Why do you think birthdays are a thing? I know what you mean but you went really bizarre with it. But I know as a society, I think is what you meant, not a human race. Okay, right, human race may have been a little bit extreme. I mean, it's just... No, it's not, it's not. It's human, it's the human race.

When did the mammals, the primates that humans evolved from, when did they develop the opposable thumb? Well, it was when the new Christmas crackers were coming out. You're a fucking moron. They needed something to evolve to. How are we going to get... Hey, Christmas is around the corner. You heard that new thing.

How are we going to pull crackers without opposable thumbs? Right, okay, here we go. Come on. Hey, we've got... Oh, no, we've got eyes on either side of our head how we're gonna look through kaleidoscopes at christmas right quick evolve binocular vision quick yeah lunatic but i understand the sentiment but i'll tell you what right speaking about enjoying christmas right you know how we're allowed to mix with what is it four households

or something you're allowed to make three three households at christmas time for that week rosie i'm honestly i'm getting stressed about it. Did you ever have MySpace? Yes. Do you remember trying to decide who was in your top friends? It's exactly the same. I don't know how to pick. And then if I go, I don't want to put myself out there and go,

hey, do you want to be one of our households? No, sorry, we've already picked other households. You didn't pick us. Oh, Chris, what if we get left on our own? What if everyone else picks other households and it's just us on our own? Oh, don't. Don't.

Honestly, that would kill us. That would tip us over the edge. Is everyone, have we got a bubble? Have we got ass people? What happens? Is there a card? Have they done cards? I don't know.

Do you want to come see us at Christmas? Want to come visit our family and uh yeah so christmas get that out of the way have a lovely time and then i am i'm locking myself away chris yeah lock yourself away lock myself away before the baby comes pop it out here yeah so that's exciting okay cool so good so yeah very merry christmas and good luck picking who's going to be in your christmas bubble or bauble as it may be called that's exciting. Okay, cool. So good. So yeah, very Merry Christmas and good luck picking who's going to be in your Christmas bubble or bauble, as it may be called. That's nice.

It's a nice spin on it. Great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Just really quickly, this isn't Christmas related at all. Sorry, we'll delete this out. What do you mean it's a Christmas? I've got a Santa hat on

and you're saying stuff that's not Christmas related. Everything else is, but I just wanted to say I've had a lot of emails recently. I'm not listening. I've had a lot hat on and you're saying stuff that's not Christmas related. Everything else is but I just wanted to say I've had a lot of emails recently. I'm not listening. I've had a lot of emails, Chris, recently and it's been follow-up emails from emails that people have sent previously

begging us not to read the email out. Really? Yeah, I've had quite a few of them. So if you have sent them in, I promise you, we will not read your email out. Why? Because people have changed their minds?

Yeah. I think people have sent them in and then gone, oh, shit. Yeah. Like, I will get in trouble if... Obviously, we keep everything anonymous. As long as it's on the same chain. Yes. If it's underneath the one you sent, then yeah, we'll...

Don't worry. We won't read it out. The only reason I'm saying that is because I would lose sleep. Yeah. If I had to send something in and then told you that I'd sent it in, you're like, what? Kicking off. I would lose sleep thinking,

oh my word, they're going to read this out. They're going to read this out. So I just wanted to reassure everyone. We wouldn't do that to you. I promise. I know we're piss takers, but we genuinely wouldn't do that. Okay.

Do you know what it'll be? Yeah. It'll be people who have sent it. They'll have gone, oh, I listen to this podcast. Oh, I like this podcast. Oh, this is good. Oh, I've discovered this new podcast.

I'll send this in. And then they've spoke to people and realised that a lot of people they know listen as well. And they'll be like, oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, I sent that story about you being a dirty rotter. You listen to this podcast. Exactly. Or even better, someone's gone, do you listen to my podcast?

I listen as well, yeah. And there's been a moment of silence and they've went, don't you ever tell them that story about us, by the way. And they've gone, yeah, I wouldn't. I just need to go on my phone for something completely unrelated for a few minutes. Bear with. So, there you are.

We don't even name people when we say, when you say we can name you, we normally don't name you anyway, just in case. Yeah. Ho, ho, ho. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, God! This is... Christmas Mysteries.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. It's got to do with Christmas. This is going to run out before the theme tune mysteries honestly that was ridiculous

so I knew you were about to start you're going to ruin that I knew you were about to start your Rosie's Mysteries theme I knew you were about to start you're going to ruin that I knew you were about to start your Rosie's Mysteries theme I knew you were going to start the music and I was prepared to kick off like jokingly I was going to kick off because it wasn't Christmas themed and then you went and hoed the bells over the I'll give you that

good effort you nearly broke her back leaning at the microphone while holding the laptop to the phone as well I do need to learn how to mix sounds. I can do videos. Yeah, you're very good on your phone. I'm good on Instagram, but I can't do sounds.

So I do actually need, I might speak to Daisy, I'll be like, Daisy, how do I do this? Oh God, don't, because I'll have to tidy up when you've done it. No, don't. Just keep doing that. It's good.

It's charming. Right, okay. Okay, here's a mystery. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Or what? You could have called him a mistletoe-y. Oh. Why are you doing that?

Because I've already had loads of emails. Somebody was like, you can call the Christ mysteries. And I was like, that's shocking. I think mistletoe-y is really good. That doesn't work. Well, you don't work. What about that. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Great. Hi, Rosie and Chris. After hearing that you were looking for Christmas stories, I had to write in to tell you my traumatising one. Please keep me anonymous as my mum would kill me for sharing this story. When I was about 15, 16, my mum had gone out one Saturday into town to do some Christmas shopping.

When she came home, she asked me, would you like to see what I got in town today? Me, thinking she had been out getting in some Christmas shopping, gifts for the family, etc., I said, yeah, go on then. Worst decision of my life. She lay on the couch,

legs a Kimballbo Shut the fuck up And showed me Vajazzle No A Christmas vajazzle Nearly Did she get a Christmas What

A Brazilian What are you going with You need to pick Tattoo Are you going with tattoo No Flap piercing She's got her flaps pierced Very close Oh What are you going with? You need to pick. Tattoo. Are you going with tattoo? No. Flap piercing.

She's got her flaps pierced. Very close. Oh. Bumhole pierced. She lay on the couch, legs akimbo, and showed me her new Christmas clip piercing. Oh, I said that. That's right.

That was what I meant. I'm not a bloody physician. I'm not a biologist. I meant that. Flaps. You said flaps. Well, the road's on top of the flaps No Chris

I'm glad we haven't got daughters Why? Because there's lots of areas Of the vulva That you need to learn Oh hey man No Anyway

She's never been more traumatised In her life That's A man She wants shots She wants locked up I'm not against Christmas clit piercings Get yourself away

Fill your boots I mean anytime you Listen remember Clit piercing's not just for Christmas, it's for life. However, what are you showing your daughter for, you pervert? Well, this is the thing, right?

It's the only piercing, really, other than on a peni, that you can't really show anyone, can you? You can tell people, but you can't be like, do you want to see me new piercing and show everyone. So there's only one person

who took a chore,urch was her daughter. What do you lie on the couch? Why didn't you lift us? What are you lying down for? I don't know. That's, honestly, honestly,

like, everyone's got, Merry Christmas. Everyone's got different relationships with their parents. Yeah. They've obviously got a very open, you know what I mean?

Like, my mum wouldn't just do that to me out of nowhere because we don't have that kind of relationship. But she's obviously got,... You know what I mean? Like, my mum wouldn't just do that to me out of nowhere because we don't have that kind of relationship. But she's obviously got... Do you know what I mean? We're talking about... We've talked about it in the past.

We're up here now in bath with your mum territory, I think. This is the kind of relationship they must have. At 15, 16. Yeah. Do you remember the person who bathed with their mum?

I bathed with my mum for years. Weird. But remember the person who wrote in saying they still did it? Oh, when they were older, yeah. So I'm talking, this must be this kind of thing. Well, the thing is, me and my mum are extremely close. Like, see each other nearly every day.

Very close. I'd die if she showed me. Really? What? Have you not seen your mum's clip? No. It's lovely. It's really nice.

You are awful. Honestly, don't. You must be the only one who hasn't seen your mum's? No. It's lovely. It's really nice. You are awful. Honestly, don't. You must be the only one who hasn't seen it. Really? No, Postman's seen it. Everyone. I did miss Nana's Boxing Day party last year. That was it.

That was the big unveiling. Was that when she got it out? That was the big unveiling. I knew it. I knew there was something going on. Everyone was there. Oh, what a party. I put my phones in a little bag

so no one took a photo of it like when you go to a Dave Chappelle gig. Ridiculous. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I put my phones in a little bag so no one took a photo of it like when you go to a Daya Chappelle gig. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? You've got your money's worth

of these, haven't you? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Do you pay for that jingle? No. No?

No. So it's just all free. It's paying for itself now, isn't it? Just got them on the internet. Got you. I genuinely was a little bit worried that we might get sued for the first one. But it said...

What, for jingle bells? No, no, they were free jingles. They were like radio jingles. Ah, okay, okay. Free. Got you covered. Nobody listens to this anyway. Imagine, what a shitty thing to get sued for. Of were like radio jingles. Ah, okay, okay. Free. Got you covered. Nobody listens to this anyway. Imagine, what a shitty thing to get sued for.

Of all the stuff we've done and said, imagine getting sued and cancelled for using someone's fucking jingle bells. Do you know what? 2020 is the year for it. It really is to me. Isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Cancel the take your house. I know. Do you know what somebody said to me today, actually? What? Well, did I tell you that last night I nearly packed my hospital bag? I've told you. Yes, I'm very aware. Yeah, got up in the middle of the night,

genuinely thought I was going into labour. Got three weeks left, thought I was going into labour, shit my pants, went to pack my hospital bag, didn't wake you up because I didn't want to panic you. Weird, weird that you didn't wake me up. Thought you went to pack your hospital bag and didn't wake me up. Yeah, I really need to pack my hospital bag. So I just went to pack it.

But before I did, I went and sat in the toilet and I farted. It was a pump. It was trap wind. Felt completely better. Went back to bed. Absolutely fine.

So, you know what? Thank you for not waking us up. If you'd woke me up for a fart, that would be up there with the worst reasons to be waking up in the world. Chris, can I just tell you though, so painful. Felt a little bit like labour, like labour pains.

It was really bad, really, really bad. I was a little bit scared. I've had trap winds, so you're telling me that's what it's like? Don't even. Don't. Would you like a Christmas punch? Did he have me nervous? I was very nervous.

But anyway, I put that on Instagram. Somebody messaged saying, I have a feeling that you're going to have your baby in 2020. Genuinely made us a little bit sad. Don't want to have to write it. Don't want to have to write it on stuff. No disrespect to anyone whose children have been born in 2020. But I'm nearly at the end of it now.

I'm near the end. I'm like, look, I just want to write 21. Yeah. So I don't have to think about this year ever again. I agree. Anyway, beefs. Yeah. What's your beef?

Well, I mean, I've got my first beef with you there is just because how insensitive that is because I've got to think about it 2020 all the way until 2022 because that's where me two has been rescheduled for. I still can't believe that you keep making it called 2020

unbelievable innit yeah guys I probably should have said this earlier in the podcast actually me 2020 spring tour which has now been

moved to 2021 has if you listen to this on Friday it's now been announced that we'll move it again to 2022 the fucking

2020 tour will happen I mean hopefully everything crossed it'll happen autumn autumn 21 will be what was the second leg of the tour will now become I mean, hopefully, everything crossed, it'll happen autumn. Autumn 21 will be what was the second leg of the tour

will now become the first leg of the tour. Yeah. Then the end of the 2020 tour will happen in 2022. Chris, I hope so. Crazy. What?

What? Crazy. Anyway. So there we go. You are so unemployed. It's mad, isn't it? You need to get a motherfucking job. It's mad, isn't it? You need to get a motherfucking job. It's mad, isn't it?

Well, speaking of jobs, I tell you what, this rolls straight onto my beef because I used to be a stand-up comedian, didn't I? My beef with you is, right, and it's ongoing and it's just annoying because I just have to put up with it, but my beef with you is I used to be a stand-up comedian, quite a successful stand-up comedian I was. Now I'm a fucking cameraman for your Instagram

filming all kinds of waffle as you sell any old shite on the internet. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. I have done some lucrative, lucrative really well-known brand sponsors. I am so chuffed with the ads

that I've done recently. They are good shit. Yeah, good. Yes, you have filmed them and you whinge all the way through. But you know what, Chris? Who's bringing in the moolah? Yeah. Me. Well, you have filmed them, and you whinge all the way through. But you know what, Chris? Who's bringing in the moolah? Yeah.

Me. Well, I never brought it up when it was just me bringing in the moolah. You flippin' did. You absolutely did. How dare you? Oh, you did? I carried you all the way through. These coattails are fucking, honestly, they're like cinder blocks.

Don't you dare. I kind of, it's when you spring it on us. It's where, if you go look when you film that advert tonight, I kind of, it's when you spring it on us. It's where, if you go look when you film that advert tonight, I'm like, absolutely. But it's when you're just like, literally,

I don't know, do something and you're like, oh, can you quickly film this? And I'm like, oh, I was just about to do something else but then I've just got to like, it's like I'm in a little box,

a little break glass if you need something fucking videoed thing and I just pop out and just video you doing something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember, do you remember though when I had Robin and you went on tour and I just pop out and just video you doing something. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when I had Robin

and you went on tour and I quit my job to be a full-time mum? Yeah. Do you remember that? I do. That was a big glass that I broke.

Yeah. Yeah. So get back in your box, shut your shit, Merry fucking Christmas. Got another beef as well, actually. No, I don't want

another beef. Oh, okay. Is it little? It's really little. Cool. You keep leaving your manky little crusty Gaviscon spoons everywhere and I'm fucking sick of it. There was one stuck to the table this morning.

Pack it in. Yeah, I say I won there. She's got nothing to come back there. Because she smashed us for the last one, I had to do that one. There you go. Honestly, get a life. Right, I've got two. Two?

Yep. Greedy. You and Robin keep eating the advent calendar. Yeah. Every day, I a life. Right, I've got two. Two? Yep. Greedy. You and Robin keep eating the advent calendar. Yeah. Every day, I come down. Oh, because you're always whinging about your bloomin' gavis... Well, I can't eat... I'm trying not to eat much chocolate because it makes me ill.

Well, you're welcome. No, but you know what? It doesn't go out of date, and come when the baby comes, I could demolish that advent calendar. So leave it alone. And you're not teaching them nothing by letting them always eat mine. Right.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Let him eat mine? No, let him. He's got his own. Yeah, but he wants another one. No. Another one here. Pregnancy related.

Oh, right. Okay. You're pregnant? Yeah, absolutely. So the other morning, I said to you, I said, obviously, because it's getting a lot closer and i'm just not sleeping very well i'm waking up in the middle of the night so i said to you chris i'm just i'm not

sleeping well and i said am i i said yeah am i asleep in the middle of the night because i can't tell whether i'm awake or i'm asleep because i just feel like i'm in this lucid sort of whatever and you said you were like hey rosie honestly me too sort of whatever. And you said, you were like, eh, Rosie, honestly, me too. And this is exactly what you said. You said, do you know what I think it is? I think it's our brains preparing us. To which I replied,

Chris, there's literally nothing happening in your body. You are fucking unbelievable. Why would your brain be preparing you? Right, knows there's a baby coming. Right. But there's physically nothing going on in your body at all. Yeah, but my brain's different, innit?

My brain knows there's a baby coming. I think I'm just waking up in the middle of the night going, oh, yeah, you might have to be up at some point. Wow. Oh, well, it's either that, Rosie. I'm either waking up because I know there's a baby coming or someone's taking fucking selfies in bed in the dark and there's flashes happening because she can't sleep.

Someone, name or no names, because she can't sleep, lying in the dark on Instagram taking photos of herself like a fucking head case. And it's like, I feel like, ooh, lightning. Oh no, it's me wife taking middle of the night selfies next to us in bed. Stupid dick. Hashtag content.

Sick of it. That's how you know, by the way. I don't know if I'm sleeping. I know by the way I don't know if I'm sleeping I'm not Chris I don't know if I'm sleeping I'll tell you what right When you're not taking selfies You're fucking asleep Prick

I thought I had a good one there No Absolutely done it Honestly Merry Christmas one there. No, still absolutely done it. Honestly. Merry Christmas. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Will you rise

with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th. When the Toronto rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at first Ontario

center in Hamilton at 7 30 PM. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every post-season game. And you'll only pay as we play, come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com this friday you must be very careful margaret it's a girl witness the birth of evil it's all you know don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public.'s time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba public. Dashing through the snow. And a one horse open sleigh.

I'll get you that. I'll get you that. Over fields we go. Laughing all the way. Don't do the laugh. I don't like this. I'll tell you right now, right? Beef's with the world here. I don't like the laugh. Why? I don't like the laugh on that. Laughing all the way. When everyone's like it. I'll tell you right now, right? Beef's with the world here.

I don't like the laugh. I don't like the laugh on that. That thing when everyone's like, I don't like it. And I hate it when people sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and shout like a light bulb and all that. Honestly.

Hate it. You are the complete opposite of me. It's not spoiling Christmas classics. They're my favourite bits. I can't bear that. Nah. Like Pinocchio. Like, you used to call him names. Like Monopoly favourite bits. Nah. Like Pinocchio. Like, you used to call them names.

Like Monopoly. Like, you used to play games. Like Pinocchio, like Monopoly. Nah. It's ruining it. Stop it. It's good enough as it is. Were you not just over the moon

when you learnt those bits? I never learnt them until I heard your stupid family doing them and I still don't like it. And do you know what? You know what? Covid's been horrible and 2020's been horrible

but at least I don't have to go to that house on Boxing Day and listen to those bastards ruin that song. And you can listen to that. Oh, Rosie's family, I mean that. Oh, really? Don't have to listen to you all ruin that song.

Let me all tell you why we're not having the party on Boxing Day. Because my 83-year-old Nana is vulnerable to COVID. She's vulnerable to shitty songs. She's vulnerable to shitty songs getting ruined. That's why. How dare you? They dare Zoom me and try and sing that song, all of them. Tell you what, honestly, how to ruin a classic.

Bastards Anyway What's happening This is the worst Christmas special Ever It's really Christmassy And festive But there's also

A really really Sort of bit And nasty undertone Which is my Favourite way to work Guys as always If you want to get in touch At shagmireyrod

At gmail.com But a personal Massive thank you From Rosie to everyone For the Christmas stories that they've been sending. Yes. You said you're really happy with it.

We've had some absolute bangers. Yeah. Really, really good ones. I'm excited about this. Christmas questions and stories. But it's always stories. There are hardly ever questions. By the way, guys,

don't email shagmarionodd at gmail.com with any more Christmas stuff until next year. It's just normal stuff from here on in. Yeah? So there you go. Don't tell them what to do.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're both as well as you can be in this shitty time. Happy days. There we are. Boom. Before Christmas, when I was around 13, my older sister asked me to do her a favour. She asked me if I could borrow my best friend's camera and

take some festive sexy photos of her to put on a calendar as a Christmas present for her boyfriend. Proper fucking weird. I'm going to get in here early. I'm going to get in here early and say, asking your 13-year-old sister or brother? Sisters. Had to be sisters, yeah.

Oh, God. Borrow a camera as well. Hey, do you want to take them photos on a borrowed camera? I do yes definitely Well I'm guessing This is before Camera phones and stuff So they love

Don't tell us They had to go to Boots And get them bloody Possibly They'll have been Did you not have The one friend Who got a digital camera

Before everyone else Yeah yeah yeah They'll have had To ask that friend To borrow the digital camera You know what they'll be In their dads Possibly

Yeah Oh that SD card. My sister is quite strange, so this request wasn't completely abnormal behaviour of her. So picture this, or you might not want to actually. I'm standing taking photos of my sister in this festive lingerie

in front of our big Christmas tree in the dining room. In the dining room. Santa's watching she then says i know i'll get naked and wrap some lights around me next thing you know i was helping her wrap these lights around her weirdest thing i know wow i was thinking you do not look sexy you look like a burrito she couldn't move her arms at all it's so weird it's so fucking weird i love it though i secretly love it whose thing is that you know what i love naked lasses wrapped in christmas lights who knows but people do stuff like this sexy barbed wire people do stuff like this people do sexy wedding shoots and that can't get my head around it.

As well, a calendar as well. Getting a boyfriend a sexy Christmas calendar. You've got to put your calendar on your wall. Where's he going to put it? Exactly. Anyway, here we go. Anyway, I was snapping away, and then my dad, yes, my dad, comes into the dining room.

Of course he did. It's the family dining room. My sister shit herself and tried to hide, but could not because she was wrapped in fucking Christmas tree lights. Trying to hide. Turn the lights off so we can't see us. Oh, fuck. She ended up rolling onto the floor

and pulling the plug out and nearly tipping the tree over. My dad just simply said, okay, and walked out the room. Wow. Do you know what I've just got really annoyed at? What? She took the lights off the tree. It sounds like she's taken them from the tree.

She's just ripped them half off the tree and wrapped them around her naked body in the dining room. I hate her. Honestly, when Robin removes one ornament from the tree. She's just ripped them half off the tree and wrapped them around her naked body in the dining room. I hate her. Honestly, when Robin removes one ornament from the tree, I'm raging. Oh. Horrible. Oh god, I'm not looking forward to having teenagers.

Funny though, innit? That dad as well, can I just say, he's seen some shit. He walked into the dining room, the family dining room and see one daughter taking photos of the other daughter naked wrapped in lights and go, okay, and walk back out. room, the family dining room, and see one daughter taking photos of the other daughter naked, wrapped in lights, and go, okay, and walk back out.

That's the tip of the iceberg of what he's seen. Yeah. Poor bloke. She sounds a bit intense. What would my dad do? I wonder. I think my dad

would possibly do the same. I mean, I'd have some questions. I'd have to ask. I'd have to ask. What would you ask? I'd be like, what are you ask I'd be like what are you doing what are you doing whose camera is that who's going to put them back on the tree

why are you naked what if you got electrocuted what the fuck's wrong with you none of you are getting anything for Christmas this one I think will cause a little debate between us but I think we'll be on the same side. Okay.

Okay. Not a debate then, but carry on. Not a debate at all, actually. What is it? A discussion? Maybe. I don't know. We'll see.

Okay. Dear Rosie and Chris, original lovers of the podcast here, we've been loving listening to you for more than a year now. We have even listened to you in labour, and our baby is called Rosie, born right at the start of lockdown. Isn't that nice?

Fucking as if you needed any more smugness in your life. Oh, get lost! Guys, stop doing stuff. For fuck's sake, name in, you children. Oh, sorry, Mr. Shit Name. No one's naming the bims Christopher, are they? Mr. Shit Name! What a shit name.

Sorry. I haven't had any email saying no love the podcast and he is the smugness I was talking about just what I needed this you'll be the next Gary you will your name will die out soon really well when was the last Christopher born well Well done on offending all the Garys. Garys died out. It's died out. Nobody's named their kid Gary. Dang. It's true.

Tell me when the last Christopher was born. Do you know any Christophers? I don't. I don't know. Rosie, I'm sorry. I don't keep track of all babies born with my name. And I guarantee that's something you would do, to be fair. Isn't it well I knew when I had my maiden name winter I knew that there was only nine rosy winters in the whole

world so weird why no no gosh oh my goodness no there was only there was only nine rosy winters but I was the only rosemary winter because my real name's rosemary how did you know how did you find that out? Google. Ridiculous. One, I don't believe it. Two, what an arrogant thing to be Googling. Why? Oh, me.

Oh, I'll see how many me there is. Oh, Matthew. Oh, me. Like the worst remake of Highlander ever. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but let us just have something. This was when I was just a struggling entertainer, singing in the socials, and I thought, you know what? There's only nine of me.

But there's loads of Christopher Ramseys. And to be fair, you sullied my name when I married you. There's tons of Rosie Ramseys. Is there? Oh, aye, loads. Common name then. Proper common. I have a mystery from my childhood that I thought you may enjoy but it's

not a Rosie's Mysteries. Okay. Not Rosie's Mysteries. There's loads of them. This is just a

normal mystery. There's only nine Rosie's Mysteries. Oh shut up. My family used to have Christmas Day in the Canary Islands every year.

Crikey. Isn't that nice? The other half live eh? Would you go abroad for Christmas? No. No? No. Don't think I'd like to. Yeah. I'm on board with Kevin Crikey Isn't that nice Wow the other half live eh Would you go abroad For Christmas No No No

Don't think I'd like to Yeah I'm on board with Kevin McAllister Why One on Home Alone 2 Why they're going to Florida For Christmas

Where there's no snow And there's no Christmas trees I mean I know there's no snow here But it's nice to be a bit You know I would this year Would you Are you kidding me

If somebody said Oh Here's a little ticket To Bermuda For Christmas Why Bermuda Would, here's a little ticket to Bermuda for Christmas. Why Bermuda? Would you like to go? Well, why not Bermuda?

Why can't I choose where I'm imaginary going? It's just weird that you pulled that one out of the... Right, Bermuda. It's hot there, isn't it? I don't know. Barbados? Maybe, yes. Something else with a B.

Okay, maybe Australia, where there's no COVID restrictions whatsoever, and it's hot as fuck. Well, yeah, I'd go. If I wasn't having this baby, we'd probably be there now. Okay, cool. Just saying. Again, you've ruined Christmas.

Well, so have you. You stuck your dick in this. Actually, I was aiming for the shortbread. It's just an accident. Anyway. So, they used to have it in the Canary Islands every year. And it was mainly so my mum could avoid my dad's family. Excellent.

And so we used to do fake Christmas the week before the real event. Brilliant. One morning, I was about eight years old, my little brother and I woke early, full of the joys of Christmas. We were sent downstairs to play until a more respectable time by our parents, and so we headed into the front room to see what Santa had brought us. Now, in our family,

this is where this really upsets us, we are not allowed to open our presents until after breakfast. Mental. When we're all dressed. I hate that.

We're even taken in turns to open them. It goes on forever. But that's not, they're going in, they're taken in turns is nice, but after breakfast?

Yeah, and it says we're absolutely not allowed to open anything until we're all ready wow that's torture do you know

some families do it after dinner yeah yeah yeah was that that was it that was a burp

you sounded like you were bursting into tears oh no sorry yeah I just feel for them total acid reflux but yeah also very sad

because I went to school with someone who used to wait until her grandparents got there after christmas lunch and i was like you don't open your presents what do you do until two o'clock in the afternoon yeah no no chance horrible no chance no but that's the thing but after so they're these people you're talking about now they don't open them until they're all ready and after breakfast so what what? So all ready and after breakfast. Time frames here.

So someone could have, you could have a banana and hoi yesterday's clothes on without getting a wash. Yeah. Bang. But someone else in your family could be having a fry up and ironing a fucking suit. Absolutely. Oh, no.

Dry it, blow dry it. A lot of people do curls in their hair on Christmas. Forget it. So you'd have to wait for all of that. No chance. Horrible. I'd open theirs. Yeah.

So me and my brother were throwing a Santa Beanie baby around and it fell behind the armchair. Oh. I went to retrieve it, only to find a shiny new scooter with a big bow on it. The scooter was at the top of my brother's Christmas wish list. He was very excited and we had a very good look at all its features, totally against the no opening presents policy.

Wow. Being young and innocent, we then rushed upstairs to tell our parents what we had found. We were all in their bedroom, even the dog, when we heard a big bang from downstairs. It was like a loud popping sound. My mum, followed by my brother, went to investigate and came upstairs two minutes later to tell us that the scooter had disappeared. What the hell? My mum claimed it was because we had peeked at the presents before present opening time

and Father Christmas had to come and take it back as a consequence. What the hell? Now, eight year old me was already questioning the old Santa theory anyway, so I went to check and it had totally disappeared. Anyway, we later opened our presents at the correct time and my brother was feeling particularly disappointed that it hadn't reappeared. Some tears were shed. Of course there were! And my parents tried to reassure him that Santa would know that finding it was a mistake

and he would bring it back at some point this do you know what the fuck can we just clarify Christmas day is the one day that I like to just relax parenting because you have to do it all through the year these these guys are like shit hot on it even on Christmas day right like like the whole consequence thing like you you found that present before you were allowed to open it and Santa's took it back

that's so cruel so what the hell's happened well listen on dear friend honestly this should have been the Rosie's mystery I'm on the edge of my seat

I'm nearly crying for the kid do you know what it is I did think about that but then I couldn't find that way to put the mystery in the cliffhanger moment sorry

it's okay it's okay come on just tell her we all popped off to my nan's to show her our Christmas haul, only to return to the bloody scooter

being back behind the armchair. To this day, we have absolutely no idea what really happened, and my parents still claim it was Santa. My brother and I have exactly the same memory of this, so it's not even as if we could be confused.

Did my parents have an accomplice? Did Father Christmas really take it away? How did they do that? Will we ever know the truth? Wow. I mean, honestly, yes, nasty. Yes, probably scarred the kid. He probably cried.

I mean, he saw the scooter. It was his main present that he'd had on his list. I'm not down with this. He'd seen it they'd found it it then disappears for the day for a couple of hours

by the sounds of things and then they left the house and came back and then he finds it in the afternoon harsh I've got to admire no

I've got to Rosie I've got to admire the execution of that that was really well done could you be arsed no but they can and they fucking nailed it

to be fair oh I'm sorry but I could not be arsed I'd, but they can and they've fucking nailed it, to be fair. Oh, I'm sorry, but I could not be arsed. Really good. I'd feel terrible. Wow. I mean, I bet they believed for a few more years. I bet they were well-behaved kids, to be fair. Hey, listen, you've got to do what you've got to do to get a lot of iron on Christmas Day.

That's amazing. I'm dreading this year. I'm dreading how early he's going to get up. I know. He's going to want to be up at five o'clock. He's not going to go to sleep. He's not getting up at five o'clock. I've told you the rule. That's where I will be a little bit strict. We've talked about this before. He's not getting up any earlier than six. Six is the, that's okay.

That's fine. And that's pushing it. Oh, I've just had an idea. What? You know the new Christmas house we've got on with all the noise and that. Yeah. I can plug it in.

I can put it on a timer. Right. And we can see until you hear the music of that thing, Santa hasn't been. And I can put the timer on and you can listen for downstairs and then when it comes on you can go down okay okay but if we explain that the night before he's going to be listening all night but yeah okay what if you set it for like half six what if by some fluke accident no fucking chance on earth i'm gonna set it for half six oh but then you'll be sat there for ages and we'll be sat waiting for it. We'll be asleep.

But what if you buy some fluke accident and it sleeps in until like nine o'clock? Ah, but it turns on at half six, you mean. But it turns on at half six. Okay. Oh, God. I don't know. See, this is why people do stuff like that with the scooters. I'm totally on board with that now.

No, I'm not. You're not. That's awful. Amazing work. Well done. I'm looking to do the same kind of thing this year. I'm just going to try and implement it properly. Terrible behaviour. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. Hi work. Well done. I'm looking to do the same kind of thing this year. I'm just going to try and implement it properly.

Terrible behaviour. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I've been thinking of sending this story for some time, but one, it's seasonal, and two, it's embarrassing to think my husband is a monster. Oh. So this is from a while back.

She sent this in, but it is seasonal, so I'm reading it out. My husband made the mistake of telling me a story from his younger years. Why he told anyone this I have no idea. I am mortified. Oh, I'm excited. Here goes. On Christmas Eve

he had gone out with his mates and pulled. He went back to the girl's house who lived with her parents and, you know, Christmas shag. All that. I mean, I think it's know christmas shag all that i mean i think

it's just called a shag but yes not a christmas it's special okay if you would like don't put the sound effect on i know all i'm saying is if you've i mean you probably won't but if you fancy it on christmas eve i could put that sound effect on it's 30 seconds long yeah just your favorite we'll have to do it three times. And put it on loop. Okay. As it was Christmas Eve, he left after

the deed, not wanting her parents to have a nasty shock in the morning. Bit like Santa. Empty sack and then left. Oh, hey. Lads, lads, lads. Christmas lads. Elves, elves, elves. Oh, sads. On his way out of the house, he went through the kitchen and saw the Christmas turkey and roast potatoes No fucking way! on the Christmas side, cooked, ready for Christmas dinner.

Thinking it would be fine, in brackets, or just didn't care, and seeing as he didn't get his dirty kebab on the way home, he helped himself to a turkey leg and a few roasties for the walk home. That is unforgivable. Can you imagine not having as many roasties or turkey because your slag of a sister booked someone on Christmas Eve? I would be raging. Oh, my.

Can you imagine? It's terrible. It's terrible. That's so bad. It says here, he doesn't see why this is so bad. Mate. Even though the girl sent a text the next day telling him he'd ruined Christmas. Fucking wonderful.

That is one of the best stories. You utter shitbag. That's horrible. Honestly, I'd be so upset. So bad. That is so bad. I know. Did I ever tell you about my mates um two of my mates

uh michael and steven went out when we were younger and uh steven used to often steven lived further away so they're gonna want you to name them yeah yeah no it's not too bad yeah so steven used to often sleep with michael's me michael lived in the same estate and steven used to often sleep with his because he lived far away and they got in one saturday night and um the uh they were like steaming drunk and I don't think they obviously

hadn't got a takeaway and they were like yeah let's have some bacon saunies there's some bacon in the fridge let's have some bacon saunies

and they made these bacon sandwiches and they said they were like eating them and they were like wow this bacon is like really

thick cut bacon this is horrible it was the gammon for the Sunday dinner the next day do you know what it is though his mum was raging

like we we are we have children yeah we are gonna be in that situation I've said it already on this podcast

this episode I'm dreading having a teenager I'm dreading it well my mum I remember when my brother used to go out when he was younger and he had this habit

of coming in and just frying food and my mum would like wake up in the middle of the night every single time because he'd just leave the gas on oh god he would just leave it on and she'd be like every time kevin you know what i mean he's just like coma toast on the sofa and he used to put i always remember this you have toast with mayonnaise on right so then the next day it would be in his room

and it would be like congealed awful yeah like where it goes like slightly translucent yeah yeah yeah horrible

horrible yeah we're gonna have that I'm dreading it yeah dreading it babadoo babadoo babadoo now at this point when we're gonna be asked

we normally have a celebrity question when we're gonna be bothered and we've found one. Am I right? Yes. Yeah, but we haven't done that for ages. I mean, I think it's still in the description,

but it shouldn't even be there. We've ran out of celebrity maids. I just don't have anything. I just feel awkward asking people. It's weird because you ask them and they go, we're asking a question. They go, what? And I go, well, we've had like almost 100 episodes

of being asked everything. There's probably nothing else that you can ask. But anyway, normally we'd have a celebrity question. We don't have a celebrity question but as it's christmas as it's 2020 as the year has been an utter piece of shit for many people we've got a very very special segment coming up from asda and the trussell trust enjoy this year asda has donated an additional five million pound to fair share and the Trussell Trust to help the country's most vulnerable people through COVID-19, giving more than 4 million meals to families who have been impacted by the virus and more than 3,000 charities access to free food.

Now, we all know who ASDA are, and I've no doubt that we've all stepped inside one of their many stores at some point in our lifetime, but you may not have heard of Trussell Trust. The Trussell Trust are a wonderful charity which support a national network of food banks to help provide emergency food and practical support to people in crisis while also working towards a future where everyone can afford the essentials in life. To tell us a little bit more about how ASDA along with the Trussell Trust are helping the country's most vulnerable people right now we are joined by

the Senior Director of Community and Corporate Affairs at ASDA. That's Jo Warner and also Chief Executive of the Trussell Trust, Emma Revy. Hello. Hi. Hello. Lovely, very nice to see you. Hello. Sorry, that sounded really formal, but you can chat now.

The formalities over. She got your full CV in those introductions there that was everything that was your record of achievement that was. Thank you so much for joining us and we're looking forward to hearing a lot more about what ASDA and Trussell Trust what you guys are up to this year. So let's start off what is the situation of poverty like in the UK at the moment and how has ASDA chosen to help tackle this issue so last year food banks in our network provided 1.9 million emergency food parcels to people who were in financial crisis and 700 000 of those were actually for children and we've seen that situation just

get so much worse as we've moved into the pandemic so in the first six months of the pandemic we were giving out 2,600 parcels to children every day on average which is a massive increase of 47 percent over the previous year so we know we know the situation is bad in our food banks but we also know it's just the tip of the iceberg because during the pandemic lots of other emergency community organizations have sprung up to provide emergency food aid and we know it's likely to get worse as we go into winter as well so as more people are facing the fallout of the pandemic and losing their jobs also the added pressure of winter and heating costs we're anticipating that we're probably going to be handing out a food parcel every nine seconds oh my god it's just's just not right. It's not right

that anyone is needing to rely on a food bank that much in our country and we know it can change and we want to see it change. No one should have to have to come to a food bank. And Jo, how's ASDA chosen to tackle this? We started our Fight Hunger Create Change partnership with the Trussell Trust and Fairshare who are a food redistribution charity back at the end of 2017. As a food retailer you know we're in hundreds of communities around the country so our our colleagues as we call them people that work in our stores they they see this and they know they know the families that come in who are struggling. We have this network of community champions so all of our bigger stores has a community champion they are out there you know they're in schools they're volunteering they are working with food banks and they're really our eyes and ears on the ground because every community is different

back in 2017 our customers actually we asked them you know what are the issues that that you want us to address and food poverty was um was top of that list working with with Emma and the team at Trustle Trust, you know, they're the real experts in this. So we've given over 23 million in that time over the three years. And really we focused on, you know, the immediate crisis needs. So the need, which is, you know, walking into a food bank and needing food that day.

But also then what we call more than food services. So Emma describes it really eloquently, actually, where you'll have someone who comes in and their immediate need is food. They want to take home food and actually the food bank manager will say to them, look, we're going to make up a bag of food for you. You will take that home today.

But actually while they're there, while that bag of food is being made up, we're funding more than food services, which is, you know, it might be a debt counsellor or a citizens advice counsellor who can sit there and talk to them about the root cause of what's driven them to be there today. And, you know, usually it is one or two things that don't go their way. Our investment on the fair share side, so fair share actually redistribute food from our our stores so um is actually redistributing all of that food waste as we call it but it's perfectly edible it's great um and actually we're

sending that out via fair share to two food banks trust or trust food banks other food banks and to other local community groups i love that idea joey i love what you're doing as well with the community um yeah officer in each store. And I just love the idea that there's somebody there working with the charity, knowing exactly who's coming into this store and what's going on. And I just think that's such a good idea to be there on the ground. I had no idea that was a thing until now. Yeah, I didn't know that was a thing.

I was spending time recently, actually, up in Yarnock of the Woods in South Shields with Mavis. And Mavis is our community champion at South shields and oh yeah shout out to mavis oh my goodness you need to go find mavis she is just um a beacon of light and she does she is you know we're in there all the time we will we'll ask for mavis we'll be there she'll be out in the community when she will try and we'll track her down um do you know what it is you know it's so strange we'll know our face honestly we'll go in and then someone will go that's me if i'll go yeah i've seen her yeah you will so emma um what does it mean to yourself and to the trussell trust to have as does support oh it's it's been really incredible working with and i think it's it's great to be able to work with a partner who is not only

supporting you with your immediate needs and and like there were times that started the pandemic where we were literally on the phone to Jo and her team every day and they were calling stores individually for food banks to source items so that kind of partnership in the immediate needs but also who like um who stand with you side by side in your long-term goals and i think that's what's incredible so it's not there's there's no just acceptance that food banks should be the norm but an absolute understanding that we need help now because we're seeing increased demands in in numbers of people coming to food banks so standing with us in that kind of compassionate response and helping us provide food but also really standing with us and that kind of compassionate response and helping us provide food but also

really standing with us and saying it's not right that anyone should need to come to a food bank and we need to create change and the the grant funding that we've received from ASDA that we've been able to give directly to our food banks that have employed debt advisors and support workers and provided space in which to sit and support people that that kind of specialist training and support workers and provided space in which to sit and support people that that kind of specialist training and support is really like taking a positive step on tackling the underlying reasons why people end up come to food banks and and hopefully make it that if somebody's had to come to a food bank once they don't have to come again because we've been able to to support them and I think we we we really feel strongly that we we don't have to live in a

society where food banks are the norm the partnership with us that in that and that commitment to that longer-term goal has is really invaluable and has meant a lot to us that's great to know that it's so interesting because obviously you you kind of think right food bank well they just give out food parcels to people who need them. But there's so much more going on behind the scenes. And I think it's great that you do have advice because that's what people need. People don't want to have to go to a food bank. They want to not have to go to the food bank,

but they need help to be able to achieve. It's that tackling the root cause, which is the long-term goal, which is just, yeah, phenomenal. Absolutely. I think from from our perspective you know as emma described um standing shoulder to shoulder with with the trussell trust and their and their mission for you know a hunger-free future is is essential you know we're a food retailer we sell food um it is very much in our in our minds close to our hearts our customers

hearts that that everyone has enough food you know as Emma said, food banks shouldn't need to exist. The Trust the Trust campaign is spot on, as usual, and we're right behind them. So, Jo, Fight Hunger, Create Change is just one pillar from ASDA's Creating Change for Better initiative, which is all about building a better world and more sustainable future. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Yeah, of course. So, yeah, our overarching programme is called Creating Change for Better. And we have four pillars, better lives, better communities, better planet and better business. But essentially, you know, as a big business in the UK, we know it's our responsibility to help make the world a better place.

And our customers are really, you know, really keen on doing so. So they've talked to us about food poverty. They've talked to us about plastics. The Creating Change for Better programme is just this overarching programme where we're looking at our business operations. We're listening to our customers about the issues that they care about. And essentially, you know, again, it does what it says on the tin. We're trying to create change for better within our own business and our supply chain. So how did Asda support Fair Share and the Trussell Trust this year during the pandemic specifically? There were a few things that we did initially.

So one of them, as Emma has described is you know we there was there were certain food banks I think particularly in London but but you know all over the country that that had specific requests things that they needed to keep going and we so we got on the phone to those shops and we were you know obviously at the time we we were selling out of things there there was a we never had a shortage but it was the it was the flow of food and other products to the stores that was the issue um so there was some some kind of on the spot you know store by store food bank by food bank connections um and we also um we gave this an additional five million um which um was split between fair share and and

trussell trust um and um and emma can talk talk a little bit about you know in terms of where that money went and the the funding from asda helped us to first of all roll out our e-referral much further so um somebody could be referred from a telephone service somewhere in the country so they were speaking to their housing officer on the telephone for example they could send an e-referral to that person so they knew their food was coming and then that could be delivered to their home rather than having to leave their home and come out to food bank and food banks had never run like that before and so it was amazing to have the support to be able to to do that and also the thing that was really kind of keeping me up at the time was the idea that people wouldn't know where

to go at all like we would have nowhere to call so we set up really quickly together in partnership assistance advice a national helpline where people could call and it's a free phone number to say look I don't I have no idea how to get referred to to my local food bank or what I can do and um we started off with like four people we now got 30 people manning that um help center amazing to be able to do it really quickly at the point when it was needed and and with with help from from asda quite literally springing into action like superheroes just bish bash bosh really impressive it's amazing so emma as we've been talking about it has been a really really difficult year um christmas could be a hard time for a lot of people obviously how are you guys continuing your support over the festive period?

So our food banks have already, just as the increased lockdown measures have been coming in, have already seen a further surge again just in the last few weeks. And we're really anticipating this winter being our busiest winter ever. So our focus is on providing that emergency support to people at the point that they need it and doing it in whichever way is necessary so one of the things that's amazing about our volunteers is there's absolutely no way they were not going to keep going during this pandemic like they have knocked my socks off but ultimately none of us volunteers people who run in food banks

none of us want anyone to have to go to a food bank. That's why this Christmas we're launching our campaign to fight for a hunger-free future. We know things can change and right now as we work together to rebuild our society as we come out, hopefully in the early part of next year, as we come out of this pandemic, we have a real opportunity to think again and begin that work of ending the need for food banks in our country you know christmas is is going to be really difficult this year so you know we're supporting trust the trust hunger hunger free future um and we're actually committing to providing a million meals um to families between um now november and christmas

um and and that's through a mix of things it's our it's our back of store donations through fair share and it's through the community champions that I mentioned going out into the community and delivering this food and the trolley at the front of store which which customers are donating so there's lots and lots of ways that we're doing that. So Emma what is the Trussell Trust's vision for the future and how are you working with ASDA on this? We're working towards a hunger-free future, a future where no one needs to use a food bank because everyone can afford the essentials in life. And we think this is possible and that things can change. So ASDA are supporting us in lots of ways moving forward, including helping us to develop our national helpline

so it can continue to provide free, independent and confidential advice, enabling people to gain the knowledge, confidence to move forward from their crisis, whoever they are and whatever their problem. And that's really critical in terms of supporting people with the underlying reasons that have forced them to have to come to a food bank. We're also really excited to continue to work with ASDA to help providing more transformational grants to our food banks and that will include supporting people with income maximization advice in the food bank, supporting them. We know that that's really

essential to maximize the amount of money in people's pockets and we're also like really proud to be working with ASDA in our fight for a hunger-free future by working together, to be working with ASDA in our fight for a hunger-free future by working together, raising awareness about the reasons why people are forced to have to come to food banks. And I'm working together, hopefully with also some of your listeners in joining our movement, our campaign for a hunger-free future. I think this pulls really hard on my heartstrings because when I was younger, we were on income support for about five years and in order to keep our house by the end of the week my mom used to go around the supermarket with a calculator and she literally had two pound in her purse and food banks weren't a thing then but my grandparents we were lucky enough that my grandparents and my auntie and uncles

used to come around with parcels of food and I remember gosh I could cry I remember just the feeling of just it was just wonderful and it was I was so young I didn't really understand it but the fact that my parents had to rely on family for food and back then if food banks had been a thing they might they might have been going to a food bank themselves and I just think what you're doing is such an important job. So Rosie I saw on your Instagram story that you'd recently visited your local food bank. And I know you regularly support food banks. How do you find it every time you're visiting there? And how do you feel about that?

It's a strange one. There's a mix of emotions because I'm really proud of my local community and how people come together and the donations that they get. And there was loads of local businesses that donated and raised money throughout the year and things like that. But then, so there's the pride and there's the, this is great. But then there's also the actual, oh, this is terrible that this is having to happen, you know?

So it's a real mix of emotions. But obviously I'm really grateful that it's there. And we have stayed in our hometown where we grew up. And it's lovely to know that we can help out and that people are protected and looked after. And like you say, there's so much more goes on with Trussell Trust and with all the local food banks. It's not just, oh, there you go, there's a couple of bags of pasta or whatever. It's chatting to them, it's getting to know them and it's helping in other ways.

And then it's hopefully, like you've said, Emma, it's going, okay, hopefully we'll not see you again. Not in an awful way, but you might now be sorted a little bit through the help that you've got. And like you say, it doesn't have to go on forever, but it is happening right now and people need the help and it's just really reassuring knowing that asda are doing all of this work and the trussell trust are there so from us too thank you so much thank you indeed and listeners please get involved and help in any way you can

guys that was wonderful thank you so much so massive thank you to joe and emma for everything they're doing and for joining us there and if you want to get involved dear listener here's three ways that you can you can donate to permanent collection points in larger asda stores to support local food banks look out for the green fight hunger trolleys you can also donate money to help give more people a place to turn this Christmas. Text ASDA to 70085. That's ASDA to 70085 to donate £3 to the Trussell Trust. Text costs £3 plus your standard network rate. UK mobiles only.

Seek Bill Payers permission. 100% of the donation will be paid to the Trussell Trust. Registered charity number 1110522 your donation can be made up until 23 59 pm on the 31st of december 2020 for full t's and c's visit asda.com forward slash fight hunger and you can also join the fight for a hunger-free future by signing up to the trussell trust campaign at trusselltrust.org hungerfreefuture Thank you so much for listening

have a wonderful Christmas from our house to yours and we'll be in your ears on Christmas Day with another little Christmas special Yes indeed, have a very, very Merry Christmas you beautiful, beautiful people and we will be thinking of you. Love you.

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