Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 97. Docket or Not

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

It's 2021 and thank F for that! Chris and Rosie talk about YouTube sensation Ryan, crap Christmas presents and Rosie has a cemetery related mystery...plus Chris has been holding back a question from the public you'll probably wish you'd never heard.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey, also known as Love of My Life, Father to My Children. I've said it before, I'll say it again, Soulmate.

Oh, why have you said that more than once? Because you've been being really nice to us recently. Have I? And I appreciate it. Really? I can't, I mean, I think I speak for everyone who listens to this podcast at this moment in time where we're all waiting for a butt or a big sort of pull the rug out from under kind of thing. No. Really?

I had cramp in the middle of the night the other night and I got up out of bed and you rubbed my cramp better. I did. And you didn't complain about it once and you haven't thrown it back in my face. And you've been really sweet. So there's no hidden agenda here. I appreciate it. I just got to quickly go on the laptop and change this to Xbeefs. Oh, yeah, I'm joking.

I'm joking. Oh, thanks. You're welcome. More about that later. But yeah, Rosie's essentially falling apart at the moment. More about that later. No, no, I meant...

You've been waiting until now to throw it back in my face. No, I haven't. I was joking about the beef thing. Yeah, basically, all I was going to say is instead of just bashing it all out in the intro,

you know, we've got sponsors to do, etc., we'll go into the main bit, and then you can explain to everyone why you're falling apart like an old 80s Ford Escort. Great. There he is. Love of my life.

Love of my life as well. But I tell you what, for almost a write-off, you are. Right. It's getting to the point now where I'm going to take you to the mechanics and they're going to honestly just buy a new one. Do you not even think I'd get 100 quid

honestly we buy any car would even be like nah I know I said any car but you know there's an asterisk implied guys it is

episode 97 and this is being released on New Year's Day oh happy New Year happy New Year to all of you whether you listen

on New Year's Day or after new year to all of you whether you listen on new year's day or after it where you're in 2021 which um fuck you 2020 yeah i mean i don't want to point out the obvious but uh at the beginning of 2020 everything was actually fine so 2021 is actually starting worse than 2020 started but the only way is up so there you go baby i don't man no sometimes sometimes i just like to say a thing i don't mind no sometimes sometimes I just like to say a thing I don't want the full fucking song

being done Christ on high anyway guys thank you so much for continuing to listen continuing to write like rate and

subscribe and them ratings are going up as well on the little apple thing if you keep doing that that would be absolutely

lovely you have 33,000 five star ratings can you believe it are we really can you believe it most on there by Amalia amazing Can you believe it? Can you believe it? Most Omni by Amalia. Amazing. Thank you so much, guys.

But, you know, all of this praise does come at a price. This week's lucrative I've got to pay the bills. Make it a good one because it's a new year. Okay, this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is slippers. Slippers, yeah.

Hey, you're in the house but you want to wear shoes socks not warming your feet enough want to feel slightly dressed even though you're still in your pyjamas and you haven't washed yet you need some slippers little sleeping bags for your feet

I love slippers you do you've got a pair in every room haven't you I do no word of a lie there is a pair of got a pair in every room, haven't you? I do. No word of a lie, there is a pair of Rosie slippers in every fucking room in this house. Three in the front room, including your War Buttons Crumpet ones that you're flogging online.

Yeah, your mum told us off for wearing them, though. Yeah, I didn't, see, I forget that you're pregnant quite a lot and my mum was like, my mum was like kicking off at you saying like, they look like you could fall down the stairs, you shouldn't wear them

and I was like, alright man, and chill out and then I sort of realised, I was like, oh look like you could fall down the stairs, you shouldn't wear them and I was like, alright man, Anne, chill out. And then I sort of realised, I was like, oh yeah, pregnant, falling down the stairs. I was like, that's the classic, that's the classic pregnancy injury. Do you know what I mean? She's totally right, she was bang on. At the time I was like, alright Anne, get off my dick. But now I'm like no, you're totally right.

I could basically break my neck. But they'll be back on. Good. Come when this baby's here. She did, thankfully, for everyone listening, she did thankfully get off Rosie's dick. Yeah, she, I mean, it took her a while, but. Just before we move on here,

I've got terms and conditions from the sponsor. I've just got what you do. Yeah. Is that okay? Of course, always. Gotta do that thing where you do it all in one breath.

All right. Have you wrote something down? Yeah, it's a slip. Oh, here we go. I wrote something down. It was emailed by the sponsor. What do you think this is? What are you talking about?

I'll write this down. What are you talking about? I'm saying Santa's not real next. Fucking wash your mouth. I'll brush your teeth. Ah, here we go. I wrote something down. I was emailed it by the sponsor. What do you think this is? What are you talking about? I'll write this down. What are you talking about? I'm saying Santa's not real next. Fucking wash your mouth. I'll brush your teeth. Ah, yeah, that was practice to do fast. Great. Here we go.

Terms and conditions apply. Do not wear slippers outside, even in your garden. Once worn outside, slippers are no longer slippers. They are just shit shoes. There we go. This is going to upset you a little bit. I wear mine outside all the time. Fuck you.

No, I do. Fuck you. No, because I've got a couple of Ugg slippers. Yeah. Creme de la creme. Uh-huh. Amazing. I've worn them outside to get the bins. Fuck you. No, I do, because I've got a couple of Ugg slippers. Yeah. Creme de la creme. Amazing. I've worn them outside to get the bins in and that.

Don't like it. Yeah, but then I've worn them inside and sometimes I've had them on the sofa and I'm thinking, right. Yeah, you're just wearing your outside shoes inside. Once they're worn outside,

slippers worn outside once, that's it, they're dead. They're just shit shoes. They're not slippers anymore. Wear them just in the house. Take them off the front door, put a pair of shoes on, out you go,

come back in, put your slippers back on. Ah, sleeping bags for your feet Oh no Your slippers don't last Ten minutes Oh my feet stink But more

More of that later Here's the jingle We had a fight About the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle On a jingle Jingle

So this is the jingle Jingle We hope you like The jingle Jingle Babad, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle 2021. Yeah. All lang syne. Very exciting. All the stuff that they do. None of that. I've always been all right for that. What? All lang syne. Can I just say, have I mentioned this on the podcast yet? Last,

so exactly a year ago today, well, a year ago yesterday, as you listen to this, New Year's Eve last year, I went on stage at the Customs House. Have I talked about this? About the routine I did?

I went on stage and I wrote, I had written a routine uh and i did it that night and i died on my fucking arse i hadn't done stand-up for acts i've been doing strictly right all them moons ago and i did a routine and it died on its arse because no everyone thought it was a fucking weirdo they thought i was out of touch they thought i was up my own arse and i came across like a twat it was a routine about how i think shaking hands is a bit dirty no way yeah and i did it last new year's eve i did it new year's eve 2019 2020 at a cousin's house rosie i died on my fucking hole i was reading that routine yeah it was very it you

came across like an arrogant dickhead and like you don't like social interaction. I don't touch people, yeah. Because you didn't want to touch anyone's hands. Wow, that aged well, actually. Yeah, it aged well. I mean, I fucking, I binned it. I binned it off. I might bring it back for the 2022. That's going to happen in 21, possibly 22. That's so interesting.

Isn't that weird? I died on my fucking hole. Like, really, really bombed quite badly. I remember actually telling you off because i was like you're the only person who doesn't like shaking hands yeah yeah yeah because to everyone else it's a normal nice interaction but the thing is i'm laughing on the other side of my face now because i feel like i can't wait to shake people's hands i know i'm honestly don't it all seem to go you don't know what you know just a bit just a bit no just that... Put up a parking lot shoe. Pop, pop, pop. Fair enough. Shoe.

Pop, pop, pop. Yeah, ridiculous. Yeah. Oh, bless you, darling. Shall we shake hands now? Because we're in a bubble together, aren't we? Yeah, we're in a bubble. But aeros, no one likes aeros anymore.

What, because of bubbles? Because of the woman, bubbles. Don't say bubble. Don't. Some bubble bath in that bath. Fuck it, I'll have a shower. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bath. So 2020 is done. 2021 now, which is nice.

Hopefully, it's going to be a lot better this year. We shall see. Fingers crossed. Try to be positive. I saw something fantastic online that I haven't told you about yet. Okay. And this just sums up social media of this year. Okay.

For me personally, because I love social media, but at the same time, sometimes I love social media. I just hate 50% of the people who are on there. It's less than 50. Is it? Yeah. They're just louder.

So most people, I've told you, most people don't even interact with any of them. Most people are just looking through the windows. Yeah. Most people just watch. Most people don't even click like on the thing that you post. Most people just see it and go,

that's cool. And they swipe by. Yeah. And they just go, they're brilliant. Then you've got people who click and like. on the thing that you post. Most people just see it and go, that's cool. And they swipe by. Yeah. They just go, they're brilliant. Then you've got people who click and like. They're also awesome. Yeah. Then you've got people who comment really nice things and like.

Fantastic. Yeah. And then a very, very, very, very, very, very, very small portion of the people who comment things say cunty stuff. Yeah. And, but you always seem to say it. Always. Always pops up, doesn't it?

The get to the top. Oh, yeah. Well, you're going to love this. I don't know if you've seen this and I deliberately haven't told you until now. I haven't been on social media for a bit. Well, I saw trending on Twitter last week. I don't look at the trends, but yeah.

Right, well, it was trending on Twitter. I think I'm sure it was trending. It must have been because I saw loads of people saying it. People basically saying 2020 can do one, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And then there was a very large portion of people who were actually sticking up for 2020. Great.

But not 2020 as a whole of a year. The number 2020. They were sticking up and saying it's not the number's fault. Wow. Like the number has feelings. Fucking dickhead. I hate everyone. I spent 20 minutes reading all of this shit of people going,

it's not 2020's fault that it's been a bad year. It's not the numbers. It's the context of the year. I was like, 2020 does not have feelings, you morons. People are crazy, man. But doesn't that sum up this year? It sums up social media and all that. If they were trolling, that's even better.

But yeah, it sums up all that stuff. that. It might have been, I mean, if they were trolling, that's even better, but yeah, it sums up all that stuff. I saw a video, I saw a photo, or was it a video of Australia. Obviously, everything's back to normal

in Australia. It was a massive crowd outside in a park. It was amazing, right? All these people having like a barbecue and stuff. And a top comment

underneath was like, the thing was like, oh, it was a lovely post because we're like, don't worry everyone, rest of the world, it can return to normal and it will.

Don't worry. Top comment was, I'll still wear my mask because I don't trust people. Fucking stay in the house then! Like, why was that the top comment? Fucking internet, man. It's gone. Like, why are you still wearing your mask? What, in the barbecue?

Oh, fucking hell, man. There's going to be a lot of that going on. But look, if it's all sorted and you want to keep wearing your mask, keep wearing your fucking mask. Just don't be surprised when I cough directly into your face. I'm joking. I am joking. I'm not going to do that.

I'm joking. I'm just being a silly Billy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Something interesting happened this morning. As you well know, Rosie, I've been giving you lie-in after lie-in after lie-in. It's actually getting ridiculous now. Robin can't remember. Robin doesn't even think you live here anymore in the morning he thinks Robin thinks you sleep somewhere else and then come back in at midday you you know

what Robin says yeah which is the sweetest thing in the world did I say it last week or have I just told my mom well because whenever you get up when you go to the loo in the morning because he's always in our bloody bed he comes in in the middle of the night. Yeah, he's getting better. He came in at like five o'clock this morning. Yeah, he's getting a bit better. I'm hoping when the baby comes, he's just going to be like,

oh, this Ben's crying all the time. Honestly, I've got a really funny feeling he's going to be like, fuck this. He's just going to scuttle back to his own bed and be like, this is loud and horrible. We'll see. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But you know, every time you go to the loo in the morning,

he's like, good morning, mammy like morning sunshine and he goes you stay in bed because you're pregnant oh does he you didn't tell me that he does yeah i think i must have told me mom that's really weird because when he comes out once i've been in the loo he goes lazy bitches lying in again and i go hi and we'll both walk downstairs slagging you off fucking clip in just son fucking clip dad honestly hey we could run this house on road downstairs, slagging you off. Fucking clip, son. Fucking clip, Dad, honestly. Hey, we could run this house on roll, come with Dad. We could indeed, son. Good stuff.

You pair of wankers. Yes, son, have a cigarette. Oh, did I say that out loud? Don't email in. Don't let me, son, smoke cigarettes. He's on rollies. We're hipsters. Now, this morning, right, so this morning,

as I say, being given you untold amounts of lions. Thank you. Don't make me take away what I said at the beginning. I really appreciate it. Just a great guy.

You're not a great guy. Great guys don't call themselves great guys, Chris. What's the point then? What's the point in there? It's like that thing where they go, if you do good things,

you shouldn't want any sort of, any recognition for it. do good deeds you shouldn't need like congratulate i'm like no no no i need i need congratulating for this i mean like i will walk out of the bank claiming how much have i just given to that charity someone pat my back um but this morning i came downstairs and then sometimes he doesn't want breakfast straight away he went in his play room and he just started playing with some Lego and stuff, and I was like, oh, amazing. So I made a coffee, and I went through, and I sat in the orangerie,

and the sun was coming up. It was a lovely little morning. There was a bit of frost on the grass, and he was just chilling out. It was really lovely. And I heard him make a noise, and I heard him get some toys out. And he went, Dad, Dad. And I went, yeah? And he went, can you hear this?

I went, I'm in the orangerie, son. He went, yeah, can you hear this? And there in the orangery son yeah can you hear this and there was nothing and i went no what is it he went the door i'll get it ready again two seconds i'll set it up again i went right and he had toys moving around in that and then he went now nothing i went no i can't hear it son and he went right come in and listen i went right okay he went come and listen i'll tell you when it's ready i'll tell you when it's ready i went okay he went now i walked in farted oh he's brewing a fart i thought it was toys i thought he was building something or doing something like a real one but he and he waited so he farted he went did you hear that i went no and then he went right did you hear that i went no he went right wait and then he waited honestly it was five minutes and then he went right come

in now and i thought what's he been making? And I walked in and he just knocked out a massive fort. I went, did you hear that? Oh, man. I hate that he finds it hilarious. But at the same time, so do I. Yeah. You know?

What can you do? We need to hide. We're laughing more when he's being disgusting. One thing that I nearly exploded laughing the other day. So me and you, we went to a Mac. Do you remember? We went to a McDonald's. Oh, we were.

Oh, sneaky, sneaky. We're telling everyone this. Are we allowed to tell? You're allowed to go. It was in our, Tia, it was in our area. Yeah, yeah. Well, we didn't know.

We didn't realise. We were going somewhere else. We were going to a park and then it started pissing it down our rein. So we went to Durham Services. McDonald's. McDonald's. And there,

you can sit inside. Because it's a service station. I think you can sit inside. Because it's a service station. Because it's a service station. Oh my God. It was beautiful. We were just savouring it. You know the way your dad used to sit? Like anyone's dad listening,

if you've got a working class family, you'd be on the promenade in Spain or somewhere when you're younger and your dad would nurse the last fucking inch of a pint just sitting, watching the world go by, as parents used to say.

We sat doing that, didn't we i just had my mineral water just look around going all them cars going through the drive-thru losers i had the best time i'm dining in um well anyway on the way back we got a um so the robin obviously is like me in the senses of his toilet humor and stuff like i will like both of them really but honestly we were going back we got our snickers in the car. Well, you had your chocolate, and he had his chocolate, and then you handed me a Snickers, right? And I took one bite of my Snickers, and you quite quietly went,

can I have a little bite of that, please? And he didn't hear you, but exactly... Snort. Nice. Oh, she's snorting. Robin didn't hear you, but same pitch, same tone, everything. About a minute later, I just heard, can I have a little bite of that, please, Daddy?

And I just basically took one bite of the Snickers, handed it to you, you fucking gnawed on it, and then I handed it to him for the rest of it. Load of shit. Isn't that being a dad, though? Yeah, just rounded out my year quite nicely, I did. Couldn't even have a Snickers. Fucking 2020.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. So, as I've said, I haven't been on social media that much recently just because I can't be honest with everyone arguing about a pandemic. Just gets a bit much. However, I spotted something the other day. Now, we watch...

If you think you've had a bad year, if you think you've had a bad year, Rosie, if you think we've had a bit of a bad year... Definitely. We'll hear this. All right, okay. Are you familiar with Ryan? You know, Ryan's mystery play date.

Oh, Ryan, the Ryan. Ryan, the Ryan, the Ryan. The Ryan, YouTube Ryan. Yeah, YouTube Ryan, but then he's got Ryan's mystery play date and he turns on, I think I've mentioned it before, how I absolutely hate the fact that that show comes on and it's him running about and his mum and dad come out and he goes, mum, dad, are you ready to play?

And they go, which as parents, I don't think they should be seeing this on the telly for the rest of them, they go, we're always ready to play. Yeah, they're setting a terrible precedent. God, fuck yourselves, man. Can you not just, I want to hear, not now, mummy's busy, daddy's hungover.

I want to hear them kind of things. Or we've got jobs, we're going to work. Yeah. It'll be nice. And this is the point I'm getting at they haven't got jobs Ryan is their job yeah

Ryan was the biggest YouTuber last year do you want a little cherry on top of how shitty 2020 was do you want to know how much Ryan earned this year how much Ryan from Ryan's toy review from YouTube how much he earned this year

just from YouTube right not from his magazines which we've spent hundreds of pounds on he's got magazines he's got toys he's got a tv show he's got merch how much just from his youtube clicks did he earn this year oh god well do you know what it's gonna be a lot because there's been a lot of youtube time for children yeah yeah i'll tell you i don't even want you to guess i don't want to tell you right now okay't even want you to guess because I don't want you to ruin it. I'm going to tell you right now. Okay, go on.

Are you ready for a year to be ruined? Yeah. Mom, Dad, are you ready to play? We're always ready to play. $30 million. Wow. $30 million. Yeah, I'm always ready to play, Ryan.

Hey, Ryan, I'm ready to play too, Ryan. Hey, my name's Chris. I'm Robin's dad. Come on, let's... Hey! Lens a million quick. We're always ready to play, Ryan. Come knock on our door. Come on. So, yeah, Robin, dad, come on, let's hang! That's a million quid. We're always ready to play, right? Come knock on our door!

Come on! So yeah, Robin, if you're listening to this somehow, for 30 million, I will always be ready to play. Anything lower than that, daddy's tired. Just another cherry on top of the Ryan cake. Yeah, yeah. You do realise that Robin said to me a few weeks ago,

Ryan's dad's really cool. Fuck him! You're joking! Robin said to me a few weeks ago, Ryan's dad's really cool. Fuck him. You're joking. Robin said Ryan's dad's really cool. He did. What the hell have we raised? I don't know. Ryan's dad's the worst one. I don't know. I don't want to have a go at anyone here,

but he's a right wally. And I know he's deliberately been around. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke in real life. I'm sure they are. It's his kid's party persona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, but I don't think Robbins has ever called you cool. But Ryan's dad. Whoa, whoa, this is, whoa.

It's cool. Look, I could take them earning 30 million in a year, but I can't take that his dad's cool on us. I'm not having that. Do you know what it is? I don't want to slag them off good on them no good on them

yeah absolutely we're just joking hey look it's that thing of kids programs it's not aimed at me it'd be really fucking weird

if I was sitting here going yeah Ryan's dad is cool and Ryan's really cool and I've seen all the episodes that'll be fucking weird it's not aimed at me well done the lot of you

well done it just freaks he's aging though who Ryan Ryan is aging oh he'll be doing that when he's 30 it's going to be horrible It's not him that me. Well done, the lot of you. Well done. It just freaks me out. He's aging, though. Who, Ryan? Ryan is aging. Oh, if he's 30, it's going to be horrible. Oh, his mom and dad are going to be like decrepit.

Mom, mom, dad, you ready to play? We're always ready to play, Ryan. Just got to slip my bag back in oh 30 million should we get Robin to do it Rosie I couldn't be arsed I'm not even joking I'm not even joking

for 30 million quid I couldn't be arsed fair play to them they put the graft in they do they deserve that to be honest yeah 100%

well you look happy people are watching but honestly if you offered me 30 million to do that for the year I couldn't do it running around like his dad,

like he does on the TV shows, and filming. All I do every day is film and play my toys. I know. You know what Robin does? What I do when Robin's playing my toys, I fuck off into another room for a bit. Yeah.

I've never seen them have a cup of tea yet. No. We've got two other kids, you know. You are joking. She had the two. We've got twin girls. Oh, crazy. We can't wait for the Netflix documentary about them.

The Forgotten Twins. Mom, Dad, are you ready? Shut up! Back in the cupboard! The pair are here! Ryan time! Oh, it's Ryan time. It always is Ryan time!

time it always is right oh my word oh wow i thought i was a bit demented as a middle child there will be oh mom dad can you put me to bed? Ryan's going to bed now. We hate Ryan. Big shout out to everyone out there who has no idea who Ryan is. This bit must have been fucking fun for you. Oh, God. Oh, right. And can we just clarify, I'm sure they really do look after all their children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes. Good God. It's the world coming to you, man, when you've got to apologise. What's the world coming to where you've got to apologise for claiming that a couple neglect two of their three children on a medium as popular as this? What's the world coming through where you've got to apologise? All I'm saying is, if anyone said that about us

I'd be devastated because Robin's been in the spotlight for a little bit with us and then when the new one comes along you know I might not be asked

and they'll be going mum you never put me on your Instagram I'd be like Robin's been on my Instagram get back in the draw yeah but we've always said

as soon as Robin doesn't want to be on anymore, he doesn't have to. Yeah, true. He's bloody loving it at the minute. It's actually annoying. I've got both of you sitting there. Oh, hey. Is that cheerio?

It's cheerio. Good. It's working. It's time for what's your beef what's your beef your little beef beef shit

beef shit awful do you want to go first or should I go first do you know what you go first uh huh okay then

why is this is this a tactic no no just I'm a bit out of breath I was laughing alright you knew what you signed up for

When you married this fucking Comedy genius Is what you did Right My beef with you This Festive period Oh right

So the whole thing Yeah yeah My beef with you This festive period Yeah And this week Is your General

Shittiness Around Christmas presents Excuse me? I Accidentally found No fewer than Three general shittiness around Christmas presents. Excuse me? I accidentally found no fewer than three of my Christmas presents. Don't dare say it's because you're pregnant because Robin didn't fucking find any of his.

Right? I found three of them. One of which... Was it three? Yeah, it was three. One of them was in the bag with Robinbins when we're wrapping them and you went oh that was supposed to be yours and i went thanks uh one

of them was randomly in the basket where we keep the hats and stuff and i got it out and you went however you found that and i went i didn't know what it was it was there and you went oh it was yours for christmas that was good uh another one i found when you came in when you brought it in from the you got us to get your bags from the car i got your bag from the car and it was yours for Christmas. That was good. Another one I found when you came in, when you brought it in from the, you got us to get your bags from the car. I got your bag from the car and it was in the bag. And I went, oh, what is this? And you went, oh, that's for you for Christmas.

I went, all right, thanks. Somehow you managed to snaffle that back and still wrapped it anyway. So I opened that on Christmas day. It was the beard cape thing that you put on the mirror. So I got that. That was months ago. However, the best thing you did, the best thing you did, the most cape thing that you put on the mirror. So I got that. That was months ago. However, the best thing you did,

the best thing you did, the most ridiculous thing you did. One day the gate buzzer went for our security gate and you must have let the guy in. I think I was at the top of the garden doing something. I must be probably recycling. That's all I seem to fucking do these days. And he came down and he put a box down on the porch

and he fucked off. And then I came in the house and then you were like, where's that delivery? And I went, oh it's at the front. And you went, well go and get it. And I was like, I'm busy doing something else. And I remember there was like, there was an actual like, little tiny bit of an argument because I was busy. So I sort of resentfully went and got the box.

Because you demanded I went and got it. And I brought it in and it had written on the side of it, the cookie company that it was from. I can't remember what it's called. The place where you got these cookies from. which were for me and you fucking bollocked us for seeing it that was another level, I walked in and you went oh, what are you doing, that was for you

you fucking told us to go and get it you piece of shit, well I didn't know though did I but you went oh great, you've seen that now, you sent us for it well can we just, let's turn the beef on the world right, listen no, corporations stop putting your fucking, at Christmas time don't put the name of what you are with just let's turn with beef on the world right listen no corporations stop putting your

fucking at Christmas time don't put the name of what you are on your box you could probably choose to have unmarked packaging on the website

you probably just didn't check that button I did for all the ones I got to know for you I chose unmarked boxes can you is that a thing yeah

don't lie to me I'm not lying I'm not lying swear to me swear to me I'm not lying it's like oh well I Swear to me. I'm not lying. It's like... Oh.

Well, I didn't know that. Because I've been really pissed off. Right, yeah. To the point of actually one of your presents. Did you not see? Did you not see? You just got selective

selective blooming... Oh, no. I saw the one with game written on. Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, I'll hit that though. I'll put that inside a cereal box. Right, yeah.

Yeah, but I saw that came in a pile of stuff. Right, okay. And then, by the way as well, at Christmas Day, I opened my presents and then you went, oh, there's one more. I just forgot to wrap it. And you brought a ripped cardboard box that looked like a dog had had to go on it.

And you brought that down. There's your other present. And I went, thanks. Can we just clarify? We don't buy... You sound very ungrateful because I've clearly bought you a lot of presents. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, sorry. Just in case anyone thinks I'm being ungrateful because I've clearly bought you a lot of presents. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, sorry. Just in case anyone thinks I'm being ungrateful here. One of them was a cape that you put around your neck and then you just sucker it to the mirror so that when you shave your beard, the hair's falling.

Yeah, so you're all your Maggie Horrible, you be beard, hair, don't go on the sink. The other one that I found in the hat fucking box with the basket where you keep the hats in, that was a little tool for my bike to tighten stuff up. Very thoughtful, very good, but a couple of quid. I'm not being an arsehole here.

A couple of quid? And the other one was, which I took this as a personal attack, actually. It was a cleaning kit for my Apple earbud things. Found that offensive. Right, yeah. Well, actually, I kind of only bought you that because i wanted to fuck me you're the same as your mom you and your mom are the same you know last year your mom bought me i opened me present right so last year your mom was making helping you make christmas dinner at our house she was making it and i opened one of me presents and it was a it was a tray

it was a cooking tray with the spikes in the middle that you put like a joint of beef or a bird on so it doesn't move around she bought us that and I went

oh and she went oh you know just because you're cooking and that I went alright thanks and she took it off us

and fucking used it like a minute later it was ridiculous she was like oh yeah do you like it I went yes right cheers out me hands and she went and put the turkey on it and cooked the fuck out Like, a minute later. It was ridiculous. She's like, oh, yeah, do you like it? I went, yes, right, right. She has out me hands and just went and put the turkey on it.

I couldn't fuck her. Honestly, I was expecting to open up the fucking, the stuffing and the fucking potatoes in there. Oh, God, lover. God, lover. Are we talking about what my brother bought me for Christmas or not? Oh, if you want to. He doesn't listen.

Oh, fair enough. He's told us flat out that he's you don't need to listen i'm like well 100 nearly 100 episodes in a way he never listens yet i was on someone else's podcast the other day and he told me he was like oh i heard you on their podcast i always listen to them i was like all right cheers well let's slag him off so for christmas this year of my brother i kindly and and you know what it's lovely because I'm happy to get whatever and bless him, he bought it for us. Got us a maternity pillow. He did. Pregnancy pillow.

Yeah. Got two weeks left. Less than two weeks. Got less than two. Wow. So that was nice. Can we talk about what your mum got your brother? Oh.

If you want. It's ridiculous. Your mum's amazing at the passive-aggressive gift. Do you want to tell them the story? I'll tell them the story. Rosie's mam bought her son and her son's partner, Beyonce, for Christmas in a very passive-aggressive, you're looking a bit rough, green around the gills way, sort your life out sort of present.

She bought them a big massive pack of multivitamins laughing laughing laughing like honestly because she's my mum, I love her

but if I was going out with my Kev I would absolutely hate her. Can you imagine? So, it's just like... Merry Christmas. Yeah, some multivitamins. Multivitamins.

You're like, shit. So, honestly, Sandra, I know you listen. What were you thinking? Well, I was half expecting my bag of presents and that. I was thinking she's going to put some scales in here. She's on one. Kevin, you need to eat better. Rosie, you need to lose some clem.

What would you get my kid? Kate. God, Naz. Funny. Only a mother could get away with that. I'll probably be doing stuff like that. Oh, I'm going to have to rein you in. The day I see you wrapping up multivitamins for our sons for Christmas.

Our son's partner sorry I will be funny man bless her it comes from a good place it comes from an interfering place just drop them in my point is drop them in through the door

was there not one point of that I'm not again people are going to afford different things I'm not saying a Christmas present be you know extravagant and expensive i'm just saying was there not one part of that as she sat and wrapped up in christmas wrapping a pack of fucking multivitamins did she not think this is a bit weird well no because my mom's still in the world of um at christmas we would just run out of stuff but get them for christmas right okay we'd have holes in our knickers and we'd have like toothbrushes like two months out you know

you know how you should get an orange and you're stuck in she's just gone she's just gone new age yeah she's modernized the old orange orange only gets the vitamin c's has got them all in an omega in that and do you know what bit of cod liver oil in there for you they'll have been quite expensive yeah

they'll have been like a good pack was it a good pack they'll have been about 13 quid yeah but that's you can't go you can't go

here's a passive aggressive gift that's a bit pointless but hey it was expensive so you better be happy they know what she's like now she's got to take how she is

absolutely amazing I love her she's class bought yous there for your anniversary I've got yous a couple's colonic They know what she's like now. She's got to take it as she is. Absolutely amazing. I love her. She's class. Bought yous there. For your anniversary, I've got yous a couple's colonic. Side by side in the bed,

you sit in stirrups and they just pump the shit out of you and it all goes into one tub and you get it frozen and you've got to keep it. One year, she's going to buy us, like, what's the word? That three-day nanny for Rob. High-edged is a three-day nanny for Robert. High-edges a three-day nanny for your kid.

Thanks, mum. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! My beef with you, Christopher Ramsey. Since we've been at home together a lot more, like I've said, you know, Café Rosie, Café à la Rosie, still open daily on the regs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind

cooking for my family it's nice it's nice to be able to do you know what I don't like what being asked how long it's going to take oh okay

every night right okay this is your new little thing now okay what have you got somewhere to be like yeah yeah I want to go in my office and play on my Playstation 5

which I never get a chance to do right well that's another thing because you've got some kind of vendetta against my Playstation 5 I don't have a vendetta oh it's crazy do you know what I do have a vendetta about you Right, well, that's another thing. Because you've got some kind of vendetta against me PlayStation 5. I don't have a vendetta. Oh, it's crazy. Do you know what I do have a vendetta about?

You know, Christmas Eve? Yeah. My 34-year-old husband asking if he can sneak off for an hour to go on his PlayStation. What's going on? No, you fucking can't. Oh, it's Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve.

Just sit here with everyone doing fuck all. You've got a kid? Nobody wasn't doing anything. I had time. There was stuff to do. Honestly, I was thinking, I've got it written down in my notes, actually, right? It just says here,

I don't know how people have affairs, I can barely get time to play on the PS5. Honestly, who these people are who've got double lives and two marriages and two sets of kids?

Fucking, give us a ring and tell us how you've fucking wangled a bit of time. Because I can't even get one round of zombies in without someone coming and fucking kicking me off a store in.

Oh, you sad little shit. Sick of me life. One round of zombies. Tell you what. So is that why you keep asking us how long dinner's going to be? Yeah, because I want to go and do something. I don't want to just stand and wait. Rosie, you call yourself Cafe Rosie,

even the most basic takeaways tell you how long it's going to be before collection. Oh, wow. Honestly. No, it's every night, though. Well, I guess you start fucking about. It's like, what happened to our tea? And I'll start cooking and you go,

how long's it going to be? I'm like, I don't know. Right. I know right i don't know well yeah but i want to know because i you must have a rough idea of how long it's gonna be something like not really sometimes yes sometimes no right but not always either night you had five minutes and i went five minutes then you went there and you're like oh we're more like 15 i was like great but the first five minutes were gone so i only had 10 you do it on purpose man you're like this to have us hanging near you yeah i was i was busy doing stuff here. I was moving all the wood

at the front. I got another job a lot of wood, by the way. I didn't fancy mentioning it on the podcast but I got loads. Went half as a remake. Got even more.

Two cubic metres. Amazing. Now, I was outside doing that and you phoned us to bring something up for you because Robin wanted something in the bath upstairs. No, because I'm nine months

pregnant, Christopher. Yeah, but you were already in the bath with him and you phoned us and said he wants a toy bringing up. So I brought a toy up and he went, do you want to stay and talk to me? No, I fucking don't want to stay and talk to you.

I've got stuff to do. You just want us lingering round. I really don't. You do. I'm a bit hormonal. We've been watching The Crown. You want me in a red jacket and black pants and little gold buttons with my hair stick back.

You want us just fucking standing in the corner of the room, ready for you to go, Graham, Graham, and I'll come over and sort something out. Who's this Graham? It's the, watched an episode last night

in Hell in the Bottom Cart and I clicked my fingers and said Graham. Oh, is he called Graham? One of them's called Graham randomly heard his name. Ah, nice, okay. There you go.

Oh, do you, do you want to do your accents with me in practicing? What accents? The posh royal accents. I'm not very good at it. Yeah, I move. I move? I move. Is that off. Yeah, I move. I move?

I move. Is that off? Yeah, that's all I can say. Why do I always have to sound terribly... I have to sort of slur. It's sort of more... Almost a Boris Johnson kind of... Oh, Philip, no, sorry.

That's not very good. I move. That's all I can do. You sound like you're claiming that you are the snowman from Frozen. Hola. Hola. from Frozen. Olaf. Olaf. Yeah. Oh, wow.

It's Ryan's dad anyway. Where is Ryan's dad? I wish Ryan's dad was here. So cool. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechall God. Jesus. Shocking. 2021. For fuck's sake. I'm not. Still left that in where you blow into the mic when you say way that's still in there that's good listen i've got some time off soon right so i might redo it but by time off i mean a newborn so it's not really time it's by time off, I mean a newborn.

So it's not time off, is it? I keep thinking, oh, got a little bit of a maternity leave. But I haven't. So I'm going to have a kid. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Hello, Chris and Rosie and Robin and Rona. Rona. No need to keep me anonymous. I'd be over the moon if my mum and dad listened to your podcast. Wow. I don't know if that means that they do or they don't or who knows. Or maybe the story's about the mum and dad.

Maybe, yeah. Many people say they understand me a little bit better when they get to know my parents. This is the true story of my mum and dad's third or fourth date it was the anniversary of my grandfather also known as my dad's dad usually usually what a grandfather is could be a mom could be the mom's mom but it just made us laugh that she didn't say the dad's dad she just put grandfather aka yeah yeah it was the anniversary of his death

cool my dutiful and very catholic mother joined my father to pay his respects at the cemetery for the third date

for the third or fourth date fuck keep it light mate Jesus I'm not I'm not having a go here but hey you know them two dates we had

I had a good time would you like to go again? Yeah, definitely. How does Tuesday sound? Yeah, Tuesday sounds great. By the way, it's the anniversary of my dad's death. Do you like cemeteries? Well, you know what?

I'm Catholic, so yeah. Happy days. Let's do it. Why not? Crikey. We went for a walk around the cemetery where we live. We've got a lovely, beautiful cemetery. And a lot of people just walk around there with their kids on scooters and bikes because

it's really safe. Yeah. And it's lovely. It's beautiful. We went for a walk around there with the kids on scooters and bikes because it's really safe. Yeah. And it's lovely. It's beautiful. We went for a walk with our friends the other day. You know, socially distancing. Do you remember that I said, should we walk past my grandad's grave? Yeah.

And we didn't because the kids went a different direction. But was that weird or not? No. No. I don't think it was. No. But weirdly, what was weird actually

afterwards was I spoke to your mum and your mum said to your mum she was like what have you been up to and you were like oh I've been to the cemetery

and she went oh did you go and see your grandad and you went no I walked another way and she went oh. It was like you proper snubbed him.

Oh. I know but I didn't the thing is we ended up walking a different way because the kids went the kids ran off a different way

and then I didn't want to go, like, to you, the kids, and we're friends. Yeah. Me grandad's over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That way, can we walk back that way? Yeah, yeah. So I might actually go for a little walk this afternoon

and say, grandad, I'm sorry, I haven't forgotten about you. Please do, so I can go on the PlayStation. That would be awesome if you did, actually. Right, we can. Cool. Deal. Daddy love your grandad. You would have loved my grand did, actually. Right, we can. Cool. Deal. Daddy love your grandad. You would have loved my grandad, actually.

I know. I keep hearing that. He's very similar to your dad. No, he was. Yeah. I'll leave him. You love your dad. Don't even.

You love your dad. Do you know what's lovely, right? I think about this quite a lot. We've got a couple of photos of your grandad in the house. And obviously, I never got to meet him. I hope that when I'm dead and gone, that my grandchildren have photos of me and say nice things like,

you would have loved me grandad. Yeah. That's good. Well, we'll see. Well, then again, they're going to go, you would have loved me grandad. Do you want to listen to 100 plus hours

of him and me nana talking? Oh, fuck that. Okay. That's the thing. I mean, with this podcast, we are leaving behind a record that, if it's still kicking around thing I mean we with this podcast we are leaving behind a record that if it's still kicking around

I mean Jesus I don't want my grandchildren listening to this oh why aye man it'll be getting taken into school and that no thank you

yes we'll have to put it in a box that they're not allowed to open until they're like 30 we'll put the whole internet in a box will we Mr Silly Billy everyone

everyone listening bring your phones around we've got a box to put mr silly billy yeah everyone everyone listening bring your phones around we've got a box to put them in yeah oh yeah shut up what a stupid thing to say actually do you know what i don't think i'm a nice bloke i don't think they'll say that no they won't say that my grandma would never have said that yeah god rest his soul i never had a podcast he didn't push the boundaries possibly so i'm joking i'm joking I'm joking come on back to the mystery after a short pray

and moment of silence this is what my gosh I'm sorry what I just still can't get my head around that this is our third date everyone's different

and that's fine olden days wasn't it everyone's different yeah after a short pray and a moment of silence want to see aianandos after this no man this is back in the day when you'd get the bus we'd get the bus we'd go at the pitch

go at the flicks go at the mecca and then we'd get fish and chips on the way home guess how much guess how much how much dad my dad and your dad love this. My dad taught one on Christmas Day to Bob or something to Bob. He got out of the club and had five pints

of fish and chips supper afterwards and I got the bus home and I had a Thripney Quark left or whatever the fucking I don't know.

Oh, horrible. It just goes up and up and up every time I speak to my dad though. It's their favourite game. It's literally went round the fair, had a lap dance.

I once went out with a shilling and five bob threat pants and I got the bus there and I missed my stop and I had to get the bus back. And then I had 16 pints and then I had a fish supper and then I got three lap dances at the Brunny. Bought your Mars engagement ring. Bought your Mars engagement ring. Bought your Mars engagement ring after the lap dances, because I felt bad. Then I came home on the bus, and then I stopped and bought some milk off the milkman who was doing his rounds, because it was late.

And you know how much I had left? A thracony choir. I had a thracony choir left. How much is a thracony choir, Dad? Oh, well, you you know same as a two fourths of a shilling a what fucking

it's like another language man I know it's fascinating though a lot of times so anyway right let's Christopher we are massively digressing

no but my dad's on Christmas day my dad said it he said something like he was like oh I've got two bob left and I went what's two bob and he was like

half a shilling and I was like what's that I was like fucking bob left and I went what's two bob and he was like half a shilling and I was like what's that I was like fucking stop putting it in other things I don't know

measure it measure it in now money thousand pesunas 42 drachma fucking tell us it now

in now money you stupid old fucker wasn't it like a pound 50 or something oh I didn't know what was going on about it was yeah

right Chris let's get back to this because this is this is actually not as good as what we're talking about unfortunately but never mind so after a short prayer

and moment of silence around the grave right he's dad's dad he's just been talking about how much it used to be to go to the pictures

yeah yeah yeah and that was old and olden days you know yeah where they used to just use bottle tops it was just a picture

you just got a shorter picture yeah this is what my no filter dad had to say to my mum what do you think he said oh so they're standing it's his dad's his dad's grave

he's standing they've had a prayer a moment of silence and they're on a date and he had no filter did he say oh right okay so i was gonna say it was something like really bad like let's you know can i bend you over the tombstone but i doubt it was well there we go see I got from I got from the vibe that it's not that is it something like you know is this the best third date you've been on

or something like this I bet you've had I bet it's the best date you've ever had or something or I don't know it's not or you know

awkward third wheel or something I don't know no you're wrong should I tell you yeah he said without missing a beat,

you'll be buried here. That's fucking great. Yeah, that's excellent. That's really nice. It says here, my mum immediately started crying and nearly left him there and then.

Wow. But the truth is, they've now been married nearly 40 years. Wow. I'm not sure you've got marriage on your mind there. Wow. You'll be and then. Wow. But the truth is, they've now been married nearly 40 years. Wow. Weird way to show you've got marriage on your mind, eh? Wow. Mm-hmm. You'll be buried here.

Yeah. Wow. And she will be, because they might have a plot. Yeah. Well, my brain, if you'd have said that to me, you'll be buried here, I'd think, have they bought this plot? Is he got money? Yeah.

Wow. This family's got money. And I'd go home to my mum and I'd go I think they've got a plot mum we're in they'll squeeze you in yeah

she's dead skinny I should have just climbed on someone else's coffin your mum even if it wasn't dead just near the end she'd climb in with a corpse and she'd go

just lure us in do you know three knocks if I've changed my mind if not just hide the dirt on top do you know my mum wants a wicker basket? A wicker basket to get buried in?

Yeah, because it's cheaper. Really? Yeah. I've got one in the hallway that I could get out, but I might find next year's Christmas presents in it. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public.

Public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmoudenoid at gmail.com please keep sending your ridiculous questions and stories

and anecdotes and dilemmas and office polls and all the rest of it we love that you've been sending stuff so much so frequently so frequently in fact Rosie

that something absolutely amazing happened today what I got an email so I was sitting going through the the emails as well today so you've got some questions now i've got some questions and we'll do a few each and you

know some might get left in and some might not it might end up that all of them are by me or that all of them are by you you never know but basically we both look through the emails today is what i'm trying to say in a long-winded roundabout way now i was sitting there absolutely no need there was no need to say that so i was looking through the emails today was sitting there sorry absolutely no need there was no need to say that so i was looking through the emails today right sitting there and uh sometimes i just like as i'm looking through one will pop up as i'm looking at them i'll get one in that moment and i always think it's quite cool that someone's literally just typed it and send it and i read it right dear chris and rosie i'm absolutely outraged i'm hoping Chris will be too for Christmas my husband got me a

dragon egg lush bath bomb dragon egg bath bath bomb from lush I'm assuming that is right okay do you know what the controversial I hate bath bombs is that because they hurt your fanny that yes I've got very sensitive down below well I know this because a you talk about it and b when I asked you if you had any ideas for what you wanted for christmas in november one of the things i've still got written me form is bath salts that don't hurt me vag yes direct quote sensitive direct quote yeah just just very sensitive down there have to use a lot of products that don't have stuff in but bath bombs just don't don't get them i think they're a bit shit well they just make

your skin go all funny bit slimy bit slimy the water goes like they're very much for kids but I don't think don't think they are for kids I don't think they are for kids

I literally don't think kids are supposed to actually use them maybe teenage girls like you know like nine year old girls Robin I mean Robin loves a bath bomb

yeah but he would literally like he gets rashes if he's in them too much. He's got no skin. They are largely pointless. Largely pointless. But anyway. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your present,

the person who wrote in. Sorry, yes, sorry. For Christmas, my husband got me a dragon egg lush bath bomb. Sounds wonderful. While having a nice relaxing bath, my husband exclaimed that my bath looks like it has piss in it,

as it is a deep orange colour. Yeah, that's another thing. They look a bit pissy. They look like, you know, an axe murderer has been in your bath. I explained, depending on the one, I explained that that would be disgusting. He then said, well, I piss in the shower all the time. So I'm guessing the shower's in the bath.

It's one of them, your shower's above your bath kind of thing. Yep, yep, yep. I expressed my disgust at this, especially as he said that he doesn't clean the bath each time and I was currently sitting in the bath. Right. So he wheezes in the shower, wheezes out of the place, and he hasn't cleaned it over,

and now she's having a bath in that very bath that's in there. Right, okay. He continued proudly to say that the day before he pissed in his blue bath brackets he had a lush bubble bath for christmas so he got a thing right right and he said he weeding it to see if it would change color he confirmed that it did indeed turn green from blue when he weighed in it the bath so he's a serial bath weir in her great so she's in the bath she's had the she's been he's weeding the bath he's weeding the shower he just wees all over the place right he seems to think that chris would agree and that this is perfectly acceptable and he doesn't need to clean the bath well i don't agree he's got the wrong yeah he's got the wrong

one of us yeah he's got the wrong one here you'd be okay with it wouldn't you you'd be fine with it well you know when water's over a certain temperature yeah it doesn't matter it's just wee right okay do you know what i mean yeah so you would you wee in your own bath yes wow do you wee in your own bath annoying okay sometimes depends i mean i'd rather not yeah but i just think sometimes I just think Sometimes you have to Does it matter Do you have a way In that let me get in No I wouldn't do that

That's fine You would say I wouldn't tell you Jesus So Anyway Do what you want With that Chris

That came in That email I read that I had a giggle About five minutes later Another email popped in Don't say it's from The husband

Dear Chris and Rosie It has just been made clear to me that my wife has written in to say i piss in the bath so i thought i'd tell you a story of my own the same they've got the same surname i'm obviously not reading it out but i read that and as i'm sitting there and i just looked again and he's fucking just retaliated straight away right okay what's he saying i don't know if this is psychological but when i travel home and reach the door, more often than not, I suddenly desperately need a wee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Normally I do the wee dance, as put in speech marks, and just manage to make it to the toilet. One such day, I did not make it to the toilet, and I wee'd myself. I knew it would make my wife laugh, so I told her.

Yeah? Yeah. So he's wee'd himself, he came in, he's wee'd himself. At the front door. Yeah. Now what he's weighed himself he came in he's at the front door yeah now what he's about to tell us is something she would not ever want told but he's telling it in retaliation to the last story okay so he said she opened the door and he went you'll never believe this i've weighed myself and she turned around and went you'll never believe this today on the What? The twits. Jesus. They're back. What?

On the same day? Yeah. We haven't quite literally managed to piss and shit to ourselves on the same day. If you share one story, you have to share the other. Kindest regards and all that jazz. Fucking hell. Do you know what I think? I'm not judging here, right?

But I've got a feeling that this couple here, I've got a feeling that their house is filthy. I've got a feeling that the wall around and surrounding their kitchen bin is stained with bits of tomato and stuff and flecks of food. But it mustn't be because she was getting annoyed about weeing the bath. Yeah, but she shits herself on the regs by the sound of food. But it mustn't be because she was getting annoyed about weeing the bath. Yeah, but she shits herself on the regs by the self-defense. Yeah, that's... Imagine that, though,

on the same day. Same day. That's a match made in heaven, isn't it? You know you've found the one. Look at this. I've pissed myself. You'll never believe it.

I shat myself today. Must be love. Love, love. Da-da. I just love the fact that they've just basically argued with each other via our email. I just thought that was really nice. I enjoyed that. What are the chances of me sitting there?

In fact, there's 26,000 emails in there. What are the chances of me sitting there and catching both of them? Happy with that. Well played, guys. Thank you. Enjoy the fallout from the argument that this will definitely cause. Got one here. You know when you just realise that people get you what do you mean like i think a lot of our listeners get

we and they know exactly who we are i think they've worked it out but i'm sorry to stop you there the only thing i find confusing is i am one of those people who my opinions change all the time. Yeah, yeah, same. I'm not, what, I don't know how to describe it. I get so many messages going, Rosie, you said this, and then you said something else about that. Oh, I get loads of them, yeah. And I'm like, I'm not this person who, I can't live my life having these really stringent views on everything.

Well, you can, it's a mark of sort of intelligence and well yeah and as a sort of function member of society when you can change your views absolutely when presented with new data yes that's me yeah i'm very fickle in that way well yeah not in a nasty way i'm just quite i'm not massively headstrong and i know i do seem like i am and i go i kind of go all in but then someone will just go, what was he doing? And I'll go, oh, right. Yeah.

And I'll back down. Yeah, if someone goes, you know, realise they do that because of X, Y, Z, you go, oh, okay, fair enough. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time.

But I think people have got where the major part of where I think they've nailed it. If we hadn't gone a bit deeper then I wanted you to go here. I'm really sorry. Because all I meant was someone's basically just sent something in

and says, I heard this question asked and I instantly thought of you two. Okay. When I then read the question, I heard this question asked and I instantly thought of you two. Okay. When I then read the question, I was momentarily offended. Then after about five minutes, I was like, yeah, you've nailed us here. All right. Okay. What's the question?

How much poo can you put in a chocolate cake before you taste it in the cake? We've won awards. We've won awards for this we were observer and guardian critics critics pick of 2020 number four out of every podcast in 2020 every podcast and radio moment in 2020 we were number four brilliant however i read that do you know what it is i read that question and i went oh and I clicked off it. And then I sat and I thought, how much? Mate, I'm wracking my brain. I can't work it out. I've been thinking about this all day.

When I make a cake, I stick to the four ounce rule, right? Yeah. Four ounces. What's that? So four ounces of flour, four ounces of sugar, four ounces of butter, two eggs. Jesus. Right. That's how i make a

cake right but if you want to make like a bigger cake you double it so eight ounces eight ounce so i'm just like how much shit do you think it'll be four ounces of poo before you could taste it probably yeah just to keep it even but then i just i love that that she instantly thought of where i love that she instantly thought of where. I love that she instantly thought of work. But it says, I heard this question asked and instantly thought of you two. Where the fuck did you hear that? I know, who's asking that? Where have you heard that?

Well, that's office banter, isn't it? Some people are back at work. I suppose, yeah. How much do you think? How much? How many poos? Honestly, and this is so bad, right? I don't want to get too deep into this, right?

But I feel like... We're there, Chris, we're there. I feel like it really depends on the person. I feel like it depends on what kind of cake it is and what kind of poo it is. And who it is. Isn't that bad, yeah? So I feel like if it's a Victoria sponge

and it's the night after a curry, not much. Well, they said a chocolate cake, though. Didn't they say a chocolate cake? Oh, okay, they've said chocolate cake sorry so I feel like if it's a really thick rich chocolate fudge cake

quite a weirdly I think quite a bit like quite a lot this is this is horrible it's the worst it's got me head done in

it's got me head done in bits and that it's not that's texture we're talking about taste right okay oh god please no one do this.

If anyone... If you do this, email will be your findings, but I'm not saying do it. It'll be a student. A bored student. Here's a question for you. We don't know how much poo it would take

before you taste it in a cake. We don't want to answer because we're grown-ups and it's disgusting, but thank you. Sorry, I want an answer. No, I don't want an answer. I want grown-ups and it's disgusting. But thank you. Sorry, I want an answer. No, I don't want an answer. I want an answer.

I've got a question for you. I want to see this on... No, I want to see this on... I want a documentary on this. On Netflix. University Challenge. Yeah, yeah. I've got a question for you.

Yeah. When you were younger, did you ever try to freeze your fart? No. Oh. Please explain. Well, I once watched a programme,

I think, with my brother and sister. Oh, did somebody tell? I can't remember. I distinctly remember there being a visual. Basically,

we either watched a programme or somebody told us if you freeze your pump, you pump into a plastic container. Fuck off, man. You put the lid on really quickly, put it in the freezer and it would be like, you could see container. Fuck off, man. You put the lid on really quickly, put it in the freezer,

and it would be like, you could see stuff, like gases and that. Like a little frozen cloud. Like a little frozen cloud. Shut the fuck up. But it didn't work. I was like, I tried it. It didn't work. It didn't work. Chris, we tried it more than once.

No fucking way. How? 97. 97 episodes in. How am I still hearing stuff like me and Kate and Kevin tried numerous occasions to freeze wet pumps? Why have you never done that? Why have I never done it?

Because I've never done it. Rosie, I didn't have brothers and sisters. You didn't. I once tried to freeze a fruit pastel that's as far as I got I used to keep

going back and checking on it too much because I thought it would be frozen yeah no with pumps

never froze but we did try it a lot of times to be honest your mum must have been over the moon

when she saw all those Tupperware in the sink why are all these Tupperware who's been using all this

Tupperware trying to freeze the pumps I mean the fact that you think that would putware in the sink. Why are all these Tupperware? Who's been using all this Tupperware? We try to freeze the pumps. Oh, fuck. I mean, the fact that you think that we'd put them in the sink is hilarious. They went straight back in the cupboard.

Straight back in. And if it was a cake put in them, could you taste the fart? Oh, well, there you go. There we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm on episode 85 of SMA.

You and Chris said that your nan's bureau had three dockets. and then they put in brackets not sure if that's spelt right what the hell please tell me what docket means i ask i ask this because when i first started to get to know my boyfriend's family, I noticed they would use docket, but not in a way I would. Here are some examples that threw me. The key is in the docket. Put it in the docket.

It's in the docket. Usually when we're in the car. It confused me at first, so I googled it trying to find the definition. And it's definition i already knew a ticket or legal agenda what okay yeah yeah yeah for background i'm british chinese from london his sister's boyfriends have also asked what docket means they're from manchester sheffield and liverpool so makes me think it's a south Shield slash Scottish thing. His grandparents are originally from South Shield and his dad's side is Scottish.

My boyfriend doesn't know the exact definition of it so we used to play Dock It or Not. Where I would point at something and ask, Dock It or Not? From my personal poll it appears to be a good feeling with no reason or rhyme wow his parents can't tell me the definition either and don't get me started on the urban dictionary definition please clear this up for me as it's been a long-standing beef between my boyfriend and me for years wow i actually woke him up and played the section when you both said dockets. Wow.

All the best, Gina. Wow. So what does she say it is? It's a ticket. So she says a docket, which is actually the, she Googled it and the real definition is a ticket or legal agenda. But to us, a docket is a draw. No, it to us a docket is a draw no it's not a draw or a little so the best way i describe a docket the best way i'll describe exactly what i would call a docket

if i if i had a dictionary that had pictures in a dock it would be it would be behind the reception desk in an old hotel where they used to put the key in them square holes. There's loads of square holes with all the numbers on and all the things. And you go out room 215 and they go out and they turn around and they take 215

out of the square docket where the key was kept. That's what we call it there. And I've just been looking around our kitchen now. We've got that plate holder that you slash laptop holder that you put your laptop in.

Each of those little bits with the plate in I would call them dockets. The dockets. I would say that plate holder holds 20-yard plates plate and i would call them dockets i would say that that plate holder holds you know 20 year plates because there's 20 year dockets yeah however i'm looking at one of our cupboards the cupboards about the front of that cupboard it's a big larger cupboard the front of it's about the size of a telly if you just took that cupboard door off

i wouldn't call that a docket i would say that's too big to be a docket i would say that that's just like a big shelf it is like a small little section of something that you put things in. Small enclosed shelf, I would say. There we go. Like a small square. So imagine if you put a shoebox, if you somehow took a lid.

Chris, I think people get it. No, no, no, no. Please, this is horrible. So if you somehow took a lid off a shoebox and sunk a shoebox into the wall and just had that square hole, I'd say that was still too big to be a docket. I'd say it'd have to be a bit smaller than a shoe box.

Smaller than a shoe box. Lovely. Well, we hope we've cleared that up for you. Yeah. That must be a really interesting gathering of all of them lot. Docket or not sounds like a fantastic game. Docket or not is a good game. I'd love to play that. British, Chinese, there's a mank there, Sheffield,

Liverpudlian, Scottish, Geordies. Good luck never seeing each other again with the Tia system. I know. Get your Zooms on the go. Merry Christmas. You'll never see each other again. You've got to mix across those area boundaries. You're kidding us. You'll get stopped at the borders.

Speaking of weird little words that people make up and stuff, your mum's favourite one, that does mine out and she did this on Christmas Day, the do-ins. Oh, the do-ins. If you get and she did this on Christmas Day, the do-ins. Oh, the do-ins. If you get that, if you get the do-ins on there, I'll get you past the do-ins and do that.

And yeah, Chris, where's that, I've got the do-ins for your do-ins. Fucking hell. Sandra, do you know do-ins? It's not a descriptive word in any way, shape or form.

When we were having the bathroom done, the bathroom fit, I took us upstairs a couple of times and he was trying to explain things and he went, you know the thing, yeah, I've got to finish this off. I've just got to bathroom done, the bathroom fitter took us upstairs a couple of times and he was trying to explain things and he went,

you know, the thing, yeah, I've got to finish this off. I've just got to get a, and he kept doing that. He did it four or five times and went,

well, the problem with that is, you know, it's because it hasn't got a, and I went, you know, whistling isn't a word,

any kind of description at all. He was like, well, I know what I mean. I was like, but you're fucking talking to me,

you pillock. I like, I like little made up words like that see with the doings that's I know you knew what you meant I'm shocked that doctor isn't right

I'm shocked that doctor isn't can you believe us lot up here have been saying it wrong all along I'm going to have to google it got it

babadoo babadoo babadoo do you have Rosie and Chris hello I worked in a restaurant for many years I met and saw some very interesting characters but one couple really sticks out in my memory and I'd love to know your thoughts about them Hello. and no one was sitting in the dining room for a proper meal. But then in walks a couple, a man and a woman, wearing normal clothing. But the woman was wearing a collar round her neck

and the man was holding a lead attached to it. No, what? He was walking her like a dog. When they were brought to the table in the corner of the empty dining room, me and a few of my co-workers stood and stayed with our jaws on the floor as we watched him and heard him tell her to sit, then unclipped the lead and told her to stay, then sat across from her.

I ran to the back of the restaurant to grab my phone and googled to see if there was some kind of kink convention going on, but nothing of that sort was in the city for several months this was just a couple going about their normal tuesday with the woman role playing as a dog i wasn't the person who served them but my friend who did said they were extremely polite and seemed totally normal and no in case you were wondering she didn't bark or growl now i don't want to kink shame anyone, but I've got to say, this has forever burned in my memory as one of the weirdest,

yet totally PG, public things I've ever seen. Doms have got it, you two. Do you know what I mean? I'm annoyed she didn't. If she used cutlery, I'm pissed off. Me too. Commit.

I hope she went full method on this and, you know, had a ball with her. Absolutely, yeah. Of course, she didn't bark or growl, which is well-trained. They're in a restaurant. Of course not. I wanted her to go face first. And can I just say as well, this lady who's written this has said,

I don't want to kink shame anyone. I do. Because if I'm owning a restaurant and you're coming in with someone on a dog lead, get out of me fucking restaurant you filthy pervert get out me restaurant have an hour off you can come in me

but fucking tie her up on a lamppost outside no dogs allowed that's the thing if you're gonna do it if you're gonna go to the extent of wearing the collar being you know fucking do it yeah if you're gonna go to the extent of wearing the collar

yeah being you know fucking get on that lamppost yeah 100% I totally agree I'd say the same I'd be like

sorry no dogs allowed they'd be like oh well actually I'd be like well get the fucking collar off you maniac god's sake

this is pizza I love the idea as well she's like I googled to see if there was any king convention going on but nothing of that sort was in the city for several months i'd love it if they went over went do you know what that's um that's may not march what it's the the convention the dog the dog pervert you know it's may not march you're fucking joking not again back on the train

so we'll let you behind the curtain here guys rosie just said there i think we might have not again back on the train babadoo babadoo babadoo so we'll let you behind the curtain here guys Rosie just said there I think we might have done enough that might be the end of this week's podcast recording and this might be the final one of 2020 however but it's New Year's Day so it's 2021 now well whatever but we're recording it in 2020 don't be a dick Rosie right now

what I'm saying is right do you want to end on a bang do you want to end with one of the worst things I've ever read? It's disgusting, this story. And you know what it is, right? A lot of people are in lockdown and tier fours and all kinds of stuff. You can't go out, you can't have one night stands as much. Just keep this in your mind, guys,

as why it might be a good thing that you're not going out having as many one night stands as usual. Yes, you might miss them, but look, they're not all. They're cracked up to be. Okay. Here you go. They're never cracked up to be anything good. This one this one's up there all right hi chris and rosie hi i know how much you and the listeners love a one night stand story so here's one maybe best

if i stay anonymous just in case anyone recognizes the story haha exclamation mark a friend of my ex was on a night out a few years ago and he pulled this girl and ended up back at hers. As they began getting it on, she asked if she could thread a tea towel up his arse without any explanation. What? What? Thread a tea towel.

What does she mean by thread? I imagine poke a tea towel up further and further and further So it's almost like there's a portion of a tea towel hanging out of his arse And it looks like he's got a little bit of a tail But it's a tea towel Okay Right So she just said that

Right, okay Did he? He thought this was a bit strange but agreed to do it Of course he did People are crazy She threaded some of the tea towel up his arse And told him to tell her when he was about to come. So then, as he was about to...

From that? No, no, while they're having sex. So it's just up there. He's basically having sex with the tea towel hanging out of his arse. Which must be creating a draft. What's wrong with everyone? I don't know. Why?

I couldn't concentrate. Well, there's a tea towel flapping about whichever way the where was the tea towel who's tea towel is it gets worse it gets worse are there so many questions gets right come on then we've got we've got tea towels on our website if anyone wants one but don't you dare use it for this oh so then as he was about to he told her and she proceeded to pull the tea towel out of his arse at the same time so that's what it was for like like i mean love whoever you are love if you are listening or if you know this person if you don't buy some anal beads stop ruining the tea towels not just who's told her that that's nice as a bloke yeah i'm I mean, I'm not a bloke, but is...

I can't imagine I'd be up for that. No. I mean, he's just like going for it and then she's just like, right, are you ready? Are you ready? For my next trick. Like a Boom City Racer.

See them Boom City Racers Robin got for Christmas. Guys, Robin got these cars for Christmas and you put a stick in them and you pull it out and they fly across the floor. He told her and she proceeded to pull the tea towel out of his arse at the same time. As she did this, my ex's mate shat all over the place.

If this wasn't embarrassing and weird enough for him, the lass then began to roll around in his shit, loving it. No, she didn't. Oh my word. I told you we'd be going out on a bang. Is that true? So he apparently saw her. She whipped the towel out. It goes...

And she just rolls around in it, thinking it's class. He called a mate to pick him up ASAP, claiming shit had got weird. He didn't call her the next day. And then it says, Thank you. Stay safe. See, so...

Rosie, I've got a horrible feeling that it's a communal tea towel and it gets used every time a lad goes around oh was it at her house yeah it was at her house yeah oh gosh that's even worse how seedy see i'm not being funny you know i can say if that was a bloke yeah that would be awful yeah to do that to a woman yeah yeah yeah well what should do that's so bad like oh and we're drunk in a one-night stand. Let us do this. I never do this. And then she, like, that's obviously what it's going to do.

And she's, oh, God. I would hit the roof if I was on a one-night stand and someone went, can I put this tea towel up your arse? I'd hit, I'd, absolutely not. The music would stop. The mood would, I'd go, I'd sober up immediately. Yeah. No, you can't put... Where was that?

We're in your bedroom. Where was that tea towel? Under our pillow. Yeah. Can I put this tea towel up your arse? Don't sniff it. Someone was here last night. Why have you put plastic sheets down, by the way?

Don't worry. Just bend over and have this tea towel up your arse. You just do as I say. You did it, though. More fooling, to be honest. God. Do you know what it is? I've got no sympathy

for these people. Awful. Awful. That's horrific. Bad, isn't it? Happy New Year! Happy Pooh Year! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

But as always, thank you so much for listening and we just want to quickly take a second from Chris and myself to say thank you so, so much

for sticking with us this year. We've loved keeping you entertained. We really have, guys. We really appreciate all your lovely positive texts, tweets, texts. Not texts. I haven't got my numbers. Emails, tweets. It's been a really strange year.

And thank you for coming on this roller coaster with us. You've been listening to Shag My Denoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. At the risk of echoing too much what Rosie said, just absolutely we'll get messages saying that we've helped you through and things like that, and that's not what we intended to do. We just thought, look, if people are going through a rough time, let's make the podcast a bit longer. We've been doing

longer ones all year. We're so glad. We hope that helped out, and we're so glad that we have. Hope you're all hanging in there. Happy New Year. You guys have helped us through. Big time. Big time helped us through. Big time. This really cheers us up. Hopefully I'm not going to steal half an hour on the PlayStation

while Rosie goes to visit her granddad in the cemetery. Absolutely not. Go on, man. You're coming with us. Come on. I'm not going. Bye, guys.

Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.