Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 98. Maternity Leave #1

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

This week on SMA you get to hear the stories and questions that didn't make it the first time round! Chris & Rosie saved some brilliant (and filthy) bits for all the smas and das to enjoy while they take some time off. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. And this is a very special episode. This is our first out-of-office reply.

Of 2021. Of 2021. Because remember we used to do out-of-office replies when we went on holiday? Remember holidays? I don't really remember what they are, Chris, to be honest. No? Oh, it's this thing that in olden days, Rosie, right? Yeah, yeah. Everyone used to go on a plane and then go over to somewhere nice.

Hang on. Are them the things that you enjoy yourself on? Yeah. Can you remember fun? No. And enjoyment and happiness? Not really. Well, I'll give you a book you've got to read.

It's really good. There's a book about it. It's called The History Book. It's called... Because that's where all the fucking joy is, guys. Normal life. Yeah. Guys, you join us at a makeshift little thing.

It probably sounds the same, but it's a makeshift little one in my office, isn't it, Rosie? And do you want to tell everyone what you're sitting on? Oh. What do you... I mean, no. I could have made it rude. No, no, yeah, that's not us.

That's not our patter. I'm sitting on one of them pregnancy bowls. Yeah, ready to pop, aren't you? Ready to go. We are. It is... It's at time of recording. It's eight o'clock at night on Tuesday, the whatever the hell this is, 5th of Jan.

5th of January. The date before your new baby's birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't even know. That is the shittest thing I've ever heard in my life. Don't commit it to memory until it's set in stone. Great.

Otherwise, you're just using a hard drive space. However, we are one day into the brand new lockdown. So that's fucking rank. And we are having we are one day into the brand new lockdown. So that's fucking rank. And we are having a baby two days into the brand new lockdown. So that's fucking rank as well. So yeah, this is basically a collection of some of the questions from the public that we've had over the past year or so that haven't actually made it. Now, the reason they don't make it in is sometimes because they're a bit too rude, isn't it?

Yeah, usually because they're a bit too rude, isn't it? Yeah. Usually because they're a bit too rude. There's one very rude one in this collection, I must say. Yeah, but there's a very happy one as well. But as well, we do record a lot of stuff. Yeah, far too much. We talk a lot, Chris. A lot.

I mean, this was supposed to be a quick intro and it's an actual joke how long this has gone on now. And if you listen carefully to these, we're having a drink. It's a plonk. It's a plonk cast, this one was. So these are over an eight-month-old sure yeah oh chris you drink for the first four weeks wow nobody knows she's committed that to a podcast excellent um so yeah some of them are filthy all of them are silly we've just listened we enjoyed them we hope you do too

hi chris and rosie hi i've just finished listening to this week's podcast and with how much you love we enjoyed them we hope you do too babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Chris and Rosie hi I've just finished listening to this week's podcast and with how much you love the office poll I reckon you'll enjoy this oh I haven't had an office poll for a while

I know well this isn't this isn't an office poll get in the guy I was casually seeing once told me his high score

oh shit i.a. the most amount of wanks he'd had in a day I thought you I thought you were going to say how many people he'd slept with. No, no.

Oh, no. Is that what you thought? High score. How many wanks he's had in a day. Highbrow. This is really highbrow. Come on. Let's take a moment to dissect this here.

Why is he counting? Why is he aiming for so high? And why is he telling a stranger? I don't know. Why is he telling a female who he's trying to have a relationship with? Casually saying, yeah. Does he think it's going to impress? Hey, just so you know, this is my high school, so if there's

a woman involved as well, I might double that bad boy. You never know. She said, this was an obscene amount. Like, really ridiculous. Right.

She said here, like, actually, how was that physically possible? Right. Because I was so horrified slash impressed at this, I then decided...

Slash impressed! See, he's obviously, he knows who he's talking to. He knows his crowd. You know what I mean? He knows his fair play. Maybe I would be slightly impressed.

I shall not put the number down. Well, I'm going to tell you at the end. Oh, shit, okay. No, sorry. Are you kidding me? No, Rosie. Call yourself an author. I was so upset.

I'm sorry. And everyone listening, I thought for a moment she wasn't going to, and I'm sorry. I know how many it is. I'm getting there. I'm building the suspense. I just want to see if it's bigger than mine.

Like your wank itself, I'm just warming it up. Well, you've never had a wank because there's no warm up. Just go straight in it before your mum comes upstairs where you're washing. Carry on. Sexy. I then decided that everyone at work needed to know. Wow.

And that I'd ask others for their high score. Oh my goodness. It was a great morning. It was a great morning. It was a great morning. And there was a massive variation in numbers. Wow. Far too many people got involved. It even went as far that for a week or so after,

people would come up to me and start a convo with, so I asked such and such. Wow. And his high score is blah, blah, blah. I love the podcast. Thanks, Alice. Wow. Yeah.

You know what it is right you forget because we don't work in an office well we do we're working office was just the two were but because we don't work in a workplace you forget these people spend when you're with someone when you work somewhere for a while you spend every week an hour with them oh yeah so walking up to someone you know in accounts and going hi mate yeah did you get that email yeah by the way what's the most you've want in a date you're not gonna get a how dare you you're normally gonna get a three like you're gonna get a number back i've worked in offices before where some a lot of stuff's happened i love it and gone on i absolutely love it right do you want to know how many right

so oh is this this guy's high school right so i need to know did you give any detail about what he was doing that day? Was he off or was he... No. What do you mean? Well, I'm guessing he must have been off. Yeah, okay. You couldn't have put a shift in somewhere.

Darren's took a lot of toilet breaks. I'm going to guess, because I have the required equipment, and I kind of know because after a while it's it's pointless do you mean after a while it's like it's like oh it's like the you know the little bits of cereal at the bottom of the bag it's just not worth it it's just not worth the aggro not the same quality as the first lot. You know what I mean? The batch does decrease. I'm going to guess at... I'm going to go high.

I'm going to go 10. Right. Okay. Yeah. I would say I think that's high. You are incorrect. Okay. It's higher.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Do you want to guess higher? She was disgusted and impressed. So 15? Higher. 20. Okay. Do you want to guess higher? She was disgusted and impressed. So 15? Higher. 20?

20. Fuck off, man. No way. 20 wangs. 20. Yeah. Do you know what the best bit is? I bet you by 17, he was like, no, this is terrible.

But he was like, three more and I'll round it off. I want to get the 20. Yeah. It's impressive. No, it's not. Do you not think it is? How is it impressive? Because it's a lot of,

it's a big amount. Do you know what he's doing? Well, it's not impressive. No, it's not. It's not impressive at all. It's really wrong. 20. Have you beat 20?

Email shagmoneynord at gmail.com. Wash your hands before you type. Your minger. no, the whale I've got to read them all I'm just going to get emails about people's high scores of masturbating and I don't

Those are things misspelled in lots of random spaces I'm doing it now Click, click, click I once did 95 and then I died Oh, 20 You horror show

Horror Horror Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah I've got a question for her I'm excited. It didn't sound, it sounded very sarcastic. Hi Chris and Rosie,

how do you feel about toast crumbs in the tub of butter? My boyfriend leaves his toast crumbs in the butter willy nilly. Great use of the phrase

willy nilly. Love willy nilly. And I need, I'm not clapping that. And I need a pick around it. And there's a second bit here. And do you think you should... Oh, okay then.

Right, you should send two questions. We'll answer that one first, right? Okay. How do you feel about toast crumbs in the tub of butter is the question. My opinion about this is I don't see it as a problem because it's just extra toast. see it as a problem because it's just extra toast like it's not like it's not like

it's not like it's my boyfriend butters his anus with the butter and leaves pubes in the butter somebody probably does well of course they do, email in and stop leaving the pubes in the butter no but if you my point is it's toast

so it's just crumbs from the toast so all it is is crumbs mixed with the butter so if you like my that's my point is it's toast so it's just crumbs from the toast so all it is is crumbs mixed with the butter so if you're gonna if you're doing toast maybe if you're doing just butter and some bread and you i don't want that crunch in it but if you're butter and toast again just take it it's not like it's why you disagree what because this comes from a person who clearly doesn't cook ever and only uses butter for toast. Me? Yeah. Yeah?

As a person who cooks and bakes, I use butter for other stuff. Right. So say if I'm making a lovely pasta with like a white wine sauce, chilli, prawns and all that, and I want to put a little knob of butter in, you don't want bits of crumbs of toast in there. Did you laugh at knob?

Well done. I wasn't expecting the word knob. It was like Nigella Law crumbs of toast in there. Did you laugh at knob? Well done. I wasn't expecting the word knob. It was like Nigella Lawson just randomly saying knob. It's good fun. I think wine's hit this. Right, so you don't want crumbs in the...

Right, okay. So if you've got a butter that's specifically for toast, then I can get on board with that. But do you know what? As a person who uses butter in other meals, don't be putting your crumbs in there

because you don't want that in your other dishes. Like on top of your shepherd's pie. If you're putting a bit of butter on to toast under the grill. Don't you put crumbs on top of a shepherd's pie? Don't you put crumbs? I'm sure you put crumbs on. Cottage pie. Right.

Fucking boom. Cottage pie. I'll be right. Don't talk to yourself. Because you're wrong. Shepherd's pie doesn't have crumbs on it cottage pie has breadcrumbs on it fisherman's pie

got crumbs on that has cheese on and crumbs I've seen crumbs there's some crummage there's some crummage on a fish pie why are you having a go there's crummage on a fish pie

there's definitely crummage you're not the kind of person to leave crumbs in butter anyway so I don't know why I don't but all I'm saying is but I think you've proved I think I'm on your side now is what I'm saying I think i'm on your side yes you're happy now i am you're

happy you've worn us down you've worn us down her second question is um do you think you should shower at night in the morning or both some people think it's minging going to bed without showering whereas some people think it's minging getting up and going about your day without a shower. Just wrote at the bottom these are really important questions and I would love to hear your thoughts, thanks. They are very good questions. I

don't know about the showering one because in a perfect world I would have loved I never normally shower before bed unless it's a little treat. Have you never like thought oh I'll have a shower. Well. Yeah, and then get into bed and you go, oh, I know I'm clean.

Dead with clean sheets as well. Or showered with clean sheets. Oh, hey. Yeah, but I have a bath nearly every night. Wow, that's just wasteful. I do. Not always big bath. Sometimes a little bath.

Sometimes a little inch of water. Just a little bath. And then I have a shower in the morning as well. Right. I have to have a shower in the morning. I don't know who these people are. I can't go about my day without a shower. No, me neither.

I'm really sorry. Yeah, I have to agree with this. It has to be night time, fair enough. Why do people think it's minging to go to bed without a shower? It's your bed. It depends what you've been doing, I suppose. If you haven't really done much, then fair enough. But if you've done loads and you're a bit manky,

but you would have a shower. All right, so let's just assume you've had a normal day. You haven't been to the gym. You haven't gone for a fucking run. Would you have a shower before bed? Not necessarily. I mean, you wouldn't have to. You having a shower before bed would be totally pointless

because once you touch that pillow, you're contaminated anyway. Yeah. Maybe the problem is because I haven't been having a shower before bed that's why my pillow is so scruffy in fact yeah

everyone out there the problem is your pillows are too clean that's why you feel like you need a shower before bed that's why can we just clarify though

showers before bed were very much a luxury before children as soon as you have kids you can't be showering willy-nilly at bedtime. Willy-nilly's been used twice at the minute.

Oh, see, it's in my mind. It's contagious, the willy-nilly virus. Willy-nilly. Yeah, you can't because you wake them up.

We haven't had showers before bed for a long time because it's just like, would you pack it in with a shower because you're going to wake the brain up? You know what I mean?

We've got a bath downstairs so our bath gets used. So let's agree, showers in the morning on a night doesn't really matter as long as you do it in the morning.

I'm so glad we got to the bottom of that. Dealt with. Question three, how do you feel about crumbs in your shower? I'm joking. Hi Rosie and Chris.

Hello. A short and simple question for you Why do you not have a pet? Well Why don't we have a pet? Yeah Lifestyle Dog probably wouldn't even fit in with our lifestyle

Cat even less so I don't want to pick up dog shit I don't want Cats climb all over your kitchen counters I love Don't get us wrong I go to people's houses I love cats

I love dogs so much You love animals If I go to someone's house And they've got a cat I Cats climb all over your kitchen counters. I love... Don't get us wrong. I go to people's houses. I love cats. I love dogs so much. You love animals, yeah. If I go to someone's house and they've got a cat, I'm literally all over it. If I go there and they've got a dog, I'm even worse. Like, I've been at house parties before

and I've literally left and took the dog to another room to do a photo shoot and being in the dog. You really have. That was a very cute dog, though. Gorgeous dog. I remember that.

But, yeah. I can guarantee that there would be no better addition to your house than a little dog. Part of us agrees, but, yeah, okay. Carry on. I can guarantee that there would be no better addition to your house than a little doge. Part of us agrees, but yeah, okay. Carry on. Please do be warned that they do enjoy eating quite strange things.

Right. My dog Monty the Cavapoo has a lovely habit of rummaging through my bedroom bin. Right. The fact that it's a bedroom bin is upsetting us already. I already feel bad for Monty. Is it weird that I feel like I already want to brush Monty's teeth? He loves a bin. it's a bedroom bin is upsetting us already. I already feel bad for Monty. Is it weird that I feel like I already want to brush Monty's teeth? He loves a bin.

Loves a bedroom bin. There's not that many bad things going in a bedroom bin. Right. What is it? Jesus. No makeup wipes. No. Wrappers.

Ready? It's worse than them. It must be. One Sunday morning, after me and my boyfriend had done the deed. Oh, for fuck's sake. My dog had come running into my bedroom. Oh. In he canny.

In he canny. Don't worry, we were back in our pyjamas by this point. Oh, good. He immediately... Come in with his paw over his eyes. Are you stressed? Decent. Are you decent in there, babe?

Fuck's sake. Knocking on the door with his little paws. Well, had a cavapoo, he could drop his ears over his eyes. I can't think what a cavapoo looks like. Is that the Queen's dogs? No, no, no. Jesus, no, that's a corgi. A cavapoo is a cross between a King Charles Cavalier and a poodle. So it's a floppy.

Oh, right, OK. Beautiful, beautiful. I do know what you mean. I do know what you mean. Right, OK. OK. He immediately came to say hello to us, but I could then see him sniffing the air.

He could smell his favourite thing. Right. Cummy tits. Fuck off. That's the worst. Oh, no. Stop sniffing the mic. What's been going on in here, then?

Oh, Jesus. Somebody been having then, eh? Oh, Jesus. Somebody been having ejaculation? Oh, Monty. I've said this before, Monty. I feel bad for you two, because it does smell like Yorkshire Pudding Mix. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Monty. Oh, hey. You ready?

No. Before I could get the chance to stop him, he had jumped off the bed and his head was buried in the bin. Oh, for fuck's sake, go put them in the toilet, you fucking perverts. How the hell's the matter with you? Why are they putting it in the bin? Minging. If you have ever had a dog, you will know that nothing is stronger than a dog's jaw,

which is holding something they know they shouldn't have. Fucking hell, man. Apparently. I leapt out of bed to try and stop him eating the tissue, but he then legged it to go back to his favourite place, my parents' bedroom. The last thing I wanted was my mum or dad to have to prise a tissue covered in my boyfriend's cum out of the dog's mouth.

Sorry. So without thinking, I jumped out of bed to chase him. Can I just say, this is that thing where in your head you imagine the worst. Like, they would have just gone, what's he got? Oh, it's a tissue. Oh, that's obviously saliva. It goes in the toilet.

Like, but I told you, didn't I? I've spoke about on the podcast previously about when me and my friends on a holiday lit a bit of tissue on fire on a balcony. We lit a bit of tissue on fire and we threw it over. And the whole thing was like, I got a fishing rod to get it off the balcony below. Because I was like, they'll see it and it's burnt. was like, I've got a fishing rod to get it off the balcony below because I was like,

they'll see it and it's burnt and they'll take the bin. So her, like, she was panicking there in her head because there's no way

you're going to go to your mum and dad's room and you're going to go and they're going to get it out of its mouth and go, oh, hold on, this is your boyfriend's jism,

right? Get out of here now. Like, they're obviously just going to go, that's saliva and throw it in the bin but carry on

but that's hilarious. I mean, a lot of saliva, come on now. Like, they're obviously just going to go, that's saliva, and throw it in the bin. But carry on. But that's hilarious. I mean, a lot of saliva. Come on, then. A lot of saliva. I mean, you've been in raw Yorkshire puns. Now, as many girls will know, something which me and my friends affectionately like to call the drip will often follow after sex.

Affectionately. And yes, boys, it is literally a huge drip, more like a glob of cum will fall out of your vagina if you get up too fast. This is true. This is very true. I've been known to sit on the toilet and just wait for it to pass.

There you are, hey. Just, honestly, I'm not going to bed until it's all out. Honestly, I don't know if there will be, but if there's any young men listening to this podcast who maybe haven't had sex yet, or maybe had sex a couple of times, it's honestly not as glamorous as you think it is.

It's awful. But this is another thing where I just get annoyed, because how come you just get the good end with everything? What do you mean? You just do it, and then leave your shit inside with. And then we have to deal with it. It's uncomfortable all night sleeping with that.

I've had to have a shower after. I ran into my parents' room where Monty was aggressively chewing the cummy tissue and grabbed him. Aggressively chewing. Oh, this is horrific. Are you ready? Grabbed him, sticking my hand straight down his throat, trying to ignore the drip.

My parents were both sat in bed as it was Sunday morning, looking completely perplexed. I eventually got the tissue and walked out of the room. As I was walking back to my own room, I felt the dreaded drip slowly slide down my lower leg. A dribble of cum slid into my ankle, making... Much to Monty's delight, he couldn't believe his look. Instead... Oh, this is horrible.

Instead of jumping up for the cummy tissue, he sniffed the wet residue on my ankle and licked the cum off my foot. And this is why I don't have a dog. I'm sorry. No. That's terrible. Look at that man. Monty went straight to the well.

Who am I? Monty. Hey, next week Monty will be to the well. Poor Monty. Monty. Next week, Monty will be sucking your boyfriend off. Straight to the sauce. Honestly. That is horrible. Poor Monty.

I'm going to find your email. I'm going to search them words. I'm going to find your email. I'm going to get your dog taken off you. You're calling the RSPC. Stop feeding your dog cum. going to get your dog taken off you. You're calling the RSPC. Stop feeding your dog cum. You should have your dog taken off you. You're a disgrace. You're invited to an immersive listening party

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Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre and Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hi Chris and Rosie. Hello. As a university halls flat, halfway through our two weeks isolation, for obvious reasons at the moment,

we thought it was appropriate to get in touch. Oh, bless yous. Hope you're hanging in there, guys. I know, poor bookers. They're ranging in ages, 18 to 22. So naturally, we are finding new and exciting ways to entertain ourselves in the evenings. Cool.

Even before we went into isolation being kicked out of the pub at 10 gives room for lots of exciting nighttime activities which lends the side question is it ever acceptable to throw a flatmate's mattress out of the window and hide it in a tree it wasn't raining and for the rest of us who were simply spectators this was great entertainment wow yeah it wasn't raining sat the way they threw it wasn't raining in right at the beginning there feels like that was the thing that was shouted during the most of like while someone was trying to get out of the tree the person was going who did it was going it wasn't raining though

funny man but it's wet but it wasn't raining the main purpose for this email however is to ask your opinion on so called flat cest flat cest it would appear everyone in life

has a differing opinion on this matter and as your podcast has kept us entertained for the last week we were wondering where you stood on the matter

I don't know what that means flat cest I mean I imagine it's they all shagging each, I imagine it's... They all shagging each other. I imagine it's a play, weirdly a play on incest,

although incest doesn't really have the word family in it, or flat. Basically, I think fucking people who you're living with in your car, I think that's what they're saying. Where do you stand on that? Uni? I never stayed in halls at uni. No, me neither.

I stayed at my mum and dad's house, so I was not up for having sex with either of them at my mum and dad's house. So I was not up for having sex with either of them at my mum and dad's house. Not that they asked. I don't know. I imagine it would get awkward, but I'm not sure. But if there's 14 of you and you're all locked down and you're at uni and you're having the year

that they're having, I would say fill your boots. Go for it. Go for it, guys. I had a boyfriend who was at uni and you're having the year that they're having i would say fill your boots go for it go for it guys i i had a boyfriend who was at uni because i never went to uni but he went to uni and i used to go and stay with him and uh he lived in like one of the big flat share things halls or whatever they're called and i remember turning up and um i just remember them thinking you're not one of us yeah and i was thinking yeah i'm not i had a full-time job i was yeah i was really jealous of the people who lived in halls i went to sullivan duny and i used to literally drive back home every day and i was really jealous of the people you should have

done it i did i got um i paid me 200 pound deposit and then i ended up backing out for some reason and lost the 200 pound deposit oh gosh that's. Oh, because I had a lot of money back then. Fucking loads of money back then, yeah. But I was selling jeans out the back of my car. You were dodgy as out. I was selling jeans from Thailand. Why did you,

we've never spoke about your little selling stuff from the back of your car, Dears. You're so dodgy. I made a lot of money in them jeans. I used to have

a Visu, G-Star, Seven for All Mankind, True Religion, Diesel, fucking loads of jeans were they real? no

no but half the half the college half the college and half the uni had jeans from me really? yeah

and why what got you into that? mate lives in Thailand started sending them over what? yeah yeah yeah some of the sizes were fucked

some of you'd ask for 32 waist you'd get like a 42 and they'd just I was just wasted went down as wasted Rosie did people try them on in the back of the car uh people used to take the toilets in the college try them on sometimes come back with them on and give us the money and sometimes come back and go not right or sometimes come back oh yeah it's great give us the money and take it away how much other for a pair i used to sell 40 quid a pair no you 40 quid a

pair yeah yeah mate a visu jeans were like fucking 350 quid a pair and you didn't get them off me for 40 quid. That's so funny. Actually, I used to do a Vesu for more. I think a Vesu was about 80 quid. So random. Diesel were 40. I used to get them for about four pound a pair,

five pound a pair. You keep saying about me, about how I've got all these random stories. You've got loads of random stories like that. That is so weird. I knew you at college and I never saw you selling your wares out your car. Oh, you're kicking off

because I didn't sell you any jeans. I'm a bit good. I didn't do women's jeans. I didn't do women's jeans. No. I was only just dreaming about being tall enough

for Miss 60 jeans back then. We never did Miss 60 jeans. They never fit me. No, we never did. Me and the lads never did Miss 60 jeans. Never got to have me thong

hanging out of a Miss 60 pair of jeans because I was just too short. Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. hanging out of my 60 pair of jeans. Yeah. Because I was just too short. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Whilst people close to me know this story, it's not the sort of thing I shout about.

I've listened to your podcast from the start and a few weeks ago, something stuck with me when you spoke about the woman who met her best friend from a bad one-night stand. Yeah, we did. Years ago, I was dating a guy.

He turned out to be an absolute heartbreaker and left me stuck with a holiday in my name. Yeah. Whilst holding down a part-time job that I needed to pay for, aged 18, fixing my first ever heartbreak from my first love or so I thought.

Mrs. Geller, why are you crying? I did what any 18-year-old girl would do and went on holiday with my best friend instead of losing the holiday altogether. Obvs. Happy days. Listen to this. Geared up to go the night before,

my ex, Brackett, who was also my neighbour, good God, came over to tell me how sorry he was for cheating on me the month prior and how he wanted to come on holiday with me in the morning. Now, in the morning? Yes, it's the night before the holiday. Oh, do one.

He's coming to tell her that he wants to go. Don't say he does. Don't say she goes. No, but if you think he's a dick, we'll hear this next bit. Obviously, the answer was no, getting sister. I should probably add at this point that he didn't just cheat on me. He asked me to try on a dress for his birthday night out that he ended up giving to a girl that he worked with

as an early birthday gift to her. He needed to see how it looked on me before he gave it to her. Ew. How creepy is that? Oh, that's calculated. Isn't that really, really weird? That's not nice. How are they only 18?

Okay, well, the story gets sadder, so, you know, strabbing. Oh, it gets sadder? Strabbing. Anyway, I forgot all about him and jetted off for my first ever girls' holiday to Tenerife. We landed, got to the hotel and settled nicely in our newfound freedom of drinking, staying out and spending the days laying around the pool. Nice. Then one day, around the pool, I saw this guy.

He was handsome, toned and totally fit. That was it. The evening was decided. He was clearly away with his brother or a friend and being the two of them, it meant that they'd perfectly match my friend and I. After a bottle of vodka in the room that evening, I set out on my mission to find him.

A bottle of vodka? Jesus Christ. Wow. It might have been one of them little hip flasks. You know, the little like Stravadov or something. That's a prank in itself, isn't it? Honestly, a bottle of vodka. I walked them down every bar on the strip until an hour later we gave up

and I fell into an old bar overlooking the sea. So they went looking for them? She went looking for them, pissed. That's tragic. She couldn't find them, but it's probably the bottle of vodka that helped that. She probably shouldn't have done that. But I mean, that's very... What's the word?

I can't think of the word. So she's seen him around the pool and she's been like... Seen him around the pool. He's mine. Didn't talk to him during the day. No. Waited till the night and went to go and find him. I mean, he could have been on the plane that afternoon,

for fuck's sake. That could have been his boyfriend with him. Yeah, exactly. Like, who are these people? Presumptuous. Presumptuous. Presumptuous. Presumptuous, that's the word, Chris. In my strop and moment of defeat,

I sat down at the table, looked across the bar, and there he was. Oh, right, well. In your face. Oh, sorry. Believe, Rosie, believe. Fair enough.

He was sat there with his brother, so she must have spoken. Oh, it is his brother. And he was only two tables away. My friend went to the bar to order another round, and his brother. So it's from a suspect room. Oh, it is his brother. And he was only two tables away. My friend went to the bar to order another round and his brother went to the toilet, leaving us both sat empty-handed at the tables. Awkwardly, I smiled. Knowing no way did I even stand a chance.

He slightly lifted his pint glass and gave me a smile that still makes my stomach flip when I think about it. Wow. He had actually noticed me. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. We partied, drank, and then the moment came. He was coming back to mine. I needed to find some inner confidence.

I'd only ever... Hang on. So they've done this together, not her and her friend? That went from an awkward smile to we're going back to mine. Yeah, so they've obviously ended up chatting. They're having drinks. They've had their night. You know what holidays are like.

Just skirting over that a lot. Remember holidays? No, I don't. When you are younger, holidays, you know, they've obviously had their night, they've partied, they've drank, then the moment came. It was coming back to mind. I needed to find something in that confidence.

I'd only ever been with one guy and I certainly had other intentions for this evening. Meaning she wants to make it number two. We spent the evening having the best sex I've ever had. The balcony, the sofa, the floor. It just went on and on. Goodness me. I finally saw what I'd been missing.

That's not best sex to me. Some people. No, I've said this before. The best sex of my life. We did it in nine different places for four hours. That sounds like hell on earth. Oh no. My friend had passed out in the bedroom,

so we respected that and stayed in the other rooms. Oh, that's nice. His brother had gone back to their room. So the brother's not there. So the plan of the two of them, presumptuously around the pool, you have one, I'll have the other. I feel like she's just went at this all guns blazing.

I woke up the next day and he'd gone. Oh, no. Dread instantly flushed over me. What had I done? I was one of those girls that he could now tick the one night stand box. Oh, babes. What the hell is it going to be like if I saw him? After all, we were staying in the same hotel.

Well, the rest of the holiday was actually pretty similar to that night. We went out a few times and had a few nights out before he simply said one day, you know this won't go anywhere, don't you? It's just a holiday thing. I felt so stupid. I was actually falling for him. I was loving my life and going back home meant that I would never see him again. The time soon came, it happens man. The time soon came when it was time to leave. We said our goodbyes, exchanged numbers, and said we'd stay in touch if we could. I held out no hope.

I was pretty adamant that he had a girlfriend at home. Oh, God. Bellend. My flight was hours before his, so off we went. As I stood in the line waiting to board the plane and leave my holiday romance behind, I felt a tap on the shoulder. There he was come to

say goodbye right he gave me a kiss that i will never forget and promised to see me again right the whole flight home i contemplated how i could see him we lived at other ends of the country he said he would and i knew i had to trust that turns out that we did see each other again, but it didn't quite go how we first thought. Right. Eight years later, we are married, and I moved across the country. Oh! Oh!

Oh, no way! I moved across the country to be with him. Here's the story that I didn't get my ticket in the one-night-stand box. So, Rosie, here's your happily ever after. I'm crying. I just thought we're gonna have a bit of positivity for the end there i was buzzing when i read that absolutely buzzing when i read that

we've just had so many stories that end in awful stuff i just thought in the time that we're you know that we're all locked down still i just thought it'd be nice to have a lovely happy ending so much i thought he was going to be have a lovely happy ending. Thank you so much I thought he was going to be just a bit of a bell end and she's going to be like and I never saw him again and I thought it was from an 18 year old still writing that in

that it just happened like last year. 8 years later they're married and she moved across the country to be with him. Yay! How buzzing is that? Aww. Come on! Not many holiday romances last are they i've never really had one no no i've never had one i don't think i have no i haven't no nice though amazing that's it guys that is the unheard questions for this week that out of office reply hope you're all all right i think we needed that um bit of. I'm so glad that we got to stick that one in somewhere

at some point because that story, I genuinely was crying my eyes out. I was a bit pissed though. Well, I... You listened carefully. I listened to it again just now and I cried as well. I cried again when I heard it.

So there we go. Needed that little bit of positivity. I hope you're all doing good. Hope you're all well and we will be back with another one of these next week gotta say about being part of the acas creator network oh yeah we're part of the acas creator network as well apparently we're very happy about this even when my phone ended in with fucking off cuts from the cutting room floor still on the old acas creator network thanks guys bye bye p.s while you're listening to this, we've had a baby.

Oh, shit, yeah. If this comes out on a Friday, we'll have a baby now. Hopefully. Yeah. If they let us take them home. Yeah, maybe. I don't have COVID. I think you've got to leave them there.

You go and visit them. They've got to come out with a baby. I mean, that wouldn't be too bad. Imagine. It would be awful. Sorry, but you can only come and see them for three hours a day. I'd be like oh no but okay

will you take what toddler will you take what five year old as well for Robin's day thanks for thank you so much

we're gonna miss you bye oh cool okay bye guys bye babadoo babadoo babadoo bah you're invited

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