Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep3. Episode three, take two.

Episode Date: March 1, 2019

As well as answering your questions on this week’s episode of Sh**ged Married Annoyed, Chris explains the rules he’s made since meeting Rosie’s family, Rosie outs Chris for his weird Tennis Snoring (and has evidence!), the pair discuss farting in front of your partner and of course there is a celebrity question – this week from the brilliant comedian – Kathryn Ryan. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. No, no, and Chris Ramsey.

Hello, it is episode three. And I think we can all agree that since last week's fantastically successful sponsorship campaign, you've all been using water. So you're welcome. And we've moved on, right? And this week, stop it. And this week, we've got a new sponsor. This week's sponsor is Clothes. Wow.

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Eh? Are you done? Is that it? Well, put the shirt on your back. That's the catchphrase. Right. Good. Enough.

Clothes. You're actually going to put sponsors off, so thank you. Okay. But no, if everyone, they'll go out and they'll see people wearing clothes and they'll go wow that worked oh shut up here's the jingle

we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap.

Jingle! Well, hello. Thank you so much for coming back. This is episode three, but this is actually episode three, take two. It's set at 3.1, isn't it? Yeah. We did record episode three yesterday, but we'd had an argument just before we started recording and there's just an underlying hatred yeah it's a really tense recording to be fair we're listening to her back and it was like oh wow was people would be like is this the podcast

of those two people who hate each other so we thought we would like tell you all genuinely what it is because i mean because the jingle starts with, we had a fight about the jingle. Which we did. Yeah, but we had a fight about the episode. We couldn't settle on the episode. Because people keep saying that we're couple goals and stuff and that we've got this...

We don't. It's not. We argue a lot and we're bicker. We don't have flaring arguments, like screaming, shouting, but we're just bicker. And we had we're bicker you know i don't we don't have flaring arguments like screaming shouting but we're just bicker and we had a little bicker and it was just it was hard to we had the bicker while we were sat at the recording thing it was it's hard to you know it's hard to get rid of that yeah so i will basically wanted to tell you all because we don't want anyone to feel like they need to measure up their relationship to what they think i was i mean some of the emails

we got is like questions about general, like agony and questions, like we can fix people. You guys are amazing. How do you keep this bad? We can't. Yeah, this is, we are acting. This is. It's not that bad.

I'm telling you, we're like Penn and Teller. We leave this little recording studio that we've got on the table and she walks to one end of the house and I walk the other end and I'll see her next week for episode four. I wish, I wish that happened. So anyway, that's out the way and everything's walk the other end and i'll see you next week for episode four i wish i wish that happened so anyway that's out the way and everything's fine today i love you i love you too um but we had a nice bit of therapy afterwards didn't we what do you mean because we had the we've recorded it and we sat and listened to it and we're like look i'm sorry and then we'll

listen we're like look it doesn't sound great and then we just thought look we'll do it tomorrow we'll not bother about the the today. We'll get it. Fresh eyes, fresh ears tomorrow. And we went outside and we played in the garden with Robin and I got a new toy out that you'd bought him. So we opened the shed and there was a new toy that Rosie had bought him and I'd never seen it. It was like this B&M Bargains inflatable rocket.

It's basically like one tube of a lilo with some fins on it and you blow it up and you just throw it like a like a javelin yeah and we uh robin must have known something was up uh he asked me to throw it at you then he asked you to throw it at me and we must have done that for 20 minutes like like genuinely lacing at each other and it didn't hurt but it felt so cathartic and so and i was just like it was hitting youartic and so and i was just like throwing it was hitting you and then i was like i was literally i mean i feel like i feel like you've enjoyed this more than me no no but no rosie i don't want to sound weird but i enjoyed

being hit with it more than i enjoyed it i just stood there with my arms out like that like jesus and you were just throwing it it was just smashing into my chest and you went this is really therapeutic and i went i know robin was just laughing his head off. He's like, they're great crack. He's like, no mate, we're actually fleshing through our differences here. Honestly. What else has been going on with you?

Johnny crash update. Oh yeah, what's happening there? So I went to the garage today to make sure. Like obviously we do speak to each other. It's just because he's only been to the garage this morning and we haven't spoke about it.

I said that as if I'm like, don't know you at all. What's going on it's not like we wander around the house going Rosie I've got it save it for the podcast Chris but Rosie the shed's on

save it for the podcast save it so Johnny Crash update I am honestly I thank my lucky stars that I genuinely crashed into the nicest man on the planet

it's craziness I went down to the garage today and I said look he's dropping his car into date I'm dropping mine in tomorrow can I come and square up for both cars tomorrow

yeah so he doesn't have to be out of pocket at any point the guy said no problem I phoned Johnny on the way back I said mate

drop it in within the hour they'll have it here by the end of the day he said I'm pulling in now mate he said hey Chris thanks very much I said you do not need it back

when is the wedding honestly Rosie that's what I want to know. If that episode, if that argument yesterday had been a little bit more heated, I would be, I'd have left you and I'd be now in the arms of Johnny. Chris, Chris Crash.

Chris Crash. Chris Crash will make you. I pronounce you Chris and Johnny Crash. Oh, I'm so glad. Love you, Johnny. Love you, Johnny. I don't even know oh I'm so glad love you Johnny love you Johnny I don't even know what I'm talking about no that's it

that's a relationship if I love him you love him now and you know we will we're looking for one more person for the foursome

stop I'm not talking about that foursome anymore it's gone how have you been what have you been up to do you know what not much

at all really but today I've got some bedside tables coming. How long have these bedside tables took? I mean, yeah, crazy amounts. Months. I ordered them in December. That's how long they took. I genuinely forgot about them.

I got a text this morning, not even a couple of days ago, text this morning, they're coming today after 11 and i was like good but inconvenient so i've got to stay in now but at the same time you've took your time yeah i didn't realize until you said it that i haven't got a bedside you haven't got a bedside table i check my phone i get a drink and i have to lean out of bed and on the floor to get everything there's just a pile of stuff i've got got the IKEA stool. Yeah. Looks horrific. With a lamp on it. Looks terrible, yeah.

Just a random stool. I hope they're assembled. I'll be livid if they're not assembled. Imagine if we have to put them together. Sorry, who? You. Yeah, thank you. We.

She is. Me, you. Can I just say as well, before we get started on this podcast, look guys, it's lovely that you're enjoying it. It's lovely that you're enjoying it. It's great that you're enjoying the podcast, but I can't help but think that this argument yesterday, Rosie, was coming from the pressure of the podcast. What do you think? When we started this, people listening, thanks for subscribing, thanks for listening, thanks for enjoying it. But come on, come on, we've all had a laugh.

This is enough now. I can't deal with the pressure. We have been, and I'm not bragging here, it's the opposite. We've been top of the iTunes charts almost since we released this thing this is just a man and wife talking crap in their kitchen right you know what i did before i sat down on my chair i flicked some cheerios from the chair onto the floor that was sun had left on the chair that's that's what this is right get come The pressure, it's not fair. This is the, if I have to record every single episode twice,

it's going to feel like a real job and I didn't sign up for this shit. This is my year off. I've had messages, people going, oh, can you do them

every day? I'm like, Jesus, struggle with just one a week. Do a week this year. Imagine how many times I have to crash the car to get a bit of material to talk about.

You've been lucky though because not just, I mean, you've got an interesting life anyway but you married into my family and that's just hours of material. Oh, yeah.

Absolute, yeah. I mean, I love them. Yeah, they're very, very funny. But yeah, I call your family the Wombles. My rules,

so I've got new rules in life since meeting Rosie's family and there's three of them. One of them is never tell anyone you're going to Costco because they'll put their order in. I do ccp don't i the what the costco costco costco care package yeah oh my god i do one for a couple of right explain what you do so we go to

costco and we'll buy stuff in bulk so we don't have to go shop a loads because we'll never really get the time and on the way back from costco what do you do we stop off at numerous family members houses usually my mom and my nana's yeah um sometimes someone a couple of other people have had them but usually most of just my mom and my nana yeah yeah and you you i just kind of decant a few stuff because you get a massive big thing so i give my nana a couple of toilet rolls and a couple and like a kitchen roll because they're quite big and then you get them big massive boxes of cherry tomatoes which we won't eat because it's you so i put a few in a little bag yeah a couple of aubergines some tender stem broccoli the garlic you get

loads of garlic i give them a couple of garlic bulbs each well can i just say yeah fine the perishable stuff the food absolutely fine you buy a box but i'm specifically buying massive things a kitchen roll because i go through it and i want it right and I want it stockpiled and the toilet roll what you are given half of our toilet roll away before we've got home like one one might as much go to Tesco and buy a normal packet and to the bloke in Costco thinks I've got something wrong with this the look he gives me when I leave with toilet roll every time and I'm literally my wife gives it away to me it's the Costco care package

honestly he thinks I'm building a fort so my three rules are you don't tell any of Rosie's family you're going to Costco I know do not let them know you've got a printer

oh that's yeah don't let anyone know don't let anyone I'm genuinely I think that when you buy a printer from Currys or wherever right

I think they've got a little button that they press like a panic button underneath and they press it and it scans your face and it sends a little email let everyone you know

he's got a printer how many boarding passes you want printed out hey don't pay a pound to get your train ticket to somebody's house Muggins down the road

who you're married into he's got a brand new printer. Got a CV you want to hand it in? Honestly. Ramseys. Unbelievable. And the third one is don't,

erm, what? Don't let them know you've got a skip. Oh, yeah. Or a loft. They do. Storage.

Well, that's four. Yeah. No, no, no, no. All I'm saying is, yeah, well, it's because, don't, the stuff we've got in the loft

upstairs now, your mum puts the stuff in the loft, which is fine. Sandra, I, no. All I'm saying is, yeah, well, it's because... The stuff we've got in the loft upstairs now, your mum puts the stuff in the loft, which is fine. Sandra, I love you. I'm glad you put stuff in our loft. Not a problem. We'll help out whenever we can. Stop telling your friends... Stop telling your friends and acquaintances

that we've got a big loft. Because do you know what? It's getting smaller every time you tell someone. I've heard her. I've heard her tell me. You're sticking in Rosie and Chris's lot. The shite we've got up there. Because do you know what? It's getting smaller every time you tell someone. I've heard her. I've heard her tell me. You're sticking in Rosie and Chris's lot. I've got the shites we've got up there.

It's shiting all, isn't it? It's like, we've got people's garden chairs and that, but they've been there for like three years. It's unbelievable. So they don't need them. Yeah. Well, I'll never forget the time when I was emptying the skip when your dads came round.

Derek, again, I love you, mate, right? But I'm emptying the skip. Well, I'm emptying, sorry, I'm emptying the garage and the kitchen when we first got this house into the skip. Every other thing I pick up, Derek's standing there with a beer and he's going,

what was it? It was porcelain. Are they porcelain tiles? Off that fireplace. I'll tell you what, Christian, put a little pile of them in there. I could get a couple of quid for them, Burtley Market.

I went, no worries. I don't know what the market was, but no worries. So I pile them up. And then suddenly, the pile next to the skip of the crap that your dad's acquiring, it's almost matching what's in the skip, right?

But the house is empty and so I'm over the moon. So the kitchen's empty and the garage is empty and it's, you know, really therapeutic, getting the whole thing clean. And you're giving.

I'm giving away and that's absolutely fine. So we had a lovely pile of stuff by the end. The garage was clear. Skip was half full. The rest of it was on the drive for Derek I said come on then Derek

I'm going to have a beer with you but first let's get all this stuff and put it in your car he went I haven't got the car today mate can you put it back in your garage I said Derek god damn you

god damn you it was literally one step forward two steps back no it went in the I'll tell you right now it went in the I'll tell you right now it went in the next

skip we got unbelievable like a toddler like I want that and then he looks away from it and he doesn't want it anymore bless him but you know

we'll love yous all so I feel like that was kind of your beef really no no you can't be no you can't be double dippins

my beef can't be your family. That's not nice. Chris, we've got a lot of these podcasts to do. You're going to run out one time. You know what? Fair enough. My beef was at your family or Womble's.

The Womble's. Well done. Okay, my beef this week is... Hang on. I've got a sound effect for mine. God damn it. You're putting production values onto the beef

I'm getting stuff in so my beef with Chris Ramsey this week is tennis snoring if you haven't heard of tennis snoring then you are

extremely lucky because it is disgusting it's not like normal snoring like that weirdly I can deal with sorry also come and just tell it's not it's's not like normal snoring, like, that weirdly I can deal with. Sorry,

also come and just tell, it's not, it's also not like, 40 love. No, no, no, no,

there's no, no, there's no talking. In fact, there's actually not much noise at all, which makes it even worse. It's like, sleeping next to,

a grandfather clock. Okay, I've got a sound effect. I've got a sound effect. so is this, have to explain what it is because people don't... I've got a sound effect. Sorry, so is this... Have you recorded me doing this? This is you... Good heavens.

...tennis snoring... This is an invasion of privacy. ...last night at 4.57am. Good lord. Do you want to hear it? I can't. I'm genuinely... I'm sweating.

I can't believe this. I hope this works. Hang on. So, the breathing in is the tennis noise of the ball and the breathing out is the... Here we go. Felly, mae'r gwahodd yn y sŵn tenis y bôl ac mae'r gwahodd allan yn y h. Dyma ni. Mae gennych chi beth i'w ddweud eich hun? that's horrible isn't it now you've had me recreate that sound for people on nights out when we'll be and we've had people around and it's like like that with me throat yeah and i've

always thought it sounds a little bit like someone playing tennis that is frightening it's crazy isn't it there's part of me that thinks you've doctored if I didn't know no offence if I didn't know that you couldn't actually do that

on a laptop wow do you know what I mean offensive I love you to bits but I know you don't have the skills to do that on a laptop

that is you I would think that you doctored that that is genuinely me and that sounds like people playing tennis in the wind. It does.

But it's not that loud. It's the ball. Yeah, but it's like a ticking clock. So you kind of get away from it. So it's just constantly like... I'm so sorry. I honestly want to smother you. I'm so sorry.

I'm so glad. I've never done that before. I'm so glad that you now know what it sounds like. I mean, it's really creepy and stop doing that. It's horrible. I had to get right next to you so glad that you now know what it sounds like it's horrible I had to get right next to you but it's now you didn't used to do

the breathing out you've added that that's more recent so it's like I like to change my material it's like the and then so it's like a double whammy

that I'm honestly taken back by that I think to end that beef just stop really just stop I'll try

please for the love of God it's really good have a cough or why don't we I think to end that beef, just stop, really. Just stop it, please. I'll try, yeah. Please, for the love of God. That's really good. Have a cough. Or why don't we get a tennis court and just get two people to play tennis outside all night and that'll cover up the sound of me doing that.

You've just described hell to me, though. So, as always, you lovely people have been getting in touch on Instagram, on Twitter and on the email address shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and asking us questions just throwing things at us and I'll be honest with you this first one's really struck a chord with me Rosie

it's not often, you know, I feel like I relate to one of our listeners so much and I feel like someone's just opened me soul and read from the middle of it and I think a lot of people listening will understand this and will be on board with this and I think you guys are genius, I'll be honest with you so this is from

Devied I've searched the name Devied, it doesn't seem to be a real name I don't know if he's just wrote it wrong D-E-V-E-D or Dev-Ed Dev-Ed and he makes personally, it's come anonymous there's no email address, there's just that name Dev Ed. Dev Ed. Dev Ed. Dev Ed, yeah. And he makes,

personally, it's come anonymous. There's no email address. There's just that name. I think he makes a very good point. So, Mrs. Ramsey will do anything for attention and fame.

She will kill, capital letters, kill Mr. Ramsey's career. Why you do this? She make Mr. Ramsey look like utter dick. I not fan anymore. Best best wishes he's wrote at the end which is contradictory to the full message he's probably right exactly he's absolutely right

he spotted it a mile off hasn't he i just what i love is um she make mr ramsey look like utter dickhead mate i've been doing that myself for years sunshine do you think i need help with i was doing that shit at school before i met her yeah i'll tell you right now right exclusive first day of school this is genuinely true i've tried to do it in stand-up but it's just too weird first day of school i was in the class i heard years later of all the fit girls in my class that apparently the first day of school they all fancied me right okay i thought oh he's new we don't know him. Fancy him. How did I blow it? Instantaneously and categorically, incredibly.

This is how I did it. Do you know what I said? We're sitting in the full group. All the girls were looking at us. I said, very loudly, can't wait to get some chewing gum and stick it under the desk. It was silence. Two years later, I was told that that's why I hadn't had a girlfriend yet. So listen, David, you think I need the help of my wife to make myself look like utter dickhead?

You are wrong, son. And I'll be honest with you, I can't work out. I can't wait to get some chewing gum. I literally went, I can't wait to get some chewing gum and stick it on the desk. You know, like the big boys do. Like in their films. Oh, absolutely. Crikey Moses.

Can I just say as well, right? I don't know if David is, I don't know if English isn't his first language or if he's, because there's some words missing, right? From the sentences. So I don't know if English isn't his first language or if he's from Yorkshire. Because if you read it and it goes,

Mrs. Ramsey will do anything for attention and fame. She will kill, kill Mr. Ramsey's career. Why you do this? She make Mr. Ramsey look like utter dickhead. I'm not fan anymore.

Best wishes. He is your biggest fan. I think you'll find he's your biggest fan chris i know i love him so much well done isn't that great i'm really glad that your mom's learned how to email there's part of me that thinks i might have sent this drunk so embarrassed i spelled david wrong You can't even troll properly. You're pathetic. Oh, wow. Thanks for letting us know that, though.

That's great. It's not a problem. I've got to drag you back down to earth when I can. Wow. Okay, so back to real life. Thank you, David. Rosie and Chris, what has been your most boring job?

ooh most boring job do you want to go first or shall I? er whatever you go first David would be angry if I went first

god forbid yeah to be fair I think we should keep David happy he's obviously an avid listener Chris you carry on carry on

I'll just nod I'll not even talk I'll just nod if I can you make me a cuppa while I'm doing it yeah great yeah absolutely how many sugars? do you want sugar? no I don't need sugar nod. I'll not even talk. I'll just nod. If I can, you make me a cuppa while I do it. Yeah, great, yeah. Absolutely.

How many sugar? Do you want sugar? No, I don't need sugar. David says I'm sweet enough. Oh, of course you did. Of course you did. Right. I mean, I've had some boring jobs. I've had, my first ever job was all sports. I worked in all sports. 2.75

an hour, big up. Four hour shifts. Slava lava. I've talked about it in Standard, but it was 2.75 an hour big up 4 hour shifts slava lava I've talked about it in standard but it was 2.75 an hour 4 hour shifts once a week man wouldn't let us quit

because it was teaching us a lesson to be fair it was teaching us a lesson it was teaching us never to get a job in a sports shop ever again

that was pretty boring standing around making sure Chalvas didn't nick pool cues then I had, what else? Inland Revenue might be up there as my most boring job. Yeah, I worked there too.

Yeah, Inland Revenue, date of entry, really boring. That was me, that was me as well. Yeah, well, you worked during the day, didn't you? Well, I had the morning shift, so the only reason I went to it was because they did good sausage sandwiches. Brilliant. The woman came on with a trolley.

Honestly, that's all I kept as day, because I was like, this is hideous. But the sausage sandwiches were delicious. Wow. I know. Wow. I'm so motivated by food. It's really tragic.

I love that. It's a problem, actually. You know what it is? I could quit that job and just go there every day for a sausage sandwich. But how would I have money for the sausage sandwiches? I gots to pay for my food. It's got to, got to, got to, got to work for me. I love that.

I love the idea of you going, look, can I just, can I cut my hours down to one hour a day and can you pay me in sausage sandwiches? Make sure it's when Moira's coming around with the sausage sandwiches, okay? Because otherwise... You're invited to an immersive listening party

led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday.

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all for you. No, don't.

The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april

13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at Toronto rock.com. It's pointless. What's yours? What was your most boring job? I think my most boring job was, um,

when I worked at, can I say the shop? Uh, yeah. A clothes shop. Right. Smarthy Smirkins. Smarthy Smirkins.

Smarthy Smirkins. Oh, fantastic. Um, so boring. Really? Basically just Like working in a wardrobe Yeah

Just picking up Clothes Was it Was it a small branch Was it It was a bit Working in a wardrobe Just well

All you were doing Was just Making sure our clothes Were on rails Tidily And then Because I was just A little bit chirpy

And had a bit of a personality I had to stand at the front door Saying hello to everyone. Wow. Oh, God. You had to wrangle people in from King Street and Shields. Yeah. I was like, hiya, morning.

And then it was the... Bless, everyone who worked there was absolutely lush, by the way. It was the staff that kept us there for so long. You know what? We're probably going to have to say the real name of the shop because I don't know if anyone's going to crack the code. Oh. It's fine. It wasn't Shmurthyarthish mergens it was dorothy perkins guys

i'm sorry for i'm sorry for the deceit god's sake you know i just remembered as well i actually got a job i got you can remember usc the clothes shop oh the posh one the posh clothes shop yeah well it was a very that's all like lambretta and it was younger yeah jeans yeah um i got a job there for christmas staff right and i went in i gave me i gave me cv in. I got a job there for Christmas staff, right? And I went in, I gave me CV in. I got a phone call interview. I got a thing through saying, you've got the job. This is your start date, right? The 31st of October start date, right?

I thought, that's amazing. Christmas staff, 31st of October. That's an early start. I went all the way up to Newcastle. I quit all sports. I went all the way up to Newcastle. I was a month early. What do you mean? Was it November? It was 31st October, that's an early start. I went all the way up to Newcastle. I quit all sports. I went all the way up to Newcastle. I was a month early. What do you mean?

Was it November? It was 31st of November. Oh, Chris. I didn't know. I wasn't very aware with the date being the number rather than just saying the word. So I was like, the 10th, that'll be November. Oh, goodness.

And I turned up. Wow. I was like, I'm here for my induction. The bloke was like, what? How old were you? I was like 17. I got the bus induction. The bloke was like, what? How old were you? I was like 17. I got the bus up. Did you actually work at USC?

No, because it was a month. So then I came back. And weirdly, my mum was like, well, you haven't got a job now for a month. What are you going to do? Oh, yeah, ma'am. Then four hours a week I do for $2.75 an hour at Allsports. I'm really keeping as a float. How am I going to pay for all my chewing gum to put it on my desk?

I'll never get a last now, man. I'll be honest with you, I need a new desk. It's full. Yeah. I went and worked at the Stage of My Light instead. Oh, right. So that's how that happened. Okay.

It was like a panic job. It was like, I need money quick. That's £2.75 an hour. Oh, my gosh. You got another question? Rosie and Chris, what are your thoughts on couples who don't pass wind

in front of each other? Ah, the age old. Yes. Yes. Crazy. Crazy times, in my opinion.

I can, I can relate. I can relate because I used to be that guy. Yeah. I used to be the person. He's an ex-holder in her.

I'm an ex-holder in her. Yeah. I used to hold it in. I used to expect I'd hold it in. I used to be the person. He's an ex-holder in a. I'm an ex-holder in a, yeah. I used to hold it in. I used to expect, I hold it in. I was, I mean, some of the drives home. Wow. From girlfriends' houses back in the day. Yeah.

I mean, I just filled my car with my own gas. So you could. I would get in the car. I'd be like, well, I'd get in the car after holding pumps in for like three hours while sitting watching a film with them or whatever. Yeah. I'd drive home and just all the way home like I probably to be fair I probably wouldn't have had

to turn the engine on I could have just put myself home but obviously the engine was on and I was driving but I'll tell you when I got out of my car at my destination

it must have been like to anyone looking it must have been like stars in their eyes tonight Matthew I'm going to fart just steam following us out the car um yeah i used to hold it and it was it was really why why i don't know because you just think oh you know like we're oh we're like we're kissing we're cuddling we have sex and look at us sexual perfect beings we're

young and we're great and you just think you know breaking wind in front of each other would sort of ruin that would be i think i used to have a routine about not not going to the toilet in front of each other and stuff and it's um i don't know i think it's a thing that you grow out of i mean what people don't know and what you genuinely had like a full-on we need to sit down and talk chris about it because you've been about three months well you had a weekend at mine in manchester didn't you when i lived in manchester and you held your pumps in and you were ill i was so ill guys she genuinely sat us down i went we need to talk and i was like oh my god she's breaking up with us and she was like we need to pump in front of each other yeah because

it's that and i i remember thinking i remember saying to you i have had a really bad stomach whenever we're knocking around together and And you said, that's why, it's because you're holding your fart in. Yeah, it's awful. And that was it. And you know what, it was really liberating. And I'm not talking,

you know, we don't, blimmin', break window under the covers and force each other's head under there. No, I hate, I hate stuff like that. I don't like all that stuff.

But, you know, it's a part of you. You just gotta do it. You've gotta do it. Or genuinely, it's better out than in it's never been better said and you're going to spend

the rest of your life with this person you know well I mean David's trying he's best to break up but I'll try and stay strong for you and yeah

you're going to spend the rest of your life together you've got to be able to I totally but there's couples who don't I don't think your mum does and your mum and dad have been together

for 40 years now she must be crippling with inside thoughts she walks a bit funny doesn't she must be crippling with inside farts. She walks a bit funny, doesn't she, your mum? Crippled.

Yeah, your dad does. It's alright for your dad, but your mum doesn't. But I don't know whether it's an antiquated stereotype. Is that a personal choice? I need to find out. Your mum just might not want a pump in front of her.

I don't know. I don't know. I just had to. Fair play. Look, if you can get away with it and if you're living in this perfect world where you don't pump

and it doesn't make you feel ill, then happy days. Great. I'd rather not, if I'm honest. I'd like you to you're living in this perfect world where you don't pump a drudge of that, and it doesn't make you feel ill, then happy days. Great. I'd rather not, if I'm honest. I'd like you to send us an email and tell us what your diet is, because I wouldn't mind copying you for a bit. Well, if we've had a curry or something,

and the next day it affects me, I've got undiagnosed IBS. No, no, no. Can I correct that right now? The next day? It doesn't affect you the next day. Well, an hour after. Less than an hour, we'll finish the curry, we'll sit down,

and I can smell... I know, the curry again. The curry from, well, it's not, you know, it doesn't smell exactly like the curry. That was nice. But it's straight away, it goes through you. It's crazy. It does, I've told you I've got a very switched on bowel.

I've got, right, on, sorry to stay muggy, guys, but on the subject of that, i've got a very switched on bowel i've got right on sorry to stay muggy guys but on the subject of that i've got an email here of someone right oh no it's not about more no well no it's just it's just interesting to me right it says so i was at work last night i work in a pub and the lovely girl i work with let's call her hermione right okay nice name uh stated that she only does number two once a week twice occasionally well me and a handful of my

customers just couldn't believe it I love that it was a pub wide discussion they've discussed it with everyone Hermione only shits once a week imagine that I hope your pub doesn't serve food Christ alive at the pub Hermione only shits once a week imagine that what kind

I hope your pub doesn't serve food Christ alive imagine that she only shits once a week so you're having the burger yeah like

oh I mean bless her though that's I've got a friend who does that I'm not going to name her once a week but I've got a friend

who's like that I'll see her and she'll be like I am so constipated I haven't had a poo for five days and my jaw honestly

hits the floor and I'm like how are you how are you even going on I mean I'll be honest with you if you go to this pub I mean if you can pick out Hermione from the crowd

don't pick her to be your waitress I think she'll be a bit sluggish who's that waitress walking like a sloth she'll have this really weird look on her face like chips are free

oh Hermione go to the doctor's bless you yeah more water Who's that waitress walking like a sloth? She'll have this really weird look on her face like... Chips are freezing. Oh, Hermione. Go to the doctor's, love. Bless you. Yeah, more water. Drink a load of water, love. It's all I can say. Senna cot. Senna cot.

Senna cot. This is from Lauren. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're both doing well. I'm wanting to ask, who is the worst when packing for a trip away or a holiday? Who throws the most tantrums of not knowing what to wear and takes too many unnecessary items

of clothing or shoes? Every time we go away, my partner is so much worse and takes like eight pairs of socks and ten pairs of boxers for a couple of days. What do you reckon?

I'd say you. Yeah. You. Well, you, yeah. I should be better at it because I tour and I pack a lot all the time. I might as well put my wardrobe on wheels and wheel the thing with us.

I've been away. I remember when I toured with Al Murray, he sold me a bag once. We were going to Dublin and Belfast, two nights away, and I had a massive suitcase that I checked in. Everyone else used hand luggage and I checked it in. Well, mainly I checked it in because I had loads of hair products that were over 100 mil because I had long hair at the time. And that's why Al Murray has genuinely called me and has me saved in his phone as product no way calls us calls us products that's my nickname yeah product um and I remember going what you do and I'm like I like a choice like so do I I get jealous of these people who

can take one pair of shoes or trainers or boots or whatever and a pair of jeans and then a separate t-shirt and the same jumper for a couple of days i'm really envious of them as well i like my weight fluctuates day to day as well so one day i'll take a catsuit and a moo moo that's that's that's what it is i'll take the tight dress and i'll take the caftan because god knows how i'm gonna look on that day thursday i can fit lovely in a dress. Come Saturday night, don't come anywhere near us. Is that why you sometimes get changed

halfway through the only Chinese we go for? Yeah. It's just yo-yo. So that's why I take loads of stuff. I like a choice. And you know what it is? I'm really, I've got a really weird,

like sort of OCD thing about colours. You? Yeah. A weird OCD thing about colours. You? A weird OCD thing? Don't. That has shocked me. Shut up. To the core. About colours. Oh yeah, you are skittle about colours. Yeah, I feel like blue and black

can't go together and I don't know why. Certain blues can. You've just lifted up your arm and you've got blue and black on your little cuff there. I couldn't give a shit mate. Royal blue and black go together. Navy and black, in my opinion, don't go together. And I know everyone's going to argue with us on this, but I've got a real weird thing.

I'm literally looking down now. I've got like a khaki green pair of Nike shoes on. Yeah? A khaki green pair of Nike shoes on. Now, I once packed them. I wore them. And as I was leaving the house, taxi was outside,

I grabbed me coat, me puffer coat. What colour is me puffer coat? I mean... You know the coat. What colour is it? Green. Yeah, same colour as the shoes.

I can't change the shoes. Oh, God. What must you think when you look at me, though? I just think, you know... In my clothes, because nothing I wear matches... What? Wow.

That... I'm sorry, that was Devitt talking that was grim I mean no that's brilliant you're not getting that that's staying in shagged words

you're horrific I'm joking I haven't right so we'll re-record this tomorrow yeah yeah sorry guys so we've had a lot of questions about sex after what did you just say let's talk about sex baby let's talk about sex in me let's talk about all the good sex all the bad sex that may be let's talk about sex and me. Let's talk about all the good sex, all the bad sex that may be. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about sex with a little bit of sex. I just made that up on the spot.

I know. That was good, wasn't it? Yeah. God, I am talented. Oh my goodness me. Wow. I'll be honest with you, the little dance was great.

It's a shame this isn't a video podcast. The little dance was great. I'll not be able to do that again though. I'll have to listen back to that. It's like seeing a comet, that, innit? It happens once, like an eclipse. Put the next one in me diary. Jesus, I'll not be able to do that again.

It's a special move in a computer game when you used all the potion. Use that. Use the talent potion all in one go. That's me for the day. It's a really hack thing that some comedians say you'll still see

if you go to the comedy clubs you'll still see some comedians they'll do a line a particularly half decent line in what is you know what is

just a sort of run of the mill joke but they'll do a particularly good line it'll get the big laugh and they'll go so when I wrote that yeah when I wrote that line

I took the rest of the day off get off brilliant so getting back to the sex question lots of questions asking how is sex

after children what is everyone's opinion some people don't have it at all some people do what's the what do we think about this I think people just want a bit

of advice yeah i mean it's one of these things where i try not to do a horrible crass joke about it i'm going to try my best um i feel like again not to sound like an old man but i feel like you shouldn't pressure or rush anything it goes a bit shit for a while doesn't it rubbish for a while like it really does i remember wait let's be really honest she would be really honest cards on the table oh god we kind of had a conversation when robin was like 10 months and we had we'd had sex but not like loads and and you get that you get so worried and you're like oh that people just having sex why aren't we having sex and we're like i still i love you so much and i find you attractive i've just can't be arsed and bloody blah yeah yeah and plus what your body went through trauma as well well yeah i had quite a horrific like cesarean and i put on

five stone so i just i felt minging personally that was me i was really just felt rank but i think when robin turned two this is honest honest to god this is it didn't it just get better all of a sudden weirdly yeah and it was like the sort of pressure was lifted yeah so it's again if anyone's sort of going through this and and you know you might feel weird that this is just genuine advice and there's no daft jokes here but if everyone's going through it you've just got to kind of um remember that you love each other cuddle a lot cuddling is really helpful still physical no still like physical contact still i'm trying to be nice here.

I know. Cuddling, kissing, physical contact. You know, it'll... It comes back. Look, you've done it. You've made the kid. You've had sex. You know what it's like.

It'll come back. Don't rush it. Yeah. Oh, that was well done. Get offers. I'm proud of what I said there. Took the rest of the day off when I wrote that. Oh!

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. I'm proud of what I said there took the rest of the day off when I wrote that thank you very much to our wonderful listeners for all of those questions yeah a bunch of legends and we have got a question from a genuine legend I would say I mean they've all

to be fair they've all been legends so far Jason Manford she's my favourite so far yeah we've got yeah you've got a full on girl crush love her you know I think she's got a full-on girl crush. Love her.

You know what? I think she's got a girl crush on you. She's just very funny and she's very real. Yeah, she is. If you haven't guessed who it is, she has this week's celebrity question. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This is Catherine Ryan.

Congratulations on being great, being married, having a podcast. I myself have chosen to die alone as I cannot imagine living with a fully grown man. I don't want to marry one. I don't want him in my house at any point in my life. My question is, do you ever wish that you lived in separate houses connected by a tunnel? Because I feel like that's something maybe i could manage do you ever wish you lived in separate houses connected by a tunnel or perhaps a road away at the very most love ya she's made a really valid point there yeah i'm like that's wonderful to hear. Kind of summed up the mood of the podcast, I'll be honest with you.

Episode 3.5. Sometimes, yes. Yeah. You work away a lot, so that does happen, really. It's just hotel and house. Yeah. But I bet there's a lot of people out there who'll be going, oh, yeah.

Do you know, instead of that new bathroom, do you want to get a tunnel? Do you know, instead of that new bathroom, do you want to get a tunnel? Do you know what I mean? Just to the shed. Yeah. Don't Ant and Dec have this? What? I remember this. Don't Ant...

We've discussed... The tunnel between the house. I think they live next door to each other, apparently. I don't know. I thought, I heard, now I believe crap like this all the time, I heard that Ant and Dec live next door to each other and they had a little door in between the house no no you could just walk out onto the front but i don't know maybe paparazzi or something

you don't want to walk down yeah you know i mean you don't want to cool but i don't know nip in and borrow like a dishwasher tablet but have to walk down the front then i say deck in not planning these dishwasher scandal you know what i like let's do anything to take these lads down that might be like a little tunnel i mean a little serving hatch oh i'd love that a little serving hatch is there any way we can find this out anybody anybody know them we've met them but we don't really know them that that well to to ask that question i mean the followers on twitter but i do i do not want to dm someone send them a dm please hi guys haven't spoken for a couple of years do you have a little door

connecting your houses like a like a cuckoo clock where one of you comes out love katherine right yeah yeah i mean i've already asked her for a question for this podcast i don't think i can then get her another favor if i heard a DM then, that. Thank you so much, Catherine, by the way. Thank you, Catherine. Yeah, amazing question. Some days, yeah. Yesterday, while doing the podcast, yeah, that would have been good,

after a little argument. You've got to have a little cool-off period. Got to be done. I think a lot of people would want that. Toddle through your tunnel. But you don't need a Catherine. You know, you're an amazing person. You don't need to die alone.

Listen, I can sort you out. She didn't say she wanted to die alone. She said she'd chosen to die alone. She said she wanted to be with a man. Listen, you just haven't met the right man. I've got this man called Devon. He's banging. Don't do it.

Don't do it, Catherine. I believe terrible rubbish stuff about celebrities all the time. Did I tell you what I said to Vic Reeves when I did? Vic Reeves. Vic Reeves of Regimorna from heaven. So I it i did a sitcom called heaven for those who don't know rosie i don't think i've told you this i believe daft little rumors about celebrities so much i genuinely heard a thing about vic reeves for some reason i believed it right it wasn't until i was sitting asking him to his face right about this that i realized how stupid it was that i believed

it in just his reaction so the rumour I'd heard that I asked to his face I sat down with him and I went Jim, his name's Jim I thought he was called Vic so I was made to them by then and I went, be mean as you say heard this rumour about you, is it true?

and he sort of sat up straight a bit and I was like, don't worry, it's not weird and as I started saying it, I was like, no, weird so i'd heard i'd heard that he has a tent in a room in his house set up all year round just a tent like a one-man tent right okay and he puts receipts in the tent so anytime he goes out and buys like a business lunch or a hotel or a train ticket or whatever to keep for if it's tax deductible that's an expense

right he just I heard that he just threw it in the tent the receipt right and for the year just filled this tent

with receipts he keeps his receipts in his tent in a tent and then once a year I heard his accountant came round right

don't say shut up mate I was half way through the sentence and he was looking at us in the eye and this was the point when I realised

I heard that his accountant came round once a year climbed in the tent and worked out what his expenses were and I fucking asked him who he's paying

so right so is it is that true I don't know is that true well and he just went what

and I went and it was the look he chopped his look chopped us down halfway through the sentence me arse fell out of the conversation so he went

and he went tense and I went yeah and he went why and I went I don't know

and he went who told you this and I said I can't remember and I couldn't remember and I was panicking and I was sweating and he went I don't know and he went who told you this and I said I can't remember and I couldn't remember and I was panicking and I was sweating and he went

no no it's not true at all he's lying he's lying it's true that's true that you don't you don't

you don't act like that when something's not true he was honestly he was so confused and mortified do you reckon it's true do you reckon he's got a little account

I reckon it's true I mean what what month is it? When's his account due? I don't know. I mean, how many receipts have you got if you're filling a tent? Christ, well, you're going to Costco every day. But it could be true.

Maybe his accountant climbs in the tent, right? Does all the receipts, comes out, goes, there you go, Vic, there's your tax bill. Walks over to the side of the wall, walks through a little door into Bob Mortimer's house hey thanks very much for listening guys this has been episode 3

brackets episode 3.5 please subscribe please tell your friends please keep downloading I was joking at the beginning would genuinely love how much you're enjoying it. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Bye.

Thank you once again for listening to Shag Married Annoyed. Make sure you subscribe and we'll be back next Friday with another one. Rosie, back through your tunnel. What? Back. Come on. Get through the tunnel. What is it? Is Devitt coming around, is he? I'd rather not seeing him. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch