Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Family Fart Police, Summer Holiday Whinge and Rosie's Packing Crash Out

Episode Date: August 14, 2026

This week's episode is dedicated to every parent during these summer holidays - let the whinge out! Chris and Rosie chat about their journey down to London with the kids, best (and possibly worst) post-night-out snacks, and about Chris's quest to find somewhere to fart in peace! There's Beefs, a holiday-themed lucrative sponsor, with icks and QFTPs to boot! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Inoid. The summer holidays have got us done in. Done in. Lots of mourning about kids this week. If you enjoy also slagging off your children and hearing us slag off children, then you're going to love this week's episode. This is the place for you. We'll whinge about holidays.

We'll whinge about going to London. We'll whinge about all kinds. Winge, winge, winch. And we've got beefs, obviously. Yes. Clothes-related beefs. Ooh. And we've got voice notes.

And we've also got emails from you, lovely lot. Enjoy. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if.

Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello, you are listening and watching Shadmary Denoid with me, Rosie and my husband, Chris. Hello, hi guys. Welcome back. Also known as the Ramses. Yes.

Hope everyone's all right out there. Hope you're having a lovely little summer. How far? how far are we in? How long have we got left? I think as this goes out we've got about, I think about

about three weeks left two and a half weeks, three weeks depending. Did I tell you I was in the car the other day and I just, I don't know why I was driving along with Robin and I just thought

for a laugh I'll say this and I just went he back to school on Monday you fucking should have heard him. Devastated. He was sitting back in the seat and he went, what?

Like it was really funny. He was like the mom on home alone when she realized she was, get on! Do you know what it is? Somebody in my group chat the other day. A teacher, might I add.

Because all my friends are teachers. So they're having a... The only problem is my friends are having a lovely time, but they've all got little children. So actually they're... In a way, though, I can't... Yeah. Every time they're off, their kids are off.

They don't ever get a holiday without their children. That's fair. So, you know, but also 13 weeks... 30 weeks a year. Bit unnecessary. Whatever. She just messaged out of nowhere. like the summer holders are so expensive.

Yeah. Like, oh, madness. Wild. Wild. Absolutely crazy. Just constant money spent. Everything. Yeah.

Just everything. Just obviously the one stuff and they're just there and even just feeding them for the summer holidays. But then you know you've got trampoline parks, you've got trips wherever. They always want something and there's a gift shop and there's this and there's that. Even just like going to a park or something. Yeah. There's ice creams.

There's lollies. You know, parking. Can we talk about parking? Oh, crazy. Just crazy. You got to pay for everywhere. I can't remember the last time I parked somewhere, took the kids somewhere in the park and was free.

It doesn't exist anymore. You've got the supermarket for the day of kids. It's the only place where the park is free. You've got to be done in three hours, though. You're fucking dead. I know. It's just wild. I know we say this every single year,

but they're just too long. There's no need to have six weeks off. It's a lot like. I mean, and we're really lucky because we can actually have a lot of the holidays off, which actually I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Because we're self-employed. Because we're self-employed, we've decided to take quite a lot of the summer off.

but I'm also, I'm desperate for a day away from them, kids. Do you know what I mean? Am I a bit jealous of people going to work? Maybe I am. Yeah, so as a phone one we made to be like, oh, I'm just at work, and I'm like, oh, yeah, because I've got to make this phone call brief because someone's shouting out of us to play on the fucking switch with them.

It's all good, but anyway, hope you're surviving. Yes, hope you're enjoying it. We always whinge about it, but, you know, there it is. And what was I going to say? Yeah, oh, just before that, your mom said the other day that there were too long, because she said when you were a kid, you went back after the summer

and you'd forgot how to do some math stuff which I wasn't surprised by I'll be honest with me I mean that might just be right I don't think that's every job but no they do like oh God I haven't done it I need to do some reading with race

you've put up in he's learnt how to read and write and now I've just well he's probably he probably has forgot there well well we'll check in we'll check him with that next episode that's exciting

great next day what a cliffhanger has their five year old forgot how to read and write tune in next week fucking hell Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and it's topical because it's summer, right?

And it is the unbelievable levels of silent hate you receive when you appear, basically, out of nowhere on a plane to take up a seat that everyone else thought was going to be free. Oh, okay. Have you ever done it? I can't say I have. No, I've never experienced it. So, right.

So when we'll come back from holiday the other week, well, the other month, actually. you were with your mom. Your mom was on the holiday with her. And me and Sandra were basically sitting on two seats and there was a spare seat next to it. And you and Rayfe and Robin were on the other bit. So we would have essentially had the full road if that seat remained free.

Right, okay. And your mom was going, it's free this seat. There's still people getting on, which is like, it's free this. And I'm going, this is not how you. This is not how you approach this. Right?

I watched Spider-Man, not the new Spider-Man, but I watched the Spider-Man no way home, I think, the other day. And MJ says, always expect disappointment and you'll never be disappointed. That's true. Very much my manner. Very much my manner.

So your mom's going, it'll be free of this, we'll get the whole row. I went Sandra, I went, shut your fucking mouth right now. She's a jinx out of it. Direct quote, right? Yeah, sorry, I was just going to, I'll tell you later. No, go on. My mom loves to know the end of a film. Unbelievable.

She's mental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us what happens before I watch it. Tell us what happens before, and I'll go, well, do you not want to know? She's like, I don't really care. She will watch. She will know exactly what happens in the film and we'll watch it. Fuck a mental.

Jason Cook used to do a similar, annoying thing they made and I tell you when he used to see he used to watch a film he would, but he would skip through it. What?

Yeah, yeah. So he would watch it, it's all right. And I'll go, I remember saying something like, how do you have time to watch all these films? He goes, oh, I'll just sort of skip through them.

You'd watch him on his laptop and he would skip through like bit, bit, bit, like miss outload of ten minute chunks and that and then go and then have the audacity go there 's not that good. Of course it's not that fucking good.

You weren't even enthralled? You didn't even watch it? not crazy that's insane so we're sitting on this row right so my thing is right if you if you ever because i've done it before i've got on the plane before and i've got onto obviously traveling on me for gigs and stuff and i've got into a seat and i've sat nice to people and you feel they're like you go i remember thinking what the fuck just happened like why do these is there being an argument or something you can feel the vibe and then you go ah they thought they were getting the full row and they fucking hate me and it's not my fault

No. So me and your man sat there because I just went back on me notes and I realised I hadn't talked about. We sat there and just going it'll be free, you'll get the bit and I went, sound right, I went, no, I went, this is how you play this.

You imagine the worst person you can possibly imagine. Yeah. You imagine the most unkempt, unhygienic body order. So upset. Yeah, you just imagine the worst person and then you can never be disappointed

with what happened. And I had to apologise in the end because the seat was free, we did get the full row. Did you? Yeah, I moved across to you, remember and Rob moved across with her we had the full row, Spacey. Oh yeah we did actually

alright, fair enough, yeah. But the levels you get, I think I was doing Red and Red and Why do I always get stuck with the kids? They want, Rave wants to sit next to you and they love you they want to sit next year. We want to spend time with you. Weird in it. It's very upsetting. I'm so upset me. I constantly get stuck with them kids

I know, but they love you. All the time. Love that man. That's nice I suppose if it will take that. I will take that. So this is the Jingo Jingo do. We hope you like the Jingto, Jingo, jingo.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, ba. Jingo! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shad Marodinoid. Hello. Very quiet today. So we've done that thing again. This was my beef a few weeks ago, guys.

But you did it again today. She's marched us round, telling us what wall's just going to knock down, what fucking different wallpaper. Shall we get a fucking room built in the garden the putst of it and when there's no again it's the same reason i can't i can't listen and i know this is my fault this is my downfall although you have exhausted yourself as well you are not red we've talked i could do it all day long okay you're talking shit then um i know it's my fault here but i can't listen

to like you know phoneings on radios where they're discussing a topic and there's no answer and then they go well i think this okay we've got another caller and he thinks that well you're both very angry about it okay good chat right this is what we're talking about next and i go Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Is there no, is there no conclusion? Oh, no, we're just going to argue the colour of shite for 20 minutes and then argue something else. We're not arguing, by the way.

No, we're arguing. We're not arguing. We're not getting a divorce. But when there's no answer, when there's no, right, okay, we'll do that, I'll get it booked. That never happens. We talk around all of it. I'm sure loads of people do this. Everybody does this.

And then we never do anything. We never do anything and nothing ever changes, but I have, like, I'm massive anxiety about it. In my defence, this is the first time. Whenever we do it. do the podcast on podcast days, it's the first time we actually get to have a conversation. To be fair, that's right. Because it's the summer holidays, obviously.

Robin goes to bed later now. So once upon a time, we used to have one nights, but now Robin's up to like half nine and then I'm not far behind him. And we don't get a chance to talk. And yes, the kids don't let we talk. It's crazy. Is everybody else like this or what?

Because our children do not let us have a fucking conversation. They know. It's like they know they come over and they're like, they're just, it's, again, it'd be lovely to know if this is the same for everyone, email in. It's like they're like, oh, fuck you two. Well, what do you think you're doing? Yeah, fuck you two in your fucking marriage that you need to work on.

If you hear and you, if you're hearing you make a noise, then surely you can be doing something with us. Yeah, it's mad, in it. So do you know how many times sometimes they'll be sitting watching the telly? Sometimes they'll be sitting watching the telly and I'm just sitting down. I'm not doing anything. I'm having like a bit time to myself. I'll just be sitting chilling.

I think, like, okay. And then I think, I'll get something done then. you know, I'll do so. And as soon as I stand up, or the hear is in the room, sometimes if the hear is leave in a room, yeah. Dad, straight away.

And I'm like, you fucking didn't need anything. I know. But you've remembered I'm here, and you've thought, oh, the wait as they. I've told you. I've got some bread sticks. He's just fucking there.

Yeah. Let's get some garlic bread. We are too available. Yeah. I've told you this for years. Yeah. But then, you know, you go online and you're not allowed to parent

like the olden days anymore. You've got to be attentive. You've got to be attentive. exactly what's going on. You want your children to be able to talk to you. I actually fucking don't. I want them to leave us the fuck alone. But also trust us and talk to.

I've told you before, man. Whenever I've had to raise my voice to them kids, if I go like, you know, take myself away and sit in a different room and the minute I go on Instagram, it's like, Instagram knows. And it's like, here's a, uh, there'll not be young for long, sentimental dad post for you. Just because you've bollocked them. I know.

It's fresh off the back of bollicking them. It's like, they'll remember you. But I'm like, cheers. Thanks. Thanks, thanks, algorithm. Appreciate that. It's always that thing of like, you know when you've got a child who loves you, when they climb all over you, when they want to talk to all the time,

and say, yeah, that's great, but also exhaustion. The thing is, though, you know, the kids are, you know, they are what they are. They're amazing. They're funny. They're very much us. That's the problem. But, you know, something, again, something I wrote down as it happened, and I forgot to say it last time on the podcast.

You know, when we went to London the other week and we're on the train? Can you remember what Rafa was doing on the train at every fucking station? Can you remember? Oh. So he's, didn't he think, well, his headphones on.

Yeah. So we leave the train station and he's sitting and he's got his headphones on. He's watching his little iPad for the journey, right? He's watching, what was he watching Mupp with Babies or something?

He's obsessed with Mubber Babies. He just watches them up and babies. And he's got the headphones on, so he has to shout, we'll fucking leave Newcastle and we'll pull into Dalek station and loud as anything because he's got the headphones on.

He goes, why we're back here? And we went, what? And he's like, and he's like, why we're back? Because obviously he's five,

like, They all look the same. They all look the same. They do. They've all took the same aesthetic. So he went, no, this is a next train. You went, all right.

We're pulling to York. Why we're back here? Fucking every fucking station. Oh God. Peter Brown. Why we're here? God. Everyone in the garage is,

how fucking stupid is your kid? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was funny. Oh, God. Fixed mint. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

So I've got a phrase beef. Oh. Do you know when people say things? With beefing already? With other people, not with me. Not with us. I love it when you have a bit with us. This is a phrase beef.

I've got a five minutes off. And I might be completely in the wrong or some people might agree with us. Do you know what I hate? Right. I hate it. You know, so we often went on holiday for just five nights, do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't know, I was just sort of like,

I'd rather have a couple of, I'd rather go on holiday twice in the year for five nights. Right. Does that make sense? A little cluster. A little cluster of holidays rather than one holiday. Yeah, yeah. But then I said that to somebody on the last holiday,

who we don't know, some guy. And he was like, do you not just think, it's pointless packing for only five days? Yeah. No? Yes, yeah. That to me makes no fucking sense at all. Not at all.

You pack your bags for however long you go away for. Yeah. How, does it take it an extra? a day to pack for two more night just hide two more pairs of kegs in. I know exactly what you mean. I know the point when the person said that. And I think what he means is

people say it all the time. Yeah, people say it all the time but I think what you're doing like two lots of packing rather than so it's like you're packing everything. You're getting everything ready twice. Not that you're not that the second, not that the first time you do it for an extra two days it's more rigmarole. It's the fact that you're packing

and everything and then going on a holiday then coming back and unpacking everything, doing all the washing. then you've got to do it again in a couple of weeks. I think that's what they're saying. Fair enough. Okay, but I just think, for me, packing, I'm not a fan of packing, but it doesn't take that long. Yeah, we're professional pack, as you know this week.

Because we travel for work. Yeah, but also, it doesn't take that long. Like, you just, you pack, like, outfits for the day, office in the night. It's the choice for me. It's the choice for me. It fucking kills us. I just think it's as stupidest phrase in the world. Like, well, well, why, after all that effort,

all that effort of packing your bag, only staying for that long. It's always like you feel like if they want to double down at that they'd be on like a game show like Bullseye or whatever back in the day or something and they'd go, you've won four nights in Alicata? I'm not going for four nights. Why bother packing for four nights? You stick that up your fucking ass, Jim Bowen.

I'm no chance. Honestly, I would, I'm even contemplating because I know that travel days are so long, but I would, you know, for a day of guaranteed in the sun and the sun lounger, I would go away for three days. I don't even. I would travel for a day, I'd have me lovely night out, and then I'd have me full day in the sun,

then I'd come back the next day to me. that would be lush but people will be like oh why bother doing all that packing for one day in the sun because it's one day of lovely time in the sun and you're just packing

sometimes very old fashioned even young people are very old fashioned and they're like well you've done all that packing stay for 16 nights what the fuck why

just because you've took an hour out of your life to pack your suitcase I don't think I'll I don't think I'll ever do a two week holiday again I think seven I kind of honestly cards on the table I eat that much rubbish

and I drink that much on my way I can't shit by the 10th day exactly the gluttony of a holiday for a fortnight it's awful out of routine

yeah no thank you no I need my bed I need me my bats I need me on a 40 night holiday I'm telling you now I'd get gout

I'd get gout I'd get gout rules go out the window while I'm on my holidays yeah for two weeks I had to start drinking the 3 o'clock

every afternoon it's not good it's not good I don't know I'm right or wrong? I think the idea of having a little couple of cluster holidays is nicer, but then again, it's probably cheaper to do. You're probably looking at it, right?

The longer what it will be. Well, of course it will be, yeah. You're right. Because they know they're going to, it's probably cheaper. It's like a bulk bar, you know, and they know they're going to get you there spending at the bar. You're right, and then your flights because you'd have to buy two sets of flights. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think you should check your fucking privilege and shut your mouth and phone that man and your own an apology. Okay. in facking you leave you're right you're right you're right I'm wrong but but too no okay

no no wait did you just say I'm right you're wrong no because okay it could it could be in any situation so I was just saying five nights and they were like well go for a week you're packed for five just go for a week you go for a week you go for 10

it's like well where does that stop where does it end? You're for 40 nights just live you My thing is this is what I'm trying to get across on this really long wind and I'm really sorry but the time that it takes to pack does not equate to three extra days

I understand we've gone through all that effort of packing your bag why not stay for three extra nights what to recover from the trauma I need a holiday from the packing yeah I need me three packing days I'm right I'm right it's stupid it's a stupid it's a stupid it's a stupid thing to say guys we had the victory while it lasted it was short lived I did enjoy it I'll be on street

it went to me head no you're stupid you bet shouldn't have me chose I took me trousers I took it if you weren't on YouTube when she said I was right I took me two hours off and swung them around me yet. Next time we're on the train you're going to be going to be going to be back yet and I'll go oh he's stupid this episode is sponsored by TV licensing

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Right. It's so, I just, like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and you're really in-depth things but Animal Park it's almost like just a little cozy little, I don't know like a little cozy little zoo it's like the day to day running of the place

it's just a really a good show for all the family on eye play out to watch whenever and you're just sticking on when the kids are in and it's just a nice... Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you? It's a huge nostalgia for me I love it I mean it's been running for 25 years it's a heck of a show and longly it's a bad place brilliant

kids love anything like that with animals and stuff. So do I. A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more,

go to tvl.com.com. uk, upu-bado-bababado-doo-babab-do-ba-doo-ba-doo-ba-dabababababababab. So obviously, it's weird because I do, I am sometimes really needy and I don't like being on me own and I do you sometimes call it's needy

because I'll follow you around the house. There's no way that our listeners think that you're needy. Right. But the kids as well Sometimes you know If I get lonely I'll go over in the I'll go to Robin's room

I'll be like what you do But there are like I've spent a lot of me adult life Like driving on my own Being in trains on my own You know And when I'm on two hour I'm on my own Quite a lot

I'm in hotels on my own Sometimes I get little pangs of like I'm not I don't get to spend as much time on me Once you've got a family You've got kids You don't spend as much time on your own So when I've realized

Listen listen let's let's finish my point Right I'm getting to something right And I don't even be crude here Right But what I've noticed so far in these summer holidays you're to blame for this as well

I am I cannot fart anywhere in peace whenever I'm someone always comes as soon as I think I'm safe here I'll sneak a fart out someone comes over to where I am

and just goes and I'm like you weren't supposed to come over here this wasn't the kids like every time I'm eating your fart and it's fucking disgusting Going to eat somewhere else.

No. You go and fart somewhere else? I try, but someone always follows us. I'm telling you. Your fart is more portable than my fucking dinner. Like, go to the bathroom? That's my life now. I've got to go to the toilet to fart.

What the hell's going? What kind of, what kind of fascist dictator shit am I living in here? You've got to go and fart just in the toilet? Getting you ready for when kids have got partners. That's when it's going to. our children have got boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever.

Yeah. There's going to come at the point. Oh my God, you see how I said boyfriends first? I'm so forward thinking. Oh, you're so... I'm so... I'm so...

Down with the gaze. Brilliant. Like, you're going to have to fart everywhere else. I'm sick of it. Like, honestly, the other day I fought and you just came in and you were like, oh, I need this.

Oh, I'm like, I came in here and I fought. No, no, no, no. I'm going to stop you now. I'm going to stop you now. I wouldn't come in and be like how day you fart because it's your house you always do it when you're having a chat with us or when I'm eating

or drinking you're coming you're talking and you just fart and I'm like fuck off I've blocked them ones out and I didn't Robin came in I could go on the roof to fart and I would the second I let it out someone would fucking put a ladder against the gutter and come up I'm just checking the air oh who's oh what time I'm fucking sick of it

I'm really selfish because my own fart I love anyone else's and actually I love the kids I could smell the kids fart all day. Robin's fart like a bloke now. I don't mind it. I'm still like nice.

It's like when they've got bad breath. I'm kind of like, that's lush. Weird. Yours. Oh, that makes one as well, by the way. Children, try to open doors that are locked like someone in a horror film. Like,

I was on the toilet this morning and, you know, we had, like, your mom was here, your auntie was here. Rafe's little cousin, Raven's little cousin were there. So I go up for me shower and my shite And I lock the door I don't normally look

If it's just us in the house I don't lock the door But I lock the door when there's other people Just in case And then like Rief Like the door handle I hear I'm running up with the door And the door handle goes down once

And I go Riff from on the toilet And it just goes down again And again And the door's fucking shaking And I'm like to the point of way I'm like is that Rief Or is that a zombie

Trying to get in the root Like Gag Gag Gap Gap Gop Gop Gha Like back to shit Like it could As I'm looking at the door handle It's flying up down It's like the shot from a horror film someone like the killers trying to get in

one of them's made, it's the idea in the car, we've got child locks on the car, because we still got rave, I pulled up at wherever we were going I was like, right, I'll get his out to second lads, and I just saw him, trying to open the door and then bra-pah, ba-pah, blah, blah, blah, and I went, there's child locks on, mate, it's okay, like, but kids, they're just like, oh, this is locked, I'll just

fucking ragged for 20 minutes. Live alone, like... I might, you know, I might have a living at something, I think you fucking should. Anyone, if you've got a cave for sale, that has been the middle of no way, let's know, email in. I might go live in a cave. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for, what's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? I'm going to go pretty easy because I feel, no, I just feel like we're both a bit up a height with the kids. It's been a long, we're only halfway through. It's been really long.

But it's okay, but it's just intense. And like, you do not take 10 minutes to get ready. You need to retrain your brain and you just need to tell yourself that you're take longer than you think to get ready. Right. Right? So I allocate 10 minutes and you think I only take 10 minutes. Right.

Okay. It goes back to the holiday actually. Because you were just missed a piss head and missed a fun around the pool. And I booked a net. Sorry. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Thank you for noticing. I'd booked dinner for like 7 o'clock. Oh yeah. A hot spot of the day. It was great. Yeah. Love that, by the way. Love going for dinner when it's blistering fucking hot.

Oh, well, okay. Then retrain your children because your children cannot stay up late. be fucking starving. So who are these people who are these people who can take the kids for dinner at 9 o'clock?

We were going back to bed and people were taking their kids out for dinner and I was like how's that possible? Everyone holidays differently but that's not. We are working class north-east people

and we'll go for dinner at 7 o'clock like that's when we eat. Sweating our fucking tits off. I'm not changing it. What? Shirt. I know. Trousers in some of the restaurants

because it's posh. Fucking soaking. Restaurants are dead. Nobody there Where do you want to sit? Anyway Can you sit me inside the A-Con unit please?

Oh it's broke, great I know You can sit you outside Where there's no breeze And direct sunlight Wonderful I know I'm not changing

We can't change That's the kids You take them any later They're just gonna be Absolute dicks Are gonna be starving Or you're gonna feed them A snack around the pool

You're gonna take them late And they're still They're not gonna eat anything And then you're gonna be And then you go back the room They go actually we're hungry now I'm starving Yeah

So So There's that's that three-day old apple have that out of the fucking fruit bowl. You think you take 10 minutes so you would just rock up every night, by the way, people,

every night Christmas would rock up at like quarter to seven and then we'd all have to leave to go to the restaurant without you. And you'd just come rocking along like 10 minutes later and I'd be like, to be like, come up earlier. I started to think that it wasn't actually that hot

it was just my jog to the restaurant each night. Yeah? It was every night. It was every night. Why did you do that? I think I don't take that long to get ready but I've got a thing with colours. You fucking take ages.

You take ages. It's colours. I'm so ill. Yeah. Anyone watching this on YouTube now, you'll realise me and Rosie are wearing the same, exactly the same colour top. Like it looks like a fucking uniform.

I quite like it. We should have a uniform. I wish we had. I'm sick. But I came to your little dressing area before doing the podcast, before I was going to get ready. I went, what you're wearing

and you held up a green and white dress. I changed me right. And for a laugh, I went, were wearing green and white. Oh, and she went, don't you dare?

And I went, I won't, and I went and picked a navy fucking t-shirt. This is my beef, actually. This is my beef. And I went and picked

a navy fucking t-shirt. And I got ready, and I came out, and you were on the landing in a navy dress. Yeah. And I said, and you looked at me

and went, you can't wear that. I'm wearing navy. And I said, whoa, you told me and showed me a green and white dress.

I have picked this navy. Why have I picked this? Should I tell you why I've picked this? And you can't even, this is a, what's wrong with me. I couldn't change. I am wearing, you'll see, if you're watching it on the video, I'm wearing shorts,

right? Cream-coloured shorts. They're actually mint-green. They're not mint-green. They're not, don't say that because I'll have to go and change them. I won't actually build it finish this podcast. They're like a creamy coloured, maybe a slight tinge green, but you can't really tell. But they have got, if I move this hand, they have got a logo. What colour is that logo?

That colour of logo that you can't even see on the camera is navy blue. Right. Which means I had to wear a navy blue. t-shirt with them, even though you can't say it on the camera. Listen, do you ever want to have sex again? And I don't even mean just with me. I mean with anyone listening. So stop.

Just stop. You're making yourself completely void of anybody. I am bearing my soul here. Stop. That, like, if I'd put a different top on, I can't wear a black tea. shirt with these. So three colour rule. Three colours?

Roma! Timmy Mallet! How do you, listen, how did you marry me though? Because I don't follow that rule. Do you ever look at me, leave the house and go, what the fuck? Like, I don't,

I wear whatever colour. Does it kill you? Sometimes it looks like, yeah. Sometimes just like a bounty castle. I love it, though. You know the big ones in Fairs where they've got like loads of non-licensed

DC and Marvel pictures on. And it's just... Yes, that's me? I don't give a shit. It's a three-colour rule apparently You wear stripes with checks with dots With carnage Absolute carnage

It's time for questions from the public From the public From the public Tired And you know what The only thing that is different That I didn't do last night Was have a half a bottle of wine

Right So I feel like Bad news When you wake up not drinking feeling worse Maybe I should have had a drink. I've been buying them little bottles of bijou. It's my new favourite wine. Little mini bishuos.

Oh my God. Listen, if you want to get in touch with anything at all, it's shagmarydenoid at gmail.com. If you want to send a voice note, it is 07-8774-40-60. Daisy has gone on holiday. I hope we having a lovely holiday, Daisy. And Jenny has sent us this who's doing the edit this week.

So I don't know what this is. Absolutely fine. Hi guys, I've got an ick for you. I was just listening to your latest episode where the girl had written in about her partner building a birdhouse for the pigeons. And I wanted to let you know I've been with my partner a long time,

there's very little that he does that turns me off, but this is an ick that I cannot get over. When I turn the corner in the aisles, in B&M or Home Bargains, wherever we are. And this manly man with a big bushy beard that I call my partner is stood with a basket in the crook of his elbow, studying the bird food and the fat-filled coconuts as if he's going to lay on a five-star meal for the birds, trying to decide what it is that he's going

to buy to put honey on his bird table. It gives me the best meal. biggest ick and it takes me a while to get over it so I try and avoid going to that oil with him now. I just thought I'd send that in because I thought it was quite funny. Fantastic. Thank you. Can I first of all, go on what you're going to say. We're a, we're a nightmare. We're not awful. We're a nightmare lasses. We are a nightmare. Like, what do we want? We want the nice guy. We want the nice guy who loves birds and who's nice, but when we see them do it, we want Outlander. It's wild, yeah.

I don't mean you're over, by the way. No, no, it's like, it's like... It's just insane. It's because you're so, I think, emotionally switched on more than men and so, like, emotionally intelligent, more than men, and it's like just slight little things can put you off the mood or whatever, whereas men are just a little bit more like, Tiddler goes in whole.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, well, I've told you this before. Yeah. There was a video circulate. and my friend mentioned it to it, mentioned it to us, and I was like, I've seen this. And basically, it says like,

you know, you know how people say, like, when you get married, your sex life decline, or when you have children, when you're basically, when you've been in a relationship for a long time, you've seen more turnoffs than you have before.

Because for women, if we've had an argument three days ago, yeah. I'm over it, but I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And actually, but for a bloke,

no, a bloke, I think most blocs, and most women as well, I'm not just trying to put everyone in, because I know everyone's different, but from my experience, we kind of hold it in, and we're upset in a way, we're like, I don't want to give you my body.

To have sex as a woman, you have to fully be in the moment and everything be great, and, you know, but for a bloke, I don't think you actually need that as much. Not as much, yeah. It's kind of like more, you know. So, but we hold on to it,

and I think that's why it becomes less, because you've got more stresses. Kids stress you out so much. So you've thought about the kids. And then it's like, how about? And you go, no. Yeah. I think you've seen more turnoffs of each other.

Yeah. Throughout the time. Do you know what I mean? It's not you're sick of each other. It's like you've seen more turnoffs. Yeah. But can I just say more than the bird feed, it's the basket and the crook of the elbow for me?

Do you get everyone out there, right? I don't want to go all, you know, manosphere here. But men especially, do not put the basket put it on the floor put it on the floor in front of you if you're looking at something because it's fucking weird

I've done it before I've put it in the croup my arm and the second I put it in the arm and the second I put it there I went oh no and I had to take it off I always put it on the floor the basket in the cruech the arm

it's very Jemima Puddle duck Oh yeah I mean it's very Peter Rabbit's you know That weirdly that Is Jemma Puddler look an actual carrot have I've just pulled out

It's Biotricks Potter Yeah it's very Beaterx Potter It's very rabbit with a basket with a fucking pin of four on its head. You know what I mean? It's, yeah.

She's making carrot cake for Peter. It's, yeah. Listen, speaking of how mental we are and what turns us off. Hi, both. A wee anonymous holiday ick for you, right? Lovely. When we go away on holiday, we usually stay in an Airbnb. So have a key to look after.

To keep it safe, my husband always puts it on a cord around his neck. Oh, God. Oh, God. I already hate that, but that's fine. It's because he's so scared of losing it. Yeah. Unfortunately, when he goes to open the door, he does not remove the cord from around his neck,

but instead just bends over and put the key in the lock, which makes him look like he's trying to kiss the door. That's worse than it. We've got the A, B, and B, right. And we've got the iPads for the kids. Right, good. We've got the walking boots. Right, brilliant, yeah.

We've got the sun parasol for outside, yeah. Have you got the cord that you put the key? I have got the cord that I put on my neck, that I put the key. on. So he must take the court, he must take a cord with him. Why can't she put it in her bag? Because she'll lose it. He's, he's paranoid.

This man, this man. Unless they're a same, I don't know, there might be a same sex couple. There might be two blocks. There might be no handbags, yeah. Well, not even, well, a pocket. But this is a guy. He has lost a key once. He's lost a key once and it was either a nightmare he's laid for something or he had to pay

the deposit or buy a new case. And there is never going to do that again. So he puts it around that. I couldn't. dog tag in a movie. If you had a key around your neck of the Airbnb, I'd want to die. That's no, in my opinion. It's the leaning in and putting his cheek against the door. I love that.

It's not okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hey, Chris and Rosie, hope you're all good. Just a quick email about my husband. So, whenever he goes out for drinks with his friends, he always comes home and gets the drinky munchies after the endless beers. Yes, yes. So sometimes he may order a takeaway, but,

More often than not, he scavenges through what we have in the house. So pasta, cereal, tins of beans, once he ate a whole slab of smoke salmon. That's nice. That's very, very decadent after a load of beers. But taste a decadent, but also nothing to it. You want a bit of stodge. You've had a lot of beers, a bit of stodge. It wouldn't be what I would be reaching for.

Your toasts, your cereals, your pizzas. Yeah. Your crackers, your breadsticks. No, no one else is. Just you. No, just you. Okay. Yeah, you know, your frozen lasanasias, your pastas,

yeah. Your pot noodles. Yeah. Your pasta and sauce. Yes. Yeah. One morning, I came downstairs after his night out. And can I say this was during the first extremely hot heat wave that we had?

Right. And I saw that he had an all-time low. Oh, God, what's he done? What's he had? He's been out all night, he's been on the piss. He's ate this and he's left the evidence downstairs. It's a London heat wave. It's 35 degrees.

He had opened, microwaved and eaten a whole Christmas pudding. I'm impressed. I'm not even angry. It goes past ridiculous. Stodge. Oh, it's fucking stodged. Sue it, isn't it? God. Oh, no. Sad times, isn't it?

Oh, how pissed are you that you eating a Christmas pudding in 30 degree heat? Oh, I love, I like the idea that he littered as well and did out and did all that. Do I mean? Merry Christmas, everyone. Hey, all acquaintance me When I told him He obviously couldn't remember He just said, well at least it's got fruit in it

So he's getting his five a day And his Christmas pudding His trip to the bathroom the next morning Would have been horrendous That's why I always go for a curry after a bit I loads of my mates are like Oh, don't eat once I've had a drink Like they're some kind of champion fucking drinkers

But there's a small portion of work Who always three or four pints in I need food now it's got to be a curry. Like. Everyone's, everyone is different because we, I'm going out for my birthday with the girls and I need to decide what order that we're doing everything in. But they were all chirping up the other day and they were like, well, if I eat, then I'm just tired and I can't. And I'm like, oh. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Like. So a lot of them, yeah, that's the thing. Once you've had the curry. How much eating? Yeah, but your night out's not continuing after curry. I remember when I was younger. Mine, okay, right, okay. Well, maybe I'm the, I am the minority because I could literally.

really sit down I could eat a full curry give us half an hour I'll be on the dance floor right so when I was younger when I was younger my mates did this we went we went for a few beers and then went for a curry and it was like a Saturday night as something in you know back in the day when South Shields was heaving and pumping and dusk rest in peace favourite nightclub ever dusk was open and we're like do you know what I'll go to dusk and I immediately regret it I basically stood in the corner of bourbon I basically stood I got one of them stood in the corner of bourbon I had to leave I was like this is makes no odd to drink I could follow I could follow I could follow

over. Yeah, but I like, see, this is why I like, I start early. My night out, I start early, very early. We're talking to three, four in the afternoon. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, boom. I can't end a night. No, you can't, you don't know when to stop. I start early and I've got all their intentions and I'm like, yeah, we'll meet a three o'clock. And then I still come in really late and I've just kept drinking and I'm ill. Drinking and talking. We were on the beach drinking, like, what the fuck? Yeah, horrible. Yeah, horrible. I love it though.

Hi Chris and Rosie, you love the podcast. So are you in Leeds on your last tour and seeing Chris in November too? Oh, brilliant, thank you. My, yeah, my tour starts next month. It does. Yeah, Chrisamsaccom for tickets. Still some left.

Here's a little story for you from when I used to work in retail. No poo-a-wee, just good old-fashioned making a tip of myself. Don't want to hear it. Get it off the pot. I'm joking. Fantastic. Just good old-fashioned making a tip of myself

whilst committing moral crimes. It's a bit long but it's got layers So it's worth it Nice I used to work in a shop in Ljork Sorry Le York I was nearly said leaves

Learque Bonjo Welcome to Le York Bon Aniversary Will you be spending A whole day in Le York Or would you be getting the train

To Le Harrogate Oh me Le York Le York Dungeon Okay Right

This street always used to have a lot of dog walkers and as a retail worker my joy day to day was pet and custom as dogs Right so they weren't on the street in Le York And dogs were walk past, great I was on greet at the front of the store In brackets I Feel Your Pain, Rosie

that always put me on greeting people at the door Because you're a gobbie fucker Yeah And I saw a dog peeking his head His little head around the door frame A little golden retriever Oh cute He was looking right at me

So I decided that if I just kneeled down And beckoned the dog He'll get all excited and drag his owner are over. So, I did exactly that. And sure enough, in runs this excitable golden retriever. He'd pulled away from his owner

and ran right into my arms. He was jumping around and licking me and it was everything I'd been hoping for. Brilliant. I love golden travers. However, the sun soon set on my golden time when I pulled away from my dog cuddle and I realized that he had a little jacket on.

A neon yellow jacket. Oh, fuck off. Oh, no. A guy on jacket. Oh, no. To my absolute horror, I looked out of the door to see a crowd of people around a blind lady who's now face down on the floor

after being closed lying by her face. She didn't see the thick. She only saw the head poking around the corner. She didn't see the jacket. I'd never fucking recover from that. I ran out with the dog as the lady was being pulled to her feet. She was fine, thank God. And she started laughing and said that her dog

was a little tinker who just gets really excited. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was an accomplice to the crime. Come on. Come on it. Leave that person who depends fully on you. I mean, a terrible guide dog, by the way. Oh, it must still be. Must be new. Must be training.

This one reminded me of you. Me? Mm-hmm. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I've been with my husband since school, and we're both now 44. Hmm. I understand that we are both, let's say, not as young as we were, and that we are changing as we age.

My husband is very into exercise. annoyingly he's in the shape of his life as I hit perimenopause Truly womanhood is a continuous gift I want to be proud of him of taking care of himself and investing in his fitness I mean I am proud but it's somewhat overshadowed by the massive ick I get for his newfound hobby Using a tens machine

Oh is that... Don't don't you fucking day Is that the electric? Yes Oh Don't you day Oh, do they work? Yeah, I think so.

Really? Yes, the little gadget that supposedly helps in labour, though it didn't for me, by twitching your muscles after a particularly heavy... I might not even finish this. Really? Because you're angry. You're going to be on Amazon buying a bloody... I'm not, I'm not, I don't like them, they hurt. I don't like them, but all they really hurt.

After a particularly heavy exercise period, he pulled a muscle in his back, and every morning for six weeks he religiously stuck the sticky pads of the sore area and lay there heavy breathing while I got to work. I can't explain why it's such an ick but it honestly gets me. The habit is less frequent now but some mornings I hear the familiar rustling and my heart sinks. Heart sinks! He's just trying to make his back better, you bastard. Oh, today his latest new toy arrived, one of those Thira gun massage things.

Got one. Yeah, I know you have. And immediately he started using it. I felt like I'll never be aroused again. I really need to tell him to keep these activities to himself. Again. We can't win, man. I know. You'd be devastated if he'd just let himself go and he didn't care.

He was just, you know, eating a load of shiting. I know. Does it ick you out when I've got like a red light mask on and that? That doesn't bother us in the slightest. It doesn't bother us. Okay. You know, you keep, listen, you keep polishing that turn. If I'd come home next week and you've got one of them machines on yet.

So my thing was, so that's obviously helping him, it's helping him heal. I thought, people put them on. thought they would give you a sick pack back in the day and that, didn't? I thought it would just, I don't think they do. People would just not do any exercise at all in wear them, I mean, maybe they do. Yeah, sit there eating a pizza. You can get them on your ass,

and all some women get them on their ass. Nah, I hate them, that horrible. Freak me out, I hate electric shots and stuff like that. I kind of bear it, man. Well done you. No, don't get one. Kind of bear it. You're going to get one.

I'm not. I've already got one. I'm wearing it now. Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo. Thank you, as always, for listening to Shagmary Noyd. Thank you so, so much. As always, everyone again touched, shagmary innoid at gmail.com,

the number which I'm going to have to read off before, because I'm just a moment. I'm so busy, man. The kids are off. I haven't a time to wipe me arse, man, and I've gone somewhere to fart. Everyone follows us. It's a nightmare.

07874-40665. If you'd like to send it, a voice note. And please like, rate and subscribe and all that. And if you're watching on YouTube, be lovely for click to subscribe as well. Thank you so much, and we'll be back in New Year's next week. Bye. Bye.

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