Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Hey Siri How Easy Is It To Get A Divorce

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Get ready for some high stakes beef, a intense holiday breakdown and some triggered behaviour off the back of Taco day. The couple discuss fancy dress, some questionable GP equipment and if partners should haves access to a period tracker, thoughts? All of this plus some brilliant school themed QTFP's! If you have some stories that you'd like to share on the podcast, email: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married and all. We find out why click-baity videos are basically leading to me almost quitting Instagram. I think you should. It's time to let go. I'm sick. I've had enough. I'm honestly ready to call it a day. We find out your exciting story about Dr. Arshole, Brackett's not his real name. Dr. Pervert. I'm going to speak to my friend tonight. No, I want, if you listen, let us know your opinions on this. Because I'm really worried about it.

Yeah, yeah, you're very, very invested in this. We talk about the highs and lows, many lows of Taco Tuesday. Oh, God, do not talk to me about Taco Tuesday. We discuss fancy dress. Yeah, my love of it and your hate of it. Absolutely can't stand it, pointless waste of time getting up in.

And we've got more emails about teachers and school pranks. Yay! All that coming up, enjoy! Bye! At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment

offers a physician, lead, full body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Hello, you're listening to Shagmarnoid with me, Rosie and my husband, Chris. Hi-ya. Hello. At the beginning of everyone, sorry enough for the people who listening, for the people watching at the beginning. I don't know what camera to look at, even the one that's not pointing to me. I wave at them all like a maniac.

Well, you are a maniac. Like, you know when you're out in public and someone shouts like, eh, and you think they're waving at, you're like, what calm I'm waving at? That's basically what just happened there. So apologies for the fright. Apologies to the people who are listening who don't see that. You're not missing anything. I look like a twat. Hi. Jesus Christ. Not you over-analyzing life again. Just don't analyze myself,

over-anising life, everything. How are you? I'm due on. Right. Right. Here it is. Here it is. Just the constant cycle. I'm miserable as far. Right. Yeah. Great. The constant cycle. Good. At least I'm like predictable.

You'd be hated if I was if I was getting unpredictable. No, it is no. You never knew what I was like. At least I'm like, you know. I've got no sort of frame, time frame idea of like the scale of what, you know, when it's coming around again.

I don't know. It takes as my surprise is what I'm trying to say. I don't know. I'm not good at time these days. Right. Well, listen, I've got, you just do what you're doing next. I've got an app.

Right. What you're going to do? Find it in your app. I'm just going to tell you exactly. Right. Do you know that this app you can also sync it up with your partner? So you could, I think,

I mean, that actually made us want to vomit in the mouth. I've told you I've synchronised with you. I'm always miserable when you're miserable. No, you're just miserable because you feed off my miserable. You just bring the house down. You bring the whole house down. I'm sure I've read it or somebody said, like, oh, you can, your partner can have it as well.

And I was like, that is vile. Or have the app, you mean. Have the app, and be like, oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart, I know why you like this. But, um, you wouldn't. Yeah, you wouldn't like that. You'd be like, why are you stalking us? It's too much.

Why is it not telling us? Why do you know? So, hang on. What's the date? That's the 12th. Oh, so I'm really due on? Really, Joe on? Oh, no, no.

I'm not. Oh, you're just miserable. Yay! I've got like two weeks, but this is when it starts. Just fucking miserable. Fantastic. That's good. The high chances are getting pregnant.

Oh, good. No, that's August? What the fuck? See? How am I supposed to fucking know if you don't even know when? You've got an app for it. Oh, do you know what it is? because I haven't put them in properly.

Brilliant. But it's not the same every month. I still don't understand it. And do you know what? I don't want to understand it. Just threw our phone on the floor. I don't know. I must have...

No, because I've stopped... What happened is last month, I've started putting them in and I haven't pressed okay and then hasn't saved it. Again. So now I'm just... Whatever.

I pay for that. I fucking pay for that. Brilliant. This sounds to everyone listening like when you bought the book a page a day and you wrote your thoughts for the first day

and they're on now 364 blank pages in that book. I hate myself. That'll never be filled. I hate myself. Do you know, I bought, this is how much I hate myself. I bought, like, a liner to put under the, we've got an apple tree.

And it's lovely. God, I saw this today. And I bought the liner to put under the apple tree so the apples wouldn't all just fall off onto the floor. It's been sat there for a week. The apples are falling on the floor and I haven't put it down. I hate myself. I actually do hate myself.

But can we just clarify those? well I don't sit and do nothing do I'm like I'm it's not like I'm just why you're saying that I just listen I just want to hear all of the bullshit before I do a lot I think I do a lot of stuff I feel like I don't actually stop but I never achieve that that's I think right okay I think you've hit the nail on the head you're doing a lot but you're not achieving anything it's like if life's a race if life's a race I'm not life all right if every if every day life is a race in which case you've got to start and you've got to finish and you've completed the

day and you're somewhere in the middle running around in circles. Right, okay. I just think life used to be easier when, like... When you didn't have kids and a job and loads of... Yeah, responsibility. Yeah. It was much easier.

I was going to say. I just think it's too hard. You can't do everything. You can't do... That's the problem. There's no, like... You just can't do everything. Right.

You can't be mint at your job and then a mint, ma'am. You can't... It's just not... Dare I say it? You do pretty brilliant at both. And that is the last compliment you will get off me today. Literally, I could cry.

I could actually cry. Really? This is the introduction. Right, okay. I'm on the edge. Well, because... I'm on the deep end. Because being good at your job, which you are and being a good mom, has absolutely

a far call to do with putting a little tarpaul under the apple tree to get their maples off. That's what I mean? Which, can I go on record now and say, no one in our family likes. That tastes like shit. That tastes like actual shit. Cooking apples. That's what I mean. Okay.

We've hit the nail on. head. All right, maybe, yes, you can be an amazing mother and be really good

at your job, but the other shit has to just go. Yeah. Like that? Like that? Like that?

Like putting that top holding underneath their apples. That's got fucking nothing to do with being a good ma'am or my job.

So that, right, okay, well, listen, squirrels over. The gardener's dog fucking loves her apples.

He's grinding about three yesterday. Great. Let him eat them. I know. Okay, there you go. I've sorted it.

I just can't do that shit. Now listen, this is, The week our first, please, please get me, anonymous episode came out with Jordan Stevens.

Very good fun. Thank you so much for all your lovely comments on that. We really do enjoy doing them. We are giddy as fuck. Giddy, speaking other people. Notes, for us, especially me.

Talk less. Calm the fuck down. Yeah, calm down. We're like two little puppies. Well, it's sometimes blood from a stone talking on this podcast to each other. May I quote you just 45 minutes ago in our kitchen, sorry,

you shouted, I can't be fucking arced. Someone else in the room, oh, she's all guns blazing. She's, oh, she's fucking life and soul of the party. Couldn't show. Talk less. Smile more.

Yeah. We'll do that Louis Theroux thing where you just ask them something and then just go completely fucking dead until they're just like, I could not be interviewed by that man. Do you know? He puts in an early grave. I used to, I don't want to name and shame them, but I used to work for, when I was singing on my own,

I had a management company who used to do all my gigs. And when I used to ring saying that I couldn't do a gig because I was ill or whatever, the guy on the other end of the phone would just be quiet. No. And it was fucking torture. No. But I got wise to it.

I got wise to it after a while. So you would just be like, rock, right. For ages, right? And I was literally like 20, something and it was horrible and I was just like,

oh my God. But then I got wise to it and I used to be like, yeah, this is what I'm ringing for. Oh, God. And then I did it after. Oh, just a silence off. Silence off.

So it's taught me a lot, actually. So it's an interrogation technique. If you think someone's lying, if you just shut up, they'll keep going. and gone and going and going. I'd do it with our kids if I think the line. But to be fair,

I don't think Robin ever is because I just go quiet. I look around and he just goes, what? He's like, I've told you, like fuck off. It's perfect. But yeah, to do that at a young lass

who's gigging and, yeah. It was awful. Yeah, I left very soon after. Fucking bunch of things. No, again, no one ever believed you when you weren't well. We've talked about this before. Yeah.

No one ever believed you. I know. In the fucking 90s, early 90s, I'm not well. I've just seen you breathe. So if you're breathing, you're well enough to go to school. I know.

That's one thing that this generation are like good at. But then sometimes, I don't know, I'm quite glad we grew up in a generation where it was like,

you do it. There is a bit of suck it up. But suck it up's not the best way to go. I don't know. You get shit done though. Sometimes, sometimes it can make you fucking pop. So I suppose there's a level.

I mean, if you're hung over. If you're hung over, suck it up, crack on. You know, if you've got a bit of a cold, suck it up crack on, you know, if you're deteriorating hugely with depression

and mental health issues, maybe don't suck it up. maybe talk to someone. Right. Okay. Yes, absolutely. But then, I don't know. I think we're quite good

at dealing with shit. Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Yeah, I was going to take a drink, but I don't have time because it's time for this week's. Oh, my gosh. Curative, lucrative sponsor.

Before that, guys, thank you so much for watching. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for subscribing and being part of our silly mixed-up brackets on our period, off our period, question mark, what's going on?

Crazy little mixed up world. Thank you for being here. And without further ado, what? Can I say one. There is a sponsor. literally banging on the door. Handfuls of cash.

I would like to... I don't know how long we're going to do this podcast for. But it would be nice if we lived in a world where, you know, I don't fancy doing it perimenopausal or menopausal. But like after that, if we came back and years come, and I would just be quite happy. Grandparents, I'd be loving life. I'd be like, I had my grandchildren.

Not on my period ever. Don't have periods anymore. Don't have periods anymore. And you know what you'll say? You go, actually, I don't think I was that bad. Was it? Yeah. Millions of people go,

you fucking were! Okay, so it is time without further ado for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor now. A lot of people that have seen this

on the internet. If you're just watching random videos, if the algorithms throwing them up, you might have not, but I'm here to say right now,

this week's lucid of lucidum sponsor is videos of people washing strawberries. Fucking stop it now. Explain? Fully had enough of them. Fully,

they're fake. I guarantee you they're fake. absolutely sick of them. Makers want to die. We've got strawberries in the fridge. I open up, I look at the fridge, I want to be sick everywhere just because of these stupid fucking videos.

Have you not seen them? When people use, like, like powder in that to wash them? So they'll put the, they'll go behind. And it's all, all these, fucking, this new trend. There's always a stupid new trend. And this new one starts with, like,

my grandma taught me. It's always like me grandma taught me this. Or a food hygiene has taught me this. Or a doctor taught me this. Or a lot of them are, a flight attendant told me this. And then it's someone fucking cutting up a fucking shoe and putting an air tag in it

and then fucking sticking that shoe onto a suitcase. I hate everyone. But these ones are, they get the strobies, they get a big fucking thing, they get the strawberries out with the punnet, and they pour them the thing, and they pour a load of water in,

and then they put either salt or bacon powder or something, and then they cover it up, and they say, I've left it for 24 hours, and then they take the foil off, and it's like fucking stranger things. It's like absolutely, it's clearly fake. So you're being sort of clickbaited?

I mean, I'm always clickbaited. I'm absolutely, I'm a clickbait's dream, like a dream. But it's, I, You've seen them if you're listening now, where you're watching. It's honestly vile. They take the foil off

and then they're like, look, if you don't do this, look where you're eating in. There's fucking millipedes, fucking flies, lizards, bats, rats, dogs, all kinds come out with them.

Fagin from Oliver Twisties in there doing fucking backstroke. Like the scruffiest, it's just the scruffiest mingness water ever. Casta shameless, it's madness, the shit that comes out

with these strobeys. You've seen nothing like it, right? And I don't even fucking I eat strawberries and it makes us want to cry. Right. I think it's bullshit. It's definitely bullshit. Right. But in their defence, they've got you

because you do not strike me as a type of child who walked along and picked raspberries off of blackberries off a field, in a field. Hey, no, we were in the countryside with our children there, and you were letting them pick blackberries and I wanted to burst in his years. Like, but why? But why?

Why? Just, you don't know. You don't know. You roll around a sweaty ming and horrible floor with blokes, with bloke's assholes in your face. But you won't eat a blackberry off a bush. No one has ever put the rossole in my face. Definitely.

Definitely haven't. All right, yeah. But you don't know what happened. You don't know what happened. Like 10 minutes earlier than that, a cyclist could have went past and just fucking huckled into that bush. You don't know.

Well, what are you going to do? It's good for your immune system. Great. All right, yeah, great. How long have you worked for the World Health Organization? Secretly. Good, solid, 20 minutes. Oh, Chris, stop being, you're just rage-baited by the internet.

And the internet really upset. You shouldn't have the internet. It really upsets you. If I didn't have to have Instagram for work, I wouldn't have it. Well, okay. Either day, I didn't go on Instagram at all. All day, I had a great day. Well, good for you.

Good for you. It's not for you. I don't think it is for me. No, then, don't go on it. Nobody's forcing you go on it. Just go on. Collab with me, because you know you'd do nothing on there. So just collapse, press the little button to say yes.

Get somebody from the office to run your social media for you. Oh, no. I just. I just don't know. Pay me, I will run your social media for you, but I want paid. No. Go on.

Pay me. Listen, I'll give you a punnet of strawberries once a fortnight. Unwashed. Gorgeous. Yeah. Get them little wormy's in my tummy. Bid protein. Biking off all the horrible bits inside.

Getting rid of all the shit. It's horrible. Stop doing the videos. You're upsetting us, partly. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle. on a jingle jingo

So this is the jingle Jingle Jingo We hope you like the jingle Jingo Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu bagadu ba

Jingo Hey bitches Welcome back Wow Welcome back to this piece episode I'm good Hello

I'll calm down Oh good Wild story for you Okay Somebody told me this the other day And I saved it I haven't told you I got told this last week, right?

A friend of mine... Don't talk anymore. I know. Well, I saved it. I wrote it down my phone and I just wanted your opinion on it. Okay. Friend of mine, her friend...

Oh, here it is. No, no, no. It's not... It's not... It's not... It's... It is a friend of mine's friend, but it's a true story.

Yeah, cousin's cousin. A friend of mine's friend went to the doctors recently, right? And the doctor, male doctor, needed to look at her rectum back behind asshole okay thank you

thank you for that because I had no idea what you said no idea I thought you talked about something in that car honestly I thought you talked about my car

thank you for that is a real name for it yes is it okay good I didn't know or sphincter oh I do believe rectum

is the one or anus is there a I think the rectum's a bit up the inside I think that's what I mean I think rectum

yeah don't do the fingers don't do the fingers don't do the fingers listen so the doctor prop by doctor Not like which doctor, like genuine, like at the fucking doctor's where you ring up.

Jesus. Right. Used his own phone torch. Shut up, man. To look at our bum hole. Right. No, I'm sorry. In my opinion, this needs to be reported.

There's no way he should be using his phone torch. Yeah. Chris. I know what you mean. What the heck? So, yeah. Oh, that's weird in it. Why is it weird?

Why is it weird? Because people constantly. be trusted and just because you're in a position of authority doesn't mean like you that is so unprofessional and in it i don't know if you can use the camera while the torch is on it's called the flash you could do a video or a picture with the flash on yes okay hold on surely you can do a video just start a video but then pass it yeah but then you've turned the flash on don't you okay maybe see what if you just on on on Oh, oh, there it is.

There it is. Oh, hey, I tell you what, my asshole filming days have just got a bit more fruitful. There you go. I can never bloody see the ones I do. Thank you for teachers. Sorry, does it out loud. I know what I mean. So, isn't it right?

No, I think I would be, I would be making an official complaint. Okay. Doc Nas do listen to this. Right. Either he's a lazy bastard and he's just like, Oh, well, I just use my phone, torture. I do believe the shut up. You know the one that they look in your mouth with and that in your ears?

I know what you mean. Or he should have said, I'm really sorry. My torch has died. I haven't got any batteries. I'll show you now. My phone is turned off. I'm just going to use... Oh, well, you couldn't because you...

No, I just think. I think I've uncovered something. See, I always want to... Chris? Can I finish my fucking sentence? No, because we'll have to be on... We have to be on high alert of this. Yes.

But in all honesty... What are you going to say? I always like to try and think the best of people but obviously the world doesn't let we do that these days and it's a point of it's a fucking idiot if you do. I think you're safer if you think the worst of people and then they're surprised you'd actually be good. Yeah, but but yeah

even if he's not videoing it's still odd that that's his phone that like later on that night he's going to get home he's going to be having his tea and that phone's going to be sitting next to him on a table while he's eating these spaghetti bottles or whatever and it's literally being like and you'll quickly

lighten up someone's arsewell like it's odd you'll quickly go to the bathroom and knock one out thinking about that phone right great I hate them now he might not be video

in it I don't like him at all I'm disgusting I can see him right he's young in my head he's young young

thinks you can get away with it not am I not am I watch doctor and Dr. Russell I'll find you I don't know where she lives

I imagine his name is Dr Rossol he is called Dr Russell we should have known when he came and applied for the job and his name was Dr. Arsoul, we can't believe this. You couldn't write this.

I think, again, you're good to be sort of, what's the word, vigilant, but I think you've, I've said this before, I say it again, I think you've listened to too many true.

Right, okay, well, hang on. Hey, Siri. Can doctors use their phone torch during appointments? He's not going to know that. Found this on the web for conductors use their phone torch during appointments.

Check it out. Oh. tell it's in the telegraph doctor uses iPhone as torch for internal examination doctors using phone torch risking patients help if you're going to use your cell phone flashlight it's a pen light or as a light source tell the patient that's what you are using it for you've just said that mm-hmm wow what am I am I naive yeah this has right okay no this has actually happened before I think it's just because sorry as a as a as a man I I

I would be absolutely gutted if someone showed me a video close-up of someone's asshole. I'd be well upset. Not my thing. Predators. People like that. It's not actually the thing they're doing. It's the risk of what they're doing. Some of a doctor, I'm sure, this has sparked a memory of actual, this has happened before.

It was a, it was a news thing of a doctor who was like OB, what are they called in America? OBGYN. GYN. God, why do I know that just off watching? Because I've got special. doctors for like clits and that it's not fair we've got crap over here i want to just go the same doctor the same doctor can rid you of your cold and also save you from the clap they've got special doctors for clits um no it's actually i think it's actually happening at the

minute where somebody is under investigation because they're using the torch for like um genital sort of not good not cool because i've talked about it but i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm saying that at the night you know what i think will be better. What would be worse? What'd be worse? Right? Here it is. What'd be worse? You're going for your, you're going for your operation thing, right? Yeah, examination. And you've got two options, right? Time has paused. The man, the magic man who controls time appears. And he says, right, Rosie.

Bernard. And he's watch. Yeah. Bernard's bloated. You're not all over. Isn't that? Oh, he's all over. And stupid. Yeah. Come on. Switch it on. That fruit flies all over you again, by the way. ignoring it why did you have to um god you're ill I am ill so right two choices he's gonna this is me personally yes this is you your legs are in the air your ankles of one thing he's got a big old you have a big old look at your bum all big big old look at your bum all right um so uh all right three options option one he's gonna use his phone torch

could be video and you don't know option two uh he's gonna put some romantic music on he's gonna look at it by candlelight three he's going to use you know that Buzz Light Your Sword that Rave got from Disney that lights up and makes noises he's using that there are your three options

which one do you are which one I'll go for pulling my pants up kicking him in the face and saying you're no doctor and going out he's not using any of them

again wasn't an option candle light or phone light might be filming it or Buzzlight your sword that makes all them noises neither neither I'll risk bum hole

like this I'm not having any on them how about you put the big light on or one of the things that the dentist has that can go down

or or he buys a little torch yeah there's a pointer yes sparkler what about

it's just getting out of hand it's the 5th November you've gone in this is ridiculous he phones that out of battery but hey he's got a he's got a Roman candle

he's got a Catherine wheel stay back Steve asses Ramsey will singe your pubes. A nice lamp. That would do me. What's genuinely, to end this ridiculousness, should I take this further?

Am I going to have to get involved in any way or? No, no, no, no. Fill your boots to do what you want. Okay. Go for it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo do babo. I've had an observation. Oh, you've had an observation.

Yep, my mom. Yeah. A mother observation. I don't know if this is just my mom. Okay. or whether this is like, what's their generation? Boomers. Boomers.

When my mom babysits the kids, I come back and she's sat in complete darkness. Like not one lamp on an house at all. Is she trying to save her electricity, or is she just a fucking bat? Like, it's weird. I come in. What do you mean?

Where is she? She's sitting in the sitting room next to the kitchen. Yeah. And she's got the telly on, but it's just fucking darkness. And I'm like, you could put a light on it's just weird it's just an

I don't know it's just an observation just find it odd I'm like I don't know if she just can't be asked or if it's like if it's deliberate I need to ask her so I saw a thing online once that said it was default of two houses and one was like all the lights on outside lights on like black polluminations

and the other one underneath was all darkness and it said when she's home alone or when he's home alone and there were the differences but I like it you've I'm you've got me on I'm Mr. Lamp now. I know, yeah. I took Rhafe down,

Rayf woke up mad early at the weekend and I took him downstairs and it was like dark, dark mornings are back. And what? What? Excuse me? No, he did for you as well,

but he did for me the day before. Oh. So you think you only walk at once early at the weekend. No, you walk at both times early but thankfully you took it on the chin the second time. But I took him down and he wanted the big light on, you know, quote unquote the big light, the main light in the living room.

And I had a five-minute argument with him. I went, no, I went, it's minging. I wouldn't need the lamps on. I want this one on. Horrible. I am missed a lamp now. I love my outside light. I love me interior light.

I've got my lamps on in the room I'm not in so I can just walk past it and go on. There is. And see the lamps. I love it. I'm glad you're on board. But I need to speak to Sandra and just say, Sandra,

I'll eat on a couple of lamps on. I put down on. When she's been here, I do send her a bill at the end of the day for the lecture. Is that one? It might be that. I knew it was.

She had the bloody blender on the other day. Cheeky little farther. Speaking of rave. Yeah. Getting a little bit above. station for my liking recently he's at school every day I think he's not good and he's really not happy

about being at school every day like literally he's like why am I not at Mama's house doing whatever the fuck I want It's a hard little transition he's going through to be fair No it is You only went in the nursery a couple of days and now he's like every day

The poor kid's exhausted But we had to standoff this morning He came into my room and he put the telly on Because I love the telly in the morning I'm like, let me doze here for 20 more minute and you watch a telly. It was on really loud and I was like, Ray, that's far too loud

like, mommy's dozing, absolutely not. And we had a standoff. I wanted him to put it on 12. He wanted it on 15. And I didn't give in. We had a little tussle, right, for the remote. He won that one, but whatever. And he just lay

in complete silence in a hope for 15 minutes. Wow. You go back, did you? I just lay there. I would know I was very much awake. I was raging. I was like, I mean. I'm not giving in

and he wasn't giving in so that was my morning that was that's how I... He's just as stubborn as you. He's just as stubborn as you. But that's not healthy because that was my first interaction of the day.

Was an argument about the volume getting them both out of school this morning. It's not healthy. Because obviously I was working last night so I got back a little bit later so I slept in a different bed so I didn't want to wake you up so that's why that sounds like

we're in separate beds there as you just said that like we're sleeping separate beds. We're quite often in separate beds but this morning getting them out of the house it's like a fight. Like I've said before, I feel like I've fought to people

and I'd drag them in the car. I wouldn't put music on on the way at school this morning. I'll try and put the music on. I went, no, I want to sit in silence. I need quiet. I needed quiet. It's too much, you know.

And I put an audio book on on the way back. Just, yeah, gather your thoughts. Yeah. Yeah. It's very much fun. It was just not the interaction I needed first thing in the morning

arguing about that. And I could have had it on 15, Chris. I was awake. But I thought no. No? I just don't know how they can be asked. I don't know how they can open their eyes and go, I want a row.

Robin lost a piece of Lego this morning. I was looking for it and I was like, this could be under me fucking nose and I can't see it because I haven't had a coffee. I'm a, I'm a mess. I think we're too available to them. I think we're just too available to Rout. Like, I just, I don't remember my mom and dad

being as present as we are. Maybe there were. They were always like there, but they weren't there really. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Hmm.

I don't know. We're doing it all wrong. Let's go back. Get them back down the fucking minds! Babadoo, babado, babado, babado, babadoo, babo. It's time for what's your bee! What's your beep? What's your beep.

Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What's, what's, what's a beep. Uh, I'm gonna go first. Really? Yeah. Is that? Is that wise? I do believe our beefs may be the same.

I believe our beefs may be the same thing this morning because we spent a good 45 minutes sitting arguing about this this morning. in a i don't know if i've mentioned this before i don't remember having an argument this morning because you know what because the whole thing's a fucking argument my whole life is an argument with someone currently right away then um you don't you're going to move this hard so this is uh i may have mentioned a vian of this before

but i don't think i've definitely not mentioned a specific thing but a through thread of our marriage is um you Oh, no, mine's not. No, no. You keep getting surprised when I don't like stuff that you know I don't like. And in this week's installment, we have fancy dress. Yeah. We are going to my manager slash agent's birthday, 60th birthday.

Brilliant bloke, you know, he's done a lot for her. Fantastic guy. We're going to his birthday. We're going all the way down to London to go to his party. It's fancy dress, which I'm irritated about. It's not, it's... It is and it isn't. Eh, it is.

Yeah, it's... I don't think you have to though. He's called the party. These are a few of my favourite things. Brackets, sound of music isn't one. And then he's like, dress in something for the themes. And the... It's like all of his favourite things are in the back.

Movies, music, eras, stuff. It's cool. Love the bloke. Tell them what you want to go as. Tell them what you want to go as. So one of the themes he likes, all different things he likes. The prano's on there, breaking bad, as I say, different music things.

One of them is a gladiator. Now, we've talked about this before. I went to a fancy dress party before and I felt like a prick. And famous comedian Russell Howard was there and he was just in jeans and a hood. What did you go as? I was in like a fucking man from Del Monte. I was like a stupid fucking cream suit with a green thing. I felt like a twas.

Was I with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were there? What was ours? I can't remember. I hated it. Anyway, I hate going fancy dress. I hate it.

It's just the thing of like, it's like, it's like, Like, come to me party. Okay, I'll come to your party. When's your party? My party's here. Okay, I'll come all the way there for your party because it's your birthday and I like you. Happy birthday.

Oh, uh, dress how I want you to dress for your party. For me party. Oh, sorry, I've got to dress exactly how you want me to dress. Yeah, yeah. Oh, can I go for it? Oh, so I can't go for a drink before your party because I'm like a massive tosser. And then the taxi queue or the pizza shop's going to be great

because I'm like. Right. I have to explain to pass us by what I look like. Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Can I jump in. You can jump in. You do realise that we'll live in a world in society where people know what fancy dress is. It's not like, it's not the 1900s where it's just sort of being invented and it's cooking off the wall. And people are like, oh my God, look at it. If someone saw you in fancy dress,

if you were at the pub and someone was dressed as, like in Indiana Jones, you wouldn't go, oh God, he's not that. What's he going on there? Hey, what's he wearing? No, I wouldn't. I would go. You know, he'd go, he's in fancy dress.

He's clearly going to a fancy dress. Unimaginative of cunt who's got unimaginative cunt friends. He's going to a stupid fucking fancy dress party There's no need for the same word for. The thing, it's fucking funny. And it's like, hey, it's funny for a couple of minutes. Hey, what are you as? I'm this. What are you as? I'm this. Well, should we just have a normal night now dressed like a bunch of bellets? You are. Just have a normal night. You are. A miserable bastard.

I'll tell you what I'm going as people. No, can I tell you right now? I don't think you should gum. I don't think you should be allowed often. I don't go out often and to be dictated to what I, what I dress and the fact that it's got to be wacky into a theme upsets us greatly. But I tell you what I'm going as, the movie Gladiator

is on that list and in the movie Gladiator there's a very famous blooper where on one of the scenes not in the Coliseum when he makes it big time just when he's doing the Gladiator Open Mic circuit

when he's in the smaller Coliseum guy there's a cameraman in shot in trainers jeans and a white t-shirt that's what I'm going as. Brilliant. I'll explain that to everyone. I've got to explain it to everyone

and that's it. What are you going to? Comas? Oh alright But I've actually realised by the way because even though I am a boring

horrible miserable sod It's called These are a few of my favourite things and just goes to me Because I'm his favourite client I don't think you are Not with that fucking patter I will be getting

dressed as something I don't know what but I'll be doing some ink Yeah You're just miserable Anyway this is one thing One time when I wish I was about someone else

Yeah you wish you'll mark to someone else just because I won't just because of the one time every three years we're going to ask to go to a fancy dress party you wish you were dressed you wish you were married to someone else yeah just for this I look forward to the judge hearing that and the defors hearing and literally going she's clearly lost her mind all the money to him do you want the children mr ramsie no I don't she can keep the children good can I excuse me can you fast forward to the life that we're living now I don't need a reason to divorce you right so what do you mean I can do it with my own and free will, there doesn't have to be, wow, did you not know this?

No, you do, you've got to go in front of the judge and say why, don't you? No. No? No, not anymore. Oh God. I could just divorce you if I want. I've been banking on that. Oh, you're kidding, as well, I've had me speech written for years.

No, I'm sure. I'd do it every week. You're gaslighting us now because I'm, no, this is a thing. Right, right. Can I just say, disagreeing with you isn't gaslighting you? Shut up. Stop, gaslighting it. Hey, Siri.

Hey, Siri. Can you just get divorced for anything nowadays? Okay, he said. Hey, Siri. Hey Siri. Can you just get divorced for anything nowadays? Rosie, you are talking to Siri in the most jolly way in the world. What's wrong with you?

Hey, Siri. Can you just get divorced for any reason nowadays? No, don't say that. Say to you need a specific reason. Regionalist. Check you can get a divorce. You're married for over in a year. What are the new grounds for a divorce in the UK?

Thinking about divorce. No fault. No fault. Divorce became law in 2022. I wouldn't agree with that though. No fault. I wouldn't agree. I'd say it's her fault because she wants her to go fancy dress and she knew.

She knew the fanciest I've ever dressed is on our wedding day. And I'll never dress fancier than that. I just think, I just think your comedians go on like you're all out there and extrovert. He's on. You're all introverted little. Loser. Damn right. But not enough of a loser that goes

fancy dress and think it's funny. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Right. So you? What's your beef?

Just, I've wrote a dream down the other day and it just flicked on to it all of a sudden from Norway and I just found it a bit strange. Oh, come on then. No. No. Not suitable. It's, uh...

Okay, we've already been dark. I don't want any more that. It's not sexy. It's just grim. I did not think it would be sexy in any way shape of all. I have sexy dreams. Yeah, yeah, bologics. I do sometimes.

Yeah, I dream drink, see a lamp you like. Right, okay. My beef with you is that you won't do fancy dress, but that's separate,

okay. I mean, I will end up doing it, but I'll moan about it all night and you'll have a terrible time. You'll have a terrible time. I won't go, right, I'm not doing this

for the rest of our life. Right. It's fucking the holidays all over again. Every holiday, every holiday, every holiday we get there and you sit by the pool

and all you've done is whinge about the holiday and you've done nothing towards the holiday. Winge, whinge, whinge, winge, winch, winch. Get the kids up. Wind, range, range, range, range. The flight, wind, range, range, range,

get there, unpacked, sitting with the wine. This is brilliant, isn't it? Also, sorry, you're angry that I enjoy the part of the holiday you're supposed to enjoy? I wish you just enjoyed a little bit more of the getting to the holiday. What do you want me to specifically enjoy? The taxi to the airport?

Just the whole thing. Just the whole thing. Hey, what times it? Half three in the morning and I'm up. Mint. Eh? What's this? Hey, hey, look at all these people. Look at these cue.

Look at these cues. Hey, oh, you know what I love? You know what I love? taking laptops and iPads in and out of bags. Fucking love it. Get them out, get them out, get them in. Want this belt off? Want these shoes off? Why, yeah, no problem. Bum, bum, bum. Oh, let's walk through here.

Oh, it smells like all the perfumes. Oh, this is great. This is wonderful. Look at this. Hey, hey. Oh, how long's the flight? Oh, what time do we get here? Oh, it's not for two and a half hours. Oh, great. Well, at least the food's cheap. Oh, it's not. Oh, but at least it's nice.

Oh, it's not nice. Oh, the kids are kicking off. Hey, this is fucking fantastic. Hey, do what else I love? Getting in a big long tin can filled with everyone's and farts. That's great. Hey, where the kids sit, you want to say, hey, now you're going to say, you're at the window, now you're at the window, now you're at the window, now you're at the window, now you at the window. Oh, it's okay, man brought some sandwiches. What's in hers? Egg, fantastic. Love this. Love every second of this. Oh, we're off. Oh, we're off. Oh, we're off. Oh, we're off

fucking hot fucking heat. Oh, we're going to go. Oh, we're going to go. Stay in the bus. Stay in the bus. Stay in the bus. Last person got off. There we're go. Where's our bags? Fucking God knows where our bags are. Oh, there's the bags. Isn't this amazing? There's the bags. Oh, there's the only yet. Oh, there's the last one. Right. tired. The tired never. Of course the tired we got up at half three. And into one of the taxi and to the hotel and that's oh the room's not ready course it's not ready. Excellent.

God I love being on holiday. All of this is brilliant. Oh hold on I'm round the pool on a sun lounger. Oh I don't like this bit as much as all of the other stuff that just happened. I'm relaxing with a drink. Oh get me back in that fucking bus in the piss and hot dick. Dick. You're such a cond.

And I hate your forehead. What's your beef? Are we having a breakdown? Was that your breakdown? That was a breakdown, yeah. Was that your breakdown? Right, okay. My be with you is...

I just can't believe you expect me to like any of that stuff. I just listed. I don't expect you to like it. I don't like it, but I don't expect you to just fucking huff and puffing, puff and whins the whole time. Like, it's just part of life. Like, stop being... You're so spoiled.

You're so spoiled. Honestly. right listen my be with you is I'm trying to get rave to eat better because he doesn't he's just shit like I had to have a chat with his teacher

because he just picks a cheese sandwich every day and just like can we talk about the cheese sandwiches and I'm trying to like what he just asked and he's like what he had to do he's like

he's like he's sandwich except on Friday he has fish and chips I'm like good so I said I said look don't worry because he does

he does eat better at home. He will eat... It's better than other. It's peas. It's broccoli. It's little tomatoes. I never ate any fruit of veg. Do you are really upset this?

Like, he will eat the chicken dinner. He'll eat the ogs of puddings. He will eat the potatoes and he will eat the veg and the great... Like, he does like a dinner, right? But the other day, I was like, right, Rief, they've got it at school. It's just pork. It's like a pork dinner. And he was like, yeah.

And I'm like, it's... You can't... At home. Anyway, I just, whatever. I'm like, I said to his teacher out when, is he eating at all? Is he eating at all? It's just like, yeah, I was like, right, well, I'll make sure he has, doesn't have any cheese sandwiches at all at home or over the weekend.

Anyway, so last, I've tried this start of this new thing, try it Tuesday. Which was lovely, by the way. I try, I'm really tried because we laughed the night before and we went through loads of foods that he could try. And it ended up being funny and I was like cauliflower and he's like, I was saying all these things. Anyway, and Robin got involved because obviously, you know, he just couldn't not.

And he wanted tacos. So we did try, so first of all, first of all, you're a wonderful mom. You're a wonderful mom. And the fact that you're trying to get him to eat more is amazing. We got home from school last night and you'd put a little thing on the door scene. It's try Tuesday.

It's Mexican tacos. Robin and Rayfe, you know. Senio Robin and Signor, it was dead cany that you did it all. It was so lovely. You're trying to get excited. Rief, I've got the phone on my phone. Rief lay face down on the doorstep outside for a good five.

minutes what I told him it was tacos because he was well upset Robin went in Robben was buzzing for tack-woods again tacos get them in the bin not don't know how they're a thing yeah don't know how they're a thing utterly genuinely unless you eat them in the fucking bath I don't know how he's supposed to eat them absolutely ridiculous yeah um tasted great but would I rather I'd rather get that mince hybrid spaghetti in hybrid parmesan on top and just have some spaghetti

yeah I'm all right Robin loved Robin ate low but Robin eats great Robin has like lettuce tomatoes onions he's mint he's mint he's really good good eater. Rief made our tacos. So I was like, oh, he's touching the onions and he's doing all the stuff and then refuse to eat one of his own. But anyway, I managed to get like two spoonfuls of mince in him and he ate them. He did try them and it was really good.

But my beef with you, so my beef isn't with Rave because he's getting there and he's trying. My beef is with you because you had to leave the room because you are triggered. Couldn't do it. Triggered by food. Just by just. What? explain.

So I've got, there's two parts. There's one part of us that's like, you're such a good man, and it's so amazing that you're trying to get this nutrition in him. You try to, you know, get it. And you will, what's the other? They've got to try it 15 times. Well, that's the thing we always say on the internet.

Annoyantly, he has tried it more than that. Yeah, yeah, it's brilliant that you're doing it. But at the same time, it's like that thing of like, you go, I'm making all this for you. You're going to try it. Oh, I doesn't want to try it. I can't believe it doesn't want to try it. I go, I could tell it you didn't want to try it.

And it's just there's two parts One part's like, I'm so proud of you're an amazing man And the other part is why you fucking bother him? Give him a fucking pizza on a pile of broccoli You will eat a pizza You will eat pizza on a pile of broccoli Okay, nutrition right?

What we eat is actually The most important thing You go on about like behaviors Like, you know, for wellness And for health and what, it's so simple What you eat Put good fuel in you

You'll be, you'll feel better And I want my children to, it's massively important to us and it really upsets us that I've got one kid who will eat anything like Robin has always been amazing

muscles, everything it just it just fucking winds us up that rave won't but I can't be there when the screaming's happening I know well it's because

is it because when you were younger you were a terrible eater yeah it was constant yeah but it was like we'll just make your chicken dinner you don't have to eat it don't worry just try it you don't have to eat it

tried it. Oh, I don't like it. You still don't like it! I fucking knew. So in the end, I would go, they'll go, we're just gonna, we're gonna make it, will you try and I go, no.

I go, I don't make it. Do not make it because it'll just end. I'm young at this point, young. I know it'll end up in a fucking screaming match. Well, that's, no, but I didn't scream at him. You didn't, you were brilliant. So that's a difference. I think,

that's the difference. But it was like, all I wanted, he got. I'll be better next time. I'll be better next time. It just brought up some shit. And I didn't like it.

Just brought up some shit. Okay. So you can imagine last night of dinner. I had Robin doing videos of himself on my phone eating his taco. Because he's fucking Americans going on and talkos all the time on YouTube. And I had rave crying and then I had you trigger. I was just getting to get me out of there. It's like a crisp sandwich but instead of the bread,

it's like a crisp sandwich but the bread's on the inside and the crisps on the outside. Yeah, I don't like them at all. Okay, and awful. What a stupid. Them pockets are about there. They're the same company, but they do them pockets. With where it's like... Tortilla.

Yeah. They're much better. Yeah. Well, next week, Robin wants burritos. So... Motherf-f- Guys, our rave is not going to do well with a burrito. I'm going to fill the paddling pool with lukewarm water.

We're all going to eat them in the paddling pool. Because it's just the fucking mess is unbelievable. Right, that's what upset you more. That as well. Every bite... The mess. You bite it, more goes on the floor. So what?

You can clear it. They can clear it up. I never told you about the time, me and Carl Hutchinson. were doing a gig and were backstage and it was in like it was a room above a pub and the pub had brought

with like a platter of sandwiches and the promoter came in and he was standing talking to her and he was like oh I was all right if I grab a couple of sandwiches and he got a couple of sandwiches and he started talking to her

and he was eating the sandwich and I'm not and he's like he's talking away and he was like um he's eating the song and talking about and me and Carl both just stood in silence

mouth's open, staring at this man as, I am not exaggerate when I say 60% of the sandwich went on the floor while he was eating it and he'd done three in a row and then he was like, right? And he walked out and the door shut and I turned a carl and I just went,

what the fuck was that? And Carl was the same like, well look like it would see in a ghost. Both were like, ah, just shot and I look the fucking floor. I've never seen so much food on the floor. It was like, it was like, you know, when you put your hand flat and you feed a horse and the guy, right, and the fucking guys,

It was like that. But we stopped And I remember thinking He came back in He told with a running order He told me how the night Was gonna go And I took none of it in

Because I was just like None of that's going in his fucking mouth None of the car was the same I went did you hear any of what he said He went no he went I was just watching the sandwich at the floor Why'd have to ask someone else? Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Babadu Babadu Babadu Babadu Babadu

Babadu Babadu Babu Babu It's time for questions from the public Public Public As always if you like Get in touch with anything at all doesn't have to be a question, it can be a story, it can be something that's popped into your mind

off all the other different things we've spoke about. The email address that you need is shagged, married, annoyed at gmail.com. That's the one. We've had loads of, like, teacher memories. Great. Because we talked last week or the week before about my French teacher

who kept getting locked up in the cupboard. Yes, and then we had the fantastic thing with the crown. Oh, yes. That was it, Henry the 8th. I have told so many people that. I've told people who don't listen to the podcast. who I know don't listen to the podcast and I go, we had the same idea you need to listen to this. And, oh, brilliant.

Thank you again. Gorgeous. It was amazing, amazing. Just watched last week's episode and thank you for mentioning the teacher being locked in the cupboard. I went to the same school as you. Must have, yeah.

And have been telling my fiancé this for years. He didn't believe me. I was buzzing when I got to show him you telling this story. This, it's, I don't remember this, but there's another memory here, right? I don't know whether that's just some sort of urban legend of school.

it says can you also remember the teacher who would draw students' faces on the filing cabinet in marker and then proceed to punch the cabinet I don't remember that right so that for me I can completely get on board that I've met kids kids a dickhead

if you told me if you put two teachers in front of me and one teacher I just love them I love changing the young lives and yes they can be a bit difficult but you know we get through it or your other teacher goes sometimes the pisses off so much

I draw the faces on a filing cabinet I'll punch a filing cabinet I'll go I relate more with you than I do the first one But just to They shouldn't really be teaching No, they shouldn't The first one's a better person

And a better teacher And a better human being all round All I'm saying is I relate more to the second one But I don't remember this I think they must be younger than me Because that's a new one Or older

It's got to be an art teacher It's got to be an art teacher Yeah No not art I think that's maths But I'm talking about the skill to draw the face. Oh, okay, right.

But how many final cameras you got? Is it wipe off? There's so many questions. I don't think it's true. It's fucking great story. I think that's like possible. I saw me old teacher the other night. Yes.

Oh, inside number nine. Oh, we haven't even spoke about Inside Number nine. Oh, that was fun, won't it? So good. So anyone does know Inside Number nine, the amazing show by Steve Permanent and Rishi Smith who did of League Gentlemen fame.

Yes. It's on I play out. There's nine series or something phenomenal. It's almost like, a theatrical non-technology black mirror in the way that I don't know, I don't even know how to describe it, that episodes are funny and silly,

but dark, and some of them are fucking scary. The theatre show was made. It was amazing, but you were a special guest one night and I was a special guest one night. I was really nervous. I was like, when I met them, I was like struttled around me words. Yeah, I was a bit starstruck.

It doesn't happen often. No. It doesn't happen often, but I was a little bit starstruck when I met them. I was a lot, and then I went on. stage there was one one time one minute when I was shouting at steam Steve Pemberton and I was just looking at him and he had these horrible like goofy teeth in

and he's like this yeah yeah and I grew up watching a niger gentleman and in that moment I was just like I can't believe this is happening it was bizarre it was a really cool did you I just thought it was a really cool moment yeah and well I remember being worthy of it no definitely not but I remember being backstage and there Paul the guy who was looking after us who was lovely bloke he was like oh just go out and just like you know just make them laugh at and stuff when you're on stage. I try and see if you can,

you know, make them crack. I'm like, fucking comedy royally in our country. And you want me to just off the cuff say if I can make them. Are you serious? I didn't get a panic attack, but it was great. If you can get tickets for the inside number nine live show,

it's called Fright Night. Bright Night, sorry, yeah. Unreal if there's any tickets in any way, it's going all over the country. It's phenomenal. Really good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

Following on from your conversations about teachers dressing up, It unlocked a memory about a head teacher where you had a primary school who used to wear full-on school uniform every day. Like a giant people. Yeah, grey trousers, white shirt,

stripedy school tie and a navy sweatshirt with the school logo on it. Wow. The headmaster. That's gross. Wow. That is... Is it grossed or is he representing?

That's gross. You reckon? How do you get told off by a bit, just a big other thing. It's disgusting. It's big. Remember the film? Big. Yeah.

It's horrible. How'd you get told off by it? I know. I'd just be stood there thinking, even at a young age, I remember thinking, ew. Eke.

Yeah. Well, we've talked about this before about how damaged I was. Oh, your dad. I'm in the school jumper. Picking us up in that. I'd literally be like, just back in the car.

Fantastic. Hey, I'll tell you what. I don't think we embarrass our kids as much as my dad embarrass me. But imagine this school though, imagine getting sent at the headmaster's office. And you go in and you're like, you stand outside for a bit, then you're not going to,

you're not really at all. Come in and you go in and he's on just a little table, same as yours, and he's on a little chair. And he's like, right, okay. And he goes, he's got that, you know, the plastic tree used to have, and he's got the plastic tree.

He's got nothing big in the whole room. I think he's awful. I think he's all. Prison! I don't like him at all. Wow. I don't like that at all. Wow.

She is not impressed. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, bah. This is, yeah, dear Chris and Rosie. Just listen to the last week's episode where the French teacher got locked in the cupboard and it sparked a memory of my French teacher being just as pathetic, must be a French teacher thing. We'll never know.

I was talking to mate, the idea about, like, French. Well, first of all, big shout-out and big commiserations to anyone who spent their entire education learning different languages because now AirPods and meta glasses can just translate

on the fly. Yeah but it's still good to know. It's still amazing to know to be fair, but must be irritating. And it was, I would have stuck at languages. French and Spanish

I learned at school, a little bit of German. We were French and German. We didn't do Spanish. I would have stuck at them, but the minute it goes from tourist French to grammar

and the laws of grammar and verbs and that. Gone. Yeah, same. Gone. I didn't take any of it in. Where's the bakery? Fucking get me on this.

Where's the beach? Where's the disco tech? Yeah. What do I want on me pizza? Fucking, I'm all over that. Saved. Pass participles and fucking... I know.

Feminine and me. And get out, get out of here. Yeah, I couldn't tell you now. Furnay La Bush. You know, I've seen Robin doing a fraction, like a... You know, like they're adding and taking away, but you put it on, the numbers on top of each other. I'm so...

impressed. Honestly, he was doing his homework and I was just like, this is mega. He did it. He just did it. No. I am shitting my pants for him getting proper homework. I know. I know. Shitting my pants. He literally, he's, he literally, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, and I was it. What was the adverbs and what, what is the adverb or something in this sentence? And I literally, I asked him, I went, what's the sentence? typed in the chat, GPT. Yeah, no. And I said, what other, and it went, oh, it's these two, and I went, why, and I told us, and I went, yes, guess what? Not only have I forgot why,

or what they are, I forgot what the question was. But that's quite basic stuff. He's not like getting special work. This is just year five stuff. We're fucked. That's what I'm saying. We're completely fucked. When he comes back with GCSE maths.

Hello? Uncle Carl. I know. Carludgeon, bang, straight on the phone. My staff teaches year six. I'll ring you. Brilliant. Right, listen.

Back to this. It all starts back in 1997, the last year of my senior school. And we were waiting for the last GCSE to finish so that our friends who were sitting there, could finally come out and we could celebrate with bunking off

the last lessons for a bottle of 2020 and a four pack of hooch on the park bench. Outstanding. Good old days. We've all heard the stories of what usually happens

on the last day of terms such as setting the fire alarm off, etc. But we wanted to be legendary status. Something that would outlive our time at the school and be muttered in whispers

for future generations about a prank so good that it would become folklore for our children who would one day come to us and ask about it and we would tell them with a tear in one eye

that yes, it was your dad that did this amazing thing. This is fantastically written. And this alone would promote our children at the height of popularity that all the cool kids were wanting to be their friends just for knowing them.

Wow. This is big, okay? The problem was, most pranks had been done and they were at best average. Right. So a cutting plan was hatched between the three amigos

that were waiting for the final bell and this was the fruit of our thoughts that eventually got us excluded from school, even though we were due to leave in two hours. That's amazing. Well, this is like when I got held back for shouting in the corridor and I got held back for the last day and I had to sit in a class. It's horrible.

The last day of your school, you know? I'd signed out. I'd signed out. And I went in the corridor and I went, I'm, me me away. We're free! And some teacher dragged in and made we sit in the class for an hour with the year sevens. It was pathetic. I remember when I was at school, I watched the bigger kids and even I thought they're cool.

I remember sitting in that class looking at all the year sevens going, I could just get up and walk out now. I've been signed out, but I've sat here for an hour. It was devastating. That's a power thing, though, isn't it? I felt like a right loser. Yeah. You're still here.

Did your teachers like you at all? No. No, I didn't think they did. No. One teacher liked me. One, maybe two teachers. Right. Definitely one.

Right, okay. So the plan was this, don't you hear? Our school playing field backed on to a main road, and the other side of the road was a farmer's field that had sheep in it. I like where this is going. The plan was to bunk off, go through the hole in the fence and kidnap three sheep and let them loose in the school corridors.

Now this seems pretty extreme at best and this would probably be something that would be mentioned for a while but here's the clever bit which would deem us legends and I'll take credit for this as it was a moment of pure genius. I'm really impressive. We got some poster paint from the art supply cupboard

and when the sheep were in the field we painted on them the numbers one, two and four before setting them loose. That's clever. This genuinely had the school teachers looking for number three for the rest of the day.

Shut up man. And no work was done by any children. Plus when our friend came out of his exams who was pissing himself, laughing as all he could hear in a deathly quiet exam hall was bah. No way. They did it.

They did it. And they've wrote one, two and four. That's the cleverest thing I've ever heard in my life. So the teachers have been looking for the third sheep. Wow. very good this was just the icing on the cake though we didn't realise this but our French teacher

was petrified of sheep and passed out with fear sorry you can't you can't just skim over passed out with fear you nearly swallowed those words passed out with fear and that's got nothing to do with them being a French teacher that's not fair to see all French teachers are pathetic because yours was terrified of

right but yours got locked in the cupboards well that's just two French teachers Right, okay. You know? Yeah. That's not fair. Petrovide's sheep and passed out with fear,

so an ambulance had to be called for her as well. Holy shit. Yeah. That's incredible. All the best, and let's hope Robin and Rafe don't do worse. I really hope kind of do and don't, I don't know. I'd be impressed, but I would have to... I'm impressed that they caught the sheep.

I'm impressed that they managed to paint on the sheep. I'm impressed with the leaving the number three out, very clever. I'm really impressed that the French teacher passed. How frightened of... What a day. Who's frightened of sheep? well I think it's a fear them she's so in my head all I'm doing is I'm picturing them sheep

running around my school because I don't know what any other school looks like I just know what my school looked like oh that would have been class imagine fuck imagine that man that would have been it would have been mint been shit everywhere it would have been so exciting so exciting sheep on the loose at school

we know what it was like when a dog came in how old man mental mental it was even more mental when it was someone's dog who was at the school. Hey, that's, hey, that's my dog! Miss, hey, that's my dog! He's just over the road. Dogs just come to see them.

So jealous. I think we've talked about before, but I was always so jealous of the person I don't even over the road from the school. Yeah. Oh, I was just walking out straight back in. I know. I know.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and a mayor too lived on the street of the school. Oh, God, that's the dream. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo, ba. Hey, Rosie and Chris. Longtime listener and also raging, Chris doesn't have a Belfast show on his tour.

But hey. I tried, genuinely tried, tried very, very hard. It's just the rooting and the, you know, if it's, I tried for the day before or the day after Dublin, if you'll actually look on me tour, there's a day off the day after Dublin, where I tried to get a Belfast in, but it wouldn't work. Was it there as booke doesn't?

Availability, just wasn't available. Just watching this week's podcast, yes, I watch now, well done, the audacity of it. And hearing Rosie say they used to lock their teacher in a cupboard reminded me of an old art teacher we had. She used to weirdly teach with her eyes closed. A habit we never fully got to the bottom of, but as we got older, GCSE and A-level,

we loved seeing her on the timetable because as the last lesson went on, one by one we would try and sneak out of the room until she noticed something was going. Go and fuck off. It was always a fight for the chair closest to the door to be the first out and popped to the common room or the computer suites and pretend you had a free period.

Wow. of these that might be a confidence thing it's a thinking thing as well do you think do that when you're trying to get a word out

and you shut your eyes maybe yeah I think a lot of people shouldn't be teachers right do you never do that do you never like

try and think of something like yeah ridiculous did you see us did I get away you know the stupidest thing

I can't believe I played along actually for those listening you know what's going to do it does the eyes and you know

I didn't do well When I was at college, we had a teacher. And most of my friend, Catherine, I did a couple of times, which she used to. She all the time used to crawl out the lesson and just fuck off. Crawl? Crawl.

What lesson? It was English literature. How? I don't know. He just wasn't really paying that much attention. And she would just crawl out. I did it a couple of times. What about when the door opened?

Door was open. What if someone was walking? What if a teacher was walking? Yeah, okay. Well, turn around now. Just turn around. Turn around. You're talking and you're teaching the class and you're looking at the wall. The wall of the blackboard.

Winter. What you're doing on the floor? Get up. So it can be done. It can't be done. I saw you. It was done. I'm telling you right now. I crawled out of his lesson a couple of times. And it was honestly, it was freeing. Two seconds. Stop the podcast there. Guys, we've got her. We've finally got her. She's just admitted it. Come on in. Here's your teacher. You might not recognize. Here he is.

She admitted it. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marginoid. And also thank you to all of you who have listened to, please keep me anonymous. And I appreciate this. And watched. I can't keep up. There's so many different mediums and ways to digest whatever the fuck this is. I'm sick of doing your tan.

Sick of doing your tan. Brilliant. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a part of it. If you want to get in touch with anything at all, It is shined, Marrieneoid at jmail.com. And don't forget, there's still some tickets for my tour,

which starts next year. Ramping up now, doing my work and progress shows, getting very excited. Stockton and Manchester were just added. A few tickets left for some other ones, but it's basically nearly sold out, so be quick. I can't wait, because my mom's coming to stay with us, loads. Excellent.

Mom and Kate are, like taking turns to stay with us. Woo! I don't like being by myself. Fair enough. It's just nice because Sandra makes tape, so. Very good. And we'll be back in your ears, and your vile, repulsive little eye sockets.

next week. Bye. Bye.