Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Hot And Heavy

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

It's the first SMA of December which means it's decoration time! Rosie and Chris discuss Christmas trees, Chris' weekend away, a present from last year and an unusual use for medical syringes. There are also some dinner and bin based beefs plus QFTP involving bubble wrap, a driving instructor and a very very VERY bad commute. Keep sending your brilliant stories to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode. As well as many, many other things, we chat about breakfast stress. School pubes. That sounds a lot worse than what it is. Actually, it's actually quite bad. We go deep, deep in a bubble wrap. And we also tell you the story

of the worst commute ever. Definitely up there. Yeah, all, mate. If this had happened to me, I would not have mentally or physically recovered by now. Never. And the story this lady wrote in was 15 years ago. Yeah, oh, she's still scored.

Enjoy. Hello, you're listening. to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, my husband Christopher Ramsey, you're also watching. Hello, YouTubers. You're watching it, and we've got all, Christmas deckies up. Yay!

How exciting? It looks lush, isn't it? It does look lush on camera. It looks very nice on camera. In reality, I mean, they are outdoor ones that are supposed to go on a house and they've just been ragged across the back of the thing. We've found them in the loft.

They were extra. What? You know, sorry, I remember a couple of years ago, I was full of promise. I was full of hope. I bought them in the shop, in the garden centre, and I thought, I'll bloody go up that ladder and I'll get them nailed onto the side of our house

and they've been in a box for fucking years. I would love to be one of them people who like decorates the outside of the house really nice. But I just can't be asked. It must take forever, man. I mean, it's not even that. It's the storage throughout the year that I find stressful. Where are they keeping all that shit? Well, no, there's companies that come and do it.

No, no, but I mean people who just do it, you know, people, normal fellas who just make the house fucking man. I mean, you see the ones that go viral where it's like, oh, he's a light technician for cold play and he does this to his house and you go, well, yeah. But I mean, like, you know, the salt of earth, normal fucking bloke, taxi driver or something, but at Christmas he makes his house fucking nuts.

Yeah. Where is that shit all year? Are you, like, you know, are you eating off boxes full of shit all year? It's in the garage. They've got a really, really organised garage and it's in a box on the side, on a crate. Hate him, hate them, yeah.

We just don't have, I don't have time. I don't have time to, like, live, never mind, do, like, decorate. We've put one Christmas tree up because the kids begged. Sorry, not to sound horrifically privileged, but we do have three. Yes. Because we've got, you know, one in the hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One in one sitting room, one in the, one in the posh sitting room, one in the family sitting room. Exactly. One that the kids are allowed to do, one that we have to do, and one that's already pre-done and just get out of the box. But we've just put one up. And honestly, Chris, I don't think we'll end up with the other two up. I think that's it. We've got, there's not one wreath.

There's not one garland. We'll just put it up to shut up. them up? Yeah. It's, well, then I want my little houses up.

I do like my little houses. Right, okay, tell me when you're going to put them up. That's a very good, but we've got a very busy, we have got a very,

very busy December, yeah, yeah, we've got a very, very busy December, that's actually upsetting. I've said it before, I'll say it again, we are just not, what happened is two unorganised

fucking gobs shite, show off toss pots have married each other. And I've said it before, the most, the most jealous I get of someone is when I'm in the hairdressers and someone is leaving the hairdressers

and on the way, out they go, can I book for that six weeks' time at 10 o'clock? And I want to go, teach me how you do this. Because if I book that, I could book that, we can all book that. I'd fucking phone up that week of it and go, I'm sorry, I didn't I, I'd book this in, I need to cancel it. Some people have a lot more structured lives than we do.

That's a problem. There's no structure. There's no structure. But I've never had structure and you know what's mad. If I had structure. You'd be bored as fuck. Yeah, you'd be in that way. So, yeah.

And the grass is always going around the other side. Leave is going to know that you want to drive. Yeah, you're all that. So yes, listen, it's Christmas is well and true. It's 11-11. It's 11-11. As this goes out, it's the 5th of December. If you haven't got your tree up yet, congratulations, well done.

We get caved and put ours up on the 29th, which hurt. It hurt so much. And we're away, so. Well, there we'll go. And there it is. But listen, thank you for watching. If you are watching on YouTube, please consider click and subscribe. Smash that subscribe button.

It would be really, really helpful if you did, again, just to get to the 100,000 so I can have the plaque. And I say I want to give it to Robin. think I actually want to taunt him with it and rub it in his face because he wants to be a YouTuber. I mean, the fact that he's currently banned from watching YouTube is hilarious. Yeah, if we get that, that would really rub it in his face. Yeah, quick story, walked in his room, heard YouTubers talking,

told a sexist joke, turned it off, told him you couldn't watch it again, that was that. Sisters, I'm an ally. He is an ally. I'm an ally. Rackett's terrified of my wife. Because you know what she's like? Sorry. That just says to me that.

he was watching it for too long and he went he just got really deep in it yeah he clocked it he completed all a bit too one it was it was Mrs, it was sexism time always heard a lot even worse things than that and I happen to just randomly walk in on one of them I mean but who knows you could lose something he's doing all right though he's fucking fantastic he's much about when he hasn't

watched YouTube I think all the kids are now listen his behaviour actually has improved yeah we know this all the time you get get them off rule blocks get them off YouTube you get your kid back yeah but then they're wrong quite a bit of there are Harry, listen. Yeah, you get them back what it's like full time.

Listen, thank you for listening, thank you for watching and all of that. We really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it's time for this week. So I'm just looking at me. If you're watching on the video, I'm looking at me phone because I forgot my iPad, what I normally read off. It's, I don't know where it is.

I was watching something in Bever with last night, but I don't know where I've put it. Now, listen, it is time for this week's lucid. Look, do a sponsor. Now, an incredible thing happened to me. It was about four days ago. Oh. I went to the bat of my cupboard,

and I found a Christmas present that I hadn't used and I looked at the bottle and I couldn't believe what I was seeing and this is the sponsor. From me? I'm going to put money on that. It was from your dad. Just for what it looked like, for what it was.

This week's lucrative sponsor and a lot of people out there won't know that this exist and this blew my mind and I'll tell you why. This week's a look at a sponsor is hair and body wash, shampoo and conditioner in one.

Oh yeah, like a... Oh yeah. Oh! Yeah. Have you any idea The time I am saving in the shower? Right. Oh, do you know what?

This is upsetting, right? It's unbelievable. Can I tell you, I'm sorry to put in, okay? That's fine. Am I allowed to put in on my own podcast? No. So the time up, yeah, you can. I saw this in Marxes

And I nearly got you one for Christmas. I want one. Get us two. Get us ten of them. Okay. I will never go back. Give me 40 more. I will never go back to separate.

Separate? Separate. Separate. Separate. I thought you would hate it. How much? How much time have you got lit? Right, I've done the maths. Okay.

Must be very greasy. It's slick. Doesn't matter. Listen. Parts of my body are soft and softer than they normally are and my hair is not as soft as it normally is, but it's fine. I'm going to get used to it.

Listen, okay. Let's say 10 seconds to locate and pick up the bottle of whatever you're using and dispense it into your hands, okay? Yeah. Let's say 10 seconds. 10 seconds. I'm being, you know, just your fumbling.

Oh, if you drop it, right? Or if you fumble it, or if you stop, you know. 10 seconds to pick up and dispense whatever you've got, right? 30 seconds to wash yourself with it, right? So I say I've covered both bases. I've made one a bit longer, I'm one a little bit shorter, so we're sort of mids halfway, right?

So that's 40 seconds, right? You're doing that three times. You're picking up the shampoo, you're doing that, you're doing that, yeah, okay? You're following us now? Yeah. Now, I'm doing that once, right?

Not thrice, I'm doing that once. I'm picking up and doing it once. I'm saving one minute 20 per shower. Wow. Let's say I'm showering once a day, right? Just to be safe here, just to lowball it, right? That's 1 minute 20 a day that I'm saving.

That's 80 seconds a day that I'm saving. That's 9 minutes, 30 a week. Rosie, it's 8 hours a year. 8 hours. No, I might have done that wrong. It's not 8 hours a year. Hold on, 9 minutes a week. I mean, if it is, that's not that impressive.

No, 9 times 50. 450. Divided by 60. Nine minutes a week is how far I've got on the maths. The rest of the maths has fallen as, down. Nine minutes. Right.

No, no, no, that's right. So nine times 52. Come on, we're all still here. 486. So that's 486 minutes. Yeah. That's four, right. So then you divide that by 60.

That's seven point eight hours. Yeah. Eight hours. It's eight hours. I was right. You did it again. Your stupid face put us off. I say the same during sex.

Look over there. Your stupid face. I couldn't finish. Your steward face. Eight hours of year. I could learn a language. which eight hours a year. Don't.

Don't because because you remember when we went to Greece for our honeymoon and you told the guy the hotel I think we've mentioned this but Chris told the guy the hotel we're going to come back for our 30th and I'm going to speak Greek.

And he went really? And I went yeah. And I have never went back to that hotel nor will I ever go back. That is such an ick. Why did I marry you? Oh, we were married then actually. honeymoon. I was fully locked in.

I think I'll I will as well. Well, we both were like full of fucking champagne, full of honeymoon, think more amazing. Yeah, we'll come back. We'll be back here. Yeah, yamas. Four years speaking fluent Greek,

dickhead. Malacca. Yeah. Bless you. Oh, gosh. Eight hours. What are you going to do with it? I don't know.

Wank. Oh, great. Eight hours, solid. Eight hours a year. Oh my gosh, I was watching a little YouTube, Instagram clip the other day. I think it was J.K. Barrier. Mary. And she was interviewing a porn store. And the guy, he was Jordie, unfortunately.

My man. Oh, not unfortunately. Just always seems to just, every time I see a clip of a Jordie, it's just something rotten. Well, yeah, I mean, Jeremy. I'm, you know, I hoard these things in the boot and me go. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it was always, whenever you turn Jeremy Kyle or Trish on and they were fucking throwing punches, they were always. Anyway, it's a lush up here, so whatever. Oh, don't slag in the North East off. Love it. But, you know, sometimes, you know, I, I, I, I, I mean, dare I say it, there'll be people listen to us and go, are them two people who talk about shagging and wanking and all that? Oh, they're dragging the area down there.

You never know. I think you'll find this is an actual very high brow. I've got a gingham top on, for God's sake. Can I finish me story? Yeah, but I've got a quick story about Jeremy Kyle. I've ever told this. I've ever told about the fact that I was once watching, before I went to all sports once for a shift during the summer holidays

when I was working all sports in South Wales, rest in peace. I was watching Jeremy Kyle. I'm sure I've told this. Apologies if I have. I was watching Jeremy Kyle. And there was a Georgie on Jeremy Kyle, this young lad and he was like, I don't know,

I'll get a paternity test or whatever and he was fucking scrapping and shouting and swearing. I got on the bus to go down to South Shields and he was on the bus. Shut up. It was unbelievable.

There was a couple of them where I used to work in a nursery in Fenham and there was, about three families had been on. Wow. It was like a thing. Wow.

And they're like buzzing. And oh, how are we being on? And yeah, it was the same family that got told off wearing onesies to pick their kids up. Right. Yeah. When onesies were really,

Your comfort price on comfort. Listen. What was I saying? Oh, it's actually rank. He's a porn star. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was saying that they fake, you can't watch porn anymore

because he just knows how fake it is. Right. But like us watching TV programs and you go, well, that's being produced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was saying that a lot of the cum shots, if you've had like, you know, three scenes a day, the cum shots,

they use a little, like, cal ball syringe. Maybe take a syringe, more of that. And they just put lube down the bottom of the penis. And then the cum shot is just, It's just lube coming out. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry, they put it down the end of the...

Yeah. The squirt lube down the end of the man's paint... Yeah, I'm sorry. Cut the camera away, squirt the lube, put it back, and it'll go, oh, and it'll just be lube coming out. That's... Fuck it. I didn't know they put it down the end. Well, how... Where else they're going to put it?

Well, maybe put it underneath and film from above, so it looks like it's firing out. I don't know. It just comes out. It just... done. Like, what, what? It doesn't always have to squirt, does it? It'll not work on the camera.

Watch me, swallow my phone. Yeah, that does look quite good. We just went down the side, well, just went down the side of me, like, I don't know, I don't know the ins and out of the porn world. Anyone, no, I'm telling you, right, listen, we had weirdly, maybe mates were, we stayed at a cottage at the weekend, and had a couple of drinks and beers and that. We were... Practising you come, Shots were you?

Well, no, it just, I don't know why I'm saying this, but it's... Well, I'm not about different things. on all over the place. We've got loads. You can spare a caroling, just will we snide. I don't know how we got on with it, but I was half drunk when I was sitting talking, we're watching the football,

having a few bottles. And I remember the sentence, one of my mates said, people who stick things down the end of the knob make me want to die. That was his exact sentence. And I spat my beer out. I was laughing that much

because it came from nowhere but there. So that's, wow. Do you know what is? I thought this was going to be quite a lighthearted Christmas. No, we've gone full in. I mean, this, yeah, but this is what people do. It's a business. Man.

Business. Listen, if you're a pawn store and you put stuff down the end of your penis, for your own, HR, or unionise, for fuck's sake, unionise. Part of the job. Well, it's like the squirt shots. It's just wee. I don't think it's we. A lot of the time it is we. They just drink loads and then they're just we and then squirted everywhere.

Is this a Christmas special? I, bring back, can remember, can remember Smellivision for, was it children in need or was it comic relief? I did Smellar Vision back in the day. It was Noel Edmund's house party and you had to buy the scratch cards. And then you smelled what they were. That was such a good.

Oh God, I loved that. Was it crap? Yes. Right. Well, I had the best time. Yes.

It was up there like, I mean, go to the, hey, look coffee. Go to the cupboard and open the coffee. Oh, we've all smelled coffee as a nation. Everyone smelled the same.

But you had to, every time they'd got to a bit different part of the show, you would scratch it off and you would sniff. And it was just, that was wonderful. Smeller vision. Let's do that again, because I think our kids would enjoy that.

There's a producer, I listen to this now going, yes, let's bring back Smellivision. Anyway, that's why they've never done it for porn because all you were built to smell is piss, Carl Pulse Arringe, Phil, Jizz, lube, gooch, arse, sweat and breath. Ugh. Dried spit stinks so much.

Like, what are they doing, man? It's just pure breath. Anyway, welcome to the show. Hello! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the way We had a fight about the jingle Jingle Jingle

We couldn't set along a jingle Jingle jingle So this is the jingle Jingle jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bao Jingo

Hello welcome back joy to the world Yes Lovely to have you with us Hello hello how are you I'm good today actually This is the good week I'm on my good, good week. Listen, I had quite a stressful morning, I'll be honest with you.

You've been, I had to ask if you are all right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Well, I tell you what, because obviously I wake up and I do the kids breakfast. And I hope that when they're older, they remember and they appreciate the fact that their dad did them a cook breakfast every morning. Oh, yeah, you do a little omelette. It's nice. And Robin gets a fried egg and some toast.

Our children do not need heightened blood sugars. Yeah, they don't need fucking sugary. I'm not saying them against sugary cereal and all that. You know, fucking hell, I haven't fuss up by that. But not in the morning. I'd make sure they get an egg in them. How are you boiled egg downers? I had to do that this morning with no kitchen roll.

We ran out of kitchen roll. Is that what's upset you? No kitchen roll? Have you ever fucking tried to make any kind of fried food without kitchen roll? Yeah. It's fucking, it's literally impossible. It was horrible. So I've got, I'll get the pan out. Well, the pan was left on the side because you did an egg last night.

I'd normally wipe the pan with, kitchen roll I had to do it with a sponge that upsets and then I sprayed the oil in and then what I do is I spray the oil and I heat it up and then I'd get the excess off and then I put it it was just everything and I'm making coffee I got my coffee machine I couldn't do the thing and I know people say it's bad for the environment but people just pick when people are slag off something that's bad for the environment they just pick the thing that they don't use right so there be footload of people are there who go just use a cloth that's bad for the environment right well helicopter has a bad I've never took a helicopter so I'll slag them off

do you know what I mean without kitchen rule it was like cook with one arm behind me fucking back. It was awful. Doesn't take much of tip you over the edge, does it? No, it doesn't, it really doesn't. I remember once. I knew there's something wrong with you. I remember once when I stayed at my mate's house

when he lived at Union, I made a full English breakfast on the morning and there was no kitchen roll and I had to do it with Bog Row and it was the saddest moment. One of the saddest moments. Well, listen, let's swap the jobs. Right. No, I don't want to swap the jobs. Right.

Well, then. Because you get your lying, you get your coffee. Then you get their clothes on because of the night. You are literally in bed till midday. But you get them ready for. I get them ready. That's the job of God. The teeth brushing and the shoes and the ties and it's,

I think, I do think you've got the easier option. I'm not going to, no, no, because I'm up straight away. Immediately I'm awake and I'm fighting. Well, let's swap.

Right, but I'm immediately awake and fighting about what are you having for breath? What do you want? What are you having? Why'd you ask them? So I didn't this morning actually. Just giving it? We started asking for mad stuff and I was like,

you're just having a fucking omit. What was he asked about? Uh, you wanted, what did he wanted? Oh, you want a pancake? Of course you wanted a pancake. It's all he fucking wants. pancakes. It's unbelievable.

That's a weekend food. It's ridiculous. It's a weekend. I mean, it's brilliant. We've got them ready-made ones, but they're sugary as fuck. I know. Yeah, it's a treat.

It's literally a cake. God, have they had them? Yeah. God, they're lush on them. Oh, you do them prispy? Oh, ready-meat. Oh, God and forget about it. I love art.

Do you know what it is? Get that pancake syrup down the end of my noggin, Cal Pals thing and I'll spray it all over my own pancake. Spray it on my pancake. Sorry, did I say that out loud. I love pancakes, me. He has another thing, right? Yes.

So your mom is adamant that we need a new toaster. She could know what it is? The bread that we've got just doesn't toast very well. That's all it is. She's absolutely adamant. I'm sorry, what happens in our house and what we have? Has nothing to do with her. She uses the toaster quite a bit.

So she said it was this morning. She said, we need a new, you need a new toaster. And I went, I don't think we do. Like, I'm all right with it. She went, well, yeah, but the number that I put it on is different from my number at home. I have to put it on. So she puts it on a one at hers at home, and it does the toast perfectly,

but you've got it, if you want the toast, rinsed at hours, you've got to put it on like a four. Yeah. And I was talking about it, and we both came to the conclusion that there is no universal measurement

for toastiness. And there needs to be. There is not, because I used to think it meant minutes. No. It doesn't mean the numbers on the side of the toaster. They don't mean minutes. I saw, weirdly,

I saw a thing online once where someone had timed it and he put it a one and it was all different, like the two wasn't two minutes, it was miles over two minutes and all that. Not timing. It's like levels of toastiness. Okay, but there's no, Well, but then, let's live in a communist country then.

Oh, you went straight to that, did you? You went straight to that. You went straight to that. I just think this should be your level. All right, then, but then what's going to happen is you can get a toaster for 15 quid. You can get a toaster for probably 150 quid. One is going to probably be better than the other. But if you want them to all be the same, you're not going to be able to buy your cheaper version or a more expensive version.

You're going to have to buy, we'll turn into a communist country. Right, no. And I don't want to. You're not going to ever get the same. You're never going to get the same. I don't want to get the same washing machine. I'm not saying I want a company, right? I can't.

I can't. I don't wear a uniform. Don't you know what I mean. But all I'm saying is have. You don't know what communist countries. I don't want to news. Have just let's all just have the same toaster. Let's every company stop and let's have one centralized company that just makes the toaster.

But that's not going to be. Paid for by the people. It's going to be, controlled by the state. I don't know what communism means. I was going to say, shut up. No, but then it's going to be,

you're never going to be able to buy your budget toaster. a budget toaster or a high-end toaster because if they're all the same they'll all be the same price in the middle and that's not fair either way

because it would be cheap for rich people and expensive for people who are okay yeah so so as all different and you know what it is

Sandra is just gonna have to stand there for two minutes and keep an eye on it and she's gonna have to shut a hole I was just I was just about I was just about to say, do you think some kind of political expert could listen to this and take the part?

And in a way, it would be as if we were talking in code about the running of the country. And I think maybe up until the point of Sandra going to shut a fucking hole and just watch it toast. It could have worked. I think it might have worked right up until that point. Yeah. I love you, ma'am. I'm sorry. I really do love her.

But you kind of be coming around telling us how to live our life and what toast ought to have. Like, you know what I mean? She's a very wise woman. I listen to a lot of things. Now listen, I haven't been a flu jab but I am thirsty. I had my flu jab and I was not thirsty at all so there you go.

Didn't have a proper one, did you? Did you ever tell them when I got my flu jab? By the way, we've just been getting flu jobs because I had flu a couple of years ago and I don't ever want it ever again. So I don't want to say what I'm going to say because I don't want to jinx it but you all know what I'm alluding to here

about flu and my lack there here of but kind of said it. What? What are you saying? that doesn't matter. I've alluded to with people who get it they get it,

people who don't, they don't. I, we've got a lot, weirdly we've got a lot on and then my only bad thing about Christmas is you go,

you know, you're like, hey, everyone, get together and you know, we've got a few parties and going to see people and I'm fucking ill

for Christmas because everyone just comes in. Yeah. I don't want to be like a germaphobe but it's when I say, hey, hi, Merry Christmas. Big cuddle,

hey, big cuddle. How are you, by the way? Oh, I'm ill. Tell us before the fucking cuddle. Yeah, don't come. Don't come. Don't come. If you're coughing your fucking guts up,

you're not allowed to come to the party. It's like, burns, when people are like, oh, kids are fine. No, no, sorry, excuse me. Oh, the burns had diarrhea this morning. The door is there. Thank you very much. Because, no, I wouldn't take,

if my child had had diarrhea in the morning, I wouldn't take them around with our children. And that's just me. Like, do you know what I mean? What was I going to say? Yeah, so I had my flu job the other day. And I left, remember, the rang is in the car. And I was like, oh, for God's sake.

I was like, they'd give us the wrong jab, Chris. I was like, give us the wrong bloody jab. Just to just to quietly interrupt here. You, so your arrogance at this point was up there with, does everyone remember when she had her abscess in her mouth that you got it lanced? And she smelt the abscess and decided that the dentist had bad breath. I was like, this dentist got had a toes. Until you realized that it was your own fucking abscess, right?

So we're driving home and you, the phone, rings and it says weird it sort of guesses from emails and stuff if it's the if it's the chemist so it guessed that it was the chemist which freaks me out and you literally went oh oh this is it they've give us the wrong jab what did they actually say uh i'd left without paying unbelievable unbelievable uh mrs ramsey just wondering do you pay for your prescriptions oh yeah i just sorry i forgot you're the only person i know who gets a fucking flu flu jab and dash oh god i've never known anyone I remember leaving I was like, see you can see us later. Bye!

She did look at us a bit funny. And then, yeah, well. Unbelievable. The confidence you must have left with. They didn't even stop me at the door. You're like, bye, everyone. I'm off to go and lick some park benches because I kind of get the flu. Now I know what to do.

Yeah? Now I know what to do. The confidence, isn't it? It is. Just me. Literally, I'm going to go at the Toby Carvery next week, right? And I'm going to, on the way out, and you're like, bye, guys.

See you next week. Yeah, no, no, that. They'll not stand for that at the Toby Carvery. They'll fucking tackle. at the floor. True. They'll knock at Disney fucking about

in the Toby Carverie. Here's a little thing about Toby Carveries. Go on a Sunday. Yeah. I went on a Saturday. Yeah. Just.

Not as big a turnover. Not as nice. Not much going on. Not as good. Well, they're not going to know fresh on their Sunday. Yeah. Fresh is out on a Sunday.

Busy. It's when you want to go. Got you. But I love a Toby Carverie, man, you know. I really do. It's just, I just love a Sunday dinner and it's like, it's just mint.

Mint. Min sauce. Oh, plenty of mint sauce. A quick question for before we go on Yeah I'm a job today Sorry I dropped today

What Is you honest today What's happened What's happened What's happened You're up today Chris Is you're up today

Are you having a stroke So I'm doing an impression Of every fucker Who works at McDonald's When I pull up to the thing And they ask if I've ordered On the app today No fucking syllables

I swear to God Right I pulled up the idea And I was busy with the kids and I was asking the kids what they want and all I heard for it B'Baptidae

he's fucking fucking cackle here a b'rap today sorry what but today sorry mate what did you order

on the app no I didn't order on the app to day fuck me did you learn to speak this morning good God pal that was horrible

honestly but what was really funny was I was going to rob and I went I couldn't understand what he was saying what he was saying it so fast

brapped today brapt today just a son and fella just a mac accent like did you order on the app today and I was going to say

And I was going, drap today, drap today. And then Rafe was in the back going, Drapped the day, drapardee. What a beat to do it. There's a little moment. So hang on, do you have to order on the app so you don't go through the drive-thru? I don't understand.

In all, honestly, I don't understand. I pull up and you'll ask if I've ordered on the app. It's up there with when you phone a call center and they go, do know, you can go online. I do, but obviously I haven't found the shit online so I'm phoned to someone. Yeah. You're on the app to you.

You know, I'm at the fucking drive there. I don't understand. I don't understand the modern world. It's upsetting us. I'm scared, I'm cold, I'm confused I just want someone to take a school. Not a sexual way. It up to day.

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So like I said earlier on, I went to a cottage with my friends. Your lads, yeah. For the weekend. And I got there a little bit before the boys, here Kim Meadows. And I said, for a joke, I said, oh, I've just been up to each of your beds and I've put a handful of pubs each in your pillowcases, right, for a laugh. Okay. Ha, ha, ha.

Then Carl Hutchinson phoned us, okay? Because he did. And I said, oh, I was laughing. I said, oh, I've just sent this text to the lads because, oh, he was like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I'm doing this. And I've just sent this text to the lads saying, oh, I've put a handful of pubes in each year and things. And he went, oh, like, at school.

And I went, sorry what? And he went, like at school. And what do you mean at school? And he went, you know what's school? when someone would get up and go at the toilet so you said all the lads in the class would all get a handful of pubs out and put it in their boot and shut their boots

that when they came back they opened their book and there was loads of pubes. I went no! God's sake. No! Oh, he went to my school. Not familiar with that crack. Yeah, he did go to your school and this is, again, this is the problem here, your school was worse than my school because people were throwing pubes around left right and centre.

Catholic man, it was just innocent fun. Your school though, I took an honest to school. My school though, I was putting pubs and books. innocent godly lovely redible defense nice

godly heavenly it might be because I don't think I got pubes that was January about 19 so that might be my problem

well exactly Carl was always like quite pubish pubescent mature all the blocs in this year

they're like blocs sorry all the kids in Izya were actually yeah yeah so there we go good times

babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu babadu ba hey it's time for what's your beef? What is your beef? What is your heartbeat? Go on then.

My beef with you. This is from a few weeks ago. You are cooking tea, which you very, very rarely do. Dinner to the Southerners. Do you remember? Do you remember the steak saga? Yes.

Chris was under pressure because he's not very good at cooking. But you can cook, which is really irritating. Yeah. And I would love it. Oh. What?

What? What? What? What? What am I doing with this beef from a while ago that wasn't even that bad compared to last night? Oh, okay then. Oh, okay. Yeah, let's go there.

Okay. Let's go there. Wow. Last night, we had a really busy day yesterday. We recorded loads of podcasts, really full on, really intense. Yeah. We went back over. I was taking Raph up to bed.

Yeah. And you were just making tea. Yeah. Just making your own tea going about your business. Yeah. You made yourself a little cheese, toasty, and some soup. Yes. Did you offer me any tea?

I did not. But you were and had been, you were and had been sitting with your mam and your sister, drinking a corpious amounts of wine. As were you? I was in the hot tub with our four-year-old. Yeah, and then you were sat with us as well, Will. I was playing with toys in the hot tub.

And then what happened was, I had been drinking wine with you and your mom and your sister. Then I went in the hot tub with a wine playing with the child. The heat of the hard tub, it dehydrates you a bit. The wine is going down a little bit quicker. I'd already had some wine.

Gonna be honest with you. Cards on the table. Came in, a lot more pissed than I was when I went out. I'm not saying I forgot you existed when I started making me tea, but you definitely weren't at the forefront of my brain. So cheese toasting soup for one, please. I think the thing I find most upsetting about it

is I can't cook a meal. in our house without including you or the children. I would never, in a million years, just be like, what am I having for dinner tonight? What do I fancy? So you've never ever cracked open a packet of bachelor's super noodles for one and just made them in a pan for yourself?

That's never happened. It has when we've had a discussion about it and you have decided what you're going to have separately. No, no, no, no. I skip that discussion in my job of the brain. I have won this. I know you have. Right.

I'm saying I was drunk so what you're doing is you're essentially kicking a man while he's down. No, you need to stop. You need to admit that you just cracked on with your...

Okay, right? I did. I'm just jealous. I'm jealous because there's not a world that exists where I could do that. Okay. That's it.

Do it tonight if you want. We're going out for tea with the children at night. Oh, we can't then. Oh, shame. It's terrible. But it's just... No, but what a shame?

How sad is that? That I'm literally like, every time that I cook a dinner on a night, I'm like, what's the kids having? What would Chris like? I'm just the chef.

I've told you man, I'm just the house chef. Right. Okay. Amongst other things. Loads of things. I'm the clothes washer. Yeah. And the house chef.

Yeah. And all of that. So there you go. You also leave lovely stains on the insides of the toilets, as do we all. Oh, no, don't put that on. Take that out. We've got an issue with the toilets. We need new toilets.

We need new toilets. It catches everything. You can't have a shit without being judged. Our toilets have got memories. But it's so sad because I'm like, I just want to, we're poo every day. And I just let you know. Don't tell them we poo every day.

I just always let you know that. Are we just talking to the team now? I think so. I'll leave it in. I'm okay. I've said worst of. Toilets have got memories in our house. It's horrible.

They do. Look at what you've done. Ash him. It's modern toilets. Get the old ones. They're just, one and gone. You've got a splashback with the old ones.

I'd rather have a splashback. Help clean. up, in my opinion. I'll clean up, a little rinse, a little rinse, a little bit of backdraft. Listen, my beef with you,

stop doing it. I'm sick of you doing it. You've done it before. You're doing it again. You'd stop for a while because I'd mention it and you're doing it again. When the bin smells...

Is it they using me weight? No, when the kitchen... When the kitchen bin smells, you tie it up and leave it there. And I... Okay, you know why? Spend the rest of the night just dropping stuff on it.

I open the thing and I go, fuck. Every time. Whose job is other bins? Mine. Yes. So don't fucking tie them up then, because it's not your job. But the bin is full.

So take them out. I can squeeze stuff in there. I can squeeze more in that bin. It stinks. It stinks. It stinks. All house. People will come around and go,

oh God, the Ramses. Nice house. Stinks a bin. Yeah. It's not a nice house. It's a mess. Listen, so they're liars. I don't trust their opinion.

No, we've got a nice house. Don't. Listen, my job. Leave them alone. Don't even tell. It's above your pay grade, mate. Don't even tie them bins up. Don't even bother with it.

You have not had the adequate training. You just slow at your job. Get the bins out. You don't have the training. Okay, but okay, well, what I used to do is I'll tie up the bin and I'll put it at the back door and I'll put it outside and then the bloody, the magpies. The crows, magpies and squirrels.

Get them. Yeah, there's a pheasant. He looks like you can fuck up a bin bag by the way. We've got a boy and girl fessent. Boy and girl, a peasant. Isn't that lovely? It's very, very nice. It's so nice, especially at Christmas time.

Do they, are they still in the summer? What do you mean? Yeah, they kick around all year around. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. A bit of knowledge for you. Just put the buns up. Just, come on.

A bit of haste. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for questions from the public. Public. Popa, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, at gmail. And while you're on the internet, like, like, rate and subscribe the podcast, and like rate and subscribe on YouTube.

If that's still a thing for all of them, I don't know what I haven't checked. It is. Good. It is. Okay. There's no hello Rosie and Chris. It just goes straight in it. I respect it.

I respect it. Okay. I was separated from my son's dad, but working on being amicable. I understand. Yeah. Good on you. In brackets.

Cut forward 15 years and it's just the best. A very happy blended family. Lovely. That's nice to hear, isn't it? I love that. But at that point, I was barely holding it together while trying to appear like my life was a waking joy.

Got you. Q. Single mum. Potty training. and having a hand over my son on route to work in London. I was power dressed in a suit ready for meetings and proven I've got my shit together. That's something I've never considered.

What? That you have to make it look to the other one that you've broken up with like you've got all your shit together. When you haven't got all your shit together and you're parenting, that must be tough. But I can't imagine because this person who you have children with and who you're married to and when you split up,

they know everything about you. Yeah. So trying to actually pretend they would see through it straight away, don't you think? Eh, I probably wouldn't. Would you not? Yeah, I'm shy. I'd probably be like, oh my God, she's handling it so much better than me. It's fine.

I believe that's the point. I believe the point is probably to just make it look like you're handling it better than the other person. Yeah. Oh, I can't be on. Let's just, even if it's fucking dog shit, let's just stay in it. I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered up as much as you want. But it's not dog shit.

It's lovely. Until it's dog shit, that's what we'll chat about it then. Not even. So I said even if. Yeah. So I said if it becomes dog shit. You said it's not, but when it does, if, if. Listen, Chris, things can only get better.

Well, we're kids are getting older. Like, I was chatting the other day. They're watching Home Alone and I was like, oh, lads, I would love to, when he's ever a bit bigger, I would love to take us to New York. And like, just imagine us, just rocking around with the teenage kids in New York, doing cool stuff.

Like, yeah, we've got loads to look forward to. I think we've done the hard work. The hard work is when they're really young. That's when it's really testing to your marriage, because there's just less lovely time together. You put your kids first, less sex, less, like there's just arguments over parenting. And when they get older, that,

if you can get through that, I think you can see the rest of it. You're right. Okay, then that's good. If you're still amicable, then get on when your kids are little. Listen, it all sounds reasonable, sounds believable,

but until you find a meme or an Instagram post that has all that written down and send me it, I'm not really going to believe you. Okay, I'll do me this. Okay. Power dressing is. suit ready for meetings and proven I've got my shit together.

Got you. My son looked mint. Hold my hand as we went through the station and onto the platform to meet his dad on a connecting train. Oh shit. Wow. Yeah, I've got your shit together. You've planned a serious, that's amazing.

I had a quick connection so it was a carefully timed train doors open, drop and go situation. I've never done that, but I think that'll be quite cool. On the platform, a few minutes early, my son announced... I need a poo. God, they do it at the worst possible times. Uh-huh.

She'll have asked him before he left the house if he needed a poo. Yeah. I had nothing. No wipes. No potty. Just me. My laptop bag.

Suited and booted for on wed London meetings. It's okay I reissue it. Dad'll be here soon and he can take you the toilet. Your dad's got you. He'll take you. I'm dressed. I've got to go. Hold your shit in.

Hold your shit together. And we're talking 15 years ago because she said fast-forward 15 years. this is 15 years ago. Yeah. Did you have a smartphone 15 years ago? Yes. Just. Just.

I think. I think I don't know. Hang on. I can't remember. Yeah. Okay then. Just checking. Okay.

No, Mom. I'm doing a poo. My son said. His face going red as he assumed the slightly squatted pose. Oh, fucking hell. A little bastard. There I was on a train platform a long way from the toilet. The train due in and surrounded by commuters.

Can I just say, though? if you really want to stick it to that X. There's your son, by the way, he's just out his pants. He got dumping his trousers. Bon anniversary. All I could do was whip my son's trousers down and let him shit in my hand. I'm just going to see a laptop bag.

In my hand. To me would make more sense. Desperate times. In my hand. Robin once pooed in my hand when I didn't have anything on the floor. Do you remember? I think I've blocked this out.

No, he did. I let him poo in my hand. He once, oh, he was a lot, Rave was a lot better at weight. I remember this one time when I was on the beach and Robin needed a poo and he was potty training and he literally sort of like squatted like a dog and just pooed into the bag but it was like it was just never ending

and he went and it did about five bags and then one of them landed on the sand like when a dog shirt I'd like pick it up and I was kidding, this is the grimmest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Oh, God. But God love them. So he's shit in a hand.

Yeah. But I'm just, but I'm just, so I know how trashing and stressful it is traveling through London and I only do it like I'm barely a commuter in London

because I'm hot down there, in it, no matter what time in the year it's hot. But I'm not going to a 9 to 5 you know, with my laptop bag on, you know, I'm sort of travelling from place to pace me from a hotel that was studio or something like that. It's not as stressful as this. So all of that coupled with

just letting a kid you shit in your hat, that's bless her heart. Come on then, what happened? All right. I loved it. I'd love it if the ex got off and she was like, there he is. High five. It landed, warm, heavy and steaming.

The train pulled in. Heavy's upsetting. The train pulled in. His dad stood at the door waving. I whipped my son's trousers up, helped him up to the train while holding a warm shit in one hand. like an offering from the guards and simply said he needs his ass wiped.

Their train left. Chris, listen to this. The train left and I turned round to a sea of appalled commuter. I walked through them like Moses parting the sea

with a warm, stinking shit. There was no bin in sight. Because there wasn't. They don't put them on the platforms anymore. I wanted to throw it on the tracks but everyone was looking at me I figured throwing a turd clasped as littering. I couldn't.

I couldn't just put it in my pocket. So there I stood, until a man stepped forward, emptied a half a cup of coffee and gave me the cup saying, I think you need this more than I do. And they say that a hero will save us. I have never been more grateful or more humiliated as a day. I accepted a coffee from a stranger, decanted a warm shit into it,

left it on a platform seat and boarded a train to London. Oh, she'll have this shit all over. So she just had to do that and she just had to scrape her hand across the thing and then she's got straight on the train. You know what? The things you do for your kids? The things you do?

Rosie, all I can think is, so she's not... She's not going to hold the laptop bag with that hand that's got the shit in it. She's going to put that laptop bag into the clean hand. And she's going to hold up... Well, this is why... If that train...

bubbles. She's not going to just fall over and take it on the floor. Yeah, she's either holding the thing above or she's holding the bar. Stop it. And this is why sanitiser is really important. Yeah. Shagmary noise, sponsored by a hand sanitizer. Please, everybody use it. I go through bottles of it. But then, no, no, no, no, no, then again, no. That's that hand sanitiser. I would not work in this situation. You need a wipe or a paper to take off the thick of it. Oh, no, I'm talking about, I'm talking about. Oh, the other people. You don't know what people have been doing when they, when they're, touching them things.

Fair, fair, fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hot and heavy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, ba. Babadu babadu babu bad. Hello both.

Just watching Rosie licking a carrot off the floor on Taskmaster and thought I would message in about my daft mother who was in a world of her own. Right, got you. Okay. So there you go. Just watching Rosie lick a carrot. I can't remember that bit.

That was, I think it was the final task when we had the carrot was undangling from a helmet and it was tied. they were foot and we had to get it. I had lost. Yeah. I believe I was on the studio for that one. I think you were. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Very memorable, obviously.

I had a few beers. Oh, great. Talking about her mom here, she has previous for doing odd things, like cutting up a pillow and using it as cushions in the living room. Sorry. Not even bothering to saw them or add covers, just two halves of a fucked up pillow.

No way, man. Deciding to make our version, our own version of the Coca-Cola ham, By using lemon and lime flavored water and ham. Awful. Oh, that was that, the thing, Coca-Cola chicken was a thing for a while. Coca-Cola ham is a thing.

I think it was a slim in world thing. Yeah, you poured it on, yeah. Put it away at what I'm fucking idiot. The whole point is the syrup, the stickiness of the... Oh, lemon and lime. Ham? Awful. I love ham, though.

Not lemon and lime, not fizzy lemon and lime ham. I'm going through a propagammon stage. I love gamins. She means the food. She means the food. just no no no I do mean I do mean yes because gammon

is what people call like vagina no like big old big old racists I think they call them gamins what yeah I think there's a thing now

where people call someone a gammon it's like a big you're a big old racist you're a gammon so well I did not know that alright so I don't like them kind of gamins

right I just like gammon actual gammon with like a sweet honey glaze Yes, with the do-one and Sainsbury's, it's absolutely lush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says it serves three, though, but... I don't fucking wipe your mouth, does it?

But we do, we have it, me, you and Robin have it, but Robin gets like two little slithers. Right, listen. She also makes a diet meal called composti, which was random boiled vegetables into a mush and drinking it through a straw. One of the worst things I've ever seen. Fawth juice.

Yeah. Her latest strange thing is that she said she was, worried about people looking in her bedroom window so she is improvised and made a special curtain what has she used what has she used as this makeshift net curtain mysteries mysteries and this is where you need to answer

right so she's made a special curtain makeshift net curtain makeshift net curtain this is the same woman who just cuts a pillar in half and uses it as cushions tights oh that is a good answer no I didn't You're wrong.

Sake tights. You did, you said it out loud for all here. Okay, then. It's not tights. You've had you try. Bubble wrap. That's much better than I could have hoped for. There was a picture, but hang on, there's a picture, but it's gone.

Bubble wrap. Two minutes are there. That's fucking genius. Awful. It's awful. Genius, though. Fucking hell. That's a window.

Dare I say it? What? Does not that bad. It does. It does not bad. There we're selling that at IKEA shortly. Oh, wow. That's a screen, that's a screen grabber for FaceTime.

Someone's FaceTime. Can you remember? I wrote this in my notes ages ago and it's never come up yet. Can you remember when we were moving house and the guys wrapping the stuff in bubble wrap, said to us which way does it go we've never worked out

which way it goes oh yeah they didn't know and neither do I I googled it oh right okay so it goes bumps on the outside really yeah

bumps on the outside so wrap it in the bit don't know it said online wrap it in the bit oh that's flat bit and the bumps go face and out that's what it said

on the thing that I'll watch but then do you also remember another one of the removals men told us that he'd removed been at a house and someone had it all over the walls in the bedroom because it was their fetish. No, I wasn't in the room for that.

I don't think. To be fair, he's a bit of a gentleman, actually. I think he waited until you left and then he told me. Okay. So their fetish was bubble wrap on all the walls. And on the bed and everything. So it was like shagging on bubble wrap. And like, so they move around, if they're out against the wall or they'd be like,

pop with a bubble wrap by the while having sex. Oh, God. Are we giving it a kid? Well, to pop? Yeah. God. Some people never grow up. Do you not think some people just never grow up

and they're just, oh, I'm going to have this, I'm going to bubble around them. I'm just going to introduce it in my sex like, oh, get in the bin. Although, you know, it's one, it is essentially plastic sheeting down, which I can't get on board with. You do not make yourself sound good on this podcast.

If we do ever split up. I'm very aware. We do have a split up. Oh, I'm snookered. I'm snookered. If we split up, I think there'll be cues of blokes waiting for you and I think there'll be women just going, Are you all right, Chris?

Okay, bye. You really think you as a bloke's going to wait for me after I've told everyone I leave me, after you, sorry, you've told everyone I leave me bloody tampons on the top of the toilet. They'll be running a mile. We can't, we'll never find anyone else.

Actually, you can't. Hey, there we go. Locked in. That's it. Locked in for life. We're not going anywhere. Listen, we'll see. Are you having, are you hormonal? Are you having a bit of a bubble?

You're all right. I'm absolutely. You're okay, good. All right. Oh, God. I'm holding it together. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back.

Dear Chris and Rosie, I'm a little behind, listening to from the start, and seeing you at both of your tours, oh, thank you. But currently on episode 330, listen to the one of Chris's lucrative sponsors again, just reminded me of my own experience. That again, heard, by the way, a bit upsetting. What?

Just that again, just sounded a bit accusatory, a little bit, a little bit snide. What do you mean? Listen to one of Chris's Luke responsibleers again. Oh, yeah, I mean... Listen, I'm bringing top quality, middle of the range, stand-up comedy, to this podcast every single week.

Half-baked ideas, you know, that I'm just thinking of. Yes. On the fly. Sometimes as I walk in the room. No prep. Just throwing off shit some sticks. All right, a lot of it hasn't stuck. But what are you going to do about it?

Eh? Public still buy your tickets. So you're doing something all right. You know, you're going on to her. I know it's all out. You're doing all right, Chris. Oh, thank you. You're fine.

Yeah, fine. Right, okay. This isn't a funny story. Okay, next. But, but. I can't think of it. What would I rather have?

You know when someone's about to tell you something? They go, yeah, listen to this, right? Oh, yeah. I'm about to tell you the fucking funniest fucking thing you're going to die. And you go, I've already, I've already downgraded this so far in my hand. But yeah, so I don't know what I'd rather. I don't know if I'd rather listen to this. It's the funniest thing ever.

Or listen to this, it's not funny, by the way. Yeah. I don't know which one I'd rather, but carry on. Okay, but listen. Yeah. I know this is a comedy podcast. Mm-hmm. But sometimes you just want to, you have something interesting.

All right, then. All right. Well, okay. Now you've told this there's interesting so now I don't know No it's not Right so now it's not

Right Do not pre-fix your stories With any Just tell your story Just go in dry Didn't mean that sound as disgusting as it was Bit loop down the end

Don't ever go in dry It's just not nice There it is Isn't a funny story But know that Chris is a bit like me And likes random bits of information Okay yes I do Situation

Okay thank you When I was learning to drive My driving instructor I once called me out For hugging the curb on the left And swinging out To take a left-hand corner That was my sponsor.

Yes. To what to do that. Someone did it yesterday. I was raging. I was trying to explain it Robin what it was. He didn't get it. Oh, good luck. Yeah.

Me and my sister are four years apart and he taught her to drive to. His exact words, I remember your family from your sister. Your dad drove buses, didn't he? Ah. Right? Turns out that subconsciously as passengers for all of our lives, both me and my sister were used to taking corners in our family Vauxhall Vecta, as if we were in a 52 seat of our life.

bus. Of course. So Chris, some of those drivers may just be people so used to drive in long vehicles that they swing round corners, either that or they're just twats. So there you go. Do you know what? Do you know what? What a little bit of brightness

into my life. I am now going to assume I'm going to turn you the cheek, I'm going to be the bigger person, but next time I see someone do that, I'm going to bet they a dog was a bus driver. Yeah, or a lorry driver. Yeah, all of that, yeah. Don't make me slogan longer. Or coach driver. Yeah, it doesn't work. I'm just going to, you know, long vehicle driver. And I'm just going to, and I'm going to go on me and not get angry

and not want to, you know, follow them and murder them. Yeah. So that's perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Thank you for. Would you like a song for your new slogan? Do you have a song on the top of your, just on the, just on your, just on your buses?

Yeah? Yeah. Just, does it make sense with the slogan? It could do. Okay. Yeah. Go on then. You, you canny chuck your ganny off a bus.

No, you canny chuck your ganny off a bus. No. You can throw your other ganny. because he's, she's your It's a work in progress. Daddy's mommy, know you're kind of chuck your ganny off of but you pick the whichever one is not your favourite. Great. What was it?

I'm not going to be implementing the song. You should have a song for everything because songs sell. Not one that's it. Yeah. Thank you for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmoudineau. We'll be back next week. Yes.

Thank you so much. As always, if you like getting touched at Shagmoudinaut.com, If you're watching this on YouTube, please absolutely elbow drop that subscribe button while not destroying your devices in any way, shape or form. There it is. You probably can't do it on the phone with an elbow. Yeah, no? It's too, like the skin's just hard on that. All right, and you can.

Just press it. All right, you. Listen. Oh, God, no. They've gone. No, no. They haven't. If I scroll, if I scroll this, you ready?

They've gone. Yes. You can do with your elbow. Do it gently, though. Not paying for new phones or iPads for you. Bye. You're such an egg. You're an ache.

Itch-tastic. Fantastic.