Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Judge Us Separately

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie chat about their trip to London and we get some Sunday Brunch BTS! There are some hoover beefs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode We discuss my... Well, Rosie has diagnosed my childhood football trauma. Oh, there's a lot gone wrong there, yeah. Yeah, you're showing off your trophy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We've got a little bit of Sunday brunch behind the scenes.

We have indeed. We also got Rosie's bedside table disasters. It's not a new segment. It's just what I'm annoyed about at the moment. Oh, yeah. AI kidnapping. We've got Hoover Beef. And also our Rafi makes a little guest appearance.

I didn't know that, and it's very, very nice. He's a lovely little voice. on the podcast. So cute. Enjoy. Hello, you are listening and you are watching Shag to Maridenoid with me,

Rosie, and my husband, Christopher. And there's a third member right in our face here today. It's not a human, although it's got a human's face on. It is. It is my House of Games trophy

because I am winner-winner-winner chicken dinner. And I just thought, I forgot about it last week. Yeah. And then they mentioned it when we were on Sunday brunch and I was like, I have not rub that in

your facing up. So here it is. Absolutely fine. In all its glory. And you know what? This actually, it links back to something I needed to tell you that I've done this week and it's the first time I've ever done it.

Right. And it blew me mind that it's been nearly 40 years and I've never done it. Okay. First time you're anything in your life, this is. This is the first time I have ever done this specific thing. Was it ever piss in one of these? No. No?

Oh. Well, you do that. I've never done that before, but I will. That's next on the agenda. I'm a pissing a cup with Richard Osman's face on. on, eh? It's never being a thing

where I want to piss and things. I don't know if that's a man thing. Nah, it's a bit easier for a bloke in it it's just point and shoot.

I've just never, it's never been a part of my life where I'm like, oh, I wish I could piss in that. I can't imagine you can't even

you can you? Oh, no, it's a bit like bursting of water bomb in it. It's even worse than I've got older. I've tell you,

it's got, it's just, it's just got worse down there. Just, blah, blah, no, it's like squirt,

Anyway, listen. Stop. Right. It's like, a burst pipe. I ordered and bought an engraved trophy of a trophy website. Right. But I didn't get a, I didn't go for a trophy in the end. I went for the glass crystal sort of thing.

Right. Because in me society, Gilbert and Sullivan, I'm not doing the Christmas concert, which I'm good at about, which is too busy. I'm on the committee, obviously. One of the members is leaving, sadly, after 60 years of being in the society. He's been there, he's been there since I... Well, obviously since I was there. When I joined, I was 15 and he was there.

Lovely man, Jerry. And he's leaving, so I took it, I took the responsibility and I was like, I'll get this ordered. And yes, it's the first time I've ever done it. And when I was doing it, I was like, it's mad that you just buy them off this website. Yes, I totally get where you're getting at here. It is mad that you can just get them. Just whatever you want.

the website, world's best dad, massive trophy, engrave it, send it, and just get it and put it up.

What did you win that for? Oh, world's best dad, just won it. But you know, remember that? Because when I did swimming when I was

younger, we used to get trophies. Oh, you were about to ask me what it was like when I got trophies and I was younger. Have you never?

Absolutely not. Oh, don't tell me you haven't had any trophies. No. No. What? Not even like a football. Did you do football?

Well, so I did, but I didn't play in the final that we did because I was really bad. You know, Matt, you know about my football and debut. Shirley, I told you about my football and debut.

I don't. Is it going to make it sad? Yeah, so John, who lived at the top of the estate, me, me. Oh, yeah, John. Yeah, John came down one day and said all of these people from his team had left, so would me and a couple of the lads who were just in the street be on the football team. And I was like, oh, definitely. We're trained on Wednesday night to Tudor-Ead, which has been knocked down since.

Which is like community centre where I live. And, yeah, my first game, I scored an own goal. handballed it on the line, gave way a penalty and got took off at half time. So that was ten minutes. That was ten minutes of football. Do you know, the more that we chat,

even though we'd be married for years, right? The more we talk, I really uncover your past trauma. That's why you don't like football. You've got puer trauma. Shouted out and screamed at. Yeah, just getting shouted at all the time. Just not being bad at it.

In spite of me, trying to doom the team's success, we've got to some final of something, and it was a Gypsy's Green Stadium. And I didn't play. in the final. I wasn't put, they didn't put us on. You wouldn't put us on

just in case. Oh, you were benched? Benched the whole one. And then at the end... That does not... That does not board well your personality. No, no.

I was fidgety. I was fidgety. I was fidgeting. Don't bench our Chris. And then I picked up the trophy at the end and went, yeah, yeah,

has everyone got a turn to pick the trophy? But I think I got a medal but I don't, I don't remember. You picked, he didn't even play? I got to pick the trophy

because I was on the team. Well, there you go. Commerodery. to pick the trophy up. That sounds about right. Yeah, because I was in the queue first because I hadn't been on the pitch. They were all getting drinks and that

and eating bits of orange. I was in the queue waiting to pick the trophy up because I hadn't had much on. Oh, Ben. Oh, Chris. Clipman, yeah. Oh, oh, God. Oh, God.

My heart is dying. Yeah, no, I didn't get any trophies or anything. I don't think I got a trophy for a single thing when I was a kid. Right, okay. Well, well, I'm not... Why do you think I was so excited when I got a Brazilian Juditude Blue?

I know. This all makes sense. It all makes sense. But I did, because I did swimming, I mean, listen, I got trophies,

but I never, ever, ever got first place, I don't think. I think I got second once or twice, but I was, it was through,

it was like age categories and I'm the youngest. I was always the youngest. I was tiny. And I was just shit compared the rest of them. But I did get trophies. You got medals and trophies.

And I got swim over the month, which was like a massive achievement one month. And just, I never realized, how utterly shit they're really off. When you get them, when you were a kid, they were amazing. Well, it's because it's got the achievement attached to it. It's not just a bit of shit that you bought.

If it was just a bit of shit that you bought, it wouldn't mean anything, but it's because it's got the achievement attached to it. I kept them all over in the garage. Look at all of me trophies and things behind us now. There you go, darling. There's something to be said for. Some people peak too early, man.

50 cents said it best, not you. Other people, what, 50 cents said it best. Damn, homie. In high school, you was the man, homie. The fuck happened to you. Yeah, there you go. Well, listen, I'm going to take it. this away because I don't want to make you upset.

It's fine. You enjoy it. Leave it there for the whole thing. No, it'll put us off. It's in both a shot at all. Sorry. I'm taking it away, camera. Reset's going. One last. One last. There you go. Nice. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for

watching. If you're watching this on YouTube, please consider smashing that subscribe button in the nicest, gentlest way possible. And please continue to like and rate and subscribe and all that stuff on YouTube and on the podcast shops. We really, really do appreciate. Thank you. Now, from one shiny metal thing to another possible shiny metal thing

it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. And this week we have another Chris Ramsey invention. Oh, okay. This week's lucid of lucid of sponsor is the adult clip-on straw sippy cup. Hey, hey, are you a complete fucking moron who knocks over every single drink you have

on your bedside table? Is it this? Every single drink you have on your bedside table. Does it end up on the floor? Does it end up all over your table? charges does it end up soaking in your bed in your bedside table do you sleep in the middle of the night and in a hotel just here knock of water oh god what have i done and if you do that or your partner does that who are you talking about you need the chris ramsie clip on adult i haven't really got a name for it yet

the quit on adult hamster sippy cup just listen just clips on the side of your headboard or yeah your bedside table it's got a little metal straw with a little ball in it because you know hamsters can't Oh, do you mean like one of them? Yeah, it's one of them. Genuinely, I would actually... Literally one of them. Big old adult size. Get a gallon in the side of it like, hey, look, if you want, you can put juice in it and stuff,

but it will corrode the metal if it's like a syric acid. Not orange juice, maybe, yeah. And just lean out of bed, just... All right. Just nibble out. Yeah, yeah, bad times. I do spill a lot of drinks. Every single time you ever do.

It's not every single time. Last night you went, make as a glass of water, I went, no. I would get a bottle. Get a bottle now because you just knocked them over all the time. Can I just clare. I did not see you. Make me a glass of water. You did.

Yeah, you did. You had the knife in your hand, as usual. You had the knife in your hand and that look in your eye. And you said, make me a glass of water. And I said, yeah, and I said, no problem, Dave. She makes us call her Dave. I said, no problem, Dave. And I mean...

I was wondering when we were going to lose the plot on this episode because I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. Yes, it's been a heavy weekend. Yeah. I'm knackered. Apologies to everyone. We were fucking everywhere at the weekend, last weekend. I know.

We're in London doing stuff. So apologies. We're not there. people who go, oh yeah, and I'm on this and I'm on that, and I'm everywhere. I'm like, fuck, people are going to be so sick. I was tired of the own face. I was seeing the same stuff. Oh, God.

Is your book about, is your book about poo, by the way? Yeah, it's about poo. Is it a children's boo? Is it about poo? Well, I snidly look at you while it's about poo. It's about poo, because poo's funny as fuck. It's out now, by the way. Flew up the charts.

The press does work like. The poop bloody flew up the Amazon charts. It was here, and I've never been in this before. There's a category on Amazon called Moveers and Shakers. And it was in Movers and Shakers. Movies and Shakers. Movers and Shakers. Love it.

So there's a... Out by now. Get your kids one. Let the elf bring it. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, let the elf bring it and do like poo-based

things around it. Yeah. Do a Poon army. Oh my God, there you go. These were selling technique. Tactic. Buy the book. I'm glad we've thought of it

fucking halfway through December. No, there's still time. People are running low. It's halfway through. Buy the book. Do a Poon Narmu. me down the stairs and say

leave a note saying this gave us inspiration. Dabs of chocolate or dabs of like chocolate spread Nutella or something all the way leading

at the book. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that. That's not an idea. We could, let's just do it. You're tidding up.

We had a fight about the jingle Jingle Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle jingle. So this is the jingle jingle we hope you like

the jingle Jinggo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingo! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married, annoyed. Hello. Like we say, we were all over in London

doing loads of press. It was lovely, but at the same time, exhausting. It is not great, isn't it? Well, it's weird, because to anyone who doesn't have this job, they're just going to think, well, all you're doing is talking,

but it's the schlepping around London from place to place. And then it's, it wasn't that bad because, you know, we were on with really lovely people like Jamie Thiexton, and then, you know, the guys on Capitol and then like Ramesh. And this morning.

It was dead nice, but you're just answering the same. And also... It's like a bad dream. I live in a world where I'm just terrified that I'm going to say something wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just constantly. So, like, yeah, I want to talk about this because you, you sometimes completely forget where you are.

You forget who you're talking to. And this, I don't take this the wrong way. And then no one, not saying you're a big shop, but you sometimes forget who you are as well. What do you mean? We got told on Hart because they were sponsored by Dobby's. Oh, I do you know. Guys, we got told on heart that we're going to get.

It was like, hey, it was very clever way of advertising during the show. Yeah. They were going, hey, everyone who comes on as a guest, phoning in. If you just a member of the public phoning in or if you're a guest, you get a free Christmas tree from Dobbies. And I imagine every other, like, quote unquote, celebrity of person who was there promoting anything that they interviewed, they went, you get a free Christmas tree. And they'll go, oh, great.

We went, eh? You fucking joking, Thexton, a free tree. And he's going, yeah, and he's trying to move on. But we're going, a fucking free, a free, a free one. And decorations. You said decorations as well. I swear to God. I didn't fucking hear that.

I didn't hear that. I'm not even kidding. No, I swear to God. We've had our fake trees for years. And there were a couple of quid. You know, buy cheap, buy twice. We couldn't believe it. Now, one, we completely derailed the show by being so excited.

Dobby's must have been over the moon because we were fucking banging on it about for ages. Now, to let everyone listening and watching here behind the curtain, there's a weird thing where we've got like agents and the agents do all of the sort of communicating with radio shows and TV shows and producers the agents do that for you and one it's sort of like data protection and two it's so that if you if we end up randomly would basically you'd randomly get asked for stuff and it has to go through the proper challenge is the best way to describe it so you never really you never give your details your phone numbers and stuff to anyone at radio stations and stuff but the guy came in with a

fucking clipboard to put the details down for rosy to get a free tree from Dobby's and you fucking basically gave him your kidney you are literally like he's here on the address here's me email here's the court of me alarm this is these are the hours we're out of the house fucking I went like Dan who does our P-I was like I'll handle that I'll handle that is I try I went I was like just just literally gave all of our personal details away we'll be every time hard have got anything going on they'll be ringing you now non-stop It was on the same list as the winners. And then the guy was like, yeah,

he probably don't want your email floating around Dobby's. Competition winner. I don't mind. Competition winner. I was buzzing. I love anything free. A little, John, a little behind the scenes. Well, you know this story, but we'll tell everyone.

Behind the scenes we're on Sunday brunch. Which was a blast, by the way. Very funny. I've never done it in the studio before. It was really good show. It was a particularly good episode. It was really nice. Chris McCorsland, who I've known for years,

who was just so fucking everything he says. is dynamite. Well, this is who I'm going to talk about. Yeah, Nigel Havers was mad. Oh, Nigel Havers was insane. Ben Miller was lovely. And Jack Savarelli. There.

Yeah. Brilliant. Gorgeous voice. Gorgeous man. Had a lovely time. So I'd never met Chris McCausland before. Obviously seen him on loads of stuff. If anyone who doesn't know Chris McCawson is the blind comedian who won Strictly.

Yes. Just last year, I think he just won. Yeah, he's the most recent winning was strictly. You've always sang his praises. You've always been like, He's so funny. Like he was on the circuit when you were doing all the circuit years ago.

So you kind of, you all know each other, don't you? Yeah. He was so funny. Yeah. He was so funny. At one point,

at one point, Ben Miller was being, um, interviewed by Simon and Tim. And he was kind of chatting. We'd had our interview. And Ben Miller, he was talking about his illustrator,

saying he had this Italian illustrator. Because he's got children's book out as well. Because he's got a children's picture. book and he was saying you know the italian illustrators are fantastic they're great they're ahead of the game grisput courseland just lent over he sat next me he went he went he went have you you go hang on i don't want to get it wrong so he said have you got italian illustrators and i just look at them i was like no and you went english i went yeah he went oh oh you've got them shitty english pictures i swear to god i could not stop laughing I was like

What the actual shitty English bitches. As Ben Miller said, we've got these amazing Italian, the Italian illustrators. He said, Italian illustrators are so far ahead of the game compared to everyone else is what he said. And I saw at the corner of me out,

I saw Chris McCauza lean into you, and I thought, I know exactly what he's fucking saying. He was on it, like, brilliant. He was on it straight away. Oh, and he's on tour. And I think you guys should go sing him. And I think we should get him on. Please keep me anonymous if we can.

I think we absolutely sure. I was just a hoot. He was such a funny blog. Such a funny blog. Oh, baby-do, babado, babadoo, babadoo-ba-do-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Hey. Yes? Next time you go on holiday, are you providing your friends and family with a code word that only you and them know?

For what? For what? For what? For what? For what? For what? I don't understand what you're talking about. Rosie.

The FBI have issued a warning about AI kidnapping scam. that's the next new thing we all need to shit what pants about. What AI is kidnapping people? I love. I don't understand. I fucking love. That's where you went. Yeah, AI is kidnapping people. No. So people are taking,

they get a couple of your photos off of Instagram or whatever. They get your details. They get a couple of your photos off Instagram. They can get AI to do like a photo of you like on your knees crying in the back of a transit van with blood on your face, holding up a copy of today's paper. Send it to your mom and go, send with 10 grand or we're killer.

Oh, for God. sake. My mum hasn't got 10 grandson. Well, good luck. Night, night. What? I hate everything about this. This is like the texting thing, isn't it? And the ring and saying, help. It's exactly like that, but it's now visually they've

took it to another level. Bastards! Whoa! I just... Went down on that one. Sorry. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much. Every time any new technology comes out, criminals and bastards, as you said, bastards will find a way to exploit it. Yeah.

Honestly, everyone's trying to make these sex robots these robots that look like human I'm telling you right now they'll fucking have them man they'll be able to lock your cock in there and you'll have to pay it to get it out they'll hack them

they'll put your sister's face on it while you're shagging it and stuff honestly it's gonna be horrible 50 quid and never get your cock back you'll be more than 50 quid to get your cock back imagine we've got a set of bar yeah we've got it like it's like scammas

they only take 50 pens at a time they don't they're not I'm not paying this where's that blanket's just put a blanket just put a blanket over it and just go to work Live out my days What's that It's just a desk

I carry around With us Flopping around Ew Ew Honestly Bastards man I hate them

Awful So what's your code word Gonna be What to not get A-eyed What's your code word So you've got to have a code word So that

You can see it Yeah Oh Badger Badger You told everyone now So there you go That's it

You're getting the eyed Babadoo Babadoo Babadu Babi-Bat It's time for What's your B What's your B Beep Beep

Beep Beep Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Beef. Ladies first. I've got a recorded beef. Oh, for fuck sake. From our... I can't live my life.

I can't live my life. From our youngest son. Oh! This is from Rafi. He's part of the beef this week. He's got a beef with me? No, he is not the beef. You are the beef.

I'm the beef? Yes, you are. So he's got a beef with me? Um, no. Just listen. Hang on, which one is it? Right, ready? You listening?

Yep. Tell up what your name? Wafy. Rafy what? Raffy what? Right. Me and Daddy do this thing called beefs, right? Where we'll tell each other what we're annoyed about. And I'm telling you right now, my beef with Daddy this week is that he taught you a word that I don't like.

What's he taught you? No. So what happens now? Every time I say, oh, what did I say? I said, oh, it's Christmas dinner at school on Tuesday. You could have that. What did you say? No. What should you be saying? No.

No? No. So if the teachers, if the teachers ask you a question, the answer is no. What do you say? I'll do the teacher ready. Rayfe, would you like Christmas dinner for lunch today? No, thank you. Oh, say that's perfect. Well done. But you can do it to dad. So what do you say? Rafie, do you want Christmas dinner? No. Nah, nah, nah, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, nah, nah. I want a nap. Oh, can you listen to it? If you'd like, yeah.

Say bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, my brain, man. So, is, I hate it. I hate it. Everything, nah, nah. Nah. Why did you, what have you done this for? I don't know how I did that. I don't know, I didn't realize I'd done that. Well, he said it's you, because I said, who says nah?

Who's taught you now, and he went, Dad. Aye, full of shit. man, he doesn't know who says Nat. Well, he said you. He normally blames Mama. I heard what my mom's taught him. What? If you ask him something, he now says,

what's that got to do with a price of rice? But he can't really see what? I got rid of what I got rid of with a white wife. For that's sake. I can't really see it probably. So yeah, so there you go. Wow. Well, my beef with you is...

I can't think you could possibly have one because we had such a lovely time away. We had a lovely time. We did. I'm taking the pace. This happened last night. Last night, I was, we got the rest of the Christmas decorations out and we got it sorted. Like, you know, when you've brought the boxes in from the loft and that,

this stuff falls off them and glitter and stuff. And I was upstairs. I can't think what I've done. Well, I was upstairs and I wrote it down straightway. I was furious. I was upstairs and I had Raffy in the bath. And obviously I don't stray far away from him when he's in the bath at all. I was just at the top of the stairs and I could still hear him playing.

So I shouted down to you, just thought the room that he was, the bathroom is near where we get the, the, the stuff out so I thought, oh, just quickly hoover it while he's in the bath. But I'm not going to come downstairs to get the hoover because my son's in the bath. I'm not an idiot. Yeah, there it is. No, I just don't think this is a big deal. I said, Rosie, I shouted down. I said, Rosie, can you? Because I knew the floor attachment was on the hoover.

You know, the one where it's like a roller with the green laser and it shows you every single bit of dirt. And if I use it, I hoover for days and days and days, I can't stop because I keep finding dirt. I said, Rosie, will you take the hard floor attachment off the hoover and put the carpet attachment on and give it to Robin to bring upstairs for us what did you shout? I don't know how to do that. I couldn't be ours.

Right. Right. So, okay, listen. Was it selective incompetence or weaponised incompetence or whatever you called it the other day? Or do you actually not know what I mean? Well, okay, two things. I was ached out because I thought,

what have we come? That was just shouting up and down the stairs. Can you change the adapter for the hoover? And two, I didn't know where the other one was. Right next to where the Hoover is. Right, well, I didn't even look. Yeah, it was, yeah, it was weaponising. Yeah, okay.

Played at your own game, Sunshine. And you know what? Felt fucking really good. Felt really good because actually normally I would have, I would have done that. And actually, you could just wait till he gets out of the bath. To Hoover it. I had time to kill.

I want to do it then. Just, I was, do you know what's really irritating, though? I was busy making the tea. But you wanted me to just dirty my hands. and change the Hoover head. First of all, no iticked out, right? No, I was icked out because it's just, what's what would life become? That is, domestically, that is one of the most enjoyable things you can do.

No, I don't know. I go down there, I take the hoover of a torso, I get down on the ground, I take it out the little thing out of it. I get the other bit out, I check it, I put it back on, I pretend I'm a sniper. Right, that's good for you, but I just think, like, marriage and that and long-term relationships are gross. Yeah. Because, you know, when we first met, so exciting, it was so exciting, dates, food and wine, separate houses, and just like, oh my God, this is so romantic.

Everything was special. And now we're just shouting, shouting on another stairs about changing Hoover adapters. And honestly, I'm fucking sick. I literally cannot believe that you sounded so enthused with dates and wine and food. And then separate houses was another level. That's the thing you love the most. Separate fucking houses. That was your favourite thing.

No, do, come on, though. I know what you mean. It is mad. But it's a different, this is the thing. It's a different sort of love. Yeah. It's not lust anymore. It's like a love.

But it's just sometimes. Hey, it's lust after a few drinks. Yeah, well, yeah, of course. But sometimes it's just a bit like, what the fuck is this? Like, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

What do you become, you just fucking do job? Yeah. But do you know what you got? Do you know what you've got to look forward after this? What? You have got a one-on-one Chris Ramsey hosted Hoover tutorial. It's going to be great.

I'll show you all the attachments. I don't want one. And stop putting, don't change the attachments. I don't like that one. Where you can see everything. I don't like it at all. It's for the hard floors.

It does a hard floor. But it's not a suctiony. It's not. I disagree. I don't think it's as good. I would like the other one back on all of that. You've just upgraded yourself to a Chris Ramsey hosted

Hoover tutorial and demonstration. Oh, brilliant. I'll bring me. vibrator. I can't wait. No, the hoof of vibrates, it's fine. I've got it attached it for that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babo.

It's time for questions from the public. Very good. As always, if you'd like to get in touch and say anything at all, it is shagmarydenoid at gmail.com. So we bummed into someone backstage on this morning and she was like, I've got emails sat ready to send you

that I just haven't sent you. I've got stories right now and I just haven't sent there. Anything that's sparked anything off, any stories you've got, any daft stuff, send it in. We absolutely love it. And this podcast wouldn't be what it is

without you people. And again, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of our heart because we'll go on all these things what Ramesh's showing this morning and they talk about how huge the podcast is

and it wouldn't be anything if it wasn't for you guys contributing and listening. So thank you so much. I agree. So we really appreciate it. I totally agree. I don't like to overag the pudding,

but it's mad. Thank you. And part of the interview was, you've been doing it for so long and it's like, yeah, but like, it's great because people still listen. And we genuinely can't actually believe that you still listen, so thank you.

And we actually might have some new listeners this week just off all that stuff we did last week. Apologies in advance. Apologies, hello, hope you enjoy. There's one episode you're going to listen to. Just to let you know, sometimes I'm really happy, sometimes I'm really sad, and it's my period.

Oh, well, well, I wasn't going to mention this. I thought we're going to move on, but I did write down a quote that you said this morning. I was standing making a coffee and you're at the other side of the kitchen, and your exact words were, hey, when I'm not due on or on my period,

I'm fucking class. Direct quote. I am. I dropped my knees. I was laughing that much. Just such an incredible little quote for yourself. No, I'm a joy to be around.

Yep. I'm very productive. Yep. I get loads of stuff done. I will answer emails. I'll answer to text. Everything. When I am due on or when I'm on,

I am not nice. No. Not nice. I hate my life. hate everything. So I hate you. I hate you more than anyone actually when I'm on my period.

And I'm sorry about that. And listen, after the menopause, apparently it all just becomes quite nice. They're going to be a rough little ride on there. They're going to be good. But you're going to stick it out, aren't you? Well, I'm going to try me best.

No, come on. Here's hoping. Yeah, no, you can do it. You'll be great. I mean, you won't. Because you take everything very personally. But you'll just try, okay? testing times

Oh my God What? It hasn't started If I make it through Yeah Will you go back on that website Get me a trophy Yes

Yes I'll get you the glass black It's 40 quid My money Your money You pay it your money We'll see No

Okay Nah Love you Thank you And it's not my fault It's weird I know it's not I know it's not

And I understand It's horrible And you know Props to all women Out there Going through it as well Lots of love Right listen

Shut up She was talking to me. She was talking to me. She was talking to him, not use it. Apparently I wasn't allowed to give any props there. I was told to shut up. This is out on a good week? Nice one. Okay.

Hi, just wanted to share the immediate aftermath of my experience. I'm at... So this has just happened. Right. I'm out swimming with my daughter for her lessons. I got her changed and walked her through at the pool and left my coat in the changing room. When I nipped back two minutes later,

some little boy with sad bare ass on it. I was fucking devastating. I don't know how to feel. Good it. I'll tell you right now, I'd be good at it. I'd be absolutely good at. I had to act like it was no big deal, but I can't even look at my coat now.

It's just sitting on the chair next to me with little boy ass on it. I totally get it. No, I've got a couple of thoughts about this. If it's your kid, you wouldn't have cared. Well, no, because I don't, you know, I'll lounge on sofas with a tiddla, bloody bum sauce on it every day with our little boy's stuff. But anyway, one, one thing here, it's not that little boy's fault. No, no.

It's that little boy's parents' fault. Yeah, sit on this random coat. Why are they letting their kids sit with their ass on someone's court? It could be anything on that coat. There could have been bloody used needles in the pocket and you're letting your kids sit on it. That depends where you go swimming. But yeah, I had this sort of really fun. That's very good.

What would you do? what if I went back and he was sitting on my code Oh you would fully tell him to get off Oh yeah you'd have had a fucking You'd have had a stern talking to like I'd have said get your Well I would have had to I would have went where's your adult

What's sorry why is his ass on my coat Oh my god Wait I'll keep the court I want the money for the court Get his ass off my coat See it's a good job It's bloody Gortex

Or whatever What kind of code do you think it is So if it's like a waterproof one Yeah, if it's like a waterproofer jacket or something. It's a fleece. Oh, a fleece is the worst one for that to be on. And is this before he's swimming less or after? This is after.

He's been in the pool, I think, so I think it might be all right. Although then again, no, he might not. He might be ready to go in. Maybe some shite on that else. Why is his parents just let him sit on that court? Because honestly, have you seen some parents? Yeah. Some people do not give a shit what the kids do.

Like, I swear to God, Some people don't care From now on that is the arse coat Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bahadu bahadu bah Hi Rosie and Chris Just a quick story that I think you'll get a chuckle at A couple of months ago Me 23 and my boyfriend 27

were at a party where they had a buffet And a birthday cake Nice At some point in the night This is unbelievable by the way At some point in the night the staff came over to me and asked me if I could get my boyfriend

to stop eating the cake as he was going to make himself sick from how many slices he had the staff have come over to her and said can you ask your boyfriend and not have any more cake because we're going to be sick How much fucking cake was he having?

I don't know. Oh my God! I've heard of like staff reprimand people who are drinking too much but for a 27 year old man eating too much cake. what kind of fucking boy child of did a person come over later on and say excuse me can you get your boyfriend's bare ass off me cold

probably oh this is him grown up I just is that really one one I'm very one and two today sorry yeah I've been doing that all morning actually I'm fucking sick of me so I'm just listening shit I've been listening

I'm sick of robin in the car I hate me some is he going to genuinely be sick and they're worried or is there not enough cake to go around the buffet the buffet? I've been

if I'm somewhere in this communal food and I don't think everyone else is really making the most of it and I like the thing that it is I'll go fucking stupid and I'll eat loads yeah

like loads yeah remember when we first got together and I had to say it to you once like you have to say to the kids everybody else has to eat don't fill your plate because they need to be enough for everyone because you are very sort of like

I'll just get mine as much as I want and not care about anyone else. Have I never told you about when I went to see Ed Sheeran at the the Hammersmith Apollo and in London. Am I going to be mortified? This is why I can't go away with it. Industry friends.

Well, tell us first. I can't go away. So watch the show and I went backstage with everyone afterwards and I'd been doing, I think I'd been doing a TV show somewhere in London. Where was he on the Apollo? Hammersmith Apollo. Right.

So this is years ago when he was, I mean, fuck me, he plays stadiums now, but this was Ham Smith Apollo. And obviously, like, I know all of these sort of tour guys and that. I knew the whole team, and I woke backstage. And he was like, I don't know what, the difference between sort of them kind of gigs and comedians is I'll have, like, a couple of people. If I have two people come to see me, it's a fucking event.

There's always at an Ed gig or anyone's gig that I've been to like that, there's always fucking 30 or 40 guests. It's mental. Oh, well, we went backstage at the stadium in late, and it was decked out like a party. Yeah, it was amazing. I was like, what is this? Yeah, so it's like, it's a bit more, you know,

comedians are fucking boring, that's why. And I'm putting myself firmly in that category. Oh, but music people, it's like cool. It's like a party, yeah. So anyway, so we're backstage in the dress room and stuff, and the dominoes gets delivered. And I'm not kidding, there was a fucking pile of dominole. So if I stood up, probably waist height,

from me waist to my head on a table high. Nice. And everyone was just in the fucking, you go down the side bit, and it's like a car park bit and like where the trucks, the buses and that coming in the trucks. And everyone was out there and he was like playing these guitar

and everyone was drinking out there and singing and carrying on. And I had a few drinks and I was like, I'm not going to have a bit of that pizza. And I went up and I was, I was in the dressing room for fucking ages. And I went through, I'm not kidding.

I reckon I went through three margaritas. Why? Just kept going up, back down, back down, going up. And someone, at one point later in the night as I was leaving, I heard someone say, where's all the cheese in tomorrow?

pizza's why did we order no cheese and tomato pizzas and I was like you did oh you did and they were scumbedidly umptious but they were all gone why would you do that they were all outside singing and dancing and carrying on and no one was made for most of them we never taught we never taught I was taught not a waste food I was taught not a waste food no but I just remember I distinct you remember someone going

weighs all the cheese and tomato and it was oh Jesus Christ fucking rinsed them like I said on our please get me anonymous to Russell Howard. I don't think I've got an off when it comes to pizza. Clearly not. I just stop because I get self-conscious that I've ate so much or that I'm going to be ill. I can't physically, I've never had enough pizza. I made a pizza last night. Robin had already had his tea. I made a pizza. He wanted a couple of slices. In my head I have to go, it's your son. You love him. You have to give me a slice. He was like, Dad. At one point, he had one slice, and then I'm eating it. And he said, he knows us too well. He went, Dad, don't inhale them

because I might want another one. That's what he said. And me immediately. You actually, she was you fucking want another one of my pizza of course you can't. I think it's an only child thing. Yeah. Of course you're cancer and of course you can have another one. Is it an only child thing or is it a dick I think? It's just a Chris thing. Well listen calm yourself down. I just love pizza. I know

but we don't live like that anymore. But although sometimes we do get to television studios and I say it everyone. Judge us separately. It might work together but we are very different people, professionally and personally all right? Because I do love you at the day.

but we are very different. I'm like crazy professional, don't want to upset anyone and you couldn't give a shit. But actually, in a positive side, I think my personality has rubbed off on you a little bit and your don't give a shit attitude has actually helped me quite a bit.

We've met each other in the middle somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. I can't believe you're three pizzas. That's fat. I'm not kidding, I might have been more. Up and down, up and down.

Be here pizza, be a pizza, be a pizza, I'm on my way out and I just heard someone go, why did no one order cheese and tomato? Wow. Taxi! You're that guy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo ba. This is like a bit of an ick, and it's based in Marks and Spencer's.

Oh, a lovely middle-class ick. Well, it's got nothing to do. It's not really got anything to do with Marks and Spencers, but anyway, just a quick M&S ick. It's not really got anything to do with Eminus. Was in M&S, and I saw a man in his late 60s, which I don't think is that old. Pretty old. Late 60s? Nearly 70.

Well, yeah, but. it's not like 80... My whole opinion on like ageing and stuff totally changed the older I've got. Oh yeah, of course it does. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Because my mom's late 60s, but I don't think she's old. One day we'll be saying things like, I'm only 60. Yeah. Yeah, so there you go. A man in his late 60s trying on a pair of boots.

Fortunately, his wife was with him, bent down pushing the end of his boot with her thumb to make sure his toes weren't too tight or too loose. Like the two with clocks. Like they do with clocks when you're in kids. So this man's... Wow.

I don't know how to feel about it though because part of us is like that's vile. You're grown man, you can do it yourself. Yeah. But another part of it is, is I'm really aware that once the kids grow up and move out, you are going to be my bin. Yeah.

And how will I do that for you in the shop? I don't think you'd ever do that for me in the shop. No, I don't think it's sweet. I think it might be sweet. I think it might have to go against this icky. It might be sweet. But then again, I do want to go, well, mate, like,

just wiggle your toes You're fucking walking them Just put them down and walk a couple of pieces You're not You're giving your late 60 You're not What do you need an inch to grow? You're gonna grow into them

Like What the fuck That's why they do it That's why they do it Check you've got room to grow But don't they do it for kids as well Because kids can't really see Well actually

It's a bit too tight Around the right door It's specifically something you do for toddlers Yeah This is awful I think this is vile I think they're horrible them too I think they're spitting each other's mouths like

penguins I hate them I've changed me whole thought on this and M&S I'm sorry that you were brought into that because I love MNS and we take it all back that's horrible actually It is horrible Okay I won't have a bad word said again Eminet's clothing at the minute

Oh my gosh Oh I know it's amazing Is it getting better at am I getting older Ring ting ting ting ting ting Have they suddenly just started making really cool fashionable young hip clothing or have I hit middle age. I think we are middle aged.

If we're lucky. We're fully, yeah. If we're lucky. We're past middle aged if we're lucky. Oh, God. What, you want to live in? If we live another one of these, would be 70, well, 80.

Yeah, that would be nice. Yeah. I'd like to hit 80. Yeah? Yeah. But after that, if I get a bit funny, just tablet and my food. All right.

Just put a pet. You're fucking serious. Are you still talking? Are you literally? discussing? I don't know. My nana used to say it with me when I was younger.

Yeah. Just slip with something in me tea, Rosie. Just slip with something in my tea. Let us go peacefully in the night. Scrim. Just, darling, just murderers. Just murderers and get

arrested for murder. Just get... But you know, it's awful. Just commit a really terrible crime. With my nana, I was like, I would, Nana. It was eight years ago. In my 20s, I was like, Nana, I would.

I'd do it for you. Do anything for you, Nana? E God, love that. Right. I'd, uh, genuinely, as I were talking about it, did you, I've heard yours, do you want here mine? Can you just cave me head in with a spade? What is that what you want?

Just fucking all or nothing, and it balls out, just go out. If you want to go out, go out. If you're going to commit the crime, you might as well, fucking put some effort in. Might as well, enjoy myself. Just cave me head in, yeah, yeah. I'll just lie on the, take the car, take the brake off the car. I'll just lie at the bottom of the hill

and just take a tire straight over my head, flattened. Don't because that's my fear. Do you want my biggest fear? What? Going to sleep on the main road and a car going on me? No. My biggest fear is tripping on the curve. Tripping on the curb,

landing on the road and a car going over my head. And I think about it far too often. You are not. Right. This is not a piss take. I think about that all the time. Every time, every time I'm walking along the street.

But not for me, for the kids. I keep the kids away from the side of the curb. And Rob's always like, Dad, what are you doing it? And I'm like, because I think, I honestly think about it so much. You're going to trip, you're going to fall flat,

and you're going to fall flat at the exact point that a car's coming past and it's just going to pancake your head. I think about that all the time. What is it? What have we seen? Is that our generation?

Email in. Is that our generation? Is it final destination? Is it something we've seen? Have we seen something where someone's head just goes bump? But do you know, the reason why you do it

is to make sure that you're still, like, alive? What do you mean? These thoughts, I've read about it a while ago, and I'm sorry sorry didn't really she saw a video on it I actually read about this

so go fuck yourself in a captain under a video go fuck yourself the captain under a video was it in the captain under a video yes I know do you want to still be married because literally I'm on the edge right now

and I will leave you no except Peter said it's to like it's just to give your body your brain a shock to make sure that you're still alive so when you think about

something really awful happening when you're like but what if I do this and it and that that horrible thought, you go, why does my brain go to that? It's like a, or ADHD, I don't know.

I've actually just, oh my God. Can I ask chat GPT? I just had a mad memory of a dream I had last night. Oh my God, last night in my dream, it was horrible. I woke up, like, sweating.

Oh, God. Someone was chopping us up. Oh. But weirdly, it's the way I'd want to go. What they're chopping's up with? Samurai sod? Pizza cutter. In my dream,

they had a big pizza cutter and they were chopping us up. up with it. I've changed your mind. That's how I want to go. Love Peter. Oh God, you know, I watched a video the other day. I was on the train one, it was really affected us. It was a man playing that gay. I think it was because Corn shared it. It was on his stories. I was just flicking, I very, just kind of really go fast through people's stories. And he shared this video of a man playing the game where you have to pick up paper with your teeth. And it was a man and he was like going really down into like the splits.

And he cracked his hip and you could hear it and it broke the bone and then I was just Oh no So we went in a taxi We were in a taxi going through London And you fucking screamed

It was horrible You screamed and you put your phone down And I went What's wrong And you went I've just seen someone breathe They're like Have I gone grey?

You've jumped as grey Jesus Even just thinking about it was Yeah you can't watch them things Kind of horrible Barado babado babado babado babo babo Babu babu bao Bha

Let's talk about shit baby Let's talk about poo and we Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit With a little bit of shit Let's talk about shit Shag Married and shit

Did I do it a bit better A little bit better You're singing this morning You sing the tune and I'll do the harmony Just go from Shagg Marriedin You do it How could I possibly do that You do the tune

Shag Married Shag Married in shit There you go All right Oh there you go Chris Oh, there you go. No, but that was better. Just felt that out perfect.

Yeah, just do that next time. Do that. Yeah, just go. Just like... Just when I go to... We'll do it again. I'll do the tune and you come in with the tune and I'll do the harmony.

Oh, shit, ready? No, do it as usual. I'll try and do what you just showed us to do. Right. Let's go. Let's talk about poo and we. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that have been.

Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little. Oh, right. I didn't know where you'd started. Right. Just do the end. it.

With a little bit of shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag morning shit. All right. That was better. That was better. Listen, man.

Less of this. Less of this. Less of that. Less of this. Less of that. Less of that. Shut up. Shut up.

Hello. Hi. Listening to this week's Poo Saga has unlocked the memory I'd entirely forgotten about but now I feel I need to share. Ooh. The story is probably 15 years old.

as my siblings and I were all kids at the time in brackets we're now adults and I'm sure they'll be delighted I'm sharing this but in hindsight this was definitely much worse for my poor godmother who'd been burdened with the task of looking after three kids under 10 on her own for the weekend

including... Fuck that! I know, godmother. Not even a relative? She might... No. No, you would go with... Yeah, friend, friend. Fucking very good friend.

Three kids... Sorry, sorry. Sorry. three kids under 10. Including a toddler who was in brackets a bit optimistically potty trained. Yeah. I'm in shock. Some people have got such better friendships than me. I would never, I would never do that.

Some people don't have that money like close family members. So actually they say their friends. I mean, don't get jealous more than anything. I could never get anyone to do that for me. But I would also, because I'm an asshole, I would never do that. where I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't ever want anyone to ask I would never want anyone to go Oh you know I did that for you

It's your, whoa whoa whoa whoa That was a onesie That was a one-time thing Still again I don't know how you've got friends Again I don't know either It's mad

It's mad It's mad It blows my mind It actually blows me mind Me too Yeah Because I would do that For my friends

Yeah Even my imaginary friends Fucked off When I was a kid That's fun Probably ate all their pizza Right listen We'd been at the Roll doll museum

doing whatever there was to do in brackets which was not trying all of Wongas chocolates as we've been promised I don't know where the rolled on I don't know but I definitely should basically got them there by seeing you to try all the Willie Walker chocolates and that wasn't I think great

when my little brother had silently but steadfastly shit himself Ledge Toddler My godmother remained calm took him to the loo and without a spare pair of underway put him commando

and wrapped his shitty pants in a load of bog roll and carefully placed it in her hands in her handbag. Why do you do that? Put it in the bin in the toilet. Why'd you do that? She might not have kids and might just be being...

Well, she might be thinking they're going to need these back if I throw his underpants on something that's terrible. Maybe, but honestly, I would have took the risk and threw it away. So she's put this back in a handbag along with the various packed lunch

and snacks for our journey back. Get the fuck out of here. No, that's the thing, you know. When you're walking through like museums in these places where you go with kids and stuff, these family days out, a lot of people are I've got, like, shitty kegs and shit in their bags and pockets and stuff.

Right, do you think? Yeah. From what we've been told, definitely. Cut to 30 minutes later, having swept out of the museum with spy-like efficiency, the three of us, in brackets, plus my giddy little brother in the pram, fucking shitty pants, were making our way up to the car park. My godmother, no doubt feeling chuffed at her avoidance of potential embarrassment, success. As we approached the car, however, a sweet older woman.

woman called out, excuse me. Oh God. You've dropped something. Oh, God. The next 20 seconds went by like a flash. But I remember it as if it were in slow motion. My godmother's face dropped. She spun herself and the pram round.

The nice woman bent down to pick up the paper covered item on the floor. And my godmother screamed, no, it's full of boo! Oh, at least she shouted it. That's great. The woman's face went from a gentle smile to one of equal parts confusion and abject horror. as she looked at the tissue wrapped ham and cheese sandwich. That's even better. Oh, this is fucking excellent.

Yes, my godmother had dropped my sandwich, not the poo filled underwear, but had informed our new friend that the sandwich was full of poo. I don't remember the exact details of what happened next because I couldn't stop laughing in brackets. The sandwich was presumably handed back whilst my godmother, over-enthusiastically tried to explain that the poo is in my bag, not the sandwich, which wouldn't help.

But I do remember that my sister and I laughed uncontrollably for the hour-long car journey home. Oh, that's wonderful. Hey, funny. Hey, Poo-A-L-L-Lin. I'm just trying to see. Poo-A-Lin. Poo-A-Lin. I've a told the story.

I recognise Puelan, but tell me again because I can't remember. I don't know if I were listening. I'm aware of Poo-A-Lin. Is this something you and Carl say? Me and Carl always say Puelin. so years ago when Carl was a kid he was in ASDA with his mom I love the story so much

he was in ASDA with his mom Carl Hutchinson friend of the podcast he was in ASDA with his mom and he was just at that age where you just say random horrible stuff and be cheeky all right he's mom bumping with a friend called Lynn

and I mean Lynn deserves a scolding yeah Lynn deserves a scolding for how shit her partner was in the first place because 90s man everyone's patta was shit He said he was, you know, he said he was going to go home for a sandwich. They've got the talk about sandwich or something. And Lynn, for some reason, asks him he's six or seven years old or five.

And Lynn goes to Carl Hutchinson, what's your favorite kind of sandwich? I don't know why I just asked him this, but you have. And Carl said, poo and we. To Lynn. And Carl's mom apparently went off it at him and told him off. And then apparently they got home and Carl's like, goes to another room to play. and then Carl's mom evidently tells Carl's dad and Carl's dad goes in to tell him off and he was like,

hey, your mom just told us, Pua Lin. Hey, Pua Lin, you said that to Pua Lin. And when he told me the story, I found hilarious, but I found hilarious for the fact that I, in that story, like, Pua Lin just implies that it really affected it. It was like fucking Lynn gets committed.

It's just like rocking back and forth in a fucking padded room. It was just like, gosh, it's like Uncontrusting, fucking like It's just hysterical It has to get taken out of the shop Taking into the back room And fucking giving a bottle of water And like

He said, he said, Bowen Way Fucking in console Of police are taking the call out Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Babadu Babadu ba Doe Well, thank you

For listening to this week's episode of Shagmared Inoid Very happy to have you here as always. Thank you so much. Thank you for watching as well. If you're watching YouTube, please subscribe. That'll be lovely and like and all of that, jazz. And yeah, anything you want to see at all if you want to get in touch.

It's shagmound annoyed at jama.com. And we'll be back in your ears. And you're revolting, reprehensible little eyes. But festively, because it's really near Christmas. Got some lovely stuff coming up for years near Christmas. We have. You know what it is? We actually have.

Yeah, thank you. Have a nice time. I can enjoy that. special recordings coming up but yeah disgusting eye holes I just enjoy saying it as well all right bye bye